Tiny Buddha

Tag: tough

  • The Toughness Myth is a Lie: Hang On To Your Vulnerability

    The Toughness Myth is a Lie: Hang On To Your Vulnerability

    “Sensitive people should be treasured. They love deeply and think deeply about life. They are loyal, honest, and true. The simple things sometimes mean the most to them. They don’t need to change or harden. Their purity makes them who they are.” ~Unknown

    I can picture it perfectly—I was a freshman at the University of Notre Dame. It was my first semester at the school I’d dreamed of attending ever since I was a little girl. Everything felt new, and as I did the make-new-friends dance, I was hyperaware of how others perceived me.

    Standing in line to purchase football tickets with a group of girls from my dorm, I was listening intently to the conversation of intelligent humans discussing current events (Obama was running for president).

    I was suddenly reminded of a distressing image I had seen that morning of a family sitting outside of their home that had been foreclosed on due to the financial crisis. I blurted out, “I get so sad when I read the news. It can really just break my heart.”

    Suddenly, I felt the energy in the circle shift. There was no immediate response, and it was silent for what felt like an hour. One of my new acquaintances broke the silence, saying, “Wanna know what makes me happy? Have you guys been watching Grey’s Anatomy?” The conversation changed, and I stood in line, ashamed and not understanding why.

    If this scenario sounds familiar, you might possess the trait of emotional sensitivity. Emotional sensitivity is a term used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to describe a trait that causes individuals to feel more often and intensely.

    In other words, if you are emotionally sensitive, you feel a lot. Many people who identify as highly sensitive people (HSPs), empaths, and super feelers possess this trait. Emotional sensitivity is a genetic quality. The research indicates that if you are sensitive, you will carry this quality throughout your life.

    Sensitivity and Openness

    Emotionally sensitive folks tend to be more open and vulnerable than their non-sensitive peers. Many of my clients have been told that they “wear their heart on their sleeve” or are “too honest.”

    As an emotionally sensitive person, I relate so deeply to the experiences of my clients. As a young girl, I wanted to share my thoughts, worries, and excitement with the world around me.

    I remember that when I was twelve years old, I went to a beach in Santa Barbara with my family. I spent the whole day playing with a girl I had met—building sandcastles, doing somersaults into the waves, and catching and releasing sand crabs.

    When I returned to my parents to eat a sandy peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my dad said, “You make friends with someone anywhere we go.” This statement was validating; I liked being told that I was friendly.

    In high school, I was notorious for making situations “awkward” because I would instinctively call out dynamics as I perceived them (and, let’s be honest, so many high school dynamics are awkward).

    In college, I was curious about the experiences of my peers and encouraged openness in conversations; as a result, I frequently stood in the corner at parties having a “heart-to-heart” with a peer (who I realize now was probably also a fellow emotionally sensitive person).

    It’s safe to say that the people in my life were not shocked when I became a psychologist.

    When Society Squashes Your Vulnerability

    I find that many clients share similar stories of a childhood of openness. So… what’s the “problem” with this tendency?

    Sensitive people feel that, over time, they have lost this capacity to be vulnerable and authentic. As children, they approached life with openness and curiosity, but as adults, they often feel closed off and disconnected from their emotions.

    I believe this phenomenon is a result of the society we live in. In many cultures, we value “strength” over sensitivity.

    In their book Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much World, Jenn Granneman and Andre Sólo describe this attitude as The Toughness Myth.

    These authors, who both identify as HSPs, explain that sensitive people attempt to hide their temperament because they have been taught that “sensitivity is a flaw, only the strong survive, being emotional is a sign of weakness, empathy will get you taken advantage of, the more you endure, the better, [and] it’s shameful to rest or ask for help” (p. 25).

    In other words, emotionally sensitive people receive both explicit and implicit messaging throughout their lives that reiterates, “Don’t be vulnerable.” Who wants to lead with openness when you are going to get teased for it?

    Additionally, during childhood, many emotionally sensitive individuals learn that their natural openness is frequently misunderstood. They may feel they do not totally “fit in,” and the awkward silences at parties or the subtle moments of invalidation are frequently internalized, which results in profound feelings of shame.

    This shame can, over time, lead emotionally sensitive people to suppress their feelings (oftentimes through unhealthy means) or wear a social mask to “fit in.”

    Emotionally sensitive people find that the only way to “be strong” is to resort to maladaptive behaviors, such as substance use, eating disorder behaviors, overworking, or avoidance. The behaviors may help to numb feelings in the short term. The act of suppressing feelings can be so automatic that you may not even be aware that it is happening. The problem is that when we shut off our emotions, we also lose the ability to be vulnerable.

    A Reminder: Your Vulnerability Rocks

    When you consider the Toughness Myth, it is understandable that you, as an emotionally sensitive person, might feel yourself becoming less open over time.

    We exist in a society that often misunderstands or outright rejects vulnerability. When your natural openness is met with invalidation, it can really sting. It can be extremely painful to share something deeply personal, only to have people walk away or say, “Keep that to yourself” or “Stop worrying so much.” It is not surprising that a wave of shame might wash over you after experiencing these moments of invalidation over and over again.

    I write this article to remind you that, despite some of the messages you have received, your vulnerability is an incredible strength.

    Brené Brown, a psychologist who is well-known for her research on vulnerability and shame, reminds her audiences that vulnerability is the birthplace of love. Your ability to be vulnerable is what also allows you to feel a sense of belonging.

    When you are open, you demonstrate courage in a society that may not understand that vulnerability allows us to build spaces characterized by joy, empathy, and creativity. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you open up the possibility of deeper connections and more authentic interactions.

    I know it may sound a little cheesy, but I truly believe that your vulnerability is what can make this world a better place. Hold onto that, no matter what the haters say.

  • How to Get Through Hard Times Without Hurting People We Love

    How to Get Through Hard Times Without Hurting People We Love

    “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~Buddha

    Just the other day, I had one of those moments with my husband, and not the kind of moment they write about in romance novels.

    The world has been so different these last several months, and so many are feeling the effects of months of struggle, uncertainty, frustration, and limitations.

    I consider myself to be someone who works to see the positive, finds the silver living in situations, and believes in the best of people, and that things can and will always get better. But lately, that has been more of a struggle.

    My husband is amazing, and incredible in so many ways, but he is always the more likely to see the bottom falling out, expect bad things, and struggle with restrictions and limitations being placed on him.

    So, after trying really hard, and I mean really, really hard to stay positive, my better half kept dipping into the dumps, and I finally hit my wall.

    After sitting at lunch and realizing, I really don’t want to spend the rest of this day like this, I gave him an out from this tension and clear animosity growing with each passing minute. I told him to go see his friends, take time away from me, and try and let go of his frustration at least a little, even for a moment (in the hopes that it would also let me release some of mine).

    And then I walked out, somewhat dramatically, like they do in the movies, when you don’t even bother to look back. More like a huff.

    My first thought was that he is driving me crazy, which he has done consistently for almost thirty years, all while acknowledging that the last few months have been awful.

    I felt like I was fuming, and then came back to the question of “Why is it so hard right now? Why is he being like this? Why am I so bothered by him being like this? Why can’t we just figure it out and be gracious?”

    The plain and simple answer is, right now, things just kind of suck. Sugarcoating it seems to downplay the effects of what so many are experiencing, and it minimizes the struggle, which is quite real.

    Right now, we are experiencing a pandemic, which has shifted the entire world and its way of being, in a way few of us have ever known. We have seen economies struggling to keep up. Lives are being lost.  Quarantines have been put in place.

    There is no normal for so many, but somehow, we are still supposed to “act normal.”

    It’s a struggle and coping well can feel like a nearly impossible task, leaving people feeling like they are failing personally, during a time when they are already hurting in other ways. Family members are feeling impatient with one another. Couples are bickering more. People are quick to lose their temper and even quicker to feel anxious, sad, or angry at their lack of control right now.

    People are frustrated, they are scared. Times are uncertain, and there is a sense of gloom and doom that continues to hang over so many.

    There is a sense of powerlessness, and so many people continue to describe the feeling of being “stuck.”  Plans can’t really be made. Vacations can’t be had. Life as normal still ceases to exist, and no one can really say if, or when, things will gain some sense of consistency.

    We need to recognize how stressful that can be, not only for our mental well-being but also in our daily lives, as we interact with the ones we love most.

    So, for myself, after the dramatic exit and a few minutes of driving in the car, the more logical part of myself gained control for a moment.

    I realized that amid situations that feel chaotic, we all need a little “chaos coping checklist,” or maybe now it could be a “COVID coping checklist,” to help endure these stressful times that we are all working hard to get through, day by day. Here is mine.

