“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.” ~Jack Dixon
I originally started to write a post offering tons of different New Year’s resolutions and tips to stick to them to create lasting change.
After all, that’s what we bloggers do around the end of the year: share our best practices for improving our lives as December rolls into January; compile well-researched suggestions to change, and do it consistently, despite knowing most people give up on resolutions within weeks of setting them.
Then I realized that didn’t feel authentic to me.
I don’t actually believe New Year’s Day is any different than any other day. I don’t believe a random point in the time measurement system we’ve created requires us to make a laundry list of things we need to change or improve.
New Year’s Eve is, in fact, just another day, and the next day is one, as well.
I don’t mean to minimize the excitement of the New Year, or any of the days we’ve chosen to celebrate for religious or honorary reasons. I love a big event as much as the next person; in fact, I sometimes bust out the champagne for parallel parking well or using a really big word in a sentence.
What I’m saying is that New Year’s resolutions often fail for a reason, and it’s only slightly related to intention or discipline.
Resolutions fail because they don’t emerge from true breakthroughs. They’re calendar-driven obligations. and they often address the symptoms, not the cause of our unhappiness.
Some resolutions are smart for our physical and emotional health and well-being. Quitting smoking, losing weight, managing stress better—these are all healthy things.
But if we don’t address what underlies our needs to light up, order double bacon cheeseburgers, and worry ourselves into frenzies, will it really help to vow on one arbitrary day to give up everything that helps us pretend we’re fine?
It’s almost like we set ourselves up for failure to avoid addressing the messy stuff.
Why We’re Really Unhappy
I can’t say this is true for everyone, but my experience has shown me that my unhappiness—and my need for coping mechanisms—come from several different places:
- I’m dwelling on the past or obsessing about the future.
- I’m comparing myself to everyone else—their accomplishments, the respect and the attention they garner, and their apparently perfect lives.
- I’m feeling dissatisfied with how I’m spending my time and the impact I’m making on the world.
- I’ve lost hope in my potential.
- I’m expecting and finding the worst in people.
- I’m turning myself into a victim or a martyr, blaming everyone else.
- I’m spiraling into negative thinking, seeing everything as a sign of doom and hopelessness
- I’m assuming there should be a point in time when none of the above happens anymore.
The last one, I believe, is the worst cause of unhappiness. All those other things I mentioned are human, whether we experience them persistently or occasionally.
We’ll do these things from time to time, and they’ll hurt. In the aftermath, we’ll want to do all those different things that every year we promise to give up.
We’ll want to eat, drink, or smoke away our feelings. Or we’ll want to work away our nagging sense of inadequacy. Or we’ll judge whether or not we’re really enjoying life enough, and in the very act of judging detract from that enjoyment.
So, perhaps the best resolution has nothing to do with giving up all those not-so-healthy things and everything to do with adopting a new mindset that will make it less tempting to turn to them.
An Alternative to Resolutions
Maybe instead of trying to trim away all the symptoms of our dissatisfaction, we can accept that what we really want is happiness—and that true happiness comes and goes. We can never trap it like a butterfly in a jar.
No amount of medication or meditation can change the fact that we will sometimes get caught up in thoughts and emotions.
What we can do is work to improve the ratio of happy-to-unhappy moments. We can learn to identify when we’re spiraling and pull ourselves back with the things we enjoy and want to do in this world.
Instead of scolding ourselves for all the things we’re doing wrong and making long to-do lists to stop doing them, we can focus on doing the things that feel right to us.
This may sound familiar if you’ve read about positive psychology.
I’m no posi-psy expert, and to my knowledge no one is since the industry is unregulated. But it doesn’t take an expert to know it feels a lot better to choose to nurture positive moments than it does to berate myself for things I’ve done that might seem negative—all while plotting to give them all up when the clock strikes tabula rasa.
4 Simple Steps to Increase Your Happiness Ratio
This is something I’ve been working on for years, so it comes from my personal experience. As I have worked to increase my levels of satisfaction, meaning, and happiness, I have given up a number of unhealthy habits, including smoking, overeating, and chronically dwelling and complaining.
