Tiny Buddha

Tag: thrive

  • Two Reasons We Sabotage Our Joy and Success and How to Stop

    Two Reasons We Sabotage Our Joy and Success and How to Stop

    “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ~Rumi

    Have you ever held yourself back from going after what you truly want, or from enjoying what you have, because of a lingering fear that it might be taken away from you, or because you felt guilty for having more than others?

    For years, I found myself unintentionally sabotaging moments of pure joy and personal success without being able to embrace them fully.

    For example, when my son was born, a rush of panic would flood me every time I even imagined the possibility of losing him, and I felt guilty even having a family knowing that my friend was struggling with infertility due to her health issues.

    Also, the money that flowed into my life always seemed to vanish as if I was in a rush to get rid of it, feeling torn between my gratitude for what I’d earned and the unease of knowing that others were barely getting by.

    No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the constant sense of dread that lingered. One moment, I’d feel exhilarated and at peace, only to be hit with a wave of fear and guilt, as if my mind was plagued by relentless, unsettling static.

    It felt like an endless cycle of scarcity. A pattern of having and sabotaging. But it was something deeper that made me question my beliefs of my own worthiness.

    It took years of reading, researching, and learning to realize that this feeling wasn’t just a behavior—it was a belief that traced back to my childhood.

    I grew up in a dynamic, happy family that traveled often, cared for me, and always made me feel safe and loved. But when the war came and everything changed in an instant, my life of safety and my carefree days turned into a desperate fight for survival.

    That abrupt shift of losing freedom and the life I had before that moment left a deep mark on my young mind. It taught me that nothing is guaranteed and that having too much joy was dangerous and it could vanish in a flash.

    Later on, this belief seeped into every corner of my adult life. When I built a vibrant career, guilt kept creeping in because I knew there were others who were struggling. Even in moments of personal growth and healing, the weight of this belief made me feel as if I was betraying all the suffering and destruction I had witnessed as a child.

    It was exhausting, and for the longest time, I had no idea why I felt this way. But holding onto this belief didn’t help anyone. It certainly didn’t help me. And especially not those still fighting for survival. It kept me small and limited, trapped in a cycle of guilt and fear.

    While this mindset once served as a form of protection, I had to accept that loss is an inevitable part of life—and that fearing it only kept me from truly living.

    As I started my healing journey and helped other souls find their path to healing, I began learning about the subconscious mind and how early childhood experiences, cultural conditioning, and unresolved emotions shape us.

    When I allowed myself to acknowledge the origin of this belief without judgment, I knew I had started the healing process. I gave myself permission to grieve for the child I was and for everything I had missed experiencing as a twelve-year-old girl.

    Then I started working on how I see the world and how I, just like everyone else, am responsible for the energy I send out into the world. I started to see my joy, success, happiness, and achievements as gifts and opportunities, not things I had stolen from others.

    I reframed my story and embraced an affirmation that I still use nowadays—The more I thrive, the more I can give back. This whole new perspective shifted my energy from guilt to gratitude and inspired action.

    I changed my inner narrative through energy healing and the deep soul alignment my being was craving. I am worthy of happiness, just like everyone else, and I deserve abundance in every aspect of my life.

    Over time, these words became my truth, which I now believe deep in my core.

    It’s no surprise that, of all the emotions I worked on during the process, guilt was the hardest one to let go, because I couldn’t give up thinking and feeling what other people who were going through the same struggles felt. But when I decided to channel my abundance into acts of service, I realized I could help others without sacrificing my own joy.

    Limiting beliefs can be tricky because you may not even realize you have them. And even if you’re aware of some, they might not be the ones you actually need to work on. The root cause isn’t always easy to spot, but there are steps you can take to get there.

    1. Start by identifying areas of your life where you face challenges.

    Write down the belief you feel is contributing to your struggles. Putting it all in writing can give you the clarity you need to move forward.

    2. Explore the origin of this belief.

    Did you hear it from someone? Was it an event in your life that started it? Understanding where this belief might have started can help you detach from it.

    3. Challenge limiting beliefs with empowering truths.

    For example, you could replace “I’m not worthy of success because others are struggling” with “My success empowers others. By thriving, I create more opportunities to help and inspire.”

    Find examples from your own life when this was true and write them down. As you shift your perspective, you’ll begin to see things in a new light—one that is healthier and more uplifting.

    While affirmations can be a powerful tool, please note that they may not be sufficient if you’re dealing with deep-rooted patterns of fear, doubt, or trauma. Simply repeating the words may not be enough if you struggle to truly believe them.

