Tiny Buddha

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  • How to Fall Back in Love With Your Life

    How to Fall Back in Love With Your Life

    Pure Joy

    “If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    Ever found yourself in a rut, just waiting for some force of the Universe to pull you out?

    When ennui sets in, it can be hard to find a way back into the light, but it typically takes a series of events and choices for us to be living a life out of sync with our personal goals, values, and passions.

    Last year, I found myself in one of these ruts. After spinning my wheels for quite some time, I realized my so-called attempts at improving my circumstances were a farce—I was just exhausting my energy waiting for a savior to come to my rescue.

    Finally, when that savior never came, I snapped out of it and acknowledged I don’t live in some fantasy novel, and can’t invoke, by sheer will, a knight in shining armor. As Alice Sebold wrote in her memoir, Lucky, “You save yourself or you remain unsaved.”

    At the time, I was in a job I had long outgrown. A job that no longer provided challenge, growth, or even companionship. This alone had come to impact everything else in my life.

    Spending solitary day after solitary day was taking its toll, zapping my energy. By the end of the day, I no longer had anything left and didn’t want to do the things I normally enjoyed, like yoga or meeting with friends. I even struggled to regularly apply to new positions, disappointed and despairing with each rejection.

    Since I had just completed my masters program, I felt even more frustrated at my prospects. Had I just wasted three years of my life pursuing a degree that didn’t fit with my values or goals? Would I need to go to school all over again?

    Too many unanswered questions left me feeling hopeless and unmotivated.

    Then I met Hazel, a career coach I instantly connected with. It took me a few months, but I finally called her to schedule a session.

    Hazel helped me work through my self-limiting beliefs, determine my values—and value—and recognize that I could live authentically right now. I didn’t have to start from scratch.

    Here’s what I learned:

    1. Take the long way home.

    Sometimes it takes a literal change in perspective to change your mental perspective. During a week when my car was in the shop, I decided to walk home instead of catching the bus.

    It was raining outside, and the walk was at least seven miles, but I had nowhere to be. Some of the roads I took were roads I’d never taken before and some I’d driven many times. All of them were new to me that day.

    When I first moved to Denver, I walked everywhere, and everything was magical because it was new and special and offered up so much possibility. After being here for three years, the novelty had worn off and it was familiar—and the magic and possibility I felt at twenty-four seemed to have worn off with it.

    This walk brought me back the basics and opened my heart back up to the magic. I didn’t have to move to a new place, a place that would also inevitably become home and lose its magic if I let it. I just had to change my perspective.

    When we get bored or restless, we don’t necessarily have to move on. By taking the long way home, I fell back in love with my town, and by changing my physical perspective, I was able to see all of the possibilities that had been there all along.

    2. Move.

    I highly encourage movement to be a part of your daily life. Like anyone else, I can and will find excuses not to get outdoors or to yoga, but when I do, I feel recharged, centered, and empowered. Movement does this faster and better than anything else I’ve found.

    There’s a funny saying that if you stand on your head for a few minutes every day, you’ll change your perspective. I think this goes movement, too. When you shift your focus through movement, you start to see things a little differently, and the possibilities open up again.

    3. Surround yourself with the right people.

    There’s nothing wrong with relating to people or venting every now and again, but it’s also important to surround yourself with people and conversations that leverage enthusiasm, excitement, and satisfaction. Spend time with people who build you up, see and encourage your strengths, and who are, themselves, living authentically.

    Energy is contagious, and if you’re around positive energy and speaking with others in terms of positivity, you’ll begin to restructure your thinking, and, ultimately, the way you see and experience the world around you.

    4. Be present.

    I know, I know—this one’s been said before. But it can’t be said enough. One of the main reasons people feel dissatisfaction with their life is because they’re missing it.

    When we’re not present, we become a little numb.

    Taking in this very moment as it is, truly engaging—rather than living in your head, thinking about what comes next, or brooding (or pining) over what has past—can really heighten your appreciation and keep you from feeling that sense of emptiness that results from living somewhere other than the here and now.

    You may even be surprised by how easy it is to learn new things or remember pieces of information when you start to fully tune in.

    5. Identify your values.

    I had to identify human connection as one of my top values before I realized there was nothing wrong with me just because I couldn’t work in isolation. Once I recognized what was vital to my emotional well-being, I could pursue a life that ensured my values were a part of my daily world.

    What are your values? We often admire others and think we should be doing what they are doing to be successful and satisfied with our lives. In actuality, we probably admire them because they are living out their own truth. Authenticity is attractive, not quality X, Y or Z.

    Look within, not to others, to find your values; once you do, figure out how they can be put into action so you are living your most authentic life, and start taking steps, large or small, to make them your reality.

    6. Serve others.

    Ever notice how a little time in your head can help clarify things, while too much time just makes everything murkier? Get out of there, already!

    I hate to say it, but we (and I include myself in this statement) are a bit of a self-absorbed society. When we’re always thinking about me, myself and I, we become quickly dissatisfied. Maybe it’s too much time spent with unproductive thoughts or a lack of connectedness, but this self-absorption can quickly bring us down.

    The surest way to stop thinking about yourself is to start thinking about someone else. When you do something for someone else—out of love, compassion or connectedness—not obligation, you might find you’ve forgotten your troubles, and life actually feels fuller, more meaningful.

    I believe we are all connected and thus all have our own roles to play in which we contribute to the collective good. When we connect to that role, we simultaneously connect to our purpose and to each other, filling up that hollowness we can get when we’re not feeling so in love with our life.

    Falling back in love with your life requires a little determination and reflection, but mostly it’s about letting go and just tuning in—to your most authentic self and to the world and people around you.

    Photo by bellaleb-photo

  • Keep Shining Your Light, Even When You Feel Broken

    Keep Shining Your Light, Even When You Feel Broken

    “I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz

    I keep a prism hanging near the entrance to my home. Its beauty, made possible only by the broken nature of the glass from which it is constructed, serves as a constant reminder that even the broken pieces within each and every one of us can serve as a source of light. It’s a lesson that took me some time to learn.

    Shortly after graduating from college, I took a long, brutally honest look at my life and realized that it had become stagnant and nearly joyless. I was entrenched in a profoundly unhappy relationship, working too much, and laughing too little. I decided then to make a change.

    I acknowledged that the lies I told myself—that I was unlovable, somehow broken, or a victim of an abusive past—had created a world in which deep happiness was seen only in glimpses.

    I accepted as truth that I had not just a right to find happiness but a duty to do so, and I dedicated myself to its pursuit. I ended that relationship, negotiated better hours at work, and set my mind to finding joy. 

    On an academic level, I did everything I could to ensure the growth of my spirit: I cultivated meaningful relationships, I kept a gratitude journal, I did yoga. I read and discussed countless books and articles about age-old wisdom and the secrets of happiness.

    Through dedicated action and a commitment to growth, I was able to rewire my brain to invite and accept happiness in myriad ways.

    But, on a personal level, my path was less clear. Some days I was astonished by the sheer beauty of life and felt fully connected and present. I had profound moments of clarity in which I knew that I was a part of the great fabric of the universe and, as such, deeply beautiful.

    But some days old patterns of dysfunctional thought would creep in. 

    I was astounded to find that my perception of my appearance could throw an entire morning off, or that I still struggled to understand why any person should love me.

    I battled disappointment and sadness as I grappled with those unwelcome thoughts. In those moments of darkness, I began to question whether I had grown at all.

    Meanwhile, friends, family members, and acquaintances would confide in me that my approach to life, cheerful nature, and natural light was an inspiration to them. As I shared some of the wisdom that I had learned during my journey toward self-discovery, I helped those around me ease their own suffering. Yet, still I questioned myself.

    I wondered, “How can I help anyone else when I don’t feel whole?” 

    It was during one of those moments of deep uncertainty that a dear friend urged me to acknowledge my own light.

    He asked me to imagine a world in which I hadn’t shared my joy, a place devoid of the little transformations I had made.

    I had to admit that if I had allowed those moments of darkness to overshadow the clarity I had achieved, the world would be a tiny bit less bright. I acknowledged that it was my duty to prevent that.

    I had to set aside fear—fear that I was not good enough, not complete enough—in order to allow my light to shine.

    There is a quote by Stephen Cope, from The Great Work of Your Life, that I have hanging in my bedroom. It reads, “Each of us feels some aspect of the world’s suffering acutely. And we must pay attention. We must act. This little corner of the world is ours to transform. This little corner of the world is ours to save.”

    With that in mind, I am able to act—to offer love, support, help, and kindness when I can. I am able to shine. It is, in fact, our suffering that allows us to transform the little corner of the world that is ours.

    The path to self-growth is not linear. It is a meandering journey through mountains and valleys, and occasionally there are more lows than highs. But it is a journey ever onward, and it is our light—that same light that exists in every one of us—that guides the way, if only we allow it to shine.

    Invite yourself to embrace every aspect of your being. Perhaps there will be times that you feel less than whole, but when those moments come, encourage yourself to remember a time when you made the world a more positive place. Regardless of where you are on your path, that moment mattered.

    The moment you share your light, the world becomes a brighter place.

  • Dealing with Depression: 10 Ways to Feel Positive and Peaceful

    Dealing with Depression: 10 Ways to Feel Positive and Peaceful

    “Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” ~Christopher Reeve

    I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager. My experiences have also caused severe post-traumatic stress disorder.

    My father has been abandoning me for my whole life. As a teenager, I went to live with him because my relationship with my mother was so difficult. He sexually abused me for the year that I lived with him.

    At the age of seventeen, I sought solace by turning to what I thought was God. For the next twenty-eight years I held a set of beliefs that were angry and judgmental and made me feel cut off from others, including my family and those in my own church.

    Because of my experiences with my father and the church, I had a hard time living in the moment and enjoying life. I lived with low self-esteem and had trouble establishing healthy boundaries in relationships, which caused me to continue to create painful interactions with others.

    When I was forty-five years old, I sought relief from my depression and loneliness through self-help books. I quickly found my way to author and publisher Louise Hay and began my journey of enlightenment and healing.

    Over the last couple of years, through therapy and continued reading, I have discovered some tools to help me feel more positive, peaceful, and joyful. I notice when I use them consistently, I recover faster from periods of depression. Perhaps they will help you, too, when you are feeling depressed.

