Tag: scared

Are You Betting On Yourself Or Against Yourself?

“The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.” ~Paulo Coelho

I stood there in the parking lot of my apartment complex, with the hot Phoenix sun beating down on me, as I watched him drive away for what I thought would be the last time.

With tears rolling down my cheeks, I went inside my apartment after his car had turned the corner and was out of sight.

When the door closed behind me with that familiar thud, I could almost feel the loneliness swallow me up.

We met nine months earlier and quickly fell in love. But his time in Arizona had come to an end when he graduated from ASU. With no jobs in sight in Phoenix, he was hitting the highway and driving back to his hometown of Seattle to use his contacts to find work.

I wanted to go with him, but I was afraid of leaving all that was comfortable and familiar to me.

When he drove away, with his car filled to the brim with all his belongings, I imagined my life without him. I knew I my life would carry on, as I would wake up every morning, go to work, come home, and hang out with friends and family on the weekends. Perhaps even months down the road, I would probably start dating again.

Life would inevitably continue—but without him. The thought of being in love with someone who I’d never see again was a hard thing to swallow.

Step Right Up and Place Your Bets

Every day, moment by moment, we make choices. Some of those choices seem inconsequential. Most of us only feel the burden of choice when we are faced with one of those “big life decisions.”

Taking a new job, moving to a new city, starting a business, or having a child, just to name a few. (more…)

January 10, 2013
How Fear Can Deepen Joy and Love If We Let It

“Fear has its use but cowardice has none.” ~Gandhi

On Monday, my boyfriend and I took a ferry to Catalina Island, where we planned to spend the night.

I knew the island would be quaint and charming, which was a big part of its appeal, but I was mostly looking forward to breathing in the salty ocean air.

From vacations enjoyed with beachside lounging, to summer days spent running along the shore, some of my favorite memories involve the hypnotic lilt of crashing waves.

We hightailed it to the upper deck as soon as we dropped our bags, allowing ourselves the best possible view of any jumping dolphins we might encounter.

It wasn’t long before we picked up some speed, but this didn’t deter me from sticking my face into the wind.

I imagined that was what dogs feel like when they poke their heads outside car windows—completely enveloped by the cool, crisp breeze; wrapped in it and yet so free.

Thirty minutes and ten dolphin sightings in, though still windblown, I felt my cheeks go warm and flush as I giggled, “I love the ocean!”

It was the kind of pure joy that comes being fully present, clearheaded, and immersed in nature—magnified because I was sharing it with someone I love.

Three hours later, after we’d checked into our hotel and eaten lunch, I thought, “I hate the ocean.”

We’d decided to go snorkeling, something my boyfriend loves, and, theoretically, I thought I’d enjoy.

Nemo-like fish, machine-free exercise, and exploration are all things I appreciate. And we’d done it together once before in San Diego, a few months after we’d first started dating.

But back then we’d stayed in shallow water, much like I do when I swim at beach. By “swim” I mean wade out to my waist, all the while fearing death by shark. (more…)

November 7, 2012
Overcome Fears Through Lucid Dreaming

“You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

It took me a second to realize what was happening.

I was hanging onto a rope and headed straight for the sky.

I must have been around 100 feet in the air. I was looking at the ground and it kept getting smaller and smaller. I couldn’t take it anymore and closed my eyes.

When I opened them again I was lying in my bed.

But this was no ordinary dream. I was actually aware of what was happening, as it happened. I was “awake” inside my head.

Let’s Rewind 7 Days

I was looking around the Internet and came across something called lucid dreaming. It talked about learning how to hack your dreams, to wake up inside the dream world and manipulate it as you wished.

I wasn’t skeptical in the slightest. You see, I remembered back to my childhood where I would “wake up” in these strange places then all of a sudden I’d be right back in bed.

Could it be? Something I’d been puzzled about my whole life was finally to be answered. It was more than I could ever have imagined.

Not only could I wake up in my dreams, but I could train myself to do it whenever I wanted. I’d heard it can take up to three months for the average person to learn, so I got to work straight away.

Seven days later when I was thundering toward the sky, it was my first taste of intentional lucidity. Nearly one year later and my eyes have seen things people only dream about.

