Tiny Buddha

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  • The Fascinating Reason We Fear Rejection and the Key to Acceptance

    The Fascinating Reason We Fear Rejection and the Key to Acceptance

    “Our job in this lifetime is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.” ~Steven Pressfield

    “We need to talk to you.”

    I looked up from my book. The other thirteen girls in my class had assembled around me.

    Part of me was annoyed that they interrupted Indiana Jones’s latest adventure. But another part couldn’t shake the feeling that I was facing the sixth grade execution squad. My heart began to beat faster, my shoulders tensed, and sickening fear spread through my body.

    “We don’t like you,” the appointed spokesperson declared.

    “We think you are arrogant and weird, your nose is always in a book, and your clothes are embarrassing. You don’t fit in here. Do yourself a favor and stay away from us.”

    With that, they left. I could hear them gossip at the other side of the classroom. As if nothing had happened.

    I sat at my desk, alone. My shaking hands were still clutching my book. My throat felt tight and sore as I battled to hold back tears.

    Sure, I would have been kidding myself pretending that I was ever popular. But still, some of these girls I considered my friends. And this brutal, unanimous rejection was a shock.

    I can’t remember how I made it through the next two lessons and the bus ride home. I know I didn’t cry. I didn’t want them to see how much they hurt me.

    It wasn’t until my mum asked me how my day was that I burst. Tears ran down my cheek as I was sobbing. Looking back, it feels like I wept for days and I remember crying myself to sleep for many months.

    I had been judged unworthy of friendship, respect, and approval. I was unacceptable. I wasn’t good enough.

    That’s how it started.

    The Guaranteed Way to be Accepted in Any Social Group

    “Why would you want to be part of their clique anyway?” my mum asked. “They are superficial and blind if they can’t see what a wonderful person you are.” Mums would say that.

    But it wasn’t how I felt. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be included. I wanted to be invited to the birthday parties and sleepovers. And I was sick of being picked last in sports.

    For a while, my classmates avoided me, as if I was suffering from a contagious disease. As instructed, I kept my distance. I felt upset, wounded, heartbroken.

    But I watched them. I observed their interactions. I studied the requirements of acceptance. Little by little, I adjusted my behavior.

    I begged my mum to buy me a pair of Levi’s 501 jeans so they couldn’t disapprove of my fashion sense. I left my beloved books in my bag to participate in the shallow gossip during recess. I swallowed my opinions and conformed to the group consensus. I engaged in activities I hated. My sole desire was to be accepted, and I was willing to make sacrifices.

    And I succeeded. My assimilated interests and behaviors morphed into a new version of me that was finally accepted (or at least tolerated) as part of the group. No more lonely recesses, no more exiled lunch breaks, no more involuntary isolation. I had reached my goal.

    I didn’t know then that the cost of acceptance was by far outweighing the benefits. It would be a while until I found out.

    A Painful Wake-Up Call

    Thirteen years after my fateful teenage rejection, now a student at Vienna University, I was waking up in my tiny flat. My boyfriend of eight years was awake, looking at me. I smiled at him, stretching while planning a busy day in my mind.

    “I need to talk to you.”

    My smile froze; my stomach felt like it was filled with gravel; my mind was racing. Please, not again! I did everything expected of me.

    Don’t do this to me again!

    “I don’t love you anymore,” he continued. “I am so sorry. I met someone else.”

    That evening, he moved out, to be with her. I sat on the floor, alone, in disbelief, my back against the cold radiator.

    I was rejected again! How could this happen? I had done everything required.

    But it seemed that no matter who I was or pretended to be, no matter how much I pleaded and begged, no matter how much I changed, adapted, and adjusted myself to please them, they always rejected me. Because I wasn’t good enough. No version of me would ever be good enough.

    I cried for days. I wallowed in self-hatred, blame, and self-pity. I cursed my inferior, unacceptable existence. I grieved for the life I lost and prepared myself for a future of unworthy loneliness.

    But then, something amazing happened.

    The Revelation of the Tragic Price of Acceptance

    Two weeks later, I was preparing to go to work. I opened my wardrobe, and the realization hit me so hard that I lost balance.

    All the clothes I owned were beige! He had preferred me in beige. He said he didn’t like it when I stood out. I had followed his rules to give him no reason to ever reject me. I was whatever he wanted me to be.

    I stared at the rows of neatly folded beige T-shirts, jumpers, and cardigans. There was no color, no personality, no character, no life. Only fulfilled expectations, subordination, and lies.

    I had rejected myself to be accepted by others! My true self was chained and gagged, silently suffering. That’s when I realized that self-rejection is the most devastating rejection of them all. It had to stop!

    That day in May 2005, I started the journey back to myself. Now I want to share what I learned along the way to help you rediscover your own authentic self.

    1. The fascinating reason why we fear rejection.

    Nobody likes being rejected. It sucks! But it’s unavoidable.

    No matter how much we change, bend, or distort, we will always encounter people who dislike us, disapprove of us, or disrespect us. We will always face situations where we lose out, fail, or don’t make the grade. That’s life.

    But we tend to experience rejection as a threat. And I soon discovered that there is a scientific reason for it.

    You see, the need for acceptance is deeply rooted in human evolution. If our early ancestors were exiled from the tribe cave, they were history as soon as the next sabre tooth strolled by. Survival depended on remaining a part of the tribe at all cost.

    Nowadays, we usually aren’t at risk of being devoured by a wild beast when others disapprove of us. But it still hurts! Because, while our life might not depend on it any longer, our self-worth often does.

    We feel worthy only if others approve of us. The issue is that nobody will be acceptable to everybody else.

    It’s important to know that rejection doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough. Some people don’t click. And that’s okay.

    2. Being myself was harder than I thought.

    When people want to encourage you, they often say: “It’s going to be okay. Just be yourself!”

    Good advice. But if you pretended to be someone else for most of your life, this other version of you, the act, becomes who you believe you are. Once this false persona collapses, and you discover that your life was a lie, all that is left are questions.

    “Who am I? Do I actually like my work, hobbies, style? Or did I choose them to please others? What do I like? What is important to me?”

    In the early days I felt lost, aimless, forlorn. I thought I had to know myself inside out, uncover all the answers, find myself. But the beginning of your journey back to yourself is like the start of any relationship.

    You need to get to know yourself. Bit by bit. It takes time, patience, and lots of honest talks. (Yes, with yourself!)

    Through these conversations with myself, I learned that I couldn’t rediscover myself through my likes and dislikes. They were artefacts, reflecting the passions and interests of the people I wanted to impress.

    I had to investigate what made me happy. I had to identify what made my eyes light up and my heart sing. Because those were the things that originated from my true self.

    3. Denying my true self was hurting me.

    Throughout my teens and early twenties I suffered from several health problems. I now know that they were caused by my self-rejection. Because they all vanished after I accepted my authentic self.

    My social anxiety originated from the belief that anybody could reject me at any time without warning. My night-time crying fits resulted from the grief I felt over losing myself. My bouts of self-hatred stemmed from the fact that I loathed the person I pretended to be, and even my bronchitis was a warning sign that I wasn’t speaking my truth.

    I was emotionally, mentally, and physically hurting myself so others might approve of me. And I didn’t allow myself to see it. I ignored all the signs because my desire for approval was paramount.

    I needed to be accepted to feel worthy, and blamed all the negative consequences on a nervous disposition, a sensiive soul, and the harsh Alpine air.

    4. I never knew what I wanted because I didn’t know who I was.

    By the time my boyfriend left me, playing an act to please others was so normal, I had stopped noticing it. But I always felt unfulfilled. My life lacked direction and purpose.

    I was unsure what I could offer the world or what I wanted from life. Sometimes I sat in the living room of my tiny flat thinking, “I want to go home.” At the time, I didn’t know where this absurd thought came from.

    Now I understand that you cannot find your true calling if you aren’t true to yourself. If you pretend to be someone else to gain approval from others, everything you do reflects your efforts to please, appeal, and impress.

    Once you rediscover yourself, can you walk on your right path. Because every decision made or influenced by others will ultimately be the wrong one for you.

    Finding your direction, passions, and purpose has to start with accepting who you are and presenting this person to the world.

    5. Losing friends is unavoidable.

    And that’s where it becomes terrifying! Your friends, business partners, clients, and colleagues only know your act. But now you have to put the cards on the table and be honest with them. I found that to be the hardest part.

    Exposing your true self to the world leaves you naked and vulnerable. It’s impossible to predict how people will react. In my case, some were disappointed and hurt, some disliked my true self and disappeared from my life, but most neither noticed nor cared.

    The truth is that some friendships may not survive. And that’s okay. Most friendships aren’t constants; they are in flow.

    Your friends reflect what you believe about yourself. If your beliefs change, so will the people around you. A special few may stick with you for life, but most will come and go.

    Yes, it can be heart-breaking but no friend will ever be worth denying your true self. Losing a friendship will never be more devastating than losing yourself. And no rejection is as disastrous as self-rejection.

    The friends who cannot accept your authentic self will be replaced by people who love and respect the real you.

    The Key to an Authentic Life

    I know what you’re thinking. What if not? What if you will never find anybody who loves and accepts you?

    Would you not be better off being an integrated pretender than an authentic loner?

    The answer lies in your self-worth. Think about it. There are 7.4 billion people on this planet. It is statistically impossible that they will all reject you!

    But throughout your life you learned to believe that you are unlovable because you have nothing to offer. That you don’t deserve other people’s approval because you aren’t good enough, and that you are only acceptable if you cover up your flawed and unworthy self.

    That’s why your mind will always caution you. It wants to protect you from the pain of further rejection and disappointment. Because a deep-seated feeling of worthlessness has become your default state.

    But it’s not reality! It’s not the truth.

    The truth is that you are worth personified! Your true self is beautiful, valuable, and infinitely deserving of happiness, friendship, and love.

    Your worth is unconditional. It doesn’t depend on your style and appearance. It exists irrespective of your bank balance, success levels, or qualification, and it isn’t diminished by the lack of other people’s approval.

    Yes, we all make mistakes, we all do things we aren’t proud of, and we all are rejected at times. But as long as you do your best to be a kind, loving, and warm-hearted person, you will always be good enough!

    Once you accept this, once you accept yourself, others will see the amazing person you are. People out there want to know and love you. That much I know.

    Because I worked my way from a conforming, self-suppressing, anxiety-filled, beige existence to a happy woman with a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and genuine friends who love me for who I really am.

    I believed I was unacceptable. But it wasn’t the truth. It was low self-worth.

    And it is low self-worth for you too. You can overcome it; you can heal. And you can attract the people out there looking to meet you.

    Now you just need to have the courage to introduce yourself. I know you can do it!

  • Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    Why You Feel Anxious In Relationships and How To Stop

    “I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.” ~John Lennon

    After doing years and years of self-esteem work, I thought I was fairly well adjusted and secure. I thought I was fairly confident, self-assured, and not at all needy. But all that changed when I got into my recent relationship.

    My subtle thought pattern of fear, distrust, projection, and unhappiness started creeping in. Again? Seriously? I thought I was past all that.

    As it turns out my attachment disorder runs much deeper than I thought it did. What about yours? I mentioned attachment theory in one of my previous posts, but to elaborate…

    Are You Insecure?

    Attachment theory was first developed by John Bowlby in the 1960’s. This is an evolutionary theory of attachment, which suggests that children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments with others (caregivers) because this allows them to survive, and the way in which you attach during childhood becomes the prototype for all future attachments.

    Bowldy asserts that there are three fundamental types of attachments which include secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment.

    If you are secure, you probably aren’t reading this. Someone who is securely attached had a parent who was fairly stable and secure in meeting their needs. Because of this, as they become adults they assume other adults will meet their needs, so they do not suffer from relationship anxiety.

    Secure individuals tend to be happier and more content in their relationships because they are acting and reacting from a secure place, which allows each partner to move freely within the world. They’re able to offer support to their partners and are more open and honest in their interactions

    If you are avoidant, you may or not be reading this because often those who avoid intimacy often avoid introspection. If you are avoidant, you keep people at a distance and believe that you don’t really need others to exist in the world. Those who are avoidantly attached had a parent who was not really attentive to their needs, so the child learned to just avoid seeking reassurance.

    Avoidant individuals tend to emotionally distance themselves from a partner. They believe they are better off alone (even if in a relationship) and live in an internal world where their needs are most important. Even avoidant individuals need connection, but when their partner looks to them for comfort they turn off their feelings and fail to react.

    However, if you are at all anxious or insecurely attached, like I am, you are probably going to read this and say, “A Ha!” and a light bulb may even go off over your head. If you are anxiously attached, then you feel anxiety when your partner is separated from you or you do not feel emotionally reassured by them.

    Anxious attachment derives from a parent who was emotionally and/or physically unavailable, non-responsive, and/or possibly intrusive.

    People with anxious attachment are desperate to form a bond, but don’t actually trust their partner to meet their needs, so when their partner fails to assuage every emotion they have, they blame their partner or become jealous or critical. This often prompts their partner to distance themselves, thereby reinforcing their belief that they are not lovable.

    Anxiously attached individuals continually seek external validation, as if still looking to that parent to soothe them and make them feel secure in the world. The problem with this is that it’s too much of burden for a romantic partner to carry and it isn’t their job.

    Let’s Focus

    I’m going to focus on anxious attachment and especially pre-occupied anxious attachment.

    Let me ask this:

    Are you pre-occupied with what you are or are not getting from your partner?

    Are you self-critical?

    Do you constantly seek approval and reassurance?

    If your partner doesn’t react the way you think they should, do you blame or become upset?

    Do you always anticipate your partner rejecting you, losing interest, or abandoning you?

    Do you continually worry and obsess and not really trust them? If so, this is you.

    This is me.

    I have known that I was anxious for a while now and I have known and read about attachment theory, but I never really understood the depths to which it had inhabited my life, my thoughts, and my behaviors. I can’t explain why, but suddenly it all became so clear.

    I don’t recall my infant years, but I do recall that when I turned four or five my mom pretty much left me alone. I could walk and talk and feed myself. She had things to do. I started playing next door at the neighbor’s house. He had toys and games and a swing. He had a hopscotch and candy and wood-making tools. We played. He paid attention to me. He also molested me.

    When I was eight or so, my mom went back to work and left my sister and me alone. A friend of the family started coming over while she was gone. He also molested me.

    But what does the molestation have to do with the attachment, you ask? I never really got it until now. Being left alone and being ignored by someone who was supposed to care for me literally put me in physical and emotional danger.

    So, every time I get into a romantic relationship and I start to feel ignored (whether imagined or real), I freak out. I start to get palpitations. My brain starts to flood with thoughts and emotions. I start seeking reassurance.

    For years I learned to push the feelings down and to ignore them.

    What I didn’t realize is that you can’t do that. There is a thing called “primal panic,” which sets in when you are anxiously attached and not getting your needs met. What I didn’t know or understand is that when I feel ignored, my brain goes into “fight or flight” mode in order to protect itself. My brain believes it’s going to be taken advantage again and my body starts reacting.

    Although I can logically understand this is not true, my brain does not subconsciously know it to be true and reacts accordingly.

    What Happened

    What this meant was that every infraction from my partner, every sense of injustice, every wrong step or every interpretation of a wrongdoing, no matter how slight, I met with a intolerability that I had no idea I was even imposing on my partner.

    I would be so preoccupied with feeling better and getting them to make me feel better that I’d spend all my time and energy obsessing about how to get my needs met. And if they weren’t met properly, I would blame them and start to label them “untrustworthy.”

    Think about it. If you haven’t heard from your partner in a day or so, do you automatically start thinking, “He/she doesn’t love me,” or “I knew he/she would do this,” or “I knew this would happen again”? Do you constantly think about what your partner isn’t giving you and what you aren’t getting?

    Do you become calm and happy when your partner reassures you only to become anxious and insecure the minute you feel something is off or you feel you are being ignored or disrespected?

    All of these things were (okay, sometimes still are) me in a nutshell.

    The problem with all these feelings and behaviors is that they keep you from realizing true intimacy because you are living in fear and anxiety, and you may not even consciously realize it. You are living as if you are still that child who’s going to get hurt. But, guess what? You aren’t.

    How to Fix It

    Once I realized how this pattern was affecting my life, I knew I had to change it but I wasn’t sure how. I started doing some research. I read a few books including Insecure in Love.

    One day I woke up and it had been two days since I had heard from my boyfriend. My body started going into panic mode. Where was he? Doesn’t he care? How can he do this? Maybe I should just leave him. My body and mind were going into panic mode. Anxiety set in. What should I do?

    I tried some meditation but I couldn’t stop thinking and my heart wouldn’t stop racing. I decided to sit with the anxiety and think about why I was feeling anxious. What did I really feel? Why was I so anxious? Where was this coming from?

    As I sat there and began to go deeper into the true meaning of my anxiety, I realized that I was literally feeling scared that someone would come hurt me. I was scared of being physically and emotionally alone and having no one there to rescue me. I realized that his ignoring me had triggered this subconscious belief that I’ve been holding onto that I never knew was there.

    Then, I cried. I cried because I was scared. I was actually really petrified. Then, I told myself, “You’re okay. You will be okay. You are not there anymore. You are safe.” I cried and I reassured myself, and when I stopped and it was over the anxiety had lifted.

    I had faced my fears. I had felt my pain and I had released it. I don’t think it will be gone forever, but it is gone for today and that is a good start.

