Tiny Buddha

Tag: stressed

  • 6 Simple Things I Do When Life Feels Completely Overwhelming

    6 Simple Things I Do When Life Feels Completely Overwhelming

    “You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying. What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.” ~Timber Hawkeye

    Overwhelm doesn’t always knock politely. Sometimes it crashes into my day like an unexpected storm—suddenly I can’t think straight, and everything feels urgent, impossible, and too loud. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m spiraling in my head, convinced I’m falling behind on everything and failing everyone.

    If you’ve ever sat frozen in your car in the grocery store parking lot, staring blankly at a to-do list that now feels like a personal attack, you’re not alone.

    Here are six things I turn to when I feel completely overwhelmed—none of them fix everything, but they all help me find my footing again.

    1. I stop trying to “figure it all out” right now.

    When I’m overwhelmed, my brain turns into a malfunctioning computer with eighty-seven tabs open and nothing loading. I immediately try to solve everything at once, like I can outthink the chaos if I just try hard enough.

    But thinking harder doesn’t fix it. It just fries my system.

    I’ve learned to pause and remind myself: I don’t need to fix my whole life in this exact moment. When I feel myself spiraling into “fix all the things” mode (shoutout to ADHD), I write down whatever I’m trying to remember or control. That way I’m not ignoring it—I’m just parking it somewhere so I can get through the thing I actually need to do right now.

    2. I pick one tiny thing I can do.

    Sometimes I stare at the mountain and forget I can just take one step. My brain immediately goes into “do it all right now or you’re failing” mode. And that’s when I end up doing absolutely nothing except overthinking and hating myself for not being productive.

    So I stop and ask: What’s the next five-minute task I can do without using my last brain cell?

    Not the whole kitchen—just get the dishes out of the sink. Not the whole inbox—just respond to the one email that’s been haunting me for days. One drawer. One phone call. One bill.

    It doesn’t feel glamorous, but it’s how I trick my brain into motion. Because five minutes of action beats two hours of beating myself up for not doing anything. Tiny progress is still progress. And sometimes, it’s the only kind that’s available.

    3. I ground myself in something sensory.

    When anxiety hits, it’s like my brain hijacks my whole body. Suddenly, I’m not just stressed and overwhelmed. No amount of logic works in that moment because my nervous system doesn’t care that everything’s technically fine.

    So instead of trying to think my way out of it (which never works), I shift focus to anything physical. I take a cool shower, drink a cold glass of water, light a candle, or put on my favorite scented lotion. I’ve held ice cubes before just to shock my brain back into my body.

    Sometimes I just sit with my cat and focus on the feel of his fur under my hand, like, “Okay, this is real. This is here. I’m not being chased by a bear.”

    Sensory grounding actually helps. It’s not deep or profound, but it’s basic anxiety relief. And honestly, that’s the vibe I’m going for when I’m spiraling: survive first, analyze later.

    4. I do a ten-minute reset (phone-free).

    I set a timer and do something quiet and simple—no phone, no news, no notifications. Just ten minutes without input. That alone feels like a luxury.

    I sit outside and zone out to whatever the wind is doing. Or I color like a bored kindergartener. Sometimes I wash the dishes really slowly, like I’m doing a meditative art form instead of basic hygiene. And occasionally, I just lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling like I’m rebooting my entire existence.

    It’s not about being productive or using the time well. It’s about giving my brain a break from having to be on all the time. Ten minutes of stillness doesn’t fix everything, but it gives me just enough space to breathe again—and sometimes, that’s all I need to keep going.

    5. I check my self-talk for cruelty.

    Overwhelm brings out the absolute worst inner dialogue. My brain turns into a mean girl with a megaphone. She says things like:

    “Why can’t you handle this?”

    “You’re behind—again.”

    “Everyone else is doing just fine. What’s your excuse?”

    It’s not helpful. It’s just self-bullying, dressed up as motivation.

    When I catch that voice spiraling, I try to pause and respond the way I would if a friend came to me in the same state—exhausted, anxious, and trying their best. I’d never say, “Wow, you’re really bad at life.” I’d say something like:

    You’re not failing. You’re overwhelmed. Let’s figure out what would actually help right now.

    That shift—from shame to support, from blame to curiosity—changes everything. It doesn’t magically make the stress disappear, but it keeps me from mentally kicking myself while I’m already down. And honestly, that’s a win.

    6. I let it be a “low power mode” day.

    Phones go into low power mode when they’re drained—and so do I. And on those days, I stop expecting myself to function like I’m fully charged.

    I do the bare minimum. I eat something simple (whatever takes zero brain power and maybe comes in a wrapper). I wear the comfiest clothes I can find, even if they don’t match and have questionable stains. I don’t force motivation to show up or try to “push through.” I let it be enough that I exist and made it out of bed.

    And I stop treating rest like something I must earn. I don’t need to check off five tasks or prove I’m productive before I’m allowed to take a breath. Sometimes, the most responsible thing I can do is shut everything down and reboot.

    Because being human is hard. Being sensitive, overstimulated, exhausted, or just done is part of it. And it’s okay to have days when I’m not okay. I don’t have to explain or justify it. Low power mode is still functioning—it just means I’m protecting my energy until I have enough to show up fully again.

    Final Thoughts

    Overwhelm doesn’t mean I’m broken. It usually means I’ve been running on empty for too long while trying to hold everything together without enough rest, support, or room to fall apart safely. It’s not weakness. It’s a warning light.

    These six things don’t magically fix the mess. They’re not a makeover or a glow-up. They’re a ladder. A gentle, scrappy, wobbly little ladder I’ve built over time that helps me climb out of the mental spiral one small rung at a time.

    If you’re feeling buried right now—under expectations, emotions, responsibilities, or just life in general—I hope something in this list reminds you:

    You don’t have to do it all. You don’t have to be productive to be worthy. You don’t have to perform your pain or prove how hard things are.

    You just have to come back to yourself. One breath. One step. One tiny act of care at a time.

    You’ve got this. And even if today, this just means brushing your teeth, replying to one text, or microwaving some sad leftovers—that still counts.

    You still count.

  • It’s Okay to Feel Overwhelmed

    It’s Okay to Feel Overwhelmed

  • How Your Worst Days Can Shape Your Best Self

    How Your Worst Days Can Shape Your Best Self

    “It is often those moments you feel least connected that you are actually making your greatest progress. The chaos around you is an invitation to pause, reflect, and grow. You are more than equipped to deal with this. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here.” ~Benjamin P Hardy

    It’s 1 a.m., and the silence is broken by a cough that can only be described as sounding like someone who has smoked two packs daily for the last thirty years. There’s no way to predict when I’ll be woken again, but if the past week is any indication, this won’t be the last.

    Unbeknownst to me, I’ve been dropped into the notoriously rigorous training program known as “Hell Week” that Navy SEAL candidates must endure. It’s a gruelling, continuous training exercise lasting several days with little to no sleep, intense physical challenges, and mental stress. Hell Week aims to test candidates’ physical and mental resilience and their ability to work effectively as a team under extreme conditions.

    Here’s the problem: My hell is a twenty-month-old with a nasty cough that she can’t shake. She’s obviously not torturing us on purpose, but it doesn’t make the experience any less exhausting.

    When I finally fall back asleep and am once again awakened by a foghorn for the sixth night in a row, the tears start welling up in my eyes, as I have no idea how the hell I’m going to make it through another day of calls and projects that are relying on me.

    Bipolar and sleep deprivation go together as well as a clown juggling chainsaws in a hurricane—a disaster waiting to happen, with a side of chaos and potential accidental amputations.

    So, if I’m going to be perfectly honest, and to borrow another military term, the team is experiencing a clusterf*ckunder these extreme conditions.

    How else would you describe the frustration and disorder that arises when things do not go according to plan?

    Our team is hanging on by a thread. The fights between my wife and I are wearing us down, the outbursts of anger are cringe-worthy, and the feeling that this will never end is causing enough friction to leave our skin raw.

    These are the moments when I catch myself being a victim of my life.

    Then I realize my expectations are out of whack. Things won’t always go smoothly, and sometimes I need to accept that I can’t do everything I’d like to accomplish, or do anything as well as I can when I’m at my best.

    These are not the moments to thrive.

    These are the moments to survive.

    It’s a reminder that life rarely goes according to plan.

    And that’s the whole point of Hell Week.

    Anyone can crush it on a good day, but how do you handle the inevitable hell you will face as a parent, someone who gets crippled by their mental health, or experiencing any number of painful challenges we all face?

    That question has improved my mental health, business success, and life quality more than anything else I’ve encountered in the last six years.

    Why?

    Because it changed my approach.

    Your choices on your toughest days shape your path more than those made on your brightest.

    When I struggled, I found that having an all-or-nothing approach rarely allowed me to progress on the essential things. Instead, it often felt like I was starting from scratch again. I would go off the deep end and find myself drowning in a negative thinking pattern, saying, “Of course I’m back here! Shit like this always happens when I’m making progress.”

    But as author James Clear said, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

    It taught me the importance of establishing a solid foundation and that sticking to a routine can provide stability and a sense of control (regardless of what’s happening around me).

    I am nothing without hydration, elevation, meditation, and contemplation.

    This can feel high-level when you’re starting out. Don’t overthink the “perfect” way to implement these power-ups.

    • I’ll crush another coffee 👉 I’ll drink a liter of water.
    • I’ll catch up on emails 👉 I’m taking the dog out for a walk and getting some sun.
    • I’ll get ahead on a few of my projects 👉 I’ll sit down and throw on a twenty-minute guided meditation.
    • I’ll watch a few lessons for a marketing course 👉 I’ll sit on the front porch and read something light and fun.

    These small trades can make a big difference to your physical and mental health when you’re struggling.

    It’s easy to feel overwhelmed in the world of self-growth and personal development. Especially when you’re shamed for not having a clear answer to questions like, “Wait, you don’t have a three-hour morning routine carved out to put yourself in a peak state of abundance?”

    I’m going to categorize that as a “nice to have.”

    It’s similar to my intention of cooking gourmet meals for my daughter every night, yet I often resort to buttered noodles and broccoli because they’re a crowd-pleaser.

    There’s substance, and I’m not adding to an already stressed-out day.

    Meaning she gets a better dad who is enjoyable to be around.

    Winning the day comes back to being far more intentional about what you can stick to on your day from hell than what you can accomplish on your dream day of sunshine, lollipops, and prepping Michelin star meals.

    In the midst of our personal Hell Weeks, it’s the small, intentional actions that become our lifeline. It’s not about mastering every challenge but about grounding ourselves in the routines and habits that offer solace and stability.

    So, when the nights seem endless and the challenges insurmountable, remember: your power lies in your tiny, consistent choices. Harness them and watch as they transform your toughest days into stepping stones toward a brighter tomorrow.

  • What You Need to Do If You Feel Overwhelmed

    What You Need to Do If You Feel Overwhelmed

    “You are worth the quiet moment, you are worth the deeper breath. You are worth the time it takes to slow down, be still, and rest.” ~ Morgan Harper Nichols

    I want to talk about overwhelm, which is something I suspect I’m not alone in dealing with, especially given our current global situation.

    Even before the pandemic struck, I was on the edge of overwhelm. I live with two autoimmune conditions—rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia—both of which cause me to have health issues when I’m stressed out.

    I started the year completely stressed out, thanks to a new health condition that reared its head: some irregular tissue was growing inside my duodenum, affecting my digestion. On my first visit to a specialist to try to remove it in February, it turned out to be far more extensive than expected, and I had to be rescheduled for a far more involved procedure.

    Then COVID hit, and I was deferred for a bit. To say that I was struggling is an understatement: we were isolating at home, my health was in jeopardy, and while we believed that the tissue wasn’t malignant yet, it was definitely the sort of tissue that was trying to become cancer.

    I found it difficult to do my usual tasks, and I was decidedly fatigued and somewhat short-tempered from adding all this additional stress and uncertainty into what was already a fraught situation.

    Not knowing what else to do, I fell back on some serious self-care practices. I’m not talking about face masks and bubble baths, though I did increase the number of baths I took using Epsom salts, since they soothed the aches and pains that came with my increased stress levels.

