“It’s one of the most beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
During my freshman year of college, my group of friends would always hang out in my room.
For the most part, I enjoyed playing host.
Then certain things started to bother me. People would constantly be eating my snacks, and I would constantly be cleaning up after them when they left.
Day after day, I would provide my friends with food. They would make a mess eating it while sitting on my bed. And they wouldn’t clean up after themselves.
Perhaps this sounds trivial to you, but over time I found it very annoying.
And after a few months of this, I became resentful toward my friends.
The problem here was that I couldn’t help but “keep score” in my relationships with them.
What do I mean by this?
Every time I gave my friends food, I would mentally record it, and expect to get something of equal value in return.
In my mind, I was giving way more than I was getting.
And then every once in a while when they would come in and offer me some of their food, I felt even worse.
“How can they think that this is enough after all I’ve given them?”
If they thought they were giving me a sizeable gift, then suddenly I felt obligated to pay them back to keep the balance in my favor.
In hindsight, I see how disturbed this way of thinking is. But at the time, it all made sense to me.
Keeping score got me nowhere, other than feeling bad and deteriorating my relationships.
This kind of mindset is toxic. It causes nothing but harm.
Think about your own life and your own relationships. Chances are you are keeping score in some of them.
And I bet it’s having the same effect on you. (more…)