    Keep Trying

    I thought I had dealt with all of this anxiety and insecurity stuff. I thought it was gone and buried. I thought I had made inroads into my new relationship and that because I had attracted a seemingly secure individual, it meant I was all better. Surprise! Insecurity was still running my life.

    But, once I realized this to be true I made a vow that I would do whatever it takes to beat this insecurity over the head and run it out of my life.

    I realized that if I kept going the way I was I would eventually push every boyfriend out of my life, and that I would never find a partner I was happy and content with. The truth can hurt.

    I also realized that I’m not a bad person. I’m not mean or insincere or ruthless. I’m scared. I have a biological response to a real experience. I learned this coping mechanism to help me survive and it did its job, but its time has come and it needs to retire.

    If you are insecurely attached and seek constant external validation and approval to feel good about yourself, how long do you think your partner will put up with it? It isn’t their job to make you feel better about yourself. Yes, they can and should support you and be encouraging, but you have to learn to support and encourage yourself.

    If you want to find true love you have to learn to love yourself, as cheesy as that sounds, and if you are anxiously attached you also have to learn to calm yourself, reassure yourself, and comfort yourself. The past is over and you cannot change it, but the future has not yet occurred.

    Do you want to be your own worst enemy or your own best friend? You decide. I know my answer.

  • How to Calm Your Mind Without Sitting to Meditate

    How to Calm Your Mind Without Sitting to Meditate

    “Our way to practice is one step at a time, one breath at a time.” ~Shunryu Suzuki

    Sitting meditation has always been challenging for me; practicing mindfulness, even harder.

    As a self-confessed worrywart who has contended with constant ruminations, flashbacks, and nightmares for most of my life (more on this later), all prior attempts at being fully present and not thinking merely served as reminders of how little control I had over my mind. Then I took up hiking and stumbled upon a form of meditation that literally transformed my life.

    Initially, just being out in nature on scenic trails cultivated calmness and cleared my head. Almost immediately, I realized that hiking provided a respite from intrusive thoughts that have plagued me since I was a tyke.

    They include flashbacks of my mother’s numerous suicide attempts in our decrepit Chinatown apartment, my father’s drunken rages, and recurring images of shootings, savage beatings, and other gory crime scenes from my gangbanging days.

    Ruminations include the sound of gunfire along with the replaying in my head of toxic utterances in Cantonese that translate to “Giving birth to you was my biggest mistake,” “I wish you were never born,” and my own father yelling “You bastard!”

    Somehow, walking in nature enabled my mind to slow down and rest, which felt liberating.

    Unfortunately, the novelty soon wore out. Merely walking and hiking wasn’t enough to prevent symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress from returning. I reverted to rehashing the past and worrying obsessively about the future.

    However, I had gotten a taste of the benefits of mindfulness meditation and discovered that it can be practiced while engaging in an activity I enjoyed. These revelations motivated me to keep at it.

    After reading what was available on walking meditation, which typically advise focusing on the flow of our “in” and “out” breaths, I developed my own techniques for practicing mindful walking and hiking.

    My favorite is to look ahead and select a destination point or object and stay focused on it. It can be a shadow on the ground, boulder, bush, tree, manhole cover, light pole, store awning, mailbox, and so on. Once I reached it, I chose another landmark or object, usually a little further away.

    Rough or uneven trails forced me to concentrate on each step for safety reasons. My brain automatically blocked out discursive thoughts; otherwise I could slip, trip, or fall. Other techniques I came up with include fully feeling the ground of each step, following the flight pattern of birds and insects, observing cloud patterns, and being conscious of sounds and scents—moment to moment.

    Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh, often called “Thay,” which means “teacher” in Vietnamese, is revered throughout the world for his teachings and writings on mindfulness and peace.

    He has brought the practice into institutions, including maximum-security prisons, helping inmates attain calmness and inner peace while being confined up to twenty-four hours daily. Many of them have professed that mindfulness meditation is the most difficult endeavor they have ever engaged in.

    We live in a culture where many of us want quick results with as little effort as possible. This applies to how we approach our work, health, pastimes, social interactions, and problems. This mindset is the antithesis of mindfulness.

    In my opinion, it is virtually impossible to tackle mindfulness meditation without patience and discipline. Fortunately, these attributes can be enhanced by engaging in the art itself.

    When I started mindful walking and hiking, my ability to stay present was measured in feet and seconds.

    As a highly competitive, emotionally undisciplined, and impatient person, I could have easily succumbed to my frustrations and given up. But the short periods of calmness and inner peace I attained—supplemented by my stubbornness—provided the necessary resolve for me to stick with the program.

    As I continued my mindfulness “training,” catching my mind when it wandered occurred sooner, and the ability to refocus took less effort. Using kind, positive messages such as “rest” and “focus” was more effective than phrases such as “don’t wander” and “don’t think.”

    Insight and mindfulness meditation are usually practiced separately. Personally, when I am procrastinating about something or seeking a solution to a problem, ideas and answers usually emerge effortlessly during or immediately following my walks and hikes.

    These epiphanies and aha moments tend to be inspired by kindness and compassion, as opposed to ego.

    I was severely beaten by a rival gang member as a teen. For over forty years, I suffered nightmares, flashbacks, and ruminations of the attack. Both conventional and unconventional modalities of therapy failed to provide much relief.

    One morning, I was enjoying a relaxing hike when the familiar image of my attacker suddenly appeared. For the very first time, I remained calm and found myself viewing my lifelong enemy as a kindred spirit. I saw him as someone like me, most likely abused as a child, who desperately sought empowerment by joining gangs.

    This awakening, along with my spiritual practice, enabled me to cultivate compassion and forgiveness. The nightmares and flashes of the attack ceased at that point and have not returned.

    Mindfulness can be practiced pretty much anywhere and at any time. I do it first thing in the morning when I wake up while still lying in bed, in the kitchen, in the shower, at my desk, and most recently while getting dental work done.

    Whether I devote a few seconds by pausing and taking a deep belly breath—or hiking for several hours—benefits are reaped.

    As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, practicing mindfulness has transformed my life. With a family history of mental illness and a violent upbringing, I have been diagnosed and treated for multiple mood disorders, including manic depression, post-traumatic stress, addiction, and rage.

    My mindfulness practice has empowered me to rest and calm my mind, as well as intercept and suppress negative thoughts. It serves as a powerful coping mechanism for me.

    For the majority of my life, I was at the mercy of gambling urges and other cravings. When I encounter them now, I pause, acknowledge what is happening, take a few deep breaths, focus on my surroundings, and allow the urges to pass.

    Staying relaxed enables me to respond instead of react, which places me in a better position to reflect and gain insight into the underlying issues that triggered the desire to self-medicate.

    My mood is much more stable and I have better control of my emotions. The benefits I received from mindful walking and hiking has inspired me to practice it throughout the day.

    I used to loathe driving because of my road rage. I was terrified of myself, often wondering when I left the house if I would end up in jail or the morgue. My level of stress rose in proportion to the amount of traffic I encountered.

    Practicing mindfulness meditation in the car keeps me mellow as well as alert. I have become a patient and compassionate driver, smiling at other motorists and limiting use of the horn for safety purposes. Another insight I gained is that my past aggressive behavior on and off the road attracted like-minded people.

    The mental discipline I gained also enabled me to embrace Buddhism, which has interested, yet eluded me for many years. All of this empowers me to attain and maintain equanimity. Now, I can even sit and meditate for long periods without feeling restless or irritable.

    So for those who find sitting meditation challenging, or for individuals seeking different ways to practice mindfulness, I recommend mindful walking and hiking.

    Not only is it a fun way to quiet the mind while getting some exercise, but it can be life-changing—helping us let go of worries, stress, tension, and even the most painful memories from the past.

  • How to Cope with the Fear of Aging

    How to Cope with the Fear of Aging

    “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” ~Mark Twain

    Time is the most precious asset we’ve got. It means life, and it’s never coming back.

    In a world where everyone seems to be in a rush, it feels like time is flying. Not sure about you, but when I was a child, I felt like I had all the time in the world. Much later, as a grown-up woman, always busy to do more and achieve more, I had to sign up for time management courses so that I could cope with stress and learn how to manage my hours.

    In April this year, I turned thirty-nine, and I was happy to witness a major transformation in myself: no more panic knowing that soon I’m going to be forty. No more sadness or fear of getting older.

    This year, the only thing I wanted for myself was to celebrate a new year and feel grateful for everything I’ve learned so far at the school of life. To look at the future as an excellent opportunity to learn more and grow from my experiences.

    Beautiful…but it wasn’t always like that. Like many other people I know, both women and men, I was terrified of the idea of growing older. I could feel this fear in my bones years ago, when I “changed the prefix” and turned thirty.

    At the time, I didn’t express that out loud and pretended everything was okay, but, deep inside, I was terrified. To me, such a change was a powerful mental, psychological transition that came with high pressure on my chest, followed by painful beats of my heart. I wasn’t ready, and I can recall that I wanted all my youngest years back.

    So I’ve been asking myself this question: Where does this fear come from? What makes so many people scared of aging?

    One explanation I’ve found comes from societal norms and culturally inherited limiting beliefs that influence our way of thinking and don’t serve us well.

    If you grow up preparing yourself for the aging process as if it will be a burden, that’s exactly how it will feel. It’s all about self-perception and the story we tell ourselves about whom we are becoming with passing time.

    Take my example:

    I grew up in Eastern Europe. In my home country, Romania, I often heard things like “Of course I’m sick. I’m sixty-eight now. I’m not young any longer, so that should be expected.” Or “My time has gone now; I’m seventy-five!”

    Of course, not everyone thinks like this, but it’s common. Growing old is supposed to bring suffering and pain. With no savings, many people feel unprepared, both mentally and financially, for retirement, and it’s quite common for retired people to get support from their children to pay their utilities and buy medicine or food.

    I am grateful for the four years I spent living in Sweden—a time that shifted my perception around aging. I still remember the beautiful yearly concerts I gave with my choir. Performing made my heart sing. And many members of that choir were over sixty!

    You see, that was a different culture, mentality, and system of belief—and a much richer country. When we are financially stable and secured, it is much easier to be happy, right? But it’s not always about money; small moments of happiness don’t have to cost much, and often come for free.

    In Sweden, I got to meet grandmothers who were learning new languages and discovering new hobbies for themselves. Some started to paint; others were enhancing their computer skills. They were thrilled to finally have all the time in the world for themselves, their wants, and their needs after they’d dedicated a high amount of time and energy to their families or employers.

    I found that inspiring. That’s exactly how I want to experience my life once I grow older: as a new opportunity to learn, when every morning is a fresh start, despite the number of my years.

    If you’re afraid of aging and everything that will entail, I can empathize, as I’ve been there. Here’s what helped me heal this fear, move on, and enjoy my everyday life in the only reality there is—the present moment:

    1. Shifting perspective.

    What would open up for you if you knew your age was nothing but a number? Once I decided to look at the process of growing older with compassion and see it as a gift not everyone receives in life, everything changed.

    We create our own reality through the way we think and the story we tell ourselves about each and every experience.

    I know there will be lots of good things for me to enjoy once I grow old. Firstly, I will have all the time in the world for myself and I will make sure to fill it up beautifully, doing things I enjoy, traveling more, spending more quality time with friends, learning new things, and practicing new hobbies.

    Most people complain about spending too many hours at work and not having enough time for themselves. But once they retire, they get the time they’ve always wanted and don’t know what to do with it. Interesting.

    “We need to revise how we think of aging. The old paradigm was: You’re born, you peak at midlife, and then you decline into decrepitude. Looking at aging as ascending a staircase, you gain well-being, spirit, soul, wisdom, the ability to be truly intimate and a life with intention.” ~Jane Fonda

    2. Knowing that I am not what I do.

    The truth is, societies generally value the younger generations, seen as a much-needed force in the working field.

    Aging means wisdom and experience, but often much suffering as well. Many people hold the belief that, the older they get, the worse their quality of life will be, as if their worthiness in the world will vanish or fade. I’ve heard of people who got severely depressed when they retired because they felt their lives had no meaning apart from working.

    One of the most common questions people ask when they make new acquaintances is “What do you do for a living?” In a world that evaluates human worth through status and how well we do things in life, they lost their identity when left with no job.

    Work is where we spend most of our time, so if we’re not happy at work, we’re ultimately not happy with most of our lives. Most of us need a job, and money is a much-needed instrument for us to survive. But is life supposed to be all about our jobs? Is there no other way to be happy?

    What if the ultimate purpose of us being here were just to be happy?

    I can think of so many different kinds of activities that can bring us tremendous joy and fulfillment once we retire! Spending quality time with our dear ones, enjoying the small pleasures of life, traveling, practicing our hobbies, learning new skills, being involved in charity projects, making a difference in the world, and so on.

    “You are a human being, not a human doing.” ~Wayne Dyer

    3. Loving myself: mind, body, and soul.

     In the same way that I am not what I do, I am not my body. My spirit refuses to be put in a box or labeled. If I identify my human value through my physical appearance, the process of aging turns into a burden.

    In today’s society, the concept of beauty often gets associated with youth, with having no wrinkles. Social media, women magazines, Photoshop, beauty contests—all these put tremendous pressure on people (and women especially) to fit particular requirements and parameters that sometimes are not even real. For many industries, that’s an excellent source of income. That is why anti-aging cosmetics sell well, and plastic surgery is booming. It’s all based on fear.

    No matter our age, our bodies are the vehicles of our spirit—the temple of our souls and the only ones we’ve got. I have started to take care of my body: I exercise more and give it nutritious food and plenty of water. I make sure I find the time for those necessary doctor appointments and yearly health checks. When we invest in our physical health, we make a long-lasting investment in our future.

    According to research, the people who live longest are located in Okinawa, Japan. I visited that place recently and wanted to learn more about their lifestyle.

    People there eat healthily and exercise. They don’t stress much and have a social life, despite their age. That’s what I also got to see during the years I lived in China and South Korea: older people exercising, doing tai-chi or chi-gong, dancing or singing in the parks of Seoul or the big squares of Shanghai. They were keeping themselves active and spending quality time with like-minded people in their communities.

    Descartes defined human as “social animals.” No matter our personality, extroverted or introverted, we all need a tribe, a sense of belonging to a group or community. That is a basic human need.

    Happiness is a mental and emotional state of being; it comes as a result of the choices we make. It’s all about attitude, perspective, and what we make age mean to us. We all are what we believe.

    So next year I’m turning forty—nothing but a new beautiful number, a time for brand new opportunities and a gift from life. Getting older is a reality, and I have decided to embrace myself with love, despite my age. I know I’m going to end up with more wrinkles and I’ll love them, too. True self-love is valid at any age; there’s no expiration date to that.

    Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Goddesses Never Age, expressed it so beautifully: “Growing older is inevitable; aging is optional.”

    And now, I would like to hear from you. Have you ever felt scared of the idea of getting older?

  • The Big Little Secret to Rejection: How to Get Past It Quickly

    The Big Little Secret to Rejection: How to Get Past It Quickly

    “I am good at walking away. Rejection teaches you how to reject.” ~Jeanette Winterson

    Rejection is something that can impact all the big parts of our lives—friends and loved ones, education, jobs, and romantic relationships. It can change how we see ourselves, paralyze us into not taking chances, and even make us give up on pursuing our dreams.

    There’s a lot of wonderful advice out there about rejection, but I wanted to share a bit of a different perspective. It’s a simple perspective I was lucky enough to hear a long time ago but have only just begun to truly believe and practice. And wow, is it a revelation.

    I was a short-term contract worker for a very large, very popular media company for ten years. Through time it became obvious that no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t seem to get up the ladder.

    Many of my colleagues were progressing and getting hired as permanent staff, whereas it would take me months to even land a contract. When I asked for extra training to shoot and edit or offered to write scripts, I was refused. My ideas either fell by the wayside or were given to others to work on.

    As time went on, they inexplicably put less and less trust in me. So I worked harder and harder to try and prove myself and spent all my spare time teaching myself skills and making the content that I so desperately want to do at work. I was exhausted and demoralized, and I eventually began taking anti-anxiety medication.

    It was a bewildering experience because I did a great job and was conscientious. Why was this happening to me? What was I doing wrong?  

    It all came to a head after a particular campaign for kids that I was hired to steer from behind the scenes, given my insider experience and knowledge about the campaign topic. Nine months later, when the campaign was extended, my job was just given to someone else less suitable.

    When an email went around to the department announcing the new appointment, my co-workers were as confused as I was. I heard, “Why aren’t you heading this up, Amanda?” at least nine or ten times that day. I had no answer.

    In a fog, I got up from my desk, left the building, and walked into the courtyard. And just then, something clicked in my head. I finally got it. They simply didn’t want me.

    They had been telling me this for ten years. And I had been ignoring it.

    I looked back at the building—at all the people in the windows, happily busy doing their thing—and suddenly it was like there was a flashing neon light saying, “YOU DON’T BELONG HERE!” I burst out laughing. How could I have missed this the whole time?

    We do this type of thing a lot, don’t we? How many times have we refused to see we’re being rejected, no matter how obvious?

    It’s so easy to react to rejection with our egos. We think, “How dare you!” or “I’ll show you I’m right for you.” We need to be right. We need that validation at the expense of that part of us that knows our worth and is powerful enough to walk away.

    Consider this situation that most, if not all, of us have experienced: We date someone, really enjoy it, and see a lot of potential with them. But after a few weeks or months, we begin to feel a noticeable shift on their part.

