Tiny Buddha

Tag: stuck

  • What to Do When You Feel Stuck, Stagnant, and Bored with Your Life

    What to Do When You Feel Stuck, Stagnant, and Bored with Your Life

    “Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place.” ~L.J. Vanier

    Earlier last year, I felt like I finally had it all. Good education? Check. Respectable corporate job? Check. Decent salary? Check. Fancy car? Check. Charming, funny, and handsome boyfriend? Check. Stylish apartment? Check.

    I should’ve been happy. So why didn’t I feel like I was? My life looked perfect on paper. So why did it still feel so empty? I’d done everything I thought I was supposed to. So why did I feel like a fraud? I had everything I’d ever wanted. So why didn’t it feel like enough?

    The answer is simple: I’d been too busy trying to curate a life that looked good on the outside to recognize how I felt on the inside. I’d been too busy trying to be who other people wanted me to be to realize who I actually was. I’d been too busy trying to seem important to identify what was actually important to me.

    I’d been too busy blindly going through the motions to realize that I was settling for jobs that didn’t align with my dreams, relationships that didn’t align with my needs, and a lifestyle that didn’t align with my values.

    For years, I’d been running on autopilot, my perpetual action serving as a convenient distraction. And it worked. Right up until the moment that I unpacked the last box on the day that my boyfriend and I moved in together.

    Because, as I sat there in our big, beautiful apartment, looking around at the designer furniture that I’d so carefully picked out and the face of the man that I’d not-so-carefully chosen to spend my life with, it hit me: Everything that I’d spent so long dreaming about was here, firmly within my grasp. It was a moment that had I had always fantasized about. But this was not how I imagined I would feel.

    At first, I put it down to situational jitters. Sure, I was crippled with anxiety, paralyzed by fear, and plagued with self-doubt most of the time, but that’s normal, right? It was a big transition, after all.

    And admitting to myself that something wasn’t working would mean making changes. Admitting to myself that I’d chosen the wrong path would mean stepping into the unknown. Admitting to myself that I wasn’t happy would mean taking responsibility. And I sure as hell wasn’t ready to do that.

    But with each hollow day and each sleepless night that passed, the feelings of dread, dissatisfaction, and emptiness only grew more and more unshakable.

    It wasn’t until the facade inevitably collapsed and I found myself single, unemployed, and moving back in with my parents that I realized: Those feelings weren’t a coincidence. They were a warning. A flashing, neon-lit sign that something was very, very wrong.

    The truth is, no amount of external approval can truly satisfy us. No amount of material excess can rescue us from our feelings. No amount of romantic attention can make our problems go away. And no amount of hedonistic thrills can fill the void of a soul that’s been neglected.

    For my entire adult life, I’d consistently and consciously chosen money over meaning, chemistry over connection, and validation over truth—and now I was paying the price.

    When the objects and attachments that had long awarded me the illusion of safety, purpose, and identity were gone, suddenly, I was unanchored, drifting and directionless, grasping for anything to save me from drowning in the sea of emptiness that stretched before me.

    I knew that I should be doing something with my life. But what? I had no hobbies, no interests, and no passions. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, let alone what I wanted to do.

    Besides, I was too shy, too cautious, too boring. People like me don’t do brave and adventurous things like starting a blog or becoming a yoga teacher or traveling the world. People like me conform and comply and consent to the life that has been prescribed to them.

    But rock bottom is a bittersweet place. Because when you find yourself face-to-face with your fears, you have no choice but to overcome them. When you no longer know who you are, you have no choice but to rediscover yourself. And when your entire life has fallen apart, you have no choice but to rebuild it.

    A spiritual awakening, an early-life crisis, a dark night of the soul—call it what you want. All I know is that, up until that point, it felt like I had been asleep, and I was finally starting to wake up. And the world didn’t seem so scary anymore. In fact, it seemed full of exciting possibilities.

    For the first time in my life, I felt alive and ready to follow my heart.

    So began a magical journey of self-discovery. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, like a seed sprouting into a plant, like a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly, I was reborn. And this new life that I’ve created is far better than the one that I left behind.

    The thing is, the minute I loosened my grip on the plans I had for the future, the minute I released the self-limiting beliefs that had dictated the way that I lived, the minute I shed the fictional expectations I’d placed on myself, I was liberated. Liberated from the life that had been crushing my hopes, repressing my dreams, sapping my spirit, and bankrupting my soul.

    The minute I gave myself permission to be me is the minute that I learned the true meaning of freedom.

    This last year, I’ve seen places that I never thought I would, done things that I never thought I could, and changed in ways that I didn’t think possible.

    I’ve launched a blog, joined a yoga course, taken a solo backpacking trip, taught myself new skills, made new friends and connections, started new hobbies, and set myself goals. I’ve said goodbye to the corporate world that was corrupting my values, the unhealthy relationships that were dragging me down, and the destructive habits that were holding me back.

    And I haven’t looked back since.

    So what can you do if you find yourself sleepwalking through life, feeling stuck, stagnant, dazed, and disconnected?

    Slow down.

    You don’t have to make any decisions right away. In fact, the more time you take, the better.

    You can’t make effective choices if you’re afraid. You can’t make accurate assessments if you’re checked out. And you can’t discover what’s really meaningful to you if you’ve lost touch with your emotions.

    So give yourself space. Make self-care a priority. Tune in to yourself.

    And the answers that you’ve been looking for? You’ll probably find that they’ve been right there inside of you all along. Chances are, you just haven’t been paying attention.

    Stop comparing.  

    Too often, we allow ourselves to fall into the trap of measuring ourselves against others. And with Instagram feeds inundated with skinny waistlines, flashy cocktail bars, exotic adventures, and picture-perfect families, who can really blame us?

    But just because something is right for someone else doesn’t mean that it’s right for you. Just because someone else seems like they’ve got it together doesn’t mean that they do. And just because the grass looks greener on the other side doesn’t mean that it is.

    So stop comparing your chapter one to someone else’s chapter twenty. Own your mess. Know that you are enough, imperfections and all.

    Get to know yourself.

    In the midst of my personal crisis, I would spend hours trawling the Internet, frantically Googling things like “how do I find my passion?” But I learned that your passion isn’t something you find. It isn’t something you discover overnight. And it isn’t something that has the power to change your life. Only you can do that.

    Life isn’t about finding your passion. It’s about being curious. Curious about who you are, about what you have to offer the world, and about what’s deeply and authentically important to you.

    So get introspective. Explore new things. Learn what lights you up.

    Ask yourself: What are your hobbies? What topics are you interested in? What are you good at? What are your values? Who do you admire and why? What have you always wanted to try but never had the money/time/courage to do? What activities did you enjoy as a child?

    And if you find something that scares you and excites you at the same time, do that.

    Let go.

    Nothing in life is permanent. Everything is changing all of the time. And the more you resist, the more you cling, the more you struggle against reality, the more you’re going to suffer.

    The reality is, most of what happens in life is out of your control. And in attempting to change, force, or manipulate your circumstances to meet your ideals, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.

    But if you learn how to relax with the uncertainty, how to surrender to the natural flow of life, and how to release what no longer serves you, you’re going to make way for what will serve you. So let go of the old blueprint you had for your life, the expectations that you set for yourself, and the idea that the past could or should have been different.

    Be open to change. Allow things to fall away. Trust that things will unfold as they are supposed to.

    Be true to yourself.

    This is your life. It’s up to you to decide what you do with it.

    The only thing standing between you and your dreams is you. And if you let your fears dictate your choices, if you let external opinions govern your actions, and if you let negative thoughts influence your beliefs, you’ll end up settling for what’s comfortable for you instead of what’s best for you.

    So stop getting in your own way. Define what success means to you and say no to everything that isn’t that. Don’t be afraid to share your gifts with the world—because we’re waiting.

    We might not be able to choose what happens to us, but we can choose how we spend our time on this Earth.

    We can choose to spend it working toward our dreams, or we can choose to spend it working toward someone else’s.

    We can choose to spend it doing something that is meaningful to us, or we can choose to spend it doing something that is meaningful to someone else.

    We can choose to spend it following our hearts, or we can choose to spend it helping someone else to follow theirs.

    I know what I’d rather be doing. Do you?

    “There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and you ask ‘What if I fall?’ Oh but my darling, what if you fly.” ~Eric Hanson

  • How to Release Emotions Stuck in Your Body and Let Go of the Pain

    How to Release Emotions Stuck in Your Body and Let Go of the Pain

    “The human mind is a relational and embodied process that regulates the flow of energy and information.” ~Daniel J. Siegel

    We are emotional creatures, and we were born to express emotions freely and openly. Somewhere along the way, however, many of us learned to repress emotions, especially those deemed “negative,” in order to fit in, earn love, and be accepted. This was my experience.

    I grew up in a home where the motto was “Children are to be seen, not heard.” There was little emotional expression allowed, let alone accepted. No one was there to validate or help us process emotions in a healthy way. Anger was met with anger, fear went unacknowledged, and there was plenty of shame to go around.

    My parents didn’t model how to deal with difficult emotions, as they struggled with that themselves. When those emotions showed up, I often felt overwhelmed and inadequate, ashamed of my failure to be a “good girl.”

    I learned to bury my pain deep inside, feeling invisible, ashamed, angry, alone, and unable to ask for what I needed. Trying to hide the pain—from others and myself—I built walls, put on masks, and soldiered on. For better or worse.

    My pain was buried so deep, I didn’t realize it was there until I had my own children. Motherhood opened up old wounds, the house of cards fell apart, and I began to unravel.

    In my thirties, faced with growing angst and creeping depression—and motivated to be the best parent I could be to my children—I began to deal with repressed memories and old emotional residue that has left me suffering from C-PTSD, chronic back pain, sciatica, headaches, and anxiety.

    As a child, I hid from the emotional pain by delving into the world of books, music, and academics. As an adult, I realized I was strong enough to face it. I wasn’t a little child anymore; I didn’t have to hide. Now I was more mature and had the resources I needed to finally face the pain that used to overwhelm my young brain—and begin to heal it.

    The truth is, we all hide our emotions occasionally. We pretend, avoid, and deny uncomfortable emotions in an effort of self-preservation, as a defense mechanism.

    We do this most often with difficult emotions like shame, fear, or anger. When we experience events that emotionally overwhelm us and we’re unable to process what is happening, accept our emotions, and express them through our body and mind, we hide them deep inside us where others can’t see them. And we end up hiding them from ourselves too. Yet, they’re still there.

    The unresolved emotions get trapped in our body, where they build and fester, draining our energy, leading to burnout, emotional imbalance, and eventually disease. When we chronically repress emotions, we create toxicity in our body, mind, and heart.

    This unprocessed emotional energy is stored in our organs, muscles, and tissues. It leads to inflammation and chronic health problems, and it undermines our overall well-being.

    3 Steps to Processing Emotional Energy Stuck in Your Body

    The opposite of repression is expression. In order to process our emotional distress and move it through and out of our body so it doesn’t get stuck there, we need to learn to express our emotions in a healthy way, in the body and mind. But first, we need to learn to recognize and accept our feelings as they come and go.

    Step 1: Recognize (self-awareness)

    The challenge is to recognize the emotion and feel it in your body. This is where mindfulness comes in. The goal is to notice what is happening within our body, accept it, and feel it fully, without judgment.

    If you’ve ever come across Tara Brach’s teachings on radical acceptance, the practice of R.A.I.N. should sound familiar. R.A.I.N. stands for recognize, allow, investigate, and nourish (with self-compassion), and it “directly de-conditions the habitual ways in which you resist your moment-to-moment experience,” according to Brach.

    Buddhist teachings tell us that human suffering is caused by aversion and resistance to what is happening. Acceptance is liberating, and the practice of R.A.I.N. teaches us to accept our moment-to-moment experience instead of running from it. It teaches us to face any difficulty head-on, with self-compassion and the understanding that it will eventually pass.

    We have to feel it to heal it—we have to fully experience the emotion in order to process and integrate it into our experience.

    But we must feel it in the body; this is the critical point. As Brach writes, “If the process of including difficult emotions in awareness stops at the level of cognitive understanding without a fully embodied experience, the genuine acceptance, insight, and inner freedom that are the essence of true healing will not be complete.”

    Practice mindfulness to get better at recognizing your feelings and observing the bodily sensations connected to those feelings as they come and go throughout the day. Offer yourself self-compassion as you go through more difficult emotions.

    PRACTICE:

    Sit still for a few minutes with your eyes closed. Listen to your body and become curious.

    What does your body feel like right now? Is there any pressure or tingling? Where? Do you feel heavy, hot, contracted, warm, or cold? What is the texture, weight, and shape of the sensations you notice in your body? What emotions are those sensations connected to? Can you breathe into the parts that call your attention? What do those parts of your body want to tell you? What do they want?

    Step 2: Respond (self-expression)

    Emotions need to be expressed to be processed. The goal is to move the energy of emotion through and out the body so we can let it go.

    This self-expression must be authentic and embodied. Remember, true healing occurs when body and mind integrate, so express the emotion on the bodily level first and foremost.

