Tiny Buddha

Tag: struggle

  • 10 Powerful Quotes on Overcoming Adversity (and a Book Giveaway)

    10 Powerful Quotes on Overcoming Adversity (and a Book Giveaway)

    UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen. They are Kristie St. Germain and Suzanne Hermary.

    As the year is coming to a close, now seems like a perfect time to shine a spotlight on one of my favorite books of 2017.

    Tiny Buddha contributor Harriet Cabelly has crafted a masterpiece in her book Living Well Despite Adversity: Inspiration for Finding Renewed Meaning and Joy in Your Life.

    Harriet’s faced her share of personal challenges in life, from going through a life-threatening medical crisis with her daughter to rebuilding her life after divorce. But this book isn’t just about her own journey. It features interviews with dozens of people who’ve learned to thrive despite illness, loss, and other tragedies.

    Uplifting and empowering, Living Well Despite Adversity offers hope and inspiration for anyone who’s struggling in life.

    The stories are raw, the lessons powerful, and the messages universal. While some of the names are well known—including Cheryl Strayed and Meredith Viera—many were new to me; and I couldn’t have been more grateful for the chance to learn a little about their journeys and what’s helped them heal and grow.

    I’ve shared below some of my favorite excerpts from the book, but first…

    The Giveaway

    Harriet has generously offered to provide two copies of Living Well Despite Adversity to Tiny Buddha readers. To enter the giveaway:

    • Leave a comment below. You don’t have to write anything specific. ”Count me in” is sufficient. But if you feel inclined, please share your favorite quote on overcoming adversity or something that’s helped you get through tough times.
    • For an extra entry, share this giveaway on one of your social media pages and post the link in a second comment.

    You can enter until midnight, PST, on Monday, December 17th.

    The Quotes

    From Michael Hingson, who was born blind, later survived 9-11 with the help of his guide dog, and then wrote the bestselling memoir Thunder Dog:

    “If I were to suggest to other people what they ‘should’ do if they’re going through a tragedy or any kind of unexpected change I would say you must start with accepting the fact that the change happened, especially if you didn’t have control over it. And even if you did and it took an unexpected turn where you were left in a quandary, you must start with ‘All right, where am I?’ Get over the fact that it happened—‘Now where do I go from here?’ I don’t care what the challenge is, we all can start with that.”

    From Amy Morin, who lost her mother, husband, and father-in-law in quick succession and then wrote the book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do:

    “It’s tempting to try to avoid the sadness and distress associated with grief—but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you have to face your emotions head-on. Other people will try to cheer you up because they’re uncomfortable with you being sad, but let yourself feel sad and angry and lonely. Time doesn’t heal anything. It’s what you do with that time that matters. So it’s important to use your time to heal—and part of healing means experiencing a wide variety of emotions. And don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends, family, and professionals. Your connections with other people can make all the difference in the world.”

    From Natalie Taylor, who lost her husband, Josh, while pregnant with their first child:

    “One thing I try to say to myself when I hit a bad patch is this idea that ‘it will pass.’ I won’t feel this way the whole day or the whole week. So I sort of embrace it and go through it because it will pass. It’s not that I ignore it. When I do get sad I remind myself that I’ll be happy again, eventually, or I’ll do something else in the day that will make me happy. I just know that things change quickly, although with grief they don’t change so quickly. At this point, four years out, my day-to-day attitude is so much more positive than it was three or four years ago obviously.

    From Meredith Viera, journalist, TV personality, and caregiver to her husband Richard Cohen, who’s been living with MS for more than thirty years:

    “Build that group of friends, that support system around you. Go for it. Don’t be afraid. Don’t feel that you’re a burden to other people. And don’t be ashamed of illness. What you’ll discover is everybody else has their own thing. People don’t like to talk about stuff. They hide it, but if you’re open and you say you need help, people will be there for you. It’s important to know they’re there. It’s like it takes a village; when there’s illness it takes a village too. Most people have been phenomenal.”

    From Laverne Bissky, who started the No Ordinary Journey Foundation to help children, like her daughter, who struggle with Cerebral Palsy:

    “For me coping is about balance: not static balance but dynamic balance because life is always in a state of flux. It’s about knowing when to push hard and when to rest. When to fight and when to let go. When to use and when to conserve resources. When to work hard and when to have fun. Practicing mindfulness helps me to know when to shift between these. It’s about paying attention to what is going on inside of you.”

    From Natasha Alexenko, sexual assault survivor and founder of Natasha’s Justice Project, whose mission is to ensure rape kits are tested and investigated quickly:

    “You don’t always have to be productive. You’re biggest responsibility is to yourself and making sure you’re OK. If you are not feeling well emotionally or mentally, you should treat yourself almost like you’re ill. If you had a cold you wouldn’t necessarily mop your floors or do your laundry. You’re allowed to take a moment to smell the roses and not be hard on yourself.”

    From Julie Genovese, who wrote the memoir Nothing Short of Joy to share her story of living with a physically and emotionally challenging form of dwarfism:

    “I didn’t realize I had a choice of how to see my challenges. When I turned it around to see those challenges as adventures or as mountains to climb so that I could see a fantastic view, my attitude changed; that shift in perspective would change all of it. I realized I did have more of this inner divine power than I had realized in the past. It’s a universal quality that keeps us moving forward. It’s that desire to be our own truth, to be our whole self. We are all born into these different handicaps, visible or invisible, and they are the catalyst to wake us up and remind us that we came here for growth and awareness. Our hardship and struggles are that springboard to appreciate what we can have here if we look at it differently, or if we experience it with new senses—like jumping into a pool after a horribly hot day is ten times better than jumping into a pool every day when you’ve never really gotten hot. As humans we have these catalysts to keep prodding us forward and to keep remembering there’s a greater and more beautiful truth than maybe what we’re living.”

    From Dr. Daniel Gottlieb, psychologist, author, and radio show host, who’s been paraplegic since a car accident three decades ago:

    “When I’m in a dark hole, I want someone who loves me enough to sit there next to me and not tell me there’s light on the other side. Words are not going to do anything and 90% of the time they’re going to be patronizing. They’re also going to be a byproduct of your own anxiety and helplessness. Just sit with me. Just have the courage to try to fathom what I’m experiencing.”

    From Judy Shephard, who lost her son to an anti-gay hate crime and then founded the Matthew Shephard Foundation to help erase hate:

    “In my personal experience, as well as that of many very close friends and family members, you don’t ‘emerge.’ The darkness is always there; it just gets different. It becomes something you can look at with some objectivity. We still have joy and happiness in our lives; it’s just different. At least, that is what it has been for my family to date. My advice is not to let anyone tell you the accepted time limit for grief—it is limitless. That being said, it must also become something you embrace rather than fear. We’ve encouraged our friends and family to still share memories of Matt, not to shy away from remembering him. He will always be a part of our lives and that is a good thing.”

    From Julia Fox Garrison, stroke survivor and author of the memoir Don’t Leave Me This Way:

    “I think we are conditioned to say the word ‘can’t’ which closes all doors to possibilities. I have discovered that if you include the word ‘yet’ then the door to opportunity remains ajar. I used to say ‘can’t’ so often that it became second nature in conversation. Now I avoid saying ‘can’t’, but when I need to say it, I always include the qualifier, ‘yet’. So I can’t rollerblade yet, but I plan on it someday, maybe.”

    You can learn more about Living Well Despite Adversity: Inspiration for Finding Renewed Meaning and Joy in Your Life on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

  • The Fact That You’re Struggling Doesn’t Make You a Burden

    The Fact That You’re Struggling Doesn’t Make You a Burden

  • The Struggle You’re In Today

    The Struggle You’re In Today

  • I Am Thankful for My Struggle

    I Am Thankful for My Struggle

  • Nobody’s Perfect

    Nobody’s Perfect

  • 7 Lessons to Remember When Life Seems to Suck

    7 Lessons to Remember When Life Seems to Suck

    “I’m grateful for past betrayals, heartaches, and challenges… I thought they were breaking me; but they were sculpting me.” ~Steve Maraboli

    I winced in pain as I climbed off the elliptical. This was one of the few times that I had ever set foot into a gym. And it was out of necessity rather than choice.

    That necessity came from chronic lower back and leg pain, which I had been living with for the better part of six months. At the time, I didn’t know it would end up being just chronic, idiopathic pain.

    All I knew was that it hurt, and I was limping with every step I took.

    The pain had a definite impact on my quality of life.

    For those first two years I could rarely sit for more than five minutes at a time, as a burning sensation would soon envelop my hip and thigh area, making it uncomfortable. The only way to alleviate the sensation was to stand. This was difficult for me, as I am an engineer who makes his living in front of the computer.

    In my quest to get better I saw enough specialists to count on both hands. Because I lived in a small town, they were often two-and-a-half to three-and-a-half hours by car, one way! Imagine the challenges of trying to sit in a car for that long a period of time when the very act of sitting was uncomfortable for me.

    Each time, the doctor would say that he didn’t know what was wrong with me. The good news, at least, was that I was not in danger of dying anytime soon.

    Little did I know at the time that I would find myself on a journey of self-improvement, borne out of a spiritual necessity. As a result, I would make drastic changes to my life.

    I would eventually learn to stop using pain as an excuse not to exercise. I discovered what it meant to make a decision—to decide, really decide.

    I would also discover that I am my own worst enemy, what with the constant barrage of negative thoughts that consumed every waking moment as I sought answers from one doctor to the next.

    Through it all, I would discover the power of meditation to help me deal with life’s stresses (people or situations).

    Four years later, this chronic pain is but a distant memory. From time to time it returns as nothing more than a mild muscle soreness or tension.

    These are the lessons I wish to share with you today.

    You Are What You Think

    Among many of the things I started changing were my thoughts.

    Because I have a history of cancer in my family, when I first started the doctor visits, I constantly assumed the worst.

    Several relatives had already passed away from this disease. My father had two bouts with cancer. Both times, he was fortunate enough to walk away.