    1. Focus on self-love.

    Some ways to do that are: be patient and compassionate with yourself, release perfectionist standards, remind yourself of all your wonderful qualities and talents, and give yourself praise and encouragement.

    Doing a self-love meditation is especially comforting and uplifting for me. I talk to myself like I would to someone else that I want to express love to. It feels amazing to give myself what I want and need.

    2. Listen to your inner child, without resistance.

    Allow her to feel and express what she is going through and grieve when she needs to. Let him know that you are always there to listen and to love him.

    When my inner child feels angry, I validate and soothe her. I let her know that she deserves to have relationships that feel good and have healthy boundaries within them.

    3. Notice how you feel in your body when you are upset.

    As you observe your unpleasant sensations, name them. For instance, I feel heaviness in my chest, I feel like crying, my arms are warm, my head feels like it’s going to explode, my stomach hurts, my muscles are tight.

    As you simply allow your sensations to be, you will notice that they start to dissipate on their own. Try it. You will be amazed.

    When I do this exercise, I may also notice the thoughts that are causing the troubling sensations. I have learned that in spite of my unpleasant sensations, I can still hold a positive thought or belief and when I do, I feel better.

    So, I may say something like this to myself, “In spite of all of these unpleasant sensations, I know that things can work out the way that I want them to.”

    4. Ask someone else for what you need.

    One day I was feeling very disconnected from others, so I called a friend of mine and asked if she had time to come by and give me a hug. She said she loves hugs and she came over for a short visit to give me one, which gave me the sense of connection that I needed and wanted to feel.

    Here are some examples of things you might ask for: a massage, a favor, someone to listen to you or to help you problem-solve, or a date with your partner or a friend or family member.

    Something I do on a regular basis is ask the Universe for a gift. I always get what is perfect for me at that time. Sometimes a wonderful new thought fills my mind and lifts me up or I receive guidance on an important issue, and other times I receive an unexpected monetary gift or an interaction with someone that makes me feel loved or appreciated.

    5. Participate in enjoyable activities to help you get out of your head and into the present moment.

    Some things you can do are: meditate, spend time with (or call) a friend or family member, read, do a hobby that you love, listen to music, take a hot bath, watch your favorite television show or a movie, or treat yourself to something you have been wanting.

    Spending time in nature helps me to ground myself in the present moment. It gives me an inexplicable peace and joy that surprises and rejuvenates me. I love going to the lake or for a walk or sitting on my porch, which has a beautiful view of the most wonderful trees.

    6. Focus on the thought “All things are possible.”

    You don’t have to know how you will receive your desires and you don’t have to figure anything out. Just rest, knowing that the possibilities will unfold.

    I specifically remind myself that it is possible for me to: feel well physically and emotionally, be fulfilled and prosperous, and have love, joy, and peace in my life. When I do this, I sometimes get excited as I anticipate the changes and miracles to come.

    7. Use a visualization to release your painful thoughts.

    In your mind’s eye, place negative thoughts on leaves and watch them gently float away downstream, or place the troubling words on cars of a freight train and watch them zoom away.

    When I do these exercises, I place distance between myself and what is bothering me, and I feel lighter.

    8. Practice gratitude for the good times.

    Notice when you are not depressed and take the time to be fully present in those moments and appreciate them. Notice how it feels in your body to not be depressed.

    Now that I am more aware of when I am feeling good, when depression hits, I know that I am not always depressed. I acknowledge that this too shall pass.

    9. Be productive.

    Sometimes what you need to get out of the pit of depression is to be productive. You may get depressed because you are not getting important things done, or you may be depressed and therefore not get important things done. In both of these cases, productivity may make you feel good about yourself and lift your mood significantly.

    When I feel depressed, I don’t feel like doing anything. So, I tell myself, “In spite of how I feel in my body and these upsetting thoughts, I am going to wash my dishes (or any other activity) anyway.” Once I get one thing done, I feel a sense of accomplishment and am usually motivated to get other things done.

    10. Let love in.

    Surround yourself with positive and loving people and healthy relationships. I remind myself that I deserve to have relationships that feel good and nourishing to me. I may give myself space in certain relationships and release others that are not working for me.

    I remember that people do love me, even if they don’t show it the way that I want. I know they are doing the best they can, and if they don’t love themselves, then they are not going to know how to love me. I forgive them for the ways they have hurt me or let me down, and that gives me some peace.

    I consistently practice using my tools when I feel depressed and I know that the saying “practice makes perfect” is not true. My human self will never be perfect, and that is okay.

    Not all of my tools will work every time to help me move through depression. Sometimes I use just one tool and other times, I use additional ones. I listen to myself so I will know each time what I need. And you can do the same.

    *This post represents one person’s personal experience and advice. If you’re struggling with depression and nothing seems to help, you may want to contact a professional. 

  • How to Respond to Negative People Without Being Negative

    How to Respond to Negative People Without Being Negative

    “Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” ~Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

    A former coworker seemed to talk non-stop and loudly, interrupt incessantly, gossip about whomever wasn’t in the room, constantly complain, and live quite happily in martyrdom.

    It seemed nothing and no one escaped her negative spin. She was good at it. She could twist the happiest moment of someone’s life into a horrendous mistake. She seemed to enjoy it, too.

    At first, my judgmental mind thought her behavior was quite inappropriate. I simply didn’t approve of it. But after weeks of working with her, the thought of spending even one more moment in her presence sent me into, well, her world.

    Her negativity was infectious. More and more, I found myself thinking about her negativity, talking with others about her negativity, and complaining about her constant negativity.

    For a while, though, I listened to her whenever she followed me into the lunchroom or the ladies’ room. I didn’t know what to say, or do, or even think. I was held captive.

    I’d excuse myself from the one-sided chit-chat as soon as possible, wanting to someday be honest enough to kindly tell her that I choose not to listen to gossip. Instead, I chose avoidance. I avoided eye contact, and any and all contact. Whenever I saw her coming, I’d get going and make for a quick getaway. I worked hard at it, too.

    And it was exhausting because whether I listened to her or not, or even managed to momentarily escape her altogether, I was still held captive by her negativity.

    I interacted with her only a handful of times a month, but her negative presence lingered in my life. And I didn’t like it. But what I didn’t like didn’t really matter—I wanted to look inside myself to come up with a way to escape, not just avoid, a way to just let go of the hold this negativity had on me.

    When I did look within, I saw that I was the one exaggerating the negative.

    I chose to keep negativity within me even when she wasn’t around. This negativity was mine. So, as with most unpleasant things in life, I decided to own up and step up, to take responsibility for my own negativity.

    Instead of blaming, avoiding, and resisting the truth, I would accept it. And, somehow, I would ease up on exaggerating the negative.

    I welcomed the situation as it was, opening up to the possibilities for change within me and around her.

    I knew all about the current emotional fitness trends telling us to surround ourselves with only happy, positive people and to avoid negative people—the us versus them strategy for better emotional health. I saw this as disconnecting, though.

    We all have times when we accentuate the positive and moments when we exaggerate the negative. We are all connected in this.

    Instead of continuing to disconnect, to avoid being with negativity while denying my own, I wanted to reconnect, with compassion and kindness toward both of us.

    She and I shared in this negativity together. And once I made the connection and saw our connection, a few simple and maybe a little more mindful thoughts began to enter my mind and my heart. This reconnection would be made possible through love.

    And these simple little, love-induced thoughts spoke up something like this:

    • Patience can sit with negativity without becoming negative, rushing off to escape, or desiring to disconnect from those who choose negativity. Patience calms me.
    • While I’m calm, I can change the way I see the situation. I can see the truth. Instead of focusing on what I don’t like, I can see positive solutions. I can deal with it.
    • I can try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. Why might this woman choose or maybe need to speak with such negativity? I can be compassionate.
    • Why does what this woman chooses or needs to say cause me to feel irritated, angry, or resentful? I have allowed her words to push my negativity buttons. I can’t blame her.
    • She doesn’t even know my buttons exist. She’s only concerned with her own needs. I’ve never even told her how much her negativity bothers me. I see what truly is.
    • I see that we are both unhappy with our shared negativity. People who complain and gossip and sacrifice themselves for others aren’t happy. I can help to free us both.
    • I will only help. I will do no harm. I have compassion for us both. I will show kindness toward both of us. I will cultivate love for us, too. I choose to reconnect.
    • I will start with me and then share love with others. May I be well and happy. May our family be well and happy. May she be well and happy. I choose love.

    And whenever I saw her, I greeted her with a kind smile. I sometimes listened to her stories, excusing myself whenever her words became unkind, much the same as I had done before. But I noticed the negativity no longer lingered within me. It disappeared as soon as I began choosing love again. I was freed. And I was happier. Compassion, kindness, and love had made me so.

    My desire was not to speak my mind in an attempt to change hers, to change her apparent need to choose negative words. I did hope she might free herself from negativity and liberate herself by choosing positivity instead. Our reconnection was complete, quite unlimited, too, and it gave me hope that happiness could be ours, shared through our connection.

    I continue to cultivate this loving connection, being compassionate and kind whenever people, myself included, choose to speak negative words, for we all do from time to time. We are positively connected in this negativity thing, and everything else. And compassion, kindness, and love happily connect us all.

  • How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure

    How to Move On When You’re Hurt and Waiting for Closure

    “Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Ah, closure. That feeling of vindication, or a sense of completion—it can be very enticing!

    There are times when seeking resolution is really important. If we are having an argument with our partner, settling it can help strengthen our relationship. If we are having a disagreement over a contract, determining the outcome may be required to continue with the project at hand.

    In these types of situations, seeking resolution is very relevant.

    That said, there are loads of situations that occur in life in which we seek closure, even though it does not really serve us. As a matter of fact, this desire can hold us back.

    When we feel we’ve been done wrong, we want resolution. The size or type of infraction may not matter. We want to know who is guilty of the offense, or, if we know who the culprit is, we want to know why they did it.

    Here’s the catch: It’s pretty common to feel like this resolution is necessary to move forward.

    Many moons ago I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be quite unsavory. Unbeknownst to me, he had gone through my wallet, made note of my credit card info, and was using two of my cards to finance what I can only describe as a shopping addiction.

    I was not using the cards at all, so was not expecting to see bills, and since he consistently arrived home before I did, he was able to get the bills from the mailbox before I ever saw them.

