“When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Well into my twenties, all of my friendships with women looked a lot like junior high.
One day, we’d be codependent and attached at the hip, sending incessant play-by-play emails throughout the workday like one too many notes in class.
The next day, we’d be dragging each other by the hair into a heap of combined emotional issues, complete with nasty suspicions, unfounded accusations, and a dramatic reconciliation that would inevitably be short-lived.
Shortly after one toxic friendship eroded, I found a new one, like a mythological creature that regenerates its head immediately after it’s cut off. Things weren’t much different with the men I dated.
For a long time, I lamented all the damaging relationships I’d been in, as if I was some kind of victim who always got the short end of the stick.
Then one day I realized there was a reason I always found myself in dramatic relationships: I was attracted to drama like a moth to a flame.
Chaos was the status quo for the majority of my life, and when it wasn’t there, I panicked. I didn’t feel comfortable unless I was fighting someone, or at the very least, fighting myself.
The things I said and did contradicted because it was easier to blame the world and stay the same than it would be to really see myself and make a change.
You might not be a recovering drama queen like me, but you’ve probably encountered your share of relationship histrionics.
Maybe your close friend has as many catastrophes as there are days of the week. Maybe you’re the person everyone calls with their problems. Or maybe you unknowingly turn small issues into major crises and you’d like to stop feeling so overwhelmed.
Whatever the case, you probably have at least a little drama in your life that you’d like to minimize.
With this in mind, I recently asked on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page: How do you minimize drama in your life? I took a sampling of the 183 responses and formulated this guide to defusing drama:
1. Recognize when you might be creating drama.
You get what you put out. If you act in a way that is positive and minimal drama, you attract the same kind of positive situations and people. ~April Myers
Drama usually comes from my reaction to other people’s actions. I stop to think: Does this really matter in the long run, or am I just trying to be right? ~Anita Grimm-Hohl
I minimize drama within myself. When I’m focused and calm, so is the world around me. ~Cynthia Ruprecht Hunt
Take it off the page:
If there’s drama in multiple areas of your life, be honest with yourself—you’re the constant. Are you creating it? We don’t do anything repeatedly unless there’s something in it for us, so, what’s the payoff?
Are you looking for attention or excitement? Did you grow up with drama and you just plain feel best when there’s some around you?
Now aim to find alternative solutions. If you’re looking for attention, can you get it more directly? If you’re bored, what new adventure can create in your life?
2. Change your perspective.
Be happy about little things, let the big stuff go because I can’t change any of it. ~Grace Foo
I zoom out in my mind to a point far enough away and above so that I can see things in my life for what they are. By doing this, I can see from a distance how small and unimportant the situation is in the big scope of the universe. ~Larry Stilts
Is this situation going to matter a year from now? If not, it’s not worth worrying about. ~Angela Orr
Take it off the page:
A lot of the drama takes place in our own heads, and it’s usually because we’re too deeply immersed in a difficult situation to recognize it isn’t as dire as it seems.
If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by a situation, step back and realize this feeling isn’t permanent—nothing is. Then focus on action steps—on the things you can control. What can you today to proactively create a solution?
3. Don’t feed into other people’s drama.
Build a reputation for not participating in drama. ~Addy Rodriguez
Just be. Anything you resist persists. Don’t add any negative or positive focus on it. ~Nikki Star
Speak less, listen more. You have time to hear and see the drama and sidestep it. ~Alexis Benjamin
Be an observer. Not everything needs a reaction. ~Angelina PhouGui Chan-Ong
Take it off the page:
If someone repeatedly comes to you with catastrophes, give yourself a window of time when you’ll listen, and then take care of your own needs by walking away. Also, resist the urge to jump into a pity party. Oftentimes people calm themselves down when other people don’t validate their complaints.
Lastly, focus on your breath. Your calming energy may even help them let go.
