Tiny Buddha

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  • How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It

    How to Deal with Criticism Well: 25 Reasons to Embrace It

    “Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” ~Aristotle

    At the end of the day, when I feel completely exhausted, it often has nothing to do with all the things I’ve done.

    It’s not a consequence of juggling multiple responsibilities and projects. It’s not my body’s way of punishing me for becoming a late-life jogger after a period of laziness. It’s not even about getting too little sleep.

    When I’m exhausted, you can be sure I’ve bent over backward trying to win everyone’s approval. I’ve obsessed over what people think of me, I’ve assigned speculative and usually inaccurate meanings to feedback I’ve received, and I’ve lost myself in negative thoughts about criticism and its merit.

    I work at minimizing this type of behavior, and I’ve had success for the most part, but admittedly, it’s not easy. (more…)

  • Doing What’s Best for Us Even If Other People Don’t Like It

    Doing What’s Best for Us Even If Other People Don’t Like It

    “What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~Wayne Dyer

    I got the call late one Sunday afternoon while sitting at work. “Babe, your toilet tub and shower are backed up.” What?

    “It’s bad babe, and getting worse.” Okay, I thought, I’ll call my landlord.

    “Hello, this is so and so and you’ve got my voicemail. Please leave me a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

    Damn. Answering machine. Message left.

    Text message time. Left that one too.

    I wrapped up work and raced home. Yuck. It was bad. And like my partner mentioned, getting worse by the second.

    Another call to my landlord gave me another voicemail. Another text followed this time by an email. Still nothing.

    “Babe, you should call a plumber.” My landlord doesn’t like the idea of me calling a plumber on my own. I know this from past experiences.

    “But babe, she’s not returning your texts or calls.” Good point. And it was getting worse. For all I knew my landlord was on a plane heading to Europe.

    Plumber found. One last text to my landlord before I called, saying if I didn’t hear back from her that I was going to call a plumber on my own. Fifteen minutes later I made the call. Anxiety rising.

    Plumber said they would be there in thirty minutes. Ten minutes later my landlord called. No exaggeration to what I’m about to quote.

    “You’re threatening me!?” I wasn’t threatening you. “You call and text and call and text and threaten me!?” I didn’t threaten you.

    “I’m at a Christmas party and I have to deal with this!?” I was shaking. Like a scared little kid getting yelled at by an angry parent.

    “Maybe you should find a new place to live!” I couldn’t even get a word in. “If that plumber comes out that’s on your dime, not mine! It’s probably not even that bad.”

    The plumber showed up. Said it was that bad. That it was a health safety hazard and he couldn’t leave me like that, even after I told him about my landlord, who by the way showed up ten minutes later. Still pissed and blaming me for interrupting her evening.

    “I’ll have someone out in the morning,” she said in a not so nice tone.

    Someone did come. Problem was fixed. Life went on. Comfortably uncomfortable.

    Earth to Zachary. Come in Zachary. This is your wake up call.

    Do you copy? Zachary, do you copy? It’s time to move out of your apartment!

    You don’t deserve to be treated like this! Deep sigh. I copy. I think.

    My girlfriend asked why I didn’t end the phone conversation while the landlord was yelling at me. She said most people wouldn’t let someone speak to them like that.

    I’m not like most people. In fact, for the better part of my adult life I’ve stayed in and returned to painful relationships.

    Four months later and I’m still here. Still comfortably uncomfortable. A prisoner in my own apartment. The apartment I pay for on time each and every month.

    I’m a good tenant. Probably too good, as I allow myself to get pushed around. Almost like I’m bullied.

    Instead of my milk money, I’m giving the bully my rent money. Same thing. Different age.

    Where’s my voice? It’s time for me to stand up for myself. To show up as a man.

    See, I’m always afraid of how the other person is going to react, in this case, my landlord. I can see clearly how fear reverts me to a child like state, afraid of the angry parent. It paralyzes me.

    I have to remind the precious inner child that he did nothing wrong. That he wont get spanked for being a bad kid.

    Okay. Moment of truth. I’m about to send an email finally giving them my thirty-day notice.

    Check in time.

    My body has a surge of adrenaline racing through it. My fingers are almost shaking while I type. Heart beating quickly. Head feels like it’s in a vice.

    It’s just an email Zach. Just an email.

    My landlord can’t hurt me. I’ve done nothing wrong. I have the right to pick and choose where I’d like to live, as well as how I’d like to be treated.

    Deep breath. Let it out. Press send.

    Sent. The part of me that lives in fear is waiting for a quick response. For punishment. “How dare you!”

    I don’t like this part. It’s where I wait for the repercussions of my actions, the part where I drift off into assumption. Like this random thought: My landlord showing up at my place and changing the locks on my apartment. Why? Because I’m leaving and she’s mad at me.

    Wow, that’s a whole lot of assumption. A great big ugly pool of it. Yep. And if I’m not careful I’ll be swimming in it for hours.

