Tiny Buddha

Tag: rejection

  • Why People Reject Us and What We Can Do About It

    Why People Reject Us and What We Can Do About It

    Rejection

    “When we can no longer change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

    There’s probably no worse feeling in life than the feeling of being rejected. Whether it’s from the opposite sex, a friend or family member, or co-workers, the feeling that our presence is not wanted or no longer welcomed can cause us to feel hurt and become defensive.

    I’ve learned a couple of ways of dealing with rejection when it arises in various situations, and for taking the sting out of it.

    The first thing to realize is that rejection isn’t personal. Not really, anyway. It only seems that way because that’s how we tend to look at it.

    I’ve found that when people reject us, there are times when there’s something we can learn from it, and there are other times when it’s completely on the other person.

    So, let’s take a look at these two experiences of rejection, and discuss ways for dealing with them…

    When Our Behavior Turns Others Off

    People sometimes reject us because of the behavior we exhibit in our interactions with them. When people feel uncomfortable, they’re instinctively going to want to prevent themselves from experiencing annoyance or irritation. And their obvious solution is to remove themselves from our presence.

    The result is that we end up feeling rejected by it.

    But that’s why rejection isn’t personal. In this case, they’re not rejecting us; they’re rejecting our behavior.

    And though it is true that we sometimes associate and attribute our behavior with our identities, it’s not really the case. After all, if you change some of your behavior, aren’t you still the same person? Just because you choose to act in a different way, that doesn’t mean you’re not yourself.

    When I was twenty, I had a big crush on a girl I worked with. We went out a few times and it seemed to start off well. But slowly, she started to pull away and avoid me.

    It stung. And for a while, I couldn’t figure out what went wrong. I thought about what a great guy I thought I was, and wondered why she couldn’t see that, and why she wasn’t coming to her senses.

    But I soon realized that my problem was this: I was focused on why she should like me, not why she didn’t.

    I later discovered that I had been acting in ways that made her uncomfortable, ways that turned her off and repelled her, all without realizing it at the time.

    I’d call her too often, I’d give her too much attention, always lingering around, I’d buy her gifts to try to buy her affections… the list went on and on.

    Once I discovered that these things turned her off, I set out to eliminate them from my interactions in the future. And my results in the dating department changed drastically when I did.

    There are lots of behaviors that make almost everyone feel uncomfortable, including dumping our complaints on others, acting needy and clingy, bragging about ourselves, being defensive and argumentative, being overly critical and judgmental of other people, and many more.

    Addressing these behaviors takes some introspection. We have to discover what’s motivating them in the first place. And what usually motivates them, ironically, is the desire to gain approval from others.

    When we recognize these behaviors and work on them, we’re less likely to make others feel uncomfortable. This doesn’t guarantee other people won’t reject us, but it does decrease the odds that they’ll want to avoid us.

    When We Fail To Meet Others’ Expectations

    People can also reject us because of their own personal prejudices, values, or beliefs.

    I’m talking about those situations where someone else has certain expectations for us that we don’t meet up to. This is the case of the son who wants to be a musician, but whose father wants him to be a lawyer. If the son pursues his dream, his dad is going to reject him.

    Or the introverted and reserved boyfriend who feels rejected because his girlfriend criticizes him for not being more outgoing, like her.

    Sometimes rejection is simply caused by an incompatibility of values, beliefs, or personality types between people.

    This is that scenario where rejection happens because people disagree with our life choices, or because they simply have different opinions, lifestyles, or personalities than us.

    In these cases, all you can really do is accept that someone else is rejecting you because of their expectations for you. Again, it isn’t really personal. It’s often due to someone else’s inability to accept you for who and where you are. And they are entitled to that choice.

    Accept that this is generally their issue, not yours. Or it could just be a compatibility issue neither of you is responsible for.

    Knowing How to Respond to Rejection

    It’s not always easy to recognize if there’s something to learn from rejection, or if the rejection is merely a consequence of someone else’s unmet expectations. But the distinction becomes much clearer when we develop self-awareness about our behaviors and how they affect others.

    Either way, understanding the causes of rejection can take the sting out of it, because it’s never about who we are; it’s about what we’re doing. And we can either work to change our choices, or recognize that someone else is unable to accept them, and that’s completely on them.

    Rejection image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No

    How to Stop Saying Yes When You Want to Say No

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself” ~Sonya Parker

    I am a sucker for saying yes.

    Sometimes I even find myself thinking, “No, no, no, no” and then I blurt out, “Yes.”

    Why is it so difficult to say the word “no”? It’s just a word, right?

    After feeling trapped for some time by my excessive urge to be agreeable, it got me thinking.

    I asked myself why it was so important for me to please everyone, to the point that I would feel resentful and stressed because of it.

    I realized I was afraid of saying no because my biggest fear is rejection. I was afraid that every time I did this, I would disappoint someone, make them angry, hurt their feelings, or appear unkind or rude.

    Having people think negatively of me is the ultimate rejection. Whether they say what they think of me, out loud or not, does not matter to me. It is the thought that they look down on me.

    And so I realized exactly why I found it so difficult to say no.

    I realize this is not just a challenge that I face but one that many people go through every day. It’s a heavy burden to carry because with the urge to say yes also comes a lack of self-confidence and self-value.

    If, like me, you’re having trouble saying no, this may help.

    Saying No Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad Person

    Saying no doesn’t mean that you are being rude, selfish, or unkind. These are all unhelpful beliefs that make it hard to say no.

    Learning where these beliefs have come from is a great way to learn to let go of them.

    Did you ever wonder why it was so easy to say no when you were a little kid and why it has become so difficult now? What happened?

