Tiny Buddha

Tag: selfish

  • “Am I the Narcissist?” How to Tell If It’s You

    “Am I the Narcissist?” How to Tell If It’s You

    “Narcissism is voluntary blindness, an agreement not to look beneath the surface.” ~Sam Keen

    Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Am I the narcissist in this relationship?” If so, you’re not alone. This question can feel heavy and unsettling, especially if you’ve spent years tangled in a toxic dynamic. The more you try to figure things out, the more confusing it becomes.

    But here’s something to hold onto: The very fact that you’re asking this question is a sign that you probably aren’t narcissistic.

    Am I the Narcissist?

    Victims of narcissistic abuse often find themselves questioning their actions, replaying conversations, and overanalyzing their behavior. Meanwhile, the real narcissist rarely, if ever, stops to consider whether they might be at fault.

    Why? Because self-reflection is not in their nature. Narcissists are too wrapped up in protecting their fragile egos and carefully crafted personas to even entertain the idea that they might be the problem.

    So, if you’ve been second-guessing yourself, it’s time to stop. The very act of self-reflection shows that you’re capable of empathy and accountability—two traits a true narcissist lacks.

    My Story

    Throughout our thirty-year marriage, my ex-husband would, out of nowhere, accuse me of cheating. It was absurd. I wasn’t cheating—never had, never would. But time and again, he’d cast doubt on my every move, picking apart my behavior as if it were proof of something sinister. Each confrontation left me baffled. I wasn’t having an affair—I didn’t even have the time or energy for that!

    So why would the man I loved constantly question my loyalty?

    I convinced myself it had to be my fault. Maybe I wasn’t doing enough as a wife, and that’s why he felt so insecure, so suspicious of me.

    At the time, I had no idea I was married to a narcissist. I didn’t understand how narcissists operate, or how they twist reality. More importantly, I didn’t realize how they manipulate you into believing that you’re the problem, not them.

    “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall… Am I Perfect After All?”

    Narcissists have their own version of the enchanted mirror from Snow White—only, instead of seeking the truth, their mirror feeds them the comforting lie they desperately want to hear: “You’re perfect, flawless, and never at fault.”

    This is where narcissistic behavior thrives. While you’re stuck analyzing your every move, they’re busy basking in the reflection of their own grandiosity.

    More Than Being Self-Centered

    Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) isn’t just about someone being self-centered. It’s a deep-rooted personality disorder defined by traits like an inflated sense of self-importance, a desperate need for admiration, and a shocking lack of empathy. Narcissists wear masks of confidence, but underneath, they’re terrified of facing any feelings of inadequacy.

    So why don’t they ask, “Am I the narcissist?”

    They Can’t Handle the Truth

    The truth is, they can’t handle the answer. Their egos are protected by layers of defense mechanisms—denial, projection, and a refusal to accept responsibility. Admitting they might be flawed would shatter the fragile image they’ve built, and that’s not something a narcissist is willing to risk.

    Meanwhile, people like you—who have empathy and care deeply about relationships—are naturally prone to self-reflection. You take accountability for your actions and genuinely want to improve, which is exactly why you’re asking yourself tough questions. And while you’re busy looking in the mirror wondering what you can do better, the narcissist? Well, they’ve already convinced themselves they’re the fairest of them all.

    A Truth Revealed

    Eventually, I uncovered the ugly truth—my ex-husband wasn’t just accusing me out of insecurity; he was projecting his own guilt. He had cheated on me—multiple times. In fact, over fifty times.

    In his twisted logic, he’d convinced himself that if he could pin an affair on me, it would somehow clear his conscience. But when his accusations didn’t stick, he switched tactics, offering up three audacious claims:

    1. His cheating was my fault because I didn’t satisfy him.

    2. I should be grateful he “only” cheated physically, and never emotionally.

    3. I needed to stay quiet about it because everyone would just blame me anyway (he was just looking out for me, of course).

    What didn’t I hear? An apology. Not even close.

    Instead, I was bombarded with deflections, denials, and outright lies.

    He tried to flip the narrative—suddenly, I was the bad guy. According to him, I was the narcissist because I couldn’t see how “wonderful” he was. I was being stubborn for staying angry when forgiveness, in his eyes, was the obvious solution. And his lies? They were all to protect me because, of course, he was such a “great” person.

    Classic narcissist move.

    The Narcissist’s Tactics: Dodging Responsibility Like a Pro

    Narcissists are experts at shifting the blame, turning the tables, and making you question your reality. When things start to fall apart, they’ll do anything to avoid being the “bad guy,” and instead, they’ll paint you as the problem. Let’s break down some of their go-to tactics:

    Projection: “You’re the one who’s selfish!”

    Narcissists often accuse you of the very behavior they’re guilty of. It’s called projection, and it works to distract you from their faults while making you feel responsible. You might hear things like:

    • “You’re so controlling!”
    • “All you care about is yourself!”
    • “You’re the one who’s toxic, not me!”

    This clever tactic puts you on the defensive, and before you know it, you’re questioning your own behavior instead of seeing theirs for what it is.

    My narcissist projected his own guilt onto me, twisting reality to fit his narrative. He even had the audacity to “forgive” me—just in case I had cheated and wasn’t confessing to it. In his mind, he was the noble one, magnanimously overlooking my imagined sins, while I was painted as the villain. He created an alternate reality where he was the hero and I was the problem.

    Blame Shifting: “I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t push me!”

    Blame shifting is another favorite tool. Narcissists twist situations to make their reactions seem like your fault. They’ll say things like:

    • “If you didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn’t have yelled.”
    • “I only lied because you wouldn’t understand.”
    • “You always make me act this way.”

    By blaming you for their behavior, they avoid taking responsibility and leave you feeling guilty for things you didn’t cause. Narcissists blur the lines between what’s right and wrong, often making you feel like you can’t do anything right.

    My ex-husband didn’t just blame me for his cheating—he actually tried to twist the situation so he could get praise for his behavior.

    During therapy, we uncovered that he was addicted to porn, and that addiction warped his entire view of what a healthy relationship should look like. Once the label of “addict” was slapped on him, he leaned into it, casting himself as the real victim and expecting me to be more understanding and accepting of his choices.

    Even now, he refuses to take any responsibility. Instead, he continues to shift the blame onto me, parading his addiction as an excuse while claiming victimhood.

    Emotional Manipulation: “You’re the reason this relationship is falling apart.”

    Narcissists love to emotionally manipulate you into feeling like you’re responsible for every problem in the relationship. They’ll use guilt and shame to keep you doubting yourself. Expect phrases like:

    • “I’m trying my best, but you keep ruining everything.”
    • “This is all on you. I’ve done nothing wrong.”
    • “If you don’t change, this will never work.”

    By making you feel overly responsible, they deflect attention from their own toxic behavior and keep you stuck in a cycle of self-blame. Narcissists train you to question yourself so often that it becomes second nature.

    After enduring narcissistic abuse, it’s no wonder you’re left feeling confused and full of self-doubt. Narcissists are masters at eroding your sense of self, making it hard to trust your own judgment.

    When my narcissist first cautioned me not to share the news that he was a cheater, I was drowning so thoroughly in his contrived world that I believed the lie that other people would blame me for his cheating. How messed up is that?

    Clear Signs You’re Not a Narcissist

    ✔️Self-Awareness

    You recognize when something is wrong, and you’re willing to reflect on your words, thoughts, and actions. Narcissists, on the other hand, never admit fault.

    ✔️Empathy

    You genuinely care about others’ feelings and how your behavior impacts them. Narcissists lack this trait entirely.

    ✔️Willingness to Change

    You’re open to feedback and want to grow. A narcissist resists any form of personal growth or accountability.

    Time to Stop Questioning and Start Healing

    It’s time to put the doubts to rest and start focusing on your healing. You’ve spent too long in the shadow of someone else’s manipulation, but now it’s your turn to reclaim your sense of self.

    1. Recognize the manipulation.

    Acknowledge that the doubts and self-blame you feel are the result of narcissistic tactics, not reality.

