Tag: support

6 Lessons from a Brave Little Girl About Living a Love-Filled Life

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love.” ~Sophocles

I can’t believe it was almost four years ago that I met *Holly. Her story is still deeply embedded into my heart. Who would have thought that one can learn so much from a ten-year-old child?

At the time, I was working in Kenya as a children’s rights researcher. Knowing about my psychology background, the principal of a primary school I was working at asked me if I could talk to one of their students. Since I would only be able to meet her for a few shorts months, and I thought I was not qualified enough, I was hesitant at first.

Then I remembered: always ask the question, “How can I serve?” in every situation

I knew it was a place for me to serve. So even though I lacked an official therapist license in my home country, I agreed to meet with Holly.

For that winter I became her volunteer counselor. I gave her my full attention while I listened to her stories, I provided her full support, and most importantly, I gave her my unconditional love. But in the end, she gave me so much more back.

When she was only four years old, Holly was raped by her father, contracting an STD that caused her all sorts of health problems, including visible rashes all over her skin.

It is not only that her rashes were itching and made her feel uncomfortable, but children at school, especially boys, continuously abused her for it.

“Children throw stones at me. They say I have HIV. They say I am not a child anymore but a prostitute. But I am a child. I want to be a child,” she told me once.

At home, her life was not better: living in the slums, she was facing extreme poverty. Her emotionally removed mother neglected her and made her responsible for all home tasks, from cooking to taking care of young siblings. Also, she was afraid of her alcoholic uncle visiting them on a regular basis. The list of her sorrows went on and on.

Holly desperately wanted to be loved and cared for. She was always so thankful for anyone who was there for her, and she radiated kindness and love at all times through her beautiful smile.

Being on the ground as a researcher on the topic of violence against children, I knew that Holly was not alone. She was not the only child that opened her heart to me. But she was one of the youngest, yet one of the most influential among them.

Holly has taught me some life lessons that I believe are universal regardless of our life circumstances.

1. Never give up.

Holly went through so much yet she never gave up hoping, dreaming, and trying. She spoke about her future as if she believed things could get better.

As long as we are alive, we have the choice to keep trying to improve our life.

Sometimes we give up on our dream too early because we don’t believe we can succeed. Giving up guarantees we won’t.

But what if we fail, you may wonder. In my dictionary there is no such thing as failure: only successes and lessons. Even if we don’t accomplish our goal, we will grow and learn throughout the process—and this growth sometimes provides more than a successful end result.

2. Use your imagination.

Holly imagined a better life for herself and she created stories, poetry, and drawings to capture her dreams. She was so clear in her art that it was as if she were already living in her beautiful future.

Children have wild imaginations. As adults we often forget about this wonderful tool, being overwhelmed with work, family, and other responsibilities in life.

If we want to create the life of our dreams it is essential that we use our imagination, because it allows us to experience anything we want. Visualizing new possibilities is a first step to creating our future.

3. Share.

One day Holly showed up with a few pieces of candy that she got from a volunteer at the school. She offered to share them with me. She didn’t have much—in fact, she had very little—yet she wanted to share that little with others.

She also shared her life with me. Sharing her stories, her sadness, her joy, her dreams, and her art meant the world to me. I felt love and I loved her back.

Sharing is caring, sharing creates connection, sharing creates love. You can share so much with the world: you can donate to charities, you can share a meal with your friends and family, you can share your stories through a blog, you can share your experiences over a coffee, you can share your joy, and you can share your love. Show your love—share what you have.

4. Accept support.

Holly recognized that she needed support to get out of her situation, and she accepted any support she could get. She accepted financial support through donations from volunteers. And she accepted emotional support through friendships from anyone who offered it.

She never felt bad about accepting support. She knew in her heart that someday she would pay it forward, helping children in similar situation. For the present moment, she gave back what she could—her love and gratitude.

Accepting support is not a sign of weakness. We can’t always do it alone. Accept support if you need it and be grateful. Karma goes around. You can help out someone the next time around.

5. Be kind.

Holly was a tiny, fragile girl who received pain from every direction in life, yet she always smiled. Often, I was amazed how much kindness she was able to offer.

Kindness was her radical response to suffering. I think she innately believed that if she offered kindness, good karma would come back to her to help her life turn around. I know that being kind also made her incredibly happy because she was able to bring joy to others.

The world needs kindness and there can never be too much of it. It can also be one of the biggest presents to someone because it is a sign of caring, love, and happiness. When you have a choice: always choose kind.

6. Love.

Holly had the biggest heart. I seriously believe that this little girl always came from the perspective of love.

We are all born with enormous amount of love and as children we are more likely to openly share it with the world. Growing up, we close more and more doors in our heart and we get hardened by our experiences. Then we have a difficult time expressing our love as adults.

I urge you to open up those doors. Let your heart shine to the world and express your love.

