Tiny Buddha

Tag: self-doubt

  • 7 Things to Realize When You Think You Don’t Matter

    7 Things to Realize When You Think You Don’t Matter

    Woman in a Ski Jacket

    “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz of Shiraz

    Have you ever felt like you didn’t matter?

    Were you ever held back from pursuing something because the voice in your head said, “Why bother?”

    You’re not alone.

    I once felt that way too, but I discovered a way out of that dark time.

    In my early twenties, fresh out of college, I had my first professional job interview. I had the blissful optimism and naiveté characteristic of most college grads seeing a world full of infinite possibilities.

    And although optimistic, I was understandably apprehensive because it was relatively difficult for a first-time interview.

    It consisted of the following:

    • An interview lasting one to two hours conducted by a panel of eight to ten people.
    • Answering questions in Spanish since being bilingual was a requirement.

    I prepared for a week and hoped for the best.

    In the beginning, the situation was quite unnerving with everyone watching and analyzing me, but then it got relatively easier. Yet, just when I started to feel somewhat comfortable, someone asked me a question in Spanish (my big weakness).

    I wasn’t confident speaking conversational Spanish, so when I answered the question, I completely choked, and my Spanish sounded like I was a toddler learning how to talk. All of a sudden one of the other interviewers belted out raucous laughter, and the humiliation poured over me like a waterfall.

    After ten seconds of awkward silence, the rest of the interview didn’t matter because I felt more insignificant than a speck of dust.

    And, not only did I not get the job, but the resulting humiliation also destroyed my self-worth and bruised my youthful, inexperienced ego.

    I didn’t bother interviewing for another job for almost a year.

    Not until I had some clarity one day looking into my daughter’s eyes did I realize how I had allowed someone to control my life like an invisible bully.

    I wanted to take back control, move on, and not live life feeling so small.

    I had to be strong for my daughter and regain my self-worth.

    I realized seven things we should remember when we think we don’t matter:

    1. We all have the same emotional pain points: insecurity, self-doubt, and fear of not belonging.

    As different as we all are outwardly, we feel the same emotional pain. Some of us hide it or mask it with anger, mean-spiritedness, and insensitivity, while a minority can clearly communicate that pain in a healthy way. In the end, we all want the comfort of belonging to a group and the feeling of sincere acceptance.

    Stop feeding your pain by comparing yourself with others.

    Whether it’s a lack of success in relationships, financial issues, or being insecure about your body, focus on the emotional indirect connection with others instead, and feel less alone by knowing you share this pain with everyone

    2. You were blessed with a “super power.”

    You may not know it, but you can do something so easily that you take it for granted. If you are unsure what that super power is, take the time to deeply reflect on the possibilities: intuitive, artistic, empathic, talented dancer or musician, skilled cook, caring, organized, etc.

    This is your super power or skill you are blessed with. No matter what you think, this blessing is significant, so recognize you have a gift, use it, and share it with the world.

    3. Confidence can be learned.

    You may think that people are born confident, but this isn’t true; confidence can be learned. It also can be rebuilt. For me, the difficult first step of doing another job interview began the process of rebuilding my confidence, and steadily my confidence grew with each interview I tackled afterward.

    Know it’s possible and don’t get shut down by the myth that you either have confidence or you don’t. Learning to be confident will test your comfort levels, but building confidence is a process that even the most timid can achieve.

    4. Look at low points in your life without self-judgment.

    Just like we take care of a physical injury, emotional pain also must be taken care of in deeply caring ways.

    The most important thing to do when you are at a low point in your life is don’t judge or self-blame. Punishing yourself by going through that mental loop of I deserve this, or I’m worthless is like walking on a broken leg; you won’t heal.

    Be gentle to yourself, give yourself time, and rebuild your strength—you’ll get through.

    5. Of all the voices in the world, the loudest and most insidious is your inner voice.

    The inner critic wants you to believe the lie that you must be perfect. Trying to be perfect all the time strips the joy out of life.

    If you don’t accomplish goals, don’t know what you want yet, and make numerous mistakes, that’s okay because life is about discovery.

