Tiny Buddha

Tag: unknown

  • Why Uncertainty Isn’t So Bad and How to Embrace It

    Why Uncertainty Isn’t So Bad and How to Embrace It

    Uncertainty

    “Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.” ~Mandy Hale

    Sitting in the auditorium during orientation, I listened to various deans, distinguished alumni, and student leaders drone on about the rigors of earning a law degree.

    There were obligatory mentions of not everyone making it to graduation (or even the end of the first week) and of the intense strain on personal relationships.

    But the message I remembered most clearly was about uncertainty.

    “You better get comfortable with gray areas. And fast. Because the legal field is not a place where black and white distinctions often exist. If you’re a person who thrives on certainty and absolutes, you will be an extremely frustrated attorney.”

    Being a comparative religion and psychology double major, I dealt with ambiguity and the unknown a fair amount. But I wouldn’t say I was comfortable with them.

    I mean, is anyone really comfortable with uncertainty?

    And with that superficial examination of my tolerance for uncertainty, I trudged onward to lawyerhood.

    Unfortunately, I was decidedly uncomfortable with uncertainty.

    Although I always wanted to become an attorney, it was a relatively uninformed desire. But it gave me a goal to work toward—a path to freedom and financial independence beyond high school and college.

    Or so I thought.

    I dreaded going to class. I even contemplated dropping out. A lot.

    I worried that I’d lost my academic edge.

    For the first time in my life, I didn’t always have the answers when questioned by professors. I wasn’t engaged by the subject matter either. So I procrastinated, which made everything worse.

    Looking back, it’s clear I was in denial.

    I couldn’t even entertain the idea that law school wasn’t for me, let alone accept that I may be better suited to a different career. You know, admit that I had made a hugely expensive mistake, cut my losses and start over from scratch.

    So I did what any self-respecting high-achiever would do: I threw myself into my studies and made damn sure I landed a job after graduation.

    In other words, I did whatever I could to avoid the appearance of failure.

    Which meant I was a complete and utter control freak. And by control freak, I mean high-strung hypercritical crabby pants.

    (I’m sure I was an absolute delight to behold.)

    It seems crazy to me now that it took three agonizing years of law school, seven miserable years as an attorney, a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, and a two-year battle with infertility to get me to realize that uncertainty is the only true certainty in life.

    Did I really need all that time and heartache to accept this universal truth?

    Apparently, I did. The religion scholar in me shakes her head.

    And even though I was finally able to acknowledge the omnipresence of uncertainty, I wasn’t immediately able to embrace it.

    It took a lot of yoga, meditation, acupuncture, psychiatry, and life coaching for me to see that I hadn’t ever escaped the discomfort of uncertainty. Despite my best efforts.

    I busted my butt in law school and landed a job offer before graduation, which was rescinded when the organization lost funding for my position.

    I planned out future pregnancies assuming I was a fertile myrtle like all the other women in my family, who didn’t have the rare birth defects I had.

    I slogged through my legal career thinking after “paying my dues” and earning six figures I’d finally enjoy my profession, only to feel more and more hopeless every day.

    And those are just some ways uncertainty bested me over the last decade.

    But thanks to the luxury of hindsight, I grew to embrace the inevitability of uncertainty, and the fruitlessness of trying to elude it.

    Yes, I had the rug pulled out from under me when my first job offer fell through. But I found a higher paying job within weeks of graduation, where I met my mentor and some of my dearest friends.

    Yes, I endured the agony of infertility for two years. But after corrective surgeries (that also improved my overall health), I became pregnant with a baby girl who has brought exponentially more sleep-deprivation joy into my life than all the despair caused by those years of infertility.

    And, yes, my childhood “dream” of becoming an attorney turned out to be a nightmare. But like a bad dream, I finally woke up and realized it wasn’t my future.

    Although my current career didn’t exist when I was a kid, I have a feeling that even if it did I wouldn’t have found it by following a structured path.

    Because uncertainty is not only inevitable, it’s necessary.

    If we really were able to control every outcome in our lives, we’d most likely never experience failure. Or be forced outside our comfort zone. Or discover something previously unknown to us (or the world!) by way of happy accidents.

    We’d never truly grow.

    So now when I feel the urge to control all the things, I do what sounds incredibly simple to most, but has always been difficult for me.

    I breathe.

    I realize “breathing” isn’t what most people want to hear. But learning to slow down and focus on my breath has been life changing.

    Plus, it’s science.

    I catch myself holding my breath all the time. When I feel the need to check in with my breath, odds are it’s because my body is tense from oxygen deficit.

    Our brains need oxygen to think clearly. And without sufficient oxygen, the brain goes into fight-or-flight mode. All too often my battlefield is the supermarket or a blog post—situations in which breath is preferable to adrenaline.

