Tiny Buddha

Tag: worthy

  • You Are Worthy Regardless of What You Achieve

    You Are Worthy Regardless of What You Achieve

    Woman Looking Up to the Sky

    “Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.” ~Albert Einstein

    I am pathetic. I am a walking, talking cliché (well, maybe not walking—I use an electric wheelchair).

    I am one of those people who is so desperate to overcome their own sense of lack that they create some giant obstacle to overcome, or some massive achievement to attain, in order to feel that they might just be worth something.

    I am an over-compensator, so desperate to feel okay about the fact that I am, in some ways, not as capable as other people that I seek to achieve the impossible—purely to show the whole world, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am enough.

    The great irony, of course,  when you do this is that the only one you’re really trying to please is yourself. You’re just afraid that you aren’t worthy, so you seek to prove that you are, through your achievements. It doesn’t work. Everybody can see what you’re trying to do.

    Your desire to achieve is fine, but it’s silly and fruitless to pin your self-worth on it.

    You might wonder why I’m being so down on myself. And the truth is, I’m just being honest. This is how I operated until recently. It’s part of personal growth, something we have to go through before we begin to realize the deeper truths about life.

    No grand achievement will fill any emotional hole in me. It just won’t. The more I hope it will, the less likely I am to achieve it. It makes a man (or woman) weak and pathetic to be reliant on achievement for his sense of self because ultimately, he’s giving over his power to things he can’t control.

    Rather than move me toward my goals, all the hoping, struggling, wishing, and trying to improve myself only seemed to make the hamster wheel spin faster.

    In actuality, it was just teaching me how to have control over myself. I learned that in order to try and get the things I was so desperate to have, I had to do things that were against my nature and control my emotional state.

    I had to fight to turn lethargy into energy, anger into desire, or boredom into enthusiasm instead of embracing my feelings and allowing myself space to explore them. It works, but it’s exhausting. Not quite as exhausting, however, as actually trying to do things.

    Forcing yourself to get up for the alarm, to work toward the goal that you desperately ‘need’ to feel worthy or complete, and yet makes you incredibly anxious and miserable, is one of the hardest and most trialling things you’ll ever do. And I’ve experienced a lot of trials. The better you get at it, the more stupid it seems, because you just get more miserable.

    You become a slave to your goals and desires. A robot. A cog in a machine of your own making. At least if I was just going to work for somebody else I’d be paid to work in a machine I wasn’t responsible for. Being a slave to the machine of your own dreams and ambitions is like being the owner, repairman, operator, and cog all in one. It’s impossible.

    Eventually you start to wonder: “Hang on, I thought this was supposed to make me free. And happy. Not a slave.” You’re right. That’s what it was meant to do. But it never could. You’re asking for the impossible.

    Dreams and ambitions are wonderful. They bring fire to your belly, light to the distant future, and meaning to your miserable failings. That’s all it does, though. It doesn’t change your present moment. It doesn’t change the reality. Right. Now.

    On my journey in life so far, I’ve experienced three distinct phases, each of which has taught me an important lesson.

    The Leaf in the Wind Phase

    I am just one little leaf being blown around in the giant storm of life, and my only real power is to observe and absorb the world around me. I have to accept the good with the bad as well as my place in the world. However, this left me feeling like a passive observer.

    Self-Improvement

    I discovered the power of self-direction, that I could change my beliefs, habits, and desires through effort. I could teach myself things, and direct my life toward that which caught my eye.

    I gained an incredible, if misguided, sense of control over my future and started to believe I could literally control my destiny. Even when this led to success, I became more and more like an automaton—a slave to the habits and beliefs necessary to achieve the goals that I believed would make me worthy.

    Waking Up

    I realized using my self-improvement as a measure of my self-worth was a bit obnoxious, not to mention futile. Even if I got what I wanted, there would always be something bigger and better to measure myself by; I’d never be enough.

    Waking up involves discovering that you don’t need to change who you are; you are enough, just as you are. That doesn’t mean you can’t pursue change. You just do the things you have to do, step by step, without any attachment to a particular outcome. That’s it. You simply act.

    You start to like yourself, primarily because you get to know yourself. And you find that actually, you were pretty cool all along.

    The irony is, the outcomes we become attached to prevent us from ever getting what we really seek. Nobody wants to be rich or famous; they want to be significant and connected to other people. Those things come as a result of your process, the actions you take every day, not the outcomes we tie our self-worth to.

    The biggest part of ‘waking up’ for me was realizing that my obsession with audacious goals was my way of avoiding the real changes I needed to make, which were broadly around learning to like myself.

    Now that I’ve made some of those changes, my goals are less important to me and simultaneously more likely to come to fruition. All because I want to achieve my goals, I don’t need them to feel worthy or complete.

    I no longer feel that I have to change who I am to get what I want, which means I no longer repress my feelings. If I’m feeling moody, sad, or lazy, I embrace that and give myself a break instead of telling myself I’m wrong to feel how I feel.

    I’ve learned that we don’t need to control everything around us. We couldn’t even if we wanted to. There is only now. This very second is all we have, and will ever have.

    You can have goals, that’s fine, you can work toward them, that’s also fine, but to tie yourself up in a tight knot of stress and mental chatter is just a recipe for misery.

    Waking up begins when you realize that you don’t need to achieve anything specific to be worthy, happy, or at peace.

    Woman looking up to the sky image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Beliefs That Hurt Your Relationships (And How to Let Them Go)

    5 Beliefs That Hurt Your Relationships (And How to Let Them Go)

    Couple with Arms Raised

    “Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy.” ~Tony Robbins

    “I’m not great at relationships.” This is something I used to say all the time, to others and myself.

    I’d had quite a few unhealthy friendships that ended in dramatic showdowns when our combined issues proved toxic.

    My romantic relationships weren’t any less volatile—largely because my deep-seated shame affected the type of men I attracted and compromised my ability to be there, with and for others.

    But even after making significant progress with my insecurities and working through some painful experiences from my past, I realized I still felt terrified of somehow messing up relationships.

    As much as I wanted to believe the future could be different from the past—that I could be different—I couldn’t let go of that one sentence: I’m not great at relationships.

    I had to challenge my beliefs about myself, and I also needed to recognize and unload my subconscious self-judgment. Because when I said, “I’m not great at relationships,” I wasn’t making an objective observation. The unspoken ending to that sentence reads, “…and it’s because I’m lacking as a person.”

    I needed to believe I was worthy of healthy connections, and capable of forming and sustaining them, even if I’d struggled in the past. Otherwise, I’d never allow myself to let my guard down, let others in, and then, freed from the burden of my own defenses, show up fully for them.

    Over the years, I’ve identified countless limiting beliefs like these, and I’ve seen tremendous improvements in my relationships by releasing their grip on me.

    We all have beliefs like this, and they can compromise our ability to show up for the people we love if we don’t acknowledge them and proactively work to let them go. Perhaps you’ll recognize some of these tendencies and beliefs in yourself:

    1. COMPARISONS: If someone appears to be doing better than me in some area of their life, that means I’m less than—and I have to catch up to prove that I’m worthy.

    We all want to feel happy for the people we love, and we want them to feel happy for us when we’re doing well. This can be challenging, though, if we allow comparisons to convince us we’re somehow behind and therefore inferior or inadequate.

    The solution? Work on nurturing a sense of self-worth that has nothing to do with what we achieve. Every last one of us will experience highs and lows on our journey. Sometimes we’ll thrive when friends struggle, and vice versa, and sometimes we’ll thrive at the same time.

    If we can work at valuing our efforts and ourselves regardless of the outcome, we’ll be better prepared for the inevitable lows, less attached to the highs, and more supportive of our loved ones—regardless of where they are in their journey.

    2. SCORE KEEPING: If I don’t get exactly what I give, someone is devaluing and disrespecting me, so things always need to be even.

    Nothing suffocates a relationship like keeping score. It communicates to the other person, “I suspect you’ll cheat me if I don’t keep track and remind you when you’ve fallen short.”

    I’m not suggesting we give and give without regard for receiving. The key is to create an atmosphere of caring and generosity by giving without always expecting reciprocation, and then trusting that you’ll receive that same courtesy.

    It’s about creating a team mindset and recognizing that we all have different strengths, and we all give in different ways.

    I may do more laundry than my fiancé, but he’s an excellent cook. We each contribute in our own way, in all aspects of our relationship. (Keep in mind this isn’t always the case. If you always give and never receive—despite communicating your wants and needs—you may want to rethink that relationship.)

    3. ASSUMPTIONS: I know why people do the things they do, and they often have selfish or hurtful intentions.

    Formerly, I assumed the worst of everyone. If someone hurt me, they meant to. If someone did something I didn’t understand, they were selfish and thoughtless. Primed as I was with these cynical beliefs, I frequently brought out the worst in people.

    That’s often what happens when you guard yourself with these kinds of assumptions; people guard themselves in return, and seem to confirm your fears.

    The truth is we can never know why other people do the things they do unless we ask—and then trust the answer. More often than not, people are doing their best, just like we are, and would never intentionally hurt us.

    Stephen Covey wrote, “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” If we assumed that other people have positive intentions, we’d all judge each other a lot less, and feel better about each other, and ourselves, as a result.

    4. EXPECTATIONS: If someone doesn’t meet my expectations, that means they don’t care or value me, or intended to hurt me.

    It happens all the time: We expect a certain outcome, or response, and then we feel disappointed and disrespected when things don’t go according to plan.

    Things rarely, if ever, go to plan. Even when we communicate our wants and needs, it’s entirely possible that someone else may fall short—because they’re imperfect, just like us, and dealing with their own challenges.

    I’m not suggesting we don’t expect anything of anyone, but rather that we try our best to recognize and appreciate what people do “right” instead of maintaining a list of all the things we think they’ve done “wrong.”

    Think back to when you were young. What would have motivated and empowered you more: being praised for your efforts, or being chastised for your shortcomings? The same holds true in adult relationships.

    5. BITTERNESS: I can’t let go of what hurt me because that would be letting that person off the hook.

    For years when I was younger I tried to maintain a relationship with someone while holding on to anger and bitterness. As a result, I unknowingly made this person “pay” for their lack of compassion in the past by treating them without compassion in the present.

    Not only was I not “being the change I wished to see,” as Gandhi recommended, I was losing self-respect by becoming the very thing I’d condemned.

    Eventually, I realized I needed to make a choice: I could let go and recreate the relationship anew, or let go and move on—but it was no longer an option to hold on to both the person and my bitterness.

    I chose the former, aided by the belief that hurt people, hurt people—and conversely, healed people, heal people.

    Forgiveness may be “letting someone off the hook,” but that doesn’t mean we deserved whatever happened, or that it was okay. It simply means we’ve accepted it, and chosen to grow through it.

    Nothing could be healthier for our relationships, with others and with ourselves.

    —

    Obviously, this is all a lot easier to neatly summarize in a list than it is to regularly apply. But we don’t need to tackle all of these beliefs all at once. We just need to try our best, each day, to recognize when we’re getting caught up in one of these limiting beliefs.

    Even the tiniest bit of progress can make a huge difference, so give yourself credit for every small shift you make and then watch as they all add up.

    This article first appeared in Best Self Magazine, the digital magazine for the next generation of seekers and doers. Couple silhouette via Shutterstock.

  • How to Regain Confidence After Someone Puts You Down

    How to Regain Confidence After Someone Puts You Down

    Sad man

    “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” ~Maya Angelou 

    Have you ever been the recipient of put-downs, snide remarks, or hostile language?