Expressing love doesn’t have to be difficult: a smile, a hug, a loving note, a kind email, a home-cooked meal, a flower, a small surprise, or similar small actions can work. Of course, the words “I love you” can be the most powerful when lovingly coming from our heart.

There can be never too much love in this world. So choose love, be love, live love, just love, always love.

—

Due to confidentiality I was not able to follow Holly’s life-story. I am not sure what happened to her. I don’t even know if she is alive. But I will forever remember her story, her smile, her love, and the lessons she taught me.

Holly, wherever you are, you are in my heart and sending you some loving vibes.

*Name changed to protect her privacy. Photo by Sharky

February 19, 2014
How to Really Embrace Yourself (Even in the Face of Criticism)

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

Sitting at a party minding my own business, I wasn’t expecting it. I had no reason to. A comment filled with sarcasm and authority shot out at me from a across the room.

“Shut up Kathryn.”

It hit me like a bullet aimed straight at my heart.

I wasn’t even aware I was being particularly quiet. I was simply being me. Taking in my surroundings, quietly observing, listening to the conversations that encircled me.

But someone had noticed I was in a quiet mood. And for reasons that I will never fathom, they felt the need to bring it the attention of the entire room.

“Shut up Kathryn,” they smirked.

The comment instantly consumed my thoughts as all eyes turned toward me and sniggers of laughter filtered through the room. As my mind went fuzzy, I grappled for an appropriate response.

But what possible response is there?

As my insecurities were highlighted to anyone who would listen, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Right there and then.

They thought they were being funny. But I found little to laugh about. The pricks of tears welled up as I fought hard to push the pain away, deep inside me. But I had to play along. Had to pretend. Had to smile. Had to laugh. As if all was okay.

But it really, really wasn’t.

And when I got home I cried. Then I cried some more.

I was haunted by three little words that represented everything I felt insecure about: my quiet nature. My introversion. My shyness. The things that I wished I didn’t have to deal with. The things I wished I could change.

When I look back at that day as a teenager, I want to comfort my younger self. To hold her close and whisper in to her ear that it will all be okay. To tell her that she will look back at this day and gain strength from it.

That she will learn to grow, embrace herself for who she is, and feel so empowered; that even though she didn’t dare share her feelings with anyone at the time, as an adult she will find the courage to share this story with you today.

To really embrace your natural persona, to live life in a way that’s completely and utterly true to who you are, and to let go of the words of the critics that may shroud your thoughts, here are three pieces of advice that have worked beautifully for me and which I hold close, if ever I falter.

Surround yourself with support.

Here’s the thing—you aren’t on your own. We all have insecurities, we all face challenges in our lives, and we can all find support if we reach out for it.

Move yourself away from the critics and release their scathing comments from your world. They come from people with their own troubles and you don’t need them in your life.

Instead, surround yourself with the people who make you feel alive—who provide you with support, inspiration, and words of encouragement.

And then turn to these people in times of need. They are the ones you will help you grow, thrive, and learn to love every inch of who you are.

Work out where you shine.

We are all born with wonderful strengths that, if used on a daily basis, can help us find our true calling.

Give yourself the time and space to reflect and then begin to develop a self-awareness and understanding of situations where you feel completely content and comfortable.

These are the moments when you are in ‘flow’—when life feels easy as you start doing the stuff that you were born to do.

By bringing more of these moments into your life, your confidence in your abilities will flourish and your insecurities over time will fade.

Listen to your body and give it what it needs.

I truly believe we all need to listen to our bodies more. If you start your day feeling exhausted and drained, then think about what that means.

You are only human, so give yourself a break. If you feel like resting, then rest. If you crave time and space by yourself, then don’t feel guilty about turning down an invitation to go out with friends.

Nurture your mind, body, and spirit in whatever way it craves, and your strength will surely grow.

Learning to embrace yourself is a journey that can hold many challenges. And if you’ve had to face unhelpful criticism or scathing comments throughout your life, then it can be all the more tricky.

But do you know what? There are amazing ways that you can help yourself and find peace with who you are.

You’ve just got to give yourself the time to grow.

Photo by pshegubj

December 25, 2013
Why It’s Not Selfish to Ask Someone You Love for Help

“Learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had.” ~Unknown

I’m a woman in midlife who thought she was set after a long successful career and the promise of financial security. I supported my own way through most of my life, fending for myself and then my two children, even during a 15-year marriage that ended badly and another that never really began.

For a number of reasons my plans for an early and secure retirement ended a few years ago. The long story is for another time; the short story is health, burnout, spiritual growth, reorganization…life.

A few months later, my oldest daughter announced she was engaged. I wanted to do for her what I always had been able to—give her what she wants—but I was no longer able to.

Now the wedding is only weeks away and the final plans and payments are being secured. More than we expected of course, despite her diligent attention to adhering to a modest budget.

“You don’t have to, but I was just wondering…if you can…can you send more money? If you can’t, it’s okay. We will spend our own money,” she requested by e-mail reluctantly.

