Tiny Buddha

Tag: worth

  • What I Now Know About Rejection and How It’s Set Me Free

    What I Now Know About Rejection and How It’s Set Me Free

    “If someone does not want me, it is not the end of the world. But if I do not want me, the world is nothing but endings.” ~Nayyirah Waheed

    Rejection means a lot of things to a lot of different people. To healthcare professionals, it may mean immunological incompatibility, a body not accepting a transplanted tissue or organ. To a couple that wants to adopt, a rejection letter can be discouraging and devastating news. To a writer, rejection can come in the form of submitting your precious work that you slaved over to a publisher and being told it didn’t quite make the cut.

    I struggle with rejection, and I am no stranger to it. I’ve been rejected for numerous jobs, I’ve lost out on scholarships, I’ve had friends dump me, and boys tell me they don’t like me. It’s impossible to be a human in this world and not experience rejection.

    The hardest form of rejection for me is social rejection. It hurts much more than any other form of rejection because it feels like definitive proof that there is something undeniably wrong with me. Something is wrong with me, and that has just been confirmed by someone else. All of the doubts and shame that have been floating around in my brain finally become real.

    They only invited you to the party because they felt sorry for you. You aren’t cool enough to date that person. Your friends only tolerate you. Who do you think you are? They were bound to find out eventually.

    This fear of rejection has caused more consequences for me than the actual act of rejection itself. This often happens in life, the fear of something being more potent and powerful than the thing we are actually afraid of.

    It’s the anxiety of going to the dentist resulting in sleepless nights and panic attacks. Then when you get there, you realize that it takes thirty minutes and all you need is a routine clean.

    It’s lying in bed at night going over potential disastrous scenarios of your public speech or work presentation, creating a spiral of panic and dread.

    It’s avoiding going to parties, dates, and events because you’d rather avoid any sort of risk, even if it means missing out on the rewards.

    It’s common knowledge that being thirteen years old is one of the worst stages of life for most of us. You feel awkward in your body, your self-esteem is at an all-time low, and you feel misunderstood by the world, especially your parents.

    When I was thirteen, my family decided to move up north to a small beach town, and I started a new school. It was a Christian school that had a shining reputation. I naturally expected it to be filled with loving and kind Christian kids who would accept me with open arms. This was not the case.

    Thirteen-year-old boys are cruel. They immediately heard my Canadian accent and constantly mocked me for it. Growing up, girls are told that when boys are mean to you it’s because they like you. With that mentality, it’s not that surprising that so many women choose to stay with men who treat them like garbage. I’m not sure if these boys had crushes on me, or they just saw an awkward ginger girl who was very out of place and decided to pounce.

    The girls, on the other hand, already had established friendship groups and were not looking to expand, especially to a girl who didn’t fit their cookie cutter Christian image.

    Apart from my very obvious physical differences, I also had very different views to the kids and teachers at the school. I was brought up in a Christian family, but I was still allowed to make up my own mind about issues in the world.

    Being a lost thirteen-year-old who felt very disconnected and dislocated, I gravitated toward the world of feminism and social justice. Sexism and misogyny enraged me, and I found an online community of other women who weren’t afraid to speak their truth and challenge the status quo. It became my whole world, because I had nothing else to subscribe to.

    I was outspoken about my beliefs. I was a proud feminist, I was pro-choice, and I supported LGBT rights. All of these things were completely taboo and blasphemous at the school I went to. I was immediately considered to be the “bad egg,” further ostracizing me from the rest of the school.

    My only friend was Emma, my one shining light in a sea of hostility and judgment. We were kindred spirits, and we felt like it was us against the world. Due to our closeness, rumors started that we were lesbians (the worst sin you could commit at a Christian school, clearly). I remember one kid refusing to share his food with me because I was gay, and another kid spitting on me during P.E class.

    This was the first time in my life I had experienced full on social rejection, loud and clear. Of course, I had experienced exclusion and rejection before that, but never to such an extreme, and none with the clear message of “You are wrong. You do not belong here.”

    And at that vulnerable age, when I was already deeply struggling with self-esteem and teenage angst and disorientation, it had a devastating effect on me.

    I dreaded going to school, I spent lunches sitting alone in a bathroom stall, and I was constantly on the verge of tears. I didn’t even feel like the teachers accepted me or even “saw” me. Even the school counselors felt unsafe; I knew they had ulterior motives and would never truly understand what I was experiencing.

    I only lasted a year and half at that awful school, finally gaining the courage and motivation to leave after some very valuable counseling sessions from an outside source. I moved schools to a public high school, which on paper sounded rougher around the edges, but I truly thrived there.

    My grades soared, I became involved with extracurriculars, I became a prefect, I won awards and scholarships. I found lifelong friends who accepted me, and teachers who became mentors and saw the value and potential in me. I graduated feeling joyous and triumphant.

    Though I had such an awful experience at the Christian school, I had made a change and things got better. It was a confirmation that life could be good, and it wasn’t all loss and rejection.

    The thing is, even though we may feel we’ve moved on from painful experiences, they can still be triggered in our everyday lives and interactions. We can instantly be transported back to those vulnerable and lowest points of our life, and our behaviors and thoughts can still be products of that time.

    Though my schooling experience had a happy ending, I now realize that I am deeply afraid of rejection. I still have this fear inside of me that there is something inherently wrong with me, and once people find that out, they will leave me. This is only made more salient due to this clearly false belief that my suffering and my pain is unique and everyone else in the world seems to have it figured out.

    Though I know this to be logically false, because I am in my own mind, it feels so much more believable and real. Social media, especially Instagram, is known to do this. People can project any image they want out into the world. They show the highlight reel of their lives, the best of the best. They show how much fun they are having, how many friends they have, and how happy they are. How can you not be fooled by that?

    I know that we are all imperfect. We all have insecurities, anxieties, and shame. Brené Brown says “everyone has a story that will break your heart. And, if you’re really paying attention, most people have a story that will bring you to your knees.” When I am at my lowest, I am so preoccupied with my own all-encompassing suffering that I disconnect from the rest of the world.

    I forget that our pain and suffering is actually a connective tissue between us all. Fear of rejection is not a unique phenomenon that I have just discovered. It is an age-old problem that plagues so many of us. It stops us from taking risks, from being vulnerable, and from pursuing our creative passions.

    I notice this fear of rejection creeping up into so many areas of my life. I became more of an “idea” of a person than a real person. I put up barriers so that people won’t get to see the real me. I notice myself embellishing the cool aspects of my life and personality when I’m on a first date, and though we all do that naturally on a first date, I know it stems from a fear of rejection.

    If someone takes longer to reply to me than normal, or their tone changes when texting me, I interpret it as a sign that they are no longer interested or that they hate me. We all see memes about this circulating on Instagram, no doubt a coping mechanism, but it can be truly debilitating.

    The sign of a resilient person, someone whose self-esteem comes from within rather than external validation, is even when you are rejected, it doesn’t break you. You have enough self-worth to know that rejection doesn’t define you, if anything it makes you stronger. If you don’t get invited to a party, if your friends decide to not invite you out, if your Tinder date ghosts you, you are still you.

    My favorite actress/comedian Jenny Slate said in an interview, on constantly drawing and redrawing the picture of who you want to be, “You have to be limber. Every shape that you will be bent into, whether you do it to yourself or you are blown by the wind or someone comes in there and breaks you in half, is still you. No version of myself is permanent, but sometimes those bad parts are trying to fool me into thinking they are permanent.”

    I will never be able to control my life and what people think of me. There will be people who write me off before they even bother to get to know me. There will be people who treat me like sh*t simply because they can. There will be many moments that I could perceive as evidence that there is something wrong with me. But now I know that it’s not true.

    I will always be me, and I can decide if I want to treat rejection as a death sentence or a form of new life.

  • Why We Feel Like a Fraud (and How to Stop)

    Why We Feel Like a Fraud (and How to Stop)

    “I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.’” ~ Maya Angelou

    Any minute now they would find out.

    I scanned the large conference room. The twenty-six project team members around the table discussed data analysis. Their voices were muffled by the thick fog of my anxiety.

    My own throat tried to choke me, and my chest refused to expand. Sweat trickled down my side.

    Breathe, just breathe. It’s going to be okay.

    My eyes met my boss’s and he smiled at me across the room. I quickly looked down at my notes. My cheeks were burning.

    I knew what was coming.

    It would be my turn next to showcase my part of the project. I had been working on it for months. Starting early, staying late, slaving away every waking hour, perfecting every detail.

    But I couldn’t hide any longer. Couldn’t pretend any more. I would be exposed.

    In a few minutes they would discover that my efforts weren’t up to scratch. That I wasn’t good enough.

    They would listen to my presentation and their faces would darken with disappointment. They would whisper to each other in dismay and ask me questions I couldn’t answer.

    And then, someone would stand up, point at me and say, “You have no clue what you are talking about, do you? You are nothing but a fraud. A pathetic excuse for a scientist. You know nothing.”

    Any minute now.

    I clutched the edge of the table. Tears stung in my eyes and I swallowed hard. My intestines were churning.

    I had to get away.

    Leaping to my feet, I mumbled an excuse. I stumbled out of the room, heart racing, and made it to the bathroom.

    And then I cried.

    Why I Was an Imposter by Name but Not by Nature

    I eventually managed to pull myself together. I washed my face, blew my nose, took several deep breaths.

    And I returned to the fateful meeting, red-eyed and swollen. Feigning an allergic reaction to conceal my mortifying episode.

    I presented my work.

    And nothing happened. Nobody objected, interrogated, exposed. No fingers were pointed at me.

    All I saw was friendly faces and approving nods. Some people even praised the huge amount of work I put in and the high quality of my results.

    And yet, as I shuffled home that night, drained and numb, I didn’t feel like celebrating a success. Because all I could think was, “You were lucky this time. Next time they will realize that you are a fraud for sure. Then game over.”

    And right there, on a gloomy November evening of 2007, it hit me. I had a problem. It was ruining my life, destroying my confidence, and sabotaging my career.

    I had to do something about it.

    As I arrived home, I googled “feeling like a fraud at work” and discovered that I wasn’t alone. The problem seemed to be so common, there was even a name for it: imposter syndrome.

    And I displayed all the symptoms.

    I doubted myself and my abilities, believing my skills and expertise always fell short of expectations. No matter how hard I tried, my successes seemed negligible, laughable compared to others. And I could never believe anybody who told me I did a good job.

    Imposter syndrome was clearly the problem I faced. But the word “imposter” didn’t match up with what I experienced every day at the office.

    I wasn’t maliciously trying to deceive other people, tricking them into believing I was more knowledgeable, competent, and successful than I was for my own fraudulent gain.

    In fact, the opposite was true.

    I didn’t pretend to be more than I was to further my career and take advantage of innocent people. No, I was hiding my weaknesses and shortcomings as well as I could. So others wouldn’t discover my devastating secret.

    I just didn’t know it yet.

    The Reveal of the True Reason Behind My Imposter Syndrome

    For the next couple of years, I searched for a way to eradicate my imposter syndrome. I read self-help books, took personal growth courses, meditated, visualised.

    And things improved.

    After a while, the all-consuming panic of being exposed as a fraud receded. I managed to better compose myself in meetings and presentations. And I even started to accept praise here and there with an awkward smile and only a slight cringe.

    But still, the stubborn, anxious voiceover kept playing in the background of my mind, every day of my life: “You are a fraud. And, one day soon, they will find you out.”

    Frustration about being stuck in an endless self-degrading loop turned to anger about my inability to overcome my imposter syndrome. Why was I so horrified of being exposed?

    My conscious mind knew that I was doing quite well. That I was good at my work. And that, even if my failings were to be uncovered, it wouldn’t be the end of my career.

    Or my life.

    Yet, I remained terrified of that one question that would hit my blind-spot. And I anticipated the accusing finger whenever my work came under scrutiny. Because my subconscious mind believed that being exposed as my flawed self was, in fact, the end.

    I just didn’t know why.

    Until, some months later in May 2010, I participated in a group hypnotherapy session. We were asked to retrieve memories of a scene in our past where our most damaging belief originated. And while I couldn’t conjure up the past, a limiting belief shot into my brain and made me gasp.

    Because it explained all of my struggles with imposter syndrome.

    The Heartbreaking Belief That Destroyed My Life and Sabotaged My Career

    “I don’t have the right to exist.”

    The brutality of the thought broke my heart and filled my eyes with tears. Why would I believe something like this?

    But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it made sense. I constantly felt the necessity to work harder, be better, achieve more to justify my existence. To prove to myself and others that it was okay for me to stick around as long as I was useful.

    Even though I was an illegal immigrant to life.

    As long as I showed no weakness, made no mistake, and contributed more than my fair share to society, I would be tolerated. Others would overlook the fact that I shouldn’t actually exist. That I was some kind of accident, a glitch in the universal plan.

    But being exposed as anything less than perfect would result in my temporary residency in life to be revoked.

    And I knew, deep in my heart, that I wasn’t faultless, that I struggled. I only faked the perfect version of myself that fulfilled all the qualifying criteria stipulated in my provisional residence permit.

    I didn’t have the required knowledge, expertise or success to permanently occupy a space in this life.

    I was a fraud. Pretending to belong in this life when I did not. Every day, I desperately clung to the hope that I could blind everyone around me just one more day. But I lived with the constant terror that my devastating secret would be exposed.

    Sure, my conscious mind understood that my fear was irrational.

    What did I think would happen if I was exposed as a fraud with no permission to exist? Would I just cease to be? Vanish in a purple puff of smoke?

    I knew it made no sense. Yet, the believe was lodged deep inside of me. And I was about to find out why.

    The Disastrous Reason I Believed I Didn’t Have the Right to Exist

    In September 2010, I consulted an energy healer to help with my, at the time, severe anxiety. I mentioned that I struggled with imposter syndrome and the belief that I didn’t have the right to exist.

    And she looked at me and said, “Of course you do. Because you have no self-worth.”

    It was the piece of the puzzle I needed. Suddenly, it all made sense.

    I believed that I was inherently worthless. And that I didn’t have the right to exist as long as I had no worth.

    So, my entire life was a relentless pursuit of more worth. All the long hours, the hard work, all the perfecting happened in the name of worth generation. To earn the right to exist.

    But I was stuck in a vicious cycle.

    I needed to gain wealth, love, abundance to have enough worth to receive a permanent right to exist. But I wasn’t worthy enough to deserve them.

    I had to be a success, but I was terrified that achieving greatness would draw too much attention on myself. And the fact that I was alive without the proper permissions.

    So, my inherent worthlessness made it impossible to claim the right to exist. And without the right to exist, I could never achieve what I needed to earn enough worth.

    It was a hopeless, futile quest. Without prospect of a solution. And it left me only one option: to pretend, to be a fraud.

    And hope nobody would ever find out.

