Tag: stories

The Magic of Rewriting Our Most Painful Stories

“When you bring peace to your past, you can move forward to your future.” ~Unknown

It amazes me how things that happen in our childhood can greatly impact our adult lives. I learned the hard way that I was living my life with a deep wound in my heart.

My father was a very strict man with a temper when I was little, starting when I was around seven years old.

He had a way of making me feel like all my efforts were not enough. If I scored an 8 in a math exam, he would say, “Why 8 and not 10?” and then punish me. It was a time when some parents thought that beating their children was a way to “put them in place” and teach them a lesson. All this taught me, though, was that I was a disappointment.

His favorite phrase was “You will never be better than me.”

As I got older, his temper cooled down a bit, but one thing didn’t change: his painful remarks. “At your age, I was already married, had a house, a car, two daughters, and a piece of land… what have YOU accomplished? See? You will never surpass me.”

It was his way of “inspiring me” to do better with my life, but it had the opposite effect on me. It was slowly killing my self-esteem.

When my father passed away, I was seven-year-old Cerise all over again. At the funeral, I asked him, “Daddy, did I finally make you proud? Did I do good with my life?”

This was the trigger that made me rethink what I was doing with my life. I had to stop for a moment to look at the past. This can be very difficult to do, but sometimes we need to face those painful events in order to understand the nature of our poor decisions and behavior.

It helped me realize that, unconsciously, I was looking for my father’s approval in the guys I dated. And you know what? It got me nothing but disappointment and heartache, because I was looking for something that they couldn’t give me.

Inside, I was still that little girl looking for her father’s love.

When you are a child, you are considered a victim, but when you are a grown up, it is your duty to heal from what was done to you. You just can’t go through life feeling sorry for yourself and complaining about the hand you were dealt. This just keeps you stuck in a sad, joyless life and jeopardizes your relationships.

In my case, I had to give that little girl the love she so needed in order to stop feeling lonely and stop making the same mistakes.

The only approval that I needed was my own! When I realized that, I started learning to love myself—regardless of my accomplishments—and I also developed compassion toward my father because I recognized that he was raised the same way he raised me.

He probably also felt he needed to be the best at everything he did in order to win his parents’ approval. And maybe he thought if I wasn’t the best at everything I did I would never be valued or loved by anyone else.

Understanding this enabled me to forgive him, break the cycle, and finally let him go.

So, what makes us slaves to anger, resentment, and abandonment issues? I think it’s the way we keep telling the story in our heads, and this is something that we can transform.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting we sweep things under the rug and pretend like nothing happened. We cannot change the past, and certainly we cannot turn a blind eye to it, but we can modify the way we retell the story to ourselves, and this can be a step toward inner healing.

I decided to give the difficult parts of my childhood experience another meaning. I edited the way I tell myself the story, and this is how it sounds now:

“My father was a strict man because he wanted me to succeed in life. He taught me to give my best in every task assigned to me; he didn’t make things easier for me because he wanted me to become strong in character and to find a solution in every situation. Daddy constantly challenged me because he wanted me to develop my potential to the fullest so I could face life and its difficulties.

I’m certain that when my father departed from this world, he did it in peace knowing that he left behind a strong and brave daughter.”

This is now the story of my childhood, and you know what? I think I like this version better! It’s helped me close the wound I had in my heart. My childhood left a scar, but it’s not hurting anymore.

My gift to you today is this: Close your eyes and picture a pencil. Do you know why a pencil has an eraser? To remove the things we don’t like, giving us the freedom to rewrite them into something that we feel more comfortable with.

You can’t change the facts from your past, but you can change how you interpret them, so feel rewrite as much as you need.

Your wounds will hurt a lot less when you broaden your perspective, try to understand the people who hurt you, and change the meaning of what you’ve been through.

February 9, 2021
Why We Close Ourselves Off to Friendships and How to Open Up
“If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you.” ~Louise Hay

Picking the flimsy gold lock on my groovy denim-covered childhood diary, I’m instantly transported back to my ten-year-old life.

Each page duly describes what I what I ate for dinner that day as well as what my two best friends and I got up to. It was 1976 and we were obsessed with Charlie’s Angels, cruising around “undercover” on our bikes, solving fresh crimes around the neighborhood.