    Unfortunately, after each time he still believed the disease was in his body, despite the doctor declaring a clean bill of health some ten years after his first bout.

    Sound familiar?

    Because I had the best training in the world, I saw doctor after doctor, trying to find something wrong with me. I refused to accept the second, third, or fourth opinion that I was really fine. That there was nothing wrong with me.

    Be in the Habit of Questioning Your Beliefs

    It starts with a subtle shift of consciously being aware of your thoughts and questioning them. I’m not saying that you should be constantly monitoring your thoughts. That would be tiring.

    So long as you are able to step back every now and then to ask yourself these questions, you are in good shape.

    • Why did I just think what I thought?
    • From where did I get these beliefs?
    • Are they correct? Is it possible that my beliefs are wrong?
    • What other perspectives are also correct?
    • How are these beliefs helping me?

    Question your thoughts, for they lead to emotions. Watch your emotions, which lead to actions. Examine your actions (or lack thereof), which ultimately lead to results.

    Another way to look at things is this: If you don’t like where you are, begin by looking at your results. Then look at the actions you took to achieve those results. Look yet another step backward to the emotions associated with those actions. Going further back, look at the thinking that created those emotions in the first place.

    Now, can you see why what we think is so important?

    Sometimes Things Have to Get Worse Before They Get Better

    Those words were from my chiropractor, and they would keep echoing through my head as I fought back the waves of pain running down the lower right side of my body.

    I almost laughed when he first said them to me, thinking they were terribly cliché. Yet, this doctor was doing something none of the other specialists could do: alleviate my pain. Within the first hour of seeing him, my discomfort had almost halved.

    Not only was he helping me with my pain, his simple words motivated me to start an exercise program for the first time in my life, despite the pain.

    Keep in mind that two other doctors had also suggested this, but I dismissed their advice, thinking it was crazy to suggest exercise to a patient in pain, since I assumed it would exacerbate his condition. In other words, I thought I knew best.

    As for what led up to those waves of pain, I was on the elliptical, trying this strange machine for the first time in my life. And I was hurting.

    It had only been ten minutes, but they were grueling. The guy next to me made it look easy, clocking in at thirty minutes and still going. I was hurting too much and had to jump off the machine.

    As I stood there wondering what was going on with my health, I had a do-or-die moment: I could give up, go home, piss and moan about how much everything was hurting and what a dumb idea it was for the doctors to suggest that I start an exercise program, and never come back.

    Yet, the words of my chiropractor kept playing back in my head. It shifted my perception: Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

    At this moment in my journey, my back was to the wall. I had no other direction but forward. I would decide then and there that I would give it another month to see if my condition would improve better.

    Many more times on the elliptical, something amazing gradually happened: My chronic pain was starting to go away!

    The Bad Times Are a Gift

    And so it is with things you are attempting for the first time. It may seem to really suck, when you’ve failed for the 100th time, with success seemingly a long ways off.

    It’s in these bad times that we choose to shift our perceptions and decide that failure is just a feedback mechanism. We learn both from our mistakes and our missed takes in life, about both the situations and ourselves.

    And when we finally achieve success, we can truly appreciate what had at the time seemed like terrible moments in our lives. It’s these moments that brought forth the hidden potential within us. In other words, we discover truly powerful and resilient parts of ourselves that would have lain dormant had these “bad” times not been gifted to us.

    Stop Finding Excuses for Why You Can’t

    Instead, look for reasons why you can.

    Over time, I added weights to my repertoire in order to strengthen my core. Initially, I was concerned about lifting because of my scoliosis. I soon attracted a Crossfit crowd into my life. This would be a source of valuable workout information for me.

    In particular, I met a power lifter (this guy can lift 700+ pounds!) and asked what he thought about scoliosis and lifting. He told me about Lamar Grant, a power lifter who stands at just 5’2” and has scoliosis.

    What was amazing about Grant was that he could deadlift 661 pounds at a bodyweight of 132 pounds. Grant holds world records for deadlifts in his weight class.

    What this friend was telling me was in essence this: Stop looking for excuses for why you can’t do something. Instead, go do it in spite of the situation.

    In my case, I should be lifting to strengthen my core because I do have scoliosis. I should be lifting because Lamar Grant is a prime example of someone who persevered in spite of his circumstances. It was because of his circumstances that he went on to set world records.

    Successful People Are Thankful for Their Circumstances

    Lamar Grant would not have been the Lamar Grant if he never started lifting because of his scoliosis.

    If not for his deafness, Beethoven would have fallen into obscurity as just another live concert performer. In spite of his growing and near complete deafness, Beethoven went on to compose some of the world’s most moving and beautiful symphonic pieces. Almost 200 years after it was written, his music is still listened and enjoyed today.

    These people rose above their circumstances. They asked themselves, “What is it that I am to learn from this particular set of circumstances at this time? How does the Universe want me to grow?”

    In other words, they stopped blaming whatever hand they had been dealt and learned to play it as best they could.

    In my case, I learned the discipline of working out three times a week on top of working through my pain. This discipline would transfer to other areas of my life.

    No matter how tired I am after work or how little I feel like going to the gym, I still do it. I know that as soon as I develop the habit of not going to the gym, then it’s over. Likewise, I simply developed the habit of going to the gym.

    It’s the same with other things I dislike doing. I do them anyway, as they are necessary to the path of success.

    You Can Calm Your Mind Through Meditation

    When I first learned how to meditate, it was one of the most difficult things to do. I would often fall asleep. Or, my mind would wander in totally different directions. I even gave up for some time.

    As I was still studying self-improvement, the concept of meditation kept coming up, especially among highly successful individuals. They often credited meditation as one of the pillars to achieving lasting success.

    So, I decided to give it another shot (or ten!) Over time, I was getting better at dismissing thoughts as they entered my mind, without any judgment or emotions.

    When you learn to mediate, you start to live in your own world, in your own terms. People who would have normally pushed your buttons no longer have the effect they used to have.

    I frequently get comments from my coworkers, who wonder how I can be so patient with so-and-so. They even thank me for being a buffer, or tell me they might have lost it already. I tell them that the “secret” to my inner peace and calmness is meditation.

    The “old me” would have been fuming for days after the offending event. The “new me” responds much differently.

    I have discovered another benefit of meditation. When I was first going through my chronic pain issue, one night I was able to “disconnect” my brain from my body. In other words, for that moment I felt pain-free!

    I now meditate every day for about fifteen to twenty minutes when I first wake up. This is the best time to meditate as your brain is still closest to emitting theta waves. Theta waves are generated during sleep and are the closest to accessing your subconscious you can get.

    By meditating during this time, you tap into the true self within you. As an example of why you would want to tap into your true self, consider this: You might have at one point in your life woke up, hit Snooze on your alarm, turned back to sleep, and said, “I hate my job. I don’t want to go to work today.”

    By meditating right after waking up, you will get closer to finding what truly gets your juices flowing. You discover what your real values and passions are so that you can start living authentically.

    Those intuitive thoughts or random ah-ha moments that you’re trying to tap into during meditation do not necessarily come during meditation. For me, 99% of the time they come when I’m taking a five-minute break, sipping some tea, working out, taking a walk, washing dishes, or doing something as mundane as sitting in the dentist’s chair.

    In other words, the payoff is outside of meditation. Through meditation, you learn to first let go of random thoughts so that you stop obsessing over the ones that hurt you. Instead, you want to focus on the ones that resonate with you.

    Most of All: Decide!

    You have to decide, really decide, what it is that you want. We have all made half-baked decisions in our lives. We put in the effort for a little while before giving up. That’s not really deciding.

    You already know what it is. When you have really decided, you feel it in your gut. You know that no matter what happens, no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it is, you will see it through to the end.

    For me, it was that do-or-die moment when I was in pain from being on the elliptical. My back was to the wall, and I truly had no place to go but forward.

    Even to this day, when I am about to make a big decision, I think back to this defining moment and the emotions it wrought. I know I have really decided when I feel those same emotions.

    So grab hold of that feeling. Or, look for it when you make a decision. That’s how you know if you truly meant it when you decided.

    The Lessons at a Glance

    To sum up the lessons learned, here they are.

    • You are what you think. So, choose carefully!
    • Question your beliefs.
    • Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.
    • Stop finding excuses for why you can’t. This is called blaming. Instead, find reasons why you can. This is called taking the initiative.
    • Be thankful for both the good and the bad in your life for both are gifts.
    • Meditate
    • Really decide.

    I used to wonder if, given the chance to be spared those three years of pain, infirmity, and uncertainty, would I take it.

    I have come to realize that at any given moment, life brings with it challenges. With each challenge is the amazing the opportunity to grow, so long as we see it this way. Others may rail against it.

    It’s made me the person I am today. I would have missed all those important lessons and tremendous opportunities for self-growth. More importantly, I would have missed sharing those lessons here today.

  • The Struggle You’re In Today

    The Struggle You’re In Today

    The struggle youre in today

  • The Trap of Thinking You’re Special and Entitled to Success

    The Trap of Thinking You’re Special and Entitled to Success

    Man on a pedestal

    “Life is not designed to give us what we need; life is designed to give us what we deserve.” ~Jim Rohn

    Is there something wrong with being special?

    Short answer: yes.

    But why is that? Being special is… special!

    That’s true, but there’s a downside most people aren’t aware of.

    Before we go any further, let me clarify what I mean by “being special.”

    In short, being special is about thinking that what applies to others doesn’t apply to you, thinking that you’re an exception to the rules of life that others have to follow.

    It has nothing to do with having healthy self-esteem or thinking highly of oneself; in fact, it’s all about ego and self-deception.

    And you could be thinking in such a destructive way without even realizing it.

    The Trap of Being Put on a Pedestal

    Let’s say when you were growing up, people put you on a pedestal for something you did well.

    Maybe you used to get straight A’s, maybe you were a good boy/girl who never broke the rules, maybe you were more physically attractive than most of your peers, and so on.