    1. Stop. And breathe.

    Never underestimate the power you give yourself when you just stop and breathe. Allow yourself to pause and be deliberate with your breath. Take a few slow breaths to reconnect to yourself rather than just the heat of the moment. Let your breath fill you, guide you, and calm you.

    2. Acknowledge your emotions.

    Don’t deny yourself the right to feel angry, sad, or frustrated. And don’t deny your partner, friend, family, or colleague that right either. And definitely do not judge your emotion as not being worthy or valid. Our emotions are understandable given the current state of affairs, and they often clue us in to what we need, so listen to them, and honor them.

    3. Just because you love them, you don’t always have to like them.

    Remember you can love someone unconditionally and still feel angry with them, hurt by them, or want time or space apart from them.

    Couples together forever still have disagreements. Parents get frustrated by their children. Friends can rub each other the wrong way.

    We are human beings, prone to error and able to become easily overwhelmed at times. It is okay to not like the ones you love every moment of the day. Allowing yourself to remember that may help you focus on the love more, and the dislike less.

    4. Give yourself (and others) a break.

    Physically and mentally. Take a moment (or as many as you can and need) to remove yourself from a situation.

    Maybe you need to take a walk by yourself or go into another room and get lost in some music. Let yourself find a quiet spot and read something calming or inspiring, or go have that glass of wine and watch the rom-com or action movie you wanted to watch. Just take a break, you deserve it.

    5. Accept that it is okay to not be okay right now.

    Even if you are that person who always sees the rainbow after the storm, or the bright side to a situation, you may not feel able to do that right now. And that’s okay.

    Naturally, if even the cheerful ones in the room are feeling gloomy, the ones who are more likely to see the storm may feel they are drowning in it. Remind them too that it’s okay, and offer any support you can, if you are able. Someday, hopefully soon enough, we will all find our way back to okay.

    6. Give yourself and those you love the gift of compassion.

    No one out there is perfect, and we should never strive for perfection. Instead, strive to be better than you were before. If yesterday was hard, see what you can learn from it. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. If you need to forgive someone for snapping at you, or forgive yourself for being harsh, give that gift.

    Lighten the load you are carrying by replacing it with more compassion. Maybe right now isn’t the time for high unreachable expectations, but rather gentle exercises in kindness and consideration, for others, but especially for yourself.

    These are tough times. Maybe the best thing we can do for ourselves and the people we love is be understand that these “moments” will happen.

    Having these difficult moments with our loved ones, like I had myself, doesn’t mean you are somehow not the amazing person you are striving to be, or for that matter, that they aren’t either. It doesn’t mean you are somehow failing right now if you feel angry, scared, or worried. It means you’re human.

    7. Even in the midst of chaos, seek to find gratitude.

    During adversity and times when you feel unable to find your balance, gratitude can be a tool for comfort. It can remind you that even when you feel frustrated, doubtful, and stressed, you will find your blessings if you look for them.

    Maybe it’s that you have a family, even if they get on your nerves. Maybe you are grateful for that roof over your head that you so desperately long to escape from for a while. Maybe you are blessed to have a job where you can work from home, even if you would rather be at work.

    Gratitude can help ease your anxiety, and when the anxious feelings leave you feeling adrift in a storm, your ability to find blessings and feel grateful can ground you, and leave you feeling abundant, even during adversity.

    —

    The truth is, everyone is doing the best they can right now. Using a mental checklist for the times that leave us overwhelmed gives us a chance for structure amidst chaos. And using a checklist like this, shared and read by many, can remind everyone that the struggle is real, but we are all in this together.

    As for me, the very next day—after going through this whole checklist—the frustration lessened, the fuming went away, and I started looking for my silver lining again.

    I will try and follow this checklist as often as needed and be as gentle with my loved ones as I can, but also with myself so that my compassion is complete.

  • 5 Things to Stop Doing When You’re Struggling and Feeling Drained

    5 Things to Stop Doing When You’re Struggling and Feeling Drained

    “There is nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so don’t expect yourself to do so either.” ~Unknown

    Recently I’ve been spread incredibly thin, and, at times, I’ve felt stressed to the max.

    In addition to being at the tail end of a high-risk pregnancy, with complications, I’ve been working toward various new projects—not just for fulfillment but also because I’ve allowed the business side of running this site to slide for years. And I have a baby coming soon. It’s crucial that I revive what I’ve allowed to deflate because I’ll have a whole new life to provide for.

    There’s a lot I need to do over the next six weeks, before my scheduled C-section, and a lot I’ve failed to do over the previous weeks, largely because I’ve had many days when I’ve felt physically and emotionally incapable of rising to the challenge.

    To be fair, there’s also been a lot to enjoy and appreciate, and I know I am incredibly fortunate to be pregnant at all, and to have the opportunity to do so much professionally. But life has felt somewhat pressure-filled as of late, and along with many small wins have come many hours and days when I’ve felt drained and defeated.

    I recently realized that my best days all have certain things in common—little things I choose to do for my well-being, and a number of unhelpful habits I resist the urge to indulge. If you’re also struggling, personally or professionally, and feeling drained, perhaps my lessons will be helpful to you too.

    5 Things to Stop Doing When You’re Struggling and Feeling Drained

    1. Stop comparing your struggle to anyone else’s.

    Over a year ago an old friend of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s the same age as I am, and she’s someone I’ve long admired, even though we’ve fallen out of touch beyond occasional interactions on social media.

    She’s left unfulfilling jobs, despite the financial risk involved; walked away from relationships that weren’t right for her, even while engaged, when it would have been easier to stay; and jumped out of more than 100 planes, each leap representative of the courage that guides her every inspiring, bold life choice.

    She’s faced cancer with the type of bravery I’ve come to expect from her, coupled with an honesty and vulnerability about her fears that, to me, displays even more strength. But still, I know it’s been grueling.

    As I sit here in my own very fortunate circumstances—at the same as age as her—I often tell myself I have no reason to be struggling. My current experience couldn’t even be termed a struggle compared to what she’s been through. I should just suck it up when I’m having a hard day and push myself through any tiredness or discomfort. Because I’m lucky.

    But the reality is, I still have hard days. I am still going through a high-risk pregnancy, juggling a lot, and dealing with a host of fears and physical symptoms that require my compassion.

    I wouldn’t compare my hard days to her devastating year—there’s clearly no comparison—but the point is, I don’t have to.

    I’m allowed to experience the feelings and struggles associated with my current life circumstances even if someone else’s are far more tragic. And so are you.

    Many may have it “worse,” but why compare and judge? If it helps alleviate self-pity so you can find the perspective and strength you need to keep going, then by all means, make comparisons. But if it only serves to minimize your feelings and needs, try to remember that two people can have completely different situations, and both can need and deserve compassion equally.

    2. Stop focusing on things that aren’t priorities.

    When we’re going through a tough time, we need to get extra-discriminating about what truly matters and what doesn’t. If we exhaust ourselves with the non-essential, we’ll have little energy for the things that can actually move the dial in the areas of our life that most need our attention.

    I remember when I had surgery to remove uterine fibroids seven years back. I knew I needed to take it easy or else I’d prolong my healing, but I also felt the overwhelming urge to maintain order in my environment. I’m a control freak. It’s what I do.

    I remember there was a pair of shoes next to the door, where shoes didn’t usually go, and not only that, they were askew. The horror!

    I was one day out of surgery, my lower stomach stitched together after being sliced across the middle, yet I still felt the need to slowly lower myself so I could put those shoes in the closet—even though it was painful to do so. My mother, who was visiting to help me, pointed out the insanity, and I knew she was right.

    I now think of those shoes whenever I am struggling physically or emotionally, and I ask myself, what else really doesn’t need to be immediately done, or do I not actually have to do myself?

    Can the dishes wait till the morning? Or can I get someone else to do them? Does every email in my inbox need a response—and immediately? Can I say no to some requests? Can I simplify my daily routine? What do I really need to do for myself, physically, emotionally, and professionally? And what do I just want to do because I think I should, to feel ahead of the curve, or on top of things, or good about how much I’m checking off my to-do list?

    Scaling back can feel like failure, especially if you’re Type A, like me, but sometimes we have to prioritize so we can use the limited energy we have wisely. If we don’t, we risk busting open our “stitches,” whether that means physical burnout or an emotional breakdown, and then we set ourselves back even further.

    3. Stop expecting yourself to do what you could do before.

    Maybe you were far more physically active or productive before (I know I was). Or you were the person anyone could call any time, any day, whenever they needed an ear or a hand. Or you were everyone’s go-to person for a night out when they needed to blow off some steam.

