Tag: pretend

What I Really Mean When I Say I’m Fine (Spoiler: I’m Not)

“Tears are words that need to be written.” ~Paulo Coelho

It was lovely to see you today. I haven’t seen you in such a long time. So much has happened since the last time we saw each other.

You asked me how I was. I politely replied, “I’m fine” and forced a smile that I hoped would be believable. It must have worked. You smiled back and said, “I’m so glad to hear that. You look great.”

But I’m not really fine. I haven’t been fine for a very long time, and I wonder if I will ever know what “fine” actually feels like again.

Some days are good, some not so good. I’m doing my best to stay optimistic and to keep faith that tomorrow will be better. Sometimes it is, sometimes it’s worse. I’m never prepared for either outcome.

I’m doing my best to pretend I’m fine.

The mask I wear hides my pain very well. I’ve been wearing it for so long now that no one can see through it anymore. It’s my new face, and it smiles on demand.

Some days I wish I didn’t have to pretend to smile. I long for the day when it will come naturally, sincerely, and genuinely.

When I say I’m fine this is what I really mean…

I’m sad. I’m really having a hard time right now. I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think that you might even care. And maybe you do truly care. But I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to bother or burden anyone with my troubles.

My troubles are big and ugly. I can’t burden you with them. You are facing demons of your own. You don’t need to be exposed to mine. That would be so selfish of me. To think that your demons are not as important or debilitating as mine.

So I just tell you I’m fine. I’m protecting you when I say I’m fine. Because I’m afraid my pain is just more toxicity.

I want to tell you my troubles. I want you to take them away. I wish someone could fix everything that hurts, though I no one else can do that for me. Still, I wonder, does anyone have all the answers to these questions that are pounding in my head and causing me grief and anxiety?

Anyone?

There’s a tightness in my chest that won’t go away. There’s a darkness in the pit of my stomach that makes me nauseous. My shoulders feel weighted and my arms long for human touch. A body to wrap around tightly to comfort me and ensure me that everything will be okay.

My troubles have completely consumed my life.

Inside, I’m crying all the time. My soul is crushed, and my heart is full of holes that I’m desperately trying to patch up as best I can.

I’m full of anxiety inside, and no matter how hard I try to find peace, it eludes me. I feel there are a million demons inside of me, and I don’t know which one needs my attention the most.

So I ignore them all. It’s too much for me to bear most days.

When I say I’m fine I really wish you could hear my inner voice screaming, “I’m not fine, and I need help. Please stay and talk to me, comfort me, help make this overwhelming pain stop.” I want to say this to you. But I open my mouth, and “I’m fine” comes out instead.

I’m not really fine. I’m not sure how to handle today, and I fear what tomorrow may bring. It’s constant anxiety. I wish it would go away if only for a day.

I want to be fine, honest I do.

One day I would love to sincerely tell you how fine I am. That all my anxieties, worries, and fears are gone, or at least less overpowering. That I walk with a skip in my step and a song in my heart. I want to feel that. I may have felt this once before a long time ago, but I don’t really remember it.

Every day I’m doing my best to smile and make the day better. I’m thinking positively, I’m taking big deep breaths when I need to. I’m reading inspirational blogs and quotes. I’m even listening to guided meditations.

Today I went shopping and bought myself something nice. I know, a temporary fix. But it worked.

It all works. For the moment. And then the moment is gone, and it all comes flooding back. All the turmoil, the anguish, the anxiety, the pain. I breathe deeply again. And I’m okay for a few more minutes.

But for now, I’m doing my best. I know that everything in life is temporary. The good, the bad. Even life. It’s all temporary. If I can just get through today, I’ll be fine.

I’m doing my best to see the bright side. I can see it some days. But it doesn’t take away the turmoil brewing inside of me. It only masks it with a Band-Aid. A temporary fix.

Everything is just a temporary fix until I finally become brave enough to get to the bottom of my demons. I need to face them one at a time. I need to bring them to the surface, dust them off, address them, heal from them, and then let them go.

This I know. But it’s such a daunting task. Just thinking about doing that is overwhelming and causes me a great deal of anxiety. I know it’s up to me to be able to say, “I’m fine” and really mean it.