    In short, you had a privilege that set you apart from your peers, and you may have done nothing or very little to get that advantage.

    Maybe you never had to study hard and didn’t know how you got those awesome grades every time—it just happened!

    Maybe politeness was natural to you and it seemed odd that people gave you so much credit for it.

    You just had an advantage and enjoyed it, but you didn’t know how you got it.

    People around you likely assumed you’d have an awesome future based on your awesome past (which, once again, didn’t require much effort from you).

    Now, this kind of child, with the right set of circumstances, may grow up thinking that he/she is special. And this child might believe that he or she can succeed in anything with little effort. Soon enough, this person will figure out that this isn’t true.

    My Story

    When I was a kid, I used to be the perfect student.

    Not only were my grades good, but also I used to be very polite and I made almost no mistakes.

    My peers would say “Mosab, how do you get such great grades every time? How do you study?”

    The teachers would tell another student to be like me: “Why can’t you be like Mosab?!”

    I even remember that one day, a teacher caught my friend and me playing during the lesson, and I vividly remember that he told my friend something like:

    “He doesn’t need to pay attention because his grades are already good, but you are the one who needs to pay attention.”

    Because of the conditioning everywhere around me, I continued being that little “perfect” kid.

    I ended up going to one of the best high schools in my country, graduating, and then going to one of the best colleges inside my country.

    And don’t get me wrong; I’m grateful for the opportunities of studying in such awesome places and meeting great people throughout my journey.

    But all of my past conditioning made me think that I had some kind of special power, that I was too smart to fail, and that everything I’d do would be a success.

    I never understood how success really works, how real life works, or how to move one step at a time toward your goals. And here’s the most interesting part: I never understood how I could earn something or qualify for it; it was all there for me and I was already qualified.

    For example, when I started my own blog, I assumed that people would love my writing immediately and that I’d have more knowledge than many other self-development bloggers, because I thought things would work the same way they did when I was a kid.

    I assumed people would give me recognition immediately; I wouldn’t have to work hard because I’m so awesome! Of course, that proved to be untrue.

    What About You?

    For you it could be a whole different story, but the outcome may be the same: You were deceived to believe you were an exception, especially if you had a bright past.

    At some point, you may get lazy, assuming that one day you will have a better future just because of your astounding past.

    Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. The only way to create a great future is to work for it.

    From my own story, and from many people I’ve seen who think that they’re “too epic to fail,” I can confidently say that “being special” is nothing but a way to escape the discomfort of taking responsibility and changing things. It’s a way to avoid hard work, a self-deception strategy.

    After all, it’s easier to say you’re special, especially if you have the past to back it up, than to jump into the mud and get your hands dirty working on changing your situation.

    The Valuable Lessons You Need To Learn Here

    Ego, especially when you hide it from yourself, is your worst enemy.

    In fact, ego is nothing but a symptom of feeling weak in one area and wanting to cover that up by acting too strong, which never works.

    In order to get something, you need to qualify for it, to earn it, and that requires putting yourself on the line and working hard.

    It also requires facing yourself and admitting that sometimes you’ll fail and struggle, but you still have room to grow.

    I leaned this the hard way, and I’m still learning, but now I can see clearly that I must stop thinking that the world owes me something and start working hard to get what I want.

    Now, I like to think that I’m unique, not special. We’re all unique somehow; we all have unique perspectives and abilities, and we can use our own uniqueness to design our future—if we’re willing to put in the effort.

  • When Things Go Wrong: 5 Tips for Navigating Your “Why Me” Moments

    When Things Go Wrong: 5 Tips for Navigating Your “Why Me” Moments

    Frustrated man

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C.S. Lewis

    Have you ever been cruising down the highway of life only to unexpectedly hit a major pothole that completely threw you off? Maybe you lost a job, ended a relationship, or were betrayed by a friend.

    It’s easy to wonder “why did this happen to me?” and stay buried in the pothole. It’s up to us to break free and regain our cruising speed on our life journey. Easier said than done, right?

    I hit a major pothole in my professional life that blindsided me and left me feeling alone and unsure of what to do. Through this experience, I learned a lot about getting out of the pothole and getting back to living my fullest life. Let me start by telling you a little about my journey to the pothole.

    The Rise

    I grew up very much an academic, excelling in school all the way through the ranks of getting a Ph.D. in Operations Research (which is essentially applied math).

    After that final graduation, I went off into the work force to put all of my newly learned skills, tools, and techniques to work. I worked as an analyst directly for two US federal agencies and also at a federally funded research and development center (FFRDC).

    While at the FFRDC, I began talking to two colleagues/ friends, and we decided that we should strike out on our own. We started an analytical consulting company and began pursuing federal contracts. We were very successful.

    As with most businesses, we had our ups and downs, but overall life was good. As owners, our skill sets complemented each other very well, but we did have some differences in our business philosophies that in the back of my mind I always viewed as a ticking time bomb.

    The Fall

    Fast-forward six years. All of sudden I found myself at real odds with my business partners and everything began to unravel. My partners gave me an ultimatum that was crushing, and I was forced to move on.

    It was unexpected, and I was deeply hurt. I didn’t know where to turn. I had devoted everything to this company and partnership over the last six years…what was I going to do now? Why me?!?!

    Pulling it together after this blow was definitely a challenge professionally and personally, and I learned some valuable lessons about getting through the “why me” moments in life.

    The Lessons

    1. Don’t get caught up in your story.

    When bad things happen, it’s very easy to get caught up in the drama. We can get a lot of things from repeating our story to others such as sympathy, support, and encouragement. But wallowing in that story keeps you living in the past and not focused on being present to what’s in front of you right now.

    Initially, I would go into all of the gory details of the “break up” when people asked me why I wasn’t in the business anymore, but pretty soon I grew tired of living in and repeating that story. Although people still asked me what happened, my response was just that I had irreconcilable differences with my partners. No bells, no whistles…simply, I’ve moved on. This kept me out of my story.

    2. Don’t consume yourself in placing blame.

    It’s easy to focus on placing blame on yourself and/or others when difficulties arise. What could I have done differently? Why did they do this to me? Why didn’t I try harder?

    Focusing on all these “what ifs” won’t change the situation or ease your pain and sorrow. Focus your energy on what you can do right here, right now, to move forward.

    3. Accept where you are. 

    As hard as it may be, you have to accept what happened. You can try not to, but it will only bring you more pain. Accepting your present circumstance is the first step to moving forward. 

    We have a natural tendency to judge and analyze the things that occur in our lives and label them as right or wrong, good or bad. Once we decide something is wrong or bad, we often spend a lot of time and energy complaining about it, feeling sorry for ourselves, pondering on how it could have gone differently, and/or trying to ‘fix’ it.

    Shifting from that place of judgment and ‘fixing’ to a state of acceptance frees up that energy to explore new possibilities available from our current reality.

    That doesn’t mean you have to like your current situation, but you do need to accept that you are where you are. It will clear your mind to take action to move to a better place.

    4. Find the lesson.

    This can be really hard because most potholes appear to be nothing but trouble when you hit them. But over time, you’ll likely realize that the pothole was actually there to teach or show you something.

    Perhaps a job loss is setting you up to pursue something you’ll enjoy more. Maybe ending your relationship with your significant other frees you to meet the true love of your life. It may not be apparent immediately, but there is a lesson to be learned and an opportunity to grow.

    For me, the end of my partnership freed me to advise other small business owners. During my time in the partnership, I learned how to run a small business and picked up several skills directly from my partners. I’m grateful because all of this prepared me to do what I do now which is extremely gratifying.

    5. Focus on your vision.

    Instead of holding a pity party, take the time to think about what you really want. Developing a vision of what you do want in your life (instead of focusing on your current situation and what you don’t want) is very powerful.

    If you pile all of your energy into thinking about what happened and how it could have gone differently, you’ll stay stuck. Create a new vision for yourself so you can move forward. Focus on the positive things you want to see in your life and set the intention to pursue them.

    This may require some rework of your previous plans, but that’s okay. Change can be good and may lead to things better than you could have imagined.

    —

    Life can definitely blindside you at times. Those unexpected circumstances or events can make or break you depending on how you recover. You may not have had control over what happened, but you do have a choice in how you respond.

    Accept your current reality, but don’t let it define you. Keep your eyes open for the lessons to be learned and create a clear vision of what you want moving forward. Set your intention on your vision and allow it to unfold.

  • Something Good Can Come from Pain and Struggle

    Something Good Can Come from Pain and Struggle

    Girl in the Rain

    “How thankful I am today, to know that all my past struggles were necessary for me to be where I am now.” ~Unknown

    Ten years ago when I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, my first thought was “Why me?” and it was this thought that followed me throughout my journey. It wasn’t until I was well enough to look back that I realized how much of my life was shaped by my anorexia. But not in a bad way.

    Today, I am thankful for the struggles I endured, for the deepest lows I dragged myself through, and all the places my illness took me, good and bad. If not for this experience, I believe I would not be who I am or where I am today.

    Today I am happy. I am happy with the life I live and the people I surround myself with. I am happy about my body and my eating habits, and I am happy to have survived. I didn’t think I would.

    Being thankful for our past experiences, our struggles, and our demons can be a hard thing to do. We sometimes wish events in our past could be erased so we could start anew. But without these events, we wouldn’t grow, learn, and change. 

    The day I realized this I was sitting in a small church that I had just started attending with my boyfriend at the time (who I asked to join me).

    The preacher’s wife came up to me to see how I was and to meet my friend. She asked me how school was, and I said I didn’t like it that much. She then responded by saying, “Well, if you hadn’t gone, you wouldn’t have met him” and pointed at my boyfriend (who later became my husband).

    This really opened my eyes, and after I left I started seeing everything in my life through this perspective.

    If I hadn’t gone to that school, I would never have met my future husband. If I hadn’t worked at that job I disliked, I would have never met one of my best friends. If I hadn’t battled anorexia, I wouldn’t have found my true self.

