Tiny Buddha

Tag: worries

  • How to Stop Fearing the Worst and Worrying About “What Ifs”

    How to Stop Fearing the Worst and Worrying About “What Ifs”

    “Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.” ~Charles H. Spurgeon

    There’s nothing like a real health emergency for putting insignificant worries into perspective.

    By the time I was pregnant the second time, I had left my struggles with anxiety largely behind me. Having been to therapy years earlier to find coping mechanisms for managing my ever-present phobias, I was in a fairly good place when I learned I’d been given a second chance at having a child.

    But worry is as much as part of me as breathing, and having lost a pregnancy the year prior, I spent the first eight to ten weeks of the second one constantly preoccupied with the what-ifs that tend to haunt anxiety sufferers, even reformed ones like me.

    One day in week forty, after many hours of irregular contractions, something told me I needed to check myself into the hospital. It was a different feeling than the one I’d experienced during my panic attacks, which was always induced by the fight or flight response.

    It was calmer, and felt more peaceful. So I listened.

    Once I got there, the midwives discovered my blood pressure was 200/110 (stroke territory). I was in the middle of a hypertensive crisis caused by undiagnosed pre-eclampsia—a dangerous condition that affects a small percentage of pregnant women worldwide.

    They admitted me immediately, and a scene from an emergency room TV drama ensued. Machines screamed. Nurses ran. Doctors were paged. IV’s were administered.

    Between waves of doctors and nurses I learned that if they didn’t succeed in getting my blood pressure down soon, I could seize, stroke out, or suffer irreparable damage to my liver and kidneys.

    To further complicate matters, my son was starting to show some signs of distress, and I got the sense from the folks in scrubs around my bedside that they weren’t quite sure how to manage it.

    Through it all I remained surprisingly calm, somehow at peace with what was happening around me, despite the many hours I’d spent worrying about just such an event in the past. I felt saddened by the possibility of dying—or worse, losing my son—but not panicked or afraid.

    When my son was born, healthy and strong by emergency C-section, then I truly understood the futility of my past concern.

    Having survived the incident unscathed, I spent the next six years of my life working on building the skills that keep the time-suck that is anxiety from ever coming back.

    If I had to tell my past self something I’ve learned to prevent unnecessary suffering, it would go something like this:

    Don’t argue with a fool. (People may not know the difference).

    One piece of advice for anxiety sufferers I read and hear often is to take a deep breath and reassure yourself that you are safe, your anxiety can’t hurt you, and your fears are all in your head.

    Anxiety is irrational, and no amount of rational thinking will banish unnecessary worry or anxious thoughts. In fact, trying to fight irrational thinking with logic can be counterproductive and lead you down the rabbit hole of self-doubt.

    Instead, respond to irrational fears by accepting that there is a (however remote) possibility that what you fear may come to pass, but also trust that if it does, you will have the tools to manage it.

    Don’t ask others to argue with a fool.

    Mental illness is tough, and having support from friends and family is key to making it through unscathed to the other side.

    Asking your friends and families to tell you why your fears are unfounded and your worries are irrational is not asking for help—it’s asking for validation.

    Many of us suffering through anxiety believe that if we can’t trust our own logical arguments for why everything is going to be okay, maybe someone else can make it okay for us.

    This kind of behavior often serves to undermine your self-confidence and create codependent tendencies, since you’re relying (most often very ineffectively) on others to manage your anxiety for you.

    Find a more productive focal point.

    A few years before my pregnancy, when I was first treated for anxiety, my therapist taught me a trick I carry with me to this day.

    Anxiety needs a focal point, but with a little sleight of hand you can find one that is less disturbing than your worry.

    When embarking on a trip to Cabo for my friend’s wedding (I’m afraid to fly), she told me to wear the most uncomfortable outfit I could tolerate for the flight. I chose a tight, itchy strapless corset, and spent a good nine hours trying to fight the garment’s pinch.

    Guess what I wasn’t doing, though, while cursing my existence? Worrying about plane crashes.

    Over time, I’ve found many other tools to help me stay present and banish unnecessary concerns. If I have a legitimate worry, I take action to mitigate risks and try to move on with my life.

    If there’s nothing I can do, I occupy my mind with something else. I practice yoga. I wear itchy underwear. Most of all I trust. I trust that I can deal with any unexpected hurdles life might throw my way.

    And if for some reason I encounter one I can’t manage, it simply was meant to be, whether it’s what I want for my life or not.

    And then I move on and enjoy the moment. Or at least I try, anyway.

  • A Simple Technique to Quiet Your Mind and Be Present

    A Simple Technique to Quiet Your Mind and Be Present

    “Get out of your head and get into your heart. Think less, feel more.” ~Osho

    Meditating. It’s one of those things that we all know we’d be better off doing, but most of us struggle with it immensely.

    It’s difficult. It’s hard to find the time. And it often doesn’t seem like it’s working.

    For many years, I’ve tried to make meditation a regular habit. But rarely can I do it consistently. It’s almost always the first thing to go when I’m crunched for time or feeling stressed.

    Of course, those are the times that meditation is best!

    But, for someone like me who has difficulty paying attention in general, the standard “beginner’s meditation” is often insufficient. It’s quite challenging to do nothing but focus on your breath for five minutes, let alone twenty or more.

    This has only gotten more challenging since moving from a university setting to a full-time job. Now my mind is often so crammed with technical details of troubleshooting health information systems that the idea of shutting off my mind for even a few minutes feels nearly impossible.

    I know I’m not alone here. Many people struggle with this, and it is a nontrivial problem. I’m not an insomniac, but on numerous occasions I’ve been completely unable to go to sleep because I simply cannot shut my mind off long enough to pass out.

    Sometimes I’m concerned with what someone said to me at work that day. Sometimes it’s missing my family and friends. Sometimes I beat myself up for not going to the gym that day. And sometimes it’s just a whole mess of thoughts that I can’t quite pin down.

    As such, I’ve been in the market for a meditative technique that can be done any time, anywhere, for as long or short as I’d like, and without requiring the ability for sustained attention. I believe I’ve just found this technique.

    Before going into it, I would like to acknowledge the fact that having the ability to sustain your attention for extended periods is invaluable, and absolutely worth working toward. The technique I will be discussing should be used to help build this capability, not to replace it entirely.

    The Technique Sensory Awareness

    Rather than directing your attention inward, say, toward your breath, what about directing it outward toward the world around you?

    This is an approach that I first came across right here on Tiny Buddha, when Lori described “the noticing game.”

    The idea is that you can expand your awareness by paying attention to the things around you, and trying to notice as much of your environment as possible. A great, common example of this would be “people watching.”

    The noticing game has helped me tremendously as a meditative technique, but it does have its limitations.

    For instance, I’ve found that it tends to cause a feeling of separateness—that I am in some sense isolated from whatever it is that I am observing. In addition, I have a tendency to search around more frenetically than I should, trying to notice the “coolest” thing in my environment.

    Surely, this is not the intention behind the exercise, but I do feel as though it is a consequence of the simplification that comes from looking at it as a game. While the noticing game has benefited me greatly, I’ve recently been taking it to the next level with a slight modification of that approach.

    A couple weeks ago, I came across a great method of expanding my awareness in a fascinating book about Kabbalah, or Jewish mysticism. You can think of it as a more generalized or holistic version of the noticing game.

    The goal is to maximize the use of your sensory perception.

    When we are not conscious of it, we filter out a huge quantity of sensory data that is not useful for whatever task we are trying to accomplish. This is a great evolutionary strategy, and it also gives us the opportunity to expand our awareness whenever we feel like it. Double win!

    First, let your vision expand peripherally. No need to turn your head, look around, or change your body position at all. You can see (at least in my experience) about 50% more of your environment simply by being conscious of it. Try it out now!

    Expanding your visual awareness like this makes you feel more alert and “in the moment.” In other words, it does much of what traditional meditation does, but without needing to focus on anything in particular.

    But why stop at just visual perception? You can pay more attention to the sounds in your environment as well.

    You need not focus on a particular sound; simply let the noises in your environment get consciously registered in your mind. Huge amounts of ambient noise gets filtered out, but you can easily remove that filter for short periods of time, thereby noticing much more of your environment.