4. Reconsider unhealthy relationships.
Minimize dramatic people in your life. ~Jeff Palmer
Befriend only people with good energy that don’t promote or create drama. ~Carmen Portela
I realize that spending time by myself is always preferable to spending time with someone who wants drama. Nothing wrong with a dull day. ~Stephanie Goddard
Remove the source of drama from my life. It really is that simple. ~Claudia Jacobs
Take it off the page:
Take an inventory of which people in your life leave you feeling stressed and unhappy more often than not. If you don’t want to completely remove a toxic relationship, minimize the time you spend together.
If you don’t want to change how often you see each other, recognize drama triggers. When the conversation moves toward her horrible mother, steer it somewhere else.
5. Be clear and straight with other people.
Be as open and honest and communicative as possible. Listen without reacting. ~Faith McGregor
If I have an issue with someone I go straight to them to talk about it, and I don’t talk to anyone else about it if they aren’t involved. Gossip breeds drama! ~Kristie Sherman
Drama comes about because of either misunderstanding or overreaction. Be as honest and open in all cases as possible. Quell your own negative emotions, which will in turn diffuse the negative emotions of others. ~Vito Ruiz
Take it off the page:
A lot of drama comes from poor communication and confusion. Eliminate it by finding the courage to say exactly what you mean. It may be harder in the moment, but it can save a lot of heartache in the long run.
On the flip side, let people know that they can be honest with you. If someone thinks they need to walk on eggshells around you, they’ll likely hold things in—but they will come out eventually, if not in words, in resentful actions.
6. Be slow to label something as “drama.”
When it comes to people you know you love, always take an extra moment to reconsider, if the “problem” is actually a problem, if it’s worth making a big deal out of it. ~Christian Andersen Hauge
I realize that life is a roller-coaster and my problems are much like others’ at different times. ~Margaret I. Gibson
Love them a little more. It’s who they are. It might even be you. ~Ed Pulsifer
Don’t speculate, good or bad. Simply deal with what’s actually in front of you. ~Michael Stodola
Take it off the page:
Sometimes what we’re labeling as drama is just someone who really needs us. Instead of expelling mental energy judging the situation as good or bad, focus on being there and being a friend in the moment.
Then be a friend to yourself and let the drama go when you walk away. A lot of the drama we experience in life comes from our interpretations of the things we experience—particularly after the moments have passed.
7. Learn from drama.
I attempt to allow the inevitable episode, extract any potential meaning or lesson, and equally allow it to pass. ~Joel Olmstead
I try to see the learning experience in the drama. And I think of the sentence “Without rain you can’t enjoy the sunny days.” ~Anja Feijen
Accept it, learn from it, and go on with life. ~Vincent Neerings
Take it off the page:
Sometimes it seems like drama happens to us, and we’re powerless to remove ourselves from the cause. Another perspective is that every time we find ourselves immersed in something that seems overwhelming, we have an opportunity to learn how to deal with challenges better.
Life will always involve mini fires that we feel desperate to put out. If we can learn not to fan them, they may actually be able to light our way.
Some of the Facebook responses were slightly edited for spelling; some were part of longer responses with more detail.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
- Web |
- More Posts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
“Shortly after one toxic friendship eroded, I found a new one, like a mythological creature that regenerates its head immediately after its cut off.”
Right on. It’s funny how we make the leap to end one unhealthy relationship and another one pops up. Great post. Definitely made me think!
I’m printing this out and passing it on to my college age daughter. Thank you!
I have to admit that i used to be a drama queen myself when i was younger. I would create arguments out of nothing just so i could shout at someone. My mum used to tell me all the time to stop but i wasn’t consciously aware of what i was doing at the time. Apparently i was the same in my relationships because i met my ex girlfriend again after 12 years and she told me i used to be so angry and argumentative. I thought i was just a passionate guy but as i got a little older and wiser i could see the error of my ways.
These days I’m quite the opposite and have become a very spiritual person. I think it was a combination of growing up, admitting i was drama queen and taking responsibility for my actions. I see the good in every situation now, i work on myself daily and the girlfriend i mentioned above, who is once again a part of my life, says that I’m ever so meek these days.
