Tag: respect
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Freedom Is the Space Between Each Judgmental or Righteous Thought
“It is inner stillness that will save and transform the world.” ~Eckhart Tolle
Life is hard. Impenetrable at times. How can we use our spirituality to navigate through the density of life?
That question inspired this piece of writing. And my navigation tool is almost effortless; I feel compelled to share it.
When my mind is churning and burning with thoughts and fears and worries, I take myself off to a quiet place, get still, and watch my mind. I wait for the tiny gap between each thought. Bingo.
That space, that little gap, is freedom in its truest, purest form. It is the birthplace of peace. And every time I enter that space, I am no longer at war with anything. Despite what madness may surround me, that place always remains untouched. It is like an infinite reservoir of strength and love—one that feels like, well, freedom.
How I came to find that reservoir is a long and nuanced story (that’s why I wrote a whole book about it), but I’ll try and give you the nutshell version.
Essentially, to even find it, I had to first get to the point where I was so disillusioned—with my cancer, with people, with the system, with the greed, with the house chores, with the destruction of the planet, with war, and with life full stop.
Little did I know it then, but that disillusionment was freedom’s gateway.
For so long, I looked to ‘the other’ as the source of my disillusionment.
Sometimes ‘the other’ was a person, sometimes it was a situation—my cancer, the pandemic, the person who I believed had wronged me, the political party; anything or anyone that caused a disturbance to my happiness fell into this bucket.
Of course, it felt good to blame cancer, that person, or the pandemic for my woes, at least on the surface. Yet the blaming was also the root of my suffering. The biggest wars I’ve had in my own life were when I was trying to get ‘the other’ to yield / change / admit they have it wrong so I could live in peace.
But the true source of my disillusionment was never with them. When I stopped waiting for the situation to change and shifted my attention to my mind, I observed something that floored me at first: my own righteousness.
Staring back in the mirror were my tendencies to be correct, envy, judge, complain, and win. That mirror revealed one simple truth: I was adding to the war I desperately wanted to end. I had arrived at the place where I was simply fed up—no longer fed up with life but rather fed up with the suffering caused by my very own mind.
The challenges and hindrances of life may have taken you to a similar point—the point where you’ve had enough. Before freedom is even possible, this stage is necessary, essential even.
The world is unsatisfying. So, now what? This is freedom’s front door. It is the opening to the very core of your being. When we have had enough of looking outside for contentment, only then do we look inward. This is where the rubber meets the road.
But we have to go deeper—beyond the mind, beyond our thoughts about what is right vs. wrong, left vs. right—to our essential oneness.
And, as a collective, I think we get there by asking ourselves one simple question: Do I want peace or war?
If it is peace, we must start with the peace in our minds. In all the frenzy, it is possible to simply stop and enter into the space between every thought. Rest there for a few scared moments. Feel the ease wash over every cell of our being. Come home to that again and again. Life doesn’t need to be any different to enter that space.
That space is freedom. And true freedom is not bound in any person or situation. Freedom is what sits underneath the war. It is found in the tiny gap between every righteous and non-righteous thought; it occurs through stillness.
From this stillness, I’ve learned (yes, the hard way) that we can speak our truth, but now we speak it without the need to control any outcome.
For example, rather than trying to force my husband to read a spiritual book instead of opting for Netflix—as if I know what’s right and best for him—I can respect him for where he is at in his inner journey. I still act. I still suggest books. But my happiness is not dependent on his choice.
Instead of being angry at a friend who hurt me, I can step out of my righteousness and cultivate empathy for where she is at in her life. I still reach out. I still attempt resolution. But my peace is not dependent on her response.
I throw my seeds of truth, dug up from the depths of my heart, out into my family and the world. Sometimes they land in the fertile soil of ‘the other,’ and sometimes they don’t. So be it. It is action without criticism, judgment, blame or control—without the war. I had found a place within where I could look at ‘the other’ and feel compassion and even love instead of anger and annoyance.
Eckhart Tolle says, “It is inner stillness that will save and transform the world.”
I couldn’t agree more. Because from that place, from the silent stillness within, war is not escalated but instead averted.
So, to anyone feeling disenchanted, I want to honor you and say one thing: The freedom your soul is aching for is within arm’s reach. It is as close as your breath, as close as the space between each of your thoughts.
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When You Strongly Disagree with Someone: How to Find Common Ground
“The truth you believe and cling to makes you unavailable to hear anything new.” ~Pema Chodron
I was recently having dinner with a group of friends, and I casually mentioned that I’ve been making more effort in my life to help prevent climate change.
Across the table, someone looked straight at me and said, “You know human-induced climate change isn’t real, right?”
I was shocked because I’ve known this person for years, and we’ve always agreed on important topics in the past. I immediately shot back with, “Umm, yes it is!” and proceeded to tell him exactly why he was so wrong.
I’ll spare you the gory details, but let’s just say the rest of the conversation didn’t go well. It gradually got more and more heated until we were the only two people talking (read: yelling) at each other across the table.
In the end, someone shut the argument down by saying, “You’ll just have to agree to disagree.” We both took the hint, retreated into our corners, and glared at each other for the rest of the evening.
A few days later, I was relating the incident to another friend. In all honesty, I was looking for an ally who would help stoke my righteous indignation. But instead of nodding and agreeing with me, she said, “It sounds a lot like you were trying to force your beliefs on him and got mad when he wouldn’t back down.”
This comment stuck with me, and over time I was forced to admit she was correct. I was so caught up in being right that I had refused to accept anyone could believe differently. Even worse, emotion had completely taken over, and I’d made no effort to find common ground or try and see things from a different perspective.
In hindsight, I’ve realized I was missing the larger truth that we all believe we are seeing the world as it should be. Our entrenched beliefs become part of our identity because they help us make sense of the chaotic world we live in. And when someone holds a radically different view to our own, it shakes the foundation of our own beliefs and makes us feel off balance and insecure.
But the good news is, no matter how differently you see the world from someone else, there’s always a way to find some common ground. Here are six tips I’ve learned to help have productive, respectful conversations and open your mind to different perspectives.
1. Focus on the outcome.
When you get bogged down arguing about specifics, take the argument up as many levels as you need until you find common ground.
For example, in the case of climate change, we could have both easily agreed that the environment is important and we want to leave the world a better place for our kids. We just have different views on how to get there. This is a great way to reset the conversation because you’re focused on discussing the outcome rather than winning the argument.
2. Understand their perspective.
Learning the underlying reason why someone believes something can help you see a different side of the issue. It might not change your mind, but it will help you treat the other person with more empathy and give you fresh ideas to discuss.
For example, someone’s refusal to accept climate change might be caused by concern about the negative effects it will have on their life. Maybe transitioning to renewable energy means they will lose their job or be forced to change their lifestyle in ways they don’t want to accept.
If you can understand these underlying concerns, you’ll be much more likely to find common ground and have a productive discussion.
3. Separate emotion from logic.
A stressful argument can hijack the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for critical thinking and decision-making. When this happens, you go into “fight or flight” mode and become more likely to react emotionally, think less creatively, and say things without thinking them through.
The next time you find yourself getting angry or defensive in an argument, take a step back and try to de-escalate your emotions by acknowledging them. Once you’re feeling more logical and calm, you can start to look for common ground again.
4. Practice active listening.
Active listening is a communication technique that involves hearing, paraphrasing, and responding to what the other person is saying. It’s an essential skill for finding common ground because it shows that you’re genuinely interested in understanding their perspective.
