“The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle
For a very long time fear has controlled me. It has paralyzed me, kept me living in desperate situations, and stopped me from living the life of my dreams.
It has only been with age and the practice of mindfulness these last few years that I have come to recognize the fear within me, having finally begun the process of facing it.
By facing fear, I don’t mean that I’ve started base-jumping, purposely trapped myself in elevators, or allowed tarantulas to climb all over my body.
I mean that I’ve sat in meditation, watched the fears arise, and rather than react to them or allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life, I’ve observed them in my mind from a distance.
I’ve felt how they’ve manifested in my body, and I’ve moved into that physical discomfort in order to pay attention to fear in a way I’ve never allowed myself to do before.
When I think about the compulsive and addictive activities that have kept me stuck in a place of fear in the past, they all come from stories that play through my head everyday. For example:
Shopping
I shop to feel better about myself. I believe that the pair of celebrity-endorsed high heels I’ve just bought will make me glamorous enough to fit in with the goddesses I see around me and therefore help me feel accepted.
Interestingly, I don’t feel bad about myself unless I’m comparing myself to others. Therefore, in the comparing, I’m looking at others who have what I don’t have and as a result, fear that I’m unstylish, lacking in physical appeal, or not beautiful enough.
Overeating
When the new pair of high heels I’ve been wearing to work everyday go unnoticed, start to slowly destroy my feet, and still haven’t prompted an invite to the “right” parties, I give up and start to search the fridge.
I discover a tub of ice-cream or pack of cookies that may not make me more beautiful or accepted, but help me to fill my stomach up and create a fullness in the exact place that fear is beginning to dig a deeper and deeper hole inside of me.
Television
When that sick feeling deep down in my stomach starts rising again, but this time from a mix of cookies and cream and a base of fear, I sit in the comfiest chair I can find and reach for the remote control.
Rather than listen to the personal derision that I’ve switched to repeat in my mind, I watch re-runs of my favorite reality show. I can then cheer the reality star on as I would a friend. Or, I can sit and degrade them to make myself feel better by utilizing the meanest thoughts I have going through my head, now targeted towards them.
Surfing
I would love to say that after this fear based self-pity and hatred party I would choose to hit the shore with my trusty long board to work off that ice-cream, but unless that board comes with a qwerty keyboard, I’m more inclined to stay at home.
Only after watching other people live their busy lives does it actually register that I should reach out and connect with my friends.
And having destroyed my feet in high heels, eaten an entire quart of ice-cream all by myself, and vegged out in front of the TV in my PJs, I hardly feel like getting dolled up to go out for some face to face time. Therefore, the next best source of connection is my new best friend—the Internet.
After returning a few pokes, commenting on a couple of friend’s pictures, and then checking my homepage incessantly to see if anyone online has responded to my posts, the night drags on.
I continually stare at a glowing screen as the minutes tick by, unable to disconnect myself from the cyber world and face the fear of being alone with my self-pity and self-hatred.
Reality Check Time
Can you believe that this entire fear-based cycle of self-pity and hatred grew from a simple comparison of what I was wearing to those around me? Unbelievable, right? Not really.
Having observed my mind, I’ve come to understand that a good amount of my daily fear-based suffering starts by making comparisons and then creating stories in my head.
Encouragingly, I am not unique in what I do. However, it is unfortunate to realize that many people who suffer in the same way I do will never learn how to curb their own suffering. They will never give themselves the time to sit, reflect, and watch what comes up in their minds without becoming involved in the stories.
If you would like to take more control over your mind and your suffering, the best practices I know are meditation and mindfulness.
1. First, accept that in order to become more mindful, we must recognize that we are solely responsible for what we do with the thoughts our minds produce.
While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can take control over them and create moments of peace for ourselves.
2. Second, when thoughts or fear arise, try to do the following as soon as you are aware of what’s taking place in your mind and body:
- Stop.
- Take a long, deep breath in and out. In your mind say “in” as you breathe in and “out” as you breathe out in order to ground yourself in the present moment.
- Then, feel the ground beneath your feet. Notice the way your clothes feel against your skin, the wind against your face, the sun on your cheeks. Listen to the birds singing, the rain falling around you, or the ticking of a nearby clock.