    Well, as children, we learned that saying no was impolite or inappropriate.

    If you said no to your mom, dad, teacher, uncle, grandparents, and so on, you were most certainly considered to be being rude, and you would have probably been told off for it.

    Saying no was off limits, and yes was the polite and likable thing to say.

    Now that we are all adults, we are more mature and capable of making our own choices, as well as knowing the difference between wrong and right. Therefore, no shouldn’t be an off-limits word but rather something that we decide on ourselves, based on our own discretion.

    But sadly, we hold onto our childhood beliefs, and we continue to associate no with being dislikeable, bad-mannered, unkind, or selfish. We worry that if we say no, we will feel humiliated, guilty, or ashamed and will end up being alone, rejected, or abandoned.

    Knowing Your Value

    The second step to learning to say no is realizing that you are valuable and choosing your own opinion about yourself over others.

    I have learned that if you live your life depending on other people’s approval, you will never feel free and truly happy.

    If you depend on other people’s approval, what you are basically saying is, “Their opinion of me is more important than my opinion about myself.”

    If your opinion of yourself is actually quite low, remember that:

    • Your problems do not define you.
    • It’s okay to make mistakes—nobody is perfect, and everybody does things that they regret; this is what makes us human.
    • What makes a person great is not their looks or achievements, but their willingness to love others, be humble, and grow as a person.
    • You are unique, valuable, and important. No one else in this world can offer what you can.

    Is It Really Worth It?

    The third step to learning to say no is deciding if saying yes is really worth it.

    After committing to something, doubt eventually sets in, and you may begin to think of ways you can get out of it.

    And if you don’t have any good excuses, you then have to decide if you are going to tell the truth or come up with a lie.

    Think about the anguish, stress, and resentment that saying yes has caused you. Wouldn’t it be so much easier and straightforward to just say no in the first place?

    I remember this one time that I said yes to something and then later felt so bad about it that I ended up lying my way out of it. I still feel bad that I lied.

    My boss called me one day and asked if I could work the following Saturday. As usual, I blurted out a polite “Yes, of course, that’s no problem at all.” I actually had plans with my boyfriend, which I was really looking forward to.

    Later, I found myself feeling absolutely terrible about having said yes, and I wished that I had just had the guts to say no from the beginning.

    Dreading the idea of having to work that day, I called my boss back with the best excuse I could think of. I told her that I had completely forgotten that it was my dad’s birthday that Saturday and that we had a family get-together (which was certainly not the case).

    Looking back, I realize that it really isn’t worth it to say yes when you don’t want to. I have a right to say no and shouldn’t be afraid of letting other people down at the cost of my own happiness.

    If you have also decided that it’s worth it to you and want to learn to say no, try these simple yet effective tips for doing so with confidence.

    Helpful Tips for Saying No

    • Be direct, such as “no, I can’t” or “no, I don’t want to.”
    • Don’t apologize and give all sorts of reasons.
    • Don’t lie. Lying will most likely lead to guilt—and remember, this is what you are trying to avoid feeling.
    • Remember that it is better to say no now than be resentful later.
    • Be polite, for example, saying, “Thanks for asking.”
    • Practice saying no. Imagine a scenario and then practice saying no either by yourself or with a friend. This will get you feeling a lot more comfortable with saying no.
    • Don’t say, “I’ll think about it” if you don’t want to do it. This will just prolong the situation and make you feel even more stressed.
    • Remember that your self-worth does not depend on how much you do for other people.

    Learning to say no has been one of the best things I have done for myself. Not only has it challenged me to overcome my fear of rejection, it has helped me feel in control.

    I don’t feel trapped, resentful, or guilty anymore. Instead, I feel empowered and free.

    If you want that same feeling of freedom and empowerment, then take control, challenge yourself, and learn to say no.

  • How to Overcome the Pain of Rejection

    How to Overcome the Pain of Rejection

    “Live your life for you not for anyone else. Don’t let the fear of being judged, rejected or disliked stop you from being yourself.” ~Sonya Parker 

    Hearing this word probably makes you think of not being good enough or not reaching certain standards. As unpleasant as it is, rejection is part of life, and my life is no exception.

    From being the last to be chosen to join the volleyball team to receiving a college admissions response in the dreaded “thin envelope,” I quickly learned that not everybody thought the highest of me.

    As years went by and I took on more risks, I invited more rejection into my life. The boy I crushed on for months only wanted to be friends. Another candidate was selected for my dream job. Many literary agents thought my manuscript wasn’t a good fit for them.

    And eventually, I endured the ultimate form of rejection: The man who promised to be by my side till “death do us part” changed his mind.

    One of the most famous statements by renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow is that self-actualizers are “independent of the good opinion of other people.”

    Even though so many of us have heard Maslow’s or a similar statement, rejection continues to bring up our most negative emotions. We feel ashamed and inadequate, and wonder whether something is seriously wrong with us.

    A recent social research study shows that the same regions of the brain that become active during painful sensory experiences are also activated when we experience social rejection.

    Rejection literally hurts.

    What to do? How do we lessen the pain? How do we join the ranks of Maslow’s self-actualizers?

    Here is what I’ve learned.

    Rejection is negative judgment manifested, and judgment is subjective by nature.

    This means you can decide to interpret rejection as evidence of someone’s perception rather than as evidence of your flawed nature.

    The area rug that is beautiful to your best friend might be hideous to you, and that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but an opinion doesn’t determine whether a rug is truly pretty or ugly. The rug just is.

    The same principle applies to opinions about everything else, including people’s opinions about you.

