Tiny Buddha

Tag: psychology

  • The Hidden Lesson in Projection: It’s Never Really About Us

    The Hidden Lesson in Projection: It’s Never Really About Us

    “What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

    For most of my life, I didn’t fully understand what projection was. I just knew I kept becoming the problem.

    I was “too much.” Too intense. Too emotional. Thought too deeply. Spoke too plainly.

    Again and again, I was blamed, misunderstood, and cast out for holding up a mirror to things no one wanted to see.

    But in my forties, I began doing shadow work in and out of therapy. At first, I thought the shadow was the broken part. The mess to fix. The thing to hide.

    But I slowly realized: the shadow is where the gold lives. It’s the part of us we disown—but it’s also the most authentic expression of who we really are.

    As a little girl, I was naive and blunt in the way that children often are. I remember saying I didn’t want to share the toys I’d just received for my birthday. My stepmother called me spoiled. But I wasn’t being selfish—I was just being honest. The toys were mine.

    What I didn’t understand then was that my words touched a nerve that had nothing to do with me.

    I think, deep down, my stepmother felt she was always sharing my father—with his past, with his pot-smoking, drug-dealing friends—and there wasn’t much left over for anyone else. Adding me into the equation was one more person who might “take” him from her. And when I voiced a desire to keep something all to myself, it reflected something she couldn’t have: all of him.

    Rather than face that pain, she projected it onto me. I became the one who was “too much,” “too selfish,” “too entitled.”

    My father didn’t know—he was always gone. And I was punished, not for being bad but for mirroring what she couldn’t name in herself.

    And so I learned to shrink. To share when I didn’t want to. To give more than I had. To stop being “the problem.”

    But I wasn’t the problem. I was just being real. And being real in a family built on denial was dangerous.

    Eventually, the truth would always find its way out—on my tongue, in my eyes, in the questions that slipped past my filter. And when it did, I paid for it. With silence. With exclusion. With shame.

    Again and again, I internalized it: I talk too much. I am too much.

    But the truth is—I was never the problem. I was the mirror.

    I reflected what others didn’t want to see in themselves. And people hiding from themselves don’t want mirrors near them.

    When someone’s identity depends on a carefully constructed mask, truth feels like a threat. And most people? They’re wearing masks.

    Therapy helped me see it differently. I stopped asking, “What’s wrong with me?” And I started asking, “What if this isn’t about me at all?”

    That question changed everything.

    When someone’s reaction to me was intense or filled with judgment, I learned to pause. To listen more closely.

    And most of the time, I realized they weren’t telling me about me. They were narrating their own wounds. Their history. Their fear. I just happened to be standing close enough to reflect it back.

    Because that’s what mirrors do. They don’t distort. They reveal.

    Eventually, I stopped defending myself. Stopped over-explaining. Stopped pleading to be understood by people who had already cast me in a role I didn’t choose.

    I just stood still. Reflected what I saw. Sometimes I might say, “You seem really bothered by what I just said—what’s that about?” Not because I’m better. Not because I’m more evolved. But because my gift is clarity. I see and name what’s real.

    I still ask for clarity—and that’s the reason for the question. But the question itself often raises awareness of that person’s own motivations, their own inner truth or knowing. Some people pause and reflect. Most don’t—or at least I don’t get to see it. And that’s okay with me.

    I don’t chase belonging anymore. I don’t shrink myself to fit.

    Because now I understand: this is my gift. I see clearly. I speak clearly.

    My clarity doesn’t always make people comfortable. But it’s mine. And I won’t abandon it anymore.

    Because I now know that when someone reacts strongly to me, it’s rarely about me at all. It’s about what my presence reflects. And I don’t need to defend against that—I just need to stay clear, stay kind, and stay me.

  • The Best Approach to Self-Care: How to Attend to Your Unmet Needs

    The Best Approach to Self-Care: How to Attend to Your Unmet Needs

    “Caring for your body, mind, and spirit is your greatest and grandest responsibility. It’s about listening to the needs of your soul and then honoring them.” ~Kristi Ling 

    There’s something I haven’t told many people. I kept it to myself because it clashed with my “identity” and the image I hoped to project (hello, ego!).

    I’ve been creating content and working in the spirituality and personal development fields for a number of years. Although I don’t strive to become like Buddha, there’s a part of me (call it my spiritual ego) that expects certain things of me, such as to remain at peace, content, and emotionally well-regulated most of the time. After all, isn’t it what meditating daily is supposed to do?

    Well, last year, I did not feel that content or peaceful. I felt quite depressed, and rarely did meditation make me feel better.

    So I turned to wine. Most evenings, I had a couple of glasses of wine (sometimes three or even four) to forget how bored and unhappy I was.

