Tag: self-compassion

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is blogger and life coach Hannah Braime. Formerly self-destructive and dependent on external validation and achievement, she turned her life around by embracing authenticity and spending her time doing things that bring her whole-hearted joy.

In her contribution for the book, she explores why we so often find it hard to do things that are good for us—and how we can work with our resistance, not against it.

A little more about Hannah… 

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

My name is Hannah and I run Becoming Who You Are, the guide to authentic living. I created BWYA in 2010 as a way to process my thoughts and feelings about different personal development material I was reading at the time. Now, I’m passionate about providing tools and resources for people who are creating the lives they want from the inside out.

My journey into self-love has been long and rocky. I experienced many years of crippling self-doubt, a vocal inner critic, and a general sense of not being good enough in any way, shape, or form. During that time, I struggled with self-harm, addiction, and depression. At one point in 2007, I even considered suicide as a viable option for escaping myself and my life.

Coming out of that dark time was a huge turning point for me. For the first time, I decided to put my well-being first.

I started therapy, disengaged from toxic and dysfunctional relationships, and started devouring personal development books and resources. I learned about internal dialogue, Non-Violent Communication, and dedicated time, energy, and resources to nurturing my self-care, inside and out.

Right now, I’m happy, healthy, and have never been more satisfied with the adventurous life I’m creating.

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

One of the most challenging thought patterns I’ve wrestled with, and still have to watch, is the “If only…then things would be different” fallacy. This typically goes something like: “If only I was skinnier/had different clothes/was better at X/had more money/etc., then things would be different.”

This used to be a perpetual thought for me, and I approached life from the default position that I wasn’t enough and needed to change.

Through therapy and counseling, I found that a lot of the negative beliefs I had about myself weren’t really mine—no one is born believing they are somehow inherently flawed or lacking. I had internalized a lack of acceptance I felt from people around me and turned that on myself.

When I was able to examine these beliefs and their origins, I could see them for what they really were, without automatically accepting them as hard truth or acting on them. I also came to realize that I was now responsible for re-inflicting this lack of acceptance on myself and, therefore, I alone was responsible for changing that.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

One of the biggest “flaws” I’ve come to realize, that other people actually appreciate, is my introversion. I used to believe that, in order for people to like me, I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t, and I carried this belief for years until I met my partner.

He introduced me to the Myers-Briggs personality types and it literally changed the way I perceived myself overnight. I’m not pro-labeling and I can appreciate why some people don’t like being put in a personality-shaped box, but recognizing myself as an introvert increased my self-acceptance tenfold.

Once my self-acceptance in this area increased, I was more open to seeing other people’s appreciation of it. My partner, who identifies as an extrovert, has expressed a lot of appreciation for the way I process the world around me, especially because it’s so different to his own.

Equally, friends and clients have commented on my listening and reflective skills, as well as my self-awareness and level of introspection. Before, I was so mired in self-doubt and the idea that I needed to be different around other people, I was closed off to this kind of feedback.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

While I was at university, I got back together with an ex-boyfriend who owed me a lot of money—not because I loved him, but because I was broke. We moved back in together and, unsurprisingly, it was a disaster. The end of the relationship was traumatic, there was a lot of drama, and he never paid me back.

I felt embarrassed and ashamed for being dishonest about my motivations for reuniting with him and judged myself harshly for not acting with integrity.

What helped me forgive myself for this was thinking about my choice from a place of compassion, rather than criticism. In particular, I thought about how I’d feel if a friend was telling me this story, and that helped me connect to the empathy that I was struggling to feel for myself.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…trust that their absence leaves room in my life for people who do.

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

Hmm, what areas haven’t I compared myself to others?! When I was younger, I didn’t really feel like I fit in anywhere and comparing myself to other people became my barometer for judging whether I was “normal” or not. Therefore, I’ve probably compared myself to other people in pretty much every area at some point or another.

Self-acceptance has been instrumental in letting go of these comparisons. Once I started feeling inherently okay as myself, what other people were doing stopped mattering so much. When I find myself comparing now, it’s usually because I’m struggling to accept myself in one way or another.

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

You have everything you need; the right people will complement that.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

Yes, mainly for the reasons I mentioned above. Therapy, personal development, and journaling have all helped me move beyond that, as has remembering that it’s a day-by-day process.

When I first started my self-love journey, I thought the end goal was to be 100% authentic in every situation. Over time, I’ve come to realize that’s not the goal for me; what’s more important is for me to accept myself as I am, including the fact that I might still struggle to show my “real” self from time to time. When I accept that, it becomes a lot easier to be real.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

• Get enough sleep: It’s the single thing that’s made the biggest difference to my quality of life.
• Journal: It helps me process the world and my experiences
• Exercise: I feel a lot better, physically and mentally, when I make time to be active.