    People who reject you are the minority.

    Estimate how many people you’ve met in your entire life. Count the number of people who have severely rejected you. Divide the second number by the first, and you’ll see how the result rarely exceeds 1%.

    Is 1% significant? If you only drink 1% milk, you feel your diet is healthful because after all, 1% milk fat is almost nothing, correct?

    I’ve met thousands of people throughout my life, and even though I have received a fair deal of moderate rejection, only a couple of people have rejected me in such a way that seriously challenged my self-identity.

    Bottom line, extreme rejection is usually the exception.

    The intensity of your negative emotions will depend on the degree of attention you place on the rejection.

    You can be aware of the unpleasant experience, but if you don’t focus on it, you’ll take away its power.

    Place your attention on the positive feedback and support you receive from others. Being consciously aware of the people who have encouraged you will allow you to align with high-energy emotions and positive situations.

    Rejection can be an instrument for learning and growth.

    Although rejection is subjective, you could decide to use the experience as an opportunity to contemplate your current behaviors, and determine ways to grow and become a better person.

    Rejection from potential employers became my motivation to review my resume and enroll in professional development courses.

    The feedback I received from literary agents propelled me to bring my writing craft to the next level.

    My husband’s decision to leave our marriage moved me to help others going through a similar situation.

    Rejection is a sign you’re experiencing life to the fullest.

    Chances are, if you had chosen to hide under the covers and had not pursued the friendship, career, contest, or relationship, you wouldn’t have experienced rejection.

    But you wouldn’t have completely experienced life either.

    Learn to see rejection as proof that you’re brave enough to take on risks and to participate in the wide realm of experiences available on this planet. Feel empowered by what you have accomplished.

    The only approval that truly matters is your self-approval.

    Your self-love and respect for your uniqueness will trump the negative emotions brought up by rejection.

    Once you’re conscious of your magnificence, rejection will lose its power.

    You might not feel happy about being rejected, but you will bounce back quickly.

    Most importantly, you’ll continue embracing life, pursuing your truth, and focusing on the many gifts in your past, present, and future.

  • How to Tackle the Top 6 Fears That Keep Us Stuck

    How to Tackle the Top 6 Fears That Keep Us Stuck

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” ~Isabel Allende

    When you think of a fearless person, you might imagine a real-life James Bond who performs death-defying stunts knowing he could die at any second.

    But for most of us living “normal” lives, fear operates at a subconscious level and prevents us from being the best we can be.

    For a long time, I struggled with these fears. I could not get myself to speak in front of people without experiencing extreme nervousness. When it came to talking to girls I liked, I could list 100 reasons why I would get rejected.

    As I got older, I learned that these fears affected me not because I wasn’t talented or likable, but because I was limiting myself with my thinking.

    By training our minds, we can control our fears instead of letting them control us. Below are some tips that have helped me fear less and live more (which I hope will help you too).

    1. Be more vulnerable. (Tackle the fear of rejection and intimacy.)

    None of us want to have our hearts broken, but when we’ve experienced this before, we may be afraid of entering new relationships for fear of getting hurt.

    Being vulnerable means accepting yourself for who you are and accepting your imperfections. Revealing your authentic self is a powerful way to combat the fear of rejection because you don’t try to be an ideal person; instead, you learn to be confident in yourself, regardless of who accepts or rejects you.

    2. Work hard and expect nothing. (Tackle the fear of failure.)

    As harsh as it sounds, expectations set us up for failure. A lot of the things we plan and expect to happen never happen. The potential for failure hurts our egos and keeps us from trying new things.

    Your task is to discover what your heart wants and work really hard at it. Whether things actually work out how you planned is not under your control. Trust that life will take care of that, and that you can be happy regardless of what happens.

    This mindset helps you do your best; and even if you fail, you’ll still feel good about doing what you love.

    3. Know that you are capable of achievement. (Tackle the fear of success.)

    It’s not always fear of failure that stops us. Sometimes it’s the fear of success. As ridiculous as it may sound, sometimes even if we’ve worked hard at something, we are afraid of putting ourselves out there because we feel we don’t deserve it.

    As I mentioned before, I used to be afraid of public speaking and thought it was because of the fear of failing. But really, I was saying to myself, “You are not good enough; just leave it to the experts.” Then I changed my inner voice to, “Why not me? I deserve this and am fully capable of doing this.” This helped me get rid of my fear of public speaking.

    4. Let go. (Tackle the fear of losing control.)

    We like to be in control of everything in our lives. It’s easy to think of someone like Sherlock Holmes who plans everything out in detail; and even when things don’t seem to be going according to plan, he really had that planned all along too.

    But real life just doesn’t work this way. For example, one of the things I liked to control was time. I would try to plan my entire day on Outlook, and when things didn’t go that way, I’d be disappointed. When I stopped doing this, I felt less stressed, and many of the things I feared would happen if I didn’t plan things out never happened.

    I’m sure many of you have had similar experiences trying to control things. It is important to realize that you don’t need to control life to be happy; and if you try to control life, you definitely won’t be.

    5. Focus on the present. (Tackle the fear of the past repeating itself.)

    Sometimes, we let our past experiences prevent us from succeeding. Because you failed so many times before, you start to expect failure this time too.

    You hear people telling you to let go of the past all the time. But how exactly do you do it? By being fully absorbed in the present. Focus on your breathing right now. See what you are seeing right now and feel what you are feeling right now.

    For those who practice meditation, this may sound familiar. This is how you let go of attachment to the past and the fear of it repeating itself.

