Tiny Buddha

Tag: powerful

  • Where Our Strength Comes from and What It Means to Be Strong

    Where Our Strength Comes from and What It Means to Be Strong

    “Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you thought you couldn’t.” ~Rikki Rogers

    A friend recently asked me: Andi, where does your strength come from?

    It took me a while before I had a good enough answer for her. I sat contemplating the many roads I’ve traveled, through my own transformational journey and the inspirational journeys of all my clients who demonstrate incredible strength for me.

    I moved to a different country, alone, at eighteen years old and have changed careers, battled a complex pain diagnosis with my child, and lost loved ones. I am now living through a global pandemic, like all of us, and most recently, I am recovering from a traumatic, unexpected surgery. Life has many surprises for us, indeed.

    So where does strength really come from?

    I wish I knew the precise answer to this question so that I could share the secret sauce with you right now, and you could have full access to all the strength you’ll ever need to achieve whatever it is that you really want. (Even the deeply challenging stuff and the tremendously scary stuff. All of it.)

    I do know this:

    Strength is a personal measurement for a truly unique, subjective experience. It’s entirely up to you to decide what strong means for you.

    And I also know this…

    Strength comes from doing hard things. It comes from showing up despite the pain or fear and going through the struggle, the endurance, and then building on that, to keep going forward and upward.

    Strength comes from taking the time to notice and acknowledge what you have managed to do and accomplish until now. So much of the time we go through things without realizing what massive effort something took, and we minimize the entire experience because we only focus on the end result and not the process.

    Strength comes from paying close attention to the small but significant steps and wins and incremental gains along the way. Strength comes from tracking progress and celebrating it one tiny bit at a time.

    Strength comes from within—from moments of activating your highest faith and belief. Knowing why you do what you do, even when it’s not easy.

    Strength comes from aligning with your core values and living with integrity even when no one is watching, and you aren’t in the mood. When we connect to what truly matters to us, we are stronger. When we believe there is a bigger plan and are hopeful about an outcome, we feel stronger. Even if we don’t know why.

    Strength comes from without—by surrounding ourselves with people who lift us up and see our worth, even when we sometimes forget. It comes from choosing to envelop yourself with kindness, inspiration, motivation, and gratitude. It comes from selecting role models and learning from them. It comes from seeing ourselves through others’ eyes—especially those who see our greatness and light when all we see is our flaws, weaknesses, and shortcomings.

    Strength comes from grabbing lessons and blessings, often dressed up as awful mistakes and painful failures.

    Strength comes from collecting moments you are genuinely proud of and taking the time to truly recognize these events for what they are and what they enabled you to accomplish. Don’t overlook them. You get to use these strengths in countless ways and in other areas of your life as much as you want to.

    Strength comes from knowing yourself. As you begin to discover and unmask more of you, you get to make choices that honor more of you, and you get to live your purpose and be more of who you really are. When we know better, we do better.

    The strongest people I know have had insurmountable trials. They know what to say yes to and how to say no. They know how to be proud of themselves with humility and honesty. They know how to pick their circles wisely and accept help, compliments, and advice.

    The strongest people I know cry a lot and feel everything.

    The strongest people I know are the kindest.

    The strongest people I know have wells of inner resources that are invisible to the naked eye.

    The strongest people I know can say sorry and forgive others.

    The strongest people I know can forgive themselves.

    The strongest people I know fall down hard, and slowly, with every ounce of courage, bravery, and might, find a way to get back up again, battered, bruised, and aching.

    The strongest people I know have incredible hearts that expand wider with each hurdle.

    The strongest people I know have endured so much and yet still find their smile to light up the world for others.

    The strongest people I know teach me every single day how to try and be just a little bit stronger myself.

  • Angry People, Loving People

    Angry People, Loving People

    Background - frame with American Indian traditional patterns

    Source: Gratitude Habitat

  • I’m Not Broken, and Neither Are You

    I’m Not Broken, and Neither Are You

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” ~Marianne Williamson

    I used to have this secret habit of flipping through the DSM—The Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders—and diagnosing myself with every disorder in the book.

