“You are ready and able to do beautiful things in this world… Choose love and don’t ever let fear turn you against your playful heart.”
In his 2014 commencement speech for Maharishi University of Management’s, Jim Carrey shared some inspiring words of wisdom about purpose, happiness, overcoming fear, and going after your dreams. This short video includes just a few of the highlights. You can find the full speech here.
“He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much.” ~Bessie Anderson Stanley
Love. Purpose. Selflessness.
That’s it. Everything I’ve learned about happiness lies in those three words.
Why those words?
Because in their absence it’s hard to be happy. Your mind wanders and sets upon trying to fill that void, leaving little room for joy and happiness elsewhere.
I’m willing to go as far as to say that these are the three most essential elements to your happiness.
I spent my formative years trying to understand why I wasn’t happy. And in the times I felt happy, what had fallen in to place to make that feeling possible.
Of course, happiness can be seen through different lights for different people. But I am not talking about in the moment happiness. The kind you feel from a lovely gesture or good news.
I’m referring to the long-term happiness that sits in the back of your mind, every day. The kind that makes you feel whole. The kind that makes Carpe Diem that much easier.
These words are like a Jenga tower. With all the blocks in place, happiness can flow. Remove one, and the tower can fall. Their importance relies only on what you are missing.
It’s easy to feel lost, abandoned, and as if you’re walking through a dark forest all alone; unloved, and as if the world does not care about what if going on in your life.
Behind the tree, in the darkness that has been created, lies an army of people who truly care about you. But it’s up to you to reach out in to the darkness and feel the light.
Without love, and the subsequent support that comes from it, happiness is rarely ever possible.
That is not to say that single people are not happy, or those people who choose to go it alone are not truly happy.
But to feel unloved creates a gaping hole that runs deep.
Love goes beyond that of a partner and intimate relationships.
It stretches out in to the reaches of parents, cousins, siblings, friends, and those around you who care for you.
It’s the people in the world who offer complete and utter support, regardless of how bold, fragile, or doomed-to-fail the thing you’re working on is.
Around my neck I wear a necklace the reminds me that I’m always loved. It reads: “My dear Grandson, forge your own path, anything is possible.”
And with that love, I can achieve anything.
“Try harder next time, son,” said the Recruitment Officer as he closed the door on the way out of the room.
Sitting alone in a tiny cabin on the Air Force base where I so desperately wanted to work, I broke down in tears. I cried until my face hurt and there was nothing but braille-like dark blue patches on the front of my shirt.
I was seventeen and my life was still ahead of me, but in that moment, it was over. My hopes, dreams, and aspirations for the last ten years all shattered by one sentence, from a man who had no idea how hard I’d tried.
For me there was no way out. It was two years until I could reapply, and for seventeen year old me, that was an eternity.
The subsequent months saw me fall in and out of depression. My long-term relationship fell apart, I dropped a tremendous amount of weight, and I no longer felt like James Johnson.
It was a downward spiral in to one of the deepest and darkest pits I would ever find myself in.
There was nothing for me to get out of bed for. I wasn’t walking the path towards my mountain.
My purpose was gone.
Until one day, reading the newspaper, I stumbled upon a personal training course and started down a path toward a new mountain.
Training people, researching how to make them better, faster, stronger, leaner and healthier. How to have a positive, lasting effect on their lives. That became my purpose.
And suddenly, I was well again. I was happy, and I was back to being James Johnson once more.
My purpose is different now, and I have cycled the same emotions time after time.
I’ve seen it not only in myself, but in the people I love.
When they have lost all direction. When they are walking aimlessly on a road to nowhere, they become despondent and their happiness slowly starts to fade away.
Truly happy people have a clear idea of where they’re going. They have something they want to live for. Something to strive for. Something to try and attain.
It doesn’t have to be career-based. It can be passion for fishing or gardening or designing tiny little paper houses from recycled newspapers. Anything you want.
But in order to focus on being happy, you should take the time to sit down and identify what it is you want to do. What you love to do. What gives you purpose.
What makes you, you again.
In 2013 I moved to America for nine months to coach soccer.
The company I worked for had a pretty simple structure for your living arrangements: You coach their kids, and you live in their houses.
That was what we were thrown in to.
And we’d move from house to house, and from town to town. Sometimes I’d stay with a family for sixteen weeks, others it would be one.
They would feed me, let me do my laundry, and take me out with them to do some amazing things.
But there was one family in particular that gave me a lesson in selflessness that will stick with me forever.
In Burbank, California I had to coach a program for twelve weeks. And for the first two weeks, we had places to live; after that, our boss had decided to let me fend for myself.
And I scraped, and I scrounged, and I came up with the odd place to stay for a few nights, or a week or so, before moving on to somewhere else. It was a feeling of upper middle class homelessness.
But there came a point where I had no place to stay at all. No house to move on to from where I was staying. And I was going to spend the best part of the next six weeks living out of a motel 6, eating Panda Express.
The family I was staying with heard me talking to my colleague about this one day, and they offered to let me stay for the remainder of the time.
This was something they didn’t have to do. But they did.
And, they treated me like family the whole time. I was one of them. And I was a part of their daily life. I did everything from watch their kid’s soccer games, to going on their family trip to Disneyland.
They showed me I was loved. They let me fulfill my purpose. And they made me extremely happy.
That is what selflessness is.
It’s going above and beyond you, to let another’s happiness be facilitated.
It’s seeing the bigger picture. Making someone else smile. Showing them the same things that you wish to be shown in your life.
Without any return, because it is the right thing to do.
Truly happy people find themselves taking pleasure in making other people happy, because it is the most universal and sought after currency in the world.
Woman jumping image via Shutterstock
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” ~Viktor Frankl
I first got wind of this transformative concept when I was a teenager reading Man’s Search For Meaning.
It has played beautifully into what has become my life theme: how people transcend their adversities. I’ve forever been inspired by how (some) people can go through so much and yet be able to rise above and live well. I call it living well despite…
It seems to boil down to something beyond circumstance and external situations. Because, as we all know, there are so many people who have gone through terrible situations and yet manage to be upbeat and strong, and push forward in their lives; and yet others who sink into perpetual disappointment and despair. It seems to be a natural tendency to go one way or the other.
When I went through some of my darkest times—having a child born with disabilities and having the same child go through a year-long near-fatal medical crisis, whose outcome was nothing short of miraculous—it was Viktor Frankl’s concept of “man’s inner strength raising him above his outward fate” that I kept going back to, and that definitely helped me stay afloat and cope well.
With my former dark time, I fell pretty deep into despair, and only with the intense help of a gifted therapist was I able to get through the initial grief and grow into my new reality.
With the latter situation, I incorporated specific actions and thought patterns to help me along the terrifying year of my daughter’s life-threatening illness.
What makes some become better and some bitter?
I now have a new piece of fascinating information that ties in to my life theme.
I recently completed a certificate program in positive psychology. There is much proven research on just how much we can do to give ourselves that meaningful and joyful life we all naturally want; or I should say, that happiness we are all after.
Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychologist and researcher in the field of happiness and well-being, came up with a pie chart representation showing the three determinants of happiness. Lo and behold, circumstance is the smallest piece of the pie, at only a 10% contributor to our happiness.
Our genes make up 50%. And here’s the most powerful and influential piece of the pie: our behavior, our intentional activities, make up 40% of our happiness. This can really be the make-or-break part.
This means there’s a lot we can do to increase our life satisfaction, above and beyond our circumstances, negative as they may be.
So yes, we can rise above our difficult situations and we can become better, by first and foremost recognizing and acknowledging that we are not victims but rather active players and creators of our playing field, and then by intentionally reconstructing our views.
As Nietzsche wrote, “He who has why to live can bear almost any how.” We always need a reason to go on, especially when the road is slippery under our feet. It’s all too easy to fall and succumb. But just having this stick to hold onto to guide us can keep us on the path.
When my daughter was in a rehab hospital for nine months, what got me up each and every morning was the explicit purpose of being by her side as a cheerleader, encouraging her on her tough fight and climb up the mountain of human functions—from lifting her finger to walking again. It was a very steep ascent, one that entailed lots of grueling work.
It seems to be human nature to have a slant toward the negative. It’s very easy to spot the faults and issues in things. The good news is that even if we weren’t born a glass-half-full person, we can train ourselves to see more of the positive.
It’s about what we focus on. What do you hone in on—the rose or the thorn? When we take in the beauty of the rose, we start to notice other beauty around us. More comes into our purview.
Positive psychology professor, Tal Ben-Shahar states, “When you appreciate the good, the good appreciates.”
This means allowing ourselves to feel the gamut of emotions—the unpleasant ones that sometimes drive us to suppress them by numbing means, and the good ones.
Restricting the flow of painful feelings impedes the flow of the positive ones, for human emotions all flow through the same pipeline. We are blessed with a rich emotional make-up. We need to give ourselves permission to feel. This helps create a rich, authentic life.
Once we are aware of our feelings, we can then choose how we act and respond.
At every moment we have a choice. Are we even aware of this? We can choose to take things for granted or appreciate the good; we can choose to view failure as a catastrophe or as a learning opportunity; we can choose to succumb or make the best of what happens.
We can walk in the street with our head down (in our phones) or look up and smile at people, which sends in and out positivity.
“Things don’t necessarily happen for the best, but some people are able to make the best of things that happen.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar
So, when the rough times come or the bad things happen, are we able to find or make some good? Can we find the silver lining? Can we look to make lemonade out of lemons?
When adversity hits, we can become better; we can rise above; we can even grow beyond and do things we never thought we could. We now know it’s more in our power than we may like to believe.
It may sometimes feel easier to be a victim, but it’s certainly not a role that leads to a fulfilling, satisfying, and meaningful life.
Our choices, both concrete and attitudinal, make up this 40% of the pie, and this can make us better above and beyond the other half.
Photo by Llima Orosa
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw
I wanted a guarantee.
I wanted to know for sure that if I tried to do something, I would like it; if I devoted my limited time to it, I’d end up somewhere good.
I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I felt certain this was a phenomenal failing—because if you don’t know right now what you need to do to make your life count, life will pass you by before you’ve ever had a chance to do something meaningful or valuable. At least, that’s what I thought back then.
So I sat around thinking, analyzing, trying to identify something big enough or good enough, terrified that maybe I’d spend the rest of my days feeling purposeless, useless, on the fringe; doing the same thing in my professional life as I’d always done in my personal life: feeling like I was on the outside looking in.
When you’re sitting amid a vast expanse of possibilities, in the pressure cooker of expectations and impatience, it can feel almost paralyzing.
What step do you take when you have a hunch but no solid sense of direction? If it’s only a hunch, then maybe it’s the wrong direction.