Loved this post Lori, i always enjoy reading your articles.
[…] Read this article: 7 Crucial Steps to Minimize Drama in Your Life | Tiny Buddha […]
Utterly brilliant, Lori… the words of wisdom from yourself and the TB contributors are all spot on. Thank you!
This is something I’ve been working on a lot over the last couple of years. I think I’m in a much better place than I was.
Today I was on a train back from work & I overheard a young guy going full-bent drama queen over something. He was speaking very loudly (not sure if this was on purpose) and going into the minutia of the issue that he had at full volume, with a high dose of melodrama. It made me smile because it reminded me how easy it is to be that person – it’s much easier to slide into melodrama and drama-queen mode than it is to take a real look at yourself, and be your essential self — not the self you project to protect yourself.
After dealing with a toxic sister for all my life I have finally cut her from my life…as awful as it sounds it actually felt really really good! She was a drama queen, so angry about everything and always blaming someone for something. She would have a problem with everyone, other siblings, our parents, workmates, housemates, even going to dinner was an issue as it would be the end of the world as the meal was never to her standard. SHe was a huge sulker, even going out with people who all had something in common, like a hobby or a profession and they would talk about it she would get sulky and angry as it didn’t involve her. I got to the point I didn’t care and shrugged it off. I couldn’t breathe without her issuing me an infringment notice for living! After a series of emails where she accused me of things I didn’t do (I even apologised to keep the peace) and making mountains out of molehills sort of things, she kept at me kept at me and kept at me…what was she trying to do? I showed two people who know what she is like and close to her and they said to cut her from my life as she is a toxic/jealous person. I am so glad they told me this, it confrimed what I had always thought. I did cut her from my life and I am happy with that decision, for my sanity and my heatlh…who needs someone in their life who wants to constantly hurt them and keeps at them trying to bring them down? After years of put-downs, walking on egg shells, being careful of what I say (even things not related to her in conversation she would take offence!) and being careful of what looks I gave…I am now free and couldn’t be happier. I refused to play into her drama of playing a victim. One day I hope she changes, I do want her to be happy but not at other people’s expense!
I can imagine how hard it was to make that decision, but it sounds like you did the right thing for you. I’m glad you’re feeling a lot more peaceful now, and I hope that your choice inspires your sister to reconsider the way she engages with people. Thanks for reading and sharing your story!
Absolutely! I leap-frogged from one to the next with no real sense of the bigger picture. Self awareness is everything. Thanks for reading–I’m glad this made you think!
Thanks Declan. I could relate to everything you wrote, especially the part about thinking you were just a passionate person. Time and perspective can make a world of difference!
I think it really does take a conscious effort. When I see someone getting all worked up, clearly ready to snap, it reminds me of how miserable I feel when I make mountains out of molehills. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting! Almost like a grown up tantrum.
Thank you! What a wonderful thing to read. =)
You’re most welcome!
Thank you Lori! And a big Thank you for writing this article. I especially like this you wrote, “A lot of the drama we experience in life comes from our interpretations of the things we experience—particularly after the moments have passed.” It reminds meof this analogy by the Dalai Lama which I read in the Art of Happiness (at least I think it was that book!). It was about being cut off when driving, and the driver was angry, got all worked up and abusive. The person who did the cutting in is oblivious to what they have done let alone how angry the other driver is, This driver goes on their merry way. The driver who got cut off is hurting him/herself immensely physically and mentally as they are putting their whole body through stress as their reaction.
I actually read that book last year, and I remember that part. It’s so true! Sometimes I think we feel justified in our anger and then just stew in it, like we’re entitled to it–completely forgetting that it’s not something we actually want. I try to remember this when I start getting worked up over something beyond my control.
[…] and I’m seeing everything through a technicolor kaleidescope. Nothing is what it used to be, meaning and learning are everywhere. We’re having a blast. It is truly an adventure. And so, for the time being, I’m going […]
I had a similar situation with my older sister and decided to stop all communication. I feel so much better, too! Thank you for your post. It helps to know that there are other people who have had to make the same difficult choices for their own happiness.
