Tiny Buddha

Tag: values

  • Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work

    Why Loving Someone Isn’t Enough to Make It Work

    “We accept the love we think we deserve.” ~Stephen Chbosky

    Have you ever thought that you could love someone enough to make everything work?

    Have you been in a relationship where you knew you weren’t really happy, but you kept saying, “But I love him/her. Isn’t that enough?”

    I know how it feels to believe this. I have felt this more times than I care to admit. The worst was when I fell in love with my ex-husband. He was twelve years my junior, from another country (Greece), and barely spoke English.

    Our souls connected immediately, and I fell in love with him. What was I thinking? We had nothing in common. He was not ready financially or emotionally. We could not communicate. Our cultures were different. But I was in love, and shouldn’t that have been enough?

    It wasn’t only my ex-husband that I had this problem with. Every relationship I’ve had was fatally flawed. They weren’t flawed because I chose bad, evil men. They were flawed because I fell in love with character and not with our compatibility or their ability to contribute to my happiness.

    I fell in love with these men because of who they were, not how they made me feel. Yes, they were kind. Yes, they were ethical. Yes, they were attractive. But not one of them really listened to me. Not one of them treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread.

    Still, I stayed. I kept trying and trying. I kept thinking that if I were enough they would care more. I kept thinking if I gave more they would understand I was doing everything to make them happy, and in return they would want to make me happy.

    I stayed hoping some miracle of all miracles would happen, because I loved them and shouldn’t love be enough?

    Unfortunately, it isn’t. It never will be. Just loving someone isn’t enough.

    So, whether you are in a relationship that you are unsure of right now or if you are just venturing into the dating world, ask yourself these things before you settle down.

    1. How do you feel about yourself when you’re around them?

    When you’re around them do you feel content and accepted, or do you feel anxious and misunderstood? Sometimes our relationships can be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, so be careful not to push your judgment of yourself onto your partner.

    Determine whether these feelings arise out of their treatment of you, or whether they are insecurities you have no matter who you are with.

    Some people are just a better match for us than others. I’m someone who likes to talk and connect on a deep, emotional level. Unfortunately, I have a habit of choosing partners who don’t like to talk and don’t like to connect, so I always end up feeling alone and misunderstood. There was nothing wrong with them; we just weren’t a good match.

    2. Are my needs equal in importance to their own?

    When you tell your partner something is important to you, how do they react? If you tell your partner, “I really need to spend quality time with you because it makes me feel special,” and they don’t understand what that means and don’t want to know, then perhaps you are not right for each other.

    Relationships take two equal parts. If you make your partner’s needs important, then your partner has to do the same or you are in a lopsided relationship and you will never be fulfilled.

    I remember one time I came home from an extremely stressful week/month at work, and I really needed to vent. I started talking to my then husband. To this day I remember him saying to me, “Carrie. Carrie. I am not your girlfriend. If you want to talk, call Tracy.”

    What could I do with that? If my own husband doesn’t want to talk to me and doesn’t care about my day or that I’m stressed, where can we go? Yes, you can guess where we went. We went to divorce court.

    3. Are their core values in line with mine?

    We all have core principles and values that we live by. These are different for each of us. However, if your partner does not have the same values you have, then there is likely to be trouble in paradise as time marches on. Core values are things you must have in a partner.

    Core values include:

    • Religion
    • The desire to have children
    • How you deal with money
    • Integrity
    • Fidelity
    • Family
    • Health

    For example, I’m insanely ethical. I was born this way. I can’t explain it. No one wants a cheater or a liar, but many times people cheat and lie and explain it away or justify it. This is completely incompatible with my sense of self, and something I could never accept in a partner. I was drawn to my last boyfriend because of his ethical principles. He was highly actuated in this area and it made me extremely attracted to him because of it.

    Some of these things change over time, and sometimes not. Some people can become more religious or decide they want children. It is possible to change the way you view and handle money.

    Deeply ingrained core values are not likely to change. If the person you are with is not family-oriented and doesn’t want to be, and you have a huge conflict, you are setting yourself up for trouble. If you want children and s/he doesn’t and never will, then stop trying to make it something it isn’t just because you love him.

    4. Do they want to know me? The real me?

    I believe everyone has different comfort levels in regard to vulnerability. Some people crave intense emotional intimacy, and some do not.

    My parents were married for thirty-four years, and I often wonder how much they really knew each other. They were happy and content, but at times it seemed like a surface relationship because neither was willing to show the other their true self. I don’t judge them because that is what they were capable of. For me though, I want and need more.

    Are you capable of showing your partner who you really are on your darkest days? Do they want to know? Do you feel accepted and understood for all your quirkiness and irrationality or whatever your personality traits are?

    If not, then you may be left perpetually dissatisfied, and over time the relationship will probably erode itself away, or you will be drawn to someone else you think does want to know you and does accept you. Honestly, this is probably where most affairs start.

    5. Is my life better with them in it?

    Is your partner an asset or a hindrance? Do they support you or suck the life out of you? Do they want you to reach your goals and your dreams, or do they put you down and make you feel like you can’t or won’t accomplish anything?

    A partner should be your biggest supporter and cheerleader, and if they aren’t put them on the bench and find a new player. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t believe in you. Don’t take this to mean you should be able to do whatever you want and they should accept it. What it means is you should feel content and supported and loved with this person in your life.

    Days should not be filled with angst, fights, conflict, or division. If your days are not happy the majority of the time, then ask yourself why. What are you contributing to the unhappiness? Fix your side of the street and see if anything changes. If not, you may need to rethink why you are with them.

    What Do I Want?

    Don’t ask these questions just once. Ask them over and over. Ask them in one month. Ask them in six months. Ask them in six years. As much as you love them, and as much as you think they may love you, if they can’t meet your needs, and don’t want to meet them, then you are wasting your time and wasting precious moments of your life.

    There are many wonderful, kind people out there, but that doesn’t make them right for you. Just because you love them doesn’t mean you can be happy with them.

    Don’t waste years on someone because “you love them.” Every day is a choice. Choose your own happiness, and in doing so you will choose love rather than it choosing you.

  • Two Lists You Need to Make If You Want to Be True to Yourself

    Two Lists You Need to Make If You Want to Be True to Yourself

    “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” ~Alexander Hamilton

    For over a decade I worked as a paralegal in the corporate world. I worked hard, and I was a dedicated employee, but I was treated poorly by my superiors.

    After a decade of working in this industry I felt lost, without purpose, and I constantly dreaded the next day when I would return to my job.

    One day, an attorney that I had worked for came into my office and screamed at me, leaving me in tears.

    At that moment I politely shut my office door and cried with my head in my hands. After getting out all my frustrations through tears, I told my office manager I was leaving for the day.

    As I sat down in my car, I wondered how I got to this place, where people could take advantage of me and bring me to tears.

    It was the car ride home that made me realize that I had lost my backbone and a sense of what I stood for. I lacked a foundation of what I valued in my life. Throughout the years of working non-stop and losing sight of my values, I was hereby declared lost.

    After I acknowledged that I had lost my backbone, and essentially a say in my life, I broke down. I lost it. I cried my heart out and mourned for my old self, who knew exactly what she wanted in life.

    So, it was time to change.

    When I arrived home, still shaky, I made myself a cup of tea and sat down at the kitchen table with a pen and notebook in front of me. It was time.

    At first, I wrote all the bad things that were happening in my life. Then I elaborated further and grouped them into categories, such as:

    • Injustice
    • Hate
    • Abuse
    • Unkindness
    • Selfishness
    • Vanity
    • Moral corruptness

    After I got it all out, I felt relieved, but I still felt lost. What I had in front of me was a list of the things I could no longer tolerate or even entertain in my life.

    So I took a step further and wrote down all the things that I want in my life and values I appreciated:

    • Love
    • Truth
    • Beauty
    • Happiness
    • Trust
    • Kindness
    • Compassion
    • Intimacy
    • Altruistic values

    This list was worth to me more than gold. I had compiled a list of things I value, my pillars of truth, and a non-negotiable foundation. To this day, this list holds me accountable for all that I want in life.

    It was then that I took a leap of faith and trusted this list I came up with. I neatly typed it up and proclaimed these were my non-negotiable values. If something, someone, or a place did not align with these values, they had to go.

    That pivotal moment at my kitchen table made me realize that in order to have the life I wanted, a life full of laughter, happiness, and love, I had to rearrange my life to align with all the things I stood for and eliminate all the things I didn’t.

    With that said, I slowly changed my participation at my job. I no longer worked overtime, I avidly communicated when my workload was unreasonable, and so on.

    Unfortunately for my employer, it was time for me to move on and quit. So I did, with my list of what I stand for, and never looked back.

    No matter where you are in life, if you’re happy or unhappy, it is essential to know what you stand for. Without this strong foundation you can be taken advantage of and stray from your personal truths and values.

    How to Get Clear on What You Don’t Stand For

    In order to get crystal clear on the things you don’t stand for in your life, you need to set aside some time for reflection.

    Start by creating a list of at least ten things you won’t stand for. There is no wrong answer here. For example, if you don’t care for dishonesty, write it down. If you will not tolerate hate, write it down.

    Analyze your list of what you do not stand for and identify the core reason why you don’t stand for a particular thing.

    For example, if a friend of yours is always putting you down, why is this something you won’t stand for? Is the root of this disrespect? Could it be because the friendship is no longer reciprocal?

    Another example: I could no longer continue working for my employer because I couldn’t stand for unfulfilling work, with no purpose. I also could not stand for daily disrespect and lack of appreciation.

    How to Identify What You Do Stand For

    After you have come up with the things you won’t stand for, it will be easy to identify the things you do stand for.

    There are many ways you can identify the things you stand for in your life.

    You can start by writing a list of what’s important to you. Think about what makes you truly happy. Think of a time when you felt you were living life to the fullest. What ignites a spark in your soul?

    To take it a step further, you can turn the list of what’s important to you into a list of your core values. For example, if you enjoy visiting a specific park on the weekends, the corresponding core value could be adventure, a healthy lifestyle, or personal freedom.

    Another way to identify the things you stand for is to think of three people you value and write down the qualities you admire in them. This could be a family member, a friend, a role model, or someone you may not even know.

    By listing out qualities you value in others, you can open yourself up to expand upon what you value in your life.

    Maybe a pattern will emerge. Maybe a recurrent value is someone who is kind, courageous, or compassionate. It’s important to be mindful of the qualities you value in others, as you most likely wish to embody that same spirit.

    What to Do with These Two Lists

    Defining what you do and don’t stand for allows you the freedom to live your life according to your personal truths. Whenever a situation arises that you’re not comfortable with, you can call upon you what you stand for to guide you forward.

    But what do you do when the answer isn’t so cut and dry?

    For example, if you declared you do not stand for disrespect in any shape or fashion, but have a family member who is disrespectful, what do you do? Do you kick them out of your life? Do you avoid this person in anyway possible?

    In this case, and when it comes to family, the situation is a difficult one to handle. You could have a constructive conversation with the person to move toward a mutual understanding, or set boundaries to ensure you aren’t accepting the unacceptable.

    What if you value a healthy lifestyle, but the majority of your friends like to eat unhealthy food and drink heavily on the weekend? Do you try to change your friends? Do you stop being friends with them?

    Once again, you can safely keep boundaries in check so that you can act in accordance with what you stand for. For example, you could politely remove yourself when heavy drinking begins or make a different decision than your peers when it comes to how you eat.

    Sometimes it might take a while to honor your values, if, for example, you value meaningful work but have a job that feels soulless and unfulfilling. You likely won’t find something new overnight, but what matters is that you’re aware of what you want and need, and you’re working toward it.

    When you define what you stand for in in life, you can begin living a life with intention and purpose, with your values in mind.

    By becoming crystal clear on all the things you do and don’t stand for, you can begin ushering out all the things that do not serve you. It isn’t always easy, but with a firm foundation of what you stand for, you can move forward in life with values by your side.

  • 20 Life Lessons I Learned In My Twenties

    20 Life Lessons I Learned In My Twenties

    Osha Key
    Photo: Osha Key

    “The Universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you are already that.” ~Rumi

    I remember when I was a kid, “thirty years old” sounded very old and mature. “Someone who is thirty clearly knows everything about life and has it all figured out.” That was my assumption.

    Life taught me that not only thirty-year olds, but most people in general have no clue what they’re doing with their lives and why they’re here.

    Although I’m far away from knowing all the answers to life’s biggest questions, I feel like my twenties have been such a learning curve.