And what if you go in the wrong direction? Then you will have wasted time, and time is finite. And everyone else is so far ahead. Everyone else seems happy and successful. Everyone else is climbing the ladder, earning more money, making a difference, mattering.
What if you never matter? What if you never do anything important? And worst of all, what if you never have more than a hunch about what’s important to you?
What if you never feel a spark, a purpose, that elusive “why” that so many people write about?
What if you never care about anything so strongly that it becomes the bliss you have to follow?
Sitting in the Times Square Internet café over a decade ago, searching Craigslist for jobs and gigs, I felt a sense of panic and urgency. I needed to figure it out, and fast.
I was blinded by the fear of never finding what I was looking for, and that made the looking awfully ineffective.
I thought there was something wrong with me for being so uncertain, so resistant, so unable to identify and commit to any path.
In retrospect, I see there was nothing wrong with me, or where I was in life. And there was nothing wrong with living in the maybe, looking for new possibilities.
I wasn’t ineffective because I didn’t yet feel a strong internal pull. I was ineffective because I consistently marinated my brain in anxious, self-judging thoughts.
My biggest obstacle wasn’t that I felt lost; it was that I felt I shouldn’t be. I felt I should have known, right then, not only what I wanted to do but also how I was going to do it.
Because without knowing those two things, I felt adrift and incredibly out of control. How can you let yourself ease into the moment if you can’t be sure it’s leading to a better one?
If I were to walk into that Internet café and approach my younger self, she would probably ignore me, immersed as she was in her frantic searching.
But if I somehow had the power to command her attention, I’d tell her a few things that maybe, just maybe, could relieve her constant worrying and provide both peace of mind and focus.
If you’re looking for purpose from a place of inadequacy, you will likely be too overwhelmed by the need to do something big, that matters to the world at large, to identify what matters to you personally and start taking tiny steps toward it.
Instead of looking for a guarantee that tomorrow will be valuable, know that today is valuable—that you’re not wasting time because you don’t yet feel a sense of purpose. You’re using time well by starting (or continuing) the process of discovering it.
There’s simply no shortcut to “figuring things out”—for anyone. Instead of being hard on yourself for not having clarity, be proud of yourself for moving forward on a foggy road when you could easily find a cloudless, well-beaten path to follow…to certain dissatisfaction.
You truly can do things in your own time without having to worry about being “behind.” Sometimes it’s the things we do that feel like “stalling” or “getting off track” that end up being the most helpful for our growth.
And besides, what story will be more interesting to flash before your eyes in the end: one that unfolded in ways you never expected, with unique twists and turns; or, one that followed a specific, predetermined timeline with predictable steps from milestone to milestone?
Your intuition is a powerful compass, and even if you think you aren’t making progress, if you’re following your instincts, you are.
There are always going to be opportunities that look good on paper, and that little, scared voice within may tell you that your life will only matter if you take them.
Other people may also tell you this, if not directly, indirectly; or, you may assume they’re thinking this, when really, they’re too immersed in their own confusing journey to pass judgment on yours for long.
But sometimes the best opportunities are the ones you don’t take, leaving yourself open for choices that better align with your own values and priorities.
I know this may sound as impossible as growing another lung, but try not to worry so much about what other people might think. They may have expectations, but they aren’t living inside your mind, or feeling your instincts.
The only one who can make wise decisions for you is you. And even if it makes you feel anxious at times, you will eventually thank yourself for being brave enough to follow your heart, not someone else’s head.
You may think you only have one purpose and that you need to push yourself to find it. And you can continue thinking this, if you’re okay with feeling chronically pressured and scared.
Or, instead of aiming to discover the one thing you’re supposed to do with your life, you could focus on discovering the one thing you want to try right now, knowing that you can change direction any time. And that changing direction won’t be something to be ashamed of; it won’t mean you failed at discovering your purpose before. It will mean you had one purpose then, and now your purpose has evolved.
It will mean you’re brave enough to let yourself evolve, repeatedly undertaking the sometimes terrifying process of discovering what else you can do.
Maybe that in itself can be a purpose—to live life in that vulnerable, uncertain place where you’re not boxed into one way of being; unencumbered by the need to define yourself and your place in the world; free to roam when it would feel much safer to tether yourself to one role.
—
Ten years ago I thought I was a failure because I hadn’t done anything that felt important. I now know it was all important, and not just because it brought me to this site.
All those steps were important because those steps were my life. And my life is valuable and worth enjoying regardless of what I do professionally.
Ironically, adopting this mindset makes it so much easier to create meaning in life, because suddenly it’s not about what you have to do. It’s about what you want to do. It’s about where your heart’s pulling you in this moment.
And that’s what it means to find direction—to follow those pulls, without a guarantee, knowing that the goal isn’t to end up somewhere good but to learn to recognize the good in this very moment.
This moment isn’t merely the bridge to where you want to be. This moment—this crucial part of the process—is a destination in itself, and now is your only opportunity to appreciate it, and appreciate yourself for living it.
Photo by h. koppdelaney
“If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” ~Unknown
Sitting at my kitchen table, I can’t help but ask myself over and over again how I got to be here. Just yesterday it seems I was sitting with my family for dinner, discussing my college plans and a future that seemed so far away from the comfortable and naïve life I always knew.
Now, I am graduating from college and embarking on the unknown journey that is “the real world” with what seems like no preparation whatsoever. Well, I wouldn’t say that. If they had beer pong tournaments or sorority trash talking in this “real world,” I would be more than prepared.
The funny thing about life is that it’s set up to always be preparing us for something.
Elementary school gets us ready for junior high school, which prepares us for high school, which prepares us for college, which prepares us for this “real world.” We are set on this path right from the start and told to follow the path to get us to where we need to be.
But what society doesn’t seem to understand is that humans aren’t designed to stick to one path. Humans are free flowing, always changing, and always moving. One moment we can be so joyful we want to start a flash mob in the middle of the train station, and the next we can be disheartened and hopeless.
Our feelings are ever changing and ever flowing, as are our thoughts, beliefs, interests, and our relationships with others.
Maybe this is why when we are told to pick a major, a job, or a career, we are ultimately faced with the hardest challenge of our life. We spent our whole lives preparing for this moment, after all. The decided fate of what we will spend our whole lives doing.
When I was faced with the big decision of picking my major and future career four years ago, I was at a standstill. I had so many interests, how was it possible to pick just one? Being the over analyzer I naturally am, I contemplated for a long time, measuring the pros and cons of each profession. I planned and thought, and planned some more.
But it was when I was on a road trip with my family to Colorado, when I had finally stopped planning and thinking, that everything made sense to me.
I was sitting in the car next to my little brother, who has autism. He is nonverbal but probably smarter than any average thirteen old; people just don’t see him how I do.
Pondering about life, as I had nothing else to do in a twenty-five-hour car ride, everything suddenly made sense.
Speech therapy, where I can help people like my brother whose intelligence is underestimated due to his autism, suddenly became my purpose. I can’t explain the feeling other than it seemed like my brother was set on this planet to be my brother and to help me find this purpose in life.
It turned out all that time contemplating my future had gone to waste, because I didn’t need to contemplate at all. I just knew, and the beauty of it all was that it came to me when I was doing absolutely nothing.
So this is where the great plan idea doesn’t quite have it right.
We spend our whole life in preparation. We don’t realize that while we’re planning, we’re missing out on the important things in life. While we’re planning, we’re missing out on the opportunities to relax and let the plan come to us.
We’re missing out on valuable time spent living our lives worry-free and stress-free. Nobody needs a plan or a set path to get to where they need to be, because where you need to be is where you already are.
Being someone who is in the process of growing up, I can confidently say that I believe humans never really “grow up.” But I do believe that humans are constantly growing and changing to be the best selves they can be. People have multiple purposes in life, not just one.
So take those risks. Venture onto different paths; explore the paths that may seem far-fetched or unrealistic. Travel the world, start a business, do the things that are pulling you toward them.
I strongly believe everything happens for a reason, and if you have an instinct to do something, there is a reason for that feeling.
When you become confused about life, can’t make a decision, or are anxious about having a plan, take a deep breath and remember that life is a journey, not a destination. There is no plan required in life. The only thing required is to keep an open mind and go with the flow.
You never know what might hit you when you are relaxed and doing nothing, and what instinct will draw you to your next adventure.
It’s important to have faith in yourself and know that our internal selves are more powerful than we think.
If we can trust ourselves, knowing that we don’t need anything external to give us answers, everything will come together. Remember, you know yourself better than anyone else, even if you don’t think you do.
“Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.” ~Unknown
Samara is my colleague at work. She is one of the most pleasant ladies I know. She always has a smile and an encouraging word to give.
She really is the kind of woman you want to speak to on the days you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand, because she always has something comforting to say. As we got closer, I confided more and more in her about the challenges I was going through in my life.
I envisioned that her life must be perfect since she has such inner strength.
But I was wrong.
One day I noticed she had a sad countenance. That was strange because Samara was like sunshine itself. However, her sad countenance did not last, and before long she had her signature smile back on.
But I was not deceived. I knew that deep inside her, she was experiencing some pain, so I asked her what was wrong.
At first, she smiled and said that all was well. But I insisted that she confide in me. She looked me in the eyes, thanked me for caring, and then dropped the bombshell.
“My six-year-old daughter has been in a critical condition for the past six months because of my carelessness. I saw her yesterday and her situation seems to have worsened. I think she is going to die.”
For a second, I could not speak. I was in shock.
“I am so sorry,” I managed to stammer, trying not to let her see how shaken I was by the shocking statement I had just heard.
She explained to me that six months ago, she had stopped at a supermarket to get a few things. And because she was in a hurry, she had left her daughter in the car with the engine running. Her daughter had managed to engage the gear and the car had sped into the road, right into an oncoming trailer, and she had been seriously injured.
The tears rolled down my face as she narrated this horrific story to me.
She assured me that she had managed to forgive herself and had replaced regrets with gratitude for the six years she spent with her daughter.
I recalled with a sense of embarrassment all the fuss I sometimes make over little things that, in light of what I’d just heard from Samara, now seem really insignificant.
My marriage was not working out the way I wanted it to and everyday I lived with regret that I married my husband. I made a career change, which has turned out to be a very poor decision, and I have not been able to forgive myself.
I realized that I spend too much of my time dwelling on all the mistakes I have made in the past. I spend too much time regretting things that I have no power to change. I spend too much time wishing things were different. I spend too much time beating myself up over what I’ve done.
Over the years after that encounter, I determined to live a more positive life, free of regrets. Here are five ways I’ve learned to do that:
I realized that my career was doing badly because I did not have a career plan. I just drifted through my days without something to look forward to, so my life lacked momentum.
