Tiny Buddha

Tag: stress

  • How to Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No

    How to Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself” ~Sonya Parker

    I am a sucker for saying yes.

    Sometimes I even find myself thinking, “No, no, no, no” and then I blurt out, “Yes.”

    Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? It’s just a word, right?

    After feeling trapped for some time by my excessive urge to be agreeable, it got me thinking.

    I asked myself why it was so important for me to please everyone, to the point that I would feel resentful and stressed because of it.

    I realized I was afraid of saying no because my biggest fear is rejection. I was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.

    Having people think negatively of me is the ultimate rejection. Whether they say what they think of me, out loud or not, does not matter to me. It is the thought that they look down on me.

    And so I realized exactly why I found it so difficult to say no.

    I realize this is not just a challenge that I face but one that many people go through every day. It’s a heavy burden to carry because with the urge to say yes also comes a lack of self-confidence and self-value.

    If, like me, you’re having trouble saying no, this may help.

    Saying No Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Person

    Saying no doesn’t mean that you are being rude, selfish, or unkind. These are all unhelpful beliefs that make it hard to say no.

    Learning where these beliefs have come from is a great way to learn to let go of them.

    Did you ever wonder why it was so easy to say no when you were a little kid and why it has become so difficult now? What happened?

    Well, as children, we learned that saying no was impolite or inappropriate.

    If you said no to your mom, dad, teacher, uncle, grandparents, and so on, you were most certainly considered to be being rude, and you would have probably been told off for it.

    Saying no was off limits, and yes was the polite and likable thing to say.

    Now that we are all adults, we are more mature and capable of making our own choices, as well as knowing the difference between wrong and right. Therefore, no shouldn’t be an off-limits word but rather something that we decide on ourselves, based on our own discretion.

    But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs, and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.

    Knowing Your Value

    The second step to learning to say no is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others.

    I have learned that if you live your life depending on other people’s approval, you will never feel free and truly happy.

    If you depend on other people’s approval, what you are basically saying is, “Their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself.”

    If your opinion of yourself is actually quite low, remember that:

    • Your problems do not define you.
    • It’s okay to make mistakes—nobody is perfect, and everybody does things that they regret; this is what makes us human.
    • What makes a person great is not their looks or achievements, but their willingness to love others, be humble, and grow as a person.
    • You are unique, valuable, and important. No one else in this world can offer what you can.

    Is It Really Worth It?

    The third step to learning to say no is deciding if saying yes is really worth it.

    After committing to something, doubt eventually sets in, and you may begin to think of ways you can get out of it.

    And if you don’t have any good excuses, you then have to decide if you are going to tell the truth or come up with a lie.

    Think about the anguish, stress, and resentment that saying yes has caused you. Wouldn’t it be so much easier and straightforward to just say no in the first place?

    I remember this one time that I said yes to something and then later felt so bad about it that I ended up lying my way out of it. I still feel bad that I lied.

    My boss called me one day and asked if I could work the following Saturday. As usual, I blurted out a polite “Yes, of course, that’s no problem at all.” I actually had plans with my boyfriend, which I was really looking forward to.

    Later, I found myself feeling absolutely terrible about having said yes, and I wished that I had just had the guts to say no from the beginning.

    Dreading the idea of having to work that day, I called my boss back with the best excuse I could think of. I told her that I had completely forgotten that it was my dad’s birthday that Saturday and that we had a family get-together (which was certainly not the case).

    Looking back, I realize that it really isn’t worth it to say yes when you don’t want to. I have a right to say no and shouldn’t be afraid of letting other people down at the cost of my own happiness.

    If you have also decided that it’s worth it to you and want to learn to say no, try these simple yet effective tips for doing so with confidence.

    Helpful Tips for Saying No

    • Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
    • Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
    • Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
    • Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
    • Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.”
    • Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
    • Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
    • Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people.

    Learning to say no has been one of the best things I have done for myself. Not only has it challenged me to overcome my fear of rejection, it has helped me feel in control.

    I don’t feel trapped, resentful, or guilty anymore. Instead, I feel empowered and free.

    If you want that same feeling of freedom and empowerment, then take control, challenge yourself, and learn to say no.

  • Managing Anxiety: 5 Steps to Open Your Mind and Calm Your Heart

    Managing Anxiety: 5 Steps to Open Your Mind and Calm Your Heart

    Calm Woman

    “Don’t wait for your feelings to change to take action. Take action and your feelings will change.” ~Barbara Baron

    I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. From the time I was very young, I would worry about things—my life, my parents, my house, the state of the world.

    I would experience a tightness in my chest and an overall sense of fear that only got worse the more I worried. The more I worried, the more afraid I became of the unseen factors that plagued me.

    Anxiety is distress, caused by fear of danger or misfortune, and over the years this worry has driven me. It’s helped me to be high-achieving and extremely productive, all the while depleting my nervous system and creating exhaustion throughout my entire being.

    As an adult, I have recognized how this unnecessary fear has limited my ability to enjoy and be fully present within my life.

    I’ve learned that taking action, or guiding my thoughts down a more positive path, can transform my feelings to a much more grounded and peaceful place. I’ve created my own road map to navigate stress, anxiety, and worry in five steps.

    1. Slow your roll.

    When anxiety hits, everything around us seems to speed up. Physically, we feel our heart rate quicken or breath become shorter; and mentally, we might start to head down a rabbit hole of worst-case scenarios.

    When this happens, slow down. Shift activities, call a friend, watch a funny YouTube video, go for a run—anything that interrupts the cascade of worry and overwhelm that can create a mountain out of any molehill.

    2. Ask yourself: “What is true or what is actually happening right now?”

    Sometimes, just labeling exactly where you are in time and space (i.e. “I am driving to work.” “I am sitting at my desk.”), helps to refocus the brain and disrupt the physiological response that happens when stressors arise.

    Focusing on what is actually happening instead of “what if” helps us to minimize our initial reaction of panic and fear to awareness.

    3. What do I fear losing if this is true?

    Because anxiety is driven by fear, it is both empowering and helpful to label where the fear actually stems from. Many times, this can be from a fear of losing something—security, money, friendship, or love.

    By noting mentally what we are afraid might happen in a given situation, we can easier recognize the worry for what it is, most often, a fear of loss. The next time you feel anxiety coming on, it may be helpful to ask yourself which of these areas you fear losing?

    4. Where might I be limiting myself within this belief?

    As human beings, we have a tendency to focus on what is not going well, limiting our beliefs to those that focus on scarcity or lack. When anxiety is high, it can be much easier to focus on all that is wrong or bad instead of what is working or going well.

    By simply pausing and recognizing where you might be holding on too tightly or limiting your possibilities, you may notice that the picture is, in fact, much bigger than you had originally thought.

    5. Could there be a hidden gift or silver lining amidst this situation?

    We often learn from problems, mistakes, or painful events. Reminding yourself in a moment of panic that you’ve always landed on your feet can help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Envisioning yourself on the other side of this stress, lesson in hand, can be enormously helpful in actually getting you there. Sometimes simply reframing the situation to seek the lesson or hidden positive at the onset of a stressful situation can be useful in diffusing some of the anxiety.

    —

    I have learned, through years of exploring and recognizing my own anxiety triggers, how to create a sense of peace and calm even when things seem dire.

    As human beings, we are capable of creating our experience and have the power to choose whether we lead with fear and anxiety or an open heart and mind. Which do you choose? What experience will you create?

    Woman in a field image via Shutterstock

  • How to Turn Worries About the Future Into Action Right Now

    How to Turn Worries About the Future Into Action Right Now

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    After years and years of living with anxiety, I can’t tell you exactly what I have been anxious about.

    Is it a pervasive thought about how my life will end? Is it a constant worry about my financial security? Is it simply that I’m nervous to give a speech in front of people? Or a combination of all of them?

    Even thinking about anxiety causes more anxiety. Ahhh!

    Anxiety is also really hard to define. It’s so subjective.

    I don’t think my anxiety will ever truly go away. I still have thoughts about the future, and the “what ifs” still run through my mind.

    I’m not some blissful angel walking around in a constant state of Zen. At least, this is how I imagine how I would be anxiety-free. There doesn’t seem to be a cure for anxiety that works for everyone. If you find one, please let me know.

    However, I know that I am no longer miserable. It’s different now than before. There are some positive things that have worked for me.

    One of the worst parts of my anxiety was that nobody could tell I had it. When I told people, they responded, “Wow, you always seem so calm and put together.”

    That is not how I felt on the inside. Why was what I felt on the inside so different than how others perceived me? I wanted to change this, and I wanted to be comfortable.

    I have found some ways to cope with and significantly reduce my anxiety about the future. Because that is what anxiety is all about—the future. Yet, I experience anxiety in the moment, not in the future.

    Rationally, this does not make any sense. How is feeling anxious in this moment going to fix or solve any problem in the future? It can’t. Oh, how I wish it were that cut and dry.

    However, telling myself this simple fact somehow helps a little. Anxiety isn’t logical. The more I treat it that way, the less I struggle with it. Still, even if it isn’t logical, it is very real.

    I’ve found that small action steps can turn some of these thoughts into real positive change, which helps me be a little more comfortable. The best part is the more you do them, the easier it becomes. It’s like a muscle you need to keep working out.

    Here is a breakdown of action steps to take when you’re worrying about the future.

    First, acknowledge what you’re worried about.

    Let’s say I have constant anxiety about an upcoming work conference where I know I will have to interact with important people. When I acknowledge that I’m feeling anxious, and why, I can then begin to take action.

    Next, ask yourself, what I am actually afraid of, and why?

    Write it out if you’d like. In the above situation for me, it would have been the fear of passing out or throwing up as someone important approaches me or asks me a question. Why? Because I get uncomfortable in social situations and don’t want to embarrass myself.

    Imagine the worst-case scenario.

    My worst-case scenario is sweating profusely and having a room full of people laughing and pointing at me because of it. Oh, and then I’d have a heart attack. Sound crazy? Think about something unusual you have convinced yourself to be absolutely true.

    Move from fear to action.

    Ask yourself, how can I take this fear and turn it into something I can do today—something that will most likely not cause the absolute worst-case scenario to happen?

    We want to increase our odds here.

    How can I break this down into an action that will help?

    In my case, I could approach some friends at work and make conversation; nothing serious, just more than I usually do.

    Or, maybe I could go home tonight and research one of the speakers at the conference to get to know them a little better.

    If I’m feeling really brave, I could volunteer to present something small to a couple of coworkers or even to an all staff meeting.

    Maybe I could sign up for an improv class to get comfortable in front of people.

    Maybe I could just talk to someone I trust about how I’m really feeling.

    The more I take action toward that future moment, the less pervasive my thoughts.

    Think about the desire to become an expert at something. You can ruminate over and over again how you wish you could play the piano, but it won’t make a difference if you never take action and sign up for just one lesson.

    If you can do something of value at your best today, there isn’t anything about the future you need to worry about.

