Tiny Buddha

Tag: unfair

  • How I Forgave When Life Felt Painful and Unfair

    How I Forgave When Life Felt Painful and Unfair

    “Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that their behavior was ‘OK.’ What it does mean is that we’re ready to move on. To release the heavy weight. To shape our own life, on our terms, without any unnecessary burdens. Forgiveness is pure freedom—and forgiveness is a choice.” ~Dr. Suzanne Gelb

    It happened, again.

    I was sitting opposite one of my closest family members. The irritation coming from me could almost be felt and touched in the room. One comment from him and boom, it was like pouring gasoline on a fire. I couldn’t help myself, I used to get so upset in these situations that I could barely manage them.

    How could this happen? I was a grownup now. Also, I had worked on forgiving this person and moving past this. But then, why was I always falling back into old patterns?

    Have you ever had one (or even several) of these moments? An infected relationship with a close family member that just can’t seem to heal? And you beat yourself up for not being able to resist getting into a fight?

    Let me share my story. One of the closest people in my life when I was growing up was an alcoholic. That has been extremely painful. My childhood was amazing in many ways, but the fact that this person drank too much made the shiny surface fade.

    Due to this, I’ve felt like a victim my whole life. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve growing up with an alcoholic? Why did I have to battle embarrassment and shame because of something he did? 

    It all seemed so unfair.

    During my childhood it was the same routine every evening: looking at the wine bottle that slowly but surely got more and more empty. Going to bed, carefully listening to sounds; was there an argument starting or not? Will there be yelling and screaming? Will I be able to sleep the whole night through?

    I had so much resentment towards him. How could he do this to me and the rest of my family? His drinking and behavior triggered me in so many ways, and most of the time I felt disconnected, irritated and separated from him.

    I wanted to be able to forgive and forget, and to move on, but how?

    I tried to forgive him, believe me, I really tried. But at the end of the day, nothing changed. The anger, resentment, and sense of separation was still there.

    But then one day something unexpected happened. I suddenly shifted my approach to forgiveness, and it was unlike anything I had done before. Finally, I set myself free. (I’ll explain soon how I did that).

    What I realized was this: a shift within me, not him, had to take place. This shift was the key to my forgiveness, and in the below steps I’ll take you through how I did it.

    1. I stopped thinking and started feeling.

    I used to battle with the situation from my head. I tried to “trick” my mind to forgive and forget. But this strategy only kept me further from the root cause, and thus further away from liberation.

    Eventually, I realized that I had to go deeper, to feel the hidden emotions underneath it all. I had spent so many years believing that I was angry, frustrated, and upset. My go-to state with him was attack, hatred, and resentment.

    But underneath those emotions were the true feelings that I had not been able nor willing to feel. What I really felt was disappointment, hurt, and rejection.

    Turns out it was easier to feel hatred and irritation than rejection and unworthiness. What I know today is that I couldn’t heal the situation from a place of anger and blame. I could only heal it by connecting to those deep and painful emotions that were hiding underneath.

    At the time, I promised myself never to be vulnerable again. Unknowingly, at that point in time, I signed a lifelong contract of suffering. I built a thick wall around myself in order to protect myself. A wall between me and my family member (and eventually between me and other men).

    But to forgive, I had to open up to vulnerability again. That was the door opener to true forgiveness. It is scary to go there, I know. But this is where the liberation lies. Go there, go to where it hurts the most and let these feelings come to greet you.

    2. I connected with my younger and wounded self.

    In the process of forgiving, one clear memory came back to me. It was the first time that I met him drunk and upset. I was fourteen years old and up until that point I had felt unconditionally loved. That night he said something that turned everything around. This was the painful night that changed how I viewed myself and our relationship.

    Previously, I had been aware of this memory, but not willing to connect to my younger self. I had not been willing to hear her out. I imagined my fourteen-year-old self in my mind. I imagined her talking to me, telling her side of the story.

    She put into words what I had truly felt that evening. All the suffering, feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Tears started pouring down my cheeks. I cried so hard. So much suffocated longing to feel love and connection revealed itself.

    By listening to her and welcoming the painful emotions something powerful happened – I reclaimed my vulnerability.

    Often, we fight so hard to keep ourselves from feeling the most painful emotions. But the fact is that they are the doorway to our liberation. We have to feel them to release them. In my experience, ignoring and pushing away painful feelings only leads to them controlling you even more. Only when you allow yourself to feel them are you able to set yourself free.

    3. I realized everyone acts to the best of their ability.

    I used to think this person did this because he was ignorant, insensitive, and selfish. But I couldn’t have been further from the truth. What I realized was that he acted to the best of his ability. I also realize that he, in turn, has his own trauma, tragic memories, and difficulties in life.

    It hit me that I would have acted in the exact same way if I had his upbringing (his parents, experiences, and trauma etc). And that shift made it so much easier to forgive him. No one is perfect and neither am I. He did the best he could.

    This is when I replaced anger with compassion. A wave a love washed over me, literally entering every cell of my body. In a moment I realized that this person had always loved me, and still does to this day.

    This was when my triggers vanished. Left was love, empathy, and compassion.

    This person isn’t perfect, and neither am I. I love my children more than anything in the world, but I also mess up. I’m also human. And not only does that insight make it easier for me to connect to my family member, but also to myself. I’m less harsh and judging of myself today than before thanks to that realization.

    4. Forgiveness doesn’t mean acceptance of bad behavior.

    To me, the word forgiveness used to feel foreign. As something that was given to the perpetrator in order to create peace of mind for that person. I resented the word and the meaning of it.