Every couple of weeks I’d report the latest drama amongst the three of us. Either my two friends had inexplicably turned against me, or one of them had coerced me into siding with them in a never-ending series of turmoil.

By the time we were teenagers, we’d drifted apart and I’d started struggling to form female friendships that weren’t fraught with gossip or backstabbing

When I got to university I’d firmly made up my mind that girls weren’t to be trusted and I only wanted guy friends. I made an exception for one girlfriend who felt the same, and we went on to be roommates, priding ourselves on our fun circle of male-only friends.

It’s fascinating to reflect on how belief systems are formed. The more I told myself this story of females being intrinsically bad news, the more I avoided getting close to any. As I grew into an adult, my theory was again proven as I got sucked into more dramas and gossip.

Once I got married, my husband became my best friend. He was never jealous of my male friends, and we enjoyed a great social life with other couples. However, after we started a family I found myself navigating fresh female waters: the mothers at the school gates!

I immediately sensed a minefield of gossip and competitiveness. It would have been easier to drop my kids off and go, but I had their social lives to think about too.

Thankfully, I got back into journaling around this time, and I used it as a way to get to know myself better. I explored my struggles on paper and tapped into my wiser, all-knowing self to discover that, for me, the secret to having great female friendships was to see special ones individually, never forming a group.

I turned down all invitations for ‘Girls Nights Out’ or weekends away, as that dynamic wasn’t appealing. I now had a small handful of genuinely lovely girlfriends whose company I cherished and who shared my values of trust and openness. I made a point of seeing them one-to-one and never introduced them to each other, treasuring our meaningful conversations.

One day I heard about a series of life coaching workshops and felt immediately drawn to sign up. I invited a dear friend to join me, but she couldn’t make it, so I invited another special friend who eagerly accepted. How fun to have a once-a-week date together to focus on our lives. But then something ‘terrible’ happened. The first friend I’d invited called back and said she’d rearranged her schedule and was excited to now be able to join me after all!

This sent my head into a spin. I decided my only choice was go with them both.

Although we all lived on the same street, I’d deliberately never introduced them to each other because of my flashbacks to the three-way friendship dramas of my childhood. “One-to-one friendships only” had become my rule.

Together in the car on our way to the first workshop, I endured small talk and introductions, rather than delving into meaningful subjects as I normally did with each of them. But by the time we left the workshop venue, we were all riding on a high of inspiration, so we headed straight to a restaurant to download our insights over lunch.

We did the same thing again every week and by the time the course ended, we’d agreed to form a monthly meet-up for the ‘soul’ purpose of working on our lives together.

That was in 2008, and we’ve met every month since.

Our Power Posse is based on absolute openness and deep mutual trust. Having our monthly check-in to share on how each area of our life is going helps us clarify our intentions and goals. It gives us accountability and motivation to live our best lives.

We’ve even run retreats together, inviting other women with a growth-mindset to join us. I’d have never imagined this back when I was still telling myself the false story that females aren’t to be trusted.

In my case, I held myself back with the limiting belief that group dynamics among women were dangerous. Perhaps you hold a different belief that prevents you from forming and maintaining friendships, for example:
- No one really gets me.
- I ruin all my relationships.
- I’m too intense or too sensitive for people.
- People always disappoint you eventually.
- You can’t ever really trust anyone with your personal life.
- I can’t relate to any of these people.
- Everyone already has all the friends they want at my age.
We form many of these beliefs out of direct experience from our past. When something painful happens, we draw a conclusion about why it’s happened in an attempt to avoid that same situation in the future. That conclusion feels like a fact, and it then forms a belief that we carry through life. This affects how we think, act, and feel—about ourselves and others.

Limiting social beliefs are often amplified by a fear of rejection, criticism, ridicule, or betrayal. We proceed with undue caution in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt. This leads to limiting decisions. We cut ourselves off from what’s possible by painting ourselves into a box that feels safe. We miss out on opportunities that would enrich our lives.