    If you have, your confidence may have suffered a significant nosedive.

    I once attended a summer music camp for young musicians. I was studying the piano and enjoyed playing classical music, but I always had a deep fear of performing in front of others, especially other highly skilled musicians.

    Desiring to overcome this crippling fear, I decided to audition for an upcoming recital. To my surprise, the audition went smoothly, and I qualified to play in the recital.

    Though my performance was far from flawless due to my overwhelming anxiety, I was proud of how I’d faced my fears and completed my performance despite some significant slips.

    Some days later, a faculty member asked me to be a page-turner for him for the next recital. I agreed to do so. After that recital, a fellow student approached me afterward and said:

    “You page-turn way better than you play.”

    After the initial shock had worn off, I tried to brush off the comment. But the voice in my head was swirling with all kinds of thoughts like, “Serves me right for trying to play in the big leagues,” and, “She’s probably right because she is a much better pianist than I am.”

    Her biting words festered in me for weeks and months after the camp was over. I’d lost whatever little confidence I had in my ability to play in public. I’d lost confidence in myself, period. I felt helpless and eventually wanted to quit playing.

    However, with time and perspective, my confidence slowly returned. And after some reflection, I realized that we can take effective steps to mitigate the damage in the face of significant put-downs:

    1. Acknowledge your feelings.

    After the incident, I experienced a series of emotions. My initial surprise turned to anger, which then turned to shame. As I tried to deny the emotions I was feeling, they grew stronger and began to manifest in unexpected and destructive ways.

    My first step back on the path to confidence was to acknowledge the emotions I was feeling. Doing so allowed me to observe them rather than be swept away by them.

    If you’re struggling with difficult emotions after a put-down, acknowledge the feelings. Allow them to pass through you without resisting or attaching yourself to them, always remembering this simple truth: you are not your emotions.

    2. Contain the damage.

    When we’re put-down, our confidence suffers because we over-generalize and make faulty conclusions about ourselves using the internalized negativity of others.

    Regaining my own confidence meant replacing my initial conclusion of “I am a bad pianist” with “I performed that day to the best of my ability.”

    If you’re put down or criticized, confine your feelings about the criticism to the action being criticized rather than making it about you. Do this even when the criticism feels like a personal attack.

    In fact, the more personal the put-down, the greater the likelihood that the incident is more about the other person’s insecurities than it is about you.

    3. Focus on the positive.

    Put-downs can make us feel small.

    Sometimes, they can feel like a powerful vortex sucking you down or like a powerful ocean current that sweeps you under water. It’s tempting to feel like you have no control over how you feel when you’re caught in a hostile situation.

    But you do have power. You can choose to focus on the positive.

    In my situation, this meant choosing not to focus on how small the comment “made” me feel. Instead, I chose to focus on how I was willing to put myself out there and fail in order to grow.

    When you decide to choose your attitude, you’ll create an emotional shield that can withstand any insult. Why? Because you’ll understand the powerful truth that it’s not the put-down that makes or breaks your confidence; it’s how you choose to think and feel about it.

    4. Realize that your worth is intrinsic.

    We all struggle with the tendency to tie our worth to our abilities and the opinions of others. We let our sense of worthiness depend on performance—on the job, at home, and even when we’re just hanging out with friends.

    We exhaust ourselves by constantly trying to measure up to implicit or explicit standards and expectations. But the sense of self-worth we so desperately seek outside of ourselves already resides within us.

    Because I couldn’t play the piano like the person who was judging me, I felt unworthy and useless—despite how well I played. But I’ve learned that my worthiness does not come from my ability as a pianist. My worth is intrinsic to who I am as a human being.

    It cannot be bought or earned, but simply uncovered.

    You do not have to wait to be accomplished in the eyes of others to feel worthy. You can choose to feel worthy right now.

    5. Forgive and let go.

    When someone hurts you deeply with their words, the last thing on your mind at that moment is forgiveness. But your willingness to forgive and let go will lift your spirit and restore your confidence in yourself and others.

    My path back to self-confidence meant forgiving the person who made the careless and hurtful remark to me. This doesn’t mean that I tried to become her friend, or pretended the incident never happened, or demanded she apologize.

    It just meant that I chose to stop holding on to my negative feelings toward her and let them pass through me.

    It meant forgiving myself for allowing the experience to control my life for a time. It meant giving up the comfort and safety of self-loathing that gave me permission to avoid the pain, but also the payoff, of personal growth.

    What past insults are you clinging to right now? Trust that you won’t fall into the abyss if you let them go.

    You Alone Are Enough

    Are you willing to give up years, even decades, of joyful and confident living over mean-spirited remarks?

    Are you willing to believe the lies others tell you so that they can feel better about themselves?

    Are you willing to play small rather than rise to every occasion?

    I didn’t think so.

    Refuse to believe the voices that say you are not intelligent enough, beautiful enough, or worthy enough.

    Because you alone are enough. And only you have the power to bring that realization to life.

    Sad man image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Should All Stop Trying to Be Good Enough

    Why We Should All Stop Trying to Be Good Enough

    Man Sitting Under Tree

    “Only something as insane as human beings would ever asked themselves if ‘I’m good.’ You don’t find oak trees having existential crisis. ‘I feel so rotten about myself. I don’t produce as much acorns as the one next to me.’” ~Adyashanti

    The feeling of not being good enough is widespread among the population regardless of age or social status. Even people who, from society’s standards, are highly successful may very well feel they are not good enough and that something is missing.

    For most of my life, I suffered from that feeling of not being good enough.

    When I joined a master’s degree program a year and half ago, I was shocked to see how smart some students in my class were. I was surrounded by people who had more work experience than me and were way more confident than I was.

    Sometimes I felt stupid in their presence. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find a way to contribute in class. Never befor had I felt such a deep sense of not being good enough.

    Achieving, learning, or experiencing more never seemed enough to fix my issue. I started to seriously question whether anything I would accomplish could ever help me feel “good enough.”

    I perfectly understood that there would always be people around me that are more confident, more attractive, smarter, richer, or more knowledgeable than I am, but this still didn’t make me feel better.

    Since I always felt that my duty was to contribute to society, feeling that I couldn’t contribute as much as I would like to made it difficult for me to maintain a healthy self-esteem.

    When it comes to self-worth, experts generally recommend using positive affirmations, learning to be more self-compassionate, or achieving small goals to create momentum and build confidence.

    These techniques are certainly good ways to build self-esteem, and I used them personally with some success. However, it’s likely that they might be missing the point.

    Rather than “How can I feel good enough?” wouldn’t a better question be: “Do I need to feel good enough?” or “Is it actually possible not to be good enough?”

    Most people spend their life trying to be good enough, to be liked and appreciated, often without actually succeeding to fill a void within themselves. It’s insane to see how everyone tries so hard to be “somebody.”

    I started wondering if, during all that time I spent trying to be good enough, I wasn’t actually fighting the wrong battle.

    Our society conditions people to tie up their self-worth to how much they “contribute,” and that supposed “contribution” often refers to the amount of money we earn or our social status. Society creates an artificial duality between “successful” people and others.

    Nowadays, the idea of success is a constant obsession. Media and personal development websites are continually talking about what more can be done to become more successful. Success has become the Holy Grail to pursue, the only path to living a life worth living and earning recognition from society.

    However, I could easily come up with names of people that are regarded as “successful” from society’s standards, but are not from an objective point of view.

    Interestingly, the definition of success is rarely explained. It seems as if we have all agreed with society’s definition. There appears to be very little space to question it; however, could the assumption under which we operate our life actually be false?

    To be honest, this whole idea of good enough or not good enough is nonsense. I’m sure the doctor didn’t tell your parents when you were born that, “I’m sorry, but your son won’t be good enough.”

    The entire paradigm of “good enough or not good enough” comes from the misconception that we need to become “somebody” and that other people have the power to determine our self-worth.

    It is a mere product of social conditioning, not of reality, and it certainly doesn’t have to be that way!

    Depending on your belief or reasoning, you could spend your entire life just meditating under a tree, doing absolutely nothing, and you would still be totally relevant as a human being.

    So why don’t we get rid of that concept once and for all, discard it as irrelevant, and rebuild our life on a healthier assumption?

    Being a total “failure” under society’s standards can never ever make you a failure as a human being. Nothing can turn you into a not-good-enough person without your consent, without you buying into the current fallacious assumption that society is telling you to live under.

    Sure, you might have failed at many of the things you’ve tried and some of your friends might be more “successful” than you are, but then, does that mean you are not good enough? Does that really mean you are not worthy?

    If you buy into society’s expectations, yes, probably. If you don’t, the question then cannot be answered, because it’s irrelevant!

    A tree doesn’t have self-esteem issues. A bird doesn’t ask itself, “Am I good enough?” Why should you?

    Are your attempts to become somebody actually working? If not, it might be time for you to stop trying to be “somebody” and just relax.

    Imagine the sense of freedom that you would experience if you were to stop trying to be “good enough.” Suddenly, the burden you’ve being carrying on your shoulders would become lighter.

    You could then enjoy your time with others without trying to impress them. You’d be able to free up your energy for more creative purposes. Suddenly, you could just be yourself.

    The greatest and wisest spiritual teachers of all time stopped trying to be somebody because they realized that it was not possible. If after all those years of inquiry and self-reflection they came to that conclusion, is it possible that they were on to something?

    So do you really need to be good enough? Are you fighting the right battle? This is something you might want to meditate on. It might require some time before you can change your former conception, but isn’t it worth trying?

    Personally, I chose to fight less and to progressively distance myself from the battlefield. I’m not “not good enough” or “good enough.” I am just who I am and that’s more than enough!

    Man sitting under tree image via Shutterstock

  • You Deserve to Be Happy Now, Not Just When You Reach Your Goal

    You Deserve to Be Happy Now, Not Just When You Reach Your Goal

    “We cannot achieve more in life than what we believe in our heart of hearts we deserve to have.” ~James R. Ball

    I was a binge eater. At night. Every night. No one would ever have guessed it because I was at a healthy weight. But I believed that my weight was too high a number, so I would try to fix it.

    Each morning I would start afresh and eat like a svelte, sexy mouse. I vowed that this time would be different. But each night, to fill the voids I didn’t know were there, I would eat. And eat. And eat.

    What helped me get off that hungry, helpless cycle? A dress.

    When I was swinging wildly between under and overeating I did not buy clothes. Why bother when I would be smaller in a couple of weeks? I would be better. No point wasting money on clothes that would be too big on my soon-to-be-lithe frame.

    Years went by and my body shape was still no different. I still had a wardrobe filled with ill-fitting and ill-feeling clothing. I was still no better.

    Hiding behind the seemingly practical idea of not wasting money was the belief that I was undeserving.

    I did not deserve to clothe a figure I deemed too large. I did not deserve to move my body in ways that felt good (unless it was going to tone and tighten). I did not deserve to eat high quality food. I did not deserve my own love. And I definitely did not deserve to be loved by another.

    After years of weight loss attempts and willing the binge eating to stop, I was tired of the struggle. I decided to stop focusing on the scale numbers and start focusing on learning to eat normally. To eat without the restriction, the rebellion, and the inevitable guilt. I wanted to be free.

    The desire to feel sane around food trumped my desire to be thin. I put the pursuit of skinniness on hold. I realized that meant my body might not shrink. That the numbers on the labels of clothes I fit in may never decrease again.

    My previous excuses for not buying clothes didn’t apply now. I would have to dress my figure as it was. So I went out and brought a dress that fit my current body.