All this will ground you in the present moment. Even if thoughts want to drag you away with them, coming back to recognize the breath will give you the control you need to prevent this from happening.
Follow these steps until you feel that the thought or storyline in your mind has moved on, or until you feel that the pull of your thought or fear has dissipated slightly.
At this point, you can return to whatever you were doing, and hopefully you will have prevented yourself from suffering in that moment.
Unfortunately, these steps are by no means a quick fix in saving you from the suffering we all encounter every day. In fact, at first it will take all your energy and resolve not to react to what your mind and ego are doing.
It’s also quite possible that even once you’ve covered these steps, you will still get lost in your thoughts and fears by comparing yourself to others.
Whether you do this or not isn’t the point. The point is that you’ve finally managed to sit back and look at your thoughts and fear. Once you have done this, you’ve begun the process of taking back control of your mind and your life.
No doubt, occasionally you’ll also stop and find yourself right in the middle of buying something you don’t really need or switching on the TV without thinking about what you’re doing.
But, as long as you notice you’re mid-way through handing your credit card to the lovely sales person at the cash register, then you’re on your way to conquering your mind.
The more you practice, the better you will get. The key to all this is not giving up.
I’m not saying you’ll be able to climb to the top of the Burj Al Khalifa on your next trip to Dubai or take a shower with eight beady spider eyes hanging out on the shower head above you.
But you will be able to stop the stories in your head instead of feeling a pull to distract yourself from all the pain they cause you.
So why not give it a shot. Can it really hurt? Well it might, but it’ll hurt for all the right reasons.
About Angela Gunn
Angela Gunn is an award-winning writer based in Savannah, GA who specializes in screenwriting, online and print media. She completed her second novel for NaNoWriMo 2012 and is currently working on a children’s book, which will be published in 2013. Her writing and contact information can be found at angegunn.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
This is great, I am definately trying it out. I remember this morning at school I was really stressed because I thought about how much I have to study for the exams coming up next week. I have fears of failing it and I had a nightmare about it too. 2011 hasn’t been a great year for me, I’m stressing badly and my chest was very uneasy last few days ago. I am only 17 years old. Thank you for this post.
Hi Sharlene
I’m so glad that my post helped you. Sorry to hear that 2011 hasn’t been a great year for you so far and that you’ve been feeling stressed about your exams. I really hope that my advice helps you to deal with your stress and do well. Another piece of advice from Eckhart Tolle that always gives me peace of mind is remembering that right in this present moment everything is fine. If I’m breathing and can feel my feet firmly on the ground then everything is fine.
Good luck and Namaste
Great Post. I recognized that quote from Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” and I’ve tried to live my life by this model since I’ve finished it. It was shocking for me when I realized how often I let myself leave the present moment and go on a wild goose chase of thoughts. In my opinion mindfulness is the most important factor to inner peace.
Hi Isaiah!
It’s so interesting how wrapped up and drawn in we are by our minds. I can fully understand what you mean. Just remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you find yourself chasing your thoughts. As long as at some point you find yourself doing it and recognize this pattern of your mind then you’re already doing the practice!
Good luck with your mindfulness practice. I hope it helps to bring you peace.
Namaste
[…] http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-of-fear-by-stopping-the-stories-in-your-head/ […]
I’m reading this and thinking “Oh my goodness, this lady has been looking through my windows all weekend!” Lol. Thank you, I’ve struggled with fear for a long time. I will definately try to be more mindful and calm down.
Hi Jennifer!
That’s hilarious because I feel the exact same way when I read anything Lori writes! It’s a great unifier when you realize you’re not alone in your feelings and thoughts. I hope your path to conquering your fear gets better!
Namaste
Thanks so much for this post. I can identify with all of the same distractions and spiraling thoughts about how to measure up. My struggle is to overcome my fears and move forward. I can easily become paralyzed because I really want great things. I will start practicing the mindfulness techniques and start to become familiar with letting it pass through. It seems I always find what I need on tiny buddha!
Hi Lyn
Thanks for your comments. I’m glad you could identify and that the techniques may help you! I feel the same way. It’s funny how the posts on Tiny Buddha always come into my inbox at exactly the right time!