In order to break free from these limitations we need to act against our self-protecting instincts. It’s okay to take baby steps if you need to. Start by setting an intention. What aspects of your social life or a specific friendship make you feel unhappy or disconnected? Which limiting beliefs may be hindering you? What would you need to believe instead to welcome more people into your life?

For example, “I can’t really trust anyone with my personal life” could turn into, “There are people out there than I can trust—I just haven’t met them yet.” This positive expectation shifts the energy around it. Now you can begin to collect new evidence to back up this belief by opening up more regularly, sharing more authentically, and increasing the likelihood of making a solid connection with someone you can trust.

Our belief system is powerful, so it’s important to pay attention to when you might be telling yourself a limiting story. The more awareness you bring to your beliefs, the quicker you’ll make the shifts needed to let them go.

Shedding my own limiting beliefs has opened the door for a multitude of incredible females to come into my life over the past ten years. They’ve shined a light on my own greatness, and we’ve inspired each other to reach even higher for our biggest dreams. The same can happen for you.

What stories from your past have carried on into your present life? Are you willing to let go of any limiting beliefs that aren’t serving you so you open yourself up to new people and experiences?
March 18, 2019
A Simple Phrase That Can Prevent Arguments and Resentment

“It’s not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.” ~Tony Robbins

I am always making up stories about what others think of me or what they really meant when they made that comment. And I typically make up the worst case scenario. According to my brain, everyone is mean-spirited and ridiculing me.

This is not an uplifting way to live one’s life. The pessimistic stories I create are generated in part by my low self-esteem, and by convincing myself they’re true, I continue to fuel it. My constantly negative perceptions affect my relationships with others and overall mood in a harmful way.

I recently experienced a huge breakthrough in regard to this aspect of my thought processes. I am a huge fan of Dr. Brené Brown’s work and recently read her newest book Rising Strong. One of my biggest takeaways was this one phrase that will improve your relationships: “The story I’m making up…”

Why We Make Up Stories

As humans, our brains make up stories. We automatically search for meaning. If there is a lack of information, then we will try to fill in that gap.

Studies have shown that we like stories to make sense or fulfill a pattern, and we will use our own experiences as reference for this.

Brown actually says that research shows we get a dopamine hit when we recognize a pattern. Our brains especially like it if the story can give us more insight into how to protect ourselves and secure our survival.

This is why we make up stories to explain why bad things happen. If we know the cause, next time we can plan accordingly to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately, even though we honestly believe them to be true, the stories we make up are usually at least somewhat inaccurate.

This is where the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” works to clear things up in our interactions with others.

How to Use It

“The story I’m making up…” can be used in times of struggle or conflict with another person. Perhaps a co-worker quickly changed the subject after you expressed a concern about a project. You can use this phrase to say, “The story I’m making up is that I’m being dismissed because my opinion is not valued.”

Or maybe your significant other flipped on the television when it’s supposed to be date night. You can say, “The story I’m making up is that our relationship is not a priority to you.” It is an effective tool that can be used in family, friend, work, and romantic relationships.

Recently my husband and I were arguing. He shared his feelings with me, which is often challenging for him. Because I know he really appreciates physical affection (and I struggle to give it), I chose to pull him into a hug instead of responding verbally.

The hug did not feel reciprocal as his arms were loosely around me. I was vulnerable when I offered physical affection, and his lackluster embrace registered as a cold shoulder to me. I was feeling very hurt as I told him, “The story I’m making up is that this lifeless hug is an expression of rejection.”

He apologized and explained that he did not intend to reject me; he was just feeling thrown off by my lack of spoken response.

His mind was whirling trying to figure out a sense-making story as well. “The story I’m making up…” created a space for us to share our intentions and feelings and work through the misunderstandings in a calm and safe environment.

Why Use It

The beauty of this phrase is that it provides the setting to speak openly without initiating a defensive reaction from whomever you’re speaking with. It allows you to honestly express your experience while still taking responsibility for your own feelings. This is a disarming method of communication that leads to a more productive dialogue.

“The story I’m making up…” becomes an opportunity to revisit a confusing or troubling situation. From there you can challenge your perceptions and reality-check them against the viewpoint of the other person. It provides space for the other person to clarify their intentions.

