Tag: worry
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4 Tips for Managing Stress from a Combat Veteran
“Buddha was asked, ‘What have you gained from meditation?’ He replied, ‘Nothing.’ ‘However,’ Buddha said, ‘let me tell you what I lost: anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age, and death.’”
“I never get stressed.”
I used to say and think this all the time when I saw someone freaking out about an upcoming test, a bad grade, relationship problems, or a boss or coworker.
I had a false sense of being “carefree” because I wouldn’t get stressed over the trivial things that most people did.
I was a “battle hardened” soldier recently back from a deployment in Afghanistan. When I saw people worry about those inconsequential things, I would think to myself, “Please, you have no idea what it means to be stressed.”
As it turns out, my understanding of stress was wrong. It’s also wrong for a lot of people who believe they aren’t stressed.
It wasn’t until I started meditating three years after my deployment that I started to realize that I was stressed—just in a different way and from different things than most people.
After meditating every day for a couple months, my “ah-ha” moment finally hit me.
I was sitting in traffic, late for an appointment (I hate being late), watching all the people around me freaking out. For once, I was calm and collected sitting in that traffic, thinking, “Why freak out about something I can’t change?”
That was when I really started to see the benefits and began reflecting on my past.
I realized that since returning from my deployment, I had become very irritable, not a great people person, and had very little patience.
The reaction time between something happening and my response was almost immediate.
If my girlfriend confronted me about a problem, I would immediately either get defensive and blame her or just shut down and ignore her.
Literally all of this started to change, just from consistently meditating for eight minutes a day!
My life has been drastically different since then. I am much more calm and collected. I don’t get upset over little things, especially if they’re out of my control.
My response time to a stimulus has greatly increased so I can choose the type of reaction I have and think about what to say.
My relationship with my wife (the same girlfriend from before) is incredible, and we know how to communicate like mature adults by allowing time to see the reality of a situation and choose how we respond to it.
I’ve brought about an awareness that allows me to continually grow as a person and manage the hidden stressors that often go by unnoticed.
This is just part of a long list of benefits from meditation, and I could go on and on… like how nice it is to be able to travel in third world countries without constantly keeping an eye out for ambushes or looking for my next piece of cover (a habit I had from deployment).
Although it’s great to talk about meditation and its benefits, what I really want people to understand is that there may be a lot more stress in your life than you realize, and when you meditate you become aware of that stress and are able to shift how you respond to it.
When it comes to this type of stress, the older you are, the worse it gets.
If you have ten, twenty, thirty-plus years of having negative experiences without intentionally prioritizing positive ones, you are much more likely to easily become stressed and have a negative view of the world.
The more hidden stress you experience, the more efficient your body gets at activating your physiological stress response, commonly known as “fight or flight” mode.
Ask yourself this: Were you, or someone you know, once “carefree” but are now afraid of heights, flying, and think natural disasters and shootings are about to happen whenever you leave home?
Well, you can thank your body’s efficient adaptability for that. The more stressful situations you have (and yes, watching all the negative things on the news is stressful), the more your body thinks it needs to switch into the fight or flight response to keep you safe.
That means your brain becomes more efficient at recognizing even the smallest of stressors, and less efficient at calming down or noticing positive things.
For me, it was a condensed time period that required a lot of worst-case scenario thinking. When you are constantly exposed to driving on roads with IEDs (improvised explosive devices), that stress response will condition your physiology to tell you that roads are a very dangerous place.
The same thing happens if you only watch the news; you’ll have a very misconstrued perception of the world, and you’ll be constantly feeding the bias your brain has for negative experiences.
Evolutionarily, your brain has needed to remember negative experiences to protect you much more than it needed to remember positive experiences. It takes time to undo this wiring of neural pathways that your brain has put in place. But it can be done, and meditation is a great way to build new “positive pathways” in your brain.
There’s an enormous amount of ways to meditate so I’ll share what I’ve personally done and am still doing, in the hopes that it will help you as well.
1. Basic mindfulness meditation
I started my practice with a book called 8 Minute Meditation. It takes you through a series of different styles, most of which I liked. But from this I continued to do a simple meditation every morning of focusing on my breath. Just doing this lead me to the “ah-ha moment” I mentioned earlier.
2. Meditation apps
I also use a couple different apps now that I like to use mid-day or at night. In particular, I like the “loving kindness” options, also known as “focus on positive”. This is perfect for trying to counteract the negativity bias and rebuild positive neural pathways. There are a lot of options out there, including Calm, which is free.
3. Reading
This may not be thought of as meditation, but if meditation can be doing one task effortlessly with focused concentration on that one particular task, then reading is a type of meditation for me.
I easily enter what’s called “flow state” when I read. Not only that, I’m reading positive things which helps shape the way I think. The other end of this could also be “not watching the news”, just like I don’t like putting junk in my body by eating it, I don’t like putting junk in my body by watching/hearing it.
If reading isn’t quite your thing, then try listening to podcasts. Preferably podcasts that lift you up and feed your brain with positivity and learning. These can be easily listened to on your way to work, at the gym, cooking, walking, or you can just sit down and listen.
4. Walking
Walking is such an undervalued way to de-stress. I love walking for a lot of reasons, pretty much any major life decision my wife and I have made in the past few years has been made while walking.
In terms of meditation, walking meditation is an awesome practice. It’s a great way to bring about your awareness while getting the benefits of moving your body. Odds are, you walk at some point in your day. So if you’re strapped for time, use walking from the car to work as time to practice mindfulness.
After hating being late to the point of stressing out, I now tell myself, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. In the here, in the now.” This has helped me drastically. Check out Thich Naht Hahn’s How to Walk for more.
There are a number of other ways to help you de-stress and become a more relaxed, positive person. These are just some ways to get started and feel less anxious, worried, and negative.
Start to use some of these strategies and it’ll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders that you didn’t even know was there.
Meditation vector image via Shutterstock
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The Introvert’s Brain: Why They Might “Think Too Much”
“Only those who care about you can hear when you are quiet.” ~Unknown
I find it difficult to be understood. I seem to frequently create complexity out of something that is perhaps very simple and straightforward to others.
For example, going to a movie. For many people, it would be “choose a movie, choose a time, choose a cinema” and there you go.