    “I’m a fraud,” I kept thinking while sipping on the red liquid.

    I tried other things (besides wine) to feel better that helped, like gratitude journaling and spending more time in nature. Although these things did improve my mood, there was still a void within me that even gratitude didn’t manage to fill.

    It was when I read an article about humanistic psychology and the use of Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs in therapy that I became aware of the real cause of my “wine habit”: unmet needs.

    “What do I really need?” I started asking myself every time the impulse to pour a glass of wine arose.

    At first, I’d still give in to the wine, probably out of habit. But eventually, using Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs as a guiding tool, I was able to identify which of my needs weren’t satisfied and what actions I needed to take to fulfill them.

    “That’s true self-care,” I thought.

    I realized that a self-care plan requires more than a checklist downloaded from Pinterest. It demands a life inventory, identifying our unmet needs, and taking the right actions to fulfill them.

    Simply put, a bubble bath isn’t the best solution for everyone or any issue.

    I’d like to share with you my new approach to self-care that aims to satisfy our deepest needs rather than providing short-lived comfort.

    Step 1: Become aware of your unmet needs.

    The first step is awareness. Although it’s not necessary to use Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs to identify what we want, it provides a helpful framework to guide our reflections.

    I recommend going through each level of the pyramid and taking the time to reflect on your life. A good way to do this is through journaling.

    Below are a few reflection questions for each category of needs to help you identify what’s missing in your life and may be preventing you from thriving.

    Physiological Needs

    These include basic physical needs like eating, drinking water, and sleeping. Self-care at this level comprises rest and giving our bodies the proper fuel and nutrients to function optimally. You could ask yourself:

    • Am I eating enough whole and nutritious food to nourish my body?
    • Do I feel rested when I wake up in the morning?
    • On a scale of 0-10, what’s my energy level most of the time?

    Although most of us have no issue feeding ourselves, a deficiency in rest and nutrients is fairly common. For example, after running a few blood tests, I discovered that my iron levels were too low, which explained my low energy. After supplementing for a few weeks, I started feeling better.

    Security and Safety Needs

    Safety includes income and job security, health, and the environment in which we live. Questions you could ask yourself are:

    • Do I have sufficient financial resources to sustain myself and feel comfortable?
    • Do I often feel stressed and anxious? Do I have tools to help me relax?
    • What’s the state of my physical, mental, and emotional health?
    • Overall, do I feel safe?

    Social Needs

    These are the needs for love, acceptance, and belonging, which include friendships, romantic love and intimacy, and family life.

    The void I felt in the past two or three years mostly came from unmet needs in this category. Several people I knew moved away, and my relationship with a partner ended. Plus, after a year of isolation, I forgot how to connect with people, and the idea of socializing almost gave me anxiety (even though that’s what I needed the most).

    Here are a few questions you could ask yourself to uncover unfulfilled needs in this category:

    • Are there people around me whom I can count on?
    • Do I feel accepted and supported by the people around me?
    • Do I regularly interact and bond with people, or do I often feel lonely?
    • Overall, are my relationships satisfying to me?

    Esteem Needs

    These are the needs for appreciation and respect, which include having a healthy sense of self-worth and feeling valued.

    I worked hard in my twenties and early thirties on improving my self-esteem, but I can still remember the destructive impact of low self-worth on my quality of life when I was younger. Self-esteem needs are foundational for having healthy relationships, taking care of our bodies, and pursuing our goals and dreams.

    Questions you could ask yourself are:

    • Do I feel appreciated at work, at home, and within my group of friends?
    • Is my self-talk mainly positive or negative?
    • Do I believe I have good qualities? Do others appreciate those qualities?
    • Overall, do I feel good about myself at work, at home, and in social circles?

    Self-Actualization Needs

    Maslow defined self-actualization as “fulfilling our potential.” It includes feeling a sense of purpose and growing and evolving as a person.

    For most of my life, I had “purpose anxiety.” Nowadays, living my purpose is one of the most important aspects of my life and what sustains me in difficult times.

    Doing what we love and using our gifts toward a vision that matters to us gives us fuel to move through challenges.

    You could ask yourself:

    • Do I feel like my life is meaningful and has a purpose?
    • Does the work I do fulfill me?
    • Am I using my skills and natural strengths in ways that are enjoyable to me?
    • Am I constantly growing and evolving?

    Self-Transcendence Needs

    Self-transcendence is about feeling connected to others and all life and acting accordingly. At this level, we have a desire for contribution, service, and impact. The need for a spiritual practice and connecting to a higher power are also part of self-transcendence.

