Tag: stress

Creative Types: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

“Just as much as we see in others, we have in ourselves.” ~William Hazlitt

Most days I am a dedicated writer and artist, focused and working away with my oh-so-happy hands.

Most days I feel inspired to share adventures and insights from living in Paris for over two years while going to graduate school. Or referencing the intense spiritual work and personal growth I’ve experienced in recent years. Or describing how I quit the unfulfilling rat-race to focus on my passion and my life dreams.

Most days I have confidence and pride in my personal creations and feel pretty darn good about my creative ideas. Most days I am on a roll.

Then there are the other days.

The days where I spend too much time on the Internet looking at what other people are doing and comparing their brilliance to my efforts. The days where I find myself at a library staring down the rows of books, wondering if my writing is enough. The days where I count numbers and look at blog data that isn’t quite impressive yet.

So many people are already acclaimed writers, bloggers, artists, and creative experts. Is there even room for one more?

On those days, my head gets spinning in creative comparison, and I can’t get out of it. My energy plummets down, down, down, as if sinking to the ocean floor. (more…)

May 30, 2011
How to Stop Obsessing Over Things You Want

“You only lose what you cling to.” ~Buddha

I want to be famous. I want to earn lots of money. I want boxes of expensive chocolates. I want people to like me. I want you to think that this article is the most amazing thing you’ve ever read.

Enough about me. Back to the Buddha’s quote. “You only lose what you cling to.” This doesn’t make any sense, does it? Surely you only lose what you don’t cling to?

I think there are two ways of making sense of this idea.

First, what we cling to slips away from us.

Think about soap in the bath. If you grip it very tightly, it pops right out of your hand.

If we’re really desperate for something, we’re less likely to receive it. This happens in lots of different ways.

A couple of years ago I came out of a long-term relationship and started dating. I joined an online dating agency and started getting in touch with different prospective dates.

I very quickly realized how insecure I felt. As soon as I started a conversation with anyone, I was desperate for them to like me, whether or not I actually liked them!

One man in particular seemed perfect for me from his description. He was an artist, he lived in a beautiful and remote part of the world, and he had a cute dog.

I imagined all the things that we’d have in common and all the sparkling conversations we’d have. I imagined visiting him and meeting his dog. I got a little carried away.

He could hear this desperation in my emails, and he soon drifted away before we ever began a proper conversation. I wanted a date with him so badly (or I thought I wanted it badly) that I scared him off. Like soap from your too-tight grip. Whoops! (more…)

May 17, 2011
7 Healthy Ways to Deal with Incessant Worrying

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

When you think about the future, are you filled with hope or worry? If you are like most people, it’s probably anxiety. You have largely been experiencing worry. Your mind feels unsettled.

Worry arises because you realize that you cannot predict what is going to happen tomorrow and know that you cannot have full control over how events turn out. You are uncomfortable with not having absolute certainty.

Incessant worrying happens when you find it hard to let go. You fret over the same details repeatedly. A fertile imagination causes you to play out mental scenarios of doom, failure, and fatal consequences over and over again.

I Was a Worry Wart

Well, I used to worry incessantly over the smallest of things. Before learning meditation, I did not know how to relax. Worry was my psychological mantra.

When my children were born, my anxiety levels went into over-drive. Were they eating enough? Were they having a happy time with their friends? Were they faring well in school?

I soon realized that I was not the only one. In talking with one of my girlfriends, I realized she was excessively worrying over her children, too. I noticed how tense she was. She was not fun to be with.

Eventually I knew that I needed to reclaim my sanity. Not doing so would mean continued misery. I realized that it was only when I could lose my back load of worries could I be light and free. (more…)

May 15, 2011
How to Get Past a Setback Today to Create a Better Tomorrow

“What does not kill me, makes me stronger” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

If you knew me, you’d think that I float through life without a care, that nothing fazes me, and that I don’t get stressed. For the most part this is true, but every now and then something happens that really gets to me.