    The Impossible Conundrum of a Worthless Existence

    I had no clue how to dig myself out of this rut. How could I accumulate enough worth to earn the right to exist so I wouldn’t have to feel like a fraud ever again?

    I had hit a wall in my quest. There seemed to be no solution, only pointless rumination that spiralled in endless circles. Was I doomed to hide in the shadows, unable to ever rightfully claim my place in life?

    I was about to surrender to my fate as an unwanted pretender, a slave to my imposter syndrome and worthlessness. But then my daughter was born.

    And one realization changed everything.

    The Key to Unlocking Your Worth

    About three weeks after her birth, I looked at my little girl sleeping peacefully. Her chest moved in a healthy rhythm and a tiny smile played around her lips.

    My heart filled with adoration for this wonderful creation, and I knew that she was valuable. That she had every right to exist in this world and deserved all the love, happiness, and abundance this life has to offer.

    Yet, she had no achievements, no wealth or success to pay for her right to exist. She had never earned any worth. And she didn’t have to.

    Because worth was the essence of her being, the core of her true Self. She was worth personified.

    And so was I, and everybody else. Because true, inner worth cannot be destroyed. It is as constant as our cell structure, it doesn’t change when we fail, are criticized or make a mistake.

    The realization was life-changing. The sudden relief felt as if I medium-sized mountain range fell of my chest. I didn’t have to prove my worth!

    Society had taught me all my life that I needed high-flying achievements, perfection, wealth to deserve the right to exist. But they were wrong. My entire belief system that caused my struggles was flawed.

    Because the truth was that, like my little daughter, I was worth.

    As such I could never be worthless. I had the right to exist, to claim my rightful place in life and my happiness right here and now. Simply because I was alive.

    And I finally had the cure for my imposter syndrome.

    How to Stop Feeling Like a Fraud Once and for All

    So, I started to affirm: “I have the right to exist. I am worth” several times a day. Every time I felt insecure, worthless, or like a fraud, I reminded myself of my infinite, inherent worth.

    At first, my mind resisted the change. Worthlessness thinking had become a disastrous habit that my mind wasn’t willing to abandon without a fight. But I persevered.

    And eventually, over a few months, I retrained my mind. I created a new, healthier habit.

    I noticed that I didn’t feel inferior so often, that my confidence in meetings improved. I no longer felt apologetic for taking up space or bothering people. And I became less demanding of myself, lovingly accepting and respecting my limits because I knew perfection, or its absence, wouldn’t change my worth.

    And one day, I realized that the fear of being exposed if I drew too much attention to myself was gone. And without that fear, I found it easier to stand up to others and defend my opinions. I even started to acknowledge and celebrate my successes.

    Now, I am no longer terrified of the accusing finger pointing me out as an imposter. I no longer need to pretend to be more than I am. Because I know I am not a fraud.

    I am enough. From the day I was born to the day I will die, and beyond, I will have the right to exist.

    Because I am worth.

    Just like you.

  • 6 Things to Remember When You Think You Don’t Matter

    6 Things to Remember When You Think You Don’t Matter

    In a world with billions of people, in a culture that promotes being special and making a big mark, it’s easy to feel like you don’t matter.

    Maybe you’ve felt it all your life—like you have no purpose, no value, and nothing to contribute to anyone around you.

    Maybe you feel it off and on, when you’re struggling to find love or direction and think you need to somehow prove your worth.

    Or maybe you know that your life has value, but every now and then, when your head hits your pillow, you wonder if in the end, it will matter that you lived at all.

    I know what it’s like to question your worth. I grew up feeling inferior and unsure of myself, and felt lost and insignificant for many years after that. As an insecure introvert with high anxiety and low self-esteem, I simultaneously wanted to belong and hoped to find a way to stand out. So I could feel important. Valuable. Worth knowing, worth loving, worth remembering when I’m gone.

    I’m also naturally a deep thinker, which means I’ve often questioned my place in the world and the meaning of life itself.

    If you can relate to any of what I’ve wrote, I hope you’ll find some comfort in knowing…

    1. You are not alone.

    We all struggle with the question of why we’re here, if we have a purpose, and if our lives will really matter in the grand scheme of things. Google “existential crisis” and you’ll find over 4.5 million results. Search for “I don’t matter” and that number shoots up to more than 100 mil.

    On days when you feel insignificant it might seem irrelevant that others do too. And it is, if you only know, intellectually, that you’re not alone instead of truly feeling it. I know from personal experience the soul-crushing sense of separation you feel when you stuff your insecurities down and pretend you’re fine when you’re not.

    So open up. Tell someone what you’re feeling. Write in a blog post. And wait to hear “me too.” When you feel the comfort of belonging, remember that you provided that to someone else. And, that, my friend, is you mattering.

    2. Just because you think you don’t matter, that doesn’t mean it’s true.

    Thoughts aren’t facts. They’re fleeting, constantly changing, and influenced by our mood, beliefs, and early programming.

    On days when I’m at my lowest, it’s often because I’m responding to an accumulation of physical and emotional challenges, sometimes without conscious awareness.

    I’m exhausted from insufficient sleep, weakened from dehydration or poor food choices, and/or emotionally triggered by events that hit me right in my core childhood wounds. For example, maybe someone fails to respond to my email—for over a week—and this reinforces the belief I formed when mistreated as a kid: that there’s something wrong with me, and I’m not good enough and unlovable.

    Add all those things up, and I’m primed to glom on to every negative thought that floats through my brain as if it were true. But they’re not. They’re judgments, assumptions, conclusions, and interpretations, all held in place by the glue of my current mood and limited perception.

    The same is true for you. You might think you don’t matter today, and perhaps you did yesterday, and the many days before that too. But that thought doesn’t accurately reflect your reality; it merely represents your perspective in those moments. A perspective shaped by many things, some deep below the surface.

    3. When other people treat you like you don’t matter, it’s about them, not you.

    Speaking of core childhood wounds, many times when we think we don’t matter it’s partly because other people have treated us like we don’t—and possibly from the day we were born.

    If you were abused, neglected, abandoned, or oppressed, as a kid or in an adult relationship, it’s easy to conclude you somehow deserved it. But you didn’t, and you don’t. No one does.

    They didn’t treat you poorly because you are you. They did it because they are them. They didn’t treat you like you didn’t matter because you have no value. They did it because they were too caught up in their own pain and patterns to recognize and honor your intrinsic worth.

    Unfortunately, the beliefs formed through abuse are insidious because they impact not only our self-worth but our sense of identity. And it can be difficult to untangle the many intertwined threads of who we believe we are, and why. But even if you’ve just started on the long road to healing, sometimes it’s enough just to recognize you formed a negative belief based on how you were treated—and you can, in time, let it go.

    4. You don’t have to do big things to matter.

    It’s easy to feel like your life doesn’t matter if you aren’t doing something big—if you’re not saving the world, or running an empire, or traveling the globe with the hashtagged pics to prove it.

    But meaning doesn’t have to come only from accomplishments—and sometimes the most traditionally successful people are actually the most unfulfilled. If you’re too busy to enjoy the money you’ve earned, does it really have any value? If you have more followers than true friends, can you ever really feel loved?

    Big things feed the ego, there’s no doubt about it, and yes, they make an impact. But when you reflect on the people who’ve mattered most to you personally, is it a CEO you visualize? Or a celebrity? Or a medalist? I’m guessing it might be a teacher, or a grandparent, or even someone who entered your life only briefly yet had a profound influence on the path you took simply because they listened and truly cared.

    Not everyone can be someone everyone knows, but everyone can be someone who someone else loves.

    5. You’ve made a difference to far more people than you likely realize.

    Since we’re in the thick of the holiday season, it seems appropriate to cite one of my favorite movies, the classic It’s a Wonderful Life. Cliché, I know, but fitting, nonetheless.

    When George Bailey was standing on a bridge in a whirlwind of snow, with a bottle of booze and a brain full of regrets, he had no idea just how many people he’d impacted over the years through tiny acts of love and kindness.

    He saw his life as a montage of failures and missed opportunities, when, to others, he was the light that led them home on a dark, scary night. And he may never have known it if life hadn’t provided a compelling reason for people to rally around with support.

    Let’s face it, life is often hard for most of us. We’re all healing our own wounds, dealing with our own day-to-day struggles, caught up in a web of our own dramas. And we all have a negativity bias, which means most of us spend more time scanning our environment for potential threats than recognizing and appreciating our blessings.

    You are someone’s blessing, and probably have been many times over. You’ve said the right thing at just the right time, without even realizing they needed to hear it. You’ve offered a smile when someone else felt lonely, without realizing you eased their pain. You’ve been someone’s friend, their resource, their champion, their safe space, their inspiration, and their hope. To you, it was just a text, but it helped them hold it together. To you, it was just a hug, but it kept them from falling apart.

    As someone once said (but I’m not sure who), “Never think you don’t have an impact. Your fingerprints can’t be wiped away from the little marks of kindness that you’ve left behind.”

    6. You matter to people you haven’t met yet (or who weren’t even born yet).

    It’s easy to feel like you don’t matter if you don’t have people in your life who reflect your worth—friends, family, a significant other; anyone who values you and shows, through their words and actions, that they want and need you in their life.

    But just because you don’t feel important to anyone right now, that doesn’t mean you never will. There are people you’ve yet to meet whose life highlight reel will get better in the middle or at the end because that’s when you came in. There are friends you’ve yet to make who will finally feel like they have family because you’ve filled a hole no one else could fill. And maybe one day a pair of tiny arms will squeeze you tight and remind you that you matter more to them than anyone else ever could.

    The story of your life is only partially written, and there are leading roles yet to be cast. If your current scene feels lonely or empty, remember that every great story brings a protagonist to the lowest low before catapulting them to the highest heights.

    —

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years of running this site, it’s that beliefs precede actions, which then confirm beliefs. If you believe you don’t matter, you likely won’t do anything that could matter, and then you’re all the more likely to feel unimportant and alone.

    But if you hold onto any of what I wrote above, you’ll be far more likely to do something with your life—or even just with your day—that could make a difference for the people around you.

    Maybe you’ll offer someone an ear or a hand or a piece of your heart or create something that helps or heals.

    And in that moment when you see your impact, you’ll realize what it truly means to matter: to know your value and create a little more love and light in the world by giving it away as often as you can.

  • It’s More Important to Be Authentic Than Impressive

    It’s More Important to Be Authentic Than Impressive

    “The most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves is to remain ignorant by not having the courage to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~Pema Chödrön

    All my life I’ve chased after success, as I was encouraged to do from a very young age.

    When I was six, my father got me my first proper study desk as a gift for getting into a ‘good’ school. The type of desk that towered over a little six-year-old—complete with bookshelves and an in-built fluorescent light. In the middle of the shelf frame stuck a white sticky label inscribed with my father’s own handwriting in two languages. It read: “Work hard for better progress.”

    Little did I know those words would set the tone for me and my work ethic for the next twenty years—until I finally began to question them.

    Hard work became my ‘safe space’ whenever I felt insecure. When I struggled to make friends at a new school, felt rejected, or felt like I didn’t belong, I would put my head down and drown out my emotions out by working hard. It became my coping strategy.

    My younger self didn’t yet have the emotional resources to deal with moving around, changing schools, and facing social rejection. When it became too painful, it was much easier to stay in my head than to feel vulnerable with my heart.

    So, whenever I struggled to fit in at school, I just worked harder with the misguided belief that if I did well, then I would be celebrated. If I became impressive, then people would finally accept and like me.

    And of course, my parents encouraged this behavior. I was rewarded for my hard work and I got good results for it too.

    But outside of my home, nobody seemed to care about my results. I still wasn’t fitting in at school. I still didn’t have many friends. My strategy didn’t seem to be working.

    So I worked even harder.

    By the time I graduated from University, I had completely bought into society’s definition of being ‘impressive’ without even questioning it once. If it was a prize everyone wanted, I wanted it too.

    My definition of being ‘impressive’ expanded to include looking good, dressing well, staying fit, and making good money in a highly-competitive field, even if I had zero passion for that profession.

    By then, I’d long forgotten the reasons why I wanted to work hard to be impressive in the first place, other than “That’s just who I am.”

    I was drifting further and further away from my true self, and I didn’t even know it.

    For the next ten years, I spent a lot of my waking hours working as a financial analyst, studying for more degrees and certification, and chasing after the next shiny thing so I could sound even more impressive to others. Plus, I was making a decent income while doing so. Tick.

    While on the surface I ticked a lot of those “impressive” boxes I had set out for myself, on the inside I felt emptier than ever. On the outside I looked successful, but on the inside, I felt like a complete failure.

    What Happens When Your True Self Calls You to Come Back

    Cracks started to emerge both in my work and in myself. It became challenging to fully show up for work as I increasingly asked myself: “What am I doing here?”

    A soft inner voice whispered, “It’s time to get out of here, you’re not meant to be in finance. What are you doing here?” So I began questioning what I was doing with my life. I mean, if not that, what was I meant to do? I’d invested so much of my time and energy into my profession; I couldn’t just change directions. And who was this voice anyway? Where was it coming from?

    My fake enthusiasm became harder and harder to keep up. This sinking feeling became more visceral by the day, and the feeling of not belonging in my workplace became increasingly obvious.

    Yet I swallowed those feelings down with gritted teeth and kept pushing. Because what else was I meant to do if not keep persisting?

    When I suddenly got fired it was an abrupt wakeup call. I needed to challenge everything I believed in and confront those big questions I’d put off answering for so long: “Who am I really?” and “What am I really about?”

    What I Learned Through My Four-Year Journey of Self-Discovery

    I spent the next couple of years immersing myself in a whole range of subjects that covered different angles on self-knowledge, in an attempt to answer the question “Who am I?”

    For most of my seeking, I was still trying to find answers as if they resided outside of me. I was still trying to find where I belonged professionally.

    But what started as a business journey quickly morphed into an inner-transformational journey that became deeply personal.

    This deep inner work allowed me to reconnect to my internal guidance system and my true self once more.

    Through this process I was able to take a good look at myself, confront my shadow side, heal my wounds of rejection, and forgive everyone involved, including myself.

    As I’ve come home to my true self, I’ve realized a few things about the cost of chasing impressiveness:

    When we chase after something external, we lose self-connection.

    When I heard that soft, loving voice inside my head, it was a small glimpse of spiritual awakening. It was a momentary connection to my inner mentor’s light that seeped through my deep dark fog of disconnection.

    We all have our own inner mentor, but we have choose to listen to it instead of trying to be who we think we’re supposed to be.

    When we trust others more than we trust ourselves, we can end up giving our personal power away.

    If we believe that the answers we seek lie outside of ourselves, we can forget to check in to see what’s true for us each individually. The more weight we put on other people’s opinions, the less we trust our own inner knowing.

    People can only speak to what they know based on their own perspective, background, and life experiences. When we allow other people’s opinions to overpower the choices our true selves would otherwise make, we end up giving away our personal power.