    Questions you could ask yourself are:

    • Am I making a positive impact on others and the world?
    • Do I feel connected to others, nature, and perhaps a higher power?
    • Am I satisfied with my spiritual practice and/or the legacy I’m leaving?

    Leisure Needs

    I’ve added this category to the list because I believe play is another important contributing aspect to our well-being.

    A lack of fun and laughter can negatively impact our mental health—at least, that’s been my experience in the past few years. Along with unmet social needs, a lack of play was my biggest source of dissatisfaction. I had become overly serious and forgot how to have fun. I couldn’t even remember that last time I had laughed.

    Questions you could ask yourself are:

    • Do I have fun at work, at home, and in my free time?
    • How often do I laugh?

    Step 2: Identify what requires your immediate attention.

    After going through these questions, I rated each category of needs on a scale of 0 to 10, assigning 10 to the areas that most required my attention. For me, those areas were leisure and social needs.

    This meant that doubling down on my meditation practice or having a daily green smoothie would likely not be enough to break my “wine habit.” Or, better said, they weren’t what I truly needed.

    I needed to have more fun, laugh, and play. I needed to bond with people more, have deep and meaningful conversations, and expand my social circle.

    Once you’ve identified which of your needs aren’t fulfilled, you’re ready to brainstorm solutions.

    Step 3: Brainstorm ways to fulfill unmet needs.

    Once we know what’s “off,” we can think of ways to improve the situation.

    “How can I have more fun?” I asked myself.

    I reflected upon times when I had the most fun in the past and wrote those down. I also wrote any other ideas that came to mind, from watching funny dog videos to going to a comedy show. I made a list of ways to have more fun in my journal and made an effort to do at least a few of them every week.

    Step 4: Choose one small action and schedule it.

    After brainstorming, it’s time to take action. I recommend picking at least one idea on your list and scheduling it.

    A few weeks ago, I decided to attend a Kundalini yoga class followed by a dinner with the teacher and fellow students. It was an opportunity to meet new people.

    I knew that, as an introvert, the risk I would cancel at the last minute was high. Therefore, I immediately purchased the ticket and scheduled the class in my planner. I’m glad I did; I met new people, laughed, and had interesting conversations.

    Self-care activities are more likely to happen when we schedule them.

    . . .

    I could summarize this article with one question: “What do you really need?”

    Taking the time to make a life inventory, identify our unfulfilled needs, and then take action to satisfy them—that’s proper self-care.

    The difficulty is that, sometimes, we don’t even know what we need! I find Maslow’s Pyramid of Needs a helpful tool to guide our self-reflection.

    I hope it can help you too.

  • FREE Online MindBody Therapy Summit for Healing and Well-Being, June 2-6

    FREE Online MindBody Therapy Summit for Healing and Well-Being, June 2-6

    Hi friends! I’m excited to let you know about the MindBody Therapy Summit, a FREE online event, presented by the Embody Lab, that’s coming up next week.

    In this inspiring 5-day summit, running from June 2nd through June 6th, you’ll hear from some of the most impactful healers, teachers, and researchers at the intersection of wellness, spirituality, psychology, embodiment, and somatics.

    What Is MindBody Therapy?

    MindBody therapy helps us understand and shift what gets in the way of being free, happy, and fully alive.

    While traditional therapy focuses on verbal processing and cognitive meaning making, MindBody therapy invites us into the wisdom of our body as the intuitive place of healing and well-being.

    How Can This Event Help You?

    Blending traditional wisdom and embodiment practices with contemporary neuroscience and psychology, MindBody therapy supports healing and transformation while working with every aspect of an individual—psychological, psychical, spiritual, energetic, and social.

    Through methodologies such as Somatic Experiencing®, Hakomi, Body-Mind Centering®, Gestalt, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Integral Somatic Psychology, and many other body-oriented approaches to psychology, you’ll gain practical tools to connect with your body and your true self.

    Who Is This Summit For?

    The MindBody Therapy Summit is for you if:

    -You’re seeking knowledge about psychology, somatics, trauma therapy, plant medicine, attachment/intimacy work, internal family systems work, experiential developmental psychology, social/cultural justice and therapy, stress and resilience, and applied poly-vagal theory.

    -You feel like you’ve hit a wall in your talk therapy and you’re looking for a fresh perspective on healing.

    -You’re interested in incorporating somatic methods of healing into your daily practice.

    -You’re ready to fulfill the highest expression of yourself and bring a new dimension of joy into your life.

    -You’re looking to connect with like-minded people engaged in psychology, embodiment practices, and self-inquiry.

    If you’re ready to access a new level of healing and wholeness, click here to register for the MindBody Therapy Summit and get FREE access to all 5 days of inspiring talks. I hope you find them healing and transformative!