    I spent far less time than usual on social media, in order to avoid “doomscrolling”: that’s where you keep scrolling through social media to find the latest, most upsetting information on whatever catastrophes are occurring. To my husband’s consternation, it also meant that I stopped watching the nightly news with him; instead, I would read a book, or watch something light and happy on my laptop.

    I made sure to get outside every day as long as the weather permitted, in order to allow nature to do its thing and make me feel better. I set and met a goal to exercise at least five days a week for twenty minutes or more, and I made sure to drink a lot of water and not skip meals.

    I also returned to my meditation practice, which had lapsed in prior months, as it sometimes does, and established a bedtime routine to set me on a path to successful sleep

    Here are my takeaways from that time period.

    If you need time away from it all, take it.

    If you need to establish boundaries with those around you in order to protect yourself, your emotions, your mental health, and/or your energy, it’s fine for you to do so. You cannot pour from an empty cup, so it’s important to take care of yourself.

    Give yourself permission to step away from the noise of the world.

    Specifically, you have permission to:

    • Turn off the news, or reduce your intake
    • Reduce your time on social media if it stresses you out
    • Unfollow social media accounts that are too negative for you
    • Reduce your contact with negative individuals in your life by setting boundaries
    • Put yourself on time out if you need it
    • Take a mental health day
    • Say no to things you don’t want to do (even if you already said yes)

    It is 100% okay for you to take a break. It is okay for you to need time out, or time off. It is okay for you to prioritize your self-care.

    Prioritizing your mental health and your self-care are two of the best things you can do for yourself and the people around you, as I learned again this spring. With things the way they are in the world right now, many of us are shaken up and need to boost our physiological needs and shore up our feeling of security.

    While I’m not a psychologist, I am familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which is usually shown as a pyramid. At the base of the pyramid are basic human needs such as shelter, sleep, food, water, and exercise. The next tier, which is also pretty large, is safety and security, and it includes things like employment and health.

    The pandemic has rocked our worlds in ways that have shaken that pyramid. It’s hard to work on any of the higher-tier stuff, like romance, dreams, and plans, and spiritual matters, when the foundation of our personal pyramids need shoring up.

    That’s one of the reasons I returned to basic self-care for myself. Exercise, hydration, nutrition, and sleep were on my list. Those are all from the base level of the pyramid.

    Turning down the noise from the outside world, while remaining informed in small snippets, allowed me to remain connected to what was going on without spinning myself into a stress ball.

    Being on a more even keel allowed me to move through that time period without completely losing myself to stress and anxiety.

    And as for that adenoma? I was operated on the day before my birthday, and though it turned out to be a bigger procedure than anticipated, the biopsies came back clear. One less worry to move forward with.

  • What to Do When You’re Stressed, Distressed, or Overwhelmed

    What to Do When You’re Stressed, Distressed, or Overwhelmed

    “Picture a pattern of upright dominoes that have been positioned just far enough away from one other to highlight the gap between them, but just close enough to hit each other if one of them tips over. Hit a single domino and it sets off a chain reaction. Oftentimes, our own actions, reactions and counter-reactions, criticisms and defensive responses function like dominoes. When we’re not able to access our mindfulness, reactivity takes over.” ~Alicia Muñoz

    Before my husband and I were married, he lived in New Zealand and I lived in the States. One way we coped with the distance was by making cassette tapes for each other, which we would send via snail mail.

    Sometimes we shared news of the day, personal information, and future dreams. Occasionally, in the middle of the night, the messages were passionate and deeply private—as only 3 am messages in the grip of longing and limerence can be.

    One day, I had a client who was interested in the teachings of a meditation instructor with whom I was acquainted, so I offered to make her a tape of a session from the instructor’s workshop. I grabbed a blank tape from a nearby basket, used my recorder to dub one of the sessions, and passed the tape on to her.

    A few days later, she asked if she could come by my office for a moment. When she arrived, she was uncomfortable and flustered as she handed the tape back to me.

    “Uh, I—I don’t think you meant this for me,” she stammered. Then she abruptly left my office.

    My heart seized. I knew which tape it was before I even listened to it. It was a recording so steamy I hadn’t even sent it to Tim. Somehow, instead of getting thoroughly erased or tossed in the garbage, the tape had found its way into the blank-tape basket.

    I can’t find the words to describe my feelings. Crushing embarrassment surged through my body. When I made it home, I flung myself onto the couch and lay there for ten minutes, paralyzed with shock.

    “How could you have been so careless?” I berated myself. It felt like the end of my career. As my shame and self-castigation mounted, my ability to discern my options plummeted. I began to consider moving to another town.

    Suddenly I remembered a training session on stress management I’d recently attended. It had advocated pausing long enough to take a slow, deep breath whenever we feel overwhelmed and then doing something different.

    I forced my leaden legs to stand and set the goal of touching an oak tree in the backyard before heading back to the couch. With effort, I got up and walked outside. When I reached my goal and gently touched it, I noticed a heron perched in a nearby tree, eyeing my fishpond with sinister interest. I moved into action, scaring it away by yelling at it.

    By the time I returned to the couch, I was breathing normally. Although I was still embarrassed, the magnitude of my emotions had moved from a ten to a three. I’d begun to see I would not die of embarrassment, and my client would also recover from her shock. Pausing long enough to do something different stopped the chain reaction of the domino effect.

    This is the biology of what happened. We each have a nervous system that operates outside of our conscious awareness called the parasympathetic nervous system. It’s activated when we are at rest and not in distress.

    Essentially, in our normal conscious life the lights are on at the front of our brain, where the frontal lobe resides, and we make decisions that are reasonable, responsible, and rational. Our heart beats normally, and we generally eat when we are hungry and rest when we are tired.

    When we are distressed, as I was when my client returned the tape to me, our brain switches gears and mobilizes the sympathetic nervous system, which causes the “lights to go out” in the frontal lobe and the “lights to go on” in the back of our brain where the amygdala (the brain’s 9-1-1 center) resides. So we react from another center, the system that tells us we are in danger, are embarrassed, or are under some other kind of threat.

    Our heart beats faster, our blood circulation slows down, and our body reacts as though we are under attack—even if the attack is coming from our own thoughts, as it was for me. Some of us don’t eat, others eat more than they need, some people collapse into sleep, and others stay awake with tingling limbs and racing thoughts.

    None of that is fun for anyone. The good news is, it’s totally fixable if we can remember to take a moment to pause. Working with our breath and moving our body—touching a tree as I did, for example—reassures the body that the danger is gone, and the lights can come back on at the front of the brain.

    My story is a reminder of how important it is to manage our own internal reactions before we can respond to a situation in a healthy, productive, reasonable way. Taking a moment, a breath, or a stretch helps us rebalance in the face of distressing interactions; we can think wisely about what to do next rather than act from panic and reactivity. I call this skill the pause.

    Four Small Steps to Help You Pause and Rebalance

    1. Notice when your body is tense and stressed. Accept your reaction without judging it as wrong. Take a few deep breaths to slow yourself down. Tense and relax the muscles in your limbs.

    2. Do something to get back to your body. Go for a walk, run, or do some other kind of exercise. Touch a tree and scare away a heron, as I did. Take a shower, chew on an ice cube, or smell some lavender.

    3. Do something that quiets the mind. Listen to a soothing piece of music. Say a prayer, practice a mantra, or recite a poem.

    4. Notice again what is going on in your body. It will probably feel different now.

    You might have picked up on this already, but practicing the pause is inextricably intertwined with practicing mindfulness. Pausing involves observing your emotions and noticing your mind’s desire to react from its fear center, and it also involves redirecting the mind’s attention to more soothing, physical rituals like breathing and moving.

    At spiritual retreats, it’s a common practice to ring a bell at unexpected times throughout the day. People are asked to stop what they are doing for a moment when the bell rings—they must stop folding clothes, put down their forks, or take a break from their conversations—and turn inward. This develops the practice of becoming still enough to take a breath and check in with our wise and centered selves rather than giving in to our first reaction to what is going on in the outer world.

    —

    Adapted from the book Love Skills. Copyright ©2020 by Linda Carroll. Printed with permission from New World Library

  • The Skills You Need to Survive Stress When It Hits

    The Skills You Need to Survive Stress When It Hits

    “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ~William James

    Have you ever been in a situation where you felt your world was ending? When the stress was overwhelming and you were so miserable, all you wanted to do was wallow in it and growl at the world from underneath the bed covers?

    Or maybe you worry about things that might happen in the future. Do you see a minor accident on the road and have those flashes of imagining that your partner or your child died in a car crash?

    Does your imagination crawl in horror over how you might survive such a terrible event?

    Or maybe your cousin has had a stroke, and you wonder if it runs in the family and you’re next.

    Do you wonder how you would cope if that were the real situation? Do you think that you have the resources and strategies you need to get yourself through the crisis?

    My coping mechanisms were severely tested recently. Here’s my story and what I learned about gratitude and coping with stress.

    Waking Up with Only Half My Face Working

    Three weeks ago, I woke up to find I was suffering from semi-facial paralysis. My right eye did not blink or close. My mouth could barely open on the affected side. And when I tried to smile, I could only manage a very crooked grin—the right side just didn’t move.

    The pain was bad, shooting up into my head like an electric shock landing in the center of my brain.

    I woke up my husband. The ambulance came, and I was rushed off to A&E, or ER, or, in my case in Portugal, the Sala da Emergência.

    I thought I’d had a stroke. I lay on the trolley, feeling sorry for myself and wondering what kind of life I might have by the end of the day.

    How Learning to Cope with Stress is Like Learning to Fish When Hungry

    Some people seem to cope effortlessly with whatever life throws at them—maybe it’s genetics, maybe it’s upbringing. But most of us struggle. We have to work hard to find peace amidst a storm of chaos.

    Sometimes it feels too overwhelming, and we sink into despair, anxiety, and depression. We turn to crutches such as comfort food, sleeping pills, or alcohol.

    But a crutch is a temporary fix to tide you over. Long-term crutches can mean you forget how to walk. We need to embody skills that work for the rest of our lives.

    It’s like teaching a man to fish. Show him how to use a fishing rod, and he has a means of getting food for the rest of his life. It’s the same for coping with stress. We need skills, strategies, and tools we can use on a daily basis so that when the blows strike, we’re ready and resilient.

    So where can we look for the skills and fishing rods that help us cope with overwhelming stress?

    Learning to Use 5 Fishing Rods That Hook You Away from Stress

    Here are basic skills that I drew on when I was waiting to hear the medical verdict in the hospital.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an expert on any of these skills. But these are the ones that worked for me. There are others. But maybe you wouldn’t have thought of these basic things as skills or tools that actually work to cope with life-threatening events.

    1. Breathing is the simplest tool.

    Yeah, well, we all do that all the time, don’t we?

    Yes, we do. But stress tends to make us breathe more shallowly, so getting into the habit of regular deep breathing when you’re not stressed can help dissipate the crippling effects of stress when it strikes you hard.

    Deep breathing triggers your parasympathetic nervous system and quietens the fight or flight response. (I did deep breathing in the MRI machine.)

    2. Meditation is another.

    Down the millennia, learning to meditate has started with concentrating on breathing, but you can take it further. With practice comes peace and transforming happiness. It takes time and regular practice. Then meditation gives you a place to go to find the calm to cope with harrowing life events. (I used this as a means of getting through the pain to sleep.)

    3. Exercise.

    When you’re feeling that miserable, the last thing you may feel like doing is going out walking or running or going down to the gym. But exercise triggers endorphins in your brain, so it’s a great tool to help you cope with stressful events. It can be as effective as drugs in controlling pain and stress.

    See it as a tool you can use to lift a mood, even just a little bit, and soon you’ll see exercise as a great stress buster. (Actually, I didn’t use this tool, as I could barely walk because my balance was affected. But I’m starting to use it as I improve.)

    4. Talk to friends and family.

    Just telling people about a problem can help you. You’ll feel supported if you feel someone’s listening. Feeling acknowledged gives you strength to cope. Developing your social network is a vital life skill. (Can’t thank my friends, neighbors, and family enough for the support they’ve given me. They were wonderful!)

    5. Choose your reaction.

    You may have no choice about being flung into a stressful crisis, but you do have the choice of how you’re going to react. Our immediate reaction might be fight or flight followed by a large dose of panic. Much better to pause and engage the brain to give yourself mental space to concentrate on choosing how to react.