    But forgiveness is not about accepting or approving bad behavior. I can still forgive and objectively oppose certain behaviors. To me, forgiveness didn’t include approval of my family member’s destructive drinking behavior. Instead, forgiveness was an act of service to myself.

    I learned that forgiveness is, in a positive way, an act of egoism. You forgive to set yourself free from chains of suffering and from the past. Years later I told him because I wanted to give him the gift of my forgiveness. But it was never a necessity. It’s now been four years and our relationship is better than ever before.

    Make sure that you forgive, not to help someone else, but to help yourself. Give yourself the gift of letting go so that you can move into the future you desire.

    Set Yourself Up for True Liberation

    Living a life where you hold on to resentment, anger, and frustration toward someone is painful. Anger, bitterness, and resentment doesn’t change the past; it keeps you stuck in it.

    You deserve better. You deserve to free yourself from grudges and painful feelings. Use this article as your guide to move into forgiveness. Start with one of the points above and follow the steps outlined. Don’t force or beat yourself up for not being able to forgive or heal straight away. Just by reading this article, you have taken a step in the right direction and have faith that your timing will be perfect for you.

    Remember to feel, not to think, your way to forgiveness. Gather courage to go deeper, to feel the hidden emotions underneath it all. And most of all: remind yourself that this is something you’re doing for yourself, not for anyone else.

    Our traumas and difficulties in life can leave us feeling hopeless, resentful, and like a victim. They can be our excuse to stay stuck and not create the life we desire. Or the painful experiences in life can be your greatest gift. By learning to forgive someone once and for all, you tap into the blessings in disguise that come with any problem.

    Perhaps, thanks to your experience, you learned to tune up your emotional intelligence, empathy, and compassion. In short, make sure that your greatest problem becomes your greatest gift.

  • The Power of Compassion: How to Make Do in an Unfair World

    The Power of Compassion: How to Make Do in an Unfair World

    “A good head and good heart are always a formidable combination. But when you add to that a literate tongue or pen, then you have something very special.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Ever thought, “Life is so unfair!”

    Is it, really?

    Has life given you circumstances that keep you in a deep, dark hole of disadvantages that seem impossible to clamber out of?

    Has life decided that you need to live in abject poverty and watch everyone in your life suffer from being denied everything a human needs to be human?

    Has life put you in a position where you wouldn’t dare to dream of something better, for yourself, for your family, about anything, ever?

    My story is specifically about my home, Cape Town, South Africa.

    A place so breathtaking, it reminds you constantly that a higher power must truly exist.

    A place filled with the friendliest people, with a strong sense of family and community.

    People who smile easily and see the bright side of even the darkest realities.

    And, under it all, we have all been touched by the far-reaching hand of hardship.

    Elders have seen extreme poverty and prejudice, while raising large families as best they could under unrelenting circumstances.

    Families have lost loved ones in struggles for a better world at the southernmost point of the African continent.

    And the struggle continues.

    In 2020, the struggle persists.

    Sixty million voices go unheard every single day, with a slew of injustices hurled at them every so often, for good measure.

    Senior citizens have no means to support their modest lives, and no one to care for their needs.

    Unfair, with a lifetime of regrets.

    Able-bodied, competent, grown men and women are forgotten by the system, and left as easy prey to life-shattering temptations.

    Unfair, with daily desperation.

    With an unemployment rate pushing 30%, what will they do, and what will become of them and their families?

    The youth stare a bleak future straight in the face.

    Unfair, with overwhelming depression.

    Children lack the little they need to blossom into the future of this world.

    Unfair, with blissful oblivion.

    How long must they be happy in the little they all have?

    Every family has a story to tell.

    And sadly, the vast majority all sound like a broken record, playing the same tune over and over again.

    My family’s story is no different.

    Grew up in poverty, shared a home with ten other people, had very little to eat, had no gas or electricity, no vehicle, walked long distances in harsh conditions just to get to school every day, no telephone, no television, no appliances, no hot water, problematic plumbing in an outhouse, no healthcare, no dental care, one pair of shoes per person, worn until their soles were irreparable, clothes made from offcuts by the matriarch of the family, left school before the age of fourteen, helped support the family by taking on manual labor, stayed home to take care of eight to fourteen growing children…

    And the list of unimaginable challenges goes on.

    Sounds like a village situated in the remote parts of an undiscovered jungle somewhere, forgotten by time and progress.

    Yet, they survived.

    And tragically, so did the circumstances.

    In the age of social media, digital business, and limitless telecommunications, harsh circumstances still exist.

    While some miraculously overcame unbelievable odds, beat the system, and thrived, others were left at the mercy of history chasing its tail in a vicious cycle.

    And today, millions of people in South Africa still live this way, with no way to step out of the madness.

    As a kid, I remember both my mother and grandmother employing domestic workers who lived in an informal settlement (either with their families, or apart from their families who lived in a faraway state), in a makeshift dwelling that could go up in smoke, literally, at any moment, from a neglected candle.

    As an adult, I do the same as my mom and gran before me, and the very same set of criteria exists that has existed for four whole decades.

    No one has come to the rescue.

    Delving into the lives of those loyal domestic workers, it is not hard to imagine that the younger generations of their families walk the paths they always have.

    Unfair, hopelessly so.

    Same story goes for the gardeners, and brick layers, and handymen, and janitors, and security guards, and petrol attendants (who?), and car guards (huh?), and caretakers, and garbage collectors, and…

    But wait, there’s more. Devastatingly, there’s more.