The next time you’re in an argument, try repeating back what the other person has said in different words to make sure you’ve understood them correctly. Then, add your perspective to what they’ve said. For example, “I can see why you feel that way, but I also think…”
5. Be mindful of your own biases.
We all have biases—it’s part of being human. We want to win arguments, be right, and be liked, so it’s easy to fall into the trap of only listening to information that supports our point of view.
In this case, I was forced to admit that I haven’t actually read any of the climate change research myself. My beliefs are almost entirely based on existing in a bubble with other like-minded people who reinforce those beliefs.
Exposing yourself to different perspectives—even if you don’t agree with them—can help you think more critically about your own beliefs. It might even help you find common ground where you thought there was none.
6. Remember that differing views are important.
If everyone agreed on everything, the world would be a pretty boring place. But even more importantly, differing ideas help to push society forward. They challenge us to think critically about our own beliefs and come up with new solutions to problems.
So the next time you find yourself in an argument with someone, try to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow rather than a chance to prove your point. You might just be surprised at how much common ground you can find.
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A Simple, Super Effective Shortcut to Loving and Respecting Yourself
“Love is loving things that sometimes you don’t like.” ~Ajahn Brahm
You’ve probably heard the saying “You can’t find love until you learn to love yourself.” What this really means is that when you love yourself, you’re also fully able to accept another’s love for you because you know that you deserve it.
Unfortunately, some people misunderstand this saying to mean that you’re basically not worthy of love unless you love yourself. And that’s a load of toxic rubbish.
If it were true, any number of people with trauma or certain mental illnesses would never stand a chance of finding love. And that’s simply not true.
However, it’s certainly *nice* to love yourself. It makes you feel at home in your own skin, less dependent on others’ approval, and even happy. It also helps you attract people who treat you with love and respect.
Not loving yourself or respecting your own needs and wishes tends to make you vulnerable to other people who don’t respect you either. From my own experience, I can tell you: it sucks. It hurts like hell, and of course, it also tears your already shaky self-respect down further.
I know because this is an issue I’ve carried around with me for most of my life.
Apart from the pain and humiliation of being disrespected, the worst part is that people kept telling me: “What others think of you shouldn’t concern you. Just ignore them!”, as though I didn’t know, in theory, that my self-worth doesn’t depend on other people’s perception or treatment of me.
The knowledge didn’t make any difference, though, and was as useful as telling someone to stop bleeding after they’d been stabbed with a knife.
The Roots of Missing Self-Love and Self-Respect
Before I continue, I’d like to point out that I’m well aware love and respect aren’t the same thing. But they function in similar ways in this particular context. For some people, the issue is a lack of self-love; others, like me, struggle more with respect.
Lack of self-love or self-respect manifests in all sorts of struggles and behaviors, from eating disorders and addiction to anxiety and depression: You name the dysfunctional behavior, a psychologist can show you how it results from a reduced ability to love and/or respect yourself. In most cases, like mine, it goes back to one’s childhood.
I had a seemingly idyllic childhood in a loving family, but there was dysfunction also, and I’m highly sensitive. I was also the youngest child by a large margin and therefore ended up rather alone when I was very young, without anyone who would take me seriously. At best, they found me cute and silly.
Nobody meant to hurt me, but when they laughed at my “art” and my early attempts at writing, it didn’t exactly build my self-confidence. This left me wide open to being truly hurt by the usual school-years experiences of being mocked or teased by classmates, which most others seemed to simply shrug off.
It took many years for me to realize that even as an adult, even going into middle age, I still had very little respect for myself. I also continued to draw people into my life who didn’t take me seriously. When the connection to my childhood began to dawn on me, I knew something had to change.
“Just Love Her”
There are few things more daunting than trying to heal trauma, overcome a mental illness, or simply shake off the lifelong re-enforcement of unhelpful beliefs and behaviors. I’m not saying it’s not possible, but it’s usually a long process that takes years. It’s absolutely worth it, but I’ve found there’s no need to wait for it to be done in order to start loving and respecting oneself.
That’s right: There’s a shortcut.
In his famous book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey tells a story about a man who came to him and said that he no longer loved his wife. Covey told him to simply “love her.” To which the guy responded, you don’t understand, I just said I don’t anymore.
Covey went on to explain that love is a verb, and instead of waiting for a feeling to appear, he should just act in a loving way toward his wife. The short of the long story is that apparently, this saved the man’s marriage.
And this is where it clicked for me. Maybe I didn’t feel a lot of self-respect, but I could certainly act as though I did! I admit that this is one of those things that sound too simple to be true. I can tell you from my own experience, though, it’s also one of the things that really are as simple as they sound.
Fake It Until You Become It
What you do—what I did—is first brainstorm ways your current behavior doesn’t reflect self-love or self-respect. If this is difficult, imagine another person, like your best friend. Anything you do or say that you wouldn’t do or say to your best friend, is probably not respectful or loving behavior.
Examples:
- Yelling at yourself (“Stupid me,” “I’m such a clutz,” etc.), either out loud or in your mind
- Not doing what you know is good for you, even if you actually enjoy it (such as going for a walk or eating a yummy, healthy meal, as though you didn’t deserve it)
- Not doing what lights you up (as in, you love playing the piano, but you catch yourself scrolling through social media for two hours instead)
- Staying in jobs and relationships that aren’t nourishing you
- Tolerating disrespectful or toxic behavior by others, even when you have an option of removing yourself from the situation
Watch out for these behaviors, and when you catch yourself at them, say “Stop!” out loud. Then immediately do something that nourishes yourself. This might be any number of things; again, think of what you would do to reassure or nurture someone you love, like your best friend or maybe your child.
From my own experience as well as my work with my clients, I know that kindness and gentleness beat “tough love” any day. Here are a few ways to establish new, loving, and respectful behaviors and habits.
1. Gently ask yourself what you need at this precise moment.
This sounds weird and at first, and you might not get anywhere. Persist, though, and after some days or weeks, you will get an answer. Then, resist the urge to tell yourself you can’t or shouldn’t or don’t deserve it, and do whatever your need is (a nap/cup of tea/hug/bath/etc.).
2. Remember that you are worth the effort to…
…be comfortable where you sit, wear comfortable clothes, be clean and healthy, get plenty of sleep, eat the food you love, do things you enjoy, and take care of yourself. Remind yourself of this every day. And then make the effort.
3. Treat yourself.
Instead of splashing out on expensive luxury items, select a few, meaningful items that make you feel good about yourself, such as a lovingly hand-sewn dress from a tailor on Etsy or an organic home-cooked meal. This is a simple way to reinforce that you deserve your own love and kindness.
Grand gestures might feel good in the moment, but in order to truly change your perception of yourself, you need to perform lots of small, seemingly insignificant acts of love and self-compassion. It works like magic.
These days, I still feel myself slipping sometimes, but I catch it early and course-correct— so that I feel better about myself and attract more people who give me the respect I deserve. The change it has made, in terms of the quality of my life and my levels of happiness, is astonishing.
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What No One Tells You About Setting Boundaries: The Good, Bad, and Ugly
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi
Three years back was the first time I dared to set a boundary and be assertive in a friendship, and guess what? She blocked me on her phone, and we stopped being friends.
It came as a rude shock because I was quite invested in the friendship. Not only did we have good times together, but I had helped her search for and find a job and even babysat her kid for a long while free of charge. I felt betrayed and hurt. It made me feel like I was the one in the wrong, the bad person, and like I had no right to say what felt right to me.
I admit that I was early in my journey of being assertive and learning how to set boundaries, so my skill set wasn’t the best. But despite the mayhem and chaos it caused, it was a good thing for me.
