Tiny Buddha

Tag: transformation

  • 4 Lessons on Embracing a Major Life Change

    4 Lessons on Embracing a Major Life Change

    In a Field

    “If you’re not terrified of the next step, you eyes are still closed. A caged bird in a boundless sky.” ~Jed McKenna

    It was day two of living at the Zen Center. Sitting on the side of the dirt path, I had my head buried in my knees.

    “I can’t do this babe,” I cried to my husband.

    Just 12 days prior to this, I was a corporate banker and real estate agent in Phoenix. Now, I was a full-time Zen student deep in the mountains of Carmel Valley, working in the dining room and serving summer resort guests.

    “I’ve never even waitressed before. I sat in front of a computer the past decade doing seemingly important work. And now—now, I’m scraping food into a compost bin?” I sniffled.

    An hour before then, I’d held back tears the entire time as the dining room crew head was showing me how to set up a tea table and fill tea caddies.

    Before coming to Carmel Valley, we’d rented out our comfortable, suburbia five-bedroom, three-bath home. Now, we were living in a 10 x 8 rustic Japanese cabin at the base of a canyon, completely offline from the digital world.

    I was sharing a bathroom with 10 other women.

    “I’m not a nature girl either. I can’t sleep alongside spiders. Each time I close my eyes, I see a creepy crawler,” I continued to vent, in between an endless stream of tears, gasping for air to get all the words out. “I grew up in suburbia with pest control.”

    This life was a radical change. It felt like I’d decided to go cliff jumping—and there was no net.

    My conscious decision to leave all the worldly ambitions behind and take this sabbatical year came from my deep belief in taking a pause. Iknew on so many levels that I needed to be there. (more…)

  • 3 Little Questions to Help You Deal with Life’s Big Changes

    3 Little Questions to Help You Deal with Life’s Big Changes

    “Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” ~Karen Kaiser Clark

    Change happens.

    It’s often unnoticed, or it may simply be a slight nuisance. It’s sometimes uncomfortable, or excruciatingly painful. Once in a while, it’s life-changing. But it’s also transforming.

    Sometimes I awake in the morning or I simply look out the window into the woods, and I realize I’m not the person I was the day before, or even a moment ago.

    That realization brings me such pleasure, to know that I am becoming a better version of me than I was. The newness, the now-ness, the opportunities to continuously morph into who I want to be is, at moments, mind-blowing. I appreciate this sort of change.

    Everything changes. But we forget this, constantly. That’s because it’s sometimes downright scary to think about change.

    Sure, we like the good changes—we appreciate the little ones and celebrate the big ones. But the bad ones, none of us likes those, however small they may be or even how much we may wish them away.

    We become irritated when a construction zone causes us to take another route to work. We get angry when people don’t do what they said they would do. We are deeply pained when people decide they no longer want us in their lives. We grieve uncontrollably and inconsolably, and understandably so.

    When I think about it, I realize I am very attached to specific expectations, certain ways of being, and the people I love most dearly.

    This attachment, while often pleasurable and a source of such happiness, also causes me to feel discomfort and pain, to act simply out of habit or from fear, and to worry and grieve.

    Some changes are big. (more…)

  • We Have to Let Go of Who We Are to Discover Who We Can Become

    We Have to Let Go of Who We Are to Discover Who We Can Become

    “When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lau Tzu

    In the spring of last year, a number of events challenged my sense of self and my sense of direction.

    In March I realized my tax liability would be much larger than I’d anticipated, effectively depleting my entire savings account. The next month I had my first major surgery, something that terrified me and further burdened me financially.

    Less than a month later, while my boyfriend was on a vacation I had to miss because I was recovering, a burglar broke into my apartment and stole everything of significant financial value that I owned.

    One month later my grandmother passed away, surrounded by her closest family members. I’d missed the majority of the last decade of her life, but still, I was there.

    Never before in my life had I experienced so much loss in one season. It was an overwhelming, emotionally challenging time.