Let’s Get One Thing Straight

I don’t want you to think of lucid dreaming as some weird new-age phenomenon. That couldn’t be further than the truth. Buddhists have been practicing it for thousands of years, and it’s even been scientifically proven. (more…)

October 25, 2012
A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power

“You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

Have you ever stopped to think about your definition of fear?

As my dear friend Mr. Webster states, fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”

Simply put, I disagree with this definition of fear.

My definition of fear goes something like this….

“An opportunity for self discovery and self growth; a well of untapped personal power and strength; the gateway from wishing and wanting to doing and being.”

Yes, fear can be a drag, and there are certain situations and life-threatening circumstances that stir up a whole slew of fear that I would never wish upon any one.

But there’s another spectrum of fear that comes from within and the culprit is often our very own “monkey mind” and self-worth. Most likely, it’s this very fear that is holding you back from living the wildly successful, abundant, joy-filled life that you crave and oh-so deserve!

I never really thought about fear before, but last year I decided to take the entrepreneurial plunge and it opened a whole new can of worms for me. This is when my relationship with my personal forms of fear took flight.

I was fearful that I wasn’t smart enough to run my own business, my skills and knowledge weren’t as strong as my business partners’ skills, I didn’t have enough experience to prove to potential clients that I know what I’m talking about—and why would someone want to listen to what I have to say?

The list of crazy thoughts and irrational fears that surfaced for me over this past year are endless. And guess what? I now realize that they are not true.

As I typed that last sentence I had a smile of relief cross my face, because I now realize that my fears aren’t me, and they don’t control me anymore.

The truth is, for most of us, fear is present on a regular basis, but the form that it chooses to present itself in is constantly changing. Maybe you experience anxiety, a deep nervousness, confusion, lack of motivation, uncertainty, or something unidentifiable deep within.

Chances are, you’re experiencing fear on a magnitude of levels and in multiple forms all at once. (Fear is sneaky like that! It’s always showing up in disguise to try to trick you!) (more…)

August 28, 2012
You Deserve Love, Including Your Own

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Several years ago, I was in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. It didn’t start out that way, of course. During the first year that we were together, I was in heaven. I was blissfully happy and everything seemed perfect.

My partner and I were so in love and happy just to be together; you couldn’t keep us apart.

It was years later that the trouble started. It was when my husband reconnected with a woman from his past that our marriage started to fall apart. It is hard to say if things would have fallen apart in time anyway, but this other woman certainly contributed to bringing us unstuck.

My husband told me that they had never been a couple, but that he used to be extremely attracted to this woman. She had recently moved to our city so he offered to help her out and get her familiar with the surroundings. I thought nothing of it at first because I thought I could trust my partner completely.

Eventually though, I noticed that he was spending more time with her, and when I would ask him about it, he always made it seem like I was a bad person for being suspicious.

I started reading messages on his phone when he was asleep because my gut instinct was telling me that something was not right.

When I confronted him with the incriminating messages, he got very angry. He denied everything and berated me for having so little faith in him. All of this made me quite depressed, and eventually I became very bitter. We were fighting almost constantly over the smallest things.

I was bitter with the world and, yes, I became bitter with myself. I did not like the person I had become.

I was always stressed out, suspicious, and unhappy. I blamed myself for the status of our relationship. I started believing that I was the one at fault and that he was the injured party.

After some time, his affair with the woman finally came to light and we broke up. Even after having confirmed that all my suspicions were correct and that I had done myself a favor by ending the relationship, I was still extremely unhappy. I still carried a lot of bitterness inside me.

I could not understand why something so bad could happen to a good person like me. I was angry with my ex and was equally angry at the world. (more…)

July 23, 2012
Hope is the Antidote for Fear

“Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Neale Donald Walsch

In a moment of despair—moments I find have been increasing this year—I turned to this site for a little comfort. After reading a couple articles, seeing that I wasn’t alone in what I was feeling, I still couldn’t help but remain terrified of the next part of my life.

Job searches were wearing me out. I was trying to figure out where I wanted to live. I desperately wanted that dream job. All of these things had instilled a fear inside of me that I once thought I’d be able to overcome.