    6. Realize you can handle whatever happens. (Tackle the fearing of worst-case scenarios.)

    We humans like to picture the worst scenario that could arise out of a situation. In our minds, we may fear going bankrupt or something bad happening to our loved ones.

    I’m not saying we should be naïve and not expect bad things to happen at all. But to live in fear of these scenarios is a waste of time and energy, because many times the things we fear never end up happening, and when they do happen, it’s not quite as bad as we imagined it would be.

    We can’t control whether the worst will happen to us or not. But if it does happen, the only thing we can do is take action, knowing we can handle whatever comes at us, as we’ve handled every obstacle we’ve faced up until now.

     

  • Sharing Yourself Without Worrying About Being Accepted

    Sharing Yourself Without Worrying About Being Accepted

    Hiding

    “Happiness is really a deep harmonious inner satisfaction and approval.” ~Francis Wilshire

    Acceptance.

    This is a word we often toss around, but what does it truly mean? Perhaps the meaning of it ultimately resides within its beholder. I know I have certainly achieved my own understanding of what acceptance means to me and for me, and so far, this definition is ever evolving.

    On November 6, 2013, I returned to the United States after having lived in Australia for two and a half years. I spent the majority of my time there studying and practicing yoga and teaching yoga and meditation.

    As a teacher, I had to face my attachment to the experience my students had or did not have. I feared that I would not be good enough, that somehow they would find fault in my delivery, and that I would ultimately not be accepted.

    Now, let’s be clear, this fear was no new fear. It had haunted me all my life. Becoming a yoga and meditation teacher was just one of the divine blessings that brought this fear to the surface for me to clear and overcome, like nothing had been able to before it.

    At the end of last year, I traveled to the Oneness University in India. For thirty-one days we went through many classes, ancient rituals, and ceremonies, and had an abundance of time and opportunity to see ourselves clearly.

    The monks lovingly guided us to look at our unconscious fear, pain, suffering, and inauthentic actions.

    This was extremely confronting, because most of us had no idea we were operating on a level of such fear.

    After that, I went back to Australia and spent the next five months falling apart as I became aware of so much inner dissatisfaction and disapproval. Holy Moly! I sometimes wondered if I’d ever come through it.

    During this time, I did some coaching with a woman named Jaxin Brooke. In our initial consultation, it became clear how much I longed to feel like I fit somewhere, like I belonged, like I was completely accepted.

    She helped me see how I had been going about this with external efforts; I thought if I could up my career game, or perhaps if I moved back to America, or got married, then maybe I would “fit in.”

    The truth was, I suffered from internal rejection and an inability to feel like what I was offering, who I was, and where I was at in my life were good enough.

    Awareness is the most effective tool for helping me shift from fear to love, from criticism to compassion, and from conditional to unconditional love.

    Awakening begins with seeing.

    Once I become aware of the way I am currently operating—meaning I can see the inner critic, the judgments, the fear, and the stories—the awareness alone brings light to the darkness or consciousness to the unconscious. This brings about an automatic shift in perception. So for me, inner satisfaction and approval depend on my level of inner awareness.

    Between working with Jaxin and watching a TED talk by Brené Brown on vulnerability, I began to experience a profound shift. There was a specific message that I received, and that message was this:

    “Acceptance comes as a result of sharing what’s in our hearts, regardless of the outcome.”

    It clicked. I understood that acceptance was no one else’s responsibility. It was my own. The first step toward it was vulnerability. Vulnerability is courageous. Courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means heart.

    I began to share what was in my heart, regardless of the outcome, in my classes, with my boyfriend, with my clients, with my friends, in my articles, and I began to experience something beautiful.

    Showing up and sharing was no longer about the feedback or responses I got from others. It was about me doing my part. It was about showing up as the best version of myself, without hiding the things I assumed other people wouldn’t love.

    I began to apply this into my daily life as a spiritual practice. I began to give fully, to speak my truth openly, to share what was in my heart each day, regardless of the outcome, and I experienced the joy of connecting with people like never before.

    I was no longer trying to be perfect, but rather letting them see me exactly the way I was.

    I was finally able to see my boyfriend through loving eyes, becoming aware of everything that was awesome about him instead of picking out what was wrong about him.

    I was able to share, personally and professionally, from a place of authenticity and vulnerability. I was no longer taking responsibility for what others did or did not get from my sharing, because I knew my only job was to generously and unconditionally give what sat in my heart and to surrender the rest.

    As a result, my relationships became even more powerful, even more mutually nourishing, and even more effective.

    Everything began to flow in abundant ways after this awareness blossomed within me, which has been a huge help for me now that I am back in the U.S. and spending time with family.

    Our loved ones have the ability to show us our deepest, darkest corners of insecurity, self-judgments, and inner disapproval.

    As a result, we typically end up pointing the finger at them and complaining about how imperfect they are. This trip home has been different for me than trips in the past.

    I have always assumed my family thinks certain things, that they judge me, or are disappointed in me for not being what they may have wanted me to be.

    Now, however, when I see myself in conversations with them and the old programs come up, telling these stories of their disapproval of me, in that moment I can soften. I can recognize the pain that is present in us all in that moment. I can have compassion for them and myself.

    I can reaffirm that I know who I am, I know what I’ve achieved in my life, and I know what amazing things I am up to; and therefore, I don’t have to demand their approval.

    I can consciously choose to let go of the old stories, the boxes I have put us in, the need to prove anything, and instead I can re-examine things with fresh eyes that have only one goal: to love myself and them.

    Even if my assumptions about my family were right, which is unlikely, with inner satisfaction and approval, I can still be happy and okay in the face of other people who may think, feel, and see things differently than I do.

