“Stay away from what might have been and look at what can be.” ~Marsha Petrie Sue
When I look back at some of the most painful moments of my life, I see myself sitting alone, feeling either immense shame or regret.
It’s bizarre how we can get so offended and angry when other people hurt us, and yet repeatedly choose to torture ourselves, far worse than they possibly could, through repeated mental rehashing.
For the longest time, my biggest regret revolved around missing out on life.
From a distance, people always thought I had everything going for me. Up close, you could see the cracks in that facade: No matter what I got, I was painfully discontent and depressed, and often isolated in fear.
I remember my last night in NYC at twenty-five, sitting in a tiny boxed-up efficiency studio apartment that I rented in a low-income building. I’d been in the apple for two and a half years, and my greatest accomplishments were barely noticeable to anyone but myself.
Granted, they were big ones: I’d quit smoking, formed a yoga practice, and began the slow uphill climb to liking who I was.
But the list of what I didn’t do often felt far more compelling: I didn’t form many real friendships, I never had a storybook NYC romance like I dreamed about, and I never even once auditioned for a play after growing up on the stage.
I went to NYC to convince the world I was strong, then I broke into a million little pieces and, in stubborn resistance to “giving up,” spent two years trying to glue myself back together.
For a long time I regretted that I went to the city where dreams come true and did absolutely nothing to go after mine. Then I realized something: I was not that girl anymore, and in another second, I would again be someone new.
At any moment I could let go of the weight of who I’d been and allow myself a better chance of becoming who I wanted to be.
What I did or didn’t do could either paralyze me further or motivate me to do something now—something not conceived in reaction to past disappointments but born completely anew from a moment of strength and empowerment.
We can all do that. At any time, you can take your regrets and:
1. Identify and address your weaknesses.
When we acknowledge our weaknesses, there’s often an implied sense of judgment, as if we should never make any mistakes. The alternative is to accept that everyone makes mistakes and then focus on what we can do differently going forward.
For me, that meant discovering why I was so afraid of putting myself out there. The rewards of learning to conquer that fear in the present far outweigh the pain of having given into it in the past.
2. Use your mistake as a teaching tool.
In my time writing for ‘tweens, I read many letters from girls who’ve learned to beat themselves up by watching their parents’ response to mistakes. If you forgive yourself and bounce right back, you empower your children to respond the same way.
If you’re like me and don’t have any children, think of it as helping everyone around you. I know when I see someone fall down and get back up without stressing over what they could have done differently, I feel inspired. It reminds me that it is possible, and I can do it too.
3. Use the opportunity to become better at adapting.
Most big mistakes present instant changes to reality as you know it. When I first arrived in NYC at twenty-two, I got involved in a pyramid scam, thinking it was a shortcut to success, and blew through my savings. What’s worse, I unknowingly pulled other people into a sinking ship that went under, with their money.
I couldn’t believe I’d been so naïve. I couldn’t change what I’d done, but I could take my new set of circumstances and challenges and plan a strategy to get back where I wanted to be. Any time we practice adapting, we create the possibility of happiness that doesn’t depend on perfect conditions.
4. Strengthen your ability to focus on things you can control.
If you cheated on your boyfriend after one too many margaritas, you probably wish you could go back and show more restraint. Unfortunately, what you should have done is now irrelevant. All you can do is move forward from where you are.
This is an invaluable skill because it empowers us to take positive action instead of falling into a shame cycle.
5. Embrace impermanence.
Everything in life is impermanent. While I’m not thrilled when my actions end a relationship or good situation, this reminds me to appreciate everyone and everything in the moment. There are no guarantees in life—even if I make very few mistakes.
6. Evaluate your relationships.
Think of this as your It’s a Wonderful Life moment. You’re down on your luck and vulnerable. You have to do some major life restructuring to rebound from whatever you just experienced. Are your friends there for you, offering forgiveness and support—even if it takes them a little time to get there? If not, this may be a perfect time to remove unhealthy relationships from your life.