    Add to the list, that layer of society who, until now, have managed to live marginally above the breadline (living pay check to pay check) and have a relatively “comfortable” life, who have now lost their gainful employment and don’t know where to start to earn a living wage to keep their families fed, clothed, and cared for.

    How do they get to win and rise above these life-altering, unexpected curveballs?

    The only immediately viable solution for them all that I can see is compassion, kindness, and generosity.

    Compassion from others, kindnesses from strangers, generosity of family and friends.

    And let me just assure you right now, in case you’ve ever wondered, that there is enough to go around on this magnificent planet.

    Interest in the well-being of others—the children, the youth, the family men and women, the seniors.

    Thankfully, this place called Cape Town has scores of beautiful people who practice compassion as a part of everything they do.

    Parents and siblings protect each other from the wolves at the door.

    People make the best of their dire conditions, and are grateful for all that they have, even if all they have is their health.

    Families and friends check that their family members and friends are “okay.”

    And would you believe that, even though you now know almost everyone’s story, they’ll do all that they can to convince you that they actually are okay?

    There’s a term for that: “making do.”

    They make do with what they have, they make do with what has been given to them, they make do with what they receive, they make do with what you can spare them, they make do with how they live, they make do with what they get paid for their hard, often physical, work. They make do.

    Their dignities are intact, in their minds at least, if not in reality.

    Unfair, to you and I, definitely.

    To them, it’s just life.

    And it’s in all of our hands.

  • When Life Feels Hard and Unfair: 4 Lessons That Helped Me Cope

    When Life Feels Hard and Unfair: 4 Lessons That Helped Me Cope

    “Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” ~William James

    Two years ago, I gave birth to my second daughter via a planned C-section at thirty-seven weeks.

    My first daughter had been born via emergency C-section after seventeen hours of unmedicated labor. I had very much wanted a natural, intervention-free birth. Due to a number of issues, the surgery was so complicated that I was told it would be dangerous to ever go into labor, much less have a natural birth ever again.

    Of course, this was devastating for me.

    Still, I went into surgery on the morning of my daughter’s birth with hope and excitement. My second pregnancy had been extremely difficult and I was glad for it to be over. I was still heartbroken that I would never get the chance for a natural delivery, but at the same time there was a piece of me that was a bit relieved the decision had been taken away from me.

    My second C-section proved to be even more complicated than my first. The surgery went at a snail’s pace as the doctors tried to navigate the extensive scar tissue created by my first C-section. The spinal anesthesia made me unable to feel myself breathing even though I was breathing just fine, and I panicked and repeatedly questioned whether I was suffocating and going to die.

    Still, pictures of me and my daughter in the recovery room right after the birth show me smiling in a highly medicated but contented glow.

    It was a few minutes after those pictures were taken that the nurse noticed there was something wrong with my newborn’s breathing. It was labored and staggered. The medical team decided that they would take her to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) to make sure everything was okay.

    In my post-surgical stupor, I didn’t think much of it. I figured they would observe her for a few hours, and she would be back in my arms by the time I made it out of recovery.

    I was wrong.

    My daughter spent the next ten days in the NICU with a diagnosis of pulmonary hypertension secondary to transient tachypnea. She was kept alive by various tubes and machines, and I got a crash course in C-PAPs, oxygen monitor readings, and feeding tubes.

    I wasn’t allowed to hold her for the first five days because her situation was so precarious and unstable.

    I knew it was extremely serious when her NICU roommate, a baby born three months early, was wheeled to another room because my daughter was going into crisis every time someone turned on a light or spoke too closely to her.

    It killed me to watch her covered in tubes and machines, unable to hold her, much less breastfeed her. I stood by, helplessly pumping milk every three hours and putting her life in the hands of the NICU nurses, who were clearly angels sent directly from heaven.

    I struggled with massive guilt that my body had failed me in my first childbirth experience, leading to the mandatory early C-section and all of its complications for my second daughter. I also felt guilty every time I left the NICU to spend time with my older daughter and every time I left my older daughter to go to the NICU.

    I was angry. Angry that this happened. Angry with myself for not appreciating how much worse it could have been when I was surrounded by parents and babies who would be spending months, not days, within the NICU’s walls.

    Despite the severity of her condition, my daughter’s story was one of mighty strength and resilience, and she left the NICU with no lasting complications—a major blessing for any NICU baby.

    My story was one of lessons learned: how to forgive myself, how to let go of what I want to be and embrace what is, how to truly live in the moment, and how to practice unconditional gratitude. Most of all, I discovered new depths to the meaning of the word love.

    Though it took me spending ten days with my daughter in the NICU to learn these lessons, they are universal and certainly don’t require a crisis to integrate them into even the most mundane aspects of our lives.

    I share them with you in the hopes that if you’re dealing with pain in your life, you will bring to it the knowledge that while the pain may be unavoidable, the suffering is always optional.

    Here’s what ten days in the NICU taught me:

    Focus on the present.

    For several days, my daughter’s condition seemed to get progressively worse before it got better.

    This made it very easy for me to get lost in a never-ending maze of what ifs, each more terrifying than the next.

    And yet, when I forced myself to focus on the moment, somehow things were always manageable.

    Yes, she was hooked up to a lot of scary and unpleasant machines, but she was surrounded by a nest of soft blankets, and for all she knew, she was still in the womb.

    Yes, she turned blue when she cried, but the nurses and doctors always got things stable quickly, and with no drama. They knew what they were doing, and I knew I could trust them.

    I learned quickly that the future was a place where the worst loomed both possible and probable. The present was a place where my daughter was safe, loved, and receiving some of the best care the world had to offer.

