Tiny Buddha

Tag: resistance

  • When It’s Time to Let Go: The Freedom of Accepting What Can’t Be Changed

    When It’s Time to Let Go: The Freedom of Accepting What Can’t Be Changed

    Colors of happiness

    “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” ~Helen Keller

    Years ago, a friend had a small party for her son’s fifth birthday. I was expecting to spend most of the party talking to the other adults. But that’s not what happened. Instead, at the insistence of my friend’s son, I spent most of the party entertaining him and the other children.

    Occasionally, I would escape to the living room to talk to the other adults. But before long my friend’s son would emerge from his bedroom and drag me back to play with him and the other kids.

    The truth is that I didn’t mind. In fact, I actually enjoyed the attention. And what happened at the birthday party has been the story of my life. Kids have always been drawn to me, and vice versa.

    Children draw out parts of my personality that adults rarely see: my silly side, my creative side, my playful side. I’m an expert at improvising engaging games and activities for children. And of course, I always join in the fun!

    And yet, despite the natural affinity that I have for children, for most of my adult life I’ve been indifferent to having my own kids. I’ve seen firsthand from family members and from friends how much responsibility children are. And the truth is that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take on that responsibility.

    My feelings toward having children changed as I got older and entered my forties. I realized that I really did want to start a family and that having a child was my most important goal.

    Unfortunately, I have reached a point where I seriously doubt that I will ever achieve my goal of having a child. My forty-seventh birthday is rapidly approaching. And my wife will soon turn thirty-nine.

    Granted, we could still become parents. The truth, though, is that I have reservations about having a child at my age, knowing that I’d be responsible for caring for someone into at least my mid sixties. And I worry about what would happen to my child if I were to die when they were still young.

    And so I am slowly accepting that I’ll never be a father, that I’ll never hold my child in my arms.

    I’m accepting that I’ll never hear my child’s first words, never see them take their first steps.

    I’m accepting that I’ll never get to take them to the park, never get to help them with their homework, never get to hold them when they’re going through a tough time.

    Chances are, you’re in a position similar to me. Chances are you too need to accept that you’ll never achieve a particular goal or dream that was important to you.

    Maybe you also need to accept that you’ll never have a child. 

    Or perhaps you had a relationship end and you keep chasing after the other person even though they’ve made it clear that the relationship is over.

    Or maybe there was a career goal that you haven’t been able to achieve due to a physical limitation.

    Or perhaps your dream was something else entirely—a financial goal, or a travel goal, or a personal growth goal.

    Whatever your situation is, I encourage you to consider what you have to gain from accepting that you may never be able to achieve your dream. Continuing to try to change situations that are outside of our control can lead to anger and bitterness, as well as wasted time and energy.

    Meanwhile, learning to accept that we may not achieve some of our goals and dreams has the potential to bring us great freedom. Acceptance frees up our emotional energy and allows us to refocus our time and energy on dreams and goals that are still achievable.

    We can and should do our best to go after our goals and dreams. But we need to do so in the spirit of understanding that we may never achieve them. The hard truth is that much of what happens in life is outside of our control, and all we can do is put forth our best effort.

    Pursuing our dreams is important. But so is knowing when to step away from one dream and move on to another one.

    If you’re ready to step away from one dream in order to free your heart to pursue a new dream, then here are several techniques that can help:

    Have a letting go ceremony.

    Schedule a time and place where you will hold a ceremony dedicated to accepting the end of your dream. This might involve lighting candles, saying prayers or meditating, or burning an object that symbolizes your dream. You might even invite certain family members or friends to participate in the ceremony with you.

    Focus on gratitude.

    Even though you weren’t able to achieve an important goal or dream, you still have much to be grateful for. Keep a regular gratitude journal and continually remind yourself of all the wonderful things in your life. Most importantly, focus your gratitude energy on all the new dreams and opportunities that you now have the time and energy to pursue.

    Learn to be compassionate with yourself.

    Often, when we’re unable to achieve something that’s important to us, we blame ourselves for our failures instead of understanding that much of what happens in life is outside of our control. Set aside a small amount of time every day for prayer or meditation. During this time, focus your energy both on accepting that you did the best you could under whatever circumstances you faced and that it’s time to let go of your dream.

    Use a mantra.

    Develop a mantra that you can silently repeat whenever you need to. For example, if you find yourself ruminating over your inability to achieve your dream, you can close your eyes and repeat a simple phrase such as: “I let go and accept.” The key is to use something simple that resonates with you personally.

    Learning to accept that you won’t achieve your goal or dream takes time. If you’re committed to the path of acceptance, then be prepared to learn to accept over and over and over again. Meanwhile, the value of what you can gain from acceptance is immeasurable: peace of mind, an open heart, and renewed energy to pursue new goals and dreams.

    I am learning to accept that I will never become a father. And new doors and new opportunities are opening up around me.

    I suggest that you try the same with your goals and dreams that are now outside of your reach, instead of continuing to push against a closed door or holding onto the past. Accept, let go, and walk through one of the new doors that has opened up for you.

    Photo by Camdiluv

  • How Fear Melts Away When We Stop Resisting the Present

    How Fear Melts Away When We Stop Resisting the Present

    Fearful Man

    “Whatever the present moment contains, embrace it as if you had chosen it yourself.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    The second hand on the clock ticked to 12 like a base runner returning home. It was 9:00AM on Monday morning.

    Anxiety set in as I stared at the stack of papers on my desk. Budgets needed to be balanced, new clients needed to be obtained, and advertising campaigns needed to be launched for high-profile brands.

    Everybody needed something. It was my first day as an Advertising Executive and I already knew I was in trouble.

    In a few hours I was scheduled to meet with my first client, a Fortune 500 retail brand.

    I was not new to the advertising world, but I was stepping into a major promotion, and this was the first global account I would be directing alone.

    I was terrified. I arrived early for the meeting and waited nervously in the conference room. It was clear during the meeting that this corporation had high expectations and a low tolerance for mistakes.

    I played it cool, but the heat was on. Inside I felt resistance. “I used to be an artist. Now I’m a business executive?” I thought. “How did I get myself into this?”

    I wanted to run away, but I had nowhere to go. The only way to release my fear, I finally realized, was to change my focus. “Stick with it,” I kept telling myself, even when frustration weighed on me like a ton of bricks. “Stick with it.”

    Human beings have evolved a physiological reaction to avoid danger by any means necessary. This impulse compels us to destroy any threat we face; and if the threat is too big to destroy, we opt for plan B. We run.

    This is known as the fight or flight response, a survival mechanism built into our DNA to ensure we don’t get eaten by tigers or beheaded by cranky neighbors.

    In prehistoric times, this response was valuable for our survival. Fast forward to the 21st Century. Today, in many ways, our cultural dynamics have evolved beyond our biological instincts.

    For example, we no longer face the same daily threats we did in paleo, or even feudal, times. But our egos still react to external conflict, however insignificant, with a fight or flight response, causing us to perceive threats that do not exist. We run away, in many cases, from shadows.

    When facing a legitimate threat, the fight or flight instinct is very helpful. But when no legitimate threat is present, the fight or flight response can create fear and anxiety in situations that don’t require either.

    People (myself included) will often sit down on their couch at home and, in spite of the fact that they are perfectly safe, experience feelings of intense worry and anxiety. This anxiety has the tendency to manifest as either fight or flight. It’s in our biological code.

    If we choose fight, we become abusive to ourselves and those around us. If we choose flight, we become absent and disconnected.

    Why do we tend to feel worry and anxiety, even when we are safe? Because we are allowing our emotions to react to a false narrative. The struggle for survival experienced by our ancestors is embedded into our collective unconscious.

    In modern civilization, this narrative expresses itself as resistance to, among other things, the peace of the present moment. Our worry causes us to over-complicate life.

    “Only fools are happy,” our ego says. “I know something is bound to go wrong. And when it does, I’ll be ready.” We resist the present moment. And whenever we resist, we struggle.

    What you resist, persists. But embracing your struggle is the end of fear.

    Running from your environment is like running from a mirror because you don’t like the unhappy face in the reflection. You can run to a different mirror (and another, and another) but you will continue to see the same unhappy reflection until you stop running and start smiling.

    Your environment will not change until you change first.

    It’s normal to feel stuck, but the more you resist the present moment and try to escape, the more stuck you will feel.

    Instead of running, use each moment, especially the bad ones, to practice being fully present. Living in the moment is a habit. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

    As you continue to live in the present moment, peace and happiness become effortless. Acceptance of the present moment is the end of fear and anxiety.

    It seemed like an eternity, but only an hour had passed. I looked at the clock. 10:00AM. It was still Monday, my first on the job, and I already wanted out.

    I felt threatened and my fight or flight response kicked in. I wanted to run. But I didn’t. Instead, I took a deep breath, walked to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, walked back to my desk, and took another deep breath. Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale.

    I dove in and embraced my job with abandon, releasing my ego and accepting the present moment. When things went smoothly, I trusted the flow. When things fell apart, I trusted the flow. When I made mistakes (and I made several), I trusted the flow to find a solution.

    I gave my best effort, and released attachment to results.