This may also give you a chance to strengthen your relationships. If you hurt someone else, take this opportunity to discover what really motivated your actions and then let yourself get vulnerable with them. We’re all human, and nothing brings us together like acknowledging our universal struggles.
7. Get better at accepting responsibility.
I know many people who would sooner donate their organs to science than take responsibility. We’ve all passed the buck at one time or another, because it’s a risk to admit culpability. Still, there’s something empowering about saying, “I screwed up, and I accept the consequences.”
8. Challenge your thinking.
There’s a quote that reads “Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction.” If your mistake propels you toward a better future, then it’s actually a blessing in disguise. I realize mistakes oftentimes present challenges, but ultimately, you can only move forward if you find opportunities in your reality, whatever that may be.
The crazy thing about regret is that it seems imperative sometimes—as if we have to indulge it like a bed we made and now have to lie in. But there’s nothing compelling us to dwell on the way things could have been. The only thing that keeps us stuck in lost possibilities is the refusal to focus on new ones.
Life is now, and we always have a choice: Do we drown in regret over what never came to be, or use our energy to create what can be? Today, I am choosing the latter.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
I read your quotes everyday!! They are so inspiring and it seems like every quote that I read everyday is fitting for what’s going on in my life! Thank you so much!
thank you. saving the day today.
wow. this was deeply profound. a great one page summary on life. thanks!
Thank you. Tiny Buddha so often posts the things I need to hear. Here’s my question, though. What if accepting blame, apologizing, taking responsibility and trying to do what I can to make the situation isn’t better? What if people misunderstand my motives and misinterpret why I did things? How does one rebuild trust? I know that these things take time. I know people need to have their feelings. And yet, I’m having a lot of difficulty with incorrect motives being assigned to me. And then there is my own guilt and sense of failure to contend with. I’m really struggling.
The only thing you have control over is you, so accept that you have no control over other peoples perceptions of you and your actions. I have been struggling with this a lot lately, and it keeps getting reinforced that people will believe whatever they want to believe.
Some wise words and good advice. But I suspect that regret is easier to handle when one is in ones 20s and 30s, however horrendous the experiences may have seemed. Sorry this is kids stuff really. Try it later in life and it’s not so easy when time is running out… I know people who have made such impactful decisions, there’s no way forward when health and opportunities have diminished. I don’t know what to tell them
This is good stuff! Even though my life is so much better than it used to be and I’m clearly making progress, I can see that the biggest thing still holding me back is regret. I *think* I”m slowly getting past all that, and the crucial moment happened when I was finally able to accept blame for the parts I played, forgive myself for them, and totally let go of the parts I had no control over.
Guilt and regret was impacting my physical health, which started to improve as soon as I was finally able to put everything behind me. Sure, it still pops up in my mind from time to time, but I’m more and more able to either look at it dispassionately or with humor, or banish any negative thoughts altogether.
Hi Minnie,
I can understand your perspective here–that it’s hard when you know you have less time. But that begs the question: do we ever really know how much time we have? I am in my 30s, so I can’t speak to what it feels like to be 60 and disappointed with the way I’ve spent my time. I do, however, know people in their 20s and 30s with potentially fatal diseases. Their time may be running out, too.
My philosophy here is that all we can ever control is our attitude. It might be harder as we get older and pile up disappointments, but I suspect its the best way to change how often we’re disappointed going forward. Time may be running out, but as long as there’s time, we have a choice.
Of course this is what I believe now, and I can’t say for certain it won’t change over time . Ask me again in 30 years and we’ll see where I stand!
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Lori
Hi Christina,
Congrats on the positive momentum! Your story sounds a lot like mine. Guilt and regret affected my physical and emotional well-being in a big way. I’m glad to hear you’ve made such amazing strides in your journey. Thanks for reading and commenting. =)
Lori
Hi Cassandra,
I think you hit the nail on the head: it just takes time. And part of its also about acceptance. All we can do is explain ourselves to the best of our ability and then trust that in time, the people who care about us will forgive and understand that we may have made bad choices but we didn’t have bad intentions. Sometimes people just need to go through their own process at their own rate–and we don’t get a say in when they’re ready.