    I’ve found that it doesn’t matter how many well-meaning opinions we get; we need to find what resonates with us the most by checking in with our inner authority—which means going against what we learned growing up, when we were trained to ignore our inner voice and do what we were told.

    The pursuit of ‘impressiveness’ is a hunger that can never be satisfied.

    When we keep chasing after ‘impressiveness,’ we are in fact on a hedonic treadmill of always wanting more. As soon as we achieve one thing, we fixate on the next. We keep wanting bigger, better, and more.

    As soon as we attain or do something, suddenly what we have isn’t good enough anymore, and so we must now keep up. We fall into the comparison trap. The external goalpost keeps moving. We keep looking over our shoulders to see how we’re tracking against everyone, and it becomes a tireless pursuit of keeping up with the Joneses with no real end in sight.

    Every ‘win’ is temporary.

    We mistakenly see ‘impressiveness’ as proof that we’re worthy of love.

    When we chase after ‘impressiveness’ we’re really chasing after validation, approval, and a sense of belonging. We think, “If I can be impressive then I can be accepted.” We want others to look up to us, praise us, and ultimately, love us.

    However, the pursuit gets dangerous when we buy into the false belief that we have to work hard in order to prove we are worthy of love; that we need to become ‘impressive’ through our accomplishments and produce tangible proof of our worthiness.

    I’ve noticed that a lot of high achievers, like myself, have bought into this belief, possibly due to the achievement-oriented upbringing we were exposed to from a very young age.

    The danger is that it can become an acquisition addiction, and an arms race to get more degrees, more cars, more houses, more shoes, more toys, and so on.

    We can become addicted to buying ‘cool’ things to impress other people, or work ourselves to the bone just to get those long lists of accolades instead of recognizing that we are inherently worthy of love. Regardless of what we have or have achieved.

    We risk losing our individuality.

    When we chase after external validation and approval, we compromise who we really are in exchange for more respect, more likes, more kudos from our peers. We showcase a more curated, ‘acceptable’ version of ourselves to the world, and we hide other parts of ourselves that we think might be rejected by others. Even worse, we end up chasing after things we don’t even really want.

    Some of us inherit strong beliefs about what ‘success’ means and some of us strive toward pre-approved categories of impressiveness as defined by society, without checking in once to see whether these pathways to ‘success’ fit in with our true selves.

    In the end, we lose our individuality—the essence of who we really are.

    It requires self-connection to recognize what is true for us versus what is conditioned into us. It requires even more courage to step outside of these pre-approved paths to ‘impressiveness’ and live a life that aligns with our true selves.

    How to Reclaim Your Authentic Self

    I’ve discovered that breaking free from the illusion of ‘impressiveness’ and reclaiming your true self is really a constant two-step dance between recognition and courage.

    1. Recognition

    To reclaim your authentic self you have to recognize that you have disconnected from who you really are in the first place. Your achievements, your accomplishments, all the cool stuff that you own, and even your toned physique—they’re not who you really are.

    2. Courage to be your true self

    We have to have courage to stand in our truth and be our authentic selves. Recognition alone is not enough. For many of us, it’s the fear of disapproval that holds us back from stepping out of those curated, pre-approved categories that we have created for ourselves, and fully owning who we are, in all our beautiful, strange glory.

    My wish is that this becomes your permission slip to fully step into who you really are and own it. Being your true self requires tremendous courage, but it’s worth it. And having the courage to fully embrace your true individuality in all its quirkiness? That’s impressive.

  • How to Be Like a Tree: Still, Strong, and Uniquely Beautiful

    How to Be Like a Tree: Still, Strong, and Uniquely Beautiful

    “This oak tree and me, we’re made of the same stuff.” ~Carl Sagan

    I was hugging trees long before it was cool.

    Recent research suggests that spending time in nature can reduce your blood pressure, heart rate, and stress level, not to mention cut down your risk of type II diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and premature death.

    But when I began hugging trees, it was an undeniably weird thing to do.

    I risked the odd looks of strangers, however, because trees felt so calm and welcoming to me. When I wrapped my arms around their broad trunks, it felt like I was being gathered into the protective embrace of a beloved elder, as if their steadfastness imparted strength, and their rootedness helped me find my own solid ground.

    Recently, however, I’ve realized that their benefits extend far beyond momentary stress relief; it’s from trees that I’ve learned the most powerful lessons about how to deal with chronic depression and anxiety.

    Here are the biggest and most unexpected things I’ve learned so far from trees:

    1. When in doubt, don’t do.

    Every time I hug a tree, I’m struck by how still it is. There’s a silence, a spaciousness, and a total lack of movement that boggles my mind.

    I mean, it can’t be easy to be a tree. If you’re not getting enough sunlight, you can’t just pick up and walk a few steps to the right. If some animal builds its home too close to your roots, you can’t do anything to move it.

    I, on the other hand, respond to any perceived threat by jumping into action. That’s the nature of my anxiety; when I’m afraid, I want to do something—anything.

    But because I’m not acting out of clarity or wisdom, and because listening to fear makes the fear grow stronger, almost every action I take just makes things worse.

    Like the time when I was anxious about leaving my therapist because I was about to move back to Atlanta after fifteen years away. Jumping into action, I decided to go off my anti-depressant medication before I left so I would have her help, but I did it at a time when I was also changing careers, starting a business, and getting ready to move cross-country. Needless to say, it made a difficult time even harder for me.

    When I don’t get the results that I want, I feel even more out of control, my anxiety grows—along with my compulsion to act—and the negative cycle reinforces itself.

    Trees show me how to break this cycle by demonstrating the value of not doing.

    When I’m smart enough to imitate a tree, I get still. I feel. I listen.

    When I do this for long enough, one of three things happens: Either the problem resolves itself, or a wise response becomes clear to me, or I realize that it wasn’t really a problem in the first place.

    2. Support all of life.

    I’m often awed by how much trees give to the creatures around them, from the moss that grows on their bark, to the birds and squirrels they feed and shelter, to the humans who breathe their oxygen and enjoy their shade.

    When I’m depressed and anxious, I usually feel both overwhelmed by my own misery and guilty that I don’t have the resources to give more to others.

    It’s another negative cycle whereby my misery makes me unable to focus on anything or anybody else, which causes me to feel horribly self-centered, which makes me feel even more wretched and less able to give. What makes things even worse is that supporting others is one of the few things I’ve found that reliably helps me feel better.

    The effortless generosity of trees offers a way out.

    When trees have something to give, they share it with everyone, no matter how small or undeserving. But they don’t beat themselves up for not having acorns in the spring, or leaves in the winter. They simply extend whatever’s there to extend.

    Sometimes all I have to give is an apology for not being more considerate. Other times it’s a smile, or appreciation for someone’s support. Over time, if I give what I have, I have more to give, but the key is never to believe that it should be more than it is.

    That way, I can support all life, including my own.

    3. Don’t be afraid to get big.

    I’ve never been one to take up too much space.

    I’m talking physically: I’m over six feet tall and always felt awkward jutting up above most of the people around me, so I subconsciously slouched and made myself smaller.

    But I’m talking emotionally and relationally as well: I never used to like to call attention to myself, ask for what I needed, or speak up about my opinions. I went out of my way not to negatively impact anybody else, even if that meant sacrificing my own happiness or well-being.

    After years of always making other people’s needs and opinions more important than my own, it was hard not to feel depressed, helpless, and hopeless. By that point, however, making myself small wasn’t so much a choice as a well-ingrained habit.

    When I began to hang out with trees more, I started to notice how unapologetic they are about the space that they take up. They don’t worry that growing tall will cause somebody else to feel inadequate, or that stretching their limbs out wider will mean they’re taking up too much room. They just are who they are. When I stood next to them, I could feel their expansiveness begin to bloom in my own chest.

    Acting on this newfound sensation, I gave myself permission to get big. When I needed something, I asked for it. When I had an idea, I shared it. When I wanted something, I moved toward it. Not worrying about how others might perceive me, I stood tall and enjoyed the unique view.

    The best part is, after a long time of feeling powerless over anxiety and depression, I finally saw that I was bigger than either of them.

    4. Being crooked is beautiful.

    I’ve made plenty of wrong turns in my life.

    I used to feel ashamed that I had ten jobs over ten years before finally finding one that felt like a fit. Or that I had so many failed relationships before getting married nearly a decade after most of my friends. Or that fear made me wait twenty-five years to write a second novel when I knew after finishing my first at age twelve that I was born, in part, to write.

    Most of us (including myself) tend to think that the straight path is the best one. We beat up on ourselves for our false starts and slow progress.

    But have you ever noticed how beautiful trees are? And how crooked?

    I’ve come to believe that it’s precisely because of their odd angles and unexpected curves that trees appear so graceful. A tree made of straight lines would hold no appeal.

    Looking back, I can see that every job I had taught me more about what I wanted and brought me one step closer to work that I loved. Every relationship prepared me in some small way to be with the man I would eventually marry. And every time I negated my desire to write, that desire grew stronger, and I had more material to work with once I finally was ready to say yes to the call.

    We can’t undo our wrong turns, but we can appreciate their gnarled beauty.

    5. It doesn’t matter who you are.

    When I was younger, I thought that it was what I did that made me worthy. I pushed myself hard to do well in school, excel in sports, and achieve as much as I could.

    Eventually that strategy led to an unsavory mix of perfectionism, anxiety, and depression. Desperate, I got help from others and re-evaluated my beliefs. I soon concluded that it wasn’t what I did but who I was that mattered.

    At first this new belief seemed helpful, but eventually it brought its own set of anxieties. I was trying my hardest, but was I really calm enough? Or kind enough? Or wise enough?

    Then one day when I was hugging a tree, I tapped into a truth that made such questions irrelevant.

    I’d just gotten curious about what a tree’s energy felt like. Opening up to it, I was immediately flooded by a sense of expansive serenity. Peaceful as it was, it was also vibrant and strong. Welcoming and warm, it pulled me in. Suddenly I felt as if I were filled with, made of, and surrounded by sunlight.

    The energy was coming from the tree, but I realized that I could feel it because it was stirring something already within me. In other words, the tree and I shared the same true nature. Beneath my body, beneath my personality, and beneath my small identifications, I am this beautiful energy. So are you. So are we all.

    Unified in this way with every other living thing in the world, even I have to admit that the idea of being unworthy doesn’t make any sense. It’s not only irrelevant; it’s impossible.

    That’s when I realized that the magic lies not in what we do or even who we are, but in what we are, and how often we remember that.

  • How to Make Your Life Matter (Even If It Lacks Purpose and Direction)

    How to Make Your Life Matter (Even If It Lacks Purpose and Direction)

    “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

    “Calm yourself down. It’s okay. All is well.”

    I clung to the sterile white table while the laboratory was spinning around me.

    “It’s just an anxiety attack. It will be over soon.”

    I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, forcing my lungs to expand against the tightness in my chest. Cold sweat trickled down my spine as I battled the all-consuming feelings of overwhelm, panic, and disappointment.

    My life was going nowhere.

    How had this happened? I thought I had a plan.

    I had chosen a promising career in science to make a positive contribution. I’d dedicated myself to changing the world, gaining recognition, and creating a legacy. So my life would matter.

    And yet, I felt empty. Aimless. Unhappy.

    I was stuck in a pointless treadmill of work, eat, sleep, repeat. I had no social life, no hobbies or passions. I focused solely on my research, hoping to enrich other people’s lives.

    But instead, I added to pharmaceutical companies’ profits. I made no difference to anybody. And I was way behind in my career compared to other people my age.

    I lay awake at night, disillusioned and frustrated, beating myself up for my miserable failure, drowning in hopelessness, anxiety, and worries.

    What if I died tomorrow without leaving a mark on the world? Vanished without a trace, my insignificant life instantly forgotten?

    What if my existence was meaningless?

    I stood in the middle of the deserted lab, tears streaming down my face. Everybody else had left to enjoy their evening. Their lives had direction, happiness, purpose. They counted.

    What was wrong with me?

    As despair washed over me, I knew I couldn’t go on like this. I had to find my true purpose in life. Before it was too late.

    My Hopeless Search for Purpose and Direction

    After my fateful (and humiliating) breakdown in the lab, I embarked on a quest to find my true purpose, determined to make my life matter.

    I studied countless blog posts, articles, and self-help books. Desperate to discover the secret to filling my life with meaning, I absorbed every piece of information available on the topic.

    Most writers agreed that we have to focus on the things we love, and use them to contribute to society.

    The problem was that I had concentrated all my time and effort on pursuing an academic career. It had seemed a sensible choice at the time, with excellent prospects of achieving purpose and impact. But it had never been my passion.

    And I was now at a dead end, without a clue about what I loved, because my whole life was purpose-driven.

    I never went for a walk in the sun unless I could pick up some shopping on the way. I never spent time in the garden unless I could pull out some weeds at the same time. And I had abandoned my favorite hobbies of jigsaw puzzles and crochet because I thought they were useless activities.

    I felt guilty and lazy when I wasted precious time on them. Time that could be spent doing something productive and significant.

    For months, I obsessed over finding something I loved that also had purpose, but nothing I felt passionate about seemed important enough to lend meaning to my life.

    Growing more anxious, frustrated, and desperate by the day, I prepared myself to settle for an unfulfilling half-life, devoid of purpose, meaning, and direction. Maybe I had no purpose; maybe my life was too irrelevant to matter.

    But then, a thought popped into my mind that changed everything.

    What if the crucial question wasn’t “What’s my purpose in life?” but “Why is having purpose so important to me?”

    My True Motivation for Seeking Purpose in Life

    Having purpose enriches us. Knowing we can use our gifts to improve our community, better society, and enhance people’s lives, we experience joy. A deep feeling of satisfaction, connection, and fulfillment.

    But, as I dug deeper, I discovered that none of this really motivated my relentless search. At least not primarily.

    The truth was that I so desperately sought purpose in my life because, somehow, I believed that I had to justify my existence.

    It was as if I didn’t deserve to live if I didn’t have a purpose. As if I was unworthy of love and happiness until I could offer something useful to the world—until I had important achievements and contributions to show for myself, and was somehow special, somehow more.

    So, the pursuit of purpose became the sole purpose of my life. And my failure to identify what could give my life meaning left me feeling pointless, stressed, and ashamed.

    All because of one devastating misunderstanding.

    The Tragic Reason Why We Obsess About Our Purpose

    I spent my entire life chasing my purpose—desperate to achieve the one important contribution to mankind that would make me special, that would earn me recognition and approval and justify my existence—because, deep down, I believed that I was worthless.

    I considered myself an empty vessel, devoid of value and significance. I assumed that I had to gain worth through my accomplishments, successes, and qualifications. That I needed purpose and a clear direction in order to gain some worth and finally deserve happiness.

    The absence of purpose in my life created a painful worth deficit. I felt inferior to others who made valuable contributions and earned admiration, approval, and status.