And then a year passed and poof, magically, there was no more sense of confidence, but instead a sense of fear.

Then I saw this quote. And I wished that I’d come up with it.

It says a lot, I think, about the way certain words work in our brains without us even realizing it.

“False Evidence Appearing Real.”

We all know that being afraid of the future is just as silly as being afraid of our own shadows, and yet we fear it all the same.

Why?

The answer is within the quote; it’s a false sense of reality.

We imagine what we don’t want to lose and instantly grow afraid of that loss. But we’re being bamboozled; we’re duping ourselves out of a secure sense of “now” and replacing it with an insecure sense of “what if.”

The only reality that exists is in each passing second, and yet with each passing second comes the agony of not knowing what will come next. It’s a struggle, and nothing more than that.

So what can we do to heal this repeating, self-inflicted wound? (more…)

May 9, 2012
Small Steps to Help You Act in Spite of Your Fear

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

My dog, Elvis, is a sweetheart and a scaredy cat. When our vet found him, he was roaming free with a wire collar embedded in his neck and a raging case of mange. It took her thirty minutes to chase him down and three months to nurse him back to health.

When we first adopted him, he was afraid of everything: bikes, strollers, loud noises, sprinklers, and people. The only things he was never wary of were other dogs. Through a lot of patience and love, Elvis has come a long way. He is no longer afraid of people or bikes, but he still hates sprinklers and he’s always on guard.

This past spring I took Elvis on a walk at a local state park. It was a beautiful day, sunny, high 70’s with a light breeze. We had a great time traipsing through the woods. When we came around the corner at the bottom of a hill, the river sat gleaming in the sun before us. Elvis stopped, sat, and refused to get any closer.

I knew he needed to get his bearings, so I paused and let him absorb what lay before him. I spoke gently to him and tried to persuade him to keep going.

He dug his paws in and started to maneuver his shoulders into this Houdini twist that allows him to slip out of his harness. I stopped and we turned around. Because of his fear, Elvis never got to see or smell all the wonderful sights and aromas awaiting him at the river’s edge.

People are like that too. We traipse happily along in our routines, always doing and experiencing the familiar.

As soon as we have an opportunity to expand our horizons, to see a new place, meet a new person, or accept a new job, our fear kicks in and we stop. We hold back; it’s too scary.

We don’t know what lies before us. All we know is it looks big and scary, and we fear all the unknowns. If we could just take that leap, act on faith, and move forward despite our fear we would learn (just as Elvis would have) that while it is new terrain, it is still dirt and grass. (more…)

April 30, 2012
The Fortune in Fear

“He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

I remember hearing this idea somewhere that courage was not the absence of fear, but rather, the ability to do something in the presence of it.

I am scared of being on a boat. I always was. When I was 18, I dated a guy who had a boat, and I decided to brave my fear and get on it for a three day voyage across the Mediterranean. I know, I could have started by peddling in a canoe in a pond, but no—three days, no sight of land.

There was a guy on the boat who was all tough and cool, and he kept saying, “Come on get over it.”

He missed the point. I got over it. I was on the boat; that was about as much as I could do. Scared of it, and yet doing it.

I asked the cool, tough guy what he was afraid of, and he said horses. I happened to have a horse and to not be scared of them an ounce. I invited him to join me after the boat debacle. He said never. Aha! I was on the boat, and he would not come to ride a horse. Get my drift?

Well, I am scared of public speaking, and there I was last month doing a TEDx Talk. The fear was so strong some nights that I literally stayed up till dawn. But I did it. I loved it actually.

Maybe there is a direct link between how hard I imagined it would be and how joyful it felt to complete it.

As long as we don’t let it stop us, fear is a friend, believe it or not. It ignites more power inside of us, so we can jump higher. It is the fear, the managed fear that fuels our engines.

I am still scared of boats and speaking in public, and I am still going to do both. I have never spoken to anyone who said they were afraid of doing something and regretted doing it after they overcame their fear.

We feel good when we overcome our fears. We know we are bigger than them.

We know that we are meant to transcend them.