On the one hand, I wanted to just say, “Yes, of course,” no questions asked; on the other, I thought it was a perfect opportunity to draw boundaries and to not do more than I was able.

But on the hand that holds my heart, she was my little girl about to get married, and I didn’t know how to say no.

But how could I say yes, with mounting medical bills, another year of tuition for my other daughter, and having found myself unemployed and unable to work for more than two years?

I had never done this before, but in a quizzical moment that felt something like an inspiration, I decided to call my parents.

My parents struggled financially for most of their life, but in their senior years they found themselves able to live fairly comfortably on their fixed incomes, with some money in the bank.

I had never asked them for help before, and at 54 years old—having taken care of my own needs without help my whole life—it felt like some sort of failure on my part to make this choice.

But for the sake of my daughter, I had to.

My Dad picked up the phone, as I had hoped he would, and my Mom was out, as I hoped she would be. Daddy’s little girl and all. A much easier appeal.

At first I felt so bad having to ask my Dad for money. I didn’t ask for much, but for a man who never was able to give much, not much is a lot.

I cried, and he tried to soothe me, hardly able to stand his little girl crying. Only now his “little girl” is 54 and he’s 80.

He’s starting to break down. Little things, I can tell. But still, we are father and daughter, you know?

He didn’t hesitate. He said he wished he could have done more. He said, “You are my flesh and blood.”

Then soon after, I stopped feeling bad. I think I actually started to believe I made him feel good. He got to be a hero today.

It’s still such a small gesture, but such a large one.

After I got off the phone I saw it all differently. There was indeed some goodness that came from my shame of not working and not making my own money right now—a chance to let him shine, to help. In a small way but a big way at the same time.

Suddenly, I felt glad that I’d asked, and that I hadn’t let my ego need to show up as strong and infallible outweigh my daughter’s need, my need, and my Dad’s (and Mom’s) willingness and ability to become a hero for our family.

I’m glad he got to do it. I’m thinking he needed to, in a way. Something for him to leave of himself before he goes.

This whole experience made me realize something else, which was even more profound. I’ve had my parents around for so long that I’ve been lulled into believing they always will be.

I’m lucky and grateful to be this age and to still have my parents—both of them to call on, and even more so for them to be there for me.

I have not given much thought to what it would be like to no longer have them, but this exchange gave me the opportunity to realize that I’m really going to miss them when they do pass on.

It will be strange and empty and weird when there physical presence is no more. In their own way, they have always been there, no matter what.

I think my Dad got to be a hero today. And my daughter gets to have the wedding she wants. And in some indirect way, I got to give each of these to both of them.

Give someone you love this chance if it comes up. Don’t view it as weak or vulnerable to allow someone to step into their light and glory, and to give of themselves in a way that makes them feel good.

Photo by Thejas

August 6, 2013
Helping Others Helps Us All: We’re All in This Together

“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene

I, like many of you I’m guessing, am a wanderer. A student of the soul. At times it can be a bewildering path. Most days I give thanks for the adventure. Many others I wish for clarity and certainty.

But though I am a wanderer, I am not aimless: I have a path as deep and true as any other. I simply have no map to guide me, only my intuition, and the myriad teachers that cross my path: people, places, books, ideas, synchronicities.

I have learned to trust my inner senses. When I am on my path, my life feels good and right; off it, I am aware that I am scrambling through the undergrowth and finding my way at the edge of cliffs.

For a long while I wondered what this path actually was. What was it that defined some actions as “right” for my soul direction, and others “wrong”? Especially when many of them seemed to appear synchronistically, out of the blue, and were counterintuitive.

The idea of a “path,” or what Lao Tzu calls “the Way,” works for me.

It’s as though there is a channel through life that is “right” for each of us to take. An invisible highway of least resistance in the midst of white noise, which resonates at the same frequency that we do and seems to draw us forward, exerting some sort of magnetic pull.

When we are on it everything makes sense, we find flow better, we feel right in ourselves, we have a sense of something larger than our own small ambitions guiding us.

I have begun to see that the path, this invisible pull to our souls, is in fact our own personal way to wholeness: our own unique healing prescription.

Our path, I have learned, takes us through the experiences, thoughts, and meetings that will heal every aspect of our selves, even, and especially, those that are hidden from our conscious awareness.

The words “whole” and “heal” come from the same root. To reach wholeness, we must heal from the wounds and distorted vision that life and our perceptions have wrought on us.

Therefore, each healing path must be unique, as each of our woundings is unique. And yet they each share many similarities, because in the end we are all humans and our stories cross over.

This is the part that many of us miss. We are so focused on “finding me,” on healing ourselves, that we walk on our individual paths looking down at our feet. We forget the fellow travellers around us. And this is where our ability to fully heal is lost, because we cannot do it alone.