    And while I am an advocate for mindful breathing in times of uncertainty, I’m not saying it’s a cure-all for everyone in every situation. But you know what is?

    Again, it’s science. Studies show that regularly expressing gratitude increases feelings of happiness and well-being.

    I admit I was skeptical when I first learned about gratitude practice as a way to boost happiness. Especially since it advocates keeping a gratitude journal.

    I am such a resistant journaler. Which is strange because I’ve gained some incredible insights into my psyche through journaling. (Okay, maybe it’s not so much strange, as it is the very reason I resist journaling. Note to self: Work through fear of journaling…through journaling.)

    Luckily, keeping a gratitude journal is nothing like the feelings poured onto page upon page that I imagined. At least, it doesn’t have to be.

    My only rule is that I need to write down at least five things for which I’m grateful each day. Some days it takes me ten seconds, others it’s more like ten minutes.

    But that’s the point.

    Those days when feeling thankful isn’t easy are the days you need gratitude the most.

    Someday you’ll probably be grateful for the struggle you’re in right now. But until then, maintaining a gratitude practice will ease the discomfort uncertainty brings.

    Even if it does involve a journal.

    I sometimes wonder how my life would be different today if someone at my law school orientation had outlined some practical ways of coping with uncertainty—like basic mindfulness—instead of characterizing an aversion to uncertainty as a personality flaw.

    Maybe I would have embraced the certainty of uncertainty sooner, possibly avoiding countless hours of heartache and anxiety. Perhaps I would’ve had the guts to drop out of law school and avoid a mountain of debt.

    Or maybe everything would have unfolded in exactly the same way.

    And you know what?

    I’m okay with that.

    Man walking image via Shutterstock

  • Worrying About the Future: On Trusting in Uncertainty

    Worrying About the Future: On Trusting in Uncertainty

    “Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    The other day my good friend from back home called me hysterically crying. She felt certain she just blew a second job interview, and she’d hit a breaking point.

    She’d been struggling for months, just barely paying her bills and wondering if she could afford to keep her apartment.

    Every purchase had become an exercise in extreme deliberation. In fact, I’m fairly certain that when I visited last, I saw her stressing in the grocery store about whether she really needed that box of Twinkies that beckoned from the shelf.

    Now here she was, hyperventilating, recounting in explicit detail all the things she’d done wrong in this interview.

    The interviewer looked disgusted, she said—he was probably thinking she was incompetent. He asked her questions in an abrupt way—he was trying to trip her up. He didn’t respond when she made conversation on the way to the door—he most likely hated her and couldn’t wait to get rid of her.

    Having gone through countless interviews with multiple companies, after sending out dozens of resumes, she was just plain exhausted and starting to feel desperate.

    As she recalled the anxiety she felt in this encounter, I visualized her sitting vulnerably in front of his desk, and my heart went out to her. I imagined she felt a lot like Tom Smykowski from Office Space when he was interviewing with the efficiency experts to save his job—before he invented the Jump-to-Conclusions mat.

    “I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don’t have to! I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can’t you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people!?” (more…)

  • Accepting Uncertainty: We Can Be Happy Without All the Answers

    Accepting Uncertainty: We Can Be Happy Without All the Answers

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    I’ve recently begun to feel as though I am at a crossroads in my career and, as a result, have been feeling very uncomfortable.

    I love what I do, working with clients and mentoring new therapists; however, I’m also a mom to two little ones and am feeling the ache of the impermanence of their childhood. This has left me wanting to spend more time at home with them and, therefore, possibly working less.

    If you would have asked me when I was twenty-five years old, I knew with absolute certainty that I would never want to be a stay-at-home mom.

    In fact, most of my life has been colored by a laser-sharp determination and an absolute knowing of what my next step was going to be. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and a lot of a control freak!

    Today, I’m sitting in a much different place; today, I’m sitting in uncertainty. I don’t know what the next step will be for me.

    There are so many unknowns at this point: do I want to work or do I want to stay home, what other options do I have, where can my practice grow from here, where can I grow from here, and so on. My automatic response to this uncertainty is to obsess endlessly until I figure it out.

    However, what I’ve come to realize is that all of my ideas of “knowing” actually block me from the truth more than they reveal it.

    Uncertainty makes us feel vulnerable and so we try and escape it any way that we can.

    We convince ourselves that we are fortune tellers and can therefore see the future. We make ourselves crazy, spinning our minds through the same handful of scenarios we come up with, over and over again, never feeling any closer to some sort of resolution.

    However, it seems a great paradox of life that it is actually through embracing the uncertainty that we thrive. Our lives are greatly determined by what we do when we get uncertain.

    Without uncertainty, we might never grow because we would never be pushed beyond our comfort zones.

    Many of us have experienced staying in a soul-sucking job or an unhealthy relationship because the uncertainty of leaving those situations created more anxiety than the certainty of staying in those unhappy situations.