    Zach, it’s okay. You sent a kind and heartfelt email thanking her for letting you live there. Someone else’s thoughts and feelings are not your responsibility.

    How is this growth for me? Hyper sensitive to another’s feelings, I’ve stayed in relationships way longer than I should have. A lot of us do.

    Out of fear. Fear of someone being mad at us. Fear of someone being hurt and disappointed. Folks, when we do this we’re only hurting ourselves.

    Bottom line, we can’t be the best person we can be if we are always putting someone else’s thoughts and feelings before our own. What the other person thinks of us is none of our business. If we can detach with love and our side of the street is clean, the rest is up to the other person.

    All we have to do is suit up, show up, and walk through our fears. Lean into our discomfort if you will. Walking through our fears will set us free from the bondage of our minds.

    It’s called having faith and knowing that we are enough, just we are. Faith that we will be just fine so long as we show up and do the work. It’s an everyday practice, and we are worth it.

  • Some Things Take Time: Slow Down and Stop Pushing

    Some Things Take Time: Slow Down and Stop Pushing

    Silence and Stillness

    “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    As life speeds up, as we check our phones and Twitter feeds for instant gratification, as we seek out another spiritual practice in the promise of evolving even faster, we have lost sight of something quite fundamental.

    Some things just take time. This can apply to relationships, business, and, in my experience, it especially applies to spiritual awakening.

    Yes, our practices such as meditation, dance, service, and energy work can support us on our soul journey. But rushing our development can even result in us taking one step forward and two steps back.

    And, most importantly, it will likely just happen anyway—if we get out of the way and allow it.

    I know this firsthand.

    When I felt the call to start developing my spiritual practice, the quirks of my overachieving personality took center stage. I quickly found out that there were sankharas to pluck out, energy centers to unblock, past life traumas to heal, and old soul contracts to wrap up.

    And I wanted this all sorted out ASAP, thanks.

    So I went from an occasional meditation practice to spending upward of two hours on the cushion every day, and chanted several times a week.

    I spent every single spare moment practicing and developing my newfound energetic skills. I declined social invitations so that I could concentrate totally on the latest text that had fallen into my hands.

    I don’t regret any of this. I learned a lot and it was my path.

    But after a couple of years, I realized that my approach to my practice was perhaps a bit obsessive; that it could just be another manifestation of the way that I had been living before “waking up,” as I had termed it.

    I thought that if I threw all my might at my spiritual evolution, then I might master this new way of being more quickly, and more effectively. Yet under the guise of spirituality, I was just playing out my old patterns.

    The result? I was increasingly ungrounded. I spent days feeling totally knocked around by major energetic “clearings.”

    I was slowing myself down, or at least not really assisting the flow of what wanted to move through me. And I was just as over-the-top about succeeding as ever, this time, at my practice rather than in my career.

    I eventually realized that spiritual evolution is not like a report or book that you can write faster if you stay up late. You can’t force this type of evolution. It’s not the type of thing that you can control.

    This type of evolution is perfect. It’s like a delicate flower, which unfolds at its own pace, to the rhythm of its own internal clock.

    I came to this gradual realization, surprisingly, while pursuing a doctorate in women’s well-being and justice after violence.

    This involved deconstructing everything I knew—being prepared to ask the hard questions and receive the answers; asking some big questions of myself, too, and being prepared to hear the answers.

    It really involved a deepening of my understanding of myself and my spiritual practice. I started to appreciate which of my old patterns I had been inadvertently repeating, and which of my tendencies were actually not serving me.

    The doctoral process also taught me how to play the long game and how to let go—working alone every day and inching along with my ideas; waiting for months, sometimes, to receive any feedback from my supervisors; spending months and months writing thousands of beautifully edited, referenced words that never made it into the final product.

    Now, there are much less resource-intensive ways to learn this than through pursuing an advanced degree. Just bringing your awareness and being honest about whether you are playing out your existing patterns is the first step.

    And if you notice that you have a tendency to rush your process, make the decision to slow down. Once you realize that the timing of your expansion, or growth, or awareness is perfect, you will relax.

    When you fully internalize that the journey is just as important as the destination, you’ll know that you’re on the right path.

    In relaxing, and in getting out of my own way, I’m much more receptive. I don’t worry about how long things will take. I trust that it will all happen perfectly.

    I don’t push as hard now, and yet more opportunities seem to fall into my lap. My creativity flows. My life is much more fun. And my experiential understanding and my practices continue to deepen.

    It’s actually quite magical.

    Life becomes easier and far more fulfilling when we slow down and let things happen instead of pushing ourselves to make things happen.

    Photo by Lisa Omarali

  • When You Want More Love and Support in Relationships

    When You Want More Love and Support in Relationships

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brené Brown

    For years, I felt unfulfilled in my relationships. I often felt drained, and as if I was the only one giving and doing things for others.

