Tiny Buddha

Tag: sensitivity

  • Sensitivity Means Passion, Not Weakness

    Sensitivity Means Passion, Not Weakness

    “The fact that you’re struggling doesn’t make you a burden. It doesn’t make unlovable, undesirable, or undeserving of care. It doesn’t make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. “ ~Daniell Koepke

    A while back, during one of my therapy sessions, I became acquainted with the word “dysthymia.”

    I was puzzled at first, but as my therapist dug deeper into the subject, I realized that complex-sounding term was, in fact, a birth name to the grizzly monster that has been shadowing me for years. It’s more commonly known as persistent depressive disorder.

    I can’t exactly remember the onset of an extended period when I felt lower than usual. It might have sneaked in unnoticed in my early teens and grown out of proportion since then. It might have been born with me. I have no idea.

    All I know is, I’ve had a pervading sense of hopelessness long enough to convince myself that something was wrong. It’s only natural for a child to feel threatened by the world around them. At least that’s how I felt, day in and day out.

    I was told it would only be a matter of time until I grew out of it and became a self-assured woman. Well, I’m twenty years old and this day has never come, and I’ll tell you, the old times were paradise. I was lucky to have my parents’ back in every situation, and the thought of loosening my grip on their protection with the passing years was a scary prospect.

    Inevitably, I grew up and things didn’t get any easier.

    My generalized fear mingled with an endless hunt for the meaning behind words, people’s actions, and even life itself. The existential nature of these questions made it impossible for me to get concrete answers, which overloaded my brain with the untold possibilities, thus fueling an anxiety disorder.

    Being an avid gobbler of pills and a depression sufferer herself, my mother suggested that I went to a psychiatrist. As expected, at sixteen I left the doctor’s office with an antidepressant prescription in hand, as I doubted both my sanity and worth.

    In a different session, I can recall my therapist drawing a chart of sorts, in order to illustrate my situation: she traced three parallel horizontal lines and named them “euphoria,” “neutrality,” and “depression,” from top to bottom.

    She then drew a squiggly line with stable highs and lows, yet mostly focused in the area between depression and neutrality.

    What that means is I’m bound to feel down most days, with the occasional bout of gloom and/or cheerfulness, depending on the situation. The mood sways aren’t fickle; they’re usually curbed into the same spectrum, but still, sometimes I wish the ups would last longer.

    “Don’t worry, that is very common in highly sensitive people,” she said to me. “Now that you’ve named that feeling, it will become easier to deal with.”

    At the time, that wasn’t helpful at all. Why did my personality have to be built this way? Would I have to deal with this for the rest of my life? That’s not what I came here for!

    I developed an unhealthy habit of comparison, as I envied the life of every extroverted and confident person I knew, even if that meant scrolling through their social media pages (which, let’s face it, makes everyone seem at the top of their game on a daily basis).

    For months on end I tried to stick to a fully positive lifestyle. Spoiler alert: I was doing it wrong. It took me a while to recognize that I didn’t have to be happy all the time nor rebuff my icky moments in exchange for a phony, dimmed spark of sunshine. I felt something was missing.

    I was in denial. I was rejecting myself, whom I’ll have to spend the rest of my days with whether I want to or not. Little did I know, refusing who I was wouldn’t do anything for me; it would only hinder the process of acceptance.

    All I had to do was skew my perspective, bit by bit. And I did, with the help of unexpected sources and events.

    Sensitivity Means Passion

    During a recent conversation with my brother, I came to the slow realization that I might have underrated what can prove itself to be a powerful attribute.

    His girlfriend had broken up with him, and his devastation was painful to watch. However, his main objection was that he felt guilty for “feeling too much while she felt way less.” I could identify with him at that moment.

    He would beat himself up and judge his past actions, wishing he could go back and suppress the excess emotion he poured into the relationship. Anyone who’s familiar with him would advise him to never change for a girl, and that the right one would see this supposed “defect” as a major quality.

    Being his twin sister, of course we’d share some traits– besides in appearance. And that’s it: we feel too much. Too much of everything, whether it be the pain of a heartbreak or the delight of succeeding at something, for instance.

    In discussing life’s matters, we’ve both agreed upon the fact that oftentimes we may be taken up entirely by emotion, to the point where even gazing at the stars opens our minds to an immensity of otherworldly interpretations. How amazing is that?

    Besides, we’re eager seekers of beauty in the little things and lovers of kindness. That depth in our mindset is what allows us to express everything so thoroughly, especially through writing and other kinds of art.

    What was supposed to be a wallowing session ended up giving us a different view of ourselves. Needless to say, we finished the conversation feeling way better than when we started it.

    See It for What It Is: Just A Trait

    About three years ago, something interesting came in the mail. One of my aunts resides in England, and she sends gifts every so often. This particular time, she had a special present for me.

    It was a book, but not just any book. It was a self-help book called The Highly Sensitive Person, written by Dr. Elaine N. Aron. It had highlighted passages and comments scribbled all over it, as if Auntie wanted me to pay special attention to them.

    I might have rolled my eyes at first, but that’s part of my proud nature. Also, never in my seventeen years had I read a self-help book, so I decided to give it a reluctant try in case she asked about it later and I had to whip off a review. I started reading, and to my surprise, it felt like staring at a mirror.

    The book, first published in 1996, promotes the de-stigmatization around sensitive people, often mislabeled as weak, shy, and even antisocial, to name a few labels. It has offered me the best advice I’ve been given, from someone who has been through similar struggles.

    It counts on interviews with hundreds of people like me—perhaps like you, too—who have offered their experience as HSPs. Their stories prove that we are not alone and that being sensitive makes us unique in our own ways; we just have to make an effort to see that amidst the haze of society telling us we’re somehow abnormal.

    I can relate to my aunt on many levels, especially because we have strikingly similar personalities, which is always a recurrent topic during family reunions. At some point in her life she had the same doubts I do now—she felt unfitting and lost. She gets me, and she made sure I had that in mind by giving me that book.

    “Think about the impact on you of not being the ideal for your culture. It has to affect you—not only how others have treated you but how you have come to treat yourself.” ~Elaine N. Aron. Ph. D.