    You see, every single moment becomes another moment, and then becomes another.

    I’ve found that if I can do one action today toward something I am anxious about, and do it my best, that is good enough for me.

    If you take many small actions over time, when the big moment actually becomes the moment (no longer in the future), not only will it become easier to handle, but you’ll most like realize that it wasn’t worth all the stress.

    I like to think of life in this way: I don’t know how it will all end, nor do I want to. I know that I can’t control my fate. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes. And that’s okay.

    One thing I do know for sure, if I do my best today I can look forward to a future that’s much better than my worst fears about it.

  • Doing Your Best Without the Stress of Perfectionism

    Doing Your Best Without the Stress of Perfectionism

    Stressed

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H. Schuller

    Have you ever been stopped in your tracks by perfectionism? Would you rather not do something if you can’t be sure it will be perfect? Although this kind of thinking doesn’t make much sense, I understand it, because I’ve been there.

    I’d like to share with you some insights that helped me overcome my own deeply ingrained perfectionism and the unhappiness and stagnation it caused me.

    Avoiding perfectionism doesn’t mean avoiding quality work and high achievement.

    I am someone who loves making sure that even the smallest details of my work are right, and that the work I deliver lives up to my highest standards.

    I used to think that the opposite of perfectionism was doing sloppy work, so I tried that for a while, but it really didn’t sit well with me. I don’t know about you, but I like to do something well and make it good quality work, and doing something less than that makes me feel bad.

    If giving your best is what you do naturally, then doing something only half as well as you could just to avoid the trap of perfectionism isn’t going to help you. Trying this has always made me feel stressed because I was going against my nature and because I didn’t like the work I produced. So what to do?

    Who defines your “perfect”?

    I think perfectionism is really fear of being judged by others. It’s actually likely that others will judge us for what we do and say, but in most cases, we can get over it because it’s not so bad—or because we have to.

    However, a perfectionist never looks to compassionate and wise people and imagines how they might judge them! For example, when I am writing a new blog post, I never think of what my grandmother or the Dalai Lama would say about it. (It would probably be something like, “It’s wonderful that you express yourself creatively and try to help others at the same time!”)

    Instead, the people I have in mind are the cynical journalists whose articles I read (which is really my own fault) and the mean and angry people who post anonymous insults in online newspaper forums. I’m pretty sure they would actually hate what I have to say, but why do I pick them as my internal jury?

    This internal process is what I call destructive perfectionism, because it’s a way in which we beat ourselves up and possibly feel so stifled that we never even start our work, or never dare show it to anyone.

    Constructive perfectionism is the fuel you need to move forward.

    Destructive perfectionism stops you in your tracks. Constructive perfectionism allows you to start and do your best—even if a year from now you find it amateurish. That’s how great things get done; you have to start somewhere and work your way up.

    I started getting into strength training, movement art, and gymnastics over a year ago because I wanted to move as capably, strongly, and gracefully as the movement teachers I admire. I soon found that achieving this in a short time frame was highly unrealistic, meaning: For a long time I looked and felt more like an elephant doing gymnastics than an actual movement artist.

    But the vision of what is possible kept me going, and now I am a far better and stronger mover than when I started, even though I am miles away from what I want to achieve. If I had given up after one attempt because it wasn’t perfect, I’d still be a couch potato!

    In my journey away from perfectionism, I also stopped beating myself up and driving myself so far that I came by several injuries, and started enjoying the movement and the small progress I made every day.

    Maybe I will never reach the kind of athletic ability and grace that I long for, but I am enjoying the process so much and doing my health a big favor. So I hope you take this to heart and start enjoying yourself by doing what you love and giving it your best.

    Life is too short to miss out on the pleasure of doing something well just because others might judge you or you might not get it right. As they say: Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

    Photo by Helga Weber

  • Some Things Take Time: Slow Down and Stop Pushing

    Some Things Take Time: Slow Down and Stop Pushing

    Silence and Stillness

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    As life speeds up, as we check our phones and Twitter feeds for instant gratification, as we seek out another spiritual practice in the promise of evolving even faster, we have lost sight of something quite fundamental.

    Some things just take time. This can apply to relationships, business, and, in my experience, it especially applies to spiritual awakening.

    Yes, our practices such as meditation, dance, service, and energy work can support us on our soul journey. But rushing our development can even result in us taking one step forward and two steps back.

    And, most importantly, it will likely just happen anyway—if we get out of the way and allow it.

    I know this firsthand.

    When I felt the call to start developing my spiritual practice, the quirks of my overachieving personality took center stage. I quickly found out that there were sankharas to pluck out, energy centers to unblock, past life traumas to heal, and old soul contracts to wrap up.

    And I wanted this all sorted out ASAP, thanks.

    So I went from an occasional meditation practice to spending upward of two hours on the cushion every day, and chanted several times a week.

    I spent every single spare moment practicing and developing my newfound energetic skills. I declined social invitations so that I could concentrate totally on the latest text that had fallen into my hands.

    I don’t regret any of this. I learned a lot and it was my path.

    But after a couple of years, I realized that my approach to my practice was perhaps a bit obsessive; that it could just be another manifestation of the way that I had been living before “waking up,” as I had termed it.

    I thought that if I threw all my might at my spiritual evolution, then I might master this new way of being more quickly, and more effectively. Yet under the guise of spirituality, I was just playing out my old patterns.

    The result? I was increasingly ungrounded. I spent days feeling totally knocked around by major energetic “clearings.”

    I was slowing myself down, or at least not really assisting the flow of what wanted to move through me. And I was just as over-the-top about succeeding as ever, this time, at my practice rather than in my career.

    I eventually realized that spiritual evolution is not like a report or book that you can write faster if you stay up late. You can’t force this type of evolution. It’s not the type of thing that you can control.

    This type of evolution is perfect. It’s like a delicate flower, which unfolds at its own pace, to the rhythm of its own internal clock.

    I came to this gradual realization, surprisingly, while pursuing a doctorate in women’s well-being and justice after violence.

    This involved deconstructing everything I knew—being prepared to ask the hard questions and receive the answers; asking some big questions of myself, too, and being prepared to hear the answers.

    It really involved a deepening of my understanding of myself and my spiritual practice. I started to appreciate which of my old patterns I had been inadvertently repeating, and which of my tendencies were actually not serving me.

    The doctoral process also taught me how to play the long game and how to let go—working alone every day and inching along with my ideas; waiting for months, sometimes, to receive any feedback from my supervisors; spending months and months writing thousands of beautifully edited, referenced words that never made it into the final product.

    Now, there are much less resource-intensive ways to learn this than through pursuing an advanced degree. Just bringing your awareness and being honest about whether you are playing out your existing patterns is the first step.

    And if you notice that you have a tendency to rush your process, make the decision to slow down. Once you realize that the timing of your expansion, or growth, or awareness is perfect, you will relax.

    When you fully internalize that the journey is just as important as the destination, you’ll know that you’re on the right path.

    In relaxing, and in getting out of my own way, I’m much more receptive. I don’t worry about how long things will take. I trust that it will all happen perfectly.

    I don’t push as hard now, and yet more opportunities seem to fall into my lap. My creativity flows. My life is much more fun. And my experiential understanding and my practices continue to deepen.

    It’s actually quite magical.

    Life becomes easier and far more fulfilling when we slow down and let things happen instead of pushing ourselves to make things happen.

    Photo by Lisa Omarali

  • How to Rise Above Difficult Circumstances and Be Happy

    How to Rise Above Difficult Circumstances and Be Happy

    Rise Up

    “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl

    I first got wind of this transformative concept when I was a teenager reading Man’s Search For Meaning.

    It has played beautifully into what has become my life theme: how people transcend their adversities. I’ve forever been inspired by how (some) people can go through so much and yet be able to rise above and live well. I call it living well despite…

    It seems to boil down to something beyond circumstance and external situations. Because, as we all know, there are so many people who have gone through terrible situations and yet manage to be upbeat and strong, and push forward in their lives; and yet others who sink into perpetual disappointment and despair. It seems to be a natural tendency to go one way or the other.

    When I went through some of my darkest times—having a child born with disabilities and having the same child go through a year-long near-fatal medical crisis, whose outcome was nothing short of miraculous—it was Viktor Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” that I kept going back to, and that definitely helped me stay afloat and cope well.

    With my former dark time, I fell pretty deep into despair, and only with the intense help of a gifted therapist was I able to get through the initial grief and grow into my new reality.

    With the latter situation, I incorporated specific actions and thought patterns to help me along the terrifying year of my daughter’s life-threatening illness.

    What makes some become better and some bitter?

    I now have a new piece of fascinating information that ties in to my life theme.

    I recently completed a certificate program in positive psychology. There is much proven research on just how much we can do to give ourselves that meaningful and joyful life we all naturally want; or I should say, that happiness we are all after.

    Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychologist and researcher in the field of happiness and well-being, came up with a pie chart representation showing the three determinants of happiness. Lo and behold, circumstance is the smallest piece of the pie, at only a 10% contributor to our happiness.

    Our genes make up 50%. And here’s the most powerful and influential piece of the pie: our behavior, our intentional activities, make up 40% of our happiness. This can really be the make-or-break part.

    This means there’s a lot we can do to increase our life satisfaction, above and beyond our circumstances, negative as they may be.

    So yes, we can rise above our difficult situations and we can become better, by first and foremost recognizing and acknowledging that we are not victims but rather active players and creators of our playing field, and then by intentionally reconstructing our views.

    Purpose

    As Nietzsche wrote, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how.” We always need a reason to go on, especially when the road is slippery under our feet. It’s all too easy to fall and succumb. But just having this stick to hold onto to guide us can keep us on the path.

    When my daughter was in a rehab hospital for nine months, what got me up each and every morning was the explicit purpose of being by her side as a cheerleader, encouraging her on her tough fight and climb up the mountain of human functions—from lifting her finger to walking again. It was a very steep ascent, one that entailed lots of grueling work.

    Benefit-Finder

    It seems to be human nature to have a slant toward the negative. It’s very easy to spot the faults and issues in things. The good news is that even if we weren’t born a glass-half-full person, we can train ourselves to see more of the positive.

    It’s about what we focus on. What do you hone in on—the rose or the thorn? When we take in the beauty of the rose, we start to notice other beauty around us. More comes into our purview.

    Positive psychology professor, Tal Ben-Shahar states, “When you appreciate the good, the good appreciates.”

    Permission to be Human

    This means allowing ourselves to feel the gamut of emotions—the unpleasant ones that sometimes drive us to suppress them by numbing means, and the good ones.

    Restricting the flow of painful feelings impedes the flow of the positive ones, for human emotions all flow through the same pipeline. We are blessed with a rich emotional make-up. We need to give ourselves permission to feel. This helps create a rich, authentic life.

    Once we are aware of our feelings, we can then choose how we act and respond.