    And then, without really understanding my intentions, I tossed another loss onto the heap: I stopped writing every day for this blog, as I’d done previously for almost three years.

    A part of me felt this urge to write about the same things over and over. So many times I started blog posts about how I felt uncertain, scared, lost, and sometimes, empty.

    I’d write about my inner conflict over living 3,000 miles away from my family, with my boyfriend who’s from California, and how badly I wanted to move home after my grandmother’s death.

    I’d write about how directionless I felt, with no desire to make any of the professional choices other bloggers often make—mentoring, coaching, or leading workshops.

    I’d write about how ironic it was that so many people emailed me for advice about their lives, when in that moment in time, I had so little clarity about my own.

    And then I’d stop. Three or four paragraphs in, I’d shut my computer, realizing I had no endings for those posts, and considering that maybe that was okay. (more…)

  • You Will Not Be The Same Person When You Achieve Your Goal

    You Will Not Be The Same Person When You Achieve Your Goal

    “The journey is the reward.” ~Chinese Proverb

    When you set goals, you naturally focus on the result. If you pay attention to the desired achievement, you will discover the path to get there. However, the value you gain from achieving the goal isn’t just about the reward of accomplishment.

    Once you achieve a significant goal, you will not be the same person you were when you set out on the journey. The process of achieving your goal and the experience you have gained will have changed you. This is why the journey is the reward.

    If you set the goal of losing forty pounds and you get there, you will have gained more than the results of looking good and having spiked interest from the opposite sex.

    In order to lose the weight, you needed to lead a very disciplined and focused lifestyle. You needed to take charge of your diet and ensure you did not lapse into old eating habits. You needed to work out regularly and efficiently, and actually make serious gains in the gym.

    A great body is not just a thing you have; it is a lifestyle you lead. Adopting that lifestyle is the key benefit.

    How many people actually make the necessary sacrifices and do the hard work required to lose serious weight? Not nearly as many as the number who set the goal. Taking those steps changes both the mind and body.

    The reward is not just the tangible change in your body. It is the journey that has given you improved discipline and willpower.

    Exactly the same applies to the goal of quitting your job and running your own business. Everyone dreams about it, but very few people do it. Those who are successful have not just won the prize of being their own boss and earning a better income.

    The long hours they have worked, the risks they have taken with their time and money, the fear and uncertainty of whether it was going to work—these things changed them.

    It took me four years of working on my online business part-time before it earned me enough money to kiss the desk goodbye. The money is not the prize; it is the time and freedom I now have. But if those things had just fallen into my lap without any effort or sacrifice on my behalf, I would not be able to appreciate them in the same way.

    I would still have been the same person I used to be. (more…)

  • The Transformative Powers of Pain: Healing from Abuse

    The Transformative Powers of Pain: Healing from Abuse

    “Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” ~Jean Paul Sartre

    We all have our stories of how people have wronged us and caused pain. Allow me to tell you mine.

    I’m a survivor of abuse: mental, emotional, physical, and sexual. I was born into a family of abusers and witnessed it from the day I was born until age sixteen.

    As a child, I thought my family was perfect. However, when I was twelve years old, I realized just how truly dysfunctional my family was. It was as if a light bulb went off and the image of my “perfect family” was crushed.

    This realization led me into a deep spiral of depression and rebellion which entailed running away from home, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and experimenting with drugs.

    Needless to say, my future was looking bleak and my behavior was worsening.

    I had no one to turn to, and my home life was only getting worse. As I developed more into a woman, my father started to make sexual advances at me, and when I was fifteen, openly admitted that he was in love with me.

    My mother was another other story. She disconnected and completely isolated herself from communicating with anyone in the house, including my brother, father, and me.

    While my parents’ relationship completely fell apart, the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in the house became more frequent. I witnessed my mother stabbing my father, and constant fistfights happened between them.

    The police were constantly being called and one if not both of my parents were arrested for domestic violence numerous times.