That all required deliberate intention, but it was impossible until I addressed the underlying feelings. I still have some unhealthy habits, but I know releasing them starts with understanding why I turn to them. Starting today, and every day, regardless of the calendar:
1. Recognize the places where you feel helpless…
…the housing situation, the job, the relationship, that sense of meaningless. Then plan to do something small to change that starting right now. Acknowledge that you have the power to do at least one small thing to empower yourself.
Don’t commit to major outcomes just yet. Just find the confidence and courage to take one small step knowing that you’ll learn as you go where it’s heading. As you add up little successes, the bigger picture will become clearer. This isn’t major transformation over a night. It’s a small seed of change that can grow.
2. Identify the different events that lead to feelings that seem negative.
Like gossiping with your coworker, overextending yourself at work, not getting enough sleep, drinking too much.
Whatever it is that generally leaves you with unhappy feelings, note it down. Work to reduce these, making a conscious effort to do them on one fewer day per week, then two, and then three. The key isn’t to completely cut out these things, but rather to minimize their occurrence.
3. Identify the things that create positive feelings.
Like going to the park, painting, looking at photo albums, or singing. Whatever creates feel-good chemicals in your head, note them down and make a promise to yourself to integrate them into your day. As you feel your way through your joy, add to this. Learn the formula for your bliss.
Know that these moments of joy are a priority, and you deserve to receive them. When you’re fully immersed within a happy moment of your own choosing, you’re a lot less likely to get lost dwelling, obsessing, comparing, judging, and wishing you were better.
4. Stay mindful of the ratio.
If you’ve had an entire week that’s been overwhelming, dark, or negative, instead of getting down on yourself for falling that low, remind yourself that only your kindness can pull you out. Tell yourself that you deserve to restore a sense of balance—to maintain a healthy ratio.
Then give yourself what you need. Take a personal day at work and take a day trip. Go to the park to relax and reflect. Remind yourself only you can let go of what’s been and come back to what can be.
It’s not about perfection or a complete release from all the causes of unhappiness. It’s about accepting that being human involves a little unhappiness—but how often it consumes us is up to us.
This might not be a lengthy list of unhealthy behaviors you can give up, and how, or a long list of suggestions for adventure and excitement in the new year. But all those things mean nothing if you’re not in the right head space to release the bad and enjoy the good.
Resolve what you will this year, but know that happiness is the ultimate goal. It starts in daily choices, not lofty resolutions—on any day you decide to start.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Hey Lori, this post is spot on in so many ways.
We tend to focus on changing the unhealthy behaviors in our lives that hold us back without ever really looking past the ‘effect’ and instead focus on the ’cause’. I think if we stop trying to fix our problems by focusing on them and spend more time focusing on what makes us happy then our unhealthy behaviors would begin to dissipate as a result of a much more positive outlook.
The best new years resolution we can make is to become aware of why we participate in unhealthy behaviors rather than trying to diminish the behavior itself. More often than not we try to give up bad habits by focusing on the habit itself, this is a tricky way to challenge a habit we are trying to break, simply because our focus is on the negative from the get go.
An example of a positive way to give up a bad habit would be to focus on a positive habit which diminishes the impact of the bad one. If you smoke, then start running. ‘Running’ is a positive habit, but it also counter acts the smoking habit as both cannot exist in the same body if done regularly.
The point you make about people comparing themselves to others is a big problem in society. When we compare ourselves to others, it is always a comparison to someone who we think is better off than us. Lets face it, if we were to compare our lives to people who are less fortunate than ourselves then we would feel more positive about our current situation. To give gratitude for the abundance in your life compared to others living in poverty can give us a positive perspective to the true reality that exists outside. This is another example of replacing a negative habitual view with a positive one.
Happy New Year to everyone, and take the time to appreciate the things in your life that you may be taking for granted.
I love step one. Making giant leaps and big changes can be intimidating. But if you take small steps forward it can really help ease you into something.