    Maybe they start texting less often, or they aren’t as excited to see us, or they are less available, or they close themselves off a bit. It throws us for a loop, doesn’t it? We may even panic a bit. So we react by assessing the situation, reading between the lines, trying a bit harder, asking friends for advice, and Googling articles that make us feel better about what’s going on.

    We give this person all of our headspace while we try and figure things out when, deep down, we know exactly what the problem is. They just aren’t feeling us. But we try to convince ourselves that if they just give us a little more time, take a chance on us, they will come to the magical conclusion that we are actually perfect for one another.

    Is this strategy in any way healthy? Does it work? Does it make us feel better? Of course not.

    So here’s the big little secret about every rejection we’ve ever had in our lives. Once we realize and accept it, it can change the way we feel about every past rejection and change the way we see rejection in the future. Ready?

    When someone rejects you, for whatever reason, it’s because you two aren’t a good fit—they just saw it first. Eventually, you would have seen it as well. The fact that they acted on this early realization is actually a blessing because they are saving both of you from wasting time.

    It doesn’t matter why they are rejecting you. Often it is purely about themselves and their issues. So why spend the time worrying about the reason?

    Of course, not every rejector is honest and upfront about their feelings. In fact, many are afraid of confrontation, so they reject in an indirect way. But even when this happens, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that we ignored the signs in the single-minded pursuit of what we wanted.

    But if we can understand and appreciate the secret of rejection, we can better recognize the signs when we see ourselves in the same situation in the future. Think of the time, effort, and energy we can save with acceptance!

    So what happened with that media job crisis? After I stopped laughing and went back into the building, I gave them my notice. While I worked that last month, my eyes were opened, and I began to understand that the company was right all along.

    I didn’t belong there because my life perspective and the things I valued did not align with them. That’s why I had struggled there for so long.

    They saw it first, and I saw it eventually.

    After I left the company, I was free to do all the things I really wanted to do, in my own voice. I’m finally a television writer who has begun making short films about mindfulness to help others. This never would have happened if I had stayed at that company and worked trying to fix their constant rejection.

    If only I had done it sooner rather than spend ten years hoping to be accepted by someone who didn’t appreciate me!

    So the next time you are rejected, instead of immediately reacting, consider the situation. Accept your rejector’s judgment that you don’t fit, because they are right.

    Of course, it may still hurt a bit. In fact, it may hurt a lot. But if you keep reminding yourself that you would have eventually come to the exact same conclusion, and if you allow yourself to be grateful for the time and further hurt you have just been saved, you will be much better equipped to negotiate where you go from this point.

    And best of all, you’ll be free to find a place—be it a job, a friendship, or a romantic relationship—that honors who you really are and allows you to thrive, grow, and make the most of your unique gifts and perspective.

  • Why I Thanked My Ex and Now Appreciate the Heartbreak

    Why I Thanked My Ex and Now Appreciate the Heartbreak

    “How thankful I am today, to know that all my past struggles were necessary for me to be where I am now.” ~Unknown

    I met my ex-boyfriend, let’s call him Derek, through work. We were introduced through mutual co-workers, and then we hit it off and began dating.

    We had a connection right away, partly based on physical attraction, but also we laughed a lot together, and I felt cared for by him.

    We lived in different cities at the time, but would see each other every other weekend. We dated this way for a year and then talked about moving in together.

    We decided that I would uproot myself and move to his city because he had a steady, stable career and could not leave it. I had extreme anxiety about moving away from my friends and my life, but for several reasons, the fear of being alone being the major one, I decided to move.

    Living together was tough at first. We had different ways of doing things, but we figured it out—or so I thought.

    A few months in, I became severely depressed and my past anxiety came back in full force. I’d gained twenty pounds in four months due to extreme emotional eating. I used food in a desperate attempt to feel better, trying to fill the void any way I could.

    Six months after moving in together, Derek broke up with me one day when I got home from work. I was emotionally and mentally unstable and completely blindsided. I felt totally alone and given up on, and I had no idea what to do. I packed a suitcase, put my cat in her carrier, and left.

    There wasn’t one person I knew who didn’t support me during this time. I moved back to the city I had left six months earlier and lived with my sister for a month while borrowing money from my mom.

    I talked to my friends and family every day to try to feel better, and they offered their help as best they could.

    Support from most people though meant bashing Derek, the breaker-upper, and letting me know why I shouldn’t have been with him or why we weren’t meant for one another. For some reason, though, I knew in my heart that focusing on his negatives was not the way I needed get over him.

    Derek was not a bad person; after all, I had fallen in love with him not that long beforehand. He was not evil, nor selfish, nor a coward. He was necessary. He was in my life for a very specific purpose, which I now know was to crack my wounded, scared, anxious heart wide open for healing.

    The depression wasn’t enough to get my attention, and neither was the anxiety, nor the extreme weight gain I had experienced. I needed him to guide me toward an opening that I was completely blind to.

    Had I not felt my heart break a thousand times over at the end of that relationship, I don’t know what torture I would have put myself through or how long it would have taken for me to begin the healing journey I have been on since then.

    In putting myself back together, I knew I needed help. I knew I could not do what I needed to do by myself, nor did I want to. I wanted support, I wanted tools other than medication, and I wanted a different life than the one I had been living.

    I began seeing a spiritual counselor who helped me heal and learn to listen to my heart. We worked extensively on my wounds from childhood and my fear of abandonment, which came from losing my father to suicide at a very early age.

    I needed to come face to face with my inner self and recognize she was crying out for attention and love.

    In the past five years since getting help I’ve also changed my diet, the way I exercise, my view on my body, my friends, my relationships with my family, and view on romantic relationships.

    I now believe that every single person we come in contact with shows up in our lives for a reason. Had I not dated Derek, I would not have woken up to my life. I would have stayed asleep and continued to live in a way that did not nourish my soul.

    I never would have healed enough to allow another beautiful soul into my life—a man who is now my partner, who supports me in a way I would haven’t thought possible five years ago.

    Two years after my relationship with Derek ended, I was back working for the same company where he and I met and we had our annual meeting coming up. I would see him for the first time since I moved out two years before.

    I was nervous but knew the healing I had done around our relationship would help me. I had also practiced, in meditation, what I wanted our meeting to feel like when I saw him again.

    As I sat down in the restaurant and got settled at our annual meeting, I felt someone behind me come around for a big hug. It was Derek, and nervously smiling at me.

    I opened my arms and hugged him warmly, my heart beating out of my chest. I was scared I was going to get emotional, and that all of our co-workers would see me break down and get upset. Instead, I hugged him, smiled at him, and asked him how his family was.

    We chatted pleasantly for a few minutes and then I paused. I looked him in the eyes, feeling a fondness and said, “I need to thank you.”

    He looked at me with shock and asked what for. I told him about the journey I had been on since our breakup, the healing I had done, and the forgiveness I was able to feel. I owned up to my part in our relationship being unhealthy and told him if it hadn’t been for him, I may not be alive today, happy, and connected to myself.

    He had no words for a moment. Then he said he was afraid that I was going to be upset, and that he felt extreme guilt for how things ended, but he didn’t know what else to do at the time. He also shared that he’d learned since then that he needs to communicate better with people and work on understanding.

    I know some people hear my story and think there’s no way they could ever forgive their ex or be friendly or open to them again. And please understand that forgiveness does not mean condoning. I chose to forgive Derek for me. I needed to forgive him in order to properly learn and grow from our experience together, but that doesn’t mean I don’t recognize there were things he could have done differently.

    If you were treated badly, cheated on, talked down to, or lied to, I understand the pain, but I also invite you to open up to the idea that we are in charge of our lives and what we get from our experiences.

    We each have the opportunity to look under the surface of our pain and see the end of one thing as an opportunity for another. We can take our heartbreak and turn it into heart growth. It’s begging for us to do so, in fact.

    If we can infuse gratitude into our pain, we will experience miraculous shifts in our lives. My hope for you is this: that you can move through your pain, heal your heart, and one day, when you run into that person you once dreaded seeing, you can look at them, recognize yourself, and say “thank you.”

  • Are You a Multipotentialite? What to Do When You Have Many Interests

    Are You a Multipotentialite? What to Do When You Have Many Interests

    “I think a singular identity isn’t very interesting, and I’m a little bit more multifaceted as a person than that.” ~Catherine Opie

    Are you a person who gets inspiring ideas every day? Do you wake up, galvanized with such thoughts, only to end up feeling sore as the day ends because you failed to act on these bright morning ideas? Perhaps you also end up blaming yourself and feeling guilty for not having taken any action.

    Then welcome to the world of multipotentialite, a word I first encountered when I heard a TEDX talk by Emilie Wapnick. In her talk, Emilie talks about the challenges multipotentialites face and how to embrace them.

    Multipotentialite Defined

    So who is a multipotentialite? The urban dictionary defines it as “somebody who has potential in multiple fields.” Sounds cool, right? It seems that such a person would lead a meaningful life. They’d never get bored, as there would always be something to catch their fancy.

    Unfortunately, it doesn’t usually work out that way. How do I know? I happen to be one.

    I am a software engineer turned writer, counselor, web designer, and trek guide. I haven’t stuck to any particular field, so I cannot say I am an expert or a specialist—words the world loves.

    I detest family gatherings. Do you know why? People around me talk about promotions and their success while I talk about beginnings. I don’t mind; I’m a learner. But it’s difficult to explain to your family, who wishes to see you settled in your career, that you have multiple interests.

    Without a supportive environment, several things can go wrong. Here are some of them.

    Great ideas but no follow through

    You get plenty of ideas, so much so that it becomes overwhelming. There are countless things you’d like to do right away. Sometimes it’s difficult to choose, for fear that you’ll leave it mid-way. Or you have a desire to do a multitude of things, all at once. Or the dissatisfaction of the earlier half-finished projects may bog you down, so you don’t start at all.

    You’re labeled “irresponsible” or “afraid to commit”

    You begin to feel that you’re not a responsible person because you don’t stick to anything. After all, hasn’t it been drilled into you that success depends on your level of commitment? And a lack of commitment could mean anything from not being serious to being irresponsible and careless.

    The blame game

    You start blaming yourself. The pressure to perform and stick to one particular career or task intensifies. It may be a self-created vortex, or others around you will contribute to the pressure by saying things like, “get serious” or “discipline is just what you need.”

    Not fitting in

    Finally ,you realize you don’t fit in. You start feeling something’s wrong with you, that you’re not like other “normal” people around you who commit to doing things. You believe you’re different and feel you don’t belong anywhere. This can also lead to loneliness or a sense of being alone in the world.

    Disappointments greet you

    When you’re unable to come up with a goal for yourself, it can hurt. You know you’re ready to put in the hard work, but goals keep changing, as nothing interests you for long. The hurt and disappointment can erode your self-confidence, as well.

    The matrix

    Yet you try. You keep searching for that single purpose that will make you feel whole again. Maybe you feel there’s something out there that is “you”—something that’s meant especially for you. You only have to find it and then you’ll be okay. Beware: This path is full of lies.

    The feeling of being abnormal

    You begin searching for mental disorders on the web. Maybe this is a symptom of a condition, or maybe it signifies a psychiatric illness. The web is extremely helpful here, as it displays twenty or more different disorders that you could box yourself into.

    You suppress

    You start sticking to a goal even if it kills you. You wake up day after day reassuring yourself that things will work out in the end. The suppression does not get you anywhere. Instead, you feel a disconnect, an overwhelming feeling that something is missing.

    So this, in a nutshell, is the world of multipotentialites.

    In spite of their vulnerabilities, multipotentialites can get a lot done. They’re generally quick learners who are able to grasp varied things, a strength that they could capitalize on. In a team they can come up with innovative ideas; the jack-of-all-trades does not lack solutions. Belief in yourself is the only thing that’s missing. Well, that and a couple of other things.

    Trust that the dots connect.

    Nothing ever goes to waste. The skills you learn along the way will help you in the future.

    For a brief period I got a job as a travel writer when a magazine editor realized that I had explored quite a number of places within my city.

    A web design course helped me juggle multiple roles at a start-up that was always short on staff.

    The counseling degree gave me a better understanding of people around me. It also helped when my friend needed a student counselor for her tuition center.

    So my skills were put to good use and I sometimes got paid too, without any conscious effort on my part.

    Take small steps.

    A quote by Katie Kacvinsky sums this aptly. She says, “You need to be content with small steps. That’s all life is. Small steps that you take every day so when you look back down the road it all adds up and you know you covered some distance.”

    Especially when you have hundreds of things that you would like to do, it helps to make a list. Write down your desires and start with one of them. That’s it. Don’t expect anything except the desire to learn.

    When you feel saturated, stop and proceed to do the next thing on your list.

    The list will grow and so will you. Drop the expectations that you need to finish the project. It’s the learning that counts for you.

    Looks for creative ways to contribute.

    Maybe you could utilize your skills to earn more, by writing in your particular field, coaching, or even speaking. The important thing is not to give up on your interests; instead, look at them closely and see how you can proactively pursue them to better your situation. This removes the pressure on you and you start feeling less anxious.

    Connect with people who can relate.

    Joining a like-minded community helps put things in perspective. Forums and websites like Puttylike, started by Emilie, can help you restore your faith in yourself and move ahead in your life.

    In the end it’s all about perspective. A quote by George Carlin sums it rather well.

    “Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

    So choose to focus on your strengths. Success will surely follow.

  • Dealing with Bullies: How to Cope When People Are Cruel

    Dealing with Bullies: How to Cope When People Are Cruel

    “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

    I was the quintessential late bloomer, not hitting my growth spurt until my junior year of high school. I’m six feet tall now, but for all of middle school and the first half of high school, I was one of the shortest kids in the entire school.

    Additionally, some thought I had a slight lisp. I was extremely self-conscious about it after a few people unkindly pointed it out to me. During my senior year I wore Invisalign braces, which corrected my teeth and improved my speech mannerisms, but for many years I was embarrassed about my pronunciation of certain words.

    I was frequently bullied for how short I was and the way I spoke. Since I had low self-esteem already, I felt like I was fundamentally flawed and unworthy as a person. It’s safe to say high school was an extremely difficult time.

    When I went to a small liberal arts school called McDaniel College down in Westminster, Maryland, I was ready to start over. I was especially looking forward to meeting new people and leaving the days of being bullied behind. That’s when I met Tom (name changed to protect his privacy).

    The Worst Bully I Ever Had to Face

    Tom was on my college baseball team. He was the meanest, nastiest, cruelest bully I’ve ever had to face in my life.

    Tom hated my guts, and to this day I don’t know why. I’m an analytical and observant person, so here’s my educated guess: One of my values is kindness, so when I meet people, I’m friendly. Perhaps Tom didn’t think I was one of the cool kids because I was “too nice.”

    Tom hung around fellow bullies, people who enjoyed making fun of people. There’s nothing Tom enjoyed more than disrespecting others and making them feel unworthy, it seemed, perhaps because it made him feel better about himself.

    Tom didn’t bully me for my height or for the way I spoke; he bullied me because of my general lack of confidence. I was afraid of him, and he knew it.

    At one party, he told me to go hide in the closet. At another party, he made me feel so unwelcome and embarrassed that I left the party. At the gym once, he purposely bumped into me in an aggressive way and then walked away.

    Why did I do nothing while he treated me like this?

    Two main reasons: One, no one ever taught me how to properly stand up for myself. I did not have the skills, tools, or know-how to assert myself. Two, during my senior year of high school, I came incredibly close to committing suicide. There was still a part of me wondering if I belonged on this planet.

    I had acne that wouldn’t go away, and because I didn’t like myself, I subconsciously thought maybe I deserved to be treated like garbage. Ridiculous, I know, but my self-esteem was low at that point in my life. Bullies like Tom prey on people with low self-esteem, and I was his prime target.

    I stopped going to any baseball parties or social functions. I sat in my room by myself on Friday and Saturday nights. While my teammates were partying, I was letting my social anxiety get the best of me.

    My anxiety ran sky-high when the thought of Tom crossed my mind. I was letting this one person dominate my life. I became depressed because I never would have expected bullying to continue into college. I wondered if things would ever get better.

    The Silver Lining

    After some dark and isolated nights—made easier thanks to phone calls with my awesome younger sister, Annemarie—I realized I had to stop letting Tom ruin my college experience. I started to introduce myself to other people on the campus. I joined other groups and made all sorts of new friends.

    I only saw Tom and the rest of my baseball teammates during a practice, game, or mandatory team function. Many of the other players on the team looked up to Tom as the leader of the pack, the tough guy they admired, so they weren’t people I felt comfortable being around.

    While I chose McDaniel College to continue my baseball career, I decided to stop spending time with people who didn’t think highly of me whenever I could. I made many great friends at my college, and very few of them were on the baseball team.

    I ended up having a great college experience because of this. If not for my experience with Tom, I may not have extended my social circle that far.

    So I have two words for Tom: thank you. Thank you for redirecting me toward kinder, more loving people. Thank you for giving me the motivation to introduce myself to new people instead of limiting myself to some silly clique.

    Eventually, some of the other players on the team noticed how many people I knew at the school. A few of them even said I was popular. I realized something profound then: When you are rejected by a person or group of people, life has given you an opportunity to expand your horizons, meet new people, and make new friends.

    My senior year of college, with my confidence finally starting to rise, I had the guts to go tailgate with my baseball teammates during a school football game. Tom punched me square in the face and then immediately left before I had a chance to say or do anything.

    A week later, I saw him at the library. Rather than retaliate or seek revenge, I asked to have a discussion with him, and he agreed.

    He told me he’d punched me because I was drinking his friend’s beer—the beer that was supposedly for all the players on the baseball team, except for me, that is. I was the only one on the team harassed for this.