    I couldn’t quite understand what I was doing wrong and why relationships were so challenging for me. All I wanted to do was to feel loved and supported. Why couldn’t I get that?

    Then, nearly three years ago, after a bad breakup and a ton of other relationship challenges, I reached a breaking point. I knew I had to make some serious changes, so I found myself a therapist, a ton of self-help books, and a few other self-development professionals.

    Through this journey, I’ve learned several lessons that have helped me find and create the fulfilling relationships that I have today. Here are four lessons I learned.

    1. We have to accept people where they are.

    Even though I wanted more depth, intimacy, and support in my relationships, I had to learn to accept that others didn’t always want the same things I did; or, they did want the same things, but they were simply not ready for them at that point in time.

    In learning this lesson, I was able to let go of idealistic dreams that some people would one day change and appreciate those relationships for what they were.

    Many times we are unfulfilled in relationships because we are lying to ourselves. We choose to reject what is while clinging to our own idealistic dream of what could be.

    When we accept relationships as they are, we open the door to connecting with others who are able to give us what we know we deserve.

    2. Love begins on the inside, not the outside.

    One of my all-time favorite passages on love begins, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” When I was younger I interpreted this as though I had to find someone who was patient and kind, not jealous or boastful, and so on.

    I thought it was telling me that I had to judge other people according to that criteria to determine if it was truly “love” or not. I thought it was about seeking it in the external world.

    Then, when I heard this verse a couple years ago at a friend’s wedding, I had a huge “ah ha” moment: This verse has nothing to do with looking for these traits in other people. It’s telling us that this is the love that we can find within ourselves. 

    It is the love that makes this universe exist and keep it together. It is a love that we all possess.

    We are not meant to seek love externally in the world but to connect to it within so that we can create even more of that love in the world around us.

    The love that we seek is something that we already have. When we make the conscious effort to tap into that inner love and express it in the world, we can then begin to see all the love around us.

    3. It’s more painful to fear being authentic then to actually be authentic.

    I always held back my inner truth in relationships because I feared rejection. Deep down, I felt that I wasn’t good enough or worthy.

    I feared that others would automatically reject me if I expressed my unique, genuine interests and talents. I felt that by blending in with people, I’d guarantee acceptance.

    The reality, though, is that it took so much more effort, more strain, and more heartache to hold on to this fear.

    As I have gradually learned how to simply express my authentic truth in relationships, it has not only made my relationships better, it has also given me more energy that I can put into more proactive things.

    4. We get what we give.

    Even though I often felt like I was giving a lot in my relationships, what I was giving wasn’t necessarily healthy. I often gave to others in order to be accepted and avoid rejection, because I feared being vulnerable. I was giving out of fear, not from a place of inner love.

    If you want others to be more real and vulnerable, then you have to be more real and vulnerable. If you want others to openly discuss feelings, then you have to openly discuss feelings. This doesn’t guarantee they’ll reciprocate, but it opens the door for the type of relationship you’d like to have.

    Many of us know what we desire in our relationships, but we don’t realize the importance of our part. We have the ability to create the tempo. If we are willing to set the example, others will be more likely to follow and reciprocate.

    The more we realize the power of our own actions and align them to our heart’s true desires, the closer we’ll get to creating relationships filled with love, support, authenticity, and fulfillment.

  • When You Feel Purposeless and Fear You’re Wasting Time

    When You Feel Purposeless and Fear You’re Wasting Time

    “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” ~George Bernard Shaw

    I wanted a guarantee.

    I wanted to know for sure that if I tried to do something, I would like it; if I devoted my limited time to it, I’d end up somewhere good.

    I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and I felt certain this was a phenomenal failing—because if you don’t know right now what you need to do to make your life count, life will pass you by before you’ve ever had a chance to do something meaningful or valuable. At least, that’s what I thought back then.

    So I sat around thinking, analyzing, trying to identify something big enough or good enough, terrified that maybe I’d spend the rest of my days feeling purposeless, useless, on the fringe; doing the same thing in my professional life as I’d always done in my personal life: feeling like I was on the outside looking in.

    When you’re sitting amid a vast expanse of possibilities, in the pressure cooker of expectations and impatience, it can feel almost paralyzing.

    What step do you take when you have a hunch but no solid sense of direction? If it’s only a hunch, then maybe it’s the wrong direction.

    And what if you go in the wrong direction? Then you will have wasted time, and time is finite. And everyone else is so far ahead. Everyone else seems happy and successful. Everyone else is climbing the ladder, earning more money, making a difference, mattering.

    What if you never matter? What if you never do anything important? And worst of all, what if you never have more than a hunch about what’s important to you?

    What if you never feel a spark, a purpose, that elusive “why” that so many people write about?

    What if you never care about anything so strongly that it becomes the bliss you have to follow?

    Sitting in the Times Square Internet café over a decade ago, searching Craigslist for jobs and gigs, I felt a sense of panic and urgency. I needed to figure it out, and fast.