Brilliant post!! This is a message that needs to be emphasized again and again. Our society is into quick fixes; therefore, address the symptoms. Dull the emotional pain, lonliness, depression, with that drink or two or three till you can’t feel the bad anymore. Take away the physical pain with a pain-killer pill. Overeat to fill the void and emptiness. These are all the quick ways to reduce the bad feelings that we’ve never learned to deal with and therefore cannot bear to tolerate. And of course it takes a lot longer and requires a lot more work. And so what do we get from all this – new and additional problems – alcholism, drug addictions, eating disorders.
So yes, the long term resolutions come with dealing with the root causes. Teaching and helping people withstand the pain while going through it, is the hard part. It’s scary not knowing if you’ll come out to see the light in one piece. We have to give ourselves permission to go through it all, slowly and with a lot of support. Only then can we have true healing and change.
Terrific post, Lori!! (as usual) 🙂 !! I’d like to add just one thing. “If you have low expectations, everything makes you happy.” Thank you!! And Happy New Year! 😀
Wow. Lori this one really resonated with me today. Maybe you were reading my thoughts. Namaste for all of your wonderful posts. It is nice to know that there are others out there who are sharing the same experiences that I am. Happy New Year. Hope that 2011 is wonderful for you.
Peace,
Tony
I’ve been searching for a resolution for the past few days, but nothing has stayed with me for longer than 30-40 minutes. Having read this post, I’ve decided to renew my 2010 resolution to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative! As a bonus: kicky song to go along! The Bette Midler/Bing Crosby version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z45EB4TiYz4 May your 2011 be filled with wonderful surprises, Lori!
Bravo for this wonderful post!!! I personally feel that resolutions every New Year are a setup for disappointment, failure and self-sabatoge. That’s why I don’t make them. I have learned that if I can keep my life in today and more importantly, in the moment, that my life flows so much easier. Does it mean I have days that are completely stress, guilt, anger or grief free? Absolutely not. It’s what I do with mself when those emotions are occurring for me. Let’s face it. Life happens whether we participate in it or not. I do my best every day to practice bringing myself out of those negative waves I can sometimes ride. It’s my choice to get out of the negativity and feel the joy. Of course, in order to get out of the not-so-wonderful emotional states I can find myself in, I have to feel the emotions, acknowledge that they exist in me and then release them to a power greater than myself and ask for help to transform them into something better. I am a work in progress but this work of art is getting more incredibly beautiful by the day!!!
Love, light, peace and bright blessings to you!
Hey Lori.
I loved your post and I know one thing for sure: one of my New year’s resolutions is to go on following you on twitter and reading your posts here. In general I remember the exact moment important things happen in my life. I remember when I first met my best friends and when I decided to do something really important. In the case of Tiny Buddha the other day I was trying to remember the first time I read you and I couldn’t, but truth is that from that day on I have been reading you and your simple wisdom for complex lives almost everyday. So, I’d like to thank you very much for sharing your feelings, you life, your wisdom with us!
In spite of what you said in the post, and I agree with that, I wish you, as we say here in Brazil a very prosperous New Year !
Vera
Hi Lori,
Great post again! Like most of the people that commented, i feel the same – that you really put out some great stuff. Im new to Tiny Buddha, but i do read alot of blog feeds. By far, i look forward to reading Tiny Buddha before any others. In fact, im thinking of really trying to simplify for the new year and may cut out some, but i have learned much here already!
Keep up the great work!
Mark
I find this post to be especially good. Breaking through is really what moves me. It’s when I finally ‘catch on’ and get behind my choices/changes/whatever that I can change habits and move to new places.
Hey Lori,
Way to keep it real! I couldn’t agree more.
I’ve been thinking a lot the past couple of months about the difference between resolutions and resolve. When I’m resolved to do something, I don’t need an arbitrary reason to do it – it gets done. Too often, resolutions are just a form of procrastination for me. On January 1st, EVERYTHING will magically be different, and somehow I’ll get it done. Somehow, that never seems to pan out.