    Many people do not end up following their true passions because it is seemingly impractical, or because there is a large degree of perceived uncertainty associated with following that path.

    There are no guarantees when we step into the unknown. But it is in these periods of discomfort that life’s most important adventures can arise.

    Making peace with uncertainty requires courage, faith, and trust that you will in fact be taken care of, that no matter what happens, you’ll find a way through it, that you don’t have to have all of the answers today.

    Contrary to popular ideas, not knowing exactly what will happen next in our lives is okay. In fact, it is actually liberating.

    The ability to let go, not know, and not try to totally control what will happen next is a necessary skill for living happy, joyous, and free.

    Most spiritual practices ask us to consider the possibility that there is a power greater than ourselves at work and, therefore, it is okay to let go of the reins sometimes.

    I have found it easier to let go in many circumstances when I’m able to recognize that I’m not the only force at play, that there are circumstances far beyond my control that are impacting life and what the future holds.

    If we fixate on “solving” problems, we tend to get tunnel-visioned and we walk around with blinders on, failing to see the possibilities.

    We can’t embrace a new uncertain future when we are fully attached to our old lives or an idea of how we think something should be.

    I have found that when I am in that anxious, fearful state, where I’m trying figure it all out on my own, that noise in my head that is trying to control everything will often drown out my intuition.

    When we accept that things are unknown, that we don’t have all of the answers, we can see that teachings are always available if we are paying attention. When we trust, let go, and embrace the uncertainty, that noise in our own minds subsides.

    Ironically, the quietness created by letting go of the need to know then allows contact with our own intuition, and we actually get clearer direction from within our own hearts and we can feel more certain about this direction.   

    I’ve heard it said that the furthest distance in the universe is from the head to the heart, but it is in stillness that we find this path. It is in the quiet space that we can get out of our heads and connect more deeply with ourselves, thereby allowing ourselves to be open to the possibilities when they arrive.

    I have found meditation to be an incredibly useful tool to facilitate this connection. Carving out time in my day specifically for getting quiet and getting still has allowed me to find some peace with the fact that, for today, I don’t have all the answers of what’s going to happen next.

    I’m able to set mindful intentions for myself to remain present and aware throughout my day, within the context that I am proceeding onto a new path in my life. With fearful dialogue in my head quieted, this skill is enhanced and I am open to new possibilities.

    I will continue learning to listen to my heart, which let’s me know that I am okay even though I don’t have all of the answers.

    And you are too.

  • Dance Through the Storm of Uncertainty: 5 Tips for Grace and Peace

    Dance Through the Storm of Uncertainty: 5 Tips for Grace and Peace

    Dancing in the Rain

    “Make the best use of what is in your power and take the rest as it happens.” ~Epictetus

    I am in an unfamiliar place and I find myself waiting. It is not clear who or what I am waiting for.  I then hear a gentle tapping at the door. I approach the door, but stand before it in silence.

    My pulse quickens as I wait. I make no attempt to answer the knock until a voice whispers, “It is me.”  This is when I open the door. 

    I awoke from this dream feeling a bit unsettled. I couldn’t remember the exact quality of the voice. Whether it was male or female remains a mystery. But I did recognize this dream as a metaphor for all that was happening in this particular period of my life.

    I was faced with a life-altering decision—something I had emphatically said “no” to at an earlier time.  My best childhood friend had offered to be a gestational surrogate for my husband and me after multiple miscarriages and two pre-term birth losses, but I wouldn’t even consider it.

    That is not the way nature intended it, was my initial thought. A child should be created out of love, I had said in response to her offer.

    In time, my perspective began to shift and I recognized that this was truly an act of love. A trusted friend was willing to help me in bringing a desired child into the world. Why would I not accept this beautiful gift? 

    It was easier for my husband to come to this decision than it was for me. I had to replace a long-held dream—the natural childbirth experience I had once imagined.

    This would also be the ultimate lesson in letting go. So much would be beyond my control.

    After months of introspection, research, guidance, and prayer, it then felt right to walk through this new door that had opened up to us.

    Saying yes to this process was creating an opportunity for new life. It was an opening to another experience that the hand of life was extending in my direction.

    Still, there was much uncertainty in daring to venture onto this new path of assisted reproduction. The series of legal and medical steps seemed enormous before we actually experienced them. But each step leading up to the actual procedure went better than expected.

    Now after two unsuccessful outcomes, I have had to again re-adjust to a different reality than the one I had come to embrace. It has been a process—releasing what should have been in order to accept what is.

    “The odds are in your favor,” the doctor had originally said. I knew there were no guarantees, but I hadn’t truly considered this daunting possibility. Why then was I led down this road of uncertainty? 