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

I feel proud of my website. Although the Internet is crowded, climbing onto the digital soapbox and sharing my thoughts and opinions feels like a very vulnerable thing to do at times.

I also find it easy to convince myself that I’m not really sharing anything that people don’t already know, so when I receive an email from someone who has had a “click” moment or feels inspired by something they’ve read on Becoming Who You Are, it’s incredibly rewarding.

Even if there’s just one person who can take away something that resonates, that they can use to be more real with themselves and the world around them, then it’s worth the time and energy.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Kayla Albert, a Social Media Specialist by day and a personal growth blogger by night.

In her contribution for the book, she shares her experiences with jealousy, along with a few tips to let it go and celebrate our own greatness.

A little more about Kayla…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey. 

My relationship with self-love is a work in progress for me. I will embrace her when I am in tune with my greater purpose and tapped in to my journey, and turn her away when I’m entertaining those pesky feelings of inadequacy.

Luckily, the latter stopped coming around as often once I established a habit of meditating and checking in with myself on a daily basis.

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

Throughout most of my childhood and up through my teenage years, I always felt as if I was on the periphery of every group. Surface ties said that I belonged, and I had several close friends, but I never fully felt comfortable in my own skin.

I managed to go through the motions of what other kids my age were doing, but I felt things too deeply and was constantly consumed by my own thoughts. In my mind I was “different” and would never feel quite right around anyone.

As I got older, I stopped fighting what it was that made me “different,” learned to nurture my spirituality, quiet my spinning mind, and insert myself into groups of people that already spoke my language. It turns out I wasn’t the “wrong” person; I was just in the wrong place.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”? 

I’ve always been largely opinionated and passionate about sharing. My family knows how boisterous I can be, but I went through a period where I rarely voiced my opinion—especially if it was amongst people that were already opinionated, or whose opinions I thought would differ from my own.

I toned down my voice—or turned it off completely—because I thought people appreciated silent agreement more than anything else.

Throughout the years I’ve learned that my opinions offer a snapshot of who I am and where I’ve come from, and people embrace those who are willing to speak their truth, even when it’s not popular.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

I believe that the forgiveness would need to be given for feeling as if something was a mistake in the first place.

Every decision I’ve made and relationship I’ve participated in was a reflection of where I was at the time, mentally, physically and emotionally. I cannot judge anything I have done in the past with the knowledge and experience I have today.

I am not privy to the larger picture that is my past, present, and future; I can only have faith that everything is working together in a way that is more powerful than any regret I may have.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…wonder what I spark in them that is pushing them feel to that way.

Anytime someone doesn’t like me, I know that it’s about that person—their past experiences, beliefs, relationships, not me. I’m just acting as the mirror they’re looking through.

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

I’ve always had a deep struggle with comparing where I am in my life with where my peers are. This has led me to feel behind in every area, no matter the fantastic strides I have been able to make.

Through this struggle, I’ve learned to remind myself that we have all set off from different starting points, we will all encounter different obstacles along the way, and we all have different life lessons to learn. The only productive comparison I can make is between myself today and myself yesterday.

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

You will always be disappointed.

The universe has a way of steering us off this path of outside fulfillment, repeatedly, if need be, so there will never be a happy ending as you imagine it. You are on this journey to become whole and no person can permanently fill any hole that needs filling. They have their own journey to tend to.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

This was the theme of my adolescence. I would spend years socializing with the same group of people but feel as if they never really knew who I was at my core.

The biggest change came when I learned to accept and embrace the time I spent alone. I didn’t use relationships as time fillers; instead, I opened myself to the possibility of positive, new relationships with people that I could connect with on a much deeper level.

The relationships I found allowed me to express who I really was and, in turn, present that person to the rest of the world.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

• Surround myself with love
• Meditate (even if it just leads to a nap)
• Exercise

I recognize that my mind and body are connected in ways that I may not even be aware of. For this reason I need to care for both my body (with exercise) and mind (with meditation).

Surrounding myself with friends and family reminds me to express gratitude and gives me hope for what my future may hold.

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world? 

We are all struggling with different challenges on a daily basis. I feel proud when I’m able to offer insight to someone that might lighten their load, change their perspective, or give them hope that there’s a larger plan they might not be seeing at the moment.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Wendy Miyake, a writer and teacher who blog at Momochan Conquers the World and strives to hold onto her inner child as long as she can.

