Tiny Buddha

Tag: self-compassion

  • A Simple Practice to Prevent Binge Eating and Boost Your Happiness

    A Simple Practice to Prevent Binge Eating and Boost Your Happiness

    “Be nice to yourself. It’s hard to be happy when someone is mean to you all the time.” ~Christine Arylo

    When the alarm went off, the haze of a dream dissolved into the memory of yesterday’s failure. My stomach was still full from last night’s binge, and I was utterly disgusted with myself.

    How could I have blown it again? What was wrong with me?

    I grabbed a notepad and pen and resolved that today would be different. Today I would stick to my diet!

    As I had every day for the previous several weeks, I made a list of every single thing I would allow myself to put into my mouth that day, and its exact calorie count.

    The fact that this totaled up to starvation rations was, to my adolescent mind, perfectly sensible. I had to starve myself.

    Until I reached the (utterly arbitrary) “optimal” number on the scale, I would never be acceptable. Lovable. Enough.

    Or so I thought. The fact that my body was already a healthy weight had nothing to do with it.

    But this day, like all the days before, did not go as planned.

    By the first break period, hunger veered me from my rigid diet and I bought a cup of raisins and peanuts—a “forbidden” snack that took me well over my daily calorie allowance. Then, furious at myself for blowing it, I sought comfort by gorging myself on the very thing I was impossibly trying to avoid: food.

    Day after day it was the same vicious cycle: impose crazy-strict limits, fail to follow them, beat myself up, numb out by binge eating, beat myself up even more.

    Then, in disgust and desperation, I’d lock myself in the bathroom and secretly throw up.

    All of which, of course, only made me feel worse about myself, so I’d impose even stricter limits, which were, of course, even more impossible to stick to.

    This pattern of shame cycled on and off for close to a decade.

    Sometimes it was worse, sometimes better. I had periods when my eating was relatively normal, but for a long time I believed that, like a recovering alcoholic, I’d never be entirely free from the danger of backsliding. “Once a bulimic, always a bulimic,” I often said.

    Over my years of healing, though, I was pleased to discover that I was wrong.

    It didn’t happen overnight, but I’m living proof that it is possible to break free from binge eating behavior.

    I could tell you all the things that helped me in my journey toward health. For example:

    • The attention of my first boyfriend, who made me feel attractive and loved.
    • Giving away all my “skinny” clothes and buying a new wardrobe of clothes that actually fit and made me feel attractive.
    • Studying Feminist theory and learning how my self-concept was programmed and poisoned by a sexist status quo and powerful Capitalist institutions, which greatly benefit when women focus our energies on changing our bodies, rather than changing the world.
    • Experiencing my boyfriend’s family’s attitude of abundance around food, which made me realize that my own family had an attitude of scarcity that exacerbated my dysfunctional eating. (Better eat those brownies now, because there won’t be any more when these are gone!)
    • Eliminating all restrictions and rules around which foods were “allowed” and which “forbidden,” and in what portion sizes. (Restrictions don’t work, because it’s human nature to always crave what’s forbidden!)

    When I looked back from decades later, a pattern emerged. Underlying all of these influences was the simple concept of self-compassion.

    Acknowledging that I’m human, allowing myself to be imperfect, treating myself kindly and gently when I stumble—this, I have learned, is a foundational practice not just for healthy eating, but for living a happy life.

    When I let go of my rigid food rules, and when I ceased to beat myself up for “blowing it,” there was nothing for me to rebel against.

    And when I gave myself permission to be human and imperfect, there was no need to beat myself up anymore.

    It turns out the tendency to over-consume after a small stumble is a well-documented phenomenon.

    The actual scientific term for it is the “What the Hell Effect,” as in, “Oops… I’m trying to quit smoking, but I just took a puff from a friend’s cigarette. What the hell, I might as well smoke the entire pack…”

    Since beating ourselves up seems to invariably lead to the “What the Hell Effect,” a group of researchers wondered whether self-compassion might act as an antidote, and decided to test their theory.

    One study brought women dieters into a lab, one at a time, ostensibly to taste test candies.

    In fact, they were studying the effects of self-compassion on binge eating, but they didn’t tell the women this.

    Upon entering the lab, a researcher wearing a white lab coat (signaling authority) presented each subject with a tray of donuts, and instructed her to pick her favorite kind and eat it (thus blowing her diet!) Then the researcher handed her a full glass of water and asked her to drink it all, so she’d feel uncomfortably full, and hence very aware that she’d blown it.

    Next the researcher showed the woman into a room with several bowls of different kinds of candy, handed her a clipboard and pen in order to rate them, and told her she could eat as much as she wanted.

    What the women in the study didn’t know is that the candies had been carefully weighed in advance. In fact, the scientists threw out the rating sheets—what they were really interested in was how much candy the women ate.

    Here’s where things got really interesting. The only difference between the control group and the experiment group was that before letting the experiment group into the “candy tasting” room, the researchers gave these women a very small self-compassion intervention, which went something like this:

    “You know, we’ve noticed that a lot of women feel really badly about eating the donut. We wanted to remind you that first, you did it for science, and second, everyone blows their diet sometimes. So don’t be too hard on yourself.”

    It seems like such a small thing, but guess what? That tiny intervention made a very big difference. The women who were told not to be too hard on themselves ate almost one third the amount of candy as the control group women!

    This mirrors exactly my own experience with binge eating: When I was finally able to forgive myself, remind myself that I’m human, and treat myself kindly, the bulimic behavior simply dissolved.

    Dr. Kristen Neff, the world’s foremost researcher on self-compassion and author of Self-Compassion, defines self-compassion as being composed of three elements:

    1. Mindfulness (noticing that you’re feeling badly, as if observing yourself from the outside)
    1. Common humanity (recognizing that stumbling, personal inadequacy, and suffering are part of the shared human experience, not your personal pathology)
    1. Self-kindness (being gentle and loving with yourself, as you would a beloved friend)

    Like so much else in life, self-compassion is a practice. Most of us were not trained to be self-compassionate as children, but thankfully, we can learn to do so as adults.

    We can even use self-compassion when we stumble in our efforts at self-compassion!

    In my own life, this simple practice has been life-changing. Not only do I have the healthiest relationship with food of any woman I know, but I’ve learned to allow myself to be human in every other area of my life as well, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

    I wish I could go back and give my seventeen-year-old self a self-compassion intervention—it might have saved me decades of misery.

    Of course I can’t go back in time, but I can share what I’ve learned with you. I hope it helps you as much as it helps me.

    What’s something you’ve been frustrated with yourself about this week? Can you try practicing self-compassion with that? If it were your dearest friend, instead of you, how would you respond to her? Try turning that kind and loving voice on yourself and see what happens. And remember, practicing self-compassion takes practice, so if it’s hard for you, be self-compassionate!

  • 5 Steps to Coming Back To Life After Hitting Rock Bottom

    5 Steps to Coming Back To Life After Hitting Rock Bottom

    Reborn

    “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Nelson Mandela

    Living through the past several years of my life has been a humbling experience. I guess I shouldn’t say I lived through those years. I existed.

    Through those years, life threw me punch after punch. I suffered through public shaming and online bullying, was crippled for six months with devastating anxiety and depression, gained fifty pounds, lost a lucrative job, and saw my marriage crumble before my eyes.

    I hit rock bottom, and I hit it hard.

    The thing is, nobody ever tells you how to deal with extreme failure in life. I had no idea what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. My family knew I needed help, but I knew nobody could pull me out of this tailspin.

    I had to do it myself.

    Unfortunately, for four full years I did nothing. I let the punches hit me time and time again until I actually felt numb to them. I did the worst thing you could do; I came to expect the failures, and with that expectation I kept failing.

    It wasn’t until recently that I started to wake up from the fog and realize that I had to take back my life. I did just that by going through the following five steps.

    1. Feel the pain.

    After the public shaming and online bullying, I took Xanax to cope. If you know anything about Xanax you know it numbs your feelings so you don’t have to feel them. At the time it was honestly a life saver, but I began to use it as a crutch even when the anxiety started to fade.

    One day I finally quit the Xanax cold turkey just to see what would happen, and you know what? I lived. The drugged fog was gone and I started to feel life again.

    Now, I’m not saying you should quit your medicine if it’s medically necessary. For me it was for a while, but once I could stand on my own I had to let it go in order to jump back into life. I immediately felt all the feelings I’d been hiding, from extreme vulnerability, to fear, to frustration and anger.

    I was slammed with these feelings, and they swirled around me like bees ready to sting. But I knew they were honest and true and that somehow if I felt them and let them be heard, they’d go away in time.

    And they did. For the most part. I still feel them every once in a while, but once I felt them fully, it’s as if they knew they had done their job and then left me alone.

    Their job was to wake me up to something more, to a new path, and that’s just what they did.

    2. Practice self-compassion.

    After I gave myself permission to feel and face the pain, I now had to make peace with and accept what had happened to me. The one way I did this was by practicing self-compassion. This has nothing to do with increasing your self-esteem, by the way.

    In her TED Talk titled “The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion,” Kristin Neff explains that self-esteem can be detrimental, because it’s a judgment of whether you are a good or bad person in comparison to others. It creates a narcissistic attitude.

    Self-compassion is very different from self-esteem, as it creates a compassionate attitude through relating to ourselves kindly, embracing ourselves as we are, flaws and all.

    But, how was I supposed to move in to a space of relating to myself kindly when I’d gone through years of doing the opposite? I started a daily practice of nonjudgmental reflection. And I did this just by starting to reframe my thoughts.

    Reframing our thoughts involves identifying negative thoughts and replacing them with more positive or helpful thoughts. If you have a negative thought like, “I’m not worthy of love,” you can do the following to reframe it:

    • Ask yourself what activity or action led to that thought. For example, “I’m going through a nasty divorce.”
    • Write down evidence that supports that thought. For example, “My husband said he didn’t love me anymore.”
    • Write down evidence that doesn’t support that thought. For example, “I have many friends and family that love me.”
    • Come up with a more positive thought. For example, “While I have struggled with this past relationship, that doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of love or will not find a loving, supportive relationship in the future.”

    Reframing my thoughts is an amazing practice that not only allowed me to practice acceptance of what had happened to me, but allowed me to move forward with a more positive attitude.

    3. Take responsibility for your life.

    During these difficult years of my life I felt a lot of self-pity because I felt like life was happening to me rather than realizing I had given up control of my life. In fact, all the major decisions for my life were made by my husband at the time.

    I gave up my power to someone else. Not a smart thing to do.

    I had to take responsibility for my actions in life because only then was I able to change things for the better. If you take responsibility, you take control. You take control and your life can finally become what you want it to become.

    One of the side effects of taking control was gaining freedom. I finally had the chance to make my own decisions and do what I wanted. It was scary at first having full responsibility of my life, but it opened my eyes to a whole new world I wanted to be a part of and it gave me options I didn’t know I had.

    4. Find your home again.

    When you fail, especially when you fail miserably, to return from that failure you must find your home again.

    According to Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame, in her TED talk titled “Success, Failure, And The Drive To Keep Creating,” your home is anything that you love more than yourself. Your home is that thing to which you can dedicate your energies with such singular devotion that the ultimate results become inconsequential.

    For me that was writing. Even though I haven’t found mega success with writing, it’s something that I’m driven to do and results are now inconsequential to me.

    If people love my work, then wonderful, I’ve connected with someone. If not, that’s still alright with me because I just love doing it. It makes me feel alive again.

    5. Share yourself with the world.

    I decided not to keep my “home” to myself, even though I easily could have. I created a blog to share my work with whoever felt drawn to read it. It’s made me feel quite vulnerable again, but it honestly feels very good to share and I feel like I’ve come out of hiding and am being seen again.

    And that’s the one big point I want to make. It’s important to share your “home” with the world because it’s your gift. Share it whether people love you for it or hate you for it, share it whether you’re a novice or an expert.

    It will bring you out of hiding, out of self-pity, and out of self-loathing, because you won’t be focused only on yourself anymore. You’ll be focused on something external.

    And the magical thing about sharing your gift is it will connect you. It will connect you to the world again, to the people who come in contact with your gift, to the people who get your gift, and most importantly, it will connect you with you again.