    Everything changed. Not only did I stop feeling insecure about my job, but I was soon promoted to a leadership role within the company. Were things perfect? No. But changing my perception caused a ripple effect that changed my thoughts and actions, and my environment changed as a result.

    The culture of my agency didn’t change overnight, but as I chipped away at the resistance within myself, the challenges I faced in my environment disappeared in equal proportion.

    We all face fear. This fear triggers our fight or flight response and causes us to struggle and resist the present moment. What if you tried, instead of running from fear, sticking with it?

    Letting go of resistance, especially when you want to resist the most, puts you in a state of flow, and from a state of flow we tune into a wider perspective and access higher levels of creativity, happiness, and peace.

    The moments in your life flow like a stream. By accepting the flow of the moment as it is, this stream will inevitably guide you to the rivers and oceans of your purpose. And one day you will look back with gratitude on the challenges that elevated your environment to align with your intentions.

    Fearful man image via Shutterstock

  • How to Get Lasting Results: The 4 Laws of Permanent Change

    How to Get Lasting Results: The 4 Laws of Permanent Change

    “Sometimes, it’s the smallest decisions that change your life forever.” ~Keri Russell

    Seven years ago I was that athletic, hyperactive person you could look at and admire.

    I was madly in love with cardio, and I could easily work out twice a day, six days a week, without a single complaint, not to mention jogging at 6:00AM five days each week.

    In college I went through lots of rough times, especially in my senior year. I was always stressed, I procrastinated a lot, and I couldn’t care less about working out, until one day I woke up and realized that I had gained forty-six pounds in less than a year.

    In just twelve months, I found myself transforming into a less attractive, obese young man who couldn’t breathe properly or even fit into an old pair of jeans. I also had stress problems and a non-stop bad temper.

    I tried hard to get back on track and get my old self back again, but with so much stress in my life, it was only a matter of days until I gave up and went back to my bad eating habits.

    I would plan my diet, stick to it for a couple of day or weeks, and then give up. Working out was no longer easy for me, the gym was boring, and healthy food was unbearable.

    For seven consecutive years I faced lots of difficulties and tried to lose weight more than 100 times. All failed. I was desperate, I was helpless, and I felt stuck, until one day I asked myself:

    Why don’t I start small?

    Why don’t I forget about doing too many things at once, and change only one thing and see what happens next?

    Why don’t I just go to the gym—without caring about how much I eat, how much weight I lift, how fast I run, and without even sticking myself to a specific schedule?

    Why don’t I just put my shoes on and walk myself to the gym three days every week, and consider my daily goal done once I step into the gym. No more doubts and no more worries—I’ll just try to be someone who goes to the gym more often.

    I did it, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

    In a matter of three months, I have lost thirty-eight pounds, gained control over my life, and become more disciplined. And junk food has finally no control over me.

    I did that by following a set of universal laws that most people neglect when trying to change their lives. I strongly believe that if you manage to follow these universal laws, changing your life is guaranteed.

    I have summarized them in four simple rules that are applicable to almost all types of human behavior. Whether you’re trying to lose weight or build self-confidence, follow these four rules and you will see results.

    Rule 1: Make it easy to start.

    I asked myself: What are the obstacles that make me hate going to the gym?

    The answer was:

    • Feeling bad when I fail to reach the specific number of reps for each exercise, or when I don’t lift a lot of weight.
    • Feeling bad when I can’t push myself to run on a treadmill.
    • Feeling like I’m not disciplined enough and I lack control over my life whenever I miss a workout (even if I have a busy schedule).

    So I decided to eliminate all the obstacles and make it easy to go to the gym consistently.

    I knew that if I kept lifting weights and running even with 50% of my strength, my body would change and I would see progress. That’s why I decided to:

    • Lift only what I could, especially when I wasn’t in the mood to lift a lot of weight.
    • Do only what I could when it came to cardio. If the ideal intense cardio workout is made of four intervals, then I’d be satisfied if I did two or more.
    • Be less strict with timing. I’d hit the gym any day at anytime, as long as I go there at least three times each week.

    I did that and I realized something very strange. When I dropped the stress off my shoulders, I started to lift more weight, run faster, and go the extra mile in almost all of my workouts. And that made me stick to the habit more than ever because I made it easy for myself to progress.

    If you want to see results, you must make it so easy to start that there is no place for thoughts of quitting or backing up. Life is already hard. Don’t make it harder.

    Rule 2: It`s all about consistency.

    No matter who you are, you will have some sort of resistance to change. This resistance is at its minimum when you introduce change into your life step by step until it becomes a part of who you are, or face any kind of emotional trauma or a situation when change is a must (like losing your job or getting a divorce).

    Since you don’t want to put yourself in a traumatic situation, and because your reasons are sometimes not strong enough to weaken your inner resistance immediately, the best way to change your lifestyle is by starting small and being consistent.

    Focus on one—and only one—thing to change at a time (so you don’t stir up your inner resistance) and take consistent actions toward this goal until you have a new way of life.

    Take my dieting example:

    It was hard for me to exercise regularly and introduce a healthy lifestyle to my daily routine, so I changed only one variable (going to the gym) and left the rest unchanged. Within a month I found myself changing my eating habits completely without feeling bad about it.

    Why? Because being a gym-goer had changed the image I had of myself, which made overeating seem less exciting.

    I simply didn’t want to lose the calories I’d worked hard to burn in the gym on a can of soda or a cheeseburger.

    Consider change as a snowball; all you need is to build a small ball, clear the path, and let the ball roll.

    Start small now and build on it. It’s the tortoise that wins in real life, not the lazy rabbit.

    Stop trying to revolutionize your life in a single shot. Small and consistent is what you need to explode.

    Rule 3: You never start at the end line.

    When playing a new video game, the best way to show fast progress is to start at the amateur mode and get used to it for sometime before you move to the pro level.

    The same goes with real change; you start at the bottom in the amateur mode and keep progressing until you become a pro.

    Your goal is to move from the beginner level to the pro one fast and safe, and to do so you must know that:

    • When you demand too much too early, you lose.
    • When you be over-judgmental and beat yourself up too often, you lose.
    • And when you choose perfection over progress, you still lose.

    Don’t look far and forget where you’re stepping. You have two eyes; keep one on the sky and the other one under your feet.

    Rule 4: Regret is a complete waste of time.

    I had my moments of relapsing. I have cheated many times but I haven’t allowed such mistakes to ruin my diet because I realized that regret is useless.

    When changing your life, keep in mind that it’s immediate action that fixes a mistake, not crying over it. It is your reaction toward a mistake that counts, not the mistake itself.

    Get over your mistakes fast, and you will be amazed by how far you will go with your life.

  • How I’m Getting Past Internal Resistance So I Can Live a Life I Love

    How I’m Getting Past Internal Resistance So I Can Live a Life I Love

    “Your actions are your only true belongings.” ~Allan Lokos

    This is not a piece about a person who has already finished her journey. I am not here to tell you that I’ve emerged from a dark place into a place of ease, or that I’ve discovered a profound new way of being that shields me from daily stresses.

    I wish I could tell you those things. I love to read about successes like that.

    Instead, I am in a messy stage of my journey, holding on to the glimmers of joy that I feel throughout each day, dreaming and journaling and not getting enough sleep.

    I am transitioning to a different life path as we speak.

    I take each day as its own adventure, knowing that I will feel any combination of boredom, happiness, depression, anxiety, and curiosity. Knowing that it’s okay for change to be complicated, that it’s okay to be confused one minute and excited the next as long as I keep asking questions and keep looking for answers.

    There’s no avoiding this part of the journey, the part where you peel back the layers of who you were and make room for who you will be. Where you shake free from the comforts and limiting beliefs you’ve been living under, where you consider if the life you’ve been living truly reflects who you are.

    This is the scary part. The part where you feel guilty or ashamed or sad that it took you this long to acknowledge your dreams. It’s hard to know when this part will end. All you can do is keep moving and know that those answers will come.

    For the past five years my life has not reflected who I truly am, as I’ve worked a job that bored me so deeply that my soul quietly settled down to sleep.

    On one hand, I am grateful for this job, grateful for the boredom-induced depression that shook me gently but steadily until I finally dusted myself off to search for something more.

    I am grateful for the months of utter paralysis, as I knew I was somehow meant to stretch my creative spirit but did not understand what that looked like or how it sustained me.

    I aim to forgive the part of myself that argued it was “too late,” and that I should just accept the steady job with no questions asked.

    And so I remained as patient as I could. I asked friends to describe my strengths, I vented to my journal. I cried and read inspirational blogs until my eyes reddened. I closed my eyes and meditated, waiting for the light bulb moment to provide me my core beliefs and purpose.

    I’m grateful I did not give up. That I have not given up, still.

    My breakthrough came a year and a half into my journey. One and a half years of reading and thinking and hoping for more. And suddenly, with little warning:

    I think I’m supposed to do visual art, written quickly into my journal.

    Isn’t it funny how life surprises you? I didn’t see this coming; I hadn’t pursued art in my twenties or dreamed of someday being a full-time artist. I let the thought sit for months, afraid of it, thinking I must have misheard my yearnings.

    And so I waited until the thought reemerged four months later. Stronger now, more insistent.