The emphasis in Western medicine, the self-help and personal development movements is very much on the individual. “You’re the most important thing in your life” messages have trumped the greater truth, which is that we are tribal creatures and herding mammals.

We are only as strong as our weakest members. The fate of us all lies in all our hands.

If you see a group of migrating birds, a shoal of fish, or a herd of wildebeest, there is a constant communication going on between them. They move as one, navigating canyons and predators.

They listen for the calls of others, and they listen to the instinct within. Both guide and steer them. Both have equal weight. But the overriding aim is to find the path and stay on it together, to find the safe way, the yielding way together—to get through together.

One day last week, feeling frustrated at myself and the seemingly disparate roles that I could not quite reconcile, I had a realization of immense clarity; I could not let go of any of them because they were all actually different facets of the same thing: healing.

The internal guidance system that leads my work as a writer, teacher, editor, and artist; my roles as mother, daughter, partner, and friend, are all one big journey of healing myself, and sharing that process with others for their own healing.

My instinct to heal and to help others heal are equally strong driving forces that determine my whole life.

This is what I love about all of my heroes: their dedication to healing, and their willingness to reflect on their pain and share what they have learned.

Then I zoomed out and saw it from a much larger perspective—that this is some human instinct, a basic herd instinct—the need to help to heal the herd, to keep us all together, all moving in the same direction.

Like the race that an African tribe does, the aim of which is not who wins or runs longest or fastest, but that everyone finishes together.

Sue Monk Kidd reflects on this herd healing in her beautiful book, Dance of the Dissident Daughter.

She recalls watching a nature program about whales and seeing these behemoths throwing themselves out of the water and crashing down on their backs.

The narrator shared that naturalists believe that breaching, as it is called, might be their way of communicating when the seas get rough. A spectacular way of creating strong vibrations in the water, marking their route so that the others in their group would not get lost.

She reflects on how women do this too, an example that I feel applies to all humans:

“Women must have the whale’s instinct. When we set out on a woman’s journey we are often swimming in a high and unruly sea, and we seem to know that the important thing is to swim together—to send out our vibrations, our stories, so that no one gets lost.”

So here we are, the waters are rising on this precious Earth of ours, the storm waves crashing. Many of our global population are tired, have lost our bearings. But the instinct is strong. Many of us who are aware of the need for healing are calling out, breaching: “This way, this way!” we call.

We share our stories, show our healing, so that others might find their way onto the path of healing too. So that person by person, community by community, country by country we might find a better way to live. So that we can find healing for our whole herd, and a path, a way through.

Sometimes I doubt myself. I wonder why I do my work. But now I know. I do it for me just as much as I do it for you.

I speak or paint or write or dance with One Billion Rising, because I am adding my vibration, which is the most basic thing I can give. Because I yearn to the depths of my soul to be healed. To be free from suffering. To see those I love and those I don’t know free from suffering too.

So I ask you, every time you feel the instinct rise, like a whale breaching in the center of your soul, with the urge to reach out and share words of love, gratitude, kindness, forgiveness, appreciation, hope, and healing, do it.

Every time you feel the desire to give a stroke, kiss, hug, gift, or smile, but you think it makes no difference, or that you don’t have time, do it.

It matters. More than you could ever know.

In fact, it’s really the only thing that does.

Photo by Nesbitt Photo

April 7, 2013
10 Simple Ways to Make the World a Better Place

“As one person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person.” ~Paul Shane Spear

I have always wanted to change the world.

I remember being four years old, sitting glued to the television on Sunday mornings, not watching cartoons, but utterly captivated by World Vision. I cried about the injustices in the world, and begged my mother to let me sponsor Maria, the girl with the large, sad eyes who was around my age.

My mom patiently tried to explain to me that we couldn’t afford to send her money. I couldn’t understand, since we seemed to live in luxury compared to Maria.

Having been raised in a middle-class community of about 800 people in rural Newfoundland, I had never seen a stark divide between the rich and the poor. We all seemed to be the same to my four-year-old eyes.

My heart broke for Maria, and all of the other children on the show. I vowed to myself that someday, I was going to help people like her.

Throughout my childhood, I told everyone that I wanted to change the world. Many didn’t take me seriously. They’d say, “One person can’t change anything.”

Still, I knew I wanted to make a positive difference by helping people, animals, and the environment.

I started volunteering in elementary school, and became a vegetarian at the age of 13.

People asked, “Why bother? You know, that cow isn’t going to come back to life because you aren’t going to eat it.” And they very often said, “It won’t make a difference.”

I tried to explain that every action counted, and that we all had to make small efforts or nothing would ever change.

As time went on, people around me began to criticize less, and many friends and family members decided to try some of the things I was advocating.

Each time I did something to make a positive impact, it left me wanting to do more.

You may think that you need to be a world leader or a billionaire in order to make a difference.

I always believed that being a good person is about the small things. It’s about how you treat other people, not how many people you have power over.