Back in November, I decided to look at the things I’d really been putting off (and that were on deck again for 2011) – the stuff that was 1-3 years on the to-do list. I just started doing it. Something that I thought would be really tough (incorporating my business) wasn’t so tough, and it energized me. I’ve ended up pulling at least half-a-dozen big items off the long-term to-do list and polishing them off, one by one. It feels great, and 2011 is going to start with the cleanest slate I’ve had in a long time.
Brilliant! Thanks Lori! You are awesome. Beautifully said. AND I agree. I stopped making resolutions a long while ago. I feel that every day is a new day and I am on the complete, abundant, unconditional self love journey and every minute is a new minute, eh?
love and light to you!
Elizabeth in Oregon
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Loved this post more than I can say. Thankyou
I agree with your ideas of resolutions vs. changes. I still think the new year is good time to reflect if we have stayed true to the path we have set out to create. A fresh calendar offers new tweeks to old habits.
Hi Declan,
Thank you for such a thoughtful, inspiring comment. And what a smart idea about focusing on a positive habit instead of trying to break a negative one. You bring up so many important points. Thank you for getting in the conversation!
Lori
Beautifully said. It’s taken me a very long time to learn to sit with a negative feeling, but they all pass eventually. It’s an ebb and flow, and no state is permanent. I think you’re right about resolutions often leading to disappointment.
One year I did something kind of fun in place of making resolutions. A friend and I each made five predictions for each other and then read them the following year. It was kind of cool to see that some of them were fairly accurate. It wasn’t about us promising to ourselves that we’d change. It was about recognizing beauty and potential in each other.
Love and light back to you. Thank you for being part of the conversation =)
You are most welcome, and thank you right back. =)
“A complete, abundant, unconditional self love journey” — what a beautiful affirmation Elizabeth! Thank you for sharing this, and love and light back to you!
That’s an interesting point about resolutions and resolving. I’ve found that a resolution doesn’t always come with an exact goal or plan; it’s more of an idea that I’ll get to, whereas resolving implies commitment.
Congrats on incorporating your business. I know how easy it is to procrastinate on the big stuff and how rewarding it feels to finally jump in. Wishing you a happy, healthy 2011!
That’s great Faith. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Hi Mary,
I couldn’t agree with you more. I’ve learned through the years that no one, myself included, makes a change until they’re ready–until they truly understand the need and the payoff and find the strength to do it. It’s kind of ironic that on New Years we suddenly think massive transformation is instantly possible in multiple areas of our lives when in all reality one authentic breakthrough is huge, and usually well worked for.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Lori
Hi Mark,
You’ve given me such a gift with your comment! I love running Tiny Buddha, and there’s nothing more gratifying than knowing it has a positive effect. So thank you–I’m so glad you enjoy the site!
Wishing you a healthy, happy new year =)
Lori
Thank you Vera! I’m so glad you’ve found the site helpful. I have to say, though, a lot of the wisdom has come from readers who have generously shared their insights and stories. The community truly makes this site, and I’m so grateful for everyone in it. Thank you for being part of it!
Lori
Sounds great MJ–both the resolution and the kicky song! Thanks for attaching. Put a big smile on my face =) I love Bette Midler!
Hi Tony,
Thanks for reading and commenting. Nice to know we’re on the same page! I’ll look forward to learning more of our shared thoughts in 2011 =)
Lori
Thanks for commenting Tee! Expectations are a funny thing. If you expect too much, you’ll likely end up disappointed. If you don’t expect anything, you might create a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s such a hard thing to do, but I work at minimizing expectations altogether. I think you’re onto something about that being the key to happiness. A happy new year to you, too!
Hi Harriet,
Your comment resonated with me in a huge way. Especially this part: “it’s scary not knowing if you’ll come out to see the light in one piece.” I know that feeling so well!
About quick fixes: I was reading something the other day that said the best way to sell any product is to present it as the magic bullet–the only one simple thing you’ll ever need to accomplish X, Y, or Z. According to the article, these products tend to sell 4 times better than a proven system that requires serious effort.