    I have come to see that at times there is no definite answer to the question “why?” Life is not a straight, newly paved highway where we can clearly see in the distance. Even when we intuitively get a glimpse of what’s ahead, we still have to deal with how best to get to where we hope to be.

    Instead, life appears to be more of a dance with its twists and turns. There is a rhythm and flow to each step, even though we may not yet be comfortable with all the transitions. Each movement leads to a fuller expression of our greatest potential. 

    How do we best learn this dance? Experience is the greatest teacher I know. Still, we need guidance. Life is not a solo act.

    Here are five guiding principles to assist you in your dance with uncertainty:

    1. Practice integrity, intention, and purpose.

    That is the basic choreography. It requires that you pay close attention to your beliefs, thoughts, words, choices, and actions. What lends purpose and meaning to your life? Natural talent matters, but practice is what develops skill.

    Integrity: Be honest in all aspects of your life. Seek to know who you are and who you ultimately want to be.

    Intention: Be clear about what you most desire and take steps in the direction of your dreams.

    Purpose: Know why you want this new reality. Does it add meaning to your life?

    2. Be flexible. 

    See every challenging step as an occasion to stretch. Stand tall as you grow in resilience. Breathe deeply and rise to the occasion when presented with new choreography.

    3. Know when to “freestyle.”

    Freestyle is improvisational dance. We are creative beings and while there are necessary steps to be taken, there is still plenty of room for spontaneity and artistic expression.

    Take risks and embrace your unique style. You might step on a few toes, but always remain true to what is essential in you.

    4. Trust your partner.

    Whether you practice a traditional religion or view spirituality in universal terms, trust life to lead the way. Unleash your greatest effort and then relax into the arms of grace.

    Know that there is divine order to this dance we call life. Whatever is meant to happen, will. Whatever is meant to be, will be. Do what is within your power and surrender the rest.

    5. Enjoy the dance.

    Life is meant to be fun. Lighten up and release the need to get it right the first time. Perfection is subjective and trophies collect dust. Laugh at yourself and keep moving. It will all come together. At times, better than you expected.

    Photo by Angela Gonzalez

  • How to Find Peace When You Feel Scared About What Might Happen

    How to Find Peace When You Feel Scared About What Might Happen

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    I was in shock for about ten minutes after hearing the news, afraid while lying on the procedure table, and relieved when it was over.

    Six months ago I had a mammogram. My checkup was supposed to be for a general mammogram—the one you get when you turn forty—but when I got there and told the technician that two days ago I had discovered a small bump in my right breast, the prescription was changed to a diagnostic one.

    After some time waiting, the doctor came back and said that the small bump in my right breast was benign, but she had found calcifications in my left breast, and that another series of mammograms would be needed in six months.

    Earlier this month I went for my six-month follow-up. After several uncomfortable mammograms, I was told that I would need to have a biopsy (sampling of tissue removed) to determine whether the calcifications were benign.

    It turns out that in 20-30% of the population, calcifications are an indication of cancer.

    After the initial shock wore off, I decided I would get a burrito to eat and not worry about it. I knew that this was an opportunity to grow and I was determined not to miss it.

    Instead of using the two weeks before my biopsy as time to worry, I chose peace and serenity. I spent the time in reflection while de-cluttering my home and focusing on gratitude.

    I was at ease in the space of not knowing whether the calcifications were benign.

    I got the biopsy on November 19th. Two days later, at 12:00pm (the day before Thanksgiving), I received a call with the results of a negative report. Not only was I ecstatic about the results, I was also pleased with how I handled the uncertainty of the whole ordeal.

    What this experience taught me was: (more…)

  • 3 Ways to Transform Anxiety into Positive Energy

    3 Ways to Transform Anxiety into Positive Energy

    “Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” ~Proverb

    A few months ago, I moved from the metropolitan east coast to rural Indiana and bunked up with my grandparents to help them sell their house.

    The house has finally sold, and now I am faced with options for where to go next. In other words, my future is completely uncertain at this point, and I’m experiencing quite a bit of anxiety over it.

    On the real, I’m silently, and at times not so silently, freaking out.

    Anxiety is so annoying in that it can be completely paralyzing. It is for me right now.

    My anxiety has taken over my productivity and has almost completely shut down my creativity. Also, my sleep is suffering, which impacts my skin, eating habits, and energy. It’s a yucky downward spiral, my friends.

    The major bummer is that my anxiety doesn’t solve any of the things I’m worried about, and the blocked energy flow this negative emotion generates only creates more problems. What is a distressed girl to do?

    Today I dragged my anxiety with me to my meditation pillow, and had a piece of paper where I quickly jotted down all of my greatest fears surrounding this move that’s upon me in just a few short weeks. I sat for a moment and wrote down anything that surfaced.