    Man with raised arms image via Shutterstock

  • How To Let Go Of Self-Doubt and Find Long-Lasting Happiness

    How To Let Go Of Self-Doubt and Find Long-Lasting Happiness

    Man and the Sunrise

    “It’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit.  Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same.”  ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

    Have you ever let your doubts get in the way of feeling happy?

    I have.

    I left my soul-sucking corporate job to live my dream, teaching yoga in Thailand.

    I was the happiest woman on earth—or was I?

    It looked that way from the outside. But each time I opened my mouth to teach a class, I was mired in self-doubt. Why wasn’t I charismatic, funny, or charming?

    I stumbled over my words. I wanted to be as chatty and charming as the retreat center owner, but I’m naturally quiet and thoughtful, more of an introvert. I secretly wished I could morph myself into a sparkling extrovert.

    Have you ever felt like you had to be more like someone else in order to be successful? As if your own natural voice wasn’t good enough? That’s how I felt.

    And I wondered if I’d made a gigantic mistake in pursuing my passion for teaching yoga.

    My wise Indian teacher noticed and asked me why I worried. He told me to stop comparing myself to others and focus instead on what gifts I had to offer.  

    It was hard. I still harbored doubts. But as I faced my doubts, the clouds cleared from my mind and allowed the sun to shine.

    I was empowered to teach from my heart, with compassion and honesty. And I strongly connected with the students.

    Ten years later, I continue to practice and teach, and I live each day energized, happier, and fulfilled.

    I’ve managed to keep my doubts at bay and achieve lasting happiness by following a collection of simple methods.

    Your Cheat Sheet To Finding Enduring Happiness

    1. Downsize your doubts.

    Many of your doubts are irrational fears that you must expose for what they are. You can do so by breathing deeply and then carefully reconsidering.

    Doubts can trigger your stress response, putting you into fight-or-flight mode. You’ll feel anxious and panicky, and your anxiety can stop you from following your deeper intuitions.

    When you stop and breathe deeply, you put yourself back into rest-and-digest mode. You allow yourself to discern what’s real from what’s imagined.

    For years I’ve thought of offering a teacher training course, but I’ve been stopped cold in my tracks by my fears. Am I a good enough teacher? Do I have the skills?

    Then I stop, I take a few breaths, and I think, “I’ve been practicing and teaching yoga for more than fifteen years, and taken multiple trips to India to study with the masters. I’m qualified.”

    I’m still scared, but if I listen to my doubts I’ll never take a step closer to this dream. So I take a few breaths, accepting and acknowledging my fears without letting them derail my initiative.

    With practice, you’ll develop a deep-breathing habit that dispels irrational doubts. Just stop. Inhale. Exhale. And repeat three times.

     2. Stop trying to make everyone else happy.

    Do you feel personally responsible for other people’s happiness? If you do, when things don’t go well, their frown will add to your self-doubt. Lighten up your load, and don’t automatically assume that you need to make them smile.

    I remember someone who looked for wrong in everything I did. She was deeply unhappy, and I was the target for her internal strife.

    I tried to make her happy and I inadvertently took responsibility for her happiness. When I finally accepted that her unhappiness wasn’t up to me, I quit wasting my energy and questioning my self-worth. And that was a relief.

    Want to feel happier and more confident? Let go of your need to be a people pleaser. Take responsibility for your own inner world, and quit trying to control everyone else’s.

    3. Kill your inner critic.

    Imagine fingernails scraping a chalkboard.

    Cringe.

    That’s what happens in your brain when you criticize yourself.

    When you criticize, your mind develops a negative thinking pattern. You should reflect on your actions, but you shouldn’t criticize yourself. Inner-harshness is a bad habit that can be changed with practice.

    Try this exercise to break your habit. Make a few lists: times you’ve shown compassion or kindness to someone, another of your positive attributes and skills, and a third of instances when you’ve coped with a difficult challenge. Keep the lists close at hand.

    Next, try to notice your self-critical thoughts. Take a deep breath in, then release the breath slowly. This breath draws your attention away from the criticism. Then think about an item from your list.

    It may seem unlikely that simply recalling positive things will change your thinking. But it will, because over time your brain will rewire itself. Self-doubt and criticism are replaced with patience and understanding.

    When I see photos of my younger self, I recall how critical I used to be about my looks. Ten years later, I see small lines developing around my eyes. Rather than criticizing these signs of aging, I embrace them. My forty-year-old self is happier and hopefully wiser than my thirty-year-old self.

    Work on breaking your habit of criticizing. Over time, you’ll cast away your doubts and cultivate a serene inner space.

    4. Meditate to replace self-doubt with self-compassion. 

    Meditation makes you happier and boosts your self-confidence.

    With practice, you begin to notice your mind’s patterns of self-limiting thoughts, and you can let them pass without believing them.

    I found that practicing loving-kindness meditation was a powerful tool for releasing self-doubt and criticism. The first line of this type of meditation elicits sentiments of compassion and kindness for ourselves. (Note: I’m tweaking the language slightly from the standard meditation)

    “I am filled with loving-kindness. I am well, peaceful and at ease, happy and free of suffering.”

    I used to have many crazy thoughts: “You’ll never find a partner,” or “You’ll never make a living as a yoga teacher, because who’d want to learn from you?” Using this meditation, over time I was able to notice and mostly let go of the doubts and fears.

    The importance is to build the sentiments, not on the specific language. Feel free to tweak this as you see fit.

    5. Celebrate success.

    Our minds are sneaky. When you envy someone’s success, your deep feeling is, “They’ve achieved this, but I can’t.” You’ve limited yourself and created more doubts. The inherent thought is that you don’t have enough.

    Envy keeps you stuck in a self-doubting cycle. Remember that the amount of success or happiness in this world is limitless. And you have what it takes too.

    Change your jealousy to genuine joy for others, and lift your self-imposed limits. You’ll feel energized and inspired—ready to channel your energy into achieving your own goals and dreams. Then take one step toward that goal. Even a tiny one.

    6. Move your body every day.

    Daily exercise keeps your mind and body healthy. The increased blood flow nourishes your body and brain. You’ll feel stronger and happier from the inside out.

    I’ve seen hundreds of people start yoga and gradually develop self-confidence. They start to do things they thought were impossible.

    I’m one of those people. A daily practice of yoga, where I progressively try new things, has helped me to see my pattern of self-doubts and gradually let go.

    Feel clear and confident with a little daily movement—yoga, walking, or dancing. Choose something that you love, and do it a little each day. Develop inner strength, and cast away your doubts.

    Start today.

    7.  Nurture your passions and strengths.

    You’ll feel alive and confident when you do what you love.

    When you’re passionate and absorbed in your task, you can easily release your doubts.

    For brief moments you’ve felt it — when you forget about censoring yourself and let yourself flow.

    8. Accept and love your shadows.

    To let go of self-doubt, you must accept all aspects of your self—including your pride and your shadows. No one is perfect.

    In order to let go of your doubts, you must learn to be grateful for your limitations and challenges. We all carry baggage; it’s a part of being human.

    Starting from a place of acceptance rather than shame will make all your efforts easier.

    Most people don’t know that I can be short tempered and critical of my loved ones. I’m not always a perfectly zen yoga teacher. But I accept these parts of myself. Instead of fighting them, I work on noticing when I’m impatient or overly critical and gently try to remind myself to be more accepting.

    Remember that we are all human. And we all have our messy sides.

    9. Embrace your own authentic voice.

    For me this was the hardest step, because being authentic means letting your guard down. You let others see your true self, and if you harbor doubts (like I did), this is terrifying.

    Looking back, I see that I was afraid to let people see the real me. It was safer to adopt a way of being that I knew was liked—a charming, chatty persona (that wasn’t me). I was petrified, but when I was able to drop my mask, my words flowed like sweet honey.

    Embrace your own voice and never try to masquerade as someone else.

    Unleash your sassy, sarcastic, or comedic inner child, if that’s the real you. But there’s nothing wrong with being thoughtful, observant, and careful with words either.

    It didn’t happen overnight, but as I practiced breathing, changing my thoughts, and being kind to myself, slowly my inner voice got stronger. I started to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and authentic.

    You can do it too.

    The Key To Long-Lasting Happiness

    You know what would be horrible? Looking back in twenty years and thinking, “Why did I waste so much time doubting rather than doing and connecting?”

    Don’t read this post and think, “Oh, that was good advice.” And then open Facebook and read about your friend’s lunch.

    Don’t keep yourself locked in a prison of illusionary self-doubt.

    Your actions start in your mind with your thoughts. And just because we can’t see your thoughts doesn’t mean they aren’t crucial to your health and happiness.

    Lock your doubts away and don’t let them out. You’ve got work to do.

    Connect with those around you. It’s your key to unlocking long-lasting happiness.

    You have unique gifts to share with the world, and only this lifetime to do so.

    Man and the sunrise image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    6 Tips to Love and Support Yourself and Become a Happier You

    Closeup of Smiling Woman

    “Awaken; return to yourself” ~Marcus Aurelius

    Darkness. Resentment. Detachment. Extreme discomfort.

    Those are the words I would use to describe my internal experience during my adolescent years up to young adulthood.

    Depression was something I was all too familiar with. Fear was running my life and I was exhausted. I now understand that a lot of it had to do with the dysfunctional family I grew up in and the pain that ensued.

    Determined to break this unhealthy way of being, I’ve been on a road of healing and self-growth over the past few years.

    However, my transition into a stronger relationship with myself really kicked into gear after my heart got broken for the first time. But it didn’t just get broken—it got completely shredded. Little did I know this would be the best thing that had ever happened to me.

    As I was deep into the break-up process, I was awakened by the fact that I had completely abandoned myself in the relationship. My confidence was low, I had no self-worth, and I relied on the one I loved to save me and carry me.

    I became delusional about the reality of my relationship and the man I was in love with.

    Harsh realization to come to terms with, but that was my starting point.

    Eventually, I was able to slowly put myself back out into the world. I kept running into situations that led me to discover all of these core values I was lacking in the relationship.

    After a few months of insightful encounters, I came to understand the path I was on: building a stronger, healthier relationship with myself.

    Even though I was going through heartbreak, I felt lighter, different. It was weird. After a while everything seemed to have “clicked” and kept progressing.

    From that point on I became devoted to myself. I was determined to rely on myself for the things I was constantly depending on other people/outside sources for. Below are the steps that helped me move toward myself.

    1. Practice self-compassion.

    Get to know this. Make it your new religion. This is the core for a stronger relationship with yourself because it creates a gentler tone within you.

    Self-compassion helps you acknowledge when you’re going through a hard time and release judgments toward yourself, which then opens you up to self-love.

    Even though it was hard, I practiced this during my break-up. I would put my hand on my heart and say things such as, “You poor thing, this is such an incredible amount of pain to deal with. This hurts so bad.” And I’d stay with that pain for a moment.

    I’d then finish off by reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can right now and I’m actually handling the situation really well.

    Doing this gave me the courage to ease into intense emotions and feel them fully, which helped me heal. It also empowered me as it made me feel not as codependent.

    Realizing that I was able to take care of myself during this incredibly painful time was a huge moment for me. Ultimately, it restored all of this self-love in me that I never knew existed.

    I suggest reading Kristin Neff’s book on self-compassion. I was able to grasp the concept just from this book. However, as someone who has been extremely hard on myself my whole life, it was difficult to be open to the idea at first and took a lot of practice.

    2. Get in touch with your feelings and body.

    I spent a lifetime repressing feelings not even understanding what they were. I now realize this is not okay.

    Our bodies are constantly filling us up with sensations trying to let us know what they feel and need. I’ve found that the more I try to identify my feelings, the closer I become to my intuition.

    Recently, I had to choose a new roommate and met with a ton of people. As I tried to get to know everyone, I made sure I became aware of the feeling that filled up inside me. I would notice warm yet powerful sensations, tightness, or nothing at all. After a while I began to trust those feelings and based my decisions off of them.

    It has also made me treat my heart and body with more respect, so I take better care of them.

    One time when I was working a lot I felt an illness coming on. After I came home that day, I listened very carefully to what my body needed to feel better. I ate whatever sounded good (sweet corn sounded like heaven, oddly enough), drank lots of water, took a bath, gave myself a ton of self-love, and went to bed super early.

    I felt amazing the next day.

    Meditation is also a great exercise for this that will heighten your awareness of any feelings that arise.