In her contribution for the book, she shares her experiences in becoming more authentic, and how we can benefit from being genuine, even when we’re scared to really put ourselves out there.

A little more about Wendy…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

I’m a forty-one-year-old writer and teacher. I am the daughter of two elementary school teachers, one of which would love it if I got a full time job as a teacher. The other one, my mother, always talks me out of it and tells me to follow my dream of being a writer.

I am currently in the process of finding an agent for my picture book manuscript, The Sky Blanket. And I am working through a revision of my young adult novel, The Daughters of Kasumi.

My self-love journey really began a few weeks before my fortieth birthday when our termite man told me that I was going to love turning forty. I stared at him rather skeptically because if forty was anything like thirty-nine, all I saw in my future was a lot of sighing.

I didn’t have a full time job. I wasn’t married. I had no kids to my name. I lived with my parents. And my new novel manuscript was going nowhere. In my mind, I thought, this guy may know termites but he knows nothing about a female turning forty

But you know, he was so right. There was something about turning forty that was magical and almost surreal. I’m not going to say it solved everything and I lived happily ever after. But something big definitely shifted.

I think it’s because at forty, you can finally see death on the horizon. In your twenties, he’s not even a shadow yet. In your thirties, maybe you can make out a silhouette. But when you hit forty, oh, you see him. And if that’s not motivation to live the life you want to live now, I don’t know what is.

Suddenly, at forty, I liked who I was and I knew now what I wanted. I wanted to continue to write picture books and novels. I wanted to meet an awesome man in my life who would knock my socks off.

I wanted to travel and see more of the world. I wanted to continue growing my blog. I wanted to love the people already in my life who have seen me through every obstacle and triumph that I’ve experienced. These were the things that really mattered to me. 

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

When I was in my late thirties and still unmarried, I thought there was something wrong with me because it seemed like everyone else my age was married. I thought, “Why not me?”

The truth is I don’t think I was ready yet. I didn’t know who I was and I certainly didn’t like who I was at the moment. But when I turned forty, I began to see what was unique and interesting about me and I began to like that girl very much. And when I like me for who I am, that means someone else can.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

I always used to think I was too honest. I can’t help it. I’m one of those people that when I was three, I announced to the entire doctor’s office that my dad had diabetes. He had a slight blood sugar problem but apparently after I learned the word I needed to tell everyone.

I don’t know if I’ve gotten any better at forty. But one of my close friends said to me that she thought honesty was one of my best qualities. “If you were just honest, that would be hard. But you’re kind too. You think about people’s feelings before you say something.” Imagine that. Honest and kind.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

My biggest mistake has been listening to other people. I think parents and friends really care about you so they don’t want you to suffer the road of a dreamer. They want you to be practical and get a full-time state job and work until you retire and then you can do what you want.

I listened to them for a while but inside I’ve always known that I needed to do something creative. While I still teach as a day job, I’m moving more and more of my time to writing.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…move on.

At forty, I just don’t have the patience to care about what every single person thinks about me. It’s too hard to please everyone!

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

In my thirties, I felt like I needed to have the house, the man, the kids, the dream job, the whole nine yards of success because the people around me seemed to have that. That seemed to be the standard of happiness. But when you really get to know people, you realize that everyone has some area in their life that they feel insecure about.

That’s when I started to feel grateful for what I had. Yes, I lived at home with my parents but if I didn’t, I would’ve never known my parents as people and I would’ve never been as big a part of my nephew’s life as I am now. And because I wasn’t married, I had the freedom to dream and travel and have all these experiences that have helped me grow as a person and a writer.

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

If I could go back and tell my younger self something, I’d tell her to listen to her own voice. Get quiet and ignore everyone else. Take your time and get to know yourself as an individual so that when you do find someone who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you walk together on the path, side by side, not one following the other.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

There have been many instances where I have not wanted to share my real self with others. In some situations especially when I was younger, I was definitely afraid. I didn’t want to show my true self or true feelings because it seemed like a sign of weakness.

While I do feel like I know my real self now that I’m older, I also feel less of a need to share that person with everyone. I think your real self is very precious and you should also be selective as to whom you share that part of you with.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

Paying attention to my feelings, resting, and dreaming.

Once I get disconnected from my feelings then I have no compass to navigate everyone else’s voices. I make it a point to journal or meditate when I can. The main thing is to get quiet so I can hear my heart.

While I say resting is important, it is something I am not good at. I am the daughter of a Type A father. We know work. But I found that when I do rest, I get good ideas, way better ideas than when I keep working at something.

I think dreaming is one of the most important things in my life. I know it may sound corny but if you have a dream, life does have so much more meaning. I feel very honored to be working as a writer.

