Tiny Buddha

Tag: strength

  • Dealing with Pain or Abuse: You Can Let It Destroy You, Define You, Or Strengthen You

    Dealing with Pain or Abuse: You Can Let It Destroy You, Define You, Or Strengthen You

    Strength

    “When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown

    When I was twenty-four, leaving my ex was my “something bad.” It was about as bad as it could get.

    After four years of dating, I was certain marriage was right around the corner. Our lives were completely intertwined. I knew he wasn’t a great guy for me, but that didn’t matter because I truly believed I was ready to take the next step.

    One night changed everything.

    I found his drugs, confirming what I had suspected all along: his attempts at recovery were just an act. Admitting to flushing them initiated the scariest experience of my life. Immediately, he searched for his pills and destroyed my apartment when he couldn’t find them.

    When he finished looking, he came after me next, verbally and physically terrorizing me as if he had not already proven his anger. I broke free from his grip and fled, in search of help. This wasn’t our first incidence of violence, but enough was enough.

    I was tired of living alone in silent abuse.

    First, It Defined Me

    When I say that night changed everything, I mean it. Aside from the major life change, something shifted in my mind. I was no longer Akirah, but rather a single, lonely, and abused victim who would never find happiness.

    The abuse diminished my self-esteem, leaving me very little to rely on for healing. Low self-esteem made it easy for me to define myself as a victim. And I preferred it that way because doing so allowed me to remain focused on him.

    This continued for several months until I eventually grew tired of defining myself by my abuse. Unfortunately, being myself did not feel like a feasible option, as I had no clue who I was anymore.

    For four years I skipped out on traveling and making new friends because of our relationship. I never made even the tiniest decision without considering his feelings first. Recalling all the sacrifices I made for him gave me a sick feeling to my stomach.

    It was too much to think about. I needed to numb the pain.

    Then, It Destroyed Me

    My destruction occurred gradually, progressing with the help of alcohol and men. Every weekend was exactly the same routine: get dressed up, get drunk, get attention. I rarely skipped a week.

    My problem with alcohol was actually secondary to my addiction to male attention. Any hint of male validation caused a rush inside of me.

    A look was good. A smile was great. Wanting my name and number?

    Jackpot.

    I maintained an illusion of confidence because I read somewhere that men are attracted to that. But nothing else could be further from the truth. If anything, I had confidence in what I wanted and who I was trying to be, but certainly not in myself.

    After each short-lived relationship, I would think of my ex-boyfriend, wondering if I had maybe made a mistake. I knew deep down it would never be right between us. I could not imagine living my entire life being abused and controlled.

    So in order to avoid getting back together with him, I would find other men to distract me.

    Because, you know, being alone was not an acceptable option.

    I was destroyed. Yes, the abuse started it, but my refusal to heal brought me over the edge. It took one sentence during an episode of Oprah to change my perspective.

    Then It Strengthened Me

    “You have to walk through the fire of grief.”

    I did a double take.

    Fire? Grief? This advice did not sound enjoyable.

    But nothing else was working. Time was not healing my wounds; hangovers and breakups were becoming exhausting and embarrassing.

    Who was I becoming? Someone who needed to walk through the fire of grief, that’s who. So I tried it. It was terrifying at first, of course, but I tried it.

    My first order of business was crying. Can you believe I would never let myself cry? After deciding to walk through the fire of grief, I knew that needed to change. So I cried.

    Then I joined a support group for other survivors of abuse, which initiated even more crying. It felt awful talking about past violence and abuse, yet comforting to know I wasn’t alone. It was as if each tear gave me strength.

    And with that strength, I blossomed.

    I traveled across the country. I ran my first 10K. I even started wearing my hair in its natural state—my afro.

    My life was moving forward and I was choosing how. It felt wonderful. Hard. But wonderful.

    Strength Was In The Healing

    Yes, abuse is awful, but I don’t regret my experience.* I don’t regret how it temporarily destroyed me either. Because without that destruction, I would have no idea today of how strong I am.

    (Sometimes a breakdown can be the best thing to happen to a person.)