    I did not learn of his deception until we broke up for other reasons.

    Besides dealing with typical breakup emotions, I also had to face the reality of this man’s ability to lie to me and steal from me.

    Yes, the relationship went south, but I thought we’d had love and respect between us, and, well, enough integrity to not commit crimes against one another.

    I wanted him to account for his behavior; I wanted an apology; I wanted him to explain to me how he could have behaved in such a despicable manner toward anyone, much less me, his girlfriend (at the time).

    Unsurprisingly, I didn’t get any of that.

    I was rocked by this for quite some time. It took me months to realize that the reason I wasn’t getting over it was because I was still waiting for him to explain, apologize, or something. I realized that if I wanted to let it go, I was also going to have to let go of my desire for him to admit he was a mega jerk.

    We want to feel in the right. We want it to be recognized that we were done wrong. If possible, we want an admission of guilt.

    However, in looking for this type of closure, we are often giving away our power. We’re saying, “I cannot move past this experience until…”

    What we actually desire is an internal, emotional shift. We want to feel better!

    We already know we can’t expect the outside world to take care of our feelings. Let’s apply that knowledge to resolution as well.

    Here’s how I got over the thieving boyfriend situation, and it’s a formula I continue to remind myself of whenever I begin to feel like I can’t move past an experience until satisfaction is mine.

    Acknowledge that something crappy happened.

    Yes, it totally sucks when a formerly good friend stops returning our calls and texts. And it can be life-altering when we are let go from a job, despite receiving positive feedback on our performance review.

    It’s important not to pretend. Sometimes we rush past the feelings that are present in an attempt to appear uncaring (unhurt, really), or like we have it handled. Getting back on the horse is great and all, but let’s first acknowledge that it hurt when we were knocked off!

    Having feelings doesn’t make us less able to handle tough stuff, or to come up with great solutions. It just means we’re human.

    Identify all the feelings you do have.

    If the situation is minor, it may be one or two feelings. For more intense events, it can take a while to pinpoint all of them.

    This is essential, because identification and recognition go hand-in-hand. In doing this, we’re accepting that we are feeling these emotions. This sort of self-acknowledgment is crucial.

    By the way, we’re the only ones who get to decide what is major, or minor, for us. We’re all unique, and we’ve all had different experiences that have helped mold who we are. Something that is minor for one may be major for another, and vice versa. That’s okay.

    The point is not to compare the experience we are having to how others would react; it’s to self-process and move forward.

    Release the need for outside meditation of any sort.

    This is not about forgiveness. It’s not about taking the high road, either. Those options both involve the other person. This is about us, and what we want.

    It is simply about asserting that we can move forward regardless of what is happening (or what doesn’t happen) in the outside world. We can use affirmations, or meditation, or whatever tools work for us for energy release.

    When we are looking for resolution from the outside world, we are also seeking acknowledgement. Learning to self-acknowledge is a wonderful gift to give ourselves.

    Whether you use the tips above, or another recipe that works for you, let’s choose to move forward. We are the one who will benefit, and we’re the only ones who will suffer if we don’t.

  • 6 Ways Your Mind Tries to Control Your Life

    6 Ways Your Mind Tries to Control Your Life

    Hand on Head

    “I know but one freedom and that is the freedom of the mind.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    Our mind is a funny thing. On the one hand, it’s awesome. But on the other, it can pulverize us more quickly and ruthlessly than anything else.

    Our mind is inherently scared. That’s its job, to be cautious—to keep us alive, to have us cross roads safely and not get eaten by a lion. But left unchecked, it can become paralyzed with fear and meaner than a cornered crocodile.

    And it’s incredibly bossy.

    The mind’s tendency to want to control is so strong and so habitual that we often don’t realize when it tries to push our inner wisdom and natural sense of ease and love aside.

    The bad news is there is no book or course that will change the nature of our mind. The good news? We don’t have to change it. The problem isn’t our mind but how we use it.

    We feel anxious, fearful, sad, or resentful when we give our mind too much power, when we follow its dopey ideas against our better judgment.

    Here’s how to spot when your mind is trying to take over.

    1. When you ignore your natural inclination.

    Your mind is smart. Not wise smart but computer smart.

    Your mind isn’t into all that woolly intuition jazz. It wants facts. It likes making calculations. Running the odds.

    Say you want to call a friend you haven’t thought of in years. But then your mind says, “Don’t be silly. He’s probably not home. He won’t remember me.”

    So you don’t call.

    But have you ever followed one of those inclinations and then looked back and seen, wow, look at everything that happened after?

    And what about decisions like what to do with your life? The logical way is listen to experts or copy what works for other people. Your mind loves this.

    This is why we ignore the little voice that says, “You should be a writer,” and choose instead to study statistics, because there are plenty of jobs for statisticians. Or we train to be a dancer because we’re “good at that.”

    Except you aren’t “other people.” And experts aren’t as expert about you as you are. And just because you’re “good at something” doesn’t mean it’s what you want to do.

    2. When you want to say no but you end up saying yes.

    Do you have trouble saying no?

    I used to. I didn’t even see it as a serious option until I was age twenty-three and so strung out from months of overdoing that I went for five nights without sleep in the middle of finals.

    It was messy.

    I thought there were rules more important than my deep desire not to do something. Rules like be a good friend, be a good student, go to lots of parties.

    It took me months to recover.

    This is, of course, a total mind thing. Your mind wants to be liked and it thinks everything is important.

    Your mind doesn’t realize that saying “no” isn’t a big deal, or even a medium deal. Or that your intuition is where wisdom lies.

    Not only is it your right to do as you genuinely desire, it benefits everyone when you do.

    I was watching An Angel at My Table recently, based on the autobiography of Janet Frame, one of New Zealand’s favorite authors. Janet spent eight years in a psychiatric hospital, had two hundred electroshock treatments, and narrowly escaped a lobotomy only to learn years later that she wasn’t unwell; she just didn’t like being very social, and if she did what she felt like doing, she was fine.

    3. When you constantly text or check your phone, email, or Facebook status.

    I love the Internet and email and reading comments on my blog. Just love it. What an awesome world we live in.

    But often I feel off balance because of it. Or rather, because of how I use it.

    And it’s not like I don’t know why I get so hooked on it. I do. I’m looking for approval.

    The need for approval goes deep. Not only is it a natural trait of the mind, it’s entrenched by our schooling system.

    But it’s dangerous. It keeps you distracted from the present moment and trains you to worry when people disapprove. Which they will.

    The modern hyper-connected world is addictive. To the mind it’s like candy.

    So what’s the answer? Give it all up?

    Personally, heck no. But setting limits and removing temptation keeps things in check.

    4. When you think, “It’s all very well for them.”

    Have you ever heard an inspirational story and thought, “It’s all very well for him, he came from a rowing family. It’s easy for him to row the Northwest Passage.”

    You see it all the time and it’s a classic case of your mind resisting change, worried you’ll want to make some leap of your own.

    Take Elizabeth Gilbert and her book, Eat, Pray, Love.

    It wasn’t a story about traveling around the world. Not really. It was about survival and courage and how one woman used the resources she had to save herself.

    Thinking, as a few did, that it’s all very well for her she could afford to travel around the world is missing the point.

    We all have the ability to get up off our metaphorical bathroom floor. And we all have our own unique set of resources to help us. When your mind is quickly dismissive and judgmental, it’s trying to stop you from seeing this.

    5. When you try and control someone else.

    Have you ever thought you knew better than someone else and tried to get them to do things your way?

    Just like dozens of times a day, right?

    Your mind is certain you have to intervene. You don’t. Your mind thinks it knows best. It doesn’t.

    Trying to control other people, in small and big matters, is not only annoying and disrespectful, it stops the flow of life. You miss out.

    I don’t know how many times I’ve experienced a profound and unexpected pleasure after I’ve ignored the urge to butt in.

    6. When you feel inadequate for being “too negative.”

    We’re inundated with messages telling us we should be grateful and positive and the like. They’re well meaning, but ultimately unhelpful.

    Because here’s the catch.

    Your mind regards these ideas as rules and is critical when you fail, as you invariably will. Because seriously, who’s positive or grateful all the time?

    A few years ago a friend told me I was a negative person.

    My response: “Okay, so how do I change that?”

    “You don’t,” he said. “You probably won’t always be this way. It’s just how you are right now.”

    Whenever you feel inadequate, this is your mind pushing you to “follow the rules.” It’s well intentioned, but misguided.

    Accepting how you are, no matter how you are, is the most loving and genuinely positive thing you can do.

    And yes, this applies to when you’re being controlling.

    It’s your mind’s nature to seek control. It’s neither a good or bad thing, it just is. Sometimes you’ll succumb, other times you won’t. And it’s all perfectly okay.

    Photo by threephin

  • When You’re In Transition: Being Patient and Accepting Uncertainty

    When You’re In Transition: Being Patient and Accepting Uncertainty

    “Fear, uncertainty, and discomfort are your compasses toward growth.” ~Celestine Chua

    Change is never easy, yet it’s always around us. Sometimes it hits us over the head (if you experience divorce, a career change, a move, or a loss of a loved one). Other times, it’s hiding around the next corner. And most of the time, it’s happening even we don’t even know it.

    My father firmly believed in the adage the only constant is change. Myself, however, I avoided change as much as I could because I didn’t want to deal with uncertainty.

    After a well-scheduled high school experience, I applied early to college and graduate school just to be sure I knew my future. That worked well for a little bit. Until it didn’t. Until I realized that these decisions kept me from understanding that I was completely terrified of not knowing what to do next. That all of my early acceptances were actually holding me back from discovering what I really want.

    After completing graduate school, I took my first pause, not knowing which direction I was headed in. To be honest, a pause is a kind word. It could also have been called a bit of a breakdown or simply the hard realization that life is a series of transitions and rarely “just planned out.”

    A few years down the road, I found myself in another career and personal transition. I noticed I wanted to cling to something again to avoid uncertainty. After pouring through more graduate school websites and clinging to the idea that finding certain work was the answer, I realized I needed time to be in transition, even though it terrified me.

    I needed time to heal and time to just be. Because that idea of being in transition made me quite uncomfortable, I knew I needed to sit with it, find my way through it, and finally become friends and a little more comfortable with transitions.