For me, I check movie reviews, all possible timings, in all possible cinemas. For each timing and location, I will consider if the timing allows other things to be done before and after the movie, and whether the location has sufficient food and shopping options. All else being equal, the location with the cheapest parking fees wins.
Yes, I take a long time to decide on a movie outing, and more on issues with much bigger consequences in life.
In the recent years, I have had to make some rather big decisions about my life, on career and family. Judging from the process I go through to make a decision on a movie, you can imagine the epic journey I went through for each big decision.
My brain had a field time linking every single option to different possible outcomes. Even issues that were once unlinked would somehow be connected to one another the more my brain was allowed to think. And after that, my brain took the liberty of developing Plan A, Plan B, and even Plan C for each scenario.
Naturally, with such a repertoire of scenarios, my brain went round and round as it tried to take care of even the worst-case scenario.
There is a saying that if you cannot do much about something, there is no point worrying about it. But I always feel that I can do something. I can mitigate the impact of bad outcomes if I take careful calculated actions—that is why I think, I plan, then I do. Only when the worst-case scenario could be taken care of would I be ready.
To reach that stage, it took months (if not years). If I tried to explain to a select few friends that I trusted, I found myself bringing up the intricacies of each carefully-devised thought, fear, hope, and plan.
Most of the time, I would elicit a response like “You think too much” or “Don’t be so pessimistic” or “Be more positive.”
Perhaps the one that I dreaded to hear most was “be happy.” I was trying to be happy—I was taking charge of the difficult issues in my life, but in the process of sharing my elaborate thought process, it seemed to people that I was the one creating unhappiness for myself.
In the end, I shut up.
Perhaps it was my fault that I could not articulate my thoughts better. Perhaps I was too long-winded; people generally do not have the patience to listen to the epic journey in my brain. Perhaps they disagreed with some parts of my assumptions, or could not understand the situation sufficiently to appreciate my fears and concerns.
Whatever the possible reasons, I did not want to be discredited for my thoughts and feelings. The epic journey had been too arduous to be brushed aside with “don’t think so much.”
In a way, I wish I could stop that intricate elaborate deep-thinking process. I envy those who can just be happy-go-lucky, not think much, just do and deal with whatever consequences may come. However, science has shown that the brain is wired differently for introverts and extroverts.
German psychologist Hans Eysenck found that introverts have naturally high cortical arousal and may process more information per second. They get overwhelmed and tired quickly in environments with a lot of stimulation, such as a loud restaurant.
Positron emission tomography (PET) scans showed that introverts had more blood flowing in their frontal lobes and anterior thalamus, regions of the brain that recall events, make plans. and solve problems.
It looks like I cannot help it, since I am born with this brain.
With such a brain, all life experiences play a big part to stimulate and shape thoughts. Childhood, adolescent, social interactions, work, family—everything.
As an introvert thinks, s/he connects all the dots, linking past and present experiences much more than extroverts would.
Let’s say we have an introvert, born to a loving and nurturing family, who has close-knit friends and relatives and a cooperative work environment. And we also have one who is not. Which one is more likely to develop positive linkages and hopeful thoughts when forming their outlook in life?
I guess I have come to accept that even good friends may not be able to understand me. Or they might label me as “the one who thinks too much” and has a high dose of pessimism. They may even start to stay away from me, as conventional wisdom advises that one should surround himself with positive and optimistic people.
But I want to question: Do we just dismiss people because they appear “unhappy people” or “pessimistic people” at a point in time? Are they lesser beings just because they find it difficult to handle life as optimistically as others? Everyone has a story. At any point in life, maybe your story is happier than someone else’s.
Let me illustrate using examples from some of my favorite animated movies.
Mr Carl Fredricksen in the movie Up would be dismissed as a grumpy old man who offered no smile or generosity to even a little wilderness explorer. But he was not always unhappy. He happily fell in love and married, but lost the love of his life and his motivation when his wife passed away.
Elsa the ice queen in the movie Frozen would be dismissed as cold-hearted and aloof, but what would you expect of a young girl who grew up locked up in a room because she nearly killed her baby sister and was deemed dangerous by her parents?
Marlin the over-anxious father in the movie Finding Nemo was happily married and about to be the father of 400 children. Then a barracuda showed up, killed his wife, and ate all but one of the babies. The one baby that survived was born disabled. After carefully raising Nemo and letting Nemo attend school, the kid was immediately kidnapped by a human. Can you blame Marlin for his anxiety?
Take heart though, those who truly care will know how to reach out.
Mr Fredricksen, Elsa, and Marlin could have remained as they were had it not been for Russell (little wilderness explorer), Anna (Elsa’s sister), and Dory (the blue fish memorably voiced by Ellen DeGeneres) respectively.
They cared enough to stick by their miserable companion/sister, to encourage and give support. They offered a different perspective to gently draw their friend out of their fears and doubts.
I had always believed that only another introvert can understand and care for another introvert. But I am wrong. Russell, Anna, and Dory were extroverts and optimists.
Although they might not have fully comprehended their introverted friends, they cared enough to never stop reaching out. I realize these are cartoon characters, but I’ve known Russells, Annas, and Dorys in my life and I appreciate and cherish them. There are not many, but a few truly kind and caring friends are good enough for introverts.
If you have had similar experiences as me, we should stop beating ourselves up for “thinking too much.” Whether we are blessed or cursed by our deep-thinking brain, we have to live with it and harness its strength.
We are naturally empathetic and will be the ones that best offer comfort and support when others are down. What we say or do, we have thought through carefully. We are trusted for our steadiness and thoroughness, and ability to understand complexities.
Yes, we can become more self-aware and accept that we have the natural tendency to go very deep. With that awareness, we can develop control over our brains to push ourselves to the surface once we have gone a little too deep.
We can make miracles if we adapt these abilities to a world where extroverts are in the majority.
In fact, they say the best teams comprise of an introvert and an extrovert (e.g. Apple’s Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, and Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg) due to complementary strengths and weaknesses. And let’s not forget Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi, Bill Gates, Abraham Lincoln and Warren Buffett who are famous for their powerful introverted brains.