    3. Discover your values.

    We all have values, but do we ever really analyze what they are and why we choose some over others?

    I went through a list of values one day that I found online and highlighted the ones that spoke to me the most. I became so much closer to myself after establishing this.

    I discovered that I deeply value my physical and mental health, kindness, authentic connection with myself and others, and efficiency.

    It felt like I was rediscovering my identity. I simply allowed myself to embrace my authenticity and it felt amazing.

    4. Understand your needs and boundaries.

    Identifying my values led me to recognize what my needs are.

    Since I value my physical and mental health, taking care of my mind and body has become my number one need. I’ve come to learn that my mind and body are very sensitive, so I need to nurture them in order to maintain a healthy level of comfort.

    With that understanding, I essentially created a boundary for myself. I made sure I did my best to honor that need in most situations. Whether it meant missing a night out with friends to catch up on good sleep, avoiding pushing myself too hard at the gym, or taking a moment for myself to release any built up emotions.

    Once my needs were established, I had a better idea of what my boundaries are in work, in relationships, and with myself. Ultimately, it created an awareness of when my sense of identity was being challenged or reinforced.

    5. Avoid relying on external validation.

    This one takes practice and is where a lot of the steps I just listed get put to the test.

    We have such quick, easy access to external validation nowadays (Facebook, Instagram, anything with a “like” button). We often become confused on where the most important source of validation should come from.

    Lately, I’ve been making an effort to become conscious of when I get caught up in the desire for someone’s approval. I see it as an opportunity to check in with the status of my self-love. If I’m happy with who I am and am confident behind my decisions, I remind myself that I don’t need someone else’s approval.

    It’s a very empowering process.

    There are times, however, when I struggle with it, which is okay because it’s part of the human experience. I just try to be understanding and explore those insecurities.

    6. Recognize where the pain is coming from.

    This is one of the hardest steps. Take it slow. Be gentle. Start by being honest with yourself to see if you notice a behavior pattern that comes off in an unhealthy way (such as relying heavily on external validation). Try to identify the deeper reasons behind it and explore them.

    Once I understood that the way I was viewing my love interests was not healthy, I eventually realized it stemmed from a deep pain of neglect from my parents. From there, I began the process of breaking this pattern.

    Intense emotions will come up, but if you welcome them with open, loving arms (aka self-compassion!) you can ease into this process with a sense of safety.

    You might need help from another source such as a self-help book, therapist, or friend to identify the unhealthy habits.

    —

    Building a stronger relationship with yourself is an incredibly fulfilling and liberating process. It takes time, patience, and understanding. Try to go into it with an excitement and curiosity rather than an expectation.

    I’ve come to find that when you have a better sense of your identity, you become empowered. When you become empowered, you gain self-esteem. When you gain self-esteem, you are more driven to take better care of yourself. One thing always leads to another. 

    Most importantly, however, love and support from myself creates a happier me.

    Closeup of smiling woman image via Shutterstock

  • A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    Confident Pose

    “Kindness in words creates confidence.” ~Lao Tzu

    Does your life feel like an endless experience of struggle and stress? That while you have moments of reprieve, they are transient and short lived?

    It may be that the problem lies with your confidence—in your belief in your ability to bring about successful outcomes when you experience challenges.

    For many of us, our attitudes toward ourselves continually undermine our confidence.

    That was my experience for most of my life. My confidence was dependent on how I felt I was doing.

    If I did well, I felt good. If I struggled, I lost confidence very quickly.

    It didn’t seem to matter how many times I succeeded, doubting myself was just one slip up away. And I was exceptionally hard on myself when I failed.

    So I drove myself harder and harder. I overworked. I was determined not to feel that awful feeling of not being good enough. So I read, studied, and experienced. My confidence was always on the other side of the next book, course, or program.

    Until I burned out.

    I couldn’t keep up the pace. And I’m so grateful for that. Recovering from the health difficulties that come with burnout required that I change the way I was relating to myself and challenge the basic assumptions that I was making about what I was capable of.

    I had to pay close attention on a minute-by-minute basis to the choices I was making and my self-talk. How was I treating myself? How did I respond when I made mistakes?

    Most of us have been taught to have conditional confidence. We can feel good and confident when things are going well, but we struggle to keep motivated when things are hard. We are hard on ourselves when we slip up. We are critical, judgmental, and harsh.

    So we up the effort. We overwork, over-prepare, needing to keep ahead of the possibility of failure that we imagine is just around the corner.

    We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.

    Changing our attitude toward ourselves is the key to building confidence that is not dependent on external signs of success. An unshakable confidence that allows us to be resilient in the face of adversity and to trust ourselves enough to keep taking the next step, even when circumstances look dismal.

    Imagine that you could go through life trusting in your capability, in your ability to meet the challenges in a way that could bring about a successful outcome.

    What a relief that would be!

    Instead of trying to control the world and avoid failure, you could take risks and stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone. When you made mistakes (which you inevitably will as part of the growth and learning process) you would pick yourself up quickly, acknowledge yourself for your effort, and make any changes that we needed, based on your new learning.

    And you would keep going.

    Life would be full of possibility and hope.

    So how can you do that?

    Changing your attitude toward yourself is essentially about changing habits. So it requires patience, attention, and effort.

    Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, believes that changing from self-criticism to self-compassion is the key to resilience in the face of challenge.

    People who respond to themselves with compassion are far less likely to be depressed or anxious, and they have greater confidence in their ability to succeed.

    Self-compassion involves three components:

    • Being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical
    • Framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience
    • Seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems.

    How to Become Kinder to Yourself

    1. Start by noticing the way you speak to yourself.

    Especially when you slip up (in your eyes). Increasing your awareness of existing patterns is an important first step. Don’t be tempted to skip it. Most of us want to rush ahead and make changes instantly.

    2. Gently start practicing a different response.

    This may seem a bit silly at first, depending on how deeply entrenched your critical and judgmental response is. Mine was very well practiced, so it did feel awkward for a long time. But do persist. Even tiny changes can make a huge difference to how you feel and what you are able to do.

    3. Surround yourself with kind and supportive voices.

    Sometimes when you are stuck in a judgmental pattern, it can be very hard to make changes in the moment. What I found worked in these times was to have someone else hold that voice for me, so I would spend time with someone who embodied kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance.

    4. Practice, practice, practice!

    Change happens with the consistent efforts made over time, not the big once-off attempts. Stay with this; it will make all the difference in the long run.

    This is the path to unconditional confidence. Put in the effort. Pay attention and develop new ways of relating to yourself. Surround yourself with encouraging people who can help you remember your intention.

    Confident pose image via Shutterstock

  • Find Happiness Now Instead of Chasing It in the Future

    Find Happiness Now Instead of Chasing It in the Future

    Happy

    “You can only grow if you’re willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.” ~Brian Tracy

    I found myself at a crossroads last year. I had reached the end of my time in college, and I had no post-graduation commitments.

    I was working at the time on my applications to medical school, as I have wanted to become a doctor for a long time. However, I knew that medical schools are inundated with qualified applicants every year, but only have a few seats to offer. Thus, my vision of myself as a doctor still seemed to be only a dream, and I didn’t see myself on the path toward becoming a doctor yet.

    Paradoxically, during this commitment-free time, my realization that an infinite number of paths were available paralyzed me. What if I made a wrong turn?

    I searched for clues as to which path might be best for me.

    I first observed the doctors I had met as an example of what my life could become. Fear and anxiety manifested as a “negativity lens” that altered my field of vision. I found fault with every doctor I encountered, even the ones who were happy with their career—so many more were burnt-out, insisting that I still had time to change my mind.

    I was scared of becoming like them. I decided to mentally let go of my commitment to this career path as I imagined other possibilities. Perhaps I could be a stay-at-home mom instead, or maybe a chef, as I had always loved to cook.

    I looked to each of the two aforementioned types of people for inspiration again. Unsurprisingly, I hated everything I saw. My blue-tinted binoculars were in full effect as I looked ahead on the path to becoming a full-time family woman, leading a life plagued by a lack of fulfillment and resentment.

    I explored the path to becoming a chef and saw myself dealing with ungrateful customers and having no freedom to be creative in what I cooked.

    None of the paths had a surefire destination of happiness. As I noticed myself judging everything so harshly and reflected on why I was doing so, I realized that I had convinced myself that the path I chose could lead me to a state of mind that I didn’t already have.

    My paranoia over becoming unhappy in the future had become my way of avoiding my present unhappiness.  

    Once I became aware of this unhappiness, my first reaction was to judge myself. Self-judgment for me was a persistent, angry voice in my head that screamed and berated me for wallowing and being pathetic.

    When I explored why I judge myself, it seemed to stem from a discomfort with who I am as a person. I didn’t like myself.

    This led me to deny and change my every quality in a quest for perfection.

    For instance, I tend to be introverted in nature. I recognized this in myself, called myself (and listened when others called me) words like a loner and a recluse, and alternated between pushing myself so far out of my comfort zone in social situations that I felt inauthentic and fake, and withdrawing deeply within to a place of self-loathing.

    I couldn’t see that being introverted is just a personality trait that is associated both with positives and negatives, and that if I embraced it and stopped trying to twist it, I would feel natural.

    Once I recognized how deeply the negative self-talk went, I was able to start changing. Since it seemed to stem from not knowing who I am, I started by identifying my core traits.  

    The first time I attempted to explore this, I was so confused and uncertain that I couldn’t come up with a single trait. Self-judgment had made me fearful of being anything at all.

    I talked to friends and family who know me well, and sifted through things I had written both recently and further into the past, to remind myself of who I am at my core. I wrote them down, acknowledging both the good and the bad associated with them.

    Every morning, I practiced saying the things that I am to myself. It felt awkward at first, but eventually became natural as I practiced it more and more.

    I also became aware of the messages I directed at myself throughout the day. Many were cruel, full of blame for how I wasn’t “enough.” Especially in the aftermath of a situation that I wished had gone differently, my inner voice yelled and put me down.

    I was unsure of how to change until I thought of how I would speak to someone I love. If I had a friend who was in my position, would I have blamed her for her feelings and screamed until she “surrendered” to happiness? Absolutely not.  

    I started cultivating a new voice in my mind, one that didn’t shout but was gentle and caring the way a good friend is. I feared that I would let myself go entirely and spiral into laziness if I “coddled” myself.

    As I continued to develop this new voice, I began to realize the difference between coddling and being kind. I am still allowed to have expectations for myself, but instead of beating myself down when I don’t meet an expectation, I explore it by listening to my inner kind-but-firm voice.

    With this practice, too, I notice that I judge others less. It seems that practicing self-compassion is allowing me to be truly empathetic toward others, instead of outwardly compassionate while silently judging as I once was.

    Nonetheless, judgments about others still arise in my mind on occasion, but I am better able to notice them, examine where they might be coming from, and then dismiss them.

    Through this practice of being kind to myself, I now see that happiness is available to me right now instead of waiting at the end of some path.

    With this newfound positivity, I choose to continue moving toward realizing my goal of becoming a doctor. After I submitted my applications and found a few moments of stillness while I waited for responses, I reflected and questioned again if I felt right on this path.

    In truth, now that I have a positive state of mind and am experiencing joy much more readily, I could choose any path and be happy. However, I still arrived at the same conclusion: I not only want, but I feel called to become a doctor.

    This time, that answer is enough for me to move forward with confidence because practicing kindness is helping me develop trust in myself.

    I recognize that the road to becoming an MD will present many challenges, many of which cannot be predicted from where I stand now, and that’s okay.  I feel confident in my ability to handle those challenges because now, I can recognize when fear is starting to ensnare me.

    Instead of blaming myself for feeling fear, I have the strongest tools available—love and kindness—to free me from that grip, examine myself and my circumstances, and consciously move forward.

    To anyone who can relate to any aspect of my story, I encourage you to hit “pause” throughout the day. Notice your actions and your feelings. Always allow yourself the opportunity to ask, “Why? Why am I acting or feeling this way?”

    I invite you also to notice the tone in which you address yourself. If you find that the tone in which you ask yourself “why?” carries disgust or judgment, the way I did, do not lose hope. You can cultivate self-compassion and self-kindness.

    In moments where you regress to old habits, of which I have had many, try not to dwell on how you have “failed.” Instead, allow yourself to learn from the setback, remember the progress you have made, and approach your practice of self-compassion with renewed energy.