    To more effectively heal these limiting beliefs and rewire the brain, a more holistic approach is often needed—one that integrates mind, body, and energy healing. This can include guided meditation to access subconscious patterns, breathwork to release stored emotions, somatic practices to reconnect with the body, and inner child work to address the root cause of past wounds.

    By combining these methods, you allow healing to happen on multiple levels, creating deeper and lasting transformation.

    4. Create a daily practice where you meditate and visualize yourself thriving to reinforce your new narrative.

    Meditation helps quiet the mind and clear energetic blockages, while visualization allows you to embody the feelings of your new reality.

    To fully integrate this shift, take aligned action each day that supports your growth. Set boundaries by saying no to commitments and situations that no longer serve you, speak your truth by expressing your needs, and engage in new experiences by exploring new places. Celebrate small wins by acknowledging and appreciating every step you take toward becoming the person you are meant to be.

    It might also help to find a guide or a coach who can help you navigate the deeper layers of limiting beliefs. You might realize that an outside perspective is what you need to break free.

    —

    If you find it hard to let go of your conditioning, be patient with yourself. It’s not easy to get out of your own way, even when your soul is feeling a strong pull and an immense desire to break free and to awaken to a life filled with meaning, light, and purpose.

    But if you keep at it, you can let go of the limiting beliefs that hold you back. Then, when you believe that you are worthy of receiving and fully experiencing all of life’s blessings, you’ll be able to embrace each gift with gratitude while you have it, knowing that both gain and loss are natural parts of our journey.

    And remember, embracing joy and success is also a gift to everyone around us. When we honor our worth and embrace our light, we align with a higher vibration that radiates into the world.

  • You Became Who You Needed to Be in Order to Survive

    You Became Who You Needed to Be in Order to Survive

  • The One Thing You Need to Make the Best Decisions for You

    The One Thing You Need to Make the Best Decisions for You

    “If you are not living your truth, you are living a lie.” ~Joseph Curiale

    Her sobs break my heart. We have all been there. When the relationship starts feeling like a war-torn city as opposed to home.

    I close in for a hug. “You can’t go on like this,” I whisper.

    “Well, I don’t know what to do. Please don’t tell me to break up,” she looks up pleadingly. “I can’t do it. I won’t be able to bear it. I am not as strong as you.”

    A familiar musical refrain from Tina Turner comes to mind albeit with a slight word twist…

    “What’s strength got to do, got to do with it?

    The Oxford Dictionary defines strength as “the emotional and mental qualities necessary in dealing with difficult or distressing situations.” It almost seems as if these set of qualities are innate—something you are born with, like blue eyes or curly hair.

    Those in possession of strength flit about larger than life, surmounting all obstacles without a strand of bother, achieving Herculean glory. They can do just about anything, bear just about anything. Nothing stands in their way.

    That was my assumption as well until I realized some people actually considered me part of this mythical group. My response to that? Utter incredulity.

    I am scared of literally everything. I am scared of public speaking. I am scared of the dark. I am scared of ants. I am scared of meeting new people (I have been known to hide behind bookshelves at loud parties). Most of the time before I start something new or need to do something confrontational, I spend hours under my duvet or eating an entire chocolate fudge cake from Sainsbury’s to soothe my nerves.

    If anything, fear has been my faithful partner since Day One. Yet, despite this, I have made what can be considered difficult decisions; taken risks, explored the paths less traveled, moved myself out of comfort zones, acted contrary to advice from friends and family, etc. And that’s not because I am strong. But it is because I choose courage.

    And courage, my friend, is not strength.

    Courage is Simply Your Truth

    According to American author and professor Brené Brown, an early definition of courage is “To speak one’s mind by telling all, one’s heart.”

    The root word of courage offers a telling clue. “Cor” in Latin or “coeur” in French means—the heart. So being courageous is nothing more than being true to your heart, or in other words, telling your truth.

    But speaking your truth is tough since most of the time, we often aren’t on good terms with our own truths. We get caught up with keeping up appearances, where or who we ought to be, what others expect of us, what is socially acceptable, what is convenient, etc. Our truths wander lost amongst this crowded landscape.

    A long, long time ago, when I was still in the corporate world, my then-boss asked me where I saw myself in a year’s time. I knew he was keen to promote me. And I was convinced I wanted to be promoted as well. After all, I was due one, and well, who says no to a promotion? All I had to do was give the ‘right’ answer—something about wanting to grow further, taking on more responsibilities, I was ready, etc.

    Yet that afternoon sitting across from him, an unanticipated response sprung to my mind instead—“Anywhere but here.”