    I was blinded by the fear of never finding what I was looking for, and that made the looking awfully ineffective.

    I thought there was something wrong with me for being so uncertain, so resistant, so unable to identify and commit to any path.

    In retrospect, I see there was nothing wrong with me, or where I was in life. And there was nothing wrong with living in the maybe, looking for new possibilities.

    I wasn’t ineffective because I didn’t yet feel a strong internal pull. I was ineffective because I consistently marinated my brain in anxious, self-judging thoughts.

    My biggest obstacle wasn’t that I felt lost; it was that I felt I shouldn’t be. I felt I should have known, right then, not only what I wanted to do but also how I was going to do it.

    Because without knowing those two things, I felt adrift and incredibly out of control. How can you let yourself ease into the moment if you can’t be sure it’s leading to a better one?

    If I were to walk into that Internet café and approach my younger self, she would probably ignore me, immersed as she was in her frantic searching.

    But if I somehow had the power to command her attention, I’d tell her a few things that maybe, just maybe, could relieve her constant worrying and provide both peace of mind and focus.

    You’ll never be effective if you’re convinced tomorrow needs to be better than today, because this belief stems from resistance to the present—and the present is where your power lies.

    If you’re looking for purpose from a place of inadequacy, you will likely be too overwhelmed by the need to do something big, that matters to the world at large, to identify what matters to you personally and start taking tiny steps toward it.

    Instead of looking for a guarantee that tomorrow will be valuable, know that today is valuable—that you’re not wasting time because you don’t yet feel a sense of purpose. You’re using time well by starting (or continuing) the process of discovering it.

    There’s simply no shortcut to “figuring things out”—for anyone. Instead of being hard on yourself for not having clarity, be proud of yourself for moving forward on a foggy road when you could easily find a cloudless, well-beaten path to follow…to certain dissatisfaction.

    There’s no set timeframe for doing anything.

    You truly can do things in your own time without having to worry about being “behind.” Sometimes it’s the things we do that feel like “stalling” or “getting off track” that end up being the most helpful for our growth.

    And besides, what story will be more interesting to flash before your eyes in the end: one that unfolded in ways you never expected, with unique twists and turns; or, one that followed a specific, predetermined timeline with predictable steps from milestone to milestone?

    The best way to find direction is to trust your instincts instead of forcing yourself to do things because you think you “should.”

    Your intuition is a powerful compass, and even if you think you aren’t making progress, if you’re following your instincts, you are.

    There are always going to be opportunities that look good on paper, and that little, scared voice within may tell you that your life will only matter if you take them.

    Other people may also tell you this, if not directly, indirectly; or, you may assume they’re thinking this, when really, they’re too immersed in their own confusing journey to pass judgment on yours for long.

    But sometimes the best opportunities are the ones you don’t take, leaving yourself open for choices that better align with your own values and priorities.

    I know this may sound as impossible as growing another lung, but try not to worry so much about what other people might think. They may have expectations, but they aren’t living inside your mind, or feeling your instincts.

    The only one who can make wise decisions for you is you. And even if it makes you feel anxious at times, you will eventually thank yourself for being brave enough to follow your heart, not someone else’s head.

    When it comes to creating purpose, there truly is no “wrong” decision.

    You may think you only have one purpose and that you need to push yourself to find it. And you can continue thinking this, if you’re okay with feeling chronically pressured and scared.

    Or, instead of aiming to discover the one thing you’re supposed to do with your life, you could focus on discovering the one thing you want to try right now, knowing that you can change direction any time. And that changing direction won’t be something to be ashamed of; it won’t mean you failed at discovering your purpose before. It will mean you had one purpose then, and now your purpose has evolved.

    It will mean you’re brave enough to let yourself evolve, repeatedly undertaking the sometimes terrifying process of discovering what else you can do.

    Maybe that in itself can be a purpose—to live life in that vulnerable, uncertain place where you’re not boxed into one way of being; unencumbered by the need to define yourself and your place in the world; free to roam when it would feel much safer to tether yourself to one role.

    —

    Ten years ago I thought I was a failure because I hadn’t done anything that felt important. I now know it was all important, and not just because it brought me to this site.

    All those steps were important because those steps were my life. And my life is valuable and worth enjoying regardless of what I do professionally.

    Ironically, adopting this mindset makes it so much easier to create meaning in life, because suddenly it’s not about what you have to do. It’s about what you want to do. It’s about where your heart’s pulling you in this moment.

    And that’s what it means to find direction—to follow those pulls, without a guarantee, knowing that the goal isn’t to end up somewhere good but to learn to recognize the good in this very moment.

    This moment isn’t merely the bridge to where you want to be. This moment—this crucial part of the process—is a destination in itself, and now is your only opportunity to appreciate it, and appreciate yourself for living it.