    Photo by Mustafa Khayat

  • 7 Steps to Move Through Sadness (and What We Can Learn from It)

    7 Steps to Move Through Sadness (and What We Can Learn from It)

    Crying Man

    “Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” ~Buddha 

    He had been ignoring the symptoms for months, possibly even a year. When my husband came home from the doctors, he told me his PSA score was high, and he needed to have a biopsy. That date came and went, and we were waiting for the pathology report.

    The doctor assured us it was nothing.

    The image of standing in the car dealership parking lot, talking with my son and son-in-law will be forever etched in my memory. When the phone rang, I saw that it was he, and expecting it to be good news that I could share with my family, I answered it quickly.

    These were the words that I heard: “It’s not good; I have cancer.”

    Still holding the phone to my ear, I looked at my son. A million thoughts were racing through my mind. Should I tell him? I felt the weight of my husband’s words pressing me into the pavement.

    My son and son-in-law were carrying on their conversation as if the world had not stopped. In my mind, it had. How surreal.

    As I lowered the phone to my side, and I said, “Dad has cancer.” From that moment on, life as I knew it changed. I am well acquainted with the definition of sadness.

    “Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, hopelessness, and sorrow. An individual experiencing sadness may become quiet or lethargic, and withdraw themselves from others. Crying is often an indication of sadness.” ~Wikipedia

    Over the past three years I have had to make multiple adjustments to the story I had envisioned for my life.

    I have a beautiful mobile with birds carved out of driftwood. It was as if someone had flicked one of the birds, sending the others (still tethered together) flying in all directions.

    Just as the birds seemed to settle down, they got flicked again, and then again, and then again.

    Did you know grief is an actual physical process that our brain goes through after a significant change? 

    The limbic system in our brain holds an internal image of life as we know it. When a major change takes place, new neuropathways must be built in order to accommodate an updated version of reality.

    Building a new picture literally takes a lot of energy and time depending on the nature of the change.

    If we didn’t understand that grieving is a necessary process in order to move forward, we might become impatient and want to skip this unpleasant period of time.

    Numbness, shock, feeling unsettled, and sadness are among the symptoms of grief.

    Out of the hundreds of emotions we experience, sadness is one of the basics. 

    From a survival perspective, it has been said that sadness was hardwired into us to keep us safe after significant loss. It is associated with a feeling of heaviness, sleepiness, and withdrawal from activity and social connections.

    That makes perfect sense when you consider that grief (or the time your brain is updating) causes impaired short-term memory, decreased concentration and attention span, absent-mindedness, forgetfulness, and distraction.

    After a major loss it would be unsafe to go hunting or gathering.

    Having said that, sadness remains the one emotion people try to avoid the most, and understandably so. To be sad is to be vulnerable, and again, from a primitive perspective, this is a threat to our very survival.

    We need to remind ourselves that our minds have evolved, and though it is unpleasant, we can survive sadness. Not only can we survive sadness, it can be our teacher if we let it.

    It is impossible to think of any benefit of sadness while in the midst of it, but pondering it before the fact can go a long way in lessening the blow when it occurs. Understanding is powerful.

    We can’t make sadness feel good, but we can navigate it better and even learn from it.

    What Can Be Learned from Sadness?

    • Sadness can help clarify our identity by showing us what we value.
    • If we are mindful of the visceral sensations of sadness, we become aware it is an emotion; it’s not who we are.
    • It is a signal that we are processing something we don’t want to let go of. We can explore our attachments from a non-judgmental stance.
    • As we become acquainted with sadness, we are able to have empathy for others, which strengthens our connections.
    • We are better able to appreciate the good times when we have something to contrast it with.
    • When we have the courage to handle sadness, we expand our capacity to handle other hard things.
    • When we honor our sadness, we learn that passing through it is expedited.

    “Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” ~C. S. Lewis

    Navigating Sadness

    1. Identify the source of your sadness.

    Emotions have more power when their triggers are kept secret. Name what is making you sad. It doesn’t have to be one thing.

    2. Determine if it is justified.

    Do yourself a favor and ask if what your sad about is true. If it is not, let it go. Usually if you are sad it is legitimate, even if the reason isn’t what you thought it was to begin with.

    3. Validate your emotion.

    Allow yourself to feel sad. What you are feeling is real.

    4. Practice self-compassion.

    Show yourself some love. Don’t be angry with yourself. In Tara Brach’s words say, “It’s okay, sweetheart.”

    5. Accept. 

    Unconditionally accept your new reality. You don’t have to like it, approve of it, or give life a pass. Acceptance allows you to manage change more effectively.

    6. Create a survivor’s picture. 

    Paint a new picture of your life with you being a courageous survivor. Find the meaning in your suffering. 

    7. Remember that every day deserves a new picture.

    Stay in the here and now, and allow a new picture to unfold each day. When you are flexible enough to allow for small changes regularly, big changes, though shocking, are easier to handle. 

    —

    Navigating rather than running from sadness has deepened my perspective on life. It has helped me savor time with loved ones, be more compassionate with others who might be struggling, and not become unsettled over small things.

    It has taught me that I have little control over what comes to pass in my life, but I have courage to pass through hard times, knowing the sun will shine again, if I allow it.

    Most of all, I have learned that time and being compassionate toward myself are the most reliable healers.

    I can feel vulnerable and still know I will survive.

    Disclaimer: This article is in reference to non-depressive sadness. If you have been excessively sad for an extended period of time for no apparent reason, please seek professional help.

    Photo by Anders Ljungberg

  • How to Take Responsibility for Your Life Without Blaming Yourself

    How to Take Responsibility for Your Life Without Blaming Yourself

    Self-Love

    “The place to improve the world is first in one’s own heart and head and hands.” ~Robert M. Pirsig

    Many of us are exploring what it means to be responsible for ourselves, to be creating our own reality. These are concepts that in some situations are easy to grab ahold of; at other times, the meanings are far more elusive.

    I’ve seen, in myself and in others, the tendency to beat ourselves up while we are learning what self-empowerment really means. I think this is a natural result of our cultural programming, and it’s understandable that we’d need to work through this type of self-punishment on our quest for understanding.

    I used to be an expert at self-blame.

    When old relationships ended, I asked myself what I’d done wrong. When I didn’t take advantage an opportunity, I wondered what was wrong with me; why wasn’t I paying more attention? If a friend was acting a bit off, I thought it was me. Had I said something insensitive? Was I talking too much? Was I boring?

    I was an excellent over-thinker and a superb finger-pointer, as long as that finger was pointed right back at me.

    I rationalized this over-thinking by reminding myself of my desire to be responsible for myself. I was paying attention! I was recognizing my role! I was empowering myself! Doing that required this type of self-questioning!

    I knew I was creating my own reality. I felt that if I could not keep things from happening that made me feel uncomfortable (read: sad, mad, confused), then I was failing.

    At that time, punishing myself felt like taking responsibility for what was going on. If I blamed myself, it meant I recognized that I was creating the reality. I wasn’t being a victim or pointing the finger at someone else; I was taking on the full load, and man, did I.

    I trucked along fairly successfully with that outlook for quite some time. It was certainly stressful, and I spent lots of time making up stories about myself, but it wasn’t affecting me in a negative enough way for me to change it.

    That is, until my marriage broke up.

    That occurrence marked the beginning of the most stressful time that I’d ever experienced. The internal dialogue was vicious. I felt guilt, and a sense of failure, and a sadness that I’d never experienced before.

    That combination of emotions really opened the floodgates to the parts of me that excelled at self-blame.

    It was several months into that experience when I realized that all the self-punishment wasn’t helping. I wasn’t feeling any better. If anything, I was feeling worse. The self-blame didn’t feel like healing, or like I was working through the emotion; it felt like quicksand.

    Over time, I’ve learned that there is a big difference between being responsible for ourselves and blaming ourselves.

    This knowledge didn’t come over night; it was a process that I am still working through. Initially, it can be tough for us to tell the difference between self-punishment and empowerment. Here are a few tips and tricks I’ve used to help me drop the habit of self-blame.

    1. Re-frame how you question yourself.

    We all have patterns, or tendencies, in how we communicate. In a tough situation, there is probably an automatic question or two that you usually ask yourself. When it pops up, write it down. It might be, “What did I do wrong?” or, “Why do I always eff up?”

    Ask yourself if you would ask someone you care about the same exact question. Chances are, the answer is no. Let that sink in.

    2. Change the question.

    How would you ask the question if it was directed at someone else?

    Pretend you are playing the role of trusted friend to someone you respect, love, and whom you hold in the highest regard. Would you have more compassion for their experience? Would you want to be supportive? Would you desire to assist them by being able to offer a more detached view? (Spoiler: Yes!)

    The new question you ask will depend on the situation. One that fits almost any experience is, simply, “What can I take from this?”

    I also like, “What do I want to learn from this?” which can remind us to consider in a more empowering direction. Also, “How do I want this to be different in the future?” can help us to formulate a plan to make that future happen.

    3. Now ask yourself that question.

    How does your altered question feel? Does it cause you to clench up, or do you begin hearing a litany of crappy internal dialogue? If so, change the question again. Keep changing it until you come up with a version that you’re comfortable hearing, that assists you in actually coming up with an introspective response.

    4. Remember, there is not one “right” way; there are just ways of being.

    I think many of us believe there is only one right way or one correct path. With this belief, there are many chances to consider that we are wrong or that we’ve failed. This is simply not the case!

    There are many ways to do most tasks, just as there are many ways to live our lives. Having a difficult experience doesn’t mean we’ve done anything wrong; it means we are on a tougher road to learning, for the moment.

    Opportunities are infinite; our options are boundless, and we always have the power to change our perspective on any life event, large or small.

    We have just as much energy for self-compassion and exploration as we do for self-punishment. It’s up to us to direct it.

    How do you shift the energy when you realize you’re beating yourself up?

    Photo by Daniela Brown

  • 3 Keys to Feeling Happy, No Matter What Happens

    3 Keys to Feeling Happy, No Matter What Happens

    Smiling Flower

    “Look at what you’ve got and make the best of it. It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.” ~Proverb.

    The year 2013 was the happiest of my life.

    Not because it was the most perfect or problem free year. In reality it was as messy, sad, and as difficult as any previous year.

    In October I looked at the last correspondence between my biological father and me for the first time since his suicide years before. I felt as devastated as the day he died. Healing is a much longer journey than I’d imagined.

    Around March my psychologist noted that I was codependent on my blissfully independent husband and in serious need of my own identity.

    In August I traveled to the U.S. for the first time in three years, and people I love rejected me.

    From April to November I hated the stress, demands, and despair of my job and wanted to quit. Every single day.

    That’s not all.

    Extended family ignored requests to help me write a memoir about my biological father and grandmother. I gained weight, broke my toe, and couldn’t get rid of an itchy rash. Not a single piece of my writing got published and my blog went days without a visitor.

    The miracle of 2013 is that I broke free of the notion that happiness is an if/then proposition.

    If…I get the job, if he loves me, if I stop feeling anxious, if my health gets better (insert your own if here)…

    …then I will be happy.

    Happiness is not when everything turns out exactly how we want or plan.

    Happiness is a full-hearted, unreserved embrace of life—exactly as it is.

    I identified three keys to making happiness a more enduring state—not just a flickering emotion dependent on other people and results.

    Here is how I do it.

    1. Gratitude

    In 2013 I started keeping track of my gratitude. Each day I write between five to eight unique events I am grateful for. I don’t repeat anything from the previous day.

    If you grew up in an abundant environment and learned to be grateful because of it, awesome. I did not.

    Learning was a slow process for me. After twenty-one days I was not a more positive or grateful person. A hundred days in, it had completely changed my life.

    Gratitude does not come naturally to me, but it’s the surest path to happiness, I promise.

    Even when work sucks and people disappoint me or I let myself down, I make an effort to see all the spaces, places, and people for which or whom I am grateful.

    With time, I have begun to recognize my gratitude not just at the end of the day, but when things actually occur.

    2. Self-Compassion

    I accompany homeless adults on the arduous journey of trying to reenter the work market. Recently, one participant (in a drunken rage) broke the leg of the chair and threatened to attack another person.

    My team took care of the immediate danger, and the next day it was left to me to conduct the reflection.