    I lived in eight different countries, changed careers, started my own business, transformed my body several times, met my soul mate, overcame major challenges, and it feels like I’ve become a completely different person.

    I recently turned thirty and it made me reflect on the last decade. Although it often seems like life doesn’t change much and every day is the same as the last, when I look back at my life it feels like I’ve traveled to a parallel universe.

    I’d love to share the life lessons I learned in my twenties.

    1. How other people judge us is none of our business. We won’t please everyone anyway.

    I spent my teen years and early twenties worrying about what other people thought and said about me. But later in life I realized that it could only affect me if I allowed it to.

    What other people say or think of us is a reflection of them—their values, expectations, insecurities, and standards—and has nothing or very little to do with us.

    People who are wise and/or know who we truly are will not judge us, as they see and know our essence. And those who don’t, we can’t control their thoughts and actions.

    2. Admitting mistakes and apologizing is a sign of strength, not weakness.

    I used to think that apologizing was a sign of weakness and used to play cool and ignore my mistakes. But now I think that the sign of weakness is being full of yourself, having a huge ego, and trying to pretend to be right, no matter what.

    When I noticed how much I respect people who admit they are wrong and apologize, I embraced this behavior myself. It feels liberating.

    3. No one is perfect; we’re all works in progress.

    People might seem like they have their lives together and live perfectly, especially if you judge them by their Instagram pictures. However, when you get to know people more intimately and they open up, you see that even the most successful and seemingly perfect people have insecurities and problems. Some of them have even more than you could ever imagine.

    My life, too, may seem perfect on the outside: I love what I do, travel a lot, live in the tropics, and have an amazing partner. But I still have plenty of challenges and ups and downs in my life—you just won’t find about them on my Instagram account.

    4. Living according to our values and truth is the most satisfying thing in life.

    Determining my main values in life (which are currently health, freedom, connection, and contribution) has put me on a journey to growth. It’s given me clarity and strength to make difficult decisions, like moving countries, ending relationships, and changing careers.

    No matter what you do, if you let your values and truth guide your decisions, it will turn out well, even though at times making these decisions might feel scary and make you feel vulnerable.

    5. Money is just a form of energy.

    I went through periods when I put too much importance on money, as well as times when I criticized money as not being spiritual. It turns out money is just a tool that enables us to do certain things, and it can even help us grow spiritually if we face our patterns or limiting beliefs.

    At the end of the day, money is just a form of energy. The more energy and value you give, the more it comes back (although there’s often a time gap between giving and getting).

    6. We’re not stuck in our reality, our identity, or our story.

    Our sense of self, or identity, is a conceptual fabrication. It’s nothing more than a summation of what everybody else—our parents, teachers, mentors, friends, and society—told us we were, and we accepted as truth.

    We can change instantly if we choose to, although most people unconsciously choose not to. The only thing that keeps us stuck is our own mind. Investing time and effort in mind training, aka meditation, has been one of the most valuable things I’ve done in my life.

    7. Outside circumstances are usually a reflection of our inside.

    Negativity could never affect us unless there was negativity inside of us in the first place.

    Anything that triggers us is a gift, as it points out the areas that we haven’t dealt with or things that are unhealed.

    8. Health is more important than appearances.

    I want to be in great shape because being healthy and fit improves the quality of my life, not because I need to look hot to impress others.

    Although I tried to convince myself that I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me, I still cared a lot—until I learned how to love myself and realized that all I ever needed was a genuine acceptance and appreciation from myself, not others.

    Once we know who we are and are confident about it, external approval becomes less and less important.

    9. Forgiveness is the key to freedom.

    We’re all going through life and doing the best we can with the resources and knowledge that we have at any given time. Let go of anger and grudges, and forgive others and yourself for being an imperfect human.

    10. I’m biased (and so are you) and I know it (and so should you).

    We’re all biased, and realizing that our perspective is neither better nor worse than someone else’s has been both scary and liberating. Letting go of the need to be right and understood has accelerated my growth and allowed me to see the world from many different perspectives.

    11. Loving-kindness moves mountains.

    Whenever I walk with loving-kindness, in my heart, the whole world smiles at me. I mean it literally, not just metaphorically.

    If the world seems like a sad, scary, or unfair place, practice loving-kindness and compassion, and you’ll see from a different perspective.

    12. Listening to our heart, even if it looks ridiculous from a logical perspective, will never fail us.

    All my best decisions in life didn’t make sense. From the outside perspective, I looked like a mad person when I made some of my choices. But there was this inner voice saying, “Even if you don’t know how exactly it’s going to turn out, all is going to be okay.”

    We all have this inner voice; we just need to remove the distractions that hinder us from hearing it, and most importantly, find the courage to listen to it and act on it.

    13. Plans are for adjusting.

    Nothing has ever turned out exactly how I planned. But I believe life always gives us what we ask for. It might not be in the exact form we ask for, though. If you ask for patience, you’ll get a queue in a bank. Life will give you people, opportunities, and circumstances to learn what you need to learn the most.

    14. If we want our relationships to succeed, we have to leave our ego behind.

    Relationships challenge us and facilitate growth. My romantic relationship taught me that trying to be right or holding your pride just doesn’t work if you want it to succeed.

    You have to see a relationship as one ship. If you try to fight and argue and win the “battle,” you’re trying to sink the ship you’re on, so it’s best to see the common goal and common good. This was very challenging in my early twenties but probably the best lesson I’ve learned in life.

    15. Connections are the key to happiness.

    We’re social beings and we long for connection.

    No matter how many cool and amazing things you have going on in your life, if you don’t have people to share it with, you won’t be as happy.

    Surround yourself with people who make you feel your best and recognize who you truly are.

    16. Comparing ourselves to others is the fastest way to feel anxious and unfulfilled.

    It takes practice and self-love to be able to celebrate others’ success, especially when things are not going the way you want to in your own life. But understanding that we’re all on our own journeys has helped me stop comparing myself to others and instead be inspired by others’ journeys and success.

    17. Learning and investing in our skills is the best strategy for future success.

    Physical things, money, even people in our life come and go. The knowledge and skills we’ve acquired is what we carry with us.

    18. Don’t take things personally.

    We suffer when we identify with things, people, circumstances, situations, job titles, and relationship statuses. Embracing the attitude that nothing belongs to us and “all just is” has been very liberating and has brought ease and joy to my life.

    19. Other people don’t always want our help.

    We have to stop forcing our beliefs or trying to help if our help is not welcome.

    I made this mistake way too many times in my early twenties. I was always passionate about helping people, but it took some time and bad experiences to realize that if someone’s not ready for your help, they will not accept it, and you might even do damage rather than service.

    20. Building healthy habits will pay off one hundredfold.

    When I was twenty, I used to smoke, drink alcohol, consume excess caffeine, and eat foods that were unhealthy for my body. And I was fine for a while. When you’re that young, your body can handle anything. But later your body starts tolerating these habits less and less, plus they add stress and your body starts to break down.

    Becoming healthy and changing my lifestyle has been one of the best things I’ve done in life. It gives me so much energy and I feel amazing every single day, thanks to a healthy lifestyle I lead.

    Chances are that on my fortieth birthday I’ll look at these lessons from my twenties and think that I had no clue about life whatsoever. That’s okay. The only constant is change, and humans are consistently inconsistent. I’m can’t wait to see what my thirties will teach me and what kind of person I’ll to become.

  • 7 Steps to Create More Love and Happiness in the Present Moment

    7 Steps to Create More Love and Happiness in the Present Moment

    “The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” ~Abraham Maslow

    It was 4:00am, but I was wide awake. I wanted to be a great achiever, a great partner, and a great parent. Instead, I had turned into an irritable insomniac who no longer knew how to relax.

    I was trying to do everything perfectly and be everything to everyone. Demands kept piling up. This made it tough to focus on the present moment.

    A wandering mind is less happy than a mind focused on what it is doing, according to scientific research. For most people, a wandering mind dominates about half of the time spent awake. That encourages over-thinking, anxiety, and other emotional distress, while limiting the quality of work and play.

    At the time, I didn’t realize how focusing on many different things at once limited my ability to be fully present in my relationships. I also didn’t realize just how crucial relationships are to happiness.

    The Harvard Study of Adult Development tracked people for seventy-five years. People who thrived weren’t those who gained wealth and fame, but those who nurtured great relationships with family, friends, and community.

    What’s the key to nurturing great relationships? Presence. Love flourishes in an atmosphere of kindness, patience, forgiveness, trust, and hope. This is helped by presence and responsiveness in the moment. Anxiety and impatience don’t provide a fertile soil for love.

    I’ve gradually developed a way of being more present in each waking moment of a busy life. It’s made me much calmer, kinder, happier, more relaxed, confident, and more attentive to family, friends, and even strangers.

    Think of your mind as a computer screen with many tabs open. How can you close all the tabs except one, and focus on that? Here’s what works for me.

    1. Clarify what you value.

    Identify your top core values, those things that make life worth living for you. For example, I most value love, health, peace of mind, contribution, and self-actualization. Your list might be a bit different.

    It’s okay to fantasize about being atop some metaphorical mountain. However, it helps to make values, rather than goals, your “mountaintops.” Then you can keep living by your values even if you don’t succeed at one of your goals. For example, you might not yet be able to take that dream round-the-world trip with your partner, but you can still give them your undivided attention for a little time each day.

    This approach boosts motivation and peace of mind. It also plucks fulfillment out of the distant future and brings it into the present moment, enabling you to focus on the now. When your days and minutes express what you value, you become more confident that there’s nothing else you should be doing at any given moment.

    2. Identify your options.

    What are the goals and projects you could pursue? How does each measure up against your top few core values? How much of your time does each require?

    For example, a passion of mine is to help people live with more calm, energy, and brainpower. I started a group, then more people wanted to join. I could have increased the number of groups, but that would have required too much time, eating into my personal relationships.

    I explored other options and decided to start a learning center online. This allows me to contribute more, without sacrificing what I value.

    3. Focus.

    Focus on the top few goals/projects that emerge. Form a clear idea of the next step toward achieving each goal. The solutions to life’s challenges can nearly always be reduced to a simple next step, and another, and so on.

    If you chase too many goals or projects at one time, you might be pulled in different directions, be constantly pre-occupied, and get nowhere. A better way is to focus more boldly, so that your life becomes as simple as taking the next step, with full presence.

    Once you recognize your core values, it becomes easier to say no to attractive options that don’t fit you well enough. For example, I once said no to a surprise offer of an amazing job in another country. The time was not right to uproot our family. I kept what I valued.

    4. Allocate time.

    Allocate blocks of time to each next step according to the importance of the goal to you. Allocate sufficient time regularly for relaxing with family and friends. Allocate some time regularly for planning, worrying, and problem solving.

    Allocating time allows you to steer the ship of your life instead of letting circumstances throw you around.

    For example, I used to be a champion worrier. Then I started setting apart blocks of time for worrying and problem solving. Now worry has to wait for its turn, freeing me to be more fully present when I’m with loved ones.

    5. Act with full presence.

    Throw yourself into each next step at the allocated time. Inhabit each moment of that “next step” fully, as if there was nothing better to do, nothing else to think about, and nowhere better to be.

    This practice calms me. It helps me to work and play better.

    When the allocated time is finished, move on to another “next step,” perhaps for another goal or project. Give that new “next step” your complete, undivided attention during its allocated time.

    Inhabit the moment fully even when you’re not busy pursuing a goal, such as during your planning and problem-solving time, or relaxing with family or friends, or enjoying a hobby.

    I love how this approach frees me to have a bit of fun every day instead of just during vacations. That renews me and restores my equilibrium, amid a busy life.

    6. Save non-urgent problems for later.

    When a non-urgent problem comes up, make a note of it and deal with it later, during your planning, worrying, and problem-solving time. Only when an urgent and important problem comes up need you drop everything else and deal with it.

    What if your children or boss continually bombard you with supposedly urgent and important demands? Guard a little time to refresh and recharge yourself. Your children will eventually grow more independent, and you might consider changing your job.

    7. Review.

    Review how things are going from time to time. If necessary, review the goals and projects to check whether they’re still well-aligned with your values. Sometimes a new opportunity may deserve attention, or your emphasis might need to shift.

    Think of your life as a ship that tends to veer off course. That’s quite common. Your reviews can then gently steer you back on course, toward your core values.

    —

    This seven-step process has replaced a racing, anxious mind with more focus in the present moment. I now enjoy warmer relationships, better work and play, and greater confidence that I can cope with whatever life brings.

