Tag: receive

You Don’t Have to Be Strong All the Time

“Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is to ask for help.” ~Unknown

We live in a world that praises strength—especially quiet strength. The kind that shows up, gets things done, and rarely complains. The kind that’s resilient, dependable, productive. But what happens when the strong one quietly breaks inside?

“You are a superwoman!”

“You’re so reliable!”

“You’re the glue that holds everyone together.”

I wore those compliments like badges of honor. For years, I believed them. Not just believed them—I built my identity around them.

I’ve always been a multitasker. A jack of all trades. I managed work, home, relationships, and a hundred moving pieces in between. I cooked elaborate meals, remembered birthdays, bought thoughtful gifts, checked in on friends regularly, showed up for strangers when needed, pursued hobbies, supported others’ dreams, and pushed through physical pain or emotional fatigue without complaint.

I was the one people turned to. And if they didn’t turn to me, I turned to them. If someone was going through a hard time, I’d show up with soup, a handwritten card, or a call that stretched for hours. I’d intuit needs before they were spoken.

And when people said things like “Wow! How do you even manage all this?” or “You’re incredible,” my heart swelled with pride. It felt good to be seen. It felt powerful to be needed.

But over time, I began to realize something quietly tragic.

Underneath all that strength was someone tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep could fix—but the kind that comes from years of overriding your own needs for others. The kind that comes from confusing love with over-giving. The kind that sneaks up when you’ve worn the strong-one mask for so long, you don’t know who you are without it.

I didn’t see it as people-pleasing back then—I truly loved being helpful. I believed that if I could ease someone’s burden, why shouldn’t I? Isn’t that what love looks like? Isn’t that what kindness does?

But slowly, quietly, invisibly, it was taking a toll on me. My skin had withered, my hair had thinned, and I’d put on weight around my waist.

As I grew older, I began to feel the shift. The same enthusiasm that once lasted until midnight now faded by sunset. The fatigue wasn’t just physical—it was emotional, spiritual. My body wasn’t breaking down, but my soul was whispering, “You can’t keep carrying everything.”

And eventually, I listened.

Because something beautiful and painful hit me all at once:

Strength isn’t about holding it all together. Sometimes, real strength is in knowing when to let go.

It’s in saying, “I don’t want to be strong today.”

It’s in resting, without needing to earn it.

It’s in telling the truth when someone asks, “How are you?” and answering, “I’m actually not okay.”

It’s in giving yourself permission to be fully, messily, unapologetically human.

The world doesn’t tell us that. It tells us to hustle. To push. To keep going. That rest is a reward, not a right. That slowing down is weakness. That softness is fragility.

But now I know that softness is a kind of strength too. A brave kind. A kind that doesn’t scream or perform—it just is.

So, How Do You Begin Letting Go of the “Strong One” Role?

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up on your values. It means loosening the grip on the pressure to be everything to everyone. It means rewriting what strength means to you. Here’s how I began doing that:

1. Check in with yourself daily.

Ask: What do I need today?

Not what’s on my to-do list or who needs me, but what would make me feel centered right now?

Sometimes the answer is water. Sometimes it’s stillness. Sometimes it’s movement, or tears, or music. You won’t know unless you pause to ask. Even five minutes of silence—before bed, in the shower, or while sipping your tea—can reconnect you to yourself.

2. Learn to receive help.

You don’t have to carry everything alone. Let someone else cook the meal. Let someone else take the lead. If someone offers support, don’t reflexively say “I’m fine” or “I’ve got it.” Say thank you. Let them show up for you.

I remember one day telling a friend that I was exhausted and just not in the mood to cook. She offered to send over food, and I accepted it—with gratitude and relief.

Letting someone care for you like that doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human. Accepting help builds connection, allows others to show love, and often brings a quiet joy that’s just as nourishing as the support itself.

3. Let go of the applause.

Here’s the hard truth: validation feels amazing—but it can also be a trap. You start doing things not because you want to, but because others expect it from you. The cycle is addictive.

Ask yourself: Would I still do this if no one noticed or clapped?

If the answer is no, give yourself permission to step back. Choose joy over performance. Choose peace over praise.

4. Set soft boundaries.

You don’t need to explain or justify your “no.”

For years, I would justify mine, feeling the need to explain or defend it. Slowly, I began changing the narrative. Now, I gently and unapologetically say, “I’d love to help, but I don’t have the capacity right now.” “Can I get back to you on this?”“I need some time for myself this weekend.”

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away—they’re about protecting your inner landscape. The more you honor them, the more spacious, calm, and kind your life becomes.

5. Redefine what it means to be strong.

We’ve been taught that strength is about endurance, resilience, and never showing weakness. But real strength can also be quiet, tender, and human.

I remember one day, completely overwhelmed, a close friend came to check on me. When she asked how I was, I couldn’t hold it in—I just broke down. She didn’t try to fix anything; she simply held me, letting me pour out everything I’d been carrying. And in that moment, I felt lighter than I had in months.

Strength isn’t always in doing more. Sometimes it’s in being fully present with yourself, in your softness, in taking a pause, and in saying “not today” without guilt.

6. Prioritize rest like you would a deadline.

Rest isn’t laziness. It’s fuel. It’s sacred.

You don’t need to wait for burnout to rest. You don’t need to finish everything on your list to earn stillness. Schedule it. Guard it. Honor it.

Make rest a daily ritual—not a rare luxury. Your body, mind, and spirit will thank you.

Once I began prioritizing rest, I noticed a shift—not just in my energy, but in my clarity, mood, and ability to truly show up for myself and others. Life felt lighter, and I finally understood that honoring my body wasn’t selfish—it was necessary.

To Those Who’ve Always Been the Strong Ones

If you’ve always been the caregiver, the doer, the reliable one… I see you. I honor you.

But I want to remind you of something you may have forgotten:

You don’t need to prove your worth through over-functioning. You don’t need to sacrifice your well-being to be loved. You don’t have to keep showing up as the “strong one” when your heart is quietly asking for a break.