    It’s easy to cling to our sense of identity when we feel it slipping away. Not only do we mourn who we used to be, fearing this change may be permanent, we worry other people may not like this new version of ourselves—this person who’s far less fun or far more needy.

    But the thing is, we’re not who we were before. We’re in a new chapter, facing new circumstances and challenges, and our evolving needs won’t go away just because we ignore or neglect them.

    I’m not going to sugar coat this: It just plain sucks when you can’t do the things you once enjoyed. My boyfriend has had multiple knee surgeries and ongoing knee problems, and my heart breaks for him knowing he may never be able to do certain things he loves again, like playing basketball.

    But he’s accepted his limitations and found new things to do that check off some of the same boxes. He works out on an elliptical to stay in shape and rehab his knee. He throws himself into fantasy football to scratch his competitive itch. And he sweats it out in the sauna to help blow off some steam.

    As for me, I’m not going to yoga classes at the moment because I don’t have the time or energy, and I’m also not getting as much done as I once did on a daily basis. But I count my lucky stars that I’ll someday be able to do these things again, even if not for a while after the baby comes.

    It’s natural to grieve losses, temporary or permanent, big or small, but eventually we need to accept reality and then ask ourselves, “How can I work with the way things are instead of resisting them?” Otherwise, we cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary stress—and it doesn’t help or change anything.

    4. Stop pushing yourself when you need to take it easy.

    We all do it, or at least I suspect we do: We minimize our physical and emotional needs because we judge ourselves for having them. We think we should be able to do more. Maybe because other people in similar situations are doing more. Or because we just plain expect a lot from ourselves.

    But the thing is, telling yourself you shouldn’t be exhausted doesn’t make you better able to function through your tiredness. Demeaning yourself for needing a break doesn’t make you any more productive or effective. And belittling yourself for feeling whatever you feel doesn’t immediately transform your emotions.

    If you’re tired, you need rest. If you’re drained, you need a break. If you’re hurting, you need your own compassion. And nothing will change for the better until you give yourself what you need.

    I get that we can’t always instantly drop everything to take good care of ourselves, especially when other people are depending on us. But we can usually create small pockets of time for self-care by alleviating our self-imposed pressure and prioritizing our needs.

    Recently I’ve been embracing the idea of mini-self-care practices. It’s not easy for me, because I have a tendency to be very all-or-nothing. But sometimes, small things can make a big difference.

    I might not have time for an hour nap, but I can rest my eyes for fifteen minutes. I might not be able to clock in 10,000 steps, but I can take a walk around the block. I may not have the time to journal about my feelings for an hour, but I can jot down three worries and three potential solutions to help calm my mind.

    And sometimes, I just need to find a way to do more for my own well-being, whether that means cancelling a commitment or asking someone for help.

    It’s tempting to push ourselves, especially if this has been our pattern. But some days aren’t for moving forward. They’re just for honoring where we are.

    5. Stop reminding yourself of how you’re “falling behind.”

    I think it all boils down to this. When we minimize our struggle, try to do too much, and push ourselves despite our desperate need for self-care, it’s generally because we’re afraid we’re somehow falling behind.

    We think about everything we want to accomplish, everything we believe we need to do in order to become who we think we should be, and we panic at the thought of losing momentum.

    Most of us are accustomed to living life like a race to some point in the future when we imagine we’ll be good enough—and our lives will be good enough. Any threat to our sense of progress can feel like a threat to our self-esteem and hope.

    We also live in this constant bubble of comparison, as if we need to keep up with everyone else in order to make the most of our lives.

    But none of this is true. While we may want growth and change, we don’t need it in order to be worthy or happy, and certainly not on a pre-determined timeline. We also don’t need to keep up with anyone else because we’re never behind; we’re simply on our own path.

    What’s more, wherever we are right now, this is a valid piece of our life experience, and perhaps even a valuable part. We don’t need to rush through it to catch up to everyone else or to where we thought we’d be.

    Most people would agree that some of their most immense growth came from their greatest challenges, and in some cases, even their sense of purpose.

    I would never have guessed, during the ten-plus years I struggled with depression and bulimia, that that period of my life would be the catalyst for this site.

    I could never have imagined how profoundly my pain would shape the trajectory of my life, and how this chapter would lead to new chapters that were equally as exciting and fulfilling.

    Wherever you are right now, be there fully. Accept it. Open up to it. It’s only when we accept the lows that we’re able to grow through them and rise to the highs.

    —

    Yesterday was a tough day for me. I was tired. I hurt. I did little, got down on myself, and cried. But today was better. Today I was kind to myself, I did what I could, and I gave myself what I needed.

    Whatever you’re going through, I wish the same for you: self-compassion to help alleviate your pain, permission to do only what you reasonably can, and space to take good care of yourself.

  • How to Find Your Fighting Spirit When Life Gets Tough

    How to Find Your Fighting Spirit When Life Gets Tough

    “Sometimes, life will kick you around, but sooner or later, you realize you’re not just a survivor. You’re a warrior, and you’re stronger than anything life throws your way.” ~Brooke Davis

    No matter how positive we are, how healthily we live, or how much kindness, generosity, or fairness we practice, shit happens. To all of us. And suddenly, we find ourselves juggling more balls than it seems humanly possible to juggle.

    I’ve had my share of this…

    When my father died suddenly when I was in my twenties. When I was lost in a bottomless depression for two years in my thirties. When I had to undergo neurosurgery to remove a brain tumor in my forties.

    It seems that I got one ‘biggie’ like that in every decade of my adult life!

    They knocked the wind out of me, plunged me into unspeakable darkness and despair, and brought me face to face with my worst fears.

    I know what not knowing how to go on feels like.

    Yet somehow, I went on and came through.

    I used to see myself as a survivor—able to bear great pain and live through the suffering until things got better. That’s a quality and a strength, for sure. It’s an acceptance of what’s happening to you. An inner, maybe quiet, determination to still want to live, despite it all. That’s one way of not giving up and making it through.

    But more recently, I’ve been inspired to cultivate another quality I’ve discovered in myself, in addition to that: my fighting spirit.

    It was a revelation to me that, instead of bearing what life throws at me, I can consciously choose not to let it beat me. That I can be a warrior, as well as a survivor!

    Fighting is a way of standing up to your inner voice of discouragement and resignation: a decision to show up and do what you can even when it’s tough and you want to give up.

    And I’m finding that…

    My fighting spirit is a great resource to have in my life toolbox.

    I can call upon it when I need it. It adds to my resilience and self-reliance when life gets tough. And I also find that it comes in handy when I want to make changes for the better in my life, but struggle with the unforeseen complexities of, or resistance to, what I want to do.

    Now, don’t get me wrong: Fight is not always called for when life gets tough.

    Sometimes we need to let ourselves be sad, down, or angry before we can find an appropriate response to what happened to us.

    When we’ve pushed ourselves too hard, we might need to give ourselves the space to rest or even be ill for a while, before finding our way to heal.

    Sometimes all we can do is indeed hang in there and survive as best we can.

    And sometimes we need to let go of the fight, allowing things to happen as they will and going with the flow.

    But fighting is called for when something important is at stake.

    When you need to speak up for yourself (or someone or something that really matters to you). When you want to save a significant relationship that you’re on the verge of losing. When you’re facing a critical illness. Or when you need to stand up to the voices inside you that make you want to shrink away and disappear when it’s important to stay and be seen or heard.

    Recently, I’ve fought more than ever before—and consciously so.

    I’ve fought for living the creative and passionate life I am called to live. For my professional practice to continue to evolve. For my writing to find a place in the world. For my mother, who got diagnosed with Motoneuron Disease in her eighties, to have a dignified last phase of her life. For keeping my gallbladder when I developed a gallstone. The examples are many.

    So, if you’d like some inspiration to discover and cultivate your own fighting spirit, I offer you…

    6 Ways to Find the Fight in Yourself

    These strategies help me when I don’t want to give in to the temptation to throw in the towel too soon. When I need to keep going even though it’s tough. When I need to stand up for what really matters to me. I hope you’ll find them helpful too!

    1. You can do this!

    Make “You can do this!” your mantra, repeating it to yourself, even aloud, when you feel discouraged. Strengthen yourself in every way possible—by exercising, meditating, or arming yourself with knowledge and support—to help you believe you really can handle whatever is coming.

    I remember the time when it became clear that I wasn’t going to be able to avoid brain surgery. This is a radical operation, and I was terrified of its risks and what it might do to me. The fact that the surgeons were going to cut into my brain—the center of my consciousness, my thoughts and my reasoning, my story and my memories—made my fears a thousand times worse!