The majority of the time this phrase stops an argument before it can even start for me and my husband. When one of us is feeling confused, hurt, or misunderstood, we tell the other what story we’re making up.

Oftentimes the other person clears up the issue without any conflict because typically our intentions with one another are good.

Miscommunication and negative assumption are the causes of so much unintentional and unnecessary conflict in relationships. Instead of getting into a fight or silently resenting the other person, using the phrase, “The story I’m making up…” establishes a safe place for meaningful dialogue to gain better understanding of the situation and one another.

You may realize there actually is no issue, or if there is, you can continue to work through it together in a respectful and effective manner.

Communication image via Shutterstock

December 13, 2015
How to Change Your Life by Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself

“Change your thoughts and you change your world.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

I used to watch people on the streets and in restaurants and think that their boisterous conversations and broad smiles were evidence that they lived a life much better than mine.

I assumed that they were happier than me, smarter than me, and worth more than me. All around me was evidence that this was true: my meager bank account, my junky car, my thrift store clothes.

I would sit in my apartment and try to imagine what it would be like to be someone else.

I wondered what it would be like to be someone who could afford to go to the movies and go out to eat, someone who bought new clothes and shoes, or someone who had a good job. Even imagining this seemed too hard. I felt as if life was stacked against me.

Have you ever felt like everyone else was doing better than you? Have you ever felt like the deck was so stacked against you that you would never catch up? I understand that feeling. I had it for much of my adult life.

I was always a dreamer with big ideas and ridiculous plans, but I was unable to make those plans a reality because the story I told myself was that I wasn’t enough. As long as I continued to tell myself that story, I would continue to be not enough.

The current state of your life is a direct result of the stories you tell yourself, and what you really believe is possible—not what you say is possible, but what you believe deep down in your core.

My story about not being good enough showed itself in every aspect of my life—my job, my family, my social life.

Until I was able to open my eyes and change my story, these aspects of my life were not getting better. You receive what you are telling your subconscious mind you deserve. I was telling my mind that I wasn’t good enough and that’s what I saw all around me.

If you change the limiting stories you tell yourself, you will be able to change your life.

I realized this one day when I was watching a Tony Robbins video on YouTube. Yes, I’d heard it plenty of times before, but for some reason on that day, at that time, it really clicked. You will learn the lessons you most need when you are ready for them, and I was finally ready.

Identifying Your Story

The first step in changing a limiting belief is identifying it.

Identifying my story about not being good enough was surprisingly difficult for me initially because I told myself that story for so long that I didn’t think of it as a story at all. I thought of it as true and that was, at its heart, quite ridiculous. It took a lot of thought before I even realized that this was the story I was telling myself.

What limiting story are you telling yourself? Maybe it’s that you’ll never find love or that you’ll never earn over a certain amount of money. Maybe it’s that you are too shy to speak in public or that you are terrible at small talk. Maybe you think you’ll never make a living doing what you love or that you are not smart enough to succeed.

All of these things are stories. The difference between you and the people doing the thing that you’ve always wanted to do is the stories you tell yourselves. Changing that story is one of the most important steps to changing your life.

Shifting Your Story

Now that you’ve identified your story, you have to make a new one for yourself.

For me, it was simply deciding that I was just as good as anyone else and I deserved just as much as anyone else. It’s a really simple non-specific story, but it countered my previous limiting one. Think about your limiting story. How can you change that story to make it empowering?

Supporting a New Story

A new story in itself is not always enough. That story needs to be rooted in something. You have to believe it, and changing your beliefs can be the most difficult thing of all. When I decided to change my story about myself, I looked around at my life for evidence that the new story was true.

For example, I knew I had friends and family who loved me and certainly thought I was good enough to receive that love.

When I looked at my life objectively I realized that I’d actually accomplished quite a bit. I’d always done well in school. I’d written quite a large body of work that I enjoyed and liked. I always went out of my way to be kind and helpful to others. These are all things that, in my eyes, made me just as good as anyone else.

As I started to look at my situation more, I realized that one of my core problems was “the anyone else” part of my story. I was comparing myself to others, and that will lead to unhappiness most of the time.