You were never meant to carry it all.

You can take the cape off now. You can exhale. You can cry. You can be soft. You can ask for help. You can choose rest. You can let someone hold space for you.

Because you’ve already done enough. Because you are enough. And because strength isn’t about how much you carry—it’s about knowing when to let go.

Let your new strength be rooted in gentleness. Let your softness lead. Let your heart exhale.

October 23, 2025
What Happened When I Let Go of My Big Plan
“Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti

Turning fifty felt like a milestone worth celebrating—a time to honor myself, reflect on my five decades of life, and embrace the journey ahead.

For someone who had never believed I was worth the fuss of a big celebration, choosing to honor myself in this way felt like a profound shift. I wanted this celebration to affirm that I am worth the effort and expense.

The way I envisioned this milestone? Hosting a retreat for women like me, who were born in 1975 and at a similar life stage. But what began as an exciting idea turned into a chance for surrender, growth, and unexpected self-discovery.

The Vision: A Retreat for Reflection, Celebration, and Pampering

The idea hit me all at once, clear and undeniable. Why not create a customized birthday retreat experience to mark the milestone? The retreat would be intimate, luxurious, and restorative—a space where women could reflect and celebrate together.

I spent weeks researching, contacting venues, and considering every detail meticulously:
- A stunning eco-conscious venue blending luxury with nature
- A top-rated plant-based chef to nourish us
- Thoughtfully designed activities that honor our individual and collective needs, including a group birthday celebration and opportunities for deep introspective work
The host venue I found was a gem, exceeding my list of must-haves, but it was meeting the owner of the venue that felt truly serendipitous.

From our first conversation, we shared a kindred energy that was both grounding and inspiring, and I knew I was meant to find her. Our connection felt like a sign—one that I wouldn’t fully understand until much later.

I joyfully secured the dates with a deposit, brimming with excitement to share this beautiful offering with others.

Every Project Has Its Challenges, Right?

Despite my enthusiasm, something didn’t feel quite right. The response from my friends and acquaintances was lukewarm. Cost and personal preferences were barriers for some, and others simply didn’t resonate with the idea.

From others, I received unsolicited advice that the retreat just wasn’t compelling. My ego bristled at their comments, interpreting them as doubts in my capability and vision.

Adding to this, I encountered bureaucratic issues and had to navigate compliance with the retreat regulating body in my province, bringing unexpected stress and layers of complexity I hadn’t anticipated. If this piece wasn’t sorted, the retreat would put me in the red beyond what made sense.

I believed in my vision, though, or at least, I believed in that strong feeling of alignment I had whenever I spoke with the retreat venue owner.

After perseverance and more hours of work, I was able to solve the compliance issue. I also revised the retreat to reduce the cost to attendees and broaden the audience to include women born in 1974 and 1976, editing all of the marketing materials and recosting everything.

After my modifications, I informally launched to my circle again, and this time… drum roll please… more crickets.

A Moment of Truth: To Let Go or Double Down?

I knew that the retreat would be magical for the right women, but I considered calling it off anyway. Anyone who’s marketed a retreat knows it’s no small feat. To make it happen, I’d need to pour in more time, energy, and finances—yet something in me just didn’t want to.

When I really tuned in, the idea of letting go and surrendering to the quiet message my heart was sending brought an unexpected sense of relief.

My ego whispered reasons to keep pushing forward: proving the doubters wrong, justifying the time and money I’d already invested, and showing myself I could make it work. But my heart’s quiet, persistent voice urged me to release it.

The Gift of Letting Go

After weeks of introspection, I made the decision to cancel the retreat. It wasn’t easy—old patterns of shame and fear of failure surfaced, and I had to really sit with them. But over time, I found peace with my choice.

Since I had planned so far ahead, I was able to redirect my deposit toward attending a retreat at the same venue—this time, for myself.

And THAT decision changed everything.

The retreat opened up a new path in my healing journey, guiding me toward a piece of the puzzle I’d been trying to figure out but hadn’t yet understood. The deep connection that I felt with the retreat host made sense in a new way. She was meant to be one of my guides, and I would be returning to retreat with her many more times in my future.

A Powerful Learning

My experience also highlighted an area of growth asking for my attention. In my professional life, giving of myself is at the heart of what I do. I continually work on myself to strengthen my capacity to hold space for others to do their work.

I love this calling deeply, and I receive so much in return for my giving—but I’ve realized that I still struggle outside of this context with receiving. That is, receiving without feeling the need to give something back. I also find it hard to surrender to others caring for me and holding space for me to be my messy, human self.

The truth is, my intention behind planning the retreat was misguided. I convinced myself I was finally allowing myself to deserve a celebration, but I still felt I had to earn it by planning something for others. Yes, I would enjoy it, but I would be receiving through giving—which is beautiful, but not the same.

By trusting my intuition and listening to the message from my heart—that I didn’t need to pursue this—I gave myself permission to let it go. And in doing so, I recognized a deep need to learn how to truly receive.

What better way to mark the transition into my fiftieth year than by learning this essential self-care skill?

My Takeaways from a Lesson in Letting Go

1. Find the value.

Letting go can feel like you’ve wasted your time, money, or energy when you don’t ‘achieve’ the outcome you set out to create, but if every experience carries value, then it’s not a waste. In my case, I gained impactful insights into the women I serve, learned how to navigate retreat regulations in my province, and met a pivotal person on my path to healing.

2. Trust your intuition.

Letting go of control created space for something unexpected: a profound healing experience and invaluable clarity and guidance that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. My decision to cancel wasn’t analytical—it was intuitive. But leaning into that inner voice led me to something far more meaningful than the original plan. I got what my heart knew I needed, not what my thinking self thought that I needed.

3. Honor the balance of giving and receiving.

Letting myself receive requires surrender. And while offering space for others to receive is deeply fulfilling, allowing myself to be cared for fills a far-reaching need I hadn’t fully acknowledged. As I enter this milestone year, I realize that true wholeness comes from honoring both sides of the equation.