    When we are caught up in the moment, sometimes it’s hard to take a step back and look at the full picture. We see ourselves as victims and find it hard to identify what we could learn.

    One of my favorite authors, Christine Hassler once wrote, “Instead of asking yourself why this is happening to you, ask why this is happening for you.”

    Of course this advice is nice and everything, but at times our struggles seem pointless and we fail to recognize what they are teaching us. We may even see them as burdens or setbacks in our lives, but the way we look at these challenges can change everything.

    At first I didn’t see how having anorexia could have ever been a blessing. But when I looked at it as an experience for me, rather than to me, I started to see that I had a lot to be thankful for.

    I grew closer to my mother while healing. I gained knowledge about myself that I could only have gained through struggle, and learned how to take care of my wants and needs in a way that made me happy.

    I found weightlifting, which allows me to confidently accept my body and move through my life with more vigor and strength (both physically and mentally). I also found my purpose, which is to help others in some way with their own struggle with food and weight.

    When we see our pain as just that, we tend to overlook the positives, or feel there are none. We also prevent ourselves from finding some way to leverage our pain for good. Some of the world’s most helpful resources and beautiful works of art likely wouldn’t exist if someone hadn’t endured immense pain and struggle.

    There is something from your pain or struggle that is now helpful to you, or could be helpful to you in the future. Whether it allowed you to see something from a new angle, find new friends you never thought you’d have, or create a new life purpose, there is always something to be thankful for.

    Challenge yourself to look for the light rather than the darkness. I promise, you can find it. And if not you can create it.

    Girl in the rain image via Shutterstock

  • How to Be Your Own Hero When Faced With a Hopeless Challenge

    How to Be Your Own Hero When Faced With a Hopeless Challenge

    Superhero

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Can you remember a time when you felt completely helpless?

    I do. It was the day my daughter was diagnosed with a serious digestive illness. The doctor told us in the hospital chapel, and he acted like it was a death sentence. His one and only solution was to hand us sets of harsh prescriptions.

    I was in shock, and I knew deep down that something just didn’t add up. Her symptoms hadn’t even been that severe, although she had lost a significant amount of weight. What was happening to my little girl?

    I turned to some of the most highly respected specialists, hoping to stumble upon one who was willing and able to think outside the prescription pad. Instead, the best any of them could do was offer a pill of a different color.

    At that point, doctors seemed more like villains than the heroes I was hoping for. So, I took matters into my own hands.

    The journey was long, and we had many ups and downs. With every step forward, we had to take a step back. I became concerned that my daughter would never lead a normal life, but we kept going and never gave up.

    Then, something amazing happened. After four long years, we finally found the missing piece of her complicated health puzzle. Not only did our persistence and determination pay off, but my daughter got her life back! Her digestive system had healed, and the future was bright once again.

    It was a true miracle.

    After that experience, I realized that I could overcome almost any obstacle, as long as I set my mind to it. Now I know that no matter how unbearable or hopeless a situation may initially seem, I have the power to do something about it.

    You do, too.

    Here’s how to unleash your inner superhero, if and when you’re faced with a serious challenge of your own.

    1. Act like a sea star, not a wounded bird.

    While a wounded bird usually can’t heal on its own, a sea star regenerates its own limbs. It doesn’t have to wait for another sea star, or a human, to come to the rescue.

    Doctors backed me into a corner when they implied there was no alternative to their short sighted, one-size-fits-all solution. One even accused me of being a bad mom. That’s when I knew that I had to empower myself to help my daughter as best I could.

    The bottom line:

    You don’t always need someone or something else to help you overcome your obstacle. Yes, outside help can be beneficial. But you have the power within you to seek and potentially find solutions to your problem. First, you must acknowledge that you have tremendous power within. Then, and only then, can you take steps to unleash it.

    2. Remember: the world is your oyster.

    Did you know that oysters form pearls as a way to protect themselves from foreign substances, such as sand? Well, you could say that you have “pearls of wisdom” that give you the power to protect yourself and your loved ones.

    It all starts with trusting your gut instincts. If I had ignored mine early on, then I would have missed an important clue that doctors’ advice could be more harmful than helpful to my daughter. And I would not have given myself a chance to connect the many dots that ultimately set her health free.

    The bottom line:

    Listen to your inner voice. Not only is it there to protect you, but it can guide you toward people, places, information, and ideas that can transform your life.

    3. Dive deep into the research.

    Just think about how many expert opinions, and stories of real and imaginary people who have walked in similar shoes, are available in books and online resources. But the best ones are not always easy to find.

    I can’t tell you how many books and articles I’ve read ever since my daughter was diagnosed. Some were helpful; others were not. But there was one book that truly changed, and quite possibly even saved, my daughter’s life. And countless others as well.

    The bottom line:

    To become your own hero, go above and beyond surface level information. Reading the right book or article can not only relieve stress, but also provide you with valuable guidance that you probably won’t find anywhere else.

    4. Avoid becoming overwhelmed.

    On the other hand, so much information is available these days that exposing yourself to too much of it can actually work against you. Confusion can lead to indecision, which can easily prevent you from moving forward.

    I caught myself going down the rabbit hole many times during those four years. Eventually, I learned to nip it in the bud, using simple stress-reduction techniques. I would practice deep breathing, go for a walk, listen to music, cook, or write. The time away allowed me to see things with a fresh perspective.

    The bottom line:

    Stress relief is crucial during challenging times, and especially when negative thinking patterns set in. Try different techniques, and set aside time for them every day, even if it’s only for a few minutes. The mental break will do you good, so don’t feel guilty taking it.

    5. Learn from your mistakes. (We all make them!)

    While every decision and action may seem like a monumental task, in reality, you will likely go through a lot of trial and error before you find a complete solution. Be patient with yourself.

    During our four-year journey, I made decisions based upon the limited information I had at the time. Nothing was ever clear-cut. I moved forward, knowing I’d make mistakes. And in the end, those mistakes allowed me to connect important dots and make the necessary adjustments.

    The bottom line:

    Do not strive for perfection. Learn from mistakes and move on. Fully immerse yourself in the journey, without allowing fear to paralyze you along the way.

    6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

    Sometimes, life can get so challenging that we isolate ourselves. And while a certain amount of alone time can be transformative, you should find a source of emotional support as well.

    This was a tough one for me since most of my friends and family members just didn’t understand what I was going through, and seeing my daughter experience the same thing at such an awkward age was heartbreaking. But I got a lot of support from a handful of people, including some forward-thinking health care providers. I couldn’t have gotten through those four years without their help.

    The bottom line:

    Do what you need to do on your own, but don’t be afraid to ask for personal and/or professional support. Seek out people who lift you up, rather than pull you down.

    7. Make gratitude a daily habit.

    When you stop and think about everything you have to be thankful for, the situation seems a lot less bleak. A little gratitude can go a long way. And true hero power cannot be unleashed without it!

    It was my gratitude for having been blessed with such a wonderful family that fueled my every action during our four-year journey. I was reminded of it every day, when I looked at my two beautiful children. At times, I felt like a lion protecting her cub. Love motivated me from the core of my soul, each and every day.

    The bottom line:

    Every day, count on one hand five good things that are happening in your life. May they remind you of the five arms of a sea star. Jot them down in a journal, so you can revisit them anytime.

    —

    Do you believe you can become your own hero?

    It’s not as hard as you might think.

    And you don’t have to risk your life to do so.

    Looking back on my experience with my daughter, it wasn’t any one grand, heroic gesture that turned her life around. It was small, consistent actions taken by both of us that ultimately got us where we needed to go.

    It was our faith in a positive outcome, even when the path was unclear.

    So, if and when life ever throws you a hopeless challenge, know that you can face it head on and make it through to the other side.

    All you have to do is have faith in yourself, and make the decision to try.

    Because no matter how difficult a situation may be and how helpless you may initially feel, there’s always hope. Even if you’ve hit rock bottom and have lost all faith in many of the people around you, the one person you can always count on is you.

    As a true American hero, Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Believe you can, and you’re halfway there.”

    If you believe in yourself, there’s nothing you can’t do!

    Superhero image via Shutterstock

  • What We All Really Need When We’re Struggling

    What We All Really Need When We’re Struggling

    Sad Man

    “There are two ways of spreading light: be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” ~Edith Wharton

    I tucked my boarding pass safely into my coat pocket, donned my eyeglasses, and searched for the overhead signs that would lead me to the correct gate. Thanksgiving would be here soon and the Orlando airport was bursting at the seams with travelers.

    I turned the corner and jerked to a stop. Hundreds of people stood before me, bunched together in a space the size of a ballroom. I’d have to maneuver my way through them, I thought, to get to the security gate off in the distance. And then I quickly realized that’s exactly where all those other people were headed, too.

    I resigned myself to a long wait. What a waste of time, I thought to myself. I just want to get home.

    A symphony of sounds surrounded me: babies crying, kids fussing, some folks complaining, some laughing, loudspeakers blaring, cell phones ringing, along with the buzz of constant chatter.

    This being Orlando, a family wearing mouse ears huddled directly in front of me. I rose up on tiptoes to peek above their heads and catch a glimpse of the security area. Still far away. With no roped lanes to guide us, some newcomers gently nudged by me in an effort to gain a little bit of extra distance. Funny how you can be pressed up against others in a large crowd and at the same time be invisible to them.

    The swarm of people slowly funneled their way into one of two security lanes, and at last it was my turn. I handed my identification to the agent and was ushered into a long line of people waiting to go through the scanners. At least now it was an obvious line. No more folks jockeying for position.

    The woman behind me sighed. A few seconds later she sighed again. Not a sigh of frustration, more like a sigh of grim resignation. A TSA agent passed by and she flagged him down.

    “This is taking so long,” she said. “Will I be able to make my flight on time?” Her tone was one of despair.

    “I don’t know,” the agent replied.

    “Do you think they will hold the plane a few extra minutes for me?” she asked.