That is why we love watching athletes push beyond the average boundaries. We instinctively know what they had to overcome to get to where we see them. And to witness someone overcome their fear is a sure way to ignite our engines!

Photo by mdpai75

February 23, 2012
Letting Go of the Fear of Uncertainty and Embracing Adventure

“Each time you stay present with fear and uncertainty, you’re letting go of a habitual way of finding security and comfort.” ~ Pema Chodron

Being the thought-out planner with a neatly plotted road map—and a compass tightly gripped in one hand, pointing due north—I cringe a bit (okay, a lot actually) at the thought of changing direction, being adventurous, and going off the beaten path.

I’ve purposefully designed my external life for security—the cushy job, maximizing the 401K, additional streams of income to insulate the extra-super-comfy-security, a large home for a future family, long-time childhood friends, and a solid marriage.

I am deeply grateful for all of these and, on most days, find pride that my focused, linear thinking has created a surrounding of comforts.

As I venture further on this journey, though, I realize that anchoring ourselves with an abundance of security can actually become a dangerous habit.

It can create an attachment that prevents us from being fully awake.

My straight-path mindset hadn’t really prepared me for an off-roading adventure. I held a belief that if I softened my resistance to allow things to go in a direction other than I had planned, this would be a mini-failure of sorts—a “giving in” to the unknown.

And the unknown, after all, is deeply rooted in scariness, signifying weakness, giving up, having no direction. It’s not secure, and far, far from safe.

Or so I had thought.

Sometimes we can be blindly walking down a path and then an obstacle, a detour, or a sharp turn appears, asking us to expand our mind and heart to see and feel differently.

This past year, I found myself becoming a security-junky of sorts, as I would not allow for an unforeseen change to enter my life.

I would stand firmly at the arrival of this unwelcome circumstance with crossed arms and a tremendous amount of resistance. I held tightly onto my compass, my road map pressed against my chest, and didn’t want to let go. (more…)

December 20, 2011
6 Crucial Lessons to Help You Live Fearless and Free

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.” ~Marianne Williamson

I got my masters in Clinical Social Work and became a therapist in 1997.

A year later, I got my PHD in Fear.

After a decade as a talent agent predominantly for super models, I was burned out. I realized it was time for a career change when I cared more about getting models into rehab, therapy, and eating disorder clinics than a lucrative Pantene contract.

When I landed in the modeling-agent world, I was convinced I would change an exploitive system. I did not, but the system definitely changed me.

I was desperate to get off the crazy nicotine, caffeine, adrenalin-fueled hamster wheel that had become my life, but did not know how. Apparently, though, the universe had just the plan.

In 1996, I applied to New York University’s Clinical Social Work Masters Program, never imagining I would be accepted. Much to my amazement I was accepted and spent the next two years remotely running the television department for Elite Modeling agency, getting my degree, and teaching acting as an adjunct professor at NYU/Tisch School of the Arts.

Immediately following graduation, the single most important life-changing event happened. I fell in love with my now amazing husband, Victor Juhasz. Vic was a widower with three angry, out-of-control teenage boys. As if being the divorced/widowed father of three sons wasn’t enough, he also lived in New Jersey.

I didn’t care. It was perfect. He was perfect. Intoxicated with love hormones, I thought this talented, successful, gorgeous man could have 22 teenagers, and I would still say, “It’s all good. Love will find a way!” Believe it or not, this was the calm before the storm.

Four months into our relationship, my father, 61 years old and in prime health, dropped dead of a heart attack.

Three months after my father’s death, I discovered a plum-size lump at the base of my throat, which was diagnosed as a large, malignant thyroid tumor. My heart ached as I underwent surgery and radiation while building a relationship with the three boys, whose own beautiful mother died of cervical cancer when they were 5, 3, and 1.

A mere five months later, based solely on my intuition, a more aggressive cancer was discovered on the other side of my thyroid. More surgery, radiation, and isolation followed.

On a quiet evening, two months after the second cancer diagnosis, I leisurely walked onto the back porch to find a huge stocking-faced man holding a .22 to the back of my husband’s head. We were robbed at gunpoint with our youngest son in the house.

My PHD in FEAR was officially complete. For the first time in my life I was afraid—all the time.