    2. Rebuild your self-esteem.

    Start setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-compassion. You are worthy of kindness—from others and, most importantly, from yourself.

    3. Seek support.

    Don’t be afraid to reach out to a therapist or a support group. Surround yourself with people who validate your experience and can guide you through your healing process.

    The very fact that you’re reflecting, questioning, and growing means you are not the narcissist. You deserve to trust yourself and live free from self-doubt. Start rebuilding your life, and remember—healing is not only possible, but you are already on your way.

    I Am Not a Narcissist!

    After years of living in the shadow of my ex-husband’s narcissistic abuse, I’ve finally stepped into the light—reclaiming my self-confidence piece by piece. It wasn’t easy. It took time, energy, and relentless effort, but I got here by following three crucial steps: recognizing, rebuilding, and reaching out.

    First, I recognized the manipulation for what it was. Then, I began the long process of rebuilding my shattered sense of self. But the most important part? I reached out. My friends and therapists became lifelines, helping me see the truth and guiding me toward healing.

    Now, it’s your turn.

    Time to Believe in Yourself

    If you’ve been asking yourself, “Am I the narcissist?” it’s a strong indication that you are not. It’s time to trust yourself again. You’ve been through the emotional wringer, but now you have the chance to reclaim your confidence and rebuild your self-worth.

    Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, but every step you take brings you closer to a life free from manipulation and self-doubt. Remember, you are not the problem—you are capable of change, growth, and, ultimately, healing.

  • It’s Okay to Have No Purpose Beyond Being and Enjoying This Moment

    It’s Okay to Have No Purpose Beyond Being and Enjoying This Moment

    “I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.” ~Joseph Campbell

    I was sitting on my yoga mat with my legs stretched out in front of me. I bent forward into a fold, puffing and clenching my jaw as I extended my fingertips toward my toes. I was growing angrier by the second.

    A slew of sour thoughts marched through my brain.

    This is stupid. I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing. I’m so out of shape. Other people have no trouble with this pose. This hurts. Why bother doing yoga at all? It doesn’t work.

    My mat resistance was strong at this moment, but it was also indicative of a much larger problem. Doing the pose “right” wasn’t the issue here; it was my belief that unless I could bend a certain way, I wasn’t progressing in my yoga teacher training.

    I wasn’t meeting my goal. I wasn’t being “productive.”

    And surely, there was no greater sin than that.

    A Collective Fungus

    The idea that you aren’t worthy unless you are producing results has seeped like insidious black mold into every facet of our modern lives.

    We are pressured to always be making goals, going somewhere, or achieving something. “Doing nothing” is scorned as lazy. Pursuing a hobby with no monetary value or social esteem is deemed a waste of time.

    You only have a certain number of days on this planet. If you don’t spend them hustling, you’re of no use to anyone.

    You’re writing a novel? Well, have you published it yet? How much money did you get for it?

    Oh, you’ve taken up jogging? Why? Are you planning on running a marathon? What are your weight goals?

    Don’t you want to leave a legacy behind? Don’t you want people to read off a list of impressive accomplishments at your funeral?

    But the truth is that the most meaningful things that happen to us in life have no clear point.

    You can’t cash in on the beauty of a sunset. There’s no “purpose” to stargazing. Listening to a song that transports you out of time and space doesn’t pay the bills.

    Moments like these are born from joy and wonder, and they are what give our lives meaning. It’s time we gave ourselves permission to feel them.

    1. Schedule time to do nothing.

    Once I realized how much the burden of being productive was curdling my overall joy in life, I started setting aside time to simply “be.” For me, this involved sitting on my porch with a glass of wine in hand, trying to simply be present to what was going on around me.

    No phone, no music, no screens.

    What became very apparent, very quickly, was how restless I grew without any busywork. I felt guilty and slothful. What was the point of just sitting here, enjoying the scenery? I should be out there doing something.

    But I did my best to ignore such feelings, and I continued to show up for these pockets of allotted rest. What I noticed was that gradually, the shame began to melt away. The more I gave myself permission to do nothing, the more I felt my spirit expand in the space I had created for it.

    These boozy relaxation sessions on the porch were only one way to cultivate gratitude and stillness. I tried other things as well, like bringing a more presence-focused—and less goal-oriented—attitude to my yoga practice.

    The “5-4-3-2-1” meditation was another helpful centering practice. It goes something like this:

    Take a moment to look around and note five things you see. Then note four things you hear, three things you can touch, two things you smell, and one thing you can taste. You can mix and match what senses go with which number.

    These moments of “being time” will look different for everyone. The point is to take a moment to note what is happening around you right here, right now.

    Let go of the shame that is so often attached to being “unproductive.” Give yourself permission to do nothing, even if it’s just for a few minutes a day.

    2. Abandon the idea that “self-love” means “selfish.”

    Granting yourself the grace to “be” is an integral component of self-love—a complicated and guilt-provoking term for many of us because we have so often been told that “self-love” is the same thing as “selfishness.”

    This misconception is yet another way our society has prioritized “hustling” over inner peace, and such an attitude often leads to the tragic dismissal of our own feelings and boundaries.

    Labeling self-love as selfish doesn’t stem from a healthy consideration of those around you, but from a devaluing of your own humanity.

    Self-love is the recognition that you have inherent value as a human being who takes up space on this beautiful green and blue marble.

    In practice, it means doing things that reinforce this truth—in whatever way nourishes you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

    For me, it means eating greener and doing yoga. It means respecting my creative process by resting so I don’t burn out.

    It means giving myself permission to let go of relationships that are ruled by guilt or fear. It means practicing embodiment through breathing exercises and checking in with my mental health.

    These are my ways of practicing self-love. They don’t have to be yours. Pay attention to what makes you feel free and joyous. Then go do that.

    Try to embrace that fact that you are worth prioritizing, every day, until this idea blossoms into your lived reality.

    3. Give yourself permission to not have a “purpose.”

    Have you ever been in a job interview and had the person sitting across from you ask, “So where do you see yourself in five years?’

    Well, consider this your official letter of permission to have no clue what you’re doing in five years—or even one year. You don’t even have to know what you’re doing tomorrow.

    The only “purpose” we have as human beings is to move toward and reflect love. There are a lot of different ways to do this, and everyone deserves the space to discover the path that is right for them.

    Ultimately, life is about joy, not productivity or the subjective goalposts of success. Grant yourself the grace to exist in this world. Being alive is a miracle.

    You are enough simply because you are.

  • Why We Need to Put Ourselves First and Prioritize Our Own Happiness

    Why We Need to Put Ourselves First and Prioritize Our Own Happiness

    “Putting yourself first is not selfish. Quite the opposite. You must put your happiness and health first before you can be of use to anyone else.” ~Simon Sinek

    If you’re someone who cares deeply for the people in your life, you may want to do anything you can for them. This devotion isn’t always reciprocated. Not to say we should only think of things in a transactional nature, but sometimes we can selflessly give ourselves away to people who are careless with our own needs.

    It often leaves us feeling like we’re being taken advantage of.

    It often leaves us feeling depleted, empty, and resentful.

    It often leaves us feeling like we’re trying to make everyone else happy, yet we’re miserable.

    Instead of doing things because we want to do them, we end up doing them because we’re attempting to make others happy.

    These are the moments that eat me alive. I end up sticking around a project far longer than I should because I’m worried about what it will mean for the other person.

    For the last year, I’ve been producing a weekly podcast with a friend. When we started it gave me purpose and joy, and I loved to work on it. But now? It feels like work I dread. I think about wanting to quit all the time. It’s an energy suck on my life. And all I can think of is, will they be unhappy with me if I tell them I don’t want to do the podcast anymore?

    I’m guessing we’ve all done this before—base our happiness on the happiness of others. We think…

    My parents won’t be happy unless I become a doctor, so I’ll go to medical school.

    My partner won’t be happy unless I prioritize their career over mine, so I’ll give up on my dreams.

    My kids won’t be happy unless I devote every waking moment to their needs, so I’ll sacrifice my sense of self.

    My friends won’t be happy unless I drop everything when they need me, so I’ll put my life on hold.

    My family won’t be happy unless I am the person they want me to be, so I’ll put their needs first.