    The only obligation you have is to be true to yourself. Don’t empower that inner critic by listening. Instead, drown out that voice by talking to yourself in more encouraging ways; you’ll live your life with more joy this way

    6. You don’t need to know what others think. In other words, nobody will please and be liked by everyone.

    Stop obsessing about what others think. You can’t control their thoughts because it isn’t within your control. So let go of that forever.

    Free yourself and know that you can’t possibly please everyone. The greatest creators, dreamers, and innovators faced the worse kind of adversity and were hated by many people. Just be the real you and nothing more.

    Don’t allow others to validate your worth; all you need to know is you are doing the best that you can do, and that’s enough.

    Throughout your life, gather the ideas, thoughts, and opinions of others, but always look within and live your truth. We all want acceptance, but if you never live your truth, you will always be imprisoned by other people’s opinions.

    7. Rejection is not failure; it means something better that you deserve is coming.

    That rejection by a love interest or that HR Manager for the job opportunity you really wanted is not a failure. You are simply in the process of getting what you deserve and what is right for you.

    The doors that slam in your face may be many, but soon you’ll realize they were secret blessings that you will look back on fondly. When people say, “No,” keep trying and eventually you’ll find that one proverbial door that will finally be the one meant just for you.

    Rejection is better than doing nothing because you’re at least trying and building momentum, regardless of how crappy you may feel.

    If you want something, momentum begins when you take the first step, even if it is the tiniest step.

    Make Your Inner Light Burn Brighter

    Regardless of all the curveballs that life throws at you, know that you completely matter.

    You may feel your self-worth has been lost, but don’t lose hope.

    Focus on what connects you with others (both flaws and strengths), embrace your superpower and not your weaknesses, strengthen your confidence one step at a time, and be empowered to accomplish your dreams.

    Know that everyone endures the ebb and flow of life in different ways.

    Before you know it, the bounce will return to your step, and your confidence will radiate the room.

    It’s only a matter of time.

    Let me know which of these points you’ll embrace today.

    Woman in a ski jacket image via Shutterstock

  • 8 Secrets To Developing Confidence (So Self-Doubt Never Sabotages You Again)

    8 Secrets To Developing Confidence (So Self-Doubt Never Sabotages You Again)

    “What you think of yourself is much more important than what people think of you.” ~Seneca

    I can still remember it like it happened yesterday.

    There I was. Ten years old. It was my first day back at school.

    I walked past the enormous church that marked the entrance of the school compound. I passed under this huge tree as it towered over me. I was in a crowd of other screaming school kids. They laughed and cackled loudly.

    Me?

    I just felt overwhelmed.

    See, I was always an anxious kid. Scared. Worried that I hadn’t done my homework properly. Terrified I’d be punished. That was the world I lived in.

    For many years, my fears tainted my vision like prison bars that impose a life sentence on inmates who have long forgotten the bars even exist.

    As I reached adolescence, my fears manifested as a series of failures. My unshakeable belief in my ineptitude stopped me from truly trying to succeed. Unwittingly, I was conforming to a self-fulfilling prophecy I’d set for myself.

    Many years later, I married an amazing woman who truly believed in me—often when I didn’t believe in myself. Her confidence in my abilities forced me to re-examine my limiting beliefs.

    She’d repeatedly tell me that I could achieve my goals, provided I put in the effort.

    Eventually, I did.

    That was over ten years ago. Today, I’m a confident man who stands tall and is comfortable in his own skin.

    You can develop this confidence too.

    Here are the eight secrets to confidence I learned along the way.

    1. Let the dancer become the dance.

    Do you ever feel disconnected from what you’re doing because of that little voice telling you you’re not good enough?

    Does your mental chatter derail your sincere efforts? If so, you’re not alone. We all experience this from time to time.

    The solution?

    Make a decision to lose yourself completely in your work. Get so absorbed in it that you enter a state of flow. Let the dancer become the dance.

    When the dancer becomes the dance, there is no dancer, and therefore no one to suffer from lack of confidence.

    There’s just the dance. The flow.

    2. Choose an emotional state of success.

    Building self-efficacy is a great way to develop confidence.

    Reflect on your past successes. They don’t have to be related to what you’re trying to achieve right now. They just have to be your successes.

    The point here is to reconnect with those feelings and emotions. They’ll set you up for success in your current endeavor.