Namaste
As I was reading, I was also thinking… man… does she know me. Lol! That is me day in and day out- trying to figure out what was stopping me from moving ( in any direction). I have been just sitting and staring. I feel like I am gazing out of a window most of the time looking at myself, watching tv, surfing the net, shopping, eating and etc…..I know and knew that I needed to start the process of mindful thinking and meditation. Like everything it is one step at a time. I WILL BEGIN THE PROCESS. I HAVE TO,,,,,Thank you again for posting this information……
No problem! Glad it helped 😀
I only read just the beginning and can completely relate to what you are saying. I am relieved to see that others feel this way too. I can’t wait to read the rest of the post! Thank you!!
Dear Angela,
Thanks so much for your post. I am so happy that tinybuddha is part of my virtual sangha.
Me too! If it weren’t for my virtual sangha I’d be lost. So great we have this ability to connect with each other online 😀
Thanks for sharing! So honest! I definitely do the Internet browsing and shopping when down in the dumps.
This is very inspiring and filled with things I have thought to myself. Thank you for sharing.
Hey Angela!
It’s amazing how one simple reaction, can affect so much of your life! I’m glad you’ve learned to cope with these reactions, that everyone feels…however, when you build that strength and self confidence enough to make good decisions in the face of a less than desirable reaction, then that really grows and proves character!
Thanks for your insight!
Please check out my podcast on Self Talk http://bit.ly/g0Ib3B
Thanks Mike! I’ll check that out!
This reminds me of a favorite quote by Marianne Williamson. I have it stuck on my fridge as a reminder.
“Children are happy because they don’t have a file in their minds called ‘All The Things That Could Go Wrong'”
That’s a great quote. Thanks for sharing 🙂
I blogged about fear a little while ago. I know for myself, it’s very easy to go for the quick fix. Shop, binge, drink, or otherwise use something to wash away that uncomfortable feeling, but I am trying to learn the “Nightmare in My Closet” approach – to face the fear, maybe even get into bed with it. It definitely becomes less scary and intimidating then!
This as been by far the most moving and powerful daily email I have gotten from Tiny Buddha. I am so happy that I have come across this email. Seriously, you have put my thoughts and actions and the reasons for my actions in plain words. Thank you for the mirror! I Have Started the Control. It makes it less overwhelming to know that I am not the only one who has had the same LONG pointless feeling days. Thank you SO MUCH!!! This devotion has made my day and possibly my future.
Wow! I’m glad it was so helpful! I also love it when I find a mirror for myself that helps me not only to see myself more clearly but also to find a way to move forward with that knowledge.
Namaste
I love this, Angela 🙂 I can totally relate to everything you say. And you helped me realise that all of my worries, anxiety and fears tend to stem from the moment I unconsciously compare myself to others, or start a story in my head about what others might think, say, or do. Time to focus more on what I think, say and do!
Thank you 🙂
Exactly! 😀
I really liked this post. This happens to me all the time. I do things I dont want to do just to escape the fear in my head or to make myself feel better. Thank you for trying to provide a solution to get out of thus cycle..
Don’t we all! I hope this solution works for you!
Thanks for reminding me that a lot of fear and pain comes from comparing myself to others. Every single person has their own battle/struggle, so there’s no point to compare.
Exactly! Good luck in trying to break the cycle!
So true but I sure fall into it a lot lately. Comparing myself to others is one reason I often consider getting off Facebook.
I really do want to break the cycle. I went to a party last night and was reeling for hours from the way I felt like someone was treating me, trying to figure out why or what I may have done. Ugh. I know what I tell others in these situation…that it may not be about me at all, that other people are usually thinking about themselves (just like me :P), that what truly only matters is what I think of me, and finally – the kicker, but so true – that what other people think of me is really none of my business. But gosh, when it happens to me and I’m in a vulnerable place like I was last night, all that wisdom flies out the window and I can spend hours obsessing.
Thanks for the post and for introducing me to the “750 words” blog via your “A Year of Living Wisely” blog. I’m all up in there :)! Jennifer
You are welcome! Glad it helped. And I know how you feel about parties. Definitely a difficult social situation. Just keep practicing and things will improve!
great words. thank you.
[…] by Angela Gunn/Tiny Buddha […]
Woohoo! I love this post. I’m a huge fan of Eckhart Tolle and The Power of Now, it changed my life. I do the same exact thing now when fears arise. I just watch them and how they affect my body, and I let them pass.