Determine to live a life of focus. Today, take a stand on one thing you want to achieve in your life and draw up a plan to accomplish it.
I blamed everybody else for the way my life turned out. I blamed my husband for the failure of my marriage and I blamed my boss for not promoting me.
I am responsible for my life and not anybody else. Instead of making excuses, I need to take responsibility.
It doesn’t matter what the obstacles in your life are. You can achieve almost anything if you put your mind to it. Helen Keller and Jon Morrow are examples of people who achieved excellence despite physical disabilities.
Look within yourself. There is something waiting to be birthed. Find what that something is and do it, without excuses.
At a point, I thought I had made such a mess of my life that there was no point trying to put things right. So I gave up trying. I mulled over my mistakes every day and went deeper into regrets.
None of this helped me. I only started making progress when I embraced my mistakes, determined not to make them again, and resumed chasing my dreams.
Life is not fair for any one of us. There will be storms and you will make mistakes. But be determined to get up as many times as life pushes you down. Forgive yourself, learn the lessons, and go on working toward your goals.
The more time you spend feeling sorry for yourself, the less time you have to pursue the life of your dreams.
I could not stop comparing myself to others. Everybody seemed to be happier than me, their marriages seemed to be faring better, and I seemed to be the only person with a less than fulfilling career.
This made me feel even worse. I wondered what others were doing that I was not. Their progress in life seemed to dampen my spirit.
Over time, I realized that comparing yourself with others is one of the greatest mistakes anybody can make. No matter who you are or where you find yourself in life, always remember that you have your own unique path to walk.
Never compare yourself, your struggles, and your journey to anyone else, for that would only distract you from your own.
We are all different. Forget about others and focus on fulfilling your own life dreams.
After I drew up a career plan for myself, I still lacked the courage to follow my plan. I wasted a lot of time because I was afraid that I would fail and I did not have to courage to start. So I continued to push things off.
It’s funny how so many people seem to think that tomorrow is better than today for getting things done. We put off those things that are important to us and we lie to ourselves by saying that we will do them later.
Whatever you need to do, do it now! Today is the tomorrow you planned for yesterday, so start today.
My chat with Samara that day was a wake up call. I promised myself that day that I would not waste any more precious moments of my life regretting. I have been able to do that and have discovered inner peace in the process.
So I urge you to do the same. Don’t waste any more time on regrets. Learn the lesson and move on. There’s still a lot of life in you. Go out there and live it!
Photo by Benson Kua
“Find your Calcutta.” ~Mother Teresa
Something is missing in your life, isn’t it?
You’re working hard, trying to get ahead, doing everything you possibly can to make life just a little bit better. You’re trying to keep it all balanced, though. You won’t be one of those people who commits every waking second to work and the pursuit of a career.
Not you. You’ve got it figured out. You even make time to exercise, eat right, meditate, or maybe spend time with friends and family.
You’ve got it all figured out—except for that one stupid thing that keeps tugging at your heart. You don’t really know what it is, but it is there, and it is driving you a little crazy.
Yeah, I know. I get that feeling sometimes too.
It is often mistaken as unhappiness, fatigue, depression, or being stuck in a rut. Many people will go off and do wild vacations or try things they would never try in a million years just to see if those activities settle the strange, inexplicable emptiness they feel inside.
When they return to the real world, though, the problem is still there, still nagging at them.
Maybe they think they didn’t go “extreme” enough and will push themselves harder. Or maybe they take it in a totally different direction and put more time into meditation, or even trying to manifest happiness in their lives.
Sound familiar?
Or do you have it under control? I’m guessing since you’re still reading, you don’t. It’s okay. Neither do I.
In fact, neither do most people.
So, what is this mysterious thing that is pulling at you, leaving you feeling empty and unfulfilled in a life that would, from the outside, seem all but amazing? It’s the pursuit of happiness.
Before you click away from the page, thinking that this is another article about how when you stop pursuing things, that is when they come to you, don’t.
It’s not about that at all.
We are constantly presented with things that we believe will make us happy. New cars, flashier televisions, prettier women or men, houses, furniture, more money, exotic vacations, and a myriad of things that go along with that stuff.
We are pounded by books, blogs, and billboards about how we can get everything we want in life and live happier, better, and wealthier.
The simple truth is, we are so focused on getting what we want that we forget about everyone else in the world around us. And therein lies the key to that empty feeling inside.
Right now, there are people who are hungry. And not just in Africa or India. They might be within a square mile of you. There are kids who don’t have a decent place to sleep.
Let me tell you a quick story.
Recently, a friend of mine (a former high school teacher) passed away. He had been fighting leukemia and eventually cancer for a long time. He was 74 years old.
When I met him, I thought he was one of the most energetic people I’d ever come across. Of course, I was only 16 at the time. His Italian ancestry only added to the natural charisma he displayed on a daily basis.
This teacher started a program at my high school called Project 5000. It was an initiative aimed at collecting five thousand canned goods to distribute to needy families in our area. I can still remember seeing the boxes of food under the auditorium stage.
Not only did our little school of 300 kids collect five thousand cans, we collected far more. And every single year, the number grew, surpassing multiple tens of thousands every year.
Because of his efforts, many needy families got to have a few good meals around Thanksgiving, even if it was just a few.
My friend also helped out at a place called the Chambliss Home, a transitional facility for kids similar to an orphanage. He organized a Christmas program there every year so that, at least for a night, those kids could actually be kids.
Why am I telling you about this?
Because this teacher always had a smile on his face. He always had tons of energy. And because of one very important thing he told me in relation to the problem I discussed earlier.
He said that if you live your life providing a service to others, you will have the most fulfilling life possible.
And there it is. We’ve been so focused on getting what we want in this world that we forget that there are people who have desperate needs. You don’t have to look far to find them either.
They could be right up the street, in a local school, a homeless shelter, a nursing home, or any number of places.
At the moment, I work in a school that has a student body that is 100% on free and reduced lunch. Basically, that means it is a school of kids from low-income homes. I work there as a school counselor and as the boys’ soccer coach.
My commute sucks, nearly an hour each way. The hours suck (since my best energy times are not waking up at 5:30 and working until 5:00 in the afternoon).
When my friends ask me why I don’t quit or find a job closer to home at a better school, I explain to them that it is my Calcutta. While sometimes the work is not stimulating, and the kids can be a little rough around the edges, it is a place where there is a great need.
Ever since I started looking at it that way, I have been a lot happier in the rest of my life. I am more fulfilled because I know that I am providing a service to people in need and not just living for myself.
When I get home, I have more energy, a happier demeanor, and I feel like I have done something good.
The bottom line is, helping others energizes you and fills you with good feelings.
Where can you find your Calcutta? It could be as simple as donating a piece of furniture to a needy family. Or you could give a few hours a month at the local soup kitchen. Are you an expert at something that could help solve a problem for people? Find a way to do that on a semi-regular basis. It can literally be almost anything.
The point is that you serve someone. And by serving others, you will begin to notice that strange, empty feeling begin to dissipate until one day, you find yourself smiling all the time.
Photo by Shisheido USA
“Our obligation is to give meaning to life, and in doing so to overcome the passive, indifferent life.” ~Elie Wiesel
After surveying 3,000 people, psychologist Cynthia Kersey discovered that 94% had no clue as to their purpose in life—94%!
As painful as this statistic is, it’s even more painful in light of how relatively simple it is to discover a worthy and fulfilling life purpose.
For most of us, a meaningful purpose lurks just beneath the surface of conscious awareness and can be discovered in a few minutes.
This is the easy part. What happens after you discover your life purpose is the plague of humanity.
I discovered my life purpose in high school psychology class at age seventeen. A local therapist visited our class and asked us to sit on the floor in a large circle. We cleared out the desks and sat. Then he said the following:
“You’re trapped in a cave with the rest of this class. Only a few of you will make it out alive before the cave collapses. A few at the front of the line will make it. Those in the rear will be crushed. Now, as we go around the circle, I want each of you to explain to the class why you need to get out alive. Tell us why you should be at the front of the line.”
One of my classmates raised her hand. “What if we don’t want to be at the front of the line?” she asked.
“Then say so, if you really feel that way,” the therapist conceded. (Therapists can be such pushovers.)
I was on the opposite side of the room and listened, one by one, as more than twenty kids declined the opportunity to state what they wanted to live for and merely said, “I’ll just be at the back of the line.”
On my turn, I took the risk and said, “I wouldn’t want to be responsible for someone else not getting to live, but since you asked why I need to get out alive, I’ll answer your question.
I want to live and make something of my life. I am being raised by a single mother who has made sacrifices to see that I get an education and stay out of trouble. I don’t want to let my mother down. I feel I owe it to her to make the most of myself. If I can do something really great in life, it will make her sacrifice worthwhile.”
I caught the nod of respect from the therapist and noticed a few of the girls in the class looking misty-eyed and—right there—I knew my purpose. I knew that if I could help people discover something great within themselves, like I had just discovered, I’d live a meaningful life!
That was easy compared to what came next.
I fought it. I failed out of college the first time around. I passed on great opportunities to advance my education and career by telling myself, “You can’t do it. You are not worthy. You’re a fake.”
I looked for shortcuts. I refused to cooperate with my supervisors because, even though I was plagued with self-doubt, I still thought they were stupid.
If you looked at my life, you’d wonder just how I was manifesting any purpose that had to do with helping myself and others grow.
One step forward, two steps back! That was me.
Later, when I did find opportunities to advance my career by teaching workshops, I made it horrendously difficult. I demanded perfection of myself at every performance, which created unbearable anxiety.
I often walked to the front of a lecture room just knowing I would have a full-blown panic attack and be carted out on a stretcher and never be invited to speak anywhere again.
I just couldn’t give myself a break. My purpose in life not only lacked fulfillment, but also became a source of personal torment.
I know what it is like to fight your purpose in life. I’ve been there. In fact, I now believe that most people who are not living a life of purpose are sabotaging their efforts as I was.
Many people give up on their purpose because of all the perceived trouble that comes with making it real.
My parents won’t approve.
It is too difficult.
I can’t do it.
It’s not realistic.
I won’t fit in with my friends anymore.
Where I come from people don’t do that.
I’ll never be able to pay the bills.
I am sure I will fail in the end and be right back where I started.
It’s just not worth it.
It’s too late.
I am comfortable where I am.
And so the story goes. We resist a more meaningful life because we get in our own way. This is the saddest story ever told!
Worse, so many have written off their purpose to such a degree that they don’t know where to begin to find it.
It is right under your nose.
If you’ll take a few minutes to do the following experiment, you are very likely to discover something wonderful that might serve as a purpose for your life.