    I mattered less. I was irrelevant because I was useless to society.

    It was my perceived lack of worth that made me feel empty and meaningless. And the only cure I could see was to find that extraordinary purpose that would make me worthy.

    So, I searched more and worked harder. I sacrificed every activity that didn’t seem meaningful and important enough to increase my worth, irrespective of how much I loved it.

    Foregoing all joy, I burnt myself out hunting for my purpose. So I could prove that my life mattered. So I could convince the world of my worth—and my right to exist.

    In the process, I missed the purpose of my life altogether.

    The Empowering Secret to Living a Worthy Life

    I thought I would never be useful enough to have worth, which meant my life would never matter, but I was wrong.

    And I realized it on the day I first cradled my newborn daughter. Looking down at the tiny bundle in my arms, there was no doubt in my mind that she was worth. That she deserved all the happiness and love in the world.

    Yet, she had no accomplishments to her name. She’d made no contributions to mankind and society. She had no concept of purpose, goals, or direction.

    Yet she mattered, simply because she existed.

    In this very moment I understood that we cannot have worth. It’s not something we earn, gain, or lose.

    Worth is the essence of our being. An absolute, inherent, unchangeable part of who we are.

    We are worth personified. Every one of us is 100% worth. From the day we are born to the day we die. And beyond.

    Having a purpose, a goal to work toward, can enhance our life, add to our happiness, and enable us to contribute to the world. But it won’t change anything about our worth, which is unconditional, unlimited, and independent of our actions.

    Success, accomplishment, and focused direction won’t increase our worth. And failure cannot diminish it.

    Because we are worth. We are wonderful expressions of life. And as such, we matter.

    Finding a Way Out of Worthlessness

    And so, five years after the day in the lab that started my journey, I abandoned my unhealthy quest for purpose and focused on accepting my true, inner worth instead.

    Countless times a day I affirmed: “I am worth.”

    I reminded myself of my infinite worth every time I felt useless. I repeated the affirmation when I struggled with my meaningless, aimless existence. And I tried to remember the truth whenever I beat myself up for not being important enough.

    At first my mind resisted, stressed by the change of priorities.

    Too many years it had held the belief that I was worthless, and that purpose was a prerequisite for worth and, ultimately, happiness.

    I ignored it as well as I could, stubbornly affirming my worth, over and over again.

    And step by step, day by day, my understanding of my true worth grew, and the compulsive need for purpose weakened.

    Until one day I was liberated. I felt free to explore my passions, enjoy all my unproductive hobbies, and fill my entire house with crochet doilies. Without guilt, without feeling I was wasting my time on idle indulgences.

    I even found joy in my profession as a scientist once the crushing pressure to achieve, outperform, and impress had been lifted. Once I no longer expected it to give me purpose.

    And I could relax. Knowing that, sooner or later, some purpose would reveal itself to me, without having to be forced, simply because I was focusing on the things I loved.

    The Liberating True Purpose of Your Life

    When I was convinced of my inherent worthlessness, I sought purpose as a means to deserve happiness, while I abandoned the things that actually made me happy because they lacked purpose!

    Looking back, the irony makes me cringe.

    I now believe the purpose of life is to be happy. To grow, thrive, and experience life to the full. To worry less about our achievements, productivity, and the meaning of our life and to prioritize the things we enjoy.​ Even if they serve no purpose at all.

    Because the only way to make your life matter is to make it matter to you. To know your true worth and contribute your unique perspective to this world.

    So, be kind and compassionate. Take care of your loved ones, and yourself.

    Help and support others. Not because you have to earn worth, but because you want to improve their lives.

    And do what you love as often as you can. Walk in the sun, sit on the beach, lie in the grass. Just because it feels good.

    Do it without feeling guilty or beating yourself up for the lack of purpose. Without fear over whether you are important enough, useful enough, influential, significant, or deserving enough.

    Because, at the end of the day, purpose can add to your happiness, but it’s not a prerequisite for it. You don’t need a mission, purpose, a direction for your life to be worth living.

    You don’t have to justify your existence or prove your worth. Not to your parents or your family; not to your friends, your boss, or society.

    Not even to yourself.

    Because you are worth personified. You matter. Right here, right now.

    And as long as you enjoy walking your path, no matter how aimlessly, your life has meaning.

  • There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Single: Releasing the Shame and Stigma

    There’s Nothing Wrong With Being Single: Releasing the Shame and Stigma

    “Single is no longer a lack of options, but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out.” ~Mandy Hale

    In our society, being single is still heavily stigmatized. Being single is often perceived as something out of the norm. It is more acceptable to be part of a couple (even a dysfunctional one!) than it is to be single. And it is even more acceptable to be divorced than it is to be single.

    Unfortunately, our society makes us believe that being single is wrong, and your goal should be to find someone to be in a relationship with. Then and only then are you complete, happy, and more acceptable socially.

    Many single people feel lots of shame around being single. They feel like it’s their fault. They feel like there is something wrong with them. They feel like a failure.

    This societal pressure makes single people invest themselves in the wrong relationships, just to feel accepted.

    The reality is that being single is about being in a relationship with yourself. It is the most intimate relationship you will ever experience in your life. Being in a relationship with yourself should feel like the most natural thing, but it’s often regarded as an uncomfortable one. We find it easier to be with others than to be with ourselves. How crazy is that?

    I also want to add that it’s normal and healthy to want companionship. We want to connect with others. We are social animals. We are meant to be with others. Let’s not deny it.

    The problem starts when your desire to be in a relationship is fueled by the discomfort of being with yourself. The desperation for another person to save you from being single will only create more drama in your love life.

    That’s why it is so important to break thought the conditioning and become a happy single before you start looking for love.

    Ever since I can remember, I struggled with being single. I struggled with my status because I believed this collective conditioning around being single.

    I believed that it’s more socially acceptable to be in a relationship. I believed that there must be something wrong with me if I hadn’t found my life partner by the time I reached my thirties. That I was broken, less of a human being, and not complete, all because I was single.

    For the majority of my life, I desperately wanted to change my relationship status and escape all those thoughts and beliefs.

    I was ashamed of it. I felt like I hadn’t made it in life, because I couldn’t find a partner.

    I didn’t lke being on my own. I didn’t like being alone. I didn’t like having too much time on my hands.

    I used to make sure I had plans every weekend and I didn’t spend too much time in my own company, because it felt uncomfortable.

    I had plenty of friends. I always made sure I had plenty of things to do. I always made sure my diary was full of crap, all so I didn’t have to face myself.

    I became a compulsive dater. For a decade, my only goal was to find the love of my life, because I so desperately didn’t want to be single.

    I thought I was running away from being single, but I learned that all I was doing was running away from myself. And as you know, if there is one guaranteed thing in life, it’s the fact that you will spend it all with yourself! There is no way out. There is no escape. You can’t run away from yourself.

    At some point, I needed to realise that and see the truth. And I did.

    One summer morning, I woke up after one too many dates and decided that enough was enough.

    I couldn’t stand the emotional pain of falling for the wrong guys, being ghosted on a regular basis, and failing to find true love.

    I had enough of dating. I had enough of running away from myself. I had enough of chasing love, all so I could change my relationship status and feel proud for a moment that I had managed to attract a guy!

    This was a brave moment. For the first time in my life, I was brave enough to face myself. I was brave enough to say, “Stop.” I stopped the distractions like the dating, the over-active social life, the full diary, the life without a still moment.

    And that was when I started my search for the truth.

    That was the moment I started to question all the lies and beliefs that didn’t serve me.

    I discovered that my truth was that I am enough without a relationship.

    I don’t need a relationship to justify my worth to the world. I am whole and complete without a man. It is up to me to decide how I choose to live my life as a single, and how happy I am with it.

    I liberated myself from the collective conditioning, from believing that there was something wrong with me and that I needed to be in a relationship to be happy.

    Here are a few mind-set shifts that can help you find your truth about being single:

    1. Stop identifying with your relationship status.

    You are not your relationship. Your relationship status doesn’t define you as a person. Your single status doesn’t mean anything other than the one true fact: you haven’t found the right person yet. Always remember that, whether you are single or married, you are the same magnificent being. This is constant in your life. Your relationship status will change throughout your life, but your intrinsic worth shouldn’t.

    2. Know your worth.

    Your worth doesn’t come from the outside. Your worth doesn’t come with a relationship, a partner, or a wedding ring on your finger.

    For so long, so much of my own worth was attached to my relationship status. This was the very reason I suffered as a single. For some reason, I believed I would be a better and more accomplished person if I had a boyfriend. My worthiness depended on it. So, for as long as I didn’t have a boyfriend, I felt useless about myself.

    But your true worth comes from within. Your true worth is intrinsic. You were born worthy and good enough. Nothing external can add to your true worthiness, and nothing external can take away from your worthiness. You are worthy just the way you are.

    3. There is nothing wrong with you.

    The only reason why you are single is you haven’t met the right person yet. End of the story. It’s not because you are not attractive enough, not educated enough, people don’t find you interesting, you need to lose weight, you need to get a new job, or anything else you can think of to disparage yourself.

    Don’t build a negative story that will make you feel miserable. Accept the truth and end there. The only reason you are single is the absence of the right person in your life, not because there is something wrong with you.

    4. It’s not your fault.

    Stop blaming yourself. Stop beating yourself up. It’s not your fault that you are single. If you met the right person, you would be in a relationship now, right? So why feel ashamed of something out of your control? Being single doesn’t make you right or wrong. It is just what it is. Just accept that the time hasn’t come yet, and enjoy your life until it does. Live it to the full!

    5. Rise above collective conditioning.

    The collective conditioning is so wrong, but it’s also strong and deeply ingrained. That’s why it’s difficult to see beyond it and believe the opposite. Regardless of your relationship status, you must rise above it and value yourself.

    We as a society have created this massive collective belief that being single is difficult and must be miserable, which is based on our biggest fear—the fear of being lonely. But relationships can be difficult too. It’s entirely possible to feel miserable in a relationship.

    Once you have befriended your solitude, you will see the truth of the experience. Being single can be as awesome as you make it. You are in charge of how you want to use your time as a single.

    6. Stop glorifying relationships.

    Being in a relationship is not better than being single. Being single or married is not better or worse. They both come with different challenges, lessons, and benefits. They challenge us in different ways. It’s all about embracing your current challenges and enjoying the benefits. If you learn that while you are single, you will be able to apply the same philosophy in your future relationship, especially when it becomes challenging.

    7. Stay true to yourself.

    Staying true to yourself is about self-respect. It’s about respecting your values and standards. It’s about making choices based on what you truly want rather than caving to others’ expectations. It’s better to stay single and go for what you truly deserve in love than it is to settle for less and waste time with the wrong people, and lose yourself in the process.

    Staying true to yourself will help you feel more independent, confident, and happy. But it also means that sometimes you will feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. It won’t be easy all the time. But what is worse would be doing something against yourself and betraying your values.

    —

    Being single happened to be the most transformational period of my life. It can bring a transformation to your life too if you start living it more intentionally as a single.

    Being single can be fun. Being single can be explorative. Being single can be expansive and happy.

    It’s up to you what you make of it and what you choose to believe.

    If you want to start changing how you feel about being single, start exploring the stories you tell yourself.

    Our stories are very powerful. When you repeat a story regularly, it becomes your truth and you start to believe it.

    Examine what being single means to you and what meaning you give your single status.

    Your story might be that being single means your life is empty, that people in relationships are having more fun, or that you will only be happy if you have a partner.

    Once you have identified your story, ask yourself how to create the opposite of what you believe. For example, how can being single be full of life and joy? How can I have or create more fun while I’m single? What can I do to be happier here and now?

    Let your answers guide you to take more positive actions and start living your life as a single to the best of your abilities.

    Maximize this time and regularly step out of your comfort zone. Start up new hobbies and learn new things. Cultivate the most important relationship you have–the one with yourself! Use every opportunity that comes your way to grow. Make every day the best day of your life. When you live your life as a single in this intentional way, you won’t even have time to notice that you are single!

  • Why I Believe That Feeling Offended Is a Choice

    Why I Believe That Feeling Offended Is a Choice

    “The feeling of being ‘offended’ is a warning indicator that is showing you where to look within yourself for unresolved issues.” ~Bryant McGill

    As I ponder back over my forty-odd years on this planet, I can’t really remember going lengths of time without feeling offended. By someone’s words, or actions. It was simply my default reaction.

    Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t enjoy it. Feeling offended never feels good. Ever. There’s always a sting. Which is probably why the (many) “feeling offended” memories are so prominent. And clear.

    Some of them were simple and relatively unimportant.

    Like the time I was sharing some important insight with my (then) partner. I was mid-sentence and fully engaged emotionally only to be cut short as he decided to take an incoming call from his ex-wife. And promptly left the room.

    Yup, I took offense.

    Or what about the time, more recently, when I discovered I’d been “unfriended” by one of my oldest friends on Facebook? No explanation offered. Just gone.

    Yup, I took (major) offense to that too.

    As I reach further into my treasure chest of memories, there are also those bigger “feeling-offended” moments. Those that had a more reaching impact on me. That made me question myself. My values. My self-worth.

    My daughter’s dad left the country when she was three. My relationship with him was difficult, so I’ll admit I was relieved. It did mean, however, that I was to be a single parent in every sense of the word.

    And I took that role seriously. I was young and naïve, but I did my best with what I knew and felt proud of each parenting milestone.

    Her dad, on the other hand, showed up annually for a week or two, created a bit of emotional upheaval, and then left. Again. His input (emotionally and financially) was limited.

    I was left to make all the decisions—important or not—and I liked that. It felt free. Independent.

    When my daughter was about ten, I decided to move her into a different schooling system, one that I felt she would thrive in. Her dad caught wind of this and decided he had the right to interfere. And he did.

    What followed was an unforgettable telephonic conversation, wherein I was lambasted for my somewhat shortsightedness in her educational needs, as well as in my general parenting too!

    I. WAS. OFFENDED.

    Who wouldn’t be! Right?

    And boy, did I wallow in that pit of self-indignant injustice! For weeks!

    Just who did he think he was! Seriously??

    And it felt uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. I vacillated between anger, hurt, and indignation. I replayed the event over and over and over. It consumed my thoughts. Totally.

    Over time, the thoughts faded and life moved on. Yet if I engaged that memory, all the feelings flooded back, just as powerfully.

    The hurt.

    The sense of injustice.

    The feelings of worthlessness.

    In a way, I felt powerless to it.

    Feeling offended was a reaction. How could it ever be a choice?

    In recent years, I’ve come to understand more about how we interact with our thinking. That our thoughts are separate from us. And that engaging with them can be a choice we make. Consciously.

    With this in mind, let’s look at what really happens in the process of us feeling offended.

    1. We attach our sense of value to a certain aspect of our outer persona (what we present to the world, aka our ego).

    If you value yourself as a kind person, it’s not surprising that you would feel offended if someone said you were unkind. Being kind is how you present yourself to the world. It forms part of how you validate your worthiness.