    Whether you are letting your “something bad” define you, destroy you, or strengthen you, remember this: Pursue healing.

    Rather than running away from the pain, feel it. If you’ve hit rock bottom, acknowledge it. If your “something bad” defines you, consider defining yourself as someone in healing instead.

    No matter what season you’re in, it’s never over until it’s over.

    So if you don’t feel strong right now, that’s okay. Don’t pursue strength; pursue healing. Because your strength is in your healing. And healing is wonderful.

    Hard.

    But wonderful.

    Plus, you deserve it.

    *Though my abuse was horrific, I did not marry my abuser or have children with him. Additionally, he did not seriously injure me or end my life. Too often I hear stories about others whose choice to safely leave their abusive relationships was tragically taken away from them. It is in their honor that I do the work I do. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, I urge you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support and guidance. You are not alone. You are worth healing. 

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • We Have the Strength to Move Through Pain and Uncertainty

    We Have the Strength to Move Through Pain and Uncertainty

    See the Light

    “Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.” ~Unknown

    Earlier this year our beloved puppy got sick. Not just a poorly tummy kind of sick, but proper, life-threatening, blood transfusion-requiring sick. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. She was at death’s door.

    The vet was talking to us in quiet and kindly tones. Using words like “grave.”

    Her illness was apparently unusual in a dog her age. Her prognosis was uncertain. She would require months of treatment that may or may not work. We were to watch her for signs of deterioration. Note changes in her appetite and energy levels.

    And then it was our son’s turn. He didn’t get sick. But something in his physiology concerned the doctors. That meant he had to undergo surgery in order to rule out a cancer that the consultant told us would be extremely serious for him.

    Like the puppy, we were asked to monitor his energy levels, his appetite, his sleep. We were advised to keep a close eye on him while the tests were completed. To report any changes.

    Twice in quick succession, life threw us a curve ball. Twice, the otherwise hunky-dory life we had been enjoying became something altogether less comfortable.

    We’d been happily plodding along in a bit of a smug bubble. We seemed to have it all going on. Not perfect—not by a long shot. But pretty darn good.

    Bad things, it seemed, happened to other people. It’s just how it was…until we abruptly found ourselves living in a far more anxiety provoking reality—a reality that looked nothing like the shiny existence we’d been enjoying.

    At times my anxiety was crippling. The uncertainty felt hideous. My desire to rush to the safety of certainty, and answers, was overwhelming. I was desperate to define what I was feeling, and what we were experiencing.

    Online searches of both conditions were terrifying. Hopeless. My stomach would lurch as I read yet another firsthand account of a dog, or a boy, facing these illnesses.

    There was no certainty. No answers. No comfort to be had. Answers, good or bad, would take time. I was in pain. I felt like I was falling. I felt an intense kind of shame at our overt imperfection as a family.

    We were becoming other people. The other people who I had always had sympathy for, but apparently no empathy.

    I had protected myself from their pain, and my fear, by subconsciously telling myself they were different somehow. I jealously looked on, as those around me appeared to be enjoying a carefree existence filled with a certainty that I was being denied.

    Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. The dog recovered, against all the odds. Our boy was found to be cancer free. I am grateful beyond measure for both these outcomes.

    But I am also profoundly grateful for what these experiences taught me.

    They showed me that when adversity hits, there’s no value in running or hiding. While the drive to do this is so incredibly understandable, and our instinctive need to take flight to keep ourselves safe can feel overwhelming, it just doesn’t help.

    I realized that despite my deepest held wish for all the hideousness to disappear, to be relieved from the pain I was in, there was no way around it.

    When life throws you a curve ball, I realized that you have to feel the feelings. You have to sit with the deep discomfort of the uncertainty you face. You have to breathe through it, even when it feels like it may swamp you entirely.

    It’s like sitting at the water’s edge and letting a big wave hit you. It’s like allowing yourself to be swept up, tossed around in the water and dumped mercilessly, sandy and undignified on the shore.

    And here’s the thing that was the biggest revelation for me: All the while this is going on—when life appears to be showing you no mercy—you have it in you to give yourself the soothing comfort you so desperately crave.