    Still sitting, ask yourself: What does this emotion you just connected with need from you? What feels right in this moment? What do you need?

    Maybe you feel the need to cry, scream into a pillow, go for a swim, walk or run, dance it out, hit a punching bag, do some gardening, tapping, yoga or TRE, paint your feelings out, or simply breathe deeply while facing the sun—whatever feels cathartic in that moment, do it.

    You will free the poisonous emotion that you carried within yourself and free yourself from its shackles.

    Follow this step with one of the best forms of emotional healing—journaling. Writing can be a very therapeutic experience of self-discovery, reconnecting with our true self, and processing our deepest feelings and emotions.

    When we write, we give our internal world a voice. We process and make sense of what is happening within us and around us. And we gain perspective; by writing about our fears and hurts, we can look at them from a distance, detach from their grip, and eventually let them go. That release can be truly healing.

    Practice journaling every day to get better at expressing and processing your feelings. Don’t censor or judge yourself; let it all out, completely unfiltered. Over time, your journal will become a safe space for you to free yourself, get unstuck, and move forward.

    We often don’t have the time and space to process emotions in the moment, so make sure you allow yourself the space to feel the emotions you’ve had through the day and journal about it at the end of each day.

    WRITING PROMPT

    What is happening in your life right now that you wish you could change? What is the biggest source of frustration? As you write, notice the sensations in your body. Tune into the parts that are numb, in pain, or frozen. What are they trying to tell you? What needs healing, attention, or change?

    Step 3: Reset (self-care)

    If we’ve habitually neglected our bodies and ignored our emotions, we have to re-dedicate ourselves to body-mind self-care and indulge in healing habits that will bring in the feeling of well-being.

    The goal is to realign back with your authentic self, reset back to a relaxed and open state, and come back into wellness and balance.

    Take time to slow down and be alone, get out into nature, make art, listen to music while you cook your favorite dinner, meditate to cleanse your mind and relax your body, or take a bubble bath or a nap to restore. Take good care of yourself to awaken to life’s joy and simple pleasures that will nourish your body, mind, and soul.

    My Own Healing Journey

    When I decided to take charge of my own healing, I had no idea where to start. A lifelong bookworm, I quickly discovered writing to be therapeutic. It became my refuge, a place where I could connect with my inner world in an authentic way. Writing became my most trusted way of processing emotions I didn’t even know I harbored inside since childhood. I discovered shame, anger, fear, grief, and eventually, self-compassion.

    With mindfulness, I learned to allow my pain to surface, if only for a brief time, then surround it with tender love and care. My pain was a part of me, and I was done running from it; it was time I faced it.

    I learned to sense into my body, little by little, as the anxiety of reconnecting with my physical sensations was very powerful. But I realized the only way out was through—through the body—so in order to move the stuck emotions that had a tight grip over me for decades, I had to allow and accept them; I had to feel the anger, the shame, the grief.

    Slowly, I learned to give my inner child the support she never received. I listened to and validated her pain—and helped her let go of it. I learned to love and accept her. And I finally learned to love and accept myself.

    Healing is a taxing process. Remember to give yourself all the care and compassion you would give to a friend doing this hard work. Offer yourself understanding, love, and care. This is hard work, and you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got.

    Trapped emotions get in our way. They sabotage our efforts to create the life we want and make us miserable along the way. Freeing this emotional energy stuck in our bodies can shift our lives in a positive way. It’s healing and liberating. And you are worth it!

  • What to Do If You Feel Trapped by Your Circumstances

    What to Do If You Feel Trapped by Your Circumstances

    “As long as we know we’re trapped, we still have a chance to escape.” ~Sara Grant

    Talking to someone last week who had to ‘volunteer’ to return to their country of birth, a country defined by the United Nations as one of the least developed in the world in terms of its economic conditions, was humbling.

    While I often find myself feeling trapped by the longevity, monotony, and intensity involved in child rearing, I wasn’t sure what I could say that might help someone who had been the victim of identity theft and, through lack of resources, had no option but to leave their family and the country they considered home.

    Hearing how anxious, depressed, and lonely she felt, I wondered what I could say that might make a difference. Then, as I relaxed, I realized that our situations might not be entirely different after all.

    I won’t deny that my quality of life in terms of living conditions and freedom to move around is fabulous. And I cannot deny, having lived this way, to have that taken away would feel dreadful. But I knew my sympathy would do nothing to change her circumstances.

    Instead, I took a different approach and, after the conversation that followed, I realized that what was being said applied as much to me as it did to her, and pretty much universally to anyone feeling trapped. While one person’s circumstances could be judged harsher than another’s, and there would likely be little debate about that, everything is relative, and we can all feel pain and entrapment in equal measure.

    The question is what to do about it that is helpful right now?

    Well, the overall aim is to feel your inner power, rather than a sense of hopelessness—no one can be free when they feel they are in chains. Regardless of our circumstances, how we think and feel about them is always within our control and our best hope of changing them.

    Here are the aspects we talked through:

    Surrender

    It’s our struggle with ‘what is’ that causes pain. The longer we try to resist the pain, the more it persists. Yet the worst has already happened; our circumstances are what they are.

    On an emotional level perhaps you’ve sunk to the depths of despair, which sits in a pit of hopelessness. Understand that depression is healthier than despair, and anger and frustration are healthier still. So when you are feeling emotions like anger, you have begun to take back your power, to acknowledge your right to have your freedom of choice, and you are going in the right direction.

    Do everything you feel inspired to do from a practical perspective to move in the direction you want to go. It’s also a good idea to sense check this with someone who can be objective about your situation and perhaps even offer other suggestions.

    The key here, though, is inspiration. If something you are doing, or others suggest, feels like a lead weight around your heart, that is your intuition shouting “other way.” In that case, keep to the bare minimum of what you feel duty bound to in this moment.

    I can remember back to trying to conceive and, after four failed pregnancies (my children are pregnancies five and six), there were a number of years when I couldn’t even get pregnant again. The well meaning advice was always “forget about it and it will just happen.”

    That kind of advice infuriated me. I’d think, “How am I supposed to forget something that dispatches a monthly reminder?” My partner and I did everything we could think of that felt right and, in the end, had to leave it to fate. It was at that point I became pregnant with our first child.

    Once you have done everything you feel inspired to do, let it go.

    While we ultimately all want to experience joy and love, as that is our natural state, ease and neutrality are a good goal at this point.

    I remember a scene in Nashville, one of my favorite TV dramas, where one character literally takes another who is wallowing in grief and anger and drops him in the middle of the woods. He was furious. It was actually a beautiful sunny day, but his only choice was to walk for miles. As he walked you could see him physically become unbound and relax more.

    Meditation and getting out into nature are great ways to bring ourselves back into balance, especially if we can do them regularly. This advice should never be underestimated. Our natural world is an amazing companion in the face of feeling trapped.

    Change the Narrative

    In order to feel our power and create change in our lives, we need to stop seeing ourselves as victims. You are in fact the hero of your story, and it’s likely the best parts have yet to unfold.

    You have to stop saying (even to yourself), “I don’t want to be here” because you are making yourself feel worse. That doesn’t mean you can or should start to think, “I love being here,” because you know that is not your truth. It is more about trying to focus on anything and everything that makes you feel better about being where you are.

    For me that’s easy, as child-rearing is fairly paradoxical and, as energy-sapping as it can be at times, it’s just about the most inspiring, enlightening, and fulfilling thing I’ve ever done. For that person I was talking to, while she is currently trapped in a third world country, it is one of the most beautiful countries in our world and there is an abundance of opportunities to help others.

    Take Your Power Back

    Rather than worrying about how to break out of this hole, bring light into it and life will, in its right timing, show you the way.

    In the meantime, look for other ways to find power and be purposeful. I have a friend who was feeling trapped by the need to make money, yet yearned for more meaning in her life. She took a job helping children with special needs, which—while not her calling—holds purpose for her, and she feels like she’s making a difference.

    You must look for ways in which you can be free/ Your thoughts are key, as how you view your situation can make all the difference.

    A powerful way to change your perspective is to consider that, while you may feel trapped right now, life-changing events can happen at any time—but you have to be open to notice them. If you look back on the amazing things that have happened in your life, you’ll start to see the importance of little unpredictable moments: chance meetings, something you happened to read or watch, or something someone said.

    If you can imagine that the new circumstances you dream of require some of these serendipities to line up, and you have an important contribution to make or an important lesson to learn in the process, it may help you feel better about your present circumstances. Think of it as a journey paved with stones that you can only see when you are looking for the best in where you are right now, and then jump from one to the next as inspiration arises; these are your lifeline.

    As you get used to feeling your freedom and power again in the smallest of ways, life will start to respond.

    Fill Your Cup

    To get there we have to focus on anything other than those aspects of our circumstances causing us to suffer. Do things, big or small, that distract you and make you feel better. Read, watch, and listen to whatever fills your cup.

    Again, make it a priority to get out among nature. It sounds cliché, but our natural world is like a strong, steady heartbeat, and it really helps you to gain perspective while holding you in a nurturing space.

    Write down all the things you are thankful for. I used to write out “I am grateful for…” but found it more personal and powerful to say “Thank you for…”

    If you struggle to get started on this, start with things that mostly everyone takes for granted, like the sun coming up each day. Despite our circumstances, there are usually people, places, knowledge, experiences, and other things—aspects of our selves—we are thankful to have had or currently have in our life.

    Reach out and help others in ways that are meaningful to you. Your experiences can help people, which will help you to reconnect with the love within you. It is harder to be lonely when you allow this broader part of you to take its place in the light.

    Trust

    Circumstances change; this is not forever. You have to trust that, in time, solutions will present themselves and you will be inspired to act in ways that lead you where you want to go.

    Here is a practice I learned from Anthony William to rebuild trust. Each evening as the sun is setting, take time just to notice it. This small act, done regularly, helps us to reconnect at a primordial level with the rhythm of life. Just as we can trust that the sun will rise and set each day, as we reengage with that our basic trust in life to support us also restores.

    I believe there are no accidents in this life. This means there is something about your situation that will help you (and likely others) in the long run. While you might not feel it right now, you are powerful, and you are here to make a difference. Do not give up on yourself, this world needs you.

    I also believe you’ve been called to this point for a reason, and you are not ever given anything you can’t handle. You can get through this and even find the best parts of it.

    In the meantime, be strong, be kind to yourself, and know that you are enough and you are worthy.

  • You Aren’t Stuck in Life: Commit to Change and Get Started

    You Aren’t Stuck in Life: Commit to Change and Get Started

    “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” ~Mark Twain

    We all have big dreams, big goals, and big ideas on what we think our life should look like, or how we think life will end up.

    Some of us meticulously plan out our lives, envisioning and letting ourselves daydream as we think about all the stuff we’d love to accomplish. I’d wager that our plans include some pretty big things in life that would make us feel pretty proud.

    The problem is, a lot of us have trouble reaching the potential we’ve set for ourselves. Time kind of flies by, and we end up looking back and wondering what went wrong.

    Well, one reason stands out like a sore thumb: We never really get started doing the things we truly want to do. We’re all guilty of it, and that includes me.

    I’ve cooked up dozens (literally dozens) of ideas or things I wanted to try over the years. How many did I actually try? Far less than dozens; let’s just say the ratio isn’t exactly working in my favor.

    Now, as time has gone by, I’ve been able to explore more of them. But as you know, some of them got shelved for good. I probably don’t even remember half of the things I wanted to try and never did.

    Why did I not try? What was the reasoning behind it? Why did I lack the forward motion necessary to at least attempt something and see if it sticks? I, like you, are fully aware that not everything we do will end up being a calling in life. But you won’t know until you give it a shot.

    To help you better understand this idea pertaining to a lack of motion, one must take a step back and realize that life, in a very big nutshell, is a series of decisions and actions. These two components are crucial for our self-growth and success in life and unfortunately are not mutually exclusive.

    Without making a decision and following it up with action, we could spend our entire lives stuck in the exact same place.

    If you make a decision but don’t take any action, not much will happen. On the other hand, if you take a bunch of actions without any decisions driving them, you’ll aimlessly float around.

    Being stuck in the same place or floating around aimlessly sounds torturous, doesn’t it? It is, and a lot of people must be living real-life nightmares. I had to wake up from my own years ago.

    Good or bad, where you are in life at this very moment is a reflection of all the past choices you’ve made. Some of us will read that and smile, maybe even give ourselves a little nod of appreciation if it’s good. On the other hand, a fair number of us will probably have a hard time digesting it.

    If you aren’t quite where you thought you’d be, I’d like to start by just saying that it’s perfectly okay. Most of us aren’t really where we thought we’d be, and we’re still giving it our best shot.

    There are generally two reasons you aren’t at your “ideal” place. A small chance is that life gave you an obstacle course with things completely out of your control; in other words, life got in the way temporarily. But there’s a bigger possibility you aren’t where you thought you’d be: you just flat out didn’t pursue something. And it was likely out of fear.

    In other words, you didn’t really ever get started.