Trusting my heart and letting go is an ongoing practice for me, as it is for many women who have been socialized in a ‘fixing’ and ‘doing’ culture such as what is typical of North America.

The gift of remembering to trust was a deeper understanding of what I truly need in my next phase. Sometimes, the most powerful way to meet our needs is to stop striving and simply allow ourselves to receive—both from others and from the wisdom of our own intuition.
March 7, 2025
If You’re Afraid to Ask for Help Because You Don’t Trust People

“Ask for help. Not because you are weak. But because you want to remain strong.” ~Les Brown

I sat in the doctor’s office, waiting—linen gown hanging off me, half exposed—while going through the checklist in my mind of what I needed help with. I felt my breathing go shallow as I mentally sorted through the aches and pains I couldn’t seem to control.

Fierce independence and learning to not rely on others are two of the side effects of my particular trauma wounds, stemming from early childhood neglect and abandonment. During times of heightened stress, my default state is one of significant distrust.

Letting people in and asking for help has never been my strong suit.

Not only did it prove painful at times, asking for help has also proven to be unsafe. I’ve been given poor and damaging advice from people I assumed knew more than me. I’ve emotionally attached to people who disappeared when I least expected it. I’ve been lied to, betrayed, and left behind when my help was no longer useful.

I’ve been injured both physically and emotionally when relying on others to care for me and have been let down more times than I can possibly recall.

I have plenty of reasons to convince myself that no one can help me. That I’m in this life all alone. Some days I feel just that.

Other days, I sit in my doctor’s office ready to make myself vulnerable one more time looking for support that I’ve been unable to give myself. Hoping, fingers crossed, that maybe this time I’ll be seen, heard, and cared for.

When the doctor walked in, I was writing a note on the depression screening form justifying why I feel sad some days. I know it’s normal to feel sad doing the work I do as a mental health therapist. Working with people’s sad can be sad. I wanted to be upfront.

And also, I’ve been focusing on healing the trauma in my body that injured my nervous system starting in infancy. Actively inviting my body to retrieve its pain to set it free and regulate my system to a state that is considered normal. Except I don’t know what normal feels like.

Her very first questions to me: “Are you getting back what you put into your work? Is it worth it?”

I blink, unsure if I heard her correctly.

“Are you asking me if the work I’m doing is more depleting than rewarding? Am I receiving as much as I’m giving?” I ask.

“Yes,” she responds assuredly.

I exhale.

She sees me. She actually sees me. I ask myself this very question every day.

This one question cracks me wide open. I know I can trust her.

I hear words pouring out of my mouth explaining the work I’ve been doing with myself. My intention to heal my nervous system and my body, how hard it’s been to feel all the emotional pain that’s come up and the subsequent physical pain that comes and goes to remind me just how deep all this stuff runs.

I shared with her my most recent discovery—my earliest known physical trauma at nine months old, when my mother gagged me to make me throw up to “protect” me.

When her behavior was discovered, she was admitted to a hospital for psychiatric services for over a month. My brother and I were placed in the care of anyone who was available to watch us.

At the most important time for healthy attachment and trust to form, I was taught that survival meant staying clear of those who are assigned to protect you. They can hurt you. And the world was not a safe place.

This was the first of many experiences in my life that would drill in the same belief. My body spent years trying to protect me by tensing up, shaking, or wanting to flee when I sensed any kind of danger—being trapped, pressured, controlled, or trusting authority figures was high on my list of subconscious nos.

To me, there was no logic to the way my body reacted to what seemed the smallest threat, so I shamed myself for it.

I couldn’t understand why driving on the highway put me in an instant state of hypervigilance. Why I would wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe. Why the bright lights and enormous amount of stimuli in the grocery store made me freeze the moment I walked in. Why perceived conflict made me want to curl up into myself or attack and bail.

All I knew was I was not “normal,” and I felt like I had no control over it.

I recall the first infomercial that serendipitously came across the screen during a sleepless night while I was traveling in my early twenties. At the time I always slept with the television on to drown out the noise of my thoughts in the silence of night. A woman talked about her struggle with anxiety and the way it internally took over her life. I immediately tuned in.

She was talking about me. She was talking about so many of us. I couldn’t believe someone understood what I desperately tried to hide and despised about myself.

It was the first of many books, programs, methodologies, and practices I would try. It was the first time I felt seen and sought help.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want help. I just didn’t trust it, nor was I comfortable with being vulnerable enough to ask for it. Particularly because I had proof that when I did rely on people, they could turn on me, or even worse, leave.

And then there was the cultural push to just “suck it up” or accept that “it is what it is.” Key words to encourage us to abandon ourselves.

Sucking it up is exhausting, and it doesn’t help. It doesn’t change what’s hard, and from what I can tell, years of sucking it up never made me stronger. Just more certain I was stuck in this mess of myself alone.

Even though I help people for a living, and fully understand that I am the help I encourage people to seek, I forgot that I, too, was able to ask for help.

This meant I had to have the courage to let my guard down. To let go of the feeling of burden I was afraid to put on another. To remember that every single one of us has our hardships, and we actually want to be needed and helpful to another when we have the space.

It’s why we are here as humans. To give love and receive it. When I give someone the opportunity to love or support me, it gives them the chance to feel the fullness of my gratitude. To receive love back from me in return and feel needed and wanted as well. It is also the most solid reminder for both of us that we are never actually alone.

We need each other.

It is a practice for me to remember this. It’s also a practice to remind myself that I have been cared for far more often than I’ve been hurt. That those who have harmed me or left me had their own burdens to bear that I was not meant to be a part of. And that every time I do ask for help, like in my doctor’s office, and receive it wholeheartedly, I am able to keep myself filled and balanced to be able to help the people I care about even more.