One day I will. When I feel strong enough to do so. Until then, I may say I’m fine when I’m really not. But I will try to find the courage to say, “Actually, I’m sad,” even though I know you don’t have a magic wand to take all my troubles away.

Maybe just opening up and letting you support me will help. Maybe if I stop painting a smile on my face and telling you “I’m fine, really I am,” one day soon I will be.

June 27, 2021
If You Want to Be Happy, Stop Pretending

“If you want to be happy, don’t do something you don’t like. Don’t say something you don’t mean. Pretending and lying to yourself will only breed unhappiness.” ~Michael Lee

Do you like your job? Do you love your partner? Are you happy? You may answer yes to these questions, but is that what you believe deep down?

Most of us go through life pretending rather than living. We find it easier to tell ourselves that we feel good about something or someone than to admit we don’t. After all, contentment doesn’t require action. By convincing ourselves we’re happy when we’re not, we avoid the difficult decisions that would be necessary to change our current situation.

If we pretend everything is fine, there’s no need to quit that job we hate. We don’t have to contend with all the risks, fears, and potential disapproval we might face from friends, loved ones, and colleagues if we leave it behind.

We don’t have to tell our partner that we aren’t in love with him or her anymore or that we aren’t happy in our relationship.

We don’t have to swallow our pride and ask for help when we need it because, hey, everything is just fine!

We can simply smile and keep pretending.

We try very hard to pretend everything is fine in our lives while knowing deep down that this couldn’t be further from the truth. We spend so much time trying to conform to society and the expectation of those around us that we lose the ability to listen to our hearts.

Is it really necessary to ask ourselves if we like our job or still love our spouse or partner? Do we really have to ask ourselves whether we’re happy? The truth is, something inside of us already knows the answer. More often than not, the answer lies in the fact that we have to ask the question in the first place. When we’re genuinely happy, we know. And when we aren’t, we know that, too.

It doesn’t take much courage to go through life pretending everything is all right. Exposing our true selves, fully embracing our deepest desires, and facing our fears, however, requires a tremendous amount.

In all honesty, I spent many years of my life pretending. I told myself that I was happy with my job, despite knowing from the very first day that it wasn’t the right fit for me. I pretended to agree with everyone around me to avoid the risk of rejection and disapproval.

In a way, I’ve even pretended to be shy. I’m a natural introvert, certainly. But at the same time, being shy was very convenient for me. At many times, it was a means to stay quiet, avoid risks, and maintain the illusion that I was better than I really was.

After spending so much time hiding my true self, I finally reached a point where I’d had enough of it. Enough of being fake, enough of superficial relationships, enough of trying to be liked and seeking the approval of others. Enough!

It was then that I made up my mind: I would stop pretending.

I didn’t want to have fake relationships where people liked me for something I’m not because I was too scared to show them the real me.

I didn’t want to play it safe during a date for fear of failing to give the correct answer or saying the wrong thing and ruining everything. We all want to be loved, but if we’re on a date with someone who is hyper-analyzing every little thing we do, waiting for an opportunity to reject us, how could they possibly be the right match?

Even if that strategy works, aren’t we running the risk of ending up in a lackluster relationship with the wrong person by pretending to be someone we aren’t?

It’s easier to pretend than to be truly honest with ourselves, but what’s the point? It comes with a steep price.

If I pretend my current job is satisfying, what are the chances that I will make the necessary changes to create a fulfilling career that will bring meaning to my life?

If I pretend to be happy in a relationship when my true feelings clearly say something else, how can I improve my relationship?

If I’m constantly trying to be someone I am not, how can I create meaningful relationships with people who would have loved me if only I had given them a chance to know who I really am?

I wanted my relationships with others to be meaningful, profound, and emotionally rewarding. I didn’t want to constantly analyze every word that crosses my mind, and handpick only those that will earn me the approval of the person I’m speaking to.

I wanted to be able to say that I hated something even when everyone around me loved it. As a French person living in Japan, I wanted to be able to admit that I have no interest in French literature even when everybody expected me to. I wanted to be able to say that I know nothing about wine and can’t eat cheese.