    Next, notice your body. Right now, I’m quite aware of an uncomfortable twinge in the center of my back. But until I started paying attention a moment ago, I couldn’t actually “feel” my butt in my seat, or the bottoms of my feet on the ground.

    These feelings simply got filtered out, because they are bland and uninteresting from an evolutionary standpoint. But they’re actually quite interesting as I pay attention to them.

    There’s really nothing new or revolutionary about this technique. In fact, one of its major advantages is the simplicity of the whole thing; there’s no need for any complicated maneuvers.

    We all have much more awareness potential than we actually use in our daily lives. Instead of actively trying to notice specific things in your environment, you can let the environment come to you and soak it all up together.

    Most of us, most of the time, are experiencing life on autopilot. But without a huge amount of effort, we can begin to spend more and more time in a state of calm awareness, where the trials and tribulations of the day become unimportant.

    Our anxieties and concerns take on a fraction of the significance we normally attribute to them. And who wouldn’t want that?

  • Overcome Limiting Thoughts: 5 Ways to Be Happier and More Present

    Overcome Limiting Thoughts: 5 Ways to Be Happier and More Present

    Happy and Present

    “The past exists only in our memories, the future only in our plans. The present is our only reality.” ~Robert Pirsig

    Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed by unpleasant thoughts and feelings? Do they show up like an uninvited guest when you’re least expecting them?

    About eight months ago, I quit a lucrative corporate job in finance to follow my passion, writing.

    Like most things in life, this decision came with a cost.

    And all the angst that comes with it.

    A few months into my venture, I noticed my angst had become a large part of my mental world. I worried I’d run out of money, that my dream of being a well-paid writer wouldn’t materialize.

    I’d admonish myself for leaving a perfectly secure job to chase a pipe dream. “What were you thinking?” I’d say to myself, “I mean, how stupid could you be?

    Eventually, I noticed something interesting.

    All the obstacles to my happiness were about imagined future scenarios (i.e.: I will never earn a living again), or doubts about past choices (i.e.: Did I make the right choice by leaving a lucrative corporate job behind?).

    None of them were rooted in the present moment.

    In fact, they stole my present moments like thieves in the night.

    Eventually, I realized that if I didn’t deal with these feelings, I’d snap. I had to find a way to deal with these obstacles to my happiness that kept me from taking positive action in the present.

    So I did what anyone would do: I turned to Google.

    I researched various approaches of dealing with my feelings that held me back from acting in the present.

    I discovered meditation and daily mindfulness practice as a powerful solution, and subscribed to various mindfulness blogs.

    A few months down the track, I came across this post by Lori Deschene.

    Lori’s words around letting go of emotions (dealing with the mental demons once and for all) struck a chord with me:

    “Feel it fully. If you stifle your feelings, they may leak out and affect everyone around you—not just the person who inspired your anger. Before you can let go of any emotion, you have to feel it fully.”

    The truth is, you can only let go of feelings after immersing yourself in them.

    Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it?

    But that’s the one thing that always works.

    The following are five great ways to overcome the obstacles to happiness and feelings that keep you from living fully in the present.

    1. Fully embrace your feelings with openness, even the negative ones.

    That’s right.

    Embrace your feelings fully in each present moment and let them pass when they’ve run their course.

    So, if you’re feeling fear, feel it fully in the now. Without reacting to it.

    Watch the fear as it manifests in your body. Fear manifests as butterflies in my stomach and tingling in my forearms.

    How does it manifest in yours?

    Remember, the only way to truly let go of feelings is to allow them to run their natural course with conscious awareness.

    2. Use journaling to create mental spaciousness and increase your ability to let go.

    This is quite effective in slowing the mind down.

    Most writers would agree that seeing your thoughts appear on a page before you is therapeutic.

    Writing also increases your ability to detach from the immediacy of painful thoughts and feelings.

    Journaling is a great way to bring awareness to your destructive thought patterns, so you can change them.

    At the end of each day, write down what you learned from the day. What upset you and what made you feel fantastic? If something upset you, how much of that was based on your interpretation of the situation, which arose from your assumptions about it?

    How often do you journal?

    3. Use your breath to bring your attention back to the present moment.

    Mark Twain famously said, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

    So many of our fears (future projections) never actually come to pass.

    And anyway, the past and the future live only in our imagination—in this present moment.

    When your mind is fully in the present, you can’t engage in fearful thoughts about the future or regretful thoughts about the past.

    So, focus on your breath in this present moment.

    The benefits of doing this are as follows:

    • It brings your attention back to this moment.
    • It engages your mind in something non-conceptual.

    What’s your breathing like right now? Is it deep? Shallow?

    4. Recognize that your reaction to events dictates your life experience, not the event itself.

    In his book called Your Erroneous Zones, Wayne Dyer explains the importance of separating our reactions to thoughts from the thoughts themselves.

    Imagine this.

    Cal agonizes over the idea that his boss thinks he’s stupid. He loses sleep over it. It’s the bane of his existence.

    Now, let’s say Cal had no idea that his boss thought he was stupid.

    Then he wouldn’t be unhappy, right? How could Cal be unhappy about something he didn’t know?

    The point: Cal’s boss’ opinion isn’t making Cal unhappy. It’s Cal’s reaction to his boss’ opinion that’s making Cal unhappy.

    By taking ownership of his reaction of his own thoughts, Cal can take charge of his mental world.

    He can choose to react differently to his boss’ (low) opinion of him. Cal can choose to give his boss’ opinion less importance by recognizing that it’s one person’s opinion among many.

    Paradoxically, this would actually enable Cal to see it as constructive criticism and better himself as a result.

    Think about the last time you were upset. What were you telling yourself about the event that upset you? Were you upset because of your reaction to the event or because of the event itself?

    5. Discover how your underlying assumptions are secretly affecting your life.

    Our underlying assumptions, of which we are often completely unaware, are responsible for a lot of self blame and distress.

    Let’s go back to my example at the start of this post.

    My feelings of fear, anxiety, and worry were all based on an implicit assumption that my writing career should have taken off within six months. My assumption just wasn’t valid. Getting traction as a writer often takes years.

    My underlying assumptions were wrongly implying that I had failed without me realizing it.

    Once I recognized the absurdity of the underlying assumption, the feelings of fear around never being able to launch a successful blog dissipated immediately.

    What are the underlying assumptions that have you judging yourself harshly?

    —

    Conquering your demons isn’t easy, but nothing worthwhile is.

    Sure, it’s often uncomfortable to embrace your feelings fully, or to be mindful of how your underlying assumptions are sabotaging your life. But each of us has the capacity to do it.

    The question isn’t, “Can I do it?” but rather, “Will I do it?”

    If you want to live a full life, resolve to set yourself on the path this very moment. Right now. Don’t put it off for another second.

    You have to realize that this life is yours to be lived to the fullest. And only you can determine your attitude toward letting go of self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.

    So take a deep breath. Breathe in this moment. And give it your best.

    Right now!

    Happy yoga woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Turn Worries About the Future Into Action Right Now

    How to Turn Worries About the Future Into Action Right Now

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    After years and years of living with anxiety, I can’t tell you exactly what I have been anxious about.

    Is it a pervasive thought about how my life will end? Is it a constant worry about my financial security? Is it simply that I’m nervous to give a speech in front of people? Or a combination of all of them?

    Even thinking about anxiety causes more anxiety. Ahhh!

    Anxiety is also really hard to define. It’s so subjective.

    I don’t think my anxiety will ever truly go away. I still have thoughts about the future, and the “what ifs” still run through my mind.

    I’m not some blissful angel walking around in a constant state of Zen. At least, this is how I imagine how I would be anxiety-free. There doesn’t seem to be a cure for anxiety that works for everyone. If you find one, please let me know.

    However, I know that I am no longer miserable. It’s different now than before. There are some positive things that have worked for me.

    One of the worst parts of my anxiety was that nobody could tell I had it. When I told people, they responded, “Wow, you always seem so calm and put together.”

    That is not how I felt on the inside. Why was what I felt on the inside so different than how others perceived me? I wanted to change this, and I wanted to be comfortable.

    I have found some ways to cope with and significantly reduce my anxiety about the future. Because that is what anxiety is all about—the future. Yet, I experience anxiety in the moment, not in the future.