    When I face self-doubt as a writer, I quietly reflect on the feeling of success I experienced when my mentor (Jon Morrow) sent me an email saying he was proud of me.

    I often go back to that email to reconnect with the feeling of success it evokes. Seeing this evidence of my abilities as a writer drives away the self-doubt every single time.

    3. Empower yourself with visualizations.

    Visualizing yourself succeeding is another powerful approach.

    Have you watched an elite athlete just before a hundred-meter sprint? She looks intensely at the finish line and visualizes herself sprinting down the track faster than anybody else in the field.

    In fact, she’s visualized herself winning the race hundreds and thousands of times to prepare. That’s how she prepares to give her very best over those hundred meters.

    Repeatedly visualizing success can actually rewire your brain. It creates positive neural pathways that restore the natural confidence you had as a child.

    Not only does this stop you from thinking negative thoughts, but it actually replaces negative thinking with (confidence boosting) positive images.

    4. Use your past failures to vanquish self-doubt.

    A large amount of self-doubt arises from our past failures. Each time we fail at something, we develop self-limiting beliefs, which get embedded in our psyche and our thinking.

    Fortunately, we can use these past failures—think the trail of breadcrumbs in the story Hansel and Gretel—to lead us back to these self-limiting beliefs. And once they’re out in the open, we can then challenge them.

    Imagine this: You have this belief that you’re no good at athletics. Maybe the seeds were sown when you did poorly in track and field in high school. And since then you’ve always made a halfhearted effort at athletics because you thought, “Why bother? I’m no good at athletics anyway.”

    See the (self-defeating) belief here? That (one) poor performance early in life created a belief that you’re not good at athletics. And that belief led to a halfhearted approach, which in turn stopped you from getting good at athletics.

    See the vicious cycle?

    Challenge that belief that you’re no good at athletics, and you stop making a halfhearted effort. And that’s how you get good and break out of the cycle.

    Here’s the thing: The past is not a predictor of your future performance, if you make a conscious effort to improve.

    So, examine your past failures and use them to challenge your self-limiting beliefs.

    It’ll do wonders for your confidence!

    5. Edit those sentences in your head.

    Do you think in sentences? Most of us do.

    Imagine this. You’re about to give a talk to a roomful of people.

    If you lacked confidence, the sentences in your head would sound something like this: “Ummm…. Hopefully this talk will be okay. I think I’ll be fine. But what if I crash and burn? No I’ll be okay. Geez I hope I’ll be okay.”

    Do you see the vacillation in that self-talk? One second you’re thinking you’ll be okay and the next second you’re terrified that you’ll crash and burn.

    The good news?

    All you need to do is edit the sentences in your head.

    The sentences you want to hear in your head sound something like this: “This talk is going to go well. Sure, it won’t be perfect. Nothing ever is. But I’m going to absolutely enjoy this and I’ll successfully get my message across.”

    Notice the words absolutely and successfully?

    See the tone in those sentences? There’s no vacillation.

    It’s almost as if you made a decision to be successful. And that’s reflected in your self-talk.

    Of course, this isn’t going to happen overnight. Like anything, it takes conscious effort and consistent practice.

    Is it worth the effort?

    You bet.

    6. Train your body to manipulate your mind.

    Think of the times when you felt a bit low. Most likely, you were slouching, your breath was shallow, and you were staring at the ground.

    Guess what?

    You can use your body language to build your confidence. You get your body to fake it till your mind makes it. The body informs the mind about how to feel, as much as the mind influences the body.

    Start with your posture. Stand tall.

    Breathe deeply.

    Speak purposefully and slowly.

    And then watch the magic happen.

    Don’t believe me? Try it.

    7. Cultivate a positive opinion of yourself and learn to value it over others’.

    We all look to authority figures for approval during our developmental years. In fact, this feedback is essential for our social development.

    But as you grow older and gather life experiences, you must scale this back.

    Now, I’m not suggesting other people’s opinions don’t matter, they do—up to a point.

    You’ve got to recognize that we all have unfounded prejudices based on our individual life experiences—this includes those authority figures.

    It’s one thing to learn from constructive criticism and use it to better yourself.

    But, to get overwhelmed by others’ opinions of you? That’s an unskillful approach.