If you’d like to make the world a better place, but aren’t sure how to fit it into your busy life, these ideas may help:

1. Volunteer.

Volunteering doesn’t have to consume all of your free time. You can volunteer as few hours as you would like! You can find an organization within your community, or you can even volunteer online, through websites that will allow you to help for even a few minutes at a time.

2. Donate blood.

This can be one of the most satisfying ways to make a difference. You can literally save a life with just an hour of your time.

3. Donate used clothing.

There are so many places and ways you can donate your used clothing. Some organizations even offer pick up services, Donate them to a homeless shelter, or an organization that sells them to raise funds.

4. Foster an animal.

This can be such a rewarding experience. If you’re able to part with the foster animals, they leave a hole in your heart, but fostering your next pet helps fill it, and you will be making a difference in the lives of so many animals in need.

5. Spread the word about various causes in your community.

See an interesting fundraiser that an organization is hosting? Share it on Facebook! See an animal that’s up for adoption? Share it. There are so many ways you can help an organization with just the click of a mouse.

6. Donate something you made to an organization that can use it.

I make jewelry, hats, scarves, and other crafty things in my free time. I’ve donated many hats and scarves to homeless shelters, and donate jewelry to a cat rescue organization for them to sell or auction to raise funds. You have talents—use them!

7. Join a bone marrow registry.

It’s incredibly easy to sign up to donate bone marrow, and you never know when you could save a life.

8. Spread some kindness.

Small acts of kindness can go a long way in making the world a better place. Think about a time when someone did something unexpected for you that brightened your day. Weren’t you a nicer person for the rest of the day because of that?

I’m willing to bet that anyone who receives an act of kindness passes it on in some way, even if it’s just by being in a better mood, and therefore treating the people around them with more kindness than usual.

Send someone a kind message. Give a small gift. Make something for someone. Tell someone how much they mean to you. There are so many ways to brighten someone’s day.

9. Change your diet.

Many people will argue with the validity of this strategy to improve the world; however, what you buy reflects what you value.

If you don’t want to become a vegetarian, try having one meat-free day per week. If you don’t want to reduce your meat consumption, how about buying some free range meat or eggs? Or, buy organic food products. There are many ways you can change your diet to reflect your values.

10. Make your purchases support your values.

Every purchase you make supports something. You can either support a large business that exploits people, animals, and the environment, or you can buy items that are local, organic, or fair-trade. It’s hard to change this all at once, especially if you’re used to shopping for bargains, but try changing just a few of your purchases to make them better reflect the things you value.

These are just a handful of the thousands of ways you can make the world a better place! Just remember that every single thing you do makes a difference. Don’t ever let anyone—yourself included—discourage you from trying to be a better person and help others.

Photo by Dave Bezaire & Susi Havens-Bezaire

April 7, 2013
Introducing Tiny Buddha’s Community Forums!
After much time and planning with Joshua Denney of Think Web Strategy, I’m thrilled to announce that Tiny Buddha now has a new responsive design and community forums!

The new design enables for a better reading experience on mobile devices, and also gives you access to forum-related information right on the homepage.

Why Join The Tiny Buddha Community Forums?

The forums are a place to connect with the community, to share ideas, and to give and receive support. You’ll find topics related to:
- Art
- Crafts
- Emotional Mastery
- Fun
- Health & Fitness
- Parenting
- Purpose
- Relationships
- Spirituality
- Tough Times
- Work
Since site authors officially started using the forums two days ago, there are already quite a few conversations going on over there. I hope you’ll set up a free account to join one or start your own!

To Set a Free Account on the Tiny Buddha Forums

1. Click on the “Join the Forums” link at the top right-hand corner of the site.

2. On the register page, enter a username, your name, your email address, and your password, and then hit “complete sign up.”

3. You will receive a confirmation email to verify your account. Once you’ve done that…

4. Login at http://www.tinybuddha.com/login

Once you’re logged in, you can use the forum link in the main menu, at the top of the site, or check out on some of the popular forum conversations listed on the new homepage.

Since this is a new site feature, there may be some bugs. If you notice any issues, please let us know in the technical support section, here: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/forum/site-feedback-support/technical-support/

Thank you for being part of the Tiny Buddha community! 🙂
April 4, 2013
Getting Back Up After You Fall & Healing from Depression

“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” ~Theodore Rubin

Growing up I was a thoughtful and happy kid—carefree, easy going, not afraid to make mistakes and take on challenges.

Just before I turned thirteen, my parents moved our family halfway across the world where we knew no one.

I adjusted well, made friends, and felt content and successful in my pursuit of whatever I decided was worth pursuing. I was strong and confident. I worked hard, laughed easily and often, and felt as if I had the good life all figured out.

Then shortly after I turned twenty-five a severe depressive episode hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking back, I can see how it came about, how several traumatic events stacked upon themselves until I finally collapsed under their weight, but at the time I felt annihilated, ploughed over, and destroyed virtually overnight.