    That floored me. Until that point, it never had dawned on me that I was that dissatisfied at work. I mean, was I deliriously fulfilled? No, but I wasn’t never expecting fulfillment.

    I was comfortable, I loved my colleagues; the money was good and enough to support a lifestyle that I loved. I thought that I had struck a sweet spot; a happy compromise I was willing to put up with for the rest of my life. But my heart apparently seemed to disagree. This sweet compromise started to feel like a huge mistake—as if I was on the wrong train.

    Sometimes when faced with an inconvenient truth, our first reaction is to will it away. And that’s exactly the strategy I adopted. I pleaded with this feeling; tried to cajole it into disappearing. But it never did. It stood, simple and unwavering in the deep cave of my being.

    And that’s what you will realize about The Truth. It comes from the reservoir of wisdom, and like everything from those parts, it never shouts or screams. Your fears do. Your ego will screech. Panic attacks will roll like devastating hurricanes through you. But your truth is like a meditating monk, sitting quietly, waiting for you to catch up with it. A steadfast signal for your life.

    Courage is a Navigation System

    Courage is not a set of qualities. You don’t pursue courage. Courage beckons you. It is your life sat nav or true north (to use a Martha Beck term). A lighthouse that guides you through the sea that is your life.

    It is true what they say, you cannot serve two masters. When you orient your decision-making around what is true to you, fear stops factoring in. It doesn’t disappear from the landscape completely, but it gets more muted in the distinct light of your truth. You will stop moving to whirlwinds of opinions and projected futures. Your life will instead be propelled by your unique, sacred truths.

    I hate having my writing read by other people. It feels like someone has peeled off all the skin on my body, and I stand facing the world with nothing to protect me. Yet I continue to write despite my fear of the cauldron pot of criticism, judgments, and embarrassment because that’s what my heart wants. Writing is what I have do to fully inhabit myself. It is more necessity than a want. Everything else such as my fear and shame fades in significance.

    The Path of Courage

    The path of courage is usually not one of grand feats; it is woefully undramatic. It will never demand you break up today, or else. Instead, it will guide you to go and sleep, sign up for a retreat, dance to Kate Bush, sit quietly to watch the clouds, or even watch a particular YouTube video.

    The path is gentle because your heart is all about love, and gentleness is the language of love. Unsurprisingly, walking the path of courage will also soften you and make you gentler.

    The path of courage is also utterly simplifying. When I centered my life around my heart, I stopped hankering after certain things I had previously assumed I liked or would make me happy like learning a new language, doing tango, traveling, going out with friends, etc.

    It became easier to admit that these activities never actually fed me, and I wasn’t really enjoying them that much. With clarity, no became an easier word to articulate. So did my needs.

    There is no guarantee that the path of courage will lead you to a happily-ever-after. Oftentimes, it will lead you to situations where you will struggle to find meaning. It will drag you through the mud, tempt you to promising roads, and then fling you against a dead-end. But I promise, even when you wander with no map in sight, you will never feel led astray. Or that you are on the wrong train.

    What is courage calling on you to do right now?

  • It’s Not Selfish to Want to Thrive, and I Now Know I Deserve It

    It’s Not Selfish to Want to Thrive, and I Now Know I Deserve It

    “To create more positive results in your life, replace ‘if only’ with ‘next time.” ~Celestine Chua

    I’m twenty-nine-and-a-half and I’ve finally committed to pursuing my dreams of becoming a singer/musician/songwriter, actress, and screenwriter.

    But most importantly, I finally feel allowed to live the life I want to live.

    I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression on and off since I was fifteen. My coping mechanism always looked the same: isolating myself in my room, listening to music, and making up stories or music videos to go along with songs. I loved to refine these little scenes, repeating the songs over and over again for hours.

    Sometimes, the highlight of my day was when I got to go back to my room and listen to that song again—when I got to go back into my dream world.

    I didn’t realize then how much I preferred this dream world to my own reality. I’d become disengaged from my friends and family. All I wanted was to go home to my imagination.

    Recently, I learned of the term “maladaptive daydreaming,” a mental condition in which a person is in a state of intense daydreaming that distracts them from their actual life. Some say this condition has roots in OCD and ADHD/ADD.

    I’m still unable to confirm if I had this or not. But I do know that daydreaming was a coping mechanism I was heavily dependent on to keep my mood up. Because otherwise, my reality always depressed me.