    You can sit in solidarity with yourself in your pain. You can rub your own back as you sit, head in your hands, despairing at the edge of the road.

    You can encourage yourself to breathe in and out. Remind yourself that you’re not alone. That all humans know the pain of uncertainty and fear. That while your circumstances may be unique, your suffering is not.

    Which ultimately gives you strength to look your pain in the eye. To sit with it, acknowledge it, and move through it.

    My experience has left me changed—humbled, and a little bruised by having to recognize my utter vulnerability in the face of life’s randomness. But it’s also left me hopeful that when adversity does strike again (and I have no doubt that it will) I have it in me to see my way through the pain.

    And so do you.

    Photo by Martin Fisch

  • How to Find the Motivation to Change Your Life When You Don’t Feel Capable or Worthy

    How to Find the Motivation to Change Your Life When You Don’t Feel Capable or Worthy

    “Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” ~Gary Zukav

    Following a path of personal development isn’t easy. Oh, it’s rewarding and can be life changing, but it can also be confusing, challenging, and scary.

    What if you take the wrong path? How do you know which piece of advice is right? Can you still get the results you desperately want, even if you go against some of the assumed wisdom?

    One such piece of wisdom is that people should make changes in their lives and their behavior for themselves, not for others. That’s always been the standard advice from friends, magazines, and TV “experts.”

    But what if you don’t feel ready, worthy, or capable of making the change for yourself? What if you feel so confused and scared that you don’t know where to start?

    I formerly struggled with loving myself enough to take those initial steps toward finding a way out of my own depression and anxiety.

    Then I realized that sometimes the love we have for other people, particularly for our children, can give us the motivation to start on the journey—even when we are lacking the love to do it for ourselves.

    Like many people, I struggled with feeling like I was wrong, deficient, and “not good enough” for a long time.

    You know how for most people, those anxious teenage years full of self-doubt and awkwardness pass with the arrival of their twenties? For me, those feelings didn’t disappear. If anything, they accelerated. Feeling unsure of myself turned into something darker and more entrenched.

    I spent my twenties shuttling between depression and its twisted sister, anxiety. By the time I was twenty-seven I was exhausted by it and hospitalized for a brief spell (a “little rest,” as my mum euphemistically described it.)

    Depression had become a part of my identity. To my mind, it wasn’t a condition I experienced; it was part of who I fundamentally was: a person broken beyond repair.

    I tried counseling but found it painful and not something I was ready for. So then I tried drama instead—intense relationships with men who tried to love me better, and I them.

    I tried medication and it helped; it lifted my mood enough so I could function.

    But the thoughts and the moods just receded; they never fully went away. The depression didn’t let go; it was always on the edges, threatening to return.

    I’d sense it. There it was snapping at my heels, reminding me that all was not well: I was not well.

    And then, everything changed. Thirteen years ago I had my son. A beautiful, smiling boy, who rocked my world and kicked my self-perception off its axis.

    That’s the thing with kids—before you have them, even though people tell you about the oceans of love you will experience, you just don’t get it. But once my son was in my arms, I got it. I really, really got it.

    I loved him in a way that blew a hole in my self-loathing and everything I’d taken to be true.

    I sat with him in my arms, perfect little fingers, toes, nose, eyelashes—perfect everything. The waves of fear and love I felt took my breath away.

    A terrifying set of questions gnawed at my mind: What if I couldn’t do it? What if I couldn’t protect this perfect little being? What if I actually damaged him? What if my deficiencies, my failings, my brokenness affected him?

    I would do anything for him. He needed me to be the best I could be. I knew that I had to get better; I hadn’t had the strength to do it for myself, so if I couldn’t do it for me, I would do it for him.

    That’s what gave me the push, the kick, the boot up the backside I needed.

    I didn’t have the answers for how I was going to do it, but I certainly had a lot of questions:

    • Why do some people seem able to soar through life and others struggle?
    • How come some people can see the good in themselves but others can’t see their own strengths at all?
    • What makes people happy, and is it possible to increase how happy we are and how often?

    Answering those questions took quite a while—thirteen years and counting. Once I took my first faltering steps along that journey to find those answers, so many things opened up for me.