    If you find yourself in the middle of a crisis, you probably feel like you’re trapped in a whirlwind that’s pulling you in so many different directions, you’re having a hard time figuring out which way is up.

    Instead of picturing yourself as powerless against the chaos of the situation, try thinking of yourself as the eye of a storm. While chaos may reign around you, the present moment is always manageable.

    Remember that while the future seems scary with all its unknowns and possibilities, the future also doesn’t exist yet. All we have is this moment. And in this moment, there can be peace.

    Gratitude is always an option.

    When you’re in a place like the NICU, it’s not difficult to embrace gratitude. Everywhere I looked were babies and their families in situations far more dire than ours. I met parents who would be in the NICU for months, who had years or possibly lifetimes of lasting effects of premature birth and other complications to deal with.

    And then there were the parents whose baby would never get home, whose entire life would take place within the NICU walls.

    Gratitude helped me process my guilt and anger. It’s impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time, and so I would spend hours sitting next to my daughter, writing lists of all the things to be grateful for in this situation and imagining that my positive energy was surrounding her and helping her heal.

    When you feel like you’re drowning in guilt and anger, take your sense of internal power back by sitting down somewhere quiet and making a list of every positive aspect and every reason to be grateful for the situation that you can find.

    You may find that it’s hard to get started, but once you do, I guarantee you’ll find a sense of peace that no one and no situation can take away.

    Wanting life to be fair is a major block to peace.

    I have never suffered from the delusion that life is fair, but even as an adult, I have occasionally suffered from the delusion that it should be.

    My daughter’s time in the NICU freed me of that childish fantasy.

    I quickly realized that as long as I believe the universe is doing something unfair to me, I am giving away my power. And when I give away my power, it’s not the universe that’s being unfair to me, it’s me that’s being unfair to myself.

    I couldn’t change the fact that I was a mom with a baby in the NICU. What I could change was the kind of mom I was going to be for my daughter when she needed my presence and my peace, and not my indignation and my anger at the world.

    Was I going to be a mom who fell apart when something happened that I felt was unfair? Or was I going to be a mom who felt her feelings but didn’t allow them to determine her ability to be her best self in any given moment?

    The choice was always mine.

    As easy as it would be to feel powerless and therefore become powerless, I knew that this time the stakes were too high to do that. My daughter needed me, and I needed me to be the best version of myself.

    Fairness is a fluid thing, and I came to realize that I had the power to stack the “fairness” greatly in my daughter’s favor by letting go of “unfair” and empowering myself with thoughts of love and gratitude.

    If you feel that something unfair has happened to you, ask yourself these questions: Do I want to use my limited energy resisting reality, causing myself pain in the process? How could I use that energy in a more constructive way?

    You may be surprised at what you come up with.

    We can’t always see the whole picture.

    As painful as it was to watch my daughter struggle physically and not be able to hold her or comfort her in any real way, I had to admit to myself that I couldn’t say for sure this experience wasn’t intentional from the perspective of her soul.

    Who was I to say that her soul didn’t pick a body that needed intensive care for the first ten days of its life on purpose because it had a larger plan that I had no capacity to understand?

    The truth, I realized, was that I couldn’t possibly understand how the universe works and why seemingly bad things happen to innocent people. I could say for sure that all of the difficult, challenging, and painful experiences in my life—this one included—had ultimately made me a stronger, wiser, and more peaceful person.

    So how could I see my daughter’s experience as all bad?

    If you’re struggling, consider the possibility that you don’t have all the information needed to make an accurate judgment of the situation. Realize that there might be more to it than meets the eye. This doesn’t require you to hold the same spiritual beliefs I hold; it just means considering that sometimes life’s hardest struggles end up being blessings in disguise.

    If you’re like me, doing this will help you to look at the situation with less interpretation and indignation, and less inflamed thinking and aversion. In other words, it will give you more peace, and with peace comes your ability to be present with the ones you love.

    Sometimes you have to let go of what you wanted so you can focus on doing what’s needed—and so the pain can let go of you.

    I wanted to love my newborn my way: by holding her in my arms, cuddling and kissing her, and feeding her from my breast.

    These were not the ways that she was able to receive love in her first days of life, and so I needed to let go of my desires and focus on the ways I could love her given the present circumstances: by pumping milk for her to receive through a feeding tube, touching her arm with my finger, praying for her, and giving her unconditional loving energy.

    Loving my daughter without boundaries, without my own preconceived notions of what that love should look like, required keeping my heart open at the exact moment I wanted to close it. I wanted to prepare for the worst, to problem-solve and plan. I wanted to control the situation in any way I possibly could.

    But I also realized that doing this would cause me to dissolve in a puddle of fear; to close myself off to the opportunities that existed right in front of me, in that moment, to love my daughter.

    And so, for her sake, I learned to surrender in order to keep my heart open and keep her surrounded by the presence of love.

    If you find yourself clinging to how you wanted things to be, ask yourself if this is limiting your ability to do what’s needed. Your current situation might not be what you wanted, but it’s more likely to improve if you accept what is, show up fully, and do what you need to do to be your best self regardless.

    —

    As I write this today, my daughter’s second birthday, I share with you the lessons I believe she came into this world knowing: that love, truth, peace, and inner happiness are always available to us no matter what happens in our lives.

    What have the painful or traumatic events in your life taught you?