    I didn’t hear his response. I imagined he simply shook his head no. “Oh, dear,” she muttered to herself. “Oh, dear.”

    At the pace the line was moving I figured it would be another ten minutes at least before we would pass through the x-ray scanners. Then it was anyone’s guess how far you had to walk to arrive at the proper gate.

    Out of the corner of my eye I watched the woman behind me lower her head, forlorn and clearly troubled by her situation. I turned to her.

    “I couldn’t help but overhear,” I said. “Please switch places with me. Every little bit helps.” She gratefully accepted my offer. We both understood that my act saved her perhaps fifteen or twenty seconds of time. Hardly enough time to make a meaningful difference.

    But that which is most meaningful may not always be what you think.

    Instantly, as if by magic, her demeanor changed from being tense and downcast to cheery and hopeful. She exhaled another sigh, but this time it was a sigh of relief.

    “Isn’t this crazy!” she said, grinning ear to ear. “Next time I will plan better. Have you ever seen so many people?”

    She stood next to me, not in front of me or behind me, but side-by-side.

    We spent the next several minutes chatting happily about ordinary things—where we were headed, how wearisome travel can be, how a cup of strong coffee would taste so good right about now. But her smile never left her. And I was smiling, too. As much as I helped her to feel uplifted, I was now uplifted. My thoughts of a long day of travel ahead of me vanished.

    I grew deaf to the noises and chatter all about me. I didn’t see anyone else—no kids in strollers, no adults with mouse ears. This time I wasn’t invisible but everybody else was. It was just the two of us cracking jokes and making small talk. Side-by-side.

    Suddenly it was our turn for the x-ray scanner. She thanked me one last time and we parted ways. Within a minute I lost sight of her.

    What just happened? I asked myself. And then I realized something important. What this woman wanted was reassurance she would make her flight on time. But what she needed was to know that somebody cared.

    And isn’t that what we all need most of the time? When we feel worried or hurt or simply frustrated by life’s burdens; when the “givens” of life (sickness, loss, disappointment, heartbreak) overwhelm us; when we struggle to make our way through another day; a warm embrace, thoughtful gesture, or a hand on our shoulder can be all we need to feel a little more hopeful and, perhaps, a lot more cared about.

    I don’t know if that woman got to her plane on time. When you help others along the road you may never know the outcome of their journey. But it may not have been your purpose to know. Your purpose may have been to simply meet them on the path and in some way be a source of light so they can see things from a clearer perspective—and in so doing discovering that they may have been a source of light for you.

    As for me, I no longer see long lines as a waste of time but as opportunities to make a difference, however small, in someone’s life.

    Never underestimate your power to make a difference in the life of others by even a small act of kindness or a few comforting words. Opportunities abound every day. Seek them out. And we all know this to be true: it is in the giving that we receive.

    Lost hope image via Shutterstock

  • 9 Ways to Help Yourself When You’re Going Through a Hard Time

    9 Ways to Help Yourself When You’re Going Through a Hard Time

    Depressed Man

    “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    After my father had a stroke, it became too difficult to manage our family’s convenience store, so we decided to sell it. We spoke to several buyers, but a couple was most interested—the same couple who had originally sold us the store years earlier.

    In December 2012, in the middle of the transaction, my father was manipulated and our store and retirement savings were snatched away.

    They convinced my parents to transfer the store space’s lease over to them before selling the business. So we were illegally occupying someone else’s space.

    The landlord sent legal notices and bills to clear the space. We tried to work out a deal with the couple, but it was of no avail.

    I spoke to a lawyer and he said there was no case and that this was a deliberately hatched plan from the outset.

    Long story short, we were faced with two choices: give the store to the couple for peanuts, or clear the store and take our belongings elsewhere without compensation.

    We decided to clear the space, pack all our inventory and belongings, and dump them into our garage at our home.

    My parents could barely open the garage door, and we didn’t know what to do with the stuff. Should we find another location and start our business afresh? Or should we just close this chapter completely?

    I was filled with anger, bitterness, and pain, but I held it in.

    Bills piled up. My brother and I struggled to pay our mortgage payments every month.

    I channeled all my anguish into my work and staying afloat. When someone in my family talked about the situation, I brushed them off and avoided the topic.

    One night in February 2014, I cried. The tears wouldn’t stop. Something had changed in me.

    It was like my heart had to do an intervention and tell me: You have got to stop and feel your pain. You can’t keep going this way.

    I want to share how I finally dealt with my inner demons and shifted to a place of inner peace and acceptance. If you’re going through a tough time, this may help.

    1. Stop assuming the worst.

    After my experience, I noticed that I jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst about everyone, so I made it a point to acknowledge when someone was nice to me, whether it was a loved one or waitress.

    I also tried to be kind in return. This helped me open my heart again.

    It’s tempting to assume the worst when you’ve been wronged, but seeing the best in others will bring out the best in yourself.

    2. Challenge your beliefs.

    I heard the word “struggle” many times throughout my childhood. My father and mother said it frequently. It was ingrained in their consciousness, and as a result, in mine.

    After this experience, I decided to adopt a new belief: that I was meant to prosper.

    As cheesy as it sounds, I hung up I am a winner posters on my bedroom walls. I read stories about normal people like me who transformed their lives.

    I signed up for a life coaching and transformation program. All these things helped me create faith in myself so I could start to live a more inspiring life.

    You don’t have to do the same things, but in your own way, you can start to shed your limiting beliefs and support yourself so you can prosper too.

    3. Turn inward to heal inner wounds.

    I wish I had done this right after we lost our family business, but I was too busy analyzing and strategizing, trying to make things work.

    I felt I had to shoulder all the responsibility and hold my family together, so my emotions remained in my body energetically for some time.

    One day, I wrote down what had happened from my perspective. I put all my feelings on paper and I didn’t hold back. In doing so, I helped myself embrace my emotions and begin the healing process.

    Be honest about how you feel. Dive in deep and fully acknowledge what happened.

    4. Stop pushing.

    I remember when my father had a stroke; even then, I was busy making phone calls from my office, dealing with our employees, and managing our store. I would have intense, nervous, frantic, fearful conversations with my mother.

    I would become angry and scream at her and my father. I was constantly pushing and in action mode. I couldn’t let go. That need to control and push became even stronger after we lost our business.

    I clung on tightly to relationships, money, people, and things, all from a place of insecurity and fear. I was afraid I would lose them.

    But when you let go, you make space for what is truly right for you. You learn to not tie your self-worth, happiness, or identity to external circumstances.

    5. Practice saying yes to your desires.

    I wanted to pour myself into my work. I also thought that struggling and living this way was the norm. I was used to suppressing my desires.

    If I wanted to relax, I didn’t allow myself. I drove myself crazy with ways to make things better for my family. But the truth was, if I couldn’t find inner peace, there was no way I could help my family.

    I learned that I had to be connected to myself in order to be more present for my loved ones. It started with embracing little things. If I wanted to have tea and read a book, I did just that. If I wanted a hot bath, I took a nice, long hot bath.

    I used to think that I couldn’t do these things if my external world wasn’t great.

    But surrendering to these seemingly tiny moments brought me solace when chaos ruled my external world.

    Don’t wait until you have everything figured out to be good to yourself. Be good to yourself and you’ll be better able to figure things out.

    6. Stop feeling guilty.

    During this challenging period, we all screamed our throats off and made each other feel guilty. It was a vicious circle.

    The only way I could make lasting changes and move on with my life was to stop feeling guilty.

    I focused on the present moment. In doing so, I was able to forgive my family and energize myself. It rubbed off on them because slowly but surely, I noticed my family started to remove themselves from this guilty frame of mind, as well.

    Even if you could have handled things better, let go of the guilt. You’re doing the best you can, and you’ll do better if you feel better.

    7. Stay solution-oriented.

    When things spiraled out of control, my family and I saw everything as a problem. We developed the attitude that whatever came our way would be difficult.

    We became afraid of waking up in the mornings, couldn’t sleep well at night, and couldn’t enjoy time with each other. In other words, we expected the worst. But this is no way to live.

    We had to shift to a solution-oriented frame of mind. So when things didn’t work out, I stopped dwelling in self-pity. I tried to look for solutions. If I couldn’t find one right away, I just let myself be.

    Trust that answers will come at the right time. It’s easier to cope with hard times when you trust that the Universe has your back.

    8. Turn to others for help.

    During this time, I confided in my best friend about how I was feeling. Last year, I decided to enroll in a transformation program and had a therapeutic life coaching session.

    These steps helped me support myself.

    Don’t bottle up your emotions. Talk to your loved ones, friends, and even consider working with a life coach or therapist. You don’t have to go through it alone.

    9. Foster a positive mindset.

    I had lots of thoughts about revenge, but these only caused me to feel bitter.

    I realized over time these thoughts weren’t going to do me any good. I had to shift out of them. They didn’t go away right away, but I accepted them without judging myself.

    Then, to shift into a more uplifting state of mind, I immersed myself in things I loved like writing, meditating, journaling, eating, and spending time with friends.

    Negative thoughts will come, but they will also go if you let them. Instead of judging yourself for having these thoughts, focus on what you can do to create a more positive state of mind.

    —

    If you’re going through a challenging time in your life, keep your heart open. This won’t last forever, and you will get through it!

    Depressed man image via Shutterstock

  • It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

    It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

    Sad Woman

    “Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” ~Leo F. Buscaglia

    In 2009 I traveled to Perth, Western Australia, to further my education. Little did I know how much my life would change.

    I befriended lots of people and met a tall, gorgeous man from South Asia. He was not the type of guy I normally dated, but I fell for him anyway.

    It was our happy fun time in 2010. Then, in early 2011, I sensed a change.

    It’s funny when you’re in a relationship with someone; you can feel when something just isn’t right. 

    I had that feeling.

    You see, ever since we became a couple, we could talk about anything without feeling judged or embarrassed. We were happy, so when suddenly he changed and became very private, it raised an alarm in me.