[…] crucial steps to minimize drama in your life – if you’re tired of being wrapped up in too much drama, try these steps to get things […]
know yourself , know what you need and you want and the differences of each, love is a many splendored things- it takes a many things to get you to a point, what is love to you, don’t be rushed in any situation, when it comes to relating to a potenial partner, get to kow them and you,with them.
[…] By Lori Deschene/Tiny Buddha […]
In general, I wouldn’t say I was attracted to drama or that I created it, but this sentence definitely caught my attention:
“I didn’t feel comfortable unless I was fighting someone, or at the very least, fighting myself.”
I am 39, and only last year in therapy did I finally see that I had been fighting my whole life (sometimes for basically no reason at all!). I just finally reached the point where I was SO TIRED and didn’t have it in me any more. That’s when I started to realize that it was not my job, responsibility or even necessary to make someone accept who I am, or hear what I was saying or anything else. I always felt like there was chaos around me because I didn’t have it in me to just let go and stop fighting all the time. Everything was a battle, and nothing was easy and I couldn’t ever figure out why. I finally understood that if someone wasn’t willing to see who I am, or listen to what I have to say, then I could just move on. Even with family or romantic relationships. I can only try so hard before I just have to admit there’s nothing more I can do and then go my merry way! For all those years, I’d thought that my existence was dependent on people accepting me, and so few did that I developed this huge “me vs. the world” attitude. I couldn’t understand why other people went along quietly and even peacefully when I didn’t even seem to be allowed to exist!
Needless to say, the lesson of letting go/giving in/stopping the “fight” was absolutely necessary for my sanity, and my growth as a person. It’s funny how simple it seems when I look back on it, but it was something I had to learn in my own way and I’m grateful I was finally able to stop the cycle!
Great topic, and really helpful points/solutions as well. Another very relevant article for me! Thanks, Lori!
[…] distractions could be problems in your life, drama in your relationships, or old negative beliefs popping up from your […]
[…] 30s) I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back […]
[…] we had a ideal fairy-ideal of what regretful adore was, substantially since we was an singer and loved drama behind […]
[…] 30s) I had a perfect fairy-ideal of what romantic love was, probably because I was an actress and loved drama back […]
[…] Pay attention to what happens to your energy when you talk less, and how much happier you feel as you conserve more energy. Plus, you will love the simple intimacy of your relationships as you increase presence and heart-centered listening, freeing yourself of complications and unwanted dramas. […]
[…] I didn’t set healthy personal boundaries, I was exhausted, I couldn’t focus, and I felt consumed by drama around me, in both my personal and professional lives. As I result, I dealt with a lot of conflict, […]
I absolutely love your blog, and this post for me is a real standout. As the Buddha says, when one begins to advance along the path, things will naturally fall way like leaves on a tree (and sadly old friendships will get caught in the mix). Sometimes, it’s hard to explain to family (or your old friend) why this friendship is no longer being pursued, but I must believe that certain friendships were meant for a season, and a rare few, for a lifetime. If a friendship is based on nothing other than gossip and drama, it’s time to drop it … It may hurt for a while, with a great sense of loss, but I have faith that the opening will be filled by more enlightened friends, the start to your true sangha. A quick question for you … I have your blog coming through via RSS feed on MyYahoo page, but for some reason, your RSS address is no longer being recognized … any suggestions? I’m glad I had you bookmarked, as I needed a bit of wisdom today; otherwise, I might have missed this great content. Namaste 🙂
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Victoria! I’ve definitely had my share of dramatic friendships, and I find that as I grow, I continue to attract and create healthier relationships.
Thank you for letting me know about the RSS issue. I actually have someone working on a new feature for the site, and I think he accidentally did something that created a problem with the RSS page. I’m working to fix the issue ASAP!