    Choose to Choose

    At every moment we have a choice. Are we even aware of this? We can choose to take things for granted or appreciate the good; we can choose to view failure as a catastrophe or as a learning opportunity; we can choose to succumb or make the best of what happens.

    We can walk in the street with our head down (in our phones) or look up and smile at people, which sends in and out positivity.

    “Things don’t necessarily happen for the best, but some people are able to make the best of things that happen.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar

    So, when the rough times come or the bad things happen, are we able to find or make some good? Can we find the silver lining? Can we look to make lemonade out of lemons?

    When adversity hits, we can become better; we can rise above; we can even grow beyond and do things we never thought we could. We now know it’s more in our power than we may like to believe.

    It may sometimes feel easier to be a victim, but it’s certainly not a role that leads to a fulfilling, satisfying, and meaningful life.

    Our choices, both concrete and attitudinal, make up this 40% of the pie, and this can make us better above and beyond the other half.

    Photo by Llima Orosa

  • How to Beat Panic Attacks: 3 Simple Mindfulness Techniques

    How to Beat Panic Attacks: 3 Simple Mindfulness Techniques

    “By living deeply in the present moment we can understand the past better and we can prepare for a better future.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    When I was in high school, a hit-and-run car accident changed my world. My boyfriend at the time lost his nineteen-year-old brother to the accident. I had never met his brother, but it didn’t matter; a dark veil had been cast over my life.

    In the days, weeks, months, and years following the accident, I sank into a deeper and deeper depression. I started to have panic attacks and I cut myself daily, trying to feel anything other than terror and despair. I sought treatment, met with therapists, tried dozens of medications, and routinely turned back to alcohol when nothing worked.

    Before long, I fell in love with a man who was also deeply depressed. Six months after our marriage, I found him collapsed on our living room floor after trying to kill himself by overdosing on his medication.

    I called the authorities, supported him through the ensuing hospital stay, and turned right back to my unhealthy methods of dealing with the pain.

    For years, I muddled through the darkness, thinking I was destined to lead a miserable existence. Over and over, I told myself life would have been so much better if that hit-and-run accident had never occurred. I was convinced it was the one pivotal factor that had destroyed my life.

    Eventually, the stress of living this way caught up with me. In addition to the depression and anxiety, I began to have migraines, uncontrollable nosebleeds, and excruciating muscle pain. I went to doctor after doctor and at one point was taking seven prescription medications every day, with no relief in sight.

    Finally, it was clear I needed to take a different course of action. I decided to look into meditation. Before long, I had accumulated three meditation methods to try.

    The first method was a simple practice of closing my eyes and counting each breath. I tried this until it became evident that I could never get past the number one before my brain started reliving events from my past. Closing my eyes, it seemed, took me too far away from the present moment.

    Instead of closing my eyes, I had more success keeping my eyes open and silently but consciously acknowledging my surroundings. Whether I was at home, on the train, or walking down the street, I could practice mindfulness by saying, “Hello, carpet,” or “Hello, tree,” and I was immediately grounded into the present.

    Perhaps it seems strange to greet inanimate objects, but it helped me maintain a more immediate experience of the present moment, so I went with it.

    After that, I tried body scan meditation, or moment-to-moment awareness of sensations within the body. Taking some time to recognize sensations as they occurred turned out to be a great help in training my mind to accept and acknowledge discomfort until it passed. Seeing that discomfort was a passing experience was a life-changing realization all on its own.

    Throughout my meditation experiments, I continued to have trouble staying present for more than a few seconds at a time, but I could see it was beginning to have some benefits.

    When I returned to counting breaths, I began to reach two or three or sometimes even ten. With growing faith that mindfulness meditation was having a positive effect on my life, I kept meditating until finally one day my meditation was interrupted by the sound of an ambulance siren.

    As I listened to the siren, I felt a panic attack coming on. The siren made me think back to the day of the hit-and-run accident, and when I finally let go of that thought, I thought back to the day of my husband’s suicide attempt.

    I braced myself against the panic attack and desperately tried to remember a mindfulness technique I could employ in that moment.

    During a panic attack, bodily sensations are extreme, so it made sense to me to try and focus on body awareness and how I was relating to my surroundings.

    Despite the inner voice that kept telling me I was going to die, I resolved to experience this panic attack mindfully, from beginning to end. I turned my attention to my breathing and faced that panic attack like it was an ocean wave I was going to allow to wash over me.

    While every muscle in my body began to tighten, I consciously tried to let go of the tension and simply notice what was happening in my body, without judgment or blame.

    Almost instantly, I experienced a massive muscle spasm that made my entire body lurch. Awareness of my surroundings became a feeling that I was falling through the floor, and I worried this really was the panic attack that would kill me.

    But then, the panic, the terror, and all that muscle tension passed through my body in what I can only describe as an enormous wave of energy.

    I felt that wave pass from the top of my head through every last finger and toe, and just as suddenly as it had begun, the panic was gone. As I returned to my breathing, I listened again to the siren and, for the first time, I heard a siren that had nothing to do with me or my past. I heard a siren that was a siren and nothing more.

    In the five years since this experience, I haven’t had a single panic attack. In my case, panic was an extreme expression of resistance to thoughts and memories I didn’t want to experience. When I learned to stop resisting, I learned to beat panic.

    I can’t guarantee that anyone else’s experience will be the same, but perhaps I can share some suggestions based on what worked for me. If you are one of the millions of people in the world who suffer from panic attacks, here are a few methods you can try the next time you feel one approaching.

    Counting Breaths

    Notice your breathing. Is it rapid and shallow? Is it becoming shallower the more you panic? Take a moment to close your eyes and turn your attention to counting breaths.

    If you find you are counting very quickly, see if you can focus on just one or two long inhalations and exhalations. Don’t worry if you can’t get past one or two. If you notice your mind has strayed from counting, congratulations! You have experienced a moment of mindfulness under extremely challenging conditions.

    Acknowledging Your Surroundings

    If, like me, you find that closing your eyes makes you panic more, open your eyes and start acknowledging your surroundings. Say hello to your hands, your feet, the ground, the ceiling, a chair, a tree, or anything at all you spot around you. If you feel like this is ridiculous, it is! Allow yourself to chuckle and have a sense of humor about it.

    Body Awareness

    Turn your attention to what you are feeling in each part if your body. Are your muscles tightening? Can you feel your fingers and toes? What happens if you try to wiggle them? Does the sensation change as you continue to breathe in long inhalations and exhalations? Whatever you are feeling, try to let it happen without resistance.

    —

    What I learned from my experience was a lesson I will not soon forget: I only found my inner strength when I stopped trying to fight.

    Panic gains momentum from the energy we put into fighting it, and the fact is, we don’t always need to fight it. Life happens to you and me as it happens to all people, whether we are ready for it or not, and all we really need to do is be open to experiencing it one moment at a time.

  • Releasing Pressure and Expectations to Make Room for Life

    Releasing Pressure and Expectations to Make Room for Life

    Free

    “For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.” ~Thích Nhat Hạnh

    My husband and I bought our first house two years ago. Expecting a child and excited to move on to the next stage in our lives, we listed all of the ways we would make the house perfect.

    As first-time homeowners and parents, we assumed this list was manageable. Surely the house could be painted in a weekend! Of course we can get work done while the baby naps!

    Indeed, it seemed manageable and, therefore, (to me) mandatory.

    To kick off the home improvements, we tested a few new paint colors on the wall in the hallway, and they are still there today. For two years I looked at that paint and reminded myself of what I didn’t accomplish. What were once radiant, bold, and playful colors had become glaring, critical, and mocking.

    It can be easy for our expectations to get the better of us. What may have begun as aspirations transform into laws that must be followed precisely. Who we are and how we live are suddenly not enough.  

    Our internal critic bombards us with well-rehearsed and compelling judgments and criticism. Expectations and judgments masquerade as the truth and influence our emotions and our actions. It can be difficult to detect when our expectations don’t really match reality.

    Upon reflection today, it’s clear to me that we had no idea what we were in for when we made that list two years ago; yet, these expectations had become non-negotiable. Where was the room for living in these expectations?

    Discrepancy between our expectations and reality can be uncomfortable. We may blame ourselves and tighten our grip on our expectations. We believe that it is only once they are met that we can let go and be happy.

    It is also tempting to place blame on another person or our circumstances. Again, we believe that if only he/she/it/this would change, we could let go and be happy.

    The trick in all of this is that there will always be new expectations to be met preventing us from letting go and truly embracing our lives.

    While I struggled with this discrepancy between what should be and what really is, my daughter smiled at the paint on the wall. She doesn’t know what we were “supposed to” finish. She doesn’t know how a wall “should” be.

    My moment of clarity came when she looked up at the wall and triumphantly stated, “Green! Red! Purple!”

    I asked myself then how the same paint on the wall could hold such a different meaning to me. If the walls were painted, what would really be different? Not only that, but what did this unfinished wall make possible and what had I been missing all this time?

    I realized then that the wall more accurately reflects the richness of my life than it does any shortcoming of mine. This wall reflects dancing in the living room and weekends at the park, not failure as a person. I was inspired then to frame the paint on the wall rather than wish it were gone.

    It was both liberating and humbling to acknowledge that this isn’t about the paint on the wall at all. This is about me. It is not the paint that needs to be changed, but what I see when I look at it.

    We can be easily persuaded by the false promises that control and perfection make. We can forget that perfection will never be achieved, and we mistakenly believe that this means we are not enough.

    We might even believe that our self-talk, as negative as it may be, is reality. When thinking errors overshadow the good that is within our lives, it can seem that life must always be something else.

    To find release from the emotional toll of the “shoulds” and “good enoughs,” we focus on what must be different: ourselves, a loved one, a stranger, circumstances, or that irksome wall.

    Why is this so hard to change? Change often brings with it the fear of the unknown. Change is not certain.

    However, when we can change this, not only do our expectations change, but so do our happiness, contentment, and gratitude for what is. We are more likely to fully see things as they are when we can detach ourselves from unyielding expectations.

    We are free to live when we make room for life.

    To begin to see your “wall” through different eyes:

    1. Remind yourself that you are enough.

    It isn’t even necessary to be good enough. You are simply enough.

    We might need to remind ourselves of this often. After all, that inner critic has had a lifetime to develop.

    2. Slow down and take notice of your self-talk.

    What has your inner critic convinced you of? Explore this question with curiosity, not judgment or criticism.

    When we can do this with non-judgmental curiosity, we are able to see with clarity and compassion. We can begin to identify those things we tell ourselves that just make us feel worse and don’t change anything anyway. We can reduce our suffering, even in a naturally painful situation.

    3. Reevaluate your expectations.

    Have you made room for life? Do you have new information now that you didn’t have before? Are these expectations compatible with your priorities?

    When we can make our expectations more fluid, we have the freedom to live in the present moment, and enjoy it. We are free to decide what our life is about, and we are free to change our minds about this at any time.

    4. Get at the underlying fear.

    What are you really afraid of these “walls” revealing? Are these fears accurate?