    That small act gave me some proof that maybe I didn’t have to wait until I was skinny to have nice clothing. Maybe all those things I had been putting off, I could do right then, at that weight, at any weight!

    I slowly gathered more proof. That party I didn’t want to attend because I deduced from the guest list I might be the biggest one there—I went.

    The walks I enjoyed but put off because I didn’t see the point when it wasn’t going to burn off enough calories—I walked anyway.

    The perfect, but expensive foundation I wouldn’t buy until my cheeks lost some chub—I bought it.

    I was dieting (and falling off the wagon via whole loaves of bread) to lose weight. And I was trying to lose weight so I could be confident and happy and could do the things I enjoyed. By doing those things and creating those feelings in spite of my weight, I cut out the middle steps.

    I realized that, instead of going from diet to weight loss to happy, I could go straight to happy.

    I showed myself that feeling confident and beautiful was not a luxury afforded only to those with bodies deemed perfect by our society. I realized that I deserved to feel good. No conditions. No weight restrictions. And that set me free.

    Make your list.

    Where do you hold back on what you deserve? Make a list of all the things you have been putting off until you lose weight (or achieve another goal). What would you do differently once you reach your goal? How would you live your life? What kind of things does that future person do each day?

    Start small and take action.

    Look at your list and pick at least one thing to do today. To get momentum going, start with whatever is easiest and fastest to implement. Do it immediately.

    By doing something small and simple, you’ll begin expanding your beliefs of what is possible for you right now. Instead of just thinking you might be able to do those things, you’ll prove to yourself that you can do them, regardless of how close you are to your goal.

    Some of the items on your list may seem too difficult or impossible. Break them down into smaller steps.

    For example, if you are putting off swimming until you lose weight, maybe you could go sun hat shopping, or try on some swim suits, or walk barefoot on the beach and feel how lovely it is to have your feet in cool sand and salt water.

    This should be a list of things to make you feel good. If a step still feels too scary or hard, break it down further.

    Keep going.

    Keep your list handy. Whenever you have a “once I reach my goal” thought, add the action you are putting off to your list. Each day, pick another item from your list to carry out.

    Doing things to make you feel good now doesn’t mean you will never reach your body or life goals. It just means you don’t have postpone your joy. And in these short and unpredictable lives we live, joy is too important to wait for.

  • 10 Steps to Access Your Goodness and Change Your Life

    10 Steps to Access Your Goodness and Change Your Life

    Man with Arms Up

    “Goodness is the only investment that never fails.” ~Henry David Thoreau 

    A few years ago I found myself on the floor of my apartment with a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, feeling miserable.

    In fact, I had felt that way for a while. My four-year relationship had collapsed, work was losing its meaning, and I felt deeply misunderstood, unloved, and lonely. Money was tight; I was overweight, lethargic, and confused; and my future seemed blurry.

    But then, something changed.

    I decided to shift my perspective and see what my life would be like if I stopped beating myself up over “not being good enough” and accepted who I was.

    I made a decision that I am good and committed to testing this theory out. And it worked!

    Since years of self-rejection didn’t do much for me, I had nothing to lose. My decision to accept my own goodness transformed the way I saw and lived life. People were no longer threatening and challenges became opportunities.

    For example, when I didn’t get into the grad school of my choice, instead of thinking of myself as unworthy, I decided to view it as a sign that I was meant to do something slightly different. (Years later this proved to be true, and I am so glad that things did not pan out as expected.)

    I also moved away from victimization to acceptance. I focused on taking care of myself. Instead of beating myself up over missed deadlines or unachieved goals, I intentionally paid attention to all that I did achieve every day.

    I meditated and gave myself enough sleep, quality food, and exercise. I stopped watching a lot of TV and read more. I also expressed gratitude and shared company with people who enriched my life and reinforced my goodness.

    Since then, my life has transformed and happiness has prevailed. As a result, I have become a better partner, friend, and leader, and a more thoughtful human being.

    I also began wondering what the world would look like if we all had an opportunity to accept, embrace, and live out our own goodness. Can we all get there? The answer is a resounding yes! And here are some steps to do it.

    1. Choose goodness.

    Make a decision that you are fundamentally good, and commit to it. This sounds hard, especially if you spent most of your life feeing the opposite. Start by saying several times out loud “I am good.”

    The voice inside your head may disagree, but remember: the voice you hear is not you; the being that hears the voice is you. So, quiet the voice by asking, “Why not?” Then, play a movie of your life and see if you can find a single example of your goodness.

    Even if your emotions don’t agree, use your intellect and then practice this exercise daily. Your emotions will catch up. Just like with building muscles, it takes time, but this exercise does work.

    2. Understand goodness.

    Being fundamentally good does not mean we won’t make mistakes. I make plenty, all the time. Being good means that we deserve good things in life, and we deserve love. With self-love, anything is possible.

    If you have a hard time with this, think of your younger, innocent self. Does that being deserve love? Or, think about yourself through the lens of someone who loves you. Why would they love you so if you weren’t worthy?

    3. Practice, practice, practice.

    Deciding that you are good is hard, but acting on that awareness is even harder. Commit to practice your goodness every single day. Catch yourself when you think negatively about yourself. Make a plan to get yourself out of unhealthy relationships or break bad habits. Treat yourself well, and demand that others do the same.

    4. Develop rituals.

    Take the time to journal, meditate, read inspirational books, pray, paint, volunteer, recite poetry, or regularly engage in any activity that will remind you and reinforce your goodness.

     5. Set up reminders.

    Soon after I made my decision, I changed my license plates to read “I AM GOOD.” I knew I would see it at least twice a day and be reminded of my newfound truth. Even on those extraordinarily busy days when you miss your rituals, these small reminders will keep you on track.

     6. Talk to people.

    Tell people about the concept of fundamental goodness. They will reaffirm its truth, or you will change their life too. In either case, the right people will support you in your quest for goodness.

     7. Live boldly.

    Give generously, love unconditionally, laugh loudly, and communicate openly. Whatever you do, give it your all. Living in such a way will reinforce your goodness.

    The paradox is that you cannot really live fully unless you believe in your own goodness. If you don’t believe in your fundamental goodness, you will constantly question your decisions, your worthiness, the quality of your contribution, and other people too.

    You are also likely to live with a lot of anxiety, which will consume you from time to time.

    By actually doing more of giving, loving, laughing, communicating, and so on, you will be reinforcing your own goodness and growing your belief in it.

    8. Dream big and dare greatly.

    When we focus on our struggles, we lose sight of the truly important things in life. On the other hand, when we dream big and dare greatly, we have no choice but to trust our goodness as we find ways to achieve our dreams and take risks.

    Now, keep in mind that taking risks and daring greatly does not mean we pursue things that might gain us approval of others; it means we seek out those things that matter the most to us.

    A lot of traditionally successful people are miserable and full of self-loathing. On the other hand, a lot of obscure people are fully content and accomplished. Dreaming big means we dream our own dreams, not those imposed by the society, our family, or someone else.

    9. Stop questioning and get busy.

    I love asking a “why” question. But don’t ask a “why” that is harmful; ask a “why” that is helpful. Don’t ask, “Why would I be good?” Ask, “Why wouldn’t I be?” And if you can’t stop questioning, make a decision and move on. Stop revisiting it.

    We’ve been conditioned to doubt ourselves. Doubt something else, but not your goodness.

     10. Be mindful.

    People often ask “How are you?” without waiting for a reply. Regardless, I love responding: “I am good!” It’s not so much for their benefit as it is for my own. The more I repeat it, the more I believe in it.

    Additionally, how I respond to this question is a good indicator of how I feel that day. My response gives me a chance to catch myself. If I say, “I’m okay” or “Not too bad,” that’s a sign something isn’t quite right and I need to evaluate what’s really happening.

    That said, being fundamentally good and accepting this goodness does not mean that we sometimes won’t feel bad, get annoyed or angry, or even lash out. Just today, I got into an argument with a good friend. We each said some hurtful things and I feel bad about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that we are both good.

    —

    Once upon a time, a Native American elder was telling his grandson a story of two wolves that live in each one of us and wage a daily struggle for dominance in our lives.

    One wolf is filled with love, joy, hope, peace, gratitude, optimism, generosity, understanding, humility, kindness, truth, faith, and compassion. The other is a reflection of bitterness, envy, anger, sorrow, guilt, greed, arrogance, self-pity, inferiority, lies, ego, selfishness, and judgment.

    Their struggle is constant, their determination to win unwavering.

    “So, which wolf wins?” asked the grandson.

    The grandfather responded, “The one you feed.”

    We all have a choice to accept our own goodness and nurture it every day. We can all embrace the best within us and choose happiness over sadness. Which wolf will you feed today?

    Joyous man image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Things to Know Before You Enter a Relationship

    5 Things to Know Before You Enter a Relationship

    Couple

    “Relationships are about two individuals who maintain their own lives and create another one together.” ~Unknown

    I’ve never been one to casually date because I believe in the storybook romance of a whimsical love that withstands all odds.

    I blame this on my parents who met as teenagers and have maintained their marriage through both triumphs and hardships. Because of this, I always believed that my first love was going to be my forever.

    However, about a year ago I had to let go of the love of my life. He was my high-school sweetheart, and as we grew up through college and started taking our own paths after that, the pressure became too great.

    We weren’t living in the same city and he was working full time, while I decided to go back to school and wait tables on the weekends. It became clear that we wanted to take different journeys with our lives.

    Also, I began to realize that I fell in love with the man I wanted him to be rather than the man he was. I’ve carried a lot of guilt about this part of the relationship. He’s truly an amazing man, but I caught myself trying to change things about him.

    It’s not fair to push your partner to be different. People have to change because they want to change, not because they feel forced to change to appease someone else.

    I’ve spent the past year trying to understand and come to terms with my decision. I know I will always carry him in my heart, but I’ve learned that even the greatest of loves shouldn’t come between me and my intuition.

    I’m now single and actively pursuing a career that will open a world of possibilities for me. I’d like to bring to my next relationship the understanding of these five things below.

    Knowing and embracing these things will allow me to have a deeper understanding of myself, which will in turn allow me to maintain a healthy relationship with someone worthy of my love.

    Five Things to Know Before Your Next Relationship

    1. Know your worth.

    Far too often we stay in relationships that are less than gratifying because we don’t value ourselves.

    A fundamental change occurs once you realize what you are worth and what you deserve from a partner. Once you start believing that you deserve something deeply fulfilling, you will never settle for anything less.

    Any effort to try and cheapen your value will be futile. The tide will have changed. Not only will you start respecting yourself, others will recognize this and respect you in return.

    2. Know how to love with an open heart.

    This is particularly difficult for me because I am so protective of my heart. It’s a defense mechanism that served me as a child, but it has hindered my ability to get close to people as an adult.

    Loving with an open heart means embracing vulnerability. It’s essentially opening yourself up to the possibility of pain in order to strive for something beautiful. It’s not easy, but we can take solace in knowing we’re in all in this together.

    We all want to be accepted and loved, and we are all terrified of heartache and pain. Once we understand this, it becomes easier to let our guard down and let others in.

    Loving with an open heart takes extraordinary courage because nothing is more challenging than stepping out of the darkness and letting yourself be seen—but it’s worth it, because nothing is more fulfilling.

    3. Know how to be compassionate.

    The ability to recognize suffering and offer compassion is vital to a mutually supportive relationship.

    We all have our own story of hardship, mistrust, and loss, as well as joy, love, and triumph. By listening with an open heart and mind, we can find commonalities in each other’s stories and foster compassion and love.