[…] There was no under-the-Bodhi-Tree momentous revelation, but rather a gradual learning and realization, almost anti-climatic, after all the drama. […]
[…] How to manage toxic relationships? I get a hazardous materials suit and helmet. Toxic Relationships…lationships" border="0" align="left" /> How to manage toxic relationships? […]
[…] time to time, an in spite of the fact that she wasn’t a regular, when she did come her practice brought drama and disruption to the harmony we were trying to […]
I had two sisters, both older who were both filled with drama, but they drank and did drugs, I havent. I recently cut the other one out a few months ago about a year and half after other one due to it all. It hurt and I miss them both, but they were so toxic. A counselor said they seemed jealous of me. I never considered that. To me that feels conceited.
So, question on Point 4, asked because of some drama that’s unfolded in my relatively non-dramatic life over the past few days – what if the unhealthy relationship is between you and your mother? It’s not so bad that I want to cut her out of my life, that seems cruel. But she is one of the more consistent (not constant, but consistent) sources of drama in my life, and one of the few people who can suck me into such drama because she knows exactly how to push my buttons.
Any tips on this? We live an hour apart and don’t see each other often but have been in a habit of communicating regularly through email since I was in college.
Hi KKZ,
I understand. I have some family members who push my buttons too! My question for you:
How do you respond to the drama? A therapist once told me that we can’t change how people act; we can only change how we respond to them.
I wrote a “tiny post” that you may helpful (and also, some of the comments may help):
http://dev.tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-the-relationships-we-wish-would-improve/
I hope this helps!
Lori
I had a really big argument with my mother yesterday and everything that is in this article she said to me, with some other low blows..with her ii feel like the drama is always at a 10. I always want to get my point across and maybe I just have to get over that were not gonna meet half way. we don’t have a good relationship, it’s very awkward speaking to her on a day to day basis. maybe this article can be a start for me, maybe then she won’t be imbarassed and disappointed
This article is helpful for me because I have been dealing with drama in friendships lately and I have realized I am part of the problem but my friends have also not given me the benefit of the doubt if they “hear” something about me or what I may have said which is hurtful. I recently had a friend delete me from her life basically based on gossip which told me maybe I don’t need someone like that in my life. I have actually been happier because of it. Now my other friend it is still awkward with us and our relationship will not be the same but hopefully it can at least be salvaged. Thanks again for the interesting reading!
You’re most welcome! I’m so glad this was helpful to you. I’ve had some friendships that entailed a lot of drama and simply didn’t work, and though it was painful to see them end, it ultimately ended up being the best thing for everyone involved. I hope you’re able to salvage your friendship with the other friend!
I can identify with this soo well.
My girlfriend friend is drama and me and my girlfriend fight becouse of her but my girlfirnd does not see that what do I do shes young im older then she is she acts like a kid and always trying to up one on me becouse shes know her longer
Everyone should read this. Its gives you a reality check. I hopefully can practice some of this in my life
I’m glad you found this post helpful Cheryl!
This is wonderful!! Thank you!!
You’re welcome!
Thank you for posting this. I am currently in a similar situation. I have come to the realization that I can’t do anything to make my sister happy, because she is unhappy. She fundamentally believes that my existence is such a burden and pain to her because it takes attention away from my mom, and she manipulates and abuses my overwhelming desire to have her love, or even like me. That being said, I am terrified to cut her out because I would never want to do that to my mom who actually just had a heart attack and now has a condition. At the very least, I have, for the first time yesterday, articulated how I felt about a particular issue which made me feel better, though she took the viewpoint that how I felt was invalid and really didn’t matter to her. What do you do? I can’t cut her out of my life because I care about who will be affected by this more than my own mental health I guess, but I have made it clear that I will no longer accept or stand for this type of behavior….which may make her cut me out of her life, like she did to our father. I guess if that happens then I will have to accept it and know for certain that she just doesn’t want a relationship with me, which is sad…
That nothing try living with two parents not knowing who is worst your mother or father drama queen or king of drama
Im not saying my is worst than yours but almost 23 years of drAma as result my brothers they have no empathy they pushing me too be less empathic
One is best advised to leave the dramas of our lives as we find them, and do our best to find ways to work within them. http://circlesquaredblog.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/the-human-comedy/
Wow! thank you for this article! I had a best friend for 12 years, and he got this new girlfriend and ever since they started going out, she has been causing drama between me and my friendship with my friend!