We were similar in many ways, and I knew she was a lovely person. Still, I didn’t particularly appreciate that she always wanted to be in charge, acted as though she knew it all, only wanted her way, and behaved as though she had the world’s worst problems.
I empathized with her because she shared her struggles with me. But I didn’t share mine back partly because I wasn’t comfortable and partly because I felt there was no place for me; it was only about her. So, one day, when I’d had enough, I exploded and said what I had to say, rudely, and that ended the relationship.
Three years later, when the dust settled, we started talking. We are cordial, civilized, and respectful now. We share laughs and anecdotes, but it’ll never be the same because we’ve both changed, and our relationship has changed as well.
After taking this journey, I’ve concluded that being assertive and setting boundaries is not as easy as it sounds. But it’s the only way to regain your sense of self, sanity, and self-love.
What are the Benefits of Maintaining Boundaries?
Boundaries are limits between us and other people that enable us to honor our feelings, wants, and needs and take good care of ourselves. We need to set boundaries because:
- Boundaries offer protection against people who habitually do things that leave us feeling uncomfortable.
- Correcting troublesome behavior and letting other people know what’s acceptable or not, where we stand, and what we are willing to tolerate drastically improves our sense of self.
- Setting boundaries helps us trust ourselves and, in turn, trust others.
- It helps us treat ourselves and others as equal with respect and dignity.
- It teaches us what’s essential for us and gives us the courage to stand up for it.
- It builds our confidence as we work on our assertiveness muscle.
- Boundary-setting is generous to others because it allows them to grow and take responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their issues.
So, if boundary-setting is such a good thing, what’s the problem?
The problem is that it’s hard, especially for people who are not used to setting boundaries. It can make you question yourself and your intentions and turn your world topsy-turvy.
Why Is Boundary-Setting So Difficult?
Most people with weak boundaries:
- Are not aware of their needs, and this takes lots of time and practice.
- Are afraid to stand up for themselves.
- Don’t believe that they deserve to have their boundaries recognized and honored.
- Are afraid that people will think they are selfish.
- Think it is wrong to think about themselves because of various cultural or religious influences.
- Believe that what they want is unreasonable.
How Do You Start Setting Boundaries?
1. Take inventory.
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you were being taken advantage of, taken for granted, or treated disrespectfully? When you feel any of these things, you need to ask yourself:
- What are you feeling? Is it anger, hurt, betrayal?
- What brought about those feelings? What did the other person do? Did they disregard your feelings or act dismissive? Did they cross a line you’d rather no one cross?
- How did you react to the situation? Did you ignore it, make an excuse for them, or get angry and resentful but fake a smile?
- Why did you tolerate this behavior and respond this way? What were you afraid of?
So, the first step is being conscious of what happened and what you’re feeling.
This is essential because it helps you become aware of your needs, wants, and limits; notice when someone is neglecting or violating them; and reflect on how you usually respond—and why.
2. Be honest and courageous.
The second step is being honest about what you would like to do in the situation and reflecting so you can find the fairest and healthiest way to respond.
Then comes the hardest part: finding the courage to act even if it may displease, anger, or irritate the other person.
Everything inside you might scream that this is a mistake. You may feel scared, anxious, and even unsafe speaking up. But remember that ignoring the issue is not a solution because you will just end up feeling resentful if you continually avoid saying what you really want to say.
What No One Tells You About Setting Boundaries
1. You may feel guilty.
Somewhere down the line, you may have learned that your needs, feelings, and wants are less important than others’. When you start making changes, it may feel like you are embarking on a journey of selfishness and betraying the very core of your being.
2. You will likely make mistakes.
You are learning a new skill, and mistakes are bound to happen. You may overreact to minor issues or fail to communicate your feelings and needs accurately or clearly. There’s no right or wrong here, only a learning curve. You can always change your decision or apologize later if you realize that your decision wasn’t the best.
3. It sometimes feels like you are at war with yourself.
To some extent, that’s what this is. A war with what you once believed to be true but isn’t anymore, a war against your default responses.
4. It is not easy.
It will sometimes mean wrong turns, slip-ups, and lost relationships. But if you’re honest with yourself, you may realize that those relationships were already dead to begin with; you were trying to nurture doomed relationships because you were afraid to let them go.
5. It makes you confront demons you didn’t know you had.
Your insecurity, your feelings of low self-worth, your fear of being rejected or alone—all this and more bubbles to the surface when you get honest about why you’ve struggled with boundary-setting and start pushing past your blocks.
6. It takes all you have, tears you up, and breaks you down.
But when it’s all done and over, you build strength, wisdom, and trust in yourself. You learn to give your feelings more credence, knowing they’re an internal signal that something is off and you need to investigate them further so you can decide what’s really best for you.
So yes, boundaries can be life-changing, but the emotional upheaval that often accompanies them isn’t for the fainthearted. Changing yourself, getting out of your comfort zone, and doing what is right for you can trigger your reptilian brain, which craves safety, making you feel like you are doing something wrong. Arnold Bennett rightly says that all change, even for the better, is accompanied by discomfort.
Deepak Chopra said that “All great changes are preceded by chaos.” I believe the benefits of maintaining boundaries make the chaos worth it.
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How I Developed Self-Worth After Being Sexually Harassed and Fired
“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” ~Unknown
In my early twenties, I was a food and beverage manager at a nice hotel in Portland, Maine. About a month after I started working there, they hired our department director, a man twice my age whom I would report to.
At the end of his first week, we went out for a “get to know each other” drink at a loud and busy bar. As we drank and chatted, he was physically very close to me. I told myself it was because of the noise.
His knees were against mine as we chatted facing each other on barstools. It made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t do anything about it. He put his hand on my thigh as we talked. I pretended it didn’t bother me.
He leaned in very close to my face and ear as he talked about himself and told me how attractive I was. He led me through doorways with his hand gently on the small of my back.
There was more of this over the next few months. More of him stepping on and just over that invisible line. More of me acting as though I was okay with it and convincing myself that I was.
A few months after that night, he and I were in a position to fire a male employee who had several complaints against him for not doing his work.
The morning before the firing, Human Resources pulled me into their office to tell me that this employee had lodged a complaint about my boss and me. He had said that he knew we were going to fire him, and he believed it was because my boss and I were having an affair. His “proof” was that he saw us at the bar that Friday night and saw us “kissing.” There was even a line cook who backed up his story.
A few days later, both of these employees admitted that they didn’t exactly see us kissing, they just saw us talking very closely together, and it looked intimate.
HR dropped the complaint but no longer felt comfortable with firing this employee, so he stayed on. A few weeks later after a busy event that went poorly due to being understaffed, I was taken into the CEO’s office, and I was fired.
The male employee continued working there. My male boss continued working there. The male employee was promoted to take my now vacant position. My male boss was promoted to work at a larger resort at a tropical destination.
These two events—being accused of having an affair with my married older boss, and subsequently being fired for an event that I wasn’t even in charge of staffing—were the two lowest points of my professional career.
I honestly rarely think back to this time in my life, but I also recently realized that I never talk about this experience because of my embarrassment that I let this happen without objection.
What This Story is Really About
I didn’t think that my boss would hurt me. I wasn’t even worried that I would lose my job if I pushed back. I was afraid that if I acted like someone who was bothered by his comments, I would be seen as a lame, no fun, boring, stuck-up prude.
I subconsciously believed that my worthiness as a person was determined by people who were cooler than me, more successful than me, smarter than me, or more liked than me.
I believe that had I told my boss “no,” he would have listened. I’d gotten to know him over several months, and while he was egotistical, dim-witted, and selfish, I think he would have respected my boundaries had I set them. I just never did.