    The Good And The Bad News

    Let’s start with the bad news: You never got started, and now you’ve wasted some valuable time moving toward your goals. Your life isn’t really playing out like you thought it would, and you feel somewhat stuck with your current habits, lifestyle, relationships, career, and other things.

    Pause for a moment and take a deep breath, as this might have hit closer to home than you’d prefer.

    Good, you’re still with me.

    Now let’s transition to the good news, because it’s actually really good:

    You’re never stuck, and while the best time to start something was yesterday, the next best time is now.

    You, yes you, have the ability to create the life you want, but it requires you to make moves. And while you may have fallen short previously, it doesn’t mean you will fall short going forward.

    Here’s the bottom line: your past does not dictate your future. Your past habits and lifestyle do not have to determine your lot in life.

    The Idea Behind Starting

    You’ve probably heard the quote “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Well, it sure is true. Because really, is anything built in a day?

    Was your house fully built on top of a piece of land in a day? Was that skyscraper completely erected in a day? Did you apply for, interview, and start working at your job in the span of twenty-four hours?

    Things take time to build. Let’s say you’ve been wanting to switch careers because your soul has been sucked completely dry. You planted the career switching seed a while ago, and you’ve been letting it marinate for far too long.

    Yet you haven’t made any moves, and in the meantime, nothing has changed. Does this sound familiar? I found myself in this exact position years ago. I was miserable at a job I didn’t enjoy. I wanted to change, but I got scared of the unknown and didn’t make any changes.

    Years passed by before I got a kick in the pants and decided to take a change. It took getting laid off, but it was the best thing that happened to me. I decided enough was enough. It was time to ultimately change my entire career, and also start exploring other smaller avenues on the side.

    But unfortunately, I didn’t really know the one thing I needed to do professionally in order to be more fulfilled. I knew what I didn’t want to do (hello old career), but I also didn’t know what I wanted to do.

    I began formulating. Writing goals. Crafting some business plans. Attending meetups and networking around areas I found interesting. It was through this meetup that I came across a three-month program being offered in a particular field that I had once tinkered with in high school, but walked away from.

    And voila, I am now in my new career. You can put the pieces together, but I took a leap and joined the program. Fear and all. I was scared, but now I am in a field that is 180 degrees from my previous one. And all it took was attending a meetup. Funny how life works.

    Self-doubt and fear are the two biggest barriers in our quest to make moves. A third, and less talked about one, is pure overwhelm: seeing where you are and looking where you want to go leaves you exasperated.

    This is where movement comes into play. You take steps, however small, toward your visions and goals. You make sure you’re moving forward.

    And here’s the cool thing: The force that you apply, in other words the actions you take, can be extremely small and still produce positive results. This is the idea of micro-movement.

    What does this mean? If you’re scared to make a move because you’re overwhelmed by the end result of where you think you need to go, it’s really important to realize one big thing: your collection of small steps equals big results.

    No one takes a leap of faith and accomplishes life’s biggest goals in the same breath. Life rewards those who take consistent, measurable action, while enjoying a dose of patience and commitment.

    Putting All The Pieces Together

    Most people have an idea of some higher-level goals they’d love to accomplish in their lives. Be it personal, health, finances, career, relationships, or all five, every single one of us has fallen victim to overwhelm and the paralyzing nature of fear.

    But a few things are happening in your favor.

    Namely, the universe is here to aid you in your dreams and desires if you let it.

    It just requires a few things:

    • A decision made internally to change
    • A desire to take the steps required
    • A realization that micro-movements forward are perfectly normal
    • Actually making moves
    • A dose of patience and commitment

    Then, the laws of motion will help you take care of the rest because you’ll have built movement and momentum.

    You aren’t stuck in life. You are capable of making a lot of power moves.

    The key is just getting started.

  • You’re Not Stuck

    You’re Not Stuck

  • How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy

    How to Let Go of the Limiting Stories That Keep You Stuck and Unhappy

    “It’s not what you look at that matters; it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

    We don’t see with our physical eyes, we see with our minds. I learned this lesson the hard way when I turned fifty-five. Suddenly, new wrinkles, deeper crow’s feet, dry eyes, and dryer skin seem to enjoy welcoming me each morning when I looked in my mirror.

    I began to notice other people my age and I would automatically compare my appearance to theirs. Was she younger looking than me? Did she still appear under fifty (even when I knew she wasn’t)?

    As you might guess, the negative train of doubt, comparison, and judgment did not fill me with joy. Instead, a looming sense of dread began to permeate through my life, dragging me into the abyss of aging despair. Hope became a lost memory, and the inevitability of growing older my reality.

    My age stories became a lens through which I saw my life.

    My mirror was my worst enemy. The more anti-aging skin care products I bought, the less I liked myself. It soon became a self-fulling prophecy—I thought I looked old, so I started acting older.

    It wasn’t until after I meditated that I realized the trap I had fallen into—telling myself limiting stories when I had the same ability to tell myself something positive and empowering. I learned to shine my awareness on the negative beliefs and use a simple process to reframe them.

    Story Alchemy™ to the Rescue

    The word “alchemy” has earned a bad reputation over the centuries. Magic and witchcraft are associated with it, as well as charlatans and sorcerers. But alchemy is really about transformation.

    Instead of changing lead into gold, Story Alchemy guides you through a simple four-step process to transform your limiting stories from negative to empowering.

    The four steps are:

    1. Realize.

    You have to first realize that you created your story. No one else—just you. When you accept this fact, it returns your power to change your story.

    2. Responsibility.

    Once you acknowledge that you created your story, you understand that you have the responsibility to change it. If your story keeps you playing small, then it’s time to decide to tell a different version.

    3. Reframe.

    This is the fun part! Reframing requires looking at the situation or person and seeing another side that you did not acknowledge before now. Every situation can be reframed into a positive version. If nothing else, that fact that you survived to tell the story is cause enough to celebrate.

    4. Release.

    The last step requires forgiveness of yourself for creating the limiting story. Being kind and compassionate to yourself releases you to tell your new story. The old one has served its purpose, now it is time to let it go and replace it with the new, empowering version.

    How did I use Story Alchemy to see past the physical evidence of growing older? I realized that I had accepted society’s definition of age, and I set about creating a new definition.

    Now when you ask me how old I am, I will always respond (with a twinkle in my eye) that “I am as old as I think I am. Today, I think I am in the mid-forties.”

    The person usually laughs and nods her head, acknowledging my joie-de-vivre if not my humor.

    My declaration of age in terms of how I feel makes me happy, because tomorrow, I can decide again how old I feel. My self-image and value is not tied to a number that I can’t control, which is quite a liberating concept.

    As I began telling my new story about my age, I noticed something peculiar. Whenever I passed by a mirror, I deliberately stopped and took a moment to look deep into my own eyes. A spark of divine light was always waiting for me to acknowledge it.

    Knowing that I am the embodiment of such loving energy always puts a spring in my step and a smile on my lips. I know that I am not just my body or my age, but part of something so much bigger than myself.

    Of course, age is only one topic that is ripe for limiting stories. There are so many more—money, relationships, career…the list could easily expand beyond the word count for this article. The point is to start becoming aware of your limiting stories and make a conscious decision to pivot and tell a more empowering version.

    For example, if you are struggling in a relationship or have a history of “failed” relationships, why not take some time to discover the thread that runs through your past? It is helpful to pretend that you are an “explorer” and you want to discover the buried treasure in your past. Some questions you might ask yourself are:

    • What did the other person claim was the reason?
    • What limiting story do you carry with you about that relationship?

    As you dig deeper into the rich soil of your past, you will discover some artifacts of insight. Make a chart and write down what you discover about each relationship. A pattern may begin to emerge that will lead you to a common story you told yourself that led you to act in a way that impacted the health of the relationship.

    Remember, the stories you tell yourself filter your reality. If you believe that you are incapable of forming new relationships because you are too sensitive, then you will be. If you are convinced that you are too old to learn a new career, you will remain stuck. If you always feel constricted around the topic of money, then its energy will never flow the way it is supposed to.

    After you alchemize your limiting stories, you will see the light instead of the dark. Your sensitivity in relationships actually makes you a better listener and friend. Your work experience is valuable, especially when you are confronted with conflict because you have a deeper understanding of people and their motivations. Money is seen as just an exchange of value, instead of a definition of your value.

    When you begin using your new, empowering story, observe the changes that naturally result in your relationships. Because you have changed your internal dialogue, your external actions will also shift.

    You may also discover small bits of your authenticity that you had forgotten. You may find that you laugh more often and you give yourself permission to be playful or silly. As you peel away the layers of limiting stories, your vision will clear and you will see yourself and your world from a new perspective.

    The end result is that your mind and eyes will begin to see the same things. No longer in conflict, you will notice random moments of happiness and joy bursting into your awareness. Be forewarned: spontaneous dancing may also occur!

  • 7 Steps to Overcome Daily Despair and Start Living Again

    7 Steps to Overcome Daily Despair and Start Living Again

    Man on Mountain

    “If you cannot make a change, change the way you have been thinking. You might find a new solution.” ~Maya Angelou

    Have you ever felt really stuck? Like every day was a struggle to get through and you knew in your heart the next day would feel the same?

    For the last seven years—since the crash of 2008—I’ve been redefining myself, and it’s been painful.

    In 2009 I opened an Internet retail store, knowing nothing about retail, let alone the intricacies of the Internet.

    After years of hard work and little to show for it, every day began to feel like total drudgery. Facing daily discouragement and defeat weighed heavily on me.

    I began to lose my self-confidence and doubt everything I was doing. I was frozen by the fear of failure.

    Every day was torture. Each morning I promised myself I would be productive, but day after day I failed to accomplish even the simplest tasks. Days added up to weeks, and weeks piled up into months of “stuckness,” frustration, and despair. I was literally ensuring my failure. And I knew it.

    Despair encompassed every area of my life. I felt like I was thrashing through quicksand. I stopped meditating regularly, couldn’t get enough sleep, and the stress was affecting my digestion and my health. I was in a fog of depression.

    Although these issues manifested in my business life, I placed such a focus on making my business succeed that I lost all balance. My personal life suffered greatly. Despair can’t be compartmentalized. It affects all aspects of your life.

    Why do we get stuck?

    The irony of life is that so many of our problems—the stumbling blocks that hold us back—are often there because we get in our own way. We can create a prison of continued, daily suffering for ourselves. And then all we can do is agonize because we desperately want out.

    Each day we wake up in a fog hoping the cloud will lift. We simply can’t see clearly enough to evaluate our problems and realize that each one links back to an action or thought that created it.

    If only we could see this, we could untangle the threads and clear up our lives. Knowing the cause can make the problem much easier to fix if we can just get our minds in the right place.

    How to Reset Your Mind

    Use the following seven steps to overcome daily despair and start living again:

    1. Break the pattern.

    The first thing to do with any negative pattern is stop what you’re doing. You’ve got to break a pattern to change it. This means emotionally removing yourself from the situation. You’ve got to regroup.

    Taking time away is helpful. If that’s not feasible, find a quiet place where you can retreat for alone time during all spare moments. If you have kids, do this while they’re sleeping or safely occupied.

    Tell yourself you’re leaving all your worries outside the door and you’ll pick them up later if you decide to. You deserve this time. You need it. Think of it as a gift to yourself.

    If you’re open to meditation, this is a perfect time to start a practice or deepen your existing one.

    I separated myself from despair during my time alone by admitting that I was torturing myself and not accomplishing anything. I declared that I refused to live like that any longer, and promised I would find a different way.

    2. Free your mind.

    During your free time, don’t think about problem-solving of any kind. Focus on resting, healing, and gifting yourself with positive, healthy thoughts and experiences.

    Change your daily activities from TV and other distractions to calming interests. Take walks outdoors. Read only uplifting things. Catch up on your sleep. Get to bed early when possible.

    Clear your mind by practicing silence. Silence does wonders to slow your thoughts and help you to be mindful of the present good moments.

    I began to shift my focus to meditation and other down-time activities instead of work. I practiced silence every morning while walking to clear my mind and stay healthy. And I made time for friends and family even when I didn’t feel like I had the time.

    I was so relieved that my despair soon began to lift when I stopped focusing all my efforts on work.

    3. Collect ideas to kick-start your thinking.

    Once you’ve broken your pattern, determine the key issue you’re struggling with and find a high-quality resource to begin collecting ideas.

    Are your relationships getting you down? Do you need some spiritual rejuvenation? Is your problem depression? Do you need to learn positive thinking, stress management, or time management?

    Plenty of resources to address your problem are at your fingertips on the Internet, in a bookstore or library, at a local group meeting or Meetup, or a seminar. Find something that sparks your interest and has received top recommendations from others, and dive in.

    I took an online marketing course to rebrand my business. The instructor planted the thought that I’d be much happier shifting my business into something I was more passionate about.

    After listening to me, she suggested that I share what I’ve been doing for years on my yoga path to help others like I was helping myself.

    4. Give your situation some preliminary thought.

    Armed with fresh ideas and with the new resilience gained from your self-care, begin to gently daydream some possibilities.

    This is important. Approach this in a relaxed way—not grasping for answers but allowing them to surface naturally if they do. It’s not even a requirement. This is a creative process.

