“Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.” ~Unknown
For me, disappointment is one of life’s most uncomfortable feelings. It’s complex, containing a subset of other emotions like anger, hurt, sadness, and probably many others too subtle to identify.
Sometimes, those emotions by themselves are easier to deal with, but disappointment can leave me at a loose end.
I might not be sure whether I should feel angry, or just impatiently wish that I would hurry up and get over it. Disappointment can hover at the front of your mind and niggle at the back, bringing you a grey perspective on life, even if you’re trying to forget about it.
Here are 4 steps I’ve recently identified in my own process for genuinely getting past disappointment:
1. Let it out.
One of the hardest things to do in a world where everything is immediate—we are all under external pressure, and time is a scarce resource—is to just let yourself experience a feeling.
Even at the most difficulties times, such as grieving, on average we only allow ourselves 1 to 2 weeks off or work, and then we mostly expect to get back into normality again.
Human beings are not very good at allowing the experiencing of emotions in full without trying to speed up the process. The only time we have this ability in its purest sense is when we are young children who have yet to be told or taught what is socially acceptable.
Children will tantrum and cry and scream, or laugh until it runs out and they are genuinely ready to move on.
I’m not suggesting we lock ourselves away for weeks at a time whenever we have been disappointed, but to be aware of any sense of obligation to “just get over it.”
Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling without any agenda of speeding up the process. Whatever you are feeling is OK. Take some time to just sit with your emotion and experience it without moving to fix or change it.
Genuinely experiencing emotions, no matter how painful, is one of the beauties of life. Don’t shy away from these moments. Be present in them.
2. Get some perspective.
The wonderful thing about letting it out is that you have given yourself that time. You have said to yourself, “I care about you. I want to allow you to feel what you need to feel and I do not wish to push you or cajole you.”
You have treated yourself like a friend and allowed yourself the space you needed to experience your feelings of disappointment.
Once you’ve done that, it becomes much easier to get some perspective. After you give yourself space to feel, you’re able to give the situation or individuals involved more room to breathe.
Perhaps the person who you feel disappointed by doesn’t even realize they’ve done something to upset you. Maybe they’re stressed out and don’t have the emotional bandwidth to think about it because they aren’t allowing themselves time to experience their emotions.
Giving yourself space to be as you are prepares you to allow the same to other people.
Having a broader perspective than your own view on a particular situation is always helpful. The critical point here is that you have to mean it. Rushing onto gaining perspective before you’ve allowed yourself to be with how you feel will be artificial and will not last.
3. Know your own heart.
Disappointment can ripple through to the core of who you are. If you don’t know what your core values are, you may not have a framework to support you when you experience negative emotions.
For example, one of my core values is open-heartedness. I wish to keep an open heart and be ready to share love and kindness with others, irrespective of how they might behave.
I would like to always try to choose to act with love and kindness towards others, rather than with negativity.
When someone disappoints me and I feel like closing and withdrawing, I remember this core value, then pause and make a choice.
I wish to be an open-hearted person. These negative feelings are feelings, and they will pass. Do I choose to remain open-hearted, or do I choose to follow the easier instinct and close off?
More often than not, I choose to be in line with my values over the automatic response to the situation. It doesn’t happen every single time, but most.
Knowing your own heart and your values gives you the freedom of choice. You can choose to be driven by what happens to you, or you can choose to live in line with your principles.
The latter has helped me to overcome disappointments and negative situations in a healthy way. The challenge of disappointment allows me to practice living closer to my values, and stops me from being swallowed up by it.
4. Practice acceptance.
As human beings, even though we know that some things are bound to happen, we’re not always willing to accept them.
Every time I am disappointed, I feel overwhelmed by my emotions. I’m inclined to withdraw and blame others, wanting to wallow in my disappointment. Each time, I have to accept that I will feel these things again.
I have to accept that I will continue to be disappointed—that it is a part of life, part of being human. I also have to accept that I will probably continue to struggle to accept this fact, at various points throughout the rest of my life!
This step is a lifelong challenge and fundamental to dealing with disappointment. I will be disappointed, I will disappoint, you will be disappointed, and you will disappoint. Life will be disappointing—but it will pass.
