Tiny Buddha

Tag: struggles

  • How I Found Inner Peace Despite the Drama in My Life

    How I Found Inner Peace Despite the Drama in My Life

    “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

    Like many people, I lived my life for a lot of years failing to understand inner peace is a choice. I am not sure what I thought. Perhaps I didn’t believe anyone could feel a lasting peace inside. I did know that my own feelings of peace were always transitory.

    There were many ups and downs in my life, too many claims on my time and too many difficult situations to be dealt with. I think I actually believed inner peace could only be achieved by monks and saints, or anyone living a reclusive life who didn’t have to deal with everyday struggles.

    I was stuck in a world of confusion, wondering how peace could be mine when there was always something, some drama going on in my own life or the lives of those I loved.

    In fact, it seemed to me that the whole world was filled with stuff, negative stuff mostly, which I read about in the newspaper, saw on the television, or heard from someone I knew.

    It was the kind of stuff that pulls at your emotions—the breaking news story of a missing woman being found murdered, the tragedy of a child being killed by a hit and run driver, the numbers of homeless people tripling, and a devastating Tsunami killing thousands and paralyzing a country.

    Then there were the stories closer to home—my friend’s husband being diagnosed with cancer and dying three months later, my father suffering from dementia, my best friend’s marriage falling apart—all tearing at my heart and leaving me hurt and grieving.

    In my own personal life too, my emotions dipped and peaked along with how much control I felt I had over my own happiness. I literally felt like a puppet on a string, and asked myself over and over again, “How can I feel a constant inner peace in my heart and life when my emotions see-saw up and down according to what is happening in and around me?”

    Looking back I know I believed that my emotions were important. After all, wasn’t being emotional an essential part of being alive? Emotions made me feel real and allowed me to extend empathy to everyone else.

    But in the deepest part of myself, I did not feel good most of the time. I longed to not be so emotional. I wanted to be released from all the conflict in my life—to not react to other people’s words and anger, to feel serenity in my heart.

    It was an almost desperate need to alter or to stop the negative cycle of events which seemed to dominate my relationships and my life.

    I believe it was that intention which kept on surfacing in my mind and in my heart that fueled my spiritual search and led me to discover a more peaceful way to live, despite the conflict in my life. (more…)

  • Are Things Happening For You or Against You?

    Are Things Happening For You or Against You?

    “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.” ~Buddha

    Your life is much like a radio.

    If you’re in control of it, then you can actually tune in and make sense. Then you can set your dial on the talk-back radio show, listen to that, and learn some things, or you can set your dial onto music and have an enjoyable time.

    If you feel that you are not in control, or you do not realize that you are in control, then you may just hear a lot of static and annoying sounds that might even drive you crazy.

    The process of “Flick your Rich Switch Transformation” (FYRST) is about taking control of your life, taking control of all of the things that you merely think you are not actually in control of (but you are, or you can be).

    Some people don’t think that they control their mood, their lives, their blood flow, their breathing, their heart rate, their body language—and that’s why they often get some outcomes that they’re not happy about.

    Someone else can control all of those things by telling you some bad news or some exciting news; for example, “The winning lottery numbers are 4, 23, 16, 19 & 30.”

    It is the subconscious process occurring in your own head that will make your blood flow to your face or to your feet; it is your own thought process that will make your heart pump slower or faster; your own thoughts that will make your body stand straighter with excitement or slump lower with dread.

    Yes, dread. For some people, winning millions may represent an increase in responsibility, stress, and anxiety. (more…)

  • Uplifting Depression: 15 Unexpected Lessons from Adversity

    Uplifting Depression: 15 Unexpected Lessons from Adversity

    “Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Two years ago, reading this quote, I would smirk and think, “What a cliché.”

    In the last two years, I would read this quote and be in utter disbelief that anything can be learned when one is in the depths of hell.

    Today, I read this quote and resonate confidently, that yes, even though I tried to end my life, even though I had to quit a high paying job, even though I still suffer from major depression, good has come out of my negative experience, and I have learned the lesson to take care of myself and listen to my body, albeit the hard way.

    Around November 2009, my doctor said to me, “Noch, I think you are burned out. Your migraines are most probably due to stress. Please go see a psychologist.”

    My fiancé dragged a reluctant me into the shrink’s office, and I came out, diagnosed with major depression. I had no idea what it meant or what would become of me. I just felt extremely unmotivated, had no appetite, only had negative thoughts in my little head, and was excruciatingly tired of life.