    I had dreams of singing on stage, writing insightful scenes, and creating beautiful films. But it all seemed too selfish. Like I shouldn’t feel allowed to “indulge” in my fantasies. Also, it felt self-centered. How dare I want to be the center of attention?

    When I finally woke up and got tired of my daydream state, I instantly regretted how much time I had “wasted.”

    I would try, obsessively, to make up for this time by scheduling productive activities in my planner. They were reasonable, too: Exercise for just thirty minutes. Read just ten pages of that book you’ve had on your shelf for three months. But no matter what activity I tried to start, I always ended up back in my comfort zone: my dream world.

    At first, it was just hours at a time that I lost when I had originally wanted to do my homework. Then it was weekends when I had planned to start a new hobby. And then weeks, months, and years passed. I mostly existed in my daydreams. Reality was just that other thing I had to do during the day.

    Somehow, I still managed to maintain a somewhat normal-looking life on the outside. I actually worked great jobs in marketing and nonprofit, exercised a lot, and generally stayed healthy. I took quite good care of myself. Most of my reality wasn’t too hard. But I still didn’t love it.

    I only did what made me appear “together” and “secure.” I didn’t live passionately.

    When I was around twenty-six, I finally took a first step toward what I really wanted to do by signing up for singing and acting lessons and starting to learn screenwriting. However, I was still holding back. Why? I still didn’t feel like I deserved it. It still seemed selfish.

    Also, people made me anxious. I grew up in an Asian household where gaslighting was the cultural norm, so I was extremely sensitive. I hated being teased and felt fake whenever I hung out with my friends. I didn’t like engaging socially or presently for too long because I felt like I was losing myself.

    Only later did I realize that many other people were like this. But back then, trying to find solace in anything outside of my dream world just didn’t feel safe. I preferred to daydream a life where people were easier to digest.

    At about twenty-eight, I started to get weird digestive issues. It started with gastritis, a condition in which the stomach is inflamed. It didn’t seem too bad and I thought it’d go away after taking medication. Then came the kicker, the persistent fireball that demanded I pay attention to it: acid reflux.

    If you’ve experienced chronic acid reflux, you know the struggle. Doctors can’t seem to find a consensus as to the best cure.

    I cut down on spicy foods, acidic foods, the usual suspects. This barely seemed to help. Everything seemed to trigger it. I was freaking out every other night before I went to sleep. What if this never stops? How much damage has this done to my throat? Will I eventually get throat cancer?

    And the hardest question I had to face: Will this damage my vocal cords? Will this deter my singing?

    I had been taking voice lessons, as I was told I had a lovely singing voice, and I was doing well, but I shied away from performances.

    Now that there was a risk of not singing to my full capacity, I finally wanted to pursue my true potential. I couldn’t just dream it anymore. I had to take action, while I had the chance

    For about a year, I pushed my doctor, nutritionist, GI doctor—anyone who could find a cure—to help me. They kept treating me like I was stupid. I was simply anxious. That’s all, right? They kept telling me it was just stress, but the condition worsened.

    I then developed a bacterial issue in my small intestine as a result of the medication that was supposed to help stop my acid reflux. Then I found out that my gallbladder wasn’t working properly.

    I was furious. I cried to my parents every night. I was terrified to eat anything. In addition to avoiding acidic foods, I cut out gluten, dairy, and foods that would give me bloating (which was, well, quite a bit). I basically had a panic attack every time I ate.

    Was this punishment? Was this really all a result of the anxiety that had festered and grown after years of running away from life to my dream world? Had I neglected myself?

    Then came my twenty-ninth birthday. I hated my birthdays. They were just another marker of another year I had wasted not living fully. But I decided then that this year would be different.

    So, I made my plans again. And of course I had false starts and re-starts, but I’ve kept at it. I went to therapy. I took acting classes and humiliated myself (in a good way). I signed up for a singing showcase. My singing voice, despite the bit of damage done so far, has sounded better than it ever has before. And I’m starting to make friends I feel comfortable with.

    It was alarmingly apparent that my doctors weren’t treating me right, so I began telling them off, realizing in the process that I was fighting for my best reality. I was demanding to feel deserving.

    I now know I don’t just deserve to live healthy; I deserve a life where I thrive. It is not selfish. It is vital to one’s well being.

     I’m now working with an integrative health doctor who has recommended natural remedies and all but entirely cured my health problems. I also credit myself for a large portion of that. I do daydream still, but now I utilize it as a motivator for my creativity instead of retreating into my mind as a way to avoid life.

    I’m grateful for all forms of my existence—from my imagination that has the beautiful capacity for daydreams, to my physical body that does everything it can to heal itself.