    Rationally, this does not make any sense. How is feeling anxious in this moment going to fix or solve any problem in the future? It can’t. Oh, how I wish it were that cut and dry.

    However, telling myself this simple fact somehow helps a little. Anxiety isn’t logical. The more I treat it that way, the less I struggle with it. Still, even if it isn’t logical, it is very real.

    I’ve found that small action steps can turn some of these thoughts into real positive change, which helps me be a little more comfortable. The best part is the more you do them, the easier it becomes. It’s like a muscle you need to keep working out.

    Here is a breakdown of action steps to take when you’re worrying about the future.

    First, acknowledge what you’re worried about.

    Let’s say I have constant anxiety about an upcoming work conference where I know I will have to interact with important people. When I acknowledge that I’m feeling anxious, and why, I can then begin to take action.

    Next, ask yourself, what I am actually afraid of, and why?

    Write it out if you’d like. In the above situation for me, it would have been the fear of passing out or throwing up as someone important approaches me or asks me a question. Why? Because I get uncomfortable in social situations and don’t want to embarrass myself.

    Imagine the worst-case scenario.

    My worst-case scenario is sweating profusely and having a room full of people laughing and pointing at me because of it. Oh, and then I’d have a heart attack. Sound crazy? Think about something unusual you have convinced yourself to be absolutely true.

    Move from fear to action.

    Ask yourself, how can I take this fear and turn it into something I can do today—something that will most likely not cause the absolute worst-case scenario to happen?

    We want to increase our odds here.

    How can I break this down into an action that will help?

    In my case, I could approach some friends at work and make conversation; nothing serious, just more than I usually do.

    Or, maybe I could go home tonight and research one of the speakers at the conference to get to know them a little better.

    If I’m feeling really brave, I could volunteer to present something small to a couple of coworkers or even to an all staff meeting.

    Maybe I could sign up for an improv class to get comfortable in front of people.

    Maybe I could just talk to someone I trust about how I’m really feeling.

    The more I take action toward that future moment, the less pervasive my thoughts.

    Think about the desire to become an expert at something. You can ruminate over and over again how you wish you could play the piano, but it won’t make a difference if you never take action and sign up for just one lesson.

    If you can do something of value at your best today, there isn’t anything about the future you need to worry about.

    You see, every single moment becomes another moment, and then becomes another.

    I’ve found that if I can do one action today toward something I am anxious about, and do it my best, that is good enough for me.

    If you take many small actions over time, when the big moment actually becomes the moment (no longer in the future), not only will it become easier to handle, but you’ll most like realize that it wasn’t worth all the stress.

    I like to think of life in this way: I don’t know how it will all end, nor do I want to. I know that I can’t control my fate. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes. And that’s okay.

    One thing I do know for sure, if I do my best today I can look forward to a future that’s much better than my worst fears about it.

  • How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    How to Reach Your Goals Faster: A Simple Technique to Try Today

    “Stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and focus on what could go right.” ~Unknown

    I used to think that getting to a goal only required tangible action. It was a simple equation:

    • Study hard in high school = getting admission to a good university.
    • Or, diet + exercise = losing weight.

    Yet, life is not always that straightforward. It’s not always just about physical action.

    Just a few years ago, when I was building my first business, there was something getting in my way, something that had nothing to do with the physical action I took. It was worry.

    Building a business has the magical ability to bring any type of fear out in the open. Unexpectedly, I found myself thinking:

    • What if it doesn’t work?
    • What if my friends think I’m crazy?
    • What if it takes forever to get somewhere?
    • Why am I doing this?

    It wasn’t long before I realized that these types of thoughts were interfering with my progress. The more I focused on them, the less physical action I took for my business, and the more likely I was to feel burnt out.

    Most importantly, the more I worried, the more likely I was to take the wrong physical action, the action that would count more as “busywork” rather than “effective work.”

    I knew I had to find a solution out of this. Ugh. “If I were a robot, then I wouldn’t have any of these problems!” I thought.

    Think about it: If we were robots, then these simple physical action equations would actually work. We would wake up in the morning, do our thing, stick to our schedule, and lo and behold, our dreams would materialize. No struggle, no “I don’t feel like doing it,” no distractions, no “What if it doesn’t work?”

    If we were robots, then our productivity would be close to 100%, and we would achieve our dreams two times, four times, maybe even ten times faster! Plus, we would get there without struggle. Aahh, that sounds so nice.

    I realized that physical action was no longer enough. We also need to be in the right state of mind—let me say, the “robot” state of mind.

    If we only take physical action, then we’ll only be working harder for nothing. For example, if you want a promotion, you don’t to only work harder; you also need to communicate your accomplishments so that others know how valuable your contributions are.

    However, if you’re afraid to stand up for yourself, then you’ll be left feeling unappreciated and undervalued.

    So to get the promotion, yes, you need to work harder, but you also need to overcome your fear of standing up for yourself. If you only work harder, then despite your hard work, you’ll still not get the promotion.

    So the winning equation is: Work harder + develop ability to stand up for yourself = promotion.

    If you think like a robot, then you’ll stand up for yourself in full confidence. No problem! If you don’t think like a robot, then all sorts of second-guessing glitches may come up.

    But let me clarify: By robot, I’m not referring to deactivating our feelings. Au contraire! We need feelings to march forward. We need excitement and optimism. We even need worry sometimes. What we don’t need though is excessive worry.

    Worrying about an issue for five minutes and then doing something to solve it isn’t excessive worrying. When we worry about things we can’t control, ask “What if this and that?” and second-guess ourselves, we just get in our own way.

    But how do you worry less? How do you turn self-doubt? How do you think more like robot? The answer lies in this Master Technique.

    Here’s what happens when you don’t think like a robot:

    Say you want to get leaner and fitter. You go to a yoga class where everyone is doing better than you.

    You start thinking, “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    After an hour of berating yourself about not being fit already, you leave the class feeling exhausted, intending to never go back.

    Your mind is stopping you from getting to your fitter and leaner dreams.

    Now here’s how you’ll get yourself back to thinking like a robot, if only you use this Master Technique.

    Use “The BUT Technique” to Reach Your Goals Faster

    With “The But Technique,” you don’t let destructive thoughts stop you.

    How much time are you already spending judging yourself or worrying?

    Two hours every day? Maybe 50% of your workday and 80% of your free time?

    Once you start practicing this technique, you’ll instead spend this time on things that actually make you productive. Why?

    Because negativity, or just aimless worrying, will no longer stop you! You’ll be unleashed! A force of nature!

    How does “The BUT Technique” work?

    “I’m so unfit, I will never become as good as they are.”

    But…

    • Today I worked out more than yesterday.
    • It’s unfair to compare my own first day to other people’s 1,000th day.
    • My body no longer feels rusty, and people in the class seemed supportive, not judgmental.
    • Other people used to be in exactly the same unfit situation as mine, but they found a way to get fitter. If they did it, I should be able to do it too.
    • The walk to the yoga studio was enjoyable, as today’s sunshine was precious.
    • I’ve been in other unfavorable situations in the past, and I managed to turn them around. I should be able to do that with fitness as well.
    • Maybe this class was advanced and I should try something easier at first, so that I get to focus more on getting the poses right, and less on how clumsy I look in the mirror.

    Please notice:

    • With every new “but,” you’ll feel better and better. You’ll feel relief. The more “buts” you include, the more positive mental action you’ll take and the happier you’ll be by the end of the exercise.
    • By taking positive mental action, you’ll stop discouraging yourself from pursuing your dreams. Instead, you’ll encourage yourself to keep going. You might even make yourself feel excited about the delightful life that is in front of you! Now that’s how you become 20, 50, or 100% happier!
    • Make practicing this Master Technique a habit, and you’ll become the happiest person you know. You’ll become unstoppable!

    Why This Technique is So Powerful

    The “But” Technique doesn’t fight with your negative, discouraging thoughts. Doing so would leave you feeling worse than before. Instead, it accepts them and then it moves you forward.

    So yes you are unfit…but…but…but…but…

    And then with every “but” you feel better, until you’re able to say, “Everything is alright” and actually believe it.
    And that’s exactly how you take mental action to achieve your dreams. The more you practice it, the more you can act like a robot—in a good way! 