    During this time, I casually ran ideas through my mind to see if sharing my yoga experiences was a possibility. A big part of me wasn’t sure it was right because my practice was so personal. But I loved the idea of turning my passion into my work.

    5. Trust the process.

    There’s no plug and play solution for transforming despair. Your subconscious, creative, problem-solving mind takes time to process properly.

    Be patient. You don’t need all the answers right now—just some starter fluid to get your brain thinking. As with any creative process, the first answers won’t be your best.

    Know that the right answers will come in time because you’re feeding your mind and you’ve removed all pressure. If you’re stressing out at all or pushing too hard for answers at any point, back off and resume Step 2.

    6. Reset your reality through change.

    Once you’ve cleared your mind, absorbed input from a trusted resource, and eased into daydreaming, you can start making some changes in your life.

    When promising, unique answers begin to surface, start deciphering the details.

    Although the advice you found probably felt uplifting and hopeful, in order to successfully transform your life, you’ll need to put the new ideas into practice. What steps can you take to follow the recommendations?

    It took me a full year from the first time I thought about changing my focus to actually doing something about it. The more I daydreamed about what can be accomplished through the ancient yoga teachings, the more it seemed a perfect fit for me to spread the word.

    I incorporated my instructor’s advice, and made sharing my yoga journey a main part of my business. This time I consulted respected resources to learn how to do it successfully rather than winging it like I did with the retail store.

    Your answer doesn’t have to mean changing your work. My business had to change because it wasn’t working and I was allowing it to cause my despair.

    You can change whatever aspect of your life is causing your pain.

    7. Trace back to the thoughts or actions that caused your stuck feeling.

    Changing the outer aspects of your life is often the best way to uproot despair. But to make the change permanent, it’s important to carefully consider the inner aspects. Identify the thoughts or actions that resulted in your situation to begin with.

    For me, my business wasn’t taking off like I expected it to, raising serious issues of self-doubt. Not making it work meant failure. Hadn’t I already failed to hang on to my career in corporate America?

    This doubt caused me to spend more time researching what I should do to market the business than actually marketing it. I was always being attracted to the next “best idea.” Fearing it wouldn’t work, I kept searching instead of implementing.

    When I finally realized that self-doubt had caused my problem, I was able to start implementing instead of doubting, and complete my healing.

    —

    No matter how bad life seems, you can find the way out of despair.

    We all need time to rejuvenate, so break your pattern. Take time to reflect on what you truly want out of life and what you must do to get back on course.

    The answers often are not complex. They’re just hidden because you lost your focus on what’s important.

    Take some time to think about the thoughts or actions that may have led to your despair. Once you identify the problem, with a little guidance you can correct it and completely change your life.

    The best part? Your answers will often arise on their own once you devote time to yourself to heal and reflect.

    Man on mountain image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Sentence That Helps When You Feel Overwhelmed

    A Simple Sentence That Helps When You Feel Overwhelmed

    Woman Hiding Under Pillow

    “Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Days after the initial divorce from my ex-partner, I wanted to meet two very close friends in the city. I knew they would be loving and supportive and that the experience would be good for me. But I was so grief stricken and overwhelmed with emotion that even leaving the house felt like a monumental effort.

    Sitting on the edge of my bed, picturing all the steps it would take me from where I was now to where they were seemed insurmountable. Normally, I would have jumped in my car and traveled to them with ease. But I wasn’t at home; I was staying with my family and I didn’t have a car.

    Being in unfamiliar territory, there was the challenge of working out the public transport timetable (not one of my strongest traits even at the best of times), the fear of breaking down on the bus, and a general air of vulnerability and shame.

    Weeping silently, I considered simply staying at home. But the idea of being alone brought a fresh wave of pain. The thought of spending the morning by myself in an empty house was too much to bear.

    I was caught between two painful ideas: stay at home alone with my grief or face the anxiety of traveling in a fragile state.

    Thankfully, my years of meditation practice came to the rescue and I heard an inner voice say, “Focus on the very next step.”

    A sigh of relief escaped my lips as I realized that I didn’t have to travel all the way to the city to meet my friends. I just needed to do the very next thing.

    I gave myself permission to only focus on what was in front of me. I didn’t have to go anywhere I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want.

    All I had to take was the very next step, without thought for what came after or commitment to a particular outcome.

    First up, get dressed. I didn’t think about the fashionable choice; I simply focused on the process of dressing. One leg in the pants, second leg in. Pop the t-shirt over my head. Breathing deeply each time and moving slowly but surely.

    This simple act was enough to undo me. A fresh flood of tears ran down my face, as the pain and shame hit me. I couldn’t do this. I should be handling this better. Why couldn’t I just go and meet my friends like a “normal person”?!

    Drawing deep on all my training, I put one hand over my heart and one on my belly. I felt my breath moving in and out, my belly rise and fall. Sinking into this feeling of presence, I practiced a little self-compassion.

    Recognizing that I was experiencing a moment of suffering, just like a “normal person,” I was able to send some kindness to my tender heart. Just as I would have comforted a hurting friend, I soothed my nervous system with gentle thoughts and deep breaths.

    Once again, I heard the voice: “Focus on the very next step.”

    So I did. I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Not so I could go and meet my friends all the way in the city, but simply to experience the sensation of brushing my teeth.

    Next, I placed each object into a bag that I may need if I was leaving the house. Not that I was necessarily leaving the house. It was simply a task of placing objects, one by one, into a bag. Keys, wallet, phone…

    Then, a short investigation. What bus would take me from the house to the city? A simple act of curiosity. Information gathering. Just a little research.

    I repeated each task in this same fashion. Slow, deliberate, present. Without focusing on the reason or the end result of each exercise, I was able to complete each one with full attention. This presence helped me feel calm and secure throughout the entire journey.

    Breathe, walk out the front door. Breathe, wait at the bus stop. Breathe, watch the suburbs roll past the window. Breathe, walk step by step to the meeting place.

    I made it all the way to the city and fell into the arms of my friends. There were tears of relief as I realized I’d completed the “insurmountable journey” by taking it one step at a time. The time we spent together was nourishing and healing. The sense of quiet pride at making it this far was restorative.

    When I focused on the very next step, I was able to overcome the devastating emotions and inertia. And in the weeks to come, although I faced many difficult days, this mantra went on to help me overcome overwhelm each time.

    If you’re facing a challenging transition, it’s easy to feel swamped by a tidal wave of emotions and thoughts. So when you’re feeling overwhelmed, let go of the myriad of decisions and actions that you need to take. Simply focus on the step that’s right in front of you.

    You may not know all the steps you need to take—and that’s okay. You don’t need to know the end before you start. You simply need to take the immediate action that is required right now and that will lead you further down the path.

    If you focus on the very next step, you’ll be able to release overwhelm and get through any transition you face.

    Woman hiding under pillow image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Feeling Stuck

    5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You’re Feeling Stuck

    “Remember, you can’t reach what’s in front of you until you let go of what’s behind you.” ~Unknown

    After recently relocating from the UK to Central America, I found it hard to focus my energy and attention again. The upheaval had been all consuming and I was now in a new environment with new routines, new challenges, and a new way of life to adjust to.

    I had so much I wanted to do, and I didn’t know which area of life to focus on first. The stuckness I felt affected several different areas of my life, from creating a new exercise routine, to reworking how to spend my mornings, to deciding which work projects to focus on first.

    Every time I’ve felt stuck or stagnant in life, I’ve noticed that what helps me get out of this place isn’t trying to resolve everything at once. When I try to take action or make changes blindly, I sometimes end up feeling even more stuck than I felt before. Instead, what helps is taking a step back and asking myself the right questions.

    Here are five of my favorite questions to ask myself when I’m feeling stuck:

    1. What is the number one thing that, if I started doing it, would have the biggest positive impact on my life?

    I love asking myself this question because it cuts through the noise and brings me to what is most important right now.

    One of the times I tend to feel stuck is when I’m trying to focus on too many things at once. I experience overwhelm, decision fatigue, and consequently don’t take the action that would get me unstuck again.

    In his book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, author Greg McKeown reveals that the word “priorities” didn’t exist in plural form until the 20th Century. Until then, the only usage was “priority.” The concept of choosing just one priority has been lost since then, and this question helps us return to that focus.

    I also find it powerful to flip this question and ask myself, “What is the number one thing that, if I stopped doing it, would have the biggest positive impact on my life?” Thinking about the question from this perspective leads to valuable insights that introduce a little more clarity and ease into my life.

    2. What is “good enough?”

    Expecting or desiring perfection is one of the fastest ways to feel stuck, because perfection doesn’t exist. When we approach different areas of our lives with the belief “this either has to be perfect or it’s a failure,” it’s understandable we shy away from making decision or taking action. That’s a lot of pressure!

    Instead, I’ve found it helpful to ask myself “What does good enough look like here?” Good enough isn’t about scrimping on effort or not trying. It’s about challenging ourselves without introducing the unrealistic burden of superhuman results.

    3. What do I really want, and how might I be stopping myself from getting that?

    We often have far more control over some things than we think we do. When we don’t take ownership of this power, we can feel helpless in the face of external events and forces and also feel stuck.

    Of course, there are many things that we can’t influence. We need to be discerning about focusing on what we can control and letting go of the things we can’t.

    For example, many of us want other people in our lives to validate and support our decisions and actions, but we can’t control how other people feel, act, or respond. If we’re waiting for others to change or to give us permission before we go for what we want, we’re waiting for something that is beyond our control.

    Asking this question helps us identify where we might have more control over our situation than we think we do. It also sheds light on what we can do differently to feel more powerful and in charge of our circumstances.

    4. In ten years’ time, what will be most important to me?

    How many big decisions from ten years ago can you remember today? I don’t know about you, but a lot of the things I agonized over a decade ago aren’t even on my radar now!

    The gift of hindsight is a beautiful thing, and the good news is that we don’t need to wait for ten years to pass to get clarity on current events and choices.

    When I ask myself this question, it takes me out of a scarcity-based short-term mindset and helps me stay true to my values in the long-term. I can focus on who I want to be and on the activities and projects that most contribute to my long-term desires and goals.

    5. Who do I need to become to do what I want to do?

    We tend to think of getting unstuck in terms of action and doing. While this is important, there’s another piece we need to take into account too: our identity.

    In the past, I’ve felt stuck even though I’ve known exactly what my next action steps were and that I’m capable of taking them. In these times, the issue has been my self-concept (i.e. how I see myself). If the action conflicts with my self-concept, I’m likely to feel stuck until I acknowledge that and shift my perspective of myself.

    This happened when I started running and exercising regularly. After a while, I would stop doing either of these things without knowing why. Because of this, I wasn’t seeing much change or difference in my fitness levels or skill, and it was frustrating.

    When I unpacked what was happening, I realized that I just didn’t see myself as a sporty person. I had a leftover identity from childhood of “the unathletic one,” and exercising on a regular basis challenged this. In order to reach my fitness goals, I needed to shift my self-concept from “unathletic” (a judgment) to “someone who takes care of themselves on a regular basis.”

    Through doing this, the resistance shifted and I was able to make regular exercise part of my life.

    What questions do you ask yourself when you feel stuck? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

  • 50 Questions That Will Help You Feel Grateful and Good About Life

    50 Questions That Will Help You Feel Grateful and Good About Life

    “Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~Melody Beattie

    There’s very little that upsets me like feeling stuck and out of control. That’s exactly how I felt at the beginning of this year.

    Things were going well in many areas of my life, but I was unhappy living in my boyfriend’s childhood home in a Bay Area suburb, after we’d spent years living in LA and traveling. Though I knew this was ideal for him, it just didn’t feel right for me,

    And even if I could wrap my brain around asking him to leave his hometown when he was just settling back in and reconnecting with old friends, I wasn’t entirely sure what would make sense for us both long term, given that we have family on opposite coasts.

    Some days I’d start crying out of nowhere, while eating breakfast, working, or watching TV. I’d feel fear, anxiety, and confusion, and then more guilt for being so emotional and unable to identify and own my desires.

    One day I realized I’d fallen into a trap I’d fallen into many times before, and an ironic one, at that: because I’d felt trapped in my circumstances, I’d gotten trapped in my emotions.

    I was dwelling, overanalyzing, and worrying about worst-case scenarios. No wonder I was so blocked. I was trying to solve a problem from a place of desperation and fear. Always a recipe for disaster.

    So I decided to do something I’d done before, but hadn’t in quite a while: I started a gratitude journal.

    I knew I needed to nurture more positive emotions on a daily basis, and that everything would get clearer and easier from there.

    At first it was a little difficult. I’d write something down—“catching up with my brother,” for example—but it didn’t necessarily change how I felt.

    That’s when I remembered that knowing you should be grateful and truly feeling gratitude are two very different things.

    In order to actually feel gratitude, I had to dig deeper and reflect upon just how fortunate I was.

    People have always seen me as fortunate, even when I was secretly struggling with depression and bulimia, as I’ve always appeared to have a lot going for me.

    But I realize I am more fortunate than ever at this point in my life. I just needed a little more to help me access my gratitude, buried as it was beneath layers of fear and anxiety.