    For the first time in a while, I accepted my wholeness. I felt an overdue relief in being myself, comforted to know that being dysthymic and highly sensitive by no means indicates than I’m worse than everybody else.

    I’m still coming to terms with my fragile essence. I haven’t left therapy or the medications, and I may need them for the rest of my life, who knows? Even so, in researching alternative ways to cope with my anxiety I stumbled across several posts that swore by meditation, so I decided to give it a shot—and it worked like magic!

    I meditate for at least ten minutes daily, and the practice has helped diminish common anxious and depressive symptoms, such as a fast heartbeat and racing thoughts. This happens due to meditation’s scientifically suggested power to positively modify our brains—yes, it’s possible! If combined with consistent daily activities such as exercising or anything that sparks creativity, it becomes a strong healing method.

    The good news is, my sensitivity has ceased to be a problem. Whenever it wants in, I won’t slam the door, I’ll just invite it in for a cup of coffee instead. Maybe acceptance is all it needs to rest cozy in my chest.

  • Why We Need to Stop Judging Our Feelings

    Why We Need to Stop Judging Our Feelings

    Sad woman

    “Your emotions are meant to fluctuate, just like your blood pressure is meant to fluctuate. It’s a system that’s supposed to move back and forth, between happy and unhappy. That’s how the system guides you through the world.” ~Daniel Gilbert

    As a highly sensitive person I experience emotions very deeply, though it’s not usually obvious to others that I’m having such strong internal reactions.

    For those not familiar with this trait, high sensitivity is not a defect or a personality flaw; it simply means that you experience sensory and emotional input more strongly than non-sensitive people.

    Of course, this is not to say that humans are really that bipolar in terms of their emotional and physical experiences; sensitivity is a spectrum, and I’ve found myself leaning to the more sensitive side.

    High sensitivity has wonderful benefits: it facilitates deep insightfulness, fosters a drive for authenticity and creative expression, and enriches the sensory experiences of life. It’s a double-edged sword, however, because just as the positive aspects are magnified, so too are the negative aspects.

    Just like with most aspects of life, this is a delicate balancing act, because it can be difficult not to become overwhelmed by emotion, whether positive or negative.

    Embodying this trait throughout my life has been a challenge: I’m always super aware of my environment (both external and internal), and processing that information on a deep level pretty much all the time.

    This causes me to have a preference for quiet environments (yet I live in New York City!), and also to need lots of alone time to recharge. This is not to say I’m a hermit or that I hate people; quite the contrary: I crave authentic connection and love engaging deeply with others.

    It’s been crucial to learn to accept this trait, to pinpoint my needs without feeling guilty for them, and to have the courage to express those needs to my loved ones.

    One of the most beneficial things I’ve been learning is the importance of non-judgment. For every high there is a low, and the only thing making a low “bad” is that we judge it as so.

    Everyone experiences a full range of emotions, and a highly sensitive person will feel it even more intensely. However, fluctuating emotions are part of life. They’re not something to be avoided at all costs, as I believed I should be able to do in order to achieve an imagined and unattainable level of perfection, which didn’t include messy emotions that only get in the way.

    When I feel “negative” emotions such as anxiety, anger, and sadness, I berate myself for succumbing to such “bad” feelings and feel the need to make them go away as soon as possible. Needless to say, this reaction does little to alleviate the distress caused by these emotions, and usually only exacerbates them.

    What I’ve realized is that it isn’t the emotions themselves causing me to suffer—it’s my judgment of those emotions and my desire to rid myself of them.

    When I am unable to make the feelings go away, it feeds my anxiety and I retreat even deeper into myself instead of allowing the emotional wave to pass and expressing my feelings to others.

    Judgments are thoughts about emotions. Emotions are simply fleeting currents that come and go and provide a compass for us to fully feel and address whatever issues may be under the surface.

    Though thoughts and emotions are related, they’re different things, and we can learn to manage both of those experiences.

    In order to do this, I practice mindfulness exercises in which I simply allow my thoughts to stream and recognize that these thoughts don’t define me unless I give them that power; I’m the one in control of my experiences.

    I also allow myself to fully feel my emotion, without judgment, sometimes naming them as they pop up if that helps.

    Self-understanding and a connection with our intuition are essential for strengthening our emotional intelligence, and this is an instance in which high sensitivity is a major benefit, because it’s highly conducive to deep introspection.

    I continually practice being mindful of my thoughts and how they cause emotions so that I can catch any spirals before they snowball.

    This act alone has had tremendous benefits for my overall well-being, as well as my ability to manage, and most importantly, accept, all the emotions that come with being human.

    A recent experience of unrequited love has demonstrated to me how far I’ve come in terms of riding the emotional waves without added layers of judgment and criticism.

    At my gym, I met a very attractive man with beautiful chin-length blond hair, deep expressive blue eyes, and a sweet disposition.

    I developed a little crush and tried my hardest to be more open, but also to accept that I do get shy and I’m slow to warm up to new people.

    I didn’t judge myself negatively for it, but rather was proud of myself for my efforts to maintain eye contact, smile, and initiate conversation.

    Unfortunately, as I was beginning to think the feeling might be mutual and trying to work up the courage to ask for a date, I saw him with another girl who frequents the same gym. It was obvious they had something going on.

    Although it felt like I had been punched hard in the gut to see them together, in the past a situation like this would have also made me spiral into a deep hole of self-hatred. I would have criticized myself for being too shy, for failing, for missing an opportunity, and for allowing another woman to snatch up my crush.

    These thoughts would then fuel intense regret, anxiety, fear, despair, and anger—which are emotions in response to thoughts, not in response to the actual situation. Then I’d criticize myself for allowing these feelings to get so out of control, and the vicious cycle would progress ad infinitum.

    But that isn’t what happened this time.

    Instead, I allowed myself to completely feel every emotion that came with this experience, not with thoughts about the experience.

    A twinge of sadness, a pang of despair, loneliness, frustration, jealousy, defeat, embarrassment, desire, anxiety, lust, and anger all passed through me in waves every time I saw them together or felt how much I still liked him and wished I could have had a chance with him.