The therapist in me knew it was a trauma response; the human in me was still incensed. I made the distinct decision to become a fear expert knowing that I, nor anyone else for that matter, could really live life if fear continued to dominate my mind and my decisions.

I worked though my own fear with the help of my therapist and spent the next 14 years in my busy private therapy practice in New York City researching the effects of fear and the mind-body connection.

I turned my pain into purpose and taught thousands of clients and students to transform their own fear into freedom.

Here are a few truths I have learned about transforming fear. (more…)

December 5, 2011
5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Aren’t Sure What You Want in Life

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

There are times in life when we just don’t know what we want. These are the awkward in-between places where we feel uncertain and unsure, and perhaps even question our purpose.

There was a pivotal time in my life, after I got my Counseling Psychology Masters degree and had a private practice, when I knew I did not want to be a therapist.

I left counseling to help my husband start his fashion business, even though this was not an interest of mine. My true desire was to write and publish books, but at the time I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about.

A year later, while riding my bike on a beautiful sunny day, I tried to pop a wheelie over a curb and fell, hitting the back of my head on a car bumper and then the road.

The neurologist told me I had a moderate concussion and I needed to lie low for three months. I got migraines from simply walking around the block, so I had to stop completely.

While I was sitting at the kitchen table one afternoon, I got the idea for my now published book and card deck set. It hit me harder than the fall off my bike. After helping my husband with his business for a year, without knowing what was next for me, I was ready to hit the ground running.

These places where we are asked to be still and experience the unknown are as important to our journey as the times when we feel certain. An empty blank canvas permits the unanticipated and unexpected to appear.

Like a trapeze artist letting go of one bar we suspend in a gap before the next bar comes swinging towards us. This space is the catalyst that creatively births us into new ways of being.

Here are five key questions to experience relaxation, stillness, and peace while resting in the uncertainty of the unknown: (more…)

July 21, 2011
Stop Waiting to Live: Scare Yourself Alive

“It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Whenever I’m tempted to play it safe with my life, whenever I start talking myself out of the risks I really want to take, I think about something my friend Jesse said years ago, when we were on a work-sponsored retreat.

After a day of travel, activities, and settling in, we were left with a free evening. As the darkness deepened, a group of us stood together, discussing our options. What would we do on our first night in the woods?

There was a pause. And then, with a look of inspired wildness, Jesse said, “Let’s go for a walk and scare ourselves alive.”

And so we walked out the doors and into the night. We carried flashlights, but we didn’t turn them on; the moonlight gave us just enough light to see by. We walked down a hill and into a valley, weaving through the trees and underbrush.

Except for the leaves crackling underfoot and the owls crying in the distance, the night was silent. The walk was just daring enough to feel dangerous, just safe enough to feel like the right risk. (more…)

July 19, 2011
Let Go of Fear by Stopping the Stories in Your Head
“The greater part of human pain is unnecessary. It is self-created as long as the unobserved mind runs your life.” ~Eckhart Tolle

For a very long time fear has controlled me. It has paralyzed me, kept me living in desperate situations, and stopped me from living the life of my dreams.

It has only been with age and the practice of mindfulness these last few years that I have come to recognize the fear within me, having finally begun the process of facing it.

By facing fear, I don’t mean that I’ve started base-jumping, purposely trapped myself in elevators, or allowed tarantulas to climb all over my body.

I mean that I’ve sat in meditation, watched the fears arise, and rather than react to them or allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life, I’ve observed them in my mind from a distance.

I’ve felt how they’ve manifested in my body, and I’ve moved into that physical discomfort in order to pay attention to fear in a way I’ve never allowed myself to do before.

When I think about the compulsive and addictive activities that have kept me stuck in a place of fear in the past, they all come from stories that play through my head everyday. For example:

Shopping

I shop to feel better about myself. I believe that the pair of celebrity-endorsed high heels I’ve just bought will make me glamorous enough to fit in with the goddesses I see around me and therefore help me feel accepted.

Interestingly, I don’t feel bad about myself unless I’m comparing myself to others. Therefore, in the comparing, I’m looking at others who have what I don’t have and as a result, fear that I’m unstylish, lacking in physical appeal, or not beautiful enough.