There are a lot of layers to this story. Far too many to cover in one post.
But the reason for writing this today is to share what I was so ashamed of. I was ashamed that young, twenty-something me was so insecure and so afraid of rejection that her people-pleasing led to allowing this man to touch her and act inappropriately.
She was so afraid that if she set a boundary and said “no” she would be seen as too emotional, weak, and a complainer. She would become “less than.”
I’ll restate that there are a lot of layers to this; from the patriarchal system at this business (and society as a whole), to the abuse of men in power, to mixed messages at high school where girls were not allowed to wear certain clothes because the boys would get distracted, to a lack of examples through the 90s/early 2000’s of what it looks like for a young woman to stand up for herself in a situation like this, and far beyond.
But the part of the story I want to focus on right now is my insecurity. This is the part of the story that I had the most shame and regret about, because this was not an isolated incident for me.
Insecurity was a Trend Throughout My Life
People-pleasing was a huge problem for me in several areas of my life for many years. It’s something that held me back from so much.
- I didn’t leave a long relationship that I’d dreamt of ending for fear that I would disappoint our families.
- I let people walk all over me, interrupt me while I spoke, and tell me what I should think.
- In my late twenties I remember being home alone, again, crying that I had no one who would want to spend time with me or go somewhere with me, feeling sad and lonely, when in reality I was just too scared and embarrassed to pick up the phone and ask, for fear of rejection.
I wasted so many years and felt a lot of pain, and a whole lot of nothing happened as I was stuck. Stuck feeling worthless, unlikable, and unknowing how to “please” my way out of it.
I spent years numbing how uncomfortable my insecurity made me feel by smoking a lot of pot. I avoided what I came to realize were my triggers by staying home or finding excuses to leave early if I did go out. I blamed everyone else for how they made me feel. I compared myself to everyone and constantly fell short.
Until eventually, I realized the cause for all this pain and discomfort was believing my worth was based on what other people thought of me.
The Emotional Toolbox That Saved Me
If I could go back in time to give myself one thing, it would be the emotional toolbox that I’ve collected over the years so that I could stop living to please other people, because I know now that I am inherently worthy.
By my thirties I found myself on a journey to lift the veil of insecurity that hid me from my real self. This wall I’d inadvertently built to protect myself was keeping me from seeing who I really was beneath my fear and anxiety.
Once I found the courage to start tearing down that wall and opening myself to the vulnerability necessary to truly connect with the real me, I was able to discern between who I am and what I do. I learned to stop judging myself. I learned my true value. And I liked what I saw.
Finding My Core Values
I came to realize that it’s hard to feel worthy when you don’t really like yourself. And it’s even harder to genuinely like yourself if you don’t truly know yourself. Figuring out my core values was a crucial part of the puzzle.
Core values are the beliefs, principles, ideals, and traits that are most important to you. They represent what you stand for, what you’re committed to, and how you want to operate in the world.
Knowing your core values is like having a brighter flashlight to get through the woods at night. It shines a light on the path ahead—a path that aligns with your true self—so that you can show up in the world and to challenging situations as the person you want to be.
It helps you decide in any given scenario if you want to be funny or compassionate, direct or easy-going, decisive or open-minded. These aren’t easy decisions to make, but knowing how you want to be in this world helps you make the decisions that best align with your authentic self.
And when you truly know yourself and act intentionally and authentically in tune with your values (as best as you can) a magical thing happens: You connect with your own inherent worthiness.
For me, I came to realize that I am a compassionate, kind, courageous, funny, well-balanced woman constantly in pursuit of purposeful growth. I like that person. She’s cool. I’d hang out with her.
More importantly, I believe she is a good person deserving of respect. Which means I don’t need to accept situations that cross my boundaries. I have a right to speak up when something makes me uncomfortable.
So how do you want to be? Which of your principles and qualities matter most to you? And what would you do or change if you chose to let those principles and qualities guide you?
Connecting With Others About My Shame
Shame breeds in the darkness. We don’t normally speak up about the things that we feel embarrassed about. And that leads to us feeling isolated and alone with how we feel.
Whether it’s reading stories online, talking with friends, joining a support group, going to therapy, or working with a coach, share and listen. A vital component of self-compassion is learning to connect over our shared experiences. And it takes self-compassion to respect and believe in our own self-worth, especially when confronted with our inner critic.
By sharing my feelings of insecurity, I learned that a beautiful friend of mine also felt ugly. I thought, “Wow, if someone that gorgeous could think of herself as anything less than, my thinking might be wrong too.” I found out that even talented celebrities from Lady Gaga to Arianna Huffington to Maya Angelou have all felt insecure about their abilities. That somehow gave me permission to feel the way that I did, which was the first step in letting it go.
Who can you connect with? If you’re not sure, or you aren’t at a place yet in your journey to feel comfortable doing that, perhaps start by reading stories online.
Coaching Myself Through Insecurity
Alas, I am only human. Therefore, I still fall victim to moments of insecurity and feel tempted to let other people dictate my worth. Knowing that purposeful growth is important to me, I know that the work continues, and I’m willing to do it.
So I coach myself through those challenging times when I say something stupid and worry about being judged or I come across someone who is similar to me, but more successful and fear that means I’m not good enough. I’ll ask myself questions as a way of stepping out of self-judgment mode, and into an open and curious mindset. These are questions like:
- If my good friend was experiencing this, how would I motivate her?
- Did I do the best I could with what I had?
- If the universe gave me this experience for a reason, what lesson am I supposed to be learning so that I can turn this into a meaningful experience?
- What uncomfortable thing am I avoiding? Am I willing to be uncomfortable in order to go after what I want?
Or I’ll break out the motivational phrases that remind me of my capabilities or worthiness like:
- I can do hard things.
- My worthiness is not determined by other people’s opinions.
- This is just one moment in time, and it will pass.
- Even though this is difficult, I’m willing to do it.
- I forgive myself for making a mistake. I’ve learned from it and will do better next time.
Tools like these are simple, but priceless. They gave me my life. And I can say now without hesitation, I like myself, I love myself, I love my life, I’m worthy as hell, and I’m my own best friend. That’s how I want to live my life.
Because of this, I have the confidence to speak my truth with courage, and I have the confidence to live authentically and unapologetically myself. And the number one person I’m most concerned with pleasing is myself.
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Why I No Longer Fight for Acknowledgment When Someone Devalues Me
“People will teach you how to love by not loving you back. People will teach you how to forgive by not apologizing. People will teach you kindness by their judgment. People will teach you how to grow by remaining stagnant. Pay attention when you’re going through pain and mysterious times. Listen to the wisdom life is trying to teach you.” ~Meredith Marple
“The ad was a misprint. We can’t offer you any monetary compensation for your writing, maybe dog treats.”
This is an actual response from a successful animal-themed magazine I was going to write for. This letter went on to say that if my love for animals exceeded my need for money, then they would be happy to have me write for them, which I took as a personal offense since I am a huge animal lover.
You can’t make this stuff up!
With experiences like these, I am no stranger to feeling devalued in my career, and I have a hard time accepting a lack of consideration and respect. Case in point…
Another magazine responded that they were interested in a particular piece I wrote, then proceeded to drop communication. Dozens of follow-ups went unanswered until the one day I had enough. I felt so disrespected, as if I didn’t matter enough to at least receive a response. I wrote a type of letter I had never written before to this magazine, and in turn, I learned a hard life lesson.
My email detailed how disappointed I was in the lack of etiquette from the people who ran this once-favorite magazine of mine.
I had let my anger build in true Sagittarian form and let out my storm of personal truth.
I received a response!
