Tag: power

A Simple Trick to Feel Less Anxious and More Confident

“Nothing in the affairs of men is worthy of great anxiety.” ~Plato

A few weeks ago, I was standing in front of a mirror in the women’s bathroom at work.

I could feel the cold sweat down my spine and was angry for not being able to gain a better control of myself. I attempted everything in the book—took deep breaths, closed my eyes, tried to calm down, counted slowly to fifty.

No change.

My anxiety was still running high, my pulse was rushing, and I looked as a frightened little bird trapped in a cage. The occasion? An executive meeting that I was supposed to lead and pitch an idea to the company’s CEO about ways to achieve efficiency and save some money.

No biggie, some would say. In fact, many people would thrive at the opportunity to make themselves visible to the highest levels of leadership. I wish I were one of those thrill-loving extroverts.

As an introvert, though, I shy away from being the centre of attention. Right now, I was also terrified. And as I was standing in the washroom, I felt as if I would have a heart attack. And nobody would know what a great presentation I had prepared!

Then, I remembered something that I read a while ago. Worth the try…

In 2012, at the TED Global conference in Edinburgh, Prof. Amy Cuddy, a social psychologists from Harvard University gave a speech that became one of the most watched TED talks of all times. The topic: “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are.”

The main idea is that standing in certain poses, even if we only visualize it, can give us an instant boost of self-esteem, although we may not feel truly confident on the inside. In other words—faking it can help us make it.

Her research has shown that by taking a power pose—or, as she calls it, “making ourselves big”—for two mere minutes before an important meeting can change our brains and make us more assertive and less anxious.

After only two minutes, our testosterone levels increase by 20% while cortisol levels decrease by 25%. (Ideally, every great leader has high levels of testosterone and low levels of cortisol). The power poses are the ones where we spread ourselves.

For instance, forming a “V” with our hands or putting our hands on our hips. Poses, such as crossing our arms in front of us or hunching forward, in contrast, make us feel small and insecure.

Therefore, if we want to portray instant confidence, we should practice power poses daily.

This notion may not sound as a revolutionary one at a first listen. But, in fact, it is.

The “power poses” study shows that by standing in certain body positions, we can make ourselves not only appear more confident to others but also feel this way. In other words, we can change who we are, as Prof. Cuddy puts it.

Our brains’ chemistry would change, literally. And therefore, over time, our personality would as well.

My train of thought races forward to yet other pieces of research I’ve read about, done few years ago on smiling.

Many studies have previously shown that smiling is not simply a way to do facial gymnastics, nor something that we should only engage in when we feel happy. Conscious efforts and even “training” ourselves to smile can make us feel happier.

It’s not always an inside-out relationship (we feel happy, therefore we smile) but rather greater benefits can be experienced the other way around—when we start with that small facial gesture that can, in turn, change our mood, make us appear more likeable and competent to others.

Simply put, smiling can make us feel happy.

The proof and the examples are countless.

Patients injected with Botox who are unable to frown have reported to feel generally happier than those who can express negative emotions. People that smile during medical procedures have also stated to feel less pain.

Even more surprising, though, is the fact that Charles Darwin was one of the first scientists to propose this idea. All the way back in 1872, Darwin stated that “the free expression by outward signs of an emotion intensifies it. Even the simulation of an emotion tends to arouse it in our minds.”

Simply put, he suggested that even faking an emotion can light up our brains and make us feel better. Exactly as Prof. Amy Cuddy has also stated and proved so many years later.

If we convince ourselves that we are happy and smile often, or that we are confident and fearless and start acting this way, over time, we do become happier and more confident. Pretty amazing!

Back to my reflection in the mirror. So, I spent two minutes in a “V” pose, and another two with hands behind my head and elbows to the side.

Up until today, I am still unsure if this really helped me to pull through that day, or it was my self-persuasion that I would somehow make it. Regardless, I did feel better—after the “V” pose and grinning for about five minutes without stopping.

I can only imagine what I looked like to a bystander! But hey, if smiling and taking “big poses” can help us live a longer and happier life, does it really matter if we look quirky in front of a bathroom mirror form time to time?

Finally, if you ask me today what the secret to being a cheerful, confident, and fulfilled individual is, I would tell you that it may as well be something as simple as becoming a smiling Wonder Woman (or Wonder Man) for few minutes every day.

Girl in superhero costume via Shutterstock

September 30, 2015
We Have the Power to Choose

“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.” ~Wayne Dyer

When I was twelve years old I returned from a weekend at my aunt’s house, with my mom, to find my father dead in bed. I remember my mom’s screams causing many of our neighbors to come over to see what had happened.

The experience shut me down. I don’t know how else to put it. My father was young: fifty-three years old. It was a huge shock to everyone.

Apparently, he was too proud to get a pacemaker. He died of a heart attack.

My oldest sister was on her honeymoon. She had just gotten married a week before. My other sister was away at college. When they came home they were hysterical, just like my mom and the rest of the family.

I felt like I had to be the strong one because I was the man of the house now. I was very quiet and reserved about the whole thing. This gave the impression that I was handling it well.