    Throughout this year, I’ve been building a list of questions that help me identify what I most appreciate about my life and the people in it.

    If you too could benefit from nurturing more positive emotions—and let’s face it, we all could—try asking yourself one of these questions and see where they take you.

    1. What’s one kind or thoughtful thing someone did for you recently?

    2. Who is always there for you, and how do you feel about them?

    3. Who has helped you become the person you are today, and what’s the top thing you’d thank them for?

    4. Who’s someone who always really listens when you talk, and how does that affect you?

    5. How have your spiritual beliefs or practices fulfilled you recently?

    6. What’s the best thing that happened today so far?

    7. What’s something that inspired or touched you recently?

    8. Has anyone done anything recently that made your job easier?

    9. What’s one thing you enjoyed about doing your job recently?

    10. Can you think of any non-physical gifts you’ve received recently—someone’s time, attention, understanding, or support?

    11. What about today has been better than yesterday?

    12. Who have you enjoyed being around recently, and why?

    13. How have you used your talents and abilities recently, and what have you enjoyed about doing that?

    14. What have you learned recently that will help you in the future?

    15. What made you laugh or smile today?

    16. What’s the last song you heard that you enjoyed? How did it make you feel, and why?

    17. Have you experienced any blessings in disguise lately—things that didn’t turn out as you’d hoped and yet turned out for the best?

    18. What’s the weather like today, and what’s one good thing about that?

    19. How has technology enhanced your life and your connections recently?

    20. Have you had an opportunity to help someone recently, and how did you feel about that?

    21. What’s one thing you experienced recently that made you feel a sense of wonder or awe?

    22. What’s the best thing about your home, and have you taken time to enjoy it recently?

    23. If you didn’t get what you wanted today, can you identify something in what you got that’s worth having?

    24. What’s improved about your life from this time last year?

    25. What choices have you made in the last five years that you’d thank yourself for making?

    26. What’s something you did well recently, and what qualities or skills enabled you to do this?

    27. Who made a positive difference in your life recently?

    28. What’s something you’re looking forward to in the future?

    29. What did you learn from the most difficult part of your day yesterday, and how will this lesson benefit you going forward?

    30. What’s something you witnessed recently that reminded you that life is good?

    31. What’s something you witnessed recently that reminded you that people are good?

    32. How many of your basic needs do you not need to worry about meeting today?

    33. What event or interaction made you feel good about yourself recently?

    34. How have you made personal or professional progress lately?

    35. What simple pleasures did you enjoy—or can you enjoy—today?

    36. What modern conveniences (i.e.: electronics and appliances) do you enjoy that make your life easier?

    37. What’s the most beautiful thing you saw today?

    38. What’s something enjoyable you get to experience every day that you’ve come to take for granted?

    39. What are three things your arms or legs allow you to do that you enjoy?

    40. What’s the kindest thing someone has done for you lately?

    41. How do your friends and/or family members show they care about you?

    42. What’s the last thing you enjoyed with your senses—a good meal, a song you love, or aromatherapy—and how amazing is it that you were able to experience that?

    43. What movie, book, blog, or article affected your life for the better recently?

    44. What have you seen in nature recently that made you feel happy, peaceful, or free?

    45. How has modern medicine improved your life, recently or overall?

    46. How does electricity simplify and improve your life—and can you imagine what life would like be like without it?

    47. What’s your favorite thing about your bed, and how often does it enable you to get restful sleep?

    48. What’s something you have easy access to that always improves your mood, and how has it improved your life?

    49. Who in your life has survived something difficult, and how do you feel when you think about the fact that they’re still here?

    50. Have you recently imagined a worst-case scenario that didn’t actually happen?

    This last one was crucial for me. Not only did this help me appreciate things that turned out better than I’d anticipated, it reminded me how often this happens—if only I’m willing to act.

    And act I did. A couple of months ago my fiancé and I moved back to LA, still far from my family, but in an area I love, near an industry we both love. And we’re now planning to start working on short films together.

    We’re also prioritizing visits with our loved ones, together and separately, so we can both still nurture our relationships.

    It’s a compromise we can both not only live with, but hopefully one that will enable us to thrive.

    I am far happier for having made this choice (and grateful that my fiancé was open to it). And I know I found clarity and the strength to act on this, in large part, because I made the effort to change my mental state.

    It’s funny how that happens. We can sit around and stress about our problems all we want, trying to force a solution. But sometimes the best way to fix what isn’t working is to first focus on what is.

    Everything gets easier when we move past fear and desperation and nurture a grateful, hopeful heart.

    UPDATE: Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal is now available for purchase! You can grab your copy here.

  • 10 Things to Remember When You’re Struggling and Feel Stuck

    10 Things to Remember When You’re Struggling and Feel Stuck

    Sad Woman

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” ~Buddha

    I have always been ambitious, hardworking, dedicated, and driven, but I have also made some serious mistakes in my life.

    I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do early on in my career, so I pursued several options in college. By the time I was finished with graduate school I had five Master’s degrees, but still wasn’t sure which career path to take.

    I decided to get a job in accounting since that career paid well. I didn’t like it, but I could see myself doing well if I worked hard at it. I became focused. I wanted to reach the top. My ambition was to become CFO of our firm. Life was good; my career was heading in the right direction.

    I woke every morning and rushed to work, but as time went by I started becoming unhappy and frustrated.

    I got promoted every six months, but the more I moved up the corporate ladder, the worse I felt. I had everything going for me but something was missing.

    I started going to the mall to look around and occasionally bought myself a few pairs of shoes. Shoe shopping seemed to make me happy. It took my mind off the things that were bothering me.

    Soon this became my daily routine. I would buy shoes during lunch, and before I knew it I had nowhere to store them in my apartment. I didn’t wear 99% of them, but they made me happier than anything else in my life at the time.

    When I got back to the office many of my co-workers would make comments, so I started hiding my purchases. I had shoes in every drawer in my office.

    I refused to look at my credit card statements each month. I did automatic payments and would pay more than the minimum, so I didn’t care to see it. I just didn’t want to know.

    My landlord came to do some repairs at my apartment, and when he saw the shoes packed to the ceiling, he let out a gasp. “How many feet do you have?” he shouted. I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t speak. I felt violated and embarrassed, and I became defensive.

    After he left I thought about what he said, but I felt so depressed that I went shopping for more shoes. Even though I was angry with him, I started feeling like I needed to do something about my shopping habit.

    I didn’t believe anyone could be addicted to shopping. Addicts were people who drank, took drugs, and do those kinds of things. I was just buying a lot of shoes because they were all on sale. But the more shoes I bought, the guiltier I felt, and the worse I felt, the more shoes I needed to feel better.

    Shortly thereafter I lost my job. The company moved overseas and my world fell apart. How was I going to afford to buy my shoes, and what about my career? I stayed home and cried for several days. I bought shoes, became depressed, and then bought more shoes to combat the depression.

    I had no money and the bills were piling up. I didn’t even want to go out to find another job. I knew then I needed help. I got up one morning and decided I was going to do some soul searching and spring cleaning.

    I took out the shoes I felt I couldn’t live without, and those I could live without with a little bit of arm-twisting, I put aside to donate. I called my landlord and asked him to help me pack up all the shoes to ship to the Good Will Store. I felt like a part of me had died.

    I needed to find out the root cause of my problem, and I had to look myself in the mirror and admit that I was a shopping addict.  

    It took thirty thousand dollars in credit card debt and almost one thousand pairs of shoes to jolt me back to reality. I eventually paid off all my debts, and though I still buy a few pairs of shoes now and then, I know I will not go back to where I was.

    Now, when I feel the urge to shop to deal with stress, I find less expensive, less addictive things to do instead.

    I also took the time to find myself so my life wouldn’t feel so lacking. I realized that I wanted to help people, so I have been working with young women, and I am so much happier and fulfilled.

    If you are struggling with an addiction of any kind, please seek professional help and do not hide away. Speak to those you love, trust, and respect. They will help you to find your way.

    Here are a few other ideas that can help you when you are struggling:

    1. The problem is a symptom of something else.

    When you find yourself doing things you normally wouldn’t do, there is likely an underlying problem that you need to deal with. You must be prepared to acknowledge and deal with this underlying issue in order to get your life back on track.

    2. You are never alone.

    It doesn’t matter what the situation is. You must remember that there are many others out there who have been through what you are currently facing.

    3. You can overcome.

    Remind yourself that we all have challenges, and if you don’t give up you can overcome them and be a better, stronger person as a result.

    4. People genuinely care about you.

    Sometimes people will appear to be judgmental, but most are genuinely concerned about you and want to see you do well. Having those you love and trust around will help you heal faster.

    5. You are good enough.

    When you’re struggling, it’s easy to believe that you are not worthy. Your self-esteem and confidence will be tested more than any other time in your life. You need to believe in yourself and know that this struggle does not define you.

    6. You are going to make mistakes.

    No one is perfect, and that includes you. You will continue to make mistakes, but you are not your mistakes. Focus on the lesson and how you can apply this wisdom going forward.

    7. No time is ever the perfect time.

    You will not be able to make changes in your life if you do not make time. You have to make it the right time by taking the first step.

    8. It never helps to shift blame.

    It always seems to make us feel better if we blame others for our problems. Unfortunately, it is up to you and me to make our lives the way we want them to be. Your life is yours to live, and you are responsible for your happiness and success.

    9. You must believe you can.

    Once you have decided that you can, there are no forces in this world that can stop you. Every one of us has it within us to be happy, but few of us realize that it is up to us to make it happen.

    10. You are stronger than you think.

    We can never know our true strength until we allow ourselves to be tested. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Think about where you are now and some of the things you have overcome. It took lot of strength for you to get where you are.

    We all have obstacles in our lives and we’ll have them as long as we live. Do not allow addiction, illness, disappointment, mistakes, or failures to prevent you from living your best life.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Ways to Cope with a Miserable Job

    6 Ways to Cope with a Miserable Job

    “Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

    If you’re feeling miserable in your current job or career, wondering when you’ll be able to do something that makes your heart sing, I know exactly how you feel.

    I spent nearly a decade of my life working in jobs that I despised, having to dig deep every day to make it through another eight hours. All the while, my soul felt like it was dying inside.

    I remember writing one-page memos and having to wait a month while they worked their way through the bureaucracy. Every manager would return the memos, requesting a small, pointless change. By the time the memos were released, I barely recognized the words as my own.

    I knew that I had to get out, that I had to find something more meaningful, something where I could actually make a difference. But getting out of these jobs was hard. Really hard.

    One time, three years into a job, I knew that I needed to make a change. But it took me another three years to save up the money and find the courage to actually walk away. Meanwhile, I struggled to make it through the daily grind.

    Perhaps you’re in a similar situation and wondering how you can continue going to a job you hate, day after day after day, not knowing when or if you’ll be able do something more meaningful.

    I don’t want you to go through what I went through. So here are my suggestions for how to cope when you’re stuck in a career or job and find yourself feeling miserable.

    1. Figure out why you’re miserable and change what you can.

    People can feel miserable for all sorts of reasons. One of the first things you can do is to reflect on why you personally feel miserable in your current situation.

    Perhaps you don’t feel challenged enough in your current position. Or maybe you find the job too stressful. Or perhaps your current work team isn’t a good fit for your personality.

    Rather than accepting your current situation “as-is,” be proactive and work toward improving it. Can you ask your boss for more challenging projects? Can you be transferred to a different team?

    2. Change the stories you tell yourself about your career.

    Most jobs or careers aren’t inherently miserable. We often feel miserable because of the stories we tell ourselves. Your stories about your job are a creation of your mind and are neither true nor false. They’re simply stories.

    Misery is created when we create and cling to stories such as “I can’t stand this,” “This is awful,” or “I should be doing something else with my life.”

    If you want to feel less miserable in your current situation, then change your stories to something neutral or even positive. For example, you could tell yourself “This isn’t really that bad” or “I will continue working toward a meaningful career. What I’m doing right now is only temporary.”

    Those stories are equally as “true” as the negative stories that you’re currently telling yourself. Next time you catch yourself repeating one of your negative stories, see if you can replace it with a more positive story.

    3. Shift your perspective—it’s not as bad as you think.

    Throughout the world, there are millions and millions of people who would be confused if you told them that you were miserable in your current job. They’re making a lot less money, while working longer hours, and often in far worse conditions. They’d change positions with you in a heartbeat.

    When you’re feeling miserable in your job or your career, try thinking about these people and remembering that your situation may not be as bad as you think. Things may be far from ideal, but they could also be much, more worse.

    4. Build meaning however you can.

    While it may be easier for you to create meaning in some careers than others, you can always create meaning right where you are. Find the one or two things that you like about you current job situation and focus your time and energy on those.

    For example, I’ve worked in many government jobs that I found boring and repetitive. But I always had co-workers that I enjoyed talking to and spending time with. Those relationships were what provided me with meaning and helped me cope with the day to day drudgery.

    5. Connect your job to other values.

    If you can’t find anything meaningful about your current job, then try connecting your job to other values.