    Conversely, if someone told you that you suck at being an astronaut, would you care? Probably not in the slightest.

    Because there’s no attachment to that as part of your identity.

    Simple, right?

    In the example above, being a “good mom” was part of my identity. It gave me a sense of validation. Having my parenting questioned left me doubting my sense of worthiness.

    But the truth is, we’re not our persona. Our worthiness is not attached to our ego.

    Feeling worthy is not something we find outside of ourselves. It’s inside us. Always has been. We simply need to reconnect with it.

    2. We attach value to other people’s opinions.

    Imagine that you’re innocently walking down the street, minding your own business and feeling content. A big burly chap accidentally bumps into you, and as you turn to look at him he screams at you. Expletives flow out of his mouth about how clumsy you are. How you should watch where you’re going.

    Yet it was his fault!

    How do you feel? Probably pretty offended. And angry. Insulted even. How dare he!

    But here’s the thing: His reaction had absolutely nothing to do with you. At all.

    He may have just been fired. Or had a fight with his mate. You were simply the excuse he found to vent his anger.

    So, in taking offense, aren’t you wasting your good mood? Will it help matters if you shout back? Will he ever apologize? Doubtful… You’ll just feel bad.

    We never, ever, know what others are thinking. Or feeling. We’ll never see life through their eyes. Which means our perspectives will always be different.

    So how can we ever see someone else’s opinion about us as our truth? It’s their truth. Only theirs.

    My daughter’s dad had no idea what I did as a parent on a day-to-day basis. How could he?

    Also, his idea of parenting varied hugely from mine. We had vastly different perspectives. In his world, his was right, and ditto, me in mine.

    So how could I place any validity or truth to his criticism of my parenting?

    How could I truly feel offended? His outburst was never about me. It was simply his opinion. That’s all.

    Choosing not to feel offended comes from a place of strength. It’s an empowered perspective. A choice. But it doesn’t mean that we’re condoning the offender’s behavior. No, not at all. Quite the opposite applies.

    Spiteful or derogatory comments grounded in phobias, like racism or homosexuality, are mostly fear-based. And they’re usually founded in ignorance.

    By choosing not to feel offended, we’re taking the high road. A higher perspective. One that feels good.

    We’re only ever responsible for our role in this interaction.

    Honestly? It’s not always easy. Especially when it’s close to home. Involving someone we love.

    Sometimes feeling offended is simply part of the human experience. And that’s okay.

    From an empowered place we can move past it. Let it go. And lean toward our innate sense of well-being.

    Feeling worthy feels confident. Content. Relaxed. Safe.

    It’s knowing that we’re enough. Total unconditional acceptance. Just as we are. No judgment.

    As we extend that to others, we become immune to their behavior. And opinions. There’s just unconditional acceptance.

    And that’s when you truly feel empowered. When you can really accept your role in taking offense.

    And simply choose not to.

    It’s that simple.

  • If Only I Knew My Worth…

    If Only I Knew My Worth…

    “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” ~Albert Einstein

    Looking back on my past, I see that I have spent most of my precious time striving to improve myself instead of celebrating the very gift of being alive and healthy. For many years, I though I wasn’t good enough, and perfection was my worst enemy.

    I considered myself pretty but not beautiful, somewhat smart but not truly intelligent. In other words, I thought of myself as average, not outstanding. I grew up with the fear of getting bad grades in school because if I ever did, that would have made a new reason for me to feel ashamed and unworthy.

    In the Eastern-European schooling system I grew up with, I was always compared to others and every day in school felt like a never-ending competition and fight for the glory of being the first in class. It was tough. I hardly had any free time to play, and most of my days were filled up with homework.

    I spent quite a few years in school, including university. I held successful jobs in a big corporation, and I traveled the world with work. And I invested a lot of money, time, and energy into studying and growing in my career.

    I’ve gotten to learn a lot about history, mathematics, chemistry, biology, physics, literature, music, and foreign languages. Despite all that, there is one essential topic I would have liked the schooling system to prepare me for: how to know my own value.

    So here’s what I didn’t realize at the time and what I know to be true today:

    If only I knew my own worth…

    I would have stopped focusing on my weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections without even being aware of my natural strengths, gifts, and talents.

    I would have stopped fighting for perfection and punishing myself for every tiny mistake I might have made. I would have known that perfection was nothing but an illusion of the mind, and didn’t exist.

    I would have acknowledged the hard work and efforts behind my achievements instead of attributing my accomplishments to luck or other people who gave me chances to succeed.

    I would have stopped making myself small each time I achieved something good, as if “that wasn’t anything special” or “anyone else could have done it.”

    I would have stopped taking myself for granted, being aware of the value I was going to bring to any of my employers with my personal set of skills and abilities. I could understand that getting paid for my knowledge was nothing but fair game. I would have found the courage to ask for a raise and negotiate my salary, and I would have never ended up underpaid.

    I would have stopped comparing myself to others, and would have known that everyone is on their own journey. I could celebrate other people’s successes instead of fearing I might not earn the same amount of money or get the same amount of love. I would have understood that life doesn’t have to be a fight or an exhausting competition—that there is enough of everything and for everyone, including myself.

    I would have felt at ease when praised by others, embracing compliments with grace. I wouldn’t have made myself small or put myself down as if I wasn’t worthy of such a celebration.

    I wouldn’t have acted like a master of people pleasing, not daring to say no to the things I didn’t really want to do, fearing people wouldn’t like me any longer. I wouldn’t have felt like I owed anyone any apologies or any explanation for the way I was spending my time and with whom. My time means life and it’s never coming back.

    I wouldn’t have expected others to make me happy, fulfill my needs, and keep my cup full of love, care, and attention. I wouldn’t have expected any man to make me feel valued, cherished, wanted, and loved, knowing that my happiness was my responsibility and every else was a bonus.

    But despite all that, here’s the gain in pain, the blessing in disguise, and the real gift of my life experience:

    I am convinced that we live in a smart, intelligent Universe where everything unfolds perfectly, and everything happens for a good reason.

    I am not here to blame anyone for anything. I am not a victim. Society did the best it could at the time. So did my parents and my teachers. My life circumstances have nothing to do with my future, and I am the one co-creating my reality through how I think, act, and feel. It is my birthright to be happy, only because I am human. I am here to grow and learn more about life and myself.

    It is never too late to step into my power and feel worthy of the best things life has to offer: good health, love, and abundance. When I value myself, others will value me as well.

    Today, I know I couldn’t do my empowering work in the world from a place of authenticity and power without going through such a disempowered experience myself. There is no light without darkness.

    I stopped explaining myself for what I want and for who I am. I am not afraid to step into my greatness. I am perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect, and this allows me to be me. I have learned how to love and approve of myself, exactly the way I am.

    I have come to realize that in life, we don’t always get what we want because we only pursue what we think we deserve. That’s why it’s crucial that we believe in ourselves and see ourselves as enough and worthy of the best things life has to offer.

    “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” ~Henry Ford

  • The Fascinating Reason We Fear Rejection and the Key to Acceptance

    The Fascinating Reason We Fear Rejection and the Key to Acceptance

    “Our job in this lifetime is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.” ~Steven Pressfield

    “We need to talk to you.”

    I looked up from my book. The other thirteen girls in my class had assembled around me.

    Part of me was annoyed that they interrupted Indiana Jones’s latest adventure. But another part couldn’t shake the feeling that I was facing the sixth grade execution squad. My heart began to beat faster, my shoulders tensed, and sickening fear spread through my body.

    “We don’t like you,” the appointed spokesperson declared.

    “We think you are arrogant and weird, your nose is always in a book, and your clothes are embarrassing. You don’t fit in here. Do yourself a favor and stay away from us.”

    With that, they left. I could hear them gossip at the other side of the classroom. As if nothing had happened.

    I sat at my desk, alone. My shaking hands were still clutching my book. My throat felt tight and sore as I battled to hold back tears.

    Sure, I would have been kidding myself pretending that I was ever popular. But still, some of these girls I considered my friends. And this brutal, unanimous rejection was a shock.

    I can’t remember how I made it through the next two lessons and the bus ride home. I know I didn’t cry. I didn’t want them to see how much they hurt me.

    It wasn’t until my mum asked me how my day was that I burst. Tears ran down my cheek as I was sobbing. Looking back, it feels like I wept for days and I remember crying myself to sleep for many months.

    I had been judged unworthy of friendship, respect, and approval. I was unacceptable. I wasn’t good enough.

    That’s how it started.

    The Guaranteed Way to be Accepted in Any Social Group

    “Why would you want to be part of their clique anyway?” my mum asked. “They are superficial and blind if they can’t see what a wonderful person you are.” Mums would say that.

    But it wasn’t how I felt. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be included. I wanted to be invited to the birthday parties and sleepovers. And I was sick of being picked last in sports.

    For a while, my classmates avoided me, as if I was suffering from a contagious disease. As instructed, I kept my distance. I felt upset, wounded, heartbroken.

    But I watched them. I observed their interactions. I studied the requirements of acceptance. Little by little, I adjusted my behavior.

    I begged my mum to buy me a pair of Levi’s 501 jeans so they couldn’t disapprove of my fashion sense. I left my beloved books in my bag to participate in the shallow gossip during recess. I swallowed my opinions and conformed to the group consensus. I engaged in activities I hated. My sole desire was to be accepted, and I was willing to make sacrifices.

    And I succeeded. My assimilated interests and behaviors morphed into a new version of me that was finally accepted (or at least tolerated) as part of the group. No more lonely recesses, no more exiled lunch breaks, no more involuntary isolation. I had reached my goal.

    I didn’t know then that the cost of acceptance was by far outweighing the benefits. It would be a while until I found out.

    A Painful Wake-Up Call

    Thirteen years after my fateful teenage rejection, now a student at Vienna University, I was waking up in my tiny flat. My boyfriend of eight years was awake, looking at me. I smiled at him, stretching while planning a busy day in my mind.

    “I need to talk to you.”

    My smile froze; my stomach felt like it was filled with gravel; my mind was racing. Please, not again! I did everything expected of me.

    Don’t do this to me again!

    “I don’t love you anymore,” he continued. “I am so sorry. I met someone else.”

    That evening, he moved out, to be with her. I sat on the floor, alone, in disbelief, my back against the cold radiator.

    I was rejected again! How could this happen? I had done everything required.

    But it seemed that no matter who I was or pretended to be, no matter how much I pleaded and begged, no matter how much I changed, adapted, and adjusted myself to please them, they always rejected me. Because I wasn’t good enough. No version of me would ever be good enough.

    I cried for days. I wallowed in self-hatred, blame, and self-pity. I cursed my inferior, unacceptable existence. I grieved for the life I lost and prepared myself for a future of unworthy loneliness.

    But then, something amazing happened.

    The Revelation of the Tragic Price of Acceptance

    Two weeks later, I was preparing to go to work. I opened my wardrobe, and the realization hit me so hard that I lost balance.

    All the clothes I owned were beige! He had preferred me in beige. He said he didn’t like it when I stood out. I had followed his rules to give him no reason to ever reject me. I was whatever he wanted me to be.

    I stared at the rows of neatly folded beige T-shirts, jumpers, and cardigans. There was no color, no personality, no character, no life. Only fulfilled expectations, subordination, and lies.

    I had rejected myself to be accepted by others! My true self was chained and gagged, silently suffering. That’s when I realized that self-rejection is the most devastating rejection of them all. It had to stop!

    That day in May 2005, I started the journey back to myself. Now I want to share what I learned along the way to help you rediscover your own authentic self.

    1. The fascinating reason why we fear rejection.

    Nobody likes being rejected. It sucks! But it’s unavoidable.

    No matter how much we change, bend, or distort, we will always encounter people who dislike us, disapprove of us, or disrespect us. We will always face situations where we lose out, fail, or don’t make the grade. That’s life.

    But we tend to experience rejection as a threat. And I soon discovered that there is a scientific reason for it.

    You see, the need for acceptance is deeply rooted in human evolution. If our early ancestors were exiled from the tribe cave, they were history as soon as the next sabre tooth strolled by. Survival depended on remaining a part of the tribe at all cost.

    Nowadays, we usually aren’t at risk of being devoured by a wild beast when others disapprove of us. But it still hurts! Because, while our life might not depend on it any longer, our self-worth often does.

    We feel worthy only if others approve of us. The issue is that nobody will be acceptable to everybody else.

    It’s important to know that rejection doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough. Some people don’t click. And that’s okay.

    2. Being myself was harder than I thought.

    When people want to encourage you, they often say: “It’s going to be okay. Just be yourself!”

    Good advice. But if you pretended to be someone else for most of your life, this other version of you, the act, becomes who you believe you are. Once this false persona collapses, and you discover that your life was a lie, all that is left are questions.

    “Who am I? Do I actually like my work, hobbies, style? Or did I choose them to please others? What do I like? What is important to me?”

    In the early days I felt lost, aimless, forlorn. I thought I had to know myself inside out, uncover all the answers, find myself. But the beginning of your journey back to yourself is like the start of any relationship.

    You need to get to know yourself. Bit by bit. It takes time, patience, and lots of honest talks. (Yes, with yourself!)

    Through these conversations with myself, I learned that I couldn’t rediscover myself through my likes and dislikes. They were artefacts, reflecting the passions and interests of the people I wanted to impress.

    I had to investigate what made me happy. I had to identify what made my eyes light up and my heart sing. Because those were the things that originated from my true self.

    3. Denying my true self was hurting me.

    Throughout my teens and early twenties I suffered from several health problems. I now know that they were caused by my self-rejection. Because they all vanished after I accepted my authentic self.

    My social anxiety originated from the belief that anybody could reject me at any time without warning. My night-time crying fits resulted from the grief I felt over losing myself. My bouts of self-hatred stemmed from the fact that I loathed the person I pretended to be, and even my bronchitis was a warning sign that I wasn’t speaking my truth.

    I was emotionally, mentally, and physically hurting myself so others might approve of me. And I didn’t allow myself to see it. I ignored all the signs because my desire for approval was paramount.

    I needed to be accepted to feel worthy, and blamed all the negative consequences on a nervous disposition, a sensiive soul, and the harsh Alpine air.

    4. I never knew what I wanted because I didn’t know who I was.

    By the time my boyfriend left me, playing an act to please others was so normal, I had stopped noticing it. But I always felt unfulfilled. My life lacked direction and purpose.

    I was unsure what I could offer the world or what I wanted from life. Sometimes I sat in the living room of my tiny flat thinking, “I want to go home.” At the time, I didn’t know where this absurd thought came from.

    Now I understand that you cannot find your true calling if you aren’t true to yourself. If you pretend to be someone else to gain approval from others, everything you do reflects your efforts to please, appeal, and impress.