She’s always telling him I’m a bad person, I’m a liar, I’m a crook, I’m not an honest person… Every time we suppose to hang out she always makes herself present when it’s suppose to be just the 2 of us, every time I call him to talk on the phone she’s in the background causing problems, and at one point he even tried to help me find a job working for someone and his girlfriend went out of her way to get me fired by telling this lady all stupid lies about me!!!
I had to take a break from all of this!!! This was stressing me out to the point of having panic attacks and my doctor said this stress was not good for my health… I took a break from our friendship for a few months and than I called him recently just to see how’s he doing and he’s complaining about his girlfriend how she does stupid things like ignore him when her friends are around, belittle him, accuses him of keeping secrets from her, and now she’s complaining to him about his other friends since I took myself out of the picture, saying stuff like “don’t do music with your friends, they just going to steal your music!”
Every time i try to confront him about his girlfriend, he gets mad and never does anything about it. He calls me “childish” when I just want to know “WHAT DID I DO WRONG WHERE THIS GIRL HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME?!!!” Than he gets engaged to this girl and lies to me saying he’s been seeing other women at his job!!! I don’t understand why he had to lie to me about getting engaged??? I really don’t care what he does with his life, I mean for the past 12 years I’ve known him, all he does is cheats on every women he’s been with!! He’s even gotten 2 women pregnant, his ex girlfriend and his current girlfriend at the same time and they both had abortions in the same month! What you do with your life is your business, all I care about is the truth and I don’t like people causing problems for me for no reasons!
So a few days ago he said he wanted to put an end to the situation, I told my side of the story, I was on the speaker phone so everyone can hear what I have to say. My only question was “what have I done to this girl to deserve having her trying to ruin my life???” She didn’t want to get on the phone to answer any of the questions I brought up. He said he will call me back to resolve the issue. I’ve waited for hours for him to call me back because I really want to hear what stupid excuses she has to say about me!!! When he called me back he left this stupid dumb message saying “lets just forget everything and let everything go and just move on.” WOW!!! SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH??? AND WHERE IS MY DAMN APOLOGY?!!!
I was very hurt by that message because yes, I want to resolve everything but also, what did I do wrong? It seems like no one can tell me what I did wrong and he keeps sweeping everything under the rug… If I really did something wrong, than tell me!!! Why complain and not have a legitimate reason for the complaint???
My friend of 12 years turned out to be an absolute PUNK! I have been there for him, done so much for him, and when his girlfriend started giving me problems for no reason, all he does is makes excuses for everything she does…. It hurts me to death but I cut him off for good now after seeing how he was never a REAL friend to begin with… If he had a problem with my girlfriend, I would have resolved the problem from the beginning. But unfortunately he turned out to be a fake friend who is only friends with you to take what you have to offer and don’t bother to give back. I thought at least we would have valued our friendship enough not to let anything hurt it but after 12 wasted years, I was wrong.
I am happy to have let go of him because now I feel much better and every morning I wake up it’s like a breath of fresh air.
After reading this article, I have decided to examine my life and to cut of anything and everything that is causing drama to the point of me suffering from panic attacks… Right now I see a lot of people in my life I have known for years and right now I am going to make the decision to cut off every one because I have been hurt and unhappy for many years and all I do is try to be good to every one even though they have hurt me a great deal… I feel it is not fair that people have really destroyed my happiness even though I wake up every morning trying to make every one happy… Thank you for this article, it has done a great deal of good for me:)
This is so true. Stepping back and looking.You can only control what you can control.When you hold resentment toward another you are bound to that person or condition by a emotional link that is stronger then steel desolving that link (forgiveness) resolve=no inner turmoil=break the link