Tiny Buddha

Tag: qualities

  • How to Reclaim Your Inner Gold

    How to Reclaim Your Inner Gold

    “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~Joseph Campbell

    “Our deepest calling is to grow into our own authentic self-hood, whether or not it conforms to some image of who we ought to be. As we do so, we will not only find the joy that every human being seeks—we will also find our path of authentic service in the world.” ~Parker Palmer

    When I was young, I was creative, independent, and assertive. My days were spent climbing trees, building forts, and catching water striders in creek beds.

    My best friend Rita and I were raised by strong feminist women (also best friends)—who laughed loudly, smoked cigarettes, and rolled their eyes at waiters who dared to call them “ladies.” We roamed our neighborhood unsupervised, stood our ground alongside our older brothers, and marched with our moms for equal rights and pro-choice. Life felt boundless and alive.

    But midway through fourth grade, my family moved to a more conservative, upper-class town, and suddenly, I felt out of place. Gender roles were more traditional, the people preppy, their houses spotless, and I—with my dirty nails, shabby clothes, and tomboy energy—didn’t fit in.

    I began to feel awkward, gruff, and insecure in this new environment. I realized that my directness and assertiveness were seen as “unfeminine,” and my expressiveness made me “stick out.” So, I tried to suppress those parts of myself.

    I started trying to be less opinionated, more agreeable, and quieter. I even tried to dress the part, though my limited clothing budget betrayed me—it’s hard to pull off “preppy” when your wardrobe is from Dress Barn. Despite my efforts to fit in, something within me pushed back—and that resistance eventually grew into rebellion.

    By middle school, it took the form of an eating disorder—a self-destructive attempt to gain some sense of control. By high school, my rebellion had evolved into a party-girl persona, seeking validation and freedom in ways far removed from the carefree, confident child I once was—even though my behavior may have appeared carefree and confident on the surface.

    Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, once said, “Never give them the power to make you submit or rebel.”

    Both submission and rebellion are reactions to external expectations, not authentic expressions of who we truly are. In either case, we allow our conditioning to shape our behavior, dimming our true light. I refused to submit, but my rebellion took its toll, causing me to lose touch with the vibrant and authentic parts of myself.

    I’ve been on a long road of healing, gradually reclaiming the qualities I once rejected and learning to see them as strengths. So, I was surprised recently when a good friend described me as “direct,” and a wave of shame washed over me. Though he intended it as a compliment, that simple moment reminded me of how deeply I had internalized the belief that my directness was “bad.” It brought me back to the years I spent silencing parts of myself that once felt so natural.

    This experience made me reflect on how, as we grow, so many of us lose touch with our unique gifts—those innately radiant qualities that make us who we are. We unconsciously resist embodying these traits, hiding our power to fit in, avoid judgment, and protect ourselves from rejection.

    Jungian scholars often call our hidden positive qualities—our untapped potential, creativity, and strengths—the “Golden Shadow.” While many associate the “shadow self” with darker impulses, the shadow encompasses all parts of ourselves that we’ve repressed or rejected, including our inner gold.

    As children, we absorb countless messages from family, society, and peers about what is acceptable and what is not. Over time, we internalize these messages and suppress the aspects of ourselves that we perceive as undesirable.

    Being direct, assertive, and expressive didn’t align with the ideal feminine image I thought I was supposed to embody. Even as I adopted a more rebellious persona—one that supposedly didn’t care—I still felt deep shame about these qualities and continued to reject them.

    But the positive traits we disown are often the very ones that, when reclaimed, lead to greater agency, wholeness, and connection. Interestingly, we tend to resist these traits more than the ones we view as negative because stepping into our power and potential demands a new level of responsibility—and that can feel intimidating.

    In my journey, I’ve learned that embracing qualities like directness and assertiveness has made me feel more empowered and impactful. I now have greater clarity, am more authentic, and can better support others. But it took years to overcome the resistance and shame these qualities once elicited.

    Embracing our radiant qualities requires stepping into the fullness of who we are, even when it feels uncomfortable. It’s through becoming comfortable with this discomfort that we unlock and express these hidden aspects of ourselves. It all begins with the willingness to look within, acknowledging the qualities we’ve disavowed or projected onto others.

    Here are a few exercises to help:

    Look at What You Admire in Others

    The traits we admire in others often reflect those we most wish we could embody. The next time you feel awe or envy toward someone, ask yourself: What about them draws you in? Are they confident, creative, compassionate, or direct? These qualities are likely part of your Golden Shadow, waiting for you to reclaim them.

    Ask the People Around You

    Reach out to friends and family and ask them what they see as your strengths. Pay attention to the traits they recognize in you that you may not. Sometimes, we need others to reflect our brilliance because we’ve learned to hide it so well.

    Reclaim Through Reflection

    Take moments throughout your day to notice when you feel especially capable or proud of something you’ve accomplished. What strengths were you embodying in those moments? Was it creativity, assertiveness, or perhaps empathy?

    Visualization and Integration

    Once you’ve identified these qualities, bringing them into conscious awareness, you can begin integrating them through visualization. Imagine yourself fully embodying the qualities you’ve rediscovered in your Golden Shadow.