I wanted to freely admit that I couldn’t remember much about the movie my friends are discussing. When asked about my hobbies, I wanted to say with excitement that I love learning rather than murmuring “I like watching movies and listening to music” or something like that.

These days, I’m being honest, showing the real me, and saying what’s true for me.

When working on a new project that required me to navigate between spreadsheets most of the time, I told the client that I wasn’t good at using Excel due to my lack of experience with it. In the past, I would have hidden that fact, felt bad about it for days or even weeks, and blamed myself for “not being good enough.”

During parties, I have no qualms admitting that I hate my job and can’t wait to quit. In the past, I would have pretended I liked it just to fit in with everyone else.

I’ve openly shared my passion with people I’ve just met, discussed the business I’m currently working on, and even talked about how I envision my future. In the past, I would have remained quiet.

And yes, I have unapologetically stated the fact that I don’t like cheese!

I’ve been saying these things for a while, so it isn’t exactly a new accomplishment for me. What is new, however, is how I feel about saying and doing these things.

I once felt guilt and shame over it, but those feelings have dissipated. At some point, I stopped feeling bad for not liking cheese. I stopped apologizing for not enjoying my job, and I stopped blaming myself for not knowing how to use Excel. That was even more freeing than speaking my mind and staying true to myself!

In short, I went from qualifying and explaining my honest statements to saying the truth as is, without all the unnecessary comments that I would usually add to it. I stopped apologizing for being me and stopped feeling bad about myself because of things that cannot be changed.

Pretending is costly, although it is not money we give away, but rather peace of mind and happiness.

Fortunately, we always have a choice. We can keep pretending everything is okay, refuse to take any risks, and settle for an okay relationship, a mediocre job, and a run-of-the-mill life. Or we can make a decision to accept ourselves as we truly are, embrace our fear and discomfort, and give ourselves a chance to create a meaningful relationship both with ourselves and others.

It might be time for you to stop pretending and start being truly honest with yourself. Otherwise, you could miss a chance to find a career that leaves you excited to wake up every morning and meet people who love you for who you are, not for who you pretend to be.

March 22, 2017
Unbecoming Who You Are and Embracing Your True Self

“View your life with kindsight. Stop beating yourself up about things from your past. Instead of slapping your forehead and asking, ‘What was I thinking,’ breathe and ask yourself the kinder question, ‘What was I learning?’” ~Karen Salmonsohn

I’ve never been particularly risk adverse.

If you asked my friends or family, they’d tell you I’d be the first person to try something new and challenging. I did things in my twenties with very little thought about the consequences and dove headlong into many situations without batting an eyelid.

Except, I was avoiding one thing and that was the real me. Each time I signed up for the latest challenge, I upped and moved home for the fifteenth time, or I jumped into a new relationship thinking this would be “the one,” I carried one huge secret with me.

That secret was my overwhelming fear of being vulnerable.

I know what you are thinking: “How could I take so many risks, dare to do what other people couldn’t, without being vulnerable?”

It was easy, the whole time I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I wore a mask—a mask of someone who pretended to be adventurous, who lived by the seat of her pants, to make herself look interesting, and who in the end couldn’t pretend any more.

When you try so hard to be someone you’re not, you lose sight of yourself. You end up doing things to please other people, resulting in living by their expectations. In the end, you become what they want you to be, which can lead anyone down the wrong path to self-destruction.

I didn’t love myself enough to say, “No, this isn’t me” or “No, I won’t do that because that’s not what I want to do.” I just didn’t feel worthy enough to make my own decisions, to be happy with who I was, so I lived in fear never showing my true self.

Being vulnerable was opposite to who I was. It mean showing myself to the world, even those bits I didn’t like. It meant expressing my true feelings and taking risks, even with no guarantees. When it came to risking it all in love, I just couldn’t do it.

Then one day I couldn’t pretend anymore. I remember the moment: I was sitting on my bed crying, I was in yet another disastrous relationship, I was doing a job that sucked the very life out of me, I didn’t have the right people around me, and I was heading for a future of more fear.

It had to stop now, so I did just that.