    My cat won’t be happy unless… cats will *never* be happy. Much like most of the people who expect you to do these things for them. If they attach an expectation, you aren’t dealing with someone who values your worth and what’s meaningful to you.

    They’re looking at you as a means to something they want. This isn’t saying that’s a “bad” person, it’s the reality of being a human. There’s software running in the background that is based on self-preservation. It is universal among all living organisms.

    This software doesn’t exactly serve us in situations like this because it does everything it can to avoid pain and fear. And that’s exactly what’s keeping us stuck in these circumstances. We don’t want to cause pain in others, and we sure as hell don’t want to experience pain ourselves. And we fear what will happen if we say no to these people and prioritize our own needs.

    Will our parents stop loving us?

    Will our partner leave us?

    Will our kids suffer?

    Will our friends stop being our friends?

    Will our family start to ignore us?

    Will my cat still love me?

    It’s normal to have feelings of pain and fear.

    That’s worth emphasizing because you might think that the pain and fear are unique to your situation. It’s not. Pain and fear are a normal part of life.

    If we can see the choices we make through this lens of pain and fear, we can better understand why others are perhaps projecting their pain and fear onto us and our decisions.

    This is where it takes some courage. The only way things will ever change is if you stand up for yourself (because nobody else will). Stand up like you would for someone you love or a cause you care about. Stand up like your survival depends on it… because it does.

    It’s not selfish to put yourself first (what you want to do with your life). It’s selfish to expect others to put you and your needs first (what others want you to do with your life).

    I have a kid on the way. And thinking of her being here has forced me to think of my happiness differently. If I’m working on projects that feel like they’re robbing me of my time, I’m willingly sacrificing the kind of dad I want to be—present and grounded. The poor kid would be left with a warm body and a mind that is elsewhere racing with anxiety because I’m focused on making others happy.

    You could do nothing with the hopes of avoiding pain and fear, but it will invite a lifetime of regret. This is the equivalent of death by a thousand paper cuts. You lose your sense of identity, your life feels meaningless, and you drift aimlessly in a life that is not yours.

    This.

    Is.

    It.

    There are no do-overs.

    No second chances.

    You don’t get to do this life all over again.

    So don’t waste your days living someone else’s life.

    In the end, I decided that who I want to be as a father is a hell of a lot more important to me than a project. And much like most things we avoid in life, I had turned the decision into something far more complicated than it needed to be. It was a lesson learned from Dr Seuss who wrote, “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”

    Those who matter want to see you happy.

    They’re not the ones holding you back. They’re the cheerleaders of your life who ask you, who do you want to become?

    Commit to living your answer. It’s not selfish. It’s prioritizing your happiness.

  • 3 Questions Every People-Pleaser Should Ask Before Making a Decision

    3 Questions Every People-Pleaser Should Ask Before Making a Decision

    “The one thing you learn is when you can step out of your comfort zone and be uncomfortable, you see what you’re made of and who you are.” ~Sue Bird

    I am a recovering people-pleaser.

    I grew up in a hardworking, blue-collar house, nestled in a humble, rural, blue-collar town. I was instructed, both consciously and unconsciously, on how to fit in and play my part.

    My entire decision-making process revolved around what I was supposed to do, how my actions made others feel, and the impact I would have on the status-quo. I became a teacher because that is a wonderful profession for women. I underwent multiple fertility treatments because all women want to have a baby.

    I never questioned anything. I just floated along on a raft, built generations before me, carrying me down a river of inevitability. Then, one day, my raft crashed.

    I was sitting in a greasy diner, the vinyl booth sticking to my thighs. I had just endured another fertility treatment across the street. While listening to spoons tinkling against ceramic cups, I wondered why I was going through all this. Was it for me or because it’s what I thought I was supposed to do?

    I suddenly realized I had to make a choice. I could lie back in the river and let the current take me, or I could climb onto the riverbank and begin walking on my own two legs.

    I was disoriented. Training fought against instinct. Fear clashed with desire. What would people think? How would my friends and family feel? Would they be disappointed? Angry?

    Like a newborn fawn on wobbly legs, I took my first step onto the riverbank. I was afraid, but I was determined to begin walking my own path. My steps were small in the beginning—little decisions that tested the ground beneath my feet.

    With each new step, I gained more confidence. The fear, guilt, and self-doubt began to recede. I slowly reclaimed my autonomy and began to chart my own course with intention.

    Looking back on my journey from people-pleaser to self-empowered, I identified three main questions I ask myself before making a decision.

    1. Is this my priority?

    As people-pleasers, we are quick to sacrifice our own wants and needs to make others happy. We’ve been trained to dismiss ourselves for the benefit of everyone else. We’ve been rewarded for being modest, simple, agreeable, and easy. We never learn to identify what is important to us.

    Before answering yes, we must clarify our priorities. This is the foundation for healthier decision making.  Sitting in that diner booth I asked myself, “Is having a baby my priority?”

    My answer was profound and disturbing. I was trying to get pregnant because that is what was expected of me—as a woman, as a wife, as a daughter. Having a baby and being a mother was not my priority.

    I was at once relieved and frightened. That moment of clarity allowed me to decide what kind of future I would create. But that also meant that I would be going against the tide. My “training” kicked in immediately. How would my decision impact those around me? Who did I think I was to choose my own path?

    Fear arises to shove us back into our comfort zone. It’s a deeply ingrained self-defense mechanism. Fear is designed to protect, and it has a role to play when the danger is high. The problem is that, often, our fear is an overinflated response to the psychological conditioning people-pleasers have learned

    We fear the backlash that comes from expressing an independent opinion that differs from our what our family believes or what society defines as the norm. Our conditioning has us believing that being unique is less safe, and that belief holds us back from fulfilling our potential.

    Realizing we are moving in the wrong direction is the foundation to becoming self-empowered.

    2. What is important to me?

    Putting ourselves first is not a fatal condition. It’s quite the opposite. Choosing autonomy and self-fulfillment is the healthiest thing we can do. Achieving our greatest potential, self-actualization, is at the top of Mazlow’s Hierarchy of Needs. After I realized having a baby was not my priority, I asked myself, “What is important to me?”

    I had absolutely no clue. It took a long time to figure out. This was a new way of thinking. I wasn’t used to focusing on myself. I had a lot of self-doubt. I fluctuated between what I wanted and what was expected. I had to define, for the first time, who I was and what I wanted.

    It was difficult to keep refocusing on myself. I went through a process of retraining my brain and creating new habits. Everything I had been taught needed to be reprogrammed to fit my new way of being in the world.

    My transformation began with clarifying my values and priorities. I defined what was important to me. I realized that personal responsibility, continuous improvement, and positive energy were paramount to the person I wanted to be. I began to hold myself, and others, to a higher standard.

    I began to recognize when someone was using me instead of doing their own work. I realized I allowed people to manipulate me for their own gain. Once I clarified my values, it was much easier to stand up for them.

    Whenever I was faced with a decision, I asked myself, “Does this fit with what I value? Is this important to me? Is this a positive contribution?” This created a filter through which all my decisions were placed.  This filter allows me to make the decisions that are aligned with me.

    Getting crystal clear on our priorities is the roadmap for achieving our dreams and desires.

    3. How will I feel after I make my decision?

    Again, our conditioning will have us people-pleasers worrying about everyone else. It’s crucial to stay focused on ourselves and our priorities. We are flexing a new muscle.

    Putting ourselves first feels awkward and wrong because we have been taught that it is rude and unbecoming. It keeps us frozen in the ambiguity of imaginary worst-case scenarios. We need to play out the scenario and confront the questions:

    How will I feel if I say yes?

    How will I feel if I say no?

    In my case the questions were, “How will I feel if I continue the fertility treatments? How will I feel if I stop?”

    I realized that f I stopped the treatments, I would feel in control of my body and my life again. I would have more time to spend on my writing and enjoy living life with my husband again. If I continued the treatments, I would be making everyone happy except myself.

    I realized that I didn’t need to have a baby to be fulfilled. The answer became crystal clear. It was time to stop. Identifying the right decision for me was a relief.