    What came up was that I am fretting that I won’t have enough money to support my upcoming move, I’m wondering what would happen if my car breaks down, and I’m worrying that I might not be happy in my next environment (and so forth). All valid fears, I would say.

    But then I realized that I really needed to dissect those fears further. (more…)

  • How to Choose Peace Instead of Stressing About the Future

    How to Choose Peace Instead of Stressing About the Future

    “If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” ~Unknown

    I was entering a completely new stage in my life. It could have been the beginning of something great, but it was entirely foreign to me. I could handle being productive, I could handle struggling to survive, but what was hard to handle was wading through the unknown.

    After working for six months in Italy and six months in Brazil I was back in the US—floating. I didn’t feel any closer to having a career. I was without a car, job, and permanent housing. My boyfriend still lived in Brazil, and my friends were scattered around the globe.

    I didn’t yet have the answer for who I wanted to be or what I wanted to do.

    I had such high expectations for my return to the US. I had spent the last year working small jobs in Italy and Brazil like teaching English, being a personal assistant, and whatever freelance crumbs I could gather.

    I was sure coming back to my home country would give me the luxury of landing a job I would love with an international company. No such luck.

    So, for the first month I was helping my mom settle in her new apartment, and then I was on the other side of the country for two weeks to give some emotional support to my sister while she finished up her last semester of college.

    I was helping people make it through their daily processes. So far, that’s all the direction and answers I had.

    I was happy to be helpful and supportive of my loved ones, but to my goal-oriented mind, I felt like a failure.

    I was having trouble sleeping at night. I found myself awake in the wee hours of the morning, with thirteen tabs open, trying to research and apply for jobs while emailing contacts and just generally having a panic attack.

    The days were passing rapidly as I sat numbly pecking at my computer from dawn to dusk, without significant results and definitely no peace of mind. I was busy, but not productive.

    My mind was divided between trying to solidify my future and beating myself up for not having made a solid plan sooner. Would I ever be successful? What if I never found a job I liked? How could I live around the world and make money at the same time?

    I didn’t have answers and it was driving me crazy. I was in uncharted waters and I felt totally lost.  (more…)

  • How to Feel Less Stressed About the Uncertain Future

    How to Feel Less Stressed About the Uncertain Future

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    “Uncertainty” may be one of the least popular places to hang out.

    I hear this all the time from my clients, friends, and truth be told, from the voice inside my own head. Certainty is almost always preferable to uncertainty. Humans like to know.

    I wanted to know when our house was on the market last year. Would it sell? When would it sell? How much would we get? Should we start packing up closets now, or wait until the offers start rolling in?

    I found it difficult to be in the moment with all of that uncertainty swirling around. It felt so difficult, in fact, that I found myself creating action steps that were not yet necessary—such as packing up closets—in an attempt to distract myself from the uncertainty-induced anxiety I didn’t want to feel.

    Similarly, I really wanted to know when I was forming my business a few years ago.

    Rather than revel in the excitement of the unknown, I wanted certainty. I wanted to know what it would look like in one year and in ten years. Where would my clients come from? What would my days feel like? I wanted to know exactly how everything would fall into place.

    Mostly, I wanted a guarantee that it would “work” the way I hoped it would. Faith wasn’t going to cut it. The thrill of anticipation? No, thank you.

    I had no interest in fuzzy details or that wide open place where you’re not sure what’s happening but anything is possible. I would have taken certainty any day of the week.

    Wide open views and unlimited possibilities aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

    Most of us, it seems, want to know. We want to know where we’ll live, what our next career will look like, and how it will all go down.

    It almost doesn’t matter if what we know is accurate, beneficial, or true.

    We aren’t searching for truth or clarity or insight as much as we’re simply searching for something reliable to grab ahold of.

    But the more I’ve worked to foster inner peace and the more I’ve tested the uncertainty waters with curiosity and a little less fear, the more I  think uncertainty gets a bad rap. Maybe it doesn’t have to be so bad.

    Here are four steps we can take to make uncertainty bearable. Exciting, even. (more…)

  • Embracing Uncertainty: The Future is Open, Not Empty

    Embracing Uncertainty: The Future is Open, Not Empty

    “As for the future, your task is not to foresee it but to enable it.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

    A month ago, I was at a crossroads. I was unhappy with my job, I no longer wanted to be living at home, I was tired of being three states away from my boyfriend, and I was sick of feeling unfulfilled.

    I knew change was coming, but what I did not know was that I was to be the catalyst.

    I had moved back in with my parents after college, as I started the daunting task of job searching. I worked retail for most of the summer, broken only by a two-and-a-half week stint as an editor for a company that sold writing workshops to major corporations.

    I loved the job, but the people turned out to be less than willing to train and accept me, so back home I went.