Practice acceptance and we may suffer less as it is happening and notice the good things in life more.
Disappointment is a part of life, but all parts of life can help us grow. We can be present and aware even in the midst of negative emotions and therefore live more fully.
Photo by shawncampbell
About Raeeka
Raeeka is a coach and kundalini yoga teacher who guides people toward creating an intentional life full of meaning, value, and joy. Join her mailing list to gain access to her free online community, a bonus guided relaxation audio, and her cheat sheet on the twelve areas of fulfilment to focus on for a blissful life.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 
Wow. This truly came just as I wanted to read something to make me feel better about a recent disappointment. That’s a pretty fortunate coincidence. I love it.
This is great! I needed this because I’m in the last year of high school and almost every week I get my subject exam’s results back. Right now, everything is fine. But I know one day, I am going to be strike by disappointment and it might make me feel uncomfortable for my next exam. I am relating this to the quote “Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.” Thanks to this post, I am glad that I will be more aware when disappointments come in place. I won’t be on the ground, I will still stand up and experience the feeling.
Thank you very much 🙂
Hi Shar, I’m glad this helped you! Good luck with it all.
It’s great when that kind of thing happens isn’t it! I’m glad this was a fortunate coincedence & I hope it helped with your recent disappointment.
Thanks so much for this post, I’ve recently been having to deal with a series of disappointments, including someone close to me letting me down big style. I’ve been struggling to figure out how to deal with it and your post has helped me realise that i am on the right track. Thanks for laying it out so clearly. Great post. 🙂
You’re most welcome Fiona – I’m glad it’s helpful to you 🙂
Thank you for this awesome post. Just-in-time. 🙂
i needed to hear this. thank you. i hope i am truely on the right path. these are obstacles in my life that i will conquer and win!
I was severely disappointed on Jan 2nd, 2011 when my son that I was 42 weeks pregnant with was pronounced dead when I finally went into labor and went to the hospital. 42 weeks of hoping, dreaming, preparing, anticipating… gone in two short words, “I’m sorry”. That was all they had to say- I definitely identify with your points of gaining perspective and the acceptance stage- and allowing yourself to feel an emotion once in awhile. Grief, however, is one of those emotions you just can’t stop. Thank you for this post! It’s pretty right on with many areas of life’s disappointments.
Thank you for helping me understand it is okay to have an open-heart. For years I have been told to “be bitchier” by friends because I am a “pushover”. Which I feel is untrue, I stick up for myself when I need to but I enjoy helping other people feel happy, why should I be mean? Your post reassured me that I am handling a recent disappointment in my own way, on my own time. Now I understand that it is okay to not have to retreat and protect myself and instead handle things in a more positive way, my way.
I’ve been sitting at work for a week now letting myself feel the severe disappointment over the betrayal of someone I was dating and had allowed to get close to my heart. He changed overnight for reasons unknown, and I was wondering if allowing myself to have these feelings and not lower my standards as to mimic his behavior was worth it. Thanks for affirming that there is nothing wrong with practicing your values (such as not stooping to vindictiveness) and for the reminder that it is a blessing to be able to feel at all.
Hi Heather, what a lovely comment. I’m so glad. I can completely relate & spent quite a lot of time myself figuring that out. It’s amazing what clarity you can have when you think about your values & what matters to you. I hope you are inspired to be open-hearted as you wish, & forgiving of yourself when you can’t be.
Be who you are, what you value, who you need to be.
Oh Julieanne, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m glad you find the post useful, and I wish you the best.
You are very welcome – good luck 🙂
Curious: How does forgiveness work in these cases?
Hi Diane – glad that it helped – for me it was such a revelation to realise that I could be disappointed without behaving out of sync with myself and my values. I hope it’s the same for you.
Hi Jane. Interesting question. For me, forgiveness is something that I value. I believe that people make mistakes & are fallible, and also often don’t realise how what they are doing might be hurting. For the most part, it’s step 3, knowing myself – that allows me to reconnect with my desire to forgive people. What do you think?