    I’ve had therapy, returned to learning, studied with some amazing teachers, become an NLP Master Practitioner, completed a Master’s degree in coaching, not to mention read every personal development book I could get my hands on. I’ve sucked up positive psychology research, taken up yoga, learned how to practice mindfulness, and made understanding my brain and moods a priority.

    It might have started out as a way to sort out my own head so that I could be a better mum, but it’s blossomed into something more profound. The ripple effect of the journey is immense. I teach, write, and share what I’ve learned and will continue to do it so that others can get it too.

    I know I’ve moved from a place of great darkness to huge possibility and light. The depression that snapped at my heels has gone; although I’ll always be watching out for its return, I’m confident I have the tools to deal with it if it ever does.

    Above all, I am grateful beyond words to my son and to his little sister for showing me what love really is, for showing me that I was capable of giving such love and worthy of receiving it. They unlocked the door for me to start really loving myself.

    What started out as something I did for someone else, turned out to be the most loving thing I’ve ever done, for both of us.

    It doesn’t really matter who you’re starting out on this journey for—just start it. If you do it with a desire to learn, grow and heal, and feel happier, you will get there.

    Don’t feel guilty about taking time for yourself or investing in things that will help you to get there.

    When you feel better, are kinder to yourself, and no longer spend hours a day wrestling with your own demons, you free up so much time, energy, and love to give back to those around you.

    You might feel scared. You might feel guilty for wanting to take an hour to read that book, or visit the gym, or attend that course. You might think you’re not worthy of it.

    You might feel that being a good person is about focusing all of your energy on your loved ones and ignoring yourself. But I want to tell you that’s not true. The best thing you can do for your loved ones is sorting your own stuff out.

    • Give your kids a role model of self-compassion.
    • Show your niece that it’s okay to be gawky and unsure of herself.
    • Show your dad that it’s good to take time out and take a rest when he’s feeling overwhelmed.

    Show your loved one’s a model of choosing happiness and hope over depression and despair.

    The greatest gift that we can give to those we love is to show them that they can learn, grow, and evolve—and that they are in control of that.

    I don’t care why you do it. If you can do it for yourself, that’s fantastic. But even if you’re initially doing it for someone else, you might just learn along the way that you’re worth making the change for after all.

  • When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal

    When You’re Pretending to Be Fine: 9 Tips to Deal and Heal

    “Our strength grows out of our weaknesses.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    I never thought I’d want to kill myself.

    All my life, I’d been a strong, independent woman, building a business from home, raising two wonderful sons, and staying happy and positive throughout.

    If you’d told me I’d one day consider taking my own life, I’d have laughed and said, “You’ve got me confused with someone else!”

    But after twenty years and two sons together, my husband and I decided to split up.

    So what? Separation and divorce are commonplace. You just cope with it like everyone else. I was strong, so not coping would mean I was weak.

    But it hurt and hurt and hurt. And eventually I just wanted to stop. I couldn’t put my boys through that, but I couldn’t see another way out. So, while pretending to everyone that I was fine, I thought about it. Seriously.

    What Do You Pretend?

    Coping with everything life throws at you is tough. 

    Juggling all your different roles, trying to be all things to all people, and “shoehorning” so much into every day.

    You and your needs aren’t even worth a mention on your very long to-do list.

    You feel guilty and inadequate and worry that someday all those plates you’re spinning will come crashing down. You’re an amazing somebody who often feels like an invisible and overwhelmed nobody. Feeling lost and alone, living in silent despair.

    Not always much fun being a grown-up, is it?  (more…)

  • Gaining Strength, Courage, and Confidence from Failure

    Gaining Strength, Courage, and Confidence from Failure

    “He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

    At any point of time, every person has:

    • A set of things s/he wants to change but cannot (plans)
    • A set of things s/he tried to change but could not (helplessness)
    • A set of things s/he could have changed and did not (guilt)
    • A fear of the unknown, anxiety about the future, and worry about decisions to be taken (fear)
    • Too many plans and associated what-ifs (anxiety)

    I have experienced all of the feelings listed above and have tried hard to ease myself from what I went through. Many times, I was unsuccessful.