    I often wonder, though, why did it have to take a threat to my vocal cords for me to finally start singing? And why did I have to become sick before I could appreciate my body’s capabilities and start taking care of it?

    Maybe I had to be shaken awake from my daydreams before I could start living fully and making my dreams a reality. I had to learn it the hard way, but I now know this to be true: We all not only deserve to thrive, we need to thrive in order to be our best, healthiest selves—but only we can make it happen. And it starts with believing we’re worthy and pushing ourselves to take a chance.

  • How to Thrive at Work (Even If You Don’t Love Your Job)

    How to Thrive at Work (Even If You Don’t Love Your Job)

    “Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.” ~Jim Rohn

    We spend so much of our days at work, it makes sense that we should enjoy it, but many of us are not that lucky.

    Too many people work in jobs they dislike or for people who make them unhappy.

    Perhaps we don’t get the meaning of our jobs or are caught up in the corporate rat race. So quit, our friends say, but it’s not that easy. I have bills to pay, kids to feed, or things I need the money for. So how do we strike the balance? What’s the secret to thriving at work?

    I learned the hard way. Working long hours, if I wasn’t in meetings I was in the car driving. I’d grab fast food because it was quick and I could eat in on the run. After getting in late I was so exhausted that exercise was the last thing I felt like doing, so I’d crash on the sofa and then get my laptop to catch up on emails.

    I spent my weekends sleeping in and catching up on all the housework I’d let slide during the week, and I was usually sick during my vacations, as my body struggled to cope with the constant demands.

    I knew it wasn’t healthy, but wasn’t sure how to change it, how to find balance. When I looked around, I realized everyone else seemed to be doing the same. Eventually, I hit a wall and burned out. This ultimately led to a fork in the road where everything changed.

    I quit the corporate world to follow my dreams and became a writer and yoga teacher. It’s something I love, but it doesn’t pay well, so I found myself having to pick up contract work to put food on my table and a roof above my head.

    I still write and do what I love, but I also have to have a day job back in the office to pay the bills. The difference now is that I’ve learned the art of balance. Here’s how I thrive at work, and how you can too.

     1. Adopt a healthy routine.

    I found that adopting a healthy routine made things easier. I get up early so I can meditate and do a bit of yoga. This sets me up for the day and makes me feel good before I even get to work.

    Getting up early means I have time for breakfast and to walk to my office. It’s a challenge at first, and the snooze button is always tempting, but once we feel the benefits, it’s a no brainer. And after a few weeks of doing this, it becomes a habit.

    2. Take care of your body.

    Work can be stressful, which is why paying attention to the basics of good health and prioritizing this makes our workdays better.

    What we eat, how much water we drink, how much we move, the lighting, ventilation, how we sit—it all adds up. It may seem simple, but it’s also important.

    The meals we chose fuel us throughout the day; we know we can feel lethargic and short of energy if we’re not eating right. We are what we eat, so it’s critical we’re putting the right things in to help us thrive both at work and at home. It has a direct impact on our mood and how we concentrate, and therefore, how much better we’re likely to deal with stress and colleagues.

    Exercise is also key, especially for those of us who are deskbound. I ensure I get up and move around regularly, either to get water, talk to a colleague, or when I’m on the phone. I also make sure I get outside every lunchtime for a walk and some fresh air, and head to the gym some evenings to counteract all the sitting my job requires.

    3. Make it a priority to have fun with your coworkers.

    Human beings are social animals, and our colleagues can be the source of great company (or sometimes irritation!) Taking time out to ask people how they’re doing over the water cooler, chatting about your plans for the weekend, or asking about their latest trip is a pleasant addition to the workday.

    There are many ways to bond with your colleagues—Friday night drinks after closing, lunchtime walking groups, social sports teams, quiz nights, and office morning teas (where everyone brings something in). It’s a great way of getting to know your colleagues better, without the pressure of work.

     4. Treat yourself.

    Every week I treat myself to dinner at my favorite restaurant, or a takeout if I’m tired. It’s usually on a Friday, and I often spend the week looking forward to this.

    I also have a massage once a month, partly to offset the sitting at a computer, but also to treat myself and show my body some love. It’s the little things that I look forward to, that my wages allow me to buy, that makes working more worth while.

    5. Spend time in nature.

    This one makes a big difference, particularly if we live and work in cities, as many of us do, and may be confined to the indoors for most of the day, without natural light or ventilation.

    Get out during lunchtime for a walk in the park, or spend the weekend camping at the beach or in a cabin in the woods. Whatever it is, make sure you get some time in nature. It helps us unwind, relax, and reconnect, not just to the natural world around us but also to ourselves.