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

I don’t think I was always about making a difference in the world especially with my writing. But after my favorite uncle died and the earthquake and tsunami happened in Japan, I realized that my intention for writing really changed.

Writing isn’t just about me anymore. I want to write things that will matter, that will make a positive impact in other people’s lives even if it’s just in a small way. To remind myself of why I write and why stories are so important in healing the heart, I watch NHK documentaries on the survivors of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.

I feel a strong connection with the children who were affected. I don’t think any child should have to face loss alone. When I hear their stories, I hold them in my heart and that’s what I write from now.

In fact, my picture book manuscript, The Sky Blanket, was written with my uncle and the survivors in mind. I want the children to have something to hold onto so that they will know in their hearts that love never dies.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Julia Manuel, a writer, strategic communications specialist, and assistant with a Baptiste-affiliated yoga studio.

Her contribution for the book explores how we can live authentically instead of playing roles.

A little more about Julia…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

My journey of self-love is a newer expedition. I spent most of my life striving to be the best at everything, piling too much on my plate, and being jealous of others.

Although I still have an existential crisis occasionally and ask myself, “Why am I not living the slow life on an island rather than hustling around Northern Virginia?” I enjoy sharing my time at home with my husband, our dog, and our friends.

Being surrounded by others’ positivity is an inspiration to reflect what they emit. I want to help others feel relaxed, appreciated, and loved, and I believe that energy is emitted from within. I work on loving myself so I can give that back to the people I encounter.

2. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

Someone complained to a mutual friend that I laughed too loud. For years, I’d muffle my laughter, hide my smile, and maintain composure when I was excited. I believed if someone complained, then these traits really were flaws.

I think maturity was the turning point. The more comfortable I felt in my own skin and the more I loved myself, I realized that laughing loudly is an expression of how much joy and happiness I feel. It’s not the laughter of a hyena, but a deep, boisterous, riotous laugh.

When people tell me, “I could hear you coming from a mile away you were laughing so hard,” it makes me laugh even more. I could be known for worse, right? Is it wrong to say that you love your own laugh? It reminds me that I live life to the fullest.

3. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

Those with tremendous empathy must be careful that other people don’t use our warmth to fill a void, because we’re left exhausted. I let someone sponge off my energy so much that I lost myself. I wanted to help this person realize they were worthy of love and friendship, but it was parasitic, and I was left with nothing.

The tables turned and I become the person who needed to feel loved and worthy. I clung to a new friend too fast and scared them because my actions were needy, desperate, compulsive, and negative.

It’s been a slow process to forgive myself, but I remind myself that it is okay to leave the person you were in the past. I’ve learned to take ownership of my mistake and decided the only way to forgive myself would be to live in the present. When you’re present, there is no past or future.

4. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me…

…I am finally okay with that.

5. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

A friend and I have gone to yoga classes together for three years. We roll out our mats next to each other, and for the first few months, every time we’d hit Warrior One, or crescent lunge, or chair pose, I’d peek over at her and think, “Geez, why am I not that close to my mat?! I’m not bending my knee enough or squatting low enough.” And then I beat myself up over it.

One day, in the middle of class I realized, “Wait a second, I’m like a foot taller than her!” I know that’s the silliest example ever, but comparing ourselves to others is just that—silly. I was trying to convince my body to do things it simply couldn’t just to mimic someone else because what I saw was beautiful, calm movement.

It’s so easy to compare. Someone at work dresses nicer than you or is a more eloquent speaker. Your friend is a perfect mother or amazing chef. Your partner always has their head on straight. What we need to recognize is the line between comparison and appreciation.

One thing I learned from my yoga community is that I am right where I need to be. I’ve always strived to be an individual. When I’m down, I actually make a list of things I like about myself or what I’ve accomplished in the past year. When you love yourself, it’s easier to look at others and acknowledge their strengths rather than be jealous of them.

6. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

You are good enough.

7. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

• Finding Solitude. I recharge alone in silence whether that’s hiking, yoga, reading, etc.
• Yoga. Yoga practice has bridged my mind and body. My thoughts are peaceful and collected and my body is strong. I carry that strength and peace off the mat. I also strive to practice the teachings of yoga toward other to maintain balance. We have to take good care of others too!
• A good cry. I’m not ashamed to admit it, but I think crying is a great emotional release. I always feel so relaxed after expelling all of that pent up energy and able to take on the world.

8. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

I love being of service to others. Recently, this has been in the form of sharing my knowledge and helping friends write essays or scholarship applications, sharing my teacher training experience with friends who want to become certified, mentoring new hires at work, surprising friends with a good bottle of wine for no reason.