    There is no expert on you.

    Instead, work on cultivating a positive opinion of yourself.

    Here’s a great way to start. Next time you feel undermined by someone’s opinion of you, make a conscious choice not to get overwhelmed. Take on what’s constructive and discard the rest.

    Now here’s the important part.

    Ready?

    Bring your attention back to your own opinion of yourself. Understand that your opinion of yourself matters as much as anyone else’s because you know yourself better than anyone.

    There’s no reason to be overwhelmed by others’ opinions of you.

    8. Use external stimuli to leverage your way to confidence.

    What’s your favorite song that truly gets you going?

    Several athletes listen to music just before a race to put themselves into a certain state (of confidence) just before a race so they can perform at their best. They get in the zone.

    Another great way to get in the zone is to use external stimuli. Hold a trophy or a certificate of achievement that you may have won in the past.

    Physically connecting with a tangible memento of past successes is a great way to send a concrete message of success to your mind.

    You’ve got this.

    It’s never easy to get started on a new path. But once you develop the habit of confidence, you’ll never look back.

    See, we all have our own vulnerable inner child that feels overwhelmed like I did on my first day of school.

    But over time, I learned to embrace that inner child, acknowledge his fears, and then make a conscious choice not to get overwhelmed. Much like a father reassures his son.

    And I can honestly say I’ve never felt stronger.

    You, too, can acknowledge your inner child’s fears and comfort him or her with love and acceptance.

    And before long, you’ll be the confident person you were always meant to be. Self-doubt will never darken your (mental) doorway again.

  • Why You Don’t Need to Eliminate Self-Doubt and Fear

    Why You Don’t Need to Eliminate Self-Doubt and Fear

    Man at sunset

    “The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.” ~Unknown

    Self-doubt has been a companion that has followed me around like a trained dog follows his master. Every step I’ve made outside of my comfort zone, it’s been there, right beside me.

    Moving from Germany to England to attend high school, I was full of high hopes and aspirations. But despite my intensive English course and hard work, I could hardly understand anyone in the first few weeks.

    Feeling left high and dry by my so-called “English skills,” I started feeling shy and nervous. My German accent made me sound different, and doubtful thoughts like “Can I ever cope here?” and “Do I belong?” entered my head.

    Whatever it is that you want to accomplish, should that be starting a new chapter in your life like I did, doing creative work, or changing your career, self-doubt and fear can creep up.

    The problems start when fear and self-doubt take over, when they stop you from doing what you once loved to do or from taking the actions you know you need to take to move ahead. This kept me wondering: What’s the right way to deal with self-doubt and fear?

    Entering the War

    I was taken over by society’s notion that self-doubt and fear were bad things that I urgently needed to eliminate.

    At the beginning of high school, I avoided interacting in class and kept away from meeting new people to calm down my fear.

    Today, I see I was simply running away from these difficult feelings and thoughts. I did everything to avoid being in the horrible situation of having to repeat myself because the person I talked with didn’t understand what I was saying.

    But trying to avoid difficult feelings and thoughts can become a trap, if we start constructing our life in a way that allows us to avoid them instead of constructing our life around our desires and dreams.

    What’s known as “experiential avoidance” can take over our lives.

    For me, avoiding uncomfortable feelings meant avoiding fun opportunities such as being part of certain sport teams or going out with friends. By avoiding situations that could bring discomfort, I enormously reduced the amounts of joy and fun that I could have had.

    But who says we need to eliminate or run away from our feelings and thoughts?

    Eckhart Tolle wrote, “Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists.”

    So, what if we could stop striving for elimination and learn to accept self-doubt and fear as our companions? If we let the dog be where it wants to be?

    Diving deeper into the philosophy of ACT (acceptance & commitment therapy), I discovered that there was an alternative way to deal with self-doubt and fear: the path of acceptance.

    The 3-Step Process to Deal with Self-Doubt and Fear

    Self-doubt and fear are normal human reactions that we all experience, no matter how “far ahead” or successful we already are. So, why we are still surprised when they show up? Here are three steps that I wish I knew back in high school.

    1. Witness.

    Become aware of what’s going on inside of you; witness the voice inside your head when it speaks from a place of fear and doubt. What is that voice saying?