Instead of thinking of myself as just as good as anyone else, I started to change my story again to simply say that I am good.

Can you find evidence around you that can support your new story? Does looking at that evidence make you realize that you need to make any changes to your new story?

Emotions Are Key

Supporting your new story with facts will help you believe it, but what really anchors it into your life is associating it with positive emotions.

I started meditating every morning and every evening for twenty minutes. Once my meditation was over, before I got up, I’d visualize something that is connected to my new story. Because my story was so broad, that visualization could include any number of things.

I’d imagine myself having relaxed conversations with people at a social event where I was contributing equally to the conversation. I’d imagine myself working at a job that I loved and doing really well at it.

I’d imagine these things very concretely. I’d really get into the visualization and wouldn’t get up until I felt the joy that these activities would bring me deep inside.

I am a writer and am prone to imagination, so this was quite easy for me. We all have the capability to imagine, so give it a shot and see what happens.

Nothing Happens Without Action

Sitting around visualizing isn’t enough to make change happen in your life. I’m a strong believer in action. That’s where you really start to see the change happen.

Now that you have a new story about your life, you’ll be able to see opportunities in places you’ve never noticed them before. You’ll also have the courage to try things that you never did before.

I immediately started challenging myself. I started making a conscious effort to speak up in social situations and to express my opinion. I started asserted my needs more. I was able to see things for a more positive perspective.

I’m not saying that I am always successful. I most certainly am not. Sometimes I fall back into old habits, but I remember that simply making the effort gets me a step closer to my ideal than I was before.

Be Kind to Yourself

The physical circumstances around you won’t change overnight. You won’t change your story to being abundant and then suddenly have millions of dollars in your bank account the next morning. What will happen, though, is that you will recognize the opportunities that will get you there.

Don’t be angry with yourself or the universe if it doesn’t happen fast enough for you, or if you fail to make the changes you want all once. Taking small steps in the right direction every day will get you were you need to be. It’s important to be consistent.

Don’t beat yourself up if you fall back into old habits. We are often our biggest critics. Just pick yourself up and start again. It’s the ability to continue moving forward that will get you to your goal.

Happy woman jumping image via Shutterstock

December 31, 2014
Stop Assuming the Worst: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality

“Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.” ~Buddha

My morning bicycle ride had been uneventful until I spotted a small lump in the middle of the bike path. It wasn’t a twig, a dead mouse, or a smelly “gift” from a dog, which are some of the most common sightings during my rides.

It was a perfect, intact slice of bread.

In a nanosecond, my mind created several versions of how this piece of bread had ended up where it was.

I pictured a young mother pushing a stroller and her two-year-old tossing the bread out to the side. But no one in her right mind would give a whole slice of bread without butter or jam to a picky toddler.

“Well,” I said to myself, “Maybe this was the woman’s first child, and she had no clue what to feed little children.” Now, this woman’s poor choices had resulted in perfectly good food being wasted.

My mind then traveled to countries where a good slice of bread (or any kind of food) is very hard to find, and I started to feel anger.

That’s when a voice inside told me, “There you go again, making up stories in your head.” I chuckled at my crazy imagination. And that’s when it hit me: We all create stories in our head, and many of these stories make our lives miserable.

I used to be a pro at assuming the worst.

I remember being upset that a friend seemed to be ignoring me and hadn’t returned my emails, until I realized I had been sending the messages to her old (and inactive) address.

I recall the time I paid an evening visit to Wal-Mart, and when I spotted a man running in my direction in the parking lot, I thought I was going to be attacked. The man only wanted to ask for a couple of dollars because his motorcycle had run out of gas.

I remember a time in my life in which all the pieces were falling perfectly into place, and instead of rejoicing in the moment, I wondered when the next disaster would happen because life couldn’t be so good.

The stories in our head come courtesy of our subconscious mind, which has been programmed since the moment of our conception. But without going into the technicality of how our subconscious mind is programmed, what matters is that we make our own reality.

So how do we know when we’re judging things correctly or when our mind is playing tricks? The answer is, we don’t know.

But we can learn to reprogram our subconscious mind. We can deactivate the programs that lead to unhappiness and replace them with uplifting thoughts of love.