    The conversation lasted less than five minutes. He justified his actions and I couldn’t muster up the courage to challenge him.

    “Is this your first time?” our new social worker asked with concern.

    “No, more like my hundredth,” I replied.

    Not my best work. I felt like a failure.

    One year ago I would have replayed the scene in my head over and over and called myself every name in the book. I’m the manager, what example am I setting, my team thinks I am a loser, the participant thinks I am a joke, etc.

    It’s hard to be happy, in any circumstance, when you are your own worst critic.

    Being kind to myself is a huge challenge—and a fundamental element in my pursuit of living an authentic and happy life.

    Recognizing that self-compassion is not weakness or going to make me a lazy, unmotivated slob has greatly increased my willingness to be nicer to myself.

    The truth is, the kinder I am to myself, the more willing I am to get up from each failure and try again.

    Writing not published? Try somewhere else.

    Friend not responding? Give it some time.

    Husband really mad at me? That is okay, it happens to everyone and we will work it out.

    How do you treat yourself when you fail? Make sure it’s with a hug.

    3. Passion

    After I recovered from the shock of the therapist’s statement that I had no clearly formed sense of self, I knew she was right.

    What now? How do I discover who I am?

    I asked myself, what do I love to do?

    I didn’t ask myself how I will make the most money or become famous or what I am the best at. I asked myself what I love and then acted upon the response without reservation.

    The answer was writing.

    I can’t identify independent clauses, I have never read Dostoevsky, I will probably never be able to make a living from writing, and it is what I love to do.

    This was the motivation to start taking online writing classes, reading books, and starting a daily writing practice.

    Better yet, by investing in one interest, several others had room to grow.

    In 2013 I took a photography class, began sketching, created desserts with no refined sugar, and started a blog—all of which I do while maintaining my full-time job.

    If no one reads what I write or looks at what I create, that’s okay.

    What matters is that I showed up for me.

    If someone asks you who are you, what are your hobbies, what you would do if money weren’t an issue and you don’t have an answer, don’t worry—I didn’t either.

    Simply start with what you love.

    Don’t judge, don’t censure, don’t over think. What do you love?

    Start. Today.

    —

    You will experience sadness and loss and suffering in life. There is no guarantee or protection against pain. But if you practice gratitude and self-compassion and invest in your identity, you will create a default state of happiness that will support all the difficulties and failures along the way.

    Take a deep breath, get in touch with who you are, and find something you appreciate about your life, exactly as it is. There you have it.

    Happiness is within your reach right now, no matter what is happening in your life.

    Photo by geralt

  • How to Stop Judging and Being Hard on Yourself

    How to Stop Judging and Being Hard on Yourself

    “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

    For a long time I joked that if I had a time machine, I would go back to 1989 and give my sixteen-year-old self a swift butt kicking. But then a few months ago, on my fortieth birthday, a friend posted a picture of me at sixteen on Facebook.

    Seeing this image of myself totally threw me for a loop. Other than a school photo, it’s probably one of the few pictures I am aware of from that time in my life.

    I spent some time contemplating this version of me glancing sideways at the camera. Under the surly expression of not wanting my photograph taken, there is undeniable beauty and innocence.

    What makes it even more poignant is that I am the mother of a teenage boy who happens to be sixteen right now. His teenage drama has brought back so many memories of myself at that age.

    For most of my career as a teenager I was preoccupied with being cool, with cultivating a counter-culture, bohemian persona (assuming clove cigarettes, On the Road, and a pile of mixed tapes constituted “bohemian”). Rolling my eyes at my mother was a near constant affectation.

    I was certain that I knew it all; I had the rest of my life all figured out and I rejected anything that didn’t fit with my narrow understanding of the world. I now know there were countless experiences I missed out on by virtue of my stubbornness and general disdain for everything.

    I avoided most of the mainstream high school dances and events. I dropped out of clubs and activities as soon as they felt challenging. I didn’t bother investigating the many academic and social opportunities that came my way.

    What I would have regarded not long ago as a silly, selfish, snotty teenage attitude, I now realize is something else entirely. In that picture I see the seeds of pain and hurt—some already planted and taking root; some yet to be sown.

    Lack of encouragement and confidence was written all over my face. The trauma of rejection and the fear of not measuring up was so apparent. That cool thing was just an act—a part I was playing to protect the hurt little girl that I really was.

    It occurred to me as I observed her tentative gaze that this girl is still a part of me and deserves my love and tenderness, not my judgment. She deserves respect for the woman she is going to become and comfort for the child she has been.

    Those reflections brought me full speed into the present moment. Seeing this image of myself in a new light forced me to examine the way I treat myself today. I tend to be pretty understanding and gentle with others, but so tremendously unforgiving with myself.

    Maybe it’s a sense of guilt over squandering my potential. Or maybe I’ve grown to be hyper-vigilant about seeming unworthy. Perhaps I’ve just been metaphorically giving my inner sixteen-year-old a butt kicking all along.

    Whatever the reason, when I notice in hindsight that I’ve made a bad decision or missed an important detail, I beat myself up. Whether it’s buying something that turns out to be a waste of money or spending time goofing off on the Internet, I often feel like I’m that teenager in need of a stern, judgmental lecture.

    I have yet to really figure out why I’m so ruthless with regard to my own mistakes but I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. If our culture’s lack of self-esteem is any indication, this seems to be a challenge for many people.

    I’ve heard it said that until you can love yourself, you can’t truly love others. I’m not sure how much I agree with that. In fact, I’ve come to think of maternal love as loving someone else more than you love yourself.

    What I do know is that struggling to love myself makes showing up in the world a big challenge. Showing up as my authentic self requires so much effort. In fact it’s nearly impossible when I don’t feel self-love.

    I strongly feel that lack of self-love holds us back. It prevents us from connecting with our purpose and doing great things. I may be over-generalizing but the scarcity of self-love in our society seems to be at the root of so many common problems.

    It’s important to understand that loving yourself doesn’t mean you are selfish or a narcissist or that you don’t take responsibility for your mistakes. It means that you treat yourself fairly and with respect.

    Self-love means that I forgive myself for my errors and continue striving to be the best person I can be. It means I believe in myself and put the same effort into my well-being as I do for my loved ones.

    It should come as no surprise that the practice of self-love is far easier said than done. But, in my often-imperfect journey to loving myself, I’ve learned a few things along the way:

    1. Challenge the notion that there’s any merit to being hard on yourself.

    Beating yourself up may have the short-term effect of making you work harder or be more diligent. But in the long run, being unkind to yourself causes resentment, a sense of defeat, and eventually some emotional scars.

    2. Add a new twist to the Golden Rule.

    We always teach children that they should treat others the way they wish to be treated. A good rule as we grow up is to treat ourselves according to the same standards we treat others.

    You probably aren’t the kind of person who would call their child, mother, or best friend “stupid,” so why would you say that kind of thing to yourself?

    3. Know that forgiving yourself doesn’t mean lowering your standards.

    There is nothing wrong with striving to be the best you can be. However, it’s important to cut yourself some slack when you fall short of expectations.

    Making a mistake or not being perfect is simply part of being human. If you didn’t do your best, it’s okay and it’s really not the end of the world. Dust yourself off, keep moving forward, and love yourself for all your imperfections!

    While it’s definitely not easy at first, I promise that learning to love yourself really does pay off. The love and kindness we have for ourselves may eventually allow us to change the world!

  • How to Practice Self-Compassion: 5 Tips to Stop Being Down on Yourself

    How to Practice Self-Compassion: 5 Tips to Stop Being Down on Yourself

    Inner Light

    “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” ~Jack Kornfield

    I never wanted to see a therapist. I imagined settling onto the storied couch and seeing dollar signs appear in concerned eyes as I listed the family history of mental illness, addiction, and abuse. I feared I’d be labeled before I’d ever been heard.

    But after experiencing the emotional shock of witnessing a murder, I knew I needed a space to grieve. So I gathered all of my courage and laid myself bare to a very nice woman who had Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements on her coffee table. I trusted her.

    Within moments of meeting me, that very nice woman shattered the world I knew. The characteristics I viewed as strengths—my drive, my nurturing nature, my strength under pressure—were neatly organized into a single neurosis: codependency.

    As I leafed through the pages of the book she recommended to me, I saw myself in the narrative of the co-dependent: giving until I had given all that I had; investing myself deeply in the mental health of those around me; constantly trying to make others happy.

    But rather than find comfort in the words on the pages, I found myself sinking into despair. All of those years I thought that I had escaped my past unscathed, and here I was, stuck with a label: codependent.

    Week after week, I dove deeper into this idea that perhaps I needed to confront my past; perhaps I did need to grieve. I cried. I raged. I stopped eating. I ate too much. My health declined.

    My therapist told me I needed to relax. So I woke up early every day, determined to be the most relaxed person I could be: always striving to relax harder, better. And yet I didn’t feel better; I felt worse.

    By accepting a label given to me by a near stranger, I had unconsciously shifted my focus from living in the present to fixing something that I perceived to be wrong with my past.  And it had overwhelmed me.

    My inner critic gained a strength previously unknown to me. Every day, I thought about how I might make myself better. I cursed at myself for being unable to let go, and then I cursed at myself for cursing at myself.

    I was exhausted.

    As I slowly came to realize that I could not keep up with that inner critic, something changed. I accepted that I couldn’t be perfect. I accepted that I was human.

    Only by finding my edge—that place where I couldn’t take any more—was I able to finally let go. When my inner critic started to rear its head, I learned to stick up for myself as I might defend a friend: “I am only human. I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.”

    With that simple acknowledgement—I am not perfect, nor do I need to be—I was finally able to free myself not only from the pain of past experiences, but also from the pain that came from reducing myself to a label.

    By learning to practice self-compassion, I became comfortable with the person I am today, free of expectations.

    The journey to self-compassion was a difficult one for me, but I believe it to be a journey that I will only need to take once. Today, I have the tools I need to practice self-compassion without having to first battle my inner critic, and these are tools that anyone can use:

    1. Acknowledge challenges and let them go.

    I always remember, “I am not perfect, nor do I need to be.” When entirely normal emotions come up—frustration, stress, anger, fear—I remind myself that no one expects me to be perfect. I allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel and to then let it go.

    2. Remember that you are exactly where you need to be.

    When we start our journey inward, we may learn things about ourselves that shock us. I try to remember that every challenge has its purpose and I am exactly where I need to be today.

    3. Practice self-growth rather than self-improvement.

    Improvement implies that there is something to fix. Rather than attempting to “fix” what’s “wrong,” I focus instead on strengthening what’s right. Work toward personal growth rather than some idea of perfection.

    4. Speak to yourself as you would speak to a friend.

    As I faced challenges in my personal growth, I learned to be kind to myself. If a friend was struggling with an uncomfortable emotion, I would never criticize that friend with language like, “Why can’t you just learn to be happy all of the time?!” So I don’t speak to myself that way either.

    5. Give yourself a hug.

    Go on. Right now. Just do it. That felt good, didn’t it?

    Self-compassion is an inside job. I’ve learned that if I am gentle with myself, the world becomes a gentler place. I invite you to experience it too.

    Photo by Joseph Vasquez

  • When You’re Hard on Yourself: Replace Guilt with Self-Compassion

    When You’re Hard on Yourself: Replace Guilt with Self-Compassion

    “Be gentle with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

    “Guilty,” admits an offender. “Guilty,” proclaims a jury. Things are pretty black and white in trial verdicts and courtroom pleas (although there are still plea bargains and hung juries, mitigating circumstances and appeals).

    Life is rarely as cut-and-dried as the criminal justice system.

    I’ve experienced guilt in different shades of grey—in rational and many irrational ways that bear no real relation to the “crime” at hand, or to any crime at all.

    I’ve experienced guilt simply for how I think, how I feel, not for anything I’ve actually done or failed to do. Shame, really.

    And I’ve suffered guilt like a chronic disease, believing that I could never be “good enough” unless I somehow felt guilty, because of course I could always do/be better. (You see the strange logic, don’t you?)

    I’ve been far from gentle with myself.

    Guilt is a signal that you are striving to be better, and unless you’re doing that, you’re not good enough, or at least not acknowledging all the ways you aren’t perfect. Apparently! There’s always room for improvement, and guilt is the electric prod to remind you, lest you ever get self-satisfied.