    Reading over the criteria for borderline personality disorder, cigarette in hand and eyes wide open, I scanned the diagnosis criteria.

    Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment? Check. Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships? Check. Unstable self-image? Check. Impulsivity that’s self-damaging? Check. Suicidal behaviour? Check. Unstable moods? Check. Chronic feelings of emptiness? Check. Inappropriate and intense anger? Check. Paranoia? Check.

    Oh my god.

    I thought that was an uncanny description of me, until I found antisocial personality disorder.

    Failure to conform to social norms? Yup. Doing things that are grounds for arrest? Regularly. Deceitfulness? Impulsivity? Failure to plan ahead? Oh yes. Irritability? Aggression? Reckless disregard for safety? Lack of remorse?

    Oh my god.

    That seemed spot-on, but nothing, and I mean nothing, compared to when I first read about post-traumatic stress disorder.

    Exposure to traumatic event? Yes. Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive memories? Oh god, yes. Traumatic nightmares? All the time. Flashbacks? Yes. Avoidance of trauma-related stimuli? Yes! Feeling alienated from others? Persistent negative beliefs about self? Persistent negative emotions? Distorted memory and feelings of blame?

    Oh my god.

    After a few years, I added body dysmorphic disorder, substance use disorder, occasional episodes of manic disorder, and constant rotations between bulimia and EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise classified).

    Admittedly, some of those diagnoses should really have cancelled each other out, but I was more interested in collecting diagnoses like some would collect stamps than achieving medical accuracy.

    All of my self-imposed labels gave me a strange kind of soothing feeling. They affirmed something I already believed, deeply, within me: I was broken. I was in a state of disorder. There was something wrong with me.

    In my scourings, I avoided certain disorders like the plague. Anxiety, for example, and depression. Anxiety didn’t seem like a very “cool” thing to have and depression just didn’t seem plausible because I was so violently self-destructive, never stopping to rest for a moment unless I got infected with mono or West Nile meningitis (both of which actually happened).

    To an onlooker, these things might have seemed like ploys for attention or misguided attempts at impersonating Hollywood. But, truly, these self-diagnoses stayed more private than many of my tortured war stories. They were something personal. They were just for me.

    Looking back, I realize that the fuel behind my self-diagnosing was an obsessive, perpetual drive to find the answer to a question I couldn’t avoid for more than a few hours at a time: “What’s wrong with me?”

    What was wrong with me, I liked to think, was childhood-trauma-induced permanent damage that, in mixing with my apparently high IQ, had created a sort of “Dr. House” complex within me, making me irreparably and irrevocably screwed up.

    That was a nice story, but it didn’t satisfy the question. A question like “What’s wrong with me?” isn’t just some domestic house cat in the mind. It won’t sit quietly and patiently for most of the day, becoming vocal only if it isn’t fed for too long.

    No, a question like that is a wild, ferocious, insatiable beast that rips into anything and everything in its path, killing simply for the sake of the kill, feeding constantly and ceaselessly on anything that smells like nourishment.

    What was wrong with me?

    By the time I made it to age twenty-three, there were so many answers.

    What was wrong with me?

    The stretch marks all over my body. The pimples on my skin, my back. The little hair growing an inch above my nipple. The moles on my upper back. The fat all over my body.

    What was wrong with me?

    The way I blushed at the drop of a hat. The way I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing when other people did. The way I made jokes that weren’t funny to anyone but me. The way my upper lip twitched when I was nervous.

    What was wrong with me?

    How I had absolutely zero ability to be sexy or act sexy without alcohol, feeling frozen and ugly if anyone ever saw me naked. How I had flashbacks, nightmares, and hallucinations I told close to no one about. How I drank alone.

    How I just couldn’t seem to sustain happiness and, even when I tasted joy for a second, soon enough the drugs would wear off and I’d be right back where I started, wishing for a freedom I wasn’t sure was real.