    I finally found a job at a bank in the fall and set off learning a career in finance for the next year and a half. Acquiring a new skill set was intimidating at first; I was an English major and math had been an enemy of mine since grade school, but I quickly caught on and enjoyed it for a little while.

    Eventually, it became clear that it was not the career for me; sales goals and customer service grew old fast, and I longed for change.

    Along with living at home and working at a job that left me wanting more, my boyfriend was three states away. We met through a mutual friend in college, but attended separate schools. Our relationship had been long distance from the start, but when he graduated, his job took him even farther from me; meeting twice a month if we were lucky was not the relationship I had imagined.

    I felt stuck, wishing for a crossroads to appear so I could take a different path.

    I stood around waiting for change, waiting for the signs to come flashing in my direction, for a contact to call me up with a job offer, for a path to be laid out neatly in front of me.

    I think we all do that sometimes, wait for a decision to drift our way. But what I realized is that we need to come to the decision, not the other way around.

    After staying late at work one Monday, I was driving home and had the overwhelming urge to drive to the beach. I had to be there before the sun set, I had to look at the water, smell the salt and seaweed, see the scattered couples bundled up and holding hands.

    I sat on the boardwalk and just stared. I stared at the ocean far away from me as the tide pulled it out and gave up my worries, just praying that I would find happiness soon. (more…)

  • Standing on Your Own Two Feet and Facing Uncertainty

    Standing on Your Own Two Feet and Facing Uncertainty

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    A year ago I was finishing my degree in the UK. And I feel in love.

    I was confused about my life. What was I supposed to do after my degree? Go back home? Do a masters degree, and in what area? Stay and get a job in the UK? If yes, then what job? The questions in my mind were endless.

    It was the feeling of distress and confusion you experience when you’re in a transitional phase in your life. Everyone has felt it at least a couple of times.

    For me, it was probably the most confused period of my life, and then it got worse. My father let me know that he wanted me to end my relationship. He thought that because of his appearance and attitude he would be a bad influence.

    He told me to choose between the two of them, but I just I couldn’t.

    How could you choose between two people that are important to you?

    My father decided cut me off and didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore.

    I felt disappointed with my father’s behaviour and confused because I would not be able to continue my studies without emotional and financial support; and of course I felt alone.

    You always have the suspicion that some people might betray, disappoint, or hurt you, but for many of us, it never crosses our minds that our parents could be those people. My father, the person I thought would always be there for me, didn’t want to see me anymore—and for such a stupid reason.

    I was firm in my decision to keep seeing my boyfriend. What if this happened again in the future; would I always need to choose who to spend time with based on my father’s approval? Was I willing to put each person that enters in my life through my father’s test? I certainly wasn’t!

    I felt angry. I couldn’t sleep well for almost six months. I cried almost every day. I was suffering as if my father had died, since he wasn’t in my life. (more…)

  • Dealing with Uncertainty: 5 Tips to Create Trust and Patience

    Dealing with Uncertainty: 5 Tips to Create Trust and Patience

    Calm Woman Meditating on Sunset Beach, Relax in Open Arms Pose

    “If you’re going to doubt something, doubt your own limits.” ~Don Ward

    So far I’ve gone from Sydney to Melbourne, Melbourne to Moruya, Moruya to Sydney, and Sydney to Brisbane, and my Australian adventure continues.

    I’m now about to depart from Brisbane and settle in on the Gold Coast in Queensland for the next few months while I get my yoga teacher certification and continue to explore this beautiful country.

    It’s been five months, ten days, and four hours since I landed at the Sydney International airport from Los Angeles. When I first left, I had no real expectations other than to fully experience as much of this country as I could.

    I had no specific plans other than to allow myself to be guided closer toward inner peace and freedom. There was no way of knowing how or if things were going to work in my favor.

    How can we ever really know if things will ultimately work in our favor?

    We can’t necessarily know, but we can absolutely believe they will.

    When we re-commit ourselves each day to the possibilities of a bright and incredible life, each day begins to reveal more direction, and the clarity we seek emerges from the uncertainty.

    I recently heard Tony Robbins say, “The quality of our lives is directly related to the amount of uncertainty we can live with comfortably.” This has become a daily mantra for me.

    When we don’t know where we’re headed, that doesn’t mean we’re heading somewhere undesirable. We can focus on everything that could go wrong, or we can focus on everything that could go right.

    Happiness depends upon our ability to make friends with the unknown, to respect and enjoy it, and to fully embrace and welcome it.

    Some of my personal goals has been to start my own business and continue finding writing opportunities that pay me and allow me to help others through sharing my experiences. (more…)

  • Letting Go of the Fear of Uncertainty and Embracing Adventure

    Letting Go of the Fear of Uncertainty and Embracing Adventure

    “Each time you stay present with fear and uncertainty, you’re letting go of a habitual way of finding security and comfort.” ~ Pema Chodron

    Being the thought-out planner with a neatly plotted road map—and a compass tightly gripped in one hand, pointing due north—I cringe a bit (okay, a lot actually) at the thought of changing direction, being adventurous, and going off the beaten path.