How do we reprogram the subconscious mind? The following have worked well for me:

Become aware and inquisitive.

Every time a thought that produces a negative emotion pops into your head, contemplate the origin of this thought and question the validity of it. Remember that beliefs are nothing more than repeated thoughts, so question your beliefs as well.

Feed positive programs to your mind.

Once you’re aware of a negative story in your head, replace it with its positive counterpart.

In my case, I could’ve chosen to think that my friend wasn’t receiving my emails, and called her instead of insisting on sending more emails. I could’ve also assumed the man who asked for money had good intentions, and that my life could actually be good and joyful.

Make your environment positive.

Surround yourself with peaceful, uplifting stimuli. Instead of going out to the bar to yell to be heard and to get drunk, meet up with friends for dinner and make real connections. Instead of watching the disasters in the news, go out for a walk in nature.

Associate with positive people.

Think of your current relationships, and define whether some of those people are feeding negative programs to your subconscious mind. Send the toxic people away from your life, and welcome those who share your values and love you for who you really are.

Changing the crazy thoughts in your head requires attention and practice, but once you’ve made progress, you’ll notice how amazing life turns out to be. As Dr. Wayne Dyer says, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Photo by Marcos Dias

October 15, 2013
Get Unstuck: Stop Believing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

We’ve all done it, right? Somehow, somewhere, something bad happened to us and since that moment we’ve continued to tell ourselves the story about what might and could go wrong in our future.

For me, the biggest negative pattern I’ve had to release stems from my parents’ divorce. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a positive person. When I was a kid I was happy-go-lucky, nothing much bothered me, and life was pretty awesome.

Also, being an only child I was always close with my parents. The thought that they wouldn’t be together was something that never entered my mind.

Then they split up when I was 18 and things began to change. I made different choices and I also began to believe that all romantic relationships were doomed.

A few years later, just after I had split up with my long-term partner, I was in LA spending a lovely afternoon watching US daytime TV. Nothing much was on, but every channel I flicked to seemed to mention the word “marriage” or “divorce.”

I also happened to be reading Wayne Dyer’s Your Sacred Self at the time, and suddenly it all made sense:

I had been telling myself stories like “Marriages never last forever” and “All relationships are doomed,” and in essence I was creating my reality.

I finally realized that my beliefs about relationships had been causing me to attract those exact experiences.

I was giving these negative stories power and acting on them. I was skeptical that I would be able to have a successful and happy relationship, which caused me to see everything that could go wrong. I ultimately initiated our break-up because I believed that it was inevitable.

The very experiences we fear keep repeating themselves if we continue to focus on them and give them power. We’ve got to become aware and first change ourselves if we want our reality to change.

Now that I’m a few years on from that, I have replaced my negative relationship beliefs with new, positive thought patterns.

Now, I believe my current relationship is a lifetime partnership and as a result, I act in a way that manifests that type of relationship without worry and doubt. I take responsibility for my part of the relationship, and because I have positive thinking patterns I bring my best self to the table. This allows me and my partner to have confidence and faith as we plan our lives together.

Our experiences reflect our beliefs, so it benefits us to make them positive.

Here are a few questions to help you get to the root of your negative beliefs so you can make changes in your life:

1. What are the negative stories you’ve been telling yourself?

Is there an area in your life where you seem to struggle? Which experiences trigger negative thoughts?

It’s time to narrow in on the beliefs that are keeping you from living the life that you want.

2. Where do those negative beliefs come from?

What happened in your past? Did someone in a position of authority make a negative comment about you that you’ve held on to?

Just know that you can’t change what has happened or what someone said to you or about you. But you do have the power to decide not to allow those experiences to control your life in this moment.

3. Why are you holding on to those negative beliefs?

Which needs are you fulfilling by holding on to these beliefs? For example, are you getting attention by playing the victim?

By not letting go of negative beliefs, we keep ourselves trapped in a vicious cycle, repeating the same pattern over and over again. Life will continue to give us lessons until we learn, grow, and move past it.

We need to make a change within ourselves to move forward and break through to a new reality.