On my part, I have learned to control how much I share, to control my tendency to articulate the epic journey of my decision-making process, lest I attract a “you think too much” remark.
I have learned to be comfortable with the brain processes I have, and not feel the need to always justify my thoughts and decisions. Less is more, for people who cannot, will not try to understand us. And if anyone cares enough, they can hear even if we are quiet.
Brain image via Shutterstock
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Overcoming Fear-Based Thinking and Creating a Happy Mind and Life
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” ~George Addair
My parents were teenagers when they had their first of three children. I was the middle child. They were uneducated, poor, and had very difficult upbringings.
As I recall my childhood, most of what I remember is how fearful both of my parents were.
They were constantly stressed out about money, the kids, the tattered house, the rusty car, and everything else in their lives.
My mother, my first role model, was so scared of the world. She definitely had an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. She was afraid to drive a car, afraid to eat in restaurants, afraid to go shopping, afraid of strangers.
She was completely crippled by fear.
In order to cope with all their anxiety, my parents often turned to binge drinking and smoking.
I remember watching the cigarette smoke form a thick haze throughout the house. My siblings and I had no choice but to inhale the second-hand smoke every day. Even our clothes and school books smelled like an ashtray.
I hated to see them drink because it often led to angry outbursts.
Throughout my childhood, I witnessed many painful and sometimes tragic events. My parents’ reaction to such events was always overdramatized and downright scary at times. They never knew how to cope in a civilized or peaceful manner.
Needless to say, my childhood was filled to the brim with fearful experiences.
I desperately wanted to free myself from all the pain and fear. I just wanted to break free and be happy.
I vividly recall, at the age of eleven, making a promise to myself that I would do my best to get out of that mess. I knew my only escape route would be to study hard, go to university on student loans, and get a good job.
I locked myself in my bedroom, wearing sound blocking earmuffs, and studied every day until I graduated from university at the age of twenty-three.
Graduation day was one of the best days of my life. I finally got my ticket to freedom and happiness. At least, that was what I thought….
After that, everything fell neatly into place. I got a good job, got married, bought a nice house, and had two beautiful children.
But, despite all of these wonderful external experiences, I hadn’t escaped the clutch of fear. It was like a leech from childhood that wouldn’t let go.
I often cursed my parents for saturating me with such fear.
I made sure to hide it, especially from my loved ones and coworkers. I didn’t want my children to suffer like I did, and I didn’t want my employer or coworkers to see my weakness.
But the fear was building. It was starting to beat me up. I wouldn’t be able to hold it in much longer.
I had to figure out how to deal with this fear, and I had to do it fast.
My heart and soul told me to dive deeply into the spiritual aspect of life.
I diligently consumed a huge amount of spiritual/self-help/philosophical literature, attended numerous classes and retreats, and faithfully practiced much of what I had learned.
I was enthralled by it all and genuinely excited. This world wisdom resonated to the core of my being.
I finally found the tools necessary to help catapult me to the other side of fear.
Over the past several years I’ve adopted many spiritual practices. They have not only helped me deal with fear, but have improved every aspect of my life.
Here are the top lessons I’ve learned:
1. The present moment is powerful.
There is so much clarity, peace, and joy in the present moment. To truly let go of the past and stop fearing the future is liberating. It’s the doorway to freedom.
Daily meditation is one of the best ways to fully experience the present moment.
I have a handful of meditation techniques in my toolbox, but I often resort to simple breath meditation for thirty minutes a day to help ground me in the present moment. As well, I practice mindfulness daily.
One way I practice is to eat mindfully for one meal each day. I am fully present while I eat. I eat slowly and I engage my senses. I pay attention to how the food looks, tastes, and smells. I feel it in my mouth and how it settles in my body. I try to experience the food as though it was my first time ever tasting it. With such focus, I inevitably slip into the present moment.
It doesn’t matter if you meditate, practice mindful eating, or turn any other daily activity into an opportunity for mindfulness; what matters is that you create time to practice living fully in the present moment.
2. Awareness is essential.
We are not what we think we are; we are not our thoughts. With this higher level of awareness, you can step outside of yourself and watch your mind as it races from one thought to another. And you can witness your habitual emotional reactions to those thoughts.
You become the empowered watcher of your mind instead of being lost and entangled in the web of thoughts and emotions. You realize that you have a choice in how you react to your thoughts and feelings.
To give you a more concrete description of what I’m talking about here, I will give you an example of how I use a higher level of awareness to deal with potentially stressful situations in everyday life.
I had an important work project to complete and I started to feel overwhelmed because I thought I wouldn’t be able to meet my deadline.
Rather than automatically defaulting back into my fearful feelings, thoughts, and reactions, I stopped myself immediately. I took a few slow deep breaths and focused on the sensations of my breathing. This helped me connect with the present moment and offered space between my thoughts and my actions.
Then, I spoke statements to myself that made me feel better, including: “It’s not the end of the world if I can’t finish this,” “My boss knows I’m a good worker and he may extend the deadline,” and “If I take a few minutes to relax my mind, I will work more productively.”
The simple acts of stopping myself, focusing on my breath, and talking positively to myself brought me to a higher level of awareness. I realized I had a choice in how I could think and react. Within a few minutes I calmed myself down completely and I successfully finished the project on time.
3. Happiness is within.
All of the great spiritual teachers, masters, and philosophers of the world share the same message that happiness cannot be found outside of us, in the external world. There is no person, place, material possession, or amount of money that will bring you true, lasting happiness.
Rather, happiness is found within. You have to spend time taking care of yourself and closely evaluating what makes you feel happy. It will vary from person to person.
My first encounter with true inner happiness occurred during meditation. I had been practicing for about a year at that point.
As I sat in stillness, I felt myself gently go beyond the tangle of thoughts and emotions. I shifted from a baseline of worry to a feeling of peace and happiness. It was wonderful. I finally tapped into a state of consciousness that was hiding inside of me my whole life.
I also feel happier inside when I eat well, exercise, sleep well, practice gratitude, spend time with loving friends and family, and listen to uplifting music.
Shift your focus from externals and you’ll be better equipped to identify the little things that bring you peace and joy.
Final Thoughts
I was dumped into the depths of fear when I arrived on this planet. But with courage, focus, belief, and desire I ploughed myself a path to happiness.