    Tom went on to say that during freshman year he didn’t think I was one of the cool kids. He explained that he didn’t hate me as a person, but he didn’t agree with a lot of the things I did.

    “Everyone has their own opinions,” he said. I had no idea what he meant, as in my freshman year of college I was always kind and respectful to others, but rather than inquire further into his inner world, I kept the discussion brief. More than anything else, I was glad the feud was likely coming to an end.

    I don’t know what made Tom become kinder than usual in this final conversation of ours, but as we made eye contact, he could see the big black eye he gave me. He didn’t outright apologize to me, but he clearly felt sorry for what he did. His words and actions were conciliatory.

    Perhaps he respected that I had just spent two semesters abroad, studying at McDaniel’s satellite campus in Budapest, Hungary, as he did mention my travels in our discussion. He probably realized I’d made the most of my opportunities and had an enriching college experience, despite his continual and incessant disrespect.

    To my surprise, he ended the conversation by shaking my hand. We then peacefully went our separate ways. By that point he had quit the baseball team, and I no longer had to see him every day. He never bothered me again.

    How to Move Beyond Bullying

    Dealing with bullying is never easy or pleasant, but it comes with the territory of being human. Bullying happens not only on sports teams and in schools but also in the workplace and other organizations. I hope these tips will help you deal with the cruel people in your life and come out on top.

    Have Compassion

    It can be difficult to have compassion for your bullies, but it helps to remember that hurt people hurt people.

    Bullies want to make you think there is something wrong with you. The truth is there is nothing wrong with you, and they’re the ones with the problem. Deep down inside they feel scared and unworthy, and they believe the only way to build themselves up is to tear someone else down.

    Truly, feel bad for people like this. As I recently learned from my friend Evan Carmichael during a YouTube live discussion with him, this does not mean you must say out loud that you have compassion for them. It’s something you can do within your mind, heart, and soul. Practicing compassion makes it easier to not take things personally and to not react emotionally.

    Don’t Let Their Opinion Define Your Reality

    Tom thought I wasn’t worth hanging out with, but the truth is I have a lot to offer people. Despite Tom’s opinion of me, I ended up making plenty of friends.

    In what parts of your life are you letting cruel naysayers limit you? You are not defined by what other people think; you are defined by your actions and what you think of yourself.

    Don’t let a bully change the way you view yourself. The next time a bully says something to you that isn’t true, pause. Then calmly say, Oh, really? Shrug your shoulders and move on with your day. The bully will most likely be neutralized.

    They are looking to get a reaction out of you and feed off your defensiveness. When you show them that their opinion means little to you, they tend to leave you alone.

    Meet New People

    A bully is one person. There are lots of great people out there in the world for you to meet. Don’t let one bad egg, or a few bad eggs, spoil the bunch.

    If you are in school, join other groups that interest you. If you are in the workplace, attend networking events and other kinds of social outings outside of work each month. The person who will change your life in a positive way is one step beyond your biggest doubt. Don’t be afraid to get outside your comfort zone because it will show you that the world is filled with awesome people.

    Talk to a Close Friend or Family Member

    When I was all alone on a Saturday night in my dorm room, isolated from my teammates, and before I met new people at my college, talking to my sister on the phone helped to remind me of all that was good about me and my life.

    You are only alone if you choose to be alone. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member you feel comfortable with and vent your innermost thoughts and feelings to them. It feels good to have a listening ear, someone who reminds us of our value. Sometimes, we get so caught up in our problems that we forget about the wonderful person we are.

    Don’t Cross the Line Just Because They Do

    My sophomore year of college, while I was drunk, without thinking I went to Tom’s dorm room with a friend, knocked on the door, and went in. It was confrontational, but more than anything else it was an insecure “let’s be friends” kind of thing.

    My incoherence, coupled with the fact that he really didn’t like me, made this a really bad and immature idea. By doing this, I opened up old wounds. His inexcusable actions were definitely on him, but it was not the right time, and I was not in the right state to talk to him. We didn’t get into a fight that night, and he was actually pretty calm in the moment, but it gave him more incentive to bully me in the future, since I’d invaded his private space.

    Remember that just because someone else crosses the line, that doesn’t mean you have to cross it as well. You’re not responsible for what someone else does to you, but you are responsible for how you respond to it.

    Assert Yourself Without Overreacting

    When dealing with a bully who won’t leave you alone, sometimes you need to assert yourself without overreacting. To respond in an even-keeled way, focus on asserting how you feel. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements as much as you can.

    When you accuse the bully, it will egg them on to keep going. But when you focus on how you feel, it will point out to the bully that they’ve crossed the line. Here are some examples. Try to do this during one-on-one conversations, but say it in the moment if necessary:

    • I don’t like the disrespect. Please stop.
    • I feel frustrated that I’m not getting my space. I’m not getting any respect.
    • I don’t like how our conversations are always one-sided. I need to share my thoughts too.
    • I don’t deserve this. I deserve better.
    • I’m not happy with this. The negativity is pointless. Stop it, or we’re done.

    These tactics did not work with Tom for many years, but they might work with a less extreme bully.

    Send Them Love and Forgiveness

    The late, great Susan Jeffers created an exercise I absolutely love. When you are alone, imagine the bully you are dealing with as a child. Surround them with light and love, and repeat in your mind, I send them love, I send them love, I send them love.

    I was so afraid of Tom that he became a monster in my mind, dictating my actions around my college campus for a while. The truth is, he is a person like the rest of us, and something went seriously wrong in his upbringing. You don’t know what the bully has been through; they’ve become this way because they are hurting on the inside. Send them love and forgiveness.

    Go to the Authorities When Needed

    Be the bigger person, but only do so up to your limits. After Tom physically attacked me with a strong punch that left me with a bruised eye, I was at my limit. In one last attempt to end it, I peacefully confronted him face-to-face, and it worked.

    I don’t believe in retaliation or violence, so I stuck to my values even after he physically hurt me. With that said, if he attacked or threatened me even one more time, I would have gone to my coach and the campus authorities.

    When a bully turns into a criminal, please do not ever be afraid to take action. The bully wants you to live in a prison of fear, but when they see you will not tolerate their actions, they will stop. The last resort before turning it over to the authorities is to tell them directly, “If this doesn’t stop, I’m going to [person in position of authority].”

    They may try to make you feel like less of a person for doing this, but remember that their opinion doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you do what you need to do to find a solution.

    Putting It All Together

    Bullying is an international epidemic, and it needs to stop. But before the world comes to its senses, we’re going to have to learn how to deal with nasty, difficult people.

    The truth is we can’t control how other people act, but we can control how we respond to those other people. By sending our bullies compassion, asserting ourselves, and choosing not to be defined by their opinions, we can create a happy ending for ourselves.

    The experience itself may be a nightmare, but you can peacefully move on with your life knowing you are a person of integrity and values.

    You can move beyond the bullying you are experiencing, or have already experienced. You can find the silver lining and come out on top.

  • Our Power Lies In How We Choose to Respond to Our Pain

    Our Power Lies In How We Choose to Respond to Our Pain

    “The strongest hearts have the most scars.” ~Unknown 

    Maybe it’s true, that the strongest hearts have the most scars.

    And maybe the pain and the discomfort we experience in life can serve as a great teacher, if we choose to see it that way.

    Everyone has bumps, bruises, and pains in life, right?

    Things happen that are outside our control, and it’s up to each one of us to decide how these experiences shape us.

    There are those who endure incredible trauma and pain and choose to use those experiences to see life differently. They learn from it, grow, and move on.

    And there are also those that go through horrible pain and don’t have strong hearts. They have broken hearts that just stay broken.

    What’s the key difference between those who are able to find meaning from their hardships and move on and those who don’t?

    This difference is the very key that took my life from one big red-hot-mess to what I would define as true success—a life of freedom, happiness, and meaning, soulfully driven and led by spirit.

    But it didn’t start that way.

    I didn’t choose to be adopted.

    I didn’t choose to have a table fall on my head when I was five, causing a severe head injury and coma, which would require a decade full of EEG’s and anti-seizure meds.

    I didn’t plan an ugly divorce. I didn’t plan on meeting the love of my life at a wacky spiritual retreat in Brazil and then, in saying yes to that love, losing friends, family, and my home in the process.

    I didn’t choose a lot of the bumps, bruises, and scars that visibly covered my body and secretly covered my heart.

    The first, most significant scar probably started when I was adopted.

    I was the product of a teen pregnancy—loveless and unplanned. My birth mother was sent away from her small hometown to give birth to me in a strange city, alone and, I am sure, quite freaked out. I don’t imagine it was the idyllic birth experience most of us moms would want to have.

    Having two incredible daughters that are pretty much pieces of my heart walking around on this earth, I know well what it means to be a mother. I know what it means to carry, grow, nurture, and raise a human in this world. I know what it means to be willing to do anything for your children.

    I also know what it means to not feel connected to a mother.

    I know what it’s like to feel like an outsider—unwanted, unseen, and unheard.

    And regardless of how amazing my adoptive parents were (and still are), I still felt like the oddball, and not a real part of the family.

    I felt like a mistake.

    I grew up feeling like there must have been something wrong with me since my own mother gave me up for adoption.

    I must have been broken. I must have been a freak, so I had to do everything humanly possible to not let them see the truth—that I was not worthy of love because I was not worthy of being kept.

    So I carried that scar with me, ready to sabotage relationships due to a fear of abandonment.

    Ready to sabotage success due to a fear of not being good enough, for anything.

    I didn’t realize, at that moment, that I was choosing a pattern of thinking and feeling that was keeping me stuck.  

    No one was forcing me to feel unworthy and to think negative thoughts about myself. I was choosing my pain. I was perpetuating the story rather than seeing my pain as a teacher, learning from it, and finding meaning in it.

    It wasn’t until I made a conscious choice to address my pain, get help, and learn to see my struggles in a different light that things shifted dramatically for me.

    And this didn’t happen overnight.

    It was a gradual process of awakening that began with seeing a qualified therapist in my late teens.

    Because I had a deep desire to understand more about human behavior and motivation, I majored in psychology and sociology. After that, I became a voracious student of personal growth and spiritual work, digesting all I could in the form of books, courses, and retreats.

    I started noticing that I was relating to my past experiences differently.

    I was telling a new story that embodied what I had learned from these various modalities.

    It wasn’t my fault that I was given up for adoption, nor did it mean I was unworthy. And I wasn’t a horrible, ugly person because of some of the choices I had made—I was human.

    Those painful experiences didn’t define my life in a negative sense any longer. The old story of hurt, blame, and resentment was replaced with a new story of healing, awareness, and inner strength.

    In my opinion, this is one of the key reasons people either learn, grow, and move on or they stay stuck in victim mode and keep hurting. They choose to stay stuck in the painful place by holding on to the disempowering story that causes them to suffer. They keep playing the tape of the hurt rather than the tape of the healing.

    To move on, transcend, and grow from any painful experience requires courage, willingness, and the belief that you can choose to see your past differently—that you can feel differently about it and free yourself from the chains of pain.

    But it can’t change without that belief. You need to believe it’s possible in order to choose a different way of reacting.

    That is ground zero.

    Some will argue that it isn’t that simple—that there would be less misery and more joy on our planet if it were that easy to move on from our emotional pains.

    And I would respond by saying that while it may be a simple idea, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.

    It’s simple to understand that you can choose to see and think differently about something, which will then change how you feel about it.

    The hard part comes in choosing to think and react in new ways, and choosing to get help if you need it. This requires work, strength, support, compassion, and sometimes just time.

    It’s not a quick fix and it’s not always a straight line to get from hurt to healed.

    But it’s the very thing that turned my life from mess to miracles, and the very thing I have seen create massive shifts in others lives as well—the power of choice.

    We have to choose to feel and acknowledge our pain so that we can heal from it; to commit to therapy or support groups so that we can understand our pain; and to know that it’s possible to turn any pain, and challenge, into our greatest teacher.

    When we are able to turn our messes into miracles, our pain into purpose, we win.

    And I get it; when we are in the middle of our suffering, we aren’t able to see the gift in it because pain can consume us. In the moment, no one is going to see the positive side of being hurt, abused, or abandoned. At that point, it’s more about survival.

    But what we do after we experience pain is our choice and our point of power.

    While we may not be able to choose all the things that happen to us in life, we do get to choose how to react to those things. We get to choose what they mean to us.  

    I think about the Austrian psychiatrist and neurologist Victor Frankl, who survived the holocaust and was able to find meaning in that terrible experience.

    His story, like so many others who have survived terrible tragedy, always leaves me in awe of the strength of the human spirit and heart.

    He was able to see, even in his unimaginable situation, that he could still choose hope and love. Even though his wife had been killed, he chose to remember her love and let that be his guiding light and strength.

    Although they had taken everything else from him, they couldn’t take the most profound and precious of all human freedoms—the ability to choose his own way. The ability to choose love over hate and hope over despair.

    I stop and remember this when I think my life is hard or when I feel strongly challenged by something. If Victor Frankl could choose meaning over misery in a situation as dire as the holocaust, then anything is possible. Any hurt is possible to heal.

    As Frankl wrote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

    When you look at your hardships and challenges as just another personal test and know that what’s on the others side of that is a more expansive way to see life, it’s a win. But when you see life’s bumps as one giant bummer and nothing but that, it’s a loss.

    It doesn’t matter if you’ve experienced pain like Victor Frankl or pain from a broken heart, health diagnosis, job loss, or whatever. Pain is pain, and it’s all subjective. One person’s pain isn’t greater than another’s. We all feel, we all hurt, and ultimately, we all have a choice in how we deal with it.

    We move through our pain because we must. We do it because the alternative is a slow death sentence.

    We have a choice. Our true power lies in our ability to choose how to react to what happens to us. And then to keep choosing an attitude like Victor Frankl’s, until it becomes a habit of empowerment and what pained you no longer does.

    Choose to see light in the darkness, beauty in the ugliness, and love no matter what. That is the path that will you lead you to happiness and healing, and the path to a strong, resilient heart.

  • Love Isn’t Enough (and Other Reasons I Ended My Toxic Relationship)

    Love Isn’t Enough (and Other Reasons I Ended My Toxic Relationship)

    “Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes we prolong relationships for the sake of comfort and familiarity. We’re fearful of what’s out there, and life without a partner. No matter how many times we’ve been hurt, taken for granted, or had our needs neglected, we still choose to stay even if our mind and heart strongly suggest otherwise.

    I thought I was strong for putting up with my ex’s mistreatment. I had held the ability to forgive in high regard, and I wanted to keep that standard.

    I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve been dumped fifty times by the same person, yet I put my happiness aside for them. I can’t even count the number of nights I cried myself to sleep. Even in the shower, I found myself taking longer than I used to because I shed my tears there, where nobody would find out.

    The worst part was when I could no longer fully express my feelings to other people due to the fear of getting hurt as I was being hurt in my relationship. I tried hard to numb my emotions so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain, but that also meant being unable to feel joy or any other positive emotion.

    The last straw happened when I went on a three-week vacation in Canada and the United States. We didn’t communicate often due to my ex’s work, and I was touring different places with my family, so Internet wasn’t accessible at all times.

    I hadn’t felt so free in a long while. I focused on seeing the world and spending my time with my loved ones, and I didn’t miss my ex one bit. Coming home from a vacation always gave me post-travel depression, but this one hit me much harder, since I knew I had to face the reality of my relationship again.

    As expected, within days of my return, my ex and I fought for the nth time. I’ll never forget the exact words that were hurled at me. “You’re a loser. You don’t deserve a vacation.”

    The crying and self-loathing came back. Except this time, I knew I had a choice and realized that I was choosing my own heartbreak. I remember the freedom I’d felt while away and decided I wanted that feeling wherever I went.

    It might have been a hard pill to swallow, but after six years of an on-again, off-again relationship, I came to the conclusion that it was time to break it off for good.

    The process was far from easy. It was a messy and dramatic breakup, and it took two months until there was absolutely no contact between us. No texts, no calls, no emails or messages on messenger apps, nothing.

    We were together for six years, starting in my teens, so initially I had no idea how to move on from somebody who had been present while I was building my identity as a person.

    Times like these put us in deep contemplation. We ask ourselves, “Is the sole purpose of my existence for him/her?” Or we tell ourselves, “No one else can make me happy.”

    Well, I’m here to tell you that, no, those things aren’t true.

    It’s been almost a year now, and things have been incredible for me. I am proud to say that I have moved on 100% from my past relationship.

    The following are lessons I’ve learned along the way:

    1. Love alone is never enough.

    Formerly, I firmly believed that “love conquers all.” Never mind the problems, never mind the emotional abuse, never mind the important stuff we could never agree on; as long as there was love, everything would fall into place. But it didn’t.

    I loved my ex very much and was loved back, but that didn’t change that I’d been disrespected. It didn’t change that my needs weren’t being met, despite how vocal I was about them. Is it even possible to love somebody who constantly degrades you?

    We were unable to make it because while love was there, respect and understanding weren’t. I was too wounded to express all my thoughts and feelings because I knew they would only fall on deaf ears. Our relationship consisted of never-ending fights, and the false idea that love would solve our problems.

    When I recognized how much self-respect and dignity I’d sacrificed, I realized that relationships need more than love to be successful.

    Love is a powerful thing. We need it, it feels good, but we shouldn’t use it to justify losing ourselves.

    2. We’re worthy, with or without a partner.

    Other single people around me complain about their relationship status and use it as the basis of their self-worth. I used to think that way too, until I imagined what the future would be like if I continued to have that mentality.