I used to get angry or afraid for days at a time over something.. now I’ve got it down to about 19 seconds. 😉
Nice! 19 secs is impressive! Glad you liked the post.
Good content. I like your examples of how you conquered fear in your own life. I too have used this technique to conquer fear in my own life. I learned that the only thing we really have to fear is fear itself. That is because, as Eckhart Tolle teaches, there is only this moment that we can do anything about. The past is already done and the future is not here yet. Worrying about either of them is a waste of time. The only time worth spending your energy on is right now. This is the time you can use your thoughts, words, and actions to make a different in your life through the Law of Attraction.
When I faced fear in my life in areas such as relationship, finances, career, and health, I found that FEAR itself was draining my energy away from me. Once I accepted my current reality as only my temporary reality, I was then free to change my thoughts from fear-based to more positive thoughts that motivated me to create the reality I desired rather than the reality I was experiencing. In other words, when I left fear go, my thoughts and emotions changed from being helpless to being empowered and in control of my own future.
I also agree that meditation is a great tool for strengthening the mental and emotional minds. This strength is necessary to release fear and choose to instead think of positive things in your life. Its important for all of us to remember that our thoughts are things and we create our own reality based on the thoughts we think.
Joe Rapisarda
http://focusandfeel.blogspot.com
Facebook: Joe Rapisarda’s Spiritual Awakening Page
Very true Joe. Thanks for posting this!
Namaste
Thanks so much for this post – it really helped me to take a look at some of the distractions I put in the way of my own mindfulness! xx
Watch the fear and see how it grows.If you can find where it starts then you will know where to end it.
You just described my days for the last eight months. I have been in therapy and am on meds for depression. Your post made more sense to me than anything I have been told or learned in all these months of therapy. I have been interested in Buddhism since I read “If the Buddha Got Stuck.” After reading your blog I am inspired to make the trip down to my local temple and begin the journey to mindfulness. I don’t know if I can do this alone,but I am sure there will be help at the center. Thank you!
Wow! That is very inspiring. I’m glad my post was so helpful to you. If you ever want to get in touch and talk about things more please don’t hesitate to get in contact via my blog. I’d love to know how your journey progresses. Sounds like you are taking a very brave step on your path! Good luck and namaste!
Thanks Angela! I would love to get in contact with you. I love meeting new friends who are on the spiritual journey. If you need to contact me you can reach me on my blog or Facebook page listed on my original post.
Hi Angela, I signed up for your blog. Where can I find this Zencast? On itunes? I would like to see what you talking about in your profile. I didn’t see you on Facebook. If you want to connect you can visit my facebook page at Joe Rapisarda’s – Spiritual Awakening Page or at my blog at http://www.focusandfeel.blogspot.com Keep in touch. It’s great to grow the circle of spiritual friends.
Hi Angela, I signed up for your blog. Where can I find this zencast?
I looked for you on Facebook but couldn’t find a page for you. I can be reached on my facebook page at Joe Rapisarda’s – Spiritual Awakening Page or my blog at focusandfeel.blogspot.com
Hi Joe,
Sorry it took me so long to reply! You can find Zencast at http://www.zencast.org.
Thanks!
Whn I started reading it, I felt tht sm1 has written my thoughts, my personal fight wd myself, my trouble wd my own fears n life experiences.. really I go thru ths a lot.. the main cause of all sch thoughts are boredom.. my problem is Whn i staet dng it my mind says its too boring, or it says u won’t b able to do it.. n unfortunately ths negative feeling wins..bt to try n keep fighting is wat we can do.. thts life… I hop I succeed n the negative feeling in me gets dissolved or it realises tht I shd b nice to Vineeta n bcums my best buddy n help me being positive n fearless..:)
Om Sai!!!!
Vineeta, it’s a difficult journey and your negative feelings with always try to deter your fight against these problems. What always gives me hope is that it’s not about getting rid of our problems necessarily, but simply taking the step to do so. That first step is all you need no matter how small it is. Even if in your next step you give up because your mind says it’s too boring. 1 step forward is better than no step at all. I wish you luck on your journey!