Came home last night after a fundraising event i put on failed to meet my expectations. lots of no-shows, little money raised, stood around generally uncomfortable for two hours and couldn’t get home quick enough only to be confused with feelings of anger and sadness all at the same time. what do you do with that crap in your head. its a fund raiser for a great cause, how do you get mad at people for not coming that said they would, how do you make up for what the expectations of the charity were -vs- what was delivered. wow it was a tough night.
today i read this blog and in seconds i at 42 come to learn that that suck ass emotion is called disappointment. I don’t like it at all, but wow how it motivated me to learn from the lesson, pick up the pieces, and go at it from another direction. giddy up.
Aw, Kris I can totally relate! I think it’s admirable that you give up your time to charity – it’s clearly one of your values & important to you, so yeah! Giddy up! 🙂
It is something I definitely cherish but find very difficult to do as it feels like the forgiveness creates an emotional debt. That is, I’m doing something nice without receiving in return. Perhaps that’s selfish, but it just FEELS like I’m giving too much despite forgiveness being valuable to oneself. I hope that makes sense. I struggle with this.
Hi Jane, how do you feel about people forgiving you?
Raeeka.
Disappointment — what a compelling topic. Sometimes we seem to create more drama around a disheartening event so that we don’t have to feel it. More stories, more rumination. Although our lives are so busy, if we can find the feeling of disappointment in our bodies, then the actual emotion will only stay with us for about 90 seconds. However, it’s our stories about disappointment and injustice that seem to linger on and on.
I appreciate you reminding us that we need to time and perspective to heal from disappointments.
Thanks.
What great timing for your post! These little “life lessons” seem have a habit of turning up just when I need them most! 🙂
I have recently been disappointed by a friends rather “un-friend-like” attitude and behaviour towards me…. Open-heartendness and forgiveness are two of my core beliefs – both of which i have struggled to maintain during this situation.
Reading your post has made me realise that, yes I have been disappointed – it’s happened before and it will happen again! – but it doesn’t mean that I have to let it take over me.
I have taken ownership of what my contribution has been to the situation, but whilst I have forgiven my friend for her contribution, I have been living IN the disappointment of it.
Now it is time for me to accept the disappointment for what it is; part of life, something that we are both experiencing towards the other, and most importantly a stepping stone for our friendship to grow from.
Thank you!
I so agree with #1…we just don’t allow ourselves to do this. So much pressure! Thank you
There is no global rule for how to live/feel, its up to the individual how to react to a situation. Live your life in your own way. Keep the great going dude.
I too am in a philanthropic career, and what I’ve always told myself is that I did all that I could do, I am not able to control someone else putting pen to paper or their foot to the ground. What I can control is my ability to spread the word, make connections, make the cause more known and know that someone out there will benefit from the hard work I’m doing, even if it’s not during my lifetime or when I’ll be able to see it. It’s challenging, believe me Im there with that feeling on many occasions, but know in your heart that you’re making a difference just from simply trying & doing your job everyday!
This is a great piece, Raeeka. Disappointment is such a tough thing to handle, and it seems to pop up in daily life so much that we are constantly dealing with it. Your 4 steps are very helpful, and I completely agree with #1… when things are uncomfortable, we want to push them away rather than just sit and experience them. That’s human nature, as you said. I am constantly working on that step myself!
One thing I read (I think in the book “Feeling Good” by David Burns) about disappointment really stuck with me–never use the word ‘should’. By using/thinking that word, we are projecting our own storylines and creating imaginary situations which might or might not happen. Basically you can’t expect anything from anyone, because life just doesn’t work that way. I personally have found that having that mindset (expecting that people should act a certain way because I’ve done A, B & C) is one of my main sources for constant disappointment. Now it’s been so much easier for me to just let go of that. If I send someone a birthday card, I am never disappointed when they don’t reciprocate. I don’t expect someone to thank me when I make a kind gesture. I don’t judge someone when I ask them to attend an event or do something for me and they say they can’t, or even if they say they can and then don’t do it anyway. I am not excusing bad behaviour, and I make note of it for future interactions, but I am open to every possibility that comes from any situation in my life.