I exhaled when my doctor acknowledged me. I knew it was safe to let her in, yet I still swallowed tears while I did so. Her validation of my challenge felt comforting; her support, the extra oxygen I needed. Knowing the value of support has never made it easy for me to ask, but it has made it easier.

As humans we are regularly encouraged to give, yet it is equally important to learn to receive. We need both to keep ourselves balanced and in flow so we can be the love we want to feel. To give is a powerful feeling, while receiving can make us feel a little vulnerable. That’s okay. The more courage we use to ask for help, the more strength we have to give out in return.

If you are feeling resistance to seeking help, ask yourself where your fear lies. Is it a current concern or is it one from the past? Does vulnerability make you uneasy or bring up insecurities you have around being judged or feeling like a burden? Or do you feel it’s hard for you to let your guard down and trust another?

When resistance lingers, choose people who’ve been loyal and consistently supportive in the past. If you don’t have any relationships like that, or if involving your personal relationships feels too uncomfortable, consider professional support. There are affordable and even free resources available, if money is an issue.

The key is to remember that you, too, deserve a place to be you and invite in the help that everyone needs at times. To release your burdens so you can stand back up and move forward with more ease and a lighter load. So you have the strength to be a support for others and also for yourself.

When feeling weighed down, ask for help—whatever that looks or feels like for you. The past may have taught you what you don’t want, but you have the power to choose what you do want in the present. There are people out there who you can rely on and who want to be there for you. They are simply waiting for you to ask.

So go ahead and let someone in. No one needs to or is expected to navigate this wild life alone. Not even you.

April 27, 2022
How I Stopped Feeling Unworthy of Love (And Finally Learned to Receive It)

“I hope you find love, but more importantly, I hope you’re strong enough to walk away from what love isn’t.” ~Tiffany Tomiko

When I was in my early thirties, I briefly dated someone right after my divorce.

It was one of those fast and furious things that had no label and left me wondering if I made most of it up in my head.

It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. How many times had I ended up feeling rejected and abandoned? I was trying so hard to impress a partner, but no matter what I did, I only seemed to push them away.

Tearfully, I shared my pain with a spiritual advisor and psychic and asked for her guidance.

She suggested I consider the joy that might come out of pleasurable and easeful partnerships. She asked me, “Briana, why don’t you shift your energy and focus to that aim?”

But it wasn’t so easy. I was attached and hung up on this guy. Why didn’t he love me like I loved him?

Another thought popped into my head, which I hadn’t realized was there before.

Before I could voice it out loud, she said, “Oooohhhh, Briana. I can hear you already. You think if you’re not in pain, then your art and other creative works won’t be any good.”

I burst out into another round of sobs.

Because it was true. I did think that way.

I thought I performed at my best when I was at my most miserable, and if you took away my misery, I would not only be common, but worse yet… mediocre. I would truly be the bad artist I always thought I was.

Every aspect of creative expression would become cliched, trite, and uninteresting. There wouldn’t be anything special about me.

And so I would become unlovable.

The drama proved my worth, one way or the other; the drama of performing well enough to earn love.

It wasn’t until four years after that conversation that I finally stopped clinging to my pain.

Because I realized that pain didn’t make something (love) more authentic—it just made it more difficult.

Maybe you know where I’m coming from. Maybe you feel that you, too, need to “chase” a relationship and suffer for it to really matter. For you to really matter.

That’s just not true. There is a far better way to build relationships, and that’s what I would previously have called “boring” and “too easy,” but actually is about respecting your own, authentic self and opening up to love.

Here’s what I’ve learned about letting go of feeling unworthy of love and finally learning how to receive it.

1. Take off your mask.

Like me, you might believe that to attract a lover and be worthy of love, you have to pretend to be a perfect partner, through things like making them feel wanted and desired, looking beautiful, and being funny, witty, smart, and interesting all the time.

All of these tactics might very well appeal to a potential partner. Certainly, it might make them interested enough to get to know you better, and maybe even date you for a while.

But none of that means it will soften their heart and make them fall into a soul-shaking relationship with you.

In fact, while I used to think that I needed to pretend that I was something I wasn’t so that I’d be worthy of love, I just kept deterring the other person.

Why?

Because while the glitz and glamour are appealing, it also, on a deeper level, left me completely unavailable.

In the same way, you are pushing away a partner by performing all the time.

You see, your partner is going to feel as if they have to perform just as well, and while that may be exciting in the beginning, unless the mask comes off, it also gets exhausting very quickly.

A loving partner will be less concerned about how many degrees you hold or how much you make at your job and more concerned that you’re passionate about what you’re doing.

A loving partner doesn’t care how many facts you can recite. They may enjoy your company if you’re a great conversationalist, but that won’t necessarily make them feel something for you.

The way to a partner’s heart is to make them feel safe enough to explore and experience their own authentic self.

You do that by feeling safe enough to express yourself—without someone else’s permission.

Because if you don’t communicate that you’re comfortable in your own skin, this partner won’t feel comfortable or safe opening up to you, either.

And if a person can’t open up to you, warts and all, they can’t fall in love with you. It’s as simple as that.

When you put on a performance instead of taking off your mask, you unconsciously communicate a fantasy of reality, because that feels safer than vulnerability. And then you energetically and non-verbally tell your partner that you can’t handle their vulnerability, either.

And isn’t it freeing? You, in all your vulnerability, are the person they want and need in order to be their own, true self.

2. Get in touch with your own feelings.

What many of us do when we feel unworthy of love is numb our emotions and pretend we feel something other than we actually do.

But a loving partner wants to know you’re angry when you’re angry and why you’re angry.

Guess what happens if you’re acting one way, while feeling something else? That’s right, drama.

If they think you’re angry, but they are not sure, because you’re trying hard to plaster a smile on your face, say, “I’m fine,” and stuff it down, you’re not really fooling anyone, just confusing them.

Your energy and your verbal expressions are going to contradict one another, and that is the seed of dramatic conflict.