My life today is quite the opposite to that of my childhood. Now, I enjoy my life. I appreciate and love my family, friends, and the life I have built.
Please don’t get me wrong—my life has its challenges. Challenges are a normal part of human existence.
But now, I have the tools necessary to prevent myself from defaulting back to my old, habitual, negative, and fearful way of thinking. Instead, I try my best to focus on the good in life and consistently reach for the valuable lessons in every difficulty.
Today, when I look back at my childhood, I feel love and forgiveness toward my parents. I now realize that they tried their best from where they stood. They were just human beings lost in the whirlwind of fear and struggle.
In fact, without my childhood, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I feel that my childhood clearly showed me what I didn’t want and, in turn, it forced me to focus on what I really wanted in life, what we all want—to be happy.
Happy brain image via Shutterstock
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Put Down the Heavy Burden of Worrying
“People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.” ~George Bernard Shaw
You could say I had a type. Most girls I’ve dated have had a few things in common. Historically, I’ve been attracted to dark-haired deep thinkers—old souls with just a tinge of sadness in their eyes. Emotional pain is a sign of character.
There is nothing like looking into a woman’s eyes and exploring decades (if not centuries) of wonder and worry hidden beneath a stoic, classic composure. There is an attractiveness to being slightly worn down by the road.
But Jane was different. Jane was light.
Is it better to date someone similar to you, or do opposites attract? Jane and I were an experiment in opposites.
In conversation I have a tendency to wade through heavy philosophical banter. Where is America heading? If there is free will, why do individuals lean toward conformity? What is the meaning of life?
But Jane merely laughed and changed the subject. She was absolutely free, and had the singular objective of living each day to the fullest. Without trying, Jane innocently pushed me outside my comfort zone into a place far sunnier than I was accustomed to being.
My thoughts couldn’t be burdensome with Jane because she didn’t speak my common language of doubt and regret. She shed light on every dark corner my mind would wander.
The Unbearable Heaviness of Being
Having been born on the frozen tundra of Minnesota, a place molded by practical values and a sense of solemn responsibility, I had been conditioned to see life as something heavy.
Maybe it’s the infamous winters, or an unspoken guilt still lingering from the 1860’s Sioux massacres, or maybe it’s the perpetual bad luck of the Minnesota Vikings. Whatever the origins of the struggle, the attitude is clear—too much fun is not to be trusted. We hold our worries close to our chest.
Jane made me rethink everything. For her, having fun was life’s highest virtue. Problems brushed off her like breeze off a tulip. The ease with which she lived didn’t make sense to my ego.
“Life is hard,” my ego would say. “There is so much I need to worry about. What if I run out of money? What if I lose my job? What if people think I’m stupid? My burden is heavy. I can’t take life lightly because if I put my guard down everything will fall apart. I need my problems. Having burdens validates my existence.”
Whenever my ego started pontificating about life’s hardships, I heard Jane’s polite rebuttal.
“Stop being so dramatic,” she would say. “You invent problems to justify your heaviness. But heaviness itself is the problem. Let go of the weight you are carrying. Life is a story we tell ourselves. So make the story good. Nothing—and I mean nothing—is serious enough to sacrifice the enjoyment of the present moment.”
Burden is a choice. Sure, problems come and go. But it’s our reaction to these problems that defines us. We can take problems heavily or we can take them lightly. Heaviness won’t make your problems easier; it will make them harder. Lightness sets us free.
Life is a roller coaster. Once you are strapped in, you’re off. You can either tighten up and be miserable during the process of life, or you can let go and enjoy the ride.
Stop Making Sense
“I dance for no reason. For reason, you can’t dance.” ~Saul Williams
I think too much. In fact, most people I know think too much. Human intelligence, as amazing and useful as it is, has a dark side. When we over-think life, we create narratives that cut ourselves off from the true north of our higher self.
You are not your thoughts. You are the consciousness from which your thoughts arise.
The smoke and mirrors of mental analysis make us miss the great connection of consciousness surrounding us. We can’t see the forest because we’re fixated on the bark of a single tree. Maybe this is a universal consequence of the ego. Or maybe I just know a lot of nerds.
The reality of consciousness goes beyond logic. What does this mean? It means that every person has an energetic vibration. The energy we radiate communicates more deeply than our actions and words.
Your very presence is a vibrational state that communicates with everyone around you, openly and honestly, as effortlessly as oxygen from a plant. Try as you may, you can’t hide it.
Is your energy heavy or light? A heavy vibrational state is draining. Light vibrations uplift.
Heaviness repels synchronicity. Lightness attracts.
Heaviness is the glorification of self because taking life too seriously makes the ego feel important. But by placing your own concerns on a pedestal, you isolate yourself from others and become separated from the whole of existence.
“Smart people are not happy,” the ego says. “When you analyze life, there are too many rational reasons to be concerned. The infrastructure of society is crumbling. The wealth gap is at an all time high. How can I simply let it all go and enjoy my life?”
“Burden is a choice,” the higher self says. “Sure, there are problems. But taking problems too seriously only makes them worse. Is it logical to let go of worry? Not always. But dancing is also not logical. When you dance, you choose to value experience over the logical implications. We dance for no reason. But once we begin, the rhythm clicks. It all makes sense.”
Of course, not every experience in life should be taken lightly. When facing tragedies such as illness, injury, death, and addiction, a serious approach should be taken. Sometime we need help from others, and it’s important to acknowledge when this is so.
But in the course of daily life, life tends to come to us more easily when we come to life more easily.
If It’s Heavy, Put It Down
When the student is ready, the teacher will come. Our teachers sometimes appear in ways we least expect. Jane was a teacher. She gave me a glimpse of what it means to love life without worry or judgment.
Our breakup was amicable. Our polar worldviews held the relationship in equilibrium—for a while. But the balancing act of lightness and heaviness eventually become too tedious to manage. It was inevitable.
Love is bright. When it shines on our scars we feel exposed. The lightness of being can be painful, but it’s the only way to heal our inner darkness.
Burden is a choice. When we release the attachment to our burden, the weight is lifted. All too briefly, Jane showed me how to rise above the heaviness of life. And I’m still learning how to remain there.