    Yet my fighting spirit kicked in: I got physically fit and strong. I learned what I could about my tumor and my surgery. I did the inner psychological work to oust the demons that had perhaps contributed to bring the tumor on. And I got alternative health support from hypnotherapy, homeopathy, Ayurveda, and even angelic healing!

    As I responded to my challenge in this way, I discovered a voice within me that spoke “I can do this!” into the storm of my fears, growing increasingly loud, strong, and determined.

    2. Don’t let it beat you.

    When adversity strikes, we are faced with a stark choice: We can either let it beat us or not.

    My mother always says to herself, when facing a difficulty, “Who’s the boss here—me or this challenge?” She’s experienced hiding under her desk as a schoolgirl when the bombs fell during the war. She suffered frostbite on her feet in the winter because she didn’t own sturdy shoes. She lived through leaving her homeland to start a new life in a foreign country. Yet none of this destroyed her.

    Perhaps it is true that hardship builds character. If you never have it tough and you never need to fight, you never learn how. You never build that fighting muscle.

    We all have to face fear, pain, and harshness in life. But we can make a conscious choice to respond in ways that affirm our spirit. We can choose not to be discouraged, not to give in, not to despair—at least not for too long. We can call upon our inner strength, fight back, and rebuild ourselves.

    My mother found her way back to her happy nature after the heaviest blows—the early death of her husband and facing Motoneuron Disease in her eighties. She knows that adversity can only really beat her if she lets it. And I watch in awe as, time after time, she makes a conscious inner decision that she won’t. ‘Cause she’s the boss.

    3. Why do we fall?

    This is from the film Batman Begins. It’s how Batman’s father consoles his son when he’s had a setback. “Why do we fall?” he asks him. When the boy doesn’t have an answer, the father says: “So we can learn how to stand up again.”

    Whether you’re a Batman fan or not, remind yourself of this when you’re down and feel like giving up. Then find your fight and stand up again.

    4. Keep trying—intelligently.

    They say that Rome wasn’t built in a day. Equally, you might not resolve a complex and challenging situation in one day. It may take several attempts to find your way through. Even if one attempt fails, it’s important to keep trying, but keep trying intelligently.

    Ask yourself what you can learn from your previous attempt. What worked, what didn’t, and what you need to do differently this time. Then try again, using those insights. The story goes that Thomas Edison tried and rejected ten thousand combinations of material before he came up with a workable light bulb. Know that your ‘failed’ attempts are the stepping stones that will ultimately lead you to where you want to be.

    5. Keep showing up.

    I have a friend who has had a most debilitating, not clearly diagnosed illness for years. Yet she makes a point, always, to show up whenever possible, in whatever way she can: to work, to choir practice, to family activities…

    She dresses up and puts her make up on. And when she’s too weak to be there in the real world, she’s there online, writing and sharing her beautiful reflections about life. If that’s not fighting spirit, and truly inspiring, I don’t know what is.

    So if you’re struggling too, ask yourself: In what ways, however small, can I keep showing up?

    6. Insist and persist.

    This was one of my methods for getting stuff done when I worked in the challenging and fast-paced world of management consulting. I’d be friendly, charming, great to work with—but I wouldn’t go away until the work that needed doing was done and people had made the contribution that was necessary. My colleagues used to joke that I could be like a dog with a bone.

    Insisting and persisting serves me well when life gets challenging for myself, too: I use it to understand what’s going on, find the help I need, and try different ways of responding to what’s happening. And I won’t stop until I am through.

    Perhaps that’s one kind of stubbornness worth cultivating!

    —

    My fighting spirit is a useful string to my bow of life skills, and I shall be forever grateful for the experiences that helped me discover and hone it.

    Over to you now…

    When life piles on the challenges, and you’re pushed to the edge, where and how do you find your fighting spirit? How do you go on?

  • One of Those Days? How to Deal When Everything Irritates You

    One of Those Days? How to Deal When Everything Irritates You

    “Be proactive not reactive, for an apparently insignificant issue ignored today can spawn tomorrow’s catastrophe.” ~Ken Poirot 

    Do you ever have one of those mornings where the battle against annoying minutiae begins before you’re even truly awake?

    One of those days where you feel the illusion of control fully slipping away. You try to grasp and pull it back, but you really have no control over this day or its outcome, at all.

    We dread these types of days, don’t we? The control freak in me gets uncomfortable thinking about it. Even the Meet The Parents movies make me unsettled, because as more and more things go wrong, I just want to cry out, “Stop it already! Stop making bad choices!”

    I can’t guarantee that I can help you stop making bad choices, but I can give you tips for handling those days when everything minor breaks, stalls, or gets in your way.

    I had a day like this when I was pregnant with my youngest. I never regained my energy back like they say you will in the second trimester. I was tired, achy, and feeling uncomfortably large one morning last spring. Still, being pregnant, with all its discomforts, was the highlight of my day.

    It started with an alarm that didn’t go off—well, we didn’t set alarms anymore. My daughter always wakes early, so no need. That day, she took the morning off. No wakeup call from the toddler.

    We woke up running late in a panic. Then, as our cats had been doing lately, just for fun, they threw up their breakfast on the kitchen floor.

    I looked at the stream of cat vomit and told my husband, “Your turn, I cleaned it up last time.”

    He gaped at the floor, and then looked as if he was considering adding his own vomit to the pile. “No. Can’t do it.”

    “UHHH!!” I fumed, and thus began a morning squabble, the bane of my existence. I hate fighting in the morning more than cleaning up cat vomit, but I was rattled from waking up quickly, so I just went for it and dove headfirst into a fight.

    Fight over, we went our separate ways—he went to work and I stayed at home with our kid.

    Later, my first new phone in four years showed up in the mail. Now, if you have ever tried to set up anything with a toddler in tow, you know it’s like trying to build Ikea furniture in a tornado. But I was excited and needed to reset the vibe of the day, so I called to set it up.

    A new phone shouldn’t have problems from the start, right? Seems reasonable, but I had to keep explaining to the representative that I was setting up a new phone.

    We lost phone connection three times. My toddler needed helping five times. Suddenly both my old phone (that I was talking to the rep on) and my new one wouldn’t work. Confused, I was interrupted by a loud hissing.

    I was making split pea soup in the cooker, which I had forgotten. The neglected pot was spewing hot soup goo all over. Meanwhile my sink, countertop, and the stove were full of dishes.

    Old-fashioned pressure cookers are unpopular because if you move them quickly, you get burning steam shooting out at you. Most people don’t use old-fashioned pressure cookers because of this—smart people.

    There was nowhere to move the pot.

    So I had to move the pressure cooker pot in slow motion. I watched in horror as more and more hot goo spilled over the stove, counter, and flowed like a green boiling waterfall onto the floor.

    I huffed with frustration and started cleaning up—phone temporarily a backseat issue—while trying to keep my kid away from the literal hot mess.

    But I was also proud of myself. I hadn’t taken my frustrations out on anyone. I had carried myself with calm, even though I was boiling over, like the soup pot.

    Smiling, I went to place the cleanup towels in the hamper. There, one entire corner of the floor was covered with broken picture frames and glass. I was shocked. And now broken glass? I hadn’t heard anything fall?? What?!

    Suddenly, it was all too much. I felt anger and frustration rising inside of me. I had enough! I walked into the room away from my daughter and dad, and gave a little scream—not loud enough to scare anyone, but it was enough to release my steam valve.

    I’m guessing you’ve had a day like this before. When one irritating thing after another happened, building major annoyance and frustration, making it hard to keep your cool.

    How can we stop getting riled up by everything that goes wrong in a day?

    Most of us in the Western world have become very busy and, by default, very reactive. This does not set us up well to handle unexpected annoyances. But there are a few things we can do to prepare for these days in advance, and a number of ways we can cope better so we don’t get epically annoyed with all the irritations happening around us.

    A Preventative Plan for Managing Murphy’s-Law-Kinda Days

    1. Be mindful of the influences around you.

    The people we surround ourselves with and the information we consume affect our overall mood. If you’re constantly bombarded with criticism, judgment, or negativity, you’ll likely be primed to snap at little things.

    Are your interactions with others positive and supportive? Is your partner or best friend kind to you? Do you have people around you who have your best interests at heart? Or is getting through every day like walking through a minefield of aggressive, explosive people?

    I don’t have expertise in the area of extricating yourself from abusive or trying relationships, but there are plenty of people who do, so if you find yourself being mistreated and traumatized, take action to help yourself today.

    If you aren’t surrounded by intentionally harmful people, yet you listen to news that drags you down and spend a lot of time with complainers and energy drainers, you are not protecting your sweet soul from the tarnishing effects of others.