I took off the mask. I ended the relationship, I quit my job, I sold nearly everything I owned, and I moved back home to my mother’s house. I knew I had to start over from scratch, to be reborn and learn how to be me again.

I started exploring what really made me tick, what I was passionate about and what I loved to do. I ended friendships, I moved away from negative environments, and I worked hard at taking care of myself. I had to become “undone” to do that, to go back to basics and start again.

It wasn’t easy. It has been a lonely journey at times and very painful, but I’ve come out the other side and I have to say I’ve never been happier. I’ve found a side to myself I never knew existed. I am creative, I am passionate, I am happy to be me, and, most of all, I am single and proud of it.

Here are a few things I had to do to do to get me to this point and what I have learned.

It’s possible to be single and happy.

It’s funny, but each time I ended a relationship I always felt a sense of release, like it was always meant to be that way. I guess for years I thought that I had to have someone else to be happy, yet it turns out that it’s not my only avenue for joy and purpose.

Since I got single, I’ve learned to love myself. I rely on myself and I no longer look to others to decide my future.

It’s gotten to the point where I am so focused on my own life that I don’t think I’d have time right now for a partner. The main thing is I that I learned to be happy without being in a relationship, and when it does happen, it will be because it’s right.

Singleness can be celebrated, as it allows us to truly reconnect with who we really are and uncover who we were all along.

Sometimes we need to go back to our roots.

I chose to go back home because it just seemed right. I had no money, my mum was happy to have me back, and I knew it would give me time to work out what I wanted to do with my life.

I still feel this way today, now six months on, but it hasn’t been easy. Old feelings have come up, past resentments and disagreements.

But what has been most apparent is the reflecting I have done about my relationship with my mum and myself. It has taught me that trying to change people is fruitless, and that if a situation is going to change, it’s up to me and how I respond to it.

We don’t all need to move back home, but sometimes we need to go back to our roots to move forward. When we heal old wounds, forgive, and let go of the past, we create space for transformation to occur.

Loneliness can be the beginning of true connection.

I didn’t choose to be lonely; it just happened. I had no money, so I had to decide where my priorities were—and spending the money I didn’t have on nights out or other such frivolous things weren’t at the top of the list!

I had to turn down many an invite out with friends, and the more I did that, the fewer people asked until in the end I never went out.

That period of time was my lowest point. I’d never felt that lonely, but it taught me so many things. It taught me about those who were there for me, and those who weren’t. It taught me about how I dealt with those feelings, to rely on myself more; yet, in the same breath, it also spurred me on to find other people who got me and accepted the person I was becoming.

I believe that the people we meet come into our lives to teach us things about ourselves. Some stay for the long haul, while others come and then go just as fast. Being lonely is never easy, but if you decide that it’s not forever and it’s all part of the process, then you’ll be at peace with it.

Today, I still live at home. I am still gloriously single, but now I hardly ever get lonely. I am still on this journey, except now I am no longer unbecoming who I was; I am finally becoming the person I was all along.

—

If you feel that you’ve been pretending for too long, fitting in with those around you, perhaps now is the time to take some steps to change that, to un-become who you are.

My steps where mine alone, they may not be for you. They were, however, the best things I have done, and I am grateful for that.

Woman and reflection image via Shutterstock

October 6, 2014
Peeling Back the Mask: Reconnect With Your Authentic Self
“You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You can find yourself by coming into the present.” ~Eckhart Tolle

It was 3PM on a Wednesday and I had nothing to do. An empty schedule with limitless potential.

I was miles from home in the freezing fog of San Francisco. The bustle of traffic reminded me of my hectic life back home, but I wasn’t bothered. I had nowhere to be and nobody to answer to, just like the day before and the next day. I was free.

I brought my favorite travel companion along with me to aid in my journey of self-discovery: me. Not the busy Account-Manager-me. My true self.

Last year was painful for me. Like many others, I found myself ebbing and flowing with the tide that is the nine-to-five. Living for the weekend so I could escape the grind and live outside the snow globe even if just for a moment.

Life is more than clocking in and out with dead eyes and a slack jaw while counting the milliseconds as they fade toward your Friday night. I’m on this earth to be—not to be someone else for a paycheck.