On our last night together, I rolled over in bed and finally asked her the question I had been thinking for months. “Your life is effortless,” I said. “How do you float the way you do?”
Jane laughed. “Because I take myself lightly,” she said.
Woman with umbrella image via Shutterstock
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7 Lessons to Learn If You Want to Thrive in Life
“Embrace each challenge in your life as an opportunity for self-transformation.” ~Bernie S. Siegel
I’d been having mild pain for about a week—a consistent, dull ache in the center of my chest.
I’m thirty-nine years old with no personal history of heart disease, or of anything else for that matter. Worry hadn’t yet consumed me, but I was keeping an eye on the pain to see if it got better or worse.
Once a week I drive ninety Los Angeles miles round trip for work. I say “Los Angeles” miles because I should theoretically be able to make the journey there and back in just over two hours, but it can take up to five, since I spend almost the entire commute on the perpetually traffic-ensnarled 405 freeway.
It was during this commute that the pain began to feel more intense. I thought my left hand felt tingly. My mind, always a little bit anxious when driving in LA, ratcheted up the worry ten-fold.
I envisioned having a full-on heart attack while driving in rush hour traffic. I made a mental laundry list of the ensuing consequences, such as passing out and losing control of the car or what would happen to all of my debt if I died. Whose lives would be irrevocably changed for the worse?
I managed to calm myself down enough to make it home, but once there my dutiful and pragmatic husband suggested a trip to the Emergency Room. I was in no shape to argue, and truthfully was grateful that he echoed my own escalating concern.
During my visit to the ER and the subsequent overnight hospital stay, I had lots of opportunities to overreact and feel sorry for myself. I’m sure I did quite a bit of both. But I also saw it as an opportunity to remember and to practice some of the hard-won lessons I’ve learned over the years.
1. The most important things in life are worth waiting for.
It’s no surprise that the name for someone receiving medical care is the same as the word for tolerating delays without becoming annoyed or anxious.
The ER was so busy the intake nurse joked that they must be running a special she didn’t know about. After taking my vitals and determining that I was not having a heart attack at that very moment, I was sent to the lobby where I waited for over five hours to be seen.
I almost talked myself into leaving several times, convinced that if I really was experiencing something serious they would have seen me right away. But I have a family history of heart disease, and the pain wasn’t going away, so I opted to stay.
It turns out that I (thankfully) don’t have a heart problem, but that was not for me to determine.
In our modern age of instant gratification, exercising patience can be a real challenge, especially because we’ve become accustomed to getting what we want right away. But there’s a reason why people often say the most important things in life are worth waiting for—they are. Particularly when your well-being is at stake.
2. A little kindness can go a long way.
“Be nice to others and they will be nice to you” doesn’t always pan out, but when you’re in a busy hospital with doctors and nurses who are stretched to their limits and beyond, a little kindness goes a long way. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be firm when necessary, but remember the person you’re talking to is a human being.
Be respectful. In most cases, you’ll find that respect is reciprocated. Everyone has feelings, and most people are doing the best they can with the tools and resources they have.
3. What works for others may not work for you.
If learned nothing else from this incident, it is that nitroglycerin is not my friend. Yes, nitro is a life-saving wonder drug that opens blood vessels so blood can continue to flow through damaged heart tissue. But if you are prone to migraine headaches as I am, taking a nitro tablet as a precaution is just plain awful.
Nitroglycerin did nothing for my chest pain, but it did give me an instant, crushing headache that lingered for three days. If nitro is going to save my life, I will certainly take it. But if I’m taking it as a precaution, I will think twice in the future.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to every problem. Sometimes knowing what doesn’t work is just as important as knowing what does. It can literally save you a headache or two down the line.
4. Happiness is being grateful for the small things.
I was finally admitted to a room at 2AM, with a roommate restlessly snoring in the next bed.
I felt dehydrated and a little nauseated from taking a cocktail of meds on an empty stomach. All I could think about was how much better I would feel if I could just eat a cracker, so I asked the nurse who brought me to my room if she could possibly bring me one.
A few moments later she returned with not one, but eight crackers—and two cups of apple juice! I almost cried with relief and gratitude. I think I thanked her four times, which she seemed to appreciate.
I also asked if she might have any earplugs, when I noticed a small box on the bedside table. It not only contained earplugs, but also a face mask, a book of crossword puzzles, a pencil, and—what felt like the best thing in the whole world—ChapStick! I actually squealed “OOO, CHAPSTICK!” out loud with delight.
I gave a silent “thank you!” to the genius that thought to include ChapStick in that box while I slathered the stuff on my lips and downed the crackers and juice. I popped in the earplugs and fell asleep with lubricated lips and a stomach that was no longer doing gymnastics.
It’s the small things, people. Finding joy in the seemingly insignificant moments and the small gifts is how to find happiness every day, even in the most trying circumstances. I think the choice to be happy is one of the most transformational decisions a person can ever make.
5. Laughter is the best medicine.
I did not sleep well that night. The earplugs didn’t really help to cancel out the various noises coming from my roommate, including the spa piano music she was playing to help her sleep.
But as I lay there listening to her snore, she suddenly blurted out in a thick Polish accent, “Wrong chef!” She then mumbled something under her breath and continued the buzz saw serenade. I laughed out loud, wondering what she could possibly be dreaming about.
Amusing things happen every day. Don’t get so caught up in the serious moments that you can’t have a laugh or two. Studies show laughter actually improves health, and will most certainly lighten your mood.
6. We could all use a little compassion.
While it could have been easy to be seriously annoyed by my roommate, I chose instead to practice compassion. Yes, she was an obstacle preventing me from getting rest. But she was also in the hospital because she wasn’t feeling well.
Couldn’t we all use a little extra compassion from others when we aren’t feeling our best? Letting go of my irritation not only allowed her to continue doing whatever it was she felt she needed to do in order to feel better, it actually made me feel better.
One night of poor sleep isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Being compassionate is.
7. Now is the time to prepare.
There really is no feeling worse than knowing you are woefully underprepared for serious circumstances.