I love the community built from reciprocating good deeds and sharing.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Lucy H.Pearce, who runs Dreaming Aloud.net, a blog about motherhood, creativity, and mindfulness; and The Happy Womb.com, a site offering empowering women’s resources.

Her contribution for the book focuses on ways to overcome perfectionism.

A little more about Lucy…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

I am a mother of three young children, author of four women’s non-fiction books, pro-blogger, artist, teacher and contributing editor at a natural parenting magazine.

Listing that just makes me feel tired, but I am also a life-long perfectionist, and believer that, even when I am dropping dead from exhaustion, I am a lazy ass who needs to get her butt in gear.

My internal monologue sticks at “You are not doing enough…” I try to counteract this lovingly on a daily basis. My simplest tool for doing this is my “done” list, rather than “to do” list, which lists everything I have accomplished in the day. 

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

I think there is more wrong with me than right. I’m my own worst critic and struggle to stay the right side of sane on a daily basis. I am someone who always tends to take too much on, in a mad bid to stay sane.

It’s a funny old mix. I have a hundred passions—all leading me in different directions. If I “take it easy” I get miserable pretty fast. I love what I do, and do what I love. But I also live with anxiety, bi-polar, and have three small children in tow.

Sometimes I find myself getting so mad with them and myself for holding me back. But as a massage therapist once said to me, they are what keeps me grounded; without them I’d be spiraling off too far and fast. 

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

Discovering that I was bi-polar a couple of months back was transformative for me. I was so scared of letting people know, it felt like such a big deal. Like how coming out must feel; I was prepared for rejection.

What I was not prepared for was the out-pouring of love toward me. Or the fact that no one was surprised.

Instead, I was getting emails and messages saying that they were glad I had this thing that scared me so much—glad because it was what helped me to do my creative work which they loved so much; glad because I was someone who would be able to share my experiences in managing it creatively and naturally with others; grateful for my giving voice to what is often left unspoken and silent.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…curl up in a ball and cry. I’d love to have some big clever answer, but it’s true.

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons? 

Oh, I’m good at the comparison thing. Most especially when it comes to mothering, and tidy houses. I get my knickers in such a knot about my house being a mess—and how it shouldn’t be.

I know that for someone who does the amount I do, who has three little kids and struggles with health issues that I need to let this go, but I feel so judged, as though not living in a show home makes me some sort of moral failure.

I make no apologies that I prefer painting pictures or writing books to cleaning my house, but I feel I should. 

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that? 

This is something I’ve really struggled with. I’ve always felt a bit odd, different to “normal” people, a feeling that was certainly reinforced by childhood bullies. I really tried to be normal and keep my weird bits under wraps.

It’s something I really had to get out of the way in order to be able to publish my first book Moon Time. Not only was it my first book, and self-published, but it was on the menstrual cycle—not the easiest conversation starter!

But here’s the thing: in order to write it, I had to get over myself as flawed, deeply embarrassing, and requiring hiding away. I had to be open, and honest. Getting over myself was part of the process of writing it.

The same with starting to paint again and having my first professional exhibition. I felt totally vulnerable and exposed doing this, but that was part of the process.

The myth is that you get your confidence first and then you live your dream. The truth is that you do your dream, feeling scared, becoming it all the time. And through it you become your dream, you become the you, out loud, that you’ve always been hiding from, and hiding from others.

It’s an immense act of courage. It feels like you’re going to die. But instead you come out the other side freer.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

What’s helped me most, the past couple of years, is to be able to put “labels” to what I suffer with, rather than me just being a loser.

When I realize that I am managing conditions, then self-care becomes not a luxury but a necessity. Managing my mental health is as vital for me as for a diabetic or an asthmatic managing their condition.

The most important thing for me is knowing when to “stop the lights.” Either I or someone I love waves a flag when things are getting out of control, the panic is rising, and I’m getting overwhelmed, and I stop.

I drop everything go to bed or watch a movie with the kids, postpone appointments, abandon my to-do lists for a few hours, and cull them.

Though everything feels vital and urgent, I stop. Drop everything, and take care of myself: breathe, force myself outside and away from the computer, have a glass of water and do beans on toast for dinner.

The world will keep on turning with me on “go slow” for a few hours. The ego won’t let me believe this, but it will. If I died, it really would keep on turning. So I can die to the world for a few hours, it will all be here in the morning. 

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world? 