    Once you rediscover yourself, can you walk on your right path. Because every decision made or influenced by others will ultimately be the wrong one for you.

    Finding your direction, passions, and purpose has to start with accepting who you are and presenting this person to the world.

    5. Losing friends is unavoidable.

    And that’s where it becomes terrifying! Your friends, business partners, clients, and colleagues only know your act. But now you have to put the cards on the table and be honest with them. I found that to be the hardest part.

    Exposing your true self to the world leaves you naked and vulnerable. It’s impossible to predict how people will react. In my case, some were disappointed and hurt, some disliked my true self and disappeared from my life, but most neither noticed nor cared.

    The truth is that some friendships may not survive. And that’s okay. Most friendships aren’t constants; they are in flow.

    Your friends reflect what you believe about yourself. If your beliefs change, so will the people around you. A special few may stick with you for life, but most will come and go.

    Yes, it can be heart-breaking but no friend will ever be worth denying your true self. Losing a friendship will never be more devastating than losing yourself. And no rejection is as disastrous as self-rejection.

    The friends who cannot accept your authentic self will be replaced by people who love and respect the real you.

    The Key to an Authentic Life

    I know what you’re thinking. What if not? What if you will never find anybody who loves and accepts you?

    Would you not be better off being an integrated pretender than an authentic loner?

    The answer lies in your self-worth. Think about it. There are 7.4 billion people on this planet. It is statistically impossible that they will all reject you!

    But throughout your life you learned to believe that you are unlovable because you have nothing to offer. That you don’t deserve other people’s approval because you aren’t good enough, and that you are only acceptable if you cover up your flawed and unworthy self.

    That’s why your mind will always caution you. It wants to protect you from the pain of further rejection and disappointment. Because a deep-seated feeling of worthlessness has become your default state.

    But it’s not reality! It’s not the truth.

    The truth is that you are worth personified! Your true self is beautiful, valuable, and infinitely deserving of happiness, friendship, and love.

    Your worth is unconditional. It doesn’t depend on your style and appearance. It exists irrespective of your bank balance, success levels, or qualification, and it isn’t diminished by the lack of other people’s approval.

    Yes, we all make mistakes, we all do things we aren’t proud of, and we all are rejected at times. But as long as you do your best to be a kind, loving, and warm-hearted person, you will always be good enough!

    Once you accept this, once you accept yourself, others will see the amazing person you are. People out there want to know and love you. That much I know.

    Because I worked my way from a conforming, self-suppressing, anxiety-filled, beige existence to a happy woman with a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and genuine friends who love me for who I really am.

    I believed I was unacceptable. But it wasn’t the truth. It was low self-worth.

    And it is low self-worth for you too. You can overcome it; you can heal. And you can attract the people out there looking to meet you.

    Now you just need to have the courage to introduce yourself. I know you can do it!

  • When You Start Seeing Your Worth

    When You Start Seeing Your Worth

  • Seeking Outside Approval Is Giving Our Power Away

    Seeking Outside Approval Is Giving Our Power Away

    Oil Painting Texture

    “When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful.” ~Caroline Myss

    Back in the winter of 2012, I was devastated by a sudden near-deaf experience (90% hearing loss), which led me to a dead end in my IT career.

    “You’ve been overworked. Rest is the only way to recuperate,” said every single doctor.

    Leaving my corporate sales job left me feeling like a total failure.

    I felt lost, confused, and frustrated as darkness swallowed my self-esteem.

    “Why did you have to work so hard and not get the credit you deserved?!” 

    “Is deafness all you got in return for striving toward excellence all these years?!”

    “You are worthless!” 

    As an overachiever and a perfectionist, I felt overwhelmed by a shame storm.

    I was caught up in bitterness and a sense of injustice until one day I realized that I was battling with myself, and the self-loathing quotient went off the chart.

    “What do you want, Universe? Don’t you see that I’m suffering?” I ranted out loud like a mad victim.

    Even though spirituality wasn’t my thing at that point in time, I literally “heard” a clear voice: “Own it. Take stock of your life now, Jen.” This triggered me to start asking why in heaven I had gotten myself into this mud hole.

    Connecting with My Younger Self

    With my eyes closed I saw a seven-year-old girl, the little me. She was taught to be very self-disciplined academically, as she was told to excel and work hard.

    Her sole goal was for her parents to put her on a pedestal for being good and intelligent.

    Since she came from a family where praise was like a foreign language, validating children for trying hard hadn’t been the parenting style in the house. Instead, there was often an attitude that the children could do better—they could work harder to achieve more.

    Hearing her parents give random compliments to other kids at the same age irritated her. She could only draw this conclusion: “Doing my best is not good enough, so I need to try even harder, or else I won’t be worthy of love and attention.”

    From then on, she constantly craved compliments and approval.

    “Jen, great job, keep up the good work!” Those simple comments were like water to her thirsty soul.

    Years later, she became masterful at overachieving, perfecting, and competing, which helped her gain “confidence” through compliments from other people.

    If she ever heard a negative comment, it could ruin her whole day. She’d go home discouraged and mentally lash herself for not doing well enough.

    She didn’t know what to say without first checking other people’s facial expressions. She lived on their compliments as the life stream of her self-worth. Until one day, she realized she’d lost it all. Her physical and emotional wellbeing had gone bankrupt, but worse her authenticity had gone down the drain.

    Even now, I can still feel her pain, the insecurity, the fear of rejection, and the strong need to be loved wrapped underneath a people-pleasing mask.

    Path of Returning to the Truth

    Deep down in my core, I knew that my mother and father, just like many other typical Asian parents, wanted their children to have better lives, and they believed that would come from in excelling in school so they could get better jobs, make more money, and be prosperous.

    I still thought that they should’ve done better, because they weren’t mindful enough to give me the emotional support I needed in my childhood. I got stirred up about it, and I even wanted to confront my parents with a letter to tell them what I thought after all those years.

    Just before I was about to take action, I heard something from inside saying, “They did you wrong, didn’t they? They didn’t give you what you needed, did they?”

    “They sure did!” I replied.

    Then the voice asked, “How do you think you would’ve done if you would’ve been in their shoes, with three kids to raise, with a business to run, with aging parents to take care of, and with a load of family chaos to be sorted out?”

    This conversation changed my perspective. I realized that my parents had done the best they could with what they had. They couldn’t give me what they didn’t even have themselves. I began to feel ashamed of my immaturity and selfishness.

    This time, the shame level was way stronger than it was when I left my corporate job involuntarily and felt worthless.

    Blaming is like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound; it never works. I realized that I was the one not letting anybody off the hook while busy swimming in the pool of victimhood.

    Lessons Learned

    Regaining my hearing after two months was a divine miracle, but I’m grateful that the silence taught me the following lessons about understanding others and releasing the need for approval.

    1. Stop seeking validation from others.

    It’s great when people believe in us, cheer us on, and make us feel valuable. We love when our partners compliment us or a friend is there to give encouragement.

    But you cannot become so dependent on people that you derive your worth and value from how they treat you. It’s easy to become addicted to compliments, addicted to encouragement, addicted to them cheering you on.

    But if other people change their minds and stop giving you the compliments you crave, then you’ll feel devalued. If they don’t meet all your expectations, you’ll get discouraged and feel inferior. You’ll start working overtime, people-pleasing to win their approval.

    At some point, like a mother weans a baby off a bottle, you have to break your need for external validation.

    You no longer need people complimenting you to keep you encouraged. Praise is nice to hear, but you can develop self-sufficiency.

    2. Have compassion for others.

    The truth is, our friends and family members have their own problems. They are not responsible for keeping us happy and making us feel good about ourselves. Don’t put that extra pressure on them. It’s unfair to the people who are in our lives.

    Moreover, sometimes when people don’t give us what we need, it’s because they don’t have it, because nobody gave it to them. If they weren’t raised showing affection to people, and we keep trying to get it from them, we’ll likely end up frustrated.

    Maybe they did the best they could. They may have made a decision that we don’t understand, and we may feel like it has put us at a disadvantage, but at least we didn’t have to walk in their shoes.

    3. Start approving of yourself.

    What people do, or don’t do, doesn’t determine our worth. Our value doesn’t come from another person; it comes from ourselves.

    People may not encourage us, but we can encourage ourselves. People may not make us feel special, but we can make ourselves feel special. We’ll have better relationships if we start validating ourselves instead of becoming needy and waiting for other people to give us our approval fix.

    Learn how to compliment and validate yourself. Practice affirming: I am strong. I am healthy. I am highly favored. I am beautiful. I am lucky. (Be creative!)

    4. Don’t give your power away.

    When a person walks away, wrongs us, or even makes hurtful comments, we need to learn to shake off that disrespect.

    Don’t believe the lies that we are not talented enough, attractive enough, or good enough. They don’t determine our value. They can’t lessen our self-worth. The only power people have over us is the power we give to them.

    We don’t have to play up to people to try to win their favor. If they don’t want to be in our lives, it’s actually their loss, not ours.

    —

    If you learn this principle of not relying on people for your worth and start generating your own approval and acknowledgment, you won’t feel crushed when somebody doesn’t give you what you expect.

    The less we depend on people for validation, the stronger we’ll become and the higher we will go.

  • You Have to Know You’re Worthy to Attract a Healthy Relationship

    You Have to Know You’re Worthy to Attract a Healthy Relationship

    “Your problem is you’re too busy holding onto your unworthiness.” ~Ram Dass

    Three years ago I went through a breakup with someone I loved deeply.

    I had no idea what had happened to me after I fell in love with this girl. I now know that I was asleep from the beginning to the very end of the relationship.

    I was totally encapsulated with this girl to the point where I could not see what was in front of me. I was unable to see the red flags that were there in the beginning.

    When I first laid eyes on her, I felt a magnetic pull. I knew that she was it for me. I had her as the one before I had spoken a word to her. And what made it even harder was that when I was with her, it felt like home, as if I had known her before.

    So, no matter what she said, I had it sealed in my mind that this had to work.

    When it all started she was almost impossible to get a date with. She bailed on me three times. On the third time I was aggravated, and she knew it. We had to have a phone conversation about why we couldn’t go out.

    This had never happened to me ever before, and the weird part was that I went along with it. I had the conversation and everything was fine and dandy when we went on a date just a few days later.

    On the first date it was as if I had forgotten about the initial weirdness and aggravation. I was sucked in. But as weeks went by, I noticed that I was only able to see her once a month, even though she lived in the next town over from me.

    We would have to resort to FaceTime, when she was just at home. I couldn’t pick her up at her house because she wanted me to avoid her parents. But at the same time, she had pictures of us on social media, so it wasn’t like our relationship was a secret. I was confused, but I kept on with it.

    I remember my birthday came around and I didn’t get so much as a card. And it was sad because that didn’t dawn on me until I actually broke up with her. All I wanted from her was her time, and that was limited, and at her convenience.

    I should also tell you that I was not the kind of guy that just harbors all my frustration and doesn’t talk about issues.

    I would try to talk about my feelings and concerns, as well as try to understand her, but she would never want to hear it or talk about it. There was constant neglect.

    What could I do? How could I show her that I loved her? What would make her open her heart to me? Take her to more dinners? Buy tickets to a game? None of that seemed to make a difference. But I felt for her and understood she had been cheated on previously, so I used the excuse that “she just has her walls up.”

    I would tell myself that eventually she would understand that I was a good guy who loved her. She would eventually not be this way. In other words, eventually she would be what I thought she could be.

    I looked past her avoidant personality, the distance she needed, and the fact that we were in different chapters in our lives. I also was willing to set aside my needs to fulfill hers, and only hers. My self-worth was at an all time low. (Or had it always been that low?)

    The poison in this toxic relationship set in early, and I decided that I would enjoy more of it until the point where I needed to leave. Let’s not forget the idea that men have to pursue, pursue, and pursue. Because anything worth having won’t come easily, right?

    After she put me completely on her backburner in the relationship, I knew that I was worth more. I cut the poison chord and licked my wounds for a long time after.

    But there is healing in the “licking of my wounds.” The healing was sparked by a curiosity that I had developed in the search for myself.

    Why did I attract this type of person into my life? How could I move upward so that I could attract healthier relationships going forward? 

    I wasn’t going to just blame her and just get on with it. I didn’t want to be in denial about the fact that I had chosen to be with her. She was just being her, and how could I blame her for not being the person I wanted her to be? I needed to take some responsibility for my choice and work from there.

    I found that amongst my own mommy issues, there was some childhood bully issues, and I’d been living with the “I’m not good enough” belief for years.

    Suddenly, I was awakened.

    I was awakened to the fact that the purpose of this relationship was to spawn a new discovery in my life, and that was the search for who I really am. It wasn’t just figuring out who I thought I was or being a better me, it was the search for my deeper self—my soul.

    I believe this whole event was put forth for me to learn my worth.

    Right after the relationship, I took time to grieve. That encompassed the generic reaction of drinking and going out, because at the time I didn’t immediately get the lesson; I was still working from the only place I knew.

    But I realized that doing what the generation would consider normal—drinking, going out, and hooking up with other girls, just to run from the pain—wasn’t going to make anything better.

    In the past it may have worked, because I wasn’t as emotionally invested and didn’t care as much when relationships ended. But this particular time was unique, because, at the time, I was looking for my soul mate.

    This time around I had much higher expectations and a deeper attachment. That’s what had caused the pain from the start. I wasn’t hurting because she wasn’t the girl I wanted her to be; it was the expectation of what I thought she was rather than who she was in reality. 

    Had I been present and awake, I wouldn’t have dated her at all because I would have seen that she was the complete opposite of what I needed. But how do I know what I need? And do I feel that I deserve what I need? Am I worthy of it?

    On a simple level one could say, well, of course you deserve it and of course you are worthy. But I realized that inside I didn’t feel that way.

    I eventually realized that my upbringing wasn’t surrounded by much love, not in the way that I needed. I was taught tough love, meaning little acknowledgement and praise, and as a result I never felt good enough.

    Since there was an absence of love in my childhood, I didn’t know that I was worthy of it.

    This model that I had worked with since my childhood affected who and what I would eventually attract. I projected unworthiness, and thought that women who love, care, and are nurturing didn’t exist, basically setting forth what came into my life.

    I realized that if I didn’t let go of my issues, the pattern would continue. The pattern would show up slightly different from time to time, but I would continue attracting unloving relationships if I continued believing I was unworthy and unlovable.

    If you’ve had similar experiences, my message is to be present and be aware. This enables you to see the person you’re dating for who they are, as opposed to focusing on who you want them to be, and to see yourself more clearly as well.

    This is an opportunity to not place blame in your relationship but rather to learn about yourself and your patterns.

    Ask questions to help you dig deeper, such as: What is causing me to feel this way? Why was this event brought into my life? Where do I need healing? What issues, thoughts, or beliefs am I holding onto that are keeping me from where I want to go?

    If you can just be present you will be able to notice your own thoughts and your attachments to stories in your own mind—stories about the past, the future, fear, control, unworthiness, and other issues that you may be holding onto.