    Notice what emotions come up—embarrassment, fear, self-doubt—and allow them to be present. Welcome those feelings and let them know you are ready to embody these new traits, no longer held back by shame.

    You can also practice a future-self visualization: Picture yourself living out your potential, embracing these golden qualities. Visualizing in vivid detail helps anchor these traits in your mind and prepares you to step into them in real life.

    Take Action

    Start small. Identify one quality from your Golden Shadow that you most want to bring into your life. Take a small step each day toward expressing this quality. For example, to reclaim your directness, practice being straightforward and honest in your communication, even in small interactions. Gradually, it will feel more natural.

    The journey to reclaim our inner gold is one of self-discovery and integration. What parts of yourself have you hidden away? What positive qualities are you ready to embrace, even if it feels uncomfortable? The world is waiting for you to shine in your fullest, most authentic expression.

  • How to Help Yourself by Owning Your “Bad” Qualities

    How to Help Yourself by Owning Your “Bad” Qualities

    Good and Bad Scale

    “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~William Shakespeare

    Like many women, I feared my own voice.

    I feared what would happen if I acknowledged my feelings and I feared what would happen if I expressed them.

    Above all, I feared that people would leave me if I ever communicated as my true self.

    In my family and culture, feelings are things that are best when denied. I was taught they are a liability that, if embraced, would lead to fights, pain, and loneliness. I was encouraged to ignore, avoid, and push them down into the recesses of my mind.

    Not surprisingly, by thirteen I developed severe depression, resulting in poor coping mechanisms, a reliance on medication, and a suicide attempt.

    The need to express myself was natural and necessary, but my belief that it was wrong prevented me from ever owning my voice. Instead, I communicated in unhealthy ways:

    • I had angry outbursts.
    • I played the martyr.

    And while I tried to suppress and control this side of me, it came out in waves of anger and hurt. Through decades of transformation, I now understand that many of my behaviors were based on my belief that things are either all good or all bad.

    So how did I unlearn this belief and learn to express my true voice?

    By learning how I played the game of black and white.

    When we’re young, we’re taught that certain aspects of our personality are bad or wrong, while others are good and useful. And like most things we learned as kids, we need to unlearn them.

    In order to fit in, feel loved, and gain acceptance we disown the “bad” qualities we believe we have and try to express ones that are seen as “good.”

    This polarized thinking forces us to see the world in terms of black and white, right and wrong, or good and evil. And in this game of black and white, the only rule is that white must always win.

    Unfortunately, the world isn’t that simple. Most things exist on a frustrating spectrum of grey.

    Fortunately, we can learn to re-own these repressed qualities and transform them into qualities that benefit us and others.

    For example:

    • Owning our anger can lead to self-love, if this enables us to set boundaries to take better care of ourselves.
    • Owning our self-expression can lead to genuine connection, if this enables us to get in touch with and communicate our true wants and needs.
    • Owning our apathy can lead us to a passionate career, if this enables us to redirect our energy and quiet our fear of failure.

    Here’s How:

    The first step to seeing how you play the game of black and white is to determine which traits you’ve put into each category.

    What qualities in others make you angry? Often the aspects of others that trigger us are the things we don’t like about ourselves. These are frequently the areas that we need to work on the most.

    For example, when other people stated their boundaries, I previously felt threatened because I wasn’t comfortable setting my own. This taught me that I needed to address this issue in my own life in order to feel whole and attract other people with healthy boundaries.

    To begin, list several “bad” qualities. These are the traits that go in your “black” pile (i.e.: lazy, late, disorganized, loud).

    What qualities do you think of as good, desirable, and appropriate? These are the qualities that we are praised for or that we value in ourselves or others. List several “positive” qualities. These are the traits that go in your “white” pile (i.e.: honest, flexible, driven).

    Next, determine how the game manifests in your life.

    In what ways do you play the game so that “white” must win? What have been the consequences? For example, in believing that silencing my voice is good, I’ve been in unhealthy relationships, had angry outbursts, and felt depressed.

    If you were to give the disowned trait a voice, what would it say? For example: mine would tell me that it’s safe to be the real me.

    Finally, embrace the trait as neither good, nor bad, simply a part of you.

    If you were to re-own that trait, how could it benefit you? Often, qualities we view as “bad” are harsh criticisms or expressions of our own fears.

    For example, I often find that I am frustrated when I perceive someone to be lazy. This, however, is merely triggering my own fear that I am not doing enough. Owning this trait allows me to see that there are times when I should relax.

    Owning it taught me that I don’t need to overwork in order to prove that I am worthy. Owning my lazy side would allow me to live a more balanced life and cultivate self-love.

    Creating awareness around how you play the game of black and white will give you the freedom to consciously choose your behaviors instead of going on autopilot.

    It will allow you to stop stumbling through life and begin navigating it on your own terms. You don’t need to accept your false beliefs when you have the power to change them.

    Isn’t it time you mastered your life?

    Good and bad image via Shutterstock