    Quite often, our fears take the form of “what if” and “what this says about me.” Even when there appears to be a kernel of truth behind the fear (after all, it was true that I hadn’t painted that wall), there is more to the story. The belief that we are unworthy, irresponsible, weak, unlovable imposters is simply a fear, not a fact.

    5. Consider how this “wall” might be described in your biography.

    What is the whole story? How boring would the biography be if it were just about a wall?

    Perhaps we are focused on the small, inconsequential details of life. Perhaps we take our lives for granted. Intentionally taking a step back and really looking is how we get to appreciate the fullness of life.

    Although taking these steps requires the conscious effort to make a change, the result is far more rewarding than a newly painted wall could ever be.

    Photo by Graham

  • 4 Faulty Beliefs That Cause You to Push Yourself and Do Too Much

    4 Faulty Beliefs That Cause You to Push Yourself and Do Too Much

    Relaxing

    “Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you.” ~John De Paola

    Do you ever work past the point where you know it’s time to stop? Where your body, heart, and soul are saying, “Ah, enough already,” only you can’t hear them because your mind is pushing you on?

    And have you ever pushed to such an extent you become physically and/or mentally sick?

    My hand is raised.

    Working hard and pushing the boundaries can be stimulating and rewarding; the problem comes when there’s an imbalance for extended periods.

    Meditation and silence are increasingly advocated as ways to find balance in today’s hyper-connected, “always on” world. But for those of us with a propensity to work till we drop, there’s more to it.

    These four common, though faulty beliefs get to the heart of why it can seem so hard to stop, rest, and rejuvenate.

    Faulty Belief # 1: I have to keep going.

    It’s easy to think you have to keep going, when usually, you don’t.

    “I have to finish my degree.”

    “I have to … ”

    “I have to …”

    The human mind loves to make plans and stick to them, no matter what. The problem is that our mind thinks these things will strengthen our identity and make us feel good.

    This is reinforced by a world focused on achievements, not one that values us for just being.

    It’s often easy to just stop or change course. But we don’t; we become rigid.

    Dogged determination can be useful, like when writing a book, or even this article; if I stopped every time it got difficult, I’d never finish anything. But sometimes the plan isn’t a good one. Sometimes such determination isn’t healthy or useful.

    I spent years thinking the road to “success,” and therefore happiness, was a college degree. But that’s all it was, a thought, a belief. A rule I’d made for myself that simply wasn’t true.

    Who knows if leaving college would have been a less painful route; I just wish I’d seen it as a viable option. Would it have been such a bad thing to get my Masters degree in six years instead of five? Or to not get it at all?

    If you’re feeling strung out, ask yourself, do I really want to do this—not just the assignment, but the degree; not just paying the mortgage, but the house?

    Take notice of what your gut is saying. Can you feel what the right thing for you is?

    And even when there are things you have to do—though really there are very few and they usually involve caring for dependants—they can often be modified so you can reduce your load.

    Keep an eye out for long held beliefs and notice how uncomfortable it feels to consider a new tack.

    It feels scary to go against what your mind says. Why? Because you don’t know what’s going to happen. But in truth, you never do.

    Faulty Belief #2: I’m essential.

    No, you’re not.

    Handsome, talented, and deeply lovable, yes. But essential? No.

    This is a bit embarrassing, but a few years ago if you’d said to me, “You have to come to my party because it won’t be as fun without you,” I would have believed you.

    I could have just arrived back from a two-month trans-arctic trek and I’d still have hobbled in on frostbitten toes trying to be funny and charming. Aside from suffering from an extreme case of self-importance, I didn’t want to let people down.

    I thought I needed a reason to say no. A real reason. Not just, “I feel like writing poetry tonight.” Something big.

    “I have the mumps.”

    “I’ll be in Fiji.”

    But saying no and taking time out isn’t selfish. Putting other people’s needs ahead of your own, especially long-term, doesn’t help anyone. It’s dishonest, it makes you feel resentful, and you miss out on the wonderful things that happen when you rest.

    Consider that you’re not as essential as you think you are. Delegate. Get help where you need it.

    (This applies in the workplace too.)

    Your friends will understand. They want you to look after yourself. And the party/school reunion/church fete you don’t want to go to—everyone will get along just fine without you.

    The only thing you’re essential to is you.

    Faulty Belief #3: My mind is a wise guide.

    Most of us are brought up to believe our thoughts are the best guides for our life. And so we spend our days and weeks doing what seems logical.

    —If I go to the party, people will like me and be there for me when I need them.

    —If I get a bigger car/taller horse, I’ll get a prettier girlfriend.

    (You probably won’t, you know. You might just get one that cares more about your car/horse than you.)

    The problem is—as you may know—the mind is inherently insecure. It wants you to take the safest route, following others or repeating what you always do.

    If working without adequate rest has been modeled as the way to be successful, or if you habitually push yourself hard, then your mind will want you to continue doing this.

    Thankfully, there is another side to us that is often a better guide than our mind. Our heart. I’m not talking about the romantic heart—though this is part of it—but the bit of us that knows, deep down, what’s right for us.

    The challenge is our heart speaks more quietly than our intellectual side, often in the form of a hunch or deep knowing. And because the guidance doesn’t always appear logical, we can easily dismiss it.

    For instance, when you have the idea that you’d like to write songs, that is your heart. The thought you get immediately after, saying, “You can’t even play an instrument,” that’s your mind.

    When I get an inclination to rest, my mind almost always thinks it’s a bad idea.

    But the more I practice ignoring my mind’s taskmaster-like tendencies, the more I trust my inner wisdom. Not only do I feel more refreshed and enthused, I get ideas and see opportunities I miss when I’m in full swing.

    Faulty belief #4: There’s something wrong with me that keeps me going so hard.

    I used to wish I was the kind of person who naturally moved more slowly, and who didn’t wake in the morning with their “on” switch already dialed up.

    I don’t think this anymore. (Well, not often)

    I’ve come to believe there’s nothing wrong with emerging at the end of the day weary and happy. I love my energy and enthusiasm and good intentions. Finding balance isn’t about trying to stop that flow, but working with it.

    I have to factor in stops. Things like turning off my phone and laptop in the evening, going hiking in the weekend, or even something as simple as doing the laundry in a relaxed, pottering way.

    For those times when it’s harder to shift gears, try just sitting, staring into space. It’s a great way to reconnect. Looking at things like social media, does it recharge you or make you feel discharged?

    Celebrate your zestiness! But look after yourself too. You really will get more done and you’ll feel better while you’re doing it.

    And when you forget and overdo things—my hand is up again—don’t worry. It’s no big deal. Us over-workers also tend to overwork at being hard on ourselves!

    Photo by Gerry Thomasen

  • Now is Not Forever: Weathering Uncomfortable Feelings

    Now is Not Forever: Weathering Uncomfortable Feelings

    Weathering the Storm

    “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

    I recently found myself ruminating about a difficult situation at my new workplace. Considering my high-flying, achievement-oriented personality, the recipe for my malcontent was predictable: A supervisor had disagreed with me, and I left work that day feeling melodramatic and like I wanted to quit… that day.

    I thought, “I am so misunderstood. No one ‘gets’ what I am doing. I am not cut out for teamwork. Why do I hate working so much? I thought this job was the one. Will I ever find a job that satisfies my inner longings for connection and creativity?” And so on.

    I wore the little thundercloud around my head all evening, until I remembered the birthday of a good friend and contacted her to wish her well. As we talked, we began to reminisce about her birthday the previous year, and our conversation viscerally triggered a flood of memories.

    In the twelve months between her succeeding birthdays, I had left a toxic work environment, started a business with my husband, self-published a short book, launched a commercial website, and had also been accepted into my first-choice graduate program. Suddenly, my work conflict seemed a bit less dramatic.

    I was left feeling humbled and filled with gratitude. Due to the nature of life itself—change—and with the help of significant work on my part, the current “weather” in my emotional life was only partly cloudy, not a hurricane. However, I had become so accustomed to my newfound peace that I expected perfection rather than stability.

    I have often heard the emotional landscape compared to weather—we cannot control it, but we do have power over our reactions to it.

    Rain is not a disaster if I remember to bring an umbrella… or don’t mind getting wet. Similarly, my conflict with my supervisor was a fluffy rain cloud scuttling across a generally blue sky—passing as quickly as it arrived, but not fast enough for me!

    Being mindful of the transient nature of feelings and events is very important for our emotional health. I can summarize it in one phrase that has helped me tremendously: “Now is not forever.” Addressing this principle in my life has consisted of three primary concepts:

    1. Embrace the evolving, shifting nature of life to help gain perspective instead of making generalizations.

    When I am in the funk of a bad day (or month, or year), it is dangerously easy for me to create “Aha!” moments in which I diagnose the source of my most acute problems and focus all blame on people, places, and things. I can become surprisingly creative!

    For me, perspective means adjusting my lens. Instead of allowing a difficult situation to consume my entire field of vision into eternity, I must gently remind myself that whatever is current will expire.

    Also, because it is my tendency to externalize blame, it is important for me to welcome difficult situations as a part of my life’s journey.

    These teachers, whether they are challenging work environments, personal relationships, or illnesses, are constantly in flux, for all of us. Our problems today will not be our problems next year.

    2. Take mindful action.

    When we take mindful action, we take advantage of opportunities to improve our lives.

    Sometimes I suffer from one of life’s storms because I am unnecessarily subjecting myself to pain, as though I am standing outside in a hurricane and complaining about the wind!

    Sometimes action can be tiny steps that transform your entire outlook. I have deeply developed my resilience through my practices—yoga and intentional self-work. These skills help me to weather tough times.

    However, occasionally a situation calls for more dramatic change. For example, my former job was like a house with a leaky roof—every time it rained, I got hit with the deluge, and no amount of mindfulness or yoga could change that. Changing jobs was a positive way of acknowledging that I was not in control of my work environment, but I could choose to put myself in the best one possible.

    3. Give service.

    Sometimes we need to enlarge our world and our perceptions by putting our time, effort, and talents into improving the lives of others.

    For me, service work both connects me to other people who share similar life wounds and reminds me to practice gratitude. When I move my focus from my own frustrations to helping others, whether it is volunteer work or simply meeting a lonely friend for coffee, I gain an expansiveness that calms my angst.

    It makes my world bigger, but it’s not just about making my problems smaller. It’s about the power of connection.

    Suffering may be part of the human experience, but our problems, flaws, and tragedies pull us closer to other people and to the divine.

    Whether I struggle with the trauma of grief or the garden-variety frustrations of stress, giving to others reminds me that my individual story line intersects with thousands of others in a web of common experience, as well as common transcendence.

    This—whatever this is—is not everything. But it is inevitable. Just as dark storm clouds roll across the horizon, experiences pass in and out of our lives with regularity and seeming unpredictability.