    And I am grateful I listened.

    My journey has changed shape, as journeys often do if you let them, softly tugging me into a makeshift studio after work each evening where I paint and write and remind myself to take big, soothing breaths.

    I’m still not a full-time artist yet, but every day is an adventure still, asking me only that if I haven’t yet found my confidence, to please get up each day and try anyway. And so I get up each day and I try, even when I’m overwhelmed and tired, even when my next steps are unclear.

    One of my favorite mentors, Marie Forleo, has often said clarity comes from engagement, which is a hard concept for those of us who plan endlessly and write everything down multiple times so that we can avoid actually taking that first step.

    That first step, which supports the next and the next, is the most important of all.

    Without action, my journey would be back at square one, huddled under the weight of my doubts and fears.

    Without action, my soul would still be asleep, unable to consider a different future.

    Without action, I would not cherish these moments of actual joy, my paint brush in hand. I would not know they existed.

    And so the question becomes: have you been listening?

    Do you feel the tugs, however quiet, that will lead you in a new direction? I know many of us are so good at ignoring these whispers, resisting the changes that feel so big and scary and new that we can’t imagine where the journey will lead.

    Today, I want you to act, acknowledging your resistance with empathy as you move forward anyway. I want you to get messy and uncomfortable, even if that simply means facing your fears in the pages of your journal.

    If you are just at the beginning, or perhaps even in the middle of your journey as I am, remember: you are capable of joy. Now how will you create it?

  • Pacing Yourself When You Want the Pain to Stop

    Pacing Yourself When You Want the Pain to Stop

    Pace Yourself

    “The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I was in pain.

    My legs hurt, I felt nauseated, my heart thumped hard and fast, and I labored for every breath.

    I was halfway up a steep, three-mile hill, and I was so exhausted I could barely keep my bike upright.

    My mind tried desperately to solve this problem: “Should I stop? I should stop. No! I’ve done this hill in the past without stopping—what’s the problem this time? I hate this! Why is this so painful?”

    I glanced over at my riding buddy, Keila. She was pedaling slowly and methodically. I couldn’t hear her breathing at all. Of course, it was hard to hear over my loud gasps.

    I uttered an expletive.

    I kept going. The road stayed the same, but I suffered more and more.

    After twenty more minutes of cardiovascular hell, we reached the top of the hill.

    I unclipped from my pedals and stood over my bike, elbows on the handlebar, head hanging as I tried to regain my breath.

    In the middle of a wheeze I looked over at Keila. She was standing over her bike, too. But she was on her phone texting someone. No sign of struggle there.

    After a few minutes, I was able to stand upright and Keila was done texting. We had climbed this hill together many times. Today had been a bad, bad day for me.

    Still panting, I said to Keila, “That was awful. I wonder why it was so hard this time?”

    A wise and observant young woman, Keila softly replied, “It’s because when you start to suffer, you speed up. And then you get mad.”

    I looked at her for a moment and then, despite my still thudding heart, I laughed.

    She was right.

    An experienced cyclist, Keila acted as my coach when I first started riding. One of the things she always had a hard time getting me to understand was how to pace myself, especially going uphill.

    I had actually become fairly good at it, but today I had forgotten the lesson. Today, when I came to a very steep section of the challenging hill, I tried to speed up to make the pain stop.

    But then I didn’t have enough energy for the rest of the climb and really struggled.

    Out of fuel and suffering, I got angry and swore at the pain and myself.

    After I recovered from the ride, I started thinking about what Keila said:

    “When you start to suffer, you speed up. And then you get mad.”

    I began to wonder if this manifested itself in my life off the bike, too.

    It didn’t take long to see the pattern.

    • Averse to being in conflict with anyone, I often sped up during disagreements, either acquiescing to the other person or abruptly cutting them out of my life.
    • Times of confusion or indecision also caused me to speed up such that I would make impulsive choices just so I wouldn’t have to suffer any longer with being unsettled.
    • At the beginning of a long period of deep and heavy grief, I quickly latched onto someone I thought would help me get past the pain only to have that person bring me more heartache and sadness.
    • And, during some of these times of indecision, confusion, conflict, or sadness, I used anger as a motivator to propel me into action, but again, usually in a rash, compulsive manner.

    Inevitably, these “speed up maneuvers” backfired on me. I ended up regretting choices I made, cut off people I would have enjoyed keeping in my life, and lost myself in the process of getting the pain to stop.

    But I also noticed that as I’ve aged and become more conscious of my speed up maneuvers, I’ve learned to pace myself more. To move more slowly and with greater awareness of my actions and their outcomes.

    And I’ve learned that pacing myself doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.

    When I’m on my bike and climbing a hill, I still get to a point that I’m suffering no matter what I do.

    But when I pace myself rather than try to outrace the pain, I have confidence that I can both tolerate the suffering and make it to the top of the hill.

    So now, when I pace myself during life’s struggles, I don’t hold on to illusions that it’s not going to hurt in some way.

    I have confidence in the knowledge that slowing down and moving forward with awareness will allow me to manage the suffering so that I can make it to the top of whatever emotional hill lies in front of me.

    I encourage you to identify your speed up maneuvers.

    What do you do when you’re suffering?

    What are the ways you try to get the pain to stop that only drain your energy and cause you to struggle even more?

    How can you pace yourself so that, even though moving forward may still hurt, you can make it to the top of the hill?

    On our next ride, I told Keila about my insights that sprang from her quiet observation of my cycling struggles.

    She laughed gently and said, “Everything that happens on the bike relates to what happens off the bike, Bobbi.”

    Amen to that, Keila.

    Amen to that.

    Tired man image via Shutterstock

  • Accepting Things for What They Are Instead of Resisting Change

    Accepting Things for What They Are Instead of Resisting Change

    Acceptance

    “What we see is mainly what we look for.” ~Unknown

    Years ago I was fortunate enough to travel on a Mediterranean cruise. I had just graduated from college and was in that difficult transition stage where I didn’t know what would come next. I was looking to relax, but also hoping that some soul searching would lead to clarity, epiphanies, and answers.

    One day I thought I found them on the island of Santorini, Greece.

    Between the blinding whites, the sapphire blues, the sun-kissed streets, and the black-sand beaches, I felt like I had been dropped in a utopia.

    There, where everything was crisper and brighter, my mind felt clear and my heart felt hopeful. I suddenly had the feeling I would find my way and all would be right in my world.

    As I lay on the beach made from volcanic ashes, overflowing with happiness, I knew I wanted to remember the moment, capture that feeling and preserve this place.

    I strolled down to the shore where hundreds of rocks were piled together. They were all jet black, oval shaped, and glistening. I picked some up and felt like I was holding little pieces of paradise in my palms.

    I collected a dozen or so. The plan was to wrap them in a towel, bring them home, put them in a decorative jar, and always be reminded of the beauty of Santorini.

    I imagined my future self, back at home, thousands of miles and hours away from this peaceful sanctuary.

    I thought these rocks would become miniature touchstones any time I was feeling down or confused—that I would look at these black slabs, be transported back to this moment in time, be reminded of Santorini, and feel instantly better.

    When I got home, I unveiled the rocks and immediately felt disappointed.

    These rocks weren’t pieces of paradise anymore.

    Without the shimmering sun and the sparkling Aegean waters, the rocks had lost their magic, their glory.

    All I had in my hands were a pile of greyish looking stones. In the light at home, away from the Grecian sands, I could see the rocks weren’t breathtaking or naturally shiny and they certainly weren’t that memorable.

    They were just…. well, rocks.

    I wasn’t reminded of the feeling on the beach. Instead I was upset that what I wanted the rocks to be was clearly not their reality. Somewhere the rational part of my brain knew this was ridiculous, but I was still angry.

    It wasn’t until recently that I realized how these rocks did in fact, give me a gift. They taught me a few important lessons.

    In life we can have a tendency to take something and try to make it into another thing. Does it work? Sure, sometimes. After all, we can take lemons and turn them into lemonade; we can take a blank canvas and turn it into a beautiful painting.

    But more often than not, we can’t change something into something it’s not meant to be.

    Sometimes, a rock is just a rock. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just a rock. And no amount of wishing, manipulating, forcing. or hoping can change that.

    Isn’t that wonderful?

    Knowing this can help save a lot of energy that gets wasted on frustration and sadness.

    The rocks hadn’t changed—not one bit. My perception of them had. The feelings they evoked and the moment I had in Santorini simply passed. I was stuck between wanting to hold on and having to let go.

    We often try so hard to hold onto something from the past that we miss what’s right in front of us, in the present.

    The same is true for the people in our lives. We sometimes try—accidentally or purposely—to get the people we love to be more of who we want them to be instead of appreciating who they already are. We want them to be who they used to be or who they could be, instead of who they are in the present.

    I remember when I had the realization that one of my oldest and closest friendships was falling apart. There were many reasons for this split, but ultimately I think it came down to the both of us not seeing each other for who we were in the moment.

    We kept trying to squeeze each other into the roles of who we were when we first crossed paths years and years ago.

    We put this pressure on ourselves too. We attempt to perfect a million things, instead of just acknowledging our weaknesses and strengths and working with them. 