The editor apologized and forwarded this angry email onto the person above her, but guess what happened next?
I tried submitting again, and again, even recently, again!
No response.
I am convinced that they have purposely ceased communication with me now.
While the way I was raised and what I believe to be basic human decency justify this act of standing up for myself, all it really did to this person with different values, I’m sure, is make me look immature and emotional. And I imagine I burned a possible bridge.
Now I realize that, regardless of what I did, they may have continued to handle their submissions with the same disregard, but after the initial, indignant warrior high, I had nothing but regret.
What I learned is that in many situations, standing up and fighting for acknowledgement isn’t necessarily the wisest action.
This of course depends on the situation.
In this situation, I should have simply moved on instead of taking it so personally and allowing this one encounter to take up so much energy in my heart and fill my being with negativity.
There’s also nowhere to move forward when you’re living within the emotion of anger and hurt. All I did is get myself worked up over something that was beyond my control. And I failed to look at the situation objectively and consider the many reasons why they may not have responded to my emails.
I was also disrespecting myself by putting so much hope, belief, and self-identification into what, at the end of the day, is a business. There’s truth to the line, “It’s business, not personal,” yet I never seemed to grasp that enough to create emotional separation, which is what I do now.
Maybe my emails truly did get lost in the shuffle. Maybe the editor had something going on in their personal life that was overwhelming and they simply didn’t need this submission. Maybe my email was just one email too many. Maybe they’re understaffed and often far behind with emails. I can’t possibly know what’s really going on in someone else’s mind or life, and that’s the way I need to look at these situations to move on with grace.
This world is made up of many different people with different priorities and life situations. I learned that there is nothing wrong with sticking to my values and asserting myself, but it doesn’t help anything to challenge someone who is coming from a different world than my own.
Now, I ask myself…
Is standing up, speaking up, worth burning a bridge?
I think about the other person’s life and workload, and where they may be coming from, not to justify, but to understand.
I journal or create art to let the hurt out.
I take deep breaths.
I exercise the frustration and inevitable lack of closure out from my body.
“Sleeping on it” also has great value, as well as genuine quiet contemplation time.
A lot of times standing up against personal injustice doesn’t change the inflictor, but it will always change you, for better or worse.
At least that is what I have found.
Most of all, if being vulnerable with someone makes me feel horrible in my own skin because they clearly hold different values, I now walk away. I simply try to acknowledge the difference in character and move forward on my own path.
These experiences continue to crop up in different forms, and I believe have changed me for the better. People who have broken my spirit by devaluing and ignoring me have actually led me to having more empathy. I have the desire to reach out to people more because I have observed what a lack of human acknowledgement can do to a person.
I am by no means perfect—none of us are—but I promise myself that I will always get back to people in a timely manner because I know what it’s like to feel disregarded and unimportant.
I am deeply in tune to other people’s pain, which at times can make me feel unbelievably heavy but somehow creates a profound desire in me to reach out with as much love as possible.
I also really appreciate people who do respond to emails, letters, phone calls. These people remind me of who I want to be and also remind me that I get to choose who I align myself with in my personal and professional life.
I learned a lot from the times that I have acted out from my own opinions and values.
I learned that pushing my perspective on someone else often creates more harm, and in most cases won’t change how they view a particular situation. They may forever be on the opposite side of that long, thick tug-of-war rope.
Sometimes I think it’s better to let go, turn away, and face forward to the people and life that you desire. If the bridge is broken, don’t burn it, you never know, but don’t try climbing onto it because then you will inevitably fall and lose yourself in the process.
I say, continue to hold true to your values and stances and spread love by living them instead of spreading animosity by insisting on obtaining justice from those who don’t share the same life views.
Finally, keep seeking out your people, your friends who would never ignore or purposely disrespect you, because those people will reinforce to you that you deserve attention and acknowledgement, whether everyone values you or not.
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The Signs of a Strong Friendship (and an Unhealthy One)
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” ~Oprah Winfrey
“How on earth am I supposed to survive? I have no friends whatsoever!”
These were the thoughts that ran through my mind then when I first set foot in London five years ago. I felt raw and vulnerable in the beautiful new city that I had to make my new home, alone, with my two kids, while my husband was overseas. I wondered how I was supposed to do it all.
Well, I had J, a friend I’d met on my honeymoon in Bali, but we had only kept in touch occasionally, so I didn’t expect much from her. I couldn’t really call her my friend, maybe a pleasant acquaintance, but surprisingly she turned out to be my much-needed rock-solid support system and guardian angel.
Every Saturday after work, she came over to my place, and we hung out. Sometimes we would walk to the park. Other times she would encourage me to drive (something I resisted). She visited my daughter when she fell and was in a cast and made my four-year-old daughter’s birthday memorable. She even helped me put up my garden table and chair. To say that I was grateful for her kindness would be an understatement.
I was grateful—one, because the help and friendship she offered was unexpected. Secondly, because she did it with a great and open heart. And lastly, because she accepted me for who I was and what I could offer at that point.
For the first time in my life, I was a ‘receiver’ in a friendship. Until then, I was always the giver.
But with J, things were different. Her generosity touched me so much, so I thanked her often and told her how much I truly appreciated the trouble she took. But she always shrugged it off. One day as I was thanking her for the millionth time, she said, “Lana, the friendship goes both ways. I too appreciate hanging out with you and your little kids. They add a lot of joy to my life also!”
She then proceeded to tell me that she lost two of her friends to cancer in the last few years, and the sudden losses left her feeling devastated. She said spending time with us helped her through that. I was shocked to hear it but was also pleased to know that my kids and I could fill that void for her in our imperfect selves.
Her honesty and generosity taught me some essential lessons on friendship and helped me differentiate between a healthy and unhealthy one. So, let’s unpack them.
The Tell-Tale Signs of Healthy Friendship
1. There is an equal amount of give and take in the relationship. Both people’s needs are considered essential, and the friendship doesn’t feel lopsided.
2. You’re both honest and transparent with each other. When J honestly opened up to me, it cemented our friendship because it made me feel equally important. Till then, I thought I was the vulnerable person in need of her, and I was surprised to know that she needed me as well.
3. You’re both kind and compassionate, and you completely accept each other. Whenever J arrived, she was always considerate of how overwhelmed I was. She was happy to have an overwhelmed, scared, and disoriented friend and accepted me for who I was.
4. Good friends don’t try to control, dictate, or tell you how to live your life. Though I was new to many things, she didn’t try to control me. She offered suggestions and sometimes pushed me out of my comfort zone but never crossed any boundaries. She gave me the space I needed.
5. Good friends are generous—with their time, resources, or whatever they have to give. J was generous with her time and company and took me to various places. I was happy to have another adult with me as I visited new locations with my girls.
6. Good friends appreciate each other and don’t try to take advantage of each other’s vulnerabilities.
7. Good friends don’t try to manipulate the other for personal gain. They may help each other, but they don’t use each other. They spend time together because they care for each other and enjoy each other’s company, not because they want something from each other.
Whenever there is an equal amount of give-and-take in a relationship, honesty, respect, and empathy for one another, you can be sure it is a keeper.
Through J, I learned that friendship is a two-way street. Before that, I had no standards and welcomed anyone and everyone in my life as friends. Even the ones who walked all over me and took advantage. J upped the bar for me.
So, what are the signs of an unhealthy friendship?
1. It feels one-sided. The other person dominates the friendship and prioritizes their needs and wants over yours.
2. They’re insensitive to your needs—they don’t consider them essential, or they trivialize them as unnecessary, either by joking or making your needs sound insignificant.