    I’ve been unpacking, or should I say undressing, the anatomy of guilt lately. In true Irish Catholic tradition, I feel guilty for that!

    This ingrained religious belief came down my family line, passed on subconsciously most of the time, at other times with sharp criticism.

    I reckon the whole confession tradition encourages you to look for all the things you’ve done wrong rather than celebrate what you’ve done right. The doctrine reinforces all the ways you are fallible and unworthy rather than focusing on how you are simply human and born “good enough.”

    I was good at school, but that, in itself, didn’t make me good (which is just fine). Sure, I was praised for my grades, but I had a sense that it was never enough, even though my parents didn’t pressure me to achieve and correctly taught me that grades aren’t everything.

    Yet somehow there was almost too much pride in any kind of achievement, too much selfishness in any kind of ambition—guilt even made being good feel bad!

    It wasn’t so much about being a do-gooder, as only being allowed a very small quota of acceptable selfishness before guilt kicked in. As it should (or so I thought)!

    I heard the “love they neighbor” bit loudly, but forgot to listen to the “as you would love yourself”—the irony being that you can only love your neighbor based on how much you love yourself.

    Guilt can be fuel to change, to make amends, and that’s fine. Sometimes we need a guilty conscience to remind us that our thoughtless actions can have negative impacts, even if unintended. Remorse must surely come after criminal acts, or there is no room for rehabilitation.

    But when I find myself feeling guilty for feeling (not acting) selfish, I’m stuck in that shame spin cycle, going round and round.

    This was how I felt during our long struggle for children—infertile, guilty as charged. How irrational is that?

    I realize that I suffered a guilt complex along with the depression that descended in the mire of many cycles of IVF.

    Now as a parent of two beautiful adopted children, I’m trying not to pass on the guilt gene.

    And I have some tips on reframing guilt in your life.

    1. Only allow guilt as insight.

    This is the only positive version of remorse. If you’ve genuinely done something wrong, focus on the lesson and the alternative ways you’d act in the future as your “contrition” and motivator to change.

    2. Apologize, and then let it go.

    If you’ve done something that has hurt someone, apologize if you can and then let it go. Accept the gift of forgiveness graciously rather than beating yourself up. And if someone won’t forgive you, accept that your genuine expression of sorrow and regret is enough.

    3. Apply the logic test.

    Most guilt is illogical but it still feels the same way as “useful” guilt. Guilt does not equate to wrongdoing any more than joy equates to a new possession. If it doesn’t make sense (apply the objective test of a judge), then the verdict is “not guilty.”

    4. See guilt as a symptom of fear, more than a sign of caring.

    Often feeling guilty is a symptom of our fear of change—especially when we put off doing something for ourselves.

    You can make excuses that you’d feel bad (guilty) taking time out from looking after others to pursue a passion, when in fact you’re simply scared of chasing your dream. Of course, it’s good to care for others; just don’t use guilt as an excuse to care for yourself.

    5. Be compassionate.

    Start with being gentle with yourself and you’ll learn to be gentle to others. Be gentle with others and you’ll learn to be gentle to yourself.

    Being compassionate means you are “being good,” which should leave you with few (logical) reasons to feel guilty. Being self-compassionate means you’ll find fewer (logical) reasons to hold onto any remaining guilt.

    Guilt isn’t real; it’s only an emotional response, and often an irrational one.

    Compassion, on the other hand, is tangible and felt by others, played out in thoughtful actions, spoken in kind words, expressed in good deeds and in forgiveness.

    Guilt can’t exist where there is compassion, because compassion is understanding and non-judgmental.

    Guilt may have its place in courtrooms, but my verdict is the real answer lies in compassion and gentleness—starting with yourself.

  • Developing Self-Compassion When You Don’t Think You’re Enough

    Developing Self-Compassion When You Don’t Think You’re Enough

    sad face

    “He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.” ~Lao Tzu

    I’m at war with enoughness.

    My stomach isn’t flat enough; I’m not extroverted enough; I don’t have enough money in my wallet; I’m not creative enough; I’m not getting enough work done.

    There are times when the Jaws of Life cannot free me from my expectations and negative self-talk. The battle with enoughness is a vicious cycle. 

    Here’s an example: I’m both shy and introverted, so I’m afraid of being judged and I prefer quiet environments.

    I was easily overlooked in school because I was reluctant to participate verbally in class.

    During work meetings my ideas were mere whispers compared to the loud shouts from some of my extroverted coworkers.

    Because I prefer staying home on Friday nights, my peers often ask me, “What’s wrong?”

    I’ve convinced myself that something must be wrong with me, so when I have the opportunity to do something social, I either don’t go or I walk into the situation feeling self-conscious and inadequate. 

    Both of these choices fuel criticism. “See, I told you so,” my inner critic says. “You really aren’t enough!”

    The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines enough as “occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.”

    When I criticize myself for not being enough or having enough, whose expectations am I trying to meet?

    It’s too easy to point my finger at society—the society that favors those with the loudest voices; equates self-worth with “what I do for a living;” and glamorizes infidelity, drug abuse, and teenage pregnancy. We’re all affected by the society we live in, there’s no question about it.

    With that said, we have to take full responsibility for our lives, and that includes tending to our own impossible expectations. 

    In the words of Mary Oliver, “You must not ever stop being whimsical. And you must not, ever, give anyone else the responsibility for your life.”

    I have good news and I have bad news. Here’s the bad news: No one is coming to save you from your negative self-talk (addiction, abusive relationship, or draining job).

    And the good news? Facing the truth that you’re responsible for your life is incredibly liberating.

    This truth has motivated me to start treating myself better. If you’re anything like me, you’re your own worst enemy, so we could all use a bit more TLC.  Reclaim your self-compassion with the following three steps.

    1. Open your journal and draw a line down the center of the page. 

    For one day, record your self-talk in the left column. Then read over everything you wrote down.

    How many negative things did you tell yourself? How many positive things did you tell yourself? What issues were you especially negative about (for example, body image)?

    The point here is to become more aware of your thoughts. In the right column, write a positive thought next to each negative thought. When you read over the positive list, let the truth of how wonderful and lovable and beautiful you are sink in.

    2. Set realistic goals for yourself. 

    All too often, fueled by our impossible expectations, we set unattainable goals.

    For example, I worked for an English-language newspaper in Germany, and when I went to my first meeting I wanted everyone to like me.

    I had the same goal during the second meeting and all the meetings that followed, so I was hypersensitive to even the tiniest bit of criticism. I continued to be let down, which gave me more reason to criticize myself.

    Be my authentic self during the meetings—now this is a more realistic goal. That way, if my coworker said he didn’t like one of my ideas, for instance, I wouldn’t have taken it as a personal attack.

    3. Every day write down at least one thing (or five things!) you’re grateful for. 

    Remember the children’s book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? Just like Alexander, we’ll have days when everything goes wrong. And that’s okay.

    When you sleep through your alarm clock, your computer crashes and you lose your report, and your date cancels at the last minute, be mindful of the simple things: a hot shower, clean socks, or your dog greeting you at the door.

    Shifting your focus from what you don’t have to what you do have will boost your well-being.

    Changing the way we perceive ourselves will change the way we perceive others.

    If we tell ourselves we’re unlovable because we don’t have a significant other, what’s going to stop us from thinking our friend is worthless when she tells us that she is getting divorced?

    Recently during a yoga class, my teacher said something that made me catch my breath (literally):

    If someone says, “I love you,” it reflects the way she feels about herself; similarly, if someone says, “I hate you,” it reflects the way she feels about herself. I’ve never thought of it this way before, but it makes so much sense!

    Practicing self-compassion is not just for our own benefit; practicing self-compassion also benefits the people around us.

    Photo by Juanedc

  • Win a Free Copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself

    Win a Free Copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself

    Tiny Buddhas Guide Cover 3D

    UPDATE: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. 

    The winners:

    • Antwanette Miller
    • Rebecca

    This may seem like Déjà vu, because I published an almost identical post last Friday. It’s now a new week (soon to be weekend) and a new chance to win a copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself!

    For those of you who already bought a copy, I hope you’re enjoying it!

    And I have a special request for you: Since it’s brand new, there are currently only four reviews on Amazon. (Thank you so much to those of you who responded to my request last week and wrote one!)

    Those reviews go a long way in influencing people who may benefit from the book.

    If you’ve found the site and the book helpful, I would be so grateful if you would take five or ten minutes out of your day to support me and the site by reviewing Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself. 

    Whether you write two words, two sentences, or more, it will make a tremendous difference.

    Now on to today’s giveaway!

    This one’s a little different, in that you won’t be entering to win a copy for yourself; instead, its an opportunity to have a copy mailed to someone you love, directly from my publisher, with a special note from you. 

    About Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself is a collaborative book featuring a collection of stories from Tiny Buddha contributors, along with tips to help you feel good about yourself and your life.

    The book shares 40 unique perspectives and insights on topics related to loving yourself. It will help you:

    • Release shame about your past and the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
    • See yourself as beautiful and valuable, with all your flaws and weaknesses
    • Accept yourself more and judge yourself less
    • Forgive yourself for your mistakes and stop being hard on yourself
    • Minimize the need for approval to feel more confident
    • Let go of the comparisons that keep you feeling inferior
    • Feel complete so that you no longer look to others to fill a void within yourself
    • Find the courage to share your authentic self for deeper connections with others
    • Learn to take care of yourself instead of putting everyone else’s needs first
    • Believe that you’re valuable so you can start creating a life you love

    I started Tiny Buddha and created this book because I believe there is a healing power in recognizing that we are never alone with our challenges.

    And there’s nothing wrong with us for what we’ve been through or what we’re going through.

    No matter how we’ve struggled, no matter what our flaws or weaknesses, we are worthy of being fully seen—and we can make a difference in the world by doing it.

    I hope this books helps you remember, in times of doubt, that you are beautiful, imperfections and all, and you can thrive not in spite of them, but because of them.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, to be mailed to someone you love with a special note from you:

    • Leave a comment on the post sharing one thing you think other people appreciate about you
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Enter to win a free copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself! http://bit.ly/16yY2ru

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step.

    You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, October 28th. Have a great weekend everyone!

  • Book Giveaway: Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself

    Book Giveaway: Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself

    Tiny Buddhas Guide Cover 3DUPDATE: The winners for this giveaway have already been chosen. They are:

    • Sunny Kharbanda
    • UnicaPoet

    It’s been 10 days since the launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, and I’m excited to share that the book has been a bestseller in Amazon’s self-esteem category since then.

    For those of you who already bought a copy, I hope you’re enjoying it!

    And I have a special request for you: Since it’s brand new, there’s currently only one review on Amazon. Those reviews go a long way in influencing people who may benefit from the book.

    If you’ve found the site and the book helpful, I would be so grateful if you would take five or ten minutes out of your day to support me and the site by reviewing Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself. 

    Whether you write two words, two sentences, or more, it will make a tremendous difference.

    Now on to today’s giveaway!

    This one’s a little different, in that you won’t be entering to win a copy for yourself; instead, its an opportunity to have a copy mailed to someone you love, directly from my publisher, with a special note from you. 

    About Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself is a collaborative book featuring a collection of stories from Tiny Buddha contributors, along with tips to help you feel good about yourself and your life.

    The book shares 40 unique perspectives and insights on topics related to loving yourself. It will help you:

    • Release shame about your past and the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
    • See yourself as beautiful and valuable, with all your flaws and weaknesses
    • Accept yourself more and judge yourself less
    • Forgive yourself for your mistakes and stop being hard on yourself
    • Minimize the need for approval to feel more confident
    • Let go of the comparisons that keep you feeling inferior
    • Feel complete so that you no longer look to others to fill a void within yourself
    • Find the courage to share your authentic self for deeper connections with others
    • Learn to take care of yourself instead of putting everyone else’s needs first
    • Believe that you’re valuable so you can start creating a life you love

    I started Tiny Buddha and created this book because I believe there is a healing power in recognizing that we are never alone with our challenges.

    And there’s nothing wrong with us for what we’ve been through or what we’re going through.

    No matter how we’ve struggled, no matter what our flaws or weaknesses, we are worthy of being fully seen—and we can make a difference in the world by doing it.