    Some questions I ask myself today when I’m meeting someone for the first time or seeing someone in the beginning include: Is this person my friend? How is their heart? Is it open?

    Simply put, when I’m with that person, my heart is open to seeing who is there.

    Do the work to heal your own wounds and to escape from your unhealthy patterns, and your heart will be open as well.

  • How to Stop Measuring Your Worth in Achievements

    How to Stop Measuring Your Worth in Achievements

    “The better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to show off.” ~Robert Hand

    The first vivid memory I have of anxiety is when I was only seven years old. I sat in math class, gripped with fear that I wouldn’t get a perfect score on my test. If I got even one answer wrong, I would feel worthless.

    This striving for achievement followed me all the way through college. I not only graduated with a 4.0 grade point average, but I had an impressive Curriculum Vitae filled with awards, extra curricular activities, publications, honor societies, and more. Each time I added something to my list of achievements, I felt a surge of worthiness.

    Yet, this satisfaction with myself didn’t last long. Soon, I was on to the next task to prove to myself (and others) that I am worthy. 

    I fell into the same trap in graduate school: commuting each night, taking extra classes, making all A’s, working a part-time job—until the panic attacks hit. I couldn’t control my brewing anxiety anymore, and I developed debilitating panic disorder and agoraphobia. I could barely function, so I made the decision to drop out of my graduate courses.

    I believe the panic attacks were my body’s and mind’s way of screaming out for help. Their way of saying, “I’ll make you stop since you won’t listen,” of letting me know that perfection isn’t healthy or possible.

    During those anxiety-ridden days, the panic made it impossible for me to live a successful life according to my previous definitions. Suddenly, my biggest accomplishment was simply making it through the day or going to the grocery store alone. I felt antsy and worthless without academics or a steady job.

    I was forced to redefine my ideas of self-worth. I realized that chasing my worth based on one accomplishment after another was making me miserable.

    I had to learn that my worth runs so much deeper than what I can prove through achievement. I had to learn that I am worthy simply because I exist, and nothing more.

    Here are four ways that I have started overcoming the need to base my worth on accomplishments.

    1. Make a list of all the things you love about yourself that have nothing to do with achievement.

    This may sound silly or trivial, but making a list of the things you adore about yourself is actually a lot harder than you’d think. The first time I sat down to write this list, nothing came to mind that wasn’t linked to my accomplishments.

    Slowly, I opened up to the fact that I love how genuinely good-hearted I am. I’m compassionate and sensitive, and I love that about myself. I love that I’m a good listener. I love that I’m soft-spoken and not confrontational. From there, the list just kept flowing.

    If you have a difficult time with this, it can be helpful to ask your loved ones to write a list of all the things they love about you. This can be a wonderful way to remind you that you are more than what you do.

    2. Redefine your idea of success.

    Recently, I felt twinges of worthlessness as I perused social media and found that my peers were accomplishing seemingly great things in their high-paying, full-time jobs. They looked successful, and I felt very unsuccessful teaching my low-paying yoga classes and publishing my writing for free.

    But then I stopped and asked myself what a successful life would look like to me. For me, a successful life would be spending the day doing things I love. It would be having loving relationships that teach me and help me grow. It would be making a positive impact, however small, with my work. Success doesn’t have to mean money or recognizable accomplishment.

    After I defined what success looks like to me, I realized I’m already living that life. I spend my days teaching yoga and writing, the two things I absolutely love to do. I have beautiful relationships. I’m making a positive impact with my teaching and my words.

    As I was busy chasing some unattainable dream of success, I didn’t realize I had it all along.

    When you find yourself gripped with unworthiness, ask yourself what success would look like to you, and you alone. Are there ways in which you’re already living a successful life, based on your own definition? The answers might surprise you.

    3. Meditate on the part of you that never changes.

    When I was going through my yoga teacher training, I came across this idea in Nicolai Bachman’s The Path of the Yoga Sutras, and my heart skipped a beat. Meditate on the part of you that never changes.

    This meant the part of me that stayed the same whether I got a good grade, or I failed a test. The part of me that will stay the same whether I win an award, or I’m housebound with agoraphobia.

    As I meditated on this idea, I came to realize that the part of me that never changes is pure love. There is a space of infinite love, peace, and understanding that has been with me all along.

    Chasing validation of my worth through outside, visible accomplishments had only served to take me further away from the fact that I am love. Achievements don’t change, and never will change, who I am at my core.

    4. Practice unconditional self-love.

    A light bulb went off in my head while I was playing with my dog recently. I love that little rascal inside and out, and he doesn’t have to do a single thing to deserve it or be worthy of my love.

    It’s the same with babies. Babies don’t try to prove themselves to you. They don’t have to accomplish something in order for you to love them. You love them unconditionally simply because they exist.

    What if you didn’t have to do anything or prove anything to be worthy of your own love? What if you deserved your own unconditional love, just like you give to your pets or to your children?

    Practice extending unconditional love to yourself by forgiving yourself when you’re not perfect, and recognizing that you deserve love no matter what you achieve.

    Letting go of perfectionism and the need to base our worth on external validation is a continual process. But, with time, we can begin to shed our layers of conditioning that taught us we are not worthy, and see ourselves for the beautifully deserving beings we are.

  • How to Feel Good Enough (When You Feel Anything But)

    How to Feel Good Enough (When You Feel Anything But)

    Woman hiding

    “There are plenty of difficult obstacles in your path. Don’t allow yourself to become one of them.” ~Ralph Marston

    I recently had a personal conversation with someone who was describing some struggles they were experiencing. In passing, they mentioned “It’s okay for you, you’ve fought your battles” and went on to talk about how I’m married, I’m working in a career I love, and I’m “successful.”

    Listening to them, I could feel my heart breaking, partly for them: I know what it’s like to compare my insides to someone else’s outsides and find myself severely wanting.

    But I also felt a deep sadness tinged with frustration, because their assumption was so far from the truth.

    While I am incredibly grateful to have the relationship, the professional opportunities, and everything else I have—and it’s true there are some battles that are now in my past—there are also plenty of challenges I’m still navigating. The biggest one by far is around feeling good enough; feeling at peace and fulfilled with who I am and what I’m doing in life.

    For a long time, I used external achievement to buoy my sense of worthiness. Underneath that, however, hid a lot of shame and anxiety, because I thought I was somehow deficient compared to other people. I felt a constant need to reinvent myself and be more than I currently was to keep up with those around me.

    Feeling good enough (and defining what good enough is) has been one of my biggest struggles and something I’ve realized will possibly be a lifelong process.

    I’d like to share some of my experiences and talk about a few things I’ve found helpful for my own ongoing journey. If you also struggle to feel good enough as you are, I hope they are helpful for you too:

    1. “Good enough” looks like different things in different contexts. 

    I used to set myself up for failure by telling myself something needed to be perfect to be good enough. Now, I’ve learned “good enough” exists on a spectrum, influenced by the situation, the context and other things that are happening in life, as well as my well-being, my values, and my priorities.

    In her book Succeed, psychologist Heidi Grant Halvorson explains it’s more helpful to focus on “getting better” rather than “being good.”

    When we focus on the latter, we tend to tie our self-worth to achievement and see ourselves either as a success or a failure. With the former, we are more open to the idea that skills, capability, and achievement are malleable things we can influence with our beliefs and behavior.

    When I tell myself the story that something has to go exactly to plan or it’s a total failure, I’m less likely to try things, I’m less open to feedback that will help me improve, and ultimately, I’m less likely to grow.

    If I try something and it doesn’t work out, it might feel painful in the short-term, but I know I’ll feel much better (and prouder of myself) looking back and knowing I’ve tried than looking back at a missed opportunity.

    I’ve also learned that it’s important to define “good enough” on my terms. Other people might have different ideas about what it means and looks like, but I can’t control that. Equally, there will always be someone who is smarter, more talented, more accomplished, more X and more Y than I am. The only person it’s helpful for me to compare myself to is me, yesterday.

    2. I focus on who I want to be more than what I want to achieve.

    Unhooking my self-worth from external achievement is still a work in progress, but one of the things I’ve found most helpful is focusing on the bigger picture. Sometimes this looks like asking myself, “How important is this particular thing going to be to me in ten years’ time?” (Usual answer: not very!). More often than not, it involves shifting from thinking about doing to being.

    While many of us place a huge amount of stock on external achievement, there are usually many variables beyond our control that influence the outcome of a situation. Even if we do our best and do everything right, we might still feel “not good enough” because those external variables mean we didn’t get the gold star or top prize.

    What we do have control over, however, are the qualities we embody. When I find myself slipping into “not good enough” thoughts, I find it helpful to stop and ask myself: Who do I want to be today? This reminds me I want to show up in my life as a creator, not as a victim, with compassion, not judgment, and calmly and wholeheartedly, rather than fighting an internal war.

    3. I focus on all the things I’m getting right (as well as the things I think I’m getting wrong).

    My inner critic is a champ at highlighting all the things I’m doing wrong and all the ways I could improve, usually with a big helping of shame and judgment on the side. A big part of my journey has been learning to turn down the volume on this part of my internal dialogue and turn up the volume on the part I call my inner mentor.

    My inner mentor is also good at pointing out things I could improve, but she does it with a very different tone.

    She is also a lot more question-orientated (while my inner critic throws statements around like confetti) and tends to ask open-ended queries like “How could you approach that situation differently in the future?”

    She also balances constructive criticism with acknowledging all the things I’m getting right too.

    I encourage my inner mentor with simple exercises like keeping a “have done” list (as opposed to a “to do” list) and taking time each week to reflect on positive experiences, new opportunities, things I feel proud of, and lessons learned.

     4. I remember just because I think something doesn’t mean it’s true.

    Like my companion at the beginning of this post, I can feel very alone when I’m in the grip of a “not good enough” episode.

    During these times, and especially with the prevalence of curated social media feeds, it’s easy to look at other people’s lives and make all kinds of assumptions and judgments about how well things are going for them, even feeling a teensy bit resentful about how challenging our life feels compared to how easy theirs seems.

    Having spent the best part of the last decade working with emotional support in one capacity or another, I’ve realized that “good enough” is not the result of circumstance, achievement, money, or success.

    The Latin root of the word compassion is “suffering with.” Everyone feels like or fears they are not good enough at some point or another. Fearing that we are not good enough doesn’t make us not good enough; it just makes us human.

    Remembering this helps me feel less alone, which enables me to start gently challenging that voice and asking “Is that really true?” “What are the other alternatives here?” “How would I respond if my best friend was telling me this?” and “Who would I be without this belief? What would I do differently?”

    Finally, I’ve learned there isn’t a “one size fits all” way to feel comfortable and enough within ourselves. There are many different paths to the same destination, and the right path for us is the one that fits our values, feels truthful, and helps us connect with whom we truly are.

    How do you navigate feeling not good enough in your own life? I’d love to hear what you find most helpful, so leave a comment and share your thoughts.

  • Why We Worry About What Other People Think of Us (And How to Stop)

    Why We Worry About What Other People Think of Us (And How to Stop)

    “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

    I often play a little game with myself when I’m feeling bad. The game is a simple one, and maybe one that some people might find slightly morbid, but it cuts to the heart of the matter.

    I ask myself if this thing that is making me feel bad will matter to me when I’m on my deathbed. Ninety-nine percent of the time the answer is no.

    The things that matter to us when we’re contemplating our demise are the things that are actually important like, Did I love enough? and, Did I do all of the things I wanted to do?

    No one on their deathbed has ever said, “Man, I really wish I hadn’t stumbled over my words during that job interview.” Or, “I wonder why no one complimented me at that party when I was twenty-two.”

    We spend a lot of our time worrying about things that won’t matter to us later.

    You might be thinking, but it matters to me now, and it does. But there are two reasons why it shouldn’t: The first is that worrying is counterproductive, and the second is that worrying about what other people think of you doesn’t serve you.

    Worrying is the most impractical way to use your energy. There has never been a time when worrying if so-and-so would like you, give you the job, or want to be your partner in life contributed to you getting what you want.

    Not only does this not solve your problems, it typically leads to anxiety and overwhelm.

    When things are outside of our perceived control, like when we’re meeting people for the first time, worry kicks in.

    Our minds are wired for negativity—an evolutionary tool designed to keep us safe. But today, this process doesn’t serve us. We’re not meeting bears that might kill us at the event tonight, but our bodies are responding as if we were.

    Just like anything that isn’t serving us, worry can act as a signpost for where we need to dig more deeply into ourselves.

    Worrying about what other people think about you is a key indicator that you do not feel whole without the approval of others. 

    You’re looking outside of yourself to fill something only you can fill. No amount of approval from an outside source will ever make you feel whole. You’ll get it once and need it again and again and again. It’s an addictive cycle that turns you away from yourself.

    I remember when I began dating in my early twenties. I was super nervous because I wanted to make a good impression on whoever I was going out with. I was so focused on appearing likable that I didn’t even consider whether or not I liked him.

    This, in the simplest of terms, is disempowerment.

    We disempower ourselves when we’re more concerned with how other people perceive us than we are about how we perceive ourselves.

    When you are truly content with who you are, you stop being concerned with whether or not other people like you.

    You deserve to live your life for you instead of chasing an ideal your mind has created.

    You deserve to discover who you truly are, and show that incredible person to the world.

    You deserve to have people around you who love and admire you for who you are instead of who you are trying to be.

    There are two techniques that have alleviated my worry about what others think of me. The first is my breathwork practice, a powerful active meditation that gives me clarity, connection to my deeper self, and lightness of being.

    The second is mindfulness, the act of being conscious and nonjudgmental of my thoughts. Once I’m aware of my thought process, I work on actively shifting my focus to something that serves me.

    I recently went through a shocking breakup. It was shocking because the person I had been dating led me to believe he was committed to me, and we were planning our futures together.

    Without warning, he decided he didn’t want that. Of course, there is a natural grieving process when we lose someone we love dearly, but part of my challenge has been letting go of what he thinks about me now.

    I will have thoughts about how he doesn’t hold me in the high regard he once did, and it will leave me feeling deflated.

    In these moments, I am disempowering myself. I am allowing his thoughts about me to matter, and they shouldn’t.

    It’s not that we shouldn’t ever care about what people think about us, but we should care what we think about ourselves first. So in these moments I ask myself who I am and place my attention there.

    If he doesn’t think I’m amazing anymore, it doesn’t matter, because I know I am.

    We disempower ourselves far too often. A simple shift in our thinking can bring us into connection with the truth.

    When you find yourself concerned about what someone thinks about you, bring the focus back to yourself. If you’re thinking, “I hope she doesn’t think I’m a flake.” Ask yourself, “Am I a flake?” If you know the answer is no, then you’re good. Release it and move on.

    If the answer is yes, then take note and forgive yourself for it.