Namaste
Whn I started reading it, I felt tht sm1 has written my thoughts, my personal fight wd myself, my trouble wd my own fears n life experiences.. really I go thru ths a lot.. the main cause of all sch thoughts are boredom.. my problem is Whn i staet dng it my mind says its too boring, or it says u won’t b able to do it.. n unfortunately ths negative feeling wins..bt to try n keep fighting is wat we can do.. thts life… I hop I succeed n the negative feeling in me gets dissolved or it realises tht I shd b nice to Vineeta n bcums my best buddy n help me being positive n fearless..:)
Om Sai!!!!
Awesome. Hits me right where I am & reminds me where I want to be. Checking out Angela’s new blog already!
Thank you for your post! My practice benefits immensely from reading about “how to do it.”
Angela.
I thoroughly enjoyed this post as you humorously wove together our crazy and less-than-self-compassionate thinking and behaviors as most people have experienced. Certainly me!
Fear really does come up in so many ways in our lives from a place of mild anxiety to raging panic attacks and then secondarily, manifests in strange and unique ways.
Last year, when I was confronted with a life-threatening disease (yes, an aggressive form of cancer) I had to address those deepest demons. What I found out is that the best way to meet them was to lean forward gently and compassionately toward them and allow the feelings to pass. I don’t need to act out from them but just be grateful for my basic goodness and pure essence.
It’s that messaging (taking control of our mind that you shared) that we want to shore up in our lives.
Thanks for writing such a delightful post.
Susie
You’re welcome Susie! Thank you for sharing your story here! I’m glad that your practice helped you in dealing with cancer. I also hope you are doing well and continue to do so. I definitely feel that one of the great gifts of life is to learn how to deal and control our minds so we can eleviate our own suffering.
Namaste!
Thank you I started reading this article and realized that this is me I didn’t rrealize that this is what I have been doing until now thank you for your insight it’s time for me to make our changes
Glad I could help. It’s nice to know you’re not alone in this crazy things our minds do 😀
[…] Tiny Buddah | Simple Wisdom For Complex Lives. I especially liked this recent post: Let Go Of Fear By Stopping The Stories in Your Head […]
Great post! Thank you for this. It describes me to a T!
This has happened to me so often. Thank you.
these word hit home, and i’ve just realized i’ve been crying while readind them.
thank you so, so much angela.
You’re welcome so, so much! I’m glad my words resonated with you!
Namaste
[…] keep speaking from my heart so that my writing can touch people like it did when I wrote a piece for TinyBuddha.com […]
Thank you for this post. I tend to fear the future, as do most people. It is very important to ground yourself and focus on the present, and recognize that what you do in the present is what is important for that moment contributes to your future, and you are the controller.
I am very young, 21 years young, but I have had a couple debilitating experiences with love and heartbreak that have definitely left a mental scar. I fear the topic, the feeling, and the future of finding and keeping a healthy relationship. Such fear, I’ve realized, has really kept me from being fully happy and enjoying my youth. It is true that our thoughts can spiral out of control and get the best of us. I know I do it, and half the situations I play out in my head are absurd and extremely pessimistic.
I plan on using these tips when losing myself in the past. They seem very helpful and grounding. I’m always for a little spiritual evolving 🙂 Nostalgia isn’t as good as good as the present moment!
Glad it resonated with you! Good luck living in the present moment and stopping that fear from controlling your life 😀
Namaste
Angela
I read and read about letting go of negative thoughts. It all makes sense and the negative as well as positive attract like. However I have such a deep internal negative tape in my head, sometimes unconscious. It then makes my chest anxious nd nervous. I find it so hard to think positive because my my mind is so used to focusing on the few bad things in me as opposed to the many more positive things I do or have. Help
I totally understand. This is natural. Think about how long it has taken you to learn these negative thought patterns. Were you expecting to change them overnight? We always strive for a quick fix – to make the pain go away. Nothing is that simple unfortunately. As long as it took you to learn these patterns is as long as it will take to unlearn them. However, if you see the light at the end of the tunnel then you will find the strength and courage it takes to keep facing those thoughts and choosing not to buy into them everyday. It won’t be easy. Many times you will fail. But failing isn’t the problem if you’re willing to try again. The only problem is buying into the failure and believing nothing will ever change or get better. Change is inevitable. Stay brave. Keep noting those bad thoughts and remembering that they are not who you are, but simply thoughts passing through your mind.