    You can inhabit the present moment easily when you’re confident that there’s nothing better for you to do, nothing else to think about right now, and nowhere better to be. This seven-step process will allow you such confidence.

    You don’t have to get this perfect. You just need to get it roughly right, and then adjust your course during your reviews.

    You can then be more present when you’re with family, friends, and others, fully enjoying your time together. Everything that really needs doing will eventually get done, in its allocated time.

    You’ll also become far more secure in dealing with challenges and problems, because your self-image will change.

    You may have felt like a chronically overloaded person. Now you’ll feel more confident about picking your battles, breaking a big problem into small pieces, and patiently eating even a metaphorical “elephant” one morsel at a time. Life needn’t be more complicated than taking one small step at a time.

    You’ll also deal more confidently with disappointments and failures, since you may fail at a particular goal but continue to express your core values through other goals and projects.

    Regrets will dim, because you’ll become more confident that the way you spend your time is an expression of your cherished values, regardless of any particular outcome.

    You’ll also start to achieve much more, with less struggle. But the main satisfaction will come from living a meaningful life that expresses your cherished values in each waking moment.

    This works powerfully for me. You might want to try something like this. If you do, be prepared for more peace of mind, confidence, love, and happiness in each moment.

  • How to Prioritize, Pursue Goals, and Focus When You Have Many Interests

    How to Prioritize, Pursue Goals, and Focus When You Have Many Interests

    Focus

    “A man who limits his interests, limits his life.” ~Vincent Price

    I can’t stay still.

    As a kid, I ran around, misbehaving, climbing everywhere—I was a nightmare for my parents, teachers, and anyone who had to take care of me. One year, my behavior assessment report at school stated: “Leaves a lot to be desired.”

    Through my teenage years, I suddenly quieted down. But my mind didn’t go silent; it still boils inside.

    I crave stimuli. Any time I have a couple of minutes on my own, while waiting in the car or in a queue, for example, I take my phone out and start reading. Or I take notes, whatever keeps my mind busy.

    I have many interests. If I let myself fully indulge in them, I would be all over the place, spread thin like a French pancake.

    Fortunately, I’ve learned to keep them under wraps, like presents that I can open at will. (Although sometimes the wrapping might not hold… I’m only human.)

    I know I’m not alone in my situation. Have you ever asked yourself any of these questions?

    • How can I keep my mind quiet to focus on the one thing that I have to do?
    • How can I stay motivated to pursue one goal and follow through with my plan when I want to do a hundred things?
    • How can I satisfy my many interests with the limited time I have?

    Over time, I’ve learned to deal with these challenges, and fortunately, I’ve found a solution.

    Here is the six-step method I refined over the years. With it, I can indulge in many interests and still stay focused to get things done. It gives me quick results and is highly flexible.

    1. Your must-haves.

    The first step is to define which activities are the most important in your life at this time—activities that stand at the core of the life you want. Examples include: spending time with your family and friends, exercising, reading, listening to music, and traveling.

    Undertakings that are part of your personal growth plan are also important, as they will make you the person you want to become. Examples include: learning new skills, improving your existing ones, starting a side business, and advancing your career.

    All these activities are your must-haves; they are highly important to you and they can have a considerable impact on your life. This is where you will put your full focus.

    Write them all down in a list.

    2. Nice-to-haves.

    Then, decide which other activities you are going to indulge in. What is important for your entertainment or your craving for knowledge? These activities are typically your hobbies, things you love doing like watching movies, playing games, and reading fiction books.

    Write down your nice-to-have activities on a second list.

    3. Clear the clutter.

    Our brain is constantly looking for stimulation. And conveniently, our modern society provides it. It will happily bombard our brain with stimuli through app notifications, endless news, emails, and texts.

    All these stimuli and our relentless quest for instant gratification inevitably bring us to procrastination.

    To get our head out of the water, we have to get rid of the clutter. We need to free time for our must-haves and nice-to-haves. Ask yourself the following questions:

    • What are the activities that you do purely out of habit even though you don’t enjoy them much?
    • What are the things you end up doing because you feel you “should,” even though they are not important to you? (Maybe you’ve been brought up to do them, or peer pressure “compels” you do these things.)
    • What are your typical procrastination activities?

    Here are examples of activities that might typically fall into this category: watching the news, checking Facebook or your email, and watching TV generally.

    Take your time to dig out all these activities and write them down on a third list. This is the list of activities that you should stop doing or do less frequently.

    Keep the list as a reminder in case you catch yourself “wasting” time on these activities.

    4. Get your one-page plan.

    Now that you have your three lists, write down your must-have and nice-to-have activities in a weekly plan.

    Put down the amount of time you will allocate to each of these activities every day or every week; for example: read for thirty minutes every day or exercise for thirty minutes on Tuesday and Thursday.

    Your time allocation for your must-have activities should naturally be more substantial. If you realize this is not the case, you should got back to step 1 and 2 and clarify what is a must-have and what is a nice-to-have.

    5. Track and adjust.

    Now that you have your weekly plan, follow it during a typical week. Try to stick to the time you have allocated for each activity. Then, every day, write down how much time you’ve really spent on all your activities.

    At the weekend, review your week and analyze the data.

    • Did you stick to your plan?
    • Did you spend a lot more time than planned on a couple of activities?
    • Did you manage to clear the clutter, or did you spend time on activities that were not part of the plan?

    Based on your answers to the questions above, make adjustments to your plan for the following week. Allocate more or less time to specific activities where it makes sense.

    Remove activities if you must. Refocus and commit to clearing out the clutter once again.

    6. Experiment, explore, shuffle.

    Your plan is not static. The whole point of the method is to indulge in the activities and topics you’re interested in. So feel free to shuffle your activities around and add new ones at will.

    Explore, try out whatever you fancy, even indulging in cluttering activities to see where it leads you.

    By exploring and experimenting, your will learn more about yourself and what brings you fulfilment.

    You might discover that one activity that you’ve wanted to do for a long time isn’t that exciting and fulfilling once you indulge in it. So you might end up dropping it, with the satisfaction of having tried it out.

    Over time, our interests and goals change; this is why your plan of typical activities will and should be updated on a regular basis, typically once a month.

    Have Fun

    This six-step process might seem pretty regulated, but it doesn’t have to be. Once you’re comfortable with your plan and devoting time to what is important and fulfilling to you, you won’t need to worry about the plan every week. You can then keep your planning to a minimum.

    I am actually not a very keen planner. But the benefits of tracking my daily activities and keeping my mind and life within the bounds I have set for myself overcome the pain of planning.

    A plan keeps you focused and prevents you from feeling overwhelmed by too many activities.

    So I follow a clear weekly plan for my must-haves. In contrast, my nice-to-have activities are more driven by the daily habits I put in place than a strict plan.

    Take ownership of the process and shape it to make it fit within your life. As long as you’re clear on what you want and committed to discovering yourself while trying new activities, feel free to do whatever you please.

    Do what keeps you excited and fulfilled. Have fun!

    Following this six-step system means that I had to drop, at least momentarily, activities that I love in favor of others that are more important to me right now.

    I listen to podcasts in the car for my personal growth, which means I don’t listen to music during my daily commute. I read more non-fiction than fiction books, even though I love fantasy and science fiction. I have reduced the time I spend playing video games, but they are still in my nice-to-have list—I’m a gamer at the core after all!

    In short, I had to make choices. I am happy with the outcome.

    I feel excitement knowing that my activities will keep changing over time. I can enjoy the journey, indulge in my interests, and feed my mind. I don’t feel like I’m missing out.

    The main difference from before is that I’m now in control. I learned to regulate my life to feel more relaxed and focused.

    My mind thanks me. My wife does, too.

    Focus image via Shutterstock

  • Imagine Living a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From

    Imagine Living a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From

    Happy Man

    “Instead of wondering when our next vacation is we should set up a life we don’t need to escape from.” ~Seth Godin

    I was a senior human resources professional at the biggest company in New Zealand. I had a great team of people, a flash company car, and got to stay at the posh hotels and dine at the nicest restaurants.

    I was paid more than I thought I’d ever earn, I had a house overlooking the beach, and got to vacation at some fantastic destinations. My life had all the hallmarks of success from the outside, but inside there was a hole in my soul.

    I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I left school (or even a decade after), but I was taught what success looked like—a high salary, job security, a fancy title, and the higher up the ladder you went, the better. But my experience didn’t really fit this model.

    I’d had a feeling for some time that the corporate world wasn’t for me.

    In the morning I struggled to put on my work shoes and dress for the office, preferring to be bare foot on the beach in my shorts.

    I hated being stuck inside. Some days I’d never get to go outside my office. It just didn’t seem like me, but it paid well and every time I got promoted people would tell me how great it was.

    Eventually I had enough of climbing the ladder, pretending to be important, checking emails at 10pm, attending back-to-back meetings, commuting in city traffic jams, and sitting for hours in front of a computer screen, my phone constantly going.

    I would sit in meetings talking about strategies and adding value while looking outside, daydreaming of where I’d rather be.

    I was exhausted, unhappy, and I kept getting sick. It wasn’t so much the stressful job that tired me; the really exhausting part was pretending to be something I wasn’t, committing to things that didn’t matter to me, and selling out on my values and purpose.

    The further I climbed, the more I earned, and the more successful people told me I was, the unhappier I became. I had a full bank account but an empty soul. I thought there must be more to life than that.

    When I told people I did not find my job fulfilling, they looked at me like I had two heads.

    “Why would you expect it to be? It pays the bills; that’s its purpose. There isn’t anymore.”

    For a moment I thought maybe I wasn’t being grateful. I was lost in the cycle of wanting more; perhaps I was looking for greener grass? There was only one way to find out, so I took the leap, quit my job, and walked away.

    Many people thought I was brave for making the decision to leave such a good job without any qualification to do anything else and no other job to go to. Many more thought I was crazy.

    But I’m not the only one. Lots of people are now choosing to put their health and quality of life before work and seeking balance. We are beginning to wake up to the fact that it’s important to live our values and spend our days doing things that matter to us.

    Of course, you don’t always have to quit your job to achieve this. There are those who are happy in their work and love what they do, and if that’s you, I salute you.

    For those yet to find that, don’t panic. Think about what you’re good at, what makes you tick, and what you enjoy the most and begin to bring those changes into your life.

    We can all feel trapped in our day jobs, whether it be for the perks, the status, the career progression, or just the need to pay the bills. These are all forms of security, and it’s one of the reasons we spend so long in jobs we can’t bear.

    There is a natural fear of the unknown, a new job, having to retrain, the need to pay the bills.

    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Whether it’s updating your resume, meeting with recruitment agents, looking at home study courses, budgeting your finances, or sitting down and setting some goals, the key is to make a start.

    Taking a risk into the unknown is scary but also liberating. We are motivated and excited by change, but at the same time it can send us running back to the things we know. It’s all too easy to find excuses to put off making a change and stay where it feels safe.

    We perceive security in our pay checks and the things familiar to us, even if they don’t make us happy, but as Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”

    I did this for years. Every time I was forced into a change of job I would tell people, “I might try something different this time and do something I really enjoy,” but the call of the familiar pulled me back to the corporate world (not to mention the money I needed to pay the rent and the fact that I wasn’t qualified to do anything else).

    I used to spend my days looking forward to long weekends and vacations. Now I have a life I feel I don’t need to vacate from.

    When I left the corporate world I spent my new found freedom learning to be a yoga teacher, living in Ashrams, and undertaking meditation retreats. I can now put that knowledge and my passion into what I do every day.

    I feel like I help and inspire people, although it’s not all butterflies and rainbows; I earn less, have to get up earlier, and sometimes I don’t know when or where the next job is coming from. But my work is part of my life now rather than an inconvenient interruption to it.

    It keeps me fit and healthy, I get to travel and meet like minded people, and for the first time I feel there’s a purpose and reason to what I do, and it’s a wholesome one.

    I firmly believe in the mantra “Do what you love and love what you do and you will be successful.” I always wanted a job you could turn up for in yoga pants and a hoodie and the best of all, you don’t have to wear shoes!

    Happy man image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Help You Choose When You Have a Lot of Passions

    4 Tips to Help You Choose When You Have a Lot of Passions

    Choices

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    When I first quit my office job in 2012, I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life. My idea bank was at zero.

    But for a full year after leaving my job, I committed myself to exploring and doing the things I’d always been too scared to do.

    I took acting classes, traveled, volunteered on farms, started a blog, learned about a more sustainable lifestyle, and was initiated into Reiki.