    Without the layer of judgmental thoughts, these feelings became manageable. I’ve also developed a sense of gratitude for all the things I feel, because this is what it means to be human, and vulnerability is a beautiful thing that can connect us directly with our inner selves.

    We hurt because we love, so hurt is a sign that you’ve let love in.

    I’ve used this experience to learn more about myself, and I’m thankful that it can help facilitate my continued emotional intelligence training.

    As I began to praise myself for my efforts rather than only criticizing myself for failing and letting my emotions consume me, I began to cultivate self-love as well. Since love for others stems from love for self, I found that this not only diminished anger toward myself, but naturally flows outward to others.

    Compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves, and high sensitivity facilitates this process.

    I’ve also learned that how we react to events is far more important than what actually happens to us.

    Unrequited love is usually seen as a negative thing, and it truly does hurt, but it’s also a window to deeper understanding and compassion. For that reason, I’m grateful to have had this experience, even though it’s painful.

    Pain has a purpose. It shines light on the most important issues we must face, as well as our biggest opportunities for growth and learning. True, my crush doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, but I still have a loving family, I still love myself, and I love being alive to have all these experiences.

    When I think about it like this, I’m grateful, and I’ve learned to love myself throughout all the fleeting emotional experiences that ultimately don’t define me anyway.

    We just have to ride the waves and recognize that our thoughts are not always an accurate depiction of reality, our emotions are fleeting, and it’s completely okay to feel the entire spectrum of them.

    We are human, and as the perfectly imperfect beings that we are, feeling the spectrum is what we are here to do.

  • How to Turn Your Sensitivity into Your Biggest Strength

    How to Turn Your Sensitivity into Your Biggest Strength

    “Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. Let this be a sign that you’ve got a big heart and aren’t afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength.” ~Brigitte Nicole

    We have a problem in the modern world that needs to be addressed.

    It impacts huge numbers of the population but is so ingrained in our culture that it’s easy for us to overlook how dangerous it can be.

    This problem is the denial of sensitivity.

    We often associate sensitivity with weakness, but when we learn how to manage our energy and emotions we can actually become more controlled, empathetic, and driven.

    Most people suppress their sensitivity, not realizing that it’s a very powerful source of productive energy once they can learn how to accept it and direct it toward something positive.

    For a large portion of my life I would feel emotions very intensely, whether it was while watching movies or noticing the feelings of those around me. I guess you could say I was a natural empath.

    Unfortunately, I did what most people do in Western society—I cut these feelings off at the source, intellectualizing everything and separating my head from my body.

    However, over time I eventually learned that the more I avoided feelings, particularly negative ones, the longer they would persist. It was almost impossible to let go of things. It wasn’t uncommon for unresolved issues that I hadn’t thought about in years to come up in a dream.

    Now through meditation and mindfulness practices I’ve learned to sit with my emotions and use sensitivity to feel more joy, be guided by my gut, and employ all that emotional energy in creative and constructive ways.

    Why Do We Deny Our Sensitivity?

    According to Researcher Elaine Aron, about 15-20% of the population are highly sensitive due to the nature of their nervous systems. These people generally have an inclination toward overstimulation, emotional reactivity, and empathy.

    Whether I fall under this umbrella or not never interested me that much. What interested me was that our culture often finds it culturally inappropriate to experience or express sensitivity, even though there are millions of us living somewhere on that spectrum who could get much more out of life if we just learned to use our emotions!

    How Can You Turn Your Sensitivity into a Strength?

    There are many ways to do this, and it’s partly going to be dependent on you as an individual. However, there is an overarching point to keep in mind, and that is to accept yourself and your emotions as they are, not to repress or avoid them or to feel guilt for having them.

    Repression or avoidance often leads to what are known as meta-emotions, emotions about emotions, such as being angry because you are sad, or feeling guilty because you are excited.

    You want to stay as far away from a lot of these as possible, as they can be confusing and dangerous. Just try to experience the emotion as is and accept it for what it is.

    Recently I had an experience whereby I caught myself doing just this. I found myself in a social situation feeling frustrated with someone else’s behavior. I then became judgmental of my own frustration—it didn’t fit with my self-image of being cool, calm, and collected—and this morphed into anger at myself.

    After a five-minute dance of unnecessary negative meta-emotions, I was able to catch myself and realize that it was okay to just allow myself to feel frustrated. The person I was dealing with isn’t perfect, and neither am I.

    Sitting with Your Emotions

    Most people have a whole host of conscious or unconscious avoidance behaviors that stop them from feeling both negative and positive emotions. Their sensitivity can make it seem like the experiences are too overwhelming, so they intentionally cut them off.

    This can be something as simple as turning the T.V. on after work to avoid reflecting on the problems of the day, to avoiding commitment to a lifelong partner or drinking to numb the stimulation of complex social environments.

    In fact, one way I personally used to deal with this was to read books, particularly about psychology, philosophy, or spirituality. By doing so, I was ignoring or intellectualizing any confronting emotions I had, which gave me an excuse to ‘deal’ with them without actually dealing with them.

    I’d also find myself diving head first into new projects or jobs or even sometimes travelling to new cities, because at the time they seemed like a quick fix solution to any uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing.

    To counteract this tendency, which we all share to some degree, we need to recognize an emotion when it is there, accept it for what it is, nonjudgmentally, and physically sit with it for moment before letting it go.

    Make Use of Your Passion and Creativity

    One trait that often comes with being sensitive is being passionate and creative.

    Sensitive people are often artists, and vice versa, as they are more aware of their emotions and better able to communicate them to others through their work. Sadly, traditionally schooling tends to value science and business related skills from an early age, and so as children we may be encouraged away from our creative endeavors.

    If you feel you are passionate about something you should never shy away from following it, no matter what anyone else says. You should use any strong feelings you have as a compass that tells you what you want to be doing with your time.

    Take Breaks and Reflect

    Sensitive people often tend to be very reflective. If they spend too much time in intense environments (which is most of the time in large cities) they can become overwhelmed.