    Mastering the Skill of Choosing Your Reaction: The Power of Gratitude Journaling

    What I have found hardest is the skill of choosing your reaction.

    For the last year, I’ve grappled with the concepts and practice of gratitude journaling. It seemed such an alien practice to me, kind of false and insincere, merely going through the motions. In a half-hearted way, I’ve kept a gratitude journal.

    On the other hand, there is a lot of science as well as celebrities endorsing its effectiveness.

    It’s dead simple: All you do is write down three to five things for which you’re grateful or thankful or that brought you joy. You can do it every day or every few days—just do it regularly.

    According to the science, it opens your mind to looking for the positive in everything. It trains your mind not only to look for happiness but actually to be happy with what you already have. It stops you from taking what you have for granted. You learn to appreciate people, possessions, and events in new ways.

    Eventually, it alters the structure of your brain and even changes your personality to one more positive in outlook.

    It takes time, but the benefits abound—better sleep, better health, better social relationships, less pain, lower blood pressure, and more energy.

    So, does it really work? Let me take you back to the hospital where I was lying on the trolley feeling miserable.

    Not Dead Yet: The Tide of Gratitude Turns

    After I’d seen the triage nurse and been sent for blood tests, I started to realize I couldn’t just wallow in self-pity. Okay, I was sick, very sick, but not dead yet.

    I started to look around and see how the hospital system worked. I saw how the truly kind staff worked so hard to make everyone comfortable. I watched and marveled at their skill at changing beds with patients still in them. I saw the care they put into dealing with a fractious old lady. (No, it wasn’t me!).

    They sent me for a CAT scan. I marveled at the machines that helped find a diagnosis, at the pain relief from drugs. I could see the system working, for others and for me.

    Suddenly, I was able to rise above the misery of my own illness. It was a shift in perception. All these people and all these facilities surrounding me were devoted to helping me and the other patients. And help me they did!

    Boy was I grateful!

    I felt better, even though I couldn’t close my eye or blink, my sight in that eye had faded, I couldn’t hear in one ear, my speech was slurred, and sitting or standing up saw me in a tizzy of vertigo.

    I was so grateful for a health system that could deal with my emergency.

    The Flood of Well-Being from Gratitude

    As I was flooded with this powerful feeling of thanks, I learned that you have to dig deep into the emotions to reap the benefits of gratitude, to feel the benefits of optimism. But when I needed it, it came bubbling through.

    And that flood of well-being hasn’t left me. I’m slowly and cheerfully recovering.

    Yes, it will take time, but already my smile is returning as the paralysis recedes. Each day I’m grateful for my happy life in this lovely country I’ve recently moved to.

    I realized that all the effort I’d made trying to reap the elusive benefits of gratitude journaling did actually work. I chose to look at my own situation, to reject the self-pity, and see the positive. I chose my reaction to my crisis, and it pulled me into recovery.

    Stress Busting: Practice Makes Perfect

    So how about practicing the skills for when you need them?

    Take a few deep breaths every day so that when you start to feel stressed, it’s natural to start breathing that way.

    Put the effort into supporting your friends and family. Maybe try a bit of meditating.

    Take the time to keep your gratitude journal. Just write down a few things you’re really grateful for: the splash of cheerful color from that flower blooming in the garden, the chatty email you got from your friend, the delicious piece of cake your neighbor brought you.

    Then, the next time that disaster scenario leaps into your imagination, imagine how you’ll choose your reaction. You won’t go into panic mode. See yourself using the skills that you’ve been honing, dealing with the crisis in a positive way, or even preventing the crisis in the first place.

    Then imagine that it happens for real: You scarcely need to think of the skills you need, as your daily practice makes it natural for them to kick in straight away. That’s just the way you operate these days.

    Starting with a few words that recognize a benefit and pleasure that you’ve enjoyed, you’ll learn a skill that can, in the end, make a difference to your whole life.

    Get writing today.

  • My “Stress” Was Actually High-Functioning Anxiety

    My “Stress” Was Actually High-Functioning Anxiety

    “Anxiety is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.” ~Jodi Picoult

    Many years ago, I worked in the technology sector in Austin, Texas, which is a big “tech town.” I was incredibly focused on building my career and earning a higher and higher salary.

    I also have two daughters, who were in elementary school at the time. I’m divorced and am the primary care giver for them. Like so many divorced moms, I was doing a lot.

    I would run through a mental list of daily to-dos from the time I woke up and continue to do so throughout the day. I didn’t want to forget anything. I was juggling home life, work life, and trying to have a personal life too.

    Overwhelmed? You bet I was.

    I frequently felt like I was rushing from one thing to the next, all day long. Rush to get the kids and myself out the door in the morning. Rush to work.

    At work, I would be focused on getting everything done so I could be out the door in time to get home to make dinner and help with homework. I usually also had some sort of housework to do in the evening.

    I rushed to get my daughters to bed on time and hoped I would have enough time for some “me time” so I could actually relax and have some quiet time before bed.

    But, I’d already be thinking about the list of things I had to do the next day, and the cycle would start all over again.

    What I thought I felt was stress. We all hear the phrase “I’m so stressed out,” particularly when we have a lot going on. That described me perfectly. I was constantly busy, so I was constantly stressed.

    Or so I thought.

    What I actually was suffering from was high-functioning anxiety.

    High-functioning anxiety isn’t a specific type of anxiety, but rather a term that refers to anxiety where the individual is still highly functioning, with the anxiety “just below the surface.” 

    Think of high-functioning anxiety as hidden anxiety, where others may not realize someone has anxiety at all.

    Individuals with high-functioning anxiety are often very successful and tend to be high achievers. Their anxiety doesn’t prohibit them from accomplishments. In fact, their anxiety may be part of the reason they are successful.

    Their anxiety drives them to do more in both their personal and professional life. To outsiders, they will appear put-together, competent, and often appear calm.

    But on the inside, those with high-functioning anxiety spend a lot of time overthinking and ruminating. They are afraid of failure and worry about what others think of them.

    This described me perfectly.

    I had never heard of high-functioning anxiety and had a perception of those with anxiety as people who are fearful, wide-eyed, and maybe even shaky or jittery. I thought that people with anxiety couldn’t function “normally” and that their anxiety would perhaps even be debilitating.

    I didn’t think that anxiety applied to me at all.

    But I am high-achieving and successful, and anxiety is a big part of what got me to where I was at that point in my life. I didn’t realize that I had anxiety, and no one else would have either.

    That constant mental to-do list I mentioned? That was me overthinking. And it wasn’t just my daily to-do list that I was overthinking, it was everything.

    I overthought regarding my daughters and their school work. I overthought about what needed to be done in terms of housework. I overthought about other people and their motivations, why they said specific things or why they didn’tsay things.

    My mind was constantly going, chattering away.

    I had my sights set so high, particularly as it pertained to my career, that I was afraid of failure and thought the mental obsessions at work were me just “pushing myself” or me doing a good job.

    Truly, I thought that the way I felt was part of what gave me my edge, and that people I thought of as less successful were people who were lazy, or didn’t spend time thinking enough about how they wanted to be and how they wanted to get somewhere in life.

    The problem is that those with high-functioning anxiety are just as at risk as others with an official mental health diagnosis of an anxiety disorder. They are prone to mental and physical fatigue, and could be likely to use alcohol or drugs as a coping method.

    And I did get mental and physical fatigue. In fact, I wound up developing a severe autoimmune reaction that was triggered in part by the anxiety. I had been operating at a heightened state for so long that my body and nervous system could no longer cope.

    My body just “gave out.”

    That illness was a huge wake up call for me and led me down a path to healing myself that I never could have anticipated. I took a holistic approach to healing that included a radical diet change, journaling, and energy healing.

    I also started to do a lot less. I let things go because I had to.

    It took me about a year and a half to heal my body and along the way, it was my mind that healed too.

    I started to really assess who I had been and the path I had been on, and frankly, how unhealthy I had been in my mental churning and preoccupations. I still didn’t realize that I had been in the throes of high-functioning anxiety (I stumbled upon the concept later), but I did realize that I didn’t want to be the person that I was before.

    I wanted to be at peace.

    If you suspect that you have high-functioning anxiety, know that you can heal also.

    One healing technique I often use, still to this day, is the “feet on the floor” method, which is a very simplified but highly effective alternative to meditation. It can be done either sitting or standing.

    With your feet on the floor, focus on feeling your feet touching down. Feel your entire foot as much as you can: heel, sole, ball of foot, and toes. Still focusing on your feet, take a few deep breaths.

    When you feel your feet on the floor, you become very present to the moment and get out of your head. This technique brings you into the moment and can help calm you down, particularly when you feel yourself spiraling with racing thoughts.

    Plus, this technique is super sneaky. You can do it anywhere and no one knows you’re doing it. You can be sitting at your desk at work, standing in line at the grocery store, etc. and no one around you will have any idea you are using this technique.

    The more you practice feeling your feet on the floor, the more often you’ll automatically do it without having to remind yourself to do it. Once you feel yourself start to get anxious, you’ll use the technique almost like second nature, because you’ve trained yourself to do it and it is so effective.

    Another way to manage your high-functioning anxiety is to make abstract art that represents how you want to feel instead of anxious.

    You don’t have to consider yourself an artist to use this technique. A simple blank white sheet of paper and some markers are all that are needed. Just let your hand flow with colors, shapes, and patterns that represent how you want to feel. If you do happen to be artistically inclined, you could draw a self-portrait or you in some scene or setting where you feel calm and joyous.

    When you’re creating art, you’re accessing a totally different part of your brain than you use when you’re in the midst of anxiety. Being artistic is a way for you to tap into another part of you that is outside of the anxiety. Plus, it can be very cathartic to create.

    Use these two techniques often, plus focus on making small changes and know that it will take time to heal. You’ll have good days and bad days. In working through your anxiety, focus on the good feelings when you have them and tell yourself that you want more of them.

    They will be your anchor.

  • What to Ask Yourself When You Feel Overwhelmed, Stressed, or Anxious

    What to Ask Yourself When You Feel Overwhelmed, Stressed, or Anxious

    “Clear your mind. Your heart is trying to tell you something.” ~Unknown

    Words have incredible power. I’d like to share three little words that can unlock your inner magic. They can help you cut through the layers that stand in the way of your inner truth and help you get in touch with your highest self. The peaceful, compassionate, loving self that knows what you need in any given moment and wants to bring goodness to the world.

    But I better tell you now that they are simple words that may not seem earth shattering at first.

    These words have become part of my life in the last few months. When I am feeling tired, stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed I ask myself this simple question. It forces me to stop and listen to myself. Then I can take action from a calm and peaceful state.

    What Are These Three Words that Can Unlock Your Inner Magic?

    So what are the simple words I have found that help me to stop in the middle of stressful situations? How can I tune into the reality at the heart of every circumstance? With three little words, which form a simple question:

    What is so?

    Isn’t it often the simplest things that have the most profound impact? Allow me to share why these words have been so powerful for me.

    I am the mom of one high-energy and very curious four-year-old boy. We also happen to live in Japan, where I am a foreigner. Japan can be a stressful place for a foreign mom. I get overwhelmed. I misunderstand things. I feel out of control.

    I am a writer, but procrastination and the struggle to find the time to write kick my butt over and over again.

    Maybe you have those feeling too, whatever your circumstances.

    Learning to Make Choices to Respond Wisely

    There are key moments in the day when I have decisions to make. To be honest there was a time, not long ago, when I didn’t believe I could make those choices.

    There are moments when I would give in to procrastination when I should be taking action. Or moments when I would force myself to push through and do things when I need to sit and rest.

    Moments when I would get angry with my son when he needs me to be calm and help him process his own difficult emotions. Or moments when I would get stressed out by overcrowded places when I have no choice but to take my place among the crowds.

    There are voices that run through my head in those moments. They tell me things I should be doing or things other people shouldn’t be doing. I have a litany of judgments about how things should be different to what they are in the moments of my day.

    In those moments when I’m struggling, those voices come from somewhere other than my own inner wisdom. When I react poorly, it is often because I am more worried about what other people will think. My mind gets caught up in a million thoughts that do not serve me.