    It’s not easy to nurture compassion in an egocentric society that sees emotion as weakness. Many of us focus on our own betterment without acknowledging the people around us, and repress our feelings to avoid judgment. But we need to embrace our own feelings to be able to embrace someone else’s.

    4. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

    Recognizing and understanding our limitations enables us to work on them and find partners who will complement us.

    This can be tricky because our strengths and weaknesses are often one and the same. For example, I can be demanding, in that I am constantly trying to push my partners to be the best they can be. I place the same expectations on myself.

    This is a weakness because I place heavy demands on partners, which can lead to disappointment and resentment. It’s a strength because it has pushed me to continue on my career path and achieve goals I’ve set for myself.

    It’s perfectly okay to have qualities that are both redeeming and sometimes difficult. That’s what makes us unique. When we understand those qualities, we can both work on them and seek partners who will balance them.

    5. Know what it’s like to be alone.

    Too often we focus on romantic relationship because we fear being alone, and because it’s easier to get approval from someone else than it is to validate ourselves.

    As a result, many people jump from one relationship to the next without fully understanding why the previous relationship didn’t work. This also leads incompatible people to get married or stay in relationships that no longer satisfy them.

    Knowing who you are alone is the greatest gift you can give yourself. It pulls you away from the comforts of a relationship and allows you space to understand yourself and what makes you happy.

    We all want to find our “other half,” but the best relationships occur when two whole people unite and allow their love to complement their already enriched lives.

    These components were missing in the last chapter of my life, but I am looking forward to acknowledging them in the ones ahead.

    Happy couple image via Shutterstock

  • How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    How to Boost Your Self-Esteem When You’re Insecure

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    When it comes to self-esteem, I’ve had a bumpy ride. Throughout my school life I was severely bullied and, consequently, I grew up intensely insecure and self-critical.

    I constantly measured my self-worth against the opinions of others, and when opinions weren’t forthcoming, I simply filled in the blanks by imagining the worst.

    By my twenties I measured my self-worth in terms of my popularity, how successful I was compared to my friends, my appearance, and my love life.

    If I had a bad hair day it was catastrophic—I instantly felt ugly, unlovable, and alone. Everything hinged upon my desire to measure up, and if I felt I wasn’t (which I usually did) I would berate and bully myself.

    It was as if there was this volcano inside of me simmering away with self-loathing that could burst into outright hatred at any time. Because I didn’t like myself, I was constantly searching for outside validation, someone else that could make me happy and whole again.

    Looking back, I think that’s why I found it so hard to be single. I hadn’t learned to like myself, so it made perfect sense that to be left in my own company would cause me unease.

    In 2009 it all came to a head when I had what can only be described as a catastrophic breakdown, or as I like to put it, breakthrough.

    I finally sought treatment for my trauma, which helped build my self-esteem. I was extremely privileged to have had access to world-class care; however, the steps I took to overcome my low self-esteem—the very same I share with you today—can be achieved by anyone with the aid of a notepad and pen.

    Step 1: Create a positive qualities record.

    The biggest step I took toward learning to love myself was to remind myself of the kind of person I could be.

    Shockingly simple, I know, but nevertheless challenging when you don’t like yourself very much. I remember struggling to think of positive qualities that I could honestly claim as my own and trying to silence my inner critic as it discounted each one I thought of.

    The more I persisted, the easier I recalled them, one by one. If you find it difficult at first, keep at it—trust me, it will pay off.

    Essentially, you are training your brain to look for evidence that supports a higher level of self-esteem, and this exercise is extremely effective. Aim to write down just fifteen positive qualities that relate to your character.

    As I re-read my list, I remembered I had qualities I liked and was proud of. The process of writing them down had reassured me that I had worth after all. I then went through the list and wrote down examples of when I had displayed those qualities.

    You don’t have to do this for all of your fifteen qualities. Simply pick your five favorite qualities from your list and note down the times when you have shown those traits to others.

    When I did this for my own positive qualities record, I really had to search for examples, but the sense of validation I felt was well worth it. I now had concrete evidence that I possessed the qualities I had attributed to myself—a powerful silencing tool for my inner critic!

    Step 2: Create an activity diary for achievements, fun, and relaxation.

    This step had the biggest impact upon my self-esteem by far. I was given instructions to list daily entries with an A (for Achievement), an F (for Fun), or an R (for Relaxation) besides each task or activity. I was also told to list small things for A’s to build up my confidence before listing bigger tasks.

    These simple instructions transformed how I saw my time and, most importantly, how I viewed self-care. No longer did I think of fun and relaxation as frivolous or insignificant. I now saw them as equally valid to tasks and an important use of my time.

    Day by day I ticked off the A’s, F’s, and R’s in my diary and almost immediately my confidence and self-esteem grew. I had a sense of achievement and inner pride from knowing I was practicing self-care and being productive. Moreover, my confidence in my capabilities grew tenfold.

    I started to have guilt-free fun and rediscovered the joy it brought. I learned what I found relaxing and I became calmer as a result.

    The truth is, these same benefits are available to you right now. All you need is a diary and a pen—nothing fancy—just something to write down two tasks each day. List one Achievement and either one Relaxation or one Fun activity. Then take pleasure in seeing your self-esteem rise.

    Step 3: Adjust negative core beliefs.

    The problem with core beliefs is that we believe them at our very, well, core. Unsurprisingly, one of my negative core beliefs was that I was unlovable. The first thing I did was to write it down and then challenge it to discover a more realistic, balanced core belief.

    It was hard at first, but after some time I came up with “I may not be perfect, but there are many people that love me and find me lovable.” This was definitely a more accurate and balanced core belief, and one I would do well to adopt.

    I then wrote the new balanced core belief at the top of a new page and below it drew two columns. On top of one, I wrote, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Past & Present” and on top of the other, “Evidence for New Core Belief—Future.”

    I then listed all the evidence for my new core belief to date.

    I listed all of the people who I knew loved me. I listed my positive qualities as lovable traits and examples when others had been loving toward me. In the second column I listed: noticing when people pay me compliments, paying attention to loving gestures, and making note of when people tell me “I love you.”

    The more I reflected on the evidence, the less I believed that I was unlovable and the more weight my new realistic and balanced core belief held. I suddenly felt lighter, relieved even, as if I had just woken up from a nightmare that now had no place in reality.

    By their very nature core beliefs are deeply rooted, but if you regularly look over the evidence you’ve written for your new balanced core belief, you too can overcome its grasp!

    —

    I’m happy to say that the insecure and self-critical years I spent in my twenties seem like a distant memory now. I’m kinder to myself. I’m more forgiving of my flaws and don’t equate them to my self-worth.

    Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly confident, I even go out without make-up on—just to prove to myself I can and that I am more than the summation of my looks.

    What others think of me no longer bothers me in the way that it once did because I know that I am a loving, kind, generous person with a lot to offer people.

    As I write that, it sounds arrogant on the page, but that’s what I believe and that’s what my internal dialogue has become.

    Don’t get me wrong, my inner critic sometimes pops his ugly head up every now and again, but I now have a vast array of ammunition to throw at him.

    By following these steps you will accrue your own arsenal to throw at your inner critics so they too can be silenced and, as Thich Nhat Hanh would say, so that you can accept yourself—both wholeheartedly and completely, for the beautiful person you were born to be.

  • We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

    We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

    Woman with Open Arms

    “We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving…Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” ~Alexander McCall Smith

    We all know the importance of giving. In fact, it feels rather nice to give to others; we have all experienced that warm glow in the stomach when we do something thoughtful for another person or exchange kind words. To make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.

    But sometimes, do we get so caught up in the giving that we forget to receive? And in doing so, do we give too much?

    I have always been a people pleaser.

    My parents were divorced when I was five years old. It was a complicated situation, one that I didn’t fully understand as a child.

    My sister and I grew up with our grandparents, having contact with our dad during holidays, while the contact with our mum dwindled down to nothing.

    I hadn’t realized until recently that my five-year-old self felt completely abandoned by my parents. We never talked about the situation as a family; feelings were not something you shared, so they stayed bottled up.

    I grew up with the belief, deep down, that my parents left me because I wasn’t good enough.

    As a consequence, I tried my best to be as agreeable as I could to everyone around me. This meant having no opinion, going along with what others wanted all the time, not communicating my needs, and trying my best not to upset anyone.

    Then maybe, I would be good enough to love. This was pretty exhausting.

    I developed OCD for a period of time, frequently staying in the bathroom for hours, performing hand-washing rituals until my hands were raw and brushing my teeth until my gums bled.

    If I performed these rituals, bad things wouldn’t happen anymore. My granddad, who developed terminal cancer, eventually gave up his battle to the disease after a long period of suffering, and the rituals stopped.

    Instead, I sunk further into depression.

    As a result of my negative thinking patterns and my deeply held beliefs, I fell into a series of damaging relationships.

    Just wanting to be loved, by them, by anyone, I desperately tried to make things work with guys who were either not right for me or, more often than not, emotionally unavailable. I was replicating the relationships that I had known from my childhood.

    Relationships are equal give and take, not the constant giving that I had developed in the hope of making people love me back. Instead, ironically, this pushed people away.

    The thing was, I was desperately looking for love, when deep down, I didn’t like let alone love myself. Secretly, I believed I didn’t deserve to be loved. I wasn’t good enough for anyone; what could I offer to anyone?

    I would sleep with men early on in the relationship, figuring that giving my body was the only thing of worth that I could offer.

    It all came to a head when yet another relationship failed. Each time, the other person ended the relationship, which dealt a blow to my already fragile sense of self-esteem.

    I’d slide into depressive episodes with scary frequency, when I would cry constantly, finding it a mammoth task to even just get out of bed, having no interest in life and isolating myself from people.

    Then one day, I had serious thoughts of ending my life. It was then that I knew it was time to change.

    Reaching out and receiving the help I needed was the best decision of my life. I spoke to my GP who referred me on to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy counsellor.

    This time, I was completely honest about what I was feeling; I told them about the suicidal thoughts, about not wanting to be here anymore so I wouldn’t feel the constant pain.

    It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was able to tell them everything. I have had counselling before, but it hadn’t been right for me. Like most things, you need to keep trying until you find what speaks to you.

    CBT, which challenges negative thoughts, helped me to realize that I was automatically thinking negatively. It showed me that my thoughts were not fact. I started to understand about my deeply held beliefs, which colored everything I thought.

    Above all, it showed me that I actually had needs and wants; there were things that I wanted to do with my time and not just go along passively with other peoples’ decisions.

    In giving all my time and attention to others and not taking the time to receive back from them, I was hiding from the fact that I didn’t feel I was worth other peoples’ efforts.

    I was hiding from myself that I had deep-rooted issues that needed to be dealt with—and that I needed people to help me to do this.

    There are a few things that I have learned through therapy:

    1. Show yourself that you are worth caring for by starting to care for yourself.

    A tendency of people pleasers is to give relentlessly without a thought for themselves. Take time for yourself, pamper yourself—do something kind for yourself each day.

    2. Allow others to help you when it is needed, and don’t be scared to reach out.

    You can start with small things, like asking a friend to pick up a parcel for you when they are passing the shop.

    3. Surround yourself with people who help make you feel good about yourself.

    I’m so lucky to have an incredibly supportive and loving sister who listens to me and helps when times are tough as well as good. Spend as much time as possible with people who reinforce your self-worth, not bring it down.