    If I retained that mentality, I would never truly be happy because I would always be dependent on my partner for love. I would always need that external validation instead of focusing on how I felt about myself.

    Since my breakup, I choose to love myself through daily actions. I get more sleep at night, commit myself to a workout routine, eat healthier, and spend time around people who make me feel good about myself.

    I happily accept the love I receive from friends and family because I know that I’m worthy, and I’m deserving of good things in this world.

    3. Life is uncertain and we must embrace it.

    My ex and I planned to live in a small house, with lots of dogs, and travel the world. We were going to run away from my parents, who didn’t approve of us, and live happily ever after. We weren’t going to have any kids, but we were going to pour ourselves into charity.

    At least, that was the plan.

    When a relationship is new, everything is great. I thought we’d eventually get married and execute all our plans easily. I was treating it like a fairy tale and refused to believe that we were less than perfect for each other. Fast-forward six years later, almost everything drastically changed.

    After the breakup, the uncertainty scared me. I asked myself what was going to happen to me now that I didn’t have any plans. I never knew that freedom could be so terrifying and liberating at the same time.

    I didn’t let the fear of the unknown stop me from following through with my decision. If I had stayed, the same problems would have continued occurring. Nothing would have changed. I knew I would never be happy staying in something that was detrimental to my self-esteem.

    Of course, leaving my unhealthy relationship doesn’t guarantee my next one will work out; it just means I’ve opened myself up to the possibility of finding a suitable partner.

    The happiest people in history never settled for less than what they deserved when pursuing their goals. The same should apply in our search for a life partner. It’s only by knowing our worth that we’re able to find real, lasting love.

  • Take the Leap: Reinvent Yourself and Be Who You Want to Be

    Take the Leap: Reinvent Yourself and Be Who You Want to Be

    “The only thing that punk rock should ever really mean is not sitting around and waiting for the lights to go green.” ~Frank Turner

    I was exactly where I should have been on the afternoon I jumped. I was four years post-undergrad at an elite private college, halfway through a Masters Degree from the nation’s top Social Work program, about to begin an internship, and working three public service jobs simultaneously. My boyfriend had just moved into my apartment, and the feeling of being “settled” was just starting to sink in.

    The remaining challenge of adulthood, it seemed, would be finding the energy to keep working seven days a week on no sleep, maintaining each job so the humble salary of any single one wouldn’t become my sole source of income.

    It seemed fair to me. But moreover, it seemed normal. My father had driven to work at 4:00am my entire life, only returning at dinnertime to retreat to his home office and get started on his other work—the stuff that really paid the bills. Now that I was in my twenties it felt appropriate, mature even, to grind away the day and night and wear sleeplessness with pride.

    The “nobility” of my work in foster care added an even deeper sense of meaning. I felt my own self-worth balloon in relation to how many families I visited each week, how many ice cream cones I bought for abandoned kids, and how many miles I put on my car. It seemed to be filling some empty space in me.

    On some days, when I wasn’t listening to audio courses or dictating homework into my phone on the way to work, I would play a favorite punk album and sink into memory: epic sing-a-longs in dark rooms with my favorite bands and sweaty strangers.

    I’d remember the thrill of wandering Berkeley, California (my heart home) at night, pen in hand, and letting the poetry flood through me. I’d feel the thrill of sharing my words with other artists, talking free verse and Tom Waits and chapbook titles.

    But that was rare. I had grown up.

    Like most who plunge full-hearted into social services, my passion had formed as a direct response to a lifelong series of personal sh*t-storms, and my mission was to learn how to use my experiences to help others.

    And here I was, doing it, making the difference. By twenty-five I had built an unmistakable identity. Ambitious and tough, I was proud that my accomplishments in addition to my exterior image (despite my 5’2”/100 lb. stature) spoke of tenacity, unexpected power, and passion.

    Except at night I watched my boyfriend’s band practice and something bubbled under the surface, making my throat ache and my fists clench anxiously. At work I’d talk to clients about the importance of holistic health, drawing out their Life Circle and stressing the importance of following your bliss and all that new-age crap. I’d smile and shake hands and say things like, “If it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it.”

    And I’d feel like a fraud.

    I was always, always, always in helper mode, but I was tired and numb. I longed just to find a sunny spot and read a book. 

    If you’re a helper, a healer, or a big-hearted person by nature, you know this ride, the push and pull of every daily interaction. An immediate clinical assessment, the five-minute inventory of a total stranger’s strengths and needs, and the “simple” things you can and must do to help them, make them smile, save them.

    Go to the grocery store and repeat. Go to your second and third job and ask what else you can do for the team. Go home and make dinner. Chip away at the text-stream, put out fires, offer condolences, advice, and both ears. Try to read five pages of a new self-help book before falling asleep on the couch, spent.

    Unchecked, it’s easy to live and die this way.

    So when I reached the top of the rock cliff forty feet above the calm blue quarry, I wasn’t expecting the invisible force that pulled me forward, though I should have been—my rebellious spirit had been waiting for the right moment to rescue me.

    To this day, the line between accident and intention is blurry. I had scaled the same precipice many times before, watching from the grassy patches as others ran and leapt and landed feet-first in the water with glee. My deep phobia of water was powerful, though, and I was always happy to climb back down the rocky slope to meet my friends at the shore.

    But this time was different; I was begging for an alternate ending. It wasn’t that I was knowingly asking for death, or even feeling particularly self-destructive. It was more like a deep internal urgency had hitched itself to the late summer air, and all at once, I knew I was supposed to take the plunge, to surrender myself to gravity, to water and earth.

    It was a sunny September day and my man was waiting in the water below.

    I wasn’t thinking about my lifelong fear of drowning, or my work cell phone, which was definitely ringing incessantly in the car a few miles back through the woods. I wasn’t thinking of anything. But my heart was pounding up my throat. My hands were sweating, and every time I revved myself up to make the short run to the edge, my stomach dropped and my feet felt stuck in mud.

    For the final minute on top of that cliff I felt the weight of my entire life—the straight A’s, the career ladder, the desperate drive to please my parents, the pressure, the self-denial—holding me in place. Still, sirens were ringing in my head and something wild was screaming, begging me to move.

    I took one last shaking breath, willed my right foot forward, then my left, pushed my black Vans off the edge, and leapt into empty air. 

    In order to land safely in the quarry, a diver must maintain perfect aim and balance, remaining upright so the impact of twelve feet of water is absorbed through the feet. Instead, closing my eyes and curling instinctively into fetal position, I hit the water face first. The impact shattered the bones in my face, causing my eye to break through the socket—muscles trapped in fissures, vision lost, reality gone.

    The last thing I remember from my first life is the feeling of a heated blanket in a dark hospital room. The neck brace made it hard to breathe and harder to gag each time I felt like puking from the pain.

    Paul, my man, my motivator, and my guardian angel, sat beside me in a metal folding chair for hours. When the painkillers finally took over and I sunk into oblivion, the feeling came rushing and brought tears to my eyes—stillness, relief, ecstasy. I whispered to Paul, though probably only in my mind, “Thank you for killing me.”

    It was a sweet farewell from my first self, and a grateful nod from a new me.

    The intensive recovery process prohibited work of any kind. In a novel medical approach the surgeon inflated a balloon within my sinus cavity, reconstructing my face and ensuring my vision could return to normal. But the delicate procedure deemed most normal daily functions dangerous, if not impossible. Worse, the hardcore regimen of painkillers and antibiotics left me covered in hives, photosensitive, exhausted, and constantly nauseous. But internally I was giddy, on fire, new.

    In a blur of exhilaration and terror, I was forced to stand still. To examine my swollen face and black eyes every morning and decide how to spend each day. I was an infant again. I was Dobby holding a sock—shocked, ecstatic, but unsure where to start.

    So I found a sunny spot and read a book.

    And every day, while the world worked and worried and wondered about identity and success and all the other mental prisons I was used to, I drove to cafes with comfy couches and read. And I wrote. And I contacted venues and bands to set up shows and I listened to all my old favorite albums.

    I found a cute little house outside of Woodstock for my boyfriend and me to feel like ourselves. We hung up all my posters from bands I grew up on and had friends over whenever we could, just to sit still, and talk, and feel.

    My internship was filled by another MSW student, and my grad school granted me a leave of absence. My foster care caseload was divided among my coworkers. By force, I was freed.

    That year I began therapy with a psychologist who not only helped me safely explore my past traumas, but also guided me into my second life with compassion and empowerment. I read and read and read, and the words poured back out of me.

    In the spring I decided to drop out of grad school for good, feeling confident in my own abilities as a social worker and student. In the process I was able to shed the borrowed beliefs that had led me to max out student loans and wear down my true self in pursuit of institutionalized validation. My life itself was suddenly enough.

    When I was able to return to work, I kept my full-time job in foster care and quit the rest. My coworkers whispered about “brain injury” and wondered if I was permanently messed up. But I gave myself permission to sit still and to call my own shots. I negotiated a flexible schedule and worked on publishing poems and building a creative business that made me feel alive, but more importantly, like myself.

    I don’t recommend jumping off a forty-foot cliff in the height of your professional climb. But I beg you—yes you, exhausted social worker, stressed out salesperson, dejected teacher, grown up punk, secret poet—to give yourself permission to pause.

    Question who you’re living for, who you work for every day. Question your values; are they really yours? Deconstruct your identity. Have you been carrying the same stories about yourself for decades (“I’m the hard worker, the overachiever, the struggling professional”)?

    Are you making a difference in the way that only you can? What will it take for you to push pause? Reset?

    Who would emerge if you killed your current self?

    Liberation looks different to everyone, and it’s always evolving.

    I still have a day job. My rent checks still occasionally bounce. My parents will forever be disappointed that I’m not a famous journalist or whatever by now. I still get rejection letters from publishers, and I have bouts of paralyzing depression… But there’s a different kind of dignity and drive that’s born when you take your life back from Default Mode, when you declare your own Red Light Moment and stop, then step back to take inventory.

    When your life belongs to you alone, every struggle has a purpose and every triumph is yours to celebrate. Being able to use my innate gifts to do work that fires me up, automatically multiplies my impact on the world. The same goes for you.

    What’s the thing you excel at without trying? Start there. Pretend the light has just gone green.

    Then take the leap. Listen to the wild voice that whispers to you, and trust the motion it compels.

    Chances are, you’ll land on your feet and someone will be there to guide you back to shore. But if you find yourself pummeling toward “death,” embrace it. Let your old self die along with the dogma and pressures that have worked on your tired soul all these years. If you want it, there’s a whole new world, and a better you, waiting on the other side.

    Then, curate your new life—ditch the jobs that suck your soul out through bloodshot eyeballs and forced smile. Purge the toxic relationships even if it means drawing a thick and terrifying line in the sand before close family and friends. It’s scary and most people will warn against this type of “recklessness.”

    Just don’t neglect to fill the void. Fill it with art and music or podcasts on self-improvement or long late-night talks with people you admire.

    If you can’t find the scene you’re looking for, make it. If you’re aching for more, build it. If you find yourself ready and waiting for the moment, it’s already here. Jump.

    *Disclaimer: Neither Tiny Buddha nor the author is advocating physically harming yourself to facilitate your personal evolution. The message is about embracing your truth and choosing to be reborn, not risking your life.

  • How Reframing Your Self-Critical Thoughts Can Help Ease Anxiety

    How Reframing Your Self-Critical Thoughts Can Help Ease Anxiety

    “Don’t let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present.” ~Unknown

    I know what it feels like to be scared.

    I know what it feels like to question your sanity, your worth, your place in this world.

    Sometimes, all I can do is repeat the words it’s okay over and over and over again in my head, until I kind of, somewhat, maybe start to believe it’s true.

    Anxiety sucks. Depression does too. They’re not my favorites of the emotions we humans get to experience. But, truthfully, they have a purpose.

    I’ve been having panic attacks for a little over six months now. They’re still new to me, and every one is so different.

    The physical symptoms change, I’m still learning what my “triggers” are, and the ups and downs between my moods vary in time and extremity. But there’s one thing that has been consistent since the beginning, which is that every time I start to feel anxiety or depression creep in, I instantly hate myself.

    I sense the pit of worry in my stomach, and I hate myself. I wake up feeling sad, and I hate myself. I have to transfer money from my savings account, and I hate myself. I mess up at work, and I hate myself. I feel the uncertainty of my future, and I hate myself.

    As soon as I begin to enter that state, it’s the start of the freaking pity party of the century. Pretty soon all of my thoughts sound something along the lines of…

    I’m so messed up.

    No one else feels this way.

    I’m broken beyond repair.

    I shouldn’t feel this way.

    Why can’t I just be happy?

    I’m not good enough to be happy.

    There’s no way I’m going to get through this.

    I thought I had come so far.

    There’s just no point.

    I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, or excited, or tired, or bored, and thought anything close to these dark, nasty thoughts. So why do I instantly start abusing myself with such hateful thinking when these specific emotions of anxiety and depression appear?

    But wait! There’s good news here. This isn’t just a pity party, after all.

    I realized that there’s a way to pull myself out of the cyclical trap of feel sad or anxious, then hating myself for feeling sad or anxious, and then hating myself for hating myself for feeling sad or anxious.

    It’s a vicious cycle, but there is a simple solution: compassion, self-love, and reframing.

    For example, today I had a series of mini breakdowns, which included locking myself in my car so I could cry in (semi) privacy, throwing up in the bathroom at work because my stomach was so full of acidic worry it made me sick, leaving work early because of how I felt, and sobbing in my shower for about twenty minutes while wasting precious hot water. (#BestDayEver)

    So what did I do to turn it around?

    I treated myself with compassion and self-love, and reframed my negative thoughts.

    I showered, put on comfy clothes, made a cup of tea, and lit my favorite candle. I turned on Girls in the background because Hannah always makes me feel better. I read a few pages from one of my favorite books. I did some deep breathing. I told myself “I’m going to be okay” at least one hundred thousand times (slight exaggeration, maybe).

    Then, I started to pay attention to my thoughts as an outside observer. I was able to look at some of the terrible things I say to myself like “I’m so messed up” and “I shouldn’t feel this way,” and was able to crack them open for analysis.

    I was able to look at it from an objective point of view and question: Are these thoughts really true? And if not, can I replace these thoughts with ones that are actually true?

    Some examples…

    I’m so messed up became I’m going through a tough time right now, like everyone else in the world has, but it doesn’t reflect my worthiness or importance as an individual.

    I shouldn’t feel this way became It’s okay to feel down or nervous sometimes, because it’s temporary and it doesn’t define who I am.

    I’m broken beyond repair became I’m just figuring the craziness of this life out, as we all are, and I’ll feel better soon.

    There’s just no point became I have an infinite number of resources and people in my life who love and support me, and I’m worthy of that love and support.

    The stories that we tell ourselves are just that: stories. What we say to ourselves in our heads can hugely impact the way we perceive our lives and our self-worth.

    As the Buddha said, “We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”

    By becoming more mindful of the stories running through your mind, you’re able to take an objective view on how those stories makes you feel, and then decide if they’re worth keeping around or not. If they’re not, choose to let them go.

    Reframing, self-love, and compassion are the three tools I use to help guide me through anxiety and depression. It’s all a learning process, but I can confidently say that this has helped me so much more than self-medicating or trying to ignore the problem.

    By observing our thoughts and the way we speak to ourselves in times of struggle, we can get a picture of how much we actually love ourselves, and then ramp up the love and positivity until we can’t help but feel better

    If you’re going through anxiety, depression, or any other tough time, I encourage you to:

    • Slow down; hit pause
    • Remember that you’re worthy of love and happiness
    • Take a few deep breaths, and tune into that inner dialogue you have going on
    • See if there are any negative thoughts or stories running through your mind that you can challenge
    • Replace them with positive, love-based truths

    Try to remember that we’re all just living, breathing, crazy little human beings, floating around on this planet through a limitless universe for a microscopic moment of time. None of us really know what the heck is going on here.

    We’re all just trying to get by, and have a little fun while doing it. Remember that you’re worthy of love from others, but most importantly, from yourself. And try to ease up on yourself. It’s okay to feel bad. It’s also okay to feel good. They’re two sides of the same coin, and that’s what this life is all about… our depth of human experiences and our connection to something more.

    I’m thankful for anxiety and depression because those emotions present me with an opportunity. It’s a chance for me to fall victim to my fear-based, negative stories, or for me to choose to see things from a place of love instead. The next time you feel those emotions creeping in, I challenge you to ask yourself, what do you choose?

  • The 4 Happiness Archetypes and How to Get Out of the Rat Race

    The 4 Happiness Archetypes and How to Get Out of the Rat Race

    “When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” ~Wayne Dyer

    One day, I was complaining about not having enough days off to escape work and treat myself to a vacation. I was feeling stressed and tired. I can recall my stepfather looking into my eyes with a deep sense of peace and compassion.

    “I hear you,” he said. “I know you work hard. Sometimes, I imagine myself jumping out of bed and going for a walk, whenever I want to.”

    His words came like thunder. It was a wake-up call to remind me how blessed I was and how much I was taking it for granted, as if nothing was ever enough. And there he was, my stepfather, trapped in a wheelchair by a severe form of multiple sclerosis, dreaming of a nice walk in nature. That day, he was my teacher.

    For too many years, I spent a lot of my precious time complaining. I thought I never had enough time, money, or love.

    Many of us get stuck in the habit of projecting our happiness into an imaginary future instead of living in the only reality that is, the present moment. We often think thoughts like:

    The day I get married, I will be happy.