    We rarely accept who we are in the present because we are so consumed thinking of who we want to be in the future—or remembering a younger version of ourselves.

    I don’t know what just now made me remember those rocks from Santorini—the ones I didn’t put on a pretty display—but I am glad I did.

    I am grateful for the reminder that we need to accept things or situations for what they are and people for who they are. When we stop looking at everything the way we want to see it, and start seeing it simply as it is, life flows much more smoothly.

    After all, it’s better to let things and people shine where and how they are meant to.

    Woman breathing deeply image via Shutterstock

  • How to Create a Happy Future by Accepting the Present

    How to Create a Happy Future by Accepting the Present

    Happiness

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Imagine if every night you wrote the script for your tomorrow.

    You’d tuck it under your pillow and when you woke up, it would begin unfolding just like you envisioned.

    The man or woman of your dreams would appear in the Whole Foods aisle you were perusing.

    A check for a million dollars would show up in your mailbox, with a note reading “have fun.”

    Your friends and family would call you to tell you how great life was and how awesome they felt.

    Seems pretty sweet.

    But is that what we really want?

    I used to put a lot of effort into becoming a great “manifestor.” I thought I’d be happy if and when I could figure out how to make what I wanted come true.

    This desire was grounded in the belief that reality wasn’t okay as it was. Something had to change in order for me to fully enjoy it.

    I remember crying to a friend because “I sucked at manifesting.” Things weren’t coming true in the way I wanted them to, and they definitely weren’t happening fast enough.

    It seems silly, but I was completely devastated by this.

    I wanted so badly to feel fulfilled in the work that I did, but I only saw one possible way to make that happen—to coach others and own my own coaching business. I refused to do anything else, even though I was struggling financially and didn’t give myself nearly enough time or money to grow a business.

    I also wanted the freedom to travel the world, take my work with me, spend extended time in various places so I could truly experience them, and visit my family whenever I wanted. Again, I only saw that one way to make that happen.

    And it wasn’t working.

    I felt disempowered, hopeless, and stuck.

    The rigid need to make things happen blinded me from the millions of opportunities and beauty all around me. I had missed the whole point of manifesting.

    At the time, Eckhart Tolle was my main man. I was re-reading my favorite book of his, and I’m pretty sure it was in his sweet voice when I finally realized “I’m doing this to myself!”

    So, I took my blinders off and became willing to see other ways. My vision became 360 and I saw possibilities—not just one, but many.

    I can’t say that all of the sudden everything changed for the better, but it did change, and the shaking-up felt good. I was working with, not against, the present moment, and with that came trust and patience.

    Within a year, after a random sequence of perfectly orchestrated events, I received an opportunity to work for a company I adore.

    Surprisingly, I was and am fulfilled by what I do, and guess what? It allows me to travel the world, take my work with me, spend extended time in various places so I could truly experience them, and visit my family whenever I want. Go figure.

    What you truly want can only come to fruition by working with the present moment.

    Life is a wild, adventurous ride, and that is exactly what makes it so beautiful and intense.

    Some days are filled with beauty and joy.

    And others, dreams don’t come true, your car dies, you get rejected, you get a really big, unexpected bill in the mail, or you’re forced to deal with difficult people.

    The thing is, you decide how you want to react when you’re caught right up in the middle of the not so pretty stuff. You always have the choice.

    This is how we create the reality in which we want to live in, moment by moment.

    You may find your reactions defaulting to:

    “Life isn’t fair.”

    “I never get what I want.”

    “Why me?”

    “When am I going to catch a break?”

    These thoughts have an intrinsic rigid resistance to what’s really happening. They are unaccepting of reality.

    By resisting reality, you become disempowered, hopeless, and stuck.

    “What you resist, persists.”

    Have you ever noticed that feeling fat and calling yourself fat never worked as a good strategy for weight loss?

    Or, feeling poor and always saying, “I never have any money!” hasn’t made you rich?

    By resisting, you’re actually creating more of what you don’t want because you’re constantly focused on what you don’t want.

    The only way to create what you do want is full acceptance of what is.

    This is the place where you see possibility instead of limitation. Where you get creative. Where you can see solutions. Where you feel hope and maybe even some peace.

    How do you accept the present moment? You celebrate it. You appreciate it. Even when you don’t feel like it. Especially when you don’t feel like it.

    Small acts of appreciation for the present state can cause giant shifts in your life. You become wildly empowered, creative, and resourceful.

    I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s a moment-by-moment practice. It’s a constant decision to take your power back and remember that you create your life and your happiness, always.

    Here are some things to remember when you find yourself fighting the present moment.

    It’s okay to feel it.

    The more you experience your emotions and the sooner you allow yourself to experience them, the sooner you’ll find yourself accepting the present moment.

    Your emotions are there to be felt, seen, and heard. There’s no power in pushing them away, avoiding them, or pretending that they don’t exist, because they will find a way to come out eventually.

    It’s a priority to truly experience your emotions. This is an act of celebration in and of itself.

    As you feel your emotions, you release them.

    Let’s just say during that time above I cried, a lot. My friends might say all the time.

    I’ve never journaled more, cried more, released more, or talked it out more. As I’m writing this, I can see how that was the first time that I allowed all of my emotions to be fully okay.

    I paid attention to them and I let others pay attention to them. This was beyond powerful and ultimately what led me to face reality and move into a place of empowerment.

    Find the silver lining.

    There will always be a positive result of whatever is occurring.

    Even if it feels completely and utterly negative, I promise you, there’s at least one positive result.

    From the most tragic of situations, we can find hope, help others from our experience, and experience compassion.

    Always take a moment to find the silver lining and acknowledge it.

    Saying “thank you” out loud is so powerfully simple.

    Thank you for my humanity. Thank you for this adventure. Thank you for that one positive thing.

    By experiencing your emotions, seeing the positive, and having a sense of gratitude, you can work with anything the present moment brings you.

    By doing this continually, you are actively creating more and more of what you want in every moment.

    Photo by Moyan Brenn

  • Stop Waiting for Tomorrow: 3 Ways to Love Your Life Now

    Stop Waiting for Tomorrow: 3 Ways to Love Your Life Now

    “Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant.” ~Paul Coelho

    My husband had been unemployed for more than two years before it hit me that I was dealing with it all wrong. During that time, I kept thinking that any day he would find a new job. And every day that went by I was disappointed, frustrated, unhappy, and even angry at times.

    For two years I felt like we were in limbo. I was always thinking, “We’ll do this or that after he finds a job.” Everything seemed to be put on hold.

    But the thing was, it wasn’t on hold. That was my life, and I needed to accept it as it was.

    I finally realized that my life was going on every day, no matter what was happening at any particular moment. My life was not waiting for my husband to get a new job or until our finances were in better shape. Time was marching on.

    Besides just accepting my life as it was, I wanted more. I also wanted to embrace and celebrate my life and be truly happy.

    But how do you that when you feel like you are just barely hanging on? Our biggest problem was financial, and we honestly struggled to pay our bills and sometimes to buy groceries. It was an extremely stressful time. I felt sorry for my kids, my husband, and myself.

    I knew I needed to get away from thinking about money all the time. And I knew I needed to focus on my life as it was in the present, not as I thought it might be in the future. I longed to be happy within the reality of our situation.

    Three steps helped me to rethink my attitude and create a life I loved in that moment, as it was right then and there, instead of always hoping for a better future.

    If you’re also resisting what is, these steps may help you make peace with it and find happiness again:

    1. Take stock of what you have instead of what’s missing.

    When I made lists of what I had and what was missing, it became clear immediately that I had so much! My list included two beautiful daughters, wonderful friends, a roof over my head, a supportive family, a career that I loved, a cute cat, and much more.

    Two things really stood out about my lists. First, my “what I had” list was much longer than my “what was missing” list. And second, I noticed how different the things were on each list.

    The things on my “what I had” list were much more important than what was missing. What was missing tended to be centered on material things. For example, vacations I wanted to take that we couldn’t afford or buying new furniture.

    But what I had was about the things that really mattered in life. Taking stock made me realize that I needed to shift my attention.

    Looking at the list of what I had made me feel like my life was abundant, and I suddenly felt a sense of gratitude.

    Taking stock of where you are and what you have at this very moment can be eye-opening. Chances are you’ll find, like I did, that your “what I have” list is not only longer but also more meaningful than your “what is missing” list.

    2. Focus on what really matters.

    All my attention on our financial problems made me lose focus of what is the most important part of my life: my relationships with family and friends.

    It doesn’t cost any money to cultivate our relationships with others. Cultivating relationships comes down in large part to communicating authentically, engaging in conversations that really mean something and are marked by deep listening and honesty.

    With my daughters, who were both nearing their teens, this meant slowing down and listening to whatever they felt like telling me. Each little morsel of news about friends or school or how they were feeling was a gift that I treasured. And I discovered that the more I slowed down and listened, the more they talked to me.

    I am also fortunate to have a very tight circle of friends who mean the world to me. They cheer me on, listen when I need to talk, and make me laugh. I realized what a precious gift that laughter is. To laugh so hard I cry was another thing to treasure.