And this type of drama is so annoying because you are effectively keeping a partner at bay, and refusing to connect with them, for fear that they wouldn’t like the “real” you.

But because they can’t access “the real” you, there’s no real glue holding them there, and they wind up leaving you anyway.

So show them what you feel, while letting go of the fear that they will reject you for doing so. By reconnecting with your emotions, you show up as your authentic self and make it safe for them to love you.

3. Be open to meeting someone with the same level of consciousness.

Around the end of August last year, I started dating someone. He wasn’t originally what I would have imagined for myself, but he turned out to be exactly what I need.

Right from the get-go, things went really well; we talked for hours on end, and I felt an instant connection.

There were butterflies, yes, but not the kind of gut-twisting, obsessive sensations I have had in the past, which usually means I should run.

This was more like, “Ah, you fit nicely… and kinda feel like home. What took you so long?”

He shows up with fresh flowers, texts me “good morning,” and sees the humor in situations like that time my cat got jealous and bit him when he tried to kiss me.

While before, I would have instantly dismissed this type of relationship as being too easy (and the lack of drama would have shown me that it wasn’t real love), I now see it for what it is:

A relationship in which partners join together from a place of inspiration, as opposed to a fear-based need to be filled up with the other.

This is a partner who already has a higher level of consciousness and is looking for purposeful building. There’s no drama, there’s no chasing, and there are no games or acts.

This is the key to feeling worthy of and receiving love—finding a partner who is open to the same. The criterion for attracting such a partner, however, is that you are ready to meet them.

I wasn’t ready four years ago. It took me that long to go from believing that relationships had to be a rollercoaster of emotions to opening up to a loving partnership.

Ultimately, it’s about you finding your authentic self and realizing that this version of you (the real version) is so worthy of love and should be loved. That’s the premise for a relationship that, instead of being soul-sucking and anxiety-ridden, is the perfect space for self-growth and joy.

May 27, 2021
When Helping Someone Becomes Unhealthy: Why You Can’t Always Say Yes

“When you ask for what you need and receive what people and the world have to give, you reduce stress and gain energy.” ~Amanda Owen

It started out innocently enough. The guy I was dating (let’s call him Eric) was applying to jobs, and I, a writer, could help him with cover letters and applications. I offered to help and thought nothing of it. It seemed like a simple thing to do for someone I cared about.

A few weeks later, Eric had some car trouble and I lent him my car. He drove it around for a week and returned it with less than a quarter tank of gas. Not really awesome of him, but not worth getting angry over. After all, he just had to pay for car repairs and I knew that money was tight for him.

Then one night, Eric and I had plans to hang out. I texted him when I was leaving my house to say he could expect me in twenty minutes.

He replied asking if I could bring two rolls of paper towels with me. Kind of a weird request, but okay…I obliged. When I got to Eric’s apartment and asked why he had me bring paper towels, he shrugged and said that he had run out.

At this point in the story it is probably worth mentioning that Eric lived across the street from a convenience store, where they sell (wait for it…) paper towels.

I wish I could say I ended things there, but this pattern continued until Eric had moved into my house, taken over two spare rooms, parked himself permanently in front of the TV playing video games, and relied on me to cook, clean, and buy all food and supplies for the household.

Eric kept saying he’d pay rent, but never seemed to have the funds, and I knew he made less money than I did so I didn’t press the issue.

He rarely paid when we went out for dinner or drinks; I usually picked up the tab for both of us because I just wanted to get out of the house. I was frustrated, but trying to be supportive and “help” someone through a hard time.

Then after a year and a half I finally started to see (and feel) how damaging this relationship dynamic was.

Eric not only mooched off of me for material things, but he was also draining all of my emotional energy. I’m not sure he was even aware of what he was doing. He was just so bad at managing his own life, coping with hardships, and being an adult that my earnest effort to help him positioned me as his crutch.

This situation is not uncommon; I think we all sincerely want to help when our loved ones are struggling. But there has to be a limit. You simply can’t get caught up in giving so much that your own need for support and caring is squeezed out of the relationship entirely.

The lessons I learned from my experience with Eric can be summed up in four ways:

1. Don’t brush off the “little” things.

It’s easy to make excuses for someone, especially if they’re charming and you genuinely care about them. But be aware of how much laxity you’re granting.

Small things you may be tempted to ignore for the sake of being nice or keeping the peace do have a cumulative effect. If you’re constantly talking yourself into feeling better about someone’s behaviors, it’s time to speak up.

2. Set boundaries and hold the other person accountable.

Just because you can help in a situation doesn’t mean you have to. When you let someone take advantage of your kindness or generosity, you’re setting a dangerous precedent. When someone goes too far in asking something of you, tell them how their request makes you feel and explain why you are choosing not to grant it.

3. Ask for stuff.

Don’t forget that it is important for the other person to understand and respond to your needs, too. If asking for what you want is difficult, start small. Ask them to change the radio station if you don’t like the song, or ask them to hold your hand in public if you need more affection.

Practicing with low-stakes requests will help build confidence for when you need to ask someone to meet your larger needs and desires.

4. Check in with yourself often.

Avoid the pitfall of making the other person the star of the relationship while you play supporting cast. Make a habit of taking time for yourself, reflecting on how the relationship makes you feel, and noting areas of imbalance you need to address. If being with someone is draining you financially or emotionally, it’s time to make changes.

Being in the constant role of caregiver is not just a disservice to you, but a detriment to the relationship itself.

When two people are not on equal footing there’s no room for a real connection to flourish. It’s always a wonderful thing to show kindness and support to a loved one—just be sure to keep a portion of yourself that’s just for you.

Help vector illustration via Shutterstock

August 25, 2015
Let Yourself Receive: You Don’t Have to Put Yourself Last

“Once you get used to people giving to you as much as you give to them and receive all of the benefits of a less stressful life, you will not consider putting yourself last.” ~Amanda Owen

Recently a good friend of mine helped me with a workshop project. She formulated spreadsheets, answered multiple emails and questions, provided feedback to my group, and then participated in the actual event by doing a demonstration.