    After contemplating on all the above, I realized something: If someone can change something in my life, it’s me!

    The normal path we all choose is: plan -> effort-> outcome.

    And the outcome is usually one of the three:

    • Best effort -> success -> acceptable
    • Weak effort -> failure -> acceptable
    • Repeated best efforts -> unforeseen factors -> failure -> not acceptable

    There are plans and then there is effort to work on those plans, and then on top of everything is the result—which, most of the time, is directly proportional to the effort, until there’s a mystery factor, like luck or unforeseen circumstances involved.

    I’ve been unemployed for two years now.

    I got married two years ago, and my husband had a job in another country. After we got married, I had the choice of quitting my job and relocating with him or hanging onto my job and persuading my company to give me an intra-company transfer. I tried the latter, but it didn’t work out.

    So I quit my job and relocated with my husband. I was pleased with my decision, and so was most of my family. With a strong job profile, I was confident that I could nail a job in any country, any time I wanted.

    But that was not the case. I tried to get a job, but I couldn’t. There was failure at every step. I slowly lost all the self-confidence I had. My personality just faded away. (more…)

  • Strength in Times of Doubt: 11 Tips for Tough Times

    Strength in Times of Doubt: 11 Tips for Tough Times

    “We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.” ~Unknown

    There is no question that we are living in a time of doubt, fear, uncertainty, and economic frustration. Only recently have I experienced this doubt on a gut level, the kind that can punch hard and make you sick.

    I am writing because I want this to change, but also because I know other people are dealing with this same thing.

    After spending nine years in school, four degrees later, I found myself unemployed and overqualified. My passion for social work and education loomed far in the distance as employment prospects appeared to be minimal.

    At times, it felt like the news reports were telling me that there was no future for me.

    That is an extreme perception, but at the time I believed it.

    During interviews, I was either under-qualified or overqualified. Time after time, when people and family asked me what I was doing, I would respond, “Looking for a job,” only to have them look at me with pity and say, “Good luck; it’s so hard out there.”

    Every time, it hurt more than the first.

    In addition to this lovely transition, my grandmother died rather suddenly.

    She was the rock of my youth and a source of timeless happiness. For her to go and not ever see me as something more than a permanent student, living from one retail job to another, ate away at me and ultimately led to a depressed state.

    She loved me greatly and thought the world of me, but I feared that this label of being “unemployed” took over and disqualified any belief or hope she ever had in me. (more…)

  • Finding a Brave Heart and Overcoming Self-Made Limitations

    Finding a Brave Heart and Overcoming Self-Made Limitations

    “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    It was on the anniversary of Scottish poet Robert Burns’ birthday, or “Burns Night” as it is affectionately known as in Scotland, that my sister rescued a terrified stray dog who came to be named BraveHeart (or Brava for short).

    We thought the name was apt as Braveheart is also a film starring Mel Gibson as William Wallace, who was a famous warrior during the Wars of Scottish Independence.

    Brava is a big, long-legged black dog, with the limbs of a greyhound and a head reminiscent of a Pyreneean hunting dog crossed with a Labrador, but despite any theoretical physical shortcomings he is a handsome dog with a big mushy heart.

    He is also a strong dog, and as his muscle builds up each day, we witness him getting stronger. Just as Michelangelo carved the angel out of the marble, so Brava is transforming into my sister’s guardian angel.

    As the days progress, Brava is becoming much less fearful. He now likes to come out on long walks and enjoys exploring most new places.

    He still likes to retreat to his own chosen sanctuary under a horse truck; and is still scared of most men but it is still early days. However, every day there is progress, and little by little, Brava is becoming who he needs to be, the dog he was destined to become.

    During this short healing period Brava will figure out who he is, why he is, where he is, and what he is. We humans spend a lifetime trying to figure this out, but Brava does not have that luxury, he just is whatever he is in any given moment.  

    Of course we all know dogs live in the now; or at least that’s what we keep on being told. (more…)

  • The Fortune in Fear

    The Fortune in Fear

    “He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

    I remember hearing this idea somewhere that courage was not the absence of fear, but rather, the ability to do something in the presence of it.