Take a few minutes alone to simply breathe and think. When you are relaxed, ask yourself some simple insight questions per the following examples.
When you’ve gotten greater insight as a result of the questions, ask yourself how the insights apply to a potential life purpose. This is the application question mentioned below.
What do I love?
Why do I love this?
What talents has the universe given me?
Why are these talents important?
What are my dreams?
Why are these dreams important?
When and where have I found joy in my life?
Why did I find joy in that?
What have I always found meaningful?
Why is this so meaningful to me?
Write down the answers to the insight questions that appeal to you. Remember, this is just you. Imagine for a moment that nobody else in the world matters. No one has any say here but you.
As you are writing, notice how you are feeling. Which particular words cause you to surge with positive energy? These words are a major clue as to your purpose in life.
While in that positive state, ask yourself the application question.
How might the answers to any of the above be part of your life purpose?
For example, imagine you are writing about a particularly meaningful experience that came to mind as a result of an insight question. Let’s say you remembered when you were meditating and felt a deep connection to the universe.
You asked yourself, “Why was this so meaningful to me?”
The answer came, “Because that is what life is all about—connection.”
Next, you asked the question, “How might connection be part of my life purpose?”
So many ideas might flow from there:
Your purpose may be to simply stay connected! Whatever you do in life, you remain open to the possible connections to others and beyond.
It may be that you feel a desire to help others connect to the universe—a great life purpose.
Perhaps your purpose is to help children experience greater connection.
The possibilities are limitless! If you center your life around staying connected and helping others to do so, you will surely experience the fulfillment that comes with a clear life purpose.
How can you make your purpose real? There are a million ways. The better question is how are you likely to get in your own way? How do you subconsciously protest having a purpose? How might you attempt to devalue your purpose?
Learn your purpose. Learn the ways in which you sabotage it. Get out of your own way and follow your heart.
Life can be complicated. Sometimes we convince ourselves that what we want is impossible. This is where education and a compassionate, intelligent outsider’s perspective can be a life purpose saver.
To the life purpose under your nose….
“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” ~William James
My mind wasn’t able to percieve the reality around me. It had been ten days since I’d woken up with a feeling of constant energy flowing through my whole body.
It was so intense that I didn’t want to let it go. But I wasn’t ready for it. It was way too much for my unprepared body and mind. I didn’t even know what it was back then.
Everything had happened so fast. I was on the way to Chicago with my friends after seeming to check out mentally. They wanted to help me by bringing me to a clinic, but the fear was stronger.
Suddenly it grabbed me and made me jump out of the car. I started running in the opposite direction. Then I saw the fast moving vehicle coming…
The highway was dark and cold. My body was lying down on the pavement and I was looking at it from above. My friends were crying around it, and I left the world.
In the next moment I had reached my final destination, the place of pure love, bliss, and unity with all that exists. The place that we can not even explain with our limited-by-the-physical-reality minds. The place where we are all one.
Then I felt a mighty force that drew me back.
There was a light in the tunnel, with thousands of small episodes of my previous life on the walls. Tiny memories of who I was before leaving the world of forms as we know it.
It was so beautiful. Then I got back into my physical body and opened my eyes. The pain was incredible, yet somehow distant. I was in a fast moving ambulance on the way to Springfield, Illinois.
“What am I doing back here?” was my first conscious thought.
I had no memories at all. I was all wiped out, like a brand new hard drive that just came out of the factory. I learned that some of my forehead was missing and my right knee was smashed.
Doctors told my parents and my friends that I wouldn’t make it. I disagreed. I love this beautiful life too much to leave it.
Four hours with a great team of surgeons followed, and another trip back to this unexplainable place beyond the perception of our minds. And again, there was this force that needed to send me back to Earth, as I didn’t really want to leave.
A huge smile on my face. My first titanium peace was on. “Yeah! I’ll be like Ironman,” were my words before going in for surgery. I will never forget the look on the surgeon’s face after he heard that.
It was quite funny not to know what to do with the spoon the nurse gave me for my first meal after the operation. She showed me how to hold it. Everything was so delicious.
Miracles occurred. The doctors couldn’t believe I was so happy and smiling so widely.
Then my parents came and the doctors let me go after a few consultations with the psychiatric department. My mind was clear like never before. This was one of my gifts, along with the energy that was, and still is, inside of me.
I was passing twenty miles a day on my bike two weeks after the accident, doing hundreds of pushups and pull-ups afterwards. The energy inside my body was so incredibly powerful that I simply had to use it.
My memories were coming back slowly. With every passing day I was putting more and more of them together—and I’m still remembering today.
I received more than seventy thousand dollars worth of bills in the mail. Still, there was a smile on my face. I knew my only choice was bankruptcy, but I didn’t let it get me down—I was starting over.
I’ve learned that even when things seem impossible, there is always a way. When there is a will, there is a way. We just need to let go of the fears that keep us stuck. Fear doesn’t serve us. It limits us and prevents us from reaching our full potential.
My heart is still filled with gratitude for all those men and women who took care of my body.
I sent them my blessings, and then I left. Bye bye US. It was a pleasure. I bought a one-way ticket back to Eastern Europe. Welcome to Bulgaria, the country where I was born. It was almost five years since I had last seen it last. Family and friends met me at the airport with smiles and warm hugs.
Years of meditation and self-observation followed. I had to find out what exactly happened. And I did.
I was dwelling on my doubts and losing faith in myself. I wasn’t feeling unity with the people and the world around me. I was crying and giving up sometimes, but rising up again and continuing forward.
You will most probably feel the same at times.
We’re all on own unique path to self-realization. It’s a process. But if you keep walking, no matter how slow it appears sometimes, you will reach your destination. Then you can choose your next one and keep going toward it again, far stronger than you were before.
There was struggling. There was irritation. There was love. There was compassion. There was pain. There were tears. There was laughter. There was pride. There was fear. There was courage. And sometimes it wasn’t so clear.
It was a snowy Sunday when I went to my first self-development workshop. At the end I had the chance to share part of my story. It was the most satisfying feeling of all. Then everything started falling into place. I knew what I needed to do.
One morning I started writing. And I wrote and wrote and wrote, day and night. My first book was on the way. It came out one year later.
In the meantime, I spent hours preparing to be a speaker. Nothing happens without putting in time and effort. There is no shortcut to achieving your goals. You need to work on your skills and develop them as best as you can. And keep doing it after. Every day.
Workshops followed lectures and speeches. Two blogs in two different languages. A second book, too. Great people, places, and moments of love, abundance, and gratitude.
But most of all there was belief, a belief in my self. There was a knowing—that I have something unique to share with the world around me.
And you have too. Yes, I’m talking to you. Don’t look behind your back. I really mean you.
You are simply amazing. Right here, right now. You have some extraordinary experience you can share with us too. Please do. We all need it.
We all need you to reach inside yourself, remember your deepest dreams and desires, and share your passion, as life is meant to be shared.
Many times I thought about how insignificant I am. Have you done the same? It’s a lie that we’ve been told many times. It’s time for it to go away. You don’t need it anymore.
You are great and you have something important to share. Remember? It comes back slowly, I know. I’ve been there. It takes time to break the program and wipe the slate clean of all the negative beliefs. But it’s worth it, every single moment.
Are you ready? To see things differently? Just open your eyes.
Photo by Rareclass
“What is my purpose here and how may I serve…in the midst of all this confusion?” ~Wayne Dyer
Your life is a mess and you can’t do anything about it, right?
Wrong.
You may be closer to the answers than you think, even while right in the middle of the chaos that showed up.
You ask yourself, “What happened to the life I had where I knew my purpose?”
All you know is that a rug you didn’t know you were standing on was pulled out from underneath you, leaving you in a heap. You want a magic carpet to take you out of this craziness so you can find yourself a new world that’s nicer to you.
Not long ago, that’s what I wanted too.
One day I was minding my own business, feeling on purpose, and the next…
California called my name and I listened. I felt all smug and purposeful in the sand and sun of Los Angeles as a stay-at-home mom. I knew my purpose as a mother after spending years in a corporate financial cubicle in New York, and I loved it.
Along came the cyclone of lost spousal income and a dry job market. The dark winds of change (and a landlord that wanted his rent) moved us over to the shores of New Jersey. A better job was waiting.
But the jobs didn’t work out, and the mailbox filled with eviction letters and power shut off notices. The nights got cold, and as I lay bundled near my children, I knew something had to change fast. Only I didn’t know what to do first.
I just wanted the confusion and chaos to end so I could figure out what my purpose in all this was.
Does this sound familiar? Do you believe you can find your purpose while in chaos?
The following three steps will help you stop focusing on your problems and make room in your life for your purpose to reveal itself.
Clear your mind of your problems for a moment by finding someone or some organization that needs a skill you have, and offer it for free, even if just for an hour.
This may sound like you are being irresponsible; shouldn’t you be spending all your time finding a solution to your life—a job, or a loan perhaps? No. Take a break and step away from the spinning mind; it will be there when you get back.
The Result: Volunteering makes you feel purposeful and grateful for what you do have, what you can offer. Service and gratitude are a magical combination that comes back to help you tenfold.
You may even gain some new perspective about your life and purpose. Perhaps you will network, or be inspired to apply for a job you have not thought about before.
You can easily feel immobile when going through a crisis. Close your eyes and imagine a white light coursing through your blood to every part of your body, energizing it.
If you can, get down on the ground and do a few pushups, or do some jumping jacks. Head out the door and walk until your feet hurt, or turn some music on and move, no excuses and no equipment needed.
Choose an easy workout ritual to follow daily.
The Result: The energy in your body gets shaken and shifted, and endorphins start to flow. You then crave healthy food, leading to a clear mind.
The depressing thoughts disappear when you work out, and in this moment of clarity you can plan your next step. Perhaps you’ll think of someone that can help to call, or you’ll begin getting ideas about what your purpose is and how to go about living it.
Go to a place where you can sit in solitude and connect with your soul. Your soul is your partner forever and it needs attention; it will give you back as much as you give it.
Sit under a tree, or on a bench in a busy city, or simply at a window, and breathe. Deeply.
The Result: You are allowing your soul to guide you to the answers that your mind cannot seem to find about where this chaos is leading you.
Deep in your soul is a knowing of what your purpose may be. Stop and listen to it.
These are the steps I took. I realized that I needed to get out of my mind and connect with my body and soul.
I got one response and started leading a weekly half-hour recovery meeting. The men and women in the meetings inspired me with their hope, strength, and courage exactly when I needed it. They saved me as much as I saved them.
Their courage led me to write about it, and the essay ended up being published on the website for a magazine I dreamed of writing for all my life. I found my purpose as a writer once again, and the hopeless feelings disappeared.