    Photo by h. koppdelaney

  • What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

    What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself

    “Self-love requires you to be honest about your current choices and thought patterns and undertake new practices that reflect self-worth.” ~Caroline Kirk

    If one more person told me to “love myself” I was going to levitate into the air and pull one of those impossible martial arts moves from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I was sick of it!

    What the heck does loving myself mean? Were they talking about bubble baths, pedicures, and cucumber masks? It turns out there is so much more to self-love than just pampering ourselves. I found this out the hard way.

    About a year and a half ago, I almost died after a bad breakup. I had devoted so much of my energy to making the relationship work that I had completely neglected my own needs, and had given away my power and my responsibility for happiness.

    As I wrote about here, when I finally developed the courage to end an addictive and painful relationship, I had to live with the effects of lack of self-love.

    I struggled to eat, sleep, or continue my daily functioning. I spent every waking hour to myself, trying to understand how and why I had gotten there. I had to know, because whatever it was, if I did not attend to it, this was going to be the end of the road for me. I knew it.

    I made mixed media collages, journaled, watched The Notebook five more times, cried, and called up friends to keep me company while I ate my few bites each day.

    During this whole time, I found places in my story where I was not present to my own life, my body, or my spirit. I was just there. I found the places where I had abandoned myself and then gotten mad at the other person for not meeting my needs.

    The truth was, I did not have a big enough inner container to hold the love I so desired even if I received it, because my self-love tank had shrunk down to the size of a bottle cap.

    It finally became very clear to me that there was one core reason I had gotten there: I did not know anything about self-love.

    This realization launched me into a relentless search for the meaning of self-love, internally and externally.

    I found that self-love is a not a destination; it’s a practice. Self-love is the foundation on which we build a happy life. Without self-love, we have nowhere to put the love or abundance that comes to us.

    Not sure what it looks like to love yourself? Here is what I’ve learned. Self-love is…

    1. Choosing ourselves, even if it means upsetting others and not being popular anymore. Even if it means we leave a party before anyone else because we feel tired, overwhelmed, or just plain feel done with the crowd.

    2. Telling what is true for us, not swallowing words that express what we truly feel, think, or want to do.

    3. Giving our body the nurturing, rest, exercise, and comfort it needs to the best of our ability.

    4. Wearing clothes that make us feel good and fit our personality instead of wearing clothes that are in fashion that we use to impress others.

    5. Building a life that we love while we are single instead of waiting for our prince/princess to show up to explore life and to be happy.

    6. Accepting ourselves with the good, the bad, the ugly, the sexy, and the smelly—all of it—and appreciating ourselves as whole people.

    7. Making time to do whatever we love, just to play, without worrying about wasting time.

    8. Owning our inner and outer beauty and complimenting ourselves without feeling guilty, arrogant, or entitled.

    9. Not rehashing our past mistakes and dragging ourselves to a dark place when we know that we can only learn from the past; we can’t change it.

    10. Spending some quality, connected time with ourselves instead of always watching TV or wasting time on the Internet.

    11. Using discretion when sharing our heart, self, and dreams with others.

    12. Trusting the path that our soul is on and making a genuine effort to become a conscious co-creator of our destiny.

    13. Not blaming our parents for our current issues, and looking for ways to heal our wounds and change our dysfunctional patterned behaviors by reaching out to ministers, therapists, coaches, and healers.

    14. Following what our gut/intuition says instead of living out of our brain and ego.

    15. Staying in our integrity, both when it comes to ourselves and when interacting with others out in the world. This includes keeping ourselves in check regarding patterns such as lying, manipulating, co-depending, withholding, and pretending.

    16. Allowing ourselves to dream big, without contaminating these dreams with judgments, our perceived limitations, or a lack of sense of deserving.

    17. Knowing how we’re spending our emotional, mental, financial, and physical energy, and whether these activities bring back joy, connection, nurturing, rest, and creativity to our lives.

    18. Taking responsibility for all of our experiences. Knowing that we have the ability for deeper self-awareness and access to our intuition when it comes to making life choices.

    19. Not labeling ourselves with others’ opinions of us, while having the courage to look inside to see if there might be some truth to them.

    20. Learning to set boundaries that protect and nurture our relationships, with ourselves and others.

    21. Allowing ourselves to make mistakes and not berating ourselves for making them. Instead, choosing to appreciate our desire to learn and grow.

    22. Refusing to seek permission or approval to be ourselves. Recognizing that we, like everyone else, deserve to take up space on this planet just as who we are right now.

    And lastly, self-love is:

    23. Loving and accepting ourselves even when we fail miserably at some of these self-love goals.

    No one else can offer these things to us. No one else can take our vitamins for us or prevent us from going into a self-loathing attack.

    Even if we land the best partner on the planet, this person won’t be able to make us happy and feel loved unless we create the space for it inside by practicing self-love. This is why self-love is an inside job.