    I am scared of being on a boat. I always was. When I was 18, I dated a guy who had a boat, and I decided to brave my fear and get on it for a three day voyage across the Mediterranean. I know, I could have started by peddling in a canoe in a pond, but no—three days, no sight of land.

    There was a guy on the boat who was all tough and cool, and he kept saying, “Come on get over it.”

    He missed the point. I got over it. I was on the boat; that was about as much as I could do. Scared of it, and yet doing it.

    I asked the cool, tough guy what he was afraid of, and he said horses. I happened to have a horse and to not be scared of them an ounce. I invited him to join me after the boat debacle. He said never. Aha! I was on the boat, and he would not come to ride a horse. Get my drift?

    Well, I am scared of public speaking, and there I was last month doing a TEDx Talk. The fear was so strong some nights that I literally stayed up till dawn. But I did it. I loved it actually.

    Maybe there is a direct link between how hard I imagined it would be and how joyful it felt to complete it.

    As long as we don’t let it stop us, fear is a friend, believe it or not. It ignites more power inside of us, so we can jump higher. It is the fear, the managed fear that fuels our engines.

    I am still scared of boats and speaking in public, and I am still going to do both. I have never spoken to anyone who said they were afraid of doing something and regretted doing it after they overcame their fear.

    We feel good when we overcome our fears. We know we are bigger than them.

    We know that we are meant to transcend them.

    That is why we love watching athletes push beyond the average boundaries. We instinctively know what they had to overcome to get to where we see them. And to witness someone overcome their fear is a sure way to ignite our engines!

    Photo by mdpai75

  • Finding Beauty in Your Scars

    Finding Beauty in Your Scars

    “Because of your smile, you make life more beautiful.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Beauty is a concept I struggle with—what it means, why it matters. I struggle because huge chunks of my life have not been beautiful. They have been ugly, marred by trauma, with pain, and anger.

    We think of beauty and often visualize glossy magazine pages and wafer thin models. We see beauty as superficial—eye color, hair texture, and numbers on a scale. We see beauty as something to be measured and weighed.

    I don’t see beauty that way. I see beauty as the grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I find beauty in my scars.  

    We all have scars, inside and out. We have freckles from sun exposure, emotional trigger points, broken bones, and broken hearts.

    However our scars manifest, we need not feel ashamed but beautiful.

    It is beautiful to have lived, really lived, and to have the marks to prove it. It’s not a competition—as in “My scar is better than your scar”—but it’s a testament of our inner strength.

    It takes nothing to wear a snazzy outfit well, but to wear our scars like diamonds? Now that is beautiful.

    Fifteen years ago, I would have laughed at this assertion.

    “Are you crazy?” I’d say, while applying lipstick before bed. I was that insecure, lips stained, hair fried by a straightening iron, pores clogged by residue foundation, all in an attempt to be different from how I naturally was, to be beautiful for someone else.

    I covered my face to hide because it hurt to look at myself in the mirror. I was afraid my unbeautiful truth would show somehow through my skin—that people would know I had been abused, that I as a result was starving myself, harming myself in an effort to cope. I was afraid people would see that I was clinging to life by a shredding thread.

    Now? I see scars and I see stories. I see a being who has lived, who has depth, who is a survivor. Living is beautiful. Being a part of this world is beautiful, smile-worthy, despite the tears.

    Beauty isn’t a hidden folder full of Kate Moss images for a kid dying to forget and fit in, a lifted face, a fat injected smile, or six-pack abs. It is the smile we are born with, the smile that sources from the divine inside, the smile that can endure, even if we’ve been through a lot.

    Emotional pain is slow to heal, as I have been slow to heal. My healing started with a word I received as a birthday gift. It was a photograph my friend took of a forest, the word “forgive” painted in pink on a stone. I didn’t understand why that word meant something until I really started to think about it.

    I blamed myself for so long for things that weren’t my fault. Life stopped being beautiful to me, I stopped feeling beautiful inside, and my smile stopped shining beauty out into the world.