    I once heard that the only way out is through. There are no short cuts. In order to hang (or some days, wallow) in and through the transition, I learned a few tools along the way:

    Break the cycle of caring what other people think.

    For a while, I hated when acquaintances and former colleagues would ask, “What are you doing now?” I would cower under that question and try to invent answers that would be sure to impress them, such as “I am learning astrophysics” or “becoming a ballet dancer” (both utterly and completely untrue).

    On the whole, our society is fixated on success and we are rarely encouraged to take time “out.” Once I stopped judging myself, people’s questions seemed a lot less important to me and I was able to relax into my transition a little more.

    Learn to just hang out. Wherever it is you are.

    Take a day. An hour. A lunch break. Stop with the planning and action-stepping and self-help reading and just chill. Don’t check email. Don’t look for a solution. Turn it off. Whatever it is. It will still be there. Just take a pause and breathe. Because then the real pauses will feel a lot easier and familiar.

    Be cool with the idea that there is no quick fix.

    While looking for the next opportunity (personal or professional), it can be tempting to say yes to something just to end the search.

    A friend of mine used to encourage her other friends to date “the second-best-guy” and to just take any job. That didn’t work for me. At all. The times I tried that left me right back at square one, even more discouraged.

    The real thing takes time to find. The real thing is worth waiting for. The real thing is why we left whatever wasn’t working in the first place.

    Do things that keep you centered and grounded.

    It can be overwhelming to be in transition. It can be hard to make a simple decision sometimes. And it can be oh-so-tempting to self-medicate. Instead of obsessing over writing a resume or an e-mail or wasting time on Facebook, take a walk. Or sing a song or bake a chocolate cake. Or read a book or sing really loudly in the shower. Or do whatever it is that makes you feel centered. Do it every day. Commit to it.

    I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I am feeling closer to it every day and am beginning to welcome transitions, because as their words says, they help us transition to the place we want to be.

    Once we can soften into the transition and take the time—which is a gift—to relax into them, they can soon evolve into a place of respite, a place that is ripe with possibilities and excitement, a place that holds the space for us to become even stronger.

  • Are You Limited by the Fear of What Other People Think?

    Are You Limited by the Fear of What Other People Think?

    “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    A few months ago, I found myself on the busy streets of London’s Covent Garden.

    It was a mild Friday evening in the capital and the masses were out celebrating the end of the working week, looking forward to the weekend ahead.

    But that’s not why I was there.

    I’d come to Covent Garden on that day for a special project.

    For most of my life, the fear of what other people thought of me had kept me trapped. It had prevented me from reaching my full potential and from enjoying life to its fullest.

    I couldn’t bring myself to dance in public for fear that people would point and laugh. At work I was unable to voice my opinions for fear they’d be thought stupid. And at my lowest point, even walking down the street became a struggle, as my mind ran wild with images of people talking about and laughing at me as I went by.

    I lived a half-life. I knew I was missing out. I also knew I had so much more to contribute to this world. But I was paralyzed by the fear that if I put myself out there I’d be ridiculed and rejected.

    And so the “real me” remained cocooned somewhere inside. I knew she was there, I knew who she was, but fear kept her trapped.

    But sixteen months ago, things began to shift. Filled with an increasing sense that I wasn’t living my purpose and a vast emptiness from the lack of meaning my life seemed to have, I quit my corporate office job in search of answers, determined to live a more fulfilling life.

    I made a commitment to myself then to face each and every one of my fears and to find a way to reconnect to the real Leah and let her out into the world.

    The last sixteen months of my life have been challenging, as I commit every day to living a little further outside my comfort zone. But being in that space of discomfort and crossing the threshold from fear into courage has led to the fulfilment I craved as I realize just how much I’m capable of.

    I’d be lying if I said I no longer gave a second thought to what others think, but for the most part I can push past that to do the things I know I need to do.

    And so it is that I arrived in Covent Garden, in the hope of now encouraging others to free themselves of that fear of what others think and embrace life in its entirety.

    And so there I stood, on the crowded streets of London that evening, holding a sign handcrafted from old cereal boxes, saying:

    “How often does the fear of what other people think stop you from doing something?”

    The reaction to this simple question left me gobsmacked.

    People stopped and took notice.

    Some smiled knowingly, acknowledging that their own lives had been affected by the fear of what others think.

    Some nodded with something of a sad look on their face. Perhaps there was something they really wanted to do but were being held back by that fear.

    Others engaged in conversation, sharing their stories of how the fear of what other people thought had touched their lives or how they’d learned not to care so much.

    That day, I experienced for the very first time the extent to which the fear of what other people think affects our lives—all of our lives. What might we be capable of if we could let go of that fear?

    I went home that evening having learned some valuable lessons…

    You’re never alone.

    Too often we suffer our fears in silence. We believe ourselves to be the only one.

    Everywhere we look we seem to be surrounded by confident people.

    But I’ve come to realize that everyone—those who appear confident or shy; extroverts of introverts—we all, each and every one of us, are struggling with our own fears.

    When the fear of what other people think is holding you back, take a look around and remember, everyone is living with his or her own fear. You are not alone.

    By confronting your fears, you help others confront theirs.

    More than anything, when you stop caring what others think and set out to achieve your goals and dreams, you give others the power to do the same.

    Someone is always watching and wishing they had your courage. By stepping up to your own fears, you really do help others face theirs.

    Be vulnerable and honest. Being open about your fears and confronting them head on could be the greatest gift you ever give.

    What you think they think isn’t the reality.

    Those people over there? The ones you think are talking about you? Judging you? They’re not. Really. They don’t have time. They’re too busy worrying about what people are thinking about them!

    And even if they were looking at you, judging you, talking about you, you can be almost certain they’re not saying the awful things you imagine.

    Instead, they’re envying the color of your hair, your shoes, the way you look so confident.

    What we think people think of us usually doesn’t come close to the reality.

    Freedom from the fear of what others think is possible.

    The fear of what other people think of us is like a cage.

    Over time you become so used to being inside that cage you eventually come to forget what the outside might be like. You resign yourself to living within its walls.

    By taking deliberate and purposeful action to overcome the fear of what others think of you, you slowly regain your freedom and escape from the confines of the prison you’ve created for yourself.

    And life outside that cage? It’s pretty awesome!

    It’s a place where you can be the person you always knew you were meant to be.

    And that, being fully self-expressed, being everything you know you are, fulfilling your greatest potential in life, well, that’s the greatest feeling you could ever know.

    Don’t let the fear of what other people think stop you from living the life you were born to live.

    Photo by PhObOss

  • 7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

    7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

    “We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene

    Sometimes I am really terrible to myself, and I relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am.

    On an almost daily basis, I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved, or that I’m not living up to my full potential.

    There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of money, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever.

    Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, I seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about myself.

    I get stuck in my head and allow my inner critic to completely tear apart my self-esteem until I hate myself too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep.

    The other day, while I was beating myself up over something I can’t even recall at the moment, I read a comment from one of my blog readers telling me that one of my posts literally got them through the night. Literally. And if that one simple word was used in the intended context, this person was basically telling me that one of my posts saved their life.

    I get comments like these on a pretty regular basis, and they always open my eyes to just how much I matter, regardless of my inner critic’s vehement objections.

    Such comments also open my eyes to all the things we beat ourselves up over that don’t matter—like whether or not we look like a Victoria’s Secret model in our bathing suit, or whether or not we should stop smiling if we’re not whitening our teeth, or whether or not the hole in our lucky shirt is worth bursting into tears over.

    Lately I’ve been trying harder to catch myself when I feel a non-serving, self-depreciating thought coming on. And I may let these thoughts slip at times, but that’s okay because I’m only human.

    While my self-love journey is ongoing, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m tempted to be mean to myself:

    1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.

    We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not.

    When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through.   

    2. Your mind can be a very convincing liar.

    I saw a quote once that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” That quote completely altered the way I react when a cruel or discouraging thought goes through my mind. Thoughts are just thoughts, and it’s unhealthy and exhausting to give so much power to the negative ones.     

    3. There is more right with you than wrong with you.

    This powerful reminder is inspired by one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.”

    As someone who sometimes tends to zoom in on all my perceived flaws, it helps to remember that there are lots of things I like about myself too—like the fact that I’m alive and breathing and able to pave new paths whenever I choose.

    4. You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least.

    This was a recent epiphany of mine, although I’m sure it’s been said many times before.

    I find that it is most difficult to accept love and understanding from others when I’m in a state of anger, shame, anxiety, or depression. But adopting the above truth really shifted my perspective and made me realize that love is actually the greatest gift I can receive during such times.  

    5. You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.”

    One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot feel fully satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are.

    Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying.

    6. Focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come rather than how far you have left to go.

    One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the hell-bent need to “get it right.” We strive for perfection and success, and when we fall short, we feel less than and worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that working toward our goals and being willing to put ourselves out there are accomplishments within themselves, regardless of how many times we fail.

    Instead of berating yourself for messing up and stumbling backward, give yourself a pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have.     

    7. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.

    Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or lovable.

    I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself—regardless of who you are and where you stand, and even if you know you want to change.

    You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.

  • Why We Don’t Do What We Want to Do and How to Start

    Why We Don’t Do What We Want to Do and How to Start

    “If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.” ~Unknown

    “The truth is,” she said, “if you can’t put fifteen minutes a day into your art, then you’re making an excuse.”

    I squirmed in my seat.

    It was February 1, 2011, and I was on the phone, interviewing Michele, a professional artist and artist’s mentor, for an online course I created.

    Michele was sharing what she tells the artists in her mentorship program who complain of not having enough time to do their art. Her words were intended for her mentees, but it felt like they were aimed directly at me.

    As an artist myself, I knew making art made me happy—made my whole day go better, in fact—and yet I was always too busy to do it. Was I just making an excuse?

    I didn’t want to admit this truth to myself, but when confronted with the starkness of Michele’s statement, I had nowhere to hide.

    I’d spent years believing I needed big chunks of time to make my art, but if fifteen minutes a day worked for Michele and the serious artists she mentored, maybe I was clinging to a false story, operating under a “self-installed glass ceiling” that was limiting my beliefs about what was possible.