    From my heart to your heart…

  • 10 Ways to Make the World a Nicer Place

    10 Ways to Make the World a Nicer Place

    Kind Kid

    “There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept responsibility for changing them.” ~Denis Waitley  

    I was spending some time with my nephews not too long ago. This is one of my favorite things to do because we have a lot of fun together. They’re silly and loving and inquisitive, and it’s easy to make them laugh.

    Spending time with them reminds me that fun and laughter should be a part of my everyday life, and also makes me feel like a kid again.

    When we were together that day, I asked them what they want to be when they grow up. My five-year-old nephew said, “I want to be a police so I can make the world a nicer place for everyone.”

    I thought that was just about the sweetest and cutest thing he could possibly say, even though the thought of him becoming a police officer made me nervous. Why couldn’t he choose something safer?

    Over the next few days, I couldn’t get that conversation out of my head because I realized that I don’t want him, as a five-year-old, taking on the responsibility of making the world a nicer place.

    I want him to be focused on having fun and making friends and learning new things in school. I don’t think any child should have to worry about that.

    I started thinking about the actions I could take to make the world a nicer place so that he can experience that right now. Many of us are already doing things that have a positive impact on the world, but we don’t always recognize or acknowledge them.

    We can all make a difference by doing these simple actions more frequently and accepting the responsibility for a nicer world as our own.

    1. Smile at others.

    Smiling makes others feel good when they see us doing it and it makes us feel good, too. It allows us to feel connected to other people, and this improves all of our moods. When I smile at people in the store and I get smiles in return, I notice that I get an immediate mood boost.

    2. Make eye contact with people.

    Many times we look at the ground or our phones instead of acknowledging the people around us. We avoid talking to people in line with us at the grocery store, and we act like we don’t see other people when we pass by them on the street. When we make eye contact instead of ignoring people, we make them feel seen and worthy of our attention—something we all want and appreciate.

    3. Take care of our environment.

    We all want to live in a clean and beautiful environment. The first step is to recycle and take care of our resources instead of being wasteful. Doing this ensures we leave our children a world they can take pride in and enjoy comfortably.

    4. Compliment other people.

    It’s important that we tell others how they make a difference in our lives and that we see all the amazing things they do. We can make a tremendous difference in their lives by sharing our gratitude instead of just thinking about it. I make an effort to compliment others about their work and let them know how important they are to me because I know that everyone wants to know that they matter.

    5. Be positive.

    Everyone benefits when we stop complaining and find the positive instead of focusing on the negative. We can make life easier for ourselves, and the people around us, if we stop worrying about the worst-case scenarios and try to make the best of our situations. When we cultivate a positive mindset, we not only feel more positive, we’re also more likely to create more positive circumstances.

    6. Help others.

    We often help others expecting something in return, but this can lead to disappointment and resentment. The alternative is to help others, especially those who are struggling, simply because we want to live in a world where people look out for each other.

    7. Be kinder to ourselves.

    Forgiving ourselves for any mistakes we make is much kinder than always mentally beating ourselves up, and being kind to ourselves is crucial if we want the world to be a nicer place. When we’re kind and caring to ourselves, we’re more open to kindness from others and more likely to treat others well.

    8. Stay mindful in the present moment.

    If we stop dwelling on things that have happened in the past and worrying about what might happen in the future, we’ll be able to experience all of the wonderful things that are happening in the present. When my mind wanders, I bring myself back to the now with three deep breaths. Mindfulness is a powerful way to increase our happiness, and that can have a massive ripple effect on the world around us.

    9. Express gratitude daily.

    Acknowledging all of the amazing things that we have happened to us puts us in a positive mindset, and it also provides us with the opportunity to thank others for all they’ve done. I practice gratitude daily by recording at least three things that I’m grateful for at the end of the night, and I’ve noticed it makes a tremendous difference in my mood and my relationships.

    10. Have fun!

    A lot of times we make situations out to be more much more serious than they need to be and we forget to actually let go and have fun. Let’s make sure that enjoying life is a priority so that we can actually take advantage of living in a nicer world!

    Photo by Juhan Sonin

  • 10 Habits of Unhappy People (And How to Fix Them)

    10 Habits of Unhappy People (And How to Fix Them)

    “Ego says, ‘Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace.’ Spirit says, ‘Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.’” ~Marianne Williamson

    Have you ever felt that something was missing in your life?

    Who am I kidding, everyone has.

    I used to be unhappy. But not just unhappy—miserable.

    I’d look at other people and wonder what they had that I didn’t. I was sick of living my life. And being sick of it was the tipping point that changed it all. It’s what got me moving in the direction of what made my heart sing.

    As I moved forward, I discovered that what was making me miserable wasn’t outside of me, but the habits I had built up over the years.

    I’d like to share with you what those habits were, and how I overcame them.

    1. Waiting for clarity.

    I thought that in order to do what I loved and be happy, I had to know where I was going.

    Turns out that wasn’t. It was just a thought that I believed.

    When I took action despite feeling confused, and simply did my best, I discovered that I could always take one step forward, clarity or no clarity.