    I think in order for us to make life beautiful we need to feel our smiles as we feel our frowns.  (more…)

  • The Relief and Power of Accepting Your Struggles (and Finding Hidden Gifts)

    The Relief and Power of Accepting Your Struggles (and Finding Hidden Gifts)

    “It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

    I love acceptance. Acts of surrender create forward momentum.

    If we all pause for a moment and observe what we are fighting, right here and right now—maybe depression, anxiety, weight gain, low self-image, or financial stress—we’ll have an opportunity to accept then.

    But that’s just the start.

    Recently I accepted something I never thought I would. Reframing the way I thought about it changed my life.

    I have moderate to severe OCD. Having OCD is basically like believing everything that goes through your mind. Scary, right?

    Obsessive-compulsive people have intrusive and extremely terrifying thoughts—for example, that he or she may have been contaminated by something, which might lead him or her to spend hours washing. I have a base underlying all of my obsessions: that I will hurt people. It was and can be my greatest fear.

    For example, I used to worry that I left the oven or iron on and that, in doing so, I may have burned the house down, which would ruin my husband’s life and also kill our cat. So I’d return home multiple times per day to check these appliances and also send my husband home to check. I also had massive rituals around shutting appliances off.

    OCD is a time-sucker. Obsessive compulsives create rituals to lower the anxiety. I’d check to make sure I didn’t leave the iron on, do everything evenly on both sides of my body so I felt “balanced,” retrace events that happened in my life to make absolutely certain I hadn’t harmed anyone accidentally, and search the internet excessively for answers.

    These rituals literally took up hours my day.

    I discovered that I had OCD one afternoon when I was trying to figure out how you know something for certain.

    Try googling that.

    The first thing that popped up for my search query was about obsessive-compulsive disorder. I felt immediate relief. (more…)

  • 10 Places to Find Hope When Life Knocks You Down

    10 Places to Find Hope When Life Knocks You Down

    “He who has health has hope, and he who has hope has everything.” ~Proverb

    In the spring of 2006, I was training for the MS 150, a cycling event to raise funds for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. I was hopeful that I could contribute to MS research and support. Someone close to me has MS and I wanted to help.

    About a month into my spin classes and outdoor training, I started to feel bad. I was tired, weak, and having some balance issues.

    I never got to participate in the ride. In fact, shortly after the event date, I had my own MS diagnosis. My most debilitating symptom was vertigo. I couldn’t walk a straight line, let alone ride a bike.

    I was shocked by my diagnosis. I was sad and I was scared, but I was hopeful. Right from the start I was hopeful that I would regain my health, and help others with MS. Just having hope wasn’t enough, but at the same time it was everything.

    When something happens that threatens to leave you hopeless, remember that you are strong. You are resilient and you can take the necessary steps to protect hope and encourage change.

    Without hope, there is no next step. Without hope, there is no possibility of happiness. I choose hope. (more…)

  • How to Deal with Pain and Uncertainty

    How to Deal with Pain and Uncertainty

    “The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.” ~C.C. Scott

    A blueberry muffin, that’s the last thing we spoke about before she went under.

    I didn’t know it then, but it was to be the final conversation my (middle) daughter and I would have for a very long time. I was trying to distract Nava by talking about food; in this case, the promise of the rest of her muffin when she came back from the bronchoscopy.

    We were thrown a steep curve ball out of left field when Nava went for an exploratory procedure and ended up on a respirator in a drug-induced paralyzed coma. 

    Almost three months later, miraculously, she was slowly awakened, but not to any muffin; rather, to a  life that would require a strength of spirit, body, and soul unlike anything we could’ve ever imagined.

    Nava was in an uphill battle to rebuild her life, muscle by muscle, limb by limb, as she relearned and reclaimed each bodily function.

    Her spirit, attitude, and disposition carried her through this torturous climb and that carried me through, as well.  You could say I piggybacked on my daughter’s positive, brave, fighting spirit.

    What do you do when your feet are jello, the ground is mush, and you’re drowning in a dark abyss of unknowns, amidst horrific pain and suffering? How do you begin to grope along the edge and regain some sense of grounding? (more…)