    The day I can afford a bigger house, I will be happy.

    The day I make x amount of money, I will be happy.

    Looking back on my life, I came to realize that I didn’t know how to be happy. I continuously kept myself busy, always running somewhere so I could achieve more or better. Turning my happiness into a project and waiting for “the big things” to happen so I could finally feel joyful and satisfied.

    I didn’t know it at the time, but I was a rat racer. Here’s what I mean by that:

    In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar (a Harvard professor, leading researcher, and author) defines four different happiness archetypes:

    Nihilism

    Nihilists have lost their joy in life, both present and future. They find no pleasure in their work or private life and expect no future benefits or rewards. They’ve given up and resigned to their fate.

    Hedonism

    Hedonists live for the moment and give little or no thought to future consequences and plans. Because they feel unchallenged by future goals or a purpose, they are often unfulfilled.

    Rat Racing

    The rat race archetype often sacrifices current pleasures and benefits in anticipation of some future rewards. This is likely the most familiar archetype to many of us (continuously setting new goals, never pleased, always busy).

    It doesn’t mean that setting clear goals for the future is a bad practice. We all need a purpose and a clear vision. If we don’t even know what we want, how could we ever get that? The problem occurs when we attach our happiness to future outcomes without being able to see and appreciate what’s already good in our lives.

    Rat racing is all about hunting for happiness, chasing an illusion, and never feeling content. The more we achieve, the more we want: another house, another car, another job, or more money.

    Happiness 

    True happiness comes from keeping a healthy balance between the present and the future. It’s when we are capable of enjoying both the journey and the destination, focusing on today’s gifts, as well as our dreams, goals, and desires.

    “Happiness is not about making it to the peak of the mountain nor is it about climbing aimlessly around the mountain; happiness is the experience of climbing toward the peak.” ~Tal Ben-Shahar

    The day I shifted my perception from stressed to blessed, everything changed. Here’s what I have learned and what worked well for me:

    1. Happiness is a verb. 

    Research has shown that happiness is 50% connected to our genes, only 10% attributed to life circumstances, and 40 perfect correlated with our thoughts and behaviors. That’s why happiness is not a noun; it’s a verb. For those of us who are mentally healthy, it’s an attitude, a continuous inside job.

    Many people are afraid to be happy, since they could lose it one day, and they let their worries ruin their joy.

    I cultivate optimism and trust the flow of life. I shift my focus from what could go wrong to what could go right. Whatever I fear, it hasn’t happened yet. I embrace my future with the genuine curiosity of a child, and I choose to believe that something wonderful is waiting around the corner—that we live in a supportive Universe where everything unfolds perfectly, and things happen for my highest good.

    If I see life with negativity, fearing that bad things could happen to me, my actions will likely attract the very things I’m trying to avoid. I’ve stopped letting my mind play with me and stress me with unnecessary fears, worries, and concerns about things that haven’t happen yet.

    I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, like this one:

    “Life loves me. All is well in my world, and I am safe.” ~Louise Hay

    2. I sweeten my life, every day.

    I have seen that many beautiful moments and small pleasures come at a low cost or even for free.

    If I don’t have time for my hobbies, I make it. I read a good book or watch a fun movie that brings me the joy and laughter.

    I gather with non-judgmental people who love me just the way I am. The mere act of having a good conversation over a cup of coffee charges me with a high dose of positive energy.

    I go for nice walks in the park and connect with nature.

    I play with my dog.

    I sometimes light a candle or some nice smelling incense. (Jasmine is my favorite.) It stimulates my creativity and makes me feel good.

    I’ve stopped waiting for the VIP moments of the year (like my birthday) to embellish my house with fresh flowers.

    I have created the habit of drinking water from a wine glass with a slice of lemon in it.

    I enjoy my morning coffee from a beautiful cup with a red heart on it, to remind myself that love is all around.

    I use the beautiful bed sheets and the nice towels instead of saving them for the guests, just because I’m worth it.

    “Yesterday is history; tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift; that’s why we call it present.” ~Unknown

    3. I grow dreams, not regrets.

    The need for stability and security (including on a financial level) is a basic human need. No wonder we start rat racing if we don’t have enough money! But what is “enough”? Isn’t that a subjective qualifier, based on our individual needs and expectations?

    I have met many wealthy people who were unhappy because their ego always wanted to get more or better. It’s like when we think, “Okay, I’ve got this house now, but when I can move my family into a bigger one, I will finally be happy.”

    Another reason we project happiness into the future pertains to limiting (often culturally inherited) beliefs around money that keep us stuck in a survival mode.

    Take my example: Years ago, I used to work in China. I lived in a beautiful compound in downtown Shanghai, all paid for by my company, and I was single, with no loans, debt, or financial commitments. It all looked wonderful, but deep inside, I was so unhappy!

    I knew I always wanted to travel the world and meet people from different cultures. I had enough money to afford that, and still, I was so afraid of spending! Even today I am thankful to the good friend who insisted on me following her on a trip, because that’s how I finally managed to break that wall.

    You see, I was raised in an Eastern-European middle-class family. As a child, I often saw my parents saving money for the “black days” of their pension years (the time when one would not earn a salary and could potentially “start starving.”) As a result, I followed the same behavior once I started to make my own money.

    So here’s what I’ve learned: I won’t spend my precious younger years saving everything for my retirement. Saving money is a form of self-care, and something I currently do. However, I know I won’t die with my savings account, and I won’t look back on my life with regrets once I’m older. I invest in myself and in my learning, and I spend part of my money on experiences, making sure I gather more precious memories than material things.

    “You will never regret what you do in life. You will only regret what you don’t do.” ~Wayne Dyer

    4. I do what I love and love what I do. 

    We spend the majority of our lives at work. So if we’re not happy with our jobs, we’re not happy with most of life—another reason some of us start rat racing and hoping for something different.

    Too many people live their precious lives in survival mode, like robots. Frustrated or drained on Monday mornings and looking forward to the weekends so that they can feel alive. When we’re happy with our work, there’s nothing wrong with Monday mornings.

    If you find yourself stuck in a job you don’t like, know that you always have a choice to step outside your comfort zone and work toward something new. It may not be easy to change careers, especially if you have limited education and people depending on you. But it’s possible to do something you believe in, something that brings you genuine joy and fulfillment.

    The key is to work toward that something new while also cultivating joy in your daily life so you don’t fall into the trap of waiting for the future to be happy; and also, to remind yourself that no matter what happens, even if your circumstances are never ideal, you can still be happy.

    “The most important two days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~Mark Twain

    5. I stay away from perfection.

    To me, being a rat racer felt exhausting. I didn’t know how to have fun and relax. I was too busy trying to be perfect and do everything perfectly. It was tiring, and it made me feel like I was never good enough or worthy of the best things life had to offer.

    Even when I transitioned into the job of my dreams, I was still unhappy. I kept thinking:

    “The day I get to make that much money a month, I will be happy.”

    “The day I know everything about this job, I will be happy.”

    You see, even people who love what they do can be rat racers, if they are struggling with the need for perfection.

    Today, I aim for progress instead of perfection, and I enjoy each step of my professional journey, celebrating every new lesson and every kind of achievement, no matter how big or small.

    “If you look for perfection, you’ll never feel content.” ~Lev Tolstoi

    6. I mind my own journey. 

    Another thing that keeps us trapped in rat racing is the behavior of comparing ourselves to others—the money we’re making, the status at work, the house we live in, and so on.

    I now know everyone is on their own journey, and each time I dedicate moments of my life comparing, I find myself in someone else’s territory, not mine. It’s like trying to live in their story and life experience instead of my own.

    I’ve come to understand that when I shift my focus and attention from other people to myself, I suddenly have more time and energy to create good things in my own life. So many people complain about not having enough time for themselves. If you want more time for yourself, mind your own business and see what happens.

    “Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

    7. I am grateful.

    In the past, I rarely said thank you or counted my blessings. Today, I practice gratitude as a morning ritual. I focus on what I have, rather than on what’s missing.

    I make sure I start every day being thankful for my health; for having a loving family, a wonderful life partner, and a great job I love; for the creativity flow that helps me write such posts and the opportunity to share my insights and experiences with the world; and for the air I breathe and the sun that caresses my face.

    “If the only prayer you ever say is Thank you, that will be enough.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I see every day as a fresh start, a new opportunity for me to taste more of this juicy experience called living. Life is a precious gift and I intend to spend as much of it happy as possible.

    And now, I would like to hear from you. What is your happiness archetype? What makes you truly happy?

  • Forgiveness Isn’t Weakness – Don’t Let Anger Hold You Back and Weigh You Down

    Forgiveness Isn’t Weakness – Don’t Let Anger Hold You Back and Weigh You Down

    “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” ~Gandhi

    For many years forgiveness was not in my mind, let alone my vocabulary. I was taught to believe that forgiveness was a sign of weakness, and I certainly did not forgive anyone who hurt me.

    In the past, I have engaged in acts of revenge, which I thought was the right thing to do at those times. I was wrong.

    One event that springs to my mind was when I was the target of a cruel prank. A group of guys had taunted a young man I knew, telling him that he was “whipped” by his girlfriend, who lived with him. To prove this wasn’t true and that he could “get anyone he wanted,” he pretended to like me and proceeded to call, text, and show an interest in me.

    I didn’t know that he had a girlfriend, and I liked him, so I went along with this, unaware of the game. I soon found out what was going on. So, what did I do? I released all hell and vengeance.

    I was hurt and embarrassed on so many levels to be the butt of a cruel joke. I felt like everyone was laughing at me behind my back. In retaliation, I contacted his girlfriend, went to their house, and showed her all the messages. We even got him to message me back while I was with her. We then waited for him to come home as we both sat there.

    She had thrown all his stuff outside and torn his clothes. She cut his guitar strings in front of him and kicked him out. Did I feel satisfied? I thought I did, but a few days later I felt so guilty. This guy was now homeless, the girl heartbroken, and I looked like a home wrecker. I know I did the right thing in being honest; I just went about it the wrong way.

    I have since learned the power of forgiving—both others and myself.

    The most important situation where I have forgiven myself was something that happened when I was only thirteen years old. This situation haunted me for many years.

    I told my dad I wanted him to die. I know that this happens between children and their parents; however, the difference here is that my dad killed himself that night.

    A lot led me to telling my dad to die, that I hated him, and that he would never see my brother or me again. Nonetheless, I said something I regret and I know that he listened to that message.

    How can you move forward from such an act? An act that was done in defending my mum and wanting to protect my loved ones.

    I have had to learn to forgive myself.

    My dad had already made up his mind up before I said what I said. He was mentally unwell and no longer wanted to live. Maybe my words tipped him over the edge. But for me to live and not die with my dad, I had to forgive myself.

    Forgiveness is one the best things you can learn to do for yourself. It can free you, eradicate anger over time, and leave you open to receiving wonderful things in your life.

    In my life, I have been hurt, I have hurt others, and I have lost people along the way. I have done stupid things and had awful things done to me. However, I eventually realized that focusing on the past and holding onto anger was not serving me. The answer is and was forgiveness.

    The only thing holding you back from forgiveness is fear. Fear of letting someone “off the hook,” fear of being hurt again in the future, fear that you may have to change, fear that you may be perceived by your peers as weak, and fear that you may become soft. These fears may seem rational, but they stop you from leading a loving, open life.

    Forgiveness is an art form that takes practice. It’s not something you ever fully master, as life moves on and each passing moment brings new experiences and new ways we can be upset or hurt. Each situation is a chance to grow and become more awake to a better life.

    I used to be so angry at the world, my family, and mostly, myself. I regret some of the things I’ve done in the past, but I know the best apology you can ever give is changed behavior, and that is exactly what I have done. I have changed how I treat others and how I respond when they hurt me.

    With commitment to change and increased meditation, I am working on forgiveness constantly. Each time a memory comes up or I see something that upsets me from my past, I send it love. The way to a better life is through love. Through love, we can forgive.

    I release my anger toward others, as it doesn’t assist me. Each time I feel a pang of jealousy, anger, or annoyance, I forgive myself and let it go. Forgiveness is an act of self-love.

    When working on forgiveness and opening your heart, painful feelings and memories may come up. But the rewards of choosing to stay open and forgive far outweigh the negatives.

    When we work on becoming open and eradicating all that blocks us, this opens us to love and possibility. When we hold in anger, we carry that situation or person with us and keep hurting ourselves. Why would you want to keep hurting yourself?

    You’ll never move forward unless you let go.

    When we choose not to forgive and hold in feelings of anger, jealously, and resentment, we remain in a negative state of being and living, and in turn attract more of the same situations into our lives.

    But there is another way.

    I will often laugh now when I trip up instead of getting angry. I don’t get mad at myself when I make a mistake, and I don’t get mad at other people as much anymore.

    I’m learning to forgive the man who cuts me off when driving or beeps his horn at me. I don’t let the fact that someone lies to me or tries to cut me in a queue upset my inner balance.

    It’s hard to do and I struggle sometimes, but I keep practicing, because keeping it in and holding onto it simply doesn’t serve me.

    When I slip up, I forgive myself and realize where I can do better next time. I don’t want negative emotions and memories inside me, so each time they come up I work on releasing and surrendering.

    If we want to experience happiness, relief, and true well-being, we must practice forgiving.

    When you feel anger or someone upsets you, be assertive but approach the situation from a higher place of love.

    When I am reminded of a past hurt or see something that upsets me, I will face it, imagine it surrounded in white light, and breathe in and out, with the out breath releasing the negative feeling.

    That does’t mean I forgive instantly; for some things, it comes in time. I give myself that time and work on it because I know forgiveness is an antidote for poisons that can corrupt the body, cause illness and disease, damage the soul, and pain the mind.

    When you are ready you will learn the freedom in forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself if you aren’t the weight you think you should be, forgiveness to the ex for hurting you, forgiveness for yourself for hurting them, forgiveness for the times you messed up, because you simply cannot take these things back.

    Holding onto anger holds you back and weighs you down. Learn to forgive and feel as light as air. You’ll then be open to receiving all the goodness that’s available to you in life.

  • Your Anger is a Guide: Embrace It and Set Yourself Free

    Your Anger is a Guide: Embrace It and Set Yourself Free

    “Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    In the sixth year of marriage, my husband shocked me by telling me that he had decided on an open marriage. This would give him permission to do what he was already doing, having an affair.

    In one of my rare times of anger I argued and struggled with him. I can still see myself hitting him in the chest as he tried to put his arms around me to reassure me of his love.

    As he defended his position, he reminded me that I wasn’t being rational. I stopped protesting because that charge impacted me immediately. Logic and rationality were my guides.

    This surge of anger was new in my life. I had learned to bury my feelings, especially anger, growing up in my Japanese-American family where we hid most emotions.

    Adding to pushing down my feelings, I relied on intellect, my head, and dismissed my heart.

    When he attacked a vulnerable spot—to be rational—I became silent. It was the first of three betrayals I lived quietly through over the years.

    I swallowed two other screams of “No!” when, over the years, I learned about two other women, who intruded not only into my life, but also into my home.

    Why would any woman stand for this?

    Besides suppressing my emotions, I also learned from a young age to make the needs of the group, the others, more important than my own.

    Throughout my life, I let other people’s needs define my life.

    I disregarded my anger and I disregarded my needs.

    Why Burying Anger is a Recipe for Unhappiness

    When you bury anger, more than your anger is involved—you dampen all emotions, including joy.

    In my case, I was the model of a well-adjusted successful professional and, after I divorced my husband, a single mom.

    Inside a deep discontent lived undetected in my heart. It wasn’t until I slowed down in early retirement that I became aware of it.

    When you don’t have anger, you may think that there’s nothing wrong with your life.

    Why We Often Choose to Bury Our Anger

    You learn in childhood that adults don’t like you being angry. When you throw a temper tantrum, large or small, you get punished for it.

    This teaches you that being angry is bad and you should keep it to yourself.

    As an adult, when anger gets the best of you and you show it, people around you don’t respond well to it either.

    Some get frightened by anger. Others get defensive or angry in return. Exchanges full of anger often lead to regret and shame. They can even end a close friendship–a price you don’t want to pay.

    Embracing Your Anger Does Not Mean Throwing Tantrums

    When you express your anger, you think that you’re right and that the other person or situation needs to change. Or you say regretful, stupid things fueled by anger.

    In any case, you believe that someone or something outside you is the cause of your anger. This stance makes it easy to miss the early signal to go inside and investigate. 

    Embracing anger is turning inward to know your heart. It means spending time with your anger to learn what is under it—what’s really going on.

    Treat Every Inner Disturbance as a Clue

    Nothing changed in my life until I started to pay attention to all disturbances in peace I experienced, the little irritations, annoyances that were signs of anger. I began to appreciate whatever anger bubbled up because I saw it as a guide.

    Here’s an instance of a little annoyance I would have disregarded earlier in my life. I was talking with my partner on a walk through downtown about some insights I had about an important relationship. He interrupted me to point out how a new hotel construction was being completed, with details that could be barely seen at night.

    I felt disturbed, but instead of just burying that feeling like I normally would, I asked myself why I felt that way. I realized the annoyance pointed to anger about attention taken away from me. Needing attention from people who matter is a need I have. If I don’t get the attention, I feel like I don’t matter.

    I also recognized that my typical strategy would be to remain silent and let my partner go on. But instead of being silent, I stepped out of the pattern to speak up and stand with a new belief that I am important and deserving of attention.