    When we make the decision to embrace change, we give ourselves the gift of truly enjoying the present, because it is essential to remember that the sunny weather comes and goes, as well.

    This year, when my reminiscence was sparked, my circumstances had dramatically improved, and I was reminded to be thankful for the positivity that currently surrounds me. I was able to see a small work conflict for what it was—a temporary cloud that would soon slide away, probably within a day. The sky is blue, warm, and waiting behind that cloud.

    But next year when I call my friend for her birthday, she will be preparing to relocate across the country. I am not looking forward to her eventual absence, but when I accept change as a consistent part of life, I see the next twelve months with a renewed perspective.

    The result is that I am inspired to celebrate the present, rather than cling to it, because, to be frank, what are my other options?

    The story of my life is going to evolve with or without my permission, and I would prefer to be involved and engaged in its processes rather than unexpectedly find myself in an unfamiliar life that somehow changed form while I was looking away.

    I cannot (nor can any other human on the planet) predict which days, months, or years will hold more sunshine than rain, or vice versa. But when we enlarge our perspective, engage in active participation, and give service to others, we allow ourselves to move with grace, wisdom, and resilience in the shifting emotional horizons of our lifetime.

    Photo by eddi van w

  • 5 Unusual Ways to Meditate for Simple Daily De-stressing

    5 Unusual Ways to Meditate for Simple Daily De-stressing

    Dancing Meditation

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    Meditating even for just two minutes every day could help reduce your anxiety, calm your mind, and energize the senses. That’s two minutes of your twenty-four hours. Two minutes that could lengthen your life as you get rid of the negative energy surrounding you and welcome the positive.

    Contrary to what you may think, meditation doesn’t have to be in an empty house or room overlooking gorgeous scenery. It would be a bonus, yes, but I have proven that you can clear your mind even while doing these seemingly mundane tasks.

    Let me share with you my not-so-secret ways of meditating that have always drawn more than their fair share of curiosity simply because they’re not among the most common practice.

    1. Riding the bus or train to work.

    I used to commute a lot. On some days, I would people-watch—create stories in my head about the people I commute with. Most of the time, I would listen to music. Until one day, while one of my favorite songs was playing, my mind just drifted away.

    I wasn’t even concentrating, not even paying attention to my breathing. I just felt a sense of calm wash over me. That has been one of the most peaceful five minutes of my life.

    Use long stretches of travel to meditate. A five-minute journey into your self wouldn’t make you miss your stop. Instead, it will help reduce the noises of life so you can easily receive the signals that have meaning.

    2. Eating a meal.

    How could you meditate while eating a meal? I can hear that question in your head. For some of us who are used to eating with the whole family, or with a big group during lunch at work, it may seem highly unlikely, as we love exchanging stories and how-our-day-has-beens.

    You don’t have to keep quiet when you meditate while eating, though. You can be with family and friends but still be able to achieve that calm to silence any turbulent thoughts you may have. Eating has become a hurried, mindless task for most of us that it has been reduced to open mouth, shove food, and swallow.

    Smell your food, feel its texture as you chew slowly. Is it tangy, too sweet, or too salty? The trick is to be in the moment, being aware of the sumptuous feast before you. Savor it. Enjoy it as it goes down to your body to nourish it. Eating is not a race; slow down.

    Once you have mastered this, you’ll find that eating has become more pleasurable. You’ll also discover that you’ll eat less, as you are more in tune with your body’s needs.

    3. Taking long showers.

    They say some of the best ideas come up in the shower. Maybe it’s because showers don’t only cleanse our physical body but our mental state as well. The spray of the shower, the smell of your favorite shampoo scent all these contribute to the wonderful feeling of being one with the universe.

    When I am feeling particularly troubled, I soak in the tub for a good fifteen minutes to soothe tired muscles and confused mind. The warm water entices the soul, helping draw the bad energy away so you are left with renewed spirits, being able to welcome great ideas.

    4. Dancing to your favorite tune.

    Dance or kundali meditation is one of the more popular, albeit a little unusual, ways to meditate. No, it doesn’t involve chanting or keeping still, but it gives you the chance to break free from whatever’s ailing you.

    Dancing, while not one of my strongest suits, allows you to let go of the tension building inside your body and get in touch with your inner self. There are actually dancing meditation soundtracks you can move to, but I would recommend something familiar that you could actually sing along with or better associate with for the full experience.

    5. Creating Lego figures.

    As I have mentioned above, mechanical activities imitate the meditative quality of chanting. I have found, during one of those rare times I actually sat down and tinkered with my Lego pieces again, that it’s a great way to lose one’s self.

    Once you have poured all your attention into all the details of your creation, you block out noise and ignore the rest of the world. We practice meditation to promote relaxation and build internal energy or life force. Taking all your Lego pieces to assemble something out of it is a great and fun way to de-stress.

    See, not too bad, yes? We can all have the time to take leisurely baths or take pleasure while having dinner. Commuting doesn’t have to be such a torture. We can use these activities to go deeper into the recesses of our mind and body and find that inner peace we need to be more productive and energetic.

    Photo by Misha Masha

  • 5 Ways to Let Go of Worries So You Can Be Light and Free

    5 Ways to Let Go of Worries So You Can Be Light and Free

    Man Flying

    “I vow to let go of all worries and anxiety in order to be light and free.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Our daughter is seeing a counselor to help her deal with anxiety. She’s only ten. Cue mother guilt.

    There are a whole lot of (mostly crazy) worries running around her little head, some that even I can’t wrap my head around. So I wrap my arms around her and reassure her that things will be okay.

    I give her permission to be anxious, but try to instill resilience so she won’t worry so much. I try to teach her mindfulness and meditation and positive thinking. And I worry, about her and too many things—some role model I am!

    Mostly, my daughter worries about something happening to her dad or me.

    Separation anxiety is the crux of her problem. She’d been avoiding sleepovers with friends and even her grandparents, and it all came to a head when her school camp loomed large.

    The good news is she got through camp, thanks to her resilience, mindfulness, her first counseling session, and our pep talks—and despite my worry, which was wasted, as it always is!

    Getting through camp was a big achievement for our daughter in her journey to overcoming anxiety, but she has a road ahead as she deals with her fears about losing us, embedded as they are in processing her feelings about being adopted and the loss of her birthparents in her life.

    She has a lot to deal with, yet she is brave, strong, resilient.

    She’s only ten, but she’s already demonstrating ways to take worry out of her life. I’m beyond proud.

    I gained my own painful insights into the futility of worry through a long journey of infertility and an equally long wait for adoption. Loss of control was the only certainty. Yet, I’ve gained the most clarity through my children’s eyes.

    Children teach us lessons every day, if we are open to learning them. And they open our closed minds to lessons we learned as kids but have forgotten.

    There was a time when worry didn’t exist, as hard as it is for us adults to imagine. It was all about the present; the future wasn’t to be feared.

    The key to taking worry out of life, I think, is to reconnect with that sense of child-like wonder, while bringing to each moment the adult wisdom of knowing that worry will never change what happens. That “this too shall pass.”

    Here are five ways to overcome worry that I’ve learned and assimilated from what my daughter has so courageously demonstrated.

    1. Accept that some worry is good for you.

    This sounds counterintuitive, but if you stop worrying about worrying, it’s a really great place to start!

    For starters, you need to have some fear in your life for when you are being chased by a lion and need adrenaline to kick in in order to flee (great idea), or when you are confronted and the only choice is to fight.

    A bit of worry is normal—good news for anxious people who worry even more about being abnormal. Some stress about consequences keeps us motivated. It keeps us alert to possibilities and shows that we care.

    A little bit of worry is natural, normal, and human. Use it wisely.

    2. Move through worry.

    Can you imagine dancing and being worried at the same time?

    Of course, even a prima donna ballerina will have at least a hint of stage nerves (for adrenaline, and because she cares). But the dancers we admire so much, who hold us in thrall, they go to a place where worry cannot exist.

    It’s a magical place where their bodies meld with the music and become one, and there’s no time, only rhythm and movement and wonder that we humans are even capable of such beauty.

    I’ve watched my ten-year-old dance like this, and I watch her all the time, flipping, cartwheeling, hand standing and doing walkovers, pirouettes etcetera, over and over. She quite literally moves through her anxiety.

    She’s not worried at all about dance (other than a few stage nerves), and she loses all other anxious thoughts when she’s lost in the beauty of it.

    Movement—be it dance, yoga, running, walking, swimming, or whatever sport or exercise—provides the opportunity to distract yourself from worry, to be lost in the wonder of being able to move your body for its own sake. Little by little, anxiety fades.

    3. Sit with worry.

    When we stop physical activity, we make room for more thoughts, and that can be scary.

    This is when we need mindfulness to simply witness those thoughts—not to judge them, not to feed them so they multiply, but to simply observe them as waves rolling in and out.

    If you can separate yourself from your worries and focus on your breath, then you can breathe in fresh air and calm and exhale worry. You create both a physical and mental means of release.

    You can open the space for stillness, a place where peace replaces worry.

    4. Talk back to worry.

    Anxious thoughts are as persistent as they usually are irrational. When they take over our self-talk, it can feel like we can’t change the script. But they’re just lines in a script we run through our heads—a fiction.

    Children, with their abundance of imagination, find it harder to separate fact from fiction, and one of the skills my daughter is learning is to think rationally about her anxieties.

    For example, I tell her that it’s no more likely something bad will happen to her father and me when she isn’t with us than when she’s tucked up in bed in the next room. She sees the logic.

    She worries about us being older parents and not being around for her, and while I can’t change the facts, I can point out that if she does the math her fears of our imminent deaths are unfounded if you look rationally at the figures (we are not that old).

    Anxiety cowers in the face of rationality. Arguing back with forceful reason is a way to change your self-talk over time, literally starving your worries of oxygen.

    5. Cultivate resilience.

    Resilience, along with empathy, is the key quality we are trying to instill in our children. If they never have to cope with failure or disappointment, today’s mollycoddled generation risks falling apart in the face of a crisis.

    Resilience is your armor against anxiety. When you cultivate resilience, you have a ready reminder of what you’ve already survived (and often thrived through) in the past. You are shielded by the strength you’ve built up and safe in the knowledge that you can prevail, that things will get better.

    Resilience is so much more powerful than blind faith that things will be okay, because with resilience you will be okay regardless.

    Worry can’t triumph against such resolve.

    —

    I wish I could say that getting over anxiety is easy because even a child can do it, but it’s not. It’s hard for our daughter, but we want to try stop anxiety becoming a painful pattern she takes into adulthood.

    For us adults, I think we can only work with and through worry—put it in its place, put ourselves in control. Take the lead in this universal dance through life.

  • Tending to Your Garden of Thoughts and Keeping Your Mind Weed-Free

    Tending to Your Garden of Thoughts and Keeping Your Mind Weed-Free

    Garden Buddha

    “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.” ~Buddha

    Imagine your mind as a garden. Positive thoughts are the beautiful flowers that brighten your life. Negative thoughts are the ugly weeds that spread and suffocate the flowers.