    It wasn’t easy growing up in an abusive home, but eventually I found new ways to cope and deal with the circumstances I was born in. I realized that if I couldn’t change my home life that at least I could work on my life outside of it.

    Tenth grade was the year that changed my life forever.

    I signed up for many after-school clubs and programs, joined the soccer team, and started to focus more on my studies. I tried to fill my schedule up as much as possible to avoid going home.

    One day I came home to find my parents arguing, which eventually turned into a fistfight, and my brother and I got the brunt of it. I remember my father punching me straight in the face and me yelling at my brother to call the police. (more…)

  • Finding the Flow: Growing into Your Whole, Authentic Self

    Finding the Flow: Growing into Your Whole, Authentic Self

    “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

    I was around twelve years old as I sat in the career day presentation. I can’t remember one word that was said. It might as well have been the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons speaking in that esoteric adult language.

    It was the day I made my first practical life decision. In seventh grade, I boldly decided I would be a dentist—for absolutely no meaningful reason. I chose because society was insisting upon it.

    I held onto this idea for a decade before entering dental school. I did exceptionally well, but two years in, I realized that something wasn’t right. Turns out, I hated general dentistry.

    However, it was the path I had chosen, so I stuck with it.

    I completed school and decided to pursue the challenging path of oral and maxillofacial surgery. It was exciting, and exhausting, and…empty.

    Two years in, I realized something wasn’t right.

    I didn’t hate it, but it didn’t quite resonate with me in a way I felt it should. Nonetheless, I stuck with it because it was the path I had chosen. I declared I was to be an oral surgeon and come hell or high water that was what I would be.

    I finished my residency and started my professional career. After thirteen years of education, you would think there would be a sense of accomplishment and relief. There was, but unfortunately, it was short-lived.

    Two years later, I realized something wasn’t right. Again.

    That was around the time I started exploring my creative self again—the self I had put on on hold for twenty years while pursuing a career path that I mistakenly believed defined me. I finally understood that I had to give myself permission to be a work in progress – to evolve beyond a definition of self that didn’t quite fit. (more…)

  • Giveaway and Interview: Saying Yes to Change

    Giveaway and Interview: Saying Yes to Change

    Editor’s Note: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. Subscribe to Tiny Buddha to receive free daily or weekly emails and to learn about future giveaways!

    The Winners:

    Have you ever formed a friendship with someone whose beliefs differ from yours only to realize you have quite a bit in common?

    This is exactly the type of friendship I’ve formed with Alex Blackwell. We’ve had many of the same experiences, and formed many of the same insights, but we’ve found peace and comfort in different understandings of spirituality.

    Alex runs The Bridge Maker, where he shares his lessons about creating meaningful change. Though Alex’s writing often reflects his Christian faith, it always comes straight from his heart and includes lessons that anyone can apply to their circumstances.

    When Alex asked me to read his first book, Saying Yes to Change, I immediately felt intrigued. While I didn’t connect with some of the parts related to faith, I felt connected to Alex in reading his stories, and grateful for his courage in sharing himself so honestly.

    Loaded with practical tips and gentle encouragement, Saying Yes to Change is an uplifting guide to transformation. It’s my honor to share with you an interview with my friend Alex.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win 1 of 2 free copies of Saying Yes to Change:

    • Leave a comment below.
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Book GIVEAWAY & Interview: Saying Yes to Change http://bit.ly/KyH40n

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, June 15th. (more…)

  • Being Patient through Transformation: Trust, Change, Believe

    Being Patient through Transformation: Trust, Change, Believe

    “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” ~Charles R. Swindoll

    Ever noticed a chrysalis hidden within its cocoon? The final few moments before it emerges as a butterfly compose what science terms as metamorphosis, a transformation.

    If you have been lucky enough to observe this process, which I highly recommend watching, you’d notice it has to struggle quite a bit before it gets all the attention for being the magnificent creature it is.