I know that isn’t a very comforting thing to hear, but I’ve been in that place before. I tried to focus on the lesson of letting go of the things I can’t control. Once you’ve said your part, all you can do is allow space and time and accept that you can’t make people believe things they aren’t ready to believe.
Still, that doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty until they’re ready to shift what they think. One thing I’m still learning is that how I feel about myself doesn’t have to parallel what other people feel about me. Just because someone else judges my choices that doesn’t mean I have to judge myself.
I hope this helps a little.
Lori
You are most welcome. Thank you for reading!
Thank you for reading. =)
I’m so glad you enjoy Tiny Buddha! Thanks for reading and commenting. =)
I just discovered this blog today and am a huge fan. I can literally remember every mistake and embarrassment of my life, but I never seem to dwell on the things I’ve accomplished. I need this sort of positive thinking in my life!
Thanks,
Alyssa
Hi Alyssa. Welcome to Tiny Buddha!
I know that feeling well. I’ve also spent a lot of time dwelling on all types of tiny mistakes and embarrassments. Something I’ve been working on is counting my accomplishments at the end of the day. We always hear that we should count our blessings and I think that’s great advice–but we also need to remember that we are one of those blessings!
Thanks for reading and commenting. =)
Lori
Lovely article(!) as all the articles I’ve read since I’ve subscribed 🙂 thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m going through some major changes in my life and it is so easy to relate. Its very supportive and motivating feeling, that there are lots of people like me who want to bring calmness and joy into their live by understanding that only we, ourselves, impose constrains upon ourselves though fear, anger etc. which are generated by the continuous thinking of our minds but this is just another lesson to learn, a very important one, we either let ourselves to be controlled by emotions generated by our biased mind or to learn to cooperate with it by understanding it (as a result understanding ourselves and others). My latest epiphany was “Happiness requires training” which derived from a lot of “Practice, practice, practice” of meditation and finally realising that good things take time, as i experiencing already super positive results and can see a lot more on the horizon :))))
this post seemed to be written just for me. my status on fb, written before I read this was” if your world crashes, learn the cause, pick up the pieces you want and get on with it”
the struggle goes on but it is less of a burden.
thank you Lori
I like that–pick up the pieces you want. It almost makes crashing sound valuable since you get to leave the pieces that you may no longer need. Thank you for sharing this!
I enjoyed this post very much. Very thought provoking and the reading of it, well-timed. Thank you.
You’re most welcome. =)
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A bit late in responding but I really enjoyed this article. It helped me acknowledge the fact that there is nothing I can personally do about mistakes and the past. Regret is such a wasteful emotion, don’t you think? I would rather bask in the happy nostalgia of the past joy a situation brought; or give myself a pat on the back for giving the effort in a situation. The mistake of the past simply lets us know that what we did was wrong. If we were always right, what would be the fun and adventure in learning and discovering things about life?
This is an article that I stumbled on at just the right moment. Thank you for writing this.
Well said! Regret doesn’t change anything that happened; it just limits what can happen now. Thanks for reading and sharing your perspective. =)
I found this blog after doing a search on “regret”. My regret story is complicated – at least I feel it is complicated. Has to do with letting time slip away; not being in touch with some people, friends and then the few years became a decade, now two decades; I missed out on some great years – kids growing up etc. At the time, my guilt made me not take action; now I’m angry I missed out and had just done something at 10 years past; I was young myself, so I sorta try not to be hard on myself. but all I can say is it eats at me, kinda cuz its like you don’t know what you got till its gone. I’m trying to live today; but at the same time wondering what if…what if I had been more in “their life” back then. Hope this rambling makes sense. It’s one of those things that I know I can’t change. but it eats at me saying I wish I could travel back in time, and the anger of knowing I can’t. Almost like someone dying and you are angry you cant bring them back. The people aren’t dead, and I have re-connected, but I’m still angry about the time missed…and kids not knowing me because of it
Hi there,
I can relate to what you wrote in a big way. There are certain stubborn beliefs that I held for years, and as a result, I missed out on certain things that I sometimes wish I could go back and re-experience. What helps me is to remember that every day I worry about what I missed, I am missing more. That thought pulls me back into the moment because, while we can never go back and change what we’ve done, we can do our best not to let any more days slip away.