    Awareness is what opens the pair of internal eyes that we need to see what is going on onside of us. Awareness will shine the inner flashlight on the internal fear and criticism. It will show us where we are currently operating and offer us the opportunity to upgrade.

    I am not inviting you to fix or change yourself. I simply invite you to turn on the flashlight within and see what happens. I invite you to become willing to surrender to the process that will follow such awareness, and to stay committed to your intention to accept yourself and others.

    Photo by Jennifer Graevell

  • How to Heal From Rejection: 5 Steps to Soothe the Pain

    How to Heal From Rejection: 5 Steps to Soothe the Pain

    Feel Alone

    “Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.” ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

    I spent years training as a psychologist, waiting for the day I would graduate and finally have time to explore my second passion—writing.

    When I opened a private practice I left my mornings free, and over the next fourteen years I wrote six screenplays, two novels, and a children’s book. But mostly I wrote letters, thousands of them, to agents, editors, and producers, asking them to read my work.

    They rejected every manuscript I sent them.

    After fourteen years of rejection, my mood, my confidence, my motivation, and my hope of ever being published or produced were fading. I felt too drained, too wounded to continue writing. I knew I needed to heal.

    Since I was a psychologist, my first move was to check out the latest research on rejection. I was especially curious to see if anything was known about why rejections cause such strong emotional pain. (As we all know, social and romantic rejections can be excruciating.)

    What I found was rather surprising. Functional MRI studies have revealed that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. In other words, rejections hurt because they literally mimic physical pain in our brain.

    I also discovered there are five things we can do to soothe the emotional pain rejections elicit, as well as to speed our psychological recovery:

    1. Stop the bleeding.

    One of the most common reactions people have to a rejection is to become self-critical. We list all our faults, lament all our shortcomings, and chastise ourselves endlessly. Romantic rejections cause some of us to employ an inner dialogue so harsh that it verges on abusive. We then convince ourselves we somehow deserve it.

    Yet, by kicking our self-esteem when it’s already down, we are only making our psychological injury worse, deepening our emotional wounds, and significantly delaying our recovery.

    2. Revive your self-worth.

    The best way to restore confidence, motivation, and especially self-esteem after a bruising rejection is to use a self-affirmation exercise. Self-affirmations remind us of our actual skills and abilities and by doing so, affirm our value in the domain in which we experienced the rejection.

    The exercise has two steps. First, make a list of qualities you have you know have value, and second, write a brief essay about one of them. (I wrote about what I believed was my strongest attribute as a writer—my perseverance.) By writing a couple of paragraphs about one of our strengths, we remind ourselves of what we have to offer and revive our self-esteem.

    3. Connect to those who appreciate and love you.

    Getting rejected also destabilizes our ‘need to belong,’ which is why we often feel so unsettled and restless after a romantic or social rejection. Our need to ‘belong’ dates back to our days of living in small nomadic tribes, when being away from our tribe was always dangerous and sitting among them was a source of comfort.

    One way to settle ourselves after a rejection is to reach out to our core group—be they friends, colleagues, or family members—to get emotional support from them and remind ourselves we’re valued, loved, and wanted.

    4. Assess potential changes.

    At times we might need to reassess our strategy, especially after multiple rejections (or in my case, many hundreds).

    Perhaps the friends who’ve fixed us up with romantic prospects who are never interested aren’t the best matchmakers. Maybe our online profile or pictures need to be updated, or it’s possible we’re getting rejected from potential jobs because we need to brush up our interview skills.

    My own aha moment (an insight that was obvious to everyone except me) came when a writer friend said to me, “Fourteen years, huh? Have you thought maybe you should skip the novels and write about psychology, since you know, that’s what you do…?”

    5. Try again soon.

    Another common reaction to rejection is to avoid any situation that might expose us to additional pain. We might not want to date for a while, or go on new job interviews, or make new friends, or in my case, start another writing project.

    But that’s an impulse we have to fight.

    Avoiding situations only makes us more fearful of them. Hesitant as I was to start writing again, I decided to heed my friend’s advice. I did a few months of research and started writing again. This time, it was a non-fiction proposal for a psychology/self-help book.

    I held my breath and sent it to an agent. She liked it and submitted it to several publishing houses.

    They did not reject it.

    Rejection is a form of psychological injury, one that can and should be treated. The next time your feelings hurt after a rejection, take action, treat your emotional wounds, and heal.

    Photo by Tanya Little

  • Keep Moving Toward Success, One Failure at a Time

    Keep Moving Toward Success, One Failure at a Time

    Running

    “If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through.” ~Chinese Proverb

    I remember clearly the day in March 2003 when I would receive the kind of news that no aspiring musician wants to hear.

    “Sorry, but you aren’t currently at the level needed to enter our school.”

    Five years of blood, sweat, and tears for what? To be told that I sucked? I sat there, lost in my own thoughts. Was I having a bad day? Was I simply not as good as my ego led me to believe?

    There I was, face to face with my assessor in a strange city on a damp and dreary Saturday afternoon. It could at least have been sunny! A bit of warmth and energy to brighten up this horrible feeling, but alas, as with many things that day, it just wasn’t to be.

    I wandered around these unfamiliar surroundings for almost an hour before catching the train home. This was to be one of the longest journeys of my life, not because of the mileage, but because I felt utterly dejected.

    Unfortunately, this wasn’t to be the only type of rejection I would face during my twenties.

    I have genuinely lost count of the number of women who have turned me down. Every “no” was like a hammer blow to my confidence and sense of self-worth. Why doesn’t anybody like me? What am I doing wrong? Am I destined to be alone?