    3. Enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

    Instead of thinking about the vacations that I couldn’t go on, I thought about the morning walk I took around a nearby lake where I saw two bald eagles, a crane, and the mountains reflected in the water.

    I focused on my creativity—I played my guitar more and I started a new creative endeavor, collaging, which I absolutely loved. I continued to write and to experiment with painting. Through these creative outlets, I started embracing my life.

    Shifting your attention to simple yet joyful activities is another way to gain a whole new perspective on what you have in your life. Being creative and enjoying nature are two great places to start exploring life’s simple pleasures.

    Once I started thinking about how to live my life to its fullest in the present moment before it completely passes me by, my attitude changed.

    That’s not to say I don’t still have stressful financial moments or a longing to take a family vacation to a distant place, but I am no longer missing out on what is happening in my life. I am embracing the life I have and I am genuinely happy!

    It is possible to embrace your life and find happiness in the midst of crisis.

    When we look at our life with a wide lens, instead of just focusing on financial and career success, we can see opportunities to embrace all of life’s abundance. These can be opportunities to slow down and think about what really matters, what we value most in our life.

    Appreciating the most meaningful gifts in your life may just be the surest path to authentic happiness, no matter what your circumstances are at this moment.

  • Dealing with Life’s Inevitable Pain: 4 Lessons to Help Reduce Your Suffering

    Dealing with Life’s Inevitable Pain: 4 Lessons to Help Reduce Your Suffering

    Sad Woman

    “Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.” ~Unknown

    Pain is everywhere. Whether through heartbreak or a broken bone, we all struggle with unavoidable hurt at some point in our lives. Often, even the suggestion of suffering is enough to send us running for cover.

    One of our most basic instincts is to avoid being hurt, and for good reason. The world is full of sharp objects and hot frying pans. While our instinctive wiring is helpful when it comes to cooking, it only contributes to our suffering when applied to the pain of relationships and physical discomfort in our lives.

    I have an unusual amount of experience with physical pain. Along with the sprained ankles, broken toes, and pinched fingers of everyday life, I have survived three open-heart surgeries, a bone marrow tap, and hundreds of needles.

    From the slight pinch of a blood-pressure cuff, to the white-hot burn of needles touching bone, to the agony of layers of skin coming off with bandages, I have experienced a thousand degrees of pain.

    I spent years hating every moment of pain I endured. I have fought tooth and nail (and many an unfortunate nurse) to escape the experience. Yet, my resistance and anger did not lessen my pain. If anything, my struggle only increased it.

    Each us will someday face the experience of unavoidable emotional, mental, or physical pain. Whether mild or excruciating, how we approach our physical suffering can change how we approach any discomfort in our lives.

    Here are the four lessons I have learned from pain:

    1. There is only this moment.

    In the midst of pain, there is only the eternal present. The past and future become meaningless when we cannot imagine a time when we will not be consumed with pain. Living in the present moment may be the last thing we wish to do, as we scramble desperately for any distraction from our suffering.

    Yet, we must allow our pain to exist, as no more or less than it is.

    By asking ourselves every moment “Can I bear this right now?” we disengage our minds from creating more suffering through struggling against what is real.

    One breath, one second at a time, we can breathe through any pain, physical or emotional. In attuning to the present, we realize that not only are we strong enough to endure, but that our pain is lessened when we cease to struggle against it.

    2. Resistance creates more pain.

    A tense muscle feels more pain. As we expend more energy to keep our suffering at a distance from ourselves, we increase our distress. Paradoxically, relaxing into the sensation of pain, even by the smallest degree, makes us more resilient.

    By approaching physical distress with curiosity and compassion for ourselves, we may notice small differences in our experiences. We may even discover that the anticipation of pain in our minds is worse than the actual experience.

    Surrendering to suffering allows us to pass beyond it. Mental and emotional pain cannot dissolve until we acknowledge that they exist. By ceasing to struggle against an internal or external force, we leave room for our courage to move through us.

    3. It’s okay to cry.

    The image of the strong, silent warrior is a misleading symbol. Often, we think that holding our breath, stifling our tears and our cries of agony will make us stronger. In fact, the opposite is true.

    Our body releases biochemicals and hormones in response to both physical and emotional pain. Giving voice to our suffering is healthy and allows us to process these chemicals much more quickly.

    Just as vocalizations are used in martial arts to focus the energy of a strike and students of yoga breathe into poses, we can use our voices to channel and release pain. Animals shake, run, and shriek to blow off the intense energy that pain creates. We can do the same by letting our inner creature howl.

    4. A life without pain is impossible.

    While a cushioned life without pain is appealing, it is impossible. Striving for a life free of physical suffering not only takes us away from reality, but also isolates us from the joys of life. Our moments of agony can help us appreciate our times of ecstasy even more.

    Cultivating the idea that pain is only one of many experiences allows us to reframe our suffering. Rather than interpreting is as a punishment, we can choose to see pain as just another bodily sensation. We certainly do not have to enjoy it, but we can strive to accept pain as a part of being human.

    In opening myself to the experience of pain, I have discovered not weakness, but unexpected courage within myself. By striving to remain present in moments of discomfort, we can unearth hidden grace in the most painful situations.

    Photo by Robert Vitulano

  • Why Bad Things Happen to Good People: How Is This Supporting You?

    Why Bad Things Happen to Good People: How Is This Supporting You?

    Mourning Woman

    “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival… Be grateful for whatever comes. Because each has been sent
 as a guide from beyond.” ~Rumi

    Yesterday my boyfriend’s father told me that he doesn’t believe that everything happens for a reason. He explained, “Where I can’t get on board is, if that’s true, then why do bad things happen to good people?”

    It touches close to home for their entire family because not only does one of their sons’ girlfriends have a rare and terminal form of cancer, she met their son because he successfully removed a melanoma (a fast acting, lethal cancer).

    His girlfriend is in her late twenties, and she’s one of the sweetest young women I know. While she beat it into remission last year, it’s just come back. She’s living with constant fatigue, a broken rib that won’t heal, and the harsh reality is that she could die.

    His father and I began to connect over this age-old conundrum: Why do “bad” things happen to anyone—especially the kind-hearted, ourselves, or the ones we love?

    Hundreds of thousands of years of religion, philosophy, and artistic expression have sought to grasp: why are we truly here and why is there suffering?

    Certain chapters of my own life have seemed ruthless or even tragic as they were happening.

    As a child, I was often disappointed by my father, a person in my life who I loved dearly and who disappeared on my birthdays and holidays. sometimes without so much as a call.

    As a young adult, I learned that he battled his own demons with drugs, alcohol, and a traumatic past, which helped comfort me for why he wasn’t around when I was a child, but it broke my heart in a different way. I have often asked myself, “Why is there so much pain in the world?”

    Asking this question led me to realize it was more about my own pain within. My suffering drove me to search for happiness and freedom within myself. In fact, it’s been through the most challenging and darkest experiences that I’ve cultivated the greatest connection with the light of my heart.

    Have you ever heard how when someone has a near-death experience, they begin to realize what’s truly important to them in their lives? It’s said they often begin spending time with the ones they love, and ticking off items from their bucket list to do what they love.

    A really dark experience can be like a metaphorical near-death experience. Through the most painful life circumstances, I’ve discovered what’s most important to me.

    I’ve realized what’s most important for me is feeling free to do what I love, write, speak what is true from my heart, and cultivate a deep connection with love inside and outside myself.

    With love as my intention, I’ve overcome circumstantial challenges to realize that connection, authenticity, and freedom doesn’t depend on what happens in your life as much as how you respond to what happens.

    But how do you overcome challenging life-circumstances rather than falling victim to them?

    The question I ask myself in times of resistance is:

    “How is this supporting me?”

    Not everyone believes that certain things are “meant to be,” but opening yourself to how a negatively perceived experience could be supporting you is a powerful way to stop resisting what is and create space for acceptance.

    When you fall into a state of acceptance, you naturally connect with your being-ness: the now.

    When you are truly in the now, this present moment, is there ever anything actually wrong?

    Rumi must have known this about non-resistance, as his words remind the world to embrace everything that happens as a gift, a gift to support you.

    If you want an end to pain, resist nothing you feel in the present moment. When you open your heart to feeling, rather than responding with “why” or “why me?” you have a great opportunity to transform your circumstances into your destiny.

    Difficulty and challenge aren’t inherently bad. The difficulty of running that marathon, working to chase your dreams, or overcoming challenges—including the failures and disappointments—aren’t they part of the stuff that makes our lives meaningful?

    While it may be easier to say this about marathons and dreams than to say it to the little girl who felt more and more betrayed by life with each birthday missed by a father who seemed to cause a hole in her heart, or to the young woman who perceives to be losing her dreams because of a debilitating illness, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a purpose in what is being experienced.

    It’s not for me to understand why she is facing this twist in her life story, or what’s true about circumstances that have touched the lives of your family, friends, or those who you feel connected with during tragedies that may hit another part of the world.

    I can only say that by embracing every emotion caused by my own life stories, every perceived tragedy, and asking life with an open heart, “How is this supporting me?” I’ve reached acceptance and neutralized my own judgments time and time again.