3. They subtly undermine you, implying that you aren’t good enough, can’t do what you want to do, or shouldn’t bother pursuing your wants, needs, and interests.
4. They see you as a means to an end, meaning you are useful for some specific purpose. Maybe you can help them move forward with their career, or you’re a bridge to connecting with someone else.
5. They do not respect you—they ignore your boundaries, talk to you in a condescending tone, and/or treat you like you’re not a priority.
6. They don’t respect or appreciate your time or effort.
7. They’re demanding and think everything rotates around them.
8. They have numerous issues that they can never sort out on their own. They never ask about you; you’re only there to listen to their problems and service their needs.
9. They’re always competing with you, and everything is a game where they want to be the winner.
10. They don’t want to know about you—your past, your feelings, or your interests.
11. They repeatedly bail on you unexpectedly, as if they don’t value your time together.
Walter Winchell says that “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” Here’s hoping you find that real friend who understands you, lifts you, and brings out the best in you!
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How to Stop Losing Yourself and Giving Your Power Away in Dating
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brené Brown
I was a serial dater for a decade.
Dating can be fun and exciting, but it can also come with lots of disappointment and emotional pain.
All those rejections, ghosting, and shattered hopes had a huge impact on me.
They left me feeling exhausted and heartbroken. Probably because I dated too much but also because I didn’t do much to protect myself and my energy on these dating adventures.
I’d say yes to many men who were not suitable for me, because I didn’t want to be single. I’d do things that I didn’t fully agree with just to keep the relationship going. I’d dishonor my own values and ideals so I wasn’t lonely. I was too available for men. I didn’t realize the power of no in dating.
I lost faith in love. I lost my confidence and self-esteem. It took me a while to realize that it was unhealthy; but eventually, I did.
One day, I understood that the price was too high to pay and it was not worth it. I was losing myself—the most important person in my life. I was betraying myself. I was dishonoring my own needs and wants.
The pain I experienced during those dating years was the greatest catalyst for my transformation, like it often is in life. We want to avoid the pain at all costs, but the pain makes us find strength for making difficult decisions and the motivation for making radical changes in our life.
I actually bless all the painful experiences I’ve had. They helped me wake up.
They helped me to re-evaluate my approach to dating and relationships.
They helped me step into my power and start to respect myself more in order to find men who would respect me back.
It was the pain that helped me stop dating compulsively and find a better way. One day, enough was enough. I was ready for something else.
I took a break to reconnect with myself. During these months, I reviewed all my previous relationships, all the dating I’d done and the men I was attracting.
It wasn’t looking good. But honesty brings clarity, and clarity gives us an opportunity to make some decisions.
I made many life changes and promises to myself, but there was one obvious thing that stood out to me.
My boundaries in dating were way too weak. That’s why I was creating so much heartache in my dating and love life. That’s why I was losing myself in relationships.
I was giving my power away by being way too accommodating and compromising too much.
Because of weak boundaries, I allowed myself to stay in dysfunctional relationships for far too long. I was attracting men who couldn’t give me what I wanted. I’d accept the crumbs of love and never ask for more. I never stood up for myself. I never said no when I felt like it. I’d ignore red flags and never challenge men who treated me poorly.
I needed to start to value and respect myself more. And I found the best way to do this was to strengthen my own boundaries.
This decision changed the dating experience for me, on so many levels. In truth, it changed the course of my love life.
I learned to say no in dating, and I said it to many, many men before I was able to say yes to my current partner.
I became much more selective and careful when choosing the men I dated.
I developed zero tolerance for mind games, commitment-phobes, guys who just wanted to have fun, inconsistency, indecisiveness, and disrespect.
And it served me very well.
I believe that I found the love of my life, after dating aimlessly for ten years, due to the fact that I defined my non-negotiables and I religiously stuck to them, no matter what.
To help you understand where you are with your boundaries, I will begin by explaining what boundaries are.
Simply put, boundaries are the limits you set for yourself in dating, in love, and in life. Things you are not willing to tolerate, put up with, accept, or compromise on. Your boundaries are your rules! I also interchangeably call them non-negotiables.
A few signs of weak boundaries are:
- Over giving and people pleasing
- Saying yes when you mean no
- Losing yourself in relationships
- Overcommitting
- Prioritizing others at the expense of your own well-being
- Compromising, accommodating, and justifying
- Settling for less than you deserve
- Feeling taken for granted or resentful
Your boundaries have a few important roles in dating. They protect your personal space, your values, and your sense of self. Weak boundaries leave you vulnerable and likely to be taken for granted, or even abused, by others.
Here are five reasons why you need to have strong boundaries in place.
1. They protect you.
Without healthy boundaries, you will be hurt way too often. You will allow people into your life who don’t have genuine intentions and who are not looking for the same things that you are. Boundaries help you bring the right people into your life.
You need to identify what you want, what is good for you, and what kind of partner you want to attract. And you need to start rejecting anyone who doesn’t have the qualities you are looking for. Otherwise, you will be wasting lots of time in dating and random relationships. Not to mention the amount of heartache you are going to experience. You need strong boundaries to protect your own heart.
2. They communicate your value.
People who have strong boundaries radiate more confidence and self-respect; hence, they are more attractive. Boundaries show how much love you have for yourself and how much you value yourself. They help you attract the right people—people who value and respect what you do.
Lack of boundaries is often linked to feeling unworthy and unlovable. Boundaries tell people how you want to be treated based on what you believe you deserve. They also help others understand how you want to be valued and respected.
3. They save you time, energy, and sanity.
Your boundaries help others know where they stand with you and what your expectations are. For example, in dating, when you know what you will accept and what you won’t tolerate, and you openly express it with your potential date (at the right time and in a non-aggressive way), you give people an opportunity to decide whether they will respect your boundaries or not.
If they won’t, they will quickly disappear from your life and will save you time and energy. It will be either too much work for them or you’ll just thank them because they will be too much work for you. Rather than wasting time on the wrong people and relationships, you move on quickly and open yourself up to some more suitable dating opportunities.
4. They empower you.
Boundaries help you honor yourself. They help you honor your needs. They help you take responsibility for your own well-being. They help you become more assertive. They help you stand firmly in your own power.
When you start being more mindful about your boundaries and start saying no to things/situations that don’t serve you or drain you, you will start putting into place healthy limits around dating, work, and people. You will start to feel proud of yourself. You will feel a sense of empowerment. You will feel like you are more in control of your own life.
5. They help you love and respect yourself.
There is no bigger act of self-love than having healthy boundaries. Your boundaries reflect how much you love and value yourself.
When you communicate your boundaries, you let other people know that you know yourself. You let them know what is in your best interest and you are not willing to compromise on the important things in your life. Having boundaries is about loving and respecting yourself. And when you do, you get love and respect back from others.
How to Strengthen Your Boundaries
1. Start to say no when it feels like a no.
So often, we say yes to things we really don’t want to do, or don’t have time or energy for. We want to be polite and keep others happy. We do it so we don’t get rejected or lose people. But at the same time, we are being unkind to ourselves and making ourselves miserable.
Bring more awareness to your day-to-day life and start observing how often you say yes to things you want to say no to. After a while, start actually saying no when you truly mean it.
Saying no is an ultimate act of self-love. Saying no is empowering. When you start saying no, you’ll start feeling happier, your relationships will improve, and your self-esteem will get a boost, because you’ll be honoring yourself!
A no doesn’t need to be blunt and rigid. You can find a loving way to say no. Here are a few examples:
- Let me think about it.
- I am not quite ready for this.
- Thanks, but it’s not going to work out.
- I am not sure I really want it right now.
- I’d prefer not to.