    We can use this to our advantage by engaging in reflective practices such as journaling, and allowing ourselves time to let our batteries recharge.

    By taking specific time out of our day to stop and think, whether that be at home or in nature, we can become more aware of our situation and the subtle nuances that are impacting us in our day to day lives.

    Suppressing our sensitivity is never a healthy option. If we can learn to manage it with these practices we can use it to our advantage and allow it to become one of our biggest strengths.

    How have you managed your sensitivity? Have you found any ways that help you to use it to your advantage? Let us know in the comments!

  • Sensitivity Is a Gift: How to Thrive with a Bleeding Heart

    Sensitivity Is a Gift: How to Thrive with a Bleeding Heart

    “You are not a mess. You are a feeling person in a messy world.” ~Glennon Doyle Melton

    I can recall crying myself to sleep at night when I was a little girl. Not a loud bawl, more of a soft weep.

    My mom would tuck me in goodnight and as soon as she turned the lights on her way out, I would be left with a feeling of fear and sadness. Not because I was afraid of the dark, but because I was afraid of my dark.

    The thoughts that entered my mind that kept me from falling into a peaceful slumber as an elementary school kid were rife with pain and suffering.

    Mom would say, “Think good thoughts, honey.” But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too affected by all the suffering I saw.

    I cried for all the injustice in the world.

    I cried for all the pain I couldn’t necessarily see but could sense in others.

    I cried for the kids getting bullied at my school.

    I cried for myself getting teased at school.

    I cried because people died and I didn’t get why they had to.

    Somewhere along the way I received the message that it wasn’t okay to cry, or feel anything other than fine. That it was somehow bad to feel emotion. That to be a good little girl, I had to conceal and go along.

    The only problem was, I had a lot of feelings. All the time I had them, intensely strong ones.

    The world is not set up to honor sensitive people. When we see someone crying, we also usually see someone rush to their side and say “Oh, don’t cry.”

    My question is, why?

    Why can’t we cry? What is so bad about crying?

    I want to scream from the rooftops:

    I reserve the right to be sad if I’m sad.

    I reserve the right to be mad if I’m mad.

    And I reserve the right to cry if I feel like crying. It’s my life and I’ll cry if I want to.

    Crying is a sign of life, by the way. It means you are alive. It’s the first thing we want to hear when a new baby is born—their cry. It is one of the most natural human reflexes we have.

    But growing up as sensitive or empathetic, we learn that we are oversensitive, too much, too emotional, cry babies, wimps, too fragile, over-reactors. So what is given to us as a gift—our sensitive nature—is often squashed, repressed, and stifled.

    And when we don’t know how to use our superpower sensitivities for good, the weight of the world’s suffering will most definitely crush us. My sensitivity felt like a wicked curse for a long time, before I learned how to treasure it like the blessing it is.

    Some things I have learned:

    Honor your sensitive nature.

    Do this by affirming yourself and realizing that this is how you were made. Make the best of it and turn it from a commonly perceived negative trait to your biggest asset.

    Maximize the strength of being highly sensitive by making sure you have a creative outlet. It is essential to have a place for it all to go. Whatever it is for you, go there as much as you can to release the myriad of emotions from any given day. Find it, do it, love it, and let it rejuvenate you.

    Find your fellow heart-bleeders.

    It can be alienating to feel like you’re the only one feeling so deeply. But there are so many of us out there, I assure you. There’s even a book called If You Feel Too Much.

    Kindle up friendships with these people and create your tribe. There is such strength and power in connecting with like minds. You will know who they are by the way you feel around them—they see and accept and love your depth of feeling, they do not shame you for it or tell you to change your nature.

    Reserve the right to cry.

    Crying is a release and a ritual of mine. I love when a good, hard cry sneaks up on me in yoga. It’s just so healing. My emotions can overwhelm me, from unbearable grief to overstimulating joy. I cry to help release that energy overflow; otherwise, my heart might explode. I am moved to tears on a regular basis and let them come and go as they please, even welcome them now.

    You do not have to be the suffering-holder and pain-keeper.

    Just because you are acutely aware of the pain and emotional nuances of those around you doesn’t mean you need to take it on and make it your own. In fact, you really can’t. It’ll bring you down with them.

    There is a beautiful word in the English language known as boundaries. Compassion is also a beautiful word. Boundaries and compassion can, in fact, co-exist. The way to be compassionate and have boundaries at the same time is to show your love and caring for others without taking responsibility for their pain and problems by trying to fix them.

    —

    Being born extra-sensitive is a gift, so long as we choose to see it that way. It was my fatal flaw until I learned what to do with it. When we can learn to work with it, rather than against it, we can undoubtedly make it our greatest strength and the source of all the magic and richness in this life.

  • Sensitivity Is a Gift

    Sensitivity Is a Gift

    Sensitivity Is a Gift

    Source: Project Happiness

  • A Life-Changing Guide for Emotionally Sensitive People (and a Giveaway!)

    A Life-Changing Guide for Emotionally Sensitive People (and a Giveaway!)

    Sad Girl Illustration

    Update: The winners for this giveaway have been chosen:

    You’re too sensitive. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Why are you letting that bother you? Why can’t you just let it go? Really, you’re crying? What’s wrong with you? 

    If you’re an emotionally sensitive person, like me, you may have heard some of these phrases throughout your life. And, like me, you may have concluded that your emotions made you tragically flawed.

    For the longest time, I felt a deep sense of shame about my sensitivity. And I found it difficult to deal with everyday life—not just because I felt everything so deeply and often reacted irrationally, but also because I absorbed other people’s feelings as if they were my own.

    I remember in elementary school when most of my peers had to get shots from the school nurse. I’d already gotten one at my pediatrician’s office, so I sat in the hallway as, one by one, they approached her office to meet certain doom.

    I could recall the fear and dread I’d felt in the moments before the needle pierced my skin, and I relived it, over and over again, as each student approached the door. In fact, my vicarious anxiety was so intense that I threw up, right there in the hallway.

    I didn’t just empathize with their pain—I felt it. Deeply. And repeatedly.