    It turned out he was having an affair—not just with one, but with two women at the same time. The pain, the hurt, the humiliation, and the numbness that came afterward were unbearable.

    I literally forced the truth out of him. I knew it would hurt, but I had to know his reasons. How could someone with a kind heart cheat on a person and create a new relationship based on a lie? Questions bounced around in my head for months.

    Eventually I forgave him, and so did the others. But unfortunately for me, I let myself stay in this drama.

    I latched myself to him—and lost myself—while feeling confused by his conflicted feelings toward me, between “I want you” and “I don’t.” (more…)

  • How Fear Melts Away When We Stop Resisting the Present

    How Fear Melts Away When We Stop Resisting the Present

    Fearful Man

    “Whatever the present moment contains, embrace it as if you had chosen it yourself.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    The second hand on the clock ticked to 12 like a base runner returning home. It was 9:00AM on Monday morning.

    Anxiety set in as I stared at the stack of papers on my desk. Budgets needed to be balanced, new clients needed to be obtained, and advertising campaigns needed to be launched for high-profile brands.

    Everybody needed something. It was my first day as an Advertising Executive and I already knew I was in trouble.

    In a few hours I was scheduled to meet with my first client, a Fortune 500 retail brand.

    I was not new to the advertising world, but I was stepping into a major promotion, and this was the first global account I would be directing alone.

    I was terrified. I arrived early for the meeting and waited nervously in the conference room. It was clear during the meeting that this corporation had high expectations and a low tolerance for mistakes.

    I played it cool, but the heat was on. Inside I felt resistance. “I used to be an artist. Now I’m a business executive?” I thought. “How did I get myself into this?”

    I wanted to run away, but I had nowhere to go. The only way to release my fear, I finally realized, was to change my focus. “Stick with it,” I kept telling myself, even when frustration weighed on me like a ton of bricks. “Stick with it.”

    Human beings have evolved a physiological reaction to avoid danger by any means necessary. This impulse compels us to destroy any threat we face; and if the threat is too big to destroy, we opt for plan B. We run.

    This is known as the fight or flight response, a survival mechanism built into our DNA to ensure we don’t get eaten by tigers or beheaded by cranky neighbors.

    In prehistoric times, this response was valuable for our survival. Fast forward to the 21st Century. Today, in many ways, our cultural dynamics have evolved beyond our biological instincts.

    For example, we no longer face the same daily threats we did in paleo, or even feudal, times. But our egos still react to external conflict, however insignificant, with a fight or flight response, causing us to perceive threats that do not exist. We run away, in many cases, from shadows.

    When facing a legitimate threat, the fight or flight instinct is very helpful. But when no legitimate threat is present, the fight or flight response can create fear and anxiety in situations that don’t require either.

    People (myself included) will often sit down on their couch at home and, in spite of the fact that they are perfectly safe, experience feelings of intense worry and anxiety. This anxiety has the tendency to manifest as either fight or flight. It’s in our biological code.

    If we choose fight, we become abusive to ourselves and those around us. If we choose flight, we become absent and disconnected.

    Why do we tend to feel worry and anxiety, even when we are safe? Because we are allowing our emotions to react to a false narrative. The struggle for survival experienced by our ancestors is embedded into our collective unconscious.

    In modern civilization, this narrative expresses itself as resistance to, among other things, the peace of the present moment. Our worry causes us to over-complicate life.

    “Only fools are happy,” our ego says. “I know something is bound to go wrong. And when it does, I’ll be ready.” We resist the present moment. And whenever we resist, we struggle.

    What you resist, persists. But embracing your struggle is the end of fear.

    Running from your environment is like running from a mirror because you don’t like the unhappy face in the reflection. You can run to a different mirror (and another, and another) but you will continue to see the same unhappy reflection until you stop running and start smiling.

    Your environment will not change until you change first.

    It’s normal to feel stuck, but the more you resist the present moment and try to escape, the more stuck you will feel.

    Instead of running, use each moment, especially the bad ones, to practice being fully present. Living in the moment is a habit. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

    As you continue to live in the present moment, peace and happiness become effortless. Acceptance of the present moment is the end of fear and anxiety.

    It seemed like an eternity, but only an hour had passed. I looked at the clock. 10:00AM. It was still Monday, my first on the job, and I already wanted out.

    I felt threatened and my fight or flight response kicked in. I wanted to run. But I didn’t. Instead, I took a deep breath, walked to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, walked back to my desk, and took another deep breath. Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale.

    I dove in and embraced my job with abandon, releasing my ego and accepting the present moment. When things went smoothly, I trusted the flow. When things fell apart, I trusted the flow. When I made mistakes (and I made several), I trusted the flow to find a solution.

    I gave my best effort, and released attachment to results.

    Everything changed. Not only did I stop feeling insecure about my job, but I was soon promoted to a leadership role within the company. Were things perfect? No. But changing my perception caused a ripple effect that changed my thoughts and actions, and my environment changed as a result.

    The culture of my agency didn’t change overnight, but as I chipped away at the resistance within myself, the challenges I faced in my environment disappeared in equal proportion.

    We all face fear. This fear triggers our fight or flight response and causes us to struggle and resist the present moment. What if you tried, instead of running from fear, sticking with it?

    Letting go of resistance, especially when you want to resist the most, puts you in a state of flow, and from a state of flow we tune into a wider perspective and access higher levels of creativity, happiness, and peace.

    The moments in your life flow like a stream. By accepting the flow of the moment as it is, this stream will inevitably guide you to the rivers and oceans of your purpose. And one day you will look back with gratitude on the challenges that elevated your environment to align with your intentions.

    Fearful man image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Things to Remember When You’re Struggling and Feel Stuck

    10 Things to Remember When You’re Struggling and Feel Stuck

    Sad Woman

    “There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” ~Buddha

    I have always been ambitious, hardworking, dedicated, and driven, but I have also made some serious mistakes in my life.

    I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do early on in my career, so I pursued several options in college. By the time I was finished with graduate school I had five Master’s degrees, but still wasn’t sure which career path to take.

    I decided to get a job in accounting since that career paid well. I didn’t like it, but I could see myself doing well if I worked hard at it. I became focused. I wanted to reach the top. My ambition was to become CFO of our firm. Life was good; my career was heading in the right direction.

    I woke every morning and rushed to work, but as time went by I started becoming unhappy and frustrated.

    I got promoted every six months, but the more I moved up the corporate ladder, the worse I felt. I had everything going for me but something was missing.

    I started going to the mall to look around and occasionally bought myself a few pairs of shoes. Shoe shopping seemed to make me happy. It took my mind off the things that were bothering me.

    Soon this became my daily routine. I would buy shoes during lunch, and before I knew it I had nowhere to store them in my apartment. I didn’t wear 99% of them, but they made me happier than anything else in my life at the time.

    When I got back to the office many of my co-workers would make comments, so I started hiding my purchases. I had shoes in every drawer in my office.

    I refused to look at my credit card statements each month. I did automatic payments and would pay more than the minimum, so I didn’t care to see it. I just didn’t want to know.

    My landlord came to do some repairs at my apartment, and when he saw the shoes packed to the ceiling, he let out a gasp. “How many feet do you have?” he shouted. I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t speak. I felt violated and embarrassed, and I became defensive.

    After he left I thought about what he said, but I felt so depressed that I went shopping for more shoes. Even though I was angry with him, I started feeling like I needed to do something about my shopping habit.

    I didn’t believe anyone could be addicted to shopping. Addicts were people who drank, took drugs, and do those kinds of things. I was just buying a lot of shoes because they were all on sale. But the more shoes I bought, the guiltier I felt, and the worse I felt, the more shoes I needed to feel better.

    Shortly thereafter I lost my job. The company moved overseas and my world fell apart. How was I going to afford to buy my shoes, and what about my career? I stayed home and cried for several days. I bought shoes, became depressed, and then bought more shoes to combat the depression.

    I had no money and the bills were piling up. I didn’t even want to go out to find another job. I knew then I needed help. I got up one morning and decided I was going to do some soul searching and spring cleaning.

    I took out the shoes I felt I couldn’t live without, and those I could live without with a little bit of arm-twisting, I put aside to donate. I called my landlord and asked him to help me pack up all the shoes to ship to the Good Will Store. I felt like a part of me had died.

    I needed to find out the root cause of my problem, and I had to look myself in the mirror and admit that I was a shopping addict.  

    It took thirty thousand dollars in credit card debt and almost one thousand pairs of shoes to jolt me back to reality. I eventually paid off all my debts, and though I still buy a few pairs of shoes now and then, I know I will not go back to where I was.

    Now, when I feel the urge to shop to deal with stress, I find less expensive, less addictive things to do instead.

    I also took the time to find myself so my life wouldn’t feel so lacking. I realized that I wanted to help people, so I have been working with young women, and I am so much happier and fulfilled.

    If you are struggling with an addiction of any kind, please seek professional help and do not hide away. Speak to those you love, trust, and respect. They will help you to find your way.

    Here are a few other ideas that can help you when you are struggling:

    1. The problem is a symptom of something else.

    When you find yourself doing things you normally wouldn’t do, there is likely an underlying problem that you need to deal with. You must be prepared to acknowledge and deal with this underlying issue in order to get your life back on track.

    2. You are never alone.

    It doesn’t matter what the situation is. You must remember that there are many others out there who have been through what you are currently facing.

    3. You can overcome.

    Remind yourself that we all have challenges, and if you don’t give up you can overcome them and be a better, stronger person as a result.

    4. People genuinely care about you.

    Sometimes people will appear to be judgmental, but most are genuinely concerned about you and want to see you do well. Having those you love and trust around will help you heal faster.

    5. You are good enough.

    When you’re struggling, it’s easy to believe that you are not worthy. Your self-esteem and confidence will be tested more than any other time in your life. You need to believe in yourself and know that this struggle does not define you.

    6. You are going to make mistakes.

    No one is perfect, and that includes you. You will continue to make mistakes, but you are not your mistakes. Focus on the lesson and how you can apply this wisdom going forward.