    For example, if you value providing financial support to your family, then focus on how your current job allows you to fill that value. Put up photos wherever you can of your family and periodically look at those photos and remind yourself how important it is for you to support them.

    Or perhaps your job provides you with ample time off to pursue other activities that you value. Again, focus on how lucky you are to have a job that provides you with that opportunity.

    6. Focus on other parts of your life.

    Finally, if nothing else works, you can always focus your energy on other parts of your life. Simply accept that it will take time to move to a more meaningful career. And that for now, your work won’t be a primary source of meaning in your life.

    And then put your focus and energy into creating meaning in other parts of your life.

    Build the best, most meaningful relationships that you can. Explore all sorts of different hobbies or explore one hobby in-depth. Get involved in volunteer activities that provide you with a sense of meaning.

    There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to change careers in order to do something that you personally find meaningful. I’ve done it several times myself. But making a career change can take time.

    There’s no reason for you to be miserable where you are right now, always waiting for a better future to arrive. Try using some of the suggestions above and see if you can improve your current situation while also taking steps toward a more meaningful, future career.

  • What to Do When You Know What You Want but Feel Stuck

    What to Do When You Know What You Want but Feel Stuck

    Stuck

    “What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.” ~Dalai Lama

    Five years ago I had a brilliant idea. Since I was pretty good with social media, I decided to start my own business helping companies develop their online presence.

    My goal was to work for myself, and the plan was that I’d quit my job, travel the world, create my own schedule, and earn a living doing something I’d seen others have a great deal of success doing.

    After spending weeks brainstorming I came up with the perfect name for my company. I wrote my mission statement, designed a logo, and purchased business cards. I took as many courses as I could in social media marketing and signed up for every newsletter available on the topic.

    At the time I thought my goals were clear. But after spending hundreds of dollars setting up the company and countless hours reading articles and taking trainings, I felt completely stuck.

    Every time I’d try to talk about my mission, I felt like a fraud. Every time I’d try to reach out to potential clients, something would stop me. I couldn’t even blog about social media marketing because my mind would go completely blank.

    After several months I decided to step away from the business and spend time volunteering in Brazil. It didn’t take long to gain clarity about what the issues were.

    For starters, just because I understand how social media marketing works doesn’t mean it’s something I should be dedicating my life and time to doing.

    I also realized that my reasons for starting this particular business had very little to do with bringing value to others, or even with my personal goals.

    I felt like a fraud because I wasn’t being authentic, and as long as I felt that way, I knew I’d continue seeking outside of myself for answers from trainings, articles, and books.

    It became clear that social media marketing was not what I truly wanted to do. It could potentially be a means to an end—an easy way to make money to facilitate the life I wanted—but that was missing the point completely.

    Yes, I wanted the freedom to create my own schedule and travel the world, but more importantly I wanted to feel fulfilled and contribute to something outside of myself.

    So let’s say you have a goal and know what you want. This can be a personal or professional goal. You wrote a mission statement and got together all the necessary “stuff” you think you need, but for some reason you can’t seem to move forward.

    Take a step back and ask yourself what’s really going on. Externally, you may have everything you need, but internally something probably isn’t adding up. Here are six steps to help you move forward:

    1. Be clear.

    Most people think they know what they want, but when they close their eyes they can’t visualize what that really looks like. Oftentimes, they can’t even verbalize what they want in a way that makes sense.

    If your “mission statement” contains a lot of fluff and jargon, this is a sign that you aren’t clear.

    If all you see are logos, titles, mission statements, and web designs, it’s time to dig a little deeper. How do you want to feel when you accomplish this goal, and what will the result look like once it’s completed? What value will this bring to you and those around you?

    2. Understand your “why.”

    “Why” is your reason for wanting to work toward this specific goal. It’s your motivation for starting on this journey, and it will continue to be the factor that pushes you through the moments when things become difficult or scary.

    Without a clear “why,” it becomes easy to lose focus, make excuses, and become stuck.

    What painful problem will accomplishing this goal solve for you, and “why” is that important?

    When I decided to start my own business, I was working in a job where I could no longer grow and felt completely unsupported and underutilized. My real “why” for wanting to start my own business was that I wanted to contribute to something outside of myself and bring value to others.

    3. Focus.

    Once you’re clear about what you want and the “why” behind it, it’s important to focus 100% of your attention on it. All aspects of your life are intertwined, and every decision you make is either in alignment with that vision or not. So even small and seemingly unrelated decisions will have an impact on your goal.

    Yes, your exercise habits impact your work performance, your personal relationships impact your sleep, and your decision to have a cup of coffee in the morning impacts your ability to focus on your mission.

    If something you’re doing isn’t in alignment with your greater vision, you need to be clear with why you’re doing it.

    4. Be willing to have difficult conversation and make difficult decisions.

    Difficult isn’t “bad.” In fact, when you’re clear about what you’re working toward, these “difficult” situations become purpose driven because they’re in service of a higher purpose.

    “Difficult” is often synonymous with “scary.” Embrace “scary” because it often means you’re at a breakthrough point. You’re stepping into the unknown, surrendering to something outside of yourself, and trusting in something greater.

    Walking away from my stable job was scary. Walking away from the business I’d started was even scarier. These were “difficult” yet necessary decisions to help me gain clarity on my real life goals.

    5. Let go of “Plan B.”

    While having a backup plan (or multiple) can be tempting, and even seem “responsible,” it’s often nothing more than a safety net. “Plan B” is your first loser, your second place option. But why have a goal if you’re willing to settle for second best?

    Having a “Plan B” will remove some of your urgency toward “Plan A.” It also means that you have to split some of your efforts away from your primary goal to ensure that your backup plan remains in tact.

    But if you really believe in what you’re doing, any energy that’s not being used in direct support of that primary mission is energy not well spent.

    When I decided to start my own business, I also decided to leave my job. While this was a scary decision, by not having that stable job to fall back on, I was pushed to get creative and find other ways to maintain my lifestyle while I gained clarity. This is how I ended up as a volunteer in Brazil.

    6. Show up and do the work.

    Words have power, so stop referring to yourself as “stuck,” “lost,” “unmotivated,” and as a “procrastinator.”

    Do the work to gain clarity on your goal and your why, then focus. Spend time visualizing what the outcome of your hard work will look and feel like, then use your words and actions to demonstrate your intention, belief in, and commitment to your purpose.

    Instead of calling yourself “stuck,” “lost,” “unmotivated,” and a “procrastinator,” start referring to yourself as focused, driven, motivated, and excited. If you’re going to do something, really do it—or don’t. But don’t live somewhere in between.

    —

    Spending time working in Brazil was a huge eye opener. By volunteering, I was contributing to something outside of myself and as a result felt more fulfilled and purpose-driven.

    As it turns out, it doesn’t matter if you have a website, logo, or business cards; if you want to live a meaningful life, you have to learn from your personal experiences, show up, and provide real value.

    Stuck image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Feel Stuck in Life and the Secret to Dealing with It

    Why We Feel Stuck in Life and the Secret to Dealing with It

    “It is the way we react to circumstances that determines our feelings.” ~Dale Carnegie

    We’ve all felt like we’re drowning in mud.

    You feel stuck, worthless, and confused.

    You want to move. You should. You have to. But you can’t.

    And then it evolves into anxiety, fear, and overwhelm.

    But what if—just what if—being stuck isn’t the problem, but how we perceive it?

    The Truth About Being Stuck

    Every year, I have periods where I feel “stuck.”

    Yet when I look closer, I see that “being stuck” is a label I give to a natural part of life.

    It’s a time when not much happens. The anxiety comes when I think it should be otherwise. I start to force myself to work, to come up with ideas, and to make things happen.

    And when I don’t get anywhere, I call it being stuck.

    So, what is being stuck except the way I perceive life?

    As I write this, I’ve been in a stuck period for the last few months. The difference is that I struggle less, because I’m beginning to let it be.

    Why We Get Stuck

    You get stuck when you think you should be something you’re not. When you think life should be different than it is.

    I know I’m trying to force myself to do something when words like ”should,” ”have to,” and ”must” enter my mind.

    When I relax and surrender to this quiet period in my life, things seem okay. I see that I can’t control life. I can only notice what life brings to me.

    The Secret to Being Stuck Completely

    Being stuck is like quicksand. The more you try to get out, the deeper you sink.

    My mind wants to push, control, and manipulate. It stems from insecurity. I want to be secure, be loved, and be remarkable.

    I think that if I could just control life, all would be well.

    It’s not until I face reality that things begin to lift. Here are three things I do:

    1. Give up.

    When you’re stuck, surrender to being stuck.

    I notice the thoughts and feelings within me that say that I’m stuck, and that something is wrong.

    If I stay completely in this moment, there is no being stuck. There is only the label of a situation—a label that I’ve invented based on what I think my life should look like.

    When I notice all this going on, I breathe a deep sigh of relief.

    But that doesn’t mean that the feelings go away. I might still feel the anxiety, but it doesn’t have a death grip on me anymore.

    I can see the play of thoughts. I can surrender to what comes.

    And I still fall into resisting, but I’m getting better at letting it be what it is. I’m getting better at enjoying being stuck.

    The funny thing is that when we enjoy being stuck, we’re not stuck anymore, because being stuck was all in our head.

    2. Enjoy yourself.

    There’s always something you feel drawn to do during these periods. You’re not completely stuck, not in every area of your life.

    Right now, I’m reading books. I’m playing with my son. I’m watching movies and TV shows (the British version of Sherlock is amazing).

    And on occasion, I’m writing articles like this, expressing what I feel.

    I do the work I need to do. But then I let myself have fun.

    It’s easy for me to feel guilty during this period because I feel like I’m not doing enough. But I’ve learned to see that I’m doing the best I can.

    It’s another example of getting stuck in the story that I tell myself.

    I am who I am. I’m doing what I can do. That’s enough.

    And right now, that means doing less. The tide will shift soon enough.

    The same is true for you. Do what you can, but go easy on yourself.

    3. Write.

    At times when I feel truly stuck, I write.

    I don’t have a system or structure. I get a piece of paper and I write. I like to write by hand, the old fashioned way. It seems to clear my head more than writing on my computer.

    What I do is write down everything going on in my head. No censoring. No looking back.

    I let everything come out, especially the nasty bits.

    The more I do this, the more I notice repeating patterns. I see how I want to change what is, and how futile it is.

    The more aware I become, the more these things fall away.

    When you truly become aware of what goes on inside of your head, you start to let go because you see how you create your own suffering.

    My Biggest Mistake

    When we resist what is, we suffer. That’s true for anything in life.

    When I try to change what is, I poison myself from the inside out.

    But with time, I’ve learned to see my resistance as a sign to relax. To see that I can only do my best with what I have, then it’s out of my hands.

    There’s no pushing needed. Life lives itself through me, because I am life.

    I am not separate from anything or anyone. I am this planet. I am the stars. I am you.

    I sometimes wonder why we think we are not supported in life. We come into this world through a womb, where we’re supported.

    The trees in the forest are supported. Yet we believe we’re the exception. Are we? I don’t think we are.

    We just think that life should look different than it does. But the fact that life isn’t what you think it is shows that you’re wrong.

    Let Things Be

    Whether you feel stuck for a week or for a year doesn’t really matter.

    You do the best you can with what you have.

    But something I’ve noticed is that the longer I’m stuck, and the more I surrender to it, the more I learn when I come out of it.

    It is the darkest periods of my life that have taught me the most about myself.

    I’ve learned that life isn’t all about accomplishing things. Sometimes it’s about resting and letting things be.

    These periods are no different than the seasons. There’s sun. There’s snow. There’s light, and there’s darkness.

    Once you let it be what it is, things change because your perception changes.

    But beware of making this another thing you have to do. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself be completely stuck.

    And let yourself fight it, because you will.

    It’s all good.

  • 5 Lessons from a Breakdown: How to Make Hard Times Easier

    5 Lessons from a Breakdown: How to Make Hard Times Easier

    Depressed Man

    “Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disraeli

    Three years ago, at twenty-five, I had a breakdown that stole over two years of my life and almost killed me.

    People often think of breakdowns like car accidents—one almighty crash that results in the dissolution of that person’s being. But for most of us, breakdowns are a slow descent into madness. They creep up on you. They change you one small step at a time until you no longer recognize yourself.

    You get exhausted walking around the supermarket for your weekly shopping. You have a panic attack because you’re supposed to go out with friends but can’t face them. You’re reduced to tears because even getting dressed feels overwhelming.

    I went from someone who was strong into someone I didn’t know; I existed, but I wasn’t there.

    I couldn’t leave my bed, didn’t eat, and could barely even talk at times. Though I had suffered with depression since I was thirteen, I had never known pain like this. I wanted so desperately to end my life but had no energy to do so, which only added to my misery.

    I felt lost, stuck, and hopeless, and believe I would never find myself again.

    Though I’m still left with remnants of my breakdown, including post-traumatic stress disorder, I can appreciate the lessons it taught me, however difficult they were to learn at the time. If you’re going through hard times yourself, you may find these lessons helpful.