    The majority of your daily thoughts are repetitive. Sometimes your mind just tells you different versions of the same old story.

    Observe your thoughts and feelings. Witness when you’re playing your “self-doubt story.” Like an internal observer, simply watch and notice in a loving and self-caring manner, without harshly criticizing yourself for anything that shows up.

    2. Accept.

    Accepting means allowing your fear and doubt to be within you, to give them room, and not try to escape them. Whatever thoughts and feelings come up inside of you, start to be okay with them.

    Stop resisting what you feel and think, and soon you’ll develop the capacity to hold your difficult feelings and thoughts inside you.

    As Russ Harris, author of the bestselling book The Happiness Trap wrote: “Your capacity to accept pain directly related to your long-term happiness level.” Because anything that matters to us comes with a whole range of difficult thoughts and emotions. Avoidance is not the answer.

    Despite them being painful, they are not the problem; your reaction to them is. Problems arise when you try to get rid of or control your self-doubt and fear.

    Today, I’m still sometimes in the situation where people don’t understand my English or I don’t understand what they are going on about. But I accept that’s just the price I pay for talking in a language that’s not my native one.

    When you start accepting how you feel and think in any given moment, you start noticing that feelings and thoughts are just like clouds in the sky—they are merely passing by.

    Also, become aware of the urges that may come up to escape or eliminate this fear or doubt. Simply notice the urge, hold it inside you, and realize you don’t need to act on it.

    Whenever I feel the urge to not talk to someone or not take part in something, I try and catch myself and act on what I truly desire: making meaningful connections and enjoying life to the fullest.

    3. Shift your attention.

    Your mind isa past-future based machine designed to keep you alive and alert of dangers. Your doubt and fear are there to keep you within your comfort zone and, therefore, safe.

    So, whenever unhelpful thoughts enter your head, thank your mind for doing its job. It is just trying to keep you safe! Next, shift your attention back to the activity in hand.

    I had to learn to shift my focus away from worrying and hoping that I did not have to repeat myself to focusing on the actual interaction and on what I wanted to say.

    Venerable Wuling, author of Path to Peace, wrote,  “In a task, we can control the effort but not the outcome.”

    So, let go of the need to control it, because you can’t. I can’t control if my counterpart understands what I am saying. But I can control how well I articulate myself.

    When you cling onto the idea of how something should turn out or should come across, you create stress and fear. Have an intention of what you want to do and achieve, but stay open to the actual and maybe even different outcome.

    Today, I believe acceptance is the best way to deal with fears and doubts—to witness and not resist what’s showing up inside and instead shift focus back to the task at hand.

    What’s your experience with doubt and fear?

    Man at sunset image via Shutterstock

  • 5 Tips to Stop Making Comparisons and Feeling Bad About Yourself

    5 Tips to Stop Making Comparisons and Feeling Bad About Yourself

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

    I remember one day when I was around six years old, my older brother came home from school with one of those star-shaped highlighters that had a different color on each point. I laid my eyes on it and in that moment I wanted nothing more than I wanted that highlighter.

    It didn’t matter that as a six year old, I had less use for it than paper shoes in rainy weather; I just simply had to have it.

    Being the loudmouth child that I was, with a scream my mum only describes as “hell-breaking loose,” I fought (cried) tooth and nail for that highlighter until my father made my brother give it to me.

    I scribbled an obscure masterpiece of color for a solid five minutes—until my pupils dilated at the new pencil case my brother had pulled out of his school-bag. It’s safe to say my brother sure didn’t like my company for a while. Anything he had, I wanted.

    This wasn’t just an innocent childish trait. It seemed to follow me as I grew a little older too. I found myself wanting many things other people had.

    It didn’t have to be tangible. In fact, most of the time it was a character trait, a skill, or even academic ability. I always wanted something somebody else had.

    The problem was that it was no longer a case of just wanting the highlighter; I was putting myself down and getting frustrated at why I wasn’t given one, or why I wasn’t capable enough to get my own.

    The self-doubt questions start seeping in: Am I good enough? Why can’t I do this or have that? Am I ever going to achieve the things others seem to so easily? Why is it so hard for me to be happy and easy for everybody else?