    7. No time is ever the perfect time.

    You will not be able to make changes in your life if you do not make time. You have to make it the right time by taking the first step.

    8. It never helps to shift blame.

    It always seems to make us feel better if we blame others for our problems. Unfortunately, it is up to you and me to make our lives the way we want them to be. Your life is yours to live, and you are responsible for your happiness and success.

    9. You must believe you can.

    Once you have decided that you can, there are no forces in this world that can stop you. Every one of us has it within us to be happy, but few of us realize that it is up to us to make it happen.

    10. You are stronger than you think.

    We can never know our true strength until we allow ourselves to be tested. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Think about where you are now and some of the things you have overcome. It took lot of strength for you to get where you are.

    We all have obstacles in our lives and we’ll have them as long as we live. Do not allow addiction, illness, disappointment, mistakes, or failures to prevent you from living your best life.

    Sad woman image via Shutterstock

  • When Your Struggle Has Become Your Identity: How to Rediscover Yourself

    When Your Struggle Has Become Your Identity: How to Rediscover Yourself

    Lonely Girl

    “It ain’t what they call you. It’s what you answer to.” ~W.C. Fields

    For much of my life, I have struggled against the after effects of unresolved childhood trauma.

    For years, I didn’t even know how much of an issue it was. I thought it was completely normal to expect the worst or avoid intimacy like the plague.

    When I finally dragged myself into a therapist’s office and was diagnosed with “significant, complex trauma,” I initially felt free.

    And I admit, it was freeing. I now knew that this “thing” that I had been dealing with my entire life wasn’t just the result of me being “broken” or “born that way,” but it was a significant, understandable, and more importantly treatable response to a less than ideal childhood.

    I was flying high for a while as I attempted to recover with every type of self-help trick out there.

    But then came the fog. Somewhere in the mix I began to break down as I realized the true impact of what my therapist had told me. My entire identity up until that point in my life had been formed around that trauma. I didn’t know who I was without it.

    What did I like to do in my free time? What did I like eating? What was my favorite color, even? Was I funny, or was I more serious? As it turned out I had a lot to learn about myself, and I was going to have to start from scratch.

    I wish I could speak to you from atop a mountain of wisdom, but I can’t. I’m still in the process of figuring it all out. But there are a few things that have helped me remain strong and encouraged through the entire process.

    Release the struggle.

    This is, of course, easier said than done, but it is one of the most important parts of making peace with your past and untangling the trauma.

    The identity and narrative that was forced upon me was one of defeat and self-hate. I stuck to the narrative because that’s all I knew. I might as well have been introducing myself as “the girl whose parents don’t love her,” and “the girl who has failed to secure any meaningful, intimate relationships.”

    Realize, as I did, that the narrative is not yours. It is not your name. It is not what you have to answer to. There’s more to you. So much more. How are you going to start introducing yourself?

    Start from a place you know.

    For many of us—myself included—the onset of trauma was at a very early age, and it can be scary to try and delve into that. But “starting from a place you know” doesn’t necessarily mean the beginning of your life. It simply means picking a place to make your beginning.

    It could be the first time you remember laughing out loud or any positive memory that you have. What were you doing then? How did you feel? Who were you with? What could that experience be saying about you? This can be a great first step on your journey to discovery.

    Start from a place you don’t know.

    Seems like contradictory advice after the last point, right? But in a way, not knowing who you are can give rise to the most unexpected blessings.

    Many people have either defined themselves—or been defined by others—from day one. Some people live their entire lives this way, without ever feeling the desire or a reason to change. But you? You’re a blank canvas now, in a world full of paint. This is your chance to start creating a version of you that feels right.

    Remember what you have gained.

    As we begin this process of self-discovery, it can be very easy to get hung up on how wrong everything is, or was. Despite making significant gains (and if you’re reading this post, you probably already have!), you might find yourself focusing on what is still wrong.

    Take some time out of your day to remember how far you’ve come. Are you less anxious today than you were yesterday? Score! Did you discover a new interest but haven’t worked up the courage to try it yet? That’s still progress. The scoreboard is on your side, because we are counting wins, not losses in this game.

    Have patience.

    Patience, I admit, is pretty much a foreign language to me. I can’t pretend to be great at having it, but I will say, as hard as it is to have, it is absolutely necessary in this process.

    Discovering your new identity will take time. I’m talking months, even years. It can (and will!) seem like a wild goose chase at times, but the key is to remain patient and trust in the good work you are doing. Your efforts will be recognized.

    Take a break.

    As much as I have made my mental health a priority over the past year, it can be exhausting to feel like you have a huge problem you must fix looming over your shoulders at all times. This can lead to obsessive thoughts and dissatisfaction with your progress.

    It is important to stay focused on healing, but it is also important to get out of your own head sometimes. Throw yourself into work for a while. Get involved in an intense project to take your mind off yourself. These things help too, and keeping yourself productive is never a bad thing.

    Above all, the most important thing to keep in mind—and the thing that I keep learning every day—is that our greatest revelations don’t exactly show up in a nice, well-wrapped gift box. That would be great, right? But fortunately for us, they reveal themselves slowly, carefully, and right on time.

    As long as we stay the course, we’ll be able to see the new truths and lessons waiting for us further down the road.

    I wish you luck in your journey! Keep the faith.

  • You Have the Strength and Wisdom to Thrive Through Hard Times

    You Have the Strength and Wisdom to Thrive Through Hard Times

    Strong Woman

    “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” ~Abraham Lincoln

    Nothing can ever really prepare you for a cancer diagnosis, but it can quickly turn your life into an unplanned story.

    Diagnosed at the age of twenty-eight with ocular melanoma, I was treated with surgery and proton beam therapy, and gratefully continued on with my life (though certainly a changed person).

    But every year I went for a MRI of my liver/abdomen because if ocular melanoma spreads, it most likely goes to the liver. And every year when I got a clean bill of health, I felt grateful.

    I didn’t live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, though there had been other challenges along the way—being hit by a car and having shoulder surgery, struggling with infertility for years, and finally becoming pregnant only to have a miscarriage.

    For each of these challenging situations, I would cry and experience the heartbreak, but then ultimately dust myself off and get back into being an active participant in my own life.

    On August 27th 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage IV liver melanoma. After a misdiagnosis at one hospital I had switched care, and essentially spent almost two months in limbo about the state of my health.

    Now, being treated at one of the best facilities in the world and going through two rounds of treatment in the past year for an incurable cancer, I have quickly learned a thing or two about life, and how I want to live it.

    My hope is that by sharing how I approach a life-changing situation, it may empower you to think about your own health and happiness.

    Follow your heart and your gut.

    When you face a cancer diagnosis—or any life-altering crisis—it can seem like your internal GPS is off-kilter, or sometimes even broken altogether.

    What I’ve learned is to throw that map out the window: forget about where you think you’re “supposed” to go and listen to your heart (and your gut).

    You have the answers inside of yourself; you just need to find a quiet place where you can sit with your thoughts and breathe, gently blocking out the commotion of the outside world.

    Meditation can greatly help with this. All the direction that you really need is already within you, it’s just a matter of tuning into it and really paying attention. When you listen to your heart, you can never really be lost.

    Advocate for yourself.

    Listening to your gut comes especially in handy when dealing with a medical diagnosis or some other kind of life quandary. It’s important to gather all of the information, bring somebody with you, and get second and even third opinions.

    The first hospital that found lesions on my liver through a MRI dragged out the process of having it biopsied, telling me along the way that if it came back as cancer it would be Stage IV and “very hard to treat.” I was given few treatment options and even less information, which all led to a very scary few weeks.

    When the biopsy results finally came back, they were negative, but my gut was telling me that it would be still be smart to find out what these lesions could be. So, despite the fact that both my oncologist and my primary care doctor at the time said that I didn’t need to see a liver specialist, I decided to see one anyway.

    It’s because I advocated for myself and listened to my internal GPS that I was able to put together an amazing team and start treatment at a different hospital. My gut told me this was the place to be, and I’m glad that I listened.

    It is more than okay to want to be happy and healthy; it is your birthright. Gratitude swells for my doctors, who are amazing, and we need these medical professionals greatly to heal. However, it is still so incredibly important to get multiple opinions, ask questions, and speak up if something doesn’t feel right.

    Your health is in your hands, and nobody else’s. You’re not being difficult, you’re being smart.

    Make friends with your inner ally.

    I’ve also learned to listen to my gut much more when it comes to what is best for me. In the past I felt sucked in by what I thought I “should” be doing. A people-pleaser by nature, it was often very difficult for me to say “no” to things that I didn’t really want to be doing (and truth be told, it still can be).

    It took a cancer diagnosis for me to admit that what my life coach calls my “inner ally” had been right all along: it is more than okay to often times say “no,” create boundaries, and take better care of myself by reducing as much stress in my life as possible.

    Though there are still plenty of times when I have to do things that I don’t want to do, just like everybody, or I give of myself because I want to (and because there are so many in my life who deserve that), being “selfish” sometimes just feels like putting my health as a priority, and my gut (and heart) is a lot happier for it.

    I’ve also learned that, most of the time, people get over your “no” a lot faster than you would suspect, and you wind up feeling grateful that, instead of doing something that you didn’t really want to be doing, you took that time and devoted it to yourself.

    Tapping into your “inner ally” can be a powerful way to figure out what will truly make you happy and healthy.

    Pay attention to the dark days.

    There will be some, especially if you are being told that you’re facing a challenge like cancer.

    There are some days when I feel so angry and resentful of those around me who don’t have to worry about the things that those with cancer do: dying at a young age, leaving a spouse, and perhaps never being able to have children.

    These are real fears for me, and if I ignored them, I wouldn’t be giving myself permission to grieve for the life that I had before I was diagnosed.

    I try to allow myself to cry or feel angry when I need to, which then enables me to be able to move forward with my life with more authenticity.