    I was immensely frustrated with myself. I didn’t know why I was depressed, or burned out. I thought I had it all: the executive job, high on the corporate ladder at the young age of twenty-eight.

    I spoke a few languages, lived all around the world, had a man who loved me for who I was, had my few soul mates and a wide network of friends. So what happened to me?

    Indeed, I felt really ungrateful to be sick at all.

    All the people who passed me everyday in the misty smog of Beijing seemed to live much harder lives, scraping by the wayside. So, who was I to be unhappy about my life? I had no answer. And the more I thought about it, the more I got caught in my web of negative thoughts and unreasonable reasoning of life.

    I closed myself off from the rest of the world and disappeared off the social radar. I was forced to take medical leave from work, being physically unable to do any work or concentrate.

    The few close friends who knew of my plight tried to console me.

    “It’s a challenge and test, to make you stronger,” they’d say. They gave me examples of all these great leaders of the world who had to go through trials and tribulations to get to where they were. There was something in store for me, and it would end up a positive life changing experience, they reassured me. (more…)

  • Embracing All of Life Instead of Resisting Pain

    Embracing All of Life Instead of Resisting Pain

    “Don’t seek, don’t search, don’t ask, don’t knock, don’t demand – relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it.” ~Osho

    As far as I can remember, I have always asked myself questions about the nature of my emotional pain. I analyzed and went on long thinking quests to find answers to all of this deliberation. I was convinced that I would find deliverance by coming up with the exact hypothesis, about why I was chosen to have to live with so much trauma and pain in my childhood.

    I felt like a victim of life.

    I did not wonder about the source of my joy; on the contrary I simply accepted these positive emotions.

    I went through a phase of denying the negative emotions I experienced, and I thought that being positive, at all costs, would “chase” away my suffering. At the time, I used the skills best known to me, to defend myself against the pain I felt.

    For many years I attempted to transform a negative emotion into a positive one. Albeit, the pain did not subside, it was still echoing loudly, and eventually manifested itself at full volume. Then not too long ago, someone gave me the permission to embrace my pain. I felt as though I had been given the authority to grieve the entire trauma that I had ever experienced.

    I began this journey of looking at the source of my pain. Yet, I felt drowned by it, and I felt the constant burn of going through the fire. I indulged in this state and felt some form of relief about acknowledging all of this suffering.

    Upon reflecting on the path I had permitted myself to take, to travel to the depths of my past, I uncovered that I had developed an unconscious belief that someone was guilty for inflicting this suffering on me. As a result, I continued the cycle of victimization, where I was seeking to lay blame on someone for my ill feelings, thus not achieving inner peace.

    Following my last break-up, to the man I call one of my soul mates, I fell to pieces, and delved into the tides of emotions that came my way—sadness, loneliness, fear and depression. The pain was louder than anything I have ever experienced, thus far.

    I blamed him for all of the suffering I was experiencing, I made him the source of my turmoil, and then I used hate towards him to manage my pain. I was in victim mode, and I turned him into the cause of my darkness.

    Then it dawned on me, and I recognized that I was fighting against the tide again by not accepting my pain.

    That is when I started to wonder about the following: “If I am able to accept the positive experiences of my life, that bring me joy and happiness, without even questioning their origin or trying to avoid them, what if I did the same for the other emotions I fear so much, such as sadness, pain, fear, anger, and loneliness?” (more…)

  • Cherish Your Challenges and Find Your Authentic Self

    Cherish Your Challenges and Find Your Authentic Self

    “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

    My quarter-life crisis kicked into high gear about six months ago.

    Take this as evidence: I quit my job. I quit my apartment and moved back home. I quit booze and boys. I quit gluten and sugar. I quit friendships I’d imagined would last a lifetime.

    I’m not asking for an A+ or gold stars for my “self” work. I wasn’t hit by a spark of spiritual lightening and magically committed to this transformation. In a lot of ways, the Universe didn’t give me much of a choice.

    There were cysts, and scans, and rashes, and allergic reactions, which ignited a powerful underlying anxiety about the fact that I hadn’t been “healthy” since I could remember.

    This anxiety festered and danced into relationships with my roommates, ex-boyfriends, siblings, co-workers, and, most importantly, myself.

    It was the perfect mix of elements, a storm front hitting just the right pocket of pressure. And boom—a hurricane showed up.

    I stood in the middle, watching as the winds of change tore through my life, uplifting anything that wasn’t serving my purpose, my passion, my inner peace or my health.