    I’m now using this technique almost daily. Whenever I find myself worrying about anything, I immediately pull it out of my toolbox. Yes, I worry, but, but, but…

    So now it’s your turn to practice this technique! Take any negative worrisome thought and add but, but, but. Let me know how it works!

  • Using Your Monkey Mind to Redirect Negative Thoughts

    Using Your Monkey Mind to Redirect Negative Thoughts

    Monkey Mind

    “I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    I grew up in what I like to call The Box of Daughter: a rigid structure of rules about values, beliefs, thinking, feeling, and behaving, set forth for me by super-religious parents who grew up in boxes of their own.

    For a large part of my life, my thinking bounced around within the confines of that box—worrying the old worries, thinking the old thoughts, feeling the old pain, and acting out pretty much the same compulsions time after time—stuck in ever-repeating loops of monkey mind.

    I’ve always loved reading about quantum physics and marveling at the infinite possibilities in the universe. But I couldn’t seem to get many of those wonderful possibilities to happen in my life because I was stuck in that old structure, the childhood voices bulldozing their doubts, fears, and negative mumblings right over what I was trying to create.

    As I’ve endeavored over the years to deepen and expand my spirituality, I’ve connected more and more with the divine creative force, the constant, growth-oriented creative energy of life. “This is how I’m meant to live,” I would think, and then I’d go right back to monkey mind.

    I’ve come to believe that there must be a purpose for monkey mind—that nature intended for us to do something with it, that it’s not simply an aberration that evolved in us as life got more complicated.

    One night in the bathtub (which is where I do my best creative thinking), I noticed a correlation between the constant flow of creative energy in the Universe and monkey mind, which is a also constant flow of energy—but in my case, energy that’s ricocheting off the inside walls of the mental box I grew up in.

    After my bath, a hypothesis bloomed in my mind that monkey mind might be a twisted form of what nature originally intended to be constant creative thought.

    My mind turned to one of my favorite pastimes, puttering. When I’m puttering, my mind often flows from one thing to another, seemingly at random, and I usually feel like I’m smack in the now—dealing with one task, then another, in any order I choose to. It may not necessarily be truly creative, but there is a forward flow that I don’t experience with monkey mind.

    When I’m in monkey mind, there are usually only a few selected thoughts going through my mind, circling around and around, bumping up against each other in their rush to be first. There’s no forward movement. I suppose it’s a form of creativity; however, I’m a little fearful of what I create when I’m in monkey mind.

    I’ve been tinkering with different possibilities for manifesting what I want in my life, and that’s led me to discover a way to get out of monkey mind and into creative mind, which not only brings me right into the now, but opens my mind to more and more and more possibilities.

    It’s sort of like the same type of circling thought, but it never returns to the starting place on the circle. The thoughts do not repeat themselves—they curve around from one possibility to the next, to another idea, another way, another dream….

    When I’m working on a task that I hope will encourage something I want to manifest, if I let my creative mind jump from possibility to possibility (“…and then what? And then what happens? And what else?”), I’m able to keep jumping over that little doubting voice that used to create most of my reality (“…it’s not happening, it’s not going to happen, it won’t happen.”)

    As long as I stay in that creative mind, jumping from one possibility to the next like the image I have of a fractal (winding out into more designs and spirals of possibility), that little doubting voice doesn’t have a chance to interject its repetitive thoughts.

    As long as I don’t go back to square one, monkey mind doesn’t get me.

    I’m sure the divine creative force is out there saying to itself, “And what else can I create? What does this make me think of? And what other possibilities might there be?”

    That’s how I think nature intended us to use monkey mind. I can’t imagine It thinking, “Wait, I have to go back and check that flower…Whoops, that tree isn’t quite tall enough… Maybe I shouldn’t have created that volcano…”

    Creative mind is similar to the way I remember thinking as a child: “Why do bumblebees buzz? What do they feel like? Ouch!!”

    But once we get into school, we’re essentially trained to think in monkey mind: reciting facts over and over to commit them to memory, learning the rules of English and using them every time we write (even when we’re writing creatively), and even sometimes having our physical play at recess structured into games full of rigid rules.

    It’s no wonder we learn to think in circles (or in my case, squares) instead of fractally. We learn how to do monkey mind in school, just like we learn how to do everything else.

    So here are a few tips for getting out of monkey mind and learning what creative mind might feel like inside your head:

    1. When doing a repetitive task like washing the dishes, try enumerating to yourself in your mind every step that you’re taking, and start inserting new thoughts.

    “Putting soap on the sponge, rinsing the plate, I wonder who made this plate, rubbing the sponge in a circular motion, and could I rub it the other direction? I wonder what country this sponge was made in, and how are sponges made anyway?” Keep pushing yourself to come up with new thoughts. Don’t let old familiar ones edge their way in.

    2. When you’re making efforts to manifest something in your life, don’t stop with the first picture you get. Keep expanding it.

    “And then what? And what would that mean? And what could I do with that?” Draw other things into the visualization or energy output that aren’t necessarily related in order to keep expanding your vision: “And maybe a surprise would happen, and my health could be better, and I might live somewhere else…”

    I find when I’m trying to manifest that if I try to hold a particular vision for very long, that little doubter elbows its way in and starts telling me how it’s not going to happen. That’s because trying to hold the vision means I’m fixating—same thing as my monkey mind going around in a circle.

    I have to keep changing the vision slightly (preferably growing it) in order to stop fixating, and that prevents the doubter from getting a handhold.

    3. Go for a walk and talk silently to yourself about what you see.

    “That tree’s a little crooked. It’s taller than the others. I saw a bird go by—wonder what kind it is? Sure are a lot of weeds here. I wouldn’t be driving that fast on this curvy road. I can feel my knees every time I take a step…”

    Keep your focus moving, so it doesn’t settle inside your mind. Getting into your body is a great way to get into the now.

    4. When you’ve got the feeling, try it with creating.

    “How would I change that tree so I’d like it better? Can I walk more gently so my knees don’t hurt? If I could change the color of the sky for one day, what would I change it to? What would I put there if there wasn’t a sky?”

    Ever notice how, when children are creating, they say, “And then… And then… And then…”? That’s creative mind: coming up with another possibility, another idea, another option, another dream, like constant brainstorming.

    It’s a little tiring the first few times you get into it, but it “uses up” that monkey mind energy so you can rest afterwards. It does take practice. But I believe from the bottom of my heart that it puts us into powerful alignment with the divine creative force.

    It’s so much easier to keep the mind moving along a creative path than it is to try and shut out negative thoughts. Who knows what you’ll come up with? See if you can get into creative mind, and you won’t have to not think about that elephant that’s not in the room.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • 5 Ways to Let Go of Worries So You Can Be Light and Free

    5 Ways to Let Go of Worries So You Can Be Light and Free

    Man Flying

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Our daughter is seeing a counselor to help her deal with anxiety. She’s only ten. Cue mother guilt.

    There are a whole lot of (mostly crazy) worries running around her little head, some that even I can’t wrap my head around. So I wrap my arms around her and reassure her that things will be okay.

    I give her permission to be anxious, but try to instill resilience so she won’t worry so much. I try to teach her mindfulness and meditation and positive thinking. And I worry, about her and too many things—some role model I am!

    Mostly, my daughter worries about something happening to her dad or me.

    Separation anxiety is the crux of her problem. She’d been avoiding sleepovers with friends and even her grandparents, and it all came to a head when her school camp loomed large.

    The good news is she got through camp, thanks to her resilience, mindfulness, her first counseling session, and our pep talks—and despite my worry, which was wasted, as it always is!

    Getting through camp was a big achievement for our daughter in her journey to overcoming anxiety, but she has a road ahead as she deals with her fears about losing us, embedded as they are in processing her feelings about being adopted and the loss of her birthparents in her life.

    She has a lot to deal with, yet she is brave, strong, resilient.

    She’s only ten, but she’s already demonstrating ways to take worry out of her life. I’m beyond proud.

    I gained my own painful insights into the futility of worry through a long journey of infertility and an equally long wait for adoption. Loss of control was the only certainty. Yet, I’ve gained the most clarity through my children’s eyes.

    Children teach us lessons every day, if we are open to learning them. And they open our closed minds to lessons we learned as kids but have forgotten.