    1. Let your friends be there for you.

    The saying goes that when you are at your lowest point in life, you will discover your true friends, and I am blessed to have discovered mine. The ones who would allow me to Skype from my bed so that we could enjoy breakfast together. The ones who understood when I couldn’t face them for dinner like we had enjoyed so many times before. The ones who would say nothing, but lie on my bed and hug me when I couldn’t talk.

    Friends often don’t know how to help you when you’re struggling, so you have to ask for what you need. Allowing them to be there for you in this way can really strengthen your relationship. It shows that you can count on each other when times get tough.

    2. Learn to say “no.”

    Instead of accepting things that were no good for me, be it other people’s negative behavior or situations that upset me, I began to say “no” and walk away.

    If friendships were bringing me down instead of lifting me up, I ended them, and instead of feeling obliged to attend gatherings, I cancelled because I recognized I needed time to look after myself.

    We are conditioned by society to believe that saying “no” to invitations or commitments is selfish, but when you are struggling so intensely, you need to get selfish. Learn to look after yourself in the smallest of ways and evaluate what works and doesn’t work so you can eliminate the latter.

    3. Stop worrying about what others think.

    Mental health (or lack of it) can be a difficult concept for others who’ve never struggled with it to understand.

    If you have cancer or physical symptoms, such as a broken leg, you can explain a lot of your mood away, but when your pain is neatly wrapped up in your head and you have nothing to show for your illness, you find yourself having to justify not being able to get out of bed. So I stopped worrying about what others thought.

    As long as you know your truth, nothing (and no one) else matters. While we often seek acceptance from others, if you can accept that you are not “crazy” and that you are sick, needing help, it can often take away the guilt and embarrassment you may feel.

    4. Become grateful and proud for the small things.

    As a healthy person, we really do take the most routine and mundane things for granted; it’s not until we can’t do them that we realize just how treasured they are.

    Simple things, such as reading a book, become impossible because you can’t finish a sentence without forgetting the beginning of it. You have no energy to leave the house even when it’s sunny. You can’t bring yourself to go out to dinner with friends you’ve known for years.

    When you are able to read a whole page of the book, walk to the shop for some milk, or spend an hour with a friend, be proud of yourself!

    Don’t beat yourself up because you couldn’t leave the house; be proud that you managed to get out of bed, even if it was to sit on the couch. Every little thing becomes a big achievement, and one you should be proud of.

    5. Listen to yourself and look after your needs first.

    Being depressed made me incredibly introspective and therefore, very in tune with my body and what I craved on a daily basis. Sometimes I needed company, so a friend would visit to offer their love and comfort. On other days I needed to be alone and cry until my head hurt.

    Your needs will change daily, and that’s okay. Some days you might want to go for a walk in the sun with a friend, but other days you might just want to snuggle up at home with your phone off and a good movie. You should remember that both are different ways of looking after yourself.

    As Winston Churchill once said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” And I did. Every day I woke up (despite not always wanting to) and I survived.

    My breakdown changed me in ways I couldn’t hope to put into words. Though I wouldn’t want anyone else to go through the despair that I did, I’m thankful for the painful, yet necessary, lessons it taught me, and the person it has made me become.

    Depressed man image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Powerful Ways to Get Moving When You Feel Stuck in Life

    3 Powerful Ways to Get Moving When You Feel Stuck in Life

    “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown

    I realized I’m going to die soon.

    Not, you know, imminently. But soon. Even sixty is soon. Seventy, eighty, ninety, still soon. And I’ll be lucky if I get that old.

    I’m going to die.

    What’s gotten into me? Maybe it’s the Robin Williams story. That would make sense. A loss that’s shocking really resets your perspective.

    Life is fleeting, it’s brief. Even if it’s what we’d consider a long life, it’s short.

    This was a thought of mine in the shower today.

    I think it jolted me into feeling a little less uptight. A little less scared.

    The real scary thing is the big, black unknown. That vast mystery of whatever comes next. Whatever happens after life is snuffed out.

    And it will be snuffed out. In the grand scheme (even medium scheme) of history, pretty relatively quickly.

    That’s morbid, you may think. But I felt a little better today when I had this thought.

    After a good long stretch of isolating myself and digging further into a rut, I felt better about things I’ve been going through. Like cyclical insecure thoughts I’d been having. Apprehension, anger, regret, confusion. Fear. Anxiety.

    I feel good today. Because in the face of life ending too soon, and not knowing what comes next, I realize that I know what can come now. I can put together what I want. I can face things boldly.

    Compared to the uncertainty of whatever is in the afterlife, whatever my blind date thinks of me tomorrow is pretty manageable by comparison. While I’m here, I better embrace life a little.

    I imagine that future me will look back on present me very much the way present me looks back on younger me.

    I shake my head sometimes at younger me for her insecurities and hesitation and fear. I want to tell her it’s all going to go by so fast—enjoy it now.

    Enjoy it now.

    Right now is the time when future me may look back and wonder what on earth I was so worried about. I’m only thirty-one. Thirty-one! Forty-one year-old me would love to be thirty-one!

    And eighty-one-year-old me would really wish she was thirty-one.

    My god. I’m so lucky to be thirty-one.

    What am I doing wasting it on insecurity? Why do I freeze and gravitate toward inaction sometimes?

    Every moment that I’m unsure, worried, fretting, concerned about how I’m doing, or wondering if I’ve made the right choices, done the best I can, of if I should worry about what someone thinks, is a waste of precious time. It’s like fourteen-year-old me thinking she was fat. She wasn’t.

    Are you hesitant about a fork in the road? Feeling anxious about your options (or lack thereof)? Feel old? Regret something? I can’t tell you what will fix it, but I can share three things that have always given me motivation to really move forward and live.

    Walk through a graveyard.

    It seems creepy. It isn’t. A cemetery has a fantastic way of reminding you to live your life. Fear of whatever choices you have ahead, or any paralysis of action you may be experiencing, will melt in the presence of beautifully landscaped permanent resting places.

    Take a walk around your nearest or prettiest cemetery this weekend and try to quiet your mind. For me, this exercise always results in a great dose of perspective on life. Namely, that it ends. So any choice of action, regardless of how it turns out, is a gift.

    Imagine young you.

    Remember the school dance you were too scared to go to? Or the crossroads between starting your career or traveling after graduation? How about the girl you never asked out, or the boy you never told off for hurting you?

    Young you was trepidatious about a few things—occasions you wouldn’t hesitate to rise to now. So, too, would older you appreciate you finding the courage to drop the worries that are holding you both back today.

    Imagine the worst that can happen.

    Got a scary thing you want to do? Think of the worst that could happen and weigh it against how much you’d regret not trying. Or, if you’re not sure what to do at all, weigh the consequences of trying something versus doing nothing.

    Do something. Embrace the fact that you’re living. Failure, success—both are part of a full life. Living with complacency isn’t living at all.

    My favorite question to ask people is what they’d be most upset about if the Grim Reaper showed up and said they’ve got five minutes.

    Why wait?

    Get to it.

  • Do You Feel Stuck, Overwhelmed, and Dissatisfied?

    Do You Feel Stuck, Overwhelmed, and Dissatisfied?

    “Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.” ~Andy Rooney

    I was born and raised in Louisiana, where food, booze, and fun are the three most important things in most every social situation.

    I had my license at fourteen, my first drink at fifteen, and I knew the owner of the local drive-through daiquiri bar by name. (Miss Billy, in case you were wondering.) It wasn’t out of the ordinary. We all drank a lot on the weekends…who doesn’t?!

    In college, when my parents were going through a divorce, I discovered boxed wine and how to make grilled cheeses on my roommate’s mini George Forman grill. So, like many college kids, I would come home drunk at three in the morning and eat five grilled cheeses.

    Then came the job on Wall Street, where food and alcohol were just part of the territory. Meet clients for drinks. Bond over a fancy dinner. Drink more at the bar after dinner. Eat. Drink. Repeat. Take a load off. Decompress. You get the idea. Life is intense. Period. No question about it.

    Life can be overwhelming and scary, and it can feel like too much to deal with on some days. At times, it can feel easier and quicker to pour another glass of wine, or go shopping, or keep ourselves “busy,” or work nonstop, or eat a pint of ice cream than face the intensity of life. 

    We keep going because we don’t know what will happen if we stop. It can be petrifying to think about how out of sync our lives are sometimes. What would happen if we stopped for a second? Would the lives we have created just crumble around us?

    It was a lot easier for me not to feel how out of alignment I was when I was working on Wall Street because everything looked good on paper, and I really liked certain aspects of my job and life.

    It was also a lot easier for me not to feel that the business I built last year wasn’t exactly what I wanted. It can be easier to ignore the failing relationship, the friends that don’t make you feel good, the job that’s sucking your soul, and so on.

    You might not know what it is, but there’s something that doesn’t feel right. And most of us stay stuck in the dissatisfaction of where we are because we don’t know what to do with those feelings.

    We get caught worrying about figuring it all out and having all the answers. When we don’t know how to change things, we convince ourselves that there’s no way, so we ignore the whispers. And in order to deal with the fact that we’ve ignored the whispers and that our lives sometimes feel okay but aren’t totally great, we pick up something to help us feel better.

    We process the feelings by not actually processing them at all because we never learned how to feel our feelings. Many of us turn to a “safe” solution like wine or food. I never did drugs; that wasn’t my thing. I never had a gambling problem or a shoe addiction. But I did love wine and food. They became a comfort. They became a ritual.

    So this is my story: I was raised Catholic in a Lebanese family in the South. I’m a success-driven, high-achieving woman.

    We drink and we eat; that’s just what we do. And there is nothing wrong with any of that…until there is.

    There’s nothing wrong with drinking wine, eating chocolate, shopping online late at night, or pouring your heart into work you love. What I’m saying is that these things can be dangerous if you use them to cover what you don’t want to feel, or to fill a void in your soul.

    Many of us know there’s something more. We’re ready to feel aligned, purposeful, and driven, but we don’t know how to do that.

    We don’t know what the “something more” is, but we can hear it calling to us.

    I had to quit filling the void with food and wine last year in order to finally find my “something more.” I had to really look at the range of emotions I was feeling, write about them, and allow them to be present, without making them bad or wrong.

    I had to notice my fears and not run from them. I had to learn the difference between thoughts that were helpful and those that were just old programming that I needed to release. I had to learn to notice my thoughts as visitors, not as invited guests. I had to learn that I had a choice in every moment.

    I touched a deep, dark, raw, and beautiful place within myself. I have come out on the other side of this journey more aligned, more purposeful, more driven, and more alive than ever before. This is my one life, and I am now choosing to live it with intention.

    I have a purpose in this lifetime and I need to be an open channel to do the work that I feel inspired to do.

    You can create a sense of purpose too, but you have to be willing to let go of the old and embrace the new.

    Are you willing to say yes to your path even if the road is dusty and dark?

    You won’t always know the answers. You won’t always know “how.” But if you are willing to say yes to the whispers, the road will rise to meet you and your direction will unfold. You must first say yes.

    My life without using wine or food to cover feelings is richer and more abundant and fulfilling than I ever imagined possible. I am free. I am aligned. I am driven. I am in love. I am happy. I am soulful. I am light. I am radiant.

    More than anything, I am here to show you how to access the same connection to your true self so you can show up and do the work that inspires you.

    Try these five steps to get you started.

    1. Ask yourself, “Do my heart and soul feel completely full?”

    If the answer is no, are you willing to say yes to finding your “something more” and to walking your path?

    2. Once you’ve said yes, become aware of how you numb and check out (wine, food, work, etc.).

    You don’t have to get rid of these things, but can you notice when you reach for them?

    3. Recognize your fears without stuffing them down or making them wrong.

    It’s helpful for me to write down my fears without trying to solve them. Something like “I’m scared of…” and then just write for a few minutes.

    4. Remember that the feelings won’t kill you.

    You might feel awesome in the morning and horrible two hours later. Thoughts and feelings come and go. Remember that they don’t define you. The real you is the stillness underneath it all.

    5. Have faith.

    This is a journey. Your path will unfold. Trust that once you say yes, all you have to do is keep your eyes open for the clues. You will be guided if you keep showing up and saying yes.

  • How to Stop Limiting Yourself and Feel Fully Alive

    How to Stop Limiting Yourself and Feel Fully Alive

    “You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy

    I like my comfort zone and I hate it. It’s safe, but if I stay there too long it starts to feel like a cage. No wild creature is happy in a cage, and we’re all wild creatures at heart.

    Sure, we like the reliability of being well fed, clothed, safe, and loved. It’s my theory though (formed just this second) that we are meant to hunt, to seek, to struggle, to engage with a world that offers no guarantees.

    Like a caged animal, we become depressed when we play it too safe. “Safe” offers no challenge, no growth, and no newness. Without those things we wither and die inside; we watch too much TV, we eat junk food, we numb out.

    Could it be that the prevalence of depression in First World countries is because our lives don’t challenge us as much as we need them to?

    We all need exercise to be healthy. Muscles need to break to become strong. Do our hearts and minds also need challenge to thrive?

    About eighteen months ago I got sick. It was a weird benign tumor that caused a lot of pain, enough pain that I took myself to hospital at three one morning.