    In this instance, once noticing the disturbance and realizing what it meant, I said, “What I’m saying is more important to me than what you’re pointing out that I can see another time.”

    My message was accepted with a small apology.

    Attuned to the energy of anger, I found it hidden in jealousy, envy, blame, frustration, disappointment, regret, withdrawal, stubbornness, and shame.

    I even found it in my lack of kindness in talking to my partner, my banging cupboard doors, my prolonged silence, and my criticism and judgment of others.

    When you follow each sign of anger you will find what is buried in your heart. You will discover what you need to resolve lifelong patterns that limited your growth.

    Through Your Anger You Discover Your Needs, Beliefs, and Strategies

    I began to know and honor the needs underlying my anger, such as my needs for acknowledgement and attention as I describe above.

    I also realized I had many limiting beliefs that stemmed back to my childhood, when my needs weren’t met. This is where my feeling of not mattering came from, but now I could recognize it and deal with it.

    Related to these beliefs I also saw the variety of limiting strategies I adopted trying to get these needs met. Some of these were being an over-achiever, a perfectionist, and overly self-reliant.

    To illustrate, I recently felt angry when I didn’t make the cut in auditioning for a voice ensemble. When I stayed with my anger, I found the pain of a wounded young-child who believed she wasn’t worthy, and saw clearly her strategies of people-pleasing and over-achieving that failed to get her what she wanted.

    Not only does your anger guide you to your needs but it helps you recognize the limiting beliefs and strategies that run your life. These were created and adopted early in childhood by a very young child and their limitations deserve examination.

    Deeply Exploring Your Anger Involves a Commitment

    Taking full advantage of honoring your anger involves taking the time to begin a process of discovery.

    This means remembering to remain the adult compassionate witness to what is there, and not identifying with or be taken over by the anger, and finally remaining with the anger long enough until you drop into what is beneath it.

    You may discover child-like vulnerability, fears, helplessness, and pain.

    When you integrate with lost parts of you, you deconstruct the patterns that run your life and free your original innocent heart to shine through.

    You are Richly Rewarded for Embracing Anger

    When you are one with your heart, you know not only your needs for safety, love, and community but your deep longings for meaning and purpose.

    You consciously make choices true to your heart.

    Then your heart opens—to love more and deeply; to reveal its wisdom; to see the world as an innocent child; to be present and accepting for all that shows up; and much more.

    Embracing anger may be counter-intuitive, but in doing so you become aware of old, unconscious reactive patterns. In becoming aware of these patterns you free yourself to choose from a place of power.

    Fully in your power you allow yourself to be fully present to experience life from the only moment you ever have—this present moment.

  • 5 Life-Changing Realizations About Fear and Anxiety

    5 Life-Changing Realizations About Fear and Anxiety

    “Fear is inevitable, I have to accept that, but I cannot allow it to paralyze me.” – Isabel Allende

    I was lying on the sofa in my tiny flat in Vienna.

    My feet were elevated on a cushion and the room was spinning in a brisk waltz around me. My stomach was cramping and cold sweat was trickling down my spine. I gasped for air whenever choking fear forced my racing heart to skip a couple of beats.

    The situation was all too familiar.

    Back then I suffered from generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety. I was also plagued by severe toilet anxiety, which is a fear of needing the toilet when none is available. As a consequence, I had panic attacks several times a week.

    So, I knew exactly how to stop the agony. I fumbled for the phone and dialled my friend Eva’s number.

    “I am sorry,” I said. “I must have caught some kind of bug; I’m quite unwell. I will have to cancel for this evening…I know! It is a shame. I was so looking forward to seeing you again and meeting your friends…Yes, next week would be lovely! I’ll be in touch!”

    As I hung up, a welcome wave of relief washed through my body as the panic slowly subsided.

    I would have loved to see the conclusion of the Lord of the Rings trilogy on the big screen.

    But what if no aisle seat would have been available? What if I would have had to sit in the middle of a row and needed the bathroom? What would the other people have thought if I squeezed past them, profoundly apologizing, while ruining their movie experience?

    Furthermore, I had never visited that particular cinema before. I would have to take the underground at night. What if I was mugged? And I had never met the two friends Eva planned to bring along. What if they thought I was a bore or a jerk for needing the loo every ten minutes?

    I was convinced I had made the right decision. I would just stay on my sofa, watch comforting repeats of Friends and be safe.

    No fear, no anxiety, no panic. All was well again.

    Until it hit me.

    I was a hostage of my fear! It dictated what I could and couldn’t do. It confined me to my comfort zone and denied me dreams and aspirations.

    I was never free to pursue fun adventures or meet new people. I was handcuffed to my sofa, my familiar daily routine and the nearest toilet facility.

    And when I attempted to escape, I was hit with a merciless panic attack that left me stunned and shivering back where I was safe. On my sofa, in my little flat. Right where I sat in the dark on a December evening in 2003 and wept.

    For being a victim, for being a prisoner, for being weak and scared. For not having a life.

    And it was right there on that little sofa that I decided I had enough. I would take control over my life, I would claim the right to choose. I would finally live.

    It was a long journey. A lot has changed since then.

    And I want to share what I have learned in the past thirteen years.

    Because for me, overcoming or defeating my fear was impossible. It always fought back with a vengeance. I had to find a different solution.

    Realization #1: Fear is not the enemy.

    After that life-changing December evening, I started to research. I read countless books, took courses, and attended seminars. I needed to know what caused the constant fear and how to stop it.

    I had always perceived fear as a menacing, painful, and crippling hostile force. A life-sucking alien parasite. An uncontrollable beast.

    But I soon discovered that fear can be both healthy and pathological.

    Healthy fear is a vital physiological reaction that has guaranteed survival of animal species for aeons.

    When confronted with a dangerous situation, adrenaline and other hormones accelerate breathing and heart rates. Blood pressure increases, muscles tense up, and blood is redirected to the arms, legs, and brain. The body prepares for fight or flight, to either combat the threat or flee from it.

    A healthy fear response lasts as long as the dangerous situation that provoked it persists. It then subsides until the next trigger restarts it.

    However, when fear is triggered by generally harmless events like a trip to the theater, meeting new people, or a car journey, it becomes pathological. The fear designed to save your life is now destroying it.

    But why was I terrified of so many innocent situations that other people wouldn’t waste a thought on? What had gone wrong?

    Realization #2: My pathological fear was linked to low self-worth.

    I soon realized that my anxiety and panic attacks were a direct result of my lack of self-worth.

    You see, when you suffer from low self-worth, the world becomes a menacing place.

    Subconsciously, you believe that you don’t deserve happiness, so you constantly expect a catastrophe. You are terrified of the future because devastating tragedies happened to you in the past and you were too powerless to prevent them.

    You feel under constant pressure to outperform, impress, and achieve perfection because you don’t feel worthy of other people’s love and respect. Yet, you mistrust your abilities and always feel that you are lagging behind or winging it. And you are horrified people might uncover your darkest secret, that you are a fraud.

    Hence, you incessantly agonize about making mistakes and worry that other people might disapprove of you and your actions. You don’t believe in yourself and your ability to cope with life. So, you doubt your decisions and fear the potential consequences. And you are paralyzed by the thought of any change.

    You feel overwhelmed, stressed, cornered. You perceive your whole life as a threat. Fear and anxiety have become permanent features.

    Because you believe that you aren’t good enough in other people’s eyes. Because you don’t know that you actually are worth personified. Inherently, infinitely, and unconditionally so.

    You are worth, even if you aren’t a fun socialite who makes friends easily. You are worth, even if life overwhelms you sometimes. And you are still worth even if you pee yourself in public, because as embarrassing as it may seem, it doesn’t change anything about your true worth!

    I must have repeated the affirmation “I am worth” several hundred times a day for months. I now knew that, if I wanted to beat my fear of life, I first had to believe in myself. Only then would I feel confident enough to deal with everything that came my way.

    Realization #3: I feared fear itself.

    Once I started healing my low self-worth and gaining trust in myself and my abilities, it became clear that I wasn’t actually terrified of the movies, strangers, or my overactive bladder alone. I was also horrified of fear itself and all its unpleasant consequences.

    Have you ever had a panic attack? It sucks!

    And it is terrifying in its own right. The heart palpitations, the shortness of breath, the tight chest. You feel like your death is imminent and you are powerless to prevent it.

    So, you avoid the panic triggers. The problem is that when your main trigger is life itself, you cease to live.

    You minimize social interactions, you stop making bold plans for the future, you stick to your daily routine that keeps you safe. Your thoughts revolve around your fears and how to keep them subdued. You cohabitate with a fearsome beast, tiptoeing around it so it doesn’t awaken and swallow you whole.

    This was my life, constantly and unrelentingly. Until one day I decided to slay the beast.

    Realization #4: Fighting the fear made it worse.

    Every time I felt fear arising, I cursed it, screamed at it, and commanded it to leave now and never come back. But my beast didn’t take these insults lightly. It defended itself and the panic attacks escalated in frequency and intensity.

    I felt like a pathetic failure. I wrecked my mind for new ways to overcome the fear. I tried what felt like hundreds of techniques and tactics to battle the fear. But they never worked and the fear increased at an alarming rate.

    I know now that the fear multiplied because I focused on it. My attention was zoomed into my fear and how to defeat it, and so, subconsciously, I produced more and more of it.

    The beast grew and I was about to surrender myself to be its prisoner for the rest of my life.

    Until my mum rescued me.

    Realization #5: Making friends with fear disarms it.

    “Why don’t you name it?” she said.

    I was stunned.

    “You have tried to fight it,” she continued. “Maybe it’s time to befriend it. Talk to it. Tell it that everything will be okay. Let it know you are there for it. And listen to its concerns.”

    I thought the idea was ridiculous. But I was willing to try anything. I was desperate.

    So, I named my pathological fear Klaus. It was the first name that popped into my head.

    For a while I just observed what he had to say. He was a deeply troubled individual. So insecure, so worried, utterly paranoid.

    Then, one day, I started to reason with him.

    If he said, “I don’t think we should try a new restaurant. We might hate the food. And it is change. Change is bad for us,” I replied. “Change is good, it makes life fun. And if we don’t like the food, we just order something else next time.”

    Of course I felt bonkers for talking to my fear like it was a small child. After all, I was talking to myself (not out loud, mind you)!

    But it worked! Klaus understood. He was open to the suggestion that life as a whole wasn’t dangerous and began to embrace the new paradigm.

    All he had ever wanted was to help me and keep me safe. He was a true friend. Even if he had been slightly misguided in his efforts to help, I found he was open to change.

    Almost ten years later, while I studied Eckhart Tolle’s teachings, I understood that by naming my fear I had stopped identifying with it. I felt the emotion, but I no longer was the fear. The fear didn’t define me and I could finally start to free myself from it.

    A Life Without (Pathological) Fear

    Klaus and I spent several years together. He would warn me, raise doubts, and advise caution whenever I stepped out of my comfort zone.

    But I was determined. I kept reminding myself that I was worth, that I was able to cope, that I was strong.

    I started to do one scary thing a day. Small things at first. A different route to work, going for a walk without immediate toilet access, or asking a complete stranger for the time.

    Klaus wasn’t happy. But I continued to explain that we were okay. That change was a positive part of life, that the world was a safe place and that we deserved to be happy.

    After a while, his objections became less frequent and he remained quiet for longer periods of time.

    And finally, in June 2008, as I boarded a plane to Barcelona to present at an international conference in front of hundreds of strangers, I realized he was gone. Without notice, he had left and I wasn’t scared of life’s experiences any longer. The pathological fear of life itself had dissolved.

    I still sometimes fondly remember my friend Klaus. But I never heard from him again. I hope he is well.

    As for me, I moved to the UK by myself and met new friends (who didn’t think I was a jerk). I am married and have a lovely little daughter. I travel, work with clients, and lecture students without worrying or overthinking.

    The cold sweats, anxiety, and racing heart of a panic attack are now a distant memory. And I can enjoy a family day out without obsessing over the location of the nearest toilet.

    I finally live, liberated, on my terms. I am free.

    And I sincerely hope that my story will help you claim your own life. Because you deserve happiness too.

    Stop beating yourself up, befriend your fear, and believe in yourself! I know you can do it!

    You are worth!

  • The Key to Peace: Let Go of What “Should” Be and Accept What Is

    The Key to Peace: Let Go of What “Should” Be and Accept What Is

    “Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” ~Wayne Dyer

    Many of my friends are getting married and engaged, and when I compare myself to them I feel that I’ve somehow fallen behind. I scroll through my social media accounts and feel that my life is not as exciting or meaningful as theirs.

    This belief of inferiority moves me out of the present moment and into a turbulent stream of fear that I won’t live up to what I perceive others have lived up to, or what I believe I could live up to. It makes me feel lacking and empty in the present moment, even though the eternal now is overflowing with abundance.

    Recognizing this, I decided to change my belief. I may be single, but that doesn’t mean something is wrong with me or that I’m not good enough to be with anyone.

    It means I’ve been given the opportunity to work on myself and to understand my goals, passions, and purpose, as well as to develop other types of relationships in my life that are not romantic in nature, including the most important one of all: the one I have with myself.

    When it is the right time for me to share with someone, I will share myself with him completely, and with a deep appreciation for the beauty and sacredness of such a relationship.

    As long as I fully accept this and don’t feel insecure about it, there’s really no problem.

    Feeling like I should change brings me down into the low vibration of fear, and that is not conducive to attracting or sustaining the nurturing relationship I want.

    A boyfriend is not a trophy, and I don’t want to have one for this purpose. I also don’t want to be closed off to new romantic interests because I feel inferior for not having as many previous partners as most people my age, which has become one of my biggest barriers to being vulnerable.

    As long as I fully accept who I am, insecurity falls away and I can be authentic with other people, including potential romantic partners.

    Making this kind of shift in perception is not as easy as it sounds, but it’s the most important step toward developing self-understanding and ultimately, achieving self-liberation. And by that I mean placing your higher self in the driver’s seat with your ego-self as a passenger rather than the other way around.

    Your perspective is powerful, and it is the prime cause of excessive anxiety and fear. When my negative, ego-based judgments fuel an unhelpful cycle, I lose sight of the present moment and shift into an obsession over how I think my life should be.

    Often, our ideas about how we think our life should be come from other people. Others may be insecure or unhappy about their own life, so they judge ours to make themselves feel better, or they may genuinely not want us to make the same mistakes they did. Either way, they are seeing things from their own lens, which reflects their experiences, not ours.

    We can also get stuck comparing our personality, skills, and progress to what we think other people have achieved—as I often do when I use social media—and then think we are lacking in comparison. But the people we compare ourselves to are on completely different paths than us, and in reality they provide no accurate benchmark for our own journey.

    The only person to which we should ever compare ourselves is our previous self or what we’d like our future self to be. Doing this in a nonjudgmental way will help lead us toward growth. But if you’re cruel to yourself by being harshly critical, you’ll be more likely to become your own worst enemy.

    Sometimes we need to be critical of ourselves, but it’s important to do it in a loving, compassionate way that seeks real, deep change, not in a way that debilitates us from taking any active steps.

    If I’m harshly critical of myself for not having as much romantic experience as I think I should have by my age, I won’t be open enough to connect with others the way I want to. It isn’t the lack of experience stopping me, it’s my judgment about what that means.

    But my past doesn’t have to mean anything about my worth, and I don’t have to see my present as something to lament.

    What we call “lack” can just as easily be seen as opportunity for growth. If you see the present as a failure and merely the means to an end, it can make you feel like you won’t be happy until you have something more, and you set yourself up for pain.

    That pain is an indication that your pattern of thought is not conducive to becoming your highest self, and it acts as a trigger for you to change and/or heal the aspect of yourself that needs healing.

    When we move toward our greatest self, we clear all the blocks to the natural peace that exists in the present moment, in our hearts.

    While I want to grow and expand my perspective, I also know that I am perfect just the way I am right now. Fully feeling this frees my energy so I can use it to achieve my goals rather than wasting it on worrying that I’m not good enough.

    When I allow myself to fully feel the present moment, no matter what it may encompass, and accept myself just the way I am now, I begin to feel peace coming back to me. I could choose to think about all the things I wish were different, but all that does is make me unhappy, and it certainly doesn’t facilitate the clarity of mind and heart required for changing any of those things.

    Often, all we need is a small shift in perspective to realize that challenges are opportunities and our greatest teachers.

    Be present now and experience the complete spectrum of the human experience as it unfolds. Feel the great fullness of this life. All is as it should be, and you are perfect just the way you are.

    Sit with your pain. Sit with your joy. They both serve you.

    Learn from the past. Plan for the future. But live only in the present.

    Do this and you will remove the barriers to clarity and peace of mind. As the great Alan Watts succinctly and beautifully put it, “The future is of use only to those who live in the present.”

  • The Two Biggest Mistakes Newly Single People Make

    The Two Biggest Mistakes Newly Single People Make

    “Don’t rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other.” ~Russ von Hoelscher

    If you’re single right now, this is your moment. And by single I mean not dating, not sleeping with people, and not engaged in romantic mingling of any kind. I mean truly single.

    When we’re truly single we have a chance to transform like never before. We have the opportunity to face into our pain, transmute it, and turn our heartbreak into our greatest lesson.

    Two of the biggest mistakes newly single people make are these:

    • Jumping back into a relationship without healing, reflecting, and working on themselves
    • Staying single but numbing the pain with distractions like drugs, food, alcohol, or TV

    Yes, transformation can happen in relationship, but being single allows us to get to know who it is we truly are without the fear of outgrowing our partner.