    It was like walking in a heavy fog. As long as I kept moving forward, more of my path revealed itself. But if I stood still, nothing would happen.

    Fix: Don’t wait for clarity. Listen to your heart and take one tiny step forward. It doesn’t have to be perfect.

    2. Seeking permission from others.

    I wanted others to tell me I was on the right track. The more I did this, the emptier I felt inside.

    Why? Because I was giving my power away. Instead of listening to my own guidance system, I was relying on someone else.

    It was confusing and disempowering.

    I’ve never had an easy time trusting life. I worry a lot. But over the years I’ve realized that trusting myself is the only way toward living a fulfilling life.

    Once I stopped trying to seek permission, or figure things out, my inner wisdom grew stronger, because it was no longer clouded by thoughts.

    Fix: Don’t look to someone else for validation for your dreams. Go after what makes you come alive. That’s enough.

    3. Hoping for future salvation.

    Another unhelpful habit I have is living in the future, thinking that reaching my goals will make me happier.

    However, I’ve noticed that once again, this is just a thought that I give power to.

    I’ve also noticed that I’ve reached plenty of goals that I thought would make me happy, but didn’t.

    Like me, you’ve probably heard the following phrase over and over again: “Happiness comes from the inside. It’s available right here, right now.”

    For a long time, I wondered, “That’s all fine and good, but how do I use that in my life?”

    The answer was to witness my thoughts and let them pass by. I don’t have to believe every thought that tells me that the future holds the key to my happiness.

    Once I let those thoughts pass, I noticed that there’s a source of joy within, always available to me.

    Fix: When you find yourself living in the future, just notice what you’re doing. Let go of the tendency and observe what’s going on. This is a practice, so don’t worry if you don’t get it perfect.

    4. Wanting to take big leaps.

    When I get caught up in thinking that the future will save me, I want to take big leaps. I want to hurry to my goal.

    Yet this behavior makes reaching my goal less likely. It introduces sloppiness into my work. It produces an aroma of selfishness.

    But, if I let things take their time, and if I let those thoughts pass, there’s a sense of peace.

    As I write this, I’m not in a hurry. I sense the wanting to finish, but I witness it. I don’t get involved. Then I return my focus to writing and letting the words flow on paper.

    And my soul smiles. My heart nods. My breath deepens.

    I remember: “This is it. This is life.”

    Fix: Big leaps assume that happiness is in the future. Take a deep breath. Notice how much happiness is available right now. No big leaps needed, just a remembering of who you are.

    5. Having faulty expectations.

    For a long time, I believed that I could eliminate negativity from my life.

    But every day does not have to be a happy day.

    Life is sometimes difficult. The problem isn’t the difficulty, but how I relate to it. If I think it shouldn’t be there, I suffer.

    Again, it comes down to my thinking. Life is as it is; my thinking creates my experience of life.

    When I notice my expectations, I can let them be. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel the sting of something I label as bad; it simply means that I don’t have to pour more gasoline on the fire.

    I can’t control life, but I can control how I use my attention.

    I don’t have to change my thoughts; just notice what’s going on and how I’m creating my experience of the present moment.

    Fix: Notice how your expectations make you unhappy. Bring your attention to this moment. Do the best you can with what you have.

    6. Taking your thoughts seriously.

    “You’re not good enough.”

    “You’ll end up homeless if you follow your heart.”

    “What will people think of you?”

    We all have thoughts that freak us out. Yet I have days when I don’t care about those thoughts.

    So what’s different between the good days and the bad days? Simply my state of being. When I feel good, my emotional immune system is more stable.

    I remember that my feelings are simply an indication of how trustworthy my thinking is. When I feel bad, it’s a sign that I need to take my thinking less seriously.

    When I feel good, that’s when I can solve problems. But often I find that problems solve themselves, if I’m willing to get out of the way.

    So what I’m repeating over and over again is the fact that it’s our thinking that makes us unhappy, not our circumstances.

    Fix: Experiment with taking your thinking less seriously for sixty seconds at a time. See what happens and how you feel.

    7. Playing things safe.

    When I push the boundaries of my comfort zone, I tend to get anxious, afraid, and worried.

    But after a while the discomfort becomes comfortable. It becomes familiar.

    What changed? My thinking.

    When I let anxious thoughts pass, eventually my thinking returns to normal. But if I try to figure things out, I prolong the “healing” process.

    I’ve realized that to be fulfilled in life, I have to grow and challenge myself. To do that, I need to step outside my comfort zone. I have to stop playing things safe.

    There are no guarantees in this world.

    All I can do is follow my heart and be aware of my thinking. That’s it. I’ll have scary thoughts, but that’s okay. I can still take one tiny step forward.

    Fix: Become aware of the fact that being outside of your comfort zone is simply believing a different set of thoughts. You can always listen to your heart, and take the next step.