    That day changed my life. Once I accepted that my mindset was the only thing really getting in the way of my “impossible dream” of a consistent, prolific art practice, I committed to trying this fifteen minutes a day idea, as an experiment, for one month.

    I admit I was skeptical that fifteen minutes would be enough to accomplish much, and I couldn’t imagine that such a short amount of time would even begin to satisfy my hungry inner artist. But waiting until I had big chunks of time to work in my studio had gotten me nowhere.

    For over a decade I’d lamented that I never had enough time to do my art. Surely, even fifteen minutes would be better than nothing.

    In fact, my fifteen minutes a day experiment resulted in my most prolific year ever. It stretched well beyond that original first month, and in 2011 I created more art than I had in the previous decade—over 150 finished pieces.

    But it didn’t just make a difference for my art life. This experiment had effects that rippled out into the rest of my life, too.

    When I finally made space in my day—even just a handful of minutes—to do something I loved but had somehow been resisting for years, I realized that my previous “inability” to find a way to make time for my art was, as Michele had said, just an excuse.

    However, I had clung to this excuse not because making art wasn’t important to me. To the contrary: it was precisely because it was so very important to me that I couldn’t seem to get myself to do it.

    Sometimes we make excuses to avoid unpleasant things, it’s true. But human psychology is complex. Perhaps just as often we make excuses because we want something so much it hurts.

    On the surface, this doesn’t make logical sense. Dig a little deeper, though, and things start to become clear.

    “If I do this thing that I really want,” we might think, “I might prove once and for all that I’ll never be any good at it.”

    Or, “If I try, I might fail.”

    Or, “If I step into this bigger identity for myself, I’ll have to let go of my comfy, old identity. People might expect more of me, or they may be threatened or disappointed.”

    And, ultimately, “If I do this, everything might change, and change is hard!”

    No wonder we resist! It feels so much safer not to try at all.

    There are infinite reasons why we make excuses not to do what’s important to us, and the more important something is to us, the more likely we’ll resist it.

    How to break the cycle? By looking resistance square in the face and taking responsibility for finding a way instead of finding another excuse. By acknowledging what is really important, and committing to making it a priority.

    When I finally took the big, scary step to put just a tiny bit of time toward my art every day, something shifted. I started to notice other ways I’d been avoiding things that were important to me.

    Suddenly, the “sensible” reasons I’d given myself for not going after other important goals shone forth as the excuses they really were, like ping pong balls under black light.

    As for my story that I didn’t have time to get to the gym or to go walking every day—I accepted that this was simply an excuse, changed the paradigm, and brought the gym to me: I set up a cheap treadmill in my studio, so I can walk while I work at my computer. It’s now a rare day that I don’t walk at least five miles, and ten or more is not unusual!

    And about my story that I am, and will always be, something of a slob—I accepted that this was just an excuse, too, and I’ve been clearing out clutter, getting rid of stuff little by little, slowly getting closer to the spacious, organized home and studio I really want.

    It won’t happen overnight, but my fifteen minutes a day commitment to my art showed me that baby steps, over time, will take you further than you ever imagined. 

    If something is important to you and you haven’t found a way, don’t give up! Don’t just accept that it’s not important to you if your gut tells you that it is, but do look at where you might be spinning stories, creating excuses for yourself.

    If you accept that your excuses may be the only thing between you and your dreams, you may be surprised at what you can change in your life.

  • How to Be Hurt Less by So-Called Evil People

    How to Be Hurt Less by So-Called Evil People

    Protected by Light

    “Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

    There were monsters in my closet—or so my five-year-old self believed. As soon as my mother kissed me goodnight and flipped the lights off, they would appear.

    See, in my room, the sliding closet doors were kept open, and on the top three shelves, monsters would magically appear in the darkness. Their wide mouths closely resembled folded towels and their eyes looked like the buttons of my sweaters, but I was too scared to notice.

    I could only see evil creatures staring at me, and after a few minutes of terrorizing myself, I would run out of my room and jump in my parents’ bed. Then, one night, I closed the closet doors and the monsters went away.

    Years later, another monster would haunt me in the middle of the night.

    This monster had a name, and one of those facial expressions that made her look as she was perpetually frowning. This monster had had an affair with my husband, and had repeatedly attempted to thwart all of my efforts to forgive and to save my marriage.

    “That woman is evil,” friends of mine who knew her would say. “She’s plain evil.”

    I believed she was evil, and when she assumed the role of a monster in my head, anger and fear settled themselves comfortably in my heart.

    As I did when I was little, I tried to close the doors of my awareness to send this new monster away. When a thought about what had happened came to me, I would push it out of my mind, but the thought would eventually return with renewed intensity.

    Then, one day, as life as I knew it crumbled before my eyes, I started to awaken. I knew that unless I let go of the fear and anger, I wouldn’t be able to move forward into love and happiness. I loved myself too much to remain stuck in this dark place.

    Messages about oneness and compassion seemed to come to me from books, podcasts, live lectures, the Internet, and people I met. Life was calling me back.

    I understood that I had the power to free myself from this “monster” and from all the “evil” people that might try to come into my life. I’d like to share what I learned with you. 

    “Evilness” is a judgment.

    When you label people as “evil” or as “bad,” you block your ability to see that they come from the same source that created you. Removing judgment allows you to extend compassion not only to them, but also to yourself. Through compassion, you can heal.

    You can choose not to give power to so-called evil people.

    You might have given the evildoers starring roles in your life drama, but to them, you might just be someone who got in their way. They pursued their goal without considering the damage caused by their actions.

    They probably rationalized what they did in a way that made them feel they weren’t doing anything wrong, or that they had no option but to do what they did.

    By realizing this, taking the actions of others less personally, and changing your thoughts about these actions, you can choose not to give your power away to other people. You can lessen the negative impact that hurtful actions have on your emotional state.

    “Bad” people can become your greatest teachers.

    My adult-life “monster” taught me to deal with adversity like no one else. Whoever has come into your life has done so for a reason. Ask yourself what lesson you can learn from the negative behavior of other people.

    It’s okay to reject “evil.”

    Once the worst of my situation was over, I learned I had the choice to simply not let myself be bothered by what anyone had done to me.

    When people were verbally attacking him in public, Buddha responded, “If you have a gift to give a friend, but the friend refuses to accept the gift, who then does the gift belong to?”

    Limit your time with those who tend to bring negativity into your life and choose not to place your attention on the detrimental actions of others.

    “Evil” dissolves when you bring light into it.

    If I had just turned on the light in my room when I was little, the monsters in my closet would’ve disappeared.

    Usually, when others attack you, they are subconsciously seeking to bring up negative emotions in you. Their pain needs to feed on your pain to continue existing. If you decide to not give in to the negative emotions, they’ll have less incentive to attack. Light nullifies darkness.

    Bring the light of your love and kindness to everyone around you, and watch the “bad” people in your life retreat or even change their actions.

    “Evil” people don’t know better.

    People who hurt you act out of ignorance. They justify their harmful behavior by thinking they are doing what they need to do given the circumstances in their lives.

    Also, people who harm others are usually in dreadful emotional states. They are under such pain that all they have to give to others is pain. Realizing this truth will help you advance on the road to compassion and forgiveness.

    There are no evil people.

    However, the world is filled with people thinking evil thoughts. If you become prey to anger and hatred, you’ll join the ranks.

    Send love to everyone around you, including those who’ve hurt you. Love will open the door for goodness to come into your life, and will close the door to those evil monsters in the closet who are people just like you and me, doing what they think is best at a certain moment in their lives.

    Photo by Jenny Poole

  • What We Need to Do Before We Can Have Happy, Loving Relationships

    What We Need to Do Before We Can Have Happy, Loving Relationships

    “Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live.” ~Unknown

    Ever since I was a young girl, relationships have fascinated me, particularly romantic ones. I had beautiful fantasies of my perfect partner appearing and completing me. We would fall in love and live happily ever after.

    As a child, I believed that being in a romantic relationship, and especially being married, meant lasting happiness. All the love and joy I would ever want or need would be mine when “the one” arrived. Daydreams of my soul mate filled my tween brain.

    This fairy tale view of relationships didn’t disappear when I came of age, but followed me into adulthood when I married a man that I knew in my gut simply wasn’t right for me.

    At first, it was exciting to be someone’s wife and to have a husband, but my high expectations quickly created tremendous disappointment for me. We both demanded that the other change, and the relationship quickly became one filled with resentment and contempt.

    After struggling to “work on” our relationship and seeing no improvement, we separated and eventually divorced. I was devastated and bitterly blamed him.

    He was the “bad guy” and I was the innocent victim. I lacked the awareness necessary to examine my own actions and learned nothing, except to fear entering into another relationship.

    The only thing that I knew for sure was that I never wanted to go through such a painful experience again.

    I had no idea that I had any power at all. I felt like I was at the effect of what others said and did, and I was so easily wounded. The world of men and relationships felt very scary and I was apprehensive when I re-entered the dating world.

    In what I now understand was an attempt to protect myself, I made terrible judgments and generalizations about relationships and men.

    My reality reflected these fearful thoughts, and in the year following my divorce I dated men who were perfect examples of the stereotypes I adopted. Even though I had left my marriage, nothing had truly changed and, in fact, through my own fear had grown worse.

    In spite of this, having a relationship with a man still remained a strong desire. I certainly didn’t want to repeat the past and I refused to settle for just any romantic relationship. With absolute resolve, I vowed that I would have a healthy, happy, close, and loving relationship.

    This became my intention, and I became passionately committed to learning and doing whatever I could to get me there.

    For over a year I studied the ways in which romantic relationships worked and how they could be close and loving, but was discouraged and frustrated by most of what I read. It seemed that most of what I learned required the effort of both partners.

    While I understood that a happy, healthy relationship takes two people, I knew I had to first work on myself.

    My question became: “What can I, and I alone, do to create a close, happy, and loving relationship?”

    As I studied over the next few months with this new distinction, I noticed something unexpected and wonderful unfolding.

    I had shifted from how to find the right man and get him to give me love and make me happy, to learning who I had to become in order to create and maintain a close, loving relationship.

    This was a brand new way of looking at things and a brand new way of being that was incredibly exciting for me.

    For the next two years, I learned as much as I could and put into practice everything I was learning. It yielded radically different results than I had ever gotten before. All of my relationships greatly improved, including, and especially, my relationship with myself.