    Would others be disappointed with my decision? For sure. Would others disagree? Absolutely. But my newly discovered self-awareness gave me a sense of peace. I replaced fear with freedom.

    In place of people-pleasing, I have become thoughtfully selfish. Being selfish has its virtues—self-awareness, self-confidence, self-fulfillment, self-care. These are all healthy ways of being selfish.

    Do more of what makes you happy.

    Making thoughtfully selfish decisions gives you the freedom to be a more generous, loving, and positive human being. Instead of worrying so much about how you will be perceived, you will feel healthier, happier, and more confident.

    Give yourself permission to focus on your needs and you will become the unique person you are meant to be. You don’t have the power to please everyone, but you do have the power to please yourself.

  • When You Focus on Yourself, Don’t Forget Everyone Else

    When You Focus on Yourself, Don’t Forget Everyone Else

    “Time and good friends are two things that get more valuable the older you get.” ~Unknown

    In recent years, we’ve collectively been talking a lot about creating boundaries and letting go of things that no longer serve us. Many of us have gotten better at permitting ourselves to say no and to escape old habits and routines. We’re also more open about our choices to reject people and places that exude bad vibrations or bad energy.

    I love that we’re becoming more conscious of the universe that’s always changing all around us. Together, we’re acknowledging the power we have to make mindful decisions that resonate with our higher selves. That’s what it’s all been about, right?

    Maybe not quite.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about how this evolution on the focus of “self” is affecting everyone and everything else.

    While we’re busy setting boundaries against the world, are we forgetting to establish boundaries with ourselves? And when we are actively avoiding places with bad vibes, are we considering the energy we bring into spaces?

    While we’re working on finding inner balance, are we leaving behind the people that depend on us for stability? And while we’re off becoming who we’re meant to be, are we selectively excluding parts of our reality?

    Think about it.

    You can love the vibes of your favorite studio, but if you show up five minutes late, after frantically running in from the subway, you shift the energy of the entire room.

    Or, in another example, you may feel empowered by a boundary you set with someone, but what if the person on the other end doesn’t understand why?

    You can be in the process of becoming your best self, but are you also still honoring your relationships and responsibilities? Are you still honoring the world that gives you the space to breathe?

    What we need to avoid, quite frankly, is becoming spiritually selfish.

    True, when we show up for ourselves, we’re better at showing up for others, but we can’t forget to notice how we show up in the meantime.

    Of course, we must have an understanding of how we feel through developing self-awareness. It’s also vital we retain an awareness of how we make others feel.

    Yes, we must focus on what’s happening in our inner world with more compassion, but that doesn’t mean dismissing what’s happening in the world around us. We must learn how to find stillness in our chaos, but it’s just as imperative that we are not causing any chaos ourselves.

    I’ve loved my spiritual journey, and I’ve found a lot of value in exploring the confines of what I didn’t think was possible while keeping an open mind to what more there could be.

    I’ve become more grounded by taking the time to get to know the edges of myself. And I’ve learned to alchemize my vulnerability to help me move toward my potential. Even still, I’ll admit I’ve probably been selfish in the process of my enlightenment.

    While I’ve been working on self-care, self-love, and self-awareness, I’ve probably ignored a few calls I should’ve made, plans I shouldn’t have changed, and relationships I should’ve maintained better.

    I’ve heard from many spiritually minded folks that the journey toward becoming your highest self does often get lonely. Relationships dwindle. Priorities change.

    The idea is that, once you become more aware of yourself, you’ll attract more of what truly resonates with you into your life. Be it friends, jobs, romantic partners—the more connected you are with yourself, the more connected you’ll be to the magnetic pull of destiny.

    And yet there’s something to be said of living too deeply in our heads.

    Yes, we should prioritize our well-being and align our actions with the truth inside of us. Yes, we should take the time to get to know ourselves and extract barriers. Yes, we should commit to our purpose and reject experiences that hinder us.

    But there’s a balance to be found between awakening spiritually and living in reality. We can’t use spirituality as an excuse to avoid things that we can’t face. We can’t use spirituality as a reason to dismiss people without compassion.

    We can’t use spirituality to justify falling off the face of the earth because we’re discovering our inner world. We can’t use spirituality to rationalize ignoring everything that helped us arrive at this turning point.

    I am all about balancing our chakras, but I am also all for balancing our lives. And all I mean by this is, we can’t become so absorbed as seekers that we forget to see what and who has been there for us before our search began.

    I’ve been told this road gets lonely, but I refuse to believe that’s the only truth.

    If this resonates with you, then I ask you: bring others with you. Show others your way while listening to theirs. Build a community around what people believe. Honor those who don’t see the way you do, but still see them as who they are to you. Share, engage, and let the world in while you try to figure out what world you want to live in.

    Start to notice how you show up. Become aware of how your presence impacts the spaces you enter. Be mindful of the connection outside of the one you have with the universe. There’s no reason that our spiritual awakening should be a one-lane road. Let’s build bridges so others can follow or at least visit if they want to.

    Above all else, remember that while we focus on the self, we can’t just forget about everyone else.

  • How to Ask for What You Want and Need (No, It’s Not Selfish)

    How to Ask for What You Want and Need (No, It’s Not Selfish)

    “It’s not selfish to put yourself first—it’s self-full.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

    I’ve always thought of myself as individualistic. When I was a teenager, I often felt the desire to go against the grain, dressing alternatively and shunning bands my peers liked because I felt they were too popular. So it came as a huge surprise to me when my therapist called me a people pleaser the other day.

    I recently started cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia, and during the first session my therapist identified that I put other people’s needs and wants ahead of my own.

    He’d asked me to give an example of a situation that is currently making me anxious (since anxiety is both a cause and symptom of insomnia), and I told him a landscaper made a mistake in my yard and I was feeling bad asking him to fix it.

    I’d hired the landscaper to build a fence and incorporate a parking pad into my backyard space. While the fence turned out awesome, the landscaper brought too much loam and turned the parking pad area into a hill that sloped down from the fence to the garage. When I asked him to level it, he got angry and said he had already spent man-hours on the project and would be losing money.

    I started to feel bad. Was his business doing okay? Did he have kids?

    “The job you agreed upon was for him to level it,” my therapist said. “It has to be level.”

    “But what if he is losing money?”

    “That’s none of your business. You wanted it level. It has to be level.”

    It took him repeating that sentence to me a few more times before the concept clicked, and I knew he was right. I was putting someone else’s wants and needs above my own. I do it all the time.

    “Why don’t I put myself first?” I asked him. “It’s like I think I don’t deserve to be treated as well as other people.”

    I expected my therapist to say I have low self-esteem and needed to work on that, but instead he said, “Because you’re framing it wrong.”

    Then he asked, “What’s your favorite ice cream?”

    Thrown off by the change in topic, I stammered something about Maple Walnut.

    “And is there an ice cream flavor you dislike?”

    “Tiger.”

    “So when you go to an ice cream store, do you ask yourself whether you deserve Maple Walnut or if you should just accept Tiger?”

    “Of course not.”

    “There you go. It isn’t about whether you deserve to have something, it’s that you want it. Plain and simple.”

    It was simple. Suddenly I felt like I’d been let in on the secret all the confident, take-no-crap, boundary-setting people in my life have known forever. If they want something, they go for it. They don’t stand around questioning whether or not they deserve to have it.

    In my case, I wanted the parking pad incorporated into my yard so that I could enjoy the added space. Therefore, the backyard has to be level.

    “Now that you know your position, the next step is to communicate it correctly,” my therapist continued. “Do not ask, ‘Can you please make this level?’ Simply say, ‘We agreed it would be level, so it has to be level.’”

    We ran through hypothetical life situations where I could apply this technique, and each time I made the mistake of asking the other person to “please” grant my wishes instead of communicating my wants and needs. Every time I smiled sheepishly at the mistake, it hammered home how I unconsciously present myself to other people.

    While trying to be polite and accommodate everyone else, I might actually be telling people I’m a doormat. Of course people are going to walk all over me because I haven’t given them guidance on where they can and cannot step!