    Eventually, the tumor healed and the pain stopped. It didn’t go away; it just stopped hurting me. In the meantime, though, I became very careful, controlled, and I dropped out of my life. I felt afraid and limited. I lost faith in myself.

    My world got very small and I became too dependent on those close to me. I was not much fun. I lost friendships.

    Now I am rebuilding. It’s not always easy, but I’m on the way back.

    I can now see that my comfort zone isn’t comfortable. My fears and limitations have drawn the boundaries of my life, and that’s a small cage to live in.

    That’s not how I want to live. I remember more lively times and I want that power and flow back. I want to break through the darkness into the bright light, where life is colorful again.

    I want my life back.

    If you also need to expand your comfort zone, you may benefit from applying these lessons that are helping me:

    1. Get honest.

    Ask questions. Get really clear on what is true for you. What do you think? What do you feel? What do you want? What is useful? What’s the truth?

    Truth can be hard to take, but it puts you on solid ground. You can walk forward on solid ground.

    For me, right now I am “calling myself out” on the lie that I lack the power to make changes.

    2. Change is possible.

    We can make changes. You may have had a vibrant life before and you can make one again. Know you can change and try new things.

    When I decide I’m a victim, it’s a lie. It is just not true. Granted, while I was sick change may have been too hard, but that’s not true anymore.

    3. Change is uncomfortable, and that’s okay.

    It doesn’t come without risk. We can’t stay in our comfort zones and expand at the same time. Growing is going to be uncomfortable. It’s even going to feel wrong. Do it anyway.

    The only way to get a bigger comfort zone is to do things outside it until they don’t scare you anymore. Then repeat.

    4. Change happens step by step.

    Changes seem big when you start out, but they’re just a series of small steps. They’re just a tiny set of actions. They’re the sum of the things you do, day by day.

    A slight change in trajectory is a huge change over time. It doesn’t happen all at once.

    5. Explore possibility.

    Every day, write a list of things that may take you in the direction you want to go. Write a list of ways to expand your life. Write a list of solutions. Write a list of “could do’s”.

    You don’t even need to keep the lists. The good ones will stick. They’ll pop up again and again like your favourite muppet.

    6. Take one tiny risk a day.

    Set yourself one tiny risk. Commit to doing it. That means you have to do it. No second-guessing. You said you would do it; you’re doing it! It may not be the “right” action, but that’s irrelevant. It’s the thing you chose to try.

    7. Every action is an experiment.

    Not every little risk will pay off, but that’s life, that’s learning. Every action will teach you something.

    I did well in school; it’s taken me a long time to get comfortable with failing and actually “learning to learn.” The school of life is a better teacher and a tougher one. That’s my school right now.

    8. Courage is more important than success.

    I heard Brené Brown say, “Being courageous is more important than being successful.” I have that on my wall. I think it’s true. Taking small risks makes me feel alive. The other name for “fear” is “thrill.”

    9. Risk develops resilience.

    We gain resilience with practice by striving, failing, and getting up again. It’s how we build emotional muscle. Sure, have a cry, share your humiliations with a trusted someone, then get back up and take the next step. Being courageous feels scary and good.

    And so, right now, I extend invitations knowing I may be rejected. I commit to writing projects that may not be published. I open up more to those closest to me and really let them in.

    I open up my world one step at a time, and it’s scary and it’s thrilling. The colors are brighter at the edge of my comfort zone.

    I am learning that my fears are false dragons guarding the gold. The dragons look real, but really, only the gold is.

  • When You Feel Down or Stuck: How to Effectively Be What You’re Not

    When You Feel Down or Stuck: How to Effectively Be What You’re Not

    Sad Man

    “Success is achieved by developing our strengths, not eliminating our weaknesses.” ~Marilyn vos Savant

    I often hear the words “be yourself.” I love those words, and I truly believe that everyone should strive to be the truest version of who they are. There’s nothing more attractive than a person who is just so utterly themselves, even when society tries to push them the other way.

    Strong willed people are some of my favorite types. They can be righteous. They can be overly moral. However, they know what they want, they know who they are, and they know that nobody else determines their definitions of themselves.

    They stand up for what they believe in. And most importantly, they stand up for others when it matters.

    As somebody who is quite strong willed myself, I appreciate the beauty in the statement “be yourself.” However, I have also come to appreciate the softer side of letting go.

    This includes being wrong sometimes and even admitting it. This also includes opening my mind to the possibility of all possibilities; seeing the positive in the negative, understanding the behavior of those who may seem morally corrupt (to me), taking benefit from the other side of a passionate debate, and learning information when I want to reject it.

    As somebody who preaches the importance of being yourself, I admit I have a trick up my sleeve that has something to do with pretending to be who you’re not. Yup! I feel deliciously devious even just saying that.

    This trick is well known in the world of Positive Psychology, a term coined by Martin Seligman, Ph.D. in psychology.

    So what is this trick? Well, when you find yourself feeling down and depressed, it can help tremendously to ask yourself:

    “What would the happy version of me do at this moment?”

    Not only does this get you into a goal-oriented state, but it also takes a load off the negativity that you might be feeling. It takes your mind state from “oh woe is me” to imagining what will actually make you happier. It’s proactive.

    When you can imagine yourself being something greater than what you feel at the moment, you actually flip on a little switch in your brain that will attempt to propel you toward that image.

    This can work not only when feeling down, but with any goal you may have in mind.

    “What would the healthy version of me do?”

    “What would the brave version of me do?”

    “What would the successful version of me do?”

    You’re not shaming yourself in any way; you’re only gently shifting your mind set into one that is proactive and ready to take charge of your life.

    When I was struggling with feeling low, oftentimes I’d lie in my bed in the morning and not want to get out of it. It felt like there was no point.

    I was given a beautiful child at the age of twenty-three, and even though she has been the light of my life, at the time my identity felt as though it had been ripped from my very soul.

    The relationship I was in at the time was manipulative and emotionally abusive, probably on both sides. I didn’t feel like myself and I felt very restricted. My carefree spirit turned into a negative, depressed, shriveled up little hole inside my heart.

    Now, this might sound odd to some, but I have always been impressed with warrior-type women. I believe that I possess some warrior qualities within myself (we all do), and when I think of them, I feel strong, like I could take on anything!

    One day it just clicked. As I was lying in bed, not wanting to get out of it, I thought to myself, “What would the warrior in me do?”

    Out of bed I jumped! I continued to use that saying in many different ways and for many months. Now it has become a part of me.

    I am that warrior woman.

    I am strong enough. I am not a victim of life’s circumstances. I create my life and everything in it. I don’t react to life. I make life what I want it to be.

    To me, a warrior is not a victim. A warrior makes her life what it is; she creates it herself.

    When I shift my mind into this realm, I realize that other people do not control me; I control myself. Nobody is in charge of how I get to feel.

    In my relationship, I had been putting that control into somebody else’s hands, and when I decided to take back control over my life is when I finally realized the relationship was not going to work either way. Unfortunately, we had to part ways, but lessons were learned and I was finally able sit back and breathe.

    Try this tool out for yourself, and see how it changes your perspective the next time you’re feeling stuck.

    Who knew that pretending to be who you’re not (in a positive way) could strengthen the qualities that you never knew were inside of you?

    Photo by Ohfooy

  • Owning Our Stories: Overcoming The Fears That Make Us Play Small

    Owning Our Stories: Overcoming The Fears That Make Us Play Small

    Oh So Free

    “I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

    It’s taken me a long time to figure out my story.

    I kept thinking, “Nothing particularly dramatic has happened to me, so how can I have a story?”

    Yet recently, after years of personal growth work, that’s shifted. I see the golden thread that weaves through my story and what that means for how I show up and what I bring to the world.

    I now see that this whole thing about owning your story isn’t about drama. It’s not about having a story that you feel is significant and worthy enough to share. 

    In many ways, it’s a metaphor. If I own my story, then I put my name to it. I become the author and with that I take the role of protagonist.

    It also makes me ask the question, “If I’m not owning my story and authoring it, then who is?”

    My story is one of learning to accept that I am enough, just as I am, and that what’s in my heart matters.

    For most of my life I’ve strived to be enough without consciously being aware of it. It seemed to be what everyone did in the corporate world to get along. Reach. Stretch. Push. Always seeking more. 

    I can’t say it felt exhausting, because with every new goal I’d have a ton of energy to push through. I would think, “If I get that promotion, then I’ll feel happy.” Or, “If I get that Masters Degree, then I’ll be credible and heard.”

    No, it didn’t feel exhausting. It did feel relentlessly unfulfilling.

    It was as if I kept promising myself it would all be better when—even though I knew on some deep level it wouldn’t.

    I felt so stuck. I knew I had all this powerful energy, but it was locked inside me. It would show up in bursts, but so often I would hold it back.

    I was blaming others for my circumstances. I was arguing for how I had no choice; I had a mortgage to pay and kids to support. I was angrily frustrated and I found it hard to contain. 

    I would start my day at work believing “I can change things and make a meaningful contribution,” yet, I’d keep being met by the story of the organizational culture: “It’s not the right time,” or, “it’s not the way we do things around here,” or, “we just care about the numbers.”

    I was so frustrated that I would come home and complain to my husband about how awful it was and how I should be doing something different but I couldn’t because we needed the money.

    I blamed him on some level. I also blamed myself for not having enough courage to really change my circumstances.

    People kept telling me how lucky I was to work part time while the kids were little, but it felt like such a trade off. Almost as if I could have part-time work but I couldn’t expect it to be meaningful.

    For me to really look inside and discover what I wanted to do, it took a coach to point out that I was being a victim in my current story. 

    I remember when he said it I cried, and, truth be known, I felt embarrassed that I was crying on the phone to a guy when I was supposed to be professional!

    Yet it was a painful release of the truth of how I felt. It was as if in some way he had just lanced a boil. I was being a victim. I had given my power away because I was scared.

    I had lost touch with who I was, what was in my heart, and what I wanted.

    From that moment on, I made a commitment to myself to get to the heart of who I was and what I bring to the world. 

    I wanted to become the protagonist in my story. I made the decision to quit my job and follow my heart.

    It felt completely counterintuitive. My head was going wild with sabotaging thoughts, but somewhere deep inside me I trusted that I could handle what showed up.

    I talked to my boss about what was happening in the organization and how the role wasn’t turning out as we had anticipated. We talked openly about this and I asked for what I wanted. We agreed to negotiate a severance package.

    From there I started to notice opportunities and invest in myself so I could pursue my dream of running my own business.

    I decided I had to manage my fears and made a conscious choice to let courage trump them.  I would say things to myself like, “Seriously, what’s the worst that can happen?” The answer would be “I go and get another job.” More often than not I would say, “You’ve got this. You can do this.”

    I clarified my minimum-squeak-by and dream income amounts and worked out a simple business plan based on these.

    Most importantly, I kept going. I had a mantra that was based on how we learn to walk as babies. I would say to myself when it was tough, “Just one foot in front of the other, Vanessa.” And I would do the next small thing, even though I had a tendency to focus on the big vision.

    That was nearly four years ago now and I’ve been on such a rollercoaster ride of adventure.  Of course it has had ups and downs, and I wouldn’t change it for anything, because I have grown so much and I now know what it means to be fully responsible and at choice.

    I have discovered the golden thread in my story: that my deepest fear is that I am not enough and I need to be more than I am to thrive.

    That thread sabotages me when I believe it, because it makes me try really hard to perfect myself, procrastinate, and play small. It also has me seek approval and validation and hold back my truth.

    Being aware of it helps me consciously work the muscle of radical self-acceptance and self-empowerment. It enables me to learn to practice compassion, kindness, self-love, and enough-ness.

    It helps me to let go of old defensive ways of playing small like people pleasing, avoidance, and perfection.

    It also helps me create connection. When I stand in the story of I am enough, just as I am, I’m great at helping people grow and find their soul truth. I’m perfect at showing up just as I am and every time I fail or show up trying to be something other than who I am, it serves as a wonderful opportunity to help me grow.

    I had two fears when I started to own this story: 

    1. What would people think about me? How could I openly stand up and say, “I practice radical self-acceptance,” because my wound is that I fear I am not enough as I am?
    2. I would come across as egotistical if I fully owned what I’m good at.

    Interestingly, they form a double bind, with being not enough at one end and at the other, being too much. Underneath them is a fear of your opinion of me.

    The key to unlocking my ability to stand in my story and fully own it has been learning to make my opinion the one that counts (at least where I’m concerned).

    Making my opinion count is a practice for me. It requires me to ground my energy and often to slow down, take a step back, and quiet my inner critic.

    In this place, I can connect to my inner wise woman and hear her truth. Then my only job is to trust it. It’s why my word for the year is trust.

    Trust that I know what I know and that I am enough.

    Trust that my heart can lead.

    Trust that I am the protagonist in my story and it’s a worthy story.

    Trust that the fear inside that you might judge my story is part of the old story of not being enough as I am.

    Trust that when you and I stand fully in the center of our stories, we come from love.

    Photo by ByLaauraa