    I’m not suggesting that you insulate yourself from every negative thing, but can you minimize that which is optional?

    Can you make an effort to consciously choose to surround yourself with people and media who lift you up and make you a better version of yourself?

    2. Take good care of yourself so you’re balanced going in.

    To thrive even with adversity, you need to take care of the animal that is your human body. This body needs fresh air, water, exercise, rest, and quality food. If you are depriving your body of any of these on a regular basis, it is simply a matter of time until you’re an angry, reactive mess.

    Keeping up your good habits of exercising and eating well is essential. The food you put into your body affects your mood. Sugar can give us an energy high, but after it wears off then there’s an energy low, which can leave you feeling worse than before.

    An unhealthy diet high in sugar and processed food can contribute to depression. And living a sedentary life is a risk factor is well. Exercise releases endorphins, the feel-good hormone, which can help you keep calm when things go wrong.

    If you don’t currently eat well and exercise regularly, a reactive, frustrating day can be a wake up call to start supporting a good foundation of health. Then you can weather these storms better.

    3. Find some time during the day to be quiet, meditate, and get calm.

    Meditation is like training for your mind. It literally rewires your brain to be calmer and less reactive, and it can significantly reduce stress and anxiety. By taking time on a regular basis to be quiet and contemplate, you can sometimes identify nagging small concerns before they become large concerns.

    Spending time in nature can have a similar relaxing effect. Being in nature helps you center yourself and recharge—and there’s even some research to show that a certain bacteria in soil can act as a natural antidepressant.

    If you can get out to nature, please do so as soon as possible. It always helps me immensely to get outside.

    How to Handle Trying Days When They Happen

     1. Ask yourself: Is it the day that is a problem, or is it me?

    This is a tough love type of question, but I think it’s essential to pause and ask yourself what’s really going on. When you have a day in which everything and anything annoys you, take time to reflect. Ask yourself if it’s just a rough day, or if your reaction is a sign that something in your life is out of whack.

    It might just be a fluke of a day where things are going funky right and left. Or maybe you’ve been letting little things build up, and things are boiling over because there’s something big you need to address that you’re ignoring—dissatisfaction with your work, or a compatibility issue in your relationship, for example.

    If there is something big that you’re avoiding, can you face it? Can you find someone who will help you find the courage to address what you need to do—to face what you are afraid of?

     2. Release your pent up emotions.

    Modern living and working close with others means there are lots of times where we have to filter our words and our reactions to act like a responsible adult. All too often we stuff our feelings down until we’re ready to explode—and often on some innocent bystander who doesn’t deserve our rage.

    A healthier approach is to feel and work through our feelings as they arise, and sometimes the best approach is to physically release them from our bodies.

    The relief that a good primal scream or pillow punching episode can provide is so incredible (though these things are best done in solitude, so we don’t offload our emotions onto the people around us).

    Elevated stress levels can be stored in the body and create muscle tension, and cause many other physical/emotional strain. But if we release the stress, we can fluidly move forward. Exercise can also help with this, since it gets our muscles moving, and our heart pumping—another good reason to get active!

    3. Take the pressure off.

    On some of my worst bad days, I give myself permission to check out and chill out. I take time to watch funny videos on YouTube or do a calming visualization meditation. It can feel tempting to plow through our to-do list, especially since we often tie our worth to our busyness and productivity. But sometimes you just need a break to regroup.

    For example, can you find a few moments when you can sit or lie down? Then you can either relax or fill yourself with something silly and lighthearted. Animal videos, anyone?

    4. Lastly, remember that it is okay to have a low day.

    Life will ebb and flow. It’s all right for us to feel low, defeated, or sad some days. If you can cultivate a sense of non-attachment and tell yourself, “Well, that was one bad day. Tomorrow will be different,” you can release your feelings about what happened. You can acknowledge that one low day might just be a dip in a life that is largely good overall.

    If it’s just one annoying day that is bothering you, you’ve likely got a lot still that you can be grateful for. When you can see that you are doing okay, that you have so many things going for you, even in the midst of challenging situations, then you know things are actually going quite well in your life!

    Here’s to rolling with the tricky days and relishing in the good ones.

  • How to Cope and Keep Going When Times Get Tough

    How to Cope and Keep Going When Times Get Tough

    Man in a Storm

    “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~Winston Churchill

    The day started out beautifully. My friends Shaun, Tina, and I decided to take advantage of a sunny Saturday afternoon with a hike along Ontario’s Bruce Trail. We parked our cars at the trail access, laced up our boots, and headed out for a day of wandering through sun-dappled fields and forests.

    A couple hours later, we agreed we had probably gone far enough and turned around to head back.

    That’s when the weather changed. Fast. Ominous clouds rolled in, blotting out the blue skies we had been enjoying. The trees started to creak and sway as the wind whipped up. We picked up our pace, but even before the first thunderclap, we knew we wouldn’t be outrunning this storm.

    It was a doozey.

    We felt the first drops of rain as the trail ran along the grassy edge of a farmer’s field. A moment later, we were drenched as the sky opened up and the torrential downpour began.

    Soaked to the bone, miles from our vehicles, we pressed on through the howling wind. There was no sanctuary from the storm—nowhere to hide and no sense trying to wait it out, sopping wet as we already were.

    The only option was to keep going. To put one squelchy foot in front of the other and hope the lightning bolts around us didn’t get any closer. As we made our way in single file along the now-muddied trail, my mind flashed back to a few years earlier, when I was navigating a much different kind of storm.

    It was October 2008, and I was in isolation at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto after the bone marrow transplant I received to treat my leukemia.

    The incredibly complex medical procedure boiled down to the doctors decimating my defective blood-producing cells with heavy-duty chemo and radiation. Once the crappy stuff was destroyed, they transplanted new stem cells from a healthy donor.

    There were some risky and unpleasant consequences of the transplant. Until my new transplanted stem cells engrafted, I was left with virtually no immune system and prone to all manner of infection. Hence the isolation. A simple sneeze from someone in the room could spell disaster.

    With no immune system, the usually harmless bacteria in my mouth were able to take hold and do some damage.

    Large sores formed on my tongue that filled me with excruciating pain with every breath I took. I couldn’t eat. I had a hard time talking. The nurses made me sleep with the head of the bed raised up so I wouldn’t choke on my massively swollen tongue.

    When I saw Dr. Galal the next day, I begged him to do something about the mouth sores. He was, of course. I was being treated with antibiotics and a mouth rinse to speed recovery along, and they had my morphine jacked as high as they safely could.

    A warm and compassionate man, Dr. Galal looked at me and assured me that they were doing everything humanly possible. “The only thing I can do,” he said, “is promise you that you’ll be feeling much better when I see you again next week.”

    In the midst of the hurt the pain meds barely seemed to touch, “tough it out” wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear. But sure enough, in a few days time, the swelling went down and the sores started to shrink in response to the treatment. Slowly but surely, day by day, I eased off the morphine.

    And when I saw Dr. Galal the next week during his rotation, I smiled at him and thanked him for keeping his promise.

    Like our walk through the woods or my mangled mouth, there are times in life when the only thing we can do is keep going.

    Caught in that thunderstorm with our cars still miles away, we just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stuck in the hospital with a mouth full of sores, I just had to endure and wait for the medications to work their magic.

    But I’ve found that there are always things we can do to help us along as we attempt to get through the storms in our lives. Here are some that have helped me.

    1. Lean on your friends.

    No one is an island. There is strength in numbers. Two heads are better than one.

    Whatever your preferred cliché, having the right people by your side makes a world of difference. No matter who you are, there will be times when your motivation flags, when everything that needs doing overwhelms you or when a way out seems impossible.

    At those times, you’ll need to lean on the strengths and support of others. Who do you know who can provide you with motivation? Expertise? Distraction? A listening ear? On the flip side, who’s getting in your way of achieving your goals? Be mindful of negative people who might be draining your mojo.

    2. Surround yourself with the good stuff.

    Related to the point above, using little techniques to keep your spirits up can help a lot. Whether it’s a silly song you’re belting out while hiking through a rainstorm, a copy of Robert Service’s inspirational poem “The Quitter” taped to your hospital room wall or a list you’ve made of all the awesome things life has to offer, find ways to keep yourself motivated.

    3. Break it down and celebrate the little milestones.

    My journey from cancer diagnosis to recovery seemed to stretch on forever, with no end in sight. When you’re faced with an absurdly large problem, breaking it down into manageable chunks can keep it from overwhelming you.