    There was a time when worry didn’t exist, as hard as it is for us adults to imagine. It was all about the present; the future wasn’t to be feared.

    The key to taking worry out of life, I think, is to reconnect with that sense of child-like wonder, while bringing to each moment the adult wisdom of knowing that worry will never change what happens. That “this too shall pass.”

    Here are five ways to overcome worry that I’ve learned and assimilated from what my daughter has so courageously demonstrated.

    1. Accept that some worry is good for you.

    This sounds counterintuitive, but if you stop worrying about worrying, it’s a really great place to start!

    For starters, you need to have some fear in your life for when you are being chased by a lion and need adrenaline to kick in in order to flee (great idea), or when you are confronted and the only choice is to fight.

    A bit of worry is normal—good news for anxious people who worry even more about being abnormal. Some stress about consequences keeps us motivated. It keeps us alert to possibilities and shows that we care.

    A little bit of worry is natural, normal, and human. Use it wisely.

    2. Move through worry.

    Can you imagine dancing and being worried at the same time?

    Of course, even a prima donna ballerina will have at least a hint of stage nerves (for adrenaline, and because she cares). But the dancers we admire so much, who hold us in thrall, they go to a place where worry cannot exist.

    It’s a magical place where their bodies meld with the music and become one, and there’s no time, only rhythm and movement and wonder that we humans are even capable of such beauty.

    I’ve watched my ten-year-old dance like this, and I watch her all the time, flipping, cartwheeling, hand standing and doing walkovers, pirouettes etcetera, over and over. She quite literally moves through her anxiety.

    She’s not worried at all about dance (other than a few stage nerves), and she loses all other anxious thoughts when she’s lost in the beauty of it.

    Movement—be it dance, yoga, running, walking, swimming, or whatever sport or exercise—provides the opportunity to distract yourself from worry, to be lost in the wonder of being able to move your body for its own sake. Little by little, anxiety fades.

    3. Sit with worry.

    When we stop physical activity, we make room for more thoughts, and that can be scary.

    This is when we need mindfulness to simply witness those thoughts—not to judge them, not to feed them so they multiply, but to simply observe them as waves rolling in and out.

    If you can separate yourself from your worries and focus on your breath, then you can breathe in fresh air and calm and exhale worry. You create both a physical and mental means of release.

    You can open the space for stillness, a place where peace replaces worry.

    4. Talk back to worry.

    Anxious thoughts are as persistent as they usually are irrational. When they take over our self-talk, it can feel like we can’t change the script. But they’re just lines in a script we run through our heads—a fiction.

    Children, with their abundance of imagination, find it harder to separate fact from fiction, and one of the skills my daughter is learning is to think rationally about her anxieties.

    For example, I tell her that it’s no more likely something bad will happen to her father and me when she isn’t with us than when she’s tucked up in bed in the next room. She sees the logic.

    She worries about us being older parents and not being around for her, and while I can’t change the facts, I can point out that if she does the math her fears of our imminent deaths are unfounded if you look rationally at the figures (we are not that old).

    Anxiety cowers in the face of rationality. Arguing back with forceful reason is a way to change your self-talk over time, literally starving your worries of oxygen.

    5. Cultivate resilience.

    Resilience, along with empathy, is the key quality we are trying to instill in our children. If they never have to cope with failure or disappointment, today’s mollycoddled generation risks falling apart in the face of a crisis.

    Resilience is your armor against anxiety. When you cultivate resilience, you have a ready reminder of what you’ve already survived (and often thrived through) in the past. You are shielded by the strength you’ve built up and safe in the knowledge that you can prevail, that things will get better.

    Resilience is so much more powerful than blind faith that things will be okay, because with resilience you will be okay regardless.

    Worry can’t triumph against such resolve.

    —

    I wish I could say that getting over anxiety is easy because even a child can do it, but it’s not. It’s hard for our daughter, but we want to try stop anxiety becoming a painful pattern she takes into adulthood.

    For us adults, I think we can only work with and through worry—put it in its place, put ourselves in control. Take the lead in this universal dance through life.

  • Letting Go of Yesterday and Using the Gift of the Present

    Letting Go of Yesterday and Using the Gift of the Present

    Be Present

    “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” ~Alice Morse Earle

    Did you make a mistake yesterday? Or did something bad happen to you a few weeks ago? Are you still dwelling on it, doing all you can to move on? Then this post is for you.

    Why? Because I want you to know that you’re not alone.

    Just like you, my past wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. No one in this world has a past that is sparkling clean and error-free. We’ve all made mistakes. That’s life. And that’s what makes us human.

    About eight weeks ago I received an offer to study for my diploma in fitness in Melbourne. Having lived in Sydney for ten years, receiving the offer was a dream come true, but not because I got accepted for the course. It’s because I’ve always wanted to live in Melbourne ever since I was a teenager.

    I accepted the offer thinking it was a great opportunity. I did not consult anyone; I merely did it for myself. I didn’t even have the slightest clue of what the course was about, where I was going to stay, and if it made sense financially.

    This turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

    A day after I accepted the offer, I told my parents. They’ve never tried to talk me out of doing anything I wanted to, but this time Mum was a little hesitant.

    She wondered why it was last minute and stressed how I hadn’t even arranged anything. I, on the other hand, justified my decisions by telling her and everyone else around me that it was a good opportunity, although I knew I probably couldn’t afford the move.

    A week later, with a few hundred dollars in savings and slight credit card debt, I made the trip down to Melbourne with my selfless parents, who decided to help me find an apartment and settle in.

    Things went well. I found a nice place and generally liked Melbourne, but something felt off. As hours turned to days, I felt more and more restless and knew something wasn’t right. My finances backfired on me and soon enough, everything went down.

    After living a few days in denial, I allowed myself to let go of anger about what I’d done and replace it with self-compassion.

    I then did something I should’ve done even before I decided to move—I spoke to my mother and told her I wasn’t in a great financial position and it wasn’t the right decision for me at that point in time.

    A day after, I turned the apartment down, rejected the offer, and drove 540 miles home, with an added financial stress that was completely unnecessary.

    You may have experienced something similar. Perhaps you were as silly as I was to do things without thinking. Or perhaps things were worse for you. We make mistakes. Everyone does, and I want you to know that it is okay.

    The clock ticks forward, and soon enough the mistake that you made a second ago is history. It might take days, months, or years to learn and address the consequences of the mistake, but every day forward is an opportunity to make things right.

    Worrying about it does not get you anywhere. Thinking about how to learn from the experience and make things better is a good start. But actually doing things to learn from the mistake is the fundamental part of really moving forward.

    If you’re having a hard time letting go of yesterday and seizing today, remember:

    Yesterday is History

    Yesterday is history.

    It’s done. Record it into your history book and close it.

    Yesterday could have been the best day of your life.

    Your long-term partner proposed, or you landed a raise at work. Maybe you met someone who you feel is good for you. Remember it fondly but don’t live in the past. Instead, let your happy memories push you forward when times get tough.

    Yesterday could have been the worst day of your life.

    You might’ve lost your savings or someone you held close to your heart. Although it might take some time to move on from any tragedies you faced yesterday, every day forward will get better.

    Yesterday you made decisions; they may now seem good, they may seem bad.

    But that was yesterday. If you stay positive, you can choose to make the best of your decision today.

    Yesterday cannot be changed.

    It is indeed too late to change the things you did in the past, but it’s not too late to change the things you’re planning to do today. Learn from your mistakes and act on what you’ve learned.

    Tomorrow is a Mystery

    Tomorrow is a mystery.

    It hasn’t happened yet, so don’t sweat the small things. Be kind to yourself; it has the power to make you happy.

    Tomorrow depends on the choices you make today.

    Dream and start doing things to work toward that dream right now. 

    Tomorrow is not certain.

    Life can make a 180-degree change in less than a day, and we cannot control them. We can make plans, but plans change. Anticipate and remember that.

    Tomorrow is an opportunity.

    If you did something great today, you have the opportunity tomorrow to create something better. If you did something that seems bad, you have the opportunity tomorrow to make it good. It’s your choice.

    Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

    So don’t waste today worrying about what will happen then. Life’s too short to dwell on things that are uncertain.

    Today is a Gift

    Today is a certain opportunity.