    I snap. I react. I get mad at people pushing me on a crowded escalator and push back. I become the thing I hate and judge myself along with everyone else.

    So I am learning to stop and take a deep breath and ask myself “What is so?”

    What Is So?

    These three words cause me to slow down long enough to listen to what’s going on with me. I may just be hungry or tired or distracted by something I read online that continues to run through my mind.

    If I am procrastinating on a writing project, for example, I need to listen through the fear and the doubt to the voice underneath. The voice that says, “You’ve got this. You are good enough. You are safe. Everything is okay. You have everything you need right here and now.”

    If I’m getting mad at how other people are behaving, perhaps it is because, as my husband always says, it’s their first time being human. Hell, maybe it’s my first time being human. We are all still practicing this humanity thing.

    Finding the Voice of Compassion

    And we all need to find the voice inside of us that is kind and compassionate. The voice that allows us to respond wisely to what life throws at us and not react out of our fear or worry.

    Few of us ever slow down enough to find that voice. We believe that the fear and doubt are the only emotions we are feeling; we are too afraid to dig beneath them. We find it hard to believe that the deeper reality, what is true and what is so, is always peace and love and goodness. We just need to sit with our feelings and listen to our highest self.

    We are experts at avoiding the unpleasant emotions. We never sit with the negative thoughts long enough to let them melt away. Facebook will happily offer up endless distractions. There’ll always be one more cup of coffee and another box of cookies.

    But if we always avoid the unpleasant feelings, we can never find our way through them.

    Acknowledging What’s Underneath the Fear and Negative Thoughts

    This simple question, “What is so?” frees me to acknowledge what is happening inside me. Invariably, I procrastinate when those ugly little words “I am not good enough” are raging unacknowledged within me.

    If I keep going and keep digging there might be a physical reason why I am not feeling in control and my best. I probably need to eat or drink or sleep or exercise. Maybe I need to sit down and journal through the feelings and find my equilibrium again.

    I’m still working on being the mom who responds calmly to whatever my son gets himself into instead of being the mom who screams “Don’t do that. Don’t touch that. WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!” Because what is so is that he is a healthy, happy four-year-old, and the light of my world.

    It takes practice to know that you have the power to act from love and not fear. It takes practice to strip away the anxious thoughts and find what is most deeply true in every moment.

    Will you join me and try it the next time you are feeling overwhelmed or stressed out?

    Stop, slow your breathing, and focus your attention inside your chest. What is so? What is so? What is so?

    You are alive. You are safe. You know what you need.

  • Remember How Blessed You Are

    Remember How Blessed You Are

    How blessed you are

  • How to Make Your Cruel Inner Voice Work for You, Not Against You

    How to Make Your Cruel Inner Voice Work for You, Not Against You

    Stressed woman

    “We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.” ~Carlos Castaneda

    I’ve always had issues with food, but in the past five years this struggle became a full-blown eating disorder.

    I remember the first time I thought I was too big, in fourth grade. Now I know that I wasn’t too big. Maybe I hadn’t outgrown my baby fat yet, but I wasn’t overweight. Still, all the other girls at my school were smaller than me.

    There was one day when a pediatrician came to our school for a health check. Everyone was measured, weighed, etc. I can still feel the sheer horror I felt when my friends asked about my weight.

    I lied, but they didn’t believe me. Instead, they called me fat and ugly and told me that they didn’t want to play with me any longer.

    This feeling, this shame, stuck with me all my life.

    Since that day I’ve struggled with low self-esteem and the fear of not being accepted for who I am. I believe this was beginning for my eating disorder.

    Inner Voices

    In therapy I learned that my self-talk influences me tremendously, and I also learned that the inner voices aren’t always right. Sometimes they are ego-driven, and not focused on what’s the best for me in the long run.

    My inner voice told me that I’d only be worthy and likable if I were skinny.

    It would cheer me up when I was eating less than the day before, and it would beat me up when I ate “too much.” (Note: one apple plus one tub of cottage cheese was “too much”!)

    I was literally starving myself. I was so brainwashed by that constant mantra of “Come on, Mona. You’re stronger than your hunger! You made it yesterday! You don’t have to eat!” that I didn’t realize I was highly depressed and severely underweight.

    When I finally got tired of feeling constantly miserable, it took two therapists, countless tears, and an incredible amount of hard work to overcome my destructive behavior.

    But I can proudly say, I did it. I made peace with my eating disorder voice.

    Now I want to share with you the technique that kick-started my recovery and gave me back my life.

    Our Inner Team

    The inner team is a model borrowed from communication psychology, developed by German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun.

    Schulz von Thun uses working groups or teams as metaphor for the inner voices we all embody (the inner plurality) and a team leader, who ideally decides and executes (that’s you).

    Unfortunately, our inner voices usually don’t act like a team, but more like a gathering of selfish narcissists pretending to be important, often by screaming louder than everyone else.

    The composition of our inner team depends on our given circumstances, upbringing, and environment.

    In my team, for example, there is “the rational.” Its comments are well thought out and very reasonable. It wants results, numbers, and theories—“no emotional bs.” I also have “the perfectionist,” who always insists on excellence and nothing less.

    In the past five years my loudest voice was my eating disorder voice. It’s been bullying all the other team members to silence them, frantically screaming the calories I had just eaten or pretending to be “the only one who really cares.”

    Here’s how I got my inner team from a one-woman-show (starring my eating disorder voice) to a team of equal partners, trying to achieve a win-win-situation.

    How To Manage Your Inner Team

    Step 1: Identify the team members.

    Who are they? What do they say? Can you give them a name? I suggest you make a sketch to visualize the team constellation.

    When I was in therapy, I paid attention throughout the course of one normal day to listen to and identify the voices that popped up.

    The first thing in the morning I “heard” a voice telling me that I’d screwed up the day before. It told me that I’d destroyed everything I’d worked for by eating so much and that I had to skip breakfast to make up for it.

    This was my eating disorder voice.

    Then a quiet little voice spoke up: “Don’t be to hard on yourself, honey. You restricted yourself for so long, you deserve that cake. And not just one little slice. You deserve the whole cake.” This is, what I call, “the Mother,” as my mum (and grandma) always emphasized the importance indulging in food.

    This team member deeply cares about me and wants to protect me from starving myself, but as “the Eating Disorder” is so overly powerful, it needs to become more drastic itself.

    As I told you, I also embody “the Perfectionist.” During my eating disorder phase, all my team members were affected by the message the eating disorder voice kept yelling.

    It’s like you’re being brainwashed. And so were my other team members.

    I always had an interest in clean eating and when I tried to integrate this concept in my life, “the Perfectionist” was my biggest enemy. If I ate clean for a whole day, but then had a slice of birthday cake, it would beat me up for not eating 100% clean:

    “You’re a failure. You just totally screwed up. Why would you even eat healthy, when eventually you’re always going to ruin everything?”

    Then “the Mother” would jump on that wagon, encouraging me to indulge into the cake, while the eating disorder would furiously try to stop me from doing so.

    With these and my three other team members, it got messy in my head. The next step gives order to the chaos.

    Step 2: Listen carefully.

    Now every team member gets the chance to explain him or herself in greater detail. Make sure to listen carefully to every one and write down the main arguments.

    Some of mine included:

    Eating disorder: “I just want you to be skinny so that you’re confident and no one can hurt you. So please stop eating so much.”

    Perfectionist: “If you stop making mistakes, people will like you. When you’re perfect, they’ll have nothing to criticize.”

    Mother: “You are stressed, I can feel it. Have some cake to calm down; you deserve it. You have to take care of yourself.”

    Only if you truly accept each team member will you understand its message. Think of a team at work. You have to accept people and face them with openness so that they are willing to share their thoughts with you. Only then can you really try to understand what they want need.

    Step 3: Brainstorm. 

    In the previous step you acknowledged each of your team members and gave them permission to exist. Now dig into what each one of them really needs.

    Let’s go back to my example and have a closer look on what my team really wants and needs:

    Eating Disorder: I want to protect you and I want you to love yourself so that you can be confident around other people.

    Perfectionist: I want to protect you from the pain of not being liked.

    Mother: I want to help you comfort and take care of yourself.

    Slightly different from what their message was before, isn’t it?

    Now it’s time to get creative: How can you satisfy the needs in a healthy way? A piece of cake won’t give you any comfort or make you feel less stressed. All it does is provide energy for your body, when what you really need might be a break.

    Step 4: Decide.

    Now that you’re aware of the different motivations, concerns, and needs, it’s easier for you to make an informed and self-determined decision.

    I easily get stressed and would turn to food for comfort. Now that I’m aware of this pattern it’s easier for me to resist the urge to swallow down a jar of peanut butter and do some light yoga instead.

    When my eating disorder voice starts saying that I have to lose weight to be liked, I start talking to it. I say that I heard and appreciate its concerns and that I’m working on becoming more confident, but that I’ve decided to try a different approach this time.

    —

    This is my version of the Inner Team framework, and even if seems a little strange at first to “communicate with your inner voices,” it’s so beneficial.

    This process gives you the chance to take a step back and slow down instead of rushing through life one autopilot decision after another.

    You become mindful.

    By allowing all your inner voices to co-exist, you reduce their tendency to catch your attention through “screaming.” Acknowledge their right to exist and know that they do want the best for you, though their suggestions aren’t always right.

    I can genuinely say that I finally arrived at a point where I am in charge. Thanks to my inner team, I have the power to choose.

    And I choose a healthy life.

    Photo credit: © Mariayunira | Stress Woman Photo

  • Stop Pushing Yourself So Hard: 8 Ways to De-Stress Your Mind and Body

    Stop Pushing Yourself So Hard: 8 Ways to De-Stress Your Mind and Body

    Peaceful Woman

    “Self-care is not selfish or self-indulgent. We cannot nurture others from a dry well. We need to take care of our own needs first, and then we can give from our surplus, our abundance.” ~Jennifer Louden

    I have always been really driven. I readily admit that I am an overachiever, and I have the capacity to burn the candle at both ends.

    Following my dreams and creating what I imagine is my destiny takes work, real work, so I can easily spend way too many hours a day striving to bring my visions into reality.

    I am hardwired to push myself naturally. I am quite certain it is a gene that I have inherited from my dad. I don’t seem to have an off switch, and that fuels me to fit as much as I possibly can into twenty-four hours.

    Two years ago my off switch was shut down for me without my consent.

    My world and my body were shaken and shattered into a million pieces in what seemed like a heartbeat.

    Back then, I lived in a beautiful two-story home. One morning, as I headed out for my morning run, I fell down my steep internal staircase. One minute I was standing on the top step, and then the next minute I was lying at the bottom.

    I suffered all sorts of injuries. Some of those injuries healed quickly, and some will stay with me for the rest of my life. But on the flip side, my fall from grace has reminded me to slow down, smell the roses, and practice self-care every single day.

    I often look back and ask myself, was my fall perhaps the Universe’s way of nudging me, or rather throwing me, into a place where I had no choice but to nurture and heal myself?

    Being forced to completely stop gave me the opportunity to re-evaluate my entire life. I had always taken care of myself, but when I look back, I recognize it was only on the surface. I had never stopped for long enough to prioritize wellness on every level.

    Though it can be challenging to find time to practice self-care, we all need to nurture ourselves—emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally.

    In retrospect, I’m grateful for my accident, as it taught me to really take care of myself. If you too are pushing yourself too hard—and rushing through life as a result—I highly recommend you (slowly) take the following steps.

    1. Take ownership.

    I learned that I must take personal responsibility for my wellness. We all need to do this.

    I don’t mean just taking a break when we are exhausted, rundown, or overwhelmed, or when we hit rock bottom—or in my case, the bottom of the staircase! We need to form and maintain healthy habits that enable us to thrive. No one else can do this for us.

    2. Commit.

    In order to maintain optimum good health on every level, I have had to accept that it requires a degree of commitment and discipline. It is often when we lose something so precious, like the ability to move or to walk unaided, that we really appreciate what so many take for granted.

    Do some trial and error to identify the self-care practices that help you function at your best—meditation, short walks, getting out in nature; anything that helps you recharge physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. Then schedule these activities into your day.