    I’ve purposefully designed my external life for security—the cushy job, maximizing the 401K, additional streams of income to insulate the extra-super-comfy-security, a large home for a future family, long-time childhood friends, and a solid marriage.

    I am deeply grateful for all of these and, on most days, find pride that my focused, linear thinking has created a surrounding of comforts.

    As I venture further on this journey, though, I realize that anchoring ourselves with an abundance of security can actually become a dangerous habit.

    It can create an attachment that prevents us from being fully awake.

    My straight-path mindset hadn’t really prepared me for an off-roading adventure. I held a belief that if I softened my resistance to allow things to go in a direction other than I had planned, this would be a mini-failure of sorts—a “giving in” to the unknown.

    And the unknown, after all, is deeply rooted in scariness, signifying weakness, giving up, having no direction. It’s not secure, and far, far from safe.

    Or so I had thought.

    Sometimes we can be blindly walking down a path and then an obstacle, a detour, or a sharp turn appears, asking us to expand our mind and heart to see and feel differently.

    This past year, I found myself becoming a security-junky of sorts, as I would not allow for an unforeseen change to enter my life.

    I would stand firmly at the arrival of this unwelcome circumstance with crossed arms and a tremendous amount of resistance. I held tightly onto my compass, my road map pressed against my chest, and didn’t want to let go. (more…)

  • 5 Reasons It’s OK to Not Know What the Future Holds

    5 Reasons It’s OK to Not Know What the Future Holds

    Silhouette

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    We spend a lot of time in life not knowing.

    There are a lot of things that we’re comfortable not knowing. Not knowing a stranger’s name. Not knowing our credit card number or a friend’s address. Not knowing the capital of Vermont.

    We’re comfortable with these things because we know there are answers. Even if we have to get on our smartphones for few minutes to find them, we know these things are all facts that actually exist.

    But there are lots of other things that we really want to know, like if our decision is going to be the right one, or if a job is going to work out, or if we’re about to be laid off.

    What is the best use of my life? What is my mission? These things are unanswerable. There are many things that we simply can’t know.

    And while we think it would be nice to know these things, to know the future, I’m here to tell you it’s really not the case. Even if we could know these things, we’re actually better off not knowing them.

    Last year, I took a new job in sales. It was a big change for me. I’d been in consulting and legal practice the rest of my career, and while part of my past work had been around growing relationships and coming up with ideas for new projects, I’d never taken a job where I was a “sales guy,” where I would be evaluated solely on my “number.”

    When I took the job, I was given a quota that, if I met it, would mean a significant increase in my pay. I was also told that I’d be groomed for greater responsibilities, that I was seen as a likely future member of senior management.

    The company has some cutting edge ways of looking at health care expenses and we help millions of people live better, healthier lives. It was a mission that I enthusiastically signed up for.

    This is what has happened since:

    The company has been through three major restructurings. Several of my peers, including the two people who brought me in for grooming, have either quit or been let go.

    The market has dried up for our services, even as we were able to prove their effectiveness with randomized controlled trials. There have been virtually no new sales. This means that I have taken a substantial pay cut and have had to dip into my savings to meet my expenses.

    The company has made almost no progress on new offerings, and several current clients have left. There is some encouraging talk of new partnerships and capabilities, but these will take months to implement.

    I sold nothing last year and am unlikely to sell much this year. And the most enthusiastic advocates for my development within the organization are gone.

    Now the question is had I known all that, would I have taken the job? And the answer is almost certainly no.

    But that would have been a big mistake—because I’ve learned so much. (more…)

  • The Art of Ambivalence: Not Knowing Can Be a Good Thing

    The Art of Ambivalence: Not Knowing Can Be a Good Thing

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins                              

    I drive my wife nuts. She has absolutely no trouble deciding how she feels or what she likes and dislikes. For me, those decisions don’t come easily.

    She loves comparing notes with people about their favorite movie, favorite dessert, you name it. I can never pick just one. When someone asks me what I think, the answer’s almost always some version of “It all depends.”

    This puts me at a disadvantage when my wife and I argue. Not only is she quite certain of her position; she always seems to have an arsenal of facts at hand to defend it. Pondering where to even start my response, I used to feel my only option was just to give in.

    I’d rationalize, well okay, if you’re so sure and I can’t make up my mind, it must be more important to you, so what the heck, you win. Alas, the story of my life!

    For Every Answer, a Question

    Don’t get me wrong; I really envy my wife for her clarity of thought. I wish I could make decisions without first having to let facts and feelings percolate for a while. I wish I could be sure enough about an issue to be willing to go to bat it.