    Set milestones for yourself along the way and celebrate your successes. Making a point to acknowledge the little achievements along the way—getting through the first phase of chemo, remission, finding a donor, being able to do a push up or walk up a flight of stairs—helped me see that I really was making progress.

    4. Be flexible.

    Also, be flexible. Plans change, things happen, projects get derailed. Acknowledge that setbacks are inevitable so you won’t be too discouraged when they do happen.

    Sometimes whatever storm you’re traveling through can put you on an entirely different course. Adapting to a new reality means letting go of the past. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of nostalgia and reminiscing about “the good old days.” But when that devolves into whining and fixating on how things used to be, then you probably need to refocus and get back to the business at hand.

    5. Come up for air.

    At one point, Shaun, Tina, and I found a good spot to take cover from the driving rains for a few minutes. Breaks allow you to regroup and recharge your mental, emotional and physical batteries. They’re an opportunity to check the map and think strategically. Stepping back lets you take stock of the bigger picture and remind yourself that you will get through this.

    Where possible, take breaks. Whether it’s meditating, taking a little vacation or just turning off your brain for a couple hours to watch a mindless movie, balancing the “one-foot-in-front-of-the-other” grind with beneficial pause is crucial.

    —

    Life is full of unexpected rainstorms. But the trick isn’t to avoid or try to hide from them. There are some you simply won’t be able to outrun. No, the trick is to find ways to cope—to bring the right umbrella, so you’re equipped to deal with the storm when it inevitably rolls in.

    Man in a storm image via Shutterstock

  • How to Get Through Hard Times by Throwing Yourself into a Hobby

    How to Get Through Hard Times by Throwing Yourself into a Hobby

    “Almost everything comes from nothing.” ~Henri F. Amiel

    There are uncountable ways to deal with difficult times in life. Some people turn to prayer or meditation, others open their hearts in therapy or to friends, and many choose to hide from the pain by eating their weight in chocolate or purchasing expensive bags; to each their own. I have a different approach: crafting.

    When I’ve gone through difficult times in life—depression, unemployment, relationship problems—I have often turned to craft projects. For a long time, I didn’t think much about it, but eventually I realized how much it has honestly helped me.

    When I went through a serious bout of depression, combined with unemployment, I started to participate in craft swaps on an Internet forum.

    Part of what helped was certainly the communication and fellowship with my swap partners. Isolation breeds unhappiness, and making things to another person’s tastes requires getting to know them, which is an effective antidote to isolation.

    But a lot of what helped was the crafting itself—making things with my own two hands, planning projects, and so on.

    When I was at my lowest and most frustrated, when I was writing yet another cover letter for a job I wasn’t quite sure I even wanted, the promise and plans of creation got me out of bed and into my day. It was something to look forward to when I did not have much else going for me.

    But honestly, that’s something I could have gotten from almost any hobby or activity. Hell, a television show with eight seasons on Netflix can give me something to look forward to. Crafting gave me something more: healing.

    How the heck did crafting heal me?

    It gave me something else to think about. Rather than focusing on my own feelings and situation, I focused on picking patterns, selecting supplies from my stash, and then making things.

    It was productive. There is something healing about creating something from raw materials—wool into felt, yarn into crochet, fabric into quilted bags.

    It brought a confidence boost. When I felt like crap, it was easy to feel like I had no control over anything, but making something proves that, at the very least, I have control over craft supplies. It may not sound like much, but it’s a start.

    It’s a sort of movement meditation. The repetitive actions of certain crafts can bring about a sort of clarity and calm, which is certainly helpful under any stressful circumstances.

    It got creativity going again. When I was going through a crappy patch, I needed out of the box thinking in order to get through it. That means creativity, and crocheting vampires and embroidering pumpkins can be the first step to loosening the neural pathways.

    So how can this help you?

    Is there anything you enjoy doing with your hands? Whether it’s painting, sewing, crochet, embroidery, fishing, origami, woodworking, painting miniatures, or any other handicraft, it’s worth re-introducing it into your life.

    If you’ve never had a hands-on hobby like that, pick something interesting and try it out. Wander around a craft store until you see something you like, or search for how-to kits on Etsy. Ask that friend who’s obsessed with Robin Hood to take you with next time he goes to the archery range, or see if your local community center offers a shop class.

    Learning something new can be even more absorbing than doing something you already know. The only limit I suggest is that you find something with a physical component. While I adore cerebral activities like writing, they have a different set of benefits.

    Let yourself be absorbed by it. It’s okay to become obsessed, to spend your lunch breaks and your after-work time pondering and planning for the next time you can pick up your project. In fact, that is part of the point.

    If you’re fixated on making a sweater or tying a fishing lure, then you are not obsessing over everything that is wrong with your life.

    Chasing those same thoughts around in circles will not help you solve anything, but breaking out of them to do something else can provide a much needed change of perspective. That change of perspective may well show you the way out (and even if it doesn’t, it’s less time that you’ve spent being miserable).

    As coping mechanisms go, hobbies are a healthy one. They are inherently creative, never destructive (even fishing creates something: dinner). When you’re in a tough spot, you need to build a new life, not tear yourself down.

  • Getting Back Your Spark When Every Day Feels Hard

    Getting Back Your Spark When Every Day Feels Hard

    “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” ~Thomas Jefferson

    Did you ever wake up one morning and not know who you were anymore?

    Waking up for the past four years of my life, I felt like I was in the movie Groundhog Day. The same things happened every day, and I felt the same horrible feelings all the time. Anxiety, depression, and hopelessness ran my life.

    I had it all figured out at some point. I was furthering my career and moving toward my dream of becoming a psychologist. I had great co-workers, tons of friends, and a supportive family.

    There was this continuous, sun-shiny, flowing feeling of “everything works out for the best.” Any struggles I went through would make me stronger, a better psychologist and friend. A better person. And so, I enjoyed the ups and downs of life with no regrets and little struggle.

    It seems that I woke up one day and everything was gone.

    I had lost my job, which paid for my education. All my friends had drug abuse issues, and I removed myself from their lives or vice versa. My puppy, best friend since age five, died four days before my birthday. I was plagued with pain from Lyme disease and an undiagnosed tick-borne illness. I felt like every piece of my life was falling apart.

    My dreams were not coming true anymore. I still have no idea how I slid down this far without knowing it.

    The best parts of my life had left me, and it seems like it all hit me at once. There were no more happy, “let it go, it’ll all turn out for the best” thoughts. It was all darkness. I had lost myself and my joy for life.

    The worst part was that I knew I could get back to that place if I tried. But I didn’t know how. I longed for that spark, that fulfillment with my life, for years. I just couldn’t put my finger on what I was missing. I hadn’t even realized that it was gone until it seemed light years away.

    I realize now that there were quite a few things I could actively do every day to pull myself out of this dark place. If you’re going through a rough time, these may help you as well.

    1. Acknowledge and appreciate everything that happens, even the seemingly bad.

    During my “golden age,” I had acknowledged everything that worked out well for me. I recognized the random strokes of luck that life handed me and appreciated them, and it seemed like more of these things happened as a result.

    When I lost my way, I was so focused on the negative, overwhelming feelings that I thought good things just didn’t happen for me anymore. I had to learn that the only difference between a good thing and a bad thing is how you look at it.

    I could sit and think about how much I disliked my boyfriend’s mother all day. From the first thought in the morning, all the way until bedtime I could obsess over how horribly she treated me. Why couldn’t she just accept me as I am? I love her son more than anything, after all!

    After struggling with this for close to a year, I finally realized why she had grown to be such a focal point in my life. She was here to teach me compassion. True, loving compassion for someone you thought you couldn’t stand, until you open your eyes and think what it may be like to be them.

    It is a good thing that she is in my life, and though she often presents challenges to me, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. She helped me to see that people are not black and white, good or bad.

    Nothing is inherently bad; it just is. As your mind processes information, it applies your filters, your beliefs, and your preconceptions to the information. This is the reason we are angered, or feel sad, or disappointed. It’s not actually the thing she said, or what he did that angered you; it’s all what you think about it.

    2. Challenge limiting, irrational thoughts.

    When things go haywire, we tend to cling to our irrational thoughts like a life preserver, when what we really need to hold onto is our inner calm.

    I really believed that I could just think my way out of the hopelessness-box I had placed myself in. I obsessed and ran and re-ran the same thoughts all day, trying to make sense or pull what I wanted out of every conversation.

    My mind was a mess of tangled thoughts that I used to keep me in a bad place. Nothing was ever good enough; nothing was ever good at all. And there seemed nothing I could do about it but obsess even more.

    I would obsess that my boyfriend and I weren’t getting along. Did he still love me? Why wasn’t that spark there anymore? He was cheating on me, he had to be. Why couldn’t things be the way they used to be? Why had he said that thing this morning, the one that made me feel so unloved?