    The thing with comparing ourselves to others is that it’s something every one of us does, or at least has done in the past.

    Remember coming home with a 95% on an exam? One of the first things our parents would ask is (second to “what happened to the other 5%?”): “How did everybody else in your class do on the test?”

    It seemed like it didn’t matter that we had gotten an A+, not if everybody else did too.

    It is always a comparison. In fact, education boards compare schools, teachers compare students, and employers compare interviewees. It’s just how the world works. It’s inevitable that we will learn to compare.

    At an individual level, we might attend parties or ten-year high school reunions and analyze in fine detail what successes everybody has achieved in their lives, and our drive home consists of brooding, trying to pinpoint where it all went wrong for us.

    If that wasn’t bad enough, enter: Facebook. Correction, social media as a whole has taken the lead in creating an online universal medium for comparisons all day every day!

    Now we know instantly when our friends are lying on a sandy white beach while we’re slaving away at a nine to five, which we have probably loathed for eight years.

    We see our friends getting married, and we can’t help but think about why we haven’t settled down yet. Our Facebook News Feed is filled with photos of couples with their first new-born, and we ask ourselves if we’ve missed our chance at having a family.

    We need to remember that on the outside, things may seem a certain way, but it’s almost always inaccurate. And that leaves our comparisons with very little basis.

    We’ve heard the phrase “Everyone’s fighting their own battle.” I had a friend once tell me that, on the outside, I looked like I lived a princess lifestyle. Princess!

    Apparently, I always had a smile on my face. I joked around, and seemed as though I hadn’t a single worry in the world. After she got to know more about me, she said she would never have guessed I had the problems I was actually dealing with at the time.

    Personally, I don’t recall having a particular incident happen to me that prompted a change. Perhaps it was just my gradual disinterest in other people’s lives and a heightened interest to focus on my own.

    But I realized there was zero benefit from comparing myself to others. Emotionally, it would only bring me down, and mentally, it immobilized me. No progression occurs at a standstill like that.

    Whether it’s something innate that we develop as kids, or something we’ve learned from the nature of our society today, we compare. And although logically we know comparisons are no good for us, we still can’t help doing it.

    So how do we actually stop?

    1. Appreciate what you do have.

    I realized it had never crossed my mind that perhaps someone out there could be looking at me, wishing for something that I had. When you’re lost in a world of comparisons, your focus is always outward, analyzing others. You forget that you already have a million and one things to be forever grateful for.

    2. It’s not a fair game.

    As our man Einstein says, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

    We’re all different, we see things differently, we’ve all had different experiences and come from different backgrounds. So comparing ourselves to others is synonymous to comparing a fish to a monkey.

    3. Things aren’t always what they seem.

    For some odd reason, we tend to make up our own judgments on people just on the way they look on the outside. You may look at two people working at the same firm, judge them both, and wish to have their position, but what you don’t know is while one may have got the job through his father’s connections, the other had worked twenty years at the bottom of the gutter to get where he is now.

    4. If you must compare, compare to yourself.

    Some people use comparisons and convert it into motivation. And for those who can do that, go for it. It’s definitely a positive spin; perhaps seeing someone’s success drives you to do the same.

    I often use this one, but I also believe that the best person to compare yourself to is you. Compare the present you to the past you. It’s a much fairer scale and a sure way to progression and peace of mind.

    5. Accept what you can’t change and change what you can’t accept.

    Leading on from the last tip, change the things you want to and when you have, compare back to yourself and see how much you changed for the better. And with the things you can’t change, accept that it was how you are supposed to be—own it, live it, love it.

    If you want to take one thing from this post, take my favorite: The only person you should be comparing yourself to is the person you were yesterday.

  • When Your Inner Critic Stifles Your Creativity: 4 Helpful Truths

    When Your Inner Critic Stifles Your Creativity: 4 Helpful Truths

    painting

    “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” ~Steve Furtick

    We live in an artistically enriched country. The world is already full of all kinds of music, so much art, and so many books. With the Internet, you can experience art’s many forms at the click of a mouse.

    In my heart, I am an artist. Ever since I was a young girl, I have loved creating artwork. Writing stories, drawing illustrations, playing the piano, painting, sculpting…

    The unfortunate thing is that I am paralyzed—not in the medical sense. I have working limbs, imagination, training, experience, and the resources to “actualize my potential” as an artist. The thing I lack is confidence.