“I’m not going to cash your check,” she told me the following week, after receiving my offering for the work she did. “I just want to give this to you as a gift. You are my friend; I don’t want to get paid.”

This made me mad.

Well, not really mad, because this is my BFF we’re talking about. But it bothered me that she couldn’t receive and didn’t understand the gift she could give me by doing this simple thing.

The act of receiving with gratitude allows the giver to feel joy. Giving and receiving is a two-way exchange of energy that can nourish both parties, as long as the receiver can receive.

Our conversation lasted longer than I wanted it to.

“I get what you are saying,” she replied, and then I had to hear the word that made me know she didn’t get what I was saying: “but.” “But I really want to help you because you are my friend. I didn’t really do that much.” We continued in a circular argument.

“I need you to think about this differently,” I added, trying to rephrase my point, but it wasn’t going well.

Then I realized I was doing the same thing I was criticizing her for. How could I ask her to receive if I couldn’t receive the gift she was giving me by helping me out for free?

I love her for not wanting to be paid, for doing this for me out of the goodness of her heart, and she has a big one. I see the big gift she is trying to give me. I’m not ungrateful. I am a little stubborn though.

I wanted her to understand one of the basic laws of the universe—that you deny a person the basic joy of giving if you do not receive. But by not receiving her gift I was not being the best teacher. My resistance was stopping up the flow of abundance, and I was denying her joy.

I imagined that she was stopping up the flow by being unable to receive my check. So instead of feeling immense joy and excitement over being able to pay her, I felt dejected, which I know wasn’t her intent. Her intent was quite the opposite.

It’s all about connection, flow, and a dynamic exchange of energy.

When I give (energy, time, money, love, kindness) and someone receives it openly and gratefully, there’s now an open, flowing channel for more energy, time, money, love, and kindness to flow to me. My heart (and abundance) is in your receiving hands.

Understanding this means that I should have gladly accepted her gift of help. Instead, I was stuck in the need to be right and I couldn’t practice the lesson I was trying to teach!

Flow can be stopped up by only being a giver or only being a receiver. We need to practice an active balance of both.

We all know those who admittedly call themselves “givers.” I’m one of them. I picked a caregiving field as a career. I was brought up to believe that it is better to give than to receive. Over the years, I’ve seen people who give for a living burn out or get sick. I know there is a better way.

I was also brought up to be mindful of the needs of others. The hidden addition to that line is “before myself.”

No parent wants to teach their kid to be selfish, so we teach them to put everyone else first. How do we teach our children to be both good givers and good receivers? To be mindful of their own needs and those they love equally?

We must model to our children a life that fills us up. A life that is nourishing to our minds, bodies, and souls will create an overflow from which to give.

Wouldn’t it be nice to give freely from an overflow of energy, time, money, love, and kindness rather than try to give from our reserves and end up burning out? It’s not just nice, it’s spectacular! This kind of giving feels effortless, but it has to come from a fully nourished you.

We can do this by receiving and nurturing ourselves first. Here are a few ways I have learned to receive and create this kind of overflow:

Rest when tired.

I know that if I am exhausted, nobody will benefit. I take opportunities to get extra sleep when I can instead of grabbing the second or third Starbucks that day. I listen to my body and relax when it gives me signs of pain or fatigue.

Pushing through pain or fatigue only depletes you further and increases the risk of illness or injury.

Say no more often to allow time for rest and rejuvenation.

It’s hard to say no if you are a giver. But saying yes to everything will burn you out fast. I have learned to prioritize my life in a way that helps me only say yes when I really mean it so I can give from a place of excess.

Ask for and accept help when necessary.

I have learned that asking for help is crucial, and have gotten better and better at asking for and receiving it. You won’t get extra brownie points for doing it all alone. You will just burn out.

Get still. A lot.

Carving out time in my day for stillness, quiet, meditation, or breathing is so important to replenish my energy. I no longer value going from sunrise to sundown without a break. I realize that the more I am able to take this kind of time for myself, the more I am able accomplish during my “doing” times.

I have learned to recognize and separate myself from the voice that tells me I’m not worthy of receiving. I can also recognize guilt as an old, conditioned way of feeling.

Once you understand the amazing flow that is created when there is an equal exchange of giving and receiving, you will look at each moment as an opportunity to do things a little differently.

When you are filled up, fiercely alive, and overflowing with energy and enthusiasm, you can give from the stuff that is spilling over.

How can you give the gift of receiving? By receiving, you not only nourish yourself, you nourish and empower the giver. The real flow of giving and receiving can heal the world!

Girl giving boy a flower image via Shutterstock

May 26, 2015
We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

“We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving…Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” ~Alexander McCall Smith

We all know the importance of giving. In fact, it feels rather nice to give to others; we have all experienced that warm glow in the stomach when we do something thoughtful for another person or exchange kind words. To make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.

But sometimes, do we get so caught up in the giving that we forget to receive? And in doing so, do we give too much?

I have always been a people pleaser.

My parents were divorced when I was five years old. It was a complicated situation, one that I didn’t fully understand as a child.

My sister and I grew up with our grandparents, having contact with our dad during holidays, while the contact with our mum dwindled down to nothing.

I hadn’t realized until recently that my five-year-old self felt completely abandoned by my parents. We never talked about the situation as a family; feelings were not something you shared, so they stayed bottled up.

I grew up with the belief, deep down, that my parents left me because I wasn’t good enough.

As a consequence, I tried my best to be as agreeable as I could to everyone around me. This meant having no opinion, going along with what others wanted all the time, not communicating my needs, and trying my best not to upset anyone.

Then maybe, I would be good enough to love. This was pretty exhausting.

I developed OCD for a period of time, frequently staying in the bathroom for hours, performing hand-washing rituals until my hands were raw and brushing my teeth until my gums bled.