Sending out orders of my books and moon dials, and getting emails back from women around the world saying how my words have changed their lives. I will never get tired of that, nor forget what a blessing it is to do my work.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is Julie Hoyle of True Alignment. Having experienced a profound spiritual awakening, she now teaches others to transform self-limiting beliefs, expand in consciousness, and access their innate gifts, skills, and talents.

Her contribution for the book explores how we can come home to ourselves by embracing our shadow side.

A little more about Julie…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

I was born in the UK and have called the Bahamas my home on and off for close to thirty years. In 1989, while living in the capital New Providence, I had a lucid dream.

In the dream, I was tapped on the head by a Yogi in a white loin cloth. Later, I discovered the Yogi was Bhagawan Nityananda, a revered Indian saint who died in the 1960’s.

His touch was radical and life-changing in a way that I could never have anticipated.  I was graced with lucid dreams with Saints from diverse paths and traditions who gave teachings and guidance.

In the waking state I was forced to face my inner demons, or what is now commonly referred to as the Shadow. Through this work I began to wake up to the realization that we can only love who we are if we have the courage to accept and transform the darkness within.

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

I always felt like I never fit in. For example, I could never fathom why most people seemed obsessed with material accumulation and success.

For a while I tried to be the same, but I could not do it. The result was I began to believe there was something fundamental missing in me.

This created pain, discontent, and feelings of isolation. The weight of this pain was so wretched, my spiritual search was focused on finding someone or something that could show me what was missing.

Happily, without consciously realizing it at the time, I began what enlightened masters describe as “the path of return,” the path back to who we are. During the course of this journey, I began to appreciate that “feeling like we don’t fit in” is a blessing. It is typical of people who are mystics.

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

The flaw was being a natural intuitive. As a child, I would know things about a person without him or her saying anything.

I also had otherworldly experiences and angelic visitations, which I assumed everyone else had too. However, one day I realized that this was not the case. When I was fourteen, I decided it was best to keep quiet about this aspect of my life.

Following a debilitating back problem in my early thirties (prior to Nityananda’s gift of initiation) I became conscious of trying to “stay safe” by closing myself down. From that moment on, I felt compelled to change the dynamic.

Changing the dynamic meant having the courage to share. In the beginning I began writing articles for Mind-Body-Spirit magazines. Then I wrote an E-book about my radical awakening. Later, the work grew to online courses and spiritual counseling.

Looking into the face of my fears has been life-changing. In an organic and beautiful way it has led me to my purpose.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

This is difficult to answer. I really don’t believe in mistakes as such. Everything is a lesson we can learn and grow from. Everything has its own perfection, its own grace.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…do two things:

• I look inside and reflect on whether I may have said something or acted in a way that may be interpreted as being insensitive or unkind.
• If nothing jumps out in response to #1, I leave it alone. I don’t attempt to change the perception by working to win him or her over.

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

I have never been obsessive about material accumulation. However, when I was in my twenties and early thirties, I would look at what others had and feel less accomplished.

Then I began to realize that appearances are deceptive and that many people live their lives in debt. I did not want that.

I decided my goal would be to keep things simple. Ever since, I have made a determined effort to make sure that if I die tomorrow I will not be leaving anyone in a financial hole.

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

The secret to health and wholeness is to value and appreciate yourself; no one else can do that for you. Only you can make you feel whole.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

For a large part of my life I was tentative and circumspect about revealing my intuitive gifts. I was terrified of being judged or thought of as weird, so I kept things pretty much under wraps.

However, in 2008 my husband and I lost the whole of our life savings when our bank went into liquidation. It was a dramatic wake-up call.

I decided, “To hell with it! If everything is gone I am going to do what I have always wanted to do (which is write, share and counsel), I am going to let things rip and see what happens.” This was the best decision I ever made or I should say, was made for me by dramatic circumstance!

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally? 

• Meditation.
• Exercise, which usually includes swimming, hiking, or cycling.
• Laugh as much as possible and remember not to take myself too seriously

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

Proud is not a word I would use. Being aligned with purpose is integral to wellbeing for me.

Teaching others how to access, listen to, and act on their innate wisdom is incredible. It keeps me in check. It tasks me to be authentic and to reflect integrity.

I love supporting people to wake up. To realize we have the wherewithal to transform challenges and create positive, lasting changes in our lives is a joy. I am honored and grateful to be a part of this alchemical process of self-recognition.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is life coach Emma Brooke, a yogini with a passion for figuring out how people tick and using that to help them find space and clarity in their lives.

Her contribution for the book focuses on letting go of insecurities.

A little more about Emma…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

I picked up yoga when I was 19 in university and finally found a place where there was no competition and no expectations. All the pressure I put on myself and all the expectations of my parents and being the first in the family to go to college fell away, and I finally realized what it meant to relax.