    After a while I realized my problem had spun a complete 360. My idea bank was full to the brim and now, far from being frustrated at my lack of ideas for the future, I was confused and overwhelmed at the number of choices I had.

    I had countless ideas for what I could do with my life, and I didn’t know where to put my focus.

    Did I want to pursue Reiki and help others in the way it had helped me?

    Did I want to become a coach?

    Did I want to save the planet by devoting myself to environmental causes?

    Did I want to move to a farm, live in a community, and grow veggies?

    Did I want to start walking holidays in the Lake District?

    Did I want to become a private French tutor?

    Did I want to pursue acting?

    Did I want to open a coffee shop? A Vietnamese coffee shop, to be precise…

    Looking back, I see that much of my confusion could have been eliminated early on if I’d have known some of the things I know today. It’s such an incredibly frustrating place to be, being passionate about so many things and not knowing which to choose. It often results in choosing nothing.

    Today, I’d love to share with you some ideas and exercises that helped me sift through the confusion of all the things I was passionate about and to find a way forward.

    1. Begin with the end in mind.

    In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey advises that we “begin with the end in mind.”

    The idea of beginning with the end in mind means knowing your destination in advance so that you can more easily make the choices and take the steps necessary to get you there. When you begin with the end in mind, your daily actions are aligned with your bigger vision.

    Beginning with the end in mind, at its deepest level, literally means looking at the end of your life.

    What do you want to be remembered for? What do you want people to say about you when you’re gone? What would you like to have changed in the world? I absolutely recommend reading Covey’s book and working through this in detail.

    But right now, for today, let’s take beginning with the end in mind at a level that will help you gain some clarity on which of your passions to pursue.

    Really think hard and in detail about the life and lifestyle you want to create for yourself.

    Where do you want to live? Do you want to be location independent? Do you want to sit at a desk or be outside most of the time? Do you want to spend most of your time with people, or alone? What time do you want to get up? Go to bed?

    For example, I was clear that I wanted 100% location independence, and so creating a local Reiki practice would have made no sense.

    I wanted complete control over my schedule, so opening a Vietnamese coffee shop and having set opening and closing times would have been far from ideal.

    If you don’t begin with the end in mind, you can end up creating a life that you don’t really want.

    2. Know your values.

    When I first left my job, I really had no idea what it meant to “know your values.” But over the last couple of years I’ve seen how essential knowing your core values is in creating a life you love.

    When it comes to choosing one passion among many, just like beginning with the end in mind, knowing your values will really help you gain some clarity.

    As an example, one of my most important values is freedom. I want to have freedom of location, freedom of time, and financial freedom.

    Knowing my most important values allows me to constantly make decisions in alignment with the life I want to create and that are ultimately going to make me happier.

    If I value freedom above all else, there’s no way I’m going to tie myself down to a coffee shop.

    If you’ve never thought about your real values, now is a great time to start. Here are a couple of questions to get you started. If you can find a friend, coach, or mentor to ask you these questions, that can also be really helpful.

    Think of a single moment in time you remember being especially rewarding or poignant. 

    What was happening? Who were you with? What was going on? What were the values that were being honored in that moment?

    Maybe you recently took a trip and remember feeling blissfully happy while looking out at a beautiful sunset. In this case, perhaps you value nature, peace, or serenity.

    Repeat this exercise with several other moments that you can remember and draw out as many value words as you can. If you’re struggling to find the words, I recommend checking out this article.

    Think of a single moment in time you felt angry, upset, or frustrated.

    What was happening? Who were you with? What was going on?

    This exercise will often lead you to suppressed or unmet values.

    For example, if I think back to my old job, I remember being really annoyed at having to figure out my holiday dates around thirty other people in the office. Why couldn’t I just go when it was best for me, when I wanted to go on holiday? My value of freedom was being totally crushed here, and it really made me angry.

    Get the idea? Go ahead and give it a try.

    3. Understand that you can still be passionate about something, even if you’re not getting paid for it.

    One of my biggest stumbling blocks and frustrations over the last couple of years has been the misguided belief that I must turn all my passions into a business.

    I had an irrational fear that by picking one, the others would disappear from my life forever.

    But that’s simply not true. Your passions can still be your passions even if you don’t get paid for them.

    I still practice Reiki on myself and others, and that’s enough for me. I don’t need or want to turn it into my business.

    I can go grab or make a cup of Vietnamese coffee whenever I like. There’s really no need for me to open a coffee shop, especially when it’s not in alignment with the ultimate life I want to create.

    I grow veggies on my home balcony, and that fulfills my passion for being connected to the earth and wholesome, healthy food.

    The thought of letting go of turning some of your passions into your future work can feel really painful. It’s so important to understand that you can still have them in your life even if you pick another of your passions to pursue professionally.

    4. Trust that things will fall in to place.

    Finally, at the end of the day, you’ve just got to have a little faith and trust in the whole process. Sometimes things can seem as clear as mud. And that’s okay. Your only job is to keep taking small steps each day. The path will unfold and become clearer as you go. Enjoy the journey.

    Choices image via Shutterstock

  • How to Change Your Habits and Your Life in 5 Steps

    How to Change Your Habits and Your Life in 5 Steps

    Make the Change

    “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” ~Frederick Douglass

    We all experience struggles. Some are seemingly insurmountable. Others, like mine, are comparatively small. Regardless of their scale, it’s what we learn from our struggles that counts.

    Mine began while at university in London. Originally from a small town in the Welsh valleys, the move to the big city was a scary one for me.

    A mum’s boy at heart, I didn’t deal well with being so far away from home. I’m also an introvert who didn’t embrace the uni lifestyle of drinking to failure, so I didn’t make many friends early on.

    The workload was tough too, and the course content didn’t inspire me one bit. I had never really considered what I wanted out of life, but I quickly discovered that rocks and complex math weren’t part it. Still, I pushed through, partly because I was stubborn but mainly because I was scared to fail.

    As I said, my struggles weren’t monumental. My first-world problems pale in comparison to others, but at the time it was hard to see past them. I felt trapped and stressed out.

    As a coping mechanism for the stress, I turned to my safe haven: sports. Martial arts, football, weight lifting—anything that allowed my brain to shut off temporarily.

    What started as an escape quickly became unhealthy. Training sometimes three times a day was only adding to the problem, and eventually things broke down.

    I started developing a mouthful of painful ulcers regularly, making it difficult to talk and eat. They came with bouts of fatigue and digestive issues too, and one particularly nasty flare up led to a hospital visit.

    A few blood tests and examinations later, the news came back that I likely had Crohn’s disease, an inflammatory condition that can affect any part of the digestive tract (from the mouth, to the other end).

    Crohn’s can be pretty miserable. Oftentimes, sufferers face a lifetime of medications and surgery. I knew that wasn’t a path I wanted. I decided right then (in a naïve and almost boisterous manner) that Crohn’s or not, I would beat this myself.

    I took a step back to examine the big picture.

    In my eyes, I had these habits that were making me ill and keeping me on a path that I didn’t want. To change my trajectory, I just needed to alter my habits. If only it was that simple…

    I soon found out the hard way that habit changing isn’t the easiest pastime. After many failed attempts, I always came back to the same question: How can we create habits that are lasting rather than ones that phase out after a few weeks?

    Eventually, through trial and error, I was able to come up with a few answers, and gradually began transforming my life. I started eating a plant-based diet, and altered how I trained, which gave me more energy.

    I read more, worried less, and meditated regularly, which reduced my stress levels and allowed me to see more clearly the road I wanted to take.

    Fast forward a few years to the present day, things have vastly improved. Although I still occasionally get health issues, the symptoms are much easier to deal with.

    Despite repeated blood tests and investigations, I haven’t been diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. Maybe it was an overzealous initial prognosis, or perhaps I dodged a bullet by changing my habits. Either way, I’m happy that I went through the struggle. It taught me a lot, and allowed me to create the life I‘m living today.

    If you’re feeling a little lost right now, or you’re struggling to implement changes, you may benefit from applying these five important lessons I’ve learned about forming habits.

    1. Start with self-acceptance.

    Most of us practice unconditional love toward our close friends and family, regardless of their flaws, but it’s rare that we show the same acceptance toward ourselves.

    Instead, we beat ourselves up over every mistake we make, and every little defect. Our big belly, our bad eating habits, our laziness, and inability to manifest change. We waste so much energy focusing on these things, energy that could be used productively elsewhere.

    Perhaps the most important step in habit changing is to first accept yourself for who you are, flaws and all. Those imperfections are what make us human.

    Instead of talking yourself down, try treating yourself as you would a loved one. Be forgiving, and realize that wherever you are right now, it’s okay.

    You’re more likely to succeed in making changes if they’re coming from a place of self-respect rather than self-hatred.

    2. Determine your values.

    It’s easy to lose sight of what’s really important to us. We’re constantly comparing ourselves to others. We get a neatly packaged glimpse into their life on Facebook, and form a false idea of perfection that we should live up to.

    We then attempt to make a load of changes to become more like that person, without considering why. We set goals that are not aligned with our values, resulting in discomfort and dis-ease, and we never commit to them long term because they’re not that important to us.

    Be you, not a second-rate version of someone else. First, determine your values by asking yourself a few questions. What would you do if money weren’t an issue? Where are you most organized and reliable? What do you surround yourself with?

    Some people value their health above all else. Others are more concerned with their family, or making lots of money, or a mixture of all the above.

    Whatever’s most important to you, set goals that align with it. For example, if you want to eat healthily, but your highest value is caring for your family, how can you reframe that goal?

    Eating healthier may allow you to spend more quality time with your loved ones, or help you do a better job of looking after them. That’s your strong reason “why” that will excite you and inspire you to move forward.

    3. Start small and build gradually.

    Willpower is not an infinite energy source, and when forming habits we should avoid tapping into it as much as possible.

    I’m a sucker for getting over zealous and trying to make many big changes at once, but rarely does this ever lead to long-term success. Lasting changes are made from many small steps added together, not from a flick of the switch.

    Rather than fixating on an end goal, plan your next few steps in that general direction, then execute them. If you want to eat healthily, maybe start by changing your breakfast, and nothing else. When you’re fully comfortable with that, perhaps begin to adjust your lunch.

    Take your time, and don’t be tempted to bite off more than you can chew. Commit to the long haul rather than looking for the quick fix. It’s a more satisfying process, and each small step you take, you build your self-esteem, and your ability to produce further change.

    4. Build a support network.

    I’ve always had the tendency to try to tackle problems on my own. I thought asking for help was a sign of weakness, but the opposite is true. Building community is an important part of forming habits. It was only when I involved others that I really started to see success.

    Perhaps tell a reliable friend about the next few steps you’re taking with your new habit, and ask them to hold you accountable with weekly progress reports. Maybe even introduce rewards. This can give you that extra push you need to succeed.

    5. Embrace failure.

    Many of us grow up fearing failure. The reality is that failure can be a good thing, but we’re not taught how to deal with it properly. For most young people, failure is met with the less than inspiring statement of ”Oh well, better luck next time.” They’re left feeling deflated, with low self-esteem and nothing to act upon.

    You’ll likely fail several times when changing your habits, just like I did (and still do). First, realize it’s okay. Those road bumps are a vital part of the learning process.

    Secondly, search for the lesson. Failure teaches us what we can do to improve so we can come back next time as an upgraded version of ourselves. Maybe it means altering your goal to make it a little easier.

    Make your adjustments, pick yourself up, and get back on the path to fulfilling your passions.

    Make the change image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Questions That Will Help You Focus On What Matters

    5 Questions That Will Help You Focus On What Matters

    Focus on What Matters

    “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver

    Let’s get things done.

    If you’ve ever read any books or articles about productivity, you’ve heard this phrase. It’s one I used and made a part of my life for a long time. More recently, I’ve discovered there’s a better and more disciplined way to work and to live.

    It’s called essentialism, and it means getting more of the right things done.

    According to Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, an essentialist removes the trivial and focuses on what adds value.

    They make smart decisions about how to spend their time, energy, and resources because they understand this is the best way of contributing more to the people in their lives, to their families, and to society.

    I’ve discovered five important questions that are helping me make progress toward getting more of the right things done.

    And I want to share them with you.

    1. Is this activity adding value to my life?

    Since I was a child, I played and loved video games. When I was in my mid-twenties, I even reviewed them for a popular entertainment website. The website didn’t pay me, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed gaming, and I was able to keep the games after I wrote my reviews.

    After a year or two of this, I felt a shift in how I approached games. Instead of looking forward to playing the next AAA title or blockbuster release, I began to dread the tedious missions, the walkthroughs, and inevitable write-ups.