4. What does your future look like if you let go of these beliefs?

Close your eyes and imagine your future if you didn’t have these thoughts. Notice all the amazing things that you close yourself off from just by holding on to your negative beliefs.

What can you do in this moment to move toward that future?

Holding on to past experiences and old beliefs gives you an excuse to continue to repeat the same behavior. It justifies negative thought patterns and keeps you in that loop.

It’s time to break the pattern and realize you have the power to shape your reality!

Photo by Hanna Irblinger fotografie

September 30, 2013
Book Giveaway: Chicken Soup for the Soul 20th Anniversary Edition
Update: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. The winners:
If you enjoy touching, uplifting stories, you’ve likely stumbled upon the Chicken Soup for the Soul series at one time or another.

What started with one book two decades ago has expanded to more than 200 titles, providing motivation and inspiration to millions of people of all ages, from all over the world.

The newly released 20^th anniversary edition includes all of the original stories from the first book and 20 new ones from writers including Deepak Chopra, Dr. Mehmet Oz, don Miguel Ruiz—and me!

When publisher Heidi Krupp-Lisiten contacted me with this opportunity, I was honored and beyond excited. And now I’m excited to share it with you.

The Giveaway

To enter to win 1 of 5 free books:
- Leave a comment on this post sharing the most inspiring thing you’ve heard lately. It can be a quote, something a loved one said to you, something you saw on TV or heard in a song—anything you found inspiring.
- For an extra chance to win, tweet: Giveaway: Chicken Soup for the Soul 20th Anniversary Edition – RT & comment on the @tinybuddha post to win! http://bit.ly/18GFU0F
You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, August 23^rd.

Learn more about Chicken Soup for the Soul, the 20th Anniversary Edition, on Amazon.
August 20, 2013
Let Go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in Your Head
“The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

For a very long time fear has controlled me. It has paralyzed me, kept me living in desperate situations, and stopped me from living the life of my dreams.

It has only been with age and the practice of mindfulness these last few years that I have come to recognize the fear within me, having finally begun the process of facing it.

By facing fear, I don’t mean that I’ve started base-jumping, purposely trapped myself in elevators, or allowed tarantulas to climb all over my body.

I mean that I’ve sat in meditation, watched the fears arise, and rather than react to them or allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life, I’ve observed them in my mind from a distance.

I’ve felt how they’ve manifested in my body, and I’ve moved into that physical discomfort in order to pay attention to fear in a way I’ve never allowed myself to do before.

When I think about the compulsive and addictive activities that have kept me stuck in a place of fear in the past, they all come from stories that play through my head everyday. For example:

Shopping

I shop to feel better about myself. I believe that the pair of celebrity-endorsed high heels I’ve just bought will make me glamorous enough to fit in with the goddesses I see around me and therefore help me feel accepted.

Interestingly, I don’t feel bad about myself unless I’m comparing myself to others. Therefore, in the comparing, I’m looking at others who have what I don’t have and as a result, fear that I’m unstylish, lacking in physical appeal, or not beautiful enough.

Overeating

When the new pair of high heels I’ve been wearing to work everyday go unnoticed, start to slowly destroy my feet, and still haven’t prompted an invite to the “right” parties, I give up and start to search the fridge.

I discover a tub of ice-cream or pack of cookies that may not make me more beautiful or accepted, but help me to fill my stomach up and create a fullness in the exact place that fear is beginning to dig a deeper and deeper hole inside of me.

Television

When that sick feeling deep down in my stomach starts rising again, but this time from a mix of cookies and cream and a base of fear, I sit in the comfiest chair I can find and reach for the remote control.

Rather than listen to the personal derision that I’ve switched to repeat in my mind, I watch re-runs of my favorite reality show. I can then cheer the reality star on as I would a friend. Or, I can sit and degrade them to make myself feel better by utilizing the meanest thoughts I have going through my head, now targeted towards them.

Surfing

I would love to say that after this fear based self-pity and hatred party I would choose to hit the shore with my trusty long board to work off that ice-cream, but unless that board comes with a qwerty keyboard, I’m more inclined to stay at home.

Only after watching other people live their busy lives does it actually register that I should reach out and connect with my friends.