Things were not well, though. I never dealt with it in a proper way. I never received therapy or any other kind of help. I buried the experience deep down—so deep that I can barely remember him.

I rarely even spoke about it with anyone. I may have had only a handful of conversations about it by the age of thirty.

I thought I was okay with it, but I was damaged. (more…)

April 20, 2014
3 Vital Lessons on Living a Life That Won’t Lead to Regret

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” ~Brene Brown

Even though I’m a psychologist who has been working in the field of development and assessment for the last thirteen years, sometimes it still takes more than reading a theory in a book, or even seeing something work with a client, to make it real for me.

Here are three of the moments that have had the most impact on me and the way I live my life.

1. Each of us has the power to change our situation.

I worked for ten years at a company I mostly loved, in a job I mostly loved, but it was a job that didn’t really love me. It was long hours, hard and stressful work.

I thought I thrived on it for a long time, until I slowly came to realize I didn’t have much of a life outside of work.

I had some health issues that didn’t seem to be improving, but I was hoping, year after year, that things would somehow get better. But it seemed things never did.

My breakthrough moment was realizing that I had the power within me to change the situation. Sometimes a choice might be a hard choice, but it’s still a choice.

So instead of going for the next promotion, I resigned. I moved to SE Asia, where I’ve been living and working freelance for a year now. My life still has work as part of it, but also coffee shops, blogging, friends, fun, travel, and yoga. And passion and purpose in a way it didn’t before.

I had the power to change the situation all along, and eventually, I did.

Consider your own life.

Is there anything that you want to change?

Are you waiting for someone else to make it happen?

Take the power back and take a step toward change yourself.

Change can be hard, but it can also be incredibly rewarding. And if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

2. Act to ensure you feel like you’ve done your best by the relationships in your life at any given moment.

My dad died six years ago, and after the worst of the grieving was done, it gave me another breakthrough moment.

He died suddenly from a heart attack with no warning at fifty-five. It was a terrible shock for all of us. But through the sadness, I was very grateful that I had no regrets about the way our relationship had been. I’d loved him unreservedly, I’d spent time with him, I’d laughed with him, and I’d shared my life with him.

The situation made clear to me that anyone can be taken from us at any time.

And that, even though it sounds a bit macabre, I should live my relationships as though the person could die at any minute.

It’s ensured I respond in a different way to situations that previously could have been blown out of proportion. It’s helped me to avoid many arguments, but also speak up and be honest about my own feelings.

It’s helped me to have the best possible relationship I can with the people I love. And, in fact, some I don’t. I no longer waste time, as I know that time is finite.

How are your relationships right now? With family, with friends?

How would you feel if someone you loved died today? Is there anything you would change about the way you contributed to the relationship?

Remember that while it’s not possible to change how other people respond, it is possible to work on your own responses. Sometimes that can take time and effort, but better now than when it’s too late.

3. What’s right for others isn’t necessarily right for you.

Another breakthrough moment was in the last couple of months, as I’ve been living a very different life in Thailand to the life of the corporate businesswoman I was in the UK.

The study of personality and individual differences is a core part of my training, and something I work with all the time.

I’ve viewed the success of Susan Cain’s book about introverts, Quiet, with interest, as I’m a definite introvert myself, but one who’s always adapted her behavior to demonstrate extrovert behaviors, at work and even with friends.

Recently, my very extrovert mum visited Thailand to spend a month working on our blog and website. This prompted me to realize that I no longer adjust my behaviour as much as I used to.

I spend a lot of time alone, I work in coffee shops with people buzzing around me, but in my own little bubble. But more importantly, I’m okay with that life. I accept that this is the right life for me at the moment, and is giving me the kind of nourishment I need.

And I don’t need to worry about making lots of new friends and doing lots of social activities, as some people suggest to me. I’m okay living the life that’s right for me.

Whilst it’s good to listen to other points of view, I know that what’s right for others isn’t necessarily right for me. And I have the strength to follow my own path.

Are there any aspects of your life that you are living according to what others think is right, rather than what’s right for you?

We are all different, every one of the billions of us alive right now, and we need different things to grow and develop into our “best self.”

Give yourself the best possible chance at this by creating an environment that nurtures you, rather than what others think should nurture you, or what you think should nurture you.

You Own Your Story

All of these three breakthrough moments—taking back the power to make my own choices, ensuring my relationships are in the best possible state, and following my own path despite others’ opinions—had at their core me owning my own story.

If there’s one overarching lesson I would like to share with you, whispering it gently, kindly, but persistently in your ear, it’s that you own your own story.

No one else is writing it for you.

So write with a loving hand, reflecting on your own breakthrough moments, but don’t sit around passively waiting for the story to just happen.

Take a step toward a more nourishing, powerful, and loving life right now.

Photo by Chris Parker

March 12, 2014
Take Back Your Power and Start Loving Your Life

Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Lindsey Kasch

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.” ~George Bernard Shaw

Excuses. We all make them.

We make them for everything all the time without even realizing it, pointing the finger at someone or something else, anything or anyone but ourselves.

I didn’t think I made excuses. Blaming people? Who me? No way!