  • 7 Habits That Keep You Strong (Even When Things Go Wrong)

    7 Habits That Keep You Strong (Even When Things Go Wrong)

    “I’m stronger because of the hard times, wiser because of my mistakes, and happier because I have known sadness.” ~Unknown

    It’s happened to most of us.

    Despite our best intentions, something goes dreadfully wrong.

    You suffer a heartbreaking loss, make a terrible mistake, or get blindsided by an injury.

    In disbelief your mind cries, “Wait. What?”

    And then, “No, no, no, this can’t be happening.”

    After the initial shock, when the surge of stress hormones has subsided, you realize that yes, this is happening.

    And you can’t help thinking: “But how could this happen? It’s not fair. I can’t bear it. Why me? Why now? How will I ever get through this?”

    Your mind is reeling. You feel anxious and dejected.

    Well, something like this just happened to me too.

    After eight days away and a grueling fifteen-hour return trip, my husband and I were relieved to finally arrive home at 1:00AM on a Wednesday.

    But as soon as I opened the front door, I knew something was terribly wrong. My beloved cat Tiffany had come to greet me, but she wasn’t purring in her usual comforting way.

    She was yowling in distress in a way I had never, ever heard before.

    “Wait. What? What’s wrong, what’s wrong?”

    And then somehow, I just knew. I ran further into the house and discovered evidence that confirmed one of my worst nightmares.

    My trustworthy, longtime pet sitter had not been in to care for Tiffany.

    My sweet, sixteen-year-old cat had been home alone with no food, water, or heart medication for eight days. How was she even still alive?

    As a devoted animal lover, witnessing Tiffany’s trauma and subsequent physical and mental decline has been heartbreaking for me.

    I’ve had plenty of negative, angry, and despairing thoughts vying for my attention over this. And I definitely felt weakened by the experience.

    But as soon as I could, I consciously returned to the habits I’ve created over time that keep me strong no matter what shows up in my life.

    1. Use your power of choice.

    No matter what your circumstances, you have the power to choose your direction and how to use your energy. You can choose to use your energy in positive, productive ways or in negative, destructive ways. Either way, the choices you make now determine your future.

    As soon as I opened my front door and saw Tiffany’s suffering, I had some choices to make. I could choose to stay devastated, distraught, and depressed. Or I could choose to embrace the miracle that my cat was still alive and empower myself to give her the loving attention she deserved.

    Practice choosing to focus your energy in positive directions until it becomes a habit. Once it does, you will be more empowered and experience less trouble in your life. You will feel like you are living on purpose, taking charge of your direction rather than viewing life as something that just happens to you.

    2. Accept what is, no matter what.

    Practice not mentally labeling what happens as good or bad; just let it be.

    Accepting what is, instead of judging it, puts you in a state of inner non-resistance. You can still want to change things, but you have a calmer attitude, and any action you take to improve your situation is more effective.

    I rated my Tiffany’s circumstances as terrible at first. But by quickly accepting the situation instead of raging against it, all my mental and intuitive energy was available to discern what she needed most so that I could help her right away.

    Allow things to be as they are rather than resisting them. Once this becomes a habit, you’ll find yourself calmly thinking of effective solutions for problems that used to be overwhelming.

    3. Be grateful.

    Besides enhancing your everyday life, finding things to be grateful for can help you cope during hard times by giving you a wider perspective that helps you feel less overwhelmed by difficult circumstances.

    An eight-pound, sixteen-year-old cat with a heart condition could easily have died from such a trauma. So I had three things to be grateful for that night.

    First, Tiffany was still alive. Second, I got home just in time to rescue her. And third, I was grateful that my pet sitter had taught me to leave extra water out when going on a trip. This is probably what saved Tiffany’s life.

    Practice focusing on what’s going right. Notice things to be grateful for every day. Soon, finding something to be grateful for will become your automatic response to anything that happens. And eventually you’ll find that your gratitude habit brings more joy into your life.

    4. Neutralize the negative.

    Sometimes our thinking is directed by our inner critic, who can say some harsh things. But when you pay attention, you can recognize unhealthy thoughts and change them to more positive statements.

    My inner mean girl spoke up that night. “Tiffany counts on you to keep her safe. How could you let this happen?”

    I immediately cut this off by replacing the unhelpful thoughts with words I often say out loud to my sweet cat: “I love you, Miss Tiffany.”

    Always question your negative thoughts, and practice changing them to positive, helpful statements. Once this becomes a habit, you’ll find that negative thoughts lose their power to upset you. Over time, you will be able to more easily let them go, and your mind will become more peaceful.

    5. Return to the present moment.

    As human beings, one of our favorite mental activities is to get lost in thinking about the past or the future.

    Remembering to bring your attention back to “now” sweeps the debris from your mind and returns you to a state of simplicity.

    Throughout that long night, I did my best not to get lost in thoughts of how this could have happened or what Tiffany’s health would be like from then on. I just kept bringing myself back to the present moment with, “I love you, Miss Tiffany.”

    As you go about your daily activities, keep your full attention on whatever is happening here and now rather than getting lost in thought. Once this becomes a habit, you will be more connected to your inner wisdom. You will notice that decisions are easier to make, and life begins to flow more smoothly.

    6. Trust yourself.

    It’s better to trust in your own feelings and intuition—even if you make mistakes along the way—than to look outside yourself for guidance.

    Even though this felt like an urgent crisis, I took my time considering the options.

    I could put Tiffany in the pet carrier and go for a forty-five-minute drive to the emergency veterinary hospital. Or I could quietly care for her myself for a few more hours until my local vet’s office opened.

    It was the middle of the night, and she had already been through so much. My intuition said that keeping her home would be less stressful, so that’s what we did.