    I constantly felt emotionally overwhelmed, and often confused about the root of my feelings. All I knew was that I hurt—a lot—and I wanted to make it stop.

    When I first realized I wasn’t alone with my emotional sensitivity, it was like someone rubbed a soothing balm on the achy heart I wore on my sleeve.

    And it was even more liberating to realize I could leverage my sensitivity for good, as I have through Tiny Buddha.

    Suddenly, it wasn’t something I had to hide; it was something I could openly acknowledge and harness in a positive way.

    Still, I’ve had to work at managing my emotions, and I’ve had to learn to challenge destructive thoughts and behaviors that only exacerbate my pain.

    If you too experience intense emotions, you don’t need to feel bad about yourself, or powerless to your heightened sensitivity.

    Psychologist Karyn D. Hall has written a life-changing book that can help you manage your emotions so they don’t take over your life.

    The Emotionally Sensitive Person: Finding Peace When Your Emotions Overwhelm You offers proven strategies to identify emotional triggers, challenge negative thought patterns, and recover from emotions more quickly.

    I wish I’d read this book years ago. It’s insightful, practical, and chock-full of effective strategies to transform your sensitivity from a burden to a gift.

    I’m grateful that Karyn took the time to provide some incredibly detailed answers to my questions about emotional sensitivity, and that she’s provided two free copies of The Emotionally Sensitive Person for Tiny Buddha readers.

    Sensitive CoverThe Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of The Emotionally Sensitive Person:

    • Leave a comment below
    • For an extra entry, tweet: Enter the @tinybuddha giveaway to win a copy of The Emotionally Sensitive Person http://bit.ly/1KZGNnL

    You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, May 22nd.

    The Interview

    1. Tell us a little bit about yourself and what inspired you to write this book.

    I’m a therapist who works with emotionally sensitive people and I’m an emotionally sensitive person too.

    I noticed that many people were suffering because they felt different, rejected, and flawed because of their emotional sensitivity. Many of them had heard statements like, “You’re just overreacting,” and “Stop being so dramatic,” for most of their lives.

    In my work I found that if emotionally sensitive people could understand and accept their sensitivity, and not judge themselves because of it, that could ease some of the suffering they experience. I also believe that learning to manage intense emotions is part of decreasing their suffering.

    Being emotionally sensitive is not an illness, but it does mean you are more vulnerable to anxiety and depression and other disorders. Judging and hating yourself for being sensitive is part of the pain and suffering that happens.

    I wanted to write a book that could help emotionally sensitive people accept their sensitivity and learn to manage their intense emotions to help them live the life they want to live.

    2. What causes emotional sensitivity?

    Emotional sensitivity is biological. Research shows that some individuals are born with more intense emotions, meaning you react faster to emotional situations, your emotions are more intense, and your emotions take longer to fade. Events in a person’s life could also influence that emotional sensitivity.

    3. Emotionally sensitive people, like myself, often feel shame for being this way. What can help people like me feel less ashamed, more accepting, and perhaps even proud of their emotional sensitivity?

    First of all, ask yourself if the shame you experience is based on facts. All emotions have a purpose, and the role of shame is to keep you from behaving in ways that would get you kicked out of groups that are critical to your survival.

    Most likely being an emotionally sensitive adult will not get you kicked out of important groups. Is the shame from being judged by others as flawed? Perhaps as a child? Maybe from people who didn’t understand? Perhaps give some thought as to what specifically the shame is about and how it came to be.

    So if shame is not justified, that being emotionally sensitive is not something that warrants shame, then consider that the way to overcome shame is to do the opposite behavior to that which shame urges you to do.

    Shame urges you to hide. So the opposite behavior is to not hide. To do the opposite is to look people in the eye, and stand up proud of your sensitivity. When people say, “You’re overreacting,” respond with pride, “Actually, this is exactly how I feel—I feel emotions intensely.”

    Many times it is the discomfort that other people have with emotions that leads them to criticize your emotional reactions.

    Our culture tends to value logical, analytical thinking. That doesn’t make their way better. In fact, emotionally sensitive people are the ones who become passionate about causes and make changes in the world. They are artists and caregivers and those who contribute to humanity.

    The positives of being emotionally sensitive are often overlooked. If you consider it very carefully, what could or are you proud of about your emotional sensitivity? Make a list and review it often. Keep the positives in your mind to help you keep a balanced view of your emotional sensitivity.

    Let yourself really see what your sensitivity is about—check out reality and let go of myths you might have accepted along the way about the “wrongness” of emotional sensitivity. Do you care intensely about others? Do you express yourself authentically?

    Another idea is to practice self-compassion in place of judging yourself. Respond to yourself as you would a friend who feels emotions strongly.

    If your emotional sensitivity leads to depression or anxiety or to behaviors that you know are not effective or helpful, then focus on changing the behaviors and learning ways to manage your emotional sensitivity that work for you rather than judging your sensitivity.

    It’s not wrong, it’s just different. Judging your sensitivity is like judging yourself for how short or tall you are. It just is. It’s not helpful to continually berate yourself for your height, and in the same way seeing your sensitivity as wrong or yourself as flawed only adds to your distress and suffering.

    4. What are the two different types of emotional sensitivity, and how do they manifest?

    The two types I’ve identified are reactive and avoidant. People who are reactive act on feelings without thinking and are very quick to respond to emotional triggers. They have strong impulses that come with their emotions. They can be spontaneous and fun and also may act in ways that cause difficulties for themselves.

    The avoidant type attempts to push away or avoid uncomfortable emotions and/or situations. The avoidant type might not attend gatherings if someone at the event was upset with her and would avoid other situations that might involve difficult feelings, such as confronting someone who owed her money or saying no to someone who asked for a favor.

    5. What are some things we can do to improve our ability to manage our emotions?

    There are many options to improve your ability to manage your emotions. One area is prevention.

    This means that you make sure that you get sufficient sleep, eat a nutritious diet, take prescribed medications, take care of your physical health, exercise, and create positive experiences to build your resiliency. Work to develop safe and emotionally intimate relationships so you have a support network.