Good luck in your practice, but remember…it’s just that – practice. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to practice!
Namaste 🙂
I feel like ive been fighting them my entire life. I dont want to fight anymore.
Is this a modern way try to telling me, that shopping, eating, television and surfing is evil and created from the devil himself???
Well, I don’t believe in the devil – only mara. But, they aren’t evil unless you are doing them mindlessly. Anything done mindfully, skillfully and in balance is fine. It’s simply in the practice. I have been doing them mindlessly and they have therefore caused me suffering because my life has been out of balance. This is my experience. Hopefully it isn’t yours!
Namaste
I’m admit. I’m a TV escapee. When something does (or could) go wrong, I tend to escape into television show marathons and away from feeling my fears. At the end of the marathon, I feel worse. I’m finding that ,as you said in your post, dealing with the problem is not so bad. It’s nice to know that I’m not feeling alone on this journey with my fear.
Thank you for your encouraging post
Glad it helped 😀
I’m coming out of a long sleep of job-identity, constant spending, and other forms of instant gratification and false security. I’ve been defining myself through financial and material comforts because of all the loss and change that has upset everything so much that that’s all that was left to cling to. I’m learning to just let go and trust the process. So many wonderful things have happened from these changes that I don’t know why I still feel so stubborn, but it’s improving. It’s been a rough ride as I actively regurgitate all the garbage beliefs and detach one layer of illusory security after another.
No matter how hard it is, and how much anxiety and insomnia it’s causing, I wouldn’t trade this time for anything in the world. 🙂 I have had moments of peace that I hadn’t seen in years, right in the middle of the day, without anything having to happen first to qualify them as appropriate, nor to qualify me as deserving. They happen when I let them.
I was about to walk out the door for a semi-planned purchase last night when I suddenly found myself frozen in place before the door. My mind was racing about the purchase. I was conflicted about a purchase! I hadn’t felt that since…2004? I was reasoning that I would use the thing daily and would get tons of value out of it, but that my life would also exist fine without it. The lack of clarity in my decision making, which is usually so present and driven, scared me. I then couldn’t figure out if I was afraid of spending (putting myself at risk of undoing the growth and progress I had made about detachment) or afraid of not spending (don’t want to communicate to the universe that I am without enough money).
I had NEVER in my life been caught between a thought process of abundance vs enrichment surrounding a purchase or not. I then felt nauseated that I had actually wound myself into such a spot over something as virtual and meaningless as money. Yes, the experience of money is wonderful, but it’s not self-defining so…WTF?
I went out anyway to refill a prescription but came home without buying any planned items that I already have the money saved up for. I felt odd. Off balance. Maybe even a bit confused.
I feel like I’ve forgotten how to know when it’s ok to buy things that aren’t home/food/health related, because that means I never need to buy anything more than rent, utilities and food ever again LOL! I need an iPod touch for addresses and stuff though! I can’t just start hand-writing addresses from the address book in the computer? It would be so time saving to just sync and go. *pout* And yet, despite the money being saved, excited anticipation built-up, and good reasons list made, I froze at the door. Unbelievable! 2 months ago I would have bought two and given one away! Now I’m struggling? Who am I becoming and how the hell did it change so fast? 🙂
Interesting! I have had these situations myself, although I go through them in periods rather than all the time. It’s like they say though – see the purchase and then go away and think about it. If you still remember that you want it then go back and get it if you have the money. If you forget about it then it was simply a want of the moment that’s not worth spending money on.
These are really interesting things you are dealing with just now and the questions should help you figure out who you are becoming even if you don’t have any answers.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Namaste
Yup! It was a two part purchase of alarm clock radio and iPod. I don’t feel good about the iPod, but feel good about the radio part so I *JUST* got that today with peace and a smile. I can wait for the iPod. 🙂
Thanks for reading! Namaste!
Others have Ipad/Ipod, reading e-mails and chatting while travelling by train and happy with it. I am happy without it, becouse I really dont need that feel to be wired. The same with Facebook, TV, those are artificially created needs (or time fillers in order to not face own troubles) you can live without and be more happier, have more energy. Even worse is that there are way too many who want to keep You dependant, unsatisfied, always on the hunt for quick-satisfaction-through-consumtion. People dont understand that those “trends” and stereotypes are fake created images in order to manipulate mass. TIme to think – for WHOM its useful that I would do so? Does the way how I do, makes ME happier? And all becomes clear that all which is related to “shining in someone others eyes” makes unlucky.