Life did not magically change, but when you know you are not staring down a scary path from a distance but are walking on the path, you access ideas and courage you did not have before. You feel deep down that you are living on purpose again.
Choose an area where you think you may want to serve and send out emails or make phone call offers. There are nursing homes full of people needing visitors, children in need of tutoring, and social service agencies available to guide you. Community gardens need gardening helpers and small businesses need an extra hand.
Add a little workout ritual, maybe visualizing energy coursing through your blood while doing a few yoga poses or jogging outside. Or put music on at home and move around until you break a sweat.
Find peace looking up at the sky, or out at passersby, or sitting in a park.
You will realize that it’s a relief to take a break from thinking about your chaotic situation—and it’s productive. Stopping to calm your mind and connect with your body and soul is actually doing something!
So go ahead and take a leap of faith. Have faith that you can find your purpose in the midst of confusion and chaos.
And if you don’t have faith, pretend you do. Even a drop will do.
When taking a step outside of your mind and connecting with your body and soul, your purpose may sneak up on you. So let it.
“Breakdowns can create breakthroughs. Things fall apart so things can fall together.” ~Unknown
A decade ago, as a nomadic adventure-seeker, I traveled and lived in Belize. I’ve always been a dream chaser, which means if I dream it, I start living it.
My twenty-year-old self was convinced living the island life in the soulful country of Belize was my dream and gateway to happiness.
After about a year of a major reality check—living on an island is very different than vacationing on an island! I felt totally empty. I felt like I had nothing.
Seriously, I had no job or city to go back to. Yet, it was just the breakdown I needed to move to the other side of the breakthrough.
A friend I met down there, another nomadic adventurer, said it so simple and straight:
“Well, since you got nothing, you’re really free to do anything.”
And in that moment was a major mental mind-shift:
Having nothing also means having everything.
That made it easy to get off my sorry butt and take full charge of the limitless possibilities in my life.
In the empty space of having nothing, there is plenty of room for the new and incredible to make its way in.
And that’s what I am sharing today:
If you feel like something is missing, or if you feel like you are not where you want to be, if you feel like “This is not it!” You know what? Within the “This is not it” rests the answer of your “Yes! This is it” life.
If you are not living the life you want, the biggest hurdle you face is within your own mind. As said by Anthony Robbins:
“It’s not about resources, it’s about resourcefulness.”
Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, use that to fire up what you want.
If you want anything to change in your life, you need to change your mind first. If you feel like you are in a the midst of a breakdown—like things around you are falling apart and not going the way you hoped, you need to first change your mind and then choose another way.
The energy around a breakdown is heavy. However, energy is just energy. Instead of labeling the breakdown as “bad,” imagine un-charging the heaviness, and simply seeing it as pure energy. That pure energy is pure potential.
Take that massive amount of energy from the breakdown and transform it into your breakthrough moment.
If I had remained in my funked-out state, worrying that I have no job and no home, I never would have started researching new places to live, and new things to learn, and the new life I wanted to create.
I took the energy of the breakdown and redirected it into taking action to change my circumstances.
The moment I shifted my perception, my reality changed.
As Marianne Williamson says, “A miracle is just a shift in perception.”
And that is what happened to me that day. It was a miracle.
A shift in my perception led me from living in a situation that was no longer serving any joy or purpose, and directed me to move to Vancouver and study holistic nutrition, which has played a massive role in my joy and purpose.
Whatever is not working in your life, you can make a miracle out if it, too.
All you need to do is take that first step and decide.
If you are feeling in a funk, or like things are just not working out, take that energy and redirect it.
Start by simply giving yourself permission to fully feel the pain you are in. Once you can accept that your current circumstances are no longer serving you, you can choose to deliberately change it.
Give yourself permission to take “thinking time.” Life can get so busy, and often when we don’t like where our life is, we fill it with things to do so that we don’t have to think about our unhappiness.
However, this doesn’t help us get out of our funk. This is what keeps us stuck in a perpetual state of unhappiness.
Give yourself permission to think. Go outside in nature and give yourself an hour of pure thinking time. Ask yourself: What do I want in my life? What is my dream solution?
The answers are inside of us. All we need is to give a little time to take care of our emotional body so that we can break free from the self-made blocks that leave us feeling heavy and unhappy.
Once you give yourself time to think, you will often start to shift into a new mindset full of possibilities. The most important thing at this stage will be to make an action plan to actually change how you are living.
Ask yourself, what step can you take today to make your life lighter? What can you let go of that is no longer serving you?
Sometimes it will be a radical change, like moving to a new city and starting a new job, or studying something brand new. Other times it can be as simple as integrating a new healthy eating habit or daily exercise routine.
Whatever it is, make sure you take action so that you actually breakthrough to the other side and live a life of more meaning and fulfillment.
Now it’s your turn.
Have you ever experienced a shift in perception that helped you get unstuck? Or are you in a place that feels stuck and you’re finally ready to shift your perspective?
Share your story and insights in the comments below. Your contribution helps us all grow!
Photo by Leland Francisco
“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown
When my last relationship ended, I found myself suddenly questioning what my goals honestly meant to me. I had focused my past five years steadily chasing a very specific dream with this woman (creating joy, art, and a community in NYC, adopting some dogs, and eventually moving back to California to start a family together).
At least that’s what we thought we were chasing.
When we realized that our lives together had become static, that we lacked engaging dynamics, and that we only rarely brought out true joy in each other, our roads abruptly veered and I found myself sans lover, best friend, and collaborator. I also was given a huge opportunity to view my life with fresh eyes.
I saw that by limiting our vision and chasing only our one shared dream, we were effectively shutting ourselves off from exactly those varied personal experiences that it would take to build our joy, inspire our art, and create that dynamic life we both desired.
We allowed ourselves to be held back from a meaningful life by chasing the goals we thought it would take to get there. We had gotten stuck in chasing the wrong things for a right reason.
I began examining what I had been busy chasing in all the aspects of my life. Chasing in my career, chasing in my suddenly newly blossomed singles life, and in the personal identity of who I was now that I wasn’t defined by this external relationship.
I realized that it was time to shake things up and experience the unexpected.
Here are some steps to discover what you are truly chasing in life. Try to answer in less than twenty seconds, with the first thing that comes to mind. You might be surprised.
I’ve always liked fixing things and working with my hands. Broken pieces fascinate me as my mind wraps around how they tick. I know there’s a reason if I could only find it. It’s a great puzzle, but sometimes the minuets crawl by. By chasing the outcome (to make it work), I stopped being in the present.
I discovered that I never feel rushed drawing or painting. No matter how long it takes me to choose a color, from the instant I pick up the brush to the second I put, it down feels like one fluid moment.
It might be sunshine, dogs, laughter, passion, collaboration, or music. I chased my career goals in the music industry by working in a studio without windows or sunlight for ten hours a day, and while it was rewarding to help people realize their dreams and create their art, I realized I was chasing the wrong thing.
What made me happy wasn’t just making music sound better or tweaking knobs; it was helping people discover and release their albums. When I realized that I was made happy by sharing, by making art, then my goals shifted to be more people and connection focused and left me feeling more fulfilled.
You might sit on a private island by the beach, or maybe start a free service for the less fortunate. I personally realized that I have to create.
The idea of “free-time” scared me silly, and everything I focused on in life stems back to this deep-seated need to be creating something. Even sitting quietly was creating peace. Once I realized what my driving force was, it became much easier to make choices based on what I knew my true desire to be.
You might be chasing things, people, rewards, or achievements that seem huge and important now. You’ve given your all to reach this point, so why give up now? Ask yourself how deeply will it touch people in twenty years, thirty years, fifty years. If I get a gold record, it’s a huge achievement, but I don’t want to be remembered for a plaque on a wall.
I’d like to be remembered as a warm, living, loving, heartfelt person full of optimism and enthusiasm. A gold sales award doesn’t commemorate that.
Honestly ask yourself, what are you getting when you reach the end of this chase? I was chasing goals that I thought would help build the future for my love life, or would help advance my career—there was my “reason”—but having a more advanced career didn’t help me to connect deeply with artists. It wasn’t in tune with my true desires.
Our relationship appeared to be chasing similar goals, but in the end our chase was actually blocking us from reaching our true selves. Ask yourself if you are chasing out of habit or just for the sake of the chase; be sure you are genuinely working towards your true goals.
—
I’ve realized that a lot of what we focus on in life isn’t what’s in line with our true desire. Since then, I’ve cut my time commitment to work in half, and I now use that time to create art and build connections with people who also value the creative life I want to live. It has breathed new life into my actions and helped me understand the deeper reasons for my choices.
Without walking the long and often painful road, we rarely discover the true reasons why we’re chasing our dreams, even if we have those dreams well defined.
The only constant is that it never goes according to plan. Let your heart be open to the unexpected and stay flexible and free. Like a dog running after a ball when a squirrel suddenly appears, gleefully embrace the opportunity for a fresh chase and leap onto your new road with joy.
Photo by Hartwig HKD
“Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose. The eye sheds a tear to find its focus.” ~Robert Brault
“Lay still. We think both your arms are broken.”
I obeyed the police officer and stopped struggling to rise from the hard, cold pavement.
An ambulance soon had me in emergency, where I discovered that my problem was a lot worse than broken arms.
My right arm had to be amputated. My left arm was paralyzed. I had no more use of my arms.
I laughed my way through my long hospital stay.
No one could understand how a man who had lost his arms could laugh so happily.
I couldn’t explain it to anyone, but I was feeling a vast sense of relief. My old way of life had been stripped away in an instant.
My family had always worked as loggers or fishermen, and before the accident, I felt stuck emotionally and unable to leave my blue collar social group. What they saw as disaster, I saw as liberating. I knew I would never have to use a chainsaw to cut trees again.
At thirty years of age, I had been given a whole new life.
I was free. Free to create the life I really wanted to live.
Maybe you can gain your freedom without waiting for disaster to strike.
Take a good look at your life. Are you really doing exactly what you want to do in your heart of hearts? If you’re not, you may get a wakeup call like I did.
There was a lot of time in the hospital to think about what I really wanted to do. More than anything else, I wanted to write.
My California state rehabilitation counselor didn’t agree. He didn’t think I could make a living writing. So I agreed to a business program at state university.
Once enrolled, I took all the business classes to keep him happily supporting me while I also took all the writing courses to keep me happy.
Writing all those papers meant a lot of pecking away at a keyboard with a chopstick gripped firmly between my teeth, but I knew what I wanted.
Once you know what you want, you’ll also discover the fortitude to make your dream come true.
After university, I discovered that my counselor had been right. Nobody wanted to hire a disabled person to write or do anything else.
With a wife and two small children, I had to find a way to get money quick.