    You can use it to decide where you want to go in life. If you don’t love what you’re doing, use this opportunity to change something.

    Today can be the first day of the rest of your life.

    Create new habits, surprise yourself, and put a smile on your own face by doing things you love.

    Today you can be better than you were yesterday.

    And you know you can be better than you were yesterday.

    Today you have the power to make great choices for your health, body and mind.

    You are strong enough today to say no to that can of soda. You are strong enough today to remove yourself from negative people. You are strong enough, period.

    Today is your only chance to experience this present moment.

    It will never come again

    Don’t beat yourself up for what has happened in the past. We’ve all made mistakes; failure is imperative to leading a successful life. Learn from yesterday by doing things today that have the power to make tomorrow great. I know you can.

    What are you doing today to make full use of the gift given to you?

    Photo by Eddi van W

  • How Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Help Reduce Anxiety

    How Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Help Reduce Anxiety

    Skipping Men

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an anxious person. My grandfather died when I was four years old and some of my earliest memories consist of panic attacks whenever I was left alone. In my mind, I had to keep my loved ones in sight at all times, so there would be no chance of them disappearing, just as my grandpa did.  

    From that point on, I slowly began to overcome my fears of separation from family. However, new anxieties began to take its place. Whether I was nervous about meeting new people or panicking over unexpected change, my anxiety was all consuming and seemingly endless, without an outlet.

    Somewhere in my senior year of high school, a friend suggested that I should start exercising to relieve some stress. The first day in the gym was a source of anxiety in itself. Between checking in, finding an open machine, and deciding what to do next, the entire process was entirely overwhelming.

    For a while, I was too nervous to step foot in the gym without a friend with me because I was too scared to be left alone with my thoughts for too long.

    Separation from familiar people is a scary thing in a time where you’re constantly connected no matter where you are. You can be standing on a mountaintop seemingly alone, but with thousands of people in your pocket.

    With this being the new reality, any time of time to yourself can be a source of anxiety.

    Eventually, I learned that being alone sometimes is a good thing. Each day I would step outside of my comfort zone and try something new. Some days it would be a walk around the block with only my dog and some silence. Other days, it was taking a yoga class by myself.

    Some of my challenges were harder than others. I found that taking classes in my gym enabled me to ease into workouts on my own.

    Although some days were successful, on others I would have serious setbacks. The worst of these was abandoning my workout because I knew someone who was working out and I was too embarrassed to complete my workout with them there.

    After years of being mocked for my lack of coordination, I feared judgment and began to feel that all eyes were on me during every move I made.

    Somewhere along the line I had a major realization: Only I can make myself happy. Stressing over a situation will in no way change it, and being self-conscious in the gym definitely wouldn’t get me in shape.

    While this realization pushed me to keep going, it didn’t resolve all of my fears. In the beginning I would still worry about what others thought and spend time stressing over every situation that was slightly outside of my comfort zone.

    Even though I realized that I had to make a change, I also realized that I wouldn’t do it overnight.

    Small steps on a daily basis gradually enabled me to be more comfortable with myself, both inside the gym and out. I slowly became more confident and frequently engaged in more situations that I never before imagined doing.

    At the beginning, my exercise was meant as means to relieve stress but only ended up causing more. I think this is because I didn’t do it for the right reasons. I sought out exercise as a cure-all that would wipe away my problems with only a few visits to the gym.

    Over time I began to see exercise for its greater meaning. It could be a short-term reliever of anxiety, but it was a life long journey toward better health. As soon as I started to see it that way, my fear diminished.

    This journey forced me to try to be a little better each and every day, to be stronger mentally and physically than I’ve ever been before.

    Many people think of exercise as a way to strengthen your body and calm your mind. Over time I realized that wasn’t what I needed. I needed to strengthen both my body and mind, and I had to do so through challenging both.

    I could have easily have gotten in shape in my basement as many others do, but that would not have challenged my anxious mind. I would have felt safe and calm in the confines of my comfort zone.

    The best thing I ever did was get that gym membership and force myself to get there. It not only led to a love of physical activity, but it also led to a feeling of confidence that I had never before experienced.

    Anxiety is a tough thing to deal with. It makes you feel guilty and scared, and it can keep you from doing things you love.

    While my anxiety never truly went away, it no longer controls or defines me. The best way to reduce the impact it has on you is to try your hardest to step outside of your comfort zone whenever you can.

    Even though it feels frightening at first, doing a little more each day can help make it seem less overwhelming. Over time, you’ll be able to do things you never knew were possible. Time and effort will make your journey easier and lessen the burden of your struggle.

    For me, making the active decision to push myself is what got me through the worst of my anxieties.

    Now, when anxiety tries to challenge me, I know that I’m the stronger one.

    Photo by istolethetv

  • A Simple but Powerful Way to Kick the Worry Habit

    A Simple but Powerful Way to Kick the Worry Habit

    “Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.” ~Swedish proverb

    I’m a worrier by nature, and I come by it honestly.

    My mother was afraid to cross bridges and ride in elevators, boats, and airplanes. Her mother died of cancer at the age of forty, and my mother spent many years—including those of my childhood—thinking every sniffle, fever, or headache might be the start of something fatal.

    Although I didn’t realize it at the time, growing up with a steady dose of anxiety, like an invisible intravenous drip, had its effect on my developing mind.

    I was an introverted, timid child. Afraid of the boys who threw snowballs, afraid of steep ski trails, afraid of not getting A’s in every subject, all the time. A lot of my anxiety got channeled into perfectionism, and—just like my mother—trying to control pretty much everything.

    The gift in my anxiety was a distinct drive to find peace. That quest led me to meditation at the tender age of nineteen.

    That was more than forty years ago. I was young and naïve and really had no idea what I was doing (the belief that I could banish worry forever being just one indication of my naiveté). But I persisted—and when I lost the thread of practice, I always eventually came back to it.

    Here’s one thing I’ve learned in forty-some years of meditation and awareness practice: There is a great deal that I’m not aware of. Still.

    That could be discouraging, and sometimes it is. But what keeps me on this path, what keeps me meditating and working to bring the light of mindful attention to the dark places in my mind and life, are the new awarenesses, the small victories I feel in moments when something that was unseen is all at once seen.

    There is a thrill in that, not perhaps like the thrill of speeding down a black diamond trail or any of those other physical challenges I’ve always been afraid of, but a thrill just the same.

    One day, not too long ago, I was driving to a train station to leave my car in a long-term lot while I visited New York for a few days. I had never been to this lot and as I drove, I was feeling the pressure of needing to find the lot, find a spot, and not miss the train.

    That feeling of pressure isn’t unusual when I have a deadline such as a train to catch. But this time, for some reason, I became more acutely aware of a subtle layer of physical and emotional tension.

    Just as I often do on the meditation cushion, I began to bring the feeling of tension more fully into awareness and to investigate it as I was driving. Here’s what I saw:

    1. I was facing an unknown (inconsequential as it was), which triggered anxiety because the unknown is impossible to control.

    2. My feelings were telling me a lie—that is, that this unknown situation had life-or-death consequences.

    And most importantly:

    3. How I was relating to the unknown of not being sure about where to park and how long it would take, this is how I relate to all unknowns in my life, large and small. That is, I approach the unknown with an underlying assumption that was completely unconscious until that moment: “It won’t work out.”

    Because I had become aware of it, I was able to question the assumption. I remembered Pema Chodron’s description of a traditional Tibetan Buddhist teaching, from Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living: “train in the three difficulties.”*

    The first “difficulty” is to see your unhelpful patterns of thought and behavior. The second is to “do something different.” The third is to continue doing that different thing.

    So, I asked myself, “What if I tried something different, and assumed it most likely would work out?” (That is, I would find the lot, be able to find a parking spot, and get to the train on time.)

    I tried to coax my brain toward this idea, and to resist the considerable energy drawing it back to the habitual, well-worn track of  “It won’t work out.”

    It felt strange, driving toward the station with the idea that finding parking and getting to the train was workable. I mean “strange” the way crossing your legs the opposite way from how you usually do feels strange. Not bad, really, but unfamiliar, foreign.

    But not too long after it felt strange, it felt incredibly liberating. Just as assuming “It won’t work out” is a pretty sure bet to breed anxiety, approaching an unknown with the assumption that it’s going to be workable is likely to induce at least some degree of calm and equanimity.