    Let go of judging, stop avoiding your emotions, learn ways to change your emotions, and stop feeding or building difficult emotions. The book discusses the specifics of these ideas. In addition, I have a subscription website opening soon called DBTCoaching.com that focuses on coping skills.

    6. You wrote that emotionally sensitive people tend to “catch” other people’s emotions. Can you tell us a little about this, and how we can stop doing it?

    Emotionally sensitive people are often tuned in to the emotional experiences of other people, so much so that they may experience the emotion that someone else is having. If you are with someone who is sad, you may feel sadness too, for example.

    Awareness that you are experiencing an emotion that actually belongs to someone else is helpful in letting go of it.

    If someone is relating an experience that made them sad, then you can say to yourself, “Not my experience, her experience,” to help maintain the boundary.

    If you experience emotions that you imagine others might have, such as “She must be so sad,” then remind yourself that someone else’s experience is not necessarily the same as yours. For example, if someone is moving, he might be excited and happy instead of sad or scared or vice versa.

    7. In reading the “Identifying Your Emotions” section of the book, I realized I’ve mislabeled many thoughts as feelings, compromising my ability to cope with my actual emotions effectively. Can you share a few examples of mislabeling thoughts as feelings, and how we can identify what we really feel?

    Some examples of mislabeling thoughts as feelings can be as simple as, “I feel like I’ll never succeed,” “I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere,” and “I feel like I’m different from anyone else.”

    Those expressions are actually thoughts. To be more accurate your would say, “I think I don’t fit in anywhere and that makes me sad,” and “I think I’m different from anyone else and that makes me sad.” Then you either challenge the thoughts or find ways to cope with the feelings that come with the thought.

    It’s difficult to challenge statements when you express them as feelings. “I am scared because I think I’ll never succeed” gives you the information about both the feeling you are having and the thought.

    You recognize that as a negative thought and you can challenge it. Is that statement true? In what situation do you think it is true? Do the facts back it up? If so, what do you need to do differently? The emotion of sadness would indicate coping skills to help you deal with that specific emotion.

    8. In Chapter 6, you wrote, “Judgments hide primary feelings.” What did you mean by this—and how can we challenge our judgments?

    We often judge when we are emotionally upset. “He is a complete jerk,” is a judgment. What led to that thought and emotion? Maybe you were embarrassed because you spilled wine all over yourself and your date didn’t offer to help clean up. You use the judgment of him to cover the embarrassment.

    “I spilled wine all over myself and I felt hurt that he didn’t help me clean it up,” might be more accurate.

    9. The chapter that was most helpful to me personally was the one on decision-making—particularly the part about separating the decision from the emotion and accepting emotional consequences. Can you expand on this?

    I’ve found that many emotionally sensitive people believe they can’t make decisions but they actually avoid decisions because of the emotional consequences of those decisions.

    There are few choices that don’t have emotional consequences. Even picking a restaurant for a group dinner means someone will likely not agree with the choice and may be disappointed or critical. You know which restaurant you want, but you struggle with the decision because of the emotional consequences of the decision. You don’t want anyone upset.

    If you can separate the two, the choice of restaurant and the emotional consequences of the choice, then you can be clear about what the issue is and how you want to manage it.

    10. What do you think is the most important thing an emotionally sensitive person can do for their well-being?

    Accept themselves as they are, completely and totally, and also work on changing behaviors that are keeping them from being effective in building the life they want to live.

    You can find The Emotionally Sensitive Person on Amazon here.

    FTC Disclosure: I receive complimentary books for reviews and interviews on tinybuddha.com, but I am not compensated for writing or obligated to write anything specific. I am an Amazon affiliate, meaning I earn a percentage of all books purchased through the links I provide on this site. 

    Girl under rain clouds image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Simple Questions That Can Revamp a Sensitive Soul’s Health

    4 Simple Questions That Can Revamp a Sensitive Soul’s Health

    Jumping Woman

    “Quality questions create a quality life.” ~Tony Robbins

    Have you ever wondered, maybe even worried, “Why is it easier for others to take care of their health? Why do they have more willpower? Less struggle?”

    And, “What am I doing wrong?”

    I used to ask myself all this, and more. It was confusing; I tried to eat healthy and exercise, but my body argued back. Weight issues. Fatigue. Chronic pain. Injury after injury.

    The answer seemed obvious.

    Try harder.

    But doing so made the issues worse, or another problem started. Or both.

    The doctors all said my symptoms didn’t make sense. I wondered: is it in my head? They told me to stress less. I worried: is anxiety making me worse? They said they couldn’t help. I panicked: am I unfixable?

    Sensitivity Isn’t a Disorder (and You Don’t Need to Fix It)

    The diagnosis was an over-reactive nervous system, which led me to the term Highly Sensitive People. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist and researcher, estimates 15-20% of people are highly sensitive.

    This simple trait means our nervous systems process stimuli intensely.

    We think a lot. We feel deeply (physically and emotionally). We’re easily overstimulated.

    Sound familiar?

    Thoughts are stimuli that affect our highly tuned nervous systems. The more negative, the more we suffer; the more positive, the more we thrive (even compared to others).

    Questions are a potent type of thought. They trigger our brains to search for answers, discover evidence, and create links and stories, long after we turn our conscious minds to something else.

    The problem was simple.

    I was asking lousy questions.

    And the solution became obvious. Ask good questions.

    It worked. I’ve bounced back from burnout with more health and happiness than in my twenties and thirties. I learned to ask the following four questions every day.

    1. Am I focused on the vitality I want or the discomfort I don’t want?

    It sounds easy: focus positively on the health you want.

    But being highly sensitive means you’re hardwired to ponder issues from all different angles. It’s a gift of cautiousness—your early warning system. And it means you end up obsessing over things you’re trying to ignore.

    Your mind is powerful. If you stay focused on soreness in your body, you sensitize your nervous system into noticing more pain. If you worry about getting injured, you subconsciously set yourself up for injury.

    When you focus on problems (or the gap between your current health and the health you want), you create tension. Physical and emotional. Which makes you feel rotten, intensifies the health issue, and even creates new issues.