I spent the next nine months steeped in profound physical, emotional, and mental anguish.

The shame was the worst part.

Despite years of evidence to the contrary, when I couldn’t get myself off the couch for months, when I couldn’t enjoy any activity, and when I couldn’t smile genuinely at anyone or anything, I truly thought that this was my actual self, my real personality—that I was boring, unmotivated, useless, a loser, an anomaly; that I was weak, and that all of this was my fault.

Essentially, depression lies to you—about everything. And when you are used to trusting your thoughts and being self assured and confident, it takes a long time to realize that the torrent of negativity in your brain may not be an accurate representation of reality.

It’s hard not to trust your thoughts and it’s hard to sit and mull over what is true and what isn’t, but it’s an important exercise, even you only do it in small doses at first.

There is a light in you that never goes out. (more…)

March 6, 2013
5 Ways to Validate Yourself: Be Part of Your Support System
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay

We all have techniques we depend on to lift our spirits when we’re feeling down about ourselves or our lives.

A while back I realized something about the ones I’d found most effective when struggling to forgive or accept myself: Many of them involved seeking validation from other people.

Some of my most effective mood-boosters included:
- Reading emails from readers who’d benefitted from my writing
- Calling loved ones and reminding myself of how much they valued me
- Sharing my experiences and recognizing, through the resultant conversations, that I wasn’t alone with my feelings and struggles
These are all perfectly valid approaches to feeling better, but they all hinge on praise and external support.

Getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves.

With this in mind, I’ve come up with a few ideas to create a little more balance in my support system, making myself a more central part of it.

If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing so you can depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful: (more…)
November 13, 2012
7 Things to Remember When People Don’t Support You

“I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very much about what I think of what I do! That is character!” ~Theodore Roosevelt

I’m currently doing the whole “quit my job to pursue a dream” thing. I left the security and stability of having a salary along with a supposed career.

Back then, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I had no experience in blogging, plus I didn’t exactly have the confidence to market and start running a business.

Sounds crazy, right?

You can imagine the reaction I got from my friends and family. The support was next to nothing, and people generally never understood what I was doing—what I was trying to do.

Does this sound familiar?

You may not have done something huge, like make a career shift, but perhaps you’ve offered a different opinion and everyone just disagreed.

You would have expected more from your loved ones. I know how disheartening that can be.

You expect support and encouragement from people you consider close to you only to be completely rejected, criticized, or worse, laughed at.

It can be really hard to swallow all the “noise” around you.

I was taken by surprise by some of the things I heard from friends; some of the comments were particularly hurtful.

I think it boils down to learning how to not care so much about what others think, and also, conversely, understanding what goes on in their minds.

I’ve come up with a little guide of reminders that I hope can help you keep going if you feel alone.

1. Your passion is a priority.

A lot of people go through the motions in life, not doing what they love. They end up constantly looking back, asking themselves, “What if?”

Whether people support you or not, do you really want to look back in regret one day down the line? To not know what could have happened if you tried to do what you really wanted to do? (more…)

October 7, 2012
5 Simple Ways to Help Make Someone’s Life Better

“We choose our destiny in the way we treat others.” ~Wit

Growing up as a high-level swimmer, I used to be a very self-centered individual. Just about everything in my life revolved around becoming the best swimmer I could be.

I spent countless hours training, getting ready for workouts, and visualizing my future success. Helping others wasn’t on my radar. The idea of contribution was still foreign to me.

Fortunately, I was passionate about swimming and I had a purpose to my life, so I was happy.

But eventually my swimming career ended, and all of a sudden I started feeling a profound lack of fulfillment in my life.

I did what most college students do to fill the void: I turned to alcohol and constant partying. I was having fun, sure, but deep down I knew something was missing.

I started diving into Buddhist philosophy, and the concepts of compassion, contribution, and oneness started making their way into my consciousness.

When I graduated college, I landed a “prestigious” corporate job, and although I was making good money, something was still missing.

I had this lingering feeling that my work wasn’t truly serving others and didn’t have a real impact on the world.

I quickly realized that this job wasn’t my dharma, so against everyone’s advice I just said, “Screw it” and I quit.

After a few months of confusion about what to do next, I decided to move to the other side of the world. I packed up my bags and relocated to Perth, Australia.

My intention? Discover my true self and my life’s purpose.

As I started going further down the rabbit hole of personal development and spirituality, I realized that the best way to achieve happiness and success is through helping others in meaningful ways.

As Gandhi said, “The best way to find yourself is in the service to others.”

I decided it was time to start contributing on a bigger scale, and to share all this wonderful wisdom I was discovering through a blog. Eventually, I decided to “go pro” and become a Peak Performance Coach. (more…)

September 19, 2012
The Power of Community: 6 Reasons We Need Each Other

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” ~Emily Kimbrough

Even though it was 18 months ago, I still remember my climb up Kilimanjaro like it was yesterday.