    To my great shame, I wrote negative reviews of games I’d only played for an hour or two before selling them.

    One morning, after staying up late gaming the night before, I woke up and realized I was wasting my time and energy on something I didn’t enjoy. I emailed my editor and told him I was done. Then, I sold my games and gave my console to my son.

    I’m not making a case against gaming; instead, I share this story as an example of how we value our time differently as we grow older.

    2. How am I going to fill my glass?

    Consider your entire day a glass:

    You can fill this glass first with important activities, or big rocks, such as spending time with family or working on projects you’re passionate about. Then, you can fill the glass with non-essential activities like answering email or watching television—these are like grains of sand, and they will settle around the big rocks in your day.

    However, if you fill your glass with non-essential activities first, there will be no room left for the big rocks in your day.

    Every night, before I go to bed, I ask myself what I want to fill my glass with?

    My answer is almost always the same: to write.

    Unless I act, these grains of sand will fill my day and leave no room for writing. However, if I make a conscious decision to write, these grains of sand settle around the big rocks in my day.

    I’m not going to lie and say I fit writing into every day, but when I do I feel lighter. And if I write first thing—even if it’s just a journal entry—I don’t have the inevitable moment when I sit on the couch after an exhausting and demanding day and think, “Oh no, I still have to write.”

    If you’re not a writer, you still have big rocks in your life. They could be spending time with a loved one, meditating, or exercising. Your grains of sand could be commitments you’ve made to others that aren’t adding value to your life or passive activities like watching the news or reading social media feeds.

    Decide on your big rocks before you got to bed, and you will wake up and fill your day with what matters.

    3. What clutter can I eliminate?

    Two years ago, I lost a dream job. I was unemployed for six months, and spent a lot of this free time figuring out what matters most to me and reading about minimalism.

    It felt like something I could get into, and when you’re unemployed, you need something to get into.

    Minimalism is another name for essentialism, and the quickest way to get started is to eliminate material goods you don’t use, need, love, or depend on.

    I sold my laptop because I prefer writing using my desktop computer. I donated every book to charity that I promised myself I’d read but had no intention of doing so.

    I got rid of every item of clothing that I hadn’t worn during the past twelve months. And, I deleted almost all of the unwatched films and TV shows on my hard-drive and cancelled subscriptions to various online services.

    Did I do this because I had free time on my hands?

    Perhaps.

    Later on, when I found a job, I thought of buying a new laptop and replacing the clothes I’d given away. But I found I didn’t miss any of these things.

    Eliminating clutter gave me more space, more time, and more room for the big rocks in my life.

    If you want to eliminate some of the clutter in your life, McKeown offers this advice:

    “If I didn’t already own this, how much would I spend to buy it?”

    4. How do I protect myself?

    To be an essentialist is to protect your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Each of these three areas represents one side of a triangle, and if one is under stress, the other two will suffer.

    Here’s how I protect myself:

    To look after my mental health, I expose myself to new ideas through challenging books and record ten ideas every day based on these books. This practice keeps my brain active.

    To look after my physical health, I run up to twenty miles a week. This practice helps me work through stressful problems, and it gives me more energy for other areas of my life.

    To look after my spiritual health, I try to meditate for an hour a week, and I write regular journal entries about what I’m struggling with and things I feel grateful for.

    I find this practice exceptionally difficult, but taking a step back from the trenches of the working week helps me quiet my monkey mind. It helps me sleep better at night. And then I can return to whatever I’m doing with a renewed vigor.

    5. How often do I disconnect?

    Several years ago, I went on vacation to a campsite in Italy. There was no immediately available Internet access at the campsite, and I wasn’t able to check my phone and my feeds or read the news whenever I wanted.

    On the first day of this trip, I felt disconnected and behind. My hands kept reaching for the email app on my phone even though I knew I didn’t have access to the Internet.

    After a day or two this habit died, and I began to enjoy these disconnected few days away from home. I took one lesson home from this holiday.

    Being constantly connected kills my opportunity to escape, to enjoy a vacation, to spend time with the people I’m with and even to focus on my work.

    It’s been a while since I’ve gone a week without email, but I’ve removed the email app from my phone and only check it at predefined periods during the day. I’ve also disabled as many notifications as possible on the devices that I use. And I regularly work without being connected to the Internet.

    If you take regular time out to take care of yourself, you will be better able to focus on what matters

    Live Your Wild and Precious Life

    An essentialist avoids spending their time on tasks they can say no to, on people they should say no to, and on compromises that aren’t worth making.

    They are committed working on what inspires them, on what they’re talented at, and pursuing their contributions to the world.

    I’m still working on becoming an essentialist and eliminating the trivial from my life. It’s a difficult practice and one I fall way from often, but the five questions I’ve shared with you help.

    I know now that anyone can choose to live their wild and precious life the way they want.

    We just have to decide what matters.

  • 4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Create a Truly Rich and Meaningful Life

    4 Questions to Ask Yourself to Create a Truly Rich and Meaningful Life

    “Don’t miss all the beautiful colors of the rainbow looking for that pot of gold.” ~Unknown

    It’s frustrating, isn’t it?

    Stumbling through life without a clear sense of direction. Wondering day after day if it’s ever going to get better.

    After all, perpetual joy and a meaningful life are only for the rich and famous. The idea of fulfilment seems so far-fetched given the mundaneness of an ordinary day.

    But you know that anything is possible, right?

    Could it be that with a little thought, the day will come when you’ll enjoy the colors of the rainbow, regardless of whether you’ve reached your pot of gold or not?

    In Search of Material Riches

    I come from an underprivileged background. Growing up, the only thing I could think of that would make me happy was to be rich. While I frequently heard the saying, “Money doesn’t make you happy,” I dismissed its true message because I believed I needed stuff to live comfortably.

    So I spent most of my life chasing this fantasy, never actually getting to a point of contentment. In my adulthood, I was no longer destitute, but I was still after that illusion.

    Then, a few years ago I had a classic case of burnout and exhaustion. I didn’t know where I was going any longer, life tasted bland, and the future seemed pointless. All I could do was think about the woman I knew I was deep down, the woman full of hopes and aspirations to make a difference.

    I was desperate to change my situation.

    So the quest truly began. To repair my broken self, I indulged in self-help books, visited the professionals, and overlaid positive mantras in my brain in the hopes of waking up one morning as a new person.

    But a gaping black hole was still in my soul, waiting to be filled with something more meaningful.

    Getting Struck by Lightning

    After months of searching for the Holy Grail, someone planted an idea in me: “There’s no ‘light-bulb moment.’ The answers are already in front of you, if you choose to see them.”

    I was skeptical at first upon hearing this. “You mean I won’t be hit by this electrifying lightning bolt, changing my life forever?”

    On reflection, this was the enlightening idea that allowed me to move forward.

    I realized that all along I was looking in the wrong direction. I never really stopped to think about what was important to me and how I could use these insights to live a more fulfilling life where every day mattered.

    The truth is, we spend so much time following false riches and focusing on hollow goals that we often lose touch with what is right in front of us.

    However, there is a way to edge closer to your truth: to live a truly rich and meaningful life, you need to unearth your deepest values and desires.

    And to do that, I discovered that by asking the right questions, you can see through the mist casting shadows on your thinking and clarity.

    Questions are effective because they jolt your brain into a different level of reflection, digging to the root of your values (unlike wondering why you’re blocked, which only confirms you are indeed in a lost place).

    So, with the help of the following four questions, I began to uncover the hidden treasures that I neglected for so long in all areas of my life.

    I invite you to ask yourself these questions too, and note the immediate answers that surface.

     1. What kind of qualities does your superhero self have when relating to others?

    Imagine your internal fears magically disappear; how would you behave differently with others?

    This question clarifies the sorts of relationships you want to be forming with others. It’s not about how you’d like to be treated, but rather the way your ideal self would behave when connecting with others.

    Also think about what your superhero does when pushed to the limit. Does he or she stand by and let others dominate, or have the courage to say, “No, I’m not having this”?

    When I asked myself this question, integrity, self-respect, and honesty featured on top of my list of important qualities to have. Since then, I’ve successfully confronted people when I’ve found their behavior unacceptable toward me instead of keeping my sorrows inside.

    Remember, often you can’t run away from people you don’t like, but you can choose to respond to them differently, either by interpreting situations in an empowering way internally or by saying your peace out loud.

    2. What type of activities could you channel your energies toward that would satisfy you deep down?

    Imagine you’re receiving an award for your life’s work. How would they describe your achievements when you’re called to make your acceptance speech?

    This exercise is not meant to find your passion or your calling. It’s designed to shed light on the values that are dear to you, and it can be used in any workplace to inject enthusiasm into whatever you do.

    When I connected with my deeper values of being helpful, considerate, and compassionate, it was a game changer. I used these rediscovered qualities to give my full attention to those who needed it instead of focusing on trying to fit in a work environment that didn’t suit my personality.

    You may not be doing what you’d ideally like to right now, but you can turn even a stop gap activity into a source of valuable life enhancing experience.

    3. What do you spend too much time worrying about?

    Imagine you’re looking back on your life as an elderly person. What advice would your older self give to your younger self?

    None of us like to imagine ourselves as a bitter eighty-year-old full of regret. Every time I ask this question to myself, worries suddenly reorder themselves, and solutions appear instead of endless anxiety.

    This question particularly clarified for me that I needed to focus on being more open, trusting, and mindful. I’ve become more open to experiences I was afraid of before and more trusting of myself, the future, and others. I also purposefully slowed down and become mindful of the world around me, seeing the beauty in the everyday things I would have walked past before.

    Life’s daily trials can seem so insurmountable at times; petty incidents seem enough to want to tear your hair out. But do they really matter in the grand scheme of things? Will it matter even a few months on if someone talked to you the wrong way?

    4. What do you not do enough of?

    Imagine you have all the time in the world. What would your quiet times look like?

    When it comes to winding down, do you give yourself the opportunity to fully restore your energy? Or do you habitually squeeze an extra three to four hours of each day just to keep up with life’s demands?

    Chasing material things and endlessly going after bold goals can spell trouble ahead. Forgetting to pamper yourself now and then not only lets your health down, but also negatively affects your relationships.

    My new priorities that emerged were creativity, family, and health. I used to long for the day when I’d retire and could immerse myself in painting and drawing. But I discovered how I can add creative imagination to daily life when working on my planner or cooking a meal for instance.

    If this all sounds too alien, or wrong, maybe you have to start by accepting that you and your sanity matter as much as the next person’s. If you really care about living a meaningful life, doing more of what makes you happy will be just the magic pill you need.

    Living by Your Highest Standards

    You know life is only worth living if it’s meaningful.

    Waking up each morning with excitement does not have to be at the bottom of your priorities.

    Clarifying your deepest values and desires will help you make decisions (small or large) and see alternative options.

    You’ll have the power to take a stand when others are crossing your boundaries or asking for too much.

    You’ll realize you don’t need money to fulfill your dreams; you can travel on a budget, help your parents without spending a dime, and do work you enjoy rather than work that merely pays well.

    Finally, once you shift the focus and give yourself permission to live by your values, it’ll be such a motivating element that you’ll never again ask, “What’s the point of it all?”

  • 6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    Closeup of Smiling Woman

    “Awaken; return to yourself” ~Marcus Aurelius

    Darkness. Resentment. Detachment. Extreme discomfort.

    Those are the words I would use to describe my internal experience during my adolescent years up to young adulthood.

    Depression was something I was all too familiar with. Fear was running my life and I was exhausted. I now understand that a lot of it had to do with the dysfunctional family I grew up in and the pain that ensued.

    Determined to break this unhealthy way of being, I’ve been on a road of healing and self-growth over the past few years.

    However, my transition into a stronger relationship with myself really kicked into gear after my heart got broken for the first time. But it didn’t just get broken—it got completely shredded. Little did I know this would be the best thing that had ever happened to me.

    As I was deep into the break-up process, I was awakened by the fact that I had completely abandoned myself in the relationship. My confidence was low, I had no self-worth, and I relied on the one I loved to save me and carry me.

    I became delusional about the reality of my relationship and the man I was in love with.

    Harsh realization to come to terms with, but that was my starting point.

    Eventually, I was able to slowly put myself back out into the world. I kept running into situations that led me to discover all of these core values I was lacking in the relationship.

    After a few months of insightful encounters, I came to understand the path I was on: building a stronger, healthier relationship with myself.

    Even though I was going through heartbreak, I felt lighter, different. It was weird. After a while everything seemed to have “clicked” and kept progressing.