    Science is proving that nature really does have healing powers, and I know it’s a vital part of helping me thrive at work.

    6. Strive for balance.

    I learned the hard way, and now work/life balance is one of my top priorities.

    I see many people who seem defined by their jobs; this is their life and who they are, and this mantra often takes over their life.

    If we spend all hours at work, there are areas of our life we’re neglecting—perhaps time with loved ones, time to ourselves, or social events or hobbies. Work/life balance is so important. After all, one of the reasons we go to work is so we can afford to have a life!

    7. Do what you love.

    They say that if you love what you do you’ll be successful. While not all of us have the jobs we’ve dreamed of since we were young, we can often find things within our jobs that we enjoy—dealing with people perhaps, training others, designing posters, solving problems, or organizing events.

    If there is that long-time ambition you’ve had that involves a change of career, then think about how that may happen. It’s all about small steps, as I’ve found out, and can often mean we’re doing two jobs simultaneously for a while as we transition or retrain. But the important thing is that we start taking those small steps toward our dreams.

    When the hard days at work come, I put them into perspective and ensure I find a positive. I also make sure I find time to do something I love, whether it’s writing, walking outside in nature, or having lunch with friends.

    8. Never forget the why.

    Probably the most important thing is to not lose sight of our reasons for going to work. Yes, we need to earn money, and preferably we could do this doing something we love. But sometimes we have to do X in order to get to Y.

    Remember your “why.” This could be your kids’ education, that trip of a lifetime, your first home, or a medical treatment for a family member.

    Put a photo up on your desk that’ll remind you every day what you’re working for. It’s not that boss that shouts at you or the company that cares more about its bottom line than its workers; it’s for your hopes and dreams and all the things we do each month with the wages we’re lucky to earn.

    —

    We spend so much time at work, it makes sense that we make it as happy as it can be. It doesn’t have to be detrimental to our health. By mastering the art of balance, we can thrive at work.

  • My Mission in Life

    My Mission in Life

    My mission in life

    Source: Women’s Health

  • Bounce Back and Thrive: The Secret to Turning Adversity into Opportunity

    Bounce Back and Thrive: The Secret to Turning Adversity into Opportunity

    Man with Arms Up

    “Sweet are the uses of adversity which, like the toad, ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in his head.” ~William Shakespeare                                                                        

    It’s hard for me to write about this. I suppose it stems from being a mutt of Italian and Irish ancestry, two cultures famous for intense pride and keeping personal things “in the family.”

    I wonder if my parents ever loved each other.

    By the time I was eight years old, it was clear they did not get along. I never witnessed them getting along, or even being affectionate toward one another. But I always felt loved.

    My parents told my younger brother and me that they loved us every day, most days multiple times. We never struggled for anything.

    My father had sold his garage door business years earlier, but that money seemed to be drying up. We lived in a 3,000 square foot house that my father had built six years prior. Six years later, it was in foreclosure.

    I’m sure the pressure was tough on them. My mother was not herself either. She was acting erratically. Inconsistent.

    One minute she was playful and full of life, the other she was angry and depressed. We soon found out that she was battling bipolar disorder, and she was forced to spend time in the hospital for evaluation and recovery.

    Shortly thereafter, my parents officially separated, we lost the house, and my brother and I split time between my grandparents’ house (where my dad was crashing) and the apartment where my mom was placed after her treatment.

    Memories of the apartment are vivid. Maybe it was because of the impact it had on me, or maybe it was because, at eight years old, I was beginning to have a strong sense for my environment. Maybe it was both.

    The house was daunting from the street. It was big and blue with white trim. It looked like an old New England colonial that was turned into an apartment building. At the time, it had about eight or nine units.

    Our unit was one room, about 400 square feet, with one bed. When my brother and I stayed with Mom, we didn’t have enough room for all of us to sleep on the bed. I would volunteer to sleep on the floor, so that my mom and Jesse could get a comfortable night sleep.

    There was no kitchen in any of the units. The kitchen was downstairs on the first floor, in a common area, of which all the tenants would share. At dinnertime, it would become crowded, noisy, and often overwhelming for our family…and I am willing to guess most of the other families, too.

    I remember, at eight years old, thinking to myself, “This can’t be all we deserve. There must be something more to our lives than this.”

    It was an intense time, and it would turn out to be one of the key moments of impact in my life. A moment in time that would serve as a reminder, and beacon, for the person I strive to become every day.