Overeating

When the new pair of high heels I’ve been wearing to work everyday go unnoticed, start to slowly destroy my feet, and still haven’t prompted an invite to the “right” parties, I give up and start to search the fridge.

I discover a tub of ice-cream or pack of cookies that may not make me more beautiful or accepted, but help me to fill my stomach up and create a fullness in the exact place that fear is beginning to dig a deeper and deeper hole inside of me.

Television

When that sick feeling deep down in my stomach starts rising again, but this time from a mix of cookies and cream and a base of fear, I sit in the comfiest chair I can find and reach for the remote control.

Rather than listen to the personal derision that I’ve switched to repeat in my mind, I watch re-runs of my favorite reality show. I can then cheer the reality star on as I would a friend. Or, I can sit and degrade them to make myself feel better by utilizing the meanest thoughts I have going through my head, now targeted towards them.

Surfing

I would love to say that after this fear based self-pity and hatred party I would choose to hit the shore with my trusty long board to work off that ice-cream, but unless that board comes with a qwerty keyboard, I’m more inclined to stay at home.

Only after watching other people live their busy lives does it actually register that I should reach out and connect with my friends.

And having destroyed my feet in high heels, eaten an entire quart of ice-cream all by myself, and vegged out in front of the TV in my PJs, I hardly feel like getting dolled up to go out for some face to face time. Therefore, the next best source of connection is my new best friend—the Internet.

After returning a few pokes, commenting on a couple of friend’s pictures, and then checking my homepage incessantly to see if anyone online has responded to my posts, the night drags on.

I continually stare at a glowing screen as the minutes tick by, unable to disconnect myself from the cyber world and face the fear of being alone with my self-pity and self-hatred.

Reality Check Time

Can you believe that this entire fear-based cycle of self-pity and hatred grew from a simple comparison of what I was wearing to those around me? Unbelievable, right? Not really.

Having observed my mind, I’ve come to understand that a good amount of my daily fear-based suffering starts by making comparisons and then creating stories in my head.

Encouragingly, I am not unique in what I do. However, it is unfortunate to realize that many people who suffer in the same way I do will never learn how to curb their own suffering. They will never give themselves the time to sit, reflect, and watch what comes up in their minds without becoming involved in the stories.

If you would like to take more control over your mind and your suffering, the best practices I know are meditation and mindfulness.

1. First, accept that in order to become more mindful, we must recognize that we are solely responsible for what we do with the thoughts our minds produce.

While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can take control over them and create moments of peace for ourselves.

2. Second, when thoughts or fear arise, try to do the following as soon as you are aware of what’s taking place in your mind and body:
- Stop.
- Take a long, deep breath in and out. In your mind say “in” as you breathe in and “out” as you breathe out in order to ground yourself in the present moment.
- Then, feel the ground beneath your feet. Notice the way your clothes feel against your skin, the wind against your face, the sun on your cheeks. Listen to the birds singing, the rain falling around you, or the ticking of a nearby clock.
All this will ground you in the present moment. Even if thoughts want to drag you away with them, coming back to recognize the breath will give you the control you need to prevent this from happening.

Follow these steps until you feel that the thought or storyline in your mind has moved on, or until you feel that the pull of your thought or fear has dissipated slightly.

At this point, you can return to whatever you were doing, and hopefully you will have prevented yourself from suffering in that moment.

Unfortunately, these steps are by no means a quick fix in saving you from the suffering we all encounter every day. In fact, at first it will take all your energy and resolve not to react to what your mind and ego are doing.

It’s also quite possible that even once you’ve covered these steps, you will still get lost in your thoughts and fears by comparing yourself to others.

Whether you do this or not isn’t the point. The point is that you’ve finally managed to sit back and look at your thoughts and fear. Once you have done this, you’ve begun the process of taking back control of your mind and your life.

No doubt, occasionally you’ll also stop and find yourself right in the middle of buying something you don’t really need or switching on the TV without thinking about what you’re doing.

But, as long as you notice you’re mid-way through handing your credit card to the lovely sales person at the cash register, then you’re on your way to conquering your mind.