A radical old dude from Canada took me under his wing. We wound up in Tokyo, where he showed me how to busk. All I had to do was make a show on a busy street corner, and people passing by dropped money into my tin cup.
A lot of money. Hundreds of dollars an hour.
You see, in Asia, begging is a traditional occupation for the disabled. My highly visible disability gave me a license to beg in any of Asia’s newly rich mega cities.
The money poured in.
I soon had a house in the city, a farm in the country, and a new car for my wife to drive our kids to private schools in.
But happiness was gone.
My wife didn’t like being married to a crippled beggar. She welcomed the money, but she tried to hide me away from her friends and family. Divorce wasn’t long coming.
I also suffered terribly from severe chronic pain in both arms.
Powerful tranquilizers were the only treatment modern medicine could offer me. I could feel how slow and stupid my once brilliant mind had become under the cloud of drugs.
I wasn’t writing, and I felt like I was losing the ability to ever write again.
Money had sidetracked me.
Don’t get sidetracked.
Then, fourteen years after my accident, I met Remedia.
She saw from across a crowded room how much pain I was in. Saying nothing, she simply began massaging the pain out of my shoulders and arms.
It felt like she had magic coming out of her fingers—magic that dissolved away all my pain.
Remedia had been born with the ability to heal, but had never studied it formally. She just used her gift whenever she saw a person in need.
I was fascinated.
We started traveling all over Asia to learn more about healing energy. Soon, we knew enough to start giving healing sessions. It wasn’t long before we were teaching too.
Joy and purpose returned to my life.
I was writing our course materials. I was keeping a journal. Most importantly of all, I was actively helping other people.
I wasn’t a crippled beggar anymore, able only to give people a humble “Thank you.”
Now, I could give something back to all those who had helped me for so many years.
Then, something even more momentous happened.
We met Krishna Kantha, Thailand’s living Saint. He kindly invited us to stay at his retreat center for a month.
Krishna has magic coming out of his hands too. Only Krishna’s magic opens and heals minds. Krishna opened the world of meditation for us by giving us instant access to the deepest states of meditation.
During repeated visits, he taught us how to open minds like he does. Then he said, “Go to India. You need to be in India.”
Years later, we’re still in India. We’re still growing spiritually, and we’re both radically joyful.
Remedia is living her life purpose of healing and helping all whom she meets.
I’m living my life purpose of teaching meditation and writing about it. I’ve pecked out four books published on Amazon, and I keep two websites going—all with my trusty chopstick.
When life slaps you upside the head, get serious about laughing, having some fun, and figuring out exactly what it is that you feel passionate about doing.
Then start doing it.
Your radical dude from Canada, a Remedia, or a Krishna will appear and open doors for you. But you have to be actively helping yourself first.
When help comes, don’t miss it because what has come is different than your vision of what you want.
I almost missed the radical dude because he was dressed in old, dirty clothes.
I almost missed Remedia because she has no education and speaks broken English.
And try some meditation. It really helps.
Photo by Luz Adriana Villa
“All appears to change when we change.” ~Henri-Frédéric Amiel
We often start from the outside to try to make change on the inside. Scratch that. We pretty much always start from the outside, thinking it will make changes on the inside.
I am the retired queen of looking externally for internal satisfaction. I spent my most high-stress decade driven by a tantalizing dream. I wanted to be a magazine editor-in-chief, with an all-white office complete with a leather sofa, my name on a parking spot, and legions of underlings at my beckon call.
Pretty deep, hey?
And when I was 25, I was nearly there. I had edited the high school yearbook and newspaper, completed a university degree in communications with a major in magazine editing, worked at three unpaid internships, and then, eight months after I got hired at a magazine, was promoted to assistant editor.
Thankfully, the universe is always conspiring for our highest good, and the highest good of all. So although I had made it, I was miserable. I couldn’t sleep properly or digest properly, and my stress was through the roof. I promptly had a quarter life crisis.
All hail the power of our bodies to tell us when we’re off course. Our bodies can’t lie. And mine wasn’t willing to pretend that this was the place for me.
When I quit my job my official reason for leaving was “to help people live healthier, happier lives.” I’d felt the immeasurable power and peace that came from listening to the part of me that could guide me to my happiest, most fulfilling life, and I wasn’t willing to let her down anymore.
I wanted to be of service, to make a difference in people’s lives, and to make a difference in the world. So I spent the next six years doing communications work and copy writing for health and wellness-related companies.
Today, I teach other people how to live their own liberated lives—deeply and uniquely happy, being who they want to be and living the lives they want to live.
Life is more beautiful, more exciting, more fulfilling, and beyond anything I ever dreamed. I get to make a difference in people’s lives and a difference in the world. And I am happier than I ever imagined.
Here are seven things I’ve learned about being happy from the inside out:
They don’t know what’s best for you—they know what their own fears, past experiences, and imaginings are dictating about the future. Your future can be completely different than everyone else’s.
We spend a lot of time imagining the worst—or if not the worst, then something we don’t want. Call it worry, call it stress, call it temporary insanity. What it comes down to is something that isn’t real. Nothing we think about happening in the future is real—it’s just in our heads. So when you catch yourself imagining the terrible, don’t.
Right here, right now, whatever we’ve imagined the worst about isn’t actually happening. Ahh. Big exhale. Take a look around. See those windows, that person you like, the sun shining, or the rain falling? It’s good here. This is real.
Your mind is the TV, and you’ve got the remote. Just like CNN headlines scrolling across the bottom of your TV screen, your mind scrolls out dramatized thoughts. Don’t like what you’re seeing? Change the channel, and pick one that lifts you up. Remembering good times or past successes is better than imagining bad times or failures.
The non-verbal part of our brain processes about 40 bits of information per second. Pretty impressive. The verbal part of our brain processes about 8 to 11 million bits of information per second. So when your thoughts are telling you things are bad, check in with your body. It’s communicating to you a bigger picture.
If you’re body feels tight, tense, stressed, or just plain shackled down, it’s giving you some very strong “no” signals. When you’re doing what’s right for you, it feels in your body like freedom.
It’s not selfish. It’s your destiny, your dharma, and your purpose for being on this planet. It’s the greatest gift you can give to the world.
Photo by Antara
“The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.” ~Ralph Blum
The summer of 2007 was simply terrible. I wish I could find something positive to say about it but there really was nothing that I can think of. I was underemployed, the economy was tanking, and I was in a shame spiral of depression and self-hatred.
Following a fight with my husband, I found myself driving aimlessly, snot and tears running down my face. I’m not comfortable saying I was on a mission to stop living, but the thought had definitely crossed my mind.
It was just a bank advertisement that caught my eye as I drove, but seeing the billboard took my breath away. “YOU MATTER.” The image of those huge letters is burned into my mind.
I wish I could say that billboard changed my life in a big way. It didn’t. But what it did do was change my life in a subtle way. The four years that followed that day in 2007 were similarly difficult. I was depressed, borderline alcoholic, and more deeply unhappy than I thought possible.
But somewhere in the back of my mind was the image of those letters: “YOU MATTER.”
By the fall of 2011 I hit my low point and I sought conventional counseling. I can attest that it was one of the best decisions I ever made. But there was a secondary emotional and spiritual journey that made an equally important impact on the quality of my life.
That journey started with the image of the billboard coming back to me in moments of quiet. At first, I couldn’t help asking “Do I really matter?” whenever I thought of those words.
Slowly, but surely, the answer became “Yes, I do matter!” Eventually it was not only “I MATTER!” but also “Maybe I have a purpose!”
Professional help is so incredibly beneficial. But the truth is, it lifts a veil that reveals unexpected “stuff” to deal with. There were times when this felt like a vicious cycle to me.
In other words, depression and anxiety… seek professional help… uncover some inner junk… inner junk causes unhappiness and despair… circle back to depression and anxiety.
So, what can you do about that vicious cycle? What’s the point of having a purpose when you’re caught in a whirlwind of your own issues? The best way to describe the solution I found was to snag the energy from that cycle and harness its power for better things.
The thing is, unhappiness and despair take energy. In fact any emotion takes energy, but unhappiness often feels like hard physical labor. Would you rather wear yourself out on something unproductive, or use your energy to do something productive?
In order to harness the energy of your unhappiness and despair, remember that the energy isn’t a bad thing. It just is.
If you subscribe to the theory that the whole universe consists of energy that is neither good nor bad, it’s easier to imagine a shift in more productive use of your energy.
Think of emotional energy like an electrical wire. If a live wire is broken and lying in the street it is useless at best, and quite dangerous at worst. But when it is properly connected it provides us with power to make our lives easier.
My spiritual and emotional journey led me to wonder if I could unhook the metaphorical power line feeding my unhappiness and install it somewhere else. What if I fed that energy into something productive? Something with a purpose?
Connecting your energy to a purpose can take many forms. Throughout my own emotional and spiritual healing, I focused on hobbies. I learned that knitting can be incredibly meditative. I also improved my yoga practice.
Carrying for a loved one or a pet, tackling a challenging project (cluttered closets, rejoice!), working for a social/community cause, or learning a new skill are other positive ways of diverting energy away from unhappiness.
Taking the first step toward using your energy differently can sometimes be a challenge. Finding the motivation to pull yourself away from your own “stuff” to use your energy elsewhere can require some ingenuity.
It helps to get in the habit of seeking that motivation to invest yourself in something new. In each day there is always at least one opportunity to be inspired. At least one chance to be reminded that you are not alone and that you matter.
It may be subtle. It may be fleeting. But it is important to seize that moment and use it to leverage the energy you have at your disposal. Once you start looking, it becomes easier and easier to find those moments.
Today I was feeling a bit melancholy. But I noticed the sky was an exquisite shade of blue and the sun was warm and bright. I was grateful to have witnessed that beauty.
I held that moment in my mind and used it to channel the energy of my sadness toward a more useful purpose. In this case, it was my writing goals for the day. I felt much better for accomplishing something.
Look at unhappiness and despair as opportunities. Start by revising your understanding of energy and know that it’s a free agent. Then, look for a beautiful moment in each day to serve as a reminder, and direct your energy toward doing something with purpose.
Don’t forget to plant that roadside billboard in your mind. YOU MATTER—let it become your reminder!
Photo by Crysis Rubel
“Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” ~Elbert Hubbard
I have always defined my life by my career. I think that was my first mistake.
For the last six years, I worked at a publicity firm in Los Angeles.
It was a job where your email is the first thing you check in the morning before getting out of bed. A job where you are on your phone while eating your dinner. A job where your boss calls you out of a funeral in order to send out a press release. Frequent travel, evening events to attend, and not a lot of free time. Not any free time.
The problem was that this job became my life. I went from work, to home, to bed, each day.