    I don’t share this story to gain pity. Nor do I share it as something to compare to your life, and the situations you’ve encountered. I share it to demonstrate how this moment in time is one of a series of moments that I choose to use to my advantage. Without it, I would argue that I would be less full as a human being.

    My adversity is my advantage. The story I tell myself about the adversity I face is that advantage.

    Why? Perspective and practice.

    Think about the first time you tried to hit a baseball. You didn’t know what to expect. You hadn’t developed any muscle memory. No hand/eye coordination. The first pitch you tried to hit was most likely a miss. You failed.

    However, there was something that came along with that miss. You began to get perspective. You tried out skills that you never used before, like self-awareness. Did you swing too late? How about rotating your hips?

    Next time, you made an adjustment. You may have failed again, but each time you did, you were gaining experience that, with the right mental skillset and approach, would better prepare you for the next pitch.

    The same approach applies to adversity. I was able to get early “at bats” with adversity.

    Those early “at bats” were failures, but I was beginning to develop the right mindset to deal with the next pitch. We never become perfect at this, but what you must control is taking advantage of as many “at bats” with adversity as it reveals itself.

    Why Adversity is Critical To Growth

    “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” ~Benjamin Franklin

    Benjamin Franklin was wrong. There is one other certainty: adversity.

    We all face adversity in our lives. Adversity does not just show itself in dramatic ways, like cancer and car accidents. It also shows itself each day, in small ways, through highway traffic or arguments with our significant others.

    Each adversity moment is a learning moment in its own right. We miss countless opportunities to grow because we don’t know how to appreciate and identify these moments.

    Call it what you want: adversity, failure, struggle, obstacles, or barriers. Many of us are taught, at a young age, to avoid these things. Why? Because they are hard. Because our parents, and people who care about us, are hardwired to protect us from harm.

    However, by avoiding these situations we are being harmed in other ways.

    A multiyear study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, surveyed 2,400 subjects who experienced negative life events.

    These events included serious illness, violence, natural disasters, and other major moments. The study found that “those who experienced negative life events reported better mental and overall well-being than those who did not.” This is significant.

    There is also a downside to adversity. Without the right supports or mental skillsets, adversity can cause stress, affecting decision-making and physical health.

    Dr. Nadine Harris, founder of the Center for Youth Wellness in San Francisco, found that adults who were exposed to high levels of stress as children had higher rates of cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and significantly higher suicide rates.

    We can control our response to adverse situations. We can turn them into opportunities. We just need the right set of principles to turn adversity into opportunity.

    Building a Growth Mindset

    Mindset is the cornerstone—the keystone habit—to using adversity to your advantage. Mindset allows you the mental flexibility to find the seeds of growth within the (badly packaged) fruit.

    Mindset is the first step—and the most important one—in getting everything right. Your mind sets you up for action. The right mindset is the infrastructure for sustainable growth through adversity. Without it, we are approaching struggle like a house of cards: Success can happen, but over time, it won’t last.

    One can find the best case for mindset in Carol Dweck’s research. Dweck, a professor of psychology at Stanford University, had a simple question: Why did some kids crash and burn in response to failure when others embraced it and thrived?

    Her evidence suggested that students who responded negatively to failure believed they just weren’t meant to succeed at the challenge. Students who responded positively believed that the failure was a learning moment: an opportunity to understand what caused the failure and how to improve for the next try.

    Consequently, it was the beliefs that the students held about their intelligence that informed how well they actually did—more so than their intelligence alone. Some students felt that their intelligence was a fixed constant. Others rightfully believed that their intelligence had room to grow.

    What Dweck carefully clarified was that there were two distinct mindsets that set students apart—a fixed mindset and a growth mindset—and the research was conclusive: A growth mindset was seminal in facilitating personal growth, while a fixed mindset hindered potential.

    The students with a fixed mindset didn’t believe they could do better. Each failure was devastating and demoralizing. And for learners, this becomes a problem.

    On the other hand, a growth mindset actively encourages students to enjoy challenges and seek improvement.

    This research reveals an amazing opportunity for us as human beings. In the face of failure, challenge, and adversity, a growth mindset gives us the ability to build and act on resilience. We can build mental strength to break through walls in pursuit of what excites us.

    How to Take Action

    Right now, you may be saying to yourself, “Sounds great Nick, but I don’t know the first thing about how to apply this in my life.”

    I understand. Application is often the most important, but most difficult aspect to skill development.