    All of my happiness, for about ten years, was induced by chemicals and co-dependence. I thought what was wrong with me was that I couldn’t feel happy without buying it or begging for it. I thought I was just that kind of person. I thought it would always be that way.

    I’d love to tell you that I was afraid of being broken and damaged, afraid that past emotional trauma had rendered me dysfunctional, afraid that I was different from other people. Of course, that’s what I used to say and that’s a nice story, but I know now that it was all a big lie.

    You know what I was really terrified of?

    Deep inside of me, there was the awareness that, even if I fit every symptom in the book, I had no excuse to live half a life. Somewhere in there I knew I wasn’t really broken. I was terrified of what my responsibilities would be if I allowed myself to be, truly, whole.

    When I was an addict, a victim, a diagnosis, I had no responsibility to anyone. If your neck is severed and bleeding, you can hardly be expected to open doors for people and make the world a better place.

    Like this, I dodged the responsibility to discover my skills and talents, to serve people, to do something meaningful in the world—all by playing broken.

    Of course, it wasn’t all a giant act. I had been abused. I had been raped. I had been an addict. I had horrible body image issues. I heard voices. I hated myself. Yes, those things were “wrong,” but so is a paper cut. And your body will do its best to heal the paper cut with no further intervention from you, if you let it.

    Yes, I’d been broken, but I didn’t have to keep being broken. For fear of my own greatness, I put bandages on my wounds, letting them grow necrotic for lack of oxygen. I never wanted to get better; I just wanted to get pity, because I was too scared to ask for love. I kept myself sick for fear of my own health.

    I’ll tell you right now that my fear wasn’t unjustified. Now that I’m not playing small anymore, I have more responsibilities than I ever have. I’m trusted with people’s most painful memories, with their deepest secrets, with the chance to support them when they’re on the brink of hurting themselves or others.

    Yes, the responsibility is there, but it’s not the horror show I imagined it would be. I think the only reason I ran from it was because I was so weak from keeping myself broken that I couldn’t imagine how much energy I’d have to help people when I allowed myself to be whole.

    I couldn’t have imagined how fulfilling it is to spread love, give love, be love instead of scrounging for tiny little pieces of approval and acceptance like a thief in the night.

    From what I’ve seen of myself and of people, I believe, without condition, that no one is irreparably broken. In fact, no one is broken. Is having a paper cut broken? Of course not. From the moment you get a cut, you’re already healing.

    And that’s what I believe. I believe we’re all already healing, no matter how great our pain or how serious the offenses against us. We’re built to heal, we’re already healing, and we can all experience this amazing life process—if only we’d get out of the way.

  • Stop Feeling Powerless and Start Powerfully Creating Your Life

    Stop Feeling Powerless and Start Powerfully Creating Your Life

    On Top of the World

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Some might say I was a late bloomer. I only discovered how powerful I really was at twenty-nine.

    My childhood and teenage years were horrific; I was severely bullied from when I first walked through the school gates to when I left for the last time. In my early formative years I was laughed at, verbally abused, and completely socially isolated.

    I was the equivalent of a lepper. No one wanted to be my friend for fear they would “catch” what I had and be bullied themselves. My parents moved me from school to school with the hope that I would be given a fresh start, free from torment.

    The bullying continued. Eventually, I stopped telling my parents, as I could see it was visibly upsetting them. I felt utterly powerless to stop the torture for my entire school life.

    At twenty-nine I discovered that those childhood scars were actually open wounds. Two years prior I had been engaged to my long-term boyfriend, who was mentally abusive and controlling, but because that was all I knew, I was completely unaware that the relationship—and him—were toxic. Soon after we married his behavior became much worse.

    I felt as if there was no escape; after all, marriage was supposed to be forever. I rapidly fell into a deep depression. At my worst point I confided in my parents and they paid for me to go to arguably one of the best facilities in the world.

    Suddenly, there I was attending assertiveness and self-esteem classes. I was learning about what my personal rights were and how to protect them. I stopped focusing on what was happening to me and instead focused on what was within my power—what I could personally do about it.