Its also just time to let go that respect dependancy — dont mind others opinions if they dont care what You think about them. It must work symmetrically.
About Angela Gunn itself… as said this is NOT a quick fix for the problem itself. Thats just the beginning, not the solution itself. THe problem is STILL there and waiting to be solved, and not this way.
Great stuff on Tiny Buddha. I read it everyday. Keep it up
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can now see an end to the cycle.
[…] Dwell less on the stories you keep telling yourself, and create a new beginning today. […]
I am usually quite a rational person. I went into my current relationship with confidence and a rational mind. Although nothing is certain, I felt a great deal of content that this man was head over heels for me and the only thought I was playing with was ‘do I have the same strong feelings for him?’ He often showed concern about ‘us’, a strong interest in me, loving feelings. When he told me I meant ‘everything in the world to him’, I had no doubt in my mind that he truly meant it. As time went on, my feelings developed and we simply had a great time together. We’ve been together for a year and for the last six months of our relationship I haven’t been myself. I’ve been needy, irrational, negative, fearful. That confidence I once had went away and I want it back so dearly. We argue a lot and I have trust issues with him, which I think have developed from the crap in my head that I create. Everyday he tells me he loves me but it just doesnt feel the same. Everyday I’m dealing with these ‘what if’ scenarios in my head (in regards to him, his feelings and us) so I act out and ask him for reassurance. I realize how bothersome and annoying this is but all I want is that certainty which I know I may never have because there is no absolute guaranty that he loves me like he says he does. He’s brought up moving in together and reassures me that he wants to be with me for a long time but I immediately don’t believe it but want to. Any advice?
Well, I’m hardly a relationship expert, but I’ll do my best 🙂
I guess the question to ask yourself first is why you are having doubts. What action took place that caused you to start doubting? If you can hone in when, why and how this doubting first started then you have a place to begin figuring out why you have been feeling this way.
I also think it’s important for you to tell your partner how you are feeling and why. Be careful not to be accusatory, but approach it matter-of-factly and explain that you want him to understand what is going on with you because you love him and want your relationship to move forward.
If he is as wonderful as you describe him, then he should be willing to listen and talk your problems through with you. Everyone has fears, but it’s important that you can voice them if your relationship is to survive. If he doesn’t listen or gets upset and hurt then I think your feelings of mistrust may be trying to tell you something that you haven’t wanted to listen to or think about up until now.
Ultimately, your partner can tell you a million times a day that they love you and want to be with you, but if you don’t feel worthy of receiving that love and acceptance then there is nothing they can do or say to persuade you. Take a look at whether you love yourself enough to let someone else love you. If there’s any physical tightening when it comes to thinking about loving yourself or allowing another to love you just as you are then this could be the reason you are feeling mistrust. A lot of times when we can’t accept ourselves as we are (warts and all) we project that lack of acceptance onto our partners and in the process our mind tells us stories that cause us to thwart that relationship so that we end it before our partner can end it with us.
I hope that is helpful and that you can figure it out! Good luck and namaste!
Thanks for commenting.
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Hugs, Angela :=)
Hugs back AJ 🙂
Thank you.
Thanks 🙂
One thing I love about Tiny Buddha is how easy it is to find a post that speaks to my very situation at the moment. Today, it was this post–although listed nine months ago, it popped up on my screen as soon as I visited the site.
This is the story of my life right now, and I am currently making the effort to halt the endless cycle of negativity that is keeping me from reaching my goals. Even adding this comment is something I wouldn’t–couldn’t–have done six months ago, due to all of the voices telling me how stupid I would sound. It gives me hope that I’m not alone in this feeling and that we’re all working to overcome these damaging patterns.
Thanks again for sharing–I intend to get back on the path towards true peace of mind.
That’s so great. I truly believe that you get the Dharma you need when you need it! I’m glad you found this article helpful, even though like you said it was posted 9 months ago. I’m glad to hear you have made a change in your life that is making you feel so much better. I wish you all the best in your journey. Long may it continue to bring you happiness and peace of mind! 🙂