Tag: responsibility

4 Steps to Let Go of Blame in Your Relationship

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change.” ~Dr. Robert Anthony

After living alone for five years, I moved in with my girlfriend just eight months ago. I knew that I would have to make some adjustments, but I had no idea what they might be.

I expected most of the changes to be around the dynamics of our relationship and spending too much time together. I didn’t foresee any personal growth coming out of it.

But that’s exactly what happened. I grew, and I evolved.

What Sparks a Fight

For both me and my girlfriend, cleaning our apartment is a big issue.

Neither one of us wants to do it. And even when we do clean, we want credit for it. Or at least I do.

I remember one time I had just finished cleaning our bathroom, and I felt like I had made a significant contribution to our apartment. My girlfriend—let’s just call her Mary—thanked me, but I felt like she wasn’t contributing as much to our apartment.

I accused her.

Mary hadn’t cleaned anything in a week, and I didn’t want to do all the cleaning by myself. Now it was her turn. And she should know about it.

She didn’t take it so well.

She said that she had cleaned the bathroom the last two times, in addition to the kitchen and parts of the bedroom. I told her that I had cooked the last few meals, and that she’s the one who keeps dirtying the bathroom and bedroom anyway. Why should I clean her mess?

Things Get Ugly

Before I knew it, we had escalated into a full-blown fight as we got more and more upset at each other. We were blaming each other back and forth for what the other person had or hadn’t done.

We were playing the “blame game.”

And this wasn’t the first time either.

We had played the blame game many times before, and every time we did, it would damage our relationship in a new way. Sometimes there would still be ripple effects days later.

We would get mad at each other. We would accuse each other. We would look for reasons why one of us was right and the other was wrong.

It was a downward spiral.

Blame Awareness and The Gift of Pain

Usually before I can make any significant change in my life, I need to have a high level of awareness about it. I can’t change without first knowing what change I need to make. And usually, the big alarm that tells me when something isn’t working is this:

I feel pain.

It can be sadness, anger, unhappiness—basically, any emotion that feels bad is my warning sign that something’s wrong. And this time, it was my girlfriend and I being intensely angry at each other.

Pain is a gift.

Why?

Pain is a gift because it tells us that something is not right, that something isn’t working and needs to be changed. Without feeling this pain, we might never know that we need to change.

This painful experience is what brought our blame game to my awareness.

I was now empowered to change.

Taking 100% Responsibility

I read somewhere that most successful people take 100% responsibility for their lives.

Hmm.

I thought I’d try an experiment.

What if I were to take 100% responsibility for everything in our apartment, in our relationship, in our lives?

Even though a relationship is really a 50-50 partnership, I figured I’d bite the bullet and take all the blame and responsibility—for everything—and just see what happens. (Note: If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, and your partner regularly mistreats or takes advantage of you, I would not recommend this.)

I deliberately became more aware of my tendency to blame. I was denying responsibility for things I could change.

Blame is a victim mindset, not an empowered one.

I would catch myself after I had just blamed Mary. I would catch myself while I was accusing her, or right before I was about to.

I would catch myself merely thinking the thought—that it’s her fault for such-and-such. And right before I was about to blame her for something, I’d just sit in awareness of it, as if I were a Buddhist monk.

Letting go of the blame, I would instead take full responsibility for it.

Talking About It

Accusing her and blaming her only made our relationship worse. So I was taking 100% responsibility for our relationship, and I wasn’t going to blame her for anything. Even if I felt certain it really was her fault.

At first, I didn’t tell Mary what I was doing.

Eventually, though, I told her everything. We had been blaming each other a lot, and it was making our relationship not so good, and I was making an effort to stop. I was happy when she said that she would make an effort too.

She soon stopped blaming me.

Even when she hadn’t cleaned up the mess on our table, and it was clearly her mess and her “fault,” I took responsibility for it.

Sounds crazy. Sounds dis-empowering, right?

But maybe, I had created the circumstances to allow her to leave the mess. Maybe I hadn’t communicated clearly to her that I don’t like clutter on our table. Maybe I hadn’t done anything to encourage us to both clean up together, as a team.

Total responsibility.

In the end, I didn’t become a victim either. If Mary was going to take advantage of me, this strategy would have backfired and I’d be her scapegoat. But because we’re in a healthy relationship, she didn’t mistreat me.

Eliminating Blame in Your Relationship

You’ll notice from my experience with Mary that I took specific steps to eliminate blame in our relationship. Here are the steps you can take to do the same:

Pain

The first step is just to notice if it’s an issue in your relationship. Are you fighting, getting angry with each other, playing the blame game?

Awareness

Get super-aware of when you’re blaming or faulting or accusing, even if you’re doing it in your head. If you can catch yourself sooner, you can let it go and preempt sparking a fight.

Take Responsibility

This is the hardest part, because it’s easier to find fault in others than in ourselves. We want to be right. So just do an experiment, and see if you can take complete responsibility for your life, including your relationship. See what happens. Remember, this advice applies to anyone who’s in a healthy relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to take responsibility for someone else mistreating you.

Communicate

Tell your partner what’s been going on, how you feel about it, and the effort you’re going to make. (And if something’s really bothering you, communicate your feelings without blaming.) This will bond you together, and get you on the same team. Once you’re both making an effort, you’re well on your way.