This isn’t to say you should be constantly worrying about the future, but having the courage to face the inevitable consequence of life (which is, of course, death), can mitigate much of that worry. I don’t want my loved ones to be left in the lurch with my passing.
It’s finally time to admit that I’m a grown-up and I need to act like one, which means obtaining life insurance so my family doesn’t find themselves saddled with financial responsibility they aren’t prepared to handle when I’m gone.
—
Sometimes it takes big, scary moments to remind us that the quality of our lives is not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to those experiences.
Why wait until you’re confronted with a serious situation to adopt one or more of these behaviors? Not only will it make your daily life richer and more meaningful, but it’ll also give you the tools you need to survive and thrive when life takes an unexpected turn.
Strong, confident woman image via Shutterstock
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Freeing Yourself from Fear: 4 Lessons from Anxiety
“The only journey is the one within.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
Out of nowhere, my heart starts to speed up. I can’t get a deep breath; it feels like I’m slowly suffocating.
My throat and chest start to hurt, I suddenly feel weak, and my thoughts race through my mind. A desperate feeling comes over me. I lose control, can’t think straight, and can’t stop shaking. I feel restless and don’t know what to do to feel better. And suddenly, this feeling fades away.
Afterward, I feel a little depressed, confused, and tired. Sometimes I cry; sometimes I just sit on the side of my bed, staring right in front of me. I may not fully understand why I just went through this, but I know it was an anxiety attack.
I’ve had anxiety attacks for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I’m pretty sure why they happen (lots of stress, an argument with a family member, or just a bad day); most often I have no idea.
Sometimes there are some warning signs (I feel touchy or overwhelmed or can’t breathe effortlessly), and sometimes it comes out of nowhere. I know it’s not dangerous, so why does it feel like I’m in danger anyway?
I know the theory; something happens, and that makes me scared (often, unconsciously). My body prepares the fight-or-flight response, adrenaline comes in my bloodstream, and that causes symptoms like a rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, and tingling limbs.
I don’t always recognize those feelings in my body because it often seems like there’s no reason for fear, which confuses me.
After all these years and after countless anxiety attacks, I’ve learned to live with them as best as I can. Surprisingly, my anxiety attacks have been useful for me. Through them, I’ve learned four important lessons.
1. Ask the right questions in life.
When I was younger, I often asked myself why this happened to me. Why did anxiety ruin my life? Why did it make me feel terrible and insecure? Why me? But those questions didn’t really help me. They made me feel vulnerable, insecure, and unsatisfied with my life.
Through the experience of anxiety, I’ve learned to ask helpful questions instead, such as: What can I learn in this situation? How am I going to grow through what happened? What could be my next step? How am I going to cope with my feelings? What can I do to make it better?
These questions gave me direction and prevented me from getting stuck in my anxiety. Asking the right questions has helped me get through a lot of tough situations, like being jobless and dealing with relationship issues.
2. Live in the moment.
Life became unpredictable with all those anxiety attacks. I had so much to think about: Did it all happen because of something in my past? What would my future look like with all these fears? It didn’t make me feel happy, and caused a lot of stress.
I realized I had to live in the moment to feel okay, so I decided to live in the here and now. Yoga and deep breathing helped me focus on the present so I was less likely to dwell on the past or worry about the future.
I learned to enjoy the good moments and get through the bad ones as best I could without making them worse with my thinking.
3. What’s really important?
Anxiety attacks take a lot of energy, and often I felt tired afterward, so I had to carefully manage my energy. That brought me to the question: What’s really important in life?
There were a few things that were important to me, such as spending time with my good friends and my pets, practicing yoga, and playing sports. They gave me energy, lifted me up, and made me happy, so I prioritized these.
I also moved away from draining people and activities. The friend who always complained about everyone and everything is no longer part of my life. And I’m fine with that.
4. Believe in yourself.
My anxiety attacks made me feel insecure. I never felt like I was good enough or able to do simple things, like go out with friends or work in a foreign country. It took some time and therapy, but I started to see possibilities and worked hard to improve my self-confidence.
Last year I took the step to go to France for a few months, and yes, I had some anxiety attacks. But I did it anyway and I had a great time. You can do so much more than you think if you believe in yourself.
—
I always thought anxiety kept me from reaching my goals and living a great life. I now realize it was me. I cried a lot of tears, but kept on fighting and gave myself countless chances to grow and develop.
There are still times when my heart starts to speed up out of nowhere, but I know how to handle it now. My life is more than just fear. And yours is too.
Peace of mind image via Shutterstock
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10 Ways To Declutter Your Mind For Clarity, Focus, Peace, and Balance
“Life is as simple or complicated as we make it.” Donna Smallin
The dreaded “C” word. Clutter.
We all deal with it. In some part of our world, we face it: be it in our closets, in our offices, or even in our bodies. But the most distracting and debilitating cluttered space is in our heads.
You know the feeling. Driving on autopilot to work. Forgetting important dates. Leaving the water running or the stove on. Stumbling over words, unable to make a point.
When we’re caught up in our heads, distracted by worry or fear, we’re not present or clear-headed. And when we’re not clear-headed, we lose the connection to ourselves, our environment, and our lives.
Mental clutter pulls us off center, disrupting our balance. It can get so jumbled and disorderly up there that we end up lost in la la land.
Clearing Clutter At The Root
Fortunately for me, I grew up in a big, loving family. However, a big family tends to hold all sorts of clutter. Raised with four siblings sharing one bathroom, one TV, and one telephone, let’s just say it got ugly. Probably didn’t help that Mom was a shopaholic and Dad was a packrat.
The claustrophobia of my childhood left me wanting to live clutter-free.
It wasn’t until my college years away from home that I started noticing how my mind was the cause of any clutter I carried with me; nothing and no one else was to blame.
After a huge quarter-life crisis, I saw how I was compromising my own clarity and life balance with my own head-trash—the junk I kept upstairs.
I then made a conscious choice to declutter my life, starting at the root of it all—my mind.
But how do you begin to clear away the clutter you can’t see?
Decluttering the mind requires us to become intentional on where we place our attention and how we spend our time and energy.
Here are some tips to help you do that.
1. Keep a gratitude log.
Gratitude is appreciating what you have. It’s saying that what you have is enough. Taking time every day to consider your blessings will help bring balance to your life. It’s hard to be grateful and angry at the same time.