- I feel this is not the right time for me.
- I’m okay for now.
- I’m not able to commit to that at the moment.
2. Start being more mindful of what you are saying yes to, and why.
Anything to please others, out of guilt or fear, or because you want to avoid confrontation, is out of alignment. Start saying yes only to things that serve you, bring you joy, pleasure, or happiness, or agree with you and your values in the first place. Often, when you say yes to something that doesn’t feel like a complete yes, it’s really a no.
A few questions to explore to define whether your yes is aligned:
- When do you say yes when you really want to say no?
- What do you say yes to?
- How do you feel about it?
- What would you like to say no to?
One thing to remember: It’s one thing to set your boundaries and know what they are. It’s another thing to actually honor and stick to them. There is no point in having boundaries if you don’t honor them. If you don’t honor them, nobody else will.
As hard as it can be initially, over time they will make you feel amazing. At the beginning, you will feel fear—fear of being rejected, of losing people, of being perceived as rude, of hurting others.
But you will need to learn that how people respond and feel about your boundaries is not your responsibility.
Your responsibility is to communicate your boundaries in the most loving way possible, without accusing, blaming, and criticizing. The best way to do it is to use “I feel…” statements. Just describe how you feel about the situation, or the person, so it’s more about you, not the recipient.
Healthy boundaries help you take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally. They help you respect your needs, feelings, and desires. They help you eliminate drama and emotional pain from your dating. They help you create healthy relationships with others.
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You have the power to set the tone for the quality of your dating, and every relationship in your life, simply by putting some healthy boundaries into place.
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What If We Listened and Opened Our Minds Instead of Shouting and Judging?
“If you can laugh with somebody and relate to somebody, it becomes harder to dehumanize them. I think that most of what we are constantly bombarded with in terms of media leads you to a creation of ‘the Other’ and a dehumanization of ‘the Other,’ and it’s very much an us-versus-them conversation.” ~Jehane Noujaim
People are really hard to hate up close.
In today’s acrimonious political climate, whole groups of people seem to be pitted against one another based on various political, ideological, class, geographic and racial classifications. And yet, spend a day with “the other” and it’s difficult to resist the gravitational forces of our shared humanity that make those walls come a’ tumbling down.
New York State, like many others, has a wonderful tradition of civilian run elections. Each polling precinct is manned by four election inspectors—two Democrats and two Republicans.
From 5:30am to 9:00pm—other than the two thirty-minute breaks to which each inspector is entitled—these four individuals spend every moment together sharing responsibility over the most minute of tasks, from opening packets of ballots to recording the serial number of the dozen or so seals on various documents and pieces of equipment.
Once the polls are closed, vote tallies recorded and everything securely stowed, usually round 9:30pm, everyone goes home. It’s a long day.
For these sixteen hours of work, all inspectors are earn $225, or around $14 per hour—not bad, but well below the earning potential of most of the inspectors. Many of the inspectors are “old-timers” who have been doing this three or four times a year (in addition to the big November elections, there are primary elections and other local referendums) for many years.
Last year, sort of in between jobs and living in the United States for the first time in many years, I decided to become an election inspector.
Far removed from America’s increasingly bitter political divide, I was a little bit apprehensive about what to expect or how this was all going to work so harmoniously. After all, the America I left after graduating from college was one in which people from all segments of our political spectrum—which compared to other countries’ is surprisingly narrow—could have a discussion without being branded white supremacists, snowflakes, fascists, or traitors.
Once upon a time in the quaint old days less than twenty years ago, political talk was sometimes pleasant and not always so insufferable and divisive.
Like all others, my polling station had three other inspectors. One of the other inspectors turned out to be the father of a girl I’d grown up with from our Hebrew school days but had not seen in nearly twenty years, once a close family friend.
Another was a retired school administrator, an Irish guy who had grown up in the Bronx and slowly migrated ten miles or so north to Westchester County over the course of his life.
Finally, there was an African American lady who had been born, raised, and was still living in Mount Vernon, a nearby city perhaps most notable as the sometime home of Malcolm X.
As the hours passed and different members of the team shared the various responsibilities and each took his or her break time, everyone found themselves getting to know the others one by one.
With the one guy whose daughter I used to know, reconnecting was fun, and nothing seemed to have changed other than that we were all older.
The Irish guy shared my love and knowledge of the local waterways (I’m a sailor and he’s a diver). He was a Republican who didn’t vote for and viscerally disliked President Trump; he was more of a John McCain or Nelson Rockefeller kind of guy who felt Trump was an abomination to his lifelong political affiliation.
The African-American lady was a Democrat who, judging by her apparent age, may very well have remembered or even met Malcolm X during the tumultuous Civil Rights Era, didn’t like Trump either but also didn’t understand the current white supremacy scare. She remembered a lot worse racial tension and fear in her lifetime and thought that all the recent talk was based in reality but overblown.
During the slow portions of those sixteen hours, even when politics came up, nobody raised their voices nor found anything to get angry about. Politics was sprinkled around more immediately pressing topics like family, local community developments, and lunch.
And, where there were disagreements, after talking it all out with the copious amount of time that we had on our hands, it became clear that there was a strong foundation of shared values—respect for individual freedoms, belief in racial equality, etc.—on top of which the (relatively minor) disagreements were built. There was much more in common than there was different.
You would never know it from reading the headlines, but this observation is actually reflective of society at large, as political science studies and public opinion polls over the years have consistently shown a clustering of public sentiment on most major issues toward the center.
And yet, the loudest and most extreme voices seem to be the one that dominate the debate. Controversies erupt over smaller and smaller issues, such as symbols of past oppression as actual oppression becomes less prevalent.
It’s not that today’s issues are trivial—you would certainly be concerned if you were a gender non-conforming person being forced into using a bathroom based on your biological sex or an African American who had to pass by a statue of Jefferson Davis every day on your way to work—but that the final 10% of every issue, namely the public policy prescription for how to “solve” it, is nowadays typically built on top of an agreement over 90% of the multiple facets and relevant fundamental questions involved.
Only the most extreme fringe elements of society support institutionalized discrimination, secession from the nation, limitation of basic rights, etc. In most instances, the disagreement is over the “how to get there” as opposed to the “where we are going” or “who we are.”
More importantly, whatever people’s political beliefs, it is exceedingly rare to find people today who are consciously bigoted. He might think men are men and women are women like in the good old days, but faced with an actual person—maybe his son or nephew—undergoing a struggle with gender, those fixed opinions usually soften.
She might not get her sister-in-law’s “churchiness” but nevertheless appreciate the values it seems to instill.
These prejudices are borne from ignorance and isolation, not hate.
Moreover, even among people affiliated with bigoted or extreme views or organizations, it is my firm belief that what is at work is more an unfortunate facet of group psychology: it is easy to hate a distant group, a faceless enemy, or a caricature of a supposed threat.
It is even easier when riled up by a group of like-minded people, an all-too-common phenomenon as America self-segregates by class, culture, and geography.
And, to pour gasoline on top of this whole incendiary situation, it is still easier when these types of conflicts sell papers and generate clicks, especially within marginalized communities suffering economic or cultural dislocation.
Not surprisingly, the most extreme and bigoted views are typically found in relatively homogenous and often economically distressed communities far away from many of the problems or “bad guys” they fear. When people get together, hate becomes difficult to maintain, and it is difficult not to relate with one another on some level.
I wonder how fixed all of these angry opinions would be if we all at least once spent sixteen hours at a polling station or had to live and work in ideologically integrated communities or even share a meal with “the other.”
I wonder how long it would take the narrative of this hopelessly divided nation to unravel before the truth that we all share so much more than what divides us.