    At the end of the appointment, I resolved to start setting boundaries and ask for what I want in life, and I saw results immediately. When I told the landscaper the yard had to be level, he fixed it. By no longer questioning whether or not I “deserved” the same treatment as everyone else and simply asking for it, I gained self-confidence.

    Granted, not all situations in life are as clear-cut as standing up for yourself with a landscaper. There are times to stand your ground and times to compromise, and the trick is to learn to tell the difference.

    Sometimes our wants and needs can directly affect other people, or their wants and needs can be in conflict with our own. In this case, it’s important to remember to balance healthy self-assertion with consideration and respect for others.

    For someone who habitually puts other people’s wants and needs ahead of her own, putting myself first simply means treating myself the same way I treat them—not trampling on everyone else!

    The ice cream story has changed my perception on putting myself first. It’s not selfish—it’s self-full. Sometimes I slip back into old habits and wonder if I deserve something, but then I remind myself I wouldn’t accept Tiger when I want Maple Walnut.

    Here are a few simple steps to setting boundaries and asking for what you want and need in life:

    1. Know your position.

    The most important step in setting boundaries is to know your position—what you want—and to stick with it. That way when someone comes back at you trying to change your mind, you can simply go back to your position.

    Imagine you’re at a dealership and you tell the salespeople that your budget is 10K. If they respond, “We have a newer model with leather seats and a sunroof for 13K,” your response should be, “My budget is 10K.” If they tell you only rust buckets go for 10K, tell them your budget is 10K and then walk away.

    Don’t forget what you want or need. It’s easier not to be bullied or walked on when you are confident in your position.

    2. Communicate your position.

    Communicate your position properly is just as important. When you ask someone to honor your wishes or approve of your position, you’re asking them to make you happy. But when you tell them what you want or need, you’re making yourself happy.

    If a friend asks you to go to a party with them but you don’t want a late night, you can choose to say no or agree to go on your own terms. Rather than asking if it’s okay if you leave early, tell them that you will go with them for a bit but you want to get a good sleep.

    If a friend is having an elaborate and expensive birthday and you can’t afford to attend multiple events, tell them. You do not have to apologize. Simply communicate what you can and cannot do.

    People don’t necessarily aim to walk on you, but if you don’t communicate what you want and expect, there is a greater chance it will happen. Have you ever felt taken advantage of but didn’t communicate your feelings, and the frustration built up inside of you until you finally snapped? Or worse: snapped at the wrong person? I’ve definitely been guilty of that.

    If you set boundaries and communicate them, everyone will know where they stand, and it will prevent future blowups.

    3. Stop asking if you “deserve” what you want.

    In my opinion, this is the most important principle. Do not question whether or not you deserve things in life. Simply know what you want and go for it.

    People who don’t set boundaries often don’t feel they “deserve” to set boundaries, and they feel that way because they’re used to always putting other people first. Their low self-esteem has been reinforced by their own inability to state what they want. It’s a vicious cycle.

    We can’t always get what we want in life, but we definitely won’t get it if we don’t ask. By focusing on what you want or need in life, rather than questioning whether you’re worthy to receive, you will help guide your own success and self-confidence will follow!

  • 5 Myths About Setting Boundaries That Steal Your Joy and Lead to Resentment

    5 Myths About Setting Boundaries That Steal Your Joy and Lead to Resentment

    Meditating in a Bubble

    “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.” ~Brené Brown

    Do you find yourself saying yes when you’d rather say no? Are you inexplicably exhausted all the time? Do you often experience anger, bitterness, or resentment toward yourself or others?

    I did too for a long time.

    I’m a recovering people pleaser. For as long as I can remember, I desired to keep everyone around me happy. I was also very fearful of upsetting others.

    Over time, I found myself doing whatever I could to keep others happy. In short, this meant saying yes to just about every request that came my way. No matter the day or time, no matter what I was doing, I found time for others by neglecting my own needs.

    For instance, I often need time alone for personal reflection and meditation. But instead of starting my day with silence, I would begin my days by checking email. This would often cause me to start my day feeling stressed. At the end of each day I was often exhausted and irritable.

    Over time, this path became unsustainable. By not giving myself the care I needed, I was much less effective at caring for others. As my feelings of resentment and bitterness grew, I knew that something had to give. I needed to develop healthy boundaries to protect myself and others.

    Over the years, as I’ve strengthened my own boundaries and helped others do so, I’ve found some common misconceptions about boundaries that keep people from creating and enforcing them.

    If you struggle with boundaries, it’s likely that you’re consciously or unconsciously harboring some of these misconceptions as well:

    1. Boundaries are not needed in intimate relationships.

    Every relationship needs boundaries to be healthy. Setting boundaries is all about establishing ownership over what’s yours versus what belongs to someone else. Boundaries may be physical, emotional, or spiritual. Dr. Henry Cloud, author of Boundaries, defines the concept this way:

    “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”

    No relationship, no matter how familial, is exempt—that includes relationships with spouses, lovers, children, parents, coworkers, extended family, and close friends. This misconception alone is responsible for a high degree of dysfunction in our families and intimate relationships.

    It’s actually rare for people to have boundary problems with total strangers or acquaintances. People often struggle with boundary issues in their most personal relationships.

    It makes sense: those who know us best may use that knowledge to manipulate us. Most of the time, this happens unconsciously but it makes the reality no less painful. However, the solution is not to pretend that nothing’s wrong for the sake of the relationship.

    2. Boundary setting is for selfish people.

    If you’ve had loose boundaries for a long time and attempt to put some in place, it’s almost guaranteed that someone will call you “selfish.”

    For some people, the idea of losing their power over you will cause them to do or say almost anything to keep you under their control. Others are simply unaware of the ways in which they were conditioned to view any form of self-care as selfish.

    If you’re a naturally generous person, you may refrain from creating or enforcing boundaries for fear of being viewed as selfish and cold. However, setting boundaries is one of the most generous things you can do for others.

    Boundary setting is not about being selfish; it’s about protecting the spiritual property rights of yourself and others. Because it’s not just about protecting yourself from others, it’s also about protecting others from your own potential toxic behaviors that may unconsciously occur when your needs are not being met.

    In my case, when I did not give myself the alone time I needed, I often snapped at the people closest to me. This reality finally convinced me to take action by waking up earlier in the morning to spend the first moments of my day in solitude.

    3. Setting boundaries means being aggressive toward others.

    If you’re a sensitive person, this common myth can be an obstacle to setting proper boundaries. Boundary setting does not mean that you need to get in peoples’ faces, have nasty arguments, or display acts of aggression toward others. In fact, aggression is a sign of poor boundaries.

    Setting boundaries is really about modifying your own behavior to conform to the reality that you are limited in what you can do for others. It means recognizing that to effectively bring your authentic self to others, you must care for yourself—not as an afterthought, but in a primary way.

    4. Setting boundaries involves saying no all the time.

    Undoubtedly, learning to say no is a big part of proper boundary setting, but this is not the end all be all. Learning to say no is ultimately about learning to say yes to the things that truly matter in your relationships with yourself and others. In other words, “no’s” pave the way to authentic “yes’s.”

    It’s also important to realize that not all boundaries are created equally. Boundaries have different levels of permeability depending on the nature of the relationship and the individual on the other end of the relationship.

    Boundaries tend to be more permeable when dealing with the people closest to you (quite different from having no boundaries at all) and less so when dealing with strangers. However, if the family member is highly manipulative then the boundary will need to be less permeable.

    5. Nobody will like you if you set boundaries.

    We resist setting boundaries to appear more likeable to others. If you’re a recovering people pleaser like me, you’ll be tempted to answer phone calls, emails, or texts immediately. You’ll quietly bear the lion’s share of the workload at school or in the workplace, and you’re probably wearing many hats as a church or non-profit volunteer. Finally, you can be counted on to take on any other roles that nobody else wants to sign up for.

    If you’ve lived this way for many years, upending the balance can seem daunting. Besides, everyone thinks you’re a saint and you feel highly regarded by your peers.