From there, it was years before I had the courage to follow my own path. I’m still walking a tightrope between parental expectations and my own journey, but I’m making great progress.

I trained in counseling and hypnotherapy part-time alongside a full-time job, and now work with other stressed out women to help them stay present and get in touch with their own inner wisdom.

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

Hasn’t everyone? I often worry that I will always be thinking that the grass is always greener and that I should be like everyone else who accepts that they have to work fifty hours a week for someone else, doing something they aren’t excited about, in order to earn money to live the life they want to live in four weeks a year.

I hope I never convince myself that settling is acceptable. I want to believe I can do good and have fun and make enough money to eat!

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

I have always been quite analytical and logical, which can come off as unfeeling or emotionally challenged. I spent a long time trying to be more emotional and expressive so people didn’t think I was a heartless cow.

However, I’ve realized that it wasn’t that I couldn’t feel; it was that I was being mindful and accepting of my feelings rather than letting them control me.

This is what I now teach—how to not let your emotions or other people dictate how you feel so you can choose how you feel, and feel your emotions from a safe place. People now pay me to teach them my flaw!

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

This is a hard question for me because I really have trained myself to look at everything as a gift or a lesson—living life without regrets!

There are of course life decisions that have affected me in a negative way. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 17, which contributed to an eating disorder I developed in my early twenties.

I also stayed in a relationship with a long-term partner who manipulated me into being someone I neither wanted to be, nor felt comfortable being (and eventually broke up with him—on Christmas).

Despite these mistakes, I don’t regret them. They taught me so many valuable lessons and made me a much stronger person.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…remember that I’m unique and therefore not for everyone, and that generally the traits you don’t like in other people point to similar traits you want to work on in yourself.

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

I used to spend far too much time and energy comparing myself to other people. Work and school were biggies, fueled by parental expectations.

Through yoga I slowly learned to accept myself for who I was and began to see the value in me, rather than the flaws. This is my journey. It doesn’t matter what course it takes, it will always be mine and for me. 

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you? 

It can make a great Band-Aid, but that’s all it is. Sometimes it’s necessary to bolster your self-esteem but try to remember that everyone and everything is transitory.  You may not always have these people in your life.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

For a very long while I hid my hypnotherapy and counseling training from work colleagues and friends in case they judged me.

As I’ve got older I have surrounded myself with friends who I can be myself around and who appreciate my uniqueness. Finding “your people” and knowing you’re following your own intuition and are on the right path helps you be your authentic self.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

• Yoga and meditation. I generally only take 15-20 minutes a day to practice, but it keeps the practice of mindfulness at the forefront of everything I do.
• Fresh air and space. I get claustrophobic in London, even though I live by the river, so I go back to my childhood home in North Wales at least every month.
• My Scottie dog, Sam. He reminds me what it’s like to love unconditionally and have fun for the sake of having fun when he goes mental and runs round in circles for no apparent reason and then curls up in my lap when I need a hug.

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

My work makes me proud. I help people find their intuition and relax and I also volunteer as a compassion for an isolated elderly lady. I might not be changing anything on a global scale, but I get to hear the joy in peoples’ voices and see the smiles on their faces when they feel better, and that’s an incredible feeling.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.

This month we’re celebrating the upcoming launch of Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself, a book about taming your inner critic that features 40 stories from Tiny Buddha contributors. 

Throughout September, you’ll have a chance to meet some of them through daily interviews here on the blog.

Today’s featured contributor is life coach Joanna Z. Weston, who formerly struggled with depression and now helps others find a way out.

Her contribution for the book urges us to celebrate how far we’ve come in life instead of focusing on everything we think we lack or should have done by now.

A little more about Joanna…

1. Tell us a little about yourself and your self-love journey.

I’ve struggled with depression, shyness, and general insecurity most of my life, so self-love has never come easily for me. I doubt that it ever will come very easily, which is why I am so well-suited to helping other people learn to do it; I know just how hard it is to practice self-love, so I will never take it for granted!

2. Have you ever felt there’s “something wrong with you”? If so, why, and what’s helped you change your perception?

Something? Try everything! I have hated (in no particular order): my body, my sense of humor, the talents I have, the fact that I lack the talents I lack, my strong opinions, and my general world view (because it was different from my peers).

Not so coincidentally, those are the exact same reasons why my friends and husband claim to like me so much.  Go figure!

3. Have you ever thought something was a flaw only to realize that other people actually appreciate that about you? What was the “flaw”?