    It might help to start with five or ten-minute activities so it doesn’t feel too overwhelming. The important thing is that you do something each day, no matter how small.

    3. Practice mindfulness.

    Mindfulness forms the foundation of self-care, because we’re only able to identify our needs when we’re present in our bodies. I wasn’t mindful on the day of my accident, and that’s why I didn’t realize I needed to slow down.

    Mindfulness also nourishes our spirit by rooting us in the present moment. By practicing mindfulness, we become engaged with our surroundings.

    The best way I know how to practice mindfulness is through meditation. Meditation has given me a sense of calm, peace, and balance. It supports my emotional well-being and my overall health. What’s not to love about that?

    4. Take breaks for deep breathing.

    I now take regular mini breathing breaks throughout my day. Breathing is the connection between mind, body, and spirit. Taking a few deep breaths over the course of the day and deeply inhaling and exhaling energizes me.

    When I breathe in now, I fill myself with gratitude for my life.

    When I breathe out, I let go of all the unnecessary demands that I place on myself.

    Schedule a few times throughout your day when you can close your eyes and take a few deep, cleansing breaths. It’s a simple practice that you can do anywhere, at any time, yet it can profoundly affect your state of mind, creating peace, calm, and clarity.

    5. Nourish your spirit.

    We often think of self-care as diet and exercise, but it’s equally important to nurture our spirit. For me, this involves getting outside and enjoying nature—a leisurely walk at sunrise or sunset, a swim in the ocean, or even just stepping outside into the fresh air and stopping to acknowledge how truly miraculous the world is. It is the simplest of acts that now fill my spirit with light.

    6. Beware the “busy life.”

    We seem to wear busyness like a badge of honor nowadays. Often, being busy just creates the illusion of being successful, but how successful can we really be when we’re stressed, exhausted, physically and mentally depleted, and missing out on opportunities for joy in our daily life?

    We may have responsibilities and obligations, but we all have the power to scale back. It might not be easy, but it’s possible. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to use being too busy as an excuse for living a beautiful life.

    7. Keep it simple.

    It is often only when we finally slow down that we’re able to recognize all the chaos that can fill our world. Keeping life simple is now a priority.

    I have removed blockages, obstacles, and any hurdles that may trip me up and stop me from moving forward. I can see clearly now and I am open to accepting more love, laughter, joy, and happiness into my world.

    Recognize all the unnecessary hurdles you’ve placed on your own path. Where can you simplify or scale back? Where are you creating unnecessary stress or drama in your life? What would you need to let go of or do differently to create a simpler life, with more time for yourself?

    8. Recognize and eliminate energy drains.

    When you are exhausted from a challenging situation, and your energy is depleted, it is vital that you learn to manage and replenish your energy—mind, body, and spirit—so that you can recover quickly.

    While I was recovering from my injuries, I had time to evaluate who and what drained my energy. I have learned to manage my energy daily, like I would manage my finances. I no longer invest my time and energy into anything that does not give me a positive return.

    What drains your energy? What habits, activities, or relationships aren’t healthy for you? What, if eliminated, would provide a huge sense of relief?

    —

    I received a huge gift after the fall—the kind of gift that can only be received when you are ready and open to acknowledging that there is actually always a gift in even the most challenging of circumstances.

    My gift was a huge reminder that life is precious and should never be taken for granted.

    I am worthy of self-love and self-care every day. We all are. For every positive choice we make, we support our mind, body, and spirit. Self-care fuels us with the strength and energy we need to achieve all of our dreams.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Deal When You’re Overwhelmed: 5 Ways to Turn Stress into Joy

    How to Deal When You’re Overwhelmed: 5 Ways to Turn Stress into Joy

    Stress

    “When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways—either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength.” ~Dalai Lama

    You’re overwhelmed and stressed by all the things that need to be done. All your best-laid plans for becoming a better version of yourself are feeling very tenuous at the moment.

    You still want to be healthier, more present in your relationships, and able to appreciate and express gratitude for all the things you have instead of worrying about the things you don’t. But, you are strongly considering putting off the work it takes to create those things in your life until things slow down.

    If you do that, you will be missing an opportunity to bulletproof your changes and make the joy that will come along with them inevitable.

    My wife recently had our second child. It has been great, and in a lot of ways easier than when we had our first. However, there is no doubt that between having a newborn in the house and an energetic toddler running around, overwhelmed is an accurate description of my life.

    At first I felt that at any moment the stress would be too much and I would say something I didn’t mean, use a tone I shouldn’t, or forget that showing patience and love to my family is the most important thing to me.

    But then I realized, each moment is practice for all the moments that will follow. And, if I maintain my composure, continue to show up for my loved ones, and be a positive example for my oldest kiddo, then this time of overwhelm can be a time of incredible growth.

    As life normalizes, and things are more predictable, it will be easier to be the person I want to be because I will have done it in much more difficult circumstances. It is just like training for anything else. If you train in harder conditions than you expect to compete in, once the competition gets there, it feels like a breeze.

    I haven’t been 100% all of the time, but I am definitely building a resilience that will make sticking to my habits and values that much easier going forward.

    Here are the five ways you can turn overwhelm into a practice and guarantee your future will be full the joy living an intentional life brings.

    1. Take mental breaks.

    If you are in the middle of a stressful situation, it can be very difficult to see the big picture of what you want for your life and act in accordance with it. You are just trying to triage your way out of the moment because it seems like survival is the best you can hope for.

    But despite what it feels like at the time, you can do much better with the situation than just surviving it. You can turn it to your advantage.

    To do that, when you feel blinded to your big picture by a desperate need to just survive the moment you are in, take a beat. Literally, take fifteen seconds, two deep breathes, then ask yourself what your next action would be if you were going to act in line with the vision you have for yourself in the future. Then do that.

    The other day, as I was corralling my three-year old son to go to school so I could make an appointment, disaster struck. A stick that he was saving (because certain sticks are a treasure to him at the moment) got chomped by our dog.

    My son lost it. It was very much like the worst thing in the entire world just happened.

    Between my dog chopping a stick to bits in the house, my three-year old howling uncontrollably with tears streaming down his face, our new baby joining in because all the noise woke her up, I was very much ready to follow my son’s lead and lose it.

    Then I stopped and took a beat.

    Instead of escalating the situation, yelling at the dog, and dragging my wailing three-year old out the front door, I hugged him and waited.

    Eventually he calmed down. I asked him if he wanted to go see if there was a new stick outside on the way to the car to go to school. He said yes. We gathered our things, he found a suitable replacement, and the day went on.

    Those few seconds allowed me to see that the most important thing in that moment was taking the opportunity to help my son learn to get control back over his emotions, and to let him know that I will be there for him when they are a little out of control.

    Just putting a little bit of room between my reaction and the stressful situation gave me a chance to reflect.

    Try it next time you are feeling overwhelmed and like you are just reacting. It will make a world of difference in how you react to stress.

    2. Smile.

    You know how it is when you get stressed; it seems like the world piles on. Yet another thing comes up that you have to deal with on top of everything else you already had on your list.

    You weren’t sure you were going to get everything done as it was. Now you can’t even imagine how it is possible that you could finish.

    And there’s no way you are going to be able to workout, or meditate, or journal, or whatever other good habit you are trying to start for yourself.

    Smile.

    Just smile.

    Know that time will pass, you will do as much as you can with it, and you can either have a furrowed brow and be short with everyone around you as you go, or you can smile and pleasantly do as much as you can.

    You will get whatever you can get done either way. But the chances that you do whatever you do in a way that aligns with who you want to be go way up if you are smiling while you are doing it.

    3. Remember this will pass.

    Life is going to continue. Things will change. Things always change. You are overwhelmed now. You won’t be at some point. Then you will be again. That’s just how it works.

    View the time you feel overwhelmed as just a season of life. Not something you’ve been cursed to experience in perpetuity.

    Whatever is causing it will pass.

    It may sound trite. But try it. It is amazing how much easier it is to deal with stressful situations while sticking to your habits and your values when you don’t view it as something that you will always have to deal with, but instead as just a period you have to get through.

    4. When In doubt, don’t.

    When you are overwhelmed, you are very likely to make a bad decision, to act in a way you regret, and generally derail a lot of the good stuff you have going.

    So, when you are really stressed, don’t follow your gut. That’s right, your gut is probably leading you astray.

    When you know you are overwhelmed, be on the lookout for those quick, off-the-cuff reactions. If it makes sense in the moment to eat the whole bag of potato chips (your gut literally leading you astray) or fire off a heated rebuke in an email, you probably need to tell your gut to take a break. So when you feel yourself wanting to react like that, stop.

    I was driving my son to school recently (not the same day that the Great-Stick-Chomping Incident occurred), and the car in front of me kept slowing down, then speeding up, then slowing down, then swerving, and at one point just stopped in the middle of the road.

    We were late, I had somewhere I needed to be after dropping my son off, and, as I mentioned, life in general is a tad more stressful these days than normal.

    So when that car stopped, my gut very strongly told me to lay on the horn, roll down my window, and string together quite a few explicit terms. This guy was being completely disrespectful to everyone else on the road, and was the direct cause of me being even later than I already was.

    But, instead of following my gut, I gave a short honk to let him know there was someone behind him and said nothing. He looked up in his rear view, waved apologetically, and scooted on, driving like a reasonable person.

    If I had followed my gut, I would have not only chastised what seemed like a nice person who just didn’t know where he was going, but I would also have modeled for my son that when you are annoyed, you should lash out to deal with it, which is obviously not something I want him to learn from me.

    So when you are in a place that you know makes your gut more likely to lead you astray, be very intentional about whether you listen to it. Take a second to consider if what it is telling you aligns with how you want to behave and portray yourself. If it does, great, but if not, ignore it and do nothing.

    5. Practice, practice, practice.

    If you believe in the habits you are trying to create or the values you are trying to exhibit with your life, then you can override the reflex to let stress derail you by reminding yourself that now is the time to practice being the version of yourself you want to become.

    While it will never be something you seek out, when you view stress and overwhelm this way, they become the vehicle to ensure your long-term success.

    You will turn negative situations into positive ones and, as a result, you will be far more likely to come out the other end stronger and better for it.

    —

    No one wants to be overwhelmed or stressed out. But that doesn’t change the fact that all of us will be at some point.

    We can plod through those times only to come through them needing to re-establish the good habits and way of life we had started before the challenging time came, or we can cement the person we want to be during those times.

    You can use the five techniques above to choose the latter, and guarantee that you will be the joyous person you want to be, no matter what season of life you are in.

    Reducing stress image via Shutterstock

  • Take Life Day by Day

    Take Life Day by Day

    Take life day by day

    Source: Sun-Gazing

  • 12 Ways to Turn Your Crippling Stress into Happiness

    12 Ways to Turn Your Crippling Stress into Happiness

    Happy Meditating Woman

    “More smiling, less worrying. More compassion, less judgment. More blessed, less stressed. More love, less hate.” ~Roy Bennett

    You are a slave to stress.

    I can relate. Stress crushed my life and dreams.

    I started a business and faced intense criticism over this decision.

    Everyone was sure I’d fail. My friends and family attacked me while I was combating my own self-doubt.

    My stress level was insanely high.

    Then the worst happened. My business failed and I lost all my savings. I was crushed.

    It took a long time to finally accept this failure.

    Today, whenever I work, stress still lingers in my body like the shadow of my dark past. But now I know how cope with it. Let me teach you how.

    1. Consider getting a pet.

    Sharing negative feelings with close friends can significantly reduce stress. Studies show that spending time with pets relieves stress in the same way. Also, when you’re accompanied by a pet in stressful situations, it prevents your stress level from rising.

    I have a cat. He was my only friend when nobody was supporting me. I’m grateful to have him by my side.

    If you don’t have a pet, consider getting one. It may change your life in surprising ways.

    2. Stop dwelling on your problems.

    Kant State University had an eye-opening discovery. Apparently, the more you talk about your problems, the more you’re likely to suffer from depression.

    Of course, it’s healthy to share what you’re going through. But when you’re mindlessly dwelling on your problems, it doesn’t solve anything.

    I never talk to anyone about my problems because no one supports me. This propels me to actively seek solutions instead of blindly mulling over things that could stress me out.