Once I took a real, hard look at my life I realized I was full of excuses and blame—excuses for why I was always running late, why I couldn’t start living a healthier life, do the dishes, go out on a Friday night, or call someone back.

Excuses for why I couldn’t do this or that, why I wasn’t good enough, why my life wasn’t what I wished it was, why my financial situation wasn’t the best, why I was upset at someone.

You name it, I had an excuse. I blamed everything and everyone under the sun for why I couldn’t do this or have that, why I felt a certain way, why I wasn’t fulfilled or happy. Nothing was my fault or my responsibility. This was hard to see and even harder to finally admit.

What increased my self-awareness about the excuses I made was a cold, hard dose of reality when I broke up with my fiancé and boyfriend of five years. I chose to leave because it didn’t feel right, but it left me shattered and heartbroken. It became painfully clear that I really had no idea who I was.

I was forced to figure myself out. For the first time ever I was being honest with myself. Brutally honest—honest about everything! Before this happened I had never once stopped to think about my choices and how they had affected my life and the people around me.

I used to think that life happened and I had no control over it. Things happened to me. Life was hard and unfair. It wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t happy or didn’t have what I thought I wanted or needed. It was the fault of those around me. (more…)

September 20, 2012
A Simple Process to Turn Fear into Power

“You are very powerful, provided you know how powerful you are.” ~Yogi Bhajan

Have you ever stopped to think about your definition of fear?

As my dear friend Mr. Webster states, fear is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”

Simply put, I disagree with this definition of fear.

My definition of fear goes something like this….

“An opportunity for self discovery and self growth; a well of untapped personal power and strength; the gateway from wishing and wanting to doing and being.”

Yes, fear can be a drag, and there are certain situations and life-threatening circumstances that stir up a whole slew of fear that I would never wish upon any one.

But there’s another spectrum of fear that comes from within and the culprit is often our very own “monkey mind” and self-worth. Most likely, it’s this very fear that is holding you back from living the wildly successful, abundant, joy-filled life that you crave and oh-so deserve!

I never really thought about fear before, but last year I decided to take the entrepreneurial plunge and it opened a whole new can of worms for me. This is when my relationship with my personal forms of fear took flight.

I was fearful that I wasn’t smart enough to run my own business, my skills and knowledge weren’t as strong as my business partners’ skills, I didn’t have enough experience to prove to potential clients that I know what I’m talking about—and why would someone want to listen to what I have to say?

The list of crazy thoughts and irrational fears that surfaced for me over this past year are endless. And guess what? I now realize that they are not true.

As I typed that last sentence I had a smile of relief cross my face, because I now realize that my fears aren’t me, and they don’t control me anymore.

The truth is, for most of us, fear is present on a regular basis, but the form that it chooses to present itself in is constantly changing. Maybe you experience anxiety, a deep nervousness, confusion, lack of motivation, uncertainty, or something unidentifiable deep within.

Chances are, you’re experiencing fear on a magnitude of levels and in multiple forms all at once. (Fear is sneaky like that! It’s always showing up in disguise to try to trick you!) (more…)

August 28, 2012
Overcoming the Power of Suggestion: Make Your Own Choices

“People who urge you to be realistic generally want you to accept their version of reality.” ~Unknown

I’m often open to suggestion. I like to gather opinions and feedback about my writing so that I can use it to improve the impact and make it a better read.

The thing I’ve learned about listening to other people’s thoughts on my writing is that sometimes what seems like good advice is little more than personal preference; changing an image or an entire scene to suit one person isn’t always the right path, especially if my gut is saying, “You know you don’t want to do that.”

Now that I am working on a novel, I realize how easy it’s been to sway me, not just in my decisions but also in my thoughts.

Have you ever taken a different route to a party or family event because the person in the passenger seat told you to? How about putting those comfy, though slightly old trainers in the bottom of the closet because your partner thinks they look shabby?

It’s a given that we’ve all spent money on something we don’t need because we’ve been lured by the suggestion of T.V. and big companies that appeal to our desire to happy. I bet some people have even given up on dreams because someone else has said they’d be better off aiming a bit lower.

There’s a difference between valid advice and suggestions based on self-interest.

There are times when my view of reality gets distorted, when I’m stressed or upset. Once I’ve calmed down, I often acknowledge that my perception was overblown, although a grain of truth often remains.

It’s frustrating when someone else negates my experiences—essentially saying there is no grain of truth. (more…)

July 13, 2011
The Halfhearted Yes: Why We Don’t Say No and How to Start

“A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.” ~Gandhi

I was having dinner with a friend of mine a couple weeks ago when I asked her about a group she was considering joining. I wanted to know how it was going and what she decided.

“You know,” she said, “I realized after the first group that I’m not that passionate about it. So, I’m not going to do it. I’d rather make my time available for something that matters more to me.”

Aside from this being a healthy choice, it was also a very conscious and deliberate choice. She chose in the direction of her passion.

How many of us take what is handed to us, follow what is put in front of us, or say yes to things that don’t really align with who we are or what we want in our lives?

I’m a huge fan of the word yes. (more…)

April 30, 2010