I hope this post helped you somewhat. You are in my thoughts!
Lori
Lori,
Thank you for the response and for saying I’m in your thoughts. It did help some; I think what you said does support how I’ve been trying to cope with it; I suppose it gets a bit easier each day – but not to minimize what you have said; your words HAVE given me new thoughts that will help.
I think the only analogy I can use – and sidebar note is @@ 20 there was no way I could have had this insight I don’t think, so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself – is falling asleep in 1986 lets just say, and waking up and it’s 2000 or even 1995…..life has carried on…the train of life has carried on;when you closed your eyes, the locomotive was right there in the window as you watched the train go by….now you open your eyes and the whole train has gone by, and in fact the train tracks aren’t even there anymore….they’ve lifted up the ties, the rails because they don’t use that railline anymore. meanwhile I’m sitting there wanting to see why I didn’t see the train go by; and people are using other means to get there.
Imagine knowing a cousin err something like that as a young kid; then you kinda keep in touch…and time goes on but it always knaws at you what did they grow up like.
In my case I know the person has grown up…but I missed 90% of their life….its just very very wierd…..but thanks for letting me ramble. I don’t know what to think whether there is a benefit in trying to know them… I could…it’s just very wierd. Whats done is done as for the past. Thanks again!
This post really helped me begin to deal with my past unwise decisions. I am a work in progress. Thank you for posting this..
Hi Lori,
Thanks for commenting to Minnie’s response. She was saying exactly what I was feeling. I’m 48yrs old and have been through really bad times being a molested, rape survivor and trying daily to overcome the way it has molded me and not having the proper upbringing to encourage me that I do have worth in this life and a grew up in a violent household due to an alcoholic father and co-dependent mother. I have no children..I became barren at the age of 21 when I got married to a man who used me for citizenship which of course ended with me divorcing him. I never got into a relationship again, I have no friends who care about me, family relationships are hateful and superficial, nobody loves me no matter how kind I am and how much I reach out, I feel like I’m cursed because of all these things, obstical after obstical. Now I find myself, having finally finished college in a position of not being able to work because of an accident that have damaged my back, 2 spine surgeries that have failed and I’m in pain all the time living on pain pills..and so many more things. I find myself daily dealing with depression and trying to find reasons to live. I’m in mental health therapy and on anti-depressants to help me through my life.
My brother died in Jan 2010 (48yrs old) of heart disease and I wished so much that I could die and give my heart to him because his basket was getting full for once and had so much more to live for.
I came to this site when I typed in google about looking for help. Your words really encouraged me because, I believe due to my healing from my trauma, I find myself in despair over the barreness of my life. It’s like I want to try to recoupe all the things that I missed out on, now that I’ve come into myself and am now feeling after being numb all my life. And now I realize that I can’t recoupe it. I don’t have control over this. I can’t go back and live my life over again. I need to look at where I am now and look at who I am now and go from here. Lots of time has been lost and it’s gone forever, there is mourning in loss and it’s normal; that’s where I find myself today, but the days I have ahead, no matter how long, or short is what I have to deal with. True we don’t know how much time we have. Each day is not promised to anyone..young or old. We all hope we have time to do all the things we want in this life, but as you said, it has to do with our individual attitudes because that is all we can control. With the time we have left, moving forward, we have a choice of how we’re going to spend this time.