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve seen this reticence as a handicap. But in the past decade or so, at last, I’ve found a way to free myself of that burden—I’ve decided it’s actually a strength.

    After all, I’m thinking, isn’t the world a more interesting place when the conversation doesn’t necessarily end at one person’s version of the truth?

    Wouldn’t life be dull if there weren’t for every ideologue, a skeptic; for every answer, a question; for every teacher, a student?

    I realize I can’t stop being the student. And that’s okay.

    Learning’s a funny thing. For some people, it’s clearly the means to an end. You learn so you can know; you know so you don’t have to listen to anyone any more.

    Not me. The more I learn, the more certain I am that I don’t know everything. I guess you could say asking questions is more important to me than being right.

    Giving myself permission to be ambivalent has been liberating. Ironically, it seems to have actually emboldened my thinking in a way. (more…)

  • 5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Aren’t Sure What You Want in Life

    5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Aren’t Sure What You Want in Life

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    There are times in life when we just don’t know what we want. These are the awkward in-between places where we feel uncertain and unsure, and perhaps even question our purpose.

    There was a pivotal time in my life, after I got my Counseling Psychology Masters degree and had a private practice, when I knew I did not want to be a therapist.

    I left counseling to help my husband start his fashion business, even though this was not an interest of mine. My true desire was to write and publish books, but at the time I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about.

    A year later, while riding my bike on a beautiful sunny day, I tried to pop a wheelie over a curb and fell, hitting the back of my head on a car bumper and then the road.

    The neurologist told me I had a moderate concussion and I needed to lie low for three months. I got migraines from simply walking around the block, so I had to stop completely.

    While I was sitting at the kitchen table one afternoon, I got the idea for my now published book and card deck set. It hit me harder than the fall off my bike. After helping my husband with his business for a year, without knowing what was next for me, I was ready to hit the ground running.

    These places where we are asked to be still and experience the unknown are as important to our journey as the times when we feel certain. An empty blank canvas permits the unanticipated and unexpected to appear.

    Like a trapeze artist letting go of one bar we suspend in a gap before the next bar comes swinging towards us. This space is the catalyst that creatively births us into new ways of being.

    Here are five key questions to experience relaxation, stillness, and peace while resting in the uncertainty of the unknown: (more…)

  • How to Deal with Pain and Uncertainty

    How to Deal with Pain and Uncertainty

    “The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” ~C.C. Scott

    A blueberry muffin, that’s the last thing we spoke about before she went under.

    I didn’t know it then, but it was to be the final conversation my (middle) daughter and I would have for a very long time. I was trying to distract Nava by talking about food; in this case, the promise of the rest of her muffin when she came back from the bronchoscopy.

    We were thrown a steep curve ball out of left field when Nava went for an exploratory procedure and ended up on a respirator in a drug-induced paralyzed coma. 

    Almost three months later, miraculously, she was slowly awakened, but not to any muffin; rather, to a  life that would require a strength of spirit, body, and soul unlike anything we could’ve ever imagined.

    Nava was in an uphill battle to rebuild her life, muscle by muscle, limb by limb, as she relearned and reclaimed each bodily function.

    Her spirit, attitude, and disposition carried her through this torturous climb and that carried me through, as well.  You could say I piggybacked on my daughter’s positive, brave, fighting spirit.

    What do you do when your feet are jello, the ground is mush, and you’re drowning in a dark abyss of unknowns, amidst horrific pain and suffering? How do you begin to grope along the edge and regain some sense of grounding? (more…)

  • 7 Ways to Deal with Uncertainty So You Can Be Happier and Less Anxious

    7 Ways to Deal with Uncertainty So You Can Be Happier and Less Anxious

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA, or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.

    I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.

    If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.

    My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.

    Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat. (more…)

  • How to Let Go and Embrace an Uncertain Future

    How to Let Go and Embrace an Uncertain Future

    “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

    I used to love uncertainty. I wandered my way all around this country with little more than a suitcase and a journal. Committing to anything felt limiting, suffocating even.

    One day I realized it wasn’t enlightenment that pushed me to embrace the unknown; it was a paralyzing fear of creating something certain. You can’t disappoint people when you don’t form relationships with them, and you can’t fail when you never start.

    One day I decided to do the scariest things I could imagine: settle into one place, get a steady job, and start forming real relationships.

    This lasted for a while until the economic meltdown rocked my world. Now I’m back in a place of uncertainty, like so many other people.

    Almost everyone I know has had to make at least a few changes to their life because of the economy. People have lost their jobs, homes, and in some cases, their sense of identity.

    It’s both terrifying and exciting to have a blank page in front of you. Sometimes we need reminders to see it as the latter.

    Here’s how I’m learning to let go without losing what I felt I’ve gained these past few years: (more…)