Spend five minutes every day to note at least five things you’re grateful for. Some ideas: time with a friend, an award at school, your seatbelt, your breath, the colors in the park, and even the nourishing beauty of a rainy day.
2. Journal.
Whether digitally or with paper, journaling is a wonderful release of pent-up thought. By writing down your thoughts, worries, hopes, and experiences, you are finding respite from the chatter inside your head.
Even though you’re still thinking of these things as you write, it’s like you’re observing the situation from ten feet away, no longer completely absorbed in the emotionality of it.
Try to journal every day for however long it takes to feel peace on a topic. The more you do it, the faster the peace comes. Like in therapy, simply letting it out is healing because we’re relieved of the burden of keeping it all inside.
3. Laugh.
Laughter has been proven to be the best medicine for relieving stress. It eases defensiveness, lightens your emotional load, and lifts stress off your shoulders. It brings balance to your psyche because laughter is presence.
Practice not taking yourself so seriously and laugh more often. Really laugh. A deep, hearty, Santa laugh. Watch comedies, hang out with funny friends, go to a comedy club, read the Sunday comic strips, or play with your kids or your dog. With so many options, stress doesn’t stand a chance.
4. Zone out.
Take time to rest your mind every day. Let your mind shut off from having to process, apply, or interpret information. This means no TV, no conversation, no reading, and no problem solving.
Take a break from the chores, from the duties of the day. Let the breath come and go naturally, and the eyes roam wherever they want.
Look at the trees sway, the clouds float, the stars shimmer. Afterward, when it comes time to work, you’ll find focus more easily than before your mini-retreat.
5. Control your media intake.
Watching or listening to anything and everything just because it’s on doesn’t bode well for your psyche. Subtle opinions, biases, and judgments creep into your mind and embed thought structures. Oblivious, you then form opinions that aren’t your own, simply because you heard it on the radio.
Start really paying attention to the noise that you let seep into your eyes and ears. Ask, Is this benefitting my life in any way?
6. Get creative.
As often as possible, connect with your inner child by exploring your imagination. Let curiosity lead. When it comes to opportunities to get creative, there are plenty! A few of my faves: puzzles, coloring, drawing, singing, dancing, and even making a meal from scratch.
The point is to get lost in awe and wonder like you did at five years old. When you achieve that feeling from a certain activity, keep doing it!
7. Exercise.
Move. Sweat. Stretch. Get active and get your endorphins going! Exercise helps control your weight, prevent illness, boost energy, and improve your mood. It helps you sleep better, feel better, and focus better.
Find an activity that inspires you to raise your heart rate—dance, yoga, martial arts, running, walking, whatever. If maintain some level of frequent activity, it will serve your health and well-being for years to come.
8. Get clear on your priorities.
To figure out your top priorities, list your goals, your motivations, and those relationships that matter most to you. Then rank them in order of importance to your well-being. These are the things, respectively, that you’ll want to spend the most time on.
Evaluate anything that comes between you and your priorities—is it worth you compromising on what matters most?
9. Do something kind for another person.
The late Zig Ziglar said, “You’ll get everything you want if you help others get what they want.” Whatever we feel is lacking in a situation is something we’re not giving. And anytime we feel lack or longing, we’re out of balance.
Sounds counterintuitive, but if you want to see more of something in your life, start giving that thing away—be it love, money, or attention.
Make it a point every day to be kind with your actions, your words, and especially your thoughts.
If you don’t feel genuinely moved to lend a helping hand or pass along a compliment, simply smile instead. That act alone is enough to improve your mood and clear the mental blockage between you and compassion.
10. Let go.
Since when does worrying get you anywhere? Release those useless, negative thoughts of worry. When we do this regularly, we drastically reduce the amount of “stuff” that needs our attention and depletes our energy.
Drawers and cabinets are not the only areas that need tidying. Our minds are full of thoughts in the form of judgments, expectations, and fears that blind us from the truth. Try monitoring your mind and replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. You’ll soon notice a change in your entire outlook on life.
Maintaining A Balanced Life
Life’s full of surprises. We control how we respond to them, and the best way to strike a balance is to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Life’s unpredictable course is our opportunity to meet surprises with acceptance and grace.
It helps to have an open mind.
Your turn: What are some ways you find clarity, focus, and balance in life?
Meditating man image via Shutterstock
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How to Stop Weighing Yourself Down with Emotional Junk Food
“Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” ~Rumi
I want to feel better. Who doesn’t? Yoga makes me feel better most of the time, but if I am being totally honest, I don’t always choose the healthy option. In fact, sometimes I pick the worst thing for me.
For me, a plate of BBQ wings really hits the spot. That is, until a few hours later when the salt and protein load kicks in and I feel terrible. Again.
While I may oscillate between healthy and unhealthy choices for my body, I know how to get fit through gyms, diet programs, and physicians.
But what about my steady diet of junk food thoughts? How do I stop consuming them and focus on a healthier emotional diet?
Junk Food Thoughts
Everyone knows about the negative effects of an unhealthy lifestyle, but no one teaches us about the negative health effects of our thoughts.
Worry, stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, and fear are the potato chips, processed foods, and chocolate cake of our emotional life. As satisfying as they may feel in the moment, their negative effects are just as toxic.
And, like we have particular food cravings, we have particular thought cravings.
My First Emotional Cleanse
I built a healthcare company and sold it to a Fortune 500 eleven years later. In 2006, I made the decision to change my career and pursue a path toward my passions.
As I attempted to discover my true desires, I came face to face with my emotional junk food and its effects. I felt terrible, I felt weighed down, and I could not figure out why.
Like my craving for a plate of BBQ wings, I craved certain thoughts when I faced the decision to leave my job:
I cannot leave.
I have to keep my job.
What am I going to do all day?
I am going to be so bored.
I went from $15,000 a year to an executive salary and stock options. Who leaves that?
My parents will never understand or support this decision.
There is something else out there for me.
What if I am wrong and this decision destroys everything I have worked for?The thoughts that I was unaware of were as toxic as the foods I know to avoid. A thought—a single sentence—stood in the way of the life I desired.