    My relationship with myself had always been love/hate. Now, as I became more and more aware that I truly am empowered to create loving relationships as well as a wonderful life, I began to see myself and others in a new light.

    My new understanding of myself and others became: We are all infinitely and eternally beautiful souls, intrinsically worthy of love.

    Each one of us are intrinsically worthy of love, not because we are entitled to other people giving it to us, but because we are love. We are all whole and need nothing outside of ourselves to complete us. These words weren’t new to me, but for the first time I understood and felt the truth of them.

    For so long I had been trying to force others to give me love, manipulating them, making demands, giving with an expectation of receiving in return (also known as barter), and it only led to frustration and resentment.

    It struck me all at once that everything I had learned over the course of three years was truly about giving love joyfully from a place of being love. Wholeness was the name of that game.

    I was no longer concerned with trying to find the perfect man, fix relationship problems, or change anyone else.

    Although I’m not perfect and never will be, I’ve had increasing moments of awareness and clarity when I was able to keep the focus completely on my self. Not focused on my “needs” and how I can get those met by others, but what I could do to become more whole and full of love so that I’m more focused on giving than taking.

    Interestingly, my original intention in studying relationships was only to improve my own chances of having a good, lasting relationship with a man. It was my hope that I would learn some tricks to get a good man interested and then to get him remain attracted enough to me to shower me with gifts, affection, attention, and praise.

    What I have learned and continue to learn is infinitely better.

    What I’ve learned is how to use the resources that lie within me, that lie within each of us, to be the kind of partner that naturally has a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship with her mate without always “working on it.”

    As most of us can attest, this kind of struggle never works long term. I learned to grow through my experiences in my relationships, become more loving and more whole, and give from a place of joy, which effortlessly creates a close, loving, happy, healthy relationship.

    This journey to “love enlightenment” has been amazing so far, with many ups and downs, as I’m sure it will continue to be.

    The wisdom I have gained has been invaluable for creating positive change not only within myself and in my relationships, but in my entire life. I have learned to be a better partner for my partner, for myself, for everyone I know and meet, and for the world at large.

    The goal is not to reach some destination, but to understand more about what it means to be whole. Perfection isn’t possible, but perhaps your intention could be to become more aware of what you are giving and being, and let it be love more and more of the time.

    In short, through your relationships with others grow more into the truth of who you are at the core of your being: you are love.

  • Accepting Uncertainty: We Can Be Happy Without All the Answers

    Accepting Uncertainty: We Can Be Happy Without All the Answers

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    I’ve recently begun to feel as though I am at a crossroads in my career and, as a result, have been feeling very uncomfortable.

    I love what I do, working with clients and mentoring new therapists; however, I’m also a mom to two little ones and am feeling the ache of the impermanence of their childhood. This has left me wanting to spend more time at home with them and, therefore, possibly working less.

    If you would have asked me when I was twenty-five years old, I knew with absolute certainty that I would never want to be a stay-at-home mom.

    In fact, most of my life has been colored by a laser-sharp determination and an absolute knowing of what my next step was going to be. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and a lot of a control freak!

    Today, I’m sitting in a much different place; today, I’m sitting in uncertainty. I don’t know what the next step will be for me.

    There are so many unknowns at this point: do I want to work or do I want to stay home, what other options do I have, where can my practice grow from here, where can I grow from here, and so on. My automatic response to this uncertainty is to obsess endlessly until I figure it out.

    However, what I’ve come to realize is that all of my ideas of “knowing” actually block me from the truth more than they reveal it.

    Uncertainty makes us feel vulnerable and so we try and escape it any way that we can.

    We convince ourselves that we are fortune tellers and can therefore see the future. We make ourselves crazy, spinning our minds through the same handful of scenarios we come up with, over and over again, never feeling any closer to some sort of resolution.

    However, it seems a great paradox of life that it is actually through embracing the uncertainty that we thrive. Our lives are greatly determined by what we do when we get uncertain.

    Without uncertainty, we might never grow because we would never be pushed beyond our comfort zones.

    Many of us have experienced staying in a soul-sucking job or an unhealthy relationship because the uncertainty of leaving those situations created more anxiety than the certainty of staying in those unhappy situations.

    Many people do not end up following their true passions because it is seemingly impractical, or because there is a large degree of perceived uncertainty associated with following that path.

    There are no guarantees when we step into the unknown. But it is in these periods of discomfort that life’s most important adventures can arise.

    Making peace with uncertainty requires courage, faith, and trust that you will in fact be taken care of, that no matter what happens, you’ll find a way through it, that you don’t have to have all of the answers today.

    Contrary to popular ideas, not knowing exactly what will happen next in our lives is okay. In fact, it is actually liberating.

    The ability to let go, not know, and not try to totally control what will happen next is a necessary skill for living happy, joyous, and free.

    Most spiritual practices ask us to consider the possibility that there is a power greater than ourselves at work and, therefore, it is okay to let go of the reins sometimes.

    I have found it easier to let go in many circumstances when I’m able to recognize that I’m not the only force at play, that there are circumstances far beyond my control that are impacting life and what the future holds.

    If we fixate on “solving” problems, we tend to get tunnel-visioned and we walk around with blinders on, failing to see the possibilities.

    We can’t embrace a new uncertain future when we are fully attached to our old lives or an idea of how we think something should be.

    I have found that when I am in that anxious, fearful state, where I’m trying figure it all out on my own, that noise in my head that is trying to control everything will often drown out my intuition.

    When we accept that things are unknown, that we don’t have all of the answers, we can see that teachings are always available if we are paying attention. When we trust, let go, and embrace the uncertainty, that noise in our own minds subsides.

    Ironically, the quietness created by letting go of the need to know then allows contact with our own intuition, and we actually get clearer direction from within our own hearts and we can feel more certain about this direction.   

    I’ve heard it said that the furthest distance in the universe is from the head to the heart, but it is in stillness that we find this path. It is in the quiet space that we can get out of our heads and connect more deeply with ourselves, thereby allowing ourselves to be open to the possibilities when they arrive.

    I have found meditation to be an incredibly useful tool to facilitate this connection. Carving out time in my day specifically for getting quiet and getting still has allowed me to find some peace with the fact that, for today, I don’t have all the answers of what’s going to happen next.

    I’m able to set mindful intentions for myself to remain present and aware throughout my day, within the context that I am proceeding onto a new path in my life. With fearful dialogue in my head quieted, this skill is enhanced and I am open to new possibilities.

    I will continue learning to listen to my heart, which let’s me know that I am okay even though I don’t have all of the answers.

    And you are too.

  • 6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

    6 Tips to Help You Free Yourself from Your Fearful Thoughts

    Freedom

    “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Here I am, huddled up close to the wood burner, my only source of heat, sitting on an old recliner chair that was given to me, in a rented apartment with windows soaked with condensation. Outside it is cold, wet, and dreary, a typical English winter’s day.

    My business folded in July with substantial personal debt and I turned forty-four in August.

    Perhaps not the most heart-warming start to a post, but rather some raw facts of how my life is now, not x number of years ago before I turned my life around, but now! I’m pretty sure I am not alone in this situation I find myself.

    In July when I folded my never very successful business resulting in substantial personal debt, the first thing I did was completely freak out—panic attacks, endless anxiety, depressive thoughts, the whole nine yards.

    I went to my doctor who gave me anti-anxiety medication without a second thought. I tried them for a couple of months, but I had been down that route before and this time I felt that it was not the solution to my problems. So after consulting with the doc I carefully weaned myself off of them.

    What I needed was answers as to what was causing me so much pain inside rather than a Band-Aid to cover it. I needed to find out why I seemed to have spent my entire life under a shadow, a shadow from which I never felt comfortable emerging to engage fully with the world for fear of being seen.

    Enter Tiny Buddha. I found Tiny Buddha by chance while endlessly searching for answers as to what was broken in me. What I discovered after reading hundreds of posts was a revelation: I am not broken.

    After digging deeper, I began to realize that I was locked in a trance most of the time, a trance created by my egoic mind. A trance shaped by fear during my formative years. My psyche was trying to protect me from the fear and lack of safety I felt when growing up; it was trying to keep me safe.

    My childhood interpretation of the events I experienced, combined with non-compassionate and non-understanding authority figures, led my psyche to decide that the best way to deal with life was to retreat to a place of safety and hide, to not get involved or be exposed in any way.

    It met any situation or event that it interpreted as fearful with vigorous resistance.

    As most things in life contain some element of fear and anticipation, especially new things, my egoic mind trance was active most of the time, constantly in the background, ready to come to my rescue at the slightest whiff of perceived danger.

    The irony is that my mind’s way of “rescuing” me was to paralyze me with feelings of dread, worry, and anxiety, coupled with the physical feelings associated with panic. 

    It’s not easy when your egoic mind has spent the greater part of your life trying to convince you that it is the only place where you are safe.

    Over the years the egoic mind has plenty of time to really go to town building a devilishly intricate trance machine that becomes deeply entrenched in the psyche. Mine was so entrenched that I thought it was me. Until recently, that is.

    What I am learning from reading many posts on Tiny Buddha, which led me to books, podcasts, and other resources on the subject of the being, is this:

    1. We need to realize that we truly are not our thoughts.

    Our thoughts come from the egoic mind. We are the awareness that hears the thoughts.

    When you talk to yourself inside your mind, to whom are you actually talking? It is your awareness, and that is who you are, that is your being. Not the thoughts.

    Your thoughts are just constructs of your egoic mind. You can actually choose to let them float on by without believing or engaging them, should you choose to.

    2. Understand it is not your fault that your mind is causing you such pain; it’s a product of evolution.

    Back in the days of caves and things with sharp pointy teeth, you were more likely to survive if you were ever vigilant of danger—meaning the genes that favored this behavior were more likely to get passed down… to you.

    The egoic mind thinks it is helping you by keeping you safe and trapped inside a trance. It is not its fault, and you have to face your trance thoughts with compassion and love, and be able to forgive yourself. It really isn’t your fault.

    3. Use meditation and mindfulness throughout the day; learn to see the space between the real you—which is awareness—and the egoic mind, as its thoughts race by.

    Observe thoughts for what they are: just thoughts. Try not to allow yourself to become absorbed in your thoughts and go into trance, but do not punish yourself if you do.