We have been trying to sell our house so that we can emigrate to Australia. The house has been on the market for about two years, and we’ve had three sales fall through already. So a few weeks ago, when we had agreed on a sale price with a buyer, I felt mixed emotions.

I was excited and optimistic but I also felt stressed, hoping that this time the sale would go through but fearing that it wouldn’t.

I tried not to build my hopes up, but I also spent the week looking on the internet for jobs in Australia and checking out house rentals.

The buyers were so enthusiastic. They had worked out where their furniture would go and who would have which bedroom. The father had grown up in the village and wanted to move to be close to his mother. It was all looking good.

A week or so later, my wife texted me letting me know we received “bad news about the house.” Another sale had fallen through.

I felt low and fed up. I had absolutely no motivation. But after a few days, I decided to pull myself together and get over it.

Lately I’ve been learning to become aware of my emotions and how they can affect my actions. Knowing how I am feeling helps me to be measured in my decision making. I’ve been developing this self-awareness by reflecting on past experiences and examining my emotions and choices.

As I sit here now, looking at the “For sale” sign outside my house, I can honestly say that I am glad that another sale fell through.

It was unpleasant and it inspired all kinds of negative emotions. But it also enabled me to examine my own behavior, to become more aware of how I act when I’m stressed or feeling low, to practice being strong in tough situations, and to grow as a person. (more…)

May 8, 2011
Feel Happy and Stress-Free: 7 Simple Tips to Stay in the Now

“No yesterdays are ever wasted for those who give themselves to today.” ~Brendan Francis

Anyone can be mindful for a moment or two, but developing your mindfulness muscle means that you have to take things to a higher level.

In today’s world it’s all too easy to get distracted from what’s truly important. Wherever you go and whatever you do, you see messages designed to get you to perform a specific action and distract you from the fact that you are already whole.

There are no reminders to be mindful unless we create them.

The responsibility is in your hands. Staying in the present moment can dramatically reduce stress, increase your happiness, and give you bursts of insight that might change your life.

Ever since I’ve started becoming aware of my thoughts and staying in the now, my life has improved significantly, and I know yours will, too.

Here are a few down-to-earth tips on how to become more mindful:

1. Notice your tendencies.

You and I, we both have our unique tendencies that distract us from the present moment. I’m a worrier, so I tend to think about the future and try to solve problems before they even happen.

What are your tendencies? What kind of thoughts tend to rob you of the now?

These questions will help you become more mindful about what is going on in your head, which in turn leads to mindfulness. (more…)

May 4, 2011
5 Ways for Parents to Manage Anxiety

“I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

I thought I had relinquished anxiety after a few years of mindfulness and meditation. Then I had a baby. It is incredibly easy for us mothers to slide into permanent guilt and anxiety.

After a few minutes of watching my thoughts, I noticed they ran something like this:

“My baby is sleeping too much. Should I wake her? Oh no, she hasn’t slept enough and I woke her. I shouldn’t have woken her, I’ve ruined the day. How am I going to fix this? I can’t fix it. I have no idea. I’m a bad mother. She has no routine. I need to put her into a routine. But it’s too late! How will I do this? I should have done it earlier!”

And so on. Endlessly. Hourly. Daily. It got to the point where I didn’t feel like a caring mother unless I was worrying about something. Then I realized that my anxiety was the only thing that would damage my daughter.

Babies pick up on all of our emotions. That’s why having a child is a great opportunity to grow as a person. We care so much about our children that we don’t want to lumber them with our old habits and negative emotions. We must move past our pointless worries, but how?

I have been trying out a few mindfulness techniques and found them to be extremely helpful.

Prior to this, I was compulsively flicking through endless books by “experts” on sleep, routines, feeding, and general parenting.

None seemed to be right for the individual needs of my child, so I figured it was time to go within and discover the answers for myself. (more…)

April 9, 2011
The Gift of Anxiety: 7 Ways to Get the Message and Find Peace

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

If there’s one thing that has led me the greatest amount of re-invention, it’s anxiety. By anxiety I don’t mean worry or concern. Anxiety is a different animal that grabs a hold of you and halts you in your tracks.