How to Stop Consuming Unhealthy Thoughts
Tune into your thoughts.
You cannot stop the negative effects of these thoughts without awareness of their existence. What are your go-to junk food thoughts? What do you tell yourself when you consider changing a relationship, a job, or any other important area of your life?
What is the exact language? Just like you may love a certain brand of chocolate or a certain type of potato chip, you will have exact language for your emotional craving.
Accept their destructive effects on your health.
One sentence can stand between you and your goals. A sentence—a set of words—becomes a belief. This belief will drive your actions. As simple as this is in concept, in practice, changing a few words can change your life. If you change the belief, you can change your actions.
In my case, removing one sentence, “I can’t leave my job,” changed my life.
Trade in your junk food thoughts for nutritious thoughts.
What nutritious foods do you like? Kale? Salads? Smoothies? Veggies and hummus? Likewise, what nutritional thoughts do you like?
Replace junk food thoughts with nutritional thoughts and free yourself to pursue your dreams.
Some examples of nutritional thoughts:
Are you avoidant?
Today, I will step forward.
I believe in my abilities.
I am ready.
I will take one action a day until I complete my goal.Are you angry with someone?
Today, I will have compassion.
Anger is poison.
When others hurt me, they are in pain and I have tapped into my pain.
I don’t personalize other people’s pain.Are you holding on to resentments?
Today, I will let go.
Resentments have no value.
Letting go does not mean I accept this person into my life.
I am not a victim.Are you always behind and do your lists have lists?
Today, I choose me.
I will schedule one thing for myself today: a massage, a manicure, a workout, or a quiet room with a book.
This is my life.
I drive the choices I make with my time, even if it does not feel like it.—
I wanted to leave my job and step into a career that was more aligned with my passion. One day, I discovered my problem was not the mundane details involved in changing jobs. It was the deep craving for my destructive thoughts.
This time I reached for a healthier option:
It is my right to follow my passions
I am going to write, even if it is not perfect.
I trust that my path will become clear, even if it is not obvious now.With these simple sentences, I changed my career and found the passion in my life that I really craved.
I still struggle to make healthy choices, but now I understand that I have to forego my favorite BBQ wings and resist my favorite junk food thoughts.
Jumping woman image via Shutterstock
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5 Things to Remember When You Start Worrying
“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.” ~Benjamin Franklin
Have you every worried yourself to the point of emotional, even physical exhaustion?
Do you often feel stuck, anxious, or mistrustful of the world around you?
I know what it’s like to feel trapped by worry—in fact, I have always been a chronic worrier.
I worried and obsessed mostly about the hypothetical, the imaginary, the infinite variety of “what-if” scenarios. Eventually, I convinced myself that if I worried about every conceivable thing that could go wrong in my life, I would either avoid them altogether or numb myself of their effects.
As time went on and responsibilities increased, the worries intensified. I became anxious about raising my children well. I worried about money, career, and what people thought of me.
Then one day, I experienced a mild panic attack. Feeling overwhelmed with all I needed to get done that day, I began to experience dizziness and intense feelings of fear.
For a moment, I felt like I was living in an altered reality as my legs wobbled beneath me, and my heart pounded in my chest. I quickly found a private place to sit until the feelings passed.
I knew this was a wake-up call. I needed to find ways to manage my worry and anxiety before it got worse.
Over the years, I’ve found that embracing the following five truths stops worry from spiraling out of control:
1. You are not your worry.
For a long time, I did what most people who worry do—I tried to make it stop. I quickly learned that trying to block thoughts of worry was like trying to stop a river from flowing.
I eventually learned a simple but profound truth that changed everything for me:
You are not your emotions.
This is the power of detachment. Not the detachment that tries to be stoic but the one that allows you to feel your emotions without identifying with them.
I began to apply this by observing myself non-judgmentally as I worried. As I continued to observe myself, I learned to be at peace with my inability to stop worrisome thoughts. But I also learned that I could change my response to those worrying thoughts for the better. The same can be true for you.
2. Worry cannot exist in the present.
We rarely worry about problems we presently face. Worrying is a future-oriented activity fueled by uncertainty and anticipation.
The truth of this realization was another game changer for me. As I reflected, I could see that all of my worries were about a future I could not control. What about the past? The only past events I worried about were the ones I feared would adversely affect my future.
Want to avoid worry altogether? Stay in the now. I learned to do this through mindfulness meditation. A simple mindfulness technique is to focus on your breath when you begin to drift away from the present. Let each inhalation and exhalation ground you right where you are.
3. Worry can be confined.
If you’ve ever struggled with worry, you know that it can easily consume your entire day. This happened to me regularly. Once I learned to accept my worry, I decided to confine it rather than allow it free reign over my life. I would set aside a limited amount of time to allow my mind to worry intensely on its latest subject. At the end of that period, I would let it go.
Want to confine your worry? Try scheduling ten to thirty minutes a day for worry. Use this time to visualize your anxious feelings, write them down, and come up with an action plan for dealing with the root causes of your worry. If the worry reappears outside this scheduled time, postpone it until the next worry period.
4. You can give away your worry.
Have you ever noticed that your worry intensifies the more you focus on yourself? In the past, I used my worry to draw myself inward. I focused on my own needs and ignored the needs of others. It rarely helped to reduce my worry.
One of the things I learned by observing myself was my tendency to forget about my worries when I worried about other people and helped them with their needs. I let the onset of worry be a signal to call a lonely friend or spend time with a loved one. I learned to give my worry away.
5. You are human.
The greatest source of my worry was my attempt to be superhuman. I was trying to be all things to all people. I worried incessantly about what they thought of me. Instead of beating myself up for not living up to everyone’s expectations, I decided to embrace my limitedness. I cannot please everyone, and I am at peace with this truth.
It’s Time to Take a Stand
I know it might seem hard for you to integrate these tips, especially if, like most of us, you’ve struggled with a long-standing habit of coddling worry rather than openly challenging it.
But you can break down this habit one step at a time. Imagine a life without the controlling effects of worry. A life where worry itself is controlled and confined. Imagine no longer being emotionally drained by worry so that you can be truly present to those you love.
Stand up to worry. Today.
Separate yourself from it. Confine it. And let it go.