    4. Say “no” occasionally.

    It’s important to assess what your needs and wants are and communicate these with people. Saying “no” sometimes does not make you selfish; it means you are taking care of yourself, and you will attract more respect from others as a result.

    5. Keep a positive journal.

    Note anything that happens that makes you feel good—positive feedback from a boss, a kind word from your friend, a compliment from a stranger—and remember to accept these, not dismiss them.

    6. Think about what you want from life.

    Think about what makes you tick and therefore a more contented person, able to receive from others.

    I’ve discovered my passion for photography, which has built up my confidence and therefore lessened my need to please people all the time.

    7. Don’t be scared to have an opinion.

    Occasionally, we really don’t mind either way. But if you do genuinely have an opinion on something, don’t be scared to speak up. People want to know the real you, not someone you think they want.

    —

    I am working through this journey of self-discovery, and no doubt, always will be.

    I am learning to accept the good things that people do for me and the kind words they say. I’ve realized that you don’t have to be perfect for people to love you. You don’t have to constantly give for people to want to spend time with you.

    I am enough.

    For the first time in my life, I’m devoting the time and attention I normally would reserve solely for other people to myself. You don’t want to forget about others, but you also don’t want to forget about yourself.

    In doing so, I’m building up my sense of self-worth and becoming more able to accept love from others. And just maybe, I’m also letting that other person feel a warm glow in their stomach too.

    Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock

  • Your Worth Is Not Dependent on What You Do or Accomplish

    Your Worth Is Not Dependent on What You Do or Accomplish

    Carefree Man

    “A life’s worth, in the end, isn’t measured in hours or money. It’s measured by the amount of love exchanged along the way.” ~Unknown

    I’ve had a go-go-go personality for as long as I can remember. I think I was born with it.

    Both of my parents were small business owners who truly believed that with enough hard work and heart-and-soul dedication, you can accomplish anything.

    By the age of three, I was a gymnast; by early elementary school, a competitive one, with a coach who was constantly (and sometimes aggressively) pushing me to the next level.

    Therein began the scheduling of every minute of my time: from school, to two-hour practices, to homework on the road, to weekend competitions, to girls’ slumber and birthday parties.

    I wanted to do it all, and to be the best at all I did. I hadn’t even reached high school and had already joined the universal struggle for work/life balance!

    The especially vicious part of this cycle was that, when I found myself falling short in any one area (for example, not being quite “good enough” for the popular group of girls in school), I would drive my energy fiercely into other areas, such as academic success, which my teachers noticed and encouraged.

    I graduated from high school at the top of my class, and Suma Cum Laude in my Bachelors and Masters degrees. (Both programs were in Psychology, by the way—even then, I tried to understand and connect more deeply with myself and others).

    Following grad school, I continued the fast-paced life and entered my first corporate career as a wellness facilitator.

    I traveled all over the U.S. and internationally too, to deliver a workshop that was, ironically, based in self-care and listening to your body. I certainly wasn’t practicing either of those things, but I was receiving praise from my bosses and respected colleagues.

    One of my more memorable breakdowns came toward the end of the first year on the job. Sitting in yet another airport, for yet another delayed flight home, I’d just had it. I was chronically stressed and exhausted; pale, thin, and fragile; and physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually spent.

    It terrified me to imagine living life another year at this pace; it was equally terrifying to listen to what my heart was and had been calling for, for some time: to slow down.

    The Universe had been gently coaxing me toward this moment for a few years by introducing a yoga practice, essential oil use, acupuncture, and many healing modalities and healers into my life. But rather than embracing the healing fully, I turned each experience into an opportunity to do yet another thing.

    Yoga? I became an instructor. Essential oil use? I became a distributor. Acupuncture? I turned it into a working relationship and an opportunity to build my network for my healing business.

    It’s as if my ego simply wouldn’t accept or allow such radical acts of self-care without some sort of business case outside of my being.

    Deep, deep down, at my very core, I didn’t believe I was worthy of slowing down, of being taken care of, of feeling good.

    I, by myself, unattached from all the things that I did, wasn’t good enough. And how could I be? I’d built my life, my whole identity, on doing a lot, being good at all that I did, and looking for approval outside of myself.

    I was the one that took on the world, the one that could clean, cook, be a great girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, and thrive in a successful career. And to anyone outside of myself, that is what it looked like—that I had it all, and had it all together.

    According to my boss and the corporate world, I was a “high potential”; according to societal standards, I should’ve been on top of the world happy.

    But guess what? I was massively broken, empty, and unhappy. And that’s part of what kept me looped in, continually striving for the next thing; unfortunately, because I’d learned to search solely outside of myself, that is where my worth delicately hung as well.

    Throughout life, I’d also caught glimpses of my true and inherent worth.

    I saw it in giving—sharing a special connection with a yogi during one of my classes; hearing feedback from a participant in one of my workshops that they would finally commit to taking care of themselves. And I also found it in receiving—hugs and thoughtful gestures from my boyfriend (now fiancé, whom I rarely saw at the time); an especially connected meditation or journaling session; a deeply meaningful conversation.

    And the connection that exists within each of those acts is embracing love, wholeheartedly. Believing that what we have to offer is enough, without condition, and that we are worthy of receiving such love the same way that we give it—freely.

    The truth is, our worthiness doesn’t reside in doing; it lies within our very being. It’s unchanging, unwavering, and infinite. But we can certainly convince ourselves of the former and spend our lives hustling for the worthiness that we’ll never find in doing.

    So how do we get there? How do we shift from identifying ourselves with what we do to who we are?

    For me, understanding this truth didn’t come with one massive blow to the ego; it happened in gradual shifts. Here are the practices that help me remember my unconditional worth and live a beautifully fulfilled and blessed life:

    1. Openness.

    Be willing to accept and embrace what comes, believing that it is for your own and the collective highest good.

    This really helped me release my urge to control, to come back to my inner truth, and to focus on being versus doing.

    2. Choice/perspective.

    Remember that in any given situation or experience, you have the choice to see through the eyes of fear or love.

    We are often faced with this one when we are putting our full selves out there in our careers, our relationships, and even our passions and hobbies.

    A fear mindset might keep us stuck in self-limiting beliefs, such as:

    • I really want the job, but there’s no way I’m qualified.
    • He/she is so great, but would never notice me.
    • I love to paint/sing/dance, but there’s no way I could ever do anything with it.

    A loving mindset encourages us to remain open and curious, without attaching our worth to the outcome:

    • I can’t ignore this job opportunity; I’m smart, experienced, and I owe it to myself to explore the possibility.
    • I really feel a connection with him/her; I should at least explore a conversation and see where it takes us.
    • I really feel the best of my energy comes out when I paint/sing/dance, and I’d like to share that energy with the world in a way that makes sense for me.

    3. Asking for what you need.

    Know that it is okay and necessary to say “no” sometimes, and to ask for help! And know that this doesn’t make you any less of a person; in fact, it creates space for you to keep your light shining and for others to step into their own light, as well. (This one is still an ongoing struggle for me).

    4. Surrender vs. striving.

    We are creatures of habit, and though I am totally and intentionally committed to slowing down and embracing self-care, I still find myself unnecessarily filling my time and getting dragged back into the worthiness hustle.

    Rather than beating yourself up further and digging the hole deeper, take a deep breath and surrender. Ask for guidance from the Universe and then listen and try to honor and trust what comes.

    When I fully commit to this, I usually feel a wave of calm wash over me almost instantly.

    So please, stop the chaotic and fruitless search for worthiness outside of yourself. Slow down, listen, and honor your body and soul’s cravings. Commit to embracing all that you are, and come back to your true nature—peace and happiness.

    Carefree man image via Shutterstock

  • Releasing Comparisons: No One Is Perfect and We All Deserve Love

    Releasing Comparisons: No One Is Perfect and We All Deserve Love

    Woman Hugging Herself

    “Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

    I spent my teenage years and early twenties believing that my weight was my worth; that I had to look and be a particular way to be accepted or loved.

    I lived in a negative cycle of comparing myself to everyone. I remember sitting in on one of my lectures in university, trying to work out if my lecturer was fatter or thinner than me.

    I look back now and wonder how many times I missed the fun and parties I was too scared to go to because I felt too fat or uncool or whatever negative feeling I was dwelling on at the time.

    When I was twenty-seven, my boyfriend of three years dumped me, on the day I found out I was pregnant. Worse still, or so it felt at the time, just a few months later he had a new girlfriend, a beautiful girl, who was also a single mother.

    I think the day I saw them together was the day I hit rock bottom. I cried so much and lost fourteen pounds in five days. I felt absolutely shattered and utterly worthless.

    Why wasn’t I good enough?

    How could he not want his own baby yet love another man’s child?

    Was I too ugly?

    Was I too fat?

    Why wasn’t I lovable?

    Destructive thoughts whizzed around my head in a very unhealthy manor.

    I lost my baby, which also made me feel worthless.

    His new girlfriend had everything I thought I wanted. She had the perfect body, she was absolutely gorgeous, she also had a baby, and the man I loved, loved her.

    I had to learn to love myself. It wasn’t easy to start, but the first step was to stop comparing myself unfavorably to everyone, especially her.

    It was destroying me.

    With everything that happens to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat it as a gift.

    I wallowed in self-pity, regret, and depression for eighteen months. One day I stumbled upon Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Your Erroneous Zone. It was the book that woke me up and made me realize only I could change the way I was seeing myself and my past.

    The past was gone, done, over. I couldn’t change it, no matter how much it hurt. I had to accept what was, and most importantly, I had to learn to see myself in a different light.

    Here’s I how I did it.

    At first I kept a list of everything nice anyone said to me.

    I started a gratitude journal.

    I went back to basics—appreciation, picking love over fear.

    I learned that just because he didn’t love me, that didn’t mean that I’m unlovable.

    Slowly but surely, I began to see my value.

    I realized I was a worthwhile human being after all.

    As a nutritionist, I help clients change their health every day, so whenever I felt truly helpless, I would find some who needed my help and offer it for free. Was it good business? Some would say no, but for me, it was therapy.

    Kindness therapy, you get what you give. I was giving love, and in return I found myself. If you ever feel helpless, reach out and help someone. Smile at a stranger. It maybe the only person they see smile at them all day. You never know the ripple effect of the kindness you spread.

    I wrote articles on nutrition for magazines. At first, I think this was to give me validation. Seeing my name printed in a magazine must mean I’m a worthwhile human being, right?

    But the letters of gratitude I received made me realize that I knew things that could help people. One lady wrote to me saying her daughter’s behavior had improved dramatically after she implemented the changes I had suggested.

    These small things helped me realize that while I may not look like a Victoria’s Secret model, like my ex’s new girlfriend, I am still a worthwhile human being who has the ability to help people.

    I also started to see that even those who appear to “have it all” to the outside world often still have their own issues going on. I realized that having looks like a Victoria’s Secret model doesn’t protect you from heartbreak or sadness, a fact I had ignored until now.

    Cheryl Cole is one of the most beautiful women in show business, yet her husband cheated on her.

    We have to love ourselves. Comparison and envy are destructive forces that steal away contentment and block the flow of love. We don’t have to prove we are good enough to anyone; we just have to realize we were born worthy of love, and we’re lovable exactly as we are.

    I’ve learned that there will always be people who are more and less attractive than me. However, beauty is subjective, and we all have different taste.

    I believe beauty is a characteristic of a person. Beauty comes from a person’s soul. Beauty is in a person’s actions, how they treat people, how they care about people, and who they are as a person.