    My positive outlook on life and on the situation is because I listen to what that inner voice is telling me, which is not to ignore the pain. It’s through the processing of this anguish that I can then recharge my batteries and gather the strength to do what needs to be done: continue on with my KBCP (Kick-Butt Cancer Plan).

    Tap into whatever is going on for you, and while it can be scary, you may actually feel lighter afterward.

    Journal, meditate, cry, get in touch with that anger in a way that feels like afterward, you can then release it and move forward. But don’t go it alone; see a therapist or lean on anybody in your life who you feel truly understands you, and will listen.

    Believe in yourself.

    When I was about sixteen years old I was diagnosed with a learning disability.

    I was attending a private school, and my parents were told by my math teacher at the time that I would never be able to pass her class, and therefore would never graduate from high school. So did I want to try and re-take the class with a different teacher, or did I want to transfer to the public high school and take an easier math class?

    I couldn’t stand the thought of somebody telling me that I couldn’t do something. So, when doctors insinuate that people with melanoma may not live past a certain age, I take it with a grain of salt and listen to my own inner strength, which tells me that they don’t really know what I’m capable of.

    And that math class? I re-took it, got a B, and not only graduated from high school, but from college and graduate school as well.

    —

    Finding quiet times to tap into what direction my gut is guiding me toward has served me well, and what I love the most about my internal GPS is that it’s mine. Wherever I go, whatever happens, nobody can take that away from me.

    It is because of these life experiences that I now know that deep down inside of myself I have the strength and the wisdom to thrive. And you do too.

    Strong woman on mountain image via Shutterstock

  • Keep Hope Alive: How To Help Someone Who’s Struggling

    Keep Hope Alive: How To Help Someone Who’s Struggling

    “He who has health has hope and he who has hope has everything.” ~Proverb

    I write this today seemingly healthy.

    My doctors say I’m healthy. I feel healthy. I look healthy. But over the last six months this was not the case.

    In April of this year I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma. I am thirty-five years old. I am a wife and a mother to a four-year-old and six-year-old. I have my own business. I am busy. I did not have time for cancer.

    But cancer had time for me.

    I’ll never forget the day that I got the call letting me know that not only did I have this “Melanoma,” but it had spread to my lymph nodes as well. More surgery and an immunotherapy called “interferon” would be necessary, and the rate of return even after treatment? Thirty percent.

    The first response inside of me was acceptance. I skipped past all the other emotions because, well, quite frankly, I had so long neglected the mole on my neck that I knew when the whole process started that cancer (and an advanced one at that) was likely.

    But I’m not here to talk about cancer today. I’m here to talk about hope. A hope that springs eternal in the name of community. A rallying around me of family, friends, and even strangers upon this diagnosis. A support system that boldly lifted me and my mindset through every step of the way.

    Dinners, childcare, cards, surprises on my doorstep, texts, calls, long-term visits—this community that I’m so very blessed with rallied in a big way, in a way I never, ever thought possible.

    Even in my darkest and sickest of hours there was always something to be hopeful for because the love that came at me was indescribable.

    It was made of sterner stuff.

    It gave me hope because every time I even remotely started feeling bad, the community would take hold and lift me up in ways that were exactly what I needed right in the moment that I needed it.

    My phone would buzz: “Thinking of you today. Hoping you’re okay. Sending love your way.”

    My email would ding: “You’re amazing through this. Truly.”

    Visitors would stop by: “Let yourself be loved. Let yourself be cared for.”

    This whole cancer thing has taught me, once again, in the beauty of humanity. It has shown me that, even in our darkest hours, others can (and will) lift our spirits. When we are faced with our hardest struggles, it is then that we see the beauty in all that surrounds us.

    Cancer is a bringer of all emotions. It is an un-hinger of all truths and perceptions. Things that once were important are no longer relevant. There is suddenly more beauty in the everyday.

    This I learned not only because I was sick, but because my family, my friends, and perfect strangers showed me how to someday support someone in the same way they supported me.

    So I offer you this: a list of ways to show your support when someone is having a hard time or is going through an illness.

    Make a meal even when they say they don’t need it.

    This was lifesaving for me! Drop it on the doorstep and tell them to freeze it.

    Send texts.

    Little joy buzzes, I like to now call them, sweet messages offering support, jokes, and updates from the outside world.

    Leave a message.

    Hearing the voices of my friends and family as I drifted in and out of consciousness (the treatment I had to endure was five days a week for four weeks, and it was tough) was the most uplifting.

    Drop off trinkets.

    There were times when I was well enough to go outside and sit for a bit in the summer sun. Often, I would find little gifts at my doorstep. I see these now in my office, in my home, in my bedroom, and they make me smile thinking of those who dropped them by.

    Don’t give up quickly.

    Whatever support you would like to offer, know that there may be some “Oh, we couldn’t possibly” or “That’s okay—we’re okay.” People often say this when they could really use the support, so it helps to offer more than once and be clear that you really want to be there for them.

    Help delegate tasks.

    Create a rotating schedule for bringing meals, giving rides, and offering help.

    Admit that it stinks—empathize and then uplift.

    Something from the emotional perspective that I learned during my cancer diagnosis and treatment was that when I told someone about it, they often didn’t know what to say. There was always a silence and then a pause. A loss for words.

    We naturally want to make things “better” and keep it upbeat, which can go a long way in lifting someone’s spirit. That being said, the very first thing I loved hearing from family and friends before the upbeat was “Wow. This sucks.”

    Those words allowed me to connect emotionally with my supporters. Even if they had never had cancer or had never gone through something like this before, the fact that the words were out there anchored me into a place where I could then build up with hope.

    The best response I heard from a friend was this: “This sucks. I don’t like it. It’s going to be hard, but we will get through it and you’re not alone.” So, when in doubt empathize and then offer support.

    Stay long-term if you can.

    If you are able, try and be with your loved ones during the most difficult times. Stay for two days, a week, whatever works. This reprieve is huge.

    Ask yourself: What would I want?

    And then do that very thing.

    Community support can provide a lot of hope, and as the quote says: “He who has hope has everything.”

    As I ride the wave of newfound health, I know deep down that I have a net of support that. If the cancer returns, I’ll still have a battalion of loved ones behind me and they’ll help me keep hope alive.

  • How to Get Life to Finally Start Going Your Way

    How to Get Life to Finally Start Going Your Way

    Excited Man

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Have you ever had a big financial expense knock you down?

    I had one of those situations hit me many years ago. I had just gone through a tough breakup, was experiencing regrets about my career choice, and was also struggling to get on my feet financially.

    I was feeling beat down and decided to try to lift myself up by getting my finances in better shape. I was able to cut some expenses and, over the next few months, was able to tuck away some extra money in a savings account.

    I was starting to feel a little giddy about my newfound ability to save.

    Then, my car broke down.

    No! I can’t afford a major expense right now. Why can’t I catch a break?

    I stood up on shaky legs, and that mean old universe kicked me right back down again, like I belonged there or something.

    I started evaluating my options.

    Could I fix my car myself? No.

    Did I have a friend or family member that could help me fix it? No.

    Could I leave the car broken? Yes, but this was not a great option given the distance I lived from work.

    It looked like my best option was to pay a repair shop to fix it for me. I was sad and disappointed, as I saw my savings account balance plummet back down to almost nothing after paying for the repair.

    I was struggling to get enthusiastic about continuing with my savings plan after the setback. Why bother?

    Then, I happened to see a reference to a quote attributed to Albert Einstein, “The most important decision we make is whether we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”

    The universe sure seemed hostile to me at the time. The quote sparked my curiosity. Can we really make a decision about what type of universe we live in?

    What if the universe wasn’t being mean but was being friendly?

    I decided to test out this new way of thinking.

    Instead of acting like everything was happening to hurt me, I shifted my attitude. What if this situation was happening for my benefit?

    I started digging around in my mind, looking for any thoughts about what could be of benefit to me in the situation.

    I was grateful that my car was working again and that I could travel to my job. I was grateful for the job, which was allowing me to pay for my living expenses. I was grateful that I had developed the ability to save.

    I didn’t have to let this one financial setback define my future.

    All of these new thoughts helped me go from thinking that the situation was unfair to something more empowering.

    I now knew, without a doubt, from experience, that it was a good idea to save for a rainy day. This created a burning desire in me to keep saving for future unexpected expenses.

    I resolved to overcome the situation with my depleted savings and try again.

    I started all over with my savings plan. This time was a little different because I also stopped entertaining tempting thoughts about spending my emergency savings on something unnecessary like a wild shopping spree or an expensive trip.

    Looking back, I notice how my view of the situation changed even though the situation itself didn’t change. No one arrived on the scene to rescue me. I still needed to drain my savings account to pay for the car repair.

    What changed was my attitude about the situation.

    Thinking about the universe being friendly helped me stop beating myself up and start treating myself like a friend with my thoughts.       

    The next time you feel like things are happening against you in your life, try the following:

    1. Make friends with the situation.

    My initial negative thoughts about my car repair situation were only serving to cause me to suffer.

    Shifting my attitude and searching for more positive thoughts changed the meaning of the situation.

    Instead of feeling stuck and hopeless, I started seeing opportunities to improve my situation that were within my control. This allowed me to become more optimistic about the permanence of the current situation and also about my future.

    2. Explore gratitude.

    Is there anything about the experience that you can be grateful for?

    Exploring gratitude made me more aware of the things that were beneficial in my life that I was taking for granted. Appreciating what I had in my life helped me to feel more positive about my circumstances.

    3. Look for the lesson.

    When difficult things happen, look for the lesson you are learning and how you might be growing from the experience.

    It has been many years since my experience with my car and savings account, and I realize now that I may have needed that little kick from the universe to help me grow and learn about the benefits of having funds set aside for emergencies.

    One of the best lessons to learn is that it is possible to choose your attitude and shift your thoughts to a more positive track.

    While it may not always be easy, if you treat the universe like it is your friend, you may just find that the universe mirrors your friendship right back to you.

    Happy man image via Shutterstock