    From that point on I became devoted to myself. I was determined to rely on myself for the things I was constantly depending on other people/outside sources for. Below are the steps that helped me move toward myself.

    1. Practice self-compassion.

    Get to know this. Make it your new religion. This is the core for a stronger relationship with yourself because it creates a gentler tone within you.

    Self-compassion helps you acknowledge when you’re going through a hard time and release judgments toward yourself, which then opens you up to self-love.

    Even though it was hard, I practiced this during my break-up. I would put my hand on my heart and say things such as, “You poor thing, this is such an incredible amount of pain to deal with. This hurts so bad.” And I’d stay with that pain for a moment.

    I’d then finish off by reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can right now and I’m actually handling the situation really well.

    Doing this gave me the courage to ease into intense emotions and feel them fully, which helped me heal. It also empowered me as it made me feel not as codependent.

    Realizing that I was able to take care of myself during this incredibly painful time was a huge moment for me. Ultimately, it restored all of this self-love in me that I never knew existed.

    I suggest reading Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion. I was able to grasp the concept just from this book. However, as someone who has been extremely hard on myself my whole life, it was difficult to be open to the idea at first and took a lot of practice.

    2. Get in touch with your feelings and body.

    I spent a lifetime repressing feelings not even understanding what they were. I now realize this is not okay.

    Our bodies are constantly filling us up with sensations trying to let us know what they feel and need. I’ve found that the more I try to identify my feelings, the closer I become to my intuition.

    Recently, I had to choose a new roommate and met with a ton of people. As I tried to get to know everyone, I made sure I became aware of the feeling that filled up inside me. I would notice warm yet powerful sensations, tightness, or nothing at all. After a while I began to trust those feelings and based my decisions off of them.

    It has also made me treat my heart and body with more respect, so I take better care of them.

    One time when I was working a lot I felt an illness coming on. After I came home that day, I listened very carefully to what my body needed to feel better. I ate whatever sounded good (sweet corn sounded like heaven, oddly enough), drank lots of water, took a bath, gave myself a ton of self-love, and went to bed super early.

    I felt amazing the next day.

    Meditation is also a great exercise for this that will heighten your awareness of any feelings that arise.

    3. Discover your values.

    We all have values, but do we ever really analyze what they are and why we choose some over others?

    I went through a list of values one day that I found online and highlighted the ones that spoke to me the most. I became so much closer to myself after establishing this.

    I discovered that I deeply value my physical and mental health, kindness, authentic connection with myself and others, and efficiency.

    It felt like I was rediscovering my identity. I simply allowed myself to embrace my authenticity and it felt amazing.

    4. Understand your needs and boundaries.

    Identifying my values led me to recognize what my needs are.

    Since I value my physical and mental health, taking care of my mind and body has become my number one need. I’ve come to learn that my mind and body are very sensitive, so I need to nurture them in order to maintain a healthy level of comfort.

    With that understanding, I essentially created a boundary for myself. I made sure I did my best to honor that need in most situations. Whether it meant missing a night out with friends to catch up on good sleep, avoiding pushing myself too hard at the gym, or taking a moment for myself to release any built up emotions.

    Once my needs were established, I had a better idea of what my boundaries are in work, in relationships, and with myself. Ultimately, it created an awareness of when my sense of identity was being challenged or reinforced.

    5. Avoid relying on external validation.

    This one takes practice and is where a lot of the steps I just listed get put to the test.

    We have such quick, easy access to external validation nowadays (Facebook, Instagram, anything with a “like” button). We often become confused on where the most important source of validation should come from.

    Lately, I’ve been making an effort to become conscious of when I get caught up in the desire for someone’s approval. I see it as an opportunity to check in with the status of my self-love. If I’m happy with who I am and am confident behind my decisions, I remind myself that I don’t need someone else’s approval.

    It’s a very empowering process.

    There are times, however, when I struggle with it, which is okay because it’s part of the human experience. I just try to be understanding and explore those insecurities.

    6. Recognize where the pain is coming from.

    This is one of the hardest steps. Take it slow. Be gentle. Start by being honest with yourself to see if you notice a behavior pattern that comes off in an unhealthy way (such as relying heavily on external validation). Try to identify the deeper reasons behind it and explore them.

    Once I understood that the way I was viewing my love interests was not healthy, I eventually realized it stemmed from a deep pain of neglect from my parents. From there, I began the process of breaking this pattern.

    Intense emotions will come up, but if you welcome them with open, loving arms (aka self-compassion!) you can ease into this process with a sense of safety.

    You might need help from another source such as a self-help book, therapist, or friend to identify the unhealthy habits.

    —

    Building a stronger relationship with yourself is an incredibly fulfilling and liberating process. It takes time, patience, and understanding. Try to go into it with an excitement and curiosity rather than an expectation.

    I’ve come to find that when you have a better sense of your identity, you become empowered. When you become empowered, you gain self-esteem. When you gain self-esteem, you are more driven to take better care of yourself. One thing always leads to another. 

    Most importantly, however, love and support from myself creates a happier me.

    Closeup of smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Live a Balanced, Happy Life with Fewer Regrets

    4 Tips to Live a Balanced, Happy Life with Fewer Regrets

    Life Balance

    “Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.” ~Thomas Merton

    Balance has become an ever-elusive thing these days. The onslaught of technological breakthroughs, aimed at making life easier, has given way to a societal expectation that we are available around the clock.

    This has bled into our careers, where our employers have ever increasing expectations that we can do more in less time. We have 168 hours in our week to sleep, work, rest, be with our loved ones, and pursue personal interests.

    Unfortunately, the majority of people in the world today complain that they aren’t able to keep up with the competing commitments that steal much of their precious time.

    It’s no longer enough to contemplate how this happened and talk about the “good ole days” when life was easier and the days were longer.

    We need to identify what balance looks like for us (as it differs from person to person), work on regaining some of our time, and find more balance so we can truly show up and be present in all the different areas of our lives.

    My wake-up call about my imbalanced life came when I lost my best friend to suicide a few years ago.

    When you experience a sudden loss of this magnitude, you most certainly find yourself in a place of deep contemplation and restructuring. I recognized my own mortality in a way I hadn’t before.

    As a result, I had to do some housekeeping in order to get my life “up to snuff,” so I took an honest and meaningful inventory of all the different parts of my life.

    I looked at the people I was spending my time with, the activities I engaged in, and the places I dwelled. I asked myself if these people, activities, and places were feeding my soul, supporting my journey, and providing love and support.

    It was through this inventory I realized how out of balance my life was. It’s also how I came up with the action plan I am sharing with you now

    1. Start with a values inventory.

    You want to sit down, grab a pen and a piece of paper, and list all of the values that are important to you. You’ll also want to put them in order of importance.

    Some of my top life values include happiness, love, fellowship, integrity, and spirituality. It’s important to note that your top values are defined only by you and carry their own power and placement in your life.

    For example, I define spirituality as my connection to, and relationship with, the source of all things. I honor that value through daily meditation, prayer, and my efforts to make the world a better place through my work and my charity fund. I also honor that value by ensuring I live a life full of generosity, gratitude, respect, and compassion.

    2. Look at your life domains and identify the imbalances present in each area.

    When I speak about life domains, I’m talking about self, career, relationships, and community.

    Self: This domain includes you, your time, your interests, and your self-care.

    Career: This domain speaks to your current job and your employer.

    Relationships: This domain speaks to your loved ones, both friends and family.

    Community: This domain speaks to your participation in your local community (volunteer work, belonging to a religious or spiritual institution, coaching your child’s little league team, etc.)

    Again, you want to grab a pen and a piece of paper. For each of your four life domains, identify what the ideal balance would be. Be detailed in your description of each life domain.

    For example, in the relationships domain, identify those people you would want to see on a regular basis. What frequency would you like to see them and under what circumstances? What would you need to do in order to make that happen?

    You should also weave in your top values to better understand how they should support your efforts in each life domain.

    For example, I would talk about the importance of my value around love and how it plays out in the relationship domain. I would write about my choice to surround myself only with kind, loving people who support me and I support in return.

    The goal here is to create an ideal vision of balance in each domain.

    3. Write about the current status of each life domain.

    If your life domains are imbalanced, write down the details surrounding the imbalances and what you’ll need to do to get them in alignment.

    For example, if your career domain is imbalanced because you’re working too many hours for a demanding supervisor, think about the steps you’ll need to take to regain your balance.

    Maybe it’s talking to your boss about getting you some help or working fewer hours. If your work environment isn’t conducive with this type of dialogue, maybe looking for a better job is a consideration.

    If some of your life domains are in balance, write about the steps you are committing to in order to prevent them from being compromised. It’s important to be clear on your approach to living, and maintaining, a balanced life.

    4. Begin implementing the changes you want to see in a realistic and bite size manner.

    You want to focus on one domain at a time, and tackle one change at time. Pick a domain and implement your first change.

    Once you have grown comfortable with this change and it is now part of your “new normal,” you can move on to the next change.

    When you have implemented all of the changes in your first domain, and reached the balance you desire, you can move to the next domain. I would suggest starting with the easiest changes first.

    Start to build momentum with the changes that will help you create more balance right away. Maybe that’s turning off your work computer at 8:00 every night so you can be with your family, eating healthier, or committing to visiting your parents every Sunday morning.

    These are small changes that can have a big impact on your life!

    —

    At the end of the day, this is all about you living a regret-free existence. Later in life, you don’t want to look back and feel regret for neglecting certain parts of your life (children, health, career aspirations, etc.) because you didn’t take the steps necessary to make things better.

    Balance isn’t easy to achieve, but it is well worth the effort. Make a commitment to find your balance today!

    Life balance image via Shutterstock

  • Live by Your Values and Everything Else Will Fall into Place

    Live by Your Values and Everything Else Will Fall into Place

    Smiling Woman

    “Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you have.” ~Doris Mortman

    As I sit here writing this, I am still in the middle of a huge shift in my life, a shift that has seen me move from living by other people’s values and expectations to identifying and living by my own.

    The catalyst for change was a health scare when, on my thirtieth birthday, my doctor told me that I may have cervical cancer. Luckily, I got the all clear, but something had shifted and I realized how dissatisfied with my life I was. I felt like I was swimming against the tide; everything was a struggle.

    At the time I was well on my way to achieving what I wanted: money, a high-status job, and the ability to buy lots of stuff.

    I owned my own house and a car and I was out of the house twelve to thirteen hours a day working. For me, that was success. However, my ambition just seemed to disappear overnight and I went into freefall.

    I felt exhausted, I was ill all the time, drinking and eating too much, and it was all I could do to drag myself out of bed in the morning to go to work. (I was doing a daily four-hour commute.) To quote Julie Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love, “You know what I felt this morning? Nothing. No passion, no spark, no faith, no heat, no nothing!”

    I didn’t realize it at the time, but as soon as I started to question my life, I subconsciously communicated to the universe that I wanted—needed—to change things.

    I started taking on freelance work to see if I could reignite my passion for my career. I found that people wanted my services, which increased my confidence and made me realize just how low I felt after working for years in a macho and competitive environment that was never going to nourish me.

    I suddenly thought, I can earn money as a freelancer, I should start my own business. I decided to keep going at my current job for another six months and build the business in what little spare time I had.

    An hour after making that decision, I had yet another confrontational email from a colleague based on a lie told by another. I resigned that day. I already felt lighter.

    I went into business for myself and I hated it. Now I know that it was because I wasn’t ready, plus I went into business as a marketing consultant, which I wasn’t passionate about.

    Working on my own at home didn’t suit me, and the income instability meant I hit rock bottom. There were panic attacks, more illness, and I am certain I was fast heading to the stage where I would be needing antidepressants.

    As I hit rock bottom, I had an epiphany and realized that two of the main things I need in life are:

    1. Human interaction on an almost daily basis

    2. A certain level of security—that’s why I was so keen to buy a house, when most twenty-five-year-olds are renting and moving around. I am a homebody to my core.

    If a base level of security and being alone all the time are my life ‘deal breakers,’ then why had I been trying to build a life that didn’t incorporate them? I needed to get in touch with my real values.

    I began reading books and articles, anything I could get my hands on, about personal values and how to identify them.

    I identified the values I had been living by for the past thirty years, the values that had been the basis of every major life decision I had ever made. I have listed the top ten below:

    Status achieved through career

    • Money and wealth
    • Advancement — This is great for me if advancement is personal or spiritual, but in this case it was centered on career and money.
    • Affluence
    • Ambition
    • Recognition
    • Leadership
    • Materialism
    • Perfection
    • Achievement — I still want to achieve and I still have goals, but it’s different when it is a goal you have set based on your core values.