    But focusing on well-being sends a powerful message to your brain and body to shift you toward better health. While helping you relax into enjoying more of life, right now (even if your health isn’t perfect).

    Tip: If you catch yourself preoccupied with what you don’t want, stop. Appreciate your gift of considering different perspectives. Then re-focus on the vitality you want.

    2. Am I whizzing through healthy habits or delving into their worth?

    Being sensitive means you mull over decisions and are quick to second-guess yourself. But it’s easy to get entangled in the rush of life and leap from one health habit to the next.

    Sinking your teeth into why you want better health helps you commit to healthy habits. You understand their worth.

    But it’s not enough to know that a habit is worthwhile just because it makes you energized, healthier, and fitter. You need to dig deeper into your why to discover what that gives you that’s even more important.

    Perhaps being fitter brings more ease and flow or enables you to connect more with family and friends.

    Some of my deepest whys are comfort, blending, and connection. For example, I’ve learned to avoid strict diets that compartmentalize allowed and not allowed (and lead me to binge on junk). Instead, to allow any foods but plan ahead my wholesome and comforting meals. To blend healthy snacks into my day. To mindfully connect with tastes and textures.

    Uncovering your deepest why helps you discover which specific habits spur you on from within. Even when the going gets tough (as it will).

    Not only will your self-care work better, but you’ll also notice less whizzing and more sticking.

    Tip: Slow down and tap into the qualities that are meaningful to you and your health. Then choose the habits to support those qualities.

    3. Am I analyzing my health or tuning in to my body’s wisdom?

    High sensitivity means you feel deeply. It’s tempting to stay stuck in your head, to hide from the intensity of your emotions and your sharp awareness of subtleties.

    Doing so numbs you from your body’s wisdom.

    You begin to worry about your health—analyzing problems and searching endlessly for solutions. Discomfort becomes a foe to avoid. A problem to fear. An assault to stop or dull (rather than a healthy message).

    When I hurt my back, for example, the pain lasted months longer than the injury took to physically heal. The therapists prescribed gentle exercises. The more I tried, the more the pain intensified or spread to other areas. It didn’t make sense.

    But tuning in to my body, I could feel the tension of trying too hard, too often. Of stiffening constantly, in fear of the possibility of pain. Of overprotecting and overcompensating. I learned to relax and soften to allow myself, more and more, to move naturally. In doing so, my body came into balance and the pain disappeared.

    When you tune in to how you’re feeling, the physical sensations become a compass for tweaking your self-care. For correcting course. You hear your body whispering, “This, not that. Ease up; push harder.”

    You re-ignite your instinctual knowing. You build your intuition muscles. You make healthy choices that reflect who you are.

    Tip: Think about an aspect of your health or self-care, and then notice how it triggers sensations in your body. Where and what do you feel? Is it a sense of lightness or heaviness? Openness or constriction? Feel into which thoughts and habits support you.

    4. Am I under healthy pressure or beating myself up?

    We all need a certain amount of oomph to improve our health and stay healthy. But it’s easy to slither from self-motivation into self-judgment. Being highly sensitive means you’re your own biggest critic.

    We see others breeze through long hours at work followed by intense cardio at the gym, fueled with crappy diets and little sleep. We’re tempted to follow suit. But when our sensitive bodies fizzle out or overreact, we’re left confused and deflated.

    “I’m lazy. I hate my body. I’m never going to get there.”

    Your nervous system responds to self-talk as though it’s the hard truth. Often, it’s not.

    It’s simple to pinpoint whether you’re feeling healthy or unhealthy pressure. Ask, “Does this [feeling or self-talk] make me want to act in a different way that’ll honestly make me feel better?”

    If the answer is no, let it go. It’s unhealthy. It’s not serving you.

    If the answer is yes, choose an action that feels good to take. And appreciate yourself for getting a handle on the pressure and not burying it.

    Tip: Be gentle and curious about your self-talk. Check if it’s helping you. Then, act accordingly. Treat yourself with the same loving compassion you’re so good at giving others.

    Answer Back With Your Super Power

    You’re blessed with an inquisitive mind and a highly tuned inner guidance—gifts to help you make wise choices in your health when you slow down and pay attention.

    Use your heightened awareness to detect your self-talk, emotions, and feelings.

    Deliberately ask empowering questions and get curious about your answers. Without judgment.

    Treat yourself with kindness, no matter what choices you make (and keep going in your self-care).

    No, this isn’t a one-fix wonder. You’ll correct course every day of your life. But well-being comes from sculpting a supportive partnership between your mind and body.

    Ask positive questions. Tune in to the answers. Take heart-felt action. You can’t help but make healthier self-care choices from that better-feeling place.

    So what are you asking for?

    Now it’s your turn. Do you consider yourself highly sensitive? If so, tell us a question that’s made a powerful positive difference in your life?

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • How Sensitivity Can Be a Gift (And How to Give it to the World)

    How Sensitivity Can Be a Gift (And How to Give it to the World)

    Sensitive

    “We cannot be more sensitive to pleasure without being more sensitive to pain.” ~Alan Watts

    Are you good at noticing subtle details? Are you able to learn without really being aware that you are learning? Do you notice other people’s moods? Do these moods affect you?

    Are you sensitive to pain? Are you equally sensitive to beauty?

    If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you, like me, are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Chances are, you are constantly trying to make sense of how being sensitive fits into a world where a certain amount of insensitivity is seen as the key to getting ahead.

    Chances are, you have both deeply valued your sensitivity and pushed away from it. While it makes up the core of who you are, it also makes life complicated.

    Like you, I have struggled with being sensitive. First, it was because I had absorbed the cultural definition of sensitivity as weakness. And then when I did start understanding what being an HSP meant, starting from reading Elaine Aron’s classic The Highly Sensitive Person, I struggled to integrate this knowledge in my life.

    Today, while I still find my sensitivity tricky, I have started seeing it differently. Now, when I think about sensitivity, the picture that comes to mind is of a thoroughbred horse.

    This horse has a lot of nervous energy. It also has many gifts.

    When I can direct this horse properly, it has the capability to perform at the highest standards. But if I misunderstand it, the horse’s energy is scattered, out of control. It can’t even get out of the gate.