    If you’re fortunate to have supportive friends, do seek their support. What’s important is that you don’t just whine about your difficulties, but actually act.

    3. Shower yourself with gifts.

    You’re being brutally hard on yourself.

    You take success for granted. Worse, you exaggerate failure.

    When you’ve reached a goal, you move on nonchalantly. If you don’t, you torment yourself mentally. You scold, devalue, and deprive yourself.

    I’ve been there. I know this is self-destructive.

    Reward yourself for reaching goals. Research shows that when you’re rewarded for an action, you’re likely to repeat it. This is called a positive feedback loop. It’s much more effective than punishment.

    If you gain stress from failure, without happiness from success, the only outcome is stress.

    If you earn happiness from success, without stress from failure, the only outcome is happiness.

    4. Exploit bad habits to your advantage.

    I used to run away from problems. When stress hit, I’d instantly give up on whatever I was working on and resort to escapism.

    You may have experienced this too.

    Escapism may entail over-eating, indulging in unhealthy foods, TV, Internet, porn, smoking, and drinking. Over time, they form destructive habits.

    Exploit escapism by using it as an anchor.

    Pick healthy alternatives, such as meditation, stretching, listening to motivational talks, napping, or light exercises.

    Before you escape, do thirty seconds of an alternative first.

    Say you’re angry with your boyfriend. You think you need to eat some junk food to calm down. Before that, meditate for thirty seconds. Then you’re free to indulge.

    Do this for two months. Then increase good habit time weekly, until the good habit completely drowns out the bad.

    This way, I built new automatic responses to stress and broke my escapist habits completely. Now when I feel stress, I either take a short nap or move along to uplifting music.

    After a few minutes, I’m recharged and motivated to face new challenges.

    5. Unleash your anger (and cry yourself to sleep).

    Don’t always try to appear perfectly calm. You need to express difficult emotions—anger, for example.

    Discuss your frustration with friends. Journal your rage and analyze it objectively on paper. You can even confront the object of frustration assertively.

    Remember to release your anger under control. Don’t throw tantrums or yell impulsively. Express it as a means of problem solving.

    This applies to other difficult emotions, as well, like sadness. It’s healthy to express these “negative” emotions.

    6. Reach great heights by letting yourself suck big time.

    I’ve learned to accept my devastating failure. I have to. Otherwise, I’d be completely destroyed and discouraged from pursuing anything ever again.

    Some people cannot accept mistakes. Everything has to be perfect from the start. They think others will look down on them if they appear to be flawed.

    These people are frequently stressed.

    The happiest and most successful people focus on improvement. They love mistakes and flaws, because they see them as opportunities to grow.

    Learn from these people.

    Have lofty goals but have realistic standards. Don’t judge yourself based on the results of your actions. See them as feedback and seek improvement from there.

    7. Be shameless about not doing things.

    You don’t have the time and energy to do everything you want to do.

    Inevitably, things are left undone, and you beat yourself up. This creates stress.

    Consider what’s truly important to you. Kill the rest shamelessly.

    This way, you gain more time and control over your life while making more progress.

    I focus only on my career and my relationships. I’ve postponed other ambitions, like becoming a martial artist and a calligrapher, because they’re comparatively unimportant.

    8. Declare war on useless crap.

    I’m clearing up my apartment. It’s now clean and spacious. When I’m inside, I feel more relaxed, concentrated, and in control.

    Psychologists found that clutter competes for your attention and overloads your brain. This makes you stressed and even damages your ability to think.

    Trash this useless crap ruthlessly.

    Begin with discarding one item per day, for two months. It’s easy, and it trains you to detach emotionally from your possessions. Later, you can expand to junk more items daily.

    9. Learn how to use your body wisely.

    I always keep my back straight and try to appear confident.

    Why? Because posture has a direct relationship with your mood and behavior.

    When you position your body in a natural and comfortable way, you feel less stressed.

    Also, when you appear confident, you feel more powerful and in control. Confidence balances out stress.

    Read books on correct posture and body language. These skills not only reduce stress reliably, they also keep your body healthy.

    10. Extract everything from your overloaded head.

    When your mind is overloaded, you feel agitated, you malfunction, and then you collapse.

    Extract all your mind clutter in one place, out of your head.

    Observe your thoughts for five to fifteen minutes, and let information resurface from your mind.

    You’ll be surprised how much stuff pops up. Things you have to do, things you’re waiting to do, open loops, creative ideas, long-term plans, and many more.

    Write down everything as soon as they come up, no matter how trivial they may seem.

    This helps organize your life and clears even the smallest mind clutter. When you can see everything on paper, you’ll find them more actionable. Life becomes less overwhelming.

    I personally prefer pen and paper for this. A sophisticated to-do system works too, but avoid spending too much time on that. You might create stress in the process.

    11. Learn from the Chinese: the spectator’s eyes.

    Stressed people are masters at exaggeration. They magnify every little problem.

    You can’t see the big picture when you are caught up inside a problem. Then you begin to exaggerate and freak out.

    A Chinese saying goes, “The spectator’s eyes are always clear.”

    Ask a friend for his honest opinion on your problems. This will likely help you recognize when something truly isn’t a big deal. Learn from spectators, and analyze your problems objectively. Then you can see problems as they are, and act wisely.

    12. Laugh: meet apocalypse with humor.

    I watch comedies a lot. They give me a brief escape from my stressors.

    One day I had a revelation.

    Visualize these scenarios: bombing a job interview, getting fired, being unemployed, getting robbed, getting sued, getting rejected by the opposite sex.

    Disasters. But they’re all funny in comedies. There’s something funny in every problem.

    Maybe you burned your food. Maybe you dropped your phone into the toilet. Have a laugh!

    Once you can do this, you’ll completely turn your perspective around. You’ll see the positive in every situation, and face problems happily.

    This Second, You Can Transform Stress Into Happiness

    It’s not impossible. Many people have done it.

    Pick one lesson that looks appealing to you, do some research on it, then act.

    You’ve let stress dominate you long enough. Now is the time to live differently.

    Do you want to stay crippled by stress? Or do you want to turn life into happiness?

    The choice is yours.

    Happy meditating woman image via Shutterstock

  • Hate Your Job? Change May Be Hard But It’s Worth It

    Hate Your Job? Change May Be Hard But It’s Worth It

    “It’s never the environment; it’s never the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events—how we interpret them—that shapes who we are today and who we’ll become tomorrow.” ~Tony Robbins

    How long are we going to put up with lifestyles that kill us before we decide to do something about it?

    It’s no surprise to me that between 70-80% of American workers (depending on the source) dislike their jobs. I was part of that statistic until the disappointment got the better of me and I had no choice but to leave it all behind.

    Things were off to a great start; at least, they were for two months after my wedding. The week after Thanksgiving my boss came in after my shift and gave me the news that I was being laid-off without severance, effective immediately.

    This was shocking, and given the nature of the situation, I was angry, disappointed, stressed, sad, and anxious. Considering that my boss was a close family friend, I also felt betrayed.

    I didn’t want to go home and give the news to my family, so I did the only thing I could think of—I sat in an empty parking lot and cried for two hours.

    All of my problems were directly related to the stress of not having an income. So many thoughts ran through my head during those two hours, like the vision of being in a homeless rut and never getting out of it.

    I was in a state of panic, and sitting alone for two hours was not a good decision for my mental health.

    After a long discussion with my wife, we were able to calmly rationalize the situation and create a plan. It turns out everything was going to work out just fine. It had to—there was no other option.

    After three months of rigorous job-hunting, I got an offer for a new job for a major security corporation. This time it was in IT (tech support), so I could put my degree to good. My pay doubled and I had access to benefits, which I did not have at my previous job. It turns out that getting laid off actually worked to my benefit.

    My job started to lose its appeal around six months. I was beginning to notice the flaws within the company, the lack of good management and training, the politics that come with corporate jobs, and all of the drama between different levels of management.

    I was quick to find that tech support was not for me. However, like my last job, I could not leave because I was a slave to the money.

    Two years went by. My job had its “up moments” but for the most part it was a routine grind, Monday through Friday.

    Corporate masters diminished my genuine passion for helping people by telling me exactly how I should be helping people, despite the actual problem being that our product was terrible and we had no control over that.

    I survived three layoffs during those two years but the fear was there. My team was constantly told that we need to prove ourselves if we wanted to survive cuts.

    After two years I could say I officially hated my job. After three years it started to affect my health, physically and mentally.

    My depression and anxiety medications were increased three times since starting at the job. I had reached the maximum dosage available and was still experiencing severe depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

    A lot of workers have the mindset that “Mondays suck” and that it’s perfectly normal to suffer through a week-long grind, because the weekend is where all of our troubles go away and we get to have fun. At this point in my job I didn’t even look forward to the weekends.

    I spent the entire weekend stressing about having to go back to the office on Monday and resume the routine battle with my suicidal thoughts.

    I woke up one day with a migraine and cold sweats. “Just a bug,” I thought to myself, so I went to work that day only to give up after one hour. My boss expressed his concerns and told me that my job was in jeopardy. We discussed the option of going on an unpaid medical leave due to my health issues. I agreed to look into it.

    I took the rest of that day off and my wife came to pick me up. We sat in the parking lot of a local grocery store talking about my symptoms.

    My migraine was still intense and my body soaked with sweat. We called the doctor and I described my symptoms, or rather a lack of other symptoms. The nurse listed off all of the usual symptoms from WebMD, trying to diagnose what physical ailment I was experiencing, only to come up empty handed.

    Then the nurse told me to go to the emergency room. We were already $10,000 in medical debt (even with the best health insurance available), and we all know that the hospital will just give you some $100 Tylenol and send you home, so my wife and I agreed not to go; instead, we talked about my job.

    We talked about how medical leave was temporary and I would still have to go back to my job in a few weeks. The stress at this point was overwhelming, but she was extremely supportive and also concerned for my health.

    I finally built up the courage and said, “I don’t want to go back to that office.” She not only supported my statement but also agreed with me.

    We had both talked about finances for several months leading up to that point. We talked about what we’d do if one of us lost our job, and we agreed we would be okay for a while, so our planning helped this decision. It was at this point I decided that I wasn’t going back to that job.

    An interesting thing happened: Less than one hour after making this decision my headache went away and my cold sweats completely diminished. Not only was I feeling better, but I also felt alive.

    The stress of losing medical benefits and having a lower income was infinitesimal compared to the amazing freedom and positivity that I felt at this point. Once we got home I decided to go for a walk in the sun. This was the first time I had gone for a walk in over three years.

    The entire time walking, I reflected on my life, my potential, and my future. After that I started to re-invest my time into studying personal development and lifestyle design. As the weeks went on, I wasn’t just motivated and driven; I was alive.

    In that time I did a lot of writing and personal development. I worked on myself, discovering my passion and my core values, and committed to massive lifestyle change. I woke up with a drive to be productive.

    When I see people struggle with their lives, jobs, or relationships, it brings me back to those stressful times of feeling like there’s nothing more to life and it makes me want to help others realize how important it is to take charge and make a change.

    Whether you’re unhappy with your job, health, relationships, or life in general, you can’t wait for it to change on its own. You need to take action and change it yourself.

    You shouldn’t necessarily make sudden decisions without a plan, but you need to get something moving. Make the change happen before it’s too late and you end up severely ill, or worse. Nobody deserves to hate their lives, and if that’s you then you need to open yourself up to some major changes.

    Not all of us have the ability to just get up and leave our jobs. I am fortunate enough to have a loving and hard working wife, but not everyone has the financial or emotional support to suddenly change their lives. So what do you do?

    The most important thing you can do right now is start planning. Think of what you need in order to make that big change in your life. Write a list or draw a picture, just get that vision down and start planning. When you have a goal set, that is when you can start taking the steps needed to achieve it.

    You might have to take baby steps like saving a few dollars every paycheck, working another part time job, or studying to gain a new skill for that better job. Whatever it is, write it down and think about the different steps you can start taking to bring you a little bit closer to making that big change.

    Will it be hard? Possibly. But what would be harder—trying to create something different, or living the rest of your life feeling trapped and miserable?