    And before I knew it, I changed from being powerless to powerful. Reflecting back, this shift was by no means accidental, there were three universal steps I took that can transport absolutely anyone from a powerless state into a powerful one.

    Step 1: Emotional detox: speak up!

    My ex had imposed his opinions on me for years prior to my breakdown. Through his abusive behavior he taught me that my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and feelings just didn’t count. Eventually, this caused my self-esteem to plummet, which led to my depression.

    One of the most valuable things I learned while receiving treatment was that my thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and feelings were significant and mattered just as much as anyone else’s! They taught me to speak up in a way that was both respectful and considerate but also communicated my inherent worth.

    Have you ever decided to put off a difficult conversation or chosen not to speak up when someone hurt you? If so, speaking up more often will act as an emotional detox and will serve to boost your self-esteem and confidence.

    Most importantly of all, speaking up communicates to others you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect, the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.

    The next time you are faced with a difficult situation:

    • Acknowledge what the person has said
    • State the facts using neutral language
    • State the impact it has had on you
    • State what you want in future

    If words fail you at first, simply plan what you want to say before your next meeting. Once you begin speaking up more often, you will transform from feeling powerless to powerful.

    Step 2: Get crystal clear.

    One of the first things I did in recovery was to do a life audit. I broke my life down into eight areas and rated each area, one being unfulfilling and ten being amazing, with no room for improvement.

    1. Work
    2. Finances
    3. Time and Productivity
    4. Body and Health
    5. Hobbies and Interests
    6. Relaxation
    7. Family and Friends
    8. Romance

    I started to think about what my life would look like if all the areas scored a ten. What sort of job would I have? Would I take more time to relax?

    Before conducting my life audit I had forgotten I could change the status quo. I had failed to realize how powerful I really was! For the first time in ages I was actually excited for what my future held.

    By getting crystal clear on what you want you will move to being in the driving seat of your life, a very powerful position indeed.

    Step 3: Plan ahead.

    Once I was crystal clear I began thinking about a plan to get me from where I was to where I wanted to be.

    One of my main aims was to write a novel. I knew this was a hefty goal and would require detailed planning, so I began brainstorming how I could become a better creative writer. I bought the best creative writing textbooks and dedicated one hour a day to working through them.

    Meanwhile, I signed up for a beginner’s creative writing course and researched more advanced courses for the future. Finally, I decided to take private grammar lessons after which I would begin writing my first draft.

    As my example proves when planning ahead it is critical to make your plans SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timescaled).

    The more specific your plans are, the more realistic your expectations will be in terms of what is required to achieve success. I also measured my progress every six months and updated my goal accordingly to keep it as SMART as possible.

    When planning ahead, it’s vital to design a plan that is achievable, as this will impact your motivation. For example, I found engaging in creative writing for one hour a day totally achievable.

    Unsurprisingly, creating realistic plans is key. This doesn’t mean thinking small but rather being honest about the level of hard work, commitment, and time involved and whether that is an investment you are willing to make.

    When working out a timescale, look at others who have reached your goal and how long it took them. Your timescale should require you to stay productive and focused in order to reach your interim deadlines. At a core foundational level, this step had the most impact upon how powerful I felt by far.

    What are the dreams you desire most that you could start working toward today?

    —

    My life looks a lot different these days. The scars from my bullying have finally healed, I’m happily divorced, I have two diplomas behind me, I’ve gotten my driving license, and I’m working through my forty before forty bucket list.

    In life we all face challenges (that’s something that will never change), but what has changed for me is that I now face new challenges with confidence.

    Since I started speaking up, getting crystal clear, and planning ahead, I know I will approach challenges with dignity by focusing on what’s within my control. I still have my off days, but when they arise I remind myself that no one is perfect and tomorrow is a fresh opportunity to speak up and work toward my goals.

    The many years I spent asking “Why me?” taught me that we hugely underestimate how powerful we really are.

    In practice shifting from “Why me?” to an empowered position takes consistent effort.