    Be kind and compassionate to yourself when you recognize you have drifted away and start fresh in the moment, returning to a state of mindful awareness whenever you can.

    4. Identify the trance thoughts and emotions as they arise and name them.

    For example, “Oh, this is fear I am feeling, just fear,” or “I feel you dread and worry; it’s okay,” or “Hello shame and unworthiness; I see you.”

    This technique of compassionate recognition will reduce the power they have over you, as you have exposed them for what they really are: just thoughts.

    5. Remember that it takes perseverance and practice, lots of it.

    Another fun thing we inherited from our ancestors is that the fear of something can become embedded in our long-term memory even after a single, brief exposure to it. Conversely, it takes much longer and repeated exposure to positive stimuli before they are committed to long-term memory.

    6. Each time you notice yourself in a state of negativity, use it as an opportunity to practice, to mindfully observe your thoughts with acceptance and compassion.

    This will allow them to flow through and out of you rather than be kept inside to be constantly recycled.

    Do not beat yourself up if you find it difficult to let go of thinking. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. It took you more than a few days to learn to read and write. It will take a little time for you to calm your egoic mind and let your awareness shine through.

    This is the path I have begun to walk. I’ve begun to let go of expectations about others and myself; to learn to be compassionate and to love myself; to accept who I am, and where I am in this moment; to try not to judge others or myself. To know that in this moment everything is okay.

    And now that my cat is lying on my lap, I guess that means it is time to finish this. Life is all about these moments.

    Photo by D.Ph

  • Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations

    Dealing with Disappointing Relationships: Change Your Expectations

    Disappointed

    “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes it feels as if you are completely in control of your life, but when it comes to relationships there’s always the other person.

    In a relationship, you can’t be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person.

    How often have you wanted a relationship to be something that it was not?

    How many times have you said a certain word or phrase in order to spark a specific reaction?

    How much do you expect from this person? Do they fail you each and every time?

    In healthy relationships there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used.

    We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way.

    With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view.

    I call my father a sperm donor. He gave me life but never showed up in my life.

    My friends at school never knew I had a father because they never saw him. He missed all of the concerts and sports games. For the majority of my life, we didn’t talk. He didn’t acknowledge me—no birthday calls. I had no idea where my dad lived. Some days I was not sure he was still alive.

    In high school, my dad limped back into my life. I could stop by his apartment and visit him when I wanted to. If I called him, he would pick up the phone. Things were changing between us.

    Blindingly bright, his true colors revealed themselves the night before my high school graduation when I called to make sure he was coming. He said he couldn’t attend because he had to drive a friend to the airport. Cabs exist. His friend could have used one. I was angry, sad, and most of all, hurt.

    Rejection from my father has been the hardest thing for me to accept. It is not easy to grasp the idea that someone who once loved me, adored me, gave life to me could turn his back and walk away so easily.

    I could no longer take the feelings of disappointment.

    These feelings were a direct result of what I was expecting from him:

    • Assuming he would respond to things as I would.
    • Assuming he would care like I do.
    • Assuming he thinks in a similar way as I do.

    I was living in a fantasyland of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions.

    I was hurting myself most.

    For the protection of my emotional body, I changed my perception from what I hoped would happen to being open to experience whatever actually happens.

    This shift didn’t occur immediately, but by following the five steps listed below I was able to come to peace with the type of relationship I have with my father.

    1. Be aware of reality.

    Acknowledge the other person’s behaviors. Look at patterns and how they regularly treat you. Remember the feelings you had in the past. Don’t be fooled into believing things are different from how they are.

    2. Stop manipulating situations.

    Many times we yearn for specific responses, like validation and approval. When we do not receive what we want, we may speak or behave in certain ways to try to elicit the desired reaction.

    This type of behavior leaves us feeling empty when the other person does not react the way we hope they would. Remember, you cannot change anyone; it is up to them to change.

    3. Let go.

    Throw expectations and assumptions out the door. Release the hopes, wishes, and dreams that things will change by detaching from the ideas.

    Get out of the fantasy world by not hooking into the thoughts of what could be. Keep your mind from running into the future. Remain open to all possibilities by staying in the present moment.

    4. Focus on those who love you.

    It will be easier to follow the third step if you remind yourself of those who are there for you. They continue to be there because they care about you. Focus on people who make you feel loved, connected, cared for, and worthy. Reach out to them and reconnect.

    5. Learn to love yourself.

    Provide yourself with what you are yearning for (compliments, compassion, or encouragement). Only you know what you truly need.

    Realize each moment you are being the best you at that time. Build self-confidence and strive to eliminate any doubts you have about yourself. When you feel shaky or alone, look in your eyes in the mirror and say, “I love you.” Nurture yourself. Feel the love you have inside of yourself.

    Let go of your expectations of people and see how your relationships change. And if you don’t feel differently about it or if it’s not benefiting you, you can always walk away. Your emotional state matters most. You cannot control other people, but you can make yourself happy.

    Photo by Don

  • 3 Lessons from Traveling That Lead to Everyday Happiness

    3 Lessons from Traveling That Lead to Everyday Happiness

    Ehren Prudhel in China

    “Remember that happiness is a way of travel—not a destination.” ~Roy M. Goodman

    After graduating from college I took off to explore Europe for four months with one of my best friends.

    We backpacked through fourteen different countries and learned things about the world and ourselves that we never expected. We often joked that we learned more about life and ourselves traveling abroad for four months than we did going to school for four years in college.

    When you’re traveling, you get a whole new perspective on what really matters, and you feel this sense of adventure and excitement that reminds you just how many possibilities you have in life.

    Still infected with the travel bug, I decided last year to spend six weeks with a good friend in China. In the land of Buddhas, bikes, and chopsticks, I remembered three important lessons that have helped me find happiness and fulfillment in everyday life. (more…)

  • 50 Ways to Find Creative Inspiration

    50 Ways to Find Creative Inspiration

    “If we look at the world with a love of life, the world will reveal its beauty to us.” ~Daisaku Ikeda

    I have always loved that scene in American Beauty when Ricky Fitts shows his video of a plastic bag blowing in the wind.

    He’s the complete opposite of his neighbor Lester Burnham, who seems to have decided long ago to live life in a comatose state of submission, completely disconnected from authentic joy.

    Ricky seems inspired by everything that most people simply overlook. He explains of his bag video:

    “It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing and there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes.

    “And that’s the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and… this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video’s a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember—and I need to remember. Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

    Though it can look different for all of us, I suspect this is the feeling we wait for in life: a sense that there’s boundless beauty out there, and we have the capacity to feel, channel, explore, and express it.

    We all want to feel moved, and then to use that to create love, joy, passion, and purpose.

    If you’ve been feeling stuck or uninspired, these ideas may help you find inspiration. (more…)

  • When Trying to Be Positive Brings You Down

    When Trying to Be Positive Brings You Down

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    How many of us have caught ourselves feeling as though we’re imposters when we’re trying to talk about a difficult situation in a positive light? We’re often fed the idea that how we feel is in how we decide to see life, which, I agree with; however, sometimes I think that idea gets taken to a deceptive extreme.

    In the midst of one of my mini-meltdowns the other day, I called my friend and told her what had been going on in my head the last few months.

    “It’s sounds as though you have some shame issues with your experience. It’s okay to admit that you’re disappointed and angry. You need to allow yourself to accept it. It’s the first step in healing…” my friend asserted as I was invalidating myself while I attempted to explain how I felt about the last year of my life.

    “What a relief,” I thought to myself as she went back and validated every one of my thoughts and feelings.

    Have you ever known something in the back of your mind, but you needed someone else to bring it to the front?

    Any time I talked about my experience, I would always do my best to portray it in the best light possible. We’re supposed to be optimistic about how we see life and our experiences, right? The problem was that I was doing it at the cost of compromising the authenticity of my story.

    I moved halfway across the nation, leaving behind my well paying (but miserable) job, friends, and family in search of finding work that filled instead of drained me. I accepted a one-year position as an intern counselor at a residential boarding school, working with adolescents coming from particularly challenging backgrounds.

    I loved working with the students and learned invaluable lessons from them and their stories.

    I hated constantly feeling as though I wasn’t (good) enough.

    I poured everything I had into that year, and admittedly, there were definitely times I failed because I struggled to find the support I needed while carrying the weight of a massive life upheaval, trying to be “present” for my friends and family back home, and balancing helping to guide the students through their issues while trying to not retrigger my own.

    Additionally, I couldn’t meet all the expectations coming from so many different people and places, so I did the best I could but it didn’t cover everything.

    Though I would tell a friend that is all you can do and that is good enough, like so many others, I am my own worst enemy and consistently felt like a failure.

    I returned to my home state feeling defeated not only regarding my performance at the school, but about returning without having found what I set out looking for.

    I felt even more clueless and lost than before I left, and it was embarrassing. Who leaves everything behind looking for something, and then returns without it?

    My friend continued to gently remind me that not everything is within my control when I’d protest saying things like, “but isn’t how we see life all about our perceptions? Aren’t we supposed to be able to go out and fix things if they aren’t filling our needs or change how we look at them?”

    “So, it wasn’t what you were hoping it would be. That’s not your fault. You need to admit and accept that you feel the way you do, and it’s okay. Trying to cover up what’s really going on might be what’s holding you back from moving forward.”  

    Oh. Right.

    When she said that it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. It’s okay to say that there were some flaws with the program that had nothing to do with me. It’s okay that the experience wasn’t perfect. It’s okay that I wasn’t perfect.

    I was trying so hard to always put a positive spin on my story that I wasn’t really telling my story anymore, and that subtle lie was corroding my own sense of self-worth.

    All that said, I do believe in doing our best to “look at the bright side,” so to speak, but not before we can honestly assess our experience and accept how we really feel.

    It’s only when we can be truly honest with ourselves about how we feel that we will be able to find the positive lesson, heal, and move on.

  • The Difference Between Setting Boundaries and Shutting People Out

    The Difference Between Setting Boundaries and Shutting People Out

    Fence

    “The most important distinction anyone can ever make in their life is between who they are as an individual and their connection with others.” ~Anne Linden

    After growing up in a household with extremely loose emotional boundaries, I soon learned the importance of establishing my own personal boundaries as quickly and clearly as possible. And, in recent years, I have even managed to become more eloquent about when and how to set them.