    It might take a year, two years or more to see significant change in your life, but don’t let that stop you from starting. A year or two will go by whether you make a change or not—you’ll be far happier down the road if you make the effort in the present to work toward a different future.

  • The Dangers of Being Too Busy and How to Restore Your Health and Sanity

    The Dangers of Being Too Busy and How to Restore Your Health and Sanity

    Busy Schedule

    “Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.” ~Jim Rohn

    Busy doesn’t adequately describe my life over the past few years. Let’s say it was a hurricane of a schedule, with extra storms and a tsunami thrown in. Looking back from my current safe vantage point, I’m not sure how I survived.

    The Stress Of A Busy Schedule

    In 2011 I was working full time for the civil service and working part time trying to start up my own business. Early in the year I had my son, who turned out to be a non-sleeper and a constant crier.

    After nine months of sleeplessness, stress, and upset I went back to the civil service ‘part time’ three days a week, but the reality was I had the same workload, only now I had to sort out childcare and stay awake all night to deal with my son too.

    Over the course of three years we also moved three times. You know how they say moving is the most stressful experience? It is—especially with two jobs and a toddler.

    On top of all this stress I kept getting ill. At my check-up I was told my blood pressure was too high. I couldn’t shift a permanent backache, cold, and headache.

    I cried literally all the time, boosting the crying human total to two in one house. My son outdid me, though, because you’ve got to get on. Being a new mum is hard, but I told myself “Get a grip,” every day.

    The Wake Up Call

    Then my aunt suddenly died at the young age of fifty-nine.

    She was always busy moving, rescuing horses, and looking fabulous. She complained to her doctor about headaches and he sent her away with a “stress” diagnosis. The following week she was taken to the emergency department and she died of cancer a few months later.

    It was a mighty wake-up call for me. Work, stress, and demands had taken the fun out of life—it was miserable.

    Life is too short, so I made a vow to sort myself out. I was ungrateful for my life, too busy to appreciate anything except tea and Kit Kats. I was a horrible person to be around, if anyone actually saw me.

    How I Dealt with the Nightmare Years

    I ate rubbish.

    I don’t eat much meat or dairy, but I ate a lot of processed foods to save time. My son had lovingly prepared home-cooked foods, but me? I ate standing up in the kitchen—usually jam on toast.

    I didn’t exercise.

    I didn’t have time to exercise. If my son was asleep it was time to work on the business, or cook something, or even clean.

    I found time for friends instead of me.

    I sent round robin emails and Facebook updates to stay in touch because I didn’t have time for individual chats, but I went on nights out even when I was too tired to stand up. I felt my social obligations were important. I was still the joker and laughed at anything going, but by god, it was exhausting. 

    I lost touch with my hubby. 

    We argued all the time, trying to outdo each other in the “I’m more exhausted than you” Tiredness Olympics. I won because I fell out of bed one night and didn’t wake up. He didn’t notice.

    I didn’t enjoy my son.

    I feel robbed of his early years, not just because he was a nightmare baby, but because I didn’t have time to appreciate him.

    I cried a lot. 

    I cried every day, usually in the bath at midnight after I fell asleep and dropped my phone in the water.

    So what do you think of my coping strategy? It’s pretty pathetic looking back. Many of us do this in the belief that we’re soldiering on, but in fact we’re destroying our health.

    How I Made it Better

    After discussions with my husband we decided to make some cutbacks so I could give up my civil service job. The thought of us both commuting and juggling a school run with a traffic jam was the deal breaker. I was to concentrate on my home business instead.

    I realize I was fortunate to be able to drop my job and focus on my son and my business, and that not everyone can do that. But I believe everyone can start restoring their health and their sanity by making these choices and lifestyle changes.

    Sleep and more sleep. 

    Skip that TV program and go to bed.

    I started getting ready for bed at 10:00. By the time I was asleep it was 11ish, but this was a lot better than my midnight to 1:00am routine.

    When my son woke in the night, instead of putting him back in his own bed (with an hour of fighting), I just let him in with us. It’s quite cosy, and he’s more relaxed.

    Getting kicked every now and then is worth it in my opinion. A new Korean study has shown we increase our odds of diabetes, stroke, and heart disease if we get less than six hours a night—so damn the parenting magazines.

    I went to the doctor.

    It’s easy to dismiss small symptoms when you don’t have the time to stop.

    When I finally got to the doctor, who went thirty minutes over my allotted ten minute appointment, I left with appointments for a physiotherapist, an ultrasound, and the contraception nurse; a prescription for psoriasis treatment; and instructions to buy a steam inhaler and some iron tablets.

    It turned out that I had a large ovarian cyst, anaemia, sciatica, chronic nasal infections, a bad time on the implant contraceptive, and violent psoriasis all dragging me down—and I was exhausted. The doctor thought I had post-natal depression, but in hindsight I think I was simply tired out.

    Talk about a mess! That’s what can build up when you ignore your health. The solution?

    Exercise.

    Fresh air and walking are tonics like no other. I started walking and talking with my son. I soon realized he was bright and had a real grasp of emotion and how people felt. He told me I was always cross, but he wanted to make me happy (cue crying).

    He’s now at school, so we walk there and back every day to talk about his day and the worries he might have. His behavior is startlingly better and he sleeps well too.

    After drop-off I walk to the supermarket or wherever, just for the exercise. I’ve lost fourteen pounds and my backache is pretty much gone.

    Put the mobile down.

    It’s easy to constantly look at Facebook, Twitter, personal emails, and even work emails when you should be resting.

    Keeping work and home life separate is harder than ever, but it’s more important than ever. Talk to your family, watch mindless TV, or read a book. I stopped reading email or Facebook after 6:00pm and immediately felt more relaxed.

    Drink water, not wine.

    Dehydration is a problem for many people, but they don’t realize it. Your body doesn’t function well without water. A new study claims that millions of us visit the doctor with tiredness symptoms when we’re simply dehydrated.

    I didn’t drink much water in the dark days because it didn’t give me a boost and I resented all the peeing time. As a result, my skin was dull and grey, and yes, I was exhausted.

    I got a pet.

    My rescue cat was the best present ever. He kept me calm with purring, sleepiness, and soft fur. Dave lent me a furry ear and didn’t mind when I complained or cried it out.

    Mindfulness.

    From the outside all was calm, organized, and clean. On the inside I was fire fighting with sugar, caffeine palpitations, and a bad attitude. So I took up mindfulness—the act of present-time-awareness.

    According to The NHS, “Mindfulness, sometimes also called ‘present-centredness,’ can help us enjoy the world more and understand ourselves better.” They aren’t wrong!

    It’s okay to say you need some alone time, or to leave the house messy. I didn’t want people to think badly of me back then, so I put myself under pressure to be an actual Wonder Woman. I found out there’s a reason she’s fictional.

    I stopped eating sugar.

    Processed stuff was my main diet, and it’s horrible for our health.

    I was never fond of meat and dairy, but I was filling up on caffeine and sugar. I upped our family intake of fruit and vegetables, bought soya milk, and caffeine-free teabags to use in every other cup. Bye-bye constipation and headaches.

    No smoking.

    I wasn’t a smoker, but a busy stressful schedule can cause people to start or to smoke more. Goodness knows I was looking for a prop. The effects of smoking on health are devastating—heart disease, cancer, asthma, and susceptibly to colds are just a few. There are no pros.

    Feeling Human

    It’s taken almost a year to feel human again. My dietary changes, exercise, and water intake helped almost immediately, but it took a little longer for the health problems to clear up.

    Now I find myself looking back and wondering how on earth I allowed my busy schedule to harm my health so badly, not to mention my family life and friendships.

    Nothing is more important than your health and well-being, because without it you have no life. Is that overtime really worth it? Can that email wait? Those illness symptoms certainly can’t.

    When we’re on a busy schedule, fitting in some self-care and relaxation time just feels like another chore. However, it’s one that could save your health, life, and relationship. Make it your number one priority—before it’s too late.

    Busy schedule image via Shutterstock

  • Having Too Much to Do Isn’t the Problem

    Having Too Much to Do Isn’t the Problem

    Lengthy To Do List

    “As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease. When you act out the present-moment awareness, whatever you do becomes imbued with a sense of quality, care and love—even the most simple action.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    As a young girl I danced a lot. I really loved it and so learned every style of dancing available at my dance school (and took up more and more of my mom’s time driving me back and forth to class and making untold numbers of dance costumes for me).

    Around my fifteenth birthday, all of that practice and enthusiasm came into its own and I was featured in seventeen of the dances being performed in the annual concert.

    There were less than thirty dances in the entire production, so the logistics around making it all happen was pretty intense. (We’re talking side of stage costume changes and Mom planning every move with military precision.)

    There are two things I remember simultaneously from that time: I loved it, and that any fear I had about being able to pull it off was squashed deep in my subconscious. I simply didn’t allow myself to feel the fear.

    This combination meant that the entire experience was a great success.

    It wasn’t, however, a healthy success.

    With the benefit of twenty-five years worth of hindsight, I’m able to look back on that time now and see the overwhelm I suppressed.

    It wasn’t the number of dances that was overwhelming. My body danced as naturally as it walked, and as soon as the music played, it knew what to do. I also knew that if I wasn’t entirely present on stage I would lose the attention of the audience.

    Even at that age, I intuitively knew that the power of the performance was in my ability to be entirely present. In that regard, I could have danced for double or triple the time I did on that day and felt completely invigorated at the end of it.

    That didn’t happen, though, because between each performance I was unconsciously draining my energy.

    You see; I didn’t know how to carry that stage presence into the rest of my life. And so the minute the music stopped, my mind resumed its constant barrage of self-criticism.

    I was afraid of disappointing people, I was afraid of not being perfect, I was afraid of making a mistake.

    If I’d been able to drop all of that inner dialogue, I would have performed those seventeen dances with ease. It wouldn’t have felt too much.

    I wouldn’t have had any overwhelm to suppress. I would have been able to experience the exhilaration fully.

    Instead, my exhilaration was stunted. Kept in check by fear.

    The thing about fear is that it dissipates in the face of presence. There’s simply no space for it when you bring your full self to a task.

    I didn’t feel the fear while dancing because I was present. During some of the quicker costume changes I didn’t feel any fear because I absolutely had to be present in order to get back on that stage immediately, fully dressed without a sequin out of place.

    When I did have the luxury of a full dance or two to prepare for the next performance, I’d get critical; “My hair’s not right,” “Can I really remember what I’m supposed to be doing next?,” “I’m just not happy with the way I approached that last sequence…”

    Each time, before I stepped back onto the stage I knew I had to stop. Become still. Find my presence again. Thankfully I did. But wouldn’t it have been nice if I been able to maintain a steady, mindful presence through the entirety of the two hours and not just when I was on stage?

    Sometimes quantity isn’t the problem. We’re all constantly complaining about too many emails, too many items on our to do list, too many social commitments.

    Sometimes it’s simply about the presence and mental quietude you bring to the myriad tasks that make up your day.

    Perhaps rather than learning how to manage our tasks more efficiently or to say no to every opportunity that comes our way (which are useful things to learn, of course) we’d all benefit from starting first with the mental clutter of our minds.

    With clearing the stories, the judgments, the criticisms we’re repeating over and over like broken records.

    Perhaps rather than suppressing them, we start to acknowledge them. We send love to our fears. We recognize their role in trying to keep us safe and then act from there.

    There’s a vast difference between acting from compassion and understanding, and acting from a reservoir of suppressed fear. You may well still achieve your goals by suppressing your fear, but at what cost?

    After all, our goals are never really all we want, are they? We want to feel good, great, amazing, exhilarated when we achieve them.

    And that, friends, is only made possible through our constant willingness to bring ourselves completely into the present moment. To drop the assessment of what is and what isn’t, and to simply allow all to be, without thought of what’s coming next or memory of what came before.

    Just here. Just now. Being and allowing.

    To-do list image via Shutterstock

  • Release Stress Through Mindfulness: 4 Steps to Emotional Freedom

    Release Stress Through Mindfulness: 4 Steps to Emotional Freedom

    Man Meditating

    “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.” ~William James

    I’ve been meditating for many years, but there are still days when I feel like it’s something I need to tick off my to-do list.

    On some days, particularly when I’m in the middle of a big project, it can feel hard to put even ten minutes aside for meditating. The driven voice in my head tries to convince me that this practice of pausing and connecting with presence is a waste of time.