    It’s like climbing a tall mountain; there are challenges along the way, but when you reach the peak the rewards are immediate and most of the hard work is behind you.

    Having said that, the descent still requires skill. It’s important to choose your steps carefully. By approaching life’s challenges consciously, you can avoid most of the rough terrain and ensure a smoother journey.

    Man on top of mountain image via Shutterstock

  • 28 Powerful Questions for a Happy Life

    28 Powerful Questions for a Happy Life

    “Keep your head clear. It doesn’t matter how bright the path is if your head is always cloudy.” ~Unknown

    Have you ever noticed that your biggest “aha” moment comes from someone asking a powerful question? Suddenly everything seems to make a little more sense, and you know what you need to do from that point forward, right?

    That’s exactly how it is for me. Someone will ask me a seemingly trivial question and bam! I’m suddenly overflowing with answers, emotions, solutions—I’m practically made of clarity!

    I remember a friend of mine asking me over coffee one rainy afternoon a few years ago, “What are you avoiding, Blake?”

    “What? Nothing. I mean, I guess I don’t want it to fail,” I eventually replied.

    “Yeah, and…” she quipped back. “What happens then?”

    I came to her because her willingness to face challenges head-on amazes me, and I needed her to face my challenge and give me that sage advice I knew she could. I wanted to leave corporate America and venture out on my own, and I wanted her to somehow make that sounds less crazy.

    I wanted to throw caution to the wind and follow what I most passionately believed in.

    I wanted to be my own success story.

    I also wanted someone else to tell me it was going to work.

    Calculating, weighing, analyzing—these things can only take you so far. I subconsciously needed something to get me out of my head and into some clarity. I needed that push.

    We bounced back and forth for what seemed like eternity. When most people have conversations like this, one party inevitably snaps out of the pattern and either says something oddly profound, or simply gets frustrated and tells the other to bugger off.

    I was lucky enough to receive the former rather than the latter.

    “When do you stop calculating risk and rewards and just do it?” she asked. “Because it feels like you’re building a magnificent ship you’re too much of a baby to ever sail. What are more committed to, dreaming it or doing it?”

    Holy cow, I was stunned. She was right. What was I more committed to? What a brilliant question. (more…)

  • A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power

    A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power

    “You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

    Have you ever stopped to think about your definition of fear?

    As my dear friend Mr. Webster states, fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”

    Simply put, I disagree with this definition of fear.

    My definition of fear goes something like this….

    “An opportunity for self discovery and self growth; a well of untapped personal power and strength; the gateway from wishing and wanting to doing and being.”

    Yes, fear can be a drag, and there are certain situations and life-threatening circumstances that stir up a whole slew of fear that I would never wish upon any one.

    But there’s another spectrum of fear that comes from within and the culprit is often our very own “monkey mind” and self-worth. Most likely, it’s this very fear that is holding you back from living the wildly successful, abundant, joy-filled life that you crave and oh-so deserve!

    I never really thought about fear before, but last year I decided to take the entrepreneurial plunge and it opened a whole new can of worms for me. This is when my relationship with my personal forms of fear took flight.

    I was fearful that I wasn’t smart enough to run my own business, my skills and knowledge weren’t as strong as my business partners’ skills, I didn’t have enough experience to prove to potential clients that I know what I’m talking about—and why would someone want to listen to what I have to say?

    The list of crazy thoughts and irrational fears that surfaced for me over this past year are endless. And guess what? I now realize that they are not true.

    As I typed that last sentence I had a smile of relief cross my face, because I now realize that my fears aren’t me, and they don’t control me anymore.

    The truth is, for most of us, fear is present on a regular basis, but the form that it chooses to present itself in is constantly changing. Maybe you experience anxiety, a deep nervousness, confusion, lack of motivation, uncertainty, or something unidentifiable deep within.

    Chances are, you’re experiencing fear on a magnitude of levels and in multiple forms all at once. (Fear is sneaky like that! It’s always showing up in disguise to try to trick you!) (more…)