    This ripping and tearing of people, places, and things that I’d brought into my life—assuming they might help me grow into a happier, stronger version of myself—was at first paralyzing, upsetting, and infuriating.

    I was tempted time and time again to numb out, to play the familiar role of the victim. After all, I had more than my fair share of material to work with, courtesy of the endless doctor’s appointments, unrelenting stomach aches, and my never-ending anxiety.

    Instead, I decided to bow my head, nod, and accept that the Universe had sent a storm to help me clean up my act and fall in love with my best self. I surrendered and allowed those gusts to take with them all the other versions of Kate I’d built for everyone else. (more…)

  • You Can Control What You Do Today

    You Can Control What You Do Today

    “What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” ~Pericles

    Life is full of challenges. These obstacles are the greatest teachers we can have.

    As I’m sure is true for all of us, I have struggled with many things throughout my life. I used to feel a sense of “woe is me,” but I’ve learned to leverage these experiences to make positive changes in life.

    Don’t let your history dominate your life. We have a choice. You can let your past be the ruler of your life—or, you can make a choice to change your attitude and perspective. 

    I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My parents showed little in the way of affection, and I dare say they stayed together “for the kids.” This was a recipe for disaster. Water boils at 212 degrees, and our family was moving closer to that boiling point on a daily basis.

    The inevitable collapse came to fruition during the summer of my freshman year of college, in 1995.  After an intense argument, I had to separate my parents from a potentially disastrous physical altercation.

    A call to the police was made, and my dad was taken to jail for the night. Twenty-six years of marriage gone in an instant. That was it. My dad moved out the next day.

    I felt extreme guilt. I was faced with unending questions about what I could’ve done to save my parents’ marriage. I didn’t allow myself to grieve. I felt the grief my parents were feeling was enough for all of us.

    I buried these feelings and numbed myself. My negativity and destructive thinking overwhelmed me. I was never the same as a college athlete, as I let my personal challenges affect my confidence. My relationship was never the same with my girlfriend. It eventually went up in smoke.

    My biggest mistake was never talking to anyone about what I was going through. I turned to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain. This only caused more problems.  (more…)

  • The Relief and Power of Accepting Your Struggles (and Finding Hidden Gifts)

    The Relief and Power of Accepting Your Struggles (and Finding Hidden Gifts)

    “It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

    I love acceptance. Acts of surrender create forward momentum.

    If we all pause for a moment and observe what we are fighting, right here and right now—maybe depression, anxiety, weight gain, low self-image, or financial stress—we’ll have an opportunity to accept then.

    But that’s just the start.

    Recently I accepted something I never thought I would. Reframing the way I thought about it changed my life.

    I have moderate to severe OCD. Having OCD is basically like believing everything that goes through your mind. Scary, right?

    Obsessive-compulsive people have intrusive and extremely terrifying thoughts—for example, that he or she may have been contaminated by something, which might lead him or her to spend hours washing. I have a base underlying all of my obsessions: that I will hurt people. It was and can be my greatest fear.

    For example, I used to worry that I left the oven or iron on and that, in doing so, I may have burned the house down, which would ruin my husband’s life and also kill our cat. So I’d return home multiple times per day to check these appliances and also send my husband home to check. I also had massive rituals around shutting appliances off.

    OCD is a time-sucker. Obsessive compulsives create rituals to lower the anxiety. I’d check to make sure I didn’t leave the iron on, do everything evenly on both sides of my body so I felt “balanced,” retrace events that happened in my life to make absolutely certain I hadn’t harmed anyone accidentally, and search the internet excessively for answers.

    These rituals literally took up hours my day.

    I discovered that I had OCD one afternoon when I was trying to figure out how you know something for certain.

    Try googling that.

    The first thing that popped up for my search query was about obsessive-compulsive disorder. I felt immediate relief. (more…)

  • Growing through Challenges: How Intentions Shape Our Lives

    Growing through Challenges: How Intentions Shape Our Lives

    “Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” ~Bernice Johnson Reagon

    The last five years of my life involved a lot of self-inflicted stress and tremendous spiritual growth.

    In 2003 I made a decision that would have a major impact on my life without realizing my true intentions.

    While knowing the financial safety net was not securely in place, I decided to remain at home with my daughter instead of returning to work. Previously, when I left our first child in the care of someone else at ten months old, I felt anxious the entire time I was away from him.

    I didn’t want to experience those feelings of discomfort again, and I didn’t wanted my children to feel as alone as I did as a child, so I ignored all external factors and decided not to place our daughter in childcare.