    This may be true, but it’s also likely that some of these people actually respect you less and view you as a pushover. Some will actively take advantage of your kindness because they know they can always get what they want from you. Are these relationships really worth protecting?

    Free Yourself By Defining Your Boundaries

    Are you ready to be free of resentment and bitterness?

    If you’ve resonated with these misconceptions, you already know that it’s time to try something new.

    Fortunately, there are steps you can take today to begin setting boundaries in your life. These include: clearly defining your values, learning to say no, asking for what you need, and making time for yourself.

    Defining your boundaries will feel cold and hostile in the beginning. But if you do it with a compassionate heart, you’ll regain your joy.

    And you’ll increase the joy of those around you.

    Editor’s Note: Cylon has generously offered to give five readers free access to the Kindle version of his book Self-Love: How to Love Yourself Unconditionally. With this book, you’ll learn how to overcome negative thinking, grow your confidence, and transform your life.

    To enter for a chance to win, leave a comment below. You don’t need to write anything specific—“count me in for the giveaway!” is sufficient. You can enter until midnight PST on Friday, September 2nd.

    Update: The winners for this giveaway are: Melody of Life, Regan, Michael Gibson, Mary Banks, and Dylan Montanez.

  • How To Take Your Life Back From People Who Ask for Too Much

    How To Take Your Life Back From People Who Ask for Too Much

    Say no

    “It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority.” ~Mandy Hale

    It sucks, doesn’t it?

    People who ask too much of you?

    People who steal your time and drain your energy.

    Who just keep on attacking your natural defenses, abusing your loyalty and exploiting your love.

    You want to stop giving, to say no! But frustratingly, when you try to pull away, they say or imply that you’re the selfish one.

    And in some cases it’s unwanted or impractical to distance yourself from that person, especially if they’re a family member or even a partner.

    But if you do give in to the barrage of persistent requests, the cumulative effect can be devastating to your emotional and physical well-being.

    I know from personal experience.

    A Lost Life

    Oh dear, life turned out not so great for my mum, bless her. The more her life came unglued, the more she retreated into a space she felt comfortable in. With each setback, she stepped further back, refusing to take action, to accept responsibility.

    It became noticeable when she stopped driving. Nothing had happened, no accident or near miss to cause anxiety, but driving meant she could accomplish tasks that needed doing, and that meant taking responsibility.

    From an early age any errands beyond the village fell to me. Soon that became errands in the village—going to the bank or getting the washing machine repaired, and soon, more and more tasks in the house.

    With every errand I ran, there were another two waiting.

    Even back then I could see Mum was looking for attention. She fell into being needy to be assured that she was loved. But no matter how often I told her I loved her, those words weren’t enough.

    When I left for university, it was to the closest campus to Mum, not to the best one for my future. And when I had to move further away from home to find work, the flood of requests never lessened. Moving out had felt callous enough, so I put up with the four-hour journey back and forth to home every few days without a word.

    My life was dealing with hers, from my late teens to early thirties. And I took it on, willingly out of love but also unwittingly out of ignorance.

    Hindsight really is a wonderful gift. After Mum passed away I looked back over so many years and saw that neither of us had lived our lives at all.

    I wish I’d had the courage to explain to her that me doing all that she asked wasn’t filling any holes in her life. That I was missing out on living mine, yet it was solving nothing in hers. That way we both could have blossomed.

    That is the most painful lesson I think I will ever learn.

    But oh boy, I now recognize when someone is asking for too much. I still understand that constant or unreasonable demands are borne of the other person’s struggles. But I’ve mastered the tenets of a healthy relationship—reasonable limits and mutual respect. Without those two things, it’s unhealthy, detrimental, even damaging.

    But saying no isn’t usually our happy place.

    Maybe you’ve tried to be assertive and drew back because it felt uncomfortable, unfamiliar.

    Take heart, you can seize your life back, and in many cases without confrontation.

    And even in cases where a little confrontation is unavoidable, maybe with a family member, there are ways to not freak out so you still have somewhere to go for the holidays.

    8 Ways To Take Your Life Back

    1. Make peace with them.

    When someone demands too much, it’s often a result of the fierceness of their own personal battles. If you try to put yourself in their shoes, in their head, sometimes you can reach an understanding that means your needs are still met and at the same time you feel that you’re not being selfish.

    Your elderly mother or granny may keep asking you to run errands for her, and it might seem that many of them are unnecessary or she could do them herself. But she may just be lonely and seeking company.

    If you can only find out what it is that’s eating her up inside, you may find a way to make peace with her and manage those demands sympathetically by offering a real solution, such as accompanying her to join a local friendship group… once or twice.

    2. Identify the threat.

    If someone tries to commandeer way too much of your time or energy in one go, then it’s easy to spot. However, they can also encroach upon your physical and mental resources little by little, almost imperceptibly.

    When they make a request, even a seemingly small one, pause before replying. Ask yourself, “If I say ‘yes’ to this, where might it lead in the future?” It’s always easier to say no to the first request than later on, when people have come to expect you to say yes routinely.

    If I’d been alert to Mum handing over tasks she could easily do, I could have helped support her in finding a way back into normal life without losing mine.

    3. Set up an early warning system.

    Identify your needs first. Work out which personal resources are critical to you achieving your physical and mental goals. Once you understand these, you can spot early on if someone is bombarding you with demands that will leave you low on reserves for your own life.

    If you have worked out you need an hour to yourself each day to recuperate, then if someone asks you to commit to something that would eat into that essential you-time, you can politely but firmly say “I’m sorry, but that’s my only time in the day to recharge, I’m sure you understand.”

    4. Secure your perimeter.

    Set up a mental and, if needed, physical barrier to attacks on your personal resources. If they cannot reach you, they can’t invade your life.

    Choose a separate ringtone for those demanding calls you need to leave unanswered. Put a sign on your bedroom or den door not to be disturbed. At work, be less available for unreasonable demands by leaving the building at lunchtime. For online intrusions, use social media blocking if you need to.

    Always being available not only makes it harder for you to say no, it gives exactly the wrong message to those making demands. Always being there actually says “Pick me, I’m right here waiting.”

    5. Think strategically.

    Learn to evaluate all requests. Think about the consequences down the road if you keep giving of your time, energy, and emotion. Are you getting anything back or is it just a one sided-game of take and take again? Not all requests need to be give and take, but on balance if you find yourself always giving and rarely, if ever, receiving, then it’s time to say no.

    In trying to help Mum, I gave her so much time and energy that she came to see it as expected. And finally she became reliant on me being available. If I’d looked ahead and set some limits, we both could have kept out independence and still enjoyed our relationship.

    6. Find your allies.

    If someone is forever expecting you to do their bidding, then it’s likely they are behaving this way to others you know, maybe family, friends, or co-workers. Get together and come up with a joint strategy for dealing with them and their persistent demands.

    By delivering a joint and consistent message, you will help the person making demands to see their behavior is universally unacceptable. You can also draw strength and comfort from united allies.

    Remember that though allies are helpful, they are far from essential. You can still communicate your own strong stance by choosing to confront an over-demanding person on your own. Just remember, be firm, be you.

    7. Stand your ground.

    Sometimes the only answer with people who are greedy for as much of you as they can grab is to face them head on and say no. Learning to stand up for yourself and refuse to bend to their will is essential to your self-esteem and self-preservation. There are many ways to say no without offending, although some people will take offense no matter what, so stand firm.

    Refuse to meet unreasonable demands by being honest but kind. However uncomfortable it might feel, you’ll walk away knowing you let them down gently and held onto your self-respect.

    8. Outmaneuver them.

    If someone persistently lays claim to your time, energy, and emotion, then try reversing the flow. Ask them for as much or more than they are asking of you. This makes it harder for them to justify their requests if they are not reciprocating in equal measure.

    If they are constantly asking you to run errands for them, ask them to run one for you. If they can’t for some reason, then request something that will take up an equal amount of their time. If they refuse, then ask, “But isn’t this the kind of thing you are asking me to do all the time? Do you think maybe it’s a little one-sided?”

    Again ask the question politely, quietly and in your own words. The idea is not to antagonize them, but to get them to look at their own behavior towards you. And of course, remember to give your elderly granny a little leeway!