    And it did. My shoulders relaxed, my breathing deepened, and I felt a kind of mental brightening, as if a foreboding storm cloud had unexpectedly lifted.

    I’d like to say that was the moment when I cast aside the worn-out assumption that “It won’t work out” and replaced it—forevermore—with “It’s all workable.” Well, suffice it to say, I’m still working on the third difficulty: “Continue in that new way.”

    But that’s okay with me now, in a way it wouldn’t have been four decades ago. Instead of feeling impatient to get rid of that worry-driven assumption, I feel grateful that I became aware of it.

    And to me, that kind of awareness, arising seemingly spontaneously, is the fruit of meditation and whatever other ways we work to wake up. However imperfectly we make that effort, it does make a difference over time.

    Contrary to the incessant messages from our turbo-charged culture, here’s another piece of wisdom I’ve gleaned in forty-some years of meditating and sixty-some years of life: Most change happens bit by bit, one small “aha” at a time, with lots of practice in between.

    And there’s joy to be had—in each of those small awakenings, and in the winding path we walk toward the unknown, illumined by the light of one humble, thrilling realization after another.

    (By the way–no surprise—I did find the lot and a parking space, and got to the train with plenty of time. It did work out.)

  • How Your Mind Sabotages Your Life and How to Stop It

    How Your Mind Sabotages Your Life and How to Stop It

    Screen shot 2013-04-23 at 5.04.05 PM

    “What we see is mainly what we look for.” ~Anonymous

    A few weeks ago, my aunt was visiting for a family holiday. I hadn’t seen her in a few years so we were catching up, talking about life, and talking about the projects we were each working on.

    “So I’m still working on my PhD dissertation,” she said. “It’s really exhausting, you know, having five kids and doing my PhD all while working. It’s just exhausting.”

    “And the problem is that these professors are constantly approving or denying my thesis subjects, so I’ll begin to research it and then they tell me I need to switch. It’s like all these people are against me.”

    “We’ve also got some debt from our last house that I lost in the divorce and I’m still trying to manage that while….”

    She went on for about 15 minutes, without me even being able to say a word, until her husband finally came in and said:

    “Karen, stop gettin’ in your own way, will ya? The way you talk is enough to give a sane person a nervous breakdown.” 

    And that’s when it clicked.

    The Secret Enemy Sabotaging Our Lives

    Have you ever gone into a job interview and then couldn’t stop replaying the mental image of yourself messing up? (Like telling yourself, “There are tons of more qualified candidates. I don’t know how they’ll find me….”)

    Have you ever changed how you treated someone based on what they looked like, before you even knew them? (Like a random salesman coming up to your door?)

    Have you ever gotten upset at your spouse over something that, as it turns out, was entirely in your head? (Like blaming her/him for a mess, when it turns out it was the kids?)

    If you’ve done one of these things, then you may be falling prey to this secret enemy called your mind.

    Why Happiness, Contentment, and Even Success Originate in Our Mind 

    I’ve learned there’s one thing that holds us back from doing as well as we want: our mind.

    When we’re not doing as well as we want, it’s usually because of made-up dramas that happen in our mind all day long.

    Like the belief that we can’t be successful and happy.

    Or the belief that it takes a lot of money to start a business.

    Or the belief that all successful people are highly intelligent prodigies.

    Guess what! None of these are facts. They are merely beliefs that hold us back.

    Remember my aunt who thought that the whole world was conspiring against her? It took her own husband saying, “Stop getting in your own way!” for her to even remotely realize it wasn’t a “fact,” but merely her own thoughts affecting her behavior.

    So what do you do when your mind is getting in your own way? 

    Whether it’s messing with your relationship, how you view your job, or just preventing you from being happy, there is one key practice you can do.

    Ask yourself: Is this really true?

    Try to be a little scientist, and ask yourself “Is this really true?” Do it 100 times a day. Try to find experiences or people that contradict this idea in your head. I’ll show you how.

    Example #1: The whole world is against me, I can’t find a job, nothing ever works out, and people are untrustworthy.

    When I graduated from college, it was during one of the worst times to go looking for a job.

    I talked to many people about it, and I usually ended up saying something like this:

    Assumption: “The economy is just so bad. All of the jobs are taken and it’s going to be very difficult for me to find any job (let alone a good one). My college degree means nothing, and I’m going to have to work in Starbucks to pay for my bills. The last two job interviews went horribly. Nothing ever works out for me.”

    The Question: Is this really true? What would an observer see?

    1. Yes, there are fewer open jobs, based on statistics.
    2. A college degree is useful, but there are many other competitors with college degrees too.
    3. Yes, the past two job interviews didn’t lead to a job.

    But I chose to blame the economy instead of figuring out a novel way to find a job (like through personal connections or learning a brand new skill). 

    I chose to believe that a college degree is the only way to be competitive in a tough job market.

    I chose to believe that life had a personal vendetta against me, when in reality, the only objective fact was that I didn’t get the last two jobs I’d interviewed for.

    All of these assumptions were poisoning my mind and creating a filter through which I viewed the world.

    And all of these things prevented me from doing the only thing that mattered: seeing reality for what it was and taking the next step forward.

    Example #2: “In order to get fit, I’ve heard you have to work out two hours a day and just eat lettuce. I could never do that.”

    My dad, a guy who is in his late 50s who loves watching MMA (mixed martial arts), figured he should start taking better care of his health. Unfortunately, he had a lot of emotional and mental baggage:

    Assumption: “In order to get fit you need to work out two or more hours a day like these MMA guys and just eat super clean. You need iron willpower to never eat sweets and maintain that kind of workout plan. I could never do that. You’ve really got to be in the peak of your life.”

    The Question: Is this really true?

    The easiest way to find the objective truth for this would be to ask someone who did it.

    Fortunately a family friend who is a doctor recently had a success story to compare to:

    1. Do you need to workout two hours a day? “I only worked out forty-five minutes, four times a week.”
    2. Do you need to eat only lettuce? “Actually, I ate plenty of meat, veggies, nuts, and fruits (and wine!), and was rarely hungry.”
    3. Do you need to restrict all the foods you enjoy? “I had one cheat day: it turned out to be Saturdays when I had free-reign on tiramisu and red wine.”

    So how do you think my dad’s behavior changed when he learned that his former “belief” was not a fact?

    He felt liberated. He felt in control. He felt like he had the reigns in his own life. It’s incredibly empowering.

    When he learned that maybe it’s a little more realistic than he thought, that dramatically improved the chances that he’d change his behavior for the better.

    What does this mean for you?

    Many of us today don’t feel in control of our lives and feel like there is a game being played around us.

    But what we don’t realize is that it is our mind skewing reality—and the moment we learn to control our mind, we have more control over our reality.

    Next time you get into an argument with someone, ask yourself: Is my mind controlling my reality?

    You’ll suddenly wake up with this incredible realization that you are much more capable and in control than you think.

    Photo by herecomestherooster

  • 7 Tips to Love Where You Are Right Now

    7 Tips to Love Where You Are Right Now

    Smiling Woman Outside

    “Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.” ~Margaret B Runbeck

    It had been months since I’d gotten a good night’s sleep.

    I’d wake up gasping from bad dreams throughout the night, and I’d feel an immediate knot in my stomach as soon as it was time to get up and face the day.

    When the morning beckoned, all I wanted to do was hide under the covers.

    But even when hiding from the physical world, my thoughts could still find me, belaboring on in an incessant stream of “have-tos” and “should-bes.”

    I’d wake up feeling guilty about all the things I hadn’t done the day before, and overwhelmed by the mounting goals that still loomed before me.

    I’d roll out of bed and go straight to the computer, with a frazzled and weary mind, to start attempting to do all the work that all those thoughts kept reminding me about.

    My work was stressing me out to the point where I felt depressed, always anxious, and completely unhappy with where I was in my life.

    If you looked at it all on paper, you might have thought I was living a pretty awesome life: married to my best friend, living in a town I adore in a great little house that we own, successfully self-employed for more than five years, with the freedom to decide how I want to spend my time each day.

    Problem was, I wasn’t present enough to truly enjoy any of it. Instead, I was stuck in my head, wrapped up in a big ball of expectation.