    Yet more questions I didn’t have the answer to.

    The hardest part to take was the fact that a lot of these women were people that I actually knew, not just random strangers in a nightclub but friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.

    I was not some drunken guy that could be easily shaken off when surrounded by a group of friends, fuelled by alcohol and peer pressure. I was a part of their everyday lives, but held at arm’s length, never to get any closer.

    Miss P was one of these women. I had chased her for two years. We had a mutual feeling of affection that was only hindered by a toxic relationship on her part.

    I waited; it was all I could do. There were the occasions when our eyes would meet as we crossed paths, the hugs that lasted a few seconds too long, and the sense of belonging that hinted at what was possible.

    But when my chance came and the universe conspired to bring us together, it was to only be a fleeting moment. Life drove a wedge between us and I felt powerless as I watched her slip away.

    Situations like these are hard to take, but you know what? It toughens you up. There are only so many beat downs that one can receive before something must change, it has to. Eventually the brain will find a solution. When faced with adversity, we can all rise up and meet the challenge head on.

    I returned to that music school a few weeks later, and I had taken on board everything that was said to me. I practiced intently. I refused to allow this person to tell me that I wasn’t good enough. I refused to walk out of there having failed again. This was my time, and it was going to happen.

    It did.

    The audition was a success. I had adapted to the situation by accepting my faults and working tirelessly to correct them, and thus began a period of huge improvement in my day-to-day life.

    I was now ready to adapt this mentality to my faltering love life.

    After being rejected by nine women in a row, it was time to change things up. I would no longer focus on the outcome; instead it was all about the process. I taught myself to just enjoy the interactions and focus on making these women smile instead of my own selfish desires.

    A funny thing happened: The less I chased, the more success I had. I worked on my personality, not so much the core of who I was but in how I expressed the real me. These people weren’t seeing a nervous, needy guy but someone who was happier being who he wanted to be.

    Once I figured out that I held the key to my happiness, nothing would stand in my way.

    I started going on more dates. I had more meaningful relationships and even though I still don’t know what the future will hold for me, I believe 100% that by opening up and sharing the true essence of who I am, the right person will somehow find a way into my world.

    Throughout life we will receive bad news and criticism that will attempt to strip our confidence to the bone, but we can never allow that to happen.

    Failure, or as I like to say, the path to success, is a necessary part of our growth as human beings.

    Some people won’t see how amazing you really are and some people may not agree with your principles, but that’s okay. We just have to figure out how best to display our true selves, regardless of the situation.

    Whether you’re going on a date, attending an audition or an interview, or simply doing something that stretches your comfort zone, it is important to trust yourself and believe that you have what it takes to succeed.

    Mistakes happen. Failure occurs. Things don’t always go to plan but that’s okay, that’s life, and it’s necessary for personal growth. As long as we keep improving and moving forward without compromising our core values and therefore, our integrity, we can achieve almost anything.

    Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Don’t allow anyone to knock you off from the goal that you see in your mind’s eye. This journey is yours and nobody has the right to change your destination.

    Learn from the feedback that you receive, both good and bad, but don’t take it to heart.

    Everything can be improved and modified to fit any situation. People’s opinions can be changed, as can yours.

    Who you currently are, who you want to be, and who you want the world to see are entirely in your hands.

    Perseverance—it’s how we can all keep moving toward success, one failure at a time.

    Photo by Drewski Mac

  • Embracing Pain: Life’s Gifts Often Come Wrapped in Sandpaper

    Embracing Pain: Life’s Gifts Often Come Wrapped in Sandpaper

    “The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow.” ~Unknown

    “How did you get so wise?” My friend’s voice on the other end of the telephone line was genuinely curious.

    I took a moment to think, wanting to be just as sincere in my response as she was in her inquiry. I felt the words climb up from the depths of my heart and ride a breath of truth as they passed through my lips.

    “I cry a lot,” I finally responded.

    Believe me, I wish there was another way. On my personal journey—and there are surely others who walk a similar path—life at times sweeps me up in a wave of utter brokenness, and washes me onto new shores of beautiful transformation, grounded wisdom, and unconditional love.

    There is a longstanding slogan in Alcoholics Anonymous that pain is the touch point of all spiritual progress.

    Somehow our moments of deep despair and gut-wrenching desperation serve as evolutionary portals to a higher level of grace and resolve. The breakdown itself is the gateway to the breakthrough.

    Don’t get me wrong. I do not go chasing after anguish like an adrenaline junkie with a death wish. Just because turmoil shows up as an unexpected guest at my front door that doesn’t mean I graciously invite it in for tea and cookies.

    I avoid pain—internal and external—whenever possible. I’ve given birth to two beautiful children and both times I asked for the labor-numbing drugs. If I so much as stub my toe on the bedside table or get into an spat with my husband, I reach for my favorite quilt and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s for comfort.

    I have heard there are two types of pain in the world—welcomed and unwelcomed.

    Suffering is defined as unwelcomed pain. I am beginning to understand that, like enduring labor, the more I am able to stop resisting pain’s vice-like grip and breathe through the ark—noticing its build, peak, and subsiding—the less of a hold it has on me.

    Just like birthing my babies, on the other side of the pain is the promise. Some of life’s greatest gifts come wrapped in sandpaper.

    Here are a few of the treasured insights I have received on the other side life’s tribulations. I hope they renew your strength, affirm that you are not alone, and shed a hopeful light on your dark moments.

    Pain strengthens you. 

    In order to build a muscle we lift the weight. But first there is a breaking and bleeding of the capillaries. The healing of the wound is what develops the muscle; injury precedes strength.