    Let’s focus on the power of “small wins,” thanks to Charles Duhigg in the The Power of Habit. This theory can help us reduce overwhelm and improve our confidence one step at a time. Here is one action step you could take today to start building or strengthening your growth mindset:

    Finding Your Fixed Mindset “Voice”

    What does a fixed mindset thought sound like? Thoughts such as “What if I fail?”, “I’ll be a failure,” and “It’s not my fault; it’s someone else’s” are fixed mindset questions and statements.

    The goal is to achieve consistency. With time, you’ll be able to develop the ability to catch yourself during a fixed mindset thought, reset, and apply a growth mindset perspective. Here is an exercise to identify your fixed mindset voice: record yourself for a day.

    This may sound extreme. However, think about if you were trying to improve your finances. Your accountant or financial advisor would tell you to record your expenses over the course of a day, week, or even a month.

    By performing this exercise, you are providing an unbiased record of all activities—some that you would remember anecdotally and others you wouldn’t believe you spent money on. Doing this inventory with your self-talk provides a sometimes scary but accurate look at how you respond to events during a day in the life.

    Steps:

    • Every hour, put together a minute-long recording of the events of that hour and your feelings. NOTE: For iPhone users, you can use the “voice memo” app on the device. For Android users, you can download Smart Voice Recorder right from the Google Play store. Here is the link.
    • Work to be honest with yourself. Some hours may not include anything exceptional, but building the habit consists of doing the task consistently.
    • When you have a moment at the end of the day or in the morning, listen to your recordings. Try to identify fixed mind-set and growth mind-set “voices.”
    • Then, ask yourself, “How can I improve this reaction?”
    • Write it down.

    Even if you do this exercise for a day, the goal is to start to develop an awareness of what your “voice” is. This provides us the opportunity to revise this inner voice with growth mindset thoughts, which then turn into positive actions.

    Over time, you’ll hone this muscle, which becomes the foundation of approaching adversity when it shows itself.

    —

    No one’s perfect. I still struggle every day with applying the right principles. I try to remind myself that each day, and each step in our journey, is a chance to get a little better.

    Best of luck with the next step in your journey!

    Man with arms up image via Shutterstock

  • Enter to Win $500 at Thrive Market (A New Online Health Food Store)

    Enter to Win $500 at Thrive Market (A New Online Health Food Store)

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    Have you ever noticed that unhealthy food is a lot cheaper and easier to get than healthy food? You can zip through a drive thru and get an entire meal off the dollar menu without losing more than five minutes or five bucks.

    Because I was busy and on a budget, I formerly ate a steady diet of processed, packaged food, which did very little for my energy level.

    I didn’t realize at the time how poorly I was meeting my nutritional needs, or how I was poisoning my body with artificial ingredients and chemicals, but I knew I frequently felt sick.

    Still, I didn’t love the idea of stocking up at “Whole Paycheck,” as my friends called a well-known health food store.

    Since I now know that I can only function well if I eat well, I was thrilled to discover Thrive Market, a recently launched online store that sells health food at wholesale prices everyone can afford.

    About Thrive Market

    Thrive Market’s merchandising team works directly with brands to purchase natural, healthy foods and products at wholesale prices—which are 25−50% lower than the products sell for in physical stores.

    They don’t sell generic products you won’t recognize. They sell the same products you’d find at your local health food store, only cheaper.

    You can stock up on everything you need, including GMO-free food, snacks, vitamins, supplements, personal care products, cleaning supplies, beauty products, kitchen staples, pantry essentials, baby food and products, and more.

    Thrive Market doesn’t earn money by marking up prices; instead, they charge a low annual fee of $59.95 (less than $5 per month). I was pleased to see that I saved more than this on my first order.

    Since they offer a free one-month membership, you can give it a try yourself—at no cost—and see if your savings are equally substantial. And if, like me, you spend over $49, the shipping is free.

    For every paid membership, Thrive Market donates a membership to a low-income family, supporting their mission to make healthy food accessible to all.

    Equally notable, they make all packaging, boxes, and inserts using recyclable paper.

    I don’t promote a lot of products on Tiny Buddha because I would never recommend anything I didn’t personally utilize and enjoy. But I feel good about shopping at Thrive Market, and I’m excited to partner with them for an exclusive giveaway for Tiny Buddha readers.

    The Giveaway

    From now through Sunday, April 12th, you can enter to win $500 at Thrive Market by entering your email address here. Fifteen second-place winners will receive a free annual membership.

    After entering, you’ll receive a confirmation email offering you 15% off your first order. You’ll also see an option to share the giveaway on Facebook for an extra entry.

    —

    I hope you enjoy shopping at Thrive Market as much as I have!