    Tending to my garden is an ongoing process.

    I’m not into chemical pesticides, but my natural weed killers are yoga, meditation, inspirational reading, and hanging out with positive people.

    Sure-fire weed food is worrying about what other people think, taking things personally, and stressing out about situations that don’t matter or are out of my control.

    I used to find myself having drawn-out imaginary conversations: “And if she said this, I would say that…” with absolutely no outcome. Now I catch myself and change the channel.

    I’ve seen firsthand how dangerous it is to let weeds snarl and take over.

    My dear Grandma Betty lived to be ninety-two. She outlived all six of her children, and had a lifetime of good physical health, yet her mind was tangled with weeds that began growing decades before she died.

    She was suspicious, distrusting, and convinced that people didn’t have her best interests at heart or were talking behind her back. I never noticed it when I was a kid, but it became increasingly apparent later on.

    Perhaps she felt lonely when my grandfather died early and she had too much time alone with her thoughts.

    It’s easy to over-think things, jump to conclusions, or get wrapped in negativity when you don’t have others to give you a fresh perspective. It then becomes a bigger problem when you alienate the ones who love you the most because you’re difficult to be around.

    This is what eventually happened. I loved her to bits, but she became challenging to talk to. The cup wasn’t half full; it was bone dry.

    This was in sharp contrast to my Grandma Millie. She was always smiling or laughing with a twinkle in her eye.

    Life dealt her a crappy deck. She was widowed young and had to raise three kids alone. She nursed her second husband through a nightmare of Alzheimer’s. She also experienced the tragic loss of both of her sons.

    But she always picked herself back up and remained positive.

    She drove for Meals on Wheels, delivering to people younger than herself.

    She went blind from cataracts disease in her early eighties but continued to find volunteer work so she could feel useful and keep active and social.

    Insistent on staying in her apartment, she remained fiercely independent.

    I used to ask her how she kept her great outlook when she’d been through so much. Her reply, “Well, I could sit around complaining, but then nobody would want to be around me!”

    Truer words have never been spoken.

    Complaining is pointless. It doesn’t make things any better, and it drains the complainer and everyone else around them.

    I loved both of my grandmas equally, but I know which one I was more likely to pick up the phone and call.

    Having these two amazing examples in my life gave me huge inspiration. I saw for myself how important it is to tend to my garden regularly and give it high quality fertilizers to keep it abundant and healthy.

    My friends are my fertilizers!

    My positive Grandma had a gaggle of girlfriends and those gals knew how to have a good time. They got together and played cards or Scrabble, went off on outings, and even went on a camping trip in their eighties. They were each other’s support systems.

    She used to say to me, when you get married, don’t ever forget about your girlfriends. They may outlive your husband and be all you have in your old age.

    Her very best friend died two days before she did. Both asked after the other in their final moments, neither knowing that the other was dying. They’d been friends for eighty-eight years.

    Both grandmas were my mentors in their very own ways. One being an example of how I want to live my life, the other showing what happens if I allow my mind to become overgrown and tangled with weeds.

    I wish I could have done something to help my Grandma Betty tend to her garden. If she had the awareness, she could have taken a machete to those weeds and felt a lot happier.

    We can all use the garden metaphor to bring an awareness of what helps our own mind grow and flourish, rather than creating a dark, tangled mess.

    What’s on your list of fertilizers and weed-killers? How does your garden grow?

    Photo by Neil Piddock

  • Let Go of Shoulds and Stress and Let Yourself Do Nothing

    Let Go of Shoulds and Stress and Let Yourself Do Nothing

    Meditating man

    “When you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing. Sometimes you just need to relax, breathe, let go and live in the moment.” ~Unknown

    I am a recovering doing addict. My whole life I have been committed to getting things done. I do, do, do until I can’t do no more.

    I have a very clear memory of myself in college, sitting at an evening lecture. I am not paying attention at all. I am writing a huge, long to-do list on the back of a blue folder.

    Things keep popping into my mind, things that must get done right away. I must capture them on this folder so they don’t escape me. All that matters is the list in that moment. I don’t listen to a word that is being said.

    Scraps of memories like this one, some from earlier in my life, remind me that I have always been like this. This way of moving (or running?) through my life is not new. It is woven into the fabric of my being. And it has worked well for me in a lot of ways.

    I have lived in different cities, held many jobs, traveled all over the world, and started my own business. But there’s a darker flip side to it too, one that drives me into a frenzy of action more often than not. I am growing weary of it. It’s exhausting—the doing and the shoulds and the have tos.

    About a year ago I decided I wanted to change the way I am in the world. I wanted to transform myself from someone who was always stressed out and striven toward the next thing to a centered, joyful, fun, and more loving person.

    I had recently started my own business and was feeling devastated that I wasn’t enjoying it. Just like every other job I’d had, I was working myself into a stressful mess each day. I was at the end of my rope and didn’t know what to do. When I spoke with my life coach that week, I shared that I felt like I needed to be broken wide open for things to change.

    During our session that day she suggested I put everything on hold and carve out a week to just be. No work, no doing, no nothing—just being. “But,” I proclaimed, “what am I supposed to do?” And she replied, “Well, Megan, you’ll just have to figure that out.”

    I trusted her deeply and she had never led me astray. Plus, I was desperate. So I decided to go along on this adventure and deemed it the “Week of Being.” I wasn’t sure what to do that first day, so I went to the movies. I figured I’d ease myself into the whole doing nothing thing with some mindless entertainment.

    I sat in silence a lot that week. I meditated, listened to music and Buddhist teachings, took walks, read, and laid on the floor of my living room doing absolutely nothing. Slowly, I felt the stress and anxiety fall away. It dawned on me that none of the things I told myself I had to do in life were real. They were all completely self-fabricated.

    At the end of the Week of Being, I had a vision of myself in the middle of a labyrinth. I looked down and in my hand I was holding a smooth black stone. I had arrived at the center, and when I looked around I realized there was nothing there…nothing but me.

    In my journal from that day I wrote, “I had it backward these thirty-eight years. I thought the doing was what was most important. So the doing often led me down a path of anxiety and stress and even more doing. But it’s in the being where all of the answers lie. Taking care of myself, being in the present, accepting the now—that’s the answer. It’s the only thing I need to focus on. The rest of life will fall into place.”

    It was a powerful week. It has shifted me onto a path of allowing more being into my life and letting go of some of the doing. It’s a simple concept really, but it’s not always easy.

    It takes practice every day and sometimes I forget the lessons. But I am committed to this process, however long it may take. I know how to get things done, after all, even changing myself.

    Lessons from the Week of Being

    You can change yourself.

    If you have a vision of who you’d like to become and are committed to the work, change is possible.

    Do less. Be more.

    Practice the art of doing nothing. Take some time each day to lie on the couch or stare out the window. When waiting for a friend at a coffee shop or riding the bus, just sit and do nothing. Don’t fill every moment with action.

    Change is not a linear process.

    Sometimes you may find yourself reverting back to your old habits and patterns. This is normal. Change doesn’t happen all at once. The good news is that every time you have a relapse, it feels worse and worse. This means you are changing! Get back on course and be easy on yourself.

    When you take care of yourself, you are a better person.

    Taking time to care for yourself will help you have more energy for others. When you are calm and centered you are a better partner, sister, friend, and parent.

    Allow your actions to arise from a place of centered being.

    Mindful action is far more powerful than flitting from thing to thing. When you live your life from a deep place of peace you are able to bring about profound change.

    Photo by ChrisHayesPhotography

  • Rediscover The Beauty Of Life Instead of Just Getting By

    Rediscover The Beauty Of Life Instead of Just Getting By

    Peaceful

    “If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    As kids, we are beings of wonder. Spending hours inspecting blades of grass, hoping to discover lady beetles, rocking fairy wings or a cape at the shops because we feel like it, laughing for the silliest reasons, and finding unadulterated happiness in special treats, our favorite cartoon, or a game of hide and seek.

    As teenagers, we often become too cool to find joy in the simplest things but still manage it hanging out with friends, falling in love with celebrities, and listening to that one song over and over again.

    But, by the time we reach full-blown adulthood, those whimsical childhood traits may be as forgotten as an invisible friend.

    As grown ups we’re allowed to do all the fun things we spent high school wishing we could do, and yet, we get caught up in jobs we hate, paying bills, sitting in traffic, and sometimes ‘just getting by.’

    I know this feeling, because I’ve been there.

    And then, one day, I decided it was time to stop for a second and find a way to get back to a time when life was more joy-filled. Rediscovering the beauty of life, instead of focusing on the ugliness, the negativity, or the laborious pains of just getting by.

    The Beginning Of Change

    Since I was fifteen, I wanted to work in film and television. I did my high school work experience at a post-production company and decided I would work there one day.

    I graduated top of my class studying film and TV in high school, I was (and still am) a total film geek, I studied it at university. And then landed by dream job at the company I’d experienced five years earlier.

    I could not believe it.

    From that point onward, I went from contract to contract working some crazy hours (like 2PM to 2AM shifts for an entire month).

    I went through periods of no work between contracts (and, as a result no money), being morally torn between staying true to myself and doing what it takes to butter people up for the good jobs, working on shows I hated, working with people who made my skin crawl, getting praised by my superiors but being ignored by those doing the promoting, and continuing to strive for a dream job that felt like it was never going to happen.

    Of course, the perks of the job were fantastic—working with some great people, every day being interesting and unexpected, traveling, and working in what I still consider to be a really fun industry.

    But when something stops serving you, it becomes so much harder to see the good from the downright terrible.

    This all culminated when I landed the producing job I’d been working toward. Oh, what an achievement! You can imagine my excitement after so many years of working my way up to the job I’d always wanted. The celebration that followed the promotion was…non-existent.

    I was earning good money. I had the job title. I was finally getting somewhere. And I didn’t even stop to acknowledge it because all I could see was that I still wasn’t happy.

    A friend rang to congratulate me and I didn’t even notice.

    I was so overwhelmed by the anticlimax of it all. And that’s when I knew something needed to change.

    It’s Time To Do More of What Makes Me (and You) Happy

    It may seem like a ridiculous notion to some, but I honestly and truly believe that when you see these habits of what feels like never ending complaining, whining, and frustration then it’s time to make some changes.

    Some people are totally cool to accept that this is all there is, but not me. (And maybe not you, either).

    When I realized that too much of my time was spent unhappy, I decided to do whatever I could to change that.

    I changed jobs as soon as possible. I started working with people who meant the world to me in a role that was much better suited to me. This gave me room to breathe and come up for air after ten years on a career path that I decided I hated.

    I started to see what I loved again.

    And even if I was still trying to decide what to do, this made it easier to finally be happy. And I became aware of how I could do more of this on an everyday basis.