    I have spent a lot of time reminding myself, “This is how I’ve asked it to be, so what is it trying to teach me?”

    Sometimes the answer was just to feel helpless, to let go of control, cultivate patience, know a deeper compassion, or just realize that no matter what, I love my father, despite the role that he has played in my life.

    I love life, despite the challenges I face.

    I’ve learned to keep my heart open to feel. And now I’m not so afraid of feeling. It is through feeling the depth of all my pain that I’ve created more space for love—and now I just feel more alive.

    So why do “bad” things happen to “good” people?

    When you stop resisting, start feeling, and ask how life is supporting you, you get out of your own way. This is what it means to surrender. And from seeing life that way, bad things stop happening; or rather, it’s not that “bad” things stop happening, you just stop seeing them as such.

    For example, if I hadn’t experienced so much pain and suffering in my life, I would have never gone on a journey to connect with my heart at such a deep level.

    How can I label pain and suffering as “bad” after realizing it’s what has supported me to expand, to experience more intimacy and love, and become more authentic? True acceptance subtly transforms “bad” into “meant to be” and slowly life naturally becomes less painful and more fun.

    The truth is, life doesn’t always give you what you think you want; life gives you what’s perfect. But perfection only becomes your experience depending on how you choose to respond to what happens.

    Did Nelson Mandela stop believing in a vision of freedom in jail? No. Do you think Mandela would have felt free stifling what he felt so strongly on the inside even if it kept him outside of jail? In fact, do you feel it’s possible Mandela felt freer even within the confines of that prison cell? Why would that be true? Because he was free in his heart.

    He transformed his circumstances into his destiny, and he transformed the world. He was just a man; he is no different from you or me. He chose to transform his circumstances into his destiny.

    Freedom and happiness have nothing to do with your circumstances, and everything to do with your level of connection with the truth that you feel in your soul and express to the world.

    As my boyfriends’ father and I sat there, he said in an afterthought, “I suppose if that kind of disease happened to me, I would just do my best to stand up as a living example to my children of how to face such an experience with ease and grace, so they would also know that it’s possible.”

    And isn’t that all anyone can do, face our own individual challenges with as much ease and grace to discover what we’re meant to do: be our selves, follow our destiny, and realize what’s truly important—love.

    For when you transform what happens “to you” into your life destiny, you become the change you wish to see in the world.

    Photo by Mitya Ku

  • How Accepting Your Circumstances Can Help You Find Something Better

    How Accepting Your Circumstances Can Help You Find Something Better

    Happy

    “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

    I’m on an old bus in Kathmandu, the capital of Nepal, where I’m staying on a three-month tourist visa. I look through the window at the streets, dirty beyond belief.

    Thick dust in the air mixes with the pollution of exhaust fumes; I see men spitting on pavements and small children with greasy hair roaming the streets in search of people kind enough to give a few coins.

    I witness dirty stray dogs that look like they have rabies, mingling in the crowd; all shops look the same—small, dirty, and grey.

    I resisted it all during the first month of my stay, but this resistance only created misery. Why on earth do I always choose the road less travelled and not stick to the touristy spots, where I could remain blissfully unaware of the reality of Nepal?

    I know the answer to this question; I always knew it. The universe is trying to teach me a lesson of acceptance and non-resistance. I couldn’t learn the lesson as long as I viewed life in Nepal in a judgmental way.

    As soon as I eased into the country and became willing to view it without judgment, a whole new world opened up before my eyes.

    I suddenly saw another side of Nepal: I noticed dirty yet adorable, happy children chasing kites on the green grass plot near the street; I noticed a mother sitting on the road and swinging her child in a loving way; I saw white broad smiles in tanned faces.

    What’s most important, I felt the unity these people experience because they share this unique way of life. Brotherly love is in full swing here, and in India, but nothing of that sort I witnessed in the west.

    I felt the relief people feel to shut away the dust and pollution and enter a peaceful atmosphere of a café to enjoy a latte. I also felt the home-feeling people get sitting on roadsides, sipping over-sweetened milk teas.

    This is what they know and this is what they choose to experience—who am I to judge all this?

    This experience of opening up taught me the importance of non-resistance. When you’re observing everything without judgment and accepting things as they are, you feel completely at peace with yourself and experience real happiness within.

    Many people don’t learn this lesson all their lives, like those stuck in unpleasant circumstances they hate. Until they learn this lesson, they will keep being stuck.

    In India, where I currently live, many expats are stuck. They look shabby, they’re often drunk, and they complain about how appalling the life in India is, and yet they keep living here. Many of them hate the culture, and all their lives consist of resisting the way things are.

    How Acceptance Helped Me Move to a Country That’s Perfect for Me

    I know it’s horrible to be stuck somewhere you dislike and be unable to move on. However, this happens when we resist our circumstances. As soon as we wholeheartedly accept them, the door opens for a change, because acceptance dissolves the limited mindset that prevents us from seeing opportunities.

    When I moved to England from Lithuania, my home country, I got stuck in a horrible town with factories and nothing to do in my spare time except shop in soul-less shopping centers.

    What kept me stuck there was my studies and later a horrible job, which gave me a steady paycheck. I disliked the job, yet I felt comfortable. I was afraid to quit it because I didn’t know if I could find a better one.

    I struggled with these surroundings and I hated them with all my heart. However, when I started reading self-help books, I got convinced that I was where I was because my mindset had attracted me there, and through my resistance I had gotten myself more stuck.

    As I explained before, resistance limited my understanding of the world. I was unwilling to see the positive side of things, and thus I couldn’t spot any opportunities that would have shown me a way out.

    When I realized this, I changed my strategy. I started accepting my situation instead of resisting it. Instead of thinking about how horrible the town was, I tried to be neutral about it, so I wouldn’t channel negative emotions into the situation and thus get more stuck.

    I also decided to channel the emotions of happiness and joy into London, the city I loved, and visited whenever I had time and money.

    Whenever a negative emotion or thought would arise about the town I lived in, I reminded myself that when my mindset changed—when I became more positive and open—I would more easily find a way to move.

    My neutral attitude toward the town I lived in gradually made me see a more balanced view of it and eventually, appreciate the positive aspects. I noticed, for example, that the town had beautiful parks and ponds, and that some people living there were interesting and kind.

    Developing understanding and acceptance opened the doors for a change.

    As I became more open-minded and happier, I started noticing and acting on new opportunities. For example, I came across information about how to start my own business and thus acted on it.

    Within a year or so of this change of mind, I moved to London, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

    This non-resisting attitude made me dissolve some of the limits of my mind and thus I became more intuitive. This intuition eventually led me to the country where I felt most at home—India.

    If I had never learned this lesson of non-resistance, I would probably still be stuck in that horrible town, cursing my situation to this day.

    —

    Wherever you are and whatever you experience, try to be at peace with it. If it’s hard to think positively about your situation, at least don’t focus on the negatives, and instead focus on something you’d like to experience.

    It may help to make a list of things you’re grateful for and the positive aspects of whatever you resist. Focus on those aspects completely, and soon your mind will become more positive and more accepting of your present circumstances.

    This shift in focus will eventually open the door to circumstances that are more empowering and positive.

    Photo by Courtney Carmody

  • Why Resistance Isn’t a Bad Thing and What to Do About It

    Why Resistance Isn’t a Bad Thing and What to Do About It

    Hiding

    “Worry looks around, fear looks back, faith looks up, guilt looks down, but I look forward.” ~Unknown

    I moved houses a couple of weeks ago. It was the perfect opportunity to take a break, pause and reflect, and decide on the directions I wanted my small business to take.

    And I did just that: I rested, took the time to think and get über clear about what I wanted to do next and how, revamped my offerings, made a super duper inspiring goal list and… decided that getting to know our neighbors’ cats was far more fascinating than, you know, work.

    It didn’t take me long to realize what was going on here: my old friend resistance was paying me a visit, and it didn’t want to leave anytime soon.

    When I see resistance, I usually choose to either push through (and end up so tired I could sleep for a month), or give in and get nothing done (resistance: 1, Emmanuelle: 0).

    This time I chose a new road. I chose to see it. To hear it. To listen to it.

    Acknowledge

    The first thing I did was to acknowledge resistance. It was my reality, it was there; I could not deny it. So instead of playing ostrich and burying my head in the sand, I chose to face what was really going on and become present to it.

    When you feel something that you don’t really want to feel, the first step in letting it go is acknowledging it, accepting that it is what it is, that it is your current reality.

    Feel the fear…

    Now that I was seeing the resistance, its true colors were showing. Because you see, resistance is a disguise, and what hides beneath is fear.

    It could be fear of failure. It could be fear of success. It could be fear of falling flat on your face and making a fool of yourself. What is hiding beneath resistance, what is holding you back from taking that next big bold step ?

    For me, it was fear of being seen. Fear of exposing myself in such a way that it brought back my insecurities and blocks. Fear of going to a new level and failing miserably, because apparently that is what was supposed to happen, right? Right.

    … and do it anyway

    That’s when I made another decision.

    Once I recognized my fear, I chose to have a chat with her. Yes she’s a she, a pre-teen hiding in the dark corner of the room, curled up into a ball. It’s much easier to have a conversation with your fear once you can see it as a person. And the truth is, it is usually a version of yourself, the dark version, the shadow you don’t want anyone to see.