    So don’t live a half-life comparing yourself to others. Comparison in any form is destructive. Downward comparisons can make you vain and upward comparisons can make you bitter.

    We all deserve to be loved by others and to love others, but first we need to love ourselves.

    Love yourself just as you are. You, as much as anyone else in the world, deserve your own love.

    Woman hugging herself image via Shutterstock

  • Developing Confidence Without Becoming Arrogant

    Developing Confidence Without Becoming Arrogant

    Shy Man

    “What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.” ~Seneca

    I used to labor under the gross illusion that confidence was elusive, like a Sasquatch.

    Or fleeting, like a shooting star.

    It’s there for a moment, then poof! Gone.

    Did I dream it? 

    To deepen this illusion, I believed that only a select few were anointed with confidence by an unseen hand upon their birth (this same mysterious hand also granted natural athletic ability), leaving the rest of us to muddle through, solely reliant on glancing blows of confidence that would hopefully show up when desperately necessary.

    Time to do an oral report on The Louisiana Purchase? Let’s hope confidence decides to make a rare appearance—or I’m doomed behind that faux-wood podium!                 

    To further confuse matters, I believed that any acquired confidence was the result of validation and admiration from others.

    Perhaps this seed was planted when I heard the phrase: “Insert appropriate term here gave me/her/him confidence.”

    The idea that confidence is “given” I apparently took somewhat literally, because I spent years looking for it outside of myself.

    I know now that this is a fairly ridiculous passel of assumptions and just about as opposite of legitimate confidence as one can get.

    I also used to think that it took arrogance to be confident and that confidence and arrogance were just about one and the same.

    I didn’t have the first clue about how to be confident, and then as an added complication, I had a hang up around not even wanting to take confidence for a spin for fear of seeming arrogant.

    Who does she think she is?!

    My first big wake-up call to true confidence occurred twenty years ago in a small downtown bar in New York City.

    My friends invited me out to see a new band, yet I felt like a “tag along.”

    This, of course, was in my head due to the silly soap-opera story of outsider unworthiness I told myself. (Please refer to my previous post You Are Enough for more backstory.)

    In said band, one member also happened to be a well-known movie actor.

    It was a cold winter’s night and the bar was not crowded, so when the band’s set was over, the actor came over to say “hello.”

    He was very friendly and a stranger to most of us, except to the friend of my friends who initially extended the invitation. They worked together and were making introductions.

    He pleasantly greeted each of us one by one.

    I was last in line to shake his hand and by the time he got to me, I said in the lamest most dismissive downtrodden way imaginable, “I’m Alix.”

    But I might as well have said, “I’m an afterthought.”

    Or, “Bleh.”

    He pounced on me in the best possible way.

    “Now don’t say it like that!” he reproached.

    He then mimicked me, “’I’m Alix.”

    As he did so, he was looking me straight in the eyes, perfectly impersonating my shruggy sad-sack introduction.

    His manner was so charmingly disarming that I cracked up laughing.

    I couldn’t believe how I had come across!

    His impromptu coaching continued, “You have to say it more like, “I’M ALIX!” I mean, come on, YOU’RE Alix! I should be excited to meet YOU!”

    No one had ever spoken to me like this before and it woke me up to the cultivated patheticism that had hitherto dwelled in a broad blind spot in my unconscious.

    Then, Mr. Actor made me practice introducing myself again, this time with vigorous hand shaking and committed eye contact.

    As I engaged in the exercise, I could hardly keep a straight face.

    This guy was giving such an unexpected gift by showing me back to myself.

    With his light and humorous method, I immediately snapped out of my “no one wants to meet me” mindset.

    I was liberated.

    He taught me not only how to act confidently, but without realizing it, he revealed to me a clear way in which one can be confident without being arrogant.

    He was confident, but he also didn’t take himself seriously. He made me feel I mattered and took the time to let me know.

    This was a five-minute conversation that altered the course of my life.

    Ever since that snowy night, I have been consciously aware of the energy that I present to others.

    Present? Check.

    Eye contact? Check.

    Firm handshake? Check.

    Engaged? Check.

    Sincere? Check.

    After my no-confidence rehabilitation, I can tell you that I may not have always felt 100% confident in every single instance, but I decided to appear as though I did.

    This is the definition of “fake it ’til you make it.”

    I soon discovered that more I “acted” confident, the more authentically confident I felt.

    I finally felt worthy, and worthiness is the prime ingredient of true confidence.

    True confidence begins with, or I should say, within us.

    It isn’t about stuff like success, rewards, accolades, or (and this may be the most salient point) the perception of others. It’s about the perception we have about ourselves.

    Only we can “give” confidence to ourselves.

    And here is the big secret:

    If we embrace our own worthiness…

    Well, then we are worthy.

    It really is that simple.

    Now I didn’t (and don’t) go around bellowing, “I’M ALIX!!” to strangers, but I certainly no longer feel I have to apologize for showing up.

    I also recognize that since I come from a place of love and kindness, I probably will not be mistaken for being arrogant.

    And if I am, then I’m all right with that, since that is really about “them,” not me.

    I cannot, nor would I ever try, to control how others perceive me.

    How others see us is really up to them.

    Here is my mini-handbook to determine the differences between arrogance and confidence so you can feel confident that you’re not arrogant.

    Arrogance is a mask for insecurities.

    1. When people are covering their fears, they must work extra-hard to convince not only themselves, but everyone around them that they’re confident, instead of posturing.

    2. This kind of bravado is a guise created by the well-meaning, albeit a misguided ego to protect what it considers to be the fragile eco-system of the mind.

    3. Arrogance also always louder and more competitive than actual confidence, because it constantly fears for its survival.

    True confidence is quiet (think Ninja).

    1. This quiet is a result of honest self-evaluation, tough questions, and feeling worthy to be on the planet.

    2. Confidence, once developed, then means we can be cozy—I’m talking couch-like—comfortable in our own skin, where the once pesky ego is now on a constant vacation.

    3. True confidence is not competitive. In fact, it prefers to make space for others to speak their minds without feeling the need to jump in and course correct the conversation, the plan, or the route.

    4. True confidence also breeds contentment, because we no longer exhaust ourselves trying to prove things to others or ourselves. Phew!

    5. True confidence means that we continually enjoy our own company, because at the end of the metaphoric day, we’re the ones with whom we spend the most time.

    6. True confidence also means being willing to dork out, be uncool, and be yourself whenever and wherever necessary.

    I will be forever grateful to that friendly actor, who was so wonderfully confident in himself that he had no qualms about sparking true confidence within me.

    Shy man image via Shutterstock

  • Learning to Speak Up: You Deserve to Meet Your Needs

    Learning to Speak Up: You Deserve to Meet Your Needs

    “Ask for what you want. Give other people the opportunity to say ‘yes.’ Stop saying ‘no’ for them. “ ~Roger Ellerton

    I never realized until very recently exactly how hard it’s been for me to speak up for my needs. To ask for what I require and want. I honestly don’t know how I’ve navigated through life.

    Let me rephrase that: I’ve managed life by being very passive, ignoring my own desires. Then that small grain of resentment would build into frustration, and I would explode.

    I became a fiery and angry woman. I expressed my needs in a destructive manner, ranting and raving and writing emotional emails and text messages. It’s no wonder people didn’t take me seriously or listen!

    “Tammy’s having a freak out,” they’d say, or “Tammy’s in a mood.”

    This only compounded my anger and frustration.

    What a vicious cycle I was living. Inner peace was difficult when I couldn’t ask people for what I required. I’m not talking about needs like asking for the salt across the table. I’m talking about emotional needs, financial needs, and needs in the workplace and in relationships.

    If I was speaking up on behalf of someone else, that was easy for me. It just wasn’t easy for me to express my needs.

    This revelation about this pattern has become crystal clear over the past few weeks, and more so the past few days.

    Hubby and I have renovations being done, with a big monetary investment. The tiling was not acceptable. There were big gaps. Some were not aligned properly. Some were jutting out over others. It was not flush. It was not up to our expectations or in alliance with the money we paid.

    Something had to be said. I work from home, so I’m the one to communicate our dissatisfaction. A fear came over me. I felt physically sick. I didn’t want to hurt the tiler’s feelings.

    He’s a nice young man and is very pleasant to chat with. However, the work wasn’t up to standard. How could I say this? My goodness, how my stomach churned, and my head began to ache.

    I didn’t have time to be passive (which is my normal pattern—to let things slide). This is a building site, and if I wait, it will be much too late, and we’ll be stuck with shoddy work. I had to speak up.

    This broke my lifelong pattern of suppressing my emotions, needs, and desires. With no anger, resentment, or bitterness built up, my communication was much more relaxed, loving, and friendly. I was able to write initially and then discuss our concerns in a very amicable and approachable manner.

    Although I was nervous and anxious, time restraints forced me to take immediate action to remedy the situation. What a beautiful lesson from the universe.

    Needless to say, because I was able to bring up our issues and concerns lovingly at the moment the problem arose, they were resolved quickly. Can you imagine if I’d waited until I was so angry and upset that I exploded?

    Can you imagine how the people would have reacted if I fell into my usual pattern of waiting until I crack? I know from experience that it would not have been friendly or helpful. It would have spiraled out of control, with everyone feeling negative and horrible.

    What insight for me! I never realized my issues came back to me being unable or unwilling to speak up for what I needed.

    I surmise this comes from observing my mother growing up, who is a meek lady who’d much rather go without or put up with stuff to keep the peace. I also observed my father, who is volatile and more aggressive in nature. If things go wrong, his first reaction is anger, with a lot of swearing and cursing.

    Neither of these is the best model for coping with life, so I’ve developed my own way, which hasn’t served me well.

    The universe has given me a clear and concise lesson. It’s one that I’ve had many times over and failed to learn. The amount of incidences I can reflect upon and link to my inability to speak up for a need that wasn’t being met is staggering. Thank goodness the universe is patient. I’ve grappled with outbursts for years.

    I know I will overcome this issue. I will speak up lovingly, at the moment something is annoying me or not serving a need. I also know that the universe will provide me with many occasions to put into practice my newfound wisdom just to show me how far I’ve come.

    We are all capable of speaking up, and even the meekest person must learn to do it.

    When you suppress your true feelings, they don’t disappear or go away; they transform into something else. For me, they transform into explosive anger. Other people’s suppressed emotions manifest into depression, anxiety, or some other physical illness.

    A dear friend of mine gets mouth ulcers when she’s holding back her true opinions and not voicing them. It’s not healthy to “keep the peace” at all costs, and why should you?

    You are worth it, and you deserve things to be right for you. Speaking up for your needs does not make you a difficult person. It means you respect yourself and know that you deserve better than what you are receiving.

  • What Babies Teach Us About Self-Image and Letting Go

    What Babies Teach Us About Self-Image and Letting Go

    Baby

    “The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    The nurse found me slumped behind the soda machine.

    “Honey, are you okay?” she asked, brow crinkled in nervous response to my (apparently louder than I’d realized) sobs.

    I nodded, answering in messy sniffles. The nurse, not entirely convinced, assured me that if I needed anything, she’d be at the desk just around the corner.

    I remained crouched in my not-so-perfect hiding place a while longer, waiting until my breaths no longer shook to trudge back to my mom’s hospital room. The news was not going to be fun to break.

    I was officially a deadbeat.

    For context, I’ve lived most of my life as a success junkie. I was the token overachiever during every year of education, at every job, in every hobby; being impressive was my forte.

    My general mindset was that success is good, so those who succeed are worthy, while failure is bad, so those who fail are unworthy.