And having destroyed my feet in high heels, eaten an entire quart of ice-cream all by myself, and vegged out in front of the TV in my PJs, I hardly feel like getting dolled up to go out for some face to face time. Therefore, the next best source of connection is my new best friend—the Internet.

After returning a few pokes, commenting on a couple of friend’s pictures, and then checking my homepage incessantly to see if anyone online has responded to my posts, the night drags on.

I continually stare at a glowing screen as the minutes tick by, unable to disconnect myself from the cyber world and face the fear of being alone with my self-pity and self-hatred.

Reality Check Time

Can you believe that this entire fear-based cycle of self-pity and hatred grew from a simple comparison of what I was wearing to those around me? Unbelievable, right? Not really.

Having observed my mind, I’ve come to understand that a good amount of my daily fear-based suffering starts by making comparisons and then creating stories in my head.

Encouragingly, I am not unique in what I do. However, it is unfortunate to realize that many people who suffer in the same way I do will never learn how to curb their own suffering. They will never give themselves the time to sit, reflect, and watch what comes up in their minds without becoming involved in the stories.

If you would like to take more control over your mind and your suffering, the best practices I know are meditation and mindfulness.

1. First, accept that in order to become more mindful, we must recognize that we are solely responsible for what we do with the thoughts our minds produce.

While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can take control over them and create moments of peace for ourselves.

2. Second, when thoughts or fear arise, try to do the following as soon as you are aware of what’s taking place in your mind and body:
- Stop.
- Take a long, deep breath in and out. In your mind say “in” as you breathe in and “out” as you breathe out in order to ground yourself in the present moment.
- Then, feel the ground beneath your feet. Notice the way your clothes feel against your skin, the wind against your face, the sun on your cheeks. Listen to the birds singing, the rain falling around you, or the ticking of a nearby clock.
All this will ground you in the present moment. Even if thoughts want to drag you away with them, coming back to recognize the breath will give you the control you need to prevent this from happening.

Follow these steps until you feel that the thought or storyline in your mind has moved on, or until you feel that the pull of your thought or fear has dissipated slightly.

At this point, you can return to whatever you were doing, and hopefully you will have prevented yourself from suffering in that moment.

Unfortunately, these steps are by no means a quick fix in saving you from the suffering we all encounter every day. In fact, at first it will take all your energy and resolve not to react to what your mind and ego are doing.

It’s also quite possible that even once you’ve covered these steps, you will still get lost in your thoughts and fears by comparing yourself to others.

Whether you do this or not isn’t the point. The point is that you’ve finally managed to sit back and look at your thoughts and fear. Once you have done this, you’ve begun the process of taking back control of your mind and your life.

No doubt, occasionally you’ll also stop and find yourself right in the middle of buying something you don’t really need or switching on the TV without thinking about what you’re doing.

But, as long as you notice you’re mid-way through handing your credit card to the lovely sales person at the cash register, then you’re on your way to conquering your mind.

The more you practice, the better you will get. The key to all this is not giving up.

I’m not saying you’ll be able to climb to the top of the Burj Al Khalifa on your next trip to Dubai or take a shower with eight beady spider eyes hanging out on the shower head above you.

But you will be able to stop the stories in your head instead of feeling a pull to distract yourself from all the pain they cause you.

So why not give it a shot. Can it really hurt? Well it might, but it’ll hurt for all the right reasons.
March 27, 2011
Letting Go of Stories About Other People

“The biggest problem for humanity, not only on a global level, but even for individuals, is misunderstanding.” ~Rinpoche

Someone cuts you off in traffic.

What a jerk!

A date stands you up.

She obviously doesn’t like you.

Your colleague gives you a dirty look across the room.

Your last email must have really pissed him off!

In so many places in our lives, we see a behavior and automatically make a meaning out of it. Everything from a glance to an email gets snappily run through our minds and attached to a reaction or feeling.

Part of this is biological. As animals, we’re built to rapidly process information so that we can react quickly, if need be. It’s how survival instincts work.

However, most things we’re reacting to aren’t life-or-death level situations.

Here’s how I work with my own brain to stop getting so upset by all these little situations. I call it “Alternate Stories.” (more…)

November 3, 2009