We tend to reject its milder forms and are really terrified by its intense moments, like with panic attacks. It’s difficult to see when we’re fighting with anxiety that it can have any benefit, but it does.

Anxiety comes with some great treasures hidden inside, and they can be yours if you know how to get to them. First, you have to stop fighting and listen to the anxiety for clues.

Getting the Message

The greatest truth about anxiety is that it is a message. Anxiety is not the real issue. It’s the voice of something else lying beneath that’s calling out to you.

Most people who experience anxiety try to go after the symptoms more than its cause and try to fight it off as if it were the only thing to deal with.

That’s not how to go about it if you ever want to know how it happened, why it’s there, and how you can gain long-term freedom from it. (more…)

April 3, 2011
How to Stop Gossiping and Creating Drama

“If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind” –Buddha

Last week my twenty-year-old friend, Dustin, called me out when I was talking negatively about someone to a group of people.

We were sitting around a dinner table at what should have been a really good planning meeting for an upcoming yoga workshop our group was holding.

While we were excited about the out-of-town teachers who were coming to share their incredible knowledge with us for a week, we were stuck on a topic that was both irrelevant and unproductive. That topic even had a name.

For the purpose of this piece I will call her “Jessica.” She practiced with us from time to time, and in spite of the fact that she wasn’t a regular, when she did come her practice brought drama and disruption to the harmony we were trying to create.

When she didn’t show up for a class, no one seemed to mind all that much or try to get her back in the fold.

Yet somehow on this night when we had so much coming up in less than two weeks, there was Jessica, invading our conversation. I can’t remember who first brought her up, but I have to admit, I think I was the one belly-aching the most about her and what she may or may not have done.

Finally Dustin quietly piped up. “Can I say something?” he asked the group.

All eyes turned to Dustin with shock because he so rarely spoke and was never, ever, ever confrontational. (more…)

March 28, 2011
10 Steps to Simplify Your Work Life

“Life is actually really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” ~Confucius

While I have always piled a lot on my plate professionally, I’ve recently introduced more varied elements. Formerly, I may have devoted a long workweek to freelance writing, but I’m now juggling writing, consulting, editing my upcoming book, and promoting my recent eBook.

I’ve noticed that the biggest complication to my life isn’t necessarily the full, varied schedule; it’s how I think about that busy schedule.

Sometimes I let my to-do list overwhelm me, carrying the weight of the whole through all of the parts.

So, instead of just answering an email, I’m responding, thinking about the blog post I want to write later, worrying about the magazine deadline I might not make, and planning to be more effective so that I can get everything done without having to worry so much.

That’s something I sometimes do.

But on other days, I remind myself that I can’t worry my way out of worrying, and that the most effective use of any moment is to fully do whatever it is I’m doing. The rest will get done later. That, I’m learning, is the most important part of simplifying.

The first step in simplifying anything starts with how we think about it.

Of course, there’s a lot more to simplifying work than that (which I realize is ironic given that the subject matter is simplification). (more…)

March 17, 2011
Dealing with Stress: 2 Steps to Create Harmony and Balance

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.” ~Thomas Merton

“If you have aspirin, please take it now. It might be bitter, but if you’re having a heart attack, it will help.”

If I wasn’t already anxious, hearing this advice the nurse gave me certainly didn’t help. Fifteen minutes later, I was in the emergency room—a 34-year-old, physically-fit, overachieving, workaholic, enabling control freak—having the classic symptoms of a heart attack.

As I sat on the hospital bed, breathing as deeply as I could into what was happening, my mind started to race: Was it being unwittingly thrust into the role of referee between my Dad and brother last weekend?

Was it yet another significant transition in an already fast-paced and changing work environment?

Was it worrying about where to get the money for my uninsured mother to get the health care she needed for her pre-existing condition?