    So, how do we guide and direct this horse? How do we gallop out into the world instead of shying away from it? How do we bring our sensitive gifts to life?

    Let’s look for some answers. 

    As sensitive people, we first need to ask: What holds me up?

    At some point in your life, you might have absorbed the words that most HSPs hear: “You are too sensitive,” “You feel too much.” You might have believed these negative injunctions and gone through life in the absence of people who could see your gifts and champion them.

    If you are still looking for those people, now is the time to go on a quest for them. While it may take time to find a friend or adviser, the process of exploring can itself be rewarding.

    As an HSP, I have greatly benefited from being a part of online HSP groups. They help me see that I am not the only one having my experiences. I have also found people walking ahead on the path, and seeing them lead their lives shows me the way for leading mine.

    We all need this—to be seen and validated for who we are. And when we find our believing mirrors, whether HSPs or non-HSPs, we can have the containers that shelter us from the storms of over-stimulation and anxiety.

    And while we are working to find our champions, we also need to move inside and learn how to give ourselves what we need. When I moved from India to the United States two years back, I struggled with exactly this. In the absence of a support network, I did not know how to take care of myself.

    How could I give myself love and attention? Wasn’t it what someone else gave to you?

    Then, out of sheer necessity and through some trial and error, I started getting a glimpse of what nourishing ourselves means. I volunteered as a reading tutor, took photography classes, and embarked on my dream of being a writer.

    In those moments when I felt connected to something bigger, I felt whole. There was nothing missing.

    I started understanding that this was my area of growth, that this is what Elaine Aron means when she says that “part of maturing into wisdom is transferring more and more of your sense of security from the tangible to the intangible containers.”

    So, think of all your safe harbors, all the containers in your life. Do you have enough of the intangible ones—work, faith in something bigger, a spiritual practice? Know that you can create an internal structure that holds you up, that sustains you emotionally even as people move away or life changes.

    Once you have this inner stability, you can ask:

    How do I participate in the world more?

    As an HSP, being on the margins of the culture might have contributed to you feeling “less than.” Or you might have had a traumatic experience that you felt keenly, and you might not have found your way out of it.

    Whatever the basis of low self-esteem, the truth is that without having a basic sense of self, we are adrift. Among other things, one of the reasons that I clung on to my ill-suited corporate job for years was the feeling that I would crumble into nothing without it. And I wasn’t very sure that I deserved something better.

    In his wonderful Honoring the Self, Nathaniel Branden talks about this, and says, “The greatest barrier to achievement and success is not lack of talent or ability but rather, the fact that achievement and success, above a certain level, are outside our self concept, our image of who we are and what is appropriate to us.”

    So, if we don’t believe that we deserve something better, we will often unconsciously put up barriers to getting it. The good news is that we can build our sense of self, brick by brick.

    I strengthened my self-esteem by taking small risks, which grew into something bigger.

    I left my low self-worth job for a better one. I freelanced on the side.

    In effect, I worked hard and took concrete actions to earn my own respect.

    Having once earned it though, it’s important that we keep acting to maintain our self-belief. For some time during my transition to the United States, my sense of self became shaky again. In the last several months, I have started remembering what I had learned—that action builds our sense of self.

    I started to take risks again. One of them was coming out as an HSP through my writing.

    My entire experience of life has been colored by my sensitivity, and yet I felt like it was something I needed to hide, fearful that people would label me. They still might. But I am a little more okay with sharing myself discerningly; reaching out in those spaces where I feel it can be helpful to others.

    Whoever you are, wherever you stand, the task of building yourself up and finding your lost spaces is not going to be easy. But it is going to be worth it when you can stand in your center, and live from that place.

    In the end, the fundamental question that we are all asking is:

    How can I be more of myself?

    As HSPS, we have the additional task of unlearning all that we have learned. We might have adapted in the wrong ways. Instead of learning to manage our feelings of overwhelm, we might have started avoiding the world altogether. Or we might have shrunk inside, hurt at being misunderstood.

    But the world needs people like us—people who can empathize, who care, who can feel others’ pain. It is both our privilege as well as our challenge to learn how to do this effectively.

    We need to take up more space, to show up as who we are. We need to unfurl.

    It’s time to bring our sensitive gifts into this world.

    Photo by Marta Nørgaard

  • Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

    Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

    “Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.” ~Benjamin Spock

    I used to believe that I was my thoughts. I really believed that everything happened well because I had analyzed and planned and prepared. I didn’t even know that I was doing this. I didn’t know there was any more to me than my thoughts.

    I also used to believe that there was something seriously wrong with me, so thinking about how to fix myself was my main pastime.

    All my life people told me, “You’re too sensitive,” “so intense,” “you’re just so emotional.”

    I told this to myself, and plenty of other people told it to me too, both directly and indirectly.

    I didn’t know how to live. I had an analysis of life rather than an experience of life when I was with others. When alone, my life was deep and vivid and rich. I felt it all. Little did I know then, no one knows how to live. We do it.

    It only felt safe to feel it all alone. I’d get sideswiped by inexplicable emotion at inconvenient times. So, I just tried to keep it all under wraps, keep it all under conscious control.

    I didn’t trust myself at all. I didn’t trust my body. I didn’t trust anything other than my thoughts. My body was so unpredictable and confusing, this sensitivity was so out of control.

    Then, when I was twenty-five and married, after just graduating with my Master’s degree as a marriage and family therapist, I couldn’t do it anymore. It all fell apart. I realized that there was more to me, and the life I was living was a fake, a construction based on my thoughts.

    I got divorced. I quit my job. I moved. I dropped it all. Realizing how much of my life was a lie and how directly I could connect with and trust my body made me see that I couldn’t keep living that life. It was a beautiful break down.

    It was then that I started studying hypnosis in depth and I came in direct contact with my subconscious.

    It was a funny paradox that it was so hard for me to relax because it was hard for me to let things be easy. I thought that every thing took a lot of effort.

    I couldn’t believe that I could have such immediate and powerful results from a seemingly simple process of listening to my sensations and using them to give my body what it wanted. (more…)