“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson
Some people say there’s no such thing as a selfless act—that any time we do something to help another person, we get something in return, even if it’s just a warm fuzzy feeling.
I’ve spent a lot of time playing with this idea in my head. It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What give me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly.”
We’ve all been there. You cover for your coworker because you know you’ll need her assistance next month. You give your sister $20, and then silently look for ways she can pay you back, even if not monetarily. You help your friend get leads for a job, and then feel angry when she isn’t as proactive in offering you support.
I’ve found that these expectations cause more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes me feel slightly guilty; they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships.
Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. The answer I find most acceptable, cheesy as it may sound, is to feel good and show love. Strangely, when I release the need to control what I get for giving, I get enough, somehow.
I’ve made a list of twenty things you can do to show you care, without needing the recipient to return the kindness—twenty ways giving is its own reward. Maybe some of these will resonate with you. Or perhaps you’ll want to write your own list to spur the spirit of giving without expectations. (Although I’ve written you, these are things I try to do.)
1. Give money you can spare to someone who needs it and then pretend you never had it.
2. Let someone tell a story without feeling the need to one-up them or tell your own.
3. Let someone vent, even if you can’t offer a solution, just to be an ear—without considering how well they listened to you last week.
4. Help someone who is struggling with difficult feelings by admitting you’ve felt the same thing—without considering whether they’d be as open with you.
5. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then let it go after following through.
6. Tell someone how you feel about them, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, just to let them know they’re loved and not alone.
7. Apologize when you’ve acted selfishly, even if you don’t like feeling wrong, because it will remind the other person they deserve to be treated with respect.
8. Let someone else educate you, even if you’re tempted to stay closed minded, because you value their knowledge and appreciate their willingness to share it.
9. Forgive someone who wronged you because you have compassion for them, not because you know they’ll owe you.
10. Hold someone’s hand when they feel vulnerable to let them know you haven’t judged them.
11. Give your full attention to the person in front of you when you’re tempted to let your thoughts wander just to show them their words are valuable.
12. Assume the best when you’re tempted to suspect someone for no valid reason—even if they haven’t always given you the benefit of the doubt.
13. Accompany someone to an appointment or drive them to an interview when they need support just to help them feel strong.
14. Change your plans for someone you love if yours weren’t too important without questioning whether they’d do the same for you.
15. Teach someone how to do something without taking a superior position because they’ve likely taught you many things, whether they were obvious or not.
16. Leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s blog, not to build your readership but rather to show them how they affected you.
17. Tell someone you believe in their potential, even if they haven’t always shown you the same support.
18. Say no when it would make you feel good to say yes, because sometimes being kind means pushing someone to step up and try harder.
19. Tell someone you know they meant well instead of using their mistake as an opportunity to manipulate their guilt.
20. I’ve left this one open for you to write. How do you give just to show you care?
Let’s face it: none of us is always kind. Human nature dictates we’ll act with one eye on what’s in it for us, at least occasionally. And I think that’s okay, as long as we make an effort whenever possible to do good for the sake of it.
Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to, and then ask for things directly when you want them. People who care about you will be there for you in return.

About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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“16. Leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s blog, not to build your readership but rather to show them how they affected you.”
There is one blog I love to read where I cannot read the comments because they all feel life self-advertising to me. It makes me unhappy to see people using others like that. Especially on a blog whose author is trying to help others. Thank you for understanding that.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by worthingshiatsu: 20 Ways to Give Without Expectations | tinybuddha.com http://ow.ly/JrA1…
13. Accompany someone to an appointment or interview
Doctor's appointments, attorney's appointments, driving tests, okay, but don't accompany someone to a job interview. It comes across as immature and unprofessional to potential employers. The only exception is if you are interviewing in someone's home for a domestic position or something like that, in which case you may want to bring someone along for security reasons.
LOL agreed! I didn't necessarily mean job interviews; I will clarify in the post. Thank you for the note.
I've noticed this trend, as well. When I had my first online writing job, my employer instructed me to leave comments on related blogs with links to posts I'd written. At the time it seemed perfectly fine since my boss told me to do it.
One blogger wrote us a strongly worded letter, and I realized the full impact of what I was doing. Now that I blog independently, I make sure to only comment when I have something to say. It's great to get exposure, but there are other ways to do that.
Thanks for your post.
Let me know how to embody His words – “Give Without Expectation.”
Thank you for this..
Currently reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” and this quote seemed appropriate:
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return–if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. -Dale Carnegie
A parent dying for their child is a truly selfless act.
Our veterans, regardless of their intentions or the motives of the government, risk their lives in difficult service to our country. There are expectations and compensation but all of this is secondary to the fact they could die and reap no rewards.
I pray for someone UNTIL i see the blessing in that person's life
i usually give on the spur of the moment,i might later think,”oh wow,i shouldnt have done that”,or “i couldnt afford that”,but i usually end up laughing it off.
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You're most welcome =)
Those are certainly selfless acts. Most of us don't have reasons to make such weighty decision in our everyday lives; but I think it's still possible to give selflessly, in small ways throughout the day. What does that look like for you?
I know what you mean. I often give more than I probably should. But then I wonder what that should's all about. As long as I have my needs met, is that should really an issue?
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I found your blog though http://www.enlightenedhorsemanship.net/2009/12/…
And I'm glad that I did. Your list is an excellent one with the subtle details made clear. Selfless service or Sewa is a central part of my faith and one that people sometimes misinterpret, on both the giving and receiving ends. Thanks.
I'm glad you've found the site, and hope you'll find some other posts you'll enjoy. I love the readers and contributors here–all mindful, giving people =)
[…] 20 Ways to Give Without Expectations […]
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I'm glad you've found the site, and hope you'll find some other posts you'll enjoy. I love the readers and contributors here–all mindful, giving people =)
[…] Offer to help someone else. Sometimes it’s the best way to help yourself, and not just for the warm fuzzy feeling it […]
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I had to subscribe just because of this article – great advice!!
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Great article,keep up the good work,you are one of the few sites i _always_ check when i go online!
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I'm so glad you enjoy it! =)
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I am a 15 year old Christian girl and I check this website every day. Especially your articles, Lori. Whether it’s the topics you write about that are totally applicable to my life, or you are just an amazing writer, your articles always really touch me and I know they have changed me. I made paintings and posters with content from your articles in them and I hung them around my room and I am constantly reminded to slow down and appreciate everything. Thank you Lori.
I’m so glad this site helps you C. H. I also need reminders to slow down and appreciate everything, but I think it’s easier when we remember we are not alone. We all deal with the same things, and we can all grow together. =)
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