    It’s long and painful. However, while watching it, you may be tempted to clip off the outer covering of the chrysalis with a pair of scissors. And you might do it, thinking you’re doing it a favor. But when it finally emerges, you’d be sorely disappointed.

    The chrysalis’ covering holds within its shell vital fluids that are important to its wing formation. But your act of kindness, of clipping that outer shell deprives it of that, and as a result, the butterfly that emerges is crippled, deformed, and nothing like the butterfly it was supposed to be.

    On the other hand, if you can muster up the patience to watch this metamorphosis take place, without any intervention from your side, you’ll see one of the most beautiful miracles of nature, and one of life’s best lessons.

    Our lives are journeys to this same type of metamorphosis, to find a sense of purpose in life. We cannot achieve this without the difficult situations or the pain that life often brings in generous doses.

    Each one of us has had to let go of a dream, compromise, and experience pain and the entire gamut of emotions that an undesirable change can bring. But by no means did it ever spell the end of all dreams.

    I graduated from law school with big dreams to help the world, to fight for justice, and to make a difference with my education, because I considered myself fortunate to have had an academic training— unlike the millions of other kids who haven’t had a chance to study at all.

    I joined the non-profit sector with high hopes and zero expectations of financial rewards, because all I wanted was to make a difference. But life had other plans, as it always does.

    Eight months down the line, I quit my job over the lack of work ethics. I couldn’t stand to compromise my principles, or to allow myself to be manipulated for what I held to be good and true. That was the end of a long cherished dream. It was a difficult decision because it certainly didn’t look good on a resume! (more…)

  • How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Using Affirmations

    How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Using Affirmations

    “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” ~Buddha

    I used to teach Adult Upgrading. My students were people who had never completed grade school and/or high school. For a variety of reasons, they were now ready to try it again.

    New students would say, “I wasn’t ever any good at school.” “I can’t do math.” “I hate fractions.”

    It’s my belief that our self-talk is programming ourselves for our statements to be true.

    Those students thought they’d been stating the facts, not revealing programmed beliefs.

    My work was less about teaching math than it was about coaching them toward a change in their beliefs about themselves.

    “I never again want to hear you say you’re not good at math,” I’d say. I’d ask them to switch to “I’m learning math” or “I’m getting better at math” or “I’m working on fractions.”

    I’d help them start to notice their own negative self-talk and then transform it into positive statements. “Sure it sounds weird. So humor me,” I’d have to say. “Yes, I know it doesn’t feel like it’s true. Not yet, anyway.” They’d roll their eyes at me.

    I’ve read that schools teach fractions before many of our brains are developmentally ready to cope at that conceptual level. I believe this, because I’ve met so many people whose problems in school began around the time fractions were introduced.

    Children’s developing self-images are vulnerable. Once children begin to feel stupid about a school subject, the negative self-talk begins. It soon defeats their egos along with their will to learn. (more…)

  • Starting a New Life: The Courage of a Seed

    Starting a New Life: The Courage of a Seed

    “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” ~Lao Tzu

    At lunch the other day, a new friend and I were discussing changes in our lives and how everything feels very new and different.

    I remembered the most beautiful description Mark Nepo wrote in The Book of Awakening. Mark is a poet, and he sees the world through such a lovely light. His work opens my heart to images I’ve never thought about that are so compelling.

    I can see the way Mark describes the process of change in my own life. He compares change to the immense bravery of a seed being forced into the ground. He describes the painful experience he imagines the seed must endure as it splits apart and becomes something entirely different.

    Still deeply under the earth, the seedling struggles to find light, water, and nutrients for life. And one day, it emerges, not recognizable to those who only knew it as a seed. Yet it remembers the journey—the journey to something larger but unknown.

    I, like the seed, have felt the darkness of the unknown, the claustrophobia of being in a space I did not understand, the anxiety of being in a place I did not feel I had chosen.

    Without a job, without my identity in the world of business, I felt I might disappear, like the seed deep in the soil of my life. I struggled to trust my eventual transformation, feeling alone and yet filled with expectations for the future. (more…)