Seven months ago, I quit my job. In fact, not only did I quit my job, I moved out of my Los Angeles apartment and hopped on a one-way flight to Puerto Rico all in one week.
I had met someone who opened my eyes to thinking differently and who let me see that I should try and find a life where I was happy.
I realized that this job was not bringing me the life that I wanted to experience. My hair was falling out due to stress; I had migraines each week. My doctor even advised for a change.
My first weeks in Puerto Rico were paradise. I lay on the beach, learned to dive, and got on a surfboard. I went to waterfalls, drank pina coladas, and I was in love. Soon, however, I started to come down off my high. I started to get anxiety.
I realized what happened. When I took away my job, I took away 90% of the only thing I knew to be my life. I had a big hole inside of me now. I didn’t know what I enjoyed doing, what my hobbies were, or who I was as a person.
Keeping busy through work never allowed me time to think about things like that. Now that I had no job filling my time, I was overwhelmed with thinking. The thinking soon led to over-analyzing, which then led to anxiety.
I woke up each day with a knot in my stomach. What was I doing? Am I going to be happy today? What am I going to do for a career? What is my life going to be like in Puerto Rico?
Often I would worry that my new relationship would fail. My boyfriend fell in love with me because of my independence, my drive, and my passion—all of which he observed through my former job. Now that the job was gone, I felt I had lost all of those traits as well and that he soon would fall out of love with me.
What I came to realize was that “I” was not my career. That wasn’t what defined me. I still had all of those traits and more. I was putting these thoughts and worries into my head that didn’t need to be there.
People fantasize about living on a tropical island. Seeing the ocean each morning when you wake up. Walking beaches with not a single other person on the sand. So why, in the land of paradise, was I causing myself so much worry and stress?
If I couldn’t cease my worries here, I certainly had no hope anywhere else.
So I made it my mission to not take life so seriously and to learn to be present each day in order to find happiness within myself and for my new life. These were my daily mantras:
I took a big risk when I quit my job. I took an even bigger risk moving to an island. Rather than being down on myself for not having a career at the moment or not feeling like my life has a purpose, I give myself credit for the little things: learning Spanish a bit more, attempting to surf, taking pilates each week at a local studio, meeting new people.
When you are focusing on what you see as bad things, you are preventing the good from shining through.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take ten minutes of meditation time each day and thank yourself for it afterward. Get up early and make a healthy breakfast. Talk to someone new in line at the coffee shop. Notice the little things you are already doing each day for yourself.
Think of nothing for two whole minutes. Clear your mind. Don’t put effort into thinking about things that haven’t happened yet. It will just cause you worry. It’s too much for one little mind and it’s a waste of your time and energy.
I still catch myself in a whirlwind of thoughts each day and every time this happens, I stop, I take three deep breaths, I think about something positive, and I smile. There is always a reason to smile and less of a reason to worry.
My family asked me why I was wasting a college degree and why I spent my 401k to move to an island. I didn’t have a straight answer for them, but I did know that I worked harder than I ever had for six years of my life, for almost twelve hours each day and put up with a lack of appreciation for what I did.
So it was okay if I took some time to do nothing. You don’t have to be achieving scientific discovery every day. It’s okay to take time to simply be and to experience life.
I used to hate the saying “find what you love and go do it.” As if it’s so easy. But each day, don’t be afraid to attempt something new. In Puerto Rico, I have learned that I actually like oysters. I love being in the water. I am more creative than I thought I could be.
I still haven’t found what I love in life or what my “purpose” is, but trying is the only way to find it.
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi
When I left high school, I had no idea about what I wanted to be when I “grew up.” I still had no idea when I left university. There wasn’t anything in me that really burned to be a doctor, a translator, a lawyer, or an artist, for example.
I was a bit of an all-arounder and wasn’t really 100% focused in any one direction. I always thought this was the curse of completing an arts degree (namely French), where in many cases you can go in any direction you choose, but what if you have no idea?
I think what I was always quite sure of is the feeling this unknown career would instill in me.
I remember speaking to a career counsellor and saying something about wanting to be a powerful woman who wears suits, has some kind of semi-important title, and spends a lot of their time getting the train between Paris and London for business meetings.
As soon as I said it, though, I felt hollow and instinctively knew that that wasn’t me. This is what all my friends were signing up for, and I was torn.
Do I follow what I’m expected to do and go for the lifestyle, or do I dive back into the crumbling well of not knowing what I’m doing with my life?
After a lot of soul searching, I decided to move into high school teaching. I could still be involved in all things French, have some kind of semi-prestigious role, and make a difference. (The suit was optional, though).
That “business woman” feeling I’d wanted translated quite well into teaching. I felt wanted, important, needed, useful, and creative, like a fountain of knowledge creating an impact where it mattered. But something was still missing.
After feeling empty, fed up, and like I was sacrificing my well-being at the expense of my career/search for a particular feeling, I knew I still wasn’t in the right place.
I then went through a few years of relentlessly comparing myself to others and where they got to in life. My friends at university seemed to be settling into jobs that were made for them. They were making good money and climbing the ladder.
Why couldn’t I do this? Why didn’t I want to do this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. What the hell was wrong with me?
The last few years after moving from the UK to Australia have marked something of a transition for me. I feel that there was a reason I was meant to move to the other side of the world: I came here to follow my own path.
I was meant to come to Australia to stop comparing myself to my university friends, to stop feeling that I’d let me parents down, and to be really secure in myself and not myself in the eyes of others.
Away from this, I became incredibly interested in holistic health and nutrition, spirituality, healing, and meditation—a far cry from the powered up business woman ideal I was originally aiming for.
I am in no way where I thought I’d be when I school.
I’m pretty sure that if I told people what I was doing now (writing and training to be a healer), they’d be quite surprised. Trust me—no one is more surprised than me. But I absolutely love what I’m doing and I’m so passionate about it. I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve found my “thing.”
If you’re nodding your head furiously at anything I’ve written and feel like you’re not where you thought you would be, I invite you to think about the following questions.
Okay, you might not have the salary, but is your job progressing the way you want it to? Do you have steady income? Do you like your colleagues?
If you really drill down into “dream” jobs, there’s always something people don’t particularly like doing, but generally it’s okay. They don’t call them “jobs” for nothing!
Whether you’re recovering from an illness or setting up your own business, it can be terrifying and can often feel like you’re never going to get there. Remember to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.
Take time to step back and look at what you’ve achieved so far. If something’s worth doing, it’s worth taking time over and really pacing yourself. A bit of patience and a sprinkle of hope, and you’ll get there.
I suddenly realized, after years of comparing myself to other people, that I was doing myself a huge injustice by making myself feel inferior to others.
As much as I wanted to blame society, the government, or my parents for not being where I wanted to be in life, I realized the expectations I’d placed on myself were incredible.
Even if I were as perfect as I’d envisioned, I still wouldn’t be happy. The same goes for expectations laid down on you by other people—they’ll never be happy with where you are either.
That’s when I realized I had to let it all go. These herculean expectations were energy zapping and weighing me down, so I released them.
Everything happens for a reason. Are you underselling yourself at work? Are you spending time on things that really light you up?
The big lesson for me was learning to be myself and be okay with that. I learned that my talents and skills are unique and that at the end of the day, people want and remember you for you, not for your job.
Once I thought about all the time I’d wasted wishing I was higher up the ladder, more glamorous, or more athletic, I wanted to do something right away that would make me feel like I was moving the right direction for me.
If you’re constantly berating yourself for your fitness, go to the gym. Want to eat healthier food? Cook healthier food. It’s simple. Often, we sabotage ourselves as an avoidance tactic. Nobody can do it for you but you.
There’s no time like the present. Your dream and goals are just waiting for you to run toward them with open arms. All you have to do is say yes.
Photo by mrhayata
“Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose. The eye sheds a tear to find its focus.” ~Robert Brault
Just over two decades ago, I happened to be planted in the Midwest. Chicago. The southside to be exact. A location once recognized as a haven for successful black people handling their business while their kids frolicked throughout the streets, making up secret handshakes, basking in the sun and enjoying their youth.
And then, as the years progressed, things began to change; our haven was becoming less safe.
As if a nebulous cloud began to form over our neighborhood with a torrential rainstorm of bullets impending, some parents forced their children to stay inside as the lightening and thundering began to rain down.
The unfortunate news is that some children of varying generations were left out in the storm, with many, many lives lost due to senseless violence. And I wondered, “Why me?” Why do I deserve such shelter while so many of my brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles must brave the storm and suffer?
“Why was I so blessed?”
You see, I may not have grown up with the riches of the world, but I was indeed wealthy—inundated with support, guidance, education, and love. I was recognized as “one who would make it out,” and indeed I did, but not without the scars, physically and emotionally, to show for it.
As I journeyed forward, attending a top twenty university, my erudite persona led many of my classmates to believe that my younger years were a cake walk—that I must have come from a rich, wealthy and white neighborhood. But in fact, I was born amongst my own, tender brown, beautiful skin.
But still, my peers did not believe me. I was in a battle. Lest did I know, it was much with myself.
So I began to fear and hate where I was from so much that I often cried to my mother, screaming that I did not want to return home during the summer months. But I had to anyway. So I did—in mental steel shackles—going straight from work to the gym to home everyday in fear, feeding the hunger of my hatred even more.
I was such a frustrated young man who had the world in the palm of his hands, but who had not yet recognized its power.
It wasn’t until I began traversing that palm that I realized there was a much bigger world out there and that many more people had gone through far more than me, and interestingly enough, still had enough umph to persist and fight on.
So I decided to give it a shot. Try it out. Test it out and venture to places, near and far away, discovering more of the world while discovery myself. As I did, the pain of Chicago traveled with me. A few years ago, right after I moved to the Dominican Republic, I received this email on January 7, 2010 from my mother:
Hey babe. Some sad news, Cody was killed on Sunday right down the street. He was with Marlon in a car and a guy walked up and shot them both, but Cody died on Monday with 14 gunshot wounds. So sad. I love you.
And then later again that year, a few days after I followed my dreams of moving to Los Angeles, I received a phone call from my mother stating these words:
Marlon was killed just up the block from our house. He was with some people and someone came up and shot him in the neck and back. Be Careful. Love you.
Out of all the people in my life that had passed on, why were these two more significant?
Sure, we did not stay in the best of contact past high school, but we shared something much stronger—something much more powerful: childhood dreams.
As we played football and baseball in the abandoned lot directly across the street from my house, we dreamed of growing up to become the likes of Randy Moss and Derek Jeter. We had huge dreams—dreams that we knew would one day come true.
But after I lost both of them, the dream deflated and the big question: “why me—why am I so freakishly blessed?” returned, until I was asked an even greater question: “Why not you, Alex?”