    I grew up in a home with my grandmother, mother, and older sister. Grandmother was an immigrant from Hungary who came to America right after WWI. Her husband also came from Hungary a few years later, opened his own butcher shop in New Jersey and died right before the wedding of their only child, my mother.

    My grandmother moved into my mother’s newly established household right away. Although she contributed to expenses, and eventually childcare, she had a very strong personality and tended to dominate the emotional climate of the household, sometimes with a mere look or a snide word. 

    Because of this, my mother felt habitual anxiety and quiet judgment, while my father eventually left.

    Throughout her failing marriage, my mother made the best decisions she could for her family, in the midst of my grandmother’s steadily voiced opinions, while my sister and I acted as the emotional sponges of the household, as all children do.

    And as the younger sister, I had three strong, female personalities trying to temper uncertainty with an attempt to control whatever and whoever they could, resulting in an invasiveness that seemed to soak into my skin.

    Nevertheless, I established an underlying anxiety with a quietly strong and outwardly mellow personality.

    But whenever I became slightly aware that a person around me crossed into my zone of emotional intrusiveness, I would institute a quick and firm boundary, be it a mean word or complete disregard, often at the expense of kindness. 

    At times this seemed necessary and effective, and other times, the solid and immediate boundary was slightly aggressive, mostly pointless, and my anxiety turned inward to anger anyway.

    More often than not, the person I was dealing with had made a simple error in judgment, or I perceived the situation incorrectly.

    Nevertheless, I continued on this path until my mid-thirties when I was introduced to Buddhism and the idea that empathy, kindness, and the credence of fundamental goodness were paramount to living an authentic life.

    Although I thought my quick reactions and unyielding boundary setting for myself were based in genuineness, I was wrong.

    Rigid boundaries were my way of trying to swiftly rid myself of uncomfortable feelings, like anger and fear, often before I had all of the information, and never in a way that evoked compassion.

    As it turned out, I was unequivocally avoiding the present moment and trying to make it less prickly, while I focused on asserting my great, big self. It turned out to be mostly about me, not much about reality, and nothing about kindness.

    Overall, I believe that being assertive is a useful personality trait. But, when unnecessary assertion of self became my go-to reaction in daily situations, it began to feel somewhat silly and clearly was not the person I intended to be.

    Asserting yourself when all that is required is kindness and compassion is not assertiveness at all;  it is selfishness.

    Today, my initial motto in most situations that bring me discomfort is, “Do no thing.” This is not the same as passivity, because it is followed up for four additional habits that allow my values of kindness and compassion to be more in line with my actions and reactions.

    1. Do no thing.

    I was a witness to 9/11. When I saw the buildings go down and looked up at the Empire State Building from my office window, I knew that structure was the next likely target and an immediate, quick decision needed to be made.

    The directors at my office told us to “stay put” in the building, because they believed it was even more dangerous on the street.

    So we sat for the next two hours, and no other planes crashed into the city. In that moment of clear and present danger, the best thing that could be done was nothing and to just reside in the moment as it unfolded.

    I have rarely been in personal situations that needed to be handled immediately. Nevertheless, more often than not, I did handle every social exchange immediately, just to avoid the anxiety of not taking care of that situation.

    I spoke from an impulsive reaction and acted in a similar way. Many times, this resulted in regretful words or behaviors as well as hurt feelings. If only I had done nothing, waited to react, then decided to respond when the words and the time were right, I might have felt more authentic and better more often.

    2.  Self-ish may be too selfish.

    When our only concern is the skin on our backs, we neglect to see the vast picture, including those around us and the earth. In fact, we only see a very minute part of the picture, our own selves.

    When we respond to a situation as a whole, we are not sacrificing ourselves; in fact we are becoming our authentic self and surrendering to the whole of the circumstances, which is closer to the truth.

    3. Clarity can be gentle.

    Most reactions happen with only part of the information. One helpful way to gauge when and how to set a boundary, and avoid shutting the world out, is to ask further questions such as, “Did you mean to say that in this way?” or, “Do you intend to give this inconsiderate message?”

    When the answer is “no,” then you and the other person can communicate and find the real message, a common ground and hopefully mutual, social fulfillment.

    4. Humility goes a long way.

    When we feel sad, bad, or scared, we often blame the behavior of someone else and establish our emotional boundaries around that censure. But most times, this seemingly thoughtless or intrusive person is rarely intending to hurt us, and simply doing the best they can with what they have in their own social climate.

    In fact, whatever anyone else does or says usually has very little to do with us.

    We sometimes believe we are the center of the universe, the star actor in our own dramatic movie. We worry about what others think of us, how others treat us, and what we are getting from each situation.  Actually, we are just one of a few billion ordinary people who all want the same things like love, attention, and happiness.

    When we set boundaries with the realization that we make mistakes too, being kind is much easier. We hear it all the time: “No one is perfect.” Well, this includes us, and when we remember that, the behavior of others becomes less poignant to our ego, and we can act out of compassion rather than anger.

    5. “I’m sorry” is a perfectly perfect last resort.

    I use this one, and I use it often. I make mistakes in my interpersonal interactions and inevitably cross the emotional boundaries of others. Sometimes this happens to me daily.

    Mostly, the best I can do when I have crossed a boundary by saying an unkind word, disregarding the feelings of another, or snipping at my husband is to simply say, “I’m sorry,” and move on.

    When we finally realize that everyone is constantly just doing their best to live among other people, we have fewer resentments, less moments of anger, and can then have the emotional space to generate compassion instead of resentment.

    Photo by Bob Jagendorf

  • Following Your Internal Compass and Making Your Own Decisions

    Following Your Internal Compass and Making Your Own Decisions

    “Believe nothing no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.” ~Buddha

    Dad, who at the time was a fighter pilot in the United States Marine Corps, taught me how to navigate using a compass. The family was on a vacation in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. I was nine.

    He got me up that morning before dawn. Mom made us a huge breakfast. I was so excited because I knew that day, I would climb my first mountain.

    No, it wasn’t Mount Everest or even a huge mountain in Colorado, but for a kid who had spent most of his life in the flat lands of the eastern seaboard, the small mountain within eye-shot of the cabin was a monument of great proportions. I was pumped (even though that phrase didn’t exist in the sixties).

    Once outside the cabin and on our way, Dad stopped for a moment. He looked down at me from above and handed me his engineering compass, which he had used during his Survival School Training. It was like being handed a bar of gold because before that day I was not allowed to touch it.

    “Son, we are going to climb to the top of that mountain and you are going to get us there using this compass,” spoke Dad with a seriousness not to be ignored.

    “But Dad…I don’t know how,” whined I to a smiling father.

    Other than the fact that we made the climb safely, including an encounter with a black bear, I remember few things about that day, and I wish Dad was still alive so that I could refresh my cloudy mind. What I do know is this: I never feel lost, even to this day.

    Sure, from time to time in life I feel confused about where I am or where I am going, but I never feel like I will not get where I am supposed to go. 

    With a compass—any compass—one can always pause for a moment in time and figure out where you are so that you can continue. All of us must change course from time to time because what is surrounding us is constantly changing.

    To not flow with change will only invite disaster. Sure, you may not notice a difference at first, but if you fight that which does not wish to be fought, you will suffer in the end.

    “What the heck are you talking about, dude?” you ask.

    Beyond the obvious, what Dad was teaching me at the time did not take on meaning for many years. On the surface, knowing how to navigate with a compass at sea or on land will only come in handy if you are in a situation where most people would declare, “I am lost and my GPS is out of battery power.”

    Beneath the obvious is an enormous lesson about independence and the ability to travel along one’s own path of life—a path which will never be a straight line, a path with many bends, hills, valleys, oceans of fog, storms, and dark forests. 

    The cool thing is this: you have a compass within your being. All of us do. Call it whatever you wish; this is your choice as a human. I have chosen and I call it my inner voice.

    “Again, Frucci…huh?  Please bring this home.” 

    Become immune to other people’s judgment. Their thoughts of you do not matter—this is truth. In fact, some will say that everyone is afraid of you, which is why they will lash out with negativity first.

    Your internal compass is truth. The physical compass my father handed me that day when I was nine was truth.

    The directions of a compass cannot be denied, and when you have faith that what direction you take based on what you see on the compass face is the correct one, you will arrive at the destination you are working toward. Even if you have to change course from time to time in order to go around an obstruction. 

    Your internal compass is the same, but you must listen to that voice and you must have faith in what you already have—an internal guidance system.

    “How do you know this to be true?”

    I cannot prove it anymore than anyone can prove the existence of anything unseen beyond a shadow of doubt. Only the individual can do that. I only know what I know, and what I know is this…

    When I was in high school, my guidance counselor advised me to not apply to a certain university because I was a “C” student, and the only ones who were allowed to go there were much smarter than me.

    He said with the smile of one who professes supreme knowledge, “Don’t waste your time and your money applying there because you will not get accepted.”

    I heard his words, thought about them, and decided that I was not going to allow another person to dictate my future. My parents drove me to the campus of Carnegie Mellon University for a portfolio showing/interview with the Head of the Department of Architecture.

    I took an exam and a few months later they accepted me, and not the straight “A” valedictorian of my high school class.

    After graduating with honors in 1984 I went on to get my architecture license, working as an architect for over twenty years. The guidance counselor was flat out wrong. 

    How many people listen to the words of others who profess supreme knowledge? How many fellow humans allow their hopes and dreams to be squelched by people who do not know what is inside of them?

    My internal compass was screaming at me from within—and I listened.

    Choice. Yours is speaking to you now as you read these words. Sure, there have been times when I caved and listened to others—many times. And I can think of the disasters that followed from not listening to my voice. 

    Quiet your mind now for a moment and listen. What do you hear?

    Remaining in the present moment, which flows with time, knowing the moment is not static, this is how one is able to hear clearly the voice within. What is your greatest challenge? Do something about it beginning now.

    Of course we all can take the advice and counsel of others. I will always listen to the words of ones whom I respect. But the final say, the composite of all the words spoken, will be finally judged by that which is inside of me and on the terms of my personal compass.

    Only you know you completely. No other human will ever come close. So why would you ever let another human decide anything for you?

    It was my personal compass that guided me—the same compass that I still reference in the present moment of time, which flows, the same compass that will always guide me home.