    I set dinner dates with friends on Monday nights to make the beginning of the week oh-so-enjoyable. I took advantage of coffee runs at work and turned them into glorious sun walks. I found joy in the simple pleasure of sitting in the park on the weekend just chatting or reading.

    I noticed I was changing. Sure sometimes stress still popped it’s head up and challenges arose, but I was becoming better equipped to handle the unknown because I had simply brought more joy into my life. The unexpected inconveniences became less frustrating, and the simplest pleasures became more obvious.

    The power of needing to change allowed me to find ways of doing more of what made me happy.

    Rediscover the Beauty of Life

    I’ll be completely honest with you: this is not something that just happened to me overnight. I’m still working toward my new career path and finding what I really want out of life. I still get frustrated or upset sometimes, and I still have a lot of work to do.

    But something changed the day I decided to take life into my own hands and seek out the beauty of life.

    I became more aware.

    I started attracting more happy moments and wonderful people to me because I actively sought them out, and what I put out came back to me tenfold.

    I seek out the good stuff instead of dwelling on the not-so-good.

    And, through this, I’ve learned that the more we search for beauty of life, the more we invite it in. As kids we noticed it with ease, exploring to our heart’s content but, as adults, we sometimes forget to pay attention.

    We get caught up with the mundane, we focus on the negative, and we love joining in on a mutual whine-fest with others. But imagine how much we could gain from our day if we took a moment to soak in the bliss of being alive.

    Lying in the grass, laughing with a loved one, being recognized at work for doing a great job, swapping out things we don’t like with things we love, acknowledging someone else and seeing their joy, and just embracing the moments that make up our day-to-day lives is the key to finding the extraordinary in each day.

    It may not always seem that simple but, I promise, if you’re willing to give it a shot, try it out, and be intentional when seeking out wondrous moments, it will make a significant difference to your life. And, the more you practice, the easier it will be to see.

    I invite you to be aware of what you might need to change and seek out possibilities for joy in the coming week.

    Find ways to bring the fun in and keep your eyes wide open for special moments or people that can make your life even more beautiful. Or, even better, take time to be grateful for what you’ve already got.

    Try it out, see how you go, and then leave me a comment and tell me how it went!

    Photo by deveion acker

  • Dear Brain

    Dear Brain

    Dear Brain

    Source: NotSalmon.com

  • How to Stop Stressing About Being Perfect (So You Can Enjoy Life)

    How to Stop Stressing About Being Perfect (So You Can Enjoy Life)

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    I finally learned I wasn’t Superman.

    It was a hard concept for me to grasp. You see, I was always the good child. The one that did everything without complaint or supervision. I was the one who didn’t need help in school, who knew how to plan, who did the chores without having to be asked twice.

    As I grew older this idea that I was “the good child/person” grew. My grades had to be perfect. My work had to be perfect. I had to interact perfectly with everyone I met.

    Needless to say, this drive to perfection caused me a lot of stress. Stress to the point that I was literally pulling my hair out. I know you see that on cartoons and things, but it happened to me for real.

    I didn’t even know I was doing it until one day I looked in the mirror after my shower and saw a bald spot. I had combed over it for so long without even consciously realizing it was there.

    I knew I had to do something after that. I had to change something. I wanted to just give up. After all, if I couldn’t be prefect, then what was the point of it all?

    I cycled into depression, but even this depression did not lessen my drive to be perfect. I made it look like I was doing fine. I went to work every day, did my home things, and even interacted on a superficial level with those around me.

    After a while of this hollow existence, I started to become angry. Why did no one see I was hurting? Why was there no reaction to this change?

    I slowly ground to a screeching, sputtering stop as circumstances in my life piled up: the death of a family member, the illness of another, my car getting totaled, my job on the edge.

    Boom, boom, boom. One right after another.

    Nothing was perfect now, and I could not see any way to make it perfect. It was hopeless, all of it.

    So, at last, I gave up on being perfect.

    At first, it seemed strange to me. Leaving things unfinished. Doing things halfway. Not going out of my way to make everything seem okay. I thought the world would fall apart. But it didn’t.

    Other people took up the slack. Things that I thought were vital went undone without consequence. Not working at 110% did not make the world come crashing down around my head.

    Hesitantly, I started to look around. I started doing things that were fun for me instead of things that needed to be done. I said no when people asked for help. I left dishes in the sink and trash in the can. I ate out instead of cooking. I ate what I wanted and not what I thought was right. I watched TV when I wanted and slept when I wanted and didn’t worry about what I should be doing instead.

    And you know what?

    It was okay.

    Shockingly, there was little difference in my life between working hard and enjoying it. Little difference to others. However, it was a big difference to my mental health. I discovered I could do more with less. Less work, less stress, less perfection.

    I could enjoy life without being perfect.

    I am not saying that my change did not cause conflict. My family was not pleased with the sudden upsurge in their workload. Those little things I always did were now undone. If they wanted it done they had to do it themselves.

    The little things they took for granted suddenly became scarce and my ever helpful and always consistent presence became something that had to be requested rather than relied upon.

    It was empowering to say no. To be out of touch. To be enjoying myself without guilt or stress.

    I found out that I could now enjoy and even look forward to things that had previously stressed me out. That every experience was not a chance to screw up but a chance to learn something new. That doing new things was good, even if I wasn’t good at them at first.

    It’s great to strive toward excellence, but it’s not worth stressing about perfection. If you’d like to take a page from my book and learn to enjoy being imperfect:

    1. Accept that perfection is unreachable.

    No one can possibly be perfect; that is what makes us human. However, you have to not only accept that you will not be perfect, but also be happy that being imperfect makes you different than everyone else. Being perfect would make everyone identical. Our imperfections are what make us unique and special in this world.

    2. Say no.

    When you are trying to be perfect, it’s hard to tell people no. You want to make them perfectly happy. You want to be the perfect spouse, sibling, or friend. However, taking on more and more things does not make you more perfect or even a better person. It only makes you more stressed.

    Saying no is not only good for your mental health, but it is good for others as well. Many times people will have to deal with their own issues, which will make them grow into stronger human beings. If you had helped them, they would not have had the chance to grow.

    3. Try new things, even if you fail.

    Being a perfectionist, it’s hard to get the guts up to try something you have never done before in the fear that you will be less than perfect at it. However, that’s the fun of trying something new! You get to learn and grow and become more than what you were before. Staying stagnant is not healthy for anyone. Embrace your mistakes and learn something new.

    4. Let some things go.

    We prioritize things that are not really important. Will you remember doing the dishes, or having fun with your friends? Will you remember filing, or having a great conversation with your coworker?

    When you learn to let the unimportant things go, you have more time for what really matters. You also have more time to do what is fun for you instead of only doing what ‘needs’ to be done.

    5. Prioritize what makes you happy.

    Life is more than work and chores and making it through one day after another. If you feel like you are working and moving but never enjoying or accomplishing anything, you may need to take a step back and reevaluate what you are doing with your life.

    Being stressed all the time is no way to live. Instead, try to enjoy your life. Prioritize those things and people that make you happy.

    Stressing out about perfection is a useless endeavor. Perfection is impossible for us, so why do we make ourselves sick over it?

    I have learned to abandon perfection and focus on enjoy life every day. This has greatly reduced my stress, increased my happiness, and made me the kind of person I would want to be friends with.

  • How to De-Stress Dating and Stop Tying Your Worth to Relationships

    How to De-Stress Dating and Stop Tying Your Worth to Relationships

    “Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown

    I’m all too aware that dating can feel like a grinding, painful roller coaster to nowhere.

    If you’ve hit your head against the wall as many times as I have, you know how frustrating, depressing, and downright disheartening it can be. Meeting someone new, going on a few great dates, getting excited, having one/both of you sort of stop calling; then repeating the process over and over is enough to make you want to give up for good.

    The ups and downs in this cycle can make you feel like you are unbalanced and have whiplash. While it can be fun to go on a bunch of dates with different people, it can also make you feel like you’re floating alone on your own little island of solitude.

    For happily married people, the trials of meeting a mate are ancient history that they’ve completely glossed over. So they often parrot off clichés like “you’ll meet the right one when you least expect it” and “you’ll find him when you aren’t looking.” 

    When you’re on this emotional roller coaster, these well meaning statements are enough to make you want to cold clock someone in the face.

    How exactly do you even meet anyone if you aren’t looking? Does someone accidentally fall on you in the grocery store?

    In the two-and-a-half hours I leave the house each week, is he going to trip on me at Starbucks while I’m nervously palming my skinny hazelnut latte and completely avoiding eye contact? Will I lock eyes with him at the library while I’m researching just how relationships actually work?

    “Oh, hello beautiful. I see you’re clutching every book on love ever written. I find that super intriguing, want to go get a drink?” Said no one ever.

    After a while, it’s easy to feel like starting your collection of cats and totally giving up on the idea of ever meeting the right person.

    Several times during my dating experiences, I had to shut down my various online dating profiles for a few months and lick my wounds.

    It takes a lot of determination and/or masochism to keep putting yourself out there when Mr. Potential turns into Mr. Wrong with such break-neck frequency. It often became necessary to stop everything and reflect on why dating experiences had been such abysmal failures.

    Why wasn’t it working? I went on so many dates that I was testing different outfits, different responses to texts, different time frames for everything.

    I tried every type of date I could imagine. I certainly could have won an award for persistence, but why did it still feel like not only were there great people out there, but they were behind some kind of sturdy glass wall?

    Without fail, I would eventually put my rose colored glasses back on and try again, inspired by a friend meeting someone new or it being the absolute depths of winter. My best friend called it “going for another round.”

    It took me years to realize that I was addicted to the experience of dating itself. There is a great deal of novelty in meeting new people and experiencing new things with them while clinging to the distant hope that one of them just might click.

    The ups and downs were enough to keep me hooked, as I allowed my feelings about myself to be dictated by the opinions of people I barely knew. If they liked me, I liked me. 

    Somewhere along the way, I had let my ego get completely tied up in these experiences. I had fallen into the trap of letting my opinions of my failed relationships shape my opinion of myself.  No wonder I felt horrible and had lots of go-nowhere relationships. I wasn’t confident, I was afraid.

    Dating was like trying on new bras. While it was often an uncomfortable, awkward, painful, struggle, eventually I was ecstatic when I found a few that seemed to fit. Then, just like the lifespan of my favorite bras, the support system failed and the underwire started digging in.  When this happened I felt horrible, and went out looking for my next fix.

    One day this realization hit me like a ton of bricks while I was obsessing over the failure of my latest relationship.

    To stop feeling terrible and get off this emotional roller coaster for good, I realized I had a choice.

    I could either continue to view my dating experiences as abysmal failures that reflected poorly upon my self-worth and keep letting my self-esteem circle the drain. Or, I could manage my attitudes about my relationships in general and take a whole different approach to dating. 

    I could let myself off the hook and let the dating experiences just be what they were instead of tying my ego to them.