If I performed these rituals, bad things wouldn’t happen anymore. My granddad, who developed terminal cancer, eventually gave up his battle to the disease after a long period of suffering, and the rituals stopped.

Instead, I sunk further into depression.

As a result of my negative thinking patterns and my deeply held beliefs, I fell into a series of damaging relationships.

Just wanting to be loved, by them, by anyone, I desperately tried to make things work with guys who were either not right for me or, more often than not, emotionally unavailable. I was replicating the relationships that I had known from my childhood.

Relationships are equal give and take, not the constant giving that I had developed in the hope of making people love me back. Instead, ironically, this pushed people away.

The thing was, I was desperately looking for love, when deep down, I didn’t like let alone love myself. Secretly, I believed I didn’t deserve to be loved. I wasn’t good enough for anyone; what could I offer to anyone?

I would sleep with men early on in the relationship, figuring that giving my body was the only thing of worth that I could offer.

It all came to a head when yet another relationship failed. Each time, the other person ended the relationship, which dealt a blow to my already fragile sense of self-esteem.

I’d slide into depressive episodes with scary frequency, when I would cry constantly, finding it a mammoth task to even just get out of bed, having no interest in life and isolating myself from people.

Then one day, I had serious thoughts of ending my life. It was then that I knew it was time to change.

Reaching out and receiving the help I needed was the best decision of my life. I spoke to my GP who referred me on to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy counsellor.

This time, I was completely honest about what I was feeling; I told them about the suicidal thoughts, about not wanting to be here anymore so I wouldn’t feel the constant pain.

It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was able to tell them everything. I have had counselling before, but it hadn’t been right for me. Like most things, you need to keep trying until you find what speaks to you.

CBT, which challenges negative thoughts, helped me to realize that I was automatically thinking negatively. It showed me that my thoughts were not fact. I started to understand about my deeply held beliefs, which colored everything I thought.

Above all, it showed me that I actually had needs and wants; there were things that I wanted to do with my time and not just go along passively with other peoples’ decisions.

In giving all my time and attention to others and not taking the time to receive back from them, I was hiding from the fact that I didn’t feel I was worth other peoples’ efforts.

I was hiding from myself that I had deep-rooted issues that needed to be dealt with—and that I needed people to help me to do this.

There are a few things that I have learned through therapy:

1. Show yourself that you are worth caring for by starting to care for yourself.

A tendency of people pleasers is to give relentlessly without a thought for themselves. Take time for yourself, pamper yourself—do something kind for yourself each day.

2. Allow others to help you when it is needed, and don’t be scared to reach out.

You can start with small things, like asking a friend to pick up a parcel for you when they are passing the shop.

3. Surround yourself with people who help make you feel good about yourself.

I’m so lucky to have an incredibly supportive and loving sister who listens to me and helps when times are tough as well as good. Spend as much time as possible with people who reinforce your self-worth, not bring it down.

4. Say “no” occasionally.

It’s important to assess what your needs and wants are and communicate these with people. Saying “no” sometimes does not make you selfish; it means you are taking care of yourself, and you will attract more respect from others as a result.

5. Keep a positive journal.

Note anything that happens that makes you feel good—positive feedback from a boss, a kind word from your friend, a compliment from a stranger—and remember to accept these, not dismiss them.

6. Think about what you want from life.

Think about what makes you tick and therefore a more contented person, able to receive from others.

I’ve discovered my passion for photography, which has built up my confidence and therefore lessened my need to please people all the time.

7. Don’t be scared to have an opinion.

Occasionally, we really don’t mind either way. But if you do genuinely have an opinion on something, don’t be scared to speak up. People want to know the real you, not someone you think they want.

—

I am working through this journey of self-discovery, and no doubt, always will be.

I am learning to accept the good things that people do for me and the kind words they say. I’ve realized that you don’t have to be perfect for people to love you. You don’t have to constantly give for people to want to spend time with you.

I am enough.

For the first time in my life, I’m devoting the time and attention I normally would reserve solely for other people to myself. You don’t want to forget about others, but you also don’t want to forget about yourself.

In doing so, I’m building up my sense of self-worth and becoming more able to accept love from others. And just maybe, I’m also letting that other person feel a warm glow in their stomach too.

Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock

January 22, 2015
How to Receive Gratefully Instead of Rejecting Kindness

“Giving is virtuous, but so is accepting gifts gratefully.” ~Doe Zantamata

I’ve learned that how well you receive determines how happy you are.

When I was committed to loving myself more, I started to be more aware of how I treated myself. What opened up for me was that I did not know how to receive.

That was one of the things I had to learn in order to really care for myself.

Receiving Capabilities Jammed

There were times when I would squirm and be all awkward when I was given extra attention.

There would be times when I’d feel indebted when I received a big gift or if someone did me a huge favor.

I’d think, “You didn’t have to” or “This is too much” or “I feel bad that you got me this.”

Then, there were times when I’d feel like I was imposing when a person offered to do something for me, even though they were the ones who offered.

I remember when I was younger, maybe around fifteen. I went to my friend’s house to play cards. Around dinnertime, my friend’s mom invited me over for dinner. I politely turned her down, telling her I’d be going home soon anyway.

She insisted, and I insisted on refusing to accept the invitation. I appreciated her offer, but I didn’t want to impose, so I felt it was more polite to decline.

Later that night, my friend said her mom thought it was strange of me to keep turning her down. I was shocked and hurt. I didn’t accept the invitation because I didn’t want to hassle her in having to prepare for an additional dinner plate. I had no intention of offending her.

That memory stayed with me. It is only until recently that I truly understood what happened.

I denied her the chance to give. I also robbed both of us the chance to connect. I was so focused on not wanting to impose that I forgot to appreciate and just be grateful for her offer.

What Happens When Our Receiving Capacity Is Jammed

1. We cannot be emotionally healthy if we cannot accept blessings.

When we keep refusing to receive, it will leave us empty and even resentful.

2. It can be harmful to relationships.

This happens because we will not be able to recognize the complete kindness the other person has to offer.