    I wanted to be the primary caregiver for my children and to show them that, above all else, they were the most important parts of my life. I wanted my daughter to experience maternal bonding and the consistent physical presence of someone who absolutely adored her.

    However, this wasn’t my only motivation; I just didn’t fully understand my complete intentions. (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Masterfully Navigate Life Challenges

    5 Ways to Masterfully Navigate Life Challenges

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.” ~Pema Chodron

    In my twenties I had dreams that I could fly. Literally. In my mind’s eye, I had a vision of myself dancing in the air. I thought if I were an animal, I would be a graceful eagle soaring through the skies.

    Never mind I am just shy of six feet tall and aerodynamically inept. I had a dream and I was going to follow it. Hence, I called the local circus teacher to pursue the hobby of aerial acrobatics.

    My favorite nest became a piece of silk fabric also known as aerial tissue. I would spend hours dangling in the air while twirling, spiraling, and practicing an array of tricks.

    If you have seen Cirque du Soleil, it’s likely you’ve seen this apparatus. The tissue is a colorful piece of fabric, typically hanging twenty to thirty feet in the air, which provides the landscape for acrobats to climb, dance, and perform a series of contortionist and ballerina-type moves.

    I was a novice on all levels of performance, with the exception of a few good moves (in my opinion), but my passion was unstoppable.

    One day I improperly rigged the tissue. While climbing fifteen feet into the air, the knot securing the tissue to a beam gave away. The result: a splattered me—two shattered wrists, fractured spinal vertebrae, and a broken foot.

    Life as I knew it disappeared. In an instant, I lost my capacity to work, care for myself, and function independently.

    At nine on Monday morning I was an avid athlete, massage therapist, and yoga instructor. At noon I was a hospital resident, infantile adult, and defeated cripple.

    My life utterly and completely shattered, offering me one of my most challenging opportunities to become more fully awake.

    I became 100% dependent on others for all my basic needs. I was fed, bathed, and taken to the bathroom. My nimble feet were reduced to wheels on a chair. My arms casted like prisoners. My back braced like steel.

    The lessons I received were seemingly impossible to grasp in the moment, and yet they form the core of whom I am today.

    Would I do it again? No. Would I do it differently if I could? Possibly. Would I trade in the personal growth I gained? Not in a million years.

    As challenging, difficult, lonely, surprising, and frustrating as the experience was, as I began to view it as a doorway rather than an accident. I transformed my injury into an awakening.

    Defying doctor’s prognosis and popular opinion, four months later, I was back on my feet teaching, giving healing sessions, and practicing yoga.

    If you are up against the wall, if you have lost a loved one, your health, a job, a sense of direction or a feeling of hope, if you so choose, you too can transform your most difficult situation into opportunity. (more…)

  • 5 Tips to Accept Your Weaknesses: The First Step Toward Growth

    5 Tips to Accept Your Weaknesses: The First Step Toward Growth

    “Growth begins when we begin to accept our weaknesses.” ~Jean Vanier

    I went out with my mom this Sunday, a beautiful, sunny, fall day in San Francisco. As we sat on a bench looking out over the bay and ate our vegetarian spring rolls, she reminded me of an incident that happened when I was a teenager when she and I had traveled to the Grand Canyon.

    In a nutshell, I had gotten irate over a family that was feeding the ground squirrels French fries right next to a sign that said “Don’t Feed the Squirrels.” I went up to them and, apparently, was very vehement in my request that they stop feeding the F&*$% squirrels their F&*%$ junk food.

    My mom laughed as she recounted the story (and how she now tells it to others), but I froze up in shame.

    I remember how badly I felt afterwards for losing my cool like that—how I felt like shrinking up and disappearing. What to my mom was a funny story of a teenage freak-out, to me was yet another reminder of how flawed I am.

    The story reminded me of hundreds of other times—some as recent as a couple of weeks ago—when I lost my temper and lost control. And how each time, I’ve felt the cold fingers of shame, guilt, and regret, and wonder despairingly what is so wrong with me that I can’t seem to stop blowing up at people.

    I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by people who forgive me my faults and flaws as I forgive theirs. I can never hold a grudge for very long because I know how it feels to make mistakes.

    Always, when I’ve lost it with someone, I’ve apologized profusely, and I’ve used these incidents as opportunities to look inside myself and explore what happened, what triggered my anger, and how I can help make it less likely to happen in the future. (more…)