I’ve spent most of my life feeling not like a square peg in a round hole, but more like a non-Euclidean peg in a round hole. It’s not anything specific I can really point to.  My whole way of looking at the world is just 15 degrees off from center.

I do very odd things with words. I get way too excited about things that most people just do not care about, and am bored by the things that other people find fascinating.

I’m too weird for normal people, but don’t fit in any better with the geeks and the other freaks, because I suck at conforming to their standards almost as much as I suck at conforming to the normal ones!

But apparently this is what my friends like about me. It’s hard to let go, but the people who don’t appreciate it don’t matter. Not really.

4. What was your biggest mistake (that you’re willing to share), and what helped you forgive yourself?

I had a serious interpersonal kerfluffle during college, and I spent years and years dwelling on it. What finally let me move on was a combination of a lot of things, but mostly realizing that, when it was happening, there was really nothing else I could have done, given who I was and where I was in my life.

There were better ways of handling it, but I didn’t have access to them. Time also helped; it may not completely heal all wounds, but it does allow scabs to form if you can avoid picking them off.

5. Complete this sentence: When other people don’t like me, I…

…used to either desperately try to make them change their minds, or else become defensive and bitter. Now I try to take a deep breathe and remember that their opinions are their business, and have little to do with me.

6. What are some areas in your life where you’ve compared yourself to other people, and what’s helped you let go of these comparisons?

The only thing I’ve found that helps me to stop comparing myself (negatively, of course) to everyone else is to love myself better. To honor my true strengths, rather than downplaying them as “easy” or “not important.”

It has been really, really hard for me to learn that the things I excel at are valuable, and also that I don’t have to be good (or even competent) at everything. There is something to be said for improving your weak areas, but there is also a lot to be said for focusing on and honing your strengths.

Something else that has been helpful is surrounding myself with people who don’t feel a need to put me down in order to elevate themselves. It isn’t necessary and it isn’t healthy, for me or for them.

7. What’s one thing you would tell your younger self about looking to other people to complete you?

It’s a lovely idea, but it won’t work. You cannot truly accept anything from someone else that you can’t give to yourself, at least in some small way. That is true for love, forgiveness, acclaim, pride, and pretty much everything else worth feeling or having.

It’s not that other people can’t give you those things in part—they can and they do and they will!—but you won’t be able to feel the truth of their gifts until you can offer the same things up to yourself.

Oh, and don’t beat yourself up if you have trouble putting that into practice—nobody really has that one down perfectly.

8. Have you ever felt afraid to show people your “real” self? Why—and what’s helped you move beyond that?

I’m actually terrible at keeping my real self hidden, though I’ve often wished it were otherwise—it would make my life a hell of a lot easier! But in reality, I think that has been a great blessing for me.

If I were better able to hide my true self to fit in, I might never have worked up the courage to let it out. As it is, I struggled a lot in social situations (particularly in elementary school), but I eventually learned how to avoid the people who didn’t understand me and surround myself with supportive friends.

9. What are the top three things you personally need to do to take good of yourself, mentally and emotionally?

I absolutely must spend time every day in some sort of spiritual communion—prayer, meditation, and gratitude are essential. Getting enough sleep (no less than 7 hours, ideally 8 or 9) is also critical, as is eating properly (which can vary from day to day, but definitely involves getting enough protein and eating frequently).

And to be honest, a lot of that changes based on circumstances. I’m ordinarily solitary, so sometimes taking care of myself means forgoing a good night’s sleep in order to stay up late with friends. But if I’m living in any sort of communal setting (even for a day or two), it is absolutely vital that I have some time away from other people.

For me, it’s important to respect irrefutable truths about who I am, but also to stay flexible and responsive.

10. What’s something you do regularly that makes you feel proud of the difference you’re making in the world?

My coaching. I truly believe that helping more people to genuinely know and love themselves, to honor their strengths and bring their potential to life, is the most important thing I can be doing.

The world needs more people who are motivated by joy and fewer people who are motivating themselves through bitterness, hatred, and fear. Those do not motivate people to live with compassion, and that is what this world really needs.

There is a myth that happiness causes complacency, but that’s just a story we tell ourselves to justify our misery. If you are truly happy, if you truly love yourself, if your cup truly runneth over, then you will naturally want to help other people.

Suddenly, it’s no longer hard to loan a friend money, or watch someone’s kids for the afternoon, or make the effort to shop at local stores, or throw out your trash instead of tossing it on the ground. If I can help bring more of that energy into the world, then I’m doing pretty damn well.

*Note: I edited this post to remove info about the pre-order promotion, which ended on October 8, 2013. You can learn more about Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Loving Yourself here.