    Most people think they’re ready to start dating far before they actually are. That’s because we do anything we can to avoid facing our pain. Being in relationship feels really good. We want someone to love us, often desperately when we don’t truly love ourselves.

    A month after my last breakup I sat in my cozy studio with eight other women. One of them said that she had gone through a traumatic breakup and a year later she was just getting to the point of being ready to date again. I remember thinking, “What?! That’s sooooo long. I’m going to heal faster than that.”

    I’m approaching the ten-month mark of that breakup, and I’m just getting to the point where I feel like I’m open to dating again. You can’t expedite your healing. Healing will take its slow old time, even if you commit yourself to it. The deeper the wound sometimes the longer the healing process can take.

    Once I got over my judgment of being single and started to embrace it, the length of time stopped mattering so much. What mattered was me healing the parts of myself that had been traumatized. I earnestly wanted to do this part right. I wanted to do it right for myself and I wanted to do it right for my future relationship.

    It’s taken me almost a year to become solid enough in myself again where I feel ready to inch myself open for relationship. This is because I acknowledge that the kind of relationship I am interested in is one that is deeply intimate, soul-connected, and mature.

    I have to be ready to give myself to someone in this way. I have had to turn down dates because I know I’m not ready to give what someone else deserves.

    But during this time I’m doing incredible work in getting to know myself. I’ve been able to see myself more clearly than I ever have before. I see my wounds. I know where I need to love myself more. I know what I need to let go of. I know what I need in a partner. I know that I know when I will be ready. I don’t need to rush it. 

    When you’re truly ready to date you’ll know it. If you’re reaching out to connect with others to avoid pain you’re not ready.

    There were many times in my past where I’d come home at night and feel lonely so I’d begin browsing dating apps and setting up dates. I lacked true love for myself and self-confidence. I was reaching out when I felt unworthy instead of understanding where those wounds came from. I wanted someone else to fill that void for me instead of doing the hard work myself.

    If you’re single now this is your opportunity to get to know yourself. You can shed the beliefs that are no longer serving you. Maybe you feel a new life churning within you, but you’re afraid because you’re stuck in your head trying to figure out how to bring it to life. You can learn to trust yourself, to hear your intuition, to start taking steps to live that blossoming life within you.

    It’s your chance to learn from your past partners. You can discover why you acted the way you did in your past relationships. You can spot the patterns. You can find out why you keep attracting the same fundamental qualities in partners. You can see why it’s not quite working.

    From this place you get to find out what you truly want in a relationship. What is it you value? What are your deal breakers? What do you want your relationship to feel like? What do you want to experience together? 

    All of this information will empower you to choose a partner who will be the right fit. But most importantly, you will now know who you are, and that is the most incredible feeling. Something magical happens when you know yourself.

    You begin to recognize that the love you have been looking for outside of yourself has been within you all along. The desperate need for a partner starts to fall away. You become content being single. You start to love your life. You enjoy your own company. You think you’re the best. Who wouldn’t want to spend time with you?

    This is the place we want to choose a relationship from. The place where we aren’t needy. The place where we are already whole. The place where we aren’t willing to sacrifice the most important things to us.

    If you’re single right now, and you don’t know yourself this well, get off the dating sites. Politely decline when someone asks you out. Commit to loving yourself before you ask someone else to love you. If you do, I’d place a big bet that you’ll end up with a love you could never have dreamed of. That is worth all of the patience in the world.

  • The Healing Power of Self-Care in a World of Chronic Stress and Anxiety

    The Healing Power of Self-Care in a World of Chronic Stress and Anxiety

    “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” ~Lao Tzu

    I’ve always lived with a low hum of anxiety in the background, and lately it’s been harder to keep a lid on it.

    There are a lot of things to be anxious about these days. We live in a complex and stressful world and anxiety is very common, affecting upwards of 20% of the population. Some experience manageable levels; for others, anxiety and chronic stress can be debilitating and self-destructing.

    Truth is, we have good reasons to be stressed out. We work too much; we don’t take enough time off; we’re constantly plugged in and “on” yet are more disconnected than ever before; many of us struggle financially; our healthcare, education, and political systems don’t support us. We truly face many challenges and struggles every day.

    So how do we help ourselves ride the inevitable storms that come our way? How do we handle daily ups and downs without getting swept up by emotions and reactions?

    We’ve always understood that we need to make our health and well-being a priority. Replenish first and replenish often.

    But we have to take care of ourselves on a physical, emotional, and mental level. Body, mind, and soul.

    In a World of Anxiety and Chronic Stress, Self-Care Matters

    Let’s first define self-care.

    Self-care is an active and conscious choice to engage in activities that nourish us and help us maintain an optimal level of overall health. It basically means making healthy lifestyle choices and implementing stress management strategies.

    Self-care is not a new concept. We’ve known for a long time that eating well, exercising, maintaining good sleep habits, and eliminating smoking and drinking are all critical in maintaining good health.

    What’s new is the holistic approach to self-care that goes beyond taking care of your physical well-being. It’s looking at mental health, emotional health, social engagement, spiritual well-being, and of course, physical care as a basis for it all.

    That is the kind of holistic approach we all need to take when thinking about effective and all-encompassing self-care.

    Unfortunately, Americans are hardly practicing any self-care.

    • One in four Americans has a mental health disorder, of which one in seventeen have a severe mental illness. Many of these disorders go untreated.
    • Eighty-one percent of Americans do not exercise enough.
    • More than one-third of Americans are obese.

    So what’s the problem? Well, it’s complicated. Lack of money, lack of time, lack of resources, lack of awareness… It seems overwhelming, I know (pun not intended).

    But we don’t have to completely overhaul our lifestyle in one day, not even one year, to make a substantial difference. Remember, a journey of thousand miles starts with a single step.

    We just have to take that one step forward right now.

    Can you adopt one healthy habit today? Or perhaps, you can eliminate one unhealthy habit from now on? Can you give yourself a gift of a single healthy activity you can commit to doing on a daily or weekly basis?

    My Self-Care Journey

    When I first decided to take charge over my health, I didn’t know where to start.

    I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of things I needed to address: I didn’t sleep well, I worked too much, I suffered from chronic pain and depression, I was highly self-critical, I wasn’t exercising, I knew there was childhood pain that I had to deal with, I was overwhelmed trying to raise three little boys, and I was constantly anxious.

    I was miserable.

    I was unhappy, but I felt too disempowered to “fix” my life—there were just too many problems to tackle, too much to work on. At the same time, I knew I couldn’t continue to live like this.

    Something had to change.

    So I started small, with what at that time seemed like a doable practice…

    In 2011, I committed to daily gratitude journaling at bedtime.

    I simply wrote three good things that I was grateful for that day. It was something I could do in just few minutes, and it made me feel good.

    As I developed the habit of gratitude, my list grew longer and more detailed. In the end, gratitude journaling helped me curb my naturally negative outlook on life, added more optimism and perspective, and helped me sleep better.

    In 2012, I committed to eliminating yelling, complaining, and criticizing.

    This was the next step in curbing my negativity and promoting a more positive mindset. While this wasn’t easy to do and I stumbled a lot initially, over time my attitude changed dramatically, improving all of my relationships in ways I couldn’t imagine (including the one I had with myself, since there was now less fuel for self-blame and feeling guilty).

    In 2013, I committed to making art every day.

    This has been my passion that I’ve neglected for years but craved immensely.

    Doing something for myself just because I enjoyed it was an act of self-love. It brought creativity and play into my life, taught me that mistakes are not such a big deal, gave me a voice that I’ve lost as a busy mother, allowed for self-expression, improved my self-esteem, and in the end was truly healing. (Art is therapy!)

    In 2014, I committed to mindfulness and healing my emotional wounds.

    The pain of the past was still there, and it would pop every now and then, showing up as anger, depression, and fear. I decided to finally tackle it with journaling and mindfulness.

    Ever since I started my gratitude practice, I realized journaling was helpful in making sense of feelings and events, processing my emotions, gaining perspective, and simply letting things go by pouring them out on paper. (Yes, I’m old school!)

    Mindfulness helped me through my emotional healing journey by recognizing, allowing, and accepting my internal experience with presence and compassion.

    Journaling helped me integrate and process my past and present events and feeling, and ultimately became my top self-therapy tool.

    Dealing with suppressed emotional pain was extremely hard, but in the end self-empowering. It freed me from reactivity and emotional high jacking, led to more inner-peace, and accelerated my healing journey of self-love and self-acceptance.

    In 2015, I committed to daily meditation and journaling practice since both were so instrumental and transformational in managing my emotions and well-being.

    I wanted to be more present to life and build a solid foundation for my future.

    Meditation and journaling further deepened my self-awareness; helped me to slow down and recognize negative patterns I needed to work on; taught me how to respond instead of react to life; allowed me to process my present pain and experiences and gain clarity and perspective; eased my anxiety; and improved my attention, empathy, and listening skills.

    In 2016, I committed to weekly yoga.

    I’d tried yoga before and didn’t like it at all. But now I was a changed woman and I craved to reconnect with my body and align my body-mind with my spirit. I also needed to move my body, and yoga offered a relaxing way to do just that.

    It taught me to listen to and respect my body, and ultimately take care of it better (which led to better sleep habits, drinking more water, eating cleaner food, and limiting processed and toxic stuff). It helped with pain and inflammation, flexibility, and body-mind-soul integration. Yoga makes me feel good, whole, and peaceful. I am home.

    A lot has changed in those last six years. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and continue to make daily. Yes, it was hard at the beginning. Creating new habits can be hard, so it’s important to go slow and not get discouraged if you slip up. Pick one goal and commit to it with all your heart.

    Some self-care activities will come easily; I love doodling, walking my dog, listening to relaxing music at bedtime, journaling, reading, taking long baths, hiking, and taking bike rides with kiddos.

    Some habits will be hard to put into practice. For me, as a victim of childhood abuse and neglect, meditation was really hard. So I started with only two minutes a day, lying down. Today I can sit for twenty to thirty minutes with ease.

    There are still days when I don’t feel like going to my yoga class, but I will myself out the door, no matter what. I know it’s good for my mind and my body.

    You will have to push yourself often, but stick with it. You’ll literally wire those new habits into your brain, and it will get easier. The payoff is worth all the work.

    I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m better, healthier, and more peaceful and present.

    I’m dealing with instead of running away from my anxiety. I’m managing instead of suppressing. And there’s much more inner peace, balance, love, and acceptance in my life.

    I’ve killed my inner critic (for the most part), and I’m more in tune with my mind, my body, and my heart than ever before. My relationships have improved, and I like my life, even though it’s still hard sometimes. There are still many challenges I have to deal with, but I feel more empowered and in charge than ever before.

    You Have to Find Your Own Path 

    Your self-care plan may look completely different from mine. It might mean spending more time in nature, taking up running, or ending a toxic relationship. It may mean quarterly juicing, getting a monthly massage, or knitting. It may be developing a new hobby or quitting smoking.

    The beautiful thing is that you are in charge. You and only you know what’s most nourishing for you right now, and what you need to be doing to feel healthy and balanced. You get to decide how to nurture and care for yourself best!

    Don’t put off self-care for later. Later will never come. We have to make time now for what’s important, and self-care needs to be your priority. You are worth it!

  • Seeking Outside Approval Is Giving Our Power Away

    Seeking Outside Approval Is Giving Our Power Away

    Oil Painting Texture

    “When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful.” ~Caroline Myss

    Back in the winter of 2012, I was devastated by a sudden near-deaf experience (90% hearing loss), which led me to a dead end in my IT career.

    “You’ve been overworked. Rest is the only way to recuperate,” said every single doctor.

    Leaving my corporate sales job left me feeling like a total failure.

    I felt lost, confused, and frustrated as darkness swallowed my self-esteem.

    “Why did you have to work so hard and not get the credit you deserved?!” 

    “Is deafness all you got in return for striving toward excellence all these years?!”

    “You are worthless!” 

    As an overachiever and a perfectionist, I felt overwhelmed by a shame storm.

    I was caught up in bitterness and a sense of injustice until one day I realized that I was battling with myself, and the self-loathing quotient went off the chart.

    “What do you want, Universe? Don’t you see that I’m suffering?” I ranted out loud like a mad victim.

    Even though spirituality wasn’t my thing at that point in time, I literally “heard” a clear voice: “Own it. Take stock of your life now, Jen.” This triggered me to start asking why in heaven I had gotten myself into this mud hole.

    Connecting with My Younger Self

    With my eyes closed I saw a seven-year-old girl, the little me. She was taught to be very self-disciplined academically, as she was told to excel and work hard.

    Her sole goal was for her parents to put her on a pedestal for being good and intelligent.

    Since she came from a family where praise was like a foreign language, validating children for trying hard hadn’t been the parenting style in the house. Instead, there was often an attitude that the children could do better—they could work harder to achieve more.

    Hearing her parents give random compliments to other kids at the same age irritated her. She could only draw this conclusion: “Doing my best is not good enough, so I need to try even harder, or else I won’t be worthy of love and attention.”

    From then on, she constantly craved compliments and approval.

    “Jen, great job, keep up the good work!” Those simple comments were like water to her thirsty soul.

    Years later, she became masterful at overachieving, perfecting, and competing, which helped her gain “confidence” through compliments from other people.

    If she ever heard a negative comment, it could ruin her whole day. She’d go home discouraged and mentally lash herself for not doing well enough.

    She didn’t know what to say without first checking other people’s facial expressions. She lived on their compliments as the life stream of her self-worth. Until one day, she realized she’d lost it all. Her physical and emotional wellbeing had gone bankrupt, but worse her authenticity had gone down the drain.

    Even now, I can still feel her pain, the insecurity, the fear of rejection, and the strong need to be loved wrapped underneath a people-pleasing mask.

    Path of Returning to the Truth

    Deep down in my core, I knew that my mother and father, just like many other typical Asian parents, wanted their children to have better lives, and they believed that would come from in excelling in school so they could get better jobs, make more money, and be prosperous.

    I still thought that they should’ve done better, because they weren’t mindful enough to give me the emotional support I needed in my childhood. I got stirred up about it, and I even wanted to confront my parents with a letter to tell them what I thought after all those years.

    Just before I was about to take action, I heard something from inside saying, “They did you wrong, didn’t they? They didn’t give you what you needed, did they?”

    “They sure did!” I replied.

    Then the voice asked, “How do you think you would’ve done if you would’ve been in their shoes, with three kids to raise, with a business to run, with aging parents to take care of, and with a load of family chaos to be sorted out?”

    This conversation changed my perspective. I realized that my parents had done the best they could with what they had. They couldn’t give me what they didn’t even have themselves. I began to feel ashamed of my immaturity and selfishness.

    This time, the shame level was way stronger than it was when I left my corporate job involuntarily and felt worthless.

    Blaming is like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound; it never works. I realized that I was the one not letting anybody off the hook while busy swimming in the pool of victimhood.

    Lessons Learned

    Regaining my hearing after two months was a divine miracle, but I’m grateful that the silence taught me the following lessons about understanding others and releasing the need for approval.

    1. Stop seeking validation from others.

    It’s great when people believe in us, cheer us on, and make us feel valuable. We love when our partners compliment us or a friend is there to give encouragement.

    But you cannot become so dependent on people that you derive your worth and value from how they treat you. It’s easy to become addicted to compliments, addicted to encouragement, addicted to them cheering you on.

    But if other people change their minds and stop giving you the compliments you crave, then you’ll feel devalued. If they don’t meet all your expectations, you’ll get discouraged and feel inferior. You’ll start working overtime, people-pleasing to win their approval.

    At some point, like a mother weans a baby off a bottle, you have to break your need for external validation.

    You no longer need people complimenting you to keep you encouraged. Praise is nice to hear, but you can develop self-sufficiency.

    2. Have compassion for others.

    The truth is, our friends and family members have their own problems. They are not responsible for keeping us happy and making us feel good about ourselves. Don’t put that extra pressure on them. It’s unfair to the people who are in our lives.

    Moreover, sometimes when people don’t give us what we need, it’s because they don’t have it, because nobody gave it to them. If they weren’t raised showing affection to people, and we keep trying to get it from them, we’ll likely end up frustrated.

    Maybe they did the best they could. They may have made a decision that we don’t understand, and we may feel like it has put us at a disadvantage, but at least we didn’t have to walk in their shoes.

    3. Start approving of yourself.

    What people do, or don’t do, doesn’t determine our worth. Our value doesn’t come from another person; it comes from ourselves.

    People may not encourage us, but we can encourage ourselves. People may not make us feel special, but we can make ourselves feel special. We’ll have better relationships if we start validating ourselves instead of becoming needy and waiting for other people to give us our approval fix.

    Learn how to compliment and validate yourself. Practice affirming: I am strong. I am healthy. I am highly favored. I am beautiful. I am lucky. (Be creative!)

    4. Don’t give your power away.

    When a person walks away, wrongs us, or even makes hurtful comments, we need to learn to shake off that disrespect.

    Don’t believe the lies that we are not talented enough, attractive enough, or good enough. They don’t determine our value. They can’t lessen our self-worth. The only power people have over us is the power we give to them.

    We don’t have to play up to people to try to win their favor. If they don’t want to be in our lives, it’s actually their loss, not ours.

    —

    If you learn this principle of not relying on people for your worth and start generating your own approval and acknowledgment, you won’t feel crushed when somebody doesn’t give you what you expect.

    The less we depend on people for validation, the stronger we’ll become and the higher we will go.