    It’s Your Life—Take It Back

    Giving up your life for anyone isn’t noble unless they are incapacitated. It isn’t healthy. It absolutely isn’t necessary.

    Being the go-to person makes you the go-nowhere person. Your life is on hold, permanently.

    And if this sounds harsh, I’m sorry, but forever putting yourself second doesn’t help anyone.

    Aiding and abetting over-demanding behavior in others will never serve you or them. It will only perpetuate their own lack of self-reliance.

    If I’d said no to Mum, she would have had every chance of making a fantastic second go of her life.

    Don’t wait until hindsight tells you that you did it wrong.

    Take your life back right now.

    It’s your time.

  • 3 Times When I Wasn’t a Good Friend & How to Avoid My Mistakes

    3 Times When I Wasn’t a Good Friend & How to Avoid My Mistakes

    Friends forever

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

    In this current age of social media, it is easy to have large and wide social circles. I believe that the larger and wider these circles get, the shallower the friendships become.

    I’ve always been a person who is very selective when forging friendships. I think that has mostly stemmed from the fact that I value depth over breadth, and quality over quantity.

    For this reason, I have had a handful of friendships that have lasted through the test of time. But unfortunately, I have also had a few friendships that I have lost through my own thoughtlessness and complacency.

    Over my adult life, I can identify three times when I failed a very good friend. These times have stayed with me over the years, primarily because of the lessons that I learned from them. Sometimes the lesson was learned immediately; other times the lesson took years to have its full effect on me.

    I hope that by sharing these three stories and their related lessons, I may be able to help you avoid the mistakes I made so you won’t run the risk of damaging any of your most valued friendships.

    When I Ignored Her Needs

    When I was in college, my freshman roommate was a friend from high school. We thought it would be best to room with someone we already knew rather than a total stranger.

    By the end of our freshman year, we realized that we had less in common than we had thought and that it would be better to live separately, but still remain friends. As we both changed and grew over the next two years, we decided to live together again as seniors, and it really turned out to be the best rooming experience of all my four college years.

    During our senior year, we attended the wedding of a mutual friend. At that wedding, I met a man (one of the groomsmen, actually) and had a great time with him. He was from out of town, was going home in the morning, and I really didn’t want the evening to end.

    My friend and I had shared a taxi to the wedding and had planned on going home together. My plans, of course, had changed. I left her to her own devices, to flag down a taxi in a big city, in a part of town that she was not familiar with.

    I should also explain that my friend was not the most adventurous or experienced person I knew. That was part of why she made such a good, reliable roommate.

    I knew that she was very uncomfortable in the situation that I had created for her. But I didn’t care. I thought: “If things were reversed, I would understand. Why doesn’t she understand? What is the big deal anyway? It’s just a cab ride.”

    But to her it wasn’t just a cab ride, and I knew it. I just didn’t want to admit that I knew it. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t true because of my own selfish motives.

    In the end our friendship survived, but the long-distance relationship with the groomsman didn’t. He went back to his ex-girlfriend, and the friend that I had dumped for him comforted me through my heartbreak. She was a much better friend to me at that time than I had been to her.

    The lesson: I learned from this situation that it is so easy to be selfish and not even realize that you are doing it. When you are in the heat of the moment, and you don’t take time to step back and think before you act, you run the risk of letting your emotions get the best of your judgment.

    At that moment, all I thought about was my own interests and completely ignored the needs of my friend. I had no empathy for her, even though I was the one who was putting her in an unpleasant situation through my own selfish actions.

    I learned that true empathy involves understanding and respecting how the other person is feeling even if you would not feel the same way if you were in the same situation. Rather than acknowledging how my friend felt, I expected her to see things my way and to feel as I would have if the situation had been reversed.

    When I Gave in to Pressure

    When I was in my early twenties and living in California, a friend with whom I had remained close for more than ten years flew out from Washington DC to visit me.

    It was her first cross-country trip and a big deal to her. We had not seen each other in years and were both very excited about the visit.

    During the last night of her trip, she was watching TV in my living room when the person who shared my apartment picked up his guitar and started to play. She told him to be quiet because she couldn’t hear the TV. When he took his guitar and left the room, I didn’t think anything of it.

    But later that night he insisted that she had to leave because she had been disrespectful to him. I explained that it was her last night and she’d be gone in the morning. He refused to change his mind, and I gave in to his pressure.

    My friend was in shock, to say the least. She wasn’t even given a chance to apologize. I drove her to a nearby hotel and paid for her room.

    The next morning I took her to the airport, and, to her great credit, she didn’t blame me at all for what happened. I, on the other hand, felt terrible about my lack of conviction and inability to stand up for what I knew was right.

    She and I eventually lost touch over the next year. She never said so, but I suspect that event marked the beginning of the end of our friendship.

    The lesson: I learned that one bad decision can quickly ruin a friendship, especially if you don’t address it. Because my friend acted like she was fine, I preferred to just forget what happened. I thought that was easier than discussing it with her and reminding myself how ashamed I felt about my own behavior.

    I took the easy, immature, and selfish option of sweeping it under the rug. I really think that if I had acted differently and taken responsibility for my mistake, our friendship would have survived.

    When I Didn’t Want to Listen

    Last year I was having a conversation with an old friend. We’ve known each other for almost fifteen years and have shared many of the ups and downs of our lives with each other.

    During that conversation, I asked her if things were any better for her, as she’d just gone through a difficult and tumultuous couple of weeks. She said that things were better and she had not had any more thoughts of suicide.

    Her statement took me completely by surprise, so much so that I had no idea how to react to it.

    My immediate thought was that, as a friend, I couldn’t let a statement like that just slide by unaddressed. I had to say something, anything, in response, but I didn’t. I just acted like she hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary, even though she had never, ever said anything remotely close to that before.

    I later thought about why I hadn’t reacted. And the truth was embarrassingly selfish and simple: I simply was not in the mood to listen.

    I had asked her how she was doing out of politeness, not genuine concern or interest. That day, I was preoccupied and distracted with my own petty problems, and not present or engaged in the conversation. That day, I wasn’t a friend to her at all.

    The lesson: I learned that the true meaning of friendship is to be available and supportive even when it is difficult or unpleasant. That is part of the responsibility that comes along with being a friend.

    Anyone who has children knows that there are days when you don’t feel like doing what needs to be done, but you do it anyway. Similarly, as a true friend, you have to be present no matter what. A true friend doesn’t only provide help and support when it is convenient, but provides it every time that it is needed.

    These are the hard lessons that I have learned about friendship. Do you have any friendship lessons that you learned the hard way?

  • It’s Not Selfish to Do What’s Best for You

    It’s Not Selfish to Do What’s Best for You

    It's Not Selfish

    Source: Spirit Science

  • We Have to Love Ourselves Enough to Say No Sometimes

    We Have to Love Ourselves Enough to Say No Sometimes

    Hands in Heart Shape

    “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    I’m a people pleaser. I know so many of us are. We want to see everyone around us happy and do our best to make this happen. This can mean anything from being kind, to offering favors, to lending a helping hand, or simply just being there, being supportive.

    But, it can also mean not knowing how to say no, apologizing incessantly, spending money when we’d rather not, reaching beyond our emotional means, and stretching ourselves so thin we barely have any energy left over for ourselves.

    Disappointing the people we love is one of the worst feelings in the world. I know nothing makes me feel more despondent than realizing I have hurt or let someone down in any way. So I’m conscious of doing my best to give as much of myself as I can in the ways that matter most.

    There’s no better feeling than giving love to others. It makes us feel alive to share in a loving spirit with those around us. It creates feelings of happiness, gratitude, and affection when we see the ones we care about content.

    That’s a wonderful thing. Human connections and sharing love are two of the most essential experiences we can have in life.

    But so often we are so busy giving love to others, we forget to give love to ourselves.

    We hate the idea of denying people the things they want of us, but we don’t think twice when it comes to being honest about our wants and desires, and rejecting them in some way.