Perhaps there is a small duty we should take on each and every day from now on.
If you’re reading this, you probably already accept the most basic spiritual truism that we are all part of something greater, and the goal of nirvana or heaven or whatever you choose to call it is the oneness without separation from all life.
Why not endeavor to keep that in mind the next time you are in a heated political argument or shouting at the television? After all, the concept of oneness isn’t meant to be merely a comforting idea but a way to live, a view of a better earth.
Even better, why not go out of your way to break down the daunting barriers that divide us? Reach out and engage or listen to someone outside of the type of person who would normally be inclined to agree with your point of view.
And, your engagement need not be about politics. Maybe it would be even better to focus on something that’s shared. You’ll probably find the “daunting barrier” is more like a “thin veneer.”
There is also gratitude, an indispensable daily practice in a spiritually oriented life. Once again, the issues involved in politics today are not trivial—injustice is alive and well in this world, and so much needs fixing. However, can we not each day take a moment and realize how far we have come?
For example, white supremacists were able to muster a few hundred people to march on Charlottesville, VA in the largest such rally in decades. Have we forgotten that less than a century ago the majority of America—not a fringe group—shared most of their uglier points of view?
Likewise, while poverty in America remains a stubborn problem, can we not be thankful that we are indisputably living in an age of unprecedented prosperity among humankind?
The point of this gratitude is not to engender complacency. There is simply too much at stake. However, if we can find space for gratitude, perhaps even the most strident voice of the most passionate advocate of whatever policy could be softened. The angry activist could become the happy warrior.
And that’s one of the major ironies of today’s politics, that with such an air of negativity, even the most just cause will repel fair-minded people. Gratitude can help us to stop shouting and start listening and speaking with one another with respect and love.
This is how spirituality and consciousness, which are as a genre of writing or literary interest so often completely divorced from current affairs, can help heal our poisonous political atmosphere.
After all, spirituality isn’t about escaping the world and self-soothing by occupying a peaceful place in the clouds; it’s about gaining the strength to thrive in a challenging world and even doing the hard work to make it better.
As I found, after sitting in an overtly political setting for sixteen hours with three other apparently very different people who disagreed on a lot of topics, the work isn’t always so hard. It can even be fun.
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Why No One Needs “Fixing” or Wants Unsolicited Advice
“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’re lost.” ~Dalai Lama
Have you ever felt the urge to fix someone? And by fix I mean observe their circumstances and tell them what you think they’re doing wrong and exactly how you think they should fix it?
We’ve all done it. We’re all guilty.
Especially with close friends or family.
“If he would only listen to me and do what I say then everything would work out just fine!”
Sound familiar?
I was having tea with a good friend the other week (let’s call her Sally), and she was relating with much exasperation the story of how her sister was wasting her life in her corporate job when she was SO creative and should be working for herself in a creative role. And then she would be happy (according to Sally). Which apparently she’s not (according to Sally).
Sally went on further to say (with as much exasperation) that she had called her and conveyed this opinion to her sister. Because Sally felt she was right and that her sister needed saving. Not surprisingly, it was not very well received. In fact, Sally’s sister was pretty miffed. And didn’t take the advice. Or speak to her for ages.
I’m willing to bet Sally’s sister didn’t even consider the advice. Not for a minute. And not because she disagrees but more likely because she’s offended at being told what to do. After all, she didn’t ask Sally for an opinion.
And there’s the first problem.
If someone doesn’t ask for your opinion, they’re likely not open to it hearing it.
It’s quite simple really.
When you ask a question it’s because you’re interested in hearing the answer.
Which means you’re interested in the topic being discussed.
Which further means you’re going to consider the answer with interest and (hopefully) decide from an unemotional stance as to whether you agree with it or not.
The opposite applies when an opinion—however well intended—is provided without your consent.
Had Sally’s sister called and asked for advice, the outcome may have been quite different.
In my early twenties I remember having tea with my mom and enthusing excitedly about a new business idea I’d had. Now, my mom was from the “old school” where job security was your first priority, and in her world it was safest to find a “nice” job in a “nice” company and stay there until you retire or die (whichever comes first).
Unsurprisingly, her response to my idea was one of complete skepticism and doubt. Which she verbalized immediately. Very loudly. And critically.
In those days I didn’t have the awareness I have now. I didn’t see that this was simply her own fears being transferred onto me and had absolutely nothing to do with me. Nope, I reacted. Badly. And took it personally.
After all, I hadn’t asked her for her opinion. I was just sharing an idea.
I had expected her to be enthusiastic about my enthusiasm. To be supportive. To trust my judgment.
Instead, I felt incredibly crushed. And I started doubting myself.
And I felt a lot of anger toward her.
But most importantly, I stopped sharing my dreams with her. And over the years I told her less and less. Because I knew she’d give me her (fearful) opinion. For which I had never asked.
The second problem is, you’re assuming the person needs fixing, that what they’re doing is “wrong.”
Our journey in this lifetime is our own. We’re the only ones who know what is best for us. And only we have a full perspective of all the elements of our lives and how they serve us.
Even when we’re facing challenges, they are ours to face down. Our way. And when we see fit.
Yes, we need to take responsibility for any fall-out, but isn’t that where our growth lies? Making choices and then dealing with the consequences? Good or bad?
Maybe Sally’s sister is comfortable in her current corporate position. Maybe she feels secure with her stable income. And maybe she uses her creativity in a different way within her current position.
Maybe from her perspective she doesn’t have a problem.
My parents had a terrible relationship. At least that’s what I always told myself.
They argued. Constantly.
There was little or no affection. Ever.
I always wondered why they stayed together. Surely they would both be happier apart? This relationship was simply wrong.
In my view it epitomized the very essence of all the things you shouldn’t do or be in any relationship. And I told my mom this. Even though she hadn’t asked.
Shortly after they both retired they moved to the coast to be closer to their grandchild. My dad had always been a workaholic and in his career he had travelled a lot. Not surprisingly, this really suited my mom. She loved her own company. Now in retirement he was home. All the time. And followed her around like a puppy.
She was unhappy. Incredibly so. And would vent this to me at any opportunity.
From my perspective, the answer was obvious. It was time to end this sham of a union. And I told her just that. With abundant justification and a healthy dose of righteousness.
It was simple. If she would just Do. As. I. Say.
But she didn’t. I don’t even think she really heard me. She did what we all do when we get uninvited “solutions” to our perceived problems: She got defensive. Really defensive. About her marriage and my dad.
And we argued quite aggressively and loudly. And then we didn’t speak for many weeks as we both simmered in quiet indignation. I absolutely believed I was right.
And yet, now that I’m older and wiser, I can look back and see that in my parents’ world it was right.
For them.
It worked.
For her. And him.
We can never know how someone else’s circumstances (however bad they seem) will serve them in the bigger picture of their life’s journey.
We can never know what someone else’s perspective is around an event that we may judge as bad. Or wrong.
Maybe in their world it’s right. Or good.
It’s hard (really hard) to watch people we love go through hardship. Our instinct is to help. Or fix.
But remember.
In any relationship our only obligation is to show up and bear witness. Unconditionally. That’s all. We only ever want to fix someone because ultimately it’ll make us feel better.
Why do we feel uncomfortable when someone close is facing challenges? Maybe that’s the question we need to ask ourselves.
Sometimes feeling discomfort is what provides the momentum that’s needed for that person to make some changes. In their own time. Not ours.
Trust that their judgment will serve them irrespective of whether we agree with it or not.
Respect their journey.
Try it next time you feel the urge to fix.
That’s your growth right there.