    The values that I had been living by were not mine but a close family member’s. They are not bad values, but they are not my values; they are not the things that are most important to me and how I live my life.

    So who was I? What were my values? I had no idea.

    At this point I had been trying to carry on with my business to earn money to pay the bills while ‘finding myself’ and interviewing for jobs. I got the first role I applied for as the marketing manager for a lifestyle business and a much more suitable environment for me as a person. It has allowed me to carry on with my voyage of self-discovery.

    My ten core values, the values that I now live by, are:

    • Security
    • Positive/fulfilling relationships with friends and family
    • Contentment — I love the simple things; they make me feel at my most content.
    • Peace — I can’t handle confrontation, drama, loud environments, or unnecessary competition; that’s why my previous job in a busy and noisy city for a company with a loud and competitive environment didn’t suit me.
    • Fun  — Since I started living by my values, life has become so much more fun.
    • Laughter — I love a good laugh; my friends, family, a lighter outlook on life, and the odd funny film or stand-up comedy routine provide this for me.
    • Loyalty — I am loyal to my family, friends, colleagues, and community.
    • Financial freedom — This doesn’t mean earning lots of money to me, but actually keeping life simple and living within my means.
    • Passion — Since writing this article I have moved forward and decided that my true passion lies in writing, so I have recently set up as a freelance copywriter and blogger. This will mean a lot of changes and new challenges, but I am very excited about the future.
    • Simplicity — This for me goes hand in hand with most of the other nine values; a simple life suits me.

    So what wisdom can I pass on after my journey?

    1. Your core values play a huge part in how you decide to live your life.

    If you are unhappy with parts of your life—if you are suffering from stress, illnesses, and feel generally uneasy in the living of everyday life—then it might be time to go inside yourself and answer honestly the questions “What is important to me?” and “How do I want to live my life?”

    You need to spend time identifying your values; it’s well worth the effort.

    2. Don’t live by someone else’s values.

    This makes life hard because you are never being true to yourself. It is so easy to do this because so many people, parents, family members, and teachers have a say in how we should be living our lives, and this can mean that we develop their values and not our own.

    3. Once you start living by your values, life shifts in the most beautiful of ways.

    You don’t hold on to the things that no longer serve you because you have everything you need within yourself. For example, I realized that although I was a good marketing manager, it wasn’t my passion.

    I’ve taken the leap and decided to try writing full time. This may mean many more life changes and it’s scary, but I need to follow my heart.

    Photo by Elade Manu

  • Reclaim Your Power: Stop Waiting for Other People to Make You Happy

    Reclaim Your Power: Stop Waiting for Other People to Make You Happy

    Happy and Free

    “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” ~Maya Angelou

    My knees hit the pavement, unable to hold me up as I watched my entire life purpose drive away.

    I had put my entire heart and soul into that relationship. I had sacrificed everything—my family, my friends, my career, my hobbies. And now I had nothing. What had gone wrong?

    I lay there for a while, quite convinced that the pain and unhappiness was going to be the end of me. I wallowed in the misery of it all.

    Then something touched my face. I brushed it away and opened my eyes.

    A breeze had shaken loose dozens of leaves from the autumn tree above me. Scarlet and gold and sunset orange leaves were drifting down to me. Beyond them was the periwinkle blue sky with gigantic fluffy white clouds floating about.

    I stared at the beauty around me. I had spent so long looking inward, criticizing myself, working to become better, to become enough for a person that had their own issues. And in doing so I had lost sight of just what a beautiful and amazing place the world could be.

    Putting my life on hold for others wasn’t getting me anywhere. I was miserable, I was broke, and I was alone. Enough was enough.

    Something was going to change, and in that moment I determined that what needed to change was me.

    I was no longer going to shut myself away from the world. I was no longer going to ignore all the good things that were out there. From now on I would live a life of open eyes, a life of appreciation, a life of simplicity, a life of happiness.

    In the following months I learned more about myself than I had in my entire lifetime, and in applying those lessons to my everyday life I became truly happy and deeply appreciative of the world around me. I also discovered the strength of the power within me.

    Here is what I have learned:

    No one will ever love you as much as you can love yourself.

    If all you want is to be loved, you need to understand that no one will ever fulfill that feeling as much as if you wholly and completely loved yourself. Many of us have grown up with movies like Jerry Maguire that promise a perfect person who will complete you.

    It may seem radical, but what if that person was you? What if you acted as your own true love? Choose love for yourself over the fear of being alone and realize your own power.

    No one is worth sacrificing your values for.

    We all sacrifice a certain part of ourselves for others, whether it’s deciding not to get a cat because your significant other is allergic, or getting up early every Saturday to drive your child to football practice. These sacrifices are a way of showing we care about another person’s happiness and well-being.

    But anyone who cares about your own happiness and well-being with never ever want you to sacrifice your values. Our values are what define us as human beings. To deny them is to deny our very essence. Stay true to them and to yourself.

    There is always something to be grateful for.

    Just as in my darkest moment I saw how truly beautiful this world could be, so can you find something to appreciate.

    Take time out every day to witness the wonders that exist not just around you but within you. From the way your body allows you to run and jump and dance and sing, to the sunshine and fresh fruit on a summer’s day.

    If you take the time to notice it, life is really very wonderful.

    Spending time alone doesn’t mean you have to be lonely or bored.

    When you spend time alone you learn more about yourself than you ever could in a crowded room.

    By being alone you can determine your own likes and needs without any external influences. You can discover passions you never knew existed, and when you don’t have to worry about what other people will think you are able to pursue them wholeheartedly.

    There is always something new waiting to be discovered. Seek it out and become your own best friend.

    When you say no, you open yourself up to more meaningful yeses.

    By being a people pleaser and saying yes to every opportunity that crossed your path, you may have thought you were doing yourself a favor—that people would appreciate you more. But without creating boundaries, you give people an opening to take advantage of your generous nature, and risk becoming burnt out and resentful.

    Instead, learn the power of no. Take time out for yourself so that when you do say yes, it’s sincere and meaningful.

    Change and grow a little each day.

    No matter how much you feel you’ve lost yourself, you can always instigate change and rediscover who you truly are. It’s okay to start small. Try a new hobby, go on a holiday, do something you’ve always wanted to try. Expand gradually. Learn a little more each day.

    By putting yourself first you can discover who you truly are and form an identity separate from any other person and unique to you.

    By forming a loving, happy, confident base to work with, you teach others to respect you as a person. When you become a whole and complete individual it doesn’t matter what storms appear in your horizon; you will have the strength to weather them.

    Photo by blob-fish

  • How to Fall Back in Love With Your Life

    How to Fall Back in Love With Your Life

    Pure Joy

    “If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    Ever found yourself in a rut, just waiting for some force of the Universe to pull you out?

    When ennui sets in, it can be hard to find a way back into the light, but it typically takes a series of events and choices for us to be living a life out of sync with our personal goals, values, and passions.

    Last year, I found myself in one of these ruts. After spinning my wheels for quite some time, I realized my so-called attempts at improving my circumstances were a farce—I was just exhausting my energy waiting for a savior to come to my rescue.

    Finally, when that savior never came, I snapped out of it and acknowledged I don’t live in some fantasy novel, and can’t invoke, by sheer will, a knight in shining armor. As Alice Sebold wrote in her memoir, Lucky, “You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”

    At the time, I was in a job I had long outgrown. A job that no longer provided challenge, growth, or even companionship. This alone had come to impact everything else in my life.

    Spending solitary day after solitary day was taking its toll, zapping my energy. By the end of the day, I no longer had anything left and didn’t want to do the things I normally enjoyed, like yoga or meeting with friends. I even struggled to regularly apply to new positions, disappointed and despairing with each rejection.

    Since I had just completed my masters program, I felt even more frustrated at my prospects. Had I just wasted three years of my life pursuing a degree that didn’t fit with my values or goals? Would I need to go to school all over again?

    Too many unanswered questions left me feeling hopeless and unmotivated.

    Then I met Hazel, a career coach I instantly connected with. It took me a few months, but I finally called her to schedule a session.

    Hazel helped me work through my self-limiting beliefs, determine my values—and value—and recognize that I could live authentically right now. I didn’t have to start from scratch.

    Here’s what I learned:

    1. Take the long way home.

    Sometimes it takes a literal change in perspective to change your mental perspective. During a week when my car was in the shop, I decided to walk home instead of catching the bus.

    It was raining outside, and the walk was at least seven miles, but I had nowhere to be. Some of the roads I took were roads I’d never taken before and some I’d driven many times. All of them were new to me that day.

    When I first moved to Denver, I walked everywhere, and everything was magical because it was new and special and offered up so much possibility. After being here for three years, the novelty had worn off and it was familiar—and the magic and possibility I felt at twenty-four seemed to have worn off with it.

    This walk brought me back the basics and opened my heart back up to the magic. I didn’t have to move to a new place, a place that would also inevitably become home and lose its magic if I let it. I just had to change my perspective.

    When we get bored or restless, we don’t necessarily have to move on. By taking the long way home, I fell back in love with my town, and by changing my physical perspective, I was able to see all of the possibilities that had been there all along.

    2. Move.

    I highly encourage movement to be a part of your daily life. Like anyone else, I can and will find excuses not to get outdoors or to yoga, but when I do, I feel recharged, centered, and empowered. Movement does this faster and better than anything else I’ve found.

    There’s a funny saying that if you stand on your head for a few minutes every day, you’ll change your perspective. I think this goes movement, too. When you shift your focus through movement, you start to see things a little differently, and the possibilities open up again.

    3. Surround yourself with the right people.

    There’s nothing wrong with relating to people or venting every now and again, but it’s also important to surround yourself with people and conversations that leverage enthusiasm, excitement, and satisfaction. Spend time with people who build you up, see and encourage your strengths, and who are, themselves, living authentically.

    Energy is contagious, and if you’re around positive energy and speaking with others in terms of positivity, you’ll begin to restructure your thinking, and, ultimately, the way you see and experience the world around you.

    4. Be present.

    I know, I know—this one’s been said before. But it can’t be said enough. One of the main reasons people feel dissatisfaction with their life is because they’re missing it.

    When we’re not present, we become a little numb.

    Taking in this very moment as it is, truly engaging—rather than living in your head, thinking about what comes next, or brooding (or pining) over what has past—can really heighten your appreciation and keep you from feeling that sense of emptiness that results from living somewhere other than the here and now.

    You may even be surprised by how easy it is to learn new things or remember pieces of information when you start to fully tune in.

    5. Identify your values.

    I had to identify human connection as one of my top values before I realized there was nothing wrong with me just because I couldn’t work in isolation. Once I recognized what was vital to my emotional well-being, I could pursue a life that ensured my values were a part of my daily world.

    What are your values? We often admire others and think we should be doing what they are doing to be successful and satisfied with our lives. In actuality, we probably admire them because they are living out their own truth. Authenticity is attractive, not quality X, Y or Z.

    Look within, not to others, to find your values; once you do, figure out how they can be put into action so you are living your most authentic life, and start taking steps, large or small, to make them your reality.

    6. Serve others.

    Ever notice how a little time in your head can help clarify things, while too much time just makes everything murkier? Get out of there, already!

    I hate to say it, but we (and I include myself in this statement) are a bit of a self-absorbed society. When we’re always thinking about me, myself and I, we become quickly dissatisfied. Maybe it’s too much time spent with unproductive thoughts or a lack of connectedness, but this self-absorption can quickly bring us down.

    The surest way to stop thinking about yourself is to start thinking about someone else. When you do something for someone else—out of love, compassion or connectedness—not obligation, you might find you’ve forgotten your troubles, and life actually feels fuller, more meaningful.

    I believe we are all connected and thus all have our own roles to play in which we contribute to the collective good. When we connect to that role, we simultaneously connect to our purpose and to each other, filling up that hollowness we can get when we’re not feeling so in love with our life.

    Falling back in love with your life requires a little determination and reflection, but mostly it’s about letting go and just tuning in—to your most authentic self and to the world and people around you.

    Photo by bellaleb-photo

  • 5 Questions to Discover Who You Are and What Will Make You Happy

    5 Questions to Discover Who You Are and What Will Make You Happy

    Who I Am

    “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

    At twenty-five I was happily married and had a great career, many friends, and lots of money. During that time I also became deeply depressed, was put on medication for anxiety, and entered what would be a very long relationship with psychotherapy.