    I hope this books helps you remember, in times of doubt, that you are beautiful, imperfections and all, and you can thrive not in spite of them, but because of them.

    The Giveaway

    To enter to win one of two free copies of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, to be mailed to someone you love with a special note from you:

    • Leave a comment on the post sharing one thing you love about yourself
    • Tweet: RT @tinybuddha Enter to win a free copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself! http://bit.ly/GTjqRC

    If you don’t have a Twitter account, you can still enter by completing the first step.

    You can enter until midnight PST on Monday, October 21st. Have a great weekend everyone!

  • A Simple Process to Deal with a Hypercritical Mind

    A Simple Process to Deal with a Hypercritical Mind

    Head Hurts

    “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

    “I can’t believe I screwed this up again!”

    “Why did I do that?”

    “This is all my fault!”

    The third grader ruminated as he walked away from the soccer field where his team had tied, two to two. It was their sixth tie in seven games.

    The lone game that was not a tie was a loss. According to this young man, his team’s record was a direct reflection of his worth; therefore, verbal self-deprecation was the only response one should have after such failure.

    His mother waited for him in the parking lot, hoping her ultra-competitive son would cool off from this perceived-to-be-colossal failure before heading home, but she knew how he was and was bracing herself for the usual tirade of self-deprecation.

    The third grader opened the passenger door, felt the synthetic coolness of the air conditioner, and plopped down into his seat.

    “Hi honey. How are you doing?” she asked, trying to gauge her son’s emotions.

    “Bad. We tied again,” he stated.

    “You played well, though,” she remained kind and supportive.

    “No I didn’t. We tied,” he reiterated.

    “You can’t be so hard on yourself. You have another game next week,” she said with concern.

    “Mom! Please just stop! We tied…again! I’m sick of it! I’d rather just lose, but we find a way to tie everyone! We tie the best team in the league, the average team, and then today we tie this crappy team! I’m sick of it!” he shouted, nearing tears, and then explained:

    “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m mad at myself, not at you. I just don’t want to talk about it. I’m a jerk.”

    That third grader was me—still is to a certain extent.

    This third person account was my first memory of being “hyper self-critical,” as my internship supervisor accurately wrote in her evaluation of me a year ago.

    At first I wrote this story in the first person, and I felt the same emotions as I did back in third grade.

    When I wrote it in the third person, I was able to gain distance from the experience, and objectively see how ridiculous I behaved, and how sad it is to see a third grader put that much pressure on himself for something that’s supposed to be fun.

    I am still “hyper self-critical.” Although I may not be throwing a tantrum, yelling at my mom, dad, and teammates, I still have this screaming critic telling me the things I have, am, and will screw up.

    When I was younger, I took great pride in my inner critic.

    I liked that I was hard on myself, that I expected perfection, and when I wasn’t perfect I cursed myself, punched a wall, yelled at a concerned friend or family member, and then isolated myself, promising that I would never screw up again.

    Then, I’d screw up again. The cycle continued.

    I continued this cycle all the way through college. I would start off the semester doing great, and then one missed assignment or one poor quiz score, and I’d berate myself for being stupid and lazy.

    Luckily for everyone around me, I learned to keep my disappointment to myself, so no more self-deprecating rants.

    It wasn’t until I took a class in conflict resolution that I began to question my perfectionist tendencies. In this class we learned a lot about communicating empathetically with co-workers, friends, family members, and significant others.

    However, the internal conflicts, more specifically, the section on self-forgiveness, stuck with me.

    This topic was not a monumental moment that forever changed my life; I don’t really believe in such moments. Rather, it was the first time I pondered the usefulness of being so critical of myself.

    Is it really useful to dwell on mistakes and feel terrible about them constantly?

    No. It was not helpful, but it did not change the content of my thoughts because of this realization, nor did it make me feel any better. Instead I felt frustrated with myself.

    I always looked at mistakes as learning opportunities; however, I never thought of them as acceptable in my mind. I understood that I inevitably would make mistakes, but this understanding conveniently disappeared when I would fall short of my expectations.

    A few months after this class, I started seeing a therapist.

    I justified going to therapy as an educational experience to further my understanding of my major, psychology; however, the truth was I wanted to understand my past and how it has shaped me.

    From therapy, I learned to view past versions of myself from a third person perspective, which allowed me to empathize with the younger me.

    I saw how hard this young boy worked, how much he achieved, and how frequently he felt inadequate and berated himself for everything that could have gone better, either within his control or outside of his control.

    It did not matter to this boy. Coming up short was the result of his effort, no one else. No excuses.

    Eventually, I was able to see some of my failures were not simply a lack of drive and/or intelligence; they were the result of my environment, so naturally I began to blame people, places, and things.

    Mainly I blamed my dad, and my family’s history of bipolar disorder and depression, for my hypercritical mind.

    Seeing things this way allowed me to forgive myself a bit more, but then I was angry with my dad for instilling his hypercritical mind in me.

    A new cycle had started and I felt worse than ever before. As soon as I was by myself, which was often, I would break down thinking about my history, feeling sorry for myself and finally crying.

    Gradually, the blaming dissipated and gave way to acceptance, and I began to actually like the person I am, appreciate my upbringing, and accept but not buy into the hypercritical part of my mind.

    Instead of getting wrapped up in my thoughts and emotions, I learned to see that I am a person having particular thoughts and particular emotions. I am not the thoughts and emotions. I am the action I take.

    I’m all right with the thoughts and emotions that I experience. I’m actually grateful for my mind’s criticism.

    Without the ridiculous criticism my mind concocts, I wouldn’t have my dry sense of humor, my drive to improve, nor would I experience the triumph of realizing that I can have doubts, worries, and negative thoughts, yet still act in accordance with my values.

    I definitely by no means would say, “I’ve figured it out” or anything near that, but maybe I’m just being too critical?

    It’d be unrealistic to expect my mind to think I have perfected anything, but through my experience, I have found the following process useful when dealing with my hypercritical mind:

    • Take a nice, slow breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
    • Ask yourself, “Is this thought useful?”
    • If it is not, thank your mind for the input and…
    • Act in accordance with your values, not your hypercritical mind.

    You don’t have to feel a certain way or have particular thoughts to act in accordance with your values.

    Photo by threephin

  • Love Yourself and Your Life: 7 Reasons to Buy the New Tiny Buddha Book

    Love Yourself and Your Life: 7 Reasons to Buy the New Tiny Buddha Book

    Tiny Buddhas Guide Cover 3D

    10/9/13: The pre-order promotion is now over. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here!

    If you visited the blog any time during September, you likely saw some of the many self-love interviews featuring contributors from the new book Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life.

    I’m excited to announce that today is the official launch date! If you already ordered a copy on Amazon, it’s possible that you already received it, as I’ve recently learned they shipped a little early.

    If you haven’t redeemed the free bonus pack yet, please forward your order confirmation email (for hardcopy or digital, from any book vendor) to bookbonus(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com.

    For those of you who didn’t yet order a copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, today is the final day to receive the self-love bonus pack—including 8 digital items, valued at over $150—as a free gift with your purchase.

    About the Book

    Including 40 blog posts from tinybuddha.com, Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself offers more than just advice; it offers in a window into our shared human experience, and universal lessons we can all apply to feel happier with ourselves and our lives.

    These posts have reminded more than 1.5 million monthly readers that we are never alone, and we don’t have to live life controlled by our inner critic. They touch upon ideas that will help you:

    • Release shame about your past and the limiting beliefs that keep you stuck
    • See yourself as beautiful and valuable, with all your flaws and weaknesses
    • Accept yourself more and judge yourself less
    • Forgive yourself for your mistakes and stop being hard on yourself
    • Minimize the need for approval to feel more confident
    • Let go of the comparisons that keep you feeling inferior
    • Feel complete so that you no longer look to others to fill a void within yourself
    • Find the courage to share your authentic self for deeper connections with others
    • Learn to take care of yourself instead of putting everyone else’s needs first
    • Believe that you’re valuable so you can start creating a life you love
    • The stories are categorized into 10 chapters, connected to each of these themes.

    At the end of each chapter you’ll find four tips—one from each of the four posts in that section. They’re ideas you can turn to whenever you need help changing your thoughts, and consequently, your feelings and experience of the world.

    About the Bonuses

    Today only, anyone who orders Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself will receive instant access to the “Self-Love Bonus Pack,” which includes 8 digital resources, valued at more than $150.

    Those items include:

    • From Coping to Thriving: How to Turn Self-Care into a Way of Life, by Hannah Braime
    • Flowing Through the Void: Creating Miracles Out of Struggles by Activating Presence, Power, and Passion, by Amyra Mah
    • Complete Confidence eCourse, by Emma Brooke
    • An Awakened Life: A Journey of Transformation, by Julie Hoyle
    • Create a Brilliant Vision for Your Life and Business, by Margie Beiswanger
    • 5 Days of Self-Compassion, by Joanna Weston
    • Be You, Unapologetically by An Bourmanne
    • Tiny Wisdom: On Self-Love, by Lori Deschene (me)

    7 Reasons to Buy Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself 

    If you’re still not sure that Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself is worth the cost ($13.50 on Amazon for hardcover, $9.99 for Kindle—both including the free self-love bonus pack for today only), consider these 7 benefits of owning a copy:

    1. The book features 40 candid firsthand accounts of overcoming physical and emotional challenges…

    …including abandonment, abuse, addiction, depression, eating disorders, and obsessive compulsive disorder, to name a few. If you’ve feared that no one can understand or relate to your pain, this guide will help you realize that you are not alone.

    2. You’ll find practical tips to help you deal with a wide range of issues related to self-acceptance and self-love…

    …including insecurity, perfectionism, jealousy, shame, self-judgment, rejection, confidence, self-care, and the fear of being alone.

    3. It’s Tiny Buddha, off the web.

    You could spend time searching through the archives for posts related to loving yourself, and then print them out for reading at home. Or you could purchase this book to have all those stories in one anthology—complete with summaries of the main insights and a collection of related quotes.

    4. You’ll find one story from my experience in overcoming shame, self-loathing, and self-destruction.

    I’ve never before written about my former battle with bulimia. In addition to exploring the lowest point of my struggle, I shared the main message of hope that’s helped me forgive and accept myself, and not just survive, but thrive.

    5. The book is easy to read—at home or on the go.

    With 40 stories in 10 chapters, you can easily read one story each night before bed, or jump around to the sections that feel most relevant to you. And with its compact size, it’s easy to carry in your purse or bag for a boost of clarity and confidence, wherever you go.

    6. Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself has received wonderful advanced reviews.

    As Amanda Owen, author of The Power of Receiving, wrote: “If you are ever hard on yourself—and who isn’t—you need to read this book.” And according to Dr. Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion, “This wonderful collection of personal stories and words of wisdom will help you become kinder and more compassionate to yourself, and ultimately show you how to lead a happier and more fulfilling life.”

    7. It’s a tiny book that can have a massive impact.

    Despite its small size and short stories, this guide explores feelings and challenges that could potentially limit your potential for peace and happiness—and also offers some powerful, effective practices to overcome them so you can feel good about yourself and your life.

    You can order your copy of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here. To claim the self-love bonus pack, forward your order confirmation email (for hardcopy or digital, from any book vendor) to bookbonus(AT)tinybuddha(DOT)com.

    I hope you enjoy reading this book as much as I enjoyed the collaborative process of creating it. As always, I thank you for your loving presence here at Tiny Buddha!

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Mary Dunlop

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Mary Dunlop

    Mary

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Mary Dunlop, a writer and passionate student of life who believes we all have a special gift.

    In her contribution for the book, she shares how she learned to be comfortable in her own skin, and how we can learn to accept and embrace ourselves, just as we are.

    A little more about Mary…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    My name is Mary. I am a forty-seven year old writer. And, to me, self-love did not come naturally. I really had to work at it until finally finding my way through meditation.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Yes, until I began connecting with myself in meditation I never felt my beauty and, no matter how much validation I received from others, I always felt uncomfortable and self-conscious.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Yes, sometimes, my lack of pretense. I had been pretending so much in my life that when I finally let that go and worked toward becoming more authentic, I feared some people would view this as a lack of polish.

    However, it felt good to smile widely and laugh loudly, and soon I discovered that one of the keys to my personal happiness lied in my ability to be myself and feel good about it.  Reaching that level of awareness also helped me attract people who appreciate me and like me just for me.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    One of my biggest mistakes was constantly comparing myself to others and often viewing myself as inferior.