    Pain refines you.

    It takes pressure to make a diamond and fire to purify gold. Nothing cleanses the soul like a good cry. Tears wash away the impurities of fear and attachment and clear the channels for love to freely flow.

    Pain lightens the load.

    Growing up my mother would often say, “When you are down to nothing, life is up to something.”

    Navigating painful moments can feel like squeezing yourself through a tight corridor. There is no room for excess baggage. At the peak of agony I have learned to let go of the “stuff” in my hands—my stories, my fears, my judgments—in order to hold on for dear life.

    Pain qualifies you. 

    Nothing qualifies a person to step up to a big vision for their life like pain. When I count the cost of the rejection and disappointments endured on the journey to living my dreams, it creates a worthiness and grounded resolve that my toughest critics cannot chip away.

    Pain connects you.

    One tragedy unites people in a far deeper way than a thousand moments of laughter. Falling apart independently and collectively healing has launched powerful, life-changing movements like Mothers Against Drunk Driving (M.A.D.D.). Pain becomes purpose when it is shared.

    Like the peaks and falls on a heart monitor, the valley low moments are just as much a confirmation of life as the mountain highs. Lean into pain’s sting. Allow yourself to be placed on its potter’s wheel and transformed into all you can ever hope to be and more.

    Remember, life is never happening to you, it is always happening for you. Always.

    Photo by sue jan

  • Start Building Confidence in Yourself Without Trying to Be Perfect

    Start Building Confidence in Yourself Without Trying to Be Perfect

    Screen shot 2013-02-19 at 5.57.23 PM

    “The outer conditions of a person’s life will always be found to reflect their inner beliefs.” ~James Allen

    I know now that I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t even have to try to be perfect. I used to think that things did not come to me because I did not try hard enough. Not true!

    The truth was, I was sabotaging myself.

    In college in Switzerland, instead of going to that school event or even answering the people who tried to talk to me, I shut myself down and ignored people.

    I was afraid of being rejected so I rejected life first. I did not think that I had anything to offer the world. I wasted a tremendous opportunity to see that world and meet unique people.

    It was only when I graduated that I realized that everything I wanted was knocking at my door, and I was choosing not to answer. Then I knew I had to change.

    I had to find something to believe in—and I was that something. I also ultimately had to forgive myself for repressing myself for so long. This is a journey that I am still on.

    I destroyed my early journals, wrought with misdirected messages, but writing once again became my resolve. A chance reading of a book on Zen changed my outlook as I began to meditate and calm my mind.

    Meditation is so powerful; it allows you to embody you, as you are. You see and feel yourself, and know deep down that you are alright. From that place of peace you can find the seeds of change.

    From there I started to build my life. I joined an amateur theater company, found a job I loved, got into and finished graduate school, and began to write on a new blog. Now I have to the bravery of self-reflection, the support of friends around the world, and the beginnings of my PhD in Humanities.

    I am far from perfect, but I am happy. (more…)

  • Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down

    Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down

    “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

    In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from our big, bad fears, we miss out on so much.

    When we live with the mindset that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure fear on a daily basis.

    It’s exhausting to live this way. It makes us cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow our hearts because we are afraid of what might happen.

    So what exactly are we protecting ourselves from when our walls are up?

    • Fear of rejection
    • Fear of being ridiculed
    • Fear of failure
    • Fear of being wrong
    • Fear of committing ourselves and having to follow through
    • Fear of being taken advantage of

    These fears are so normal that, unless we become self-aware, they can permeate our everyday interactions. It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come our way. When the barriers are up, our lives become needlessly limited.

    We don’t bother talking to that person because we’re certain they won’t be interested in a date. We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re afraid they won’t love us back. We don’t go for that job or that course because we’re scared we won’t get an interview.

    Nobody likes to feel exposed, but if you are someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal, trust issues become even further magnified.

    Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn’t have to be. If you consciously choose to stay open and trusting, you will find that your world changes for the better in ways you may never have imagined. (more…)

  • Reframing Rejection: Getting Rejected Doesn’t Always Have to Hurt

    Reframing Rejection: Getting Rejected Doesn’t Always Have to Hurt

    Rejected

    “Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama

    When I entered college, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I was going to be an actuary, just like my sister.

    Judy had just graduated, and she loved her job. My sister and I are very similar (both of us are math nerds, for example), so I knew I would love it too.

    While my school didn’t have an Actuarial Science major or any formal preparation for the career, I was able to get ahead, passing the qualifying exams at a rapid clip. And just as I was supposed to, I got a prestigious internship at a big consulting firm the summer after my junior year.

    Life was good. I loved my internship. I was being paid handsomely. And I was doing well, as indicated by my performance review.

    When the summer was over, all I had to do was wait for the call, the job offer, and I’d be set for life.

    That was the plan, at least.

    Of course, things never quite work out as planned. So when the phone call eventually came, it wasn’t with a job offer, but rather the only rejection out of our six-person internship class.

    While it was disappointing, I knew that with my great qualifications I would get an offer from another big company. In fact, I had connections at some competing firms, which I was sure would lead to another comparable job.

    I did everything I had to do. I interviewed perfectly, and no one else who was interviewing for the same positions had passed as many exams as I had.

    Yet somehow, it wasn’t good enough. By Christmas, I had gotten rejected from every single company I had applied to.

    I wasn’t sure how to feel. Of course, I felt pretty bad. But then, I kind of didn’t.

    You see, I was never able to study abroad in college. My roommate spent five months living in Jerusalem, and I was jealous. Suddenly, I was presented with the opportunity to remedy my #1 regret.