    I realized that all these thoughts did was give me something external to obsess over, to keep me from thinking about the real problem.

    The real reason why I was uncomfortable and stuck in this thought loop was because of my own insecurities. I did not feel like I was good enough for him, hence my sneaking suspicion he would cheat on me. Focusing on what he may do kept me from addressing my own issues.

    I was insecure. I had deep rooted self-worth issues, and I kept looking past the fact that all this started and ended with me. It was my insecurities making me think this way. It was my thoughts that would one day enable these things to happen—if I wanted to keep believing that I wasn’t good enough.

    Often, when you think defeating and self-limiting thoughts all day, you start to believe they are true.

    If you start from a place of love and acceptance for yourself, it greatly affects the way you think about important things in your life. My panicked mind just took the root cause and expanded upon it, made it grow, made it bigger and meaner until I couldn’t overlook the real problem staring me in the face anymore.

    When you accept and love yourself as you are, and when you feel the inner peacefulness and calm inside yourself, you are able to see straight through your own tricks.

    3. Do something just for you. Every day.

    I am a responsible person and I always did everything I was supposed to do. I was a good girl. I went to work. I did my job. I did the dishes and laundry and was exhausted by the end of every day. But I couldn’t sleep through the night.

    I felt like nothing was ever truly done. There was always more to do. I remember looking at a dirty bottle once and breaking down crying. Being everything for everyone doesn’t mean anything if you can’t enjoy a few moments with yourself. No one can appreciate you the way you can.

    I slowly started substituting tasks with things I wanted to do. Instead of coming home and picking up the living room, I would come home and exercise. I felt better, relaxed, and energized when I was done, and the picking up got done quickly and without the bitterness accompanied by never having any time to do anything for me.

    Its funny—all these people are relying on you, but all these people really need is you. Not the things you do. They love and appreciate you for you, not for the clean house. I had built up this idea that being a mother and responsible adult meant that I couldn’t have fun anymore. That I couldn’t do things I enjoy.

    Make time to do something you love, and to just be you. Make you your number one priority today. Everything else will fall into place

    4. Let the fun in.

    Dance to your favorite song in the car, go dig your hands in the dirt in the garden, tickle your husband, make a mess; however you like to have fun, do it!

    It seems like as we grow into adults, we are expected to act like grown-ups and slowly filter out all the fun in our lives. Piece by piece you realize everything that you used to enjoy, you no longer do!

    Reclaim your life.

    You need to take whatever time you have and use it to the fullest. It’s okay to go a little crazy. Get a little dirty doing something you enjoy. Remember what it was like to be a kid and totally immerse yourself in something, just because you loved to do it.

    Forget your to-do list and do you instead. Love completely, open your heart, act like a kid, and who knows; you may just feel like one again.

  • How to Take Care of Yourself During Tough Times

    How to Take Care of Yourself During Tough Times

    “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

    Several years ago, within a matter of months, I experienced the death of a parent, the breakdown of a committed relationship, and the death of a treasured animal companion.

    I’d been doing okay with “normal” life tension, but when all that crap hit the fan… Wow.

    I handled it okay. Just okay. I’m not sure it was a time to expect myself to be amazing.

    Life is much better now.

    One of the biggest lessons I learned going through those experiences was that I really had no idea how to take care of myself.

    I’m great at taking care of others. I, like many of us, could give you loads of examples of how wonderfully supportive and understanding I can be. However, I’d neglected to take the time to understand me and what sorts of things helped me to feel nurtured, supported, and cared for.

    I’ll skip the “yoga, getting enough rest, and chocolate” portion of the list (since you can find those kinds of self-care tips here). They’re super important, and the fact is, I already knew about them, but on their own they weren’t cutting it at that time in my life.

    Here are some lessons I learned that I hope we can all benefit from when we’re going through a tough time.

    Stay out of other people’s business.

    It’s really easy to get wrapped up in the situations and emotions of those we care about.

    When our partner is having a difficult time at work, we tend to feel their frustration and disappointment. When a loved one is going through a divorce, we may get caught up in their stories about how they’ve felt mistreated or how their spouse is being unfair.

    While doing these things is very common and considered a normal part of friendship, it’s not the time. These behaviors can be draining to our own energy. Listening to the emotions of others can cause those emotions to be stirred up in ourselves, especially if we relate to the situations they’re talking about.

    It’s simply not the time to use our energy reserves feeling other people’s emotions. We have our own to harmonize.

    Accept ourselves.

    Yeah, we know this one already. But how many of us are actually doing it?

    Here’s the thing: We can absolutely accept where we are at any given moment, while also holding space for wanting more; for being more compassionate; for having a better education, a more successful business, or for meeting a loving partner.

    Accepting where we are at doesn’t mean we don’t have goals, or can’t visualize a different, presumably even more fulfilling life. It means that we recognize there are times in our life where we won’t be amazing (see above). That there are times when we’ll do the minimum to get by, because that’s all the energy we have.

    Sometimes, that’s just how it’s going to be.

    Accepting where we are at is always a priority, but particularly in times of intense strain. No beating ourselves up allowed.

    Recognize what helps us feel good when we’re stressed.

    Again, seems like a no-brainer. However, when I was going through these experiences, I assumed that having coffee or drinks with a good friend would help me feel better.

    Normally, I really enjoy this and find it relaxing.

    Surprisingly, I found I was not enjoying these get-togethers. It wasn’t that my friends weren’t sympathetic. It was simply that I needed me (and me alone) time to process and heal. The very greatest friend simply could not offer me what I could offer myself at that time.

    We’re all different. Some of us will find great comfort in surrounding ourselves with friends; others will benefit from immersing ourselves in our hobbies or in our work. There’s no right answer here. It’s a matter of paying attention to our own needs and what works for us, not what general opinion says that we need.

    This is also not a time to cave to social or family obligations if we don’t find them to be nourishing. If the weekly family dinner is fun and supportive, go for it. If it’s more of a “dredging up the past” fest, then let that routine go until you’re feeling stronger.

    Re-learn how to focus.

    Many of us feel busy, busy, busy. And it’s true—we are busy. That said, taking the time to really assess our Internet and social media time can be enlightening.

    If I’m honest, I spend one to two hours of a “work” day cruising Facebook and Twitter, checking and answering email, and reading posts on different news outlets.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. It is, for some of us though, a behavior that has “trained” us to not be as focused as we could be.

    Instead of sitting down and spending an uninterrupted two hours on a particular task, getting sidetracked online can cause that same task to take me three to four hours (or more!).

    Great focusing skills also apply to our “me” time. It’s not just useful when working or studying. Focus can also help to optimize the time we do spend relaxing or self-nurturing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve “intended” to meditate or nap, and have found myself obsessively checking email instead.

    Using apps to limit one’s access to social media can be a great way to start the process of shifting our online habits.

    In times of stress, compassion for self, in the manner that is the most soothing and fulfilling for us, is a priority. To be present in our lives, and for our loved ones, and yes, for ourselves, this self-care is imperative.

    What do you pay attention to when you’re in an intense period of self-care?

  • 4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough

    4 Lessons on Surviving and Thriving When Times Are Tough

    Joyful

    “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day.” ~Unknown

    Five months ago, I was sitting outside with a friend when a mosquito bit me under the arm. I went to scratch the bite and felt a lump on the side of my breast. My doctor sent me for a mammogram, ultrasound, and fine needle biopsy. I had breast cancer.

    I am a 44-year-old single mother of two beautiful young girls with primary custody. I am also Director of a psychology practice and self-employed.

    The day I was diagnosed was the day I lost the carefully constructed control I thought I had mastered in my life. I juggled many balls in the air every day, and they all came falling down.

    I strongly believe in salvaging good from bad, but I struggled with finding the silver lining. The fear and anxiety waiting on test results to find out if the cancer had spread were crippling, and I was haunted by dark thoughts of death.

    I was lucky. The cancer had not spread, as far as they could tell. The tumor was contained and I had a genetic test done that showed minimal benefit from chemotherapy, assuming I had lumpectomy surgery, radiation, and then took a hormone drug called Tamoxifen for the next ten years.

    I think I have found the silver lining in this journey, and my dearest hope, over and above the cancer being gone for good, is that I hold onto these lessons:

    1. Let go.

    My life before breast cancer was highly organized, disciplined, and controlled. Every spare moment was productive. I saw clients back-to-back, I ferried my daughters to activities, I crammed my weekends with social events, and I had multiple to-do lists for each facet of my life.