    So I had this conversation with her. I told her I knew she was trying to protect me from the unknown, she was trying to keep me safe, but everything was going to be all right. I told her I was going to make sure she wouldn’t go through this again, because I committed to do my 100% best at all times.

    She smiled, opened up, and reached for my hand. She said she was going to watch, but she knew she could trust me. She knew I could trust myself.

    And you can, too.

    When resistance shows up, first acknowledge it, invite it to come in, and identify the fear behind it . Use that fear to propel you to do your 100% best at all times. That scared person in the dark corner of the room? Let him or her become your best friend and your fuel.

    Here is the thing with resistance and fear: When you decide to think and play bigger, to show up like you’ve never done before, to make bold moves, resistance will show up, there is no way around it.

    It’s part of the process; it means that you are on the threshold, waiting to take the next step toward another level of consciousness, another level of being.

    Resistance is here for you to make a choice : stay on the threshold, or look forward and step up.

    Which one will it be?

    Photo by r.f.m. II

  • Making Changes When the People Around You Resist Your Plan

    Making Changes When the People Around You Resist Your Plan

    Standing Alone

    “The greatest step toward a life of simplicity is to learn to let go.” ~Steve Maraboli

    So I took the plunge. I stated out loud that I wanted to simplify my life.

    I wanted to have a life where what I did for a living and how I lived were more in balance with the person I am and aspired to be. The waterfall effect of that verbal declaration catapulted my life into a stratosphere of change that I am still learning to just “go with.”

    Three weeks after that declaration, I got “downsized” at work. Okay, I thought, the universe is listening, so no turning back now.

    I started with putting my house up for sale. Up went the “for sale” sign.

    Next came the purge. Closets were emptied, for-sale ads were posted, and stuff began to clear out. I donated and sold what seemed to be the physical barrier to my new life of “less is more.”

    Finally came the decision: What did I want to be when I grow up? Who we are and what we do always seemed to melt into one for me, so now I had a clean slate, and the “life worth creating” journey began.

    I scoured the career guides, took all the personality tests, hired a life coach. All the while, my external search for career satisfaction was in misalignment with my new values and the journey I had begun.

    So, I finally decided: No more suits, no more cubicle life, and no more aspiring to climb a ladder that I did not even care about.

    I read a great quote: “Better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want than the top of the ladder you don’t.”

    I decided that I was not searching for a new job; I was creating a life. I wanted to write and share my adventures and experiences along the way. I had a dream of inspiring people to dare to dream and achieve what they once thought was impossible. So the new life career began.

    In all my newness and transformation the one thing I had not counted on was the resistance I would receive from those in my inner circle.

    I guess I had assumed that people would be genuinely happy for me if I were happy.

    Unfortunately, that was not the case. They questioned why I wanted to sell my house and belongings, and worse yet, even give my stuff away. People asked me daily where I was going to live.

    A friend runs a charity that enables physically challenged people to experience outdoor adventure. Fantastic, I thought!

    This was exactly in alignment with what I believed to be an essential part of my journey. A donation of gear to the charity enabled additional people to get out and adventure where they had never before.

    This brought about a series of objections and questions from multiple parties about why I wasn’t selling my stuff rather than donating. I was really starting to think that people were missing the point.

    The largest objection of all came in regards to my career, or lack of a career pursuit. A declaration of not wanting to go back to an office, sit all day under fluorescent lights, and climb the invisible ladder to misery seemed to stun family and friends alike.

    I frequently heard, “But you went to university and have all this experience,” especially from family members who helped fund the academic letters behind my name. No amount of explaining seemed to dull the sound of objections.

    So in all of this, I have managed to stay on course, even if it has been a bumpy road, by learning a few lessons and following a few guiding principles to keep the wolves at bay.

    If you’re also making a life change and experiencing resistance from the people around you, these ideas may help:

    1. Realize that other people’s objections often have more to do with the noise in their heads than the words you say.

    Safety, security, and a certain amount of life predictability cloak the people in my life like Linus’ security blanket.

    As they watched me doing the proverbial running naked down the street thing, throwing caution to the wind after acknowledging that there was no security net, no new career prospects, and that I wanted to create a life based upon writing and adventuring, there came about an incessant need to throw their blankets over my shoulders to keep me safe from my goal of living a life of simplicity.

    Objections are often about other people, not us.

    2. Those closest to you may believe they’re an expert on your life.

    If I had received a dollar every time I heard, “If I were you, I would…” I would already have a steady stream of income coming in. Remembering that I am the expert of my own life and know why I am on the path I am has helped dull the volume of platitudes I heard on a regular basis.

    Trust that you know what’s best for you.

    3. Prove to yourself this you’re making the right choice.

    Some days it felt like I was the weak animal waiting to get preyed on during my transformation into a new life, because as soon as I would show doubt, insecurity, or even waffle a tiny bit on whether I was doing the right thing for me, the people closest to me pounced.

    The best defense to these challenges was proof. As time went by and I stayed on course, their challenges began to decrease in volume. Anyone with doubt became less resistant and some even became satisfied as I became happier and in balance with my new life choices.

    When you stay the course, people start to accept it.

    4. Have a plan.

    I have learned in my new journey that without a plan, I am just a leaf blowing in the wind. It is not enough that I say that I want to make a change. That does not make a parent feel confident in their child’s quest for a new life or allow a partner to have faith that an income will be generated.

    So I have made an actionable plan, with milestones and tangible goals that, when achieved, help reinforce my adventurous journey of a new life.

    Making a plan helps you and reassures the people who are trying to look out for you.

    5. Be patient.

    I’ve learned to have patience with others and myself. Recognizing where people come from, the stories in their own heads, and the story in mine assists in keeping me on track.

    Keeping perspective and learning to let go of other people’s fears and objections enables you to continue on, one step at a time.

    I am by no means an expert on self-help, making life changes, or living a life of simplicity. What I have learned, though, is that other people’s objections can fuel the flame and reinforce our decision to create a new life.

    Photo by Alcino

  • 5 Steps to Make Change Work for You

    5 Steps to Make Change Work for You

    “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” ~Alan Watts

    Life is a free-flowing, ever changing river. Riding the rapids is frightening, and the temptation to avoid it is alluring. However, the adventure it promises is equally attractive.

    We are naturally primed to adapt. Yet, the possibility of having to give up what is familiar is daunting. It can leave one paralyzed, disoriented, and unable to move forward.

    In my childhood, my family kept moving across cities and often within the same city. By the time I was ten, I had lived in three cities, in two different states, in about ten different residences, and had studied in seven different schools. A period of apparent stability followed this nomadic phase of my life.

    When I decided to get married, I had been living in the same city for about fifteen years. I had a job, a daily routine, a solid social circle, and everything else that speaks of a “settled” life. I was absolutely snug in the center of my comfort zone!

    Perhaps that is why the thought of moving to a new city post-marriage made me apprehensive.

    Marriage, in itself, is a huge life change. I knew full well that it would usher in a plethora of new roles, responsibilities, and demands.

    In addition to this, living away from my family, my friends, and everything that was familiar to me was a rather intimidating challenge.

    The doubts that my family and friends expressed with regards to my ability to adjust added to my anxiety. I started to have second thoughts about getting married.

    At the same time the idea of giving up on a wonderful man just because I was too afraid to make a few changes in my life seemed ridiculous. In the end, I decided in favor of getting married and moving to a new city—one that was very different from what I was used to.

    Two years later, I know I’ve made the right decision. Having taken on the challenge called “change,” I have made it work for me. In retrospect, I can describe the process of successful change as having five discrete steps/stages.

    1. Reaffirmation of self-belief.

    I had to trust myself. Handing in my resignation letter without having another job lined up was one of the toughest things I’ve had to do.

    I gave myself the confidence that I was skilled, and I would be able to find another job no matter where I went. I believed that no matter where life took me, I would find a way to put down roots and thrive.

    2. The willingness to move out of your comfort zone.

    It’s difficult and it takes a lot of courage to let go of the people, places, and things that we’re used to. These are emotional anchors that keep us rooted. They give us a feeling of security.

    To successfully make a change, however, one must be willing to let go and accept the ensuing discomfort—which is usually short lived and worth the trouble when you take the benefits into consideration.

    Accepting discomfort does not mean that you should disregard the unpleasant aspects of the situation and focus only on the positive. In fact, we may find nothing to like. Acknowledging the negatives is a better strategy than denial, and was in fact the third step I took toward making a smooth transition.

    3. Acknowledge what you don’t like.

    When we are open about what we dislike like about the situation, it presents us with opportunities for problem solving. There are many things that I don’t like about the city I live in now. However, acknowledging these things has enabled me to work around these issues.

    Of course, I didn’t do any of this in a hurry.

    When we juggle too many balls, we’re bound to drop a couple. Each one of us has our own momentum at which we are able to make adjustments.

    4. Find your own pace.

    As a new bride, my initial focus was on getting to know my new family better. From there I moved on to getting to know my immediate neighbors and locality well. I took my time to settle down before I started working again and exploring the city as a whole.