    And now, nearly a year later, I am living in Netanya, Israel, teaching English and having a great time. Out of rejection came a wonderful opportunity for me.

    Perhaps I’m just lucky. I certainly am grateful for the way things turned out. That being said, there is a mindset behind turning rejection into good fortune, and that mindset can be developed. (more…)

  • Overcoming Shyness: How to Feel More Confident

    Overcoming Shyness: How to Feel More Confident

    “Each time we face a fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.” ~Unknown

    I’m 25 years old and I’m currently in Minsk, Belarus, but that’s not where I’m from. In my relatively short life I’ve lived in many cities and countries all around the world, including Amsterdam, Cape Town (South Africa), Prague, Budapest, and Paris, to name a few.

    I went to many of these places on my own or because of a new friend or girlfriend I met.

    I was only able to make these moves because I overcame my shyness and learned to be confident.

    For most of my life I was incredibly shy and introverted and had minimal self-confidence. I didn’t have many friends at school, I wasn’t popular at all, and I got made fun of regularly.

    I never understood why, because I’m a nice guy, smart, okay-looking. But whatever the reasons, it conditioned me to believe that there was something wrong with me and that I just didn’t make the grade of a good human being.

    This had a big affect on my confidence and it caused me to become even more introverted than I naturally was because it was just easier to pull back into my world than deal with criticism.

    Communities like schools, universities, and work places tend to be very “cliquey.” Groups form, and it can be difficult to associate with people from another group, but it’s not impossible.

    Once you get a better understanding of social dynamics it becomes a lot easier to make friends and increase your social circles, no matter where in the world you are.

    It took me years of trial and error, with countless experiments, books, seminars, and tons of failure and rejection before I overcame my shyness and built my confidence.

    The good news is that it doesn’t need to take you nearly half as long to become more confident, both to make new friends and increase your odds of success.

    Sometimes people can be quick to judge and label based on stereotypes and perceptions. Not everyone will take the time to reach out to you and get to know you before they label you. This brings me to my first tip: (more…)

  • Life is Happening FOR Us: All Things Are Gifts

    Life is Happening FOR Us: All Things Are Gifts

    “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

    Up to a certain point in my life, I was always seeking approval and validation from everything outside of me. All I ever wanted was to feel loved. I longed for this feeling and wondered how the world could be so cruel as to reject me when I was so loving and available.

    I have since learned that I was not as available as I thought.

    It has been my experience that everyone that crosses our path is a mirror. They have come because we have called them into our lives to show us something—to teach us how to be more of who we truly are.

    Our higher selves crave these experiences and relationships, because ultimately, this journey we call life is all about finding everything we want within us rather than without. It’s about waking up.

    I have learned this over many years of things not turning out the way I wanted them to, feeling as though I was a victim and life was just not fair. I felt this way until I finally got it—I finally understood that life is happening for us. Yes, for us. (more…)

  • How the Word No Can Help You Achieve Your Goals

    How the Word No Can Help You Achieve Your Goals

    “If you lose today, win tomorrow.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    From the moment we learn to walk and touch things, we hear the word no far more than we will ever hear the word yes.

    “No, don’t touch that.” “No, that’s not for you.” “No, you shouldn’t eat paint chips.” OK, maybe that last one was just me, but you get the picture.

    We are told no so much more than we are ever told yes during the course of growing up, so why is it as adults that hearing the word no can be so devastating? Shouldn’t we be used to it by now?

    As a rookie salesmen every time I heard the word no I got discouraged and thought I must be doing something wrong. I would constantly beat myself up.

    “What am I doing wrong?” “What can I do different?”

    These were great questions to ask myself; however, it’s the answers I supplied myself that turned out to be misleading.

    I figured that if people were saying no, it was because the process was failing me. How wrong I was.

    With sales, as in many aspects of life, there is a process—a start and a finish. Whether it’s setting and achieving goals, getting dressed, or cooking dinner, everything has a process, whether we consciously think about it or not.

    Like a naïve cocky rookie, I decided to abandon the process and started to do things my own way. Much to my surprise, I now heard no twice as many times.

    I just could not understand what was going on, so I got even harder on myself. (more…)

  • How to Become More Assertive to Seize Opportunities

    How to Become More Assertive to Seize Opportunities

    “In the long run we get no more than we have been willing to risk giving.” ~Sheldon Kopp

    It was a foggy day in the city. We decided to go to the Science Academy in San Francisco—me and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known.

    We entered the aquarium. There was a blissful haze surrounding the room. There was a swirl of people going around. Yet, everything went into slow-motion. It was like there was an imaginary spotlight on her, and I gave her my full attention.

    I was mesmerized by her voice, eyes, and everything about her, really. Then suddenly there was a deep sensation in my brain that I had not felt for so many years. I was in love with her.

    As we continued to explore and talk, I had a few opportunities to share my feelings with her. And there were many opportunities when I could have kissed her. But I didn’t. I didn’t do either.

    Have you ever had the feeling you missed out on a life-changing moment? Have you ever had an experience when you knew you could have taken action but you didn’t?

    Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t do something to show her my true feelings.

    She lived far away from me, and a couple days later, she flew back home.

    I realized a long-term relationship would have been hard, but I simply wanted to share how I felt. I just didn’t have it in me to take action when the opportunity came.

    Over time, my disappointment dissipated because I got busy with my life. However, when I had time to think again, that scene kept playing over and over in my head. Then a wave of regret would strike me. I’d start over-analyzing and thinking, “What if?”

    I realized I didn’t want to have to think that again and that the key was learning to be more assertive. (more…)