    Remember to always tune in to your inner wisdom for help. Once you make this a habit, you will feel less stressed and more positive. You will have a sense of inner security and self-contained confidence that is not based on the approval of others.

    7. Forgive.

    True forgiveness means that you accept the reality of what happened without an emotional charge. You recognize the healing and growth you have achieved from working through the upsetting experience, and you wish healing and growth for the other person.

    My pet sitter was distraught by her scheduling mistake and begged me to forgive her. I knew she would never intentionally cause harm to any living thing. I also knew how devastated I would be if I was the one who had made such a mistake.

    And so I did. I forgave her.

    Practice forgiving others and releasing the toxic resentment that hurts your heart. Forgive yourself too; we all make mistakes at one time or another. Making a habit of forgiveness frees you to move on with your life and experience higher levels of inner peace.

    You: Calm, Clear, and Confident

    Life’s hard when things go wrong.

    Feeling shocked, anxious, and dejected is no fun.

    But practicing these habits when times are fairly good will enhance your life and help you stay strong during the hard times.

    Imagine being in the middle of a disappointment or a crisis and being able to move swiftly through the shock and stress rather than getting stuck there.

    Imagine feeling calm, clear, and confident during difficult circumstances instead of confused and overwhelmed.

    Imagine even reaching a state of inner peace as you take action to make things right again.

    Some of these concepts are easier to turn into habits than others, and they all take time to master.

    But if you will pick even one and start practicing, you will become stronger, wiser, and more resilient no matter what life throws at you.

    If I can do it, you can too.

  • How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure

    How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Ah, closure. That feeling of vindication, or a sense of completion—it can be very enticing!

    There are times when seeking resolution is really important. If we are having an argument with our partner, settling it can help strengthen our relationship. If we are having a disagreement over a contract, determining the outcome may be required to continue with the project at hand.

    In these types of situations, seeking resolution is very relevant.

    That said, there are loads of situations that occur in life in which we seek closure, even though it does not really serve us. As a matter of fact, this desire can hold us back.

    When we feel we’ve been done wrong, we want resolution. The size or type of infraction may not matter. We want to know who is guilty of the offense, or, if we know who the culprit is, we want to know why they did it.

    Here’s the catch: It’s pretty common to feel like this resolution is necessary to move forward.

    Many moons ago I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be quite unsavory. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone through my wallet, made note of my credit card info, and was using two of my cards to finance what I can only describe as a shopping addiction.

    I was not using the cards at all, so was not expecting to see bills, and since he consistently arrived home before I did, he was able to get the bills from the mailbox before I ever saw them.

    I did not learn of his deception until we broke up for other reasons.

    Besides dealing with typical breakup emotions, I also had to face the reality of this man’s ability to lie to me and steal from me.

    Yes, the relationship went south, but I thought we’d had love and respect between us, and, well, enough integrity to not commit crimes against one another.

    I wanted him to account for his behavior; I wanted an apology; I wanted him to explain to me how he could have behaved in such a despicable manner toward anyone, much less me, his girlfriend (at the time).

    Unsurprisingly, I didn’t get any of that.

    I was rocked by this for quite some time. It took me months to realize that the reason I wasn’t getting over it was because I was still waiting for him to explain, apologize, or something. I realized that if I wanted to let it go, I was also going to have to let go of my desire for him to admit he was a mega jerk.

    We want to feel in the right. We want it to be recognized that we were done wrong. If possible, we want an admission of guilt.

    However, in looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”

    What we actually desire is an internal, emotional shift. We want to feel better!

    We already know we can’t expect the outside world to take care of our feelings. Let’s apply that knowledge to resolution as well.

    Here’s how I got over the thieving boyfriend situation, and it’s a formula I continue to remind myself of whenever I begin to feel like I can’t move past an experience until satisfaction is mine.

    Acknowledge that something crappy happened.

    Yes, it totally sucks when a formerly good friend stops returning our calls and texts. And it can be life-altering when we are let go from a job, despite receiving positive feedback on our performance review.

    It’s important not to pretend. Sometimes we rush past the feelings that are present in an attempt to appear uncaring (unhurt, really), or like we have it handled. Getting back on the horse is great and all, but let’s first acknowledge that it hurt when we were knocked off!

    Having feelings doesn’t make us less able to handle tough stuff, or to come up with great solutions. It just means we’re human.

    Identify all the feelings you do have.

    If the situation is minor, it may be one or two feelings. For more intense events, it can take a while to pinpoint all of them.

    This is essential, because identification and recognition go hand-in-hand. In doing this, we’re accepting that we are feeling these emotions. This sort of self-acknowledgment is crucial.

    By the way, we’re the only ones who get to decide what is major, or minor, for us. We’re all unique, and we’ve all had different experiences that have helped mold who we are. Something that is minor for one may be major for another, and vice versa. That’s okay.

    The point is not to compare the experience we are having to how others would react; it’s to self-process and move forward.

    Release the need for outside meditation of any sort.

    This is not about forgiveness. It’s not about taking the high road, either. Those options both involve the other person. This is about us, and what we want.

    It is simply about asserting that we can move forward regardless of what is happening (or what doesn’t happen) in the outside world. We can use affirmations, or meditation, or whatever tools work for us for energy release.

    When we are looking for resolution from the outside world, we are also seeking acknowledgement. Learning to self-acknowledge is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.

    Whether you use the tips above, or another recipe that works for you, let’s choose to move forward. We are the one who will benefit, and we’re the only ones who will suffer if we don’t.

  • Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    Life Isn’t Always Fair: 5 Steps to Accept Tough Situations

    “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    I hate my life! It’s a phrase that’s used by teenagers and adults alike. Sometimes we use it for dramatic effect and sometimes we mean this literally.

    When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago and said “I hate my life!” I meant every word. I hated it so much that there were times I didn’t think it was worth living.

    The depression was incapacitating. The hypomania disguised itself as extreme anxiety and irrational fears.

    In order to stay alive, I had to accept my illness, let go of what I wanted my life to be, and have faith that the future would take care of itself.

    Here are five things I’ve learned so far on my journey of accepting a life that isn’t fair and never will be.

    1. Recognize the problem.

    Right before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I tried to be everything to everyone. I gave 100% at work, I gave 100% to my family, and I gave 100% to whatever else needed me.

    I came to find out that giving 300% is impossible. Something had to give. That something was me.

    I had a breakdown. Several of them, actually, because right after I recovered from one, before long I found myself going back to giving 300%. I lost count of the number of times I was admitted to an acute treatment facility for days at a time.

    At last I realized that living life this way was going to kill me. I couldn’t accept that I had an illness. I couldn’t accept that I had to slow down. I couldn’t accept that I wasn’t perfect.

    Because of that I didn’t want to be alive. The pain of living with a mental illness can result in that type of thinking.

    Sometimes we have to make a choice: pretend that nothing is wrong and then continually deal with the consequences, or acknowledge the problem and face it head-on.

    2. Do something about it.

    Once I accepted the fact that I wasn’t like many people who can handle work stress, be a part-time single parent, and do whatever else is needed, I grudgingly started making changes. I resigned from my job as a newspaper reporter, left co-workers who had become good friends, and started working at home.

    I spent more time taking care of myself. I started meeting with a meditation teacher who taught me how to accept what is. She showed me ways to calm anxiety and ride the wave of depression, knowing that it would eventually pass.

    When life changes, we need to become aware that there are always more choices. They might not be the choices we want, but there are always choices. Open your mind, look around, and you’ll find many more courses of action than the obvious ones in front of you.

    3. Let others help.

    When I was going through depression and was unable to do everyday tasks or even take care of my children, it was hard for me to ask for help.

    “I should be able to do this on my own.” “I don’t want to bother anyone or be a bother.” These were my thoughts as I beat myself up after I had to ask for help.

    It occurred to me after awhile that most people enjoy helping others. It makes them feel good. I know whenever someone comes to me asking for help, and if I’m able to, I feel good about myself afterwards.

    In fact, altruism is one of the main factors in achieving happiness, according to a book I read called What Happy People Know by Dan Baker.

    Just think, by asking for help you may actually be helping the other person.

    4. Take ownership.

    After I sought out psychiatric help for my illness/behavior, I expected my therapist and doctor to make it change. I insisted they make it change. I got angry because they couldn’t change it.

    “They weren’t trying hard enough.” “They didn’t understand me.” “If they would just listen!” These were the thoughts that I had as I struggled during the roughest times of my illness.

    Finally I was able to grasp the fact that they couldn’t change it. At first it frightened me. These were professionals. They studied, worked, and knew more than I did and they couldn’t fix it.

    Wait a minute. Then why even bother dealing with them? It was useless, hopeless. I wasn’t strong enough to handle this.

    These were all lies I told myself. Because after eight years of therapy I actually knew quite a bit. I learned skills that had helped me through the darkest moments of my life.

    Just like a teacher can’t follow a student around for the rest of his or her life reading books to them and watching over them as they write a paper, my therapist couldn’t come home with me and hold my hand through every problem I faced. She is the most supportive person in my life, but she couldn’t do it for me.

    Eventually it was up to me to use the skills I had been taught.

    When my anxiety rose to excruciating levels, I remembered to go to a quiet place (usually my bathroom) and breathe through the panic until it subsided. I learned that it wasn’t going to last forever, eventually it would pass and I just had to ride it out.

    It’s important to learn skills from people who have more experience with your problem, but it’s up to you to put them into action. It will be scary at first doing them on your own, but the more you do it the more confident you will become.

    5. Change what you can and accept the rest.

    I was forced to make changes to my lifestyle in order to achieve and remain stabilized. I may have lost my job, but I gained a life.

    I accepted that I have an illness that isn’t going away. There is treatment but no cure for bipolar disorder. I have faced the fact that I will have to deal with depression, hypomania, and anxiety throughout the rest of my life.

    I learned coping skills and take prescribed medication to minimize my symptoms, and it’s made living with the illness bearable.

    Acceptance didn’t make my illness go away, but it relieved a big part of my suffering as I became aware of the steps I had to take. I have faith that I will be able to live with the unpredictability of my illness.

    These are five steps to accept you are not where (or who) you want to be.

    Acknowledge the fact that you might have to come up with another plan. Before you know it, you may find yourself thinking about the past and wondering why you didn’t want it to change, because your present definitely works better.

  • How to Deal with Unfairness and Change the Things You Can

    How to Deal with Unfairness and Change the Things You Can

    “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” ~Mary Engelbreit

    Many times in the past, I’ve complained that things weren’t fair.

    Sometimes I was legitimately wronged—like when I was a kid and an adult in my life regularly told people lies about me, seemingly to justify her disdain and mistreatment.

    Other times, I victimized myself to avoid taking responsibility—like when I didn’t prepare well and bombed at a community theater audition but attributed my failure to favoritism.