In recognizing that I needed a vacation, I downed a bottle of wine and booked a two-week trip to my city by the bay. Fourteen days of sweet liberation.

Maybe you can relate to my reality.

Back home, Rebecca in accounting is a constant complainer. She brings you down like an iron pair of boots. You’ve got to grin and bear it because she processes your expense reports and you see her every day. You’ve gotten so adept at feigning interest that you’re losing sight of what’s underneath the mask.

Rebecca gets the sympathy mask. Your boss gets the I’m-passionate-about-my-job mask. Jackie in distribution gets the I-like-politics-because-you-like-politics mask. We wear whichever we have to in order to make things easier. Nathaniel Hawthorne said it best:

“No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.” ~The Scarlet Letter

Two psychological terms stand out as they relate to being someone you’re not: cognitive dissonance and the act of compartmentalization.

They go together like a cerebral peanut butter and jelly sandwich. To understand our challenges, we must first define them. Enter Merriam-Webster:

Cognitive Dissonance: Psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously

Compartmentalization: Isolation or splitting off of part of the personality or mind with lack of communication and consistency between the parts

When was the last time you spent an entire day doing exactly what you wanted to do? Said exactly what you wanted to say? You have a belief system, a rule set. Stuffing these things in a box and being someone else makes you exactly that. Someone else. This is compartmentalization.

It’s a defense mechanism to combat the cognitive dissonance you feel when you have conflicting personalities—when there’s a difference between who you are and who you become in certain situations.

When faced with a challenging situation, a compartmentalized person has to decide how to act. Quelling the reaction most natural to their authentic self, they respond inauthentically because they’ve developed a completely separate personality.

We must be mindful of who we really are—and we get to decide who that is.

“We are our thoughts” isn’t just Eastern voodoo wisdom. The word “brainwashing” has a negative connotation, so let’s call it brain painting. Painting your mind with things you love is a surefire way to become a happy you. This is nothing more than surrounding yourself with people, books, subjects, and thoughts that make you smile. Be selective and consistent with what you allow in.

It’s important to take time to foster your own well-being in a world that demands so much. Almost two thousand years ago, stoic philosophers like Seneca and Marcus Aurelius told us to retire into ourselves. Frequent self-examination has been a practice for thousands of years.

Being comfortable with and conscious of what you find is the definition of knowing who you are. Constantly look within and connect with your mask-less you. We can nurture our inner authenticity by being mindful every day.
- Meditate. You don’t have to have an Om tattoo and a stick of incense to find a quiet place to look inside. Take a twenty-minute vacation inside your own soul. Be cognizant of what you find.
- Observe. Take a walk and leave your phone at home. Look at everything around you with child’s eyes. Notice the beauty in the trees or the vastness of space. Be a living part of your surroundings.
- Create. Doodle something while your coffee brews in the morning. Take a few minutes to write something meaningful. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as it comes from your own creativity. Exercise your mind, amigo. You’ll be surprised at how out of shape its gotten.
Traveling solo isn’t an escape. It’s a small opportunity to delete distraction. Lucius Seneca said, “All of your problems are with you.” Running away from them is impossible. But we can, for a time, run away inside our own soul.

I spent my favorite day in San Francisco walking through the residential Noe Valley and Dolores Heights. A simple stroll down sidewalk after sidewalk, without a boss barking orders or my phone buzzing with e-mails. Just me and my smile to enjoy the cool breeze.

It wasn’t so much the city I enjoyed, as it was the chipping away at my mask. Each footstep, a small victory at finding myself underneath it all. I remembered not who I was, but who I am.

Though I’m back to the doldrum routine of my everyday life, I’m still the same human I was in San Francisco. Underneath the demands of a challenging career lies the same person that wandered those sidewalks so many weeks ago. A smiling nomad. He who digs coffee shops. The one who loves wine.

We have the tools and presence of mind to make our journey for authenticity a daily practice. Recognizing when we’ve strayed from our true selves is the first step to staying the course. No one can be you better than you can. Look inside, befriend yourself, and be free.

Photo by Frank Kovalchek
March 20, 2014