What was to blame? (more…)

March 15, 2011
9 Ways to Cope When Bad Things Happen

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

Have you ever experienced times when you go through just one bad thing after another? When it seems like the world is out to get you? When things go wrong no matter what you do?

You are not alone. Bad things happen to all of us too, including me. I experienced a small set back recently which I want to share with you.

Not too long ago, I was working on my upcoming eBook. It was my #1 priority project at that time and I had been working on it tirelessly, day and night. After lots of hard work, I was 90% done. At that time, it was 630 pages. (The final book was almost 800 pages.)

I was happy with the progress. Cover done, foreword written, articles in place, right order, formatting done, layout completed—it was on track to launch in a week’s time. (more…)

October 31, 2010
10 Happiness Tips for Busy People: How to Reclaim Your Joy

“Life is what happens while you are making other plans.” ~John Lennon

I am someone who enjoys doing a lot of different things, and yet I don’t always enjoy being busy. Sometimes when my schedule gets full, I feel almost as if I’ve lost a part of me.

Just like some people become codependent in relationships, I can be codependent with work. When it has my attention, everything else can easily fall to the wayside—my social life, my hobbies, you name it.

It’s all too easy to get caught up in a riptide of doing without ever evaluating what you’re sacrificing, why, and if it’s actually in your best interest.

Sometimes it is worth it, though you might need to make minor adjustments to enjoy the journey more. Other times you need to make major changes to experience the happiness you might think you’re chasing.

Here’s what I’ve been doing to ensure my busy-ness doesn’t compromise my happiness:

1. Assess just how busy you’re willing to be.

Research indicates that a key indicator of happiness is the distance between the hours you’d like to work and the hours you actually do. If you don’t want to work more than forty hours per week because you have a hobby you’re passionate about, but you’re working over three hours more than that, you will inevitably feel dissatisfied.

In some cases, this may be beyond your control. If you just can’t afford your mortgage unless you push yourself, that’s one thing. But sometimes you do have a choice; you just think it’s too difficult to make it. Downsizing or moving into a new place may seem like an unnecessary hassle, but it’s worth the uncomfortable transition if it allows you to do with your time as you’d like. (more…)

October 24, 2010
6 Tips to Deal When You Feel Out of Control: When Your World Gets All Shook Up

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

I celebrated an anniversary recently. It was the night I experienced my first, and hopefully last, earthquake.

My husband and I had retired for the evening as usual—said our goodnights and went to sleep. I was jarred awake at 2:30 AM by him trying to pull me from our bed. At the same moment I heard the most deafening roar. Could a freight train be barrelling through our loft?

Our attempts to escape the upper level were hampered by the violent shaking. As we stepped forward we were propelled side-to-side. We were being tossed like rag-dolls as we scrambled down the stairs, only to be greeted by the sound of glass objects smashing from below.

Skirting around the shards of broken stemware, we fumbled with the house keys and made our escape to the front porch. The same instant that we arrived outside, the 7.3 earthquake stopped as abruptly as it had started.

We were fortunate that our home did not collapse on top of us, that in our community there was no loss of life, and the tsunami that we were warned about never materialized.

Although we were lucky and it only lasted sixty seconds, I put earthquakes at the top of my list of things I never want to experience again.

So why celebrate the anniversary of such an event? (more…)

July 18, 2010
Challenge Week: Kill Your Stress, Befriend Yourself & Dominate Positivity

“Challenges are what make life interesting, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” ~Joshua J. Marine

Hey, I know you’re busy. Aren’t we all? But it’s time you did yourself a favor. Investing in yourself is a surefire way to give your mind a growth spurt without any stretch marks.

Take a week to reinvent your mindset. Each of these steps requires minimal effort but yield maximum reward. What are you waiting for? Let’s do this.

This “cleanse” is laid out over the course of a week, but you don’t have to follow each day in any particular order. Tailor each challenge to a specific day that works best for your schedule. After all, what good is a program you can’t stick to? No good, Charlie. No good.

Day 1: Take a walk and be unreachable.