    I spent more than a few years of my life doing that, more time than I put into cultivating my strengths and dreams. Sometimes, I feel badly about that lost time and, when I do, I forgive myself quickly by remembering that at every given time I was doing my best with whatever level of awareness I was at.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I… 

    I’ve noticed that the more I like myself the more other people like me too, or at least, I tend to attract those who do. However, every now and then an instance will occur where someone may not like me or speak negatively about me.

    When something like this happens, I quickly remind myself of first three paragraphs of Don Miguel Ruiz’s second agreement from his book, The Four Agreements:

    “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

    We take things personally when we agree with what others have said. If we didn’t agree, the things that others say would not affect us emotionally.  If we did not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior could not affect us.

    Even if someone yells at you, gossips about you, harms you or yours, it still is not about you!  Their actions and words are based on what they believe in their personal dream. ”

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    For me, the biggest problem was feeling comfortable in my skin, so to be comfortable with others I always had to look a certain way.

    If, God forbid, I had a bad hair day or a couple of extra pounds, I would view everyone else as beautiful swans and me the ugly duckling. Finally, I began to focus within through meditation, more specifically heart centered meditation, and slowly this self-consciousness melted away as I began to see myself in a different light.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    I would say meditate, look within, find your sacred place! Another person can complement you but they can never complete you. Completeness can only be found in having a loving, healthy relationship with yourself.

    Society places much emphasis on being coupled, on finding that one soul mate, but don’t worry about that. Focus instead on your personal development and, once you’ve grown to a certain point and reached a certain place within, you will find the right mate, or rather, the right mate will find you.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    I used to have a fear of people finding me to be “not enough”—not pretty enough, not smart enough, not sophisticated enough, not successful enough. So, as a result, I would become the world’s greatest actress and show people someone other than me.

    What helped me get past that was taking the time I needed to get to know the real me—my likes, my dislikes, my passions, my talents, and my dreams.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    To take good care of myself mentally and emotionally, I need to take good care of myself spiritually. Consequently, for me, the top three things are:

    • Meditation
    • Running
    • Writing

    Through my journey I discovered that, as long as I don’t neglect it, my highly creative soul will always help me find a way to be happy.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Sam Russell

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Sam Russell

    sam-russell

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Sam E.A.B. Russell, a UK-based writer and photographer who considers himself a cynic by nature but tries to prove through his writing that cynics can be happy and positive too.

    In his contribution for the book, he shares some of the common defeatist, limiting beliefs that stand in the way of happiness.

    A little more about Sam…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    I’m a writer and photographer and I live with a smorgasbord of mental health difficulties. I started to develop love for myself when I realized that a) it’s okay for me to be different and b) only I can change my circumstances. That sounds so easy: be cool with yourself and take charge. The thing is, love’s not easy.

    Hate and anger—those are easy. They’re easy and comfortable, though painful, which is why it took me a long while to get myself on the path that I’m on today. Accepting my difference means accepting my flaws. Changing my circumstances means developing courage. Doing those things means looking in the mirror and loving the person who looks back, even on my worst days.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Yes. I’ve grown up feeling “wrong.” Then I figured out that “inside me” didn’t match “outside me.” I was living the wrong gender for most of my life, which is no easy thing to do.

    I didn’t fit the typical gender role I was raised in and I couldn’t access the one I felt more at home in. I was suspended in a very lonely grey area for what felt like forever.

    The hardest thing was figuring that out, getting the language to express how I felt, but wow! What a great feeling when I did realize it and find those words. Now I’m on the path that feels right for me. I’ve got the love and support of my family and friends, which is all I need to do this.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    I’ve always perceived and thought about things differently to others. I was the kid in the class who always used to ask the really weird and awkward questions. I used to get bullied for it by kids and adults alike.

    As an adult, I’m the one who turns the everyday into the surreal when I write. I have a habit of saying the wrong thing too, though I don’t mean anything by it.

    I still get criticized for it and some people have been unbelievably cruel to me. I’m lucky that most now recognize that how I see the world is unique and encourage me in my writing and photography.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    Ugh, not sorting my awful relationship with my Mum before she died. The last thing I felt for her was resentment. I knew things were bad and I was too busy being angry with her to see that she was sick and needed me more than ever.

    I didn’t take the time to say sorry or care or do anything that would have shown her that she wasn’t without me.

    It’s not been easy but I’ve come to terms with this by first forgiving myself. I recognize that I was in a bad place at the time, and that my feelings toward our relationship were a part of that. Forgiving myself means understanding this.

    I’ve spoken to my sister a lot about how Mum loved me regardless of the arguments we had.

    We laugh about the mental things she used to get up to and share the grief of our loss. My sister is a great comfort to me, and usually the first to remind me that, despite the way I felt then, it’s not the way I feel now.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …instantly get upset and confused but later think, “Eh, there are billions of people on this planet. They can’t all like me.”

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    Always with my writing and education. I study so hard and never feel good enough compared to others. I read my favorite authors, find a perfect sentence, and sink into despair. I look at how much work they’ve done, how successful they are and the legacy they’re going to leave behind and think: I can never achieve or live up to that.

    But then I step back, see my life, my illnesses, and my work and think, “Mate, you’re doing damn fine!”

    I’m only able to do this because I read. I’ve been fortunate enough to study writing as a skill so am able to understand how books work, so that helps me get some perspective on my gloomy feelings.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    Nothing is ever complete. Being incomplete is being impermanent, which is being a part of the constant change, the flux called life. It’s better to be complemented, that is reflected and contrasted by another person, than completed by them.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    I’m an unusual person, mostly quiet but prone to articulate outbursts on particular subjects close to my heart. I’m intense and emotionally needy but also loyal and generous. This leaves me vulnerable, and so I hide.

    I don’t go out that much and I have a very tight circle of friends. When I have to engage with others who I’m unfamiliar with, I often put on a mask. Several masks, actually. Layer after layer of unseen protection.

    I take risks when I let people in. I remind myself, in the face of fear and uncertainty, that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Read
    • Eat
    • Create

    I need mental and intellectual stimuli or else I fall apart. The hardest thing for me has been coping without an academic environment since I finished my Masters Degree in 2011. I’ve not been doing a good job of it so it’s even more important that those three things remain constant and strong in my life.

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    Probably being honest, and true to myself. If you go through life lying to yourself, you’re lying to the world too and that kind of deceit benefits no one.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

  • Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Alexandra Heather Foss

    Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself Interview: Alexandra Heather Foss

    Heather

    This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

    Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

    Today’s featured contributor is Alexandra Heather Foss. A freelance writer who has overcome countless difficulties—from childhood trauma to health issues—she values both her tears and smiles, because both have made her who she is.

    In her contribution for the book, she shares why she sees beauty in her scars, and how we can learn to value ourselves not in spite of our pain, but because of it.

    A little more about Alexandra…

    1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

    Perhaps not during early childhood but certainly for the majority of my life self-love has been one of my greatest struggles. Lists full of flaws and insecurities about myself, these are easy to fill, but to have reverence for who I am is a challenge.

    I get there sometimes and then I regress, and this cycle continues season after season. That said, I would not choose another path, not even if it were easier, for I own my journey.

    It is the cycles up and down that have taught me about balance, beauty, even breath. When I breathe in, I see an artist, someone who loves the luscious curves of letters and the words they form. I see a creative spark that is untamed by the most torturous traumas, I see potential, excitement, lyricism, adventure.

    I am someone who has never given up on myself. I am my most loyal companion, a plucky island lover who smiles up at the moon and washes away persistent tears with seawater.

    These are my soul trophies, the shining glories that make me believe I am as worthy of love as any other, especially from myself. And I am grateful for the perilous moments when self-love has been absent, for the lack afforded me contrast, the ability to see that I am as beautiful as I can at times be ugly.

    2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

    Of course I have, for most my life actually. I think because of the traumas I have known, I adopted at a very early age the false belief that I must have deserved pain on some fundamental level, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

    I felt corrupted and I could not believe that it was the sole result of abuse. That seemed like a convenient excuse for something deeper, but therein was the lie. I can tend to wrong just like I can tend to right, as is true for us all I believe, but I am not wrong just for being alive.

    My perception has changed simply because I have devoted myself to self-work. I spend time—in the tub, at the market, when I am writing, sleeping, talking, traveling—trying to better understand my motivations and quite simply the puzzle that is me.

    The larger goal was to understand others, or at least that is what started me down this journey, probably around the time I knew first real pain, but now the quest is of a far more spiritual, and certainly personal nature.

    With every question I ask of myself, or others ask of me, I have to go a little deeper, and the more I learn the more I know I may be wrong sometimes, but I am not wrong.

    3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

    Yes, many times with many flaws, but what feels most relevant to this question will seem strange in that it is certainly not by definition a flaw. Over half my life I believed I was flawed because I was a woman. There was a lot of sexism where I grew up and I felt my femininity was fundamentally flawed.

    It has taken a lot of work to accept the divine feminine within me, to see my emotions as strengths, to believe without doubt that I am not part of an inferior group of people, deserving of objectification and disrespect.

    Through my writing especially, my readers of various genders have showed their appreciation, seeing the beauty in something I never should have believed was a flaw but sadly did, and I am so grateful.

    4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

    In an effort to fit in during childhood I lied one night to be with the popular kids. There were these woods where kids used to hang out and I traversed them, by myself, to for once feel as if I were normal.

    That night turned into one of the worst in my life. It was the night my innocence was taken from me, when my soul retracted so far inwards I thought I would never recover it, and I have been trying to forgive myself that foolish decision, the decision to abandon myself for the acceptance of others, ever since.

    5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

    …feel insecure and vulnerable, and often I hurt myself in an effort to understand.

    6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

    I compare myself all the time to others—with looks, career decisions and achievements, with life choices. I cannot say I have yet let go of comparison, but I am most certainly working on it.

    I know I would not want the life of anyone other than myself but that does not mean when I think about a celebrity I admire, or someone I once knew, I am devoid of fear, worry, or judgment.

    I think comparison can be healthy, in that it can help us learn more about how we truly feel when we measure ourselves against others, noticing how we respond after trying on a certain life path, even just via daydream, but it can also be dangerous.

    Whenever something threatens us to lose ourselves, we have to be especially careful. The way I redirect when I get into a toxic comparative session, whether it be on a social media site or after a fight, is to try and think about something I love about myself.

    So if I feel like I am paralyzed compared to someone I consider mobile, let’s say with career, I go rollerblading, charging myself from the inside with positive energy, and I feel a little less stuck.

    7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

    Good question! I would very gently shake myself out of that philosophy. So much time I wasted feeling like I am not good enough as I am, that I need, the way I need water or air, someone else to integrate all the pieces, to make me feel valuable and complete.

    I may not have been born perfect, and I do love the company of others, especially those I am closest with, but I was born complete—completely me, and that is a beautiful thing.

    8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

    Yes! All the time! Because there are all these “flaws” I see in myself, things I think others will not like if they really knew me. For instance, I can be bossy, and picky, I have lots of psychic and physical wounds that are not especially attractive, I do not laugh nearly enough, or they can be “flaws” others have expressed about me.

    I had one boyfriend who hated my knees, another my feet, hundreds of people throughout the years have criticized my career path, and refusal to conform; even the fact that I am a woman has been a problem for many.

    I struggle expressing my honest self because the society I have known has discouraged my honesty, it decidedly unwelcome.

    Someone asks how I am, and I say “sad,” and they squirm in their seat, sloughing off some remark about the weather to change the subject, so I have had to decide whether to lie and say “fine” when I’m not, or only share the company of those who actually want to know, even if the truth is unpleasant.

    It can be lonely and confusing, feeling like who I am really is not preferable to who others wish me to be, but I’ve spent too much time lying to avoid judgment. I am still working on it but I think realizing that people are going to judge one way or another helps me to accept and project more honestly my “real” self.

    9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

    • Treat myself as I do my closest loved ones (have empathy for myself)
    • Spend more time in silent solitude
    • Honor the things I love most—travel, nature, creativity…

    10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

    My writing makes me feel proud. Hearing from others the impact my words have had on them, it lifts my spirit. I can only hope this feeling continues always.

    *Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.