    One reason for this is the line of what we genuinely want to do gets blurred with the line of what we feel we should do or have to do. This can be harmful because eventually we may lose sight of what matters most to us.

    By not loving ourselves enough—or at all—we are actually self-sabotaging our lives. We aren’t giving ourselves the permission to live fully, live proudly, and live our destiny.

    I was recently talking to a friend who has spent her life giving all she has to everyone and everything around her—her parents, her husband, her children, her work. She neglected her passions and didn’t listen when the voice inside kept telling her to make different choices.

    Subduing her wants, her desires, and her dreams has taken an emotional toll on her, one that has forced her to make some serious changes.

    Now she’s at a turning point in her life, where she is finally trying to attend to her own needs too. This means going through a divorce, and raising teenagers on her own. It means changing careers, changing habits, and starting fresh.

    At times, she finds this new way of being difficult. She even confided she feels resentful toward the people closest to her because they still expect her to be a certain way since they don’t understand her new behaviors and choices. She’s struggling with finding that balance of being loving to others without losing herself again.

    Love matters. It might be the thing that matters most.

    But we must remember to start with loving ourselves first. We have to love ourselves enough to say no when necessary, to make time for the things that bring us joy, and to live the life we’re dreaming of.

    That certainly doesn’t mean being selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. Not at all. What it does suggest is being self-aware and doing self-check-ins.

    “Love yourself not in some egocentric, self-serving sense but love yourself the way you would love your friend in the sense of taking care of yourself, nourishing yourself, trying to understand, comfort, and strengthen yourself.” ~Frederick Buechner

    We have to love ourselves enough to know that sometimes being a little selfish can help us be more selfless.

    We must practice being kind and patient with ourselves so we can have that same feeling with others.

    We must realize the simple act of listening to our needs and wants, and acknowledging them in an authentic manner, can better help us be that way with the people around us.

    Putting it simply: giving love to ourselves first can help us give more love to others.

    We will be less drained and more energized. We will give in a loving spirit, not a bitter one.

    I gave my friend this same advice. After listening to her, I realized she is still not loving herself enough.

    She feels resentful because while she has made changes in her life, she still is not allowing herself that time and space to breathe and recharge her soul. She feels guilty over some of the changes she’s fought so hard for, instead of embracing and honoring them.

    I understand her struggle since self-love can feel selfish, but when done with the best of intentions for yourself and those around you, there’s nothing wrong with it. In fact, it’s necessary.

    Love can be the greatest gift we give. Love can uplift, inspire, give hope, and change someone’s entire life, including our own. So yes, spread love in as many ways as possible. Show people love in as many ways as you can.

    But in doing that, don’t forget to start with the most important person of all—yourself.

    Hands in heart shape image via Shutterstock

  • Friendly Reminder

    Friendly Reminder

    Friendly Reminder

    Source: Chibird

  • Why It’s Not Selfish to Ask Someone You Love for Help

    Why It’s Not Selfish to Ask Someone You Love for Help

    Two People

    “Learn to appreciate what you have before time makes you appreciate what you had.” ~Unknown

    I’m a woman in midlife who thought she was set after a long successful career and the promise of financial security. I supported my own way through most of my life, fending for myself and then my two children, even during a 15-year marriage that ended badly and another that never really began.

    For a number of reasons my plans for an early and secure retirement ended a few years ago. The long story is for another time; the short story is health, burnout, spiritual growth, reorganization…life.

    A few months later, my oldest daughter announced she was engaged. I wanted to do for her what I always had been able to—give her what she wants—but I was no longer able to. 

    Now the wedding is only weeks away and the final plans and payments are being secured. More than we expected of course, despite her diligent attention to adhering to a modest budget.

    “You don’t have to, but I was just wondering…if you can…can you send more money? If you can’t, it’s okay. We will spend our own money,” she requested by e-mail reluctantly.

    On the one hand, I wanted to just say, “Yes, of course,” no questions asked; on the other, I thought it was a perfect opportunity to draw boundaries and to not do more than I was able.

    But on the hand that holds my heart, she was my little girl about to get married, and I didn’t know how to say no. 

    But how could I say yes, with mounting medical bills, another year of tuition for my other daughter, and having found myself unemployed and unable to work for more than two years? 

    I had never done this before, but in a quizzical moment that felt something like an inspiration, I decided to call my parents.

    My parents struggled financially for most of their life, but in their senior years they found themselves able to live fairly comfortably on their fixed incomes, with some money in the bank.

    I had never asked them for help before, and at 54 years old—having taken care of my own needs without help my whole life—it felt like some sort of failure on my part to make this choice.

    But for the sake of my daughter, I had to.

    My Dad picked up the phone, as I had hoped he would, and my Mom was out, as I hoped she would be. Daddy’s little girl and all. A much easier appeal.

    At first I felt so bad having to ask my Dad for money. I didn’t ask for much, but for a man who never was able to give much, not much is a lot.  

    I cried, and he tried to soothe me, hardly able to stand his little girl crying. Only now his “little girl” is 54 and he’s 80.

    He’s starting to break down. Little things, I can tell. But still, we are father and daughter, you know?

    He didn’t hesitate. He said he wished he could have done more. He said, “You are my flesh and blood.”

    Then soon after, I stopped feeling bad. I think I actually started to believe I made him feel good. He got to be a hero today.  

    It’s still such a small gesture, but such a large one.

    After I got off the phone I saw it all differently. There was indeed some goodness that came from my shame of not working and not making my own money right now—a chance to let him shine, to help. In a small way but a big way at the same time.

    Suddenly, I felt glad that I’d asked, and that I hadn’t let my ego need to show up as strong and infallible outweigh my daughter’s need, my need, and my Dad’s (and Mom’s) willingness and ability to become a hero for our family.

    I’m glad he got to do it. I’m thinking he needed to, in a way. Something for him to leave of himself before he goes.

    This whole experience made me realize something else, which was even more profound. I’ve had my parents around for so long that I’ve been lulled into believing they always will be.

    I’m lucky and grateful to be this age and to still have my parents—both of them to call on, and even more so for them to be there for me.

    I have not given much thought to what it would be like to no longer have them, but this exchange gave me the opportunity to realize that I’m really going to miss them when they do pass on.

    It will be strange and empty and weird when there physical presence is no more. In their own way, they have always been there, no matter what.

    I think my Dad got to be a hero today. And my daughter gets to have the wedding she wants.  And in some indirect way, I got to give each of these to both of them.

    Give someone you love this chance if it comes up. Don’t view it as weak or vulnerable to allow someone to step into their light and glory, and to give of themselves in a way that makes them feel good.

    Photo by Thejas

  • Wanting to Feel Good and Look Good: Why Do We Do What We Do?

    Wanting to Feel Good and Look Good: Why Do We Do What We Do?

    Sun Goddess

    “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~Shakespeare

    Have you ever stopped to question why you do what you do? Or how it looks to other people?

    I’ve done this pretty much all through my life. In fact, an outsider might say that I’ve spent more time analyzing my place in the world than experiencing it.

    In some ways, this is true, and not uncommon for someone who’s chosen to be a writer.

    As a young child I used to silently mouth the words of what I’d just said after every sentence I uttered.

    Even as a kid, I felt this need to rethink my thoughts after speaking them, and because I was too young to realize it looked strange, I did this while moving my lips.

    I wondered why I’d said what I’d said, and how others might have heard it.

    This followed me through life, and later manifested in a desire to not only say the “right” thing, but also to do it.

    Never was this more important to me than in my mid-twenties, after I’d spent the majority of my adolescent and young adult life self-destructing and unintentionally hurting others—something that, I feared, confirmed that I was a bad, selfish person (ironically, the same fears that led me to self-destruct).

    I wanted so badly to be good. To do good. To look good. I imagined and hoped that this was the key to feeling good.

    I didn’t want to be selfish—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to be selfless.

    I didn’t want to crave so much attention—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to be humble.

    I didn’t want to be or be seen as manipulative—that was bad. So I concluded that I needed to prove that I had good intentions.

    In retrospect, I can see that these realizations and conclusions sparked my initial interest in the personal development industry six years back, and they informed how I did what I did. (more…)