Turn off your phone and go for a thirty-minute walk. There’s something to be said about being completely unreachable. Who’s to say that we’re available whenever someone needs us? You are. Like the rest of us, you probably carry a cell phone.

That means that anyone in the known universe can dial your number and interrupt whatever you’re doing. Important or not, it’s your life. Remember the scene in Rocky when Adrian asks to use his phone? Rocky doesn’t have a phone. “Yo. Who needs the interruption?”

Take a stand and shut off the world for a half-hour. Walk around the block and resist the urge to see what’s new on Twitter. Your Facebook status doesn’t matter right now. Walk around the block and enjoy being at the mercy of Mother Nature.

Remember, you’re not doing this to ignore someone, but to embrace no one. If it doesn’t leave you feeling refreshed and empowered, at least you got some fresh air.

Day 2: Call someone you love.

Plain and simple, right? I’m sure Aunt Flo would love to hear from you. Grandma Smith melts every time she hears your voice. Crazy Uncle Steven is having a rough day. Cheer him up. Too often we neglect the people we love the most.

Remember when Cousin Russell fell off the trampoline and broke his arm? That was hilarious. Call him and remind him. This is an easy one that can take as little as five minutes.

Staying in touch is hugely important. Friends and family are all you’ve got, so remind them that you’re keeping them in your thoughts. You’ll thank yourself later. Guaranteed or your money back.

Day 3: Compliment a stranger.

The last time I had a rough day at work, I stopped at Sprouts to grab a sandwich for lunch. Angry at the world and fed up with just about everyone, I refused to make conversation with anyone. As I walked up to the counter to pay for my BLT, the cashier looked me square in the face and said “It’s great to see you! That shirt really brings out your eyes.”

I was stopped dead in my tracks. It’s impossible to stifle a smile with a greeting like that. If you aren’t instantly cheered up, you’re either Simon Cowell or Gordon Ramsey.

Giving a compliment is the most effective way to make a difference in someone’s day. Making someone else smile will assuredly make you smile in return. Spread the joy! It could change someone’s life.

Be sure to compliment a complete stranger. It shows the three essential Cs (character, class, and courage).

Day 4: Quiet the noise. Turn off the world.

This is the most difficult challenge of the week. The rules: No texting. No talk radio. No social networks. No e-mail. You’re going to ignore every incoming piece of information possible. When you get a text, respond with a phone call.

Turn off e-mail notifications and only check your inbox in the morning and in the evening. It’s time for a mental detox. Between Twitter, Facebook, the news, and conversations with friends, there’s always a steady flow of material for your brain to process.

Take this day to turn it off and cut out the fat. The more information you expose yourself to, the less you will retain. Weeding out the pieces that don’t matter allows you to focus on the things that do. Enjoy your day today, not someone else’s yesterday.

Day 5: Eat lunch outside.

What a nice day! Find the nearest park bench and soak in some sunshine. Studies show an increase in focus, memory, and psychological health just from being outdoors. Feel the breeze. Hear the leaves rustle.

Experiencing the “now” will make you feel infinitely more connected to the universe. As cheesy as it sounds, it’s true. Being in the same environment day after day wears you down. Change it up. Soak in the rays.

Day 6: Donate.

Be honest with yourself; you’re pretty lucky. You are probably in good health, have a job, and eat three meals a day. In some countries that’s living like royalty. Why not give yourself the warm-and-fuzzies and give back?

Find a cause that interests you and give a dollar. A drop in the bucket for you could be a game changer for someone else. When life gives you lemons, give someone else your lemonade. Capisce?

Day 7: Ignore the clocks.

What time is it? Who cares. Time is of the essence. Can you imagine how stressed out cavemen would have been if they had set deadlines? Must bring food to camp by noon. Must gather nuts and berries by three. Must cook meat by five. Must invent Guitar Hero before Krom.

You’re doing the same thing to your day on a macro level without even realizing it. Go an entire day without setting a deadline. Do everything in your power to ignore what time it is. This is probably best done on a Sunday. You have an entire day to do what you will. Take the pressure off!