The more you practice, the better you will get. The key to all this is not giving up.

I’m not saying you’ll be able to climb to the top of the Burj Al Khalifa on your next trip to Dubai or take a shower with eight beady spider eyes hanging out on the shower head above you.

But you will be able to stop the stories in your head instead of feeling a pull to distract yourself from all the pain they cause you.

So why not give it a shot. Can it really hurt? Well it might, but it’ll hurt for all the right reasons.
March 27, 2011
Cracking Your Comfort Zone: How to Face a Fear

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” ~Unknown

I’m about to write something that’s freaky and a bit philosophical, but true. Really take this in: You become your comfort zone.

Getting out of your comfort zone is crucial to actualizing your aspirations.

If you want something that you don’t already have, there’s a good chance you’ll have to do things that you haven’t already done.

Doing those things may not feel natural to you. You may even feel uncomfortable and awkward. But ultimately, behind the frightening facade of fear is a bigger version of who you already are. That’s where the fun is.

Cracking your comfort zone involves feeling fear and befriending it. Your fear is there for a reason. Respect and embrace it.

The best of the best feel fear. So will you. The trick is to not let it immobilize you, but instead, use it as a driving force to take you where you want to go.

When we learn how to accept and embrace our fear of the unknown, we open ourselves up to an endless opportunity for pure potentiality to emerge. (more…)

December 26, 2010
Our Shared Fears & 5 Ways to Overcome Them

“Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

In life, we experience two kinds of fear: real fear and psychological fear. Or, as I prefer to think of the latter, ego-fear.

In the words of Immanuel Kant, the ego is “our precious little self.” Or as Eckhart Tolle calls it, “the voice in the head.” It isn’t who you really are, but the you that you think you are.

Each day, what you see in the mirror is the reflection of your physical being, and within, you may get glimpses of your unique personality in that reflection too, in between your laugh lines or furrowed brow. Still, it’s not really you.

Same thing with the roles you inhabit each day and how they are reflected back to you: as friend, lover, parent, child, worker, boss. These are different selves we pick up each day as needed, as the situation or relationship summons them.

But knowing that these roles, as well as your reflection in the mirror, are not who you actually are is an important distinction to which all enlightened, sentient beings become aware.

With this background, we can better understand our shared fears and how to overcome them. (more…)

November 16, 2010
On Fearing Change: When It’s Time to Take a Leap of Faith

“Don’t fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~Unknown

There are two basic human emotions that are the driving force behind each thought, each daily inspiration, and that rare but pivotal new-chapter, life-changing decision. Those things are fear and love.

The funny thing, however, is that they are intertwining forces. In order to feel passionately about something, fear and love must coexist.

One year ago I made what some people would consider an irrational decision. I had a great job, a flexible boss, and rainbow-colored work walls, to boot.

I had a circle of close-knit, happy-hour-loving girlfriends who brought overflowing amounts of joy and adventure to my life. Together we’d paint Los Angeles red, fly to Chicago on a “girls’ trip” whim, and celebrate each other’s birthdays in Las Vegas.

Within our friendly beach-side neighborhood were my favorite Thai restaurant, faithful yoga studio, and the best omelet breakfast spot within a five miles radius of each other. My adoring family was a short one-hour Southwest flight away, so I could always access TLC from mom and dad.

I was comfortable, I was happy, but most of all I was where everyone wants to be—safe. (more…)

August 26, 2010
7 Ways to Deal with Uncertainty So You Can Be Happier and Less Anxious

“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” ~John Allen Paulos

In three weeks, my boyfriend and I might move from the Bay area to LA, or we might move in here with roommates if he decides not pursue a film career.

I am starting a new work-from-home writing gig to pay my bills while I write my book. It might be something I can do in under two days a week, or it may require more time. It may provide enough money, or I might need to get some other work to supplement.

If we move, I might enjoy LA; I might not. I might balance everything well; I might feel overwhelmed. I might make new friends easily in my new area; it might take me a while to find like-minded people.

My world is a towering stack of mights right now. Though I’m dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty.

Even when you think you’ve curled into a cozy cocoon of predictability, anything could change in a heartbeat. (more…)

August 15, 2010