    When I stopped hanging so much of my feelings on these experiences, I started meeting completely different people than ever before. The best part about it was that even though I was still excited about a great date, there was not longer the subtle hint of desperation in my interactions.

    To continue to date without this emotional cycle was difficult but essential. Here is how I stopped the painful experience of getting my self-worth tied up in my dating experiences.

    1. Develop and maintain the belief that you are already whole without someone else.

    Rather than looking for your other half and staying off balance, you must believe that you are worthy and whole right now. While it is a universal experience to want someone to share your life with, your value is not determined by your success or failure at searching for a mate.

    It helped me to repeat, “I am whole, I am love” before and after dates, to get the idea across strongly that the outcome of this one event was not a determinate of my lovability or worth.

    When you strongly view yourself as a whole person who is looking for someone to share your life with, it takes away some of the fear that they won’t like you, that your destiny is hanging on this outing, and that if they don’t approve of you, you are back to square one.

    2. Be mindful of your fears surrounding relationships.

    So many people carry around the same negative thoughts about their desirability. “I am flawed.” “If I spill my guts to someone else, they will run.” “I can’t be vulnerable.” “I’m not enough.” “I’m going to die alone.” “If I commit I will be trapped.” And on and on. These are all rooted in fear and are not facts.

    When you hear yourself repeating any of these negative statements, say, “stop” and replace the thought with a positive affirmation. I like to use “I am whole, I am love,” but use a positive statement about your worth that resonates with you.

    3. Know that rejection does not mean you are not good enough.

    For whatever reason, you were not right for someone else. That decision is up to them. It is easy to get hung up on the “whys” behind their decision, but dwelling on them doesn’t change the reality. If you aren’t right for someone else, they aren’t right for you.

    Each time someone isn’t right for you and shows you that, honor their decision even if you feel differently. Move on and let them go. Do not use the experience as proof that you aren’t good enough.

    4. Get rid of the scarcity mindset regarding meeting the right person.

    You have an infinite well of love to give another person. This love is extremely valuable. Do not underestimate its worth to a potential mate.

    There are lots of people in the world. You must maintain the belief that there are more than a few who would love your company. If it doesn’t work out with one, you are not doomed. In addition, there is not a timer on your desirability.

    5. Be less serious about your search.

    Go on fun dates. Refuse to turn your dates into stuffy job interviews in contrived romantic situations. Dates are not a matter of national importance.  Show up, enjoy yourself and take some of the pressure off.  Laugh and play.

    When you adopt a lighthearted attitude it is easier to be fully present and experience the other person in the moment. Fun takes the pressure off. Then if you two are not a love match, at least you had fun.

  • Why We Stay Busy When We’re Not and The Benefits of Doing Nothing

    Why We Stay Busy When We’re Not and The Benefits of Doing Nothing

    “Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.” ~Lao Tzu

    How many times in a day do you tell yourself you are busy and have too much to do? In a week? In a month?

    How many of those times are you actually busy doing “nothing”? You know the “nothing” that I am talking about—the nothing that means you are watching hours of mindless TV, roaming the internet, or playing a game that you can’t seem to tear yourself away from on your smartphone.

    I’ve been there and done that, and I still do it sometimes. I know what it’s like to feel drained and tired and want a break from real life for a bit so that you can recharge and refresh yourself.

    And I know what it’s like to choose to tune out/zone out/disconnect instead, and how that ends up causing you to feel even more worn out and overwhelmed than before you took that so-called break to do “nothing” for a while.

    We tell ourselves that it’s okay to do “nothing” and that we deserve some downtime, but we really don’t believe it and that’s why we choose to occupy that time with activities that don’t allow us to recharge. We want others to believe that we are as busy as they are, so we distract ourselves with those mindless tasks.

    I resisted “doing nothing” on its own for a long time without realizing it. I tried to do it while reading a book and watching TV and texting friends (yes all at the same time) and I burnt myself out.

    I couldn’t focus anymore and I had trouble completing my work when I needed to.

    I told everyone that I was busy and stressed out, but I really wasn’t doing what I was supposed to be doing, and my workload was getting larger and the quality of my work was decreasing, all because I wouldn’t give myself permission to take a genuine break and “do nothing.”

    It wasn’t until I left a stressful work situation and took some time to travel in South America for a few months that I learned the difference between being busy “doing nothing” and just “doing nothing.”

    It was there that I was challenged to just be, as I was traveling by myself, didn’t have any work to bury myself in, and there was no TV or phone to distract myself with.

    It was scary at first to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings, and I actually felt anxious, as I experienced sadness, anger, and worry without any way to divert my attention from them. However, as those feelings came up I was able to deal with them and release them, and that was what allowed me to feel rested and recharged.

    Even better, when you stop distracting yourself, you also get to enjoy your comfortable feelings such as excitement, happiness, and joy on a more intense level.

    Now you don’t have to leave your job and travel to South America to learn how to just do nothing; there are ways to experience this in our everyday life.

    For example, we don’t give ourselves permission to take a walk in the park and notice the changing leaves. Instead, we check in with a friend or work on our cell phone and let them know we are busy “exercising.”

    We don’t give ourselves permission to enjoy a cup of coffee or a glass of wine with a friend as we talk about how grateful we are for what we have. Instead, we meet with a friend after months of trying to schedule something and end up trying to compete over who is the most overwhelmed.

    We don’t give ourselves permission to have fun with our family at the beach, where the only thing we should worry about is remembering to put sunblock on. Instead, we get annoyed by our kids who want to play with us while we try to read “that book” that everyone is raving about, that we have no interest in but feel like we are supposed to read.

    Well let me share something with you: All of those things that you keep busy with when you say you are “doing nothing” are distractions. 

    They are distractions that are preventing you from connecting with others on a deeper level. They are distractions that are actually contributing to your feelings of exhaustion and unease.

    I want to challenge you to try doing nothing for a while. Spend some time just being where you are and enjoying this downtime either by yourself or with others. Tell yourself that it’s okay to spend some time really, truly “doing nothing.”

    Now, you may be figuring out how to do nothing, and I don’t want you to waste your time worrying about that, so here are some ways to try this “doing nothing” thing out:

    Sit on a park bench and enjoy the fresh air, take a nap if you need some extra sleep, enjoy a cup of coffee out while you spend some time people watching, call a friend or family member and only talk about happy events in your lives, lie in your backyard and watch the clouds roll by, or get lost in a magazine or a few chapters of a funny book.

    It doesn’t matter which “nothing” you choose, just make sure that you will not be distracted so that you can benefit from it (that means keeping your cell phone far away from you or even turning it off).

    This may feel uncomfortable for you the first few times you do this. There are some things that you can do to make this easier for yourself.

    Put this into your calendar just like you would a haircut, a doctor’s appointment, exercise, or any other type of self-care.

    Also, before you start this process, give yourself permission to set the intention that you will be doing nothing and are okay with that.

    There are a bunch of benefits that you will get to experience when you release your need to stay busy, which include feeling relaxed and less stressed, decreased tension, increased focus, improved connections with others, and a greater appreciation of all that you have.

    Isn’t time you let yourself reap the benefits of really, truly doing nothing?

  • How Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Help Reduce Anxiety

    How Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone Can Help Reduce Anxiety

    Skipping Men

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an anxious person. My grandfather died when I was four years old and some of my earliest memories consist of panic attacks whenever I was left alone. In my mind, I had to keep my loved ones in sight at all times, so there would be no chance of them disappearing, just as my grandpa did.  

    From that point on, I slowly began to overcome my fears of separation from family. However, new anxieties began to take its place. Whether I was nervous about meeting new people or panicking over unexpected change, my anxiety was all consuming and seemingly endless, without an outlet.

    Somewhere in my senior year of high school, a friend suggested that I should start exercising to relieve some stress. The first day in the gym was a source of anxiety in itself. Between checking in, finding an open machine, and deciding what to do next, the entire process was entirely overwhelming.

    For a while, I was too nervous to step foot in the gym without a friend with me because I was too scared to be left alone with my thoughts for too long.

    Separation from familiar people is a scary thing in a time where you’re constantly connected no matter where you are. You can be standing on a mountaintop seemingly alone, but with thousands of people in your pocket.

    With this being the new reality, any time of time to yourself can be a source of anxiety.

    Eventually, I learned that being alone sometimes is a good thing. Each day I would step outside of my comfort zone and try something new. Some days it would be a walk around the block with only my dog and some silence. Other days, it was taking a yoga class by myself.

    Some of my challenges were harder than others. I found that taking classes in my gym enabled me to ease into workouts on my own.

    Although some days were successful, on others I would have serious setbacks. The worst of these was abandoning my workout because I knew someone who was working out and I was too embarrassed to complete my workout with them there.

    After years of being mocked for my lack of coordination, I feared judgment and began to feel that all eyes were on me during every move I made.

    Somewhere along the line I had a major realization: Only I can make myself happy. Stressing over a situation will in no way change it, and being self-conscious in the gym definitely wouldn’t get me in shape.

    While this realization pushed me to keep going, it didn’t resolve all of my fears. In the beginning I would still worry about what others thought and spend time stressing over every situation that was slightly outside of my comfort zone.

    Even though I realized that I had to make a change, I also realized that I wouldn’t do it overnight.

    Small steps on a daily basis gradually enabled me to be more comfortable with myself, both inside the gym and out. I slowly became more confident and frequently engaged in more situations that I never before imagined doing.

    At the beginning, my exercise was meant as means to relieve stress but only ended up causing more. I think this is because I didn’t do it for the right reasons. I sought out exercise as a cure-all that would wipe away my problems with only a few visits to the gym.

    Over time I began to see exercise for its greater meaning. It could be a short-term reliever of anxiety, but it was a life long journey toward better health. As soon as I started to see it that way, my fear diminished.

    This journey forced me to try to be a little better each and every day, to be stronger mentally and physically than I’ve ever been before.

    Many people think of exercise as a way to strengthen your body and calm your mind. Over time I realized that wasn’t what I needed. I needed to strengthen both my body and mind, and I had to do so through challenging both.

    I could have easily have gotten in shape in my basement as many others do, but that would not have challenged my anxious mind. I would have felt safe and calm in the confines of my comfort zone.

    The best thing I ever did was get that gym membership and force myself to get there. It not only led to a love of physical activity, but it also led to a feeling of confidence that I had never before experienced.

    Anxiety is a tough thing to deal with. It makes you feel guilty and scared, and it can keep you from doing things you love.

    While my anxiety never truly went away, it no longer controls or defines me. The best way to reduce the impact it has on you is to try your hardest to step outside of your comfort zone whenever you can.

    Even though it feels frightening at first, doing a little more each day can help make it seem less overwhelming. Over time, you’ll be able to do things you never knew were possible. Time and effort will make your journey easier and lessen the burden of your struggle.

    For me, making the active decision to push myself is what got me through the worst of my anxieties.

    Now, when anxiety tries to challenge me, I know that I’m the stronger one.

    Photo by istolethetv