Easy, right? I thought so. You’ve done more this week than most people do in an entire year. You donated, exercised, made people smile, and got plenty of fresh air. Way to go, champ! You get a cookie.

Try and work some of these principles into your daily routine. I try and “tech-cleanse” at least once a month, eat lunch outside at least once a week, and give a compliment at least once a day.

If you can think of anything else, post it in the comments. Otherwise, thanks for reading! Way to take the initiative, soldier. Until next time, keep on keepin’ on.

Photo by Jon Shave

April 4, 2010
50 Things You Can Control Right Now

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” ~Unknown

CNN reports that psychic businesses are thriving in this challenging economy, and the clientele has expanded to include more business professionals who are worried about their financial future.

According to Columbia Business School’s Professor Gita Johar, who studies consumer behavior, the greatest motivation for visiting a psychic is to feel a sense of control.

Sure, there are lots of things we can’t control: businesses may fold, stocks may plummet, relationships may end—the list is infinite, really. But wouldn’t we be far more effective if we focused on all things we can control instead; if we stopped worrying about the indefinite and started benefiting from the guaranteed?

Right now, you can control:

1. How many times you smile today.
2. How much effort you exert at work, or, if you’re not working, how you think about your time off.
3. Your level of honesty.
4. How well you prepare, mentally or physically.
5. How you act on your feelings.
6. How often you say “thank you.”
7. When you pull out your wallet for luxuries.
8. Whether or not you give someone the benefit of the doubt.
9. How you interpret situations.
10. Whether or not you compete with people around you.
11. How often you notice and appreciate small acts of kindness.
12. Whether you listen or wait to talk.
13. When you walk away from a conversation.
14. How nice you are to yourself in your head.
15. Whether you dwell on negative thoughts or let them go.
16. Whether or not you form expectations of people.
17. Whether you eat healthy or unhealthy food.
18. How you respond to someone’s question or email or call.
19. How much time you spend worrying.
20. Whether you try new things or do what you’ve always done.
21. How often you move your body (if you have the privilege of being mobile).
22. How many times you swear in traffic (if you’re fortunate enough to own a car).
23. Whether or not you plan for the weather.
24. How much time you spend trying to convince people you’re right.
25. How often you think about your past.
26. How many negative articles you read.
27. The attention you give to your loved ones when you see them.
28. How much you enjoy the things you have right now.
29. Whether or not you communicate things that are on your mind.
30. How much physical stuff you accumulate.
31. What books you read.
32. Whether you honor your values or not.
33. How deeply you breathe when you experience stress.
34. How many times you admit you don’t know something—and then learn something new.
35. How often you use your influence to help people instead of focusing on building your influence.
36. When you ask for help.
37. Which commitments you keep and cancel, or, if you have to cancel many for health reasons, how kind you are to yourself when you do it.
38. How many risks you take.
39. How creative/innovative you are in your thinking.
40. How clear you are when you explain your thoughts.
41. Whether you formulate a new plan or act on your existing one.
42. How much information you get before you make a decision.
43. How much information you share with people.
44. Whether you indulge unhealthy habits or work to replace them with healthy ones.
45. Whether or not you judge other people.
46. How often you tune into your senses to pull yourself into the moment.
47. How much of what other people say you believe.
48. How quickly you try again after you fall.
49. How many times you say, “I love you.”
50. Whether you focus on what’s going right or what seems to be going wrong.

Odds are, some of these resonate with you more than others, and that’s okay. You can’t do fifty things at once anyway.

And some of these things may not be in your control, if, for example, you’re struggling with a debilitating illness. But I’m willing to bet the majority of these things are still within your grasp. The point is to focus on what you personally can control, even if your list differs from mine.

When I start fixating on something I can’t control, I pick just one of these to think about instead. Minor changes in thinking, I’ve found, lead to major changes in my reality. Do you have any to add to the list?

Photo by Steve Dean

**This post has been revised to incorporate valuable feedback from a Tiny Buddha community member.

March 21, 2010