Instead of counting your blessings and asking why you are so blessed, why don’t you live a life focused more on sharing those blessings?’
“Sometimes in tragedy we find our life’s purpose. The eye sheds a tear to find its focus.”
I cried a lot and it was not until others helped me meditate upon it and realize that all the bad and unfortunate events in my life could be leveraged as lessons to help me, instead of destroy me. And indeed, they did, but it took time—years.
The shedding of those tears did in fact help me find my life’s purpose while understanding life’s purpose, which is to teach us, to expand us, to challenge us, to grow us—to evolve us to show us that nothing is permanent in life, and to be grateful for this year, this day, this moment.
Gratitude, once taken into practice, can change your life.
And now, I can honestly look back with a better understanding of my past while holding gratitude for what was and what is. I choose to trust the struggle moving forward, because the more I go through and learn, the more I can help others.
And the same goes for you. You have the power to help others.
We are not only here to share our stories of heroism, happiness, and jubilance, but also to share our stories of hurt, pain, and sadness to be an extra shoulder to cry on and to show others that there is someone out there that not only knows their pain, but also feels it.
So today, I ask you: what lessons have you learned from the hardest times of your life and what would you say to the person who is going through something similar right now?
Because I guarantee there are some individuals reading your comments that could really use the love and encouragement.
—
This article is dedicated to Cody, Marlon, to the children of Chicago (of all generations) and to the world.
Photo by Leland Francisco
“More important than the quest for certainty is the quest for clarity.” ~Francois Gautier
It’s the last place in a million years I ever thought I would find myself.
Stuck in a day job I had originally taken to fund my art and still feed my family when times were lean. It all sounded so logical back then.
Except that after several years, this “I” that was showing up to work had zero passion, was totally unmotivated, and not exactly someone I was too proud of.
Which was very strange since I was always so committed with my dedication to my artistic endeavors, prior to this particular career move. “Who was this guy?” I thought.
But hey, it was all to keep the music train rolling along while I worked on my art and building up our fan base.
Then the band broke up.
Suddenly without the vehicle to deliver my artistic message I was like a ship without a rudder. The job felt like I was still living the joke but couldn’t remember the punch line anymore.
But then I was in a bit of a conundrum.
There was this other “I” who, during this same period, had rediscovered the storyteller I had always been since childhood.
This “I” started blogging, writing posts to inspire others to unearth their own unique story and live their passion. A first eBook was near completion. People were commenting and signing up regularly to my list.
This “I” felt totally alive. Totally confident. Like I was doing some good in the world.
Likewise, when I was playing guitar or producing other musical artists. People were consistently saying thank you whenever I was engaged in this work.
Hmmm.
So then who exactly was this “I” who was showing up to that day job? This self that was feeling so stuck? The one with all these self-limiting beliefs?
It was almost like I had a different “I” for different situations in my life. It was really confusing.
Did you ever have that feeling?
I finally found the clarity I was seeking after attending a Buddhist lecture series recently.
The Buddha says that since beginningless time, we have been grasping at a self that doesn’t really exist—a self that changes like clouds passing overhead.
According to Buddha, this self-grasping is the root cause of all human suffering, because we’re clinging to the delusion that this self and our own happiness is more important than anyone else’s.
I know, that sounds scary, right? Clinging to someone who’s not really there?
Now this might be a good time to ask an obvious question you might be wondering.
If our “I” doesn’t really exist then who’s driving the bus, right? Who decides we’re going to wear that blue shirt today? Who tells us to take a shower and get ready for work?
That’s a fair question. (I was thinking the very same thing when this was first presented to me)
But I learned that if you really believe there’s this independently existing fixed self called “you” then you should be able to point to it, right? Like your refrigerator over in the corner. “Yes, there ‘I’ am.”
So to see if this was true we went through the following exercise.
You get to a centered place in your meditation (or just a quiet place, if that’s not your thing) and you contemplate a version of a self you’re very familiar with. Preferably one that feels stuck in some aspect of your life. (Bingo! The guy at work. That was easy)
Then you just try to observe this self in action, as though in your mind’s eye, you’re looking over their shoulder and they don’t know you’re there. Then you ask yourself, “Is this really the person I always wanted to be?”
Well, it was quite obvious to me the answer was no. So then you set out to locate this self to test the theory.
Now if you just use common sense and look in the mirror you basically have only two choices where you might find this self. Either your “I” is located within your body or it’s in your mind, right? Where else could it be?
So for example, when “you” decide to go shopping do you say, “My body is going shopping now?” No, you say, “I’m going shopping now,” right? As though this “I” is some entity other than your body.
So this self is not located inside your body, would you agree?
Okay, so then is your “I” located inside your mind?
Well, think about it. You wouldn’t say, “I’m taking my mind shopping” either, would you? As though your thoughts are off to the mall? I’ll just leave my body home since that’s not me. No, you wouldn’t say that either.
And something else: don’t you say, “These are my thoughts” as though your “I” is in possession of them? Logic dictates that the possessor (your “I”) can’t also be the possessed (your thoughts) at the same time.
So if this self can’t be located in your mind either, then where is it? What are we to conclude?
It doesn’t really exist. It’s an idea, a name you ascribe to this collection of changing thoughts you call “me.” An insinuation.
But fear not. You do exist.
Just not in the fixed reality you thought you resided. You cannot point to this self because it’s nowhere to be found. Really, try to point to it right now.
So if your “I” is really just an “I”dea, then what would you do if you came up with a bad idea? Like say, a self that believed they were stuck in a day job?
You’d drop it right?
What’s the opposite of self-limiting beliefs?
Unlimited possibility.
Why not identify with that instead?
When I walked out of that class and began meditating on this concept over the following weeks and months, something eventually happened.
I didn’t view this job in the same way anymore. It’s not that I had any renewed passion for it. I didn’t. But I realized that all the years I’ve been in this field have not been for naught. It served my creativity in a way I never saw before.
I’ve been working in high end audio visual technologies with some of the wealthiest New Yorkers, living in these amazing spaces most only get to see on TV. Some are characters I could never invent in my wildest imagination. So the job has become the muse for a book I’ve been writing over the last few years now.
Writing has opened up a door and shown me new possibilities with my career. Suddenly people are asking to pay me for my writing.
An audience is building. A tiny voice says, “Keep going.” It’s the voice of a different self. One who knows it’s all going to work out.
There’s another premise in Buddhism called patient acceptance. You can’t force life to change. You create the conditions for change to come about. Then you accept that it will come when its time has ripened. Not before.
Maybe you can’t always change a situation by just snapping your fingers and making it go away. But you can change your perception of it.
Change your perception and you change the world.
Literally.
If you’re free to realize that this self is just an idea, then you’re also free to let go of those selves that don’t serve you because they don’t produce a positive perception of events.
You can learn to recognize them when they crop up. You can even have some fun and give them names. When they show up you can just say, “Take a hike, Larry (or Mary)!”
You’re free to see a seemingly difficult situation as a challenge instead—an opportunity to transform it into something positive.
And you’re free to watch with wonder what happens when you view each moment of your life in this way.
Freedom is yours when you let go of “you.”
Here’s to your freedom!
“What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.” ~the Dalai Lama
One of the beautiful things about being an intuitive reader is that people are willing to go very deep very quickly. Vulnerability, shame, fear, and hope are all active players at a table set with Tarot cards. Often people start out their first session with me warning that “You might get bored, this is just another love drama.”
Of course I never do get bored—everyone has a unique and precious story and I feel honored to share in them, period.
Besides, underneath every question that’s related to the future, or an attempt to figure out our relationships or heart hurts is the most fundamental question of all: “Why am I here? To what end and for what purpose? What am I supposed to be doing right now?”
This is why in my work I always focus on where we are, right here and right now, because that is the most important thing to understand, and oddly, sometimes the thing that’s easiest to lose sight of—our here and our now.
I see it again and again with others and I know that it is true with myself: we ask questions about the future not because we want to control it, but because we are trying to figure out how we can live our best lives in this single, grace-filled, present moment.
Talk about pressure.
As a little girl and a young woman growing up in traditional South Central Texas, I was taught early and often that I could never expect a man to make me happy; I would have to provide that (and everything else) for myself.
Solid, safe, and sensible advice for sure, especially in a time when the women in my family watched mothers, sisters, and friends get trapped into loveless relationships and marriages.
Self-reliance was smarter and safer; after all, if the only person I really relied on was myself, how great were the chances that I would get hurt? Of course, college and my early twenties were a crash course in how a self-reliant life strategy, while helpful in some ways, is no guardian against pain and emotional difficulties.
And now that I have been with the same man for ten years and a mom to the most amazing little boy for two, I have had the limitations of the “find happiness within yourself” driven home.
It continues to be a safe and sensible approach, at least on one level, but I’m not sure how solid it is, and I’m pretty sure that safe and sensible are not the keys that open doors of greater understanding, wisdom, and joy.
Perhaps we are ultimately responsible for our own joy, but happiness is found and purpose derived from being in relationship to others—being in relationship with all the messiness, drama, kindness, frustration, and delight that any good relationship entails.
This is one reason why, whenever we feel that a relationship is going badly or may be on the brink of ending we panic: because we recognize that the joy in our lives is found through connecting with and being kind to others.
This is something we can do whether we’re in a romantic relationship or not.
We can be of service to others, not by just noting what we can do for someone else but by actually doing it. To put it another way, as the Dalai Lama so wisely said, being useful.
So often we think of “being useful,” especially when the Dalai Lama says it, as feeding thousands, healing hundreds, and compassionately embracing our enemies.
I firmly believe that these great and lofty acts are built on a daily practice of awareness, noticing what might have gone unnoticed—the older woman fumbling with her purse in front of you at the check out line when you are in a hurry, the quiet kid in the corner, the fact that your friends know when you are not really listening, and are hurt by that knowledge—and acting upon it.
Relate. Connect. Be useful. Be happy.
Our first acts of usefulness are usually close to home—calling your grandmother not for a special occasion but just to say, “Hi. I remember you and I love you.”
Really seeing and bearing witness to your child: being present with them, not on the computer, not on your smart phone—with them. Forgiving your dad…for whatever. Holding your beloved in an embrace that lasts longer than it has to because you have the time and it feels so good.
The interesting thing about being useful is that it cannot come into being by itself. We are useful when we are in relationship to honor someone else. In fact, I think of usefulness as the devotion of being in relationship.
We know ourselves in a deeper and truer way through serving, loving, and being present with others. We are not rocks, not islands—we are connection, kindness, and underneath it all joy.
You want purpose? Go be a blessing in the world and joy will be fast on your heels.
Photo by Steve Evans