    It was a real struggle for me to understand why I wasn’t happy when I had everything that I thought was important in life. Was I selfish? Were my expectations too high? I honestly couldn’t understand what was missing and how to fill this huge void that gnawed at me every day.

    When I look back at my life, twenty years later, I realize that I really had no idea who I was or what made me happy. I kept expecting something or someone to answer this question for me.

    The journey to find out who I was and what really mattered to me eventually involved divorce, the loss of my career and most of my possessions, and overcoming a serious illness.

    It pretty much took the loss of everything I thought defined me and made me happy to admit to myself that I honestly didn’t know myself very well at all.

    Who am I? What do I believe in? What is my purpose? What fills me with joy and wonder? These are questions that I am just beginning to understand after forty-five years of living my life, and I have to admit that getting there has been extremely difficult.

    The hardest part for me was just knowing where to begin. After much therapy, meditation, self-reflection, and reading, I asked myself five big questions that served as a launch pad to begin my journey of self-discovery.

    If you are ready to begin the process of truly understanding who you are meant to be, start here:

    1. What or who would you be if you knew you couldn’t fail?

    The risk of failure terrifies most people. How many times have you wanted to change jobs or careers, move to a new city, promote a cause that is important you, or become an expert in a certain area? Think about it. No risk of failure.

    If you were 100% certain that you could be or do anything you wanted and not fail, do you know the answer?

    2. What is your ninety-second personal elevator speech?

    Probably the most important and poorly answered question in most job interviews, this is similar in nature. You can certainly include your career or career accomplishments in your personal speech, but think of this from the perspective of how you might answer this if you were making a new friend or going on a first date with someone.

    How would you describe yourself so that the person asking the question would truly understand who you are and what is important to you?

    3. What are your core personal values?

    Personal values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live. They give you a reference for what is good, beneficial, important, useful, desirable, and constructive. Once you are able to determine exactly what values are most important to you, you can better determine your priorities.

    In fact, having this information about yourself is the key to making sure your daily life is aligned with those values. If you need help defining your personal values, there is a great five-minute assessment tool here.

    4. What makes you genuinely happy?

    This one is closely related to your core personal values. However, ask yourself this question once you’ve really nailed down what those values are.

    For example, if family is one of your core personal values, will taking a job that involves tons of travel make you happy? Take it a step further and really consider dreams you had when you were younger or currently have about what will make you truly happy.

    5. If money were no object, how would you live your life differently?

    Many people equate happiness and success directly to the amount of money they have. How many times have you heard someone say, “If I hit the lottery, I’d…”

    But remember, this question isn’t really about money at all. It’s more about thinking outside the limits we tend to put on our aspirations and actions because things seem out of our reach financially.

    You may not be able to do those exact things, but once you know what those true desires are, you expand your thinking and begin to develop a plan to work towards goals you may have never imagined possible.

    —

    These are tough questions and the answers may not come easily or quickly. In fact, I found myself having to think and re-think my answers several times. This work is hard but necessary in order to really understanding yourself on a deeper level.

    While I can’t say that I now know everything about myself, answering these questions completely changed the negative internal dialogue that was limiting my ability to see myself as I exist today and the me that I can become in the future.

    But the biggest change came from revisiting dreams and aspirations that I had long ago put on the back burner while I was stuck in the process of “getting things done.”

    My dreams of writing about things that are truly meaningful to me, finding a fulfilling and passionate relationship, being more present with my children, and discovering a higher power are all coming true now that I am focusing my energy in the right direction—and that direction was to look within.

    So, find a quiet place and allow yourself plenty of time to go through and really think about each question and then just go for it. Go ahead. Begin your journey. Change direction. Create new dreams or rediscover dreams you left behind. Now that I have started, I haven’t looked back since.

    Photo by varun suresh

  • When Happiness Feels Like a Struggle, No Matter What You Do

    When Happiness Feels Like a Struggle, No Matter What You Do

    Happy

    “There is no reason to reach high for the stars. They are already within you. Just reach deep into yourself.” ~Unknown

    I left a big job at a hedge fund in New York City nearly eight years ago. I was far from certain the job was to blame for my unhappiness at that time, but it was the biggest, boldest action I could take to make me feel like I was doing something to help my cause.

    I have spent the last eight years searching for happiness, not sure at all what it would feel like or where I would find it.

    So I mostly wandered. I moved from New York City to San Francisco to Seattle to Park City. I started a business, closed the business, took a job, quit the job. I ended an engagement, moved in with a boyfriend, and then moved out. I searched for happiness on beaches, in jungles, and in the forest.

    Open to all the help I could get during this rudderless time, I also compulsively collected Top 10 lists that offered surefire ways to achieve greater happiness. (The proliferation of these Top 10 lists has given me comfort that I am not alone in my search!)

    I can’t count the number of times I have put a small notepad on my nightstand to record three things I am grateful for before bedtime, or I have started exercising more (and more, and more).

    I would eat one list up and then move on to the next. And that’s the problem. My experience has been that quality-of-life improvements can be made with these lists as guides, but the improvement is typically fleeting—as was with each of my moves, new jobs, and new boyfriends.

    What to do? After years of trial and error (and some great teachers along the way), I have come to understand that it’s that question that gets us stuck to begin with.

    Most Top 10 lists for finding greater happiness are prescriptions for what to do, actions to take, and this is their limitation. It was also the greatest limitation to my own approach—my focus was on taking big, bold action.

    What I have learned about finding happiness is that first we have to stop doing. We have to start by focusing on who we are at our core, on our being; only then can we begin to figure out what we should be doing to fully realize this beautiful person, to let the stars that are already in us shine brightly.

    So, who am I at my core? Who are you? We are each made up of a unique collection of values, the combination of which make up our being.

    The top way to live a happy life: identify your values (who you are) and act (do) accordingly.

    How well do you know your personal value system?

    Often when we talk about values, words like honesty, integrity, kindness, and thoughtfulness come to mind.

    Most of us were taught to honor these values early in life (it’s as if we were all in the same kindergarten class), and then most teachers, parents included, stopped talking about the v-word.

    In the West, ambitions and goals typically receive much more emphasis than values as young people grow and gain responsibilities.

    But your value system is like your fingerprint, full of life and wholly unique to you. (That’s what makes it so hard for any list of Top 10 lists to speak to us all.)

    My value system, for example, is made up of roughly twenty principles that combine to make me the one-of-a-kind person I am.

    My values include courage, beauty, curiosity, creativity, adventure, presence, and generosity, to name a few. When I’m in a funk and can’t figure out why, it is likely because I am not feeding one (or more) of these values.

    For example, when I’m out of touch with beauty because I’m spending so much time in front of my computer, my to-dos might include taking a walk in nature. When I feel life’s become too routine and scheduled, I might make an adventure date with myself and go rock climbing.

    Inevitably, when something’s not quite right, I can identify a value that needs more love—pronto!—and create an action item from that deep source of wisdom.

    Now it’s your turn. What values make you uniquely you? If you have not spent much time getting to know yourself in this way yet, here are a few suggestions:

    • Peruse a lengthy list of values and circle those that hit home
    • Think of your role models and consider what it is about them you admire most
    • Reflect on the values you want to pass on to your children

    Once you have your list of values, start by identifying a few that you’ve fallen out of touch with, values that for one reason or another aren’t getting visibility in your daily life. With those values as your guide, create a list of to-dos that will allow you to connect with each value more fully.

    Add on from there. (Why wait until a value is not getting visibility?)

    The more you can connect your actions to your values, the more happiness awaits you. Ultimately, you will be connecting with the beautiful being that is you and that connection is what happiness is all about.

    Photo here

  • Determine What Will Make You Happy by Identifying Your Values

    Determine What Will Make You Happy by Identifying Your Values

    Happy

    “Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.” ~Ayn Rand

    For too many years, I played the part of the perfect little southern girl: I kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. I dressed properly, including panty hose, slips, and girdles. I didn’t laugh too loudly in public. I did what I was told.

    You see, I learned at an early age that I had to do this in order to always be seen as a “good little girl” (and avoid getting punished). I continued the same behavior after I got married, doing what my husband expected of me and keeping up the appearances of a perfect life behind a white picket fence.

    I was a mental and emotional chameleon, changing my viewpoints and values to match first those of my parents and then those of my husband. Secretly, inside myself, I had my own dreams and opinions, ideas, and desires. Eventually I realized that in order to be happy, I needed to learn to live outside the box of my upbringing.

    When I began to explore my heart’s desires, to find myself through travel, and to see what felt right and wrong to my heart and soul, my life blossomed. I had finally begun creating a life that I loved on my own terms.  

    Last fall, one of my mentors asked me, “What are your values?” I have to confess that I was stumped. Those on-the-surface questions are really much deeper than they first seem. I’m a coach. I’m a writer. I’m a thinker. It should be easy to answer.

    From experience, I knew that if my first response to a question was “I don’t know,” then I was telling myself a little white lie. Somewhere within my heart was the answer, but I hadn’t really explored it.

    What Are Values?

    We all have them—they are as ingrained within us as our blood types or preference for sweet or salty foods. But have you actually defined them? I’m not talking about morals, which are defined by society.

    Values are who you are, not who you think you should be in order to fit in.  (more…)

  • 10 Ways to Be Who You Really Are

    10 Ways to Be Who You Really Are

    Girl Hiding Face

    “It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E Cummings

    I was a pretty shy and very quiet kid, so going to school for the first time in kindergarten was a terrifying experience for me.

    After a short time, though, life brightened for me in my little elementary school. As it turned out, I loved learning and was a natural student. It was my bliss and often a respite from tumultuous home circumstances, the first place that I spoke out loud with confidence.

    Unfortunately, in the urban neighborhood where I lived, being smart meant being very low on the social hierarchy.

    For years I was oblivious to this, but as I moved in to pre-adolescence, I became acutely aware of how my peers viewed me and felt increasingly embarrassed about standing out as a stellar student.

    In one particularly memorable experience, I left the stage of a successful debate speech humiliated because I spied several of my peers mocking me in the audience during my delivery. This was a turning point.

    Because of an intense desire to win the approval of my peers, I began to actively make decisions to fit in rather than finding my joy by expressing who I really was. Although uncanny to me now, at times, I even would intentionally give the wrong answers on exams to bring my scores down.

    An occasional wrong answer didn’t change who I really was, but each decision I made to choose the approval of others, buried my true self deeper.

    The momentary gratification of being liked or winning approval could have had profound consequences. It certainly left me feeling empty.

    Every time we make small decisions to fit in, whether as a child or as an adult, we are burying a little part of ourselves down deep. This is really serious business, this denying of who we are.

    Make it a habit, and you risk becoming confused about who you really are. Just search online for books on topics like finding your true passion or how to get back to your true self to get a sense of the energy it takes to find pieces that are lost.

    In high school, I made a dramatic internal shift. Because of a newfound faith, I started to think about my future and felt that I had a responsibility to begin living my life in a way that reflected who I really was.

    This, rather than the approval of others became a driving force for me. Small decision by small decision, I began to act with the courage to be me. (more…)

  • When Your Dreams Change: Let Your Values Guide You

    When Your Dreams Change: Let Your Values Guide You

    “It is not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.” ~Roy Disney

    It has been four months now since I made the hardest decision of my life.

    In the fourth grade, I made a pledge to work as much I had to until I became successful and moved the heck out of Ohio!

    That commitment led me to graduate as valedictorian in high school and summa cum laude in college. However, it also resulted in missed recess (to do homework), missed parties (to research), and missed relationships (to study). Of course, I am not upset, for my accomplishments make me proud, but I do regret some of the things they’ve cost me.

    At the end of this 14-year journey, my dreams came to fruition: I was offered the job I had worked my entire life to get, in the perfect location!

    That’s right—the best private school in Florida offered me a job as Physical Education teacher living just minutes away from the gulf, in a city known for its sunshine, St. Petersburg.

    I should have chomped at the bit! Jumped up and down! Ran circles around the house! But I didn’t…

    Something was wrong. How could arriving at the destination I had worked so diligently to reach not bring me all of the happiness I had lost in the journey to get there? How could reaching my life’s goal not bring me to tears—not make my heart sing?

    It took a while but I finally figured it out: It’s because I’m not the same person who chose my path in the beginning. I have changed.

    At one point between now and the fourth grade, I evolved. My life understanding grew and adapted, but my tunnel vision on a preset goal kept me from realizing it.

    It’s good to have ambition, but can too much be harmful?

    Still, what’s to think about right? (more…)