    I am crippled by my own self-doubt.

    When I was young, I didn’t seem to care about what other people thought. But the older I get, the more apprehensive I become. My fear of failure is greater than my fear of never creating anything ever again.

    All artists, to some extent, have a very tough self-standard. The fear of falling short of your expectations can easily prevent you to create, particularly if you lack confidence.

    Each time I see a beautiful painting, hear a moving song, come face to face with a realistic sculpture, or read an inspiring autobiography, I become immobilized. Instead of being stimulated by what I see, I get discouraged, and I am way less likely to create anything on my own. “The world doesn’t need anything else,” I think, “because it already has those.”

    “What do I have to offer to the world? Why would anyone want to hear my voice? What original, unique art can I possibly create that doesn’t already exist? I might as well give up…”

    I think this negativity comes from the bad habit of listening to my “inner critic” instead of focusing on “reality.”

    If I let the pessimistic thoughts of my inner critic control my life, then I would never become the artist I want to be. My inner critic loves to put down my individuality and threaten me with failure. I’ve come to the conclusion that my inner critic doesn’t want me to succeed.

    With that powerful information, each time I am tempted to belittle my individuality, I remember these four encouraging truths:

    1. I am me, and there is no one else who is me. No one else can create what I can create.

    2. Having courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. Having courage is taking action in spite of being afraid.

    3. Your imperfections are part of who you are and part of what makes you beautiful. Be proud of being you, even with all your flaws and failures.

    4. If you fail, so what! If you create art for the world, you will never be satisfied. Create art for yourself.

    I often repeat these things to myself when I am doubtful, when my inner critic is running the show and ruining my life.

    Becoming an individual artist can be very scary, especially if you have been paralyzed by fear for a long time. It’s comfortable to go along with the flow, to conform to the culture, and to continue on in the old ruts in road.

    However, there is extraordinary life beyond the paved road. There is a giant wood, a great green meadow, an infinite horizon, and countless things to explore. If you always live your life according to the norm, then you will be missing out.

    Life changing advice: You don’t have to believe what your inner critic tells you.

    Do you have the strength to swim against the flow, to be an individual, to create your own art? Maybe not right this moment, you think, but there is something you can do to help yourself out. You can retrain your thoughts and learn to control your inner critic to allow reality have a rightful place in your life.

    If I am experiencing an artist’s block, when I realize my inner critic has taken control, I take out a piece of paper and make two columns.

    One reads “inner critic,” and the other reads “reality.” Underneath each header, I make lists (kind of like a pros and cons sheet), distinguishing one thought from the other.

    One way to help determine which category to put your thoughts in is to listen to the tone of the thought’s voice (how you talk to yourself). If the tone is anxious, nervous, babbling, stereotypical, and offers you no way out, then it is your “inner critic.” If the tone is optimistic, unemotional, constructive, and practical then it is “realistic.”

    Below is an example of a recent list I made while having trouble finishing a painting:

    Inner Critic

    • You can’t do it; you are a “nobody.”
    • What if you make a mistake? No one will like you if you produce bad art.
    • You will never be famous. You’re ugly and fat; ugly and fat people cannot produce good art.
    • Artists are irresponsible. The world hates artists.

    Reality

    • I have artistic talent.
    • Sometimes I let perfect get in the way of good.
    • Most days I enjoy creating art.
    • I am loved no matter what I do, even if I am not perfect.
    • No else can be me; therefore, no one else can create what I can create.

    This mental exercise will take practice, but over time, you will begin to see positive results in your life and your creativity.

    At first, it will be difficult to distinguish your self-critic from reality, especially if you have obeyed your fears for a long time. If you try it, I guarantee that you will begin to enjoy a more nourishing, creatively enriched life in the process.

    I have been utilizing this practice for a while now. After the first few months, I didn’t have to make physical lists anymore; I could separate the thoughts in my head. Even though, I am still a long way off from where I want to be, I am a lot closer to my goal than I was before.

    What are some of your hurdles as an apprehensive artist? How do you overcome your obstacles?

    Photo by TinyTall