Taking those final steps toward the summit with tears in my eyes because I never believed that I—someone who grew up this sick little kid who held a deep-seated belief that she’d never be “an athlete”—would do something that thousands each year, including world-class athletes, cannot.

Yet there I was.

But I certainly didn’t get there alone. I had help—a lot of it.

While training, I called on my friends who are athletes and coaches to ask their training and recovery advice.

For example, when I got ambitious on a hike and was so sore the next day I had to crawl up and down the stairs on my hands and knees, I called my Ironman Triathlete friend Shannon to ask him how to avoid having that happen again. (His answer was twofold: He first told me not to do that again, and then patiently walked me through the wild world of sport recovery drinks.)

As I continued preparations, I continued to turn to my friends, the climbing company, and seasoned climbing veterans for buying and renting gear, figuring out snacks on the trip, understanding the challenges of altitude sickness, and everything else that went into making Kilimanjaro a memorable and easy trip for me.

The phrase “it takes a village” certainly applied to me and this trip.

Then, when I got there, it was my turn to pay it back. I was climbing with some older gentlemen who were having difficulty navigating the rocks and tree roots. So, I’d patiently reach down and offer a hand—after all, we were there together, to accomplish this together. I wanted to both pay it forward and see them succeed.

On the summit day it was my turn to get help again.

At altitudes above 10,000 feet you feel the effects of altitude sickness, and on our summit day we were traveling between 15,000 and 19,340 feet—meaning at the summit I had half of the oxygen I would at sea level.

Hiking up a 45-degree scree-covered slope with half the air I normally had was making the final ascent a challenge, but I had a wonderfully patient guide who would listen to my breathing as I puffed along behind him; and he and the summit team would stop for me, let me catch my breath, and then patiently move forward only once I was ready.

Then all of the sudden there it was—the summit—both literal and metaphorical. I had put in months of physical training and a year of research and planning to make it happen, and finally it was a reality. But I never could have done it alone. (more…)

June 3, 2012
How to Ask for Help from People You Respect
I’m in the middle of self-publishing my first book. Ever since college, I dreamed of publishing my work and now I’m enjoying the reality of going for it.

For weeks, I’ve gathered testimonials. As you may know, they are powerful tools, especially when the people providing them are recognizable to the target reader.

My challenge: how do I get testimonials from all these people I respect? Well, I’ll tell you what I did and how I failed before I understood what worked best.

Asking

The first answer to how one gets help is “by asking.” Yes, some people miss that part by never trying.

Why is that? Why do we hold back from asking?

For me, there’s a lot of fear that comes up when I’m about to ask for help.
- What if they say “no” to my request?
- What if they ignore my request?
- What if they see my request as a waste of time?
And those are just my conscious thoughts. There’s a good chance my subconscious replaced the words “my request” in the statements above with “me.”
- What if they say “no” to me?
- What if they ignore me?
- What if they see me as a waste of time?
Sort of slaps the ego a bit harder—makes sense why we wouldn’t want to see it that way. Feels more painful, huh? (more…)
August 24, 2011
How to Help Someone Feel Loved and Understood

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~Ralph Nichols

Did you know that one in ten U.S adults suffer from depression? (This is according to the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention.) How do I know? I was one of them. Starting in 2008, I suffered from depression for more than a year.

Many factors contributed to my depression. Of course loneliness and lack of social support were the obvious factors, but the major contributor was that I didn’t feel understood. It was a transition year for me, as I had left my corporate job to find more meaningful work that was aligned with my core values.

With the time off, I started feeling and sensing how much past pain and resentments I had stored inside my heart. It was like the quieter I got, the more I heard how much of what was inside me. I felt a huge void, as if I was a failure in more than one aspect of my life.

During my depression, I felt like my family members and friends did not understand me and lacked the time, patience, or skills to listen effectively. I felt suffocated, isolated, and invisible.

The universe has a weird way of working things out in life; things appear or show up for a reason. What appeared for me was a powerful listener. Though this person was a complete stranger to me, I felt connected from the very first day.

When they listened so patiently and intently to my words and feelings, both expressed and unexpressed, it felt so incredible that I didn’t want to stop sharing. I emptied my entire heart, all my fears, disappointments, and pain. I released all of it.

It was a pure, non-judgmental, patient, and empathetic space where I got to express and feel understood and validated. I didn’t get any solutions, advice, or answers. Instead, I got thought provoking questions, like “What does your soul really want?” “What makes you happy?” “What are you grateful for?” and “How can you forgive?”

It was this powerful listening that provided immeasurable healing. It was the first time in my life I actually felt like I had been heard, really understood—like what I had to say made sense. I felt important and visible again. (more…)

August 15, 2011
Get Connected: How to Expand Your Offline Social Network

“Strangers are friends you have yet to meet.” ~Unknown

We are living in times of massive change.