    This mindset fueled plenty of remarkable endeavors—some thrilling and fun, some terrifying and painful—all of which were tied to my own self-image.

    I’d just left a dream job in music marketing, which had only developed after years of radio programming and slow, meticulous relationship-building with industry contacts.

    I’d worked my butt off at that position, trading unlimited access to up-and-coming music and a constantly revolving social life of shows, happy hours, festivals, hangouts with bands, and client dinners for adequate sleep/nutrition/self-care. (This workaholic behavior made me worthy.)

    After ultimately deciding that music marketing wasn’t the core around which I wanted to build my life, I’d begun revisiting my previously abandoned plans to live and work abroad.

    I’d applied, applied, and applied for jobs throughout Asia, finally accepting a position in South Korea. (Quitters are unworthy; a next step in place kept me safe and still worthy.)

    I’d somehow worked up the courage to notify my bosses, go public with the decision, and pack up the life I’d built from scratch over the past five years. (This made me crazy, but with a next step firmly in place, I stillremained “worthy.”)

    Then, during my final week in the office, I’d received the news that my mom had cancer. And so I quickly found myself on a plane back to the Midwest, where, thankfully, I was able to support her through the surgery and recovery process.

    Now, however, here I was mere hours after her operation: crumpled behind a soda machine, trying to process the phone call with the Korean Consulate that had just shattered my worthiness in a span of about five minutes.

    “Miss Suellentrop, there is a problem with your paperwork. You’ll have to mail us XYZ additional forms if you want to apply for a work visa. We’ll have them processed by next month.”

    But my start date is in two weeks—I can’t miss it!

    “Then I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to take the job.”

    And that was that. A handful of sentences had taken away my employment, my painstakingly laid plans for the next twelve months—and my fragile self-image right along with them.

    You willingly abandoned your edgy, cool life on the East Coast, I told myself. You are a failure. 

    You quit your secure, impressive job. You are a failure.

    Everyone will know you’re a deadbeat stuck in a suburban town. You are a failure.

    You’re balled up behind a soda machine and haven’t showered since Monday. YOU ARE A FAILURE.

    I shuffled back to the room to share the update with my family, voice choked with embarrassment—both from the fact that I now had no job in place, and from the fact that while I was suffering an identity crisis based on outward appearances, Mom was recovering from major invasive surgery. In the spectrum of tough-to-handle circumstances, cancer tends to trump most other things.

    After a few moments of quiet, my beloved, endlessly wise, still heavily medicated mother said, “Claire, when babies fart, they don’t freak out or worry that they aren’t good babies. They feel it, they let it happen, and then they let it go.”

    They let it go.

    When circumstances beyond our control make life smelly, we don’t need to hold onto them any longer than a baby holds on to its farts.

    Rather than allowing those circumstances to define who we are, all we need to do is acknowledge the thoughts and emotions they trigger, accept that they’re happening, and let them go.

    Stifling the emotions that spring forth won’t ease the situation—when is holding gas in ever the more comfortable option?

    Emotions are nothing more than the results of the thoughts you’re having about the circumstance. Like gas, they’re just noise passing through. Feel them, as fully as you can, and then they’ll be able to fade.

    Pretending the circumstance isn’t happening is equally as fruitless. You can pretend all you want that you didn’t let one rip, but the room will still reek. It’s just an event that occurred—something totally neutral and temporary. It doesn’t mean a thing.

    Why try to label yourself by something ethereal, something brief?

    Feeling bad does not make you a bad person, and receiving embarrassing news or an unexpected result from a long-held plan does not mean you are unworthy.

    You are not the air escaping from your body, you are not the job you no longer have, you are not the possessions you do or do not own. You are just you, and only you. Let the rest of it go.

    If you find yourself reeling from an outside event or rushing to block out an unwanted wave of emotion, pause for a second.

    Identify whether you’re trying to hold something in, pretend it doesn’t exist, or let it define you.

    Once you’ve got that down, revert back to your baby self:

    Feel it. Let it happen. And let it go.

    Photo by didi8

  • Conscious Choices We Need to Make to Attract Healthy Relationships

    Conscious Choices We Need to Make to Attract Healthy Relationships

    Couple Holding Hands

    “When you have a choice to make and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.” ~William James

    I have been single for most of my life; sometimes it would seem by choice, and sometimes not. In that time, I have learned and experienced a lot. Some of the things I had thought I wanted changed, and some of the things I thought I didn’t want have become things I do.

    Over the years I have tried various forms of meeting people, including the “bar method,” online dating, and approaching random strangers in public places. It’s not that I was desperate to find someone; I just find dating interesting and meeting new people thrilling. Nothing is really off limits these days, and no one really knows a concrete method for meeting “the right one.”

    While I don’t think there’s any “right” way to meet people, I can say this about relationships: our consciousness is everything.

    It is so complex and profound that science can’t even measure it. Think about that. The one thing we use to experience and create every aspect of our lives is not remotely understood or measured.

    As someone who has been exploring his own conscious potential for years now, I am simply blown away by what we as humans are actually capable of, and I am learning more every day—not by reading, or hearing from others, but by experiencing.

    Our thoughts influence our emotions, and our emotions affect the health of our body. If everything is connected and influenced internally by how we think and feel, why is it such a stretch to think the “outside” world—the world made up of the same atoms we are each made up of—isn’t just as influenced by these thoughts and feelings?

    This is not about The Secret or simply attracting what you want. It is about consciousness, free will, and choices in this life.

    In my experience with dating, I have learned that:

    1. Like attracts like.

    As human beings, we are here to learn. We attract people with the consciousness that closely matches ours at a given time, but most importantly, people that will bring about the greatest lesson—mainly because both need to learn the same one, though sometimes in opposite ways.

    Simply put, the more you work on bettering yourself and raising your consciousness level, the more likely you are to attract someone who is healthier, and healthier for you.

    If you are living out of your inauthentic self, you are going to attract someone who mirrors that. We have all been there.

    Understanding this concept and applying it to your life really helps you make sense of relationships and move forward positively, if you choose to. Once I realized there were lessons to be learned from the people around me, I could find them, learn them, and let those people go when it was time to move on.

    2. Understand who you really are.

    To get to this place of clarity and understanding, you need to recognize which of your regular choices contribute to what you decided you don’t want.

    When you understand who you really are behind all of the fears, addictions, and ego, you begin to understand what you really want and need in your life. When you understand this, you can put yourself in situations with people who closely align with your real interests and level of consciousness. It might sound like common sense, but it isn’t.

    For example: Drinking heavily or doing drugs aren’t healthy or genuine soul interests. So trying to meet people while drinking to excess at bars is not likely to lead to a healthy relationship.

    As soon as I stopped putting myself in situations that contributed to an addiction process and started spending more time doing the things that were healthier for me, I found I began losing touch with certain people and meeting new, healthier ones.

    Put yourself in more situations with people who like the same healthy things you like, and that make you a better person, not less of one.

    3. Decide what you really want.

    If you have commitment issues, then that probably means you bounce back and forth between wanting love and fearing it. If you—the consciously empowered, self-authoritative, and free human being—won’t decide what you really want, how can you expect to attain it?

    I found that no matter what I tried, when I wasn’t sure what I actually wanted, my results were confusing and disappointing. It’s not just about where or how you meet; it’s about knowing yourself and what you really want and then making the conscious choice to open up to it.

    When you make this choice, firmly and consciously, your subconscious can stop resisting. It is important to affirm the intention of what you do want, not what you don’t want.

    Soon after I decided firmly and consciously that I wanted something real, something long-term, and as soon as I began healing my “unworthiness,” I opened myself up to a new relationship that reflected this new-found consciousness, but only after years of confusion about what I wanted and deserved.

    I recommend getting a journal and writing your goals. It not only puts that energy out there and sets your intention, it also helps you understand what you really do and don’t want in your life at that moment.

    4. Know you are worthy, and love yourself.

    Do whatever you need to do to heal negative energy, emotions, and thoughts that are holding you back from moving on and loving yourself for who you really are—not who someone made you think you are.

    Before you can have a healthy relationship, you have to first remove old stuck energy from situations where people have treated you poorly or led you to feel unworthy of self-love, happiness, or respect.

    Unfortunately, you cannot think, rationalize, or talk these blocks away. There are many ways to heal: meditation, energetic healing, therapy, and so on. Do whatever resonates best for you. Sometimes a simple daily affirmation, like “I am worthy of love, I am worthy of a healthy relationship” is enough to spark a healing journey within.

    If you don’t feel worthy, then find the source of that feeling. If you spend some time and do some hard “me work,” you will uncover the people and situations tied to those emotions and thoughts holding you back.

    We have all heard the saying, and it is true: you have to love yourself before someone else can. The only way to do this is to clear other people’s voices from your mind and emotions.

    I, like many, have spent years dealing with worth issues: I felt unworthy of love, success, happiness, and so on. If you struggle with the same thing, consciously choose to work through it.

    Working on these issues frees us to attract healthy, loving relationships—and know that we deserve them.

    Photo by Christopher Michel

  • How to Start Feeling Confident, Worthy, and “Enough”

    How to Start Feeling Confident, Worthy, and “Enough”

    Confident

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

    Low self-esteem is like a garden weed. Uproot it while it’s small, or face the consequences of an unruly mess down the road.

    Its true, I have gone to extreme lengths to supplement my low self-esteem. Hair colors, tattoos, new hobbies, new jobs, moving in, moving out. I was always waiting for there to be “enough.”

    Enough what? Enough things where I could rest, feel satisfied, and be “equal” to everyone else. However, even though I often got what I wanted, the rewards were either brief or nonexistent.

    None of the fillers ever provided what I needed, and like a fool I’d move onto the next thing thinking, “Ok, this is really what I need!”

    “Your family is supportive, you have enough money, you’re attractive, you’re talented,” a good friend once told me candidly. “I can’t for the life of me figure out why you’re so insecure.”

    It was strange to stop and contemplate what he had said. I’d never thought of myself as the normal person with a complex that didn’t make sense. I’d known others with my problem, but usually their reasons were evident, like demanding parents or school bullies.

    “Why on earth am I like this? My life is so bland and…regular,” I thought.

    Eventually, after much wasted time, money, objects, friends, and opportunities, I stopped accumulating.

    I realized I was never going to reach my long-awaited mecca of “enough” and I had only accumulated junk anyway. The wheels had been spinning, but the car hadn’t gone anywhere.

    I noticed that a lot of other people didn’t need anything in particular. It was as if they were “born whole.” The reassurance simply couldn’t come from outside sources or people, because I’d tried that. It did no good.

    This led me to the tough truth. Real progress comes from helping yourself and doing what’s hard. Real progress certainly does not come from avoidance and shallow reassurances.

    What I had been doing the whole time prior to this discovery was irresponsible.

    The problem with a negative self-image is that it feels like a fact. Imagine trying to convince someone that water isn’t really water, it’s soda. Yea. Not gonna get many quick believers on that bandwagon.

    Another thing is that maintaining a negative opinion of yourself is extremely easy. A lot of us self-haters are lazy-boned veterans, sitting atop a throne of self-pity. In a sad sense, it’s the only thing we’re sure we know how to do.

    However, there are some things you can do to quell this horrible habit.

    For one, every time you find yourself hesitating to act because you’re afraid or you don’t believe you are “worthy,” rationalize it.

    For example, “My idea is just like everyone else’s at this board meeting. In reality, no one is going to think much about it. Even Bob from accounting gave his input, and his was a bit silly.”