    As an indignant adolescent, I blamed many of my difficult early experiences for the perpetual chip on my shoulder. I bemoaned the injustices of the world because I felt so many befell me.

    It wasn’t my fault that I was angry all the time; there was just a lot to be bitter about. At least that’s what I thought back then.

    One day, when I was commiserating with a friend who was upset about a seemingly unfair situation in her life, I wondered: What good does this do us?

    Grumbling about injustice doesn’t make things just, and the ensuing hostility doesn’t help us effectively address things that need fixing.

    You can’t create positive change from a negative mindset. You have to heal your pain before you can set out to heal the world. And you have to stop seeing yourself as a victim if you want to access your personal power.

    Still, despite knowing this and making a conscious effort to change, I still feel an instinctively strong and irate response to perceived unfairness at times.

    If a friend gets passed over for a promotion because it went to the boss’s daughter, I feel outraged for that friend.

    If I see someone hit a parked car and speed away, I seriously consider following them and issuing a citizen’s arrest.

    If I believe someone is earning boatloads of money unethically, I ruminate on how it’s not right, and wish I could do something to stop it.

    I think it’s wrong when someone cuts in line; it’s wrong when someone bucks a system; it’s wrong when systems don’t do what they’re supposed to… the list goes on and on.

    I’m learning to understand my strong emotional response so that I can challenge the feelings and thoughts that disempower me. If you’d like to do the same, you may find this post helpful.

    Our Biological Response to Unfairness

    While we all learned about fairness in childhood, scientists have proven we’re actually hardwired for it.

    Studies have shown that the reward centers of our brains activate when we recognize fairness, even when it pertains to someone else. When we witness unfairness, it triggers our amygdala, the primitive part of the brain that controls fear and anger.

    This means that when we feel like we’ve been treated unfairly, we go into fight-or-flight mode, with its resulting sense of anxiety.

    Psychologists suggest that when we fight for fairness for others, it’s actually self-interest in disguise, meaning we’ve recognized it provides us with some type of advantage to be fair.

    No matter how you slice it, we experience a strong, instant physical and biological reaction to perceived injustices, and this can limit our ability to think rationally and respond proactively.

    Life Isn’t Always Fair

    Every day, we have abundant opportunity to recognize injustice, on scales large and small, in our own lives and the lives of people we love.

    You could find out you make less than someone else in the same job.

    You could lose a promotion to someone else who is far less qualified.

    You could lose a court case when it feels obvious someone else was in the wrong.

    You could discover that a friend of yours is losing her savings because her accountant mismanaged her money.

    You could learn that someone you trusted to care for your mother took advantage of her good nature.

    You could find out that your sister’s losing her home because of predatory lending.

    And this doesn’t even touch upon the massive injustices happening all over the world, far outside the scope of our everyday experience.

    Life isn’t always fair. Whether it’s self-preservation, basic human decency, or a combination of both, we want to change that.

    In some cases, we can. We are not powerless, and we don’t have to simply accept every injustice as an unavoidable part of life.

    We do, however, need to accept that our response to perceived wrongs affects our ability to right them.

    Dealing with Unfairness

    Those people who don’t let unfairness make them bitter aren’t somehow better than others.

    They aren’t necessarily people who haven’t experienced severe injustice or inequality, and they also aren’t people who simply accept whatever happens without ever taking a stand.

    The people who handle unfairness well possess three things in common:

    • They think rationally before they act.
    • They recognize the difference between what they can control and what they can’t.

    Stopping Obsessive Thinking

    Dwelling on unfairness doesn’t do anything to change it; it actually affects our ability to do that since obsessive thinking drains our energy, magnifies our emotions, and keeps us more focused on problems than solutions.

    This has been the biggest challenge for me, as I’ve found it almost satisfying at times to think about things that seem wrong, as if this is productive.

    If you struggle with this as well, recognize when you start fixating on blaming thoughts, and visualize a stop sign in your head. Then repeat an affirmation along the lines of, “This isn’t productive. It is what it is, and I can either accept it or try to change it.”

    Thinking Rationally Before Acting

    In order to think rationally, we need to recognize that our biological reaction is just that, and consciously choose not to let it dictate our actions.

    According to psychologist and author Marcia Reynolds, when we feel slighted or cheated, and react emotionally, we then use our logical brain to rationalize that response. For example, we may tell ourselves, “I snapped, but he deserved it!”

    We can be far more effective if we use our logical brain first, before we do something we’ll later regret.

    In some cases, when we think rationally, we may realize an unfair situation is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things—when someone cuts us off and runs a red light, for example.

    It’s annoying, but is it really worth fuming during a car ride that could otherwise be pleasant?

    Other times we’ll still feel strongly that we need to fight for justice, but this doesn’t require us to act with aggression. It requires calm, careful planning and acting… if it’s something we can, in fact, control. This leads to the last step.

    Knowing What We Can Control and Doing Something About It

    We can’t change mistreatment that happened in the past. We can address mistreatment that’s happening now.

    We can’t change someone else’s decision or behavior if they aren’t willing to change. We can change how we respond to them (and choose to help educate and positively influence them).

    We can’t change that tragedies have occurred, in our own lives or in places across the globe. We can support causes that seek to prevent future tragedies, or even spearhead our own.

    And we can’t guarantee specific outcomes for our actions, but we can increase our odds of making a difference by being clear-headed, patient, and consistent.

    Sometimes there will be unfair things that we simply need to accept, and it might feel instinctive to fight that. We’re only human, and we will sometimes give in to our emotional responses.

    What’s important is that we try to move beyond them so we don’t let the things we can’t control take control of us.