Of course, I am human and this concept is a work in progress so it’s not as easy for me as I make it sound here, but keeping this in mind has truly helped my perspective. I am the kind of person who always lives by the rules and constantly gets frustrated/disappointed when other people don’t. I especially have a hard time with bad drivers who ignore all the rules and drive where they want as fast as they want and how they want… but thinking about how I can’t expect anyone else to approach life like I do helps me let go of how I feel they “should” drive and just accept that there are people like this and it doesn’t have anything to do with me. I am also forgiving with myself and try to accept that I am learning and growing and mistakes are inevitable. If I am able to stay true to my authentic self, being perfect doesn’t matter and can I accept myself “as is” in this moment, mistakes and all.
Good post, I was actually disappointed in someone just this morning. Someone whom I am trying not to expect too much from to begin with at this time. Right now I am still in the midst of feeling it, I know I will let go sometime later today. I do hope that if I continue to be disappointed in this person that at some point when it happens, I will just accept it and let it go much quicker, because I do not want it to be something that I think about all day. I guess that is where being open-hearted comes in. But right now, today, I’m just not quite there, and that’s okay.
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Everyone has values…its the checking in with them on a regular basis that makes all the difference…and often that is the hardest part
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FANTASTIC article! This really spoke to me and helps me to understand some feelings I recently went through…thanks you for the great tips and understanding! 🙂
Just came across this post. This has been a lifelong issue and something I’ve always had trouble letting go of. Sometimes the memories and feelings are just so strong and I don’t know how to release them, especially when the person is no longer in my life so that I can understand why they did it. I’m going to try to apply these four steps. Thank you!
[…] a huge disappointment, fear of failure disappears. Once you hit a major low, you realize that any action you take must […]
This is very helpful to me in putting perspective on a recent situation in my life. Thank you. You have made an enormous impact. I have shared this with several friends.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This post helped me get some perspective. 😀
Thank you so much! I got stood up tonight and I really didn’t expect the person to be capable of doing something so hurtful towards me. I really thought he cared about my feelings enough to at least tell me he wasn’t coming but he didn’t even have the decency to do that, hence my disappointment, but your post has showed me that it is okay and normal to feel this way and that instead of wallowing in my own self pity, I can chose to remember that this is just a natural part of life and realize that although this will happen again, each time I will be stronger.
Amazing writing!!! Thank you!!!! You’re terrific. I wish you were my bff or something 🙂
This post is a great “lift me upper”, sometimes when we are faced with disappointment, the best remedy is to acknoweldge the emotion.
I spent thousands of dollars on driving practice but failed the test. Already in debt, i have to fork out another few thousand to learn again. The feeling of disappointment is beyond belief. I hope this article could help me heal..
Thank u……these steps help a lot….i appreciate the messages…..thank u again it really helped me with an issue that ive had for a long time;)
I didnt get the lead character in my school play.It really hurts because the girl i really dont like got the part.
Thank you this really helped. I just went for a dance audition and didn’t get it but my friends did. This page made it a little bit easier.
Thank you so much for this. I to want to live my life with an open heart, and be able to forgive others easily. although i am finding it hard right now, your piece has really helped me and given me a new perspective. thank you again 🙂
Thank you for this article. I am currently experiencing disappointment and wanted a different perspective. All of this is helping me and I feel lighter because of it. Thank you.
Its Christmas. A day for family, love, and reflection. Once again I experience immeasurable disappointment from those around me. Thanks for your insight, I hope it comes in handy…tomorrow.
Thanks so much for posting this. I’m dealing with a disappointment that might seem a little silly to most – I missed out on a lovely vintage item at an antiques shop that I really wanted, but figured I could find something similar online. However, when I went to search for it, I found out that the item I was looking for was very rare, and the prices were ridiculous. I could have had a very expensive item for cheap, but I passed it up and now I have no way of going back. I’ve never felt so disappointed about saying “no” to a purchase in my life. I feel a lot of regret and sadness about this. I hope it passes soon.
nice article . full of wise perspective and a great help!
Thank you