    Now I’m not saying to knock others down, but making light of the situation often makes you realize the triviality of the thing you are worrying about.

    Another thing that’s important is risk-taking. No, I don’t mean driving backward on the highway is going to heighten your self-esteem. Those are the kind of superficial risks I would take to try to prove something to myself.

    But the really difficult and meaningful risks to take are emotional risks.

    Letting others in on how you feel, telling someone your fears, or reaching out to an acquaintance you don’t know too well. These are all noble risks, and often people with low self-esteem miss out on the growth opportunities that come with them.

    A psychologist once said self-esteem = achievements/expectations. So if you have ten expectations of yourself and you’ve only achieved one of them, your self-esteem won’t be so great.

    On the other hand, if you have five and you are achieving all five of them, you’ll likely feel at peace with yourself.

    So to simplify, determine what your goals are, and then do them! Make sure they’re attainable and your expectations aren’t extreme.

    If you’ve always wanted to be something and you’re not working at it, you’ll never be proud of yourself—because you’re not even being yourself.

    Maybe self-help tapes aren’t your cup of tea. And maybe you shudder at the thought of standing in front of your bathroom mirror chanting, “I love myself.” But you really are going to have to do things that are a bit outside of your comfort zone.

    Never underestimate the power of waking up and putting on real pants. (I know I used to.) Moping around in pajamas all day is not an option. Think, “What would confident me be doing right now?”

    You might feel like you’re faking it at first, but over time, the “real you” and the ideal “confident you” will slowly morph into the same person.

    Photo by LadyReddevil

  • You are Enough: A Tiny Manual for Being Your True Self

    You Are Enough

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    When I was in third grade, I loved to hang upside down on the monkey bars on the playground of my all-girls school in Philadelphia.

    I would lock my little pale knees over the gray steel rods and then carefully let my hands go to swing upside down, like a pendulum in a pleated skirt.

    This meant I had to bravely trust that my normally feeble strength would be sufficient to suspend me.

    It was always a victorious feeling when the backs of my knees started to burn. This meant it was time to carefully return to earth on own my terms.

    Alix – 1, Gravity – 0!

    One day, a clump of dead grass attached itself to the sole of my Stride Rite. As I was flipping off the bars, it dropped into my mouth. I hit the ground gagging and spewing, completely grossed out.

    Doubled-over and hacking out the grass was not a little noisy. I made quite the scene; however, it failed to attract the attention of my teachers.

    They didn’t rush to my side to see why I was, for all intents and purposes, throwing up.

    “Throwing up” was a golden ticket to go home from school and I wanted to cash in.

    This is because I spent the first third of my life believing that in order to be validated, something needed to be physically wrong with me.

    The only attention I felt worthy of was sympathy. I thought ailments made me interesting.

    I was the kid who wanted a sprained ankle so I could get crutches. Do you know what the attention-getting street value of crutches is in kid world? It’s like friggin’ crack!

    And a broken leg? Think of the signatures!

    I wanted poison ivy so I could have bandages, “to keep from scratching.”

    The concerned questions were like gold: “Oh no! Are you okay?”

    I wasn’t going to let the fact that I am not allergic to poison ivy stop me from tapping into this potential cache of boo-boo love.

    One summer evening with the aid of red and orange magic markers, I drew a mock rash on my arm.

    Then I test-drove it with my family, who didn’t buy it. Thankfully, this ridiculous bit never made it out of R&D.

    To be clear, I got plenty of positive reinforcement at home. I was supported from dawn ‘til dusk by my loving family, for which I am intensely grateful. But I never felt like it really counted. In my kid’s mind, I reasoned that they had signed on to love me, and were biased.

    Plus, I was just one of those souls who required validation from the outside world.

    I felt that once I left the confines of my nest, that unless I was limping or retching, I was otherwise invisible. I needed to be a victim of something in order to matter.

    That day on the playground when my teachers ignored my blatant—and legitimate!—dead grass upset, I felt even more unseen which I didn’t even think was possible.

    Aren’t these paid-professional grown-ups supposed to acknowledge me when I’m in distress?

    Since I no doubt possessed a Chicken Little-esque flair for drama, they had probably grown immune to my antics by this juncture.

    I would cling to any and all ideas of pain in order to get the symp-attention that I craved.

    When I look back at this period in my childhood I just have to laugh at myself. Not only was I highly theatrical, but my level of insecurity was semie-staggering.

    Clearly, I did not think I was enough. In fact, it’s taken me the better part of three decades to make peace with the idea that I am not only enough, but that I am exactly who I am supposed to be.

    Growing up in the seventies and eighties I had all of these notions, largely fed by TV, pop culture, and my peers, about who I was supposed to be:

    The Breck Girl, a Charlie’s Angel, Wonder Woman (but I’d be happy to be Lynda Carter), and a career-bound (not a stay-at-home) Barbie.

    As I matured into my teens, I began to shed this billboard perception about life.

    My head was turned less by action-hero ladies with perfect hair and more by, well, if I’m being completely honest, cute boys who listened to the “right” music and wore Polo cologne.

    Now eager for their approval, I shaped myself into who I thought they wanted me to be: The girl in The Smiths’ “How Soon Is Now?” video.

    This only got me so far.

    When I graduated from high school, I moved to New York to model for a large agency. This was a dream come true.

    Before long, I was trying to figure out who the modeling industry wanted me to be: Edgy? Sexy? Wholesome? Commercial? Editorial? There were so many options and would never be a clear answer.

    Having looked at my life from the outside in for so many years was a hard habit to break.

    I was like a junkie for other people’s approval, permission, information, and maps.

    I thought everyone except me was issued a handbook about life.

    They seemed to “get it” while I was constantly scrambling to find my place in their world.

    Of course, I was laboring under a massive illusion that I was the only one who felt this way.

    Again, I have to look back and laugh.

    One day during my early twenties, the universe let me look under the hood and I was let in on a cosmic secret: tons of other people feel like they’re living without a manual. Lots of us are winging it, and being a little lost is how we actually come to find ourselves.

    This epiphany was such a relief that I stopped trying to be what I thought others wanted and started getting really good at being me.

    I would love to say that this powerful shift happened overnight, but no.

    The “just being me” remained a nuanced confidence-building process for a few more years (ten?) until I was able fully step into who I am in the world today.

    The wonder of it all—and another cosmic gut-buster—is that the more I align with my whole self, the more the world rushes into to meet me where I am.

    I venture that if there actually were a handbook issued at birth, it might go a little like this:

    1. You are a miracle. Never forget this fact. Just the science alone is mind blowing.

    2. You are unique. No one will ever be as good at being you as you are. Seriously.

    3. You are enough. Always. Never doubt this. There is nothing to add, but feel free to expand.

    4. There is always more to learn, but that is not failure; it’s a gift. It can be fun too.

    5. Every obstacle is an opportunity to fall further into the miracle that is you.

    6. Commit to being the best version of you every day. Recalibrate definition of “best” as needed.

    7. Leave room for others when they fall off the wagon of their own miracle.

    8. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive every which way. Forgive him. Forgive her. Forgive you.

    9. Compassion is the key to forgiveness. Compassion means you feel the humanity in others.

    10.The more you forgive, the more you’ll enjoy being you, because the lighter your load will be.

    11. In the end, as in the beginning: You. Are. Amazing.

    Photo by Emilian Robert Vicol

  • You Are Lovable Whether You Are in a Relationship or Not

    You Are Lovable Whether You Are in a Relationship or Not

    Smiling

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I began this New Year as a single woman, something I had not experienced for the past five.

    Last June my boyfriend of nearly three years dropped this bomb on my world:

    “Carmen, I know you want to spend the rest of your life with me, but I can’t give that to you, because I’m gay.”

    The future I’d created for us in my mind disappeared all at once.

    I was sure I was getting an engagement ring last year and we’d be having our wedding sometime around now. As the revelation sank in, a dark cloud formed over my heart as I realized I was back to square one.

    All the things that were so easy and comfortable in this relationship had gone down the drain. I never imagined I’d have to go through another awkward first date or kiss. I was starting over.

    As per usual, it took only a week for me to move back home to North Carolina and meet someone new. I thought, “This is the reason he broke up with you. Here is the one you are supposed to be with.”

    I fell hard and fast, and even though this boy treated me like a mere option, he was my priority. I gave and gave until he dumped me in a text message on Thanksgiving.

    Meanwhile, I was also falling for my best friend, who couldn’t have been less interested in a romantic relationship with me.

    I give all this background information to show you that my heart was pulled in many directions. I gave pieces of myself to different men, and there was hardly anything left of me for me.

    Over the past few months, each time I was rejected, I thought, “You’re unlovable.” However, this could not be further from the truth.

    For the first time in five years, right now, I am completely content being single. (more…)

  • Who Are You Trying to Prove Yourself To?

    Who Are You Trying to Prove Yourself To?

    Screen shot 2013-01-14 at 12.45.05 AM

    “If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit

    Some might say that their past haunts them like old ghosts. As for me, my ghost is my childhood.

    I was raised in a moderately traditional family, as opposed to some overly traditional Chinese families where everyone lived by a thick rulebook.

    Luckily, my family was a little more lenient, which I consider a true blessing. However, I felt as though my parents held me captive inside a glass box. Whenever I thought about being chained down from what I needed, I felt a part of me die.

    I now realize that they never held the key to my escape. The horrifying truth came to light when an old, bitter anger rose up from within me a few days ago: I was my own captive.

    Like I said, my ghost is my childhood. No matter how I’d trace and redraw the lines, I’d end up with the same result.

    I was no angel as a child; in fact, I was far from it. I was a bad student, which was a big deal in my family, and my parents reacted just like any other parents would when they learned that their oldest child was being disrespectful.

    So it was no surprise when they decided that I was going to have a hard time in life, and that I was going to end up in a community college while my baby brother would head off to a big shot university and then make the big bucks. (more…)

  • Overcoming Shame at Work When You’ve Made Big Mistakes

    Overcoming Shame at Work When You’ve Made Big Mistakes

    “When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” ~ African proverb

    Hitchen’s Kitchen. It sounds like a diner straight out of a romance novel. But there I was standing in yes, the kitchen, getting my first dressing down at my first paying job.

    At sixteen I had screwed up waiting tables. I got the special of the day, swiss steak, mixed up with sirloin. And so I kept putting in tickets ordering sirloins and the cook kept on grilling them.

    And then it struck. The customers were happily eating sirloin while paying the “special of the day” prices. The owner’s profits were tanking.

    By the end of the revelation, the only thing that was sizzling louder than the sirloins was Mr. Hitchen, the owner of the diner.

    And he was scolding me—loudly. Harshly.

    I stood there absorbing his tirade. I was shocked and silent while that warm wash came over my torso. My stomach felt sick. Then came the hollowness in my chest, up to my neck where the lump in my throat sat.

    How could I shrink away? How could I get away from this feeling? I’m drowning, I’m drowning. Save me, someone. I want to disappear.

    Shame.

    The Kingpin of Destructive Emotions

    Anger. Resentment. Hurt. Fear. Sadness. None of them feels good in our body. None of them are we racing to replicate.

    However, shame is worse. It is debilitating. Immobilizing. It makes us viscerally sick. It feels like we are wearing a cloak of badness. And it shakes our soul’s foundation.

    Shame doesn’t deliver just once either. The assault is made and the shame rushes in. For me, I replay searing scenes of shame in my mind and all the sensations come acutely pouring back into my body.

    As if the first showing wasn’t enough. No, we get the sequel of shame, too.  (more…)