    This steady pace gave me the time to appreciate the positives—the final step.

    5. Appreciate everything you’ve gained.

    I began to notice that making the change had opened up a whole new world to me. This was a great opportunity to meet new people and to discover new places!

    Quitting my well-paying job—something that I dreaded before—became a blessing in disguise. I had always wanted to be a learning and development professional; however, I had been working as a marketing executive.

    Quitting my job in marketing in order to shift to the new city, though unpleasant, had now given me the perfect opportunity to make the desired shift in my career as well.

    A happy family life, a dream job, and the time to pursue my interest in writing—these are the greatest gifts that I have received as a result of making this change.

    When we begin to see the good that is the outcome of the change, we know that we have been successful in making a transition.

    Change can be unpleasant, uninvited, and unwanted. But every change opens a door to possibilities that can leave us pleasantly surprised. Whether or not we can take advantage of it depends on how we approach the new situation we find ourselves in.

    The best part about being human is that we have the ability to adapt consciously—by altering the situation that we are in or by adjusting to the circumstances. When seen through these lenses, change is not something to be feared and avoided. Rather, it becomes a tool for growth and self-development.

    We can make change work for us.

    Photo by Alaskan Dude

  • How Accepting Your Pain Can Help You Heal

    How Accepting Your Pain Can Help You Heal

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    My partner, Ruth, and I were not happy.

    The inside of her mouth was covered in sores, she couldn’t swallow well, and she was exhausted. The chemotherapy was ravaging her body. Something had to be done.

    When her oncologist, Dr. Patel, came into the room, he perched on his little rolling stool and looked up at her Ruth where she sat on the exam table with her legs dangling.

    She railed against the chemotherapy and what it was doing to her. I seconded her sentiments silently with frequent nods and frowns.

    After some time, Ruth finished her diatribe and crossed her arms, daring Dr. Patel to fix this invasion into the very lifeline of her system.

    His expression had never changed during her speech. He looked at her intently, listening carefully, but his eyes were soft with care and concern. Now those eyes looked deeply into hers.

    “Ruth, don’t resist. Don’t resist the chemotherapy. Allow each drop to enter your body in a healing way and do its work. Resistance does not help you; it only saps your energy. In your treatment, in your work, in all places in your life—don’t resist. Go with whatever comes rather than struggling against it.”

    Ruth and I looked at each other and then back at Dr. Patel.

    Don’t resist? (more…)

  • The Power of Acceptance: Stop Resisting and Find the Lesson

    The Power of Acceptance: Stop Resisting and Find the Lesson

    “Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” ~Arthur Rubinstein

    Sometimes you’re an observer of other people’s lives and you think you’ll never experience what they’re living, whether it’s a positive or negative situation. You think, “That will never happen to me.”

    Part of the real beauty of life is that it’s unpredictable. Nothing is permanent, everything changes, and of course, a lot of things can happen that will transform who you are and have an impact on your life. The problem is that we need to cultivate the ability to truly accept whatever comes and embrace it.

    We need to develop the habit of looking at whatever happens through a positive mindset instead of a negative, defeatist one.

    Of course, life will bring many challenges, such as the death of someone we love, and it’s not easy to embrace them when we’re suffering and wishing those things would have never happened. But if we start cultivating acceptance in our lives right now, we’ll likely cope with future crises in a different way and view them from a different perspective. We will accept instead or resisting.

    I am big fan of Deepak’s Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of  Success. He dedicates one complete chapter (Law #4) to how we need to receive with open arms what happens to us, because if we fight and resist it, we are generating a lot of turbulence in our minds.

    He explains that we might want things to be different in the future, but in the present moment we need to accept things as they are. That’s the way you can make your life flow smoothly instead of roughly.

    During the last year of my life I have learned the true power of acceptance.

    The first lesson I learned was last year when my boyfriend broke up with me after three years together. Even though I was reluctant to believe he wouldn’t give me a second chance during the initial months, I eventually realized I had no option but to accept his choice and move on with my life. (more…)

  • Why We Find It Hard to Do Things That Are Good for Us

    Why We Find It Hard to Do Things That Are Good for Us

    “Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.” ~Jack Kornfield

    I find it hard to do things I know are good for me, harder than anything else in my day-to-day life.

    Yoga, meditation, journaling: these have all been invaluable tools during my personal journey, yet I have to will, sometimes fight myself in order to do them.

    It’s not that the activities themselves are hard (although yoga can be intense). It’s the motivation, the internal debate that starts up every day that I struggle with. Afterward, I feel great, more in touch with myself and far more at peace. But to get there, it’s a psychological mission.

    I used to think it was just me—that everyone else sat down to these activities with an eager mind and an open heart, especially people who write about these things, like I do, and practice them daily, like I want to.

    The fact that I was less skipping joyfully to and from these activities and more dragging myself with gritted teeth left me feeling like a fraud, which meant I wanted to do these things even less.

    Over time, I learned more about self-acceptance. I learned to accept that this was me, the way I am, and that perhaps I will always find it difficult to sit down and do these things, whether it makes sense or not. Yet, I still felt alone with my struggles and, therefore, afraid to really talk about them with anyone else.

    Last week, I was talking to a friend of mine about challenges he was having with a course I run. He was saying he felt resistance, he didn’t know why, and that it seemed like everyone else found sitting down and doing the work a walk in the park. They could just do it, whereas for him it was a daily battle.

    That sounded familiar…

    And as soon as I wasn’t trying to hide the resistance, as soon as I let myself talk about it openly, I could think more clearly about why I felt that way, and what was behind that resistance. And out of all those reasons came the realization: the resistance is on my side; sometimes it’s just misguided. (more…)

  • How to Tackle Resistance to Make Meaningful Life Changes

    How to Tackle Resistance to Make Meaningful Life Changes

    “Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.” ~Winston Churchill

    A little over two years ago, I wrote these hopeless words in my journal:

    “All around me, I’m noticing people perpetuate patterns they claim to hate or end up in situations they’ve always dreaded. And I can’t seem to break free. When I take steps to make a new life or forge a new path, barriers pop up left and right. I don’t know what to do differently.”

    At the time, it felt as if my repeated attempts at changing the trajectory of my life toward joy and expansion were constantly thwarted by some covert forces intent on keeping me down.

    I felt as if I was fated to feel unfulfilled and discontent for the rest of my life. I felt like maybe everyone was fated to repeat maladaptive patterns and self-sabotaging mistakes.

    My, how things have changed.

    Since then I’ve taken significant steps toward major changes in my life, all bringing me closer to a joyful life based on my “anchors,” or values. My life continues to open up and I am presented with new opportunities daily.

    But there is still resistance. Nay-sayers. Obstacles to this change that I previously thought were unmanageable. In the past when these obstacles came up, I would shrink back into my old life thinking, “I knew I couldn’t do that.”

    In the present, I harness all of my strength and resources and confront these obstacles head-on. I know that there will always be resistance to change. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile.

    I’ve identified the two primary barriers to change, and some strategies for managing both.

    Read on to begin charting a new course for your life. (more…)

  • 5 Ways to Push Through Discomfort to Make Positive Change

    5 Ways to Push Through Discomfort to Make Positive Change

    “Don’t let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams.” ~Unknown

    One of the most difficult parts of reaching your goals or making positive change is pushing through discomfort.

    This is where a lot of people give up—when the process inspires all kinds of challenging feelings.

    If you’ve quit your day job to pursue your passion and after six months you need to sell your car to keep going, a cubicle may appeal to your need for security.

    If you’d like to get your masters degree but received rejection letters for the fall, your ego might tell you not to reapply.

    If you’d love to let someone into your life but you’re afraid of being hurt, you may bail at the first sign of conflict.

    Maybe your will is strong enough to clear emotional hurdles without flinching; but odds are, you’re at least a little familiar with that nagging inner voice that says, “Go back. It’s too hard. It’s not worth it.”

    Except it is. According to the video 212 degrees, the margin of victory for the last ten years in the Indy 500 has been 1.54 seconds. The margin of victory in all major golf tournaments in the last twenty-five years was only three strokes.

    The day you give up could easily be three strokes before you succeed. Even if your future doesn’t unfold exactly as you’d planned, you’ll never regret what you become through the process of following your bliss.

    Now it’s just about how. How do you separate yourself from your fears so they don’t sabotage your efforts? How do silence that inner voice and force yourself to keep taking step, after step, after step? Here’s what I’m working on now: (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Risks

    Tiny Wisdom: On Risks

    “It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.” ~Seneca

    Taking the path of least resistance actually requires a lot of resistance. It’s human nature to want to soar! To venture out, explore the world, expand ourselves and our minds and live with passion, enthusiasm, and abandon.

    You might be doing that already, whatever that means to you. Or you may be containing yourself into a safe, predictable box, assuming everything outside it is far beyond your reach.

    It’s not—it’s not nearly as far away as you think.

    We’d be kidding ourselves if we pretended the world is without obstacles; but we’d be cheating ourselves if we didn’t acknowledge a lot of them are in our heads.

    Today, dare beyond your self-imposed limitations. It’s a lot easier to venture out of your comfort zone when you decide to stop fighting yourself.

    Photo by Wonderlane