    I have spent the past five months going where medical people tell me to go, doing what they tell me to do, and waiting. The radiation has made me extremely tired and my brain is simply not functioning.

    I returned to work three weeks after surgery in an advanced state of denial, and kept on trying to be the old me but finally accepted I was not.

    I don’t do very much now. I go to radiation treatment each day. I come home and do some household chores and then rest. For hours. I may read a book, listen to music, play the piano, I even started a painting. I then pick my girls up from school and spend time with them. And it is a revelation.

    Control is an illusion. Letting go of control is liberation.

    2. Stop asking, “Why me?”

    Why not me? That is the profound answer I have come up with to answer this most difficult of questions. Bad things happen to good people and life is not fair. The test is genuinely is how we cope with the adversity thrown at us.

    I am proud of how I have coped with having breast cancer. I have remained psychologically intact, albeit bruised and battered, and allowed myself to be vulnerable. I have dealt with the spectre of dying and have gotten my affairs in order just in case. I also now have a bucket list, and I am crossing things off one by one.

    The purpose of life, I have decided, is not to be happy. It is to realize our potential, to love and to be loved, to do new things and take calculated risks. I do not want to get to the end of my life, be it next year or in forty years, and have regrets.

    The biggest regrets are the things we did not say or do. So focus on what you can do instead of dwelling on why there are some things you can’t.

    3. Ask for support.

    I have never been good at asking for or accepting help. I have asked people to come to appointments with me, to pick up my children, to come and sit with me while I cry. I have never been good at crying either, and I have had crying jags that lasted hours since being diagnosed.

    I had friends over one day and as they were leaving, I slid to the floor and could not get up because I was sobbing so hard. They bundled the girls and me, took us to their home, and looked after us, me weakly protesting that I was fine. The loss of control and identity associated with melting down felt soul destroying.

    So many wonderful people have offered to help, and I am learning to say, “Yes, thank you, that would be lovely.” And it has made me and my relationships stronger, not weaker.

    Sometimes we have to ask for what we need and accept being vulnerable.

    4. Practice gratitude.

    In the blur of normal life, I think we are all guilty of wanting more. We forget to be grateful for what we have, and at its most fundamental, that is life. I would love to be able to write that I am now genuinely grateful for my life, but this would not be entirely true just yet. I slip into denial at times and fall back on old habits, but I am learning.

    I am grateful for the immense generosity of my parents, my friends, and my boyfriend, who have given of their time, money, and emotional energy. The parents at my children’s school who delivered us meals. My work colleagues, who have kept my business going, and acquaintances who have contacted me to express their concern.

    I have let go of the disappointment I felt over those people who I expected to be there for me but were not.

    I have also found myself grateful for things that I took for granted. For my beautiful children, a vase of flowers in the hallway, a good cup of coffee, a flock of birds on my walk, or the ability to pay the bills. I am grateful that I am not dead.

    Mindfulness and gratitude let us stay in the present and ward off anxiety, which comes from living in the future.

    I obviously do not know what the future will hold. My chance of dying from breast cancer related illness is a lot higher than average, but I am so lucky. I am lucky to be alive, and so are you.

    Every day we are not in the ground is a good day, a chance to remake ourselves and our lives into things of value and beauty. Tragedy and trauma can have silver linings. Sometimes it is hard to find them and even harder to hold on to them, but I am holding on tight.

    Photo by geralt

  • 3 Ways to Feel Good When Things Seem Bad

    3 Ways to Feel Good When Things Seem Bad

    “It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

    Have you ever had something happen in your life that completely changed everything?

    Wham. Suddenly you haven’t left your bedroom in days, you can’t remember what it feels like to shower, and it’s clear the only friend you can really count on is your cat. 

    And whether it’s a major life-suck event or a minor one, the question is: How can I feel contented and calm when things don’t go to plan?

    That is what this post is about. Because a while back I had a M. A. J. O. R. Major event. It went like this:

    I’d just graduated from college. I had a Masters Degree. In science. Human nutrition science, in case you’re wondering. I was excited about life!

    Sure, I had a ridiculous door-to-door research job and my roommate was annoying, but I had plans—I’ll move in with my boyfriend, get a better job, travel, start a family, hang out with all my amazing friends, and live an awesome life.

    But then I got sick. The kind of sick where raising your arms above your head makes you want to take a nap. And instead of starting the amazing life I’d planned, I moved home with my parents.

    It was a shock, to say the least. Before that, I was tough. I hiked. My friends liked me. I stayed up late. I wasn’t a sick person.

    And while my parents are sweet and kind, living in their basement in small town New Zealand, watching daytime re-runs of Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, and hanging out with a fluffy cat called Whisky was not the plan.

    It wasn’t so bad at first. But months went by, then years, and it seemed no matter what I did, I was still sick.

    I thought, why did this happen to me?

    I cried. A lot. For seemingly no reason. And if someone asked why I was crying, I’d say, “I’m just so tired.” I cried so much some days that I’d go home and laugh with my sister on the phone over who I’d cried in front of that day. It was comical.

    That was a few years ago now. And, of course, the whole experience turned out to be a huge gift. They often are, in my experience, anyway, but that’s getting ahead of things.

    Here are three insights that helped during those “you’ve got to be freaking kidding me” times:

    1. There’s a healing side to pain.

    When a challenging event happens—a breakup, a sickness, or having your leopard pink car seat covers stolen—the human mind, being what it is, thinks this is why you feel badly.

    You hear it all the time: “Oh, you poor thing for losing your car seat covers.” Or, “She’s such a rat to do this to you.”

    The truth is, it’s your perception of the situation that makes you feel bad. This means that no matter how crumpled-in and dysfunctional you feel, you’re not. It’s just your thoughts that are a bit wonky. And actually, your thoughts on this were always wonky; the situation just exposed them.

    Take my situation. Everything I’d based my self-esteem on was gone: work, grades, friends, boyfriend, the ability to sit up straight for more than half an hour.

    I thought I was upset because I was sick, when the truth was, my situation had triggered every negative belief I had about myself. Things like:

    “I’m only lovable if people like me.” “I’m only worthwhile if I’m busy doing things.”

    I so strongly identified with all the things I did that when you took them away, I felt miserable. I’d been given the opportunity to see what I really thought about myself.

    Someone could have told me “you’re worthy and lovable,” and I might have intellectually known this, but I didn’t feel it.

    What I began to realize was that behind the pain, over time, my faulty beliefs were shifting. My sense of self-worth was beginning to heal by itself.

    The pain is the faulty belief system being ripped out by its roots. You feel like you’re losing something dear. The trick is to understand that it’s just a faulty belief going away. And beneath it lays a pocket of self-love that you haven’t previously been able to access.

    As poet Kahlil Gibran says, “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.”

    2. Pain fades when we let go of expectations.

    Most of us live in an intellectual way. We make plans for our life and then we try and follow them through. We think we know the best way for our life to proceed.

    The truth is, a large part of our pain is caused by an attachment to our expectations.

    For example, one of the reasons I felt so bone achingly sorry for myself was because I had a plan for how to have a good life—and it didn’t include Dr. Quinn.

    I thought success came from going to college, getting a good job, and having a family. No one said anything about spending all this time in bed. But actually, it was the best thing for me.

    To illustrate you how powerful your expectations are, try this exercise:

    First, imagine you’re me.

    Now, imagine you’d grown up thinking the best way to have an awesome life was to spend five years in bed cross-stitching cushions. That it was something everyone did.

    “Oh yeah,” you’d say to your friend, “I’m just off to do my five-years-in-bed years.”

    And they’d be like, “Oh cool. I hear you learn such amazing things, like how to feel self-assured, and you get clarity on your life direction, and you start to feel that inner calm we’re always reading about.”

    Seriously.

    Now think about your current situation and imagine that for your whole life, you believed that what is happening to you was going to happen. And not only that, but it’s the absolute best thing to happen.

    So much of the pain we feel is because we can’t let go of how we think life should look. Your mind thinks it knows the best way for your life to work out—but simply put, it doesn’t; the plan it had was flawed in the first place.

    Your mind can only see your life as it’s showing up right now. There is a bigger picture.

    3. You’re doing fine.

    Learning about personal awareness and healing can be such a helpful thing, but remember, there’s no right or wrong way to feel.

    Feeling grateful and “being positive” and so on is perfectly fine, and sure, it can be helpful, but if you don’t feel like it all the time, don’t worry about it.

    Instead of attaching a judgment to how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking, try just noticing it.

    I believe the act of simply noticing and accepting how things are, right now—no matter how messy and dysfunctional they seem—is the most powerful, healing thing you can do.

    Photo by Dahl-Face Photography