    When you spend time wondering how other people perceive you, you create stories that are often far from the truth. In order to change, we have to be able to see ourselves, accept who we are by giving ourselves love, and then make new choices.

    Worrying about everyone else’s possible thoughts doesn’t contribute to positive transformation.

    When I’m on my deathbed, the people who are going to matter to me are the ones who chose me, the ones who really saw me, the people who chose to give me love even when I fumbled.

    These are the people who matter.

    And it will matter to me that I lived a life I was proud of, that I was able to get to know myself and share that person with the people I love.

    So, you have to learn to be your own advocate. You have to stop giving your power away to other people.

    Like meditation practice, each time your mind wanders to the thoughts of other people, bring it right on back to yourself. Fill up that void with your own love. Stand in your own power. Show people who you really are, unapologetically.

    Don’t wait for someone else’s permission to be amazing. If they don’t see it in you, it doesn’t matter.

    The truth is that if they don’t see it in you, it’s because they don’t see it in themselves.

    We are all acting as mirrors for one another. Don’t try to be the broken version of someone else. Be the best version of yourself and your own biggest fan.

  • How to Live a Rich Life Without Lots of Money

    How to Live a Rich Life Without Lots of Money

    Woman with Coffee

    “Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.” ~Oscar Wilde

    Does the race for riches leave you unfulfilled?

    Does the thought of constantly chasing ever more cash leave you stressed, depressed even?

    Does the whole idea of measuring your personal worth in terms of your personal wealth leave you deeply dissatisfied?

    It did for me.

    Poor in possessions and somewhat fiscally challenged, I never fit in with my richer friends.

    And no matter how much I told myself that money didn’t buy happiness, I still felt worthless because I was worth less … financially.

    So in my thirties, I finally caved in and chased the money dream.

    Five exhausting, stress-filled years of ruthlessly pursuing more money.

    But when I got there, it meant nothing to me. It didn’t make me happy. It made me miserable.

    In those five years, even to the small extent I succeeded, the so-called riches that money can buy actually left me poorer in happiness, health, and relationships. My heart and head were as full as my work schedule, but not with the people and things that really mattered.

    I discovered that rocking a 24-carat rock didn’t rock my world. And bling definitely didn’t make me swing.

    So with no idea where to go from there, I found an empty journal and started a record of the True Riches In My Life. For each year of my adult life, I jotted down every experience, achievement, adventure, friendship won or lost, and every decision I could remember making.

    What an epiphany!

    I realized my life had been full of riches long before I started chasing financial wealth and material gain. I realized most of the truest riches in my life actually came when I didn’t have all that much money.

    Sure, when money’s really tight, it’s not so easy to focus on much beyond finding enough for the essentials. When I was lost in the financial doldrums, struggling to pay my rent, and praying there’d be reduced food in the supermarket, it took up a lot of my mental energy. But I wish I’d known then that I would have felt so much better about myself, about my situation, if I’d recognized the riches I did have.

    Whether I’d had enough money or not, I’d missed seeing all those infinitely precious things because I’d been looking for the wrong kind of riches. I’d been measuring my inner wealth by my external wealth.

    I realized in that epiphany that no matter how much a part of me may have wanted it, I would never be materialistic. It just isn’t in my makeup; I am much more spiritual than material.

    Just like you.

    And even though you can have lots of money and still be spiritual, spiritual people measure true wealth in different terms.

    So forget the race for riches, start your own True Riches In My Life journal, and discover your own inner wealth.

    14 Infinitely Precious Things For A Rich Life

    1. Authenticity

    Forever staying true to yourself and being at peace with who you are is the greatest richness in life.

    Each morning, tell your reflection that you are going to do yourself the greatest service of being you. This act alone makes me feel happier, regardless of my personal financial situation or lack of ‘status.’

    Start your Riches In My Life journal with a declaration of the authentic, spiritually rich person you truly are.

    2. Acceptance

    Overcome your natural desire to control the uncontrollable in life, and replace struggle with acceptance and peace.

    Every time you catch yourself wishing you could change the unchangeable, write it down in your journal, and say, “It’s okay. I accept this just as it is.”

    3. Curiosity

    Childish wonder is still within you. Forever questioning and experimenting is the sign of a rich mind. My most enjoyable days are always those marked by a discovery, where I’ve learned something new, however tiny, that I can’t wait to share.

    Reignite your spark and excitement for life by reading different types of books, learning about different cultures, and delving deeper into anything of interest. Jot down these new discoveries in your True Riches journal—you’ll be amazed!

    4. Creativity

    Creating something from nothing is a courageous act that brings a valuable accomplishment amid the practicalities of everyday life.

    Let your self-expression rule in your journal—start that book, paint that picture, or maybe just sketch out an idea or inventive solution.

    5. Forgiveness

    Letting go of anger or hurt rewards one with peace of mind—a priceless freedom. The act of forgiveness is a true testament to your inner strength.

    Write in your journal and say, “I forgive you, [name].” Don’t worry if you don’t feel forgiveness the first time; it will come in due time.

    6. Gentleness

    Confucius listed gentleness as one of the greatest virtues, and it is a quality you can see in spiritual people from Buddha to Gandhi. The ability to be strong without being abrupt or harsh is a rare and valuable quality.

    Next time the kids or a colleague act up, smile, speak softly, and note in your journal how you stood firm but gentle.

    7. Patience

    Being patient isn’t easy in this age of instant gratification. However, with patience, you can achieve things over time that may seem impossible. Journaling my ideas and projects has taken me from being “Missy, I need it right now or not at all,” to truly feeling the joy that more substantial, longer-term projects bring.

    Next time you start beating yourself up over a missed goal, write a realistic time scale in your journal, and remember to be as patient with yourself as you are with others.

    8. Gratitude

    It takes dedication to notice what you have and be thankful for it. But acknowledging all the good things in each day will make you rich in happiness.

    Challenge yourself to note one thing each day you might have taken for granted, and add it to your journal to build a treasury of blessings.

    9. Generosity

    Giving when you believe you don’t have enough yourself is true generosity of heart. And doing so leads to the realization that you always have enough to share.

    Give someone your undivided attention for half an hour when you think you have no time. In this hectic world, your full attention is one of the most generous things you can give. Write these acts of generosity in your journal.

    10. Kindness

    Being kind brings its own rich rewards—inner peace, happiness, and the knowledge that you are making a real difference in the world, one people will remember.

    Next time you feel unhappy or are beating yourself up, do one small act of kindness for someone, then do one for yourself. Note these in your journal.

    11. Compassion

    To understand and feel another’s pain is a truly selfless act. It allows you to appreciate the areas of ease and plenty in your own life.

    In your journal, note all your compassionate thoughts and actions. I find these to be the most powerful of my journal entries; they wrap a security blanket of all that I’m blessed with round me each time I re-read them.

    12. Love

    Making that emotional connection with others, whether it’s your partner, family, or friend, brings an abundance into your life that money can never hope to match.

    Each day, tell someone you love them, and write in your journal every time those wonderful words are said to you.

    13. Vulnerability

    Letting down your defenses and showing your weaknesses allows others to see the full picture, not just a silhouette. Being vulnerable builds trust in relationships. This is my Achilles heel, but by consciously letting others in, initially unremarkable relationships have blossomed into great friendships.

    In your journal, record all your positive experiences of being vulnerable to help you build this rewarding habit.

    14. Contentment

    Realizing you already have abundance in your life brings serenity and contentment. Achieving this in a materialistic world takes a special skill.

    In your journal, read through all the infinitely precious things other than money that you are wealthy in. Acknowledge all the wealth you already have because, as the proverb says, “enough is a feast.”

    Find Your Real Riches

    Imagine being unconcerned about the race for riches.

    Imagine no longer stressing over constantly chasing ever more cash.

    Imagine measuring your personal wealth in terms of your personal worth, and feeling true contentment with the result.

    Start that True Riches In My Life journal.

    Embrace the genuinely spiritual person you are, and be at peace for the incredible riches you bring to the world.

    Woman with coffee image via Shutterstock

  • What to Do When People Always Underestimate You

    What to Do When People Always Underestimate You

    Woman Silhouette

    “You can’t base your life on other people’s expectations.” ~Stevie Wonder

    Being blatantly underestimated is simply a part of my life.

    No matter what I’m doing, the ordinary will seem extraordinary, and the extraordinary will seem insurmountable to those who look at me for the first time. There is no way I am contributing the same amount to society as the rest of the world.

    These are not drawn conclusions on my part; I have been told these very things straight to my face. People perceive me this way because of the white cane in my hand, the badge, letting everyone know of my lack of vision.

    The most extreme instance of this happened while I was riding the bus, heading to an early college lecture. The man boarded the bus and sat down next to me. After he asked me how I was, and I answered as politeness dictates, I asked him the same.

    His response was, “I’ve been better. I just got out of prison.”

    The conversation went downhill from there. He told me that he had wanted to “throw in the towel,” “call it a day,” “end his life.”

    He then said to me, earnestly and sincerely, “but seeing you, and realizing how horrible your life is, there’s no way I could take my life. You’ve inspired me, showing me that someone has it much worse than I do.”

    As I rode that bus down to the university I attended, and he rode that bus to who knew where just after getting out of prison, a knot of bitterness tried to wriggle its way up my throat.

    I had been completely underestimated without a second thought, my life relegated to mere scraps of what it actually was because of one small quality.

    When people hear the word “prejudice,” they automatically think of the worst instance of judging another and immediately put themselves in the innocent category. There is no way that we underestimate or discriminate in the way that the word prejudice makes us think we do. The word, however, in the Marriam Webster dictionary is simply defined as:

    “An adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge.”

    It is extremely easy for someone to glean one small fact about another person and immediately begin to underestimate them without realizing it. Because of this, so many of us are being underestimated for circumstances out of our control. It could be that:

    • You are in an entry level position, inexperienced in your field as you continue to learn and grow
    • You are between jobs, and you’re constantly searching
    • You’re young or unmarried or in an uncertain place financially, and a baby is on the way
    • You have a physical or a mental disability
    • You find yourself in a career that the world thinks will yield no return.

    Even though you are, without a doubt, a uniquely valuable, talented person, that one small circumstance has the potential to bring you down in the eyes of the world around you.

    Though the general advice for people in a situation where others are commenting in a negative way is to not listen to the rest of the world, it can be difficult, when day after day, we are repeatedly told that we are less than we actually are.

    I know how it feels to be underestimated. I know how it feels when low expectations are heaped upon me without a second thought.

    I have, however, learned a few incredible lessons about being underestimated, and I’ve learned how to, for the most part, combat the pressures of being underappreciated.

    So, for those of you who are underestimated because of a circumstance that you can’t control, I hope these actionable steps can help you as they have helped me.

    Know Your Worth

    This is the easiest, most straightforward step you can take to keep negativity from dragging you down. It is, however, one of the hardest steps to actually put in to practice. When people tell us that we aren’t as valuable as we know we are, it can be easy to begin to believe them.

    You have to intentionally, consciously remember how valuable you really are. Here are a few ways to bring this abstract, but essential step in to the practical:

    Compliment yourself.

    Whenever you hear a negative comment aimed at you, combat it with a positive one.

    Compliment yourself when you look in the mirror. Compliment yourself before you walk out the door in the morning. Positively affirm yourself, bringing the qualities that make you unique and valuable to the front of your mind.

    Bring to mind the reasons for self-pride.

    No matter how insignificant they may seem, if you’ve done something in the past that you are proud of, or you are doing something now that propels you forward, these accomplishments can show you that the one small thing you are being underestimated for is actually not that important when you really think about it.

    Show pride in yourself externally.

    What I mean is, walk confidently, make smart clothing choices, do each of your actions to the best of your ability, and eventually your feelings of self-worth will soar.

    It’s also harder for people to underestimate you if you look as though you know what you’re doing. It might seem as though you’re trying to fake it until you make it, but trust me, you won’t have to fake it for long.

    Educate Those Doing the Understanding

    As someone who is totally blind, I have learned something very important: there are many people out there that are just ignorant and misinformed. They’ve never interacted with a blind person before, so they simply don’t know any better.

    Once I begin to talk to them, share my story, show them that I am just like anyone else, many of them begin to have much higher opinions of me and what I can do.

    Everyone has a story, and it can be therapeutic to open up and share it. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a stranger you’re talking to for the first time, you can have a chance to bring that person a perspective that might not have been known before.

    You don’t have to share your life with every person you meet, but misinformation and lack of understanding plays a huge part in the underappreciation of others.

    Surround Yourself with Like-Minded People Who Understand You

    These are the people you can vent your frustrations to, the people who will bring you through when others want to put you down.

    This step, for me, is key to keeping the positivity in my life. I already have to deal with people who may or may not see me in the way I see myself, so why would I want to go home and experience that, or invite that kind of negativity in to my life?

    Sometimes, the people who are around you the most—your family, your friends, your colleagues—are the ones who are doing the underestimating.

    I know this can be the hardest part for some of you, which is why it is all the more important to find a small inner circle that can support you where you are. Your inner circle should be the ones to cheer you on and stand with you, from a position of wanting to lift up and not pull down.

    If you find a group like this, and the underappreciation becomes too much, they will help you stay sane. I can promise you that. An open mind and a readiness to meet new people and forge relationships is really all you need to begin connecting with others on a deeper, more supportive level.

    Join a group of like-minded people, such as a meditation or yoga group, an intuition development class, a writer’s club, anywhere that will allow you to feel supported and connected. When you begin to meet with people, be prepared to share and open up, at least a little. These people are there to connect in the same way you are, and being open and authentic breeds trust.

    These types of relationships aren’t built in a day; it will take work and consistency to see results, but if you have a desire to connect, people will understand or feel that on a deeper level and will want to reciprocate. Connections like these can lead to the most fulfilling relationships, which are the kind that can help to combat low expectations and negativity.

    Prove Them Wrong

    The people who are doing the underestimating think they know something about you that, for some reason, you don’t know about yourself. You, however, have the home court advantage; you know more about yourself than anyone else ever can or will.

    • You know how valuable you truly are.
    • You know from what place most of these people are speaking.
    • You know that you can communicate with someone who will lift you up.

    And, at the end of the day, you are the one with the plan for your life. You are the one who knows how successful you are and can continue to be.

    So, you are the only one who can put one foot in front of the other and just keep on moving, even when others think they know the exact reason why you should stop. You are the only one who can prove them wrong.

    In the end, you are the one in control. No matter what anyone thinks or says, you choose your life and your path.

    If you know your own value and keep moving forward, if you understand the mindset of the people around you and hold on to those closest to you who love you, you will begin to see a transformation in the perceptions of those you encounter throughout your life and within yourself.

    Woman silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Stop Giving People Power

    Stop Giving People Power

    Stop giving people power

    Source: Power of Positivity

  • If You Don’t See Your Worth

    If You Don’t See Your Worth

    If you don't see your worth

    Source: Live Life Happy