    Caught in a spiral of all the things I had to do so I could be who I should have been, I forgot about the things I wanted to do so I can be who I am.

    I felt jealous of where others were in comparison, weighed down by self-doubt that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish all the things I wanted, and so scrambled, with my energy dispersed into too many things at once.

    Then, I went and saw Ms. Renee, an empath who could see right through me.

    She could see the anxiety, overwhelm, and self-imposed burdens that I had created. She reminded me that I needed to take care of myself in order to have the energy to do this work, and that all I had to do to get out of my head was to get into my body.

    I came home with a whole new attitude and belief in myself, and got dedicated to making some real shifts in my life.

    I made it a priority to meditate regularly, exercise, and get my veggies. I changed course with my business to escape the stressful elements and get closer to what my heart really wanted all along. (more…)

  • Letting Go of Fears and Worries About Getting Things Done

    Letting Go of Fears and Worries About Getting Things Done

    “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” ~Unknown

    As the days have continued on past the beginning of the New Year, my discontent has been growing as I’ve been thinking (or worrying) about how unmotivated I feel.

    The holidays have come to a close, the New Year began, we made wonderful goals for ourselves, and yet, I’ve begun nothing. I wanted to write another article, keep up with my blog(s), organize my house, work on my finances and my fitness, and start new projects.

    The holidays were rough to get through this year, but they are over now, and though I know it’s early in the year so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, I still feel a sense of urgency and disappointment that I’m having trouble getting started.

    This created more discontent and frustration. What could I possibly share with anyone with my head in this state? So, I did the only thing I thought I could—I let it go.

    Sometimes realizations hit you like a ton of bricks, and this one did. Once I let that urgency go, I was able to approach the situation more calmly.

    I was then able to realize that I was forgetting one of the most important lessons I’ve learned on my journey to better living: everything is happening as it should be.

    This does not mean to live life with complete inaction.

    You can’t, for example, bring in your mail, toss the bills on the table, and “let it go.”

    The universe isn’t going to pay your bills for you. But letting the fear that you “don’t have enough” to pay your bills keep you from opening them, so as to avoid the scary situation inside, will only help you dig a deeper hole for yourself.

    The “letting go” that I am referring to here pertains to the fear and worry.

    No matter what the situation is, try to let go of the fear of what’s going to happen. Know that you really do have the power to take care of it. There is always a solution. You are not powerless. (more…)

  • You Are Good Enough and You Deserve the Best

    You Are Good Enough and You Deserve the Best

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    We sometimes make excuses as to why we don’t deserve the best.

    We say that our relationship with our partner is good enough and that other people have much worse relationships. We don’t reach for our dreams because doing so would make us feel too selfish.

    Isn’t it time you stopped letting fear run your life? That you stopped making excuses for why things aren’t better in your life?

    Fear is an ugly word. It keeps us from true happiness because it prevents us from taking risks. We avoid anything slightly painful, even though staying in the current situation hurts more.

    When I was younger I was afraid of being myself. I constantly wanted to conform to others in order to be liked and appreciated.

     I just wanted to be liked for myself, but I wasn’t letting people see that person.

    I’ve learned that if you show the real you, not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. The people who are worth your time will appreciate you for who you are. And you will have deeper, more meaningful relationships as a result.

    I was afraid to think for myself, was not confident in my decisions, and let others decide what I should be doing according to their beliefs. I felt like a toy boat being tossed about in the ocean, and it was exhausting.

    In high school we aren’t taught what healthy relationships look like and what is and isn’t acceptable.  We make excuses for other people’s behavior, even though it is hurtful to us. We hope that they will change and think that perhaps we can mold them into better people. (more…)

  • Prescriptions for Peace: How to Combat Anxiety

    Prescriptions for Peace: How to Combat Anxiety

    “When the crowded refugee boats met with storms or pirates, if everyone panicked, all would be lost.  But if even one person on the boat remained calm and centered, it was enough. They showed the way for everyone to survive.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Without realizing it, I spent the majority of my childhood in a constant state of anxiety. In my early twenties, after a break-up with a man I dearly loved (albeit a little obsessively) I tried to medicate my grief with too many cups of coffee, bottles of wine, and many cigarettes.

    I found myself one absurd sunny afternoon with shaky, sweaty hands, palpitations that felt like a heart attack, and an overwhelming sense that I was crazy. I called the emergency room and they informed me I was having a panic attack.

    Although I tended toward depression and struggled with not wanting to get out of bed, I didn’t realize depression and anxiety can go hand in hand.

    At one point, my doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication, but it numbed me out to such a degree I could barely function. Realizing that this was not the answer for me, I made it a life-responsibility to care for and self-treat my anxiety.

    Back then, if someone suggested that I find “peace,” I would toss it away with a roll of my eyes thinking they were some sort of hippie trying to save the planet, or a born-again with a bumper sticker of a white-winged dove. What was peace anyway? I was just trying to survive my inner turmoil.

    Over time, I discovered more about what peace really meant for me. If I could be at peace, I knew then that I could better understand and have compassion for others. But I had to start small and stay simple in order to face the stressors of my life.

    I began with the basics and slowly built my foundation over the years. My pattern for so long was trying to build my ship out at sea. The realization was to learn how to build my mast on stable ground.

    Once I built a basic foundation, I got a little fancier: I kept journals to have a place to put my rapidly thinking mind. I learned how to meditate, slowly increasing from ten to forty-five minutes a day.

    I studied and read countless spiritual books before going to bed (sometimes an excellent remedy for sleep) and found time each week to be creative. I changed my eating habits, learned how to eat more vegetables, legumes, grains, and olive oil, and juiced delicious concoctions to ground me.

    Over a long period of time, I created a daily structure that would include all of the above and more, which solidly holds me and gives me inner-strength. Then, I could start thinking about the bigger things, like the views of the world and how to help make it a better place.

    Today, inner-peace is tangible and real for me. Even when the going gets tough, even when life slams me with loss and difficulties, I have my tried and true structure to come back to. (more…)

  • Stop Pushing: The Art of Relaxed Achievement

    Stop Pushing: The Art of Relaxed Achievement

    “Some people think it’s holding that makes one strong—sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    A few weeks ago, I took a sip of my morning tea hoping that the day would be better than the prior ones. I had somehow tripped over the cracks of life and couldn’t seem to pull myself back. I had woken up feeling eager to start a new day, but like every other day of my life, within the first few hours, things had gotten off track.

    I was stuck in a downward vortex of fear, anxiety and self-ridicule. I read my Yogi tea bag message, “It’s not life that matters; it’s the courage that we bring to it.”

    I held back my tears because my courage was feeling impossibly deflated. I was sick of trying so hard.

    How much courage do we really need to live our lives?

    I realized then that my entire life I’d felt like a fraud. I was renting someone else’s life, trying to pretend that it was me. My only consistency was my inconsistency with not being true and honoring myself. It is exhausting to be someone you’re not supposed to be.

    Society conditioned me to believe if you want something you have to work hard to get it. And I worked really hard accepting the fact that life was supposed to be an uphill struggle. All my relationships were superficial. I forced a smile to hide the fact that I felt all alone.

    Everyone I knew wanted to talk about the latest fashion buzz, who won American Idol, or what Snookie’s latest drama was. I pretended to be interested, but I was more curious about the pull on my heart. It kept prickling and nagging as to say, “There is more than this, honey.”

    For over a decade I lived this delusional nightmare of codependency and a search for security with success.

    I chose all my romantic relationships carefully to escape the painful reality of my anxiety. I’d pick partners who were addicted to numbing their pain, too. We’d escape life by doing drugs together and drinking over the fear.

    I finally got up enough courage to recognize that the relationship was unhealthy and I would end it only to find myself back in the arms of another addiction—overeating, over exercising, overworking; more men, more drugs. I stayed in a constant state of denial, consumed by my fear-based mind.

    I was always waiting for the next thing to happen— the next promotion, the next boyfriend, the next anything to drag me out of the depression. It never occurred to me that “pushing” was the problem. My inner drive was really just a cry for help—a call for love.

    I believed the root of my depression was my job in marketing. So after many attempts I finally left that position to pursue a new dream. Again the pushing overtook my world. I declared I would be a travel writer and pushed my way into that industry.  (more…)