I had a best friend before who was extremely good to me. But because my receiving capability was out of order, I couldn’t recognize all of her efforts.

She would build me up, point out my strengths. Her intention was to help me gain more confidence in myself. But because my own receiving capability was jammed, I couldn’t recognize what she was doing. And the insecure part of me even thought she just pitied me.

3. We rob the givers’ chance to experience the joy of giving.

All of us have an innate desire to make people happy, especially the people we love. By refusing to accept others’ offer, we deny them the chance to do something good for us.

4. We may become resentful.

When we keep giving and we don’t receive, we become depleted and we run the risk of being resentful towards others.

It isn’t fair to the other person especially if they wanted to give, but you refused to accept it.

Why Receiving Is Difficult (and How to Make It Easier)

1. Check what kind of judgment you have when you give.

When you give, do you expect something in return? Do you give only to the needy?

There was this test I read before. You place money on the ground, in a public place, like a park or a mall. And you hide. Then you observe your mind as you wait for someone to find the bill. You may find yourself hoping that a poor person gets it, or a kid. You may find yourself getting mad should a rich man or a drug addict pick it up.

Those are the judgments that you have when giving. And those are the very same judgments you project onto your giver when you are the recipient.

I did the test, and what went through my head was the poor should get it. The “deserving” should get the money. Or the one who “needs” it should get the money.

So when people give to me, I have a hard time accepting since I don’t “need” it or that it should go to a person who needs it more.

There will be times where I refuse it because subconsciously I didn’t want to be perceived as needy or weak.

When you let go of your judgments while giving to other people, you’ll release yourself from projecting that judgment onto the giver and you find yourself receiving more gracefully.

2. You constantly feel like you’re imposing.

You automatically think you’re a burden or others would be hassled when they do something for you.

It’s not true, though. More often than not, people want to make you happy.

3. You feel indebted all the time.

You feel like you owe the person something when you accept something from them. You feel obligated to repay them.

Being grateful and giving back is much healthier.

4. You assume they were just being nice.

You constantly doubt if they meant it because you have a story running in your head that they were just being nice.

But what I learned was, more often than that, people are really sincere. And no one is really obligated to do anything unless they really wanted to.

5. You think they have ulterior motives.

You think when a person does something extra nice to you; it’s probably because they want something in return.

6. You feel like you’re not deserving.

It isn’t humility. It’s actually denial.

The goal is to let go of any kind of judgment when you give so you free yourself from any projected judgments that are keeping you from receiving.

What really helped me was to focus on the intention and love of the giver that motivated that gift, offer, or that sincere compliment. Believing them, accepting it, and saying thank you. Being grateful for what you have received makes the giver happy because it says you appreciate the time and effort that person has given you.

We should always be focused on giving but we should also learn to accept blessings gratefully.

Once the door to receiving is open, imagine how many gifts are waiting for us.

Photo by David Robert Bilwas

March 19, 2014
You Are Worthy of Receiving: 10 Things to Let into Your Life

“Happiness is really a deep inner satisfaction and approval” ~Francis Wiltshire

At the start of the year many of us make resolutions about what we want to give up, what we need to let go—from quitting smoking (did that 20+ years ago), to cutting back on alcohol (a work in progress), to cutting back on not-so-healthy foods (also in progress), to letting go of past “demons.”

There’s a lot to be gained by letting go of past pain, by breaking bad habits. But what if we thought more in terms of what we might welcome into our lives—what we might be open to receiving?

Even diet companies cash in on this positive psychology. Don’t talk of losing weight, but gaining health; think of eating a delicious salad rather than sacrificing that block of chocolate.

But how often do we convince ourselves that we must do all the hard work of letting go and giving up before we are worthy to receive?

I’ve always been better at giving than receiving, so when it comes to letting go and letting in, I’ve focused on what I needed to give up, to let go, the work I needed to do in order to be better.

I’ve put the pressure on myself to self-heal rather than asking for help. I haven’t always been open to receiving compassion and love, since I wasn’t sure I deserved them.

And conversely, I’ve given more and more of myself in the hopes I might thus be worthy of receiving, which is not genuine giving anyway.

I did this especially when I was going through infertility, but I still find myself doing it now—making deals with myself to let go of fear, pain, and jealousy and to give more love, understanding, effort, and then surely I’ll be deserving of what I want.

The letting go proves you are strong and the giving proves you are good—don’t they? (more…)

February 27, 2013
How to Feel More Loved: 9 Tips for Deep Connection

“It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.” ~John Bulwer

If there’s one thing we all want, it’s to feel loved.

We want to feel deeply connected to other people, fully seen and appreciated by them, and secure in those relationships.

We can have a million and one acquaintances online, but if none of our connections feel intimate and meaningful, we will ultimately feel alone.

There’s actually some interesting research that shows we tend to value physical possessions less when we feel loved and accepted by others, because relationships can provide a sense of comfort, insurance, and protection. They truly are the most valuable things in our lives.

I remember when I completed my last promotional tour. It’s something I used to do for work—travel around the country promoting products at sporting events, concerts, and retail locations. I chose this career partly because it seemed adventurous, and partly because it allowed me to distract myself with constant change and motion.

Although there were more than twenty people on the tour, I frequently stayed in separate hotels because my responsibility was to care for the tour dog, and the group often stayed in places that didn’t allow pets.

I’d just decided to leave NYC shortly before this job, after slowly climbing out of years of self-loathing, depression, and isolation. I wanted nothing more than to make real friendships, but I simply didn’t know how.

I saw it happening all around me. I saw women forming bonds that I knew would last for years, while I frequently felt awkward and insecure. I saw romantic relationships blossoming, while I had a superficial fling with someone I hardly knew, who hardly knew me back.

Though I was trying to open up to people and create space for them to open up as well, I still felt alone, love-deprived, and terrified that these feelings would endure. As a consequence, I frequently sabotaged myself and potential connections. (more…)

May 20, 2012