    It’s a compelling voice, particularly on days when it feels like there are so many urgent things to do. But it’s especially on those days, when I manage to recognize those sabotaging thoughts for what they are, that I find so much benefit from meditating.

    When I sit to meditate on these days, I immediately notice the tightness in my chest and throat and the underlying agitation of my stress. I notice my mind spewing out to-do lists in a way that makes it nearly impossible to resist getting up and just doing it all.

    Then I see what is happening. Ah, agitation is here. By making time for meditation, I get to more consciously connect with myself and my state of being, and I realize that my sense of urgency is actually fuelled from a physical state of tension and stress.

    By the end of my meditation session, my chest open ups, my breath becomes less impeded, my belly softens, and my whole being settles back into a feeling of calm presence.

    I’m grateful that I have this practice that it has taught me how to discern between thoughts that are worth listening to and thoughts that are psychic garbage that needs to be discarded.

    Meditation has taught me how to relate to my thoughts in a completely revolutionary way. I can’t believe this education isn’t mandatory from primary school. I wonder how my life may have been different with this discerning lens on my inner experience.

    Through the practice of meditation, I have come to realize that thoughts can be likened to having a radio on in the background of your mind, and sometimes the channels that you’re tuned into are full of rubbish.

    The difference is that when you’re listening to a radio, if there’s a channel you don’t like, you can easily fix it by changing the station. However, for many of us, when it comes to our thought stream, we sit there tuned in, immersed in a toxic running commentary without changing the station.

    Until I learned the practice of mindfulness meditation I was a prisoner of my own thoughts. When you believe that all your thoughts are truth, your beliefs and stories can limit your possibilities and potential.

    As Gandhi stated:

    “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.”

    So how do you know which thoughts are valuable and which thoughts you should disregard?

    It’s usually the negative thoughts that have a particular power to affect our destiny. So, next time you are having a thought that feels self-critical, judgmental, worried, or stressed, take a mindful moment, pause, and ask yourself if this thought is supporting you to be the person you want to be, and live in the way you want to live.

    Recognize the emotion below the thought that might be driving that type of thinking. Is there fear, overwhelm, stress, hurt, anxiety, shame, or anger?

    By getting to the root of the emotion behind the thought, you can then make wiser decisions about how to respond to what is triggering that emotion rather than stay captive to unproductive thought loops.

    How to Find Emotional Freedom Through Mindfulness

    1. Be aware.

    Notice when you are thinking something that is negative or creating emotional discomfort. Then ask yourself: is this thought moving me toward or away from what I value and how I want to be living?

    2. Let go.

    If you discover the thought is moving you away from who you want to be and how you want to live, simply let it go. Unhook from the toxic radio station in your mind that is sending you unhelpful messages. Realize that this thought is just a thought and not an authority.

    3. Be gentle with yourself.

    Take a moment to bring compassion to yourself as you recognize and uncover the underlying emotion that is fueling these negative, unhelpful thought streams.

    4. Understand how your mind works.

    Remind yourself that the nature of the mind is to think. It is constantly producing thoughts, some of which are creative and inspired and others that are holding you captive and bringing you down. Realize that you don’t have to believe every thought that comes into your mind.

    Mindfulness, that capacity to be aware of what is happening from moment to moment, helps you guard your own mind so you can carefully choose which thoughts you let influence your choices and life.

    Man meditating at sunset image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Tips to Stay in the Now During Busy Times

    6 Tips to Stay in the Now During Busy Times

    Businessman Meditating

    “If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Have you ever had one of those days where you catch yourself rushing and not paying attention to the present moment?

    I had one of those days a few years ago.

    I had just ordered some coffee at a drive-thru and was waiting for the clerk to open the window.

    While I waited, I began plotting my plan of attack for running several personal errands. My to-do list was long, and I knew I was going to need to be efficient if I wanted to get everything done in the amount of time I had available.

    The clerk opened the window and I paid for my coffee. Then I drove off.

    A moment later, I reached down to my cup holder and realized that I’d driven off without the coffee.

    I swung back around and went through the drive-thru again. I was fortunate there was no line. I laughed and apologized to the clerk for rushing off without the coffee. “No problem,” she said. “It happens all the time!”

    I was surprised. This was the first time I had ever paid for something at a drive-thru and then drove off without it. I guess I wasn’t the only one that had done this.

    In a supercharged world where we are encouraged to multitask, it becomes more difficult than ever to be fully in the moment with what we are doing.

    If we are focused on rushing to the next event and our minds are on the future, it becomes easy to make mistakes in the present.

    In my case, I almost drove off and wasted my hard-earned money because I was paying more attention to my thoughts about my to-do list than what I was doing in the moment.

    Since that time, I have made an effort to bring more of my attention to the present moment. While it is not always easy, the following are six tips that help me stay in the moment during busy times.

    1. Relax your pace.

    After I realized my mistake at the coffee shop, I noticed how tense and anxious I was feeling about all of the things I wanted to do that day. When I paused to think about what I was doing, I realized there was really no need for me to be rushing through my day.

    I was putting pressure on myself to move fast out of habit. There was no deadline I needed to meet. I had generated all of the pressure, internally.

    As I gave myself permission to relax the pace and become more present, I felt relieved. The anxious and tense feelings melted away.

    2. Find some space.

    If you have a tendency to pack your schedule too tightly, try making a conscious effort to build some space in. You will be less likely to spend your time strategizing how you are going to get everything done and more likely to be able to be mindful in the moment.

    After I left the drive-thru coffee shop with my coffee in hand, I realized that I didn’t need to rush and run all of those errands the same day. I could space them out and allow myself a little breathing room in my schedule.

    I felt more at ease and found it easy to enjoy the rest of my day without continuing to obsess over my plans.

    3. Use mistakes as a signal.

    If you make a mistake doing something easy and familiar to you, this may be a signal that you have drifted out of the present moment.

    Go easy on yourself. It happens to most of us. Just observe what happened and gently bring yourself back to the now.

    4. Breathe.

    If you find that you have drifted out of the moment and are focused on the future or the past, try pausing and taking a few deep breaths.

    The simple act of paying attention to your breathing is an easy way to bring your focus back to what is happening in the moment.

    5. Be aware that rushing can be contagious.

    It can be tempting to join in if others are rushing, even when rushing is not in your best interest.

    For example, let’s say you are making a purchase at a retail store. The clerk has a long line and is moving fast to try to serve the customers as quickly as possible. When you reach the front of the line, you are tempted to match the clerk’s pace.

    As you speed up your pace, you lose your focus and forget to ask the clerk a question about the item you are buying. You regret rushing through the transaction later, after you remember that you forgot to get more information about the item before purchasing it.

    Try sticking with a pace that is natural for you. You will be more likely to keep your attention on what is important to you in the moment.

    6. Be compassionate with others.

    If you notice that someone has made a mistake because he or she is rushing and lacks focus on the present, try to be understanding. This can help you reaffirm your own focus on the moment.

    Many times, the person who made the mistake will acknowledge it, slow down, and come back to the present moment, like I did when I returned to the drive-thru coffee shop to claim my coffee.

    I appreciate that the clerk was kind and understanding, and I hope to pay that forward.

    Most of us have been less than fully present at one time or another.

    While being mindful in the moment can be a challenge during busy times, we will all benefit if we can practice mindfulness more often.

    Businessman meditating image via Shutterstock

  • Letting Go of Guilt About What You “Should” Be Doing

    Letting Go of Guilt About What You “Should” Be Doing

    “Beware the bareness of a busy life.” ~Socrates

    It was December 26th. The day after Christmas. Ten days after my daughter’s first birthday. I was sitting on the floor coiling Christmas lights when I began to try to stand up. Almost immediately, I sunk back down to the floor.

    I was tired. I was physically tired. I was emotionally tired. Even my soul felt tired.

    In that moment, I couldn’t help but wonder, how did I get here? Sitting on the family room floor after two beautiful family events—my daughter’s birthday and Christmas—and my bones, heart, and soul ached so much that I considered whether I would be able to stand up again.

    Six weeks after the birth of my daughter, I chose to get back on a plane and continue building my consulting business. I spent the entire first year of her life haunted by my ego as I frantically tried to build my business, serve clients, and prove that I was needed and valuable.

    The image of a successful woman that I’ve always carried with me is that of a woman who is smart, driven, professionally accomplished. She is also a Mary Poppins mom, a loving wife, and a leader in the community. And she is someone who makes it all look effortless with her calm, impeccable style.

    That superwoman was the gold standard I’d spent years, and especially the last year, trying to live up to.

    But now, on December 26th, I’d awakened only to realize that as much as I was chasing the dream of the superwoman, I wasn’t living my life.

    I came crashing headfirst into my so called life.

    The words of Socrates, beware the bareness of a busy life, were suddenly eerily real.

    I knew it was time for me to make some significant changes in my life.

    As I reflected back on that year, I realized that I had been driven by guilt and its close cousin, the “shoulds.” Together, they ignited a fire in me that drove me, ultimately filling my hours and days with busyness.

    Guilt would rear its ugly head with questions like, “Am I working too much and not spending enough time with my family?” Or “Am I undermining my health and my family’s health because a significant majority of the food consumed in the household comes from a takeout box?” Perhaps, “Am I letting down my client because I did not immediately reply to their email?”

    All I needed to do was to spend a few minutes pondering questions like these, and I was deep in the black hole of guilt—insecure, confused, miserable, tired.

    But, when I paused on December 26th, I realized that it was my fears and anxieties that were driving me. My guilt was the manifestation of both. So, I decided it was time to face my fears by asking myself, “What is the worst thing that could happen? Is it real? Is it true?”

    As I looked at my fears—really looked at them—I realized that I had created elaborate, worst case scenarios that had no actual grounding in reality. They were neither real nor true.

    I did not know a business owner who had lost a client because they did not immediately respond to an email. And, upon reflection, if I did lose a client because of this, they probably weren’t an ideal client for me.

    Once I realized that fear and anxiety had been driving my guilt, it was time for me to take an honest look at its close cousin, the “shoulds.” The “should” are those voices in your head—and you know the ones—saying “You should be doing this,” “You should like that,” “You should spend time on this,” “You should stop doing that,” and so on and so forth—endlessly.

    There were numerous unspoken “shoulds” that had contributed to my busy, barren, exhausted life.

    The problem with the “shoulds” is that they can easily become a runaway train, completely derailing your ability to get clear and focused on what you need and desire.

    I realized that I needed to start saying “no.” Saying “no” to the voices inside my head, and maybe externally as well, and doing it in a new way—a way that I developed and like to call the “P.O.W.E.R. No.”

    Here’s how I use it:

    • Priorities: When that voice in your head tells you that should complete this task, lead another project, attend another meeting, or make cupcakes from scratch, evaluate the priority of that message. How does this “should” align to your priorities, the company’s strategic priorities, and/or your family’s priorities?
    • Opportunities: Explore the opportunities. What opportunities does this “should” create for you? Is there something that does actually need additional attention in your life? This “should” could be shining a light on something that you need to address.
    • Who: Who or what triggered this “should”? Was it an old script from childhood? Was it an ad in a magazine? Was it your colleague?
    • Expectations: Whose expectations are these really? Your manager? Your mother? Your spouse? Your child? Society’s?
    • Real: Get real.What is this “should” really about? Are there real priorities that are driving this “should”? Or are you taking on societal expectations that are not in alignment with your priorities?

    The P.O.W.E.R. No enables me to think carefully and critically about all of the “shoulds” so that I can consciously and thoughtfully respond. It has helped me get back in the driver’s seat of my life—conscious, intentional, and awake.

    I am so grateful that I crashed headfirst into my life on December 26th. In that moment of crisis and confusion, I was able to see clearly what drove me to such a barren, lifeless existence—and to know that I was capable of fixing it to restore personal and professional order for myself.

    Today, I have created a life that keeps me connected to my husband and daughter, laughing, running in the mornings, building my dream business, working simply and living fully.

    With that said though, I keep Socrates’ quote posted inside my desk drawer. It serves as a as a simple reminder of not only what’s at stake, but also, and more importantly, how far I’ve come to build a life I love.