I’m going to spend this time developing my talents. I can sing. I love musical arts. Now with my free time I will learn how to read music and play an instrument.
Thank you for your help.
Hi Chelsea,
Your story was heartbreaking to read, because you have been through so much and I wish I could take all that pain away from you. I’m glad that you found your way here and that you found this helpful. I think its wonderful you’re going to focus on your talents. I remember one day after I’d been singing in the shower, a neighbor told me they really enjoyed hearing me sing. It was an awkward moment, for sure, but it also made me think: sometimes we have no idea how we effect other people for the better. I’m sure your voice has made people smile more times than you realize. I hope you give that gift to many more people going forward. The world deserves a chance to know the beauty that only you can share.
Sending you love and light,
Lori
It has been 8 months since my breakup and mostly this time has been spent in… regret. Suddenly, I stopped and thought: “I really need to stop feeling this way, where can I find help?” I googled and now I’m here with a new found sense of purpose and optimism to carry on with my life. It’s very simple, and for a long time the cycle seemed “unbreakable” but it is and I am just so grateful that someone somewhere took the time to write this 😀 Many blessings your way.
You are most welcome, Clementine. I’m happy to help. Many blessings your way, as well!
[…] It’s a decision you’ll regret. […]
I really enjoyed this article although I am still in the stage of living yesterdays regrets I do feel after this read I am content to stop this cycle of beating myself up about what I should’ve, could’ve and now focus on today, tomorrow and the positive that is around me, because who knows if those decisions I made were really the wrong ones because I have so much that is wonderful around me. I need to now focus on new possiblities and not be afraid to live in the now. Thank you
You’re most welcome. It sounds like you’re in a great mental place at the moment, shifting your focus to today. That’s great! I’m sending good thoughts your way. =)
Hi lori just read ur post now . I am a 43 year old,divorced women.I grew up with my dads family bec my mum is mentally ill and my dad was on drugs who used to beat my mum. I grew up with no love. When I got married my husband cheated on me,sexually abused and beat me with a belt.I was maried for 12 years now divorced for 7 years.I am happy to be free from my abuse . My daughter and son live with my exhusband and his new wife. My only regret is that I did not do more to get my children to stay with me. Now they are grown and I haved missed out on them .they now choose to live with their dad . Although I am a teacher I come home to an empty flat and miss my children very much. I beat myself up everyday for this regret .my kids don’t live in the same town as I and I rarely see them
Hi Saajida,
I can only imagine how difficult all this must have been to you, to have witnessed what you did growing up, and then experienced abuse in your own marriage. I can understand why it would be distressing to live without your children. Are you still able to see them regularly?
You are in my thoughts!
Lori
Not a good review,I just left my grandfathers death bed with so much things to say and so much to hear from hear,neither of those things will ever happen now.This is a regret that I will have the burden of for the rest of my life.
Not a good review,I just left my grandfathers death bed with so much
things to say and so much to hear.This is a regret that I will have the burden of for the
rest of my life.
I’m so sorry for your loss Roryboss.
This is an awesome post. I just finished writing my own tips about this and I guess I should’ve read this as well!
I’m glad you enjoyed this Roland!
Yes, when you become old one’s regrets and failures are indeed a terrible burden, there is no solution but to stoically accept responsibility for being selfish, cruel and even cowardly, pain is your punishment, I try to help the weak and vulnerable now that the hour glass is dwindling, but I wish I had done it all my useless life.
That breaks my heart, to think you believe you have to feel pain as your punishment. I’m sure you did the best you could, even if you made mistakes in the past. I think it’s wonderful that you try to help people now. I know this may not mean much considering how little I know about you, but based on what you wrote, it seems like your life is far from useless.
hello…..i was sitting drowned in regret for not working hard in my exam….ur article helped me….thanx
I’m so glad it helped! =)
How can regret be handled when your in a relationship that reminds us ofour past everyday. I am a mother, was married at 17, never enjoyed my life, no work, no school.
Do you enjoy any of our life now?