It’s hard to do the hard work. It’s messy to do the messy work. But there just aren’t any shortcuts if what we really want is happiness.
Thanks as always for sharing your insights!
Lori
And I love the name you’ve chosen. One Kind Word–what a powerful message. Thank you for reading and commenting. =)
happy new year 2011
Hi Lori,
I loved this post, and can relate. The root of our unhappiness you describe struck a cord, and will help me remain focused – I see myself in that list.
Recently, after some time of contemplation over a negative situation in my life, I’ve taken positive steps to address it. I’m following my bliss, passion for a piece of life that I left by the wayside a long time ago. As I take steps in this positive direction my outlook brightens and I feel the spring back in my step.
Like you, I find that New Years has its place in celebration, but so many more of my days throughout the year are more note worthly and I celebrate those far more than the one that reminds me I should change my calendar. It may be a reminder for me that time is passing, and that it would be best for me to let go of the negative and get on with the positive aspects of living. And, doing that, like most of life is a step / day at a time.
I bet a lot of us do! I think it’s human nature to do those things from time to time. I’m so happy for you that you’ve moved in the direction of your bliss and passion. There’s nothing greater we could want for each other in life. Wishing you health, happiness, and peace. =)
Lori
Lori, You are getting warm. It’s all about BEING awake. One cannot “do” their dharma. Look into Kelly McGonigal’s work on willpower. See if this leads you anywhere, too. http://bit.ly/2cA2PJ
Thanks for the plug Lori!
Great post. The theme of this post reminds me of a book by Marci Schimoff – Happy for No Reason. For those who resonated with this post, Marci’s book may be a good read for those looking for additional guidance/direction into putting this into practice. (I know you would enjoy it, if you’re not aware of it yet. 🙂
here’s to a great 2011!
jason
A friend of mine forwarded this to me as i have the same feelings towards new years. i love your
message and i don’t want to point out what i believe is a flaw just to be “right” but to help. Allow me
to regurgitate others to get my point across.
Happiness as a goal is a shallow and dangerous goal. The pursuit of happiness is the source of all
unhappiness. It requires conditions to be ideal in order for it to be in affect.
Inner peace is a healthier goal i believe. Conditions can and eventually will not be ideal but your deep
rooted calm will not leave you and prevent from a downward spiral.
sorry about the quick comment, keep up the good work,
B.
This is tremendously awesome. Thank you for your brilliant work and clear and courageous voice.
Thank you, as well. What an amazing compliment!
A powerful distinction! I think happiness comes and goes and inner peace is likely just as impermanent. All states of mind go through natural ebbs and flows. If we can embrace that and learn to ride the waves, so to speak, I suspect we’ll (ironically) be a lot happier and a lot more peaceful in the long run! Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate learning from your perspective!
Another great post Lori, especially when you said this:
“True happiness comes and goes. We can never trap it like a butterfly in a jar.”
Enrico
Another great post Lori, especially when you said this:
“True happiness comes and goes. We can never trap it like a butterfly in a jar.”
Enrico
Thanks for this great post. What an eye-opener!
You are most welcome! Thanks for the book recommendation. Sounds great–I will definitely check it out =)
You are most welcome!
Thanks Enrico. I’m glad you found it helpful. I think a lot of dissatisfaction in life comes from the pursuit of happiness as an enduring state of mind. It’s just not possible. Happy New Year =)
This is a great Post. Realistic and grounded in ones present situatuation at any given moment that one chooses to enact this positive advice
I’m glad you found it helpful!
[…] back at what was, making plans as to what will be. There are plenty of posts to that effect (here is a good one from Tiny Buddha, if you want to read a different perspective on making and keeping resolutions). It is a good […]
[…] goals toward change should be set and monitored regularly. I agree, and had posted an article from tiny buddha discussing this on my companion blog (zeneveryman). But I replied that the ending of the year and […]
I deeply love the practical nature of this post, Lori. Tiny, tangible changes + recognition of priorities equals a change to the whole equation.
Thank you for making this so clear!