Photo by Bjorn Soderqvist

June 19, 2013
Start Building Confidence in Yourself Without Trying to Be Perfect

“The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

I know now that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t even have to try to be perfect. I used to think that things did not come to me because I did not try hard enough. Not true!

The truth was, I was sabotaging myself.

In college in Switzerland, instead of going to that school event or even answering the people who tried to talk to me, I shut myself down and ignored people.

I was afraid of being rejected so I rejected life first. I did not think that I had anything to offer the world. I wasted a tremendous opportunity to see that world and meet unique people.

It was only when I graduated that I realized that everything I wanted was knocking at my door, and I was choosing not to answer. Then I knew I had to change.

I had to find something to believe in—and I was that something. I also ultimately had to forgive myself for repressing myself for so long. This is a journey that I am still on.

I destroyed my early journals, wrought with misdirected messages, but writing once again became my resolve. A chance reading of a book on Zen changed my outlook as I began to meditate and calm my mind.

Meditation is so powerful; it allows you to embody you, as you are. You see and feel yourself, and know deep down that you are alright. From that place of peace you can find the seeds of change.

From there I started to build my life. I joined an amateur theater company, found a job I loved, got into and finished graduate school, and began to write on a new blog. Now I have to the bravery of self-reflection, the support of friends around the world, and the beginnings of my PhD in Humanities.

I am far from perfect, but I am happy. (more…)

February 21, 2013
Take Back Your Power and Start Loving Your Life

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Lindsey Kasch

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” ~George Bernard Shaw

Excuses. We all make them.

We make them for everything all the time without even realizing it, pointing the finger at someone or something else, anything or anyone but ourselves.

I didn’t think I made excuses. Blaming people? Who me? No way!

Once I took a real, hard look at my life I realized I was full of excuses and blame—excuses for why I was always running late, why I couldn’t start living a healthier life, do the dishes, go out on a Friday night, or call someone back.

Excuses for why I couldn’t do this or that, why I wasn’t good enough, why my life wasn’t what I wished it was, why my financial situation wasn’t the best, why I was upset at someone.

You name it, I had an excuse. I blamed everything and everyone under the sun for why I couldn’t do this or have that, why I felt a certain way, why I wasn’t fulfilled or happy. Nothing was my fault or my responsibility. This was hard to see and even harder to finally admit.

What increased my self-awareness about the excuses I made was a cold, hard dose of reality when I broke up with my fiancé and boyfriend of five years. I chose to leave because it didn’t feel right, but it left me shattered and heartbroken. It became painfully clear that I really had no idea who I was.

I was forced to figure myself out. For the first time ever I was being honest with myself. Brutally honest—honest about everything! Before this happened I had never once stopped to think about my choices and how they had affected my life and the people around me.

I used to think that life happened and I had no control over it. Things happened to me. Life was hard and unfair. It wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t happy or didn’t have what I thought I wanted or needed. It was the fault of those around me. (more…)

September 20, 2012
Transform Your Life: Lasting Change Starts from Within

“All meaningful and lasting change starts on the inside and works its way out.” ~Anon

My life has been a journey of self-discovery—at times a very bumpy journey. I spent most of my life feeling angry with people and hurt because the way they treated me.

People would not always do what I expected of them, and this disappointed me. I used fear to get them to comply with my demands.

One day, my baby girl looked at me and said, “Dad, you don’t have to shout at me to make me love you.” My heart nearly exploded, and it was then I knew my life had to change.

One morning while driving to work I found myself sobbing and just felt so deeply sad. I couldn’t figure out why I felt this way; I just did. Then I realized I was fighting the world and pushing people away.

I was a terrible husband, friend, and family man. I was only concerned about myself, and I thought my life was a mess because of other people.

I started looking within at the role I was playing in my relationships and discovered some fundamental truths.

I was a blamer and never took responsibility. This was my end and my new beginning.

My life and my relationships needed to change. And I realized I had to make these changes. I needed to start taking responsibility for myself and my behaviors and I needed to stop trying to force others to change.

I needed to love and accept myself. I had spent a great deal of my life pushing people away because I did not love myself. I discovered that I would only allow people to love me to the extent that I loved myself. (more…)

July 26, 2012
How to Stop Playing the Blame Game

“Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

The most common conversation I have with other people includes the blame game.

The one where your job, your wife, your dog, your mother-in-law, your neighbor six doors down, the media, the government, the receptionist at your doctor’s office, or the dressmaker who measured you wrong is somehow responsible for the problems you’re having.

I too played the blame game.

I intentionally left a marriage that I was very unhappy in and then blamed him for everything. My finances, my unhappiness, my fluctuating weight, my broken-down car, and even my bad hair day were all entirely his fault.

It was then I had that an “aha” moment. I sat there thinking about the blame game wondering, “If games are supposed to be fun, then why is this one keeping me in such a bad place?”

Right then, I made the conscious decision—just like I had left my marriage—that I was going to leave this game behind, too.

I sat down, took a long deep breath, and thought about the ways I’d contributed to my own unhappiness. Once I came up with one way, countless others seemed to follow.

In that moment, I realized I was blatantly ignoring vital life lessons. It wasn’t just my ex’s fault; it was my fault, too.

I believe we are here to learn lessons. Once we learn a lesson we move on to the next one. However, if we fail to learn a lesson, we keep finding opportunities to learn it again and again. (more…)

January 18, 2011