Looking at some of the problems we are facing—the crumbling economy, environmental pollution, wars over scarce resources—sometimes the idea of moving far away to a remote mountain top seems very attractive. Or hiding in that small space behind the computer screen. Anything that helps us avoid real life and all its challenges.

But of course, if everybody thought that way, who would actually get up and do something about our situation? And is it enough to receive words of comfort through an email? We also need a smile and a good hug.

Shouldn’t we move closer together in times of hardship?

Despite accelerating globalization, which is connecting everybody and everything in an ever-growing web, there is a worrying development: People are feeling more and more isolated.

We have hundreds of friends on Facebook, but hardly anybody knows the names of their neighbors. All the social online sites are great, no doubt about it. But does the exchange happening there provide the human warmth we so desperately need?

Recently there was a fire in the head office of my internet provider. Over 100,000 customers went involuntarily offline for three days. Lots of people complained, many panicked, and almost everybody suffered from some kind of withdrawal symptoms within the first day.

Imagine you were suddenly without Internet for a week. No email, no Facebook, and no chat rooms. An important question arises: Do you have enough friends left who live nearby? (more…)

June 7, 2011
How to Help Someone Who Won’t Help Themselves

“We work on ourselves in order to help others, but also we help others in order to work on ourselves.” ~Pema Chodron

Recently I got into a hypothetical conversation with someone who very quickly turned hostile and accusatory. Let’s call her Jane. My first instinct was to get defensive, but then I realized this subject was quite raw for Jane, and there was likely something going on below the surface.

Usually when people are combative seemingly without cause, there’s some underlying pain fueling it.

As we got to the root of things, I learned that Jane was holding onto anger toward someone she once loved, and she felt a strong, driving need to convince people that this other person was wrong.

Since she acknowledged that she’d been feeling depressed, lonely, and helpless, I felt obligated to at least try to help her see things from a different perspective. But that ultimately proved futile.

She was committed to being angry and hurt, and all she wanted from me was validation that she was justified.

I kept thinking back to how I felt at eighteen years old, reliving scenes of adolescent abuse that I refused to let go of well into my twenties. I spent years stewing in anger because I felt like a victim, and any threat to that comforting sense of righteousness only made me angrier.

Remembering how badly and unnecessarily I hurt myself, it felt imperative that I help her let go. I wanted to help her get out of her own way. I wanted her to do what I had failed to do for far too long.

Seeing that stubborn, bitter commitment to pain reminded me of how angry I was with myself when I realized I’d hurt myself far worse than anyone else—and how ashamed I felt when I realized I enjoyed being a victim, receiving pity, attention, and (what felt like) love.

Suddenly I recognized that I wasn’t just trying to help Jane; I was also judging my former self. (more…)

May 5, 2011
We Are Never Alone in the Storm

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

Like so many others living in Florida, my family was deeply affected by hurricane Charlie in August of 2004. We have completely recovered financially some years later, but the gravity of the situation leaves feelings close to the surface.

Our particular community was heavily hit by what were called spin-off tornadoes. Most people in Orlando did not believe the storm was coming our way. We had little notice that the storm path had changed from the forecaster’s prediction.

A friend from Jacksonville called and said, “They’re saying here it will hit Orlando tonight as a category four.” We hadn’t heard that yet and there was no time to board the windows or evacuate. The sky turned a very eerie dark gray and the reality was quite clear.

We listened to the battery powered radio as our power went out quite early in the storm. At one point we heard that serious tornadoes were spotted on radar near the airport. This was minutes from our house.

As we were devising a plan, we heard “If you can hear this and live in Conway, seek shelter in a bathroom or interior room now.”

My husband and I huddled in the bathroom sheltering our then-three-year-old with a mattress. I was pregnant with our second and we both knew this was serious. We began to hear heavy winds and then glass breaking. A tornado does very much sound like a train passing over your head. (more…)

January 11, 2011
15 Ways to Change the World

“When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad and that is my religion.” ~Abraham Lincoln

It’s no secret that we live in a world that’s obsessed with wealth, fame, and celebrities. Some call it the “age of narcissism.” I’m not sure I want to label or judge our current circumstances. Instead, like Gandhi suggests, I’ll put my focus on being the change I wish to see in the world.

I’m planning to mix things up a bit for 2010, and I invite you to do the same. Instead of creating New Year’s Resolutions that are all about me, I’m going to make mine all about others. Instead of trying to increase my own success, I’m going to set others up to succeed.

My personal idea was inspired by CNN’s “Hero of the Year 2009” given to one ordinary person making an extraordinary difference. CNN’s panel chose Efren Penaflorida as the winner for 2009. He received $100,000 for his organization. You can read about all 10 nominees here.

Being an everyday hero does far more for you than you may imagine. Some benefits of volunteering include: (more…)

December 1, 2009