    8. Focusing on lack.

    I can have wonderful relationships, do work I love, and have life go swimmingly.

    But if one thing goes wrong, and I focus on it, I make myself miserable.

    And the thing about life is that there will always be something “wrong.”

    The key to happiness isn’t to get rid of your problems, but to learn to live with them. To notice how your thinking gets you in trouble.

    This doesn’t mean I neglect problems. It means that I don’t stress over them. I solve them as well as I can, but I don’t try to force solutions.

    I’ve noticed that when I stop thinking, I allow my inner wisdom to help me. I often get solutions to problems when I’m not thinking, such as when I’m on a walk, washing dishes, meditating, or in the shower.

    I do my best and then I let go.

    Fix: Notice your tendency to focus on the thoughts that tell you something is wrong. Rest your attention in the witness of those thoughts. You are not them. You can observe them, and breathe.

    9. Resisting obstacles.

    For years, I ran away from challenges because I saw them as obstacles to getting what I want.

    And I thought getting what I wanted would make me happy.

    But then something changed: I saw that these obstacles weren’t obstacles, but stepping stones helping me follow my calling.

    Instead of remaining in the habit of resisting obstacles, I get curious. I ask myself: What can I learn from this?

    Everything seems to have a purpose.

    The more I surrender to life, the more powerful I become. And to me, this surrender simply means not trying to figure everything out, or trying to control life.

    Fix: Don’t fight life. Embrace life. Become curious about the problems in your life. Don’t rush to fix them. Let them be for a while and notice the results.

    10. Neglecting your calling.

    Perhaps the biggest obstacle to happiness is neglecting your calling.

    When I neglect my heart, my purpose, my inner wisdom, I become miserable.

    And the way I neglect my calling is through thinking too much. Thinking that something is wrong, or that I’m on the wrong track.

    When I notice this mental habit, I let it be, and I take a deep breath.

    To follow my calling, I have to let go of what I think my path looks like.

    I can’t figure out where my life is going, I can only live it one moment at a time. That’s scary to my mind, but that’s okay. I can let thoughts pass, and I can rest my attention in my heart.

    Fix: Let go of what you think your life should be, and let it become what it was meant to be. Live life one moment at a time. It’s all you can do anyway.

    —

    Happiness is not something you get, but something you are. What’s stopping you from being happy is taking your thoughts too seriously.

    You have wisdom within you, waiting to guide you. All you have to do is let go and observe how you stop yourself from accessing it.

    It’s not easy. It’s a practice. Sometimes it takes time.

    But notice that even the rush to get it right is a thought. Let it be.

    Do your best.

    Follow your heart.

    And remember to breathe.

  • The One Thing You Need to Change If You Want to Accept Yourself

    The One Thing You Need to Change If You Want to Accept Yourself

    “Serenity comes when you trade expectations for acceptance.” ~Unknown

    I quit Weight Watchers this week and I have never felt happier.

    To be clear, quitting this weight loss program was not an act of defeat, nor was it an example of me running away from something difficult or painful. Cutting ties with Weight Watchers was truly an acceptance of self.

    A couple of weeks ago I had a heart-to-heart conversation with a friend. I was feeling really down, and I confided to him that not only do I lack self-confidence in nearly everything I do, I also seem to not like myself very much at all.

    A voice in my head pretty regularly reminds me that I am not smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, or anything enough in this life, so why bother trying.

    As I explained all of this to my dear friend, I noted that I would never treat another human being as badly as I treat myself. I am loving and kind to everyone around me, but inwardly I am a mean bully. As I was saying it out loud, the whole thing seemed kind of ridiculous to me, but I didn’t know how to stop hating myself.

    It was at this point that my friend said something that changed my life; he said, “Take a hard look at the things you think you don’t like about yourself. You have a choice: Either learn to accept them for what they are or change them. It’s that simple.”

    At first his advice infuriated me. How on earth was I supposed to accept my flaws? I have spent thirty-six years perfecting my self-loathing; it seemed impossible to undo all of that hard work.

    Turns out, it was easier than I thought it would be. After I got over the initial angry response to my friend’s advice, I started soul searching. I made a mental list of the things I have disliked about myself for nearly my whole life and examined each one, starting with the issue that has caused the most distress for me: my weight and body image.

    For as long as I can remember, weight and body image have been an issue for me. I remember weighing-in in gym class in middle school and noting that I was not as small as some of the other girls in my class, but I also was not as big as some of the others either.

    Truthfully, I have always fallen somewhere in the middle and would be considered average, but in my head I was never the right size or shape; I always wanted to be thinner, sleeker, and more toned.

    Since my early twenties I have been struggling with weight loss; I would join weight loss programs or get into exercise routines with really high expectations: “This time I am going to lose thirty pounds and look like a super model!”

    Inevitably, I would fail each time. I realize now this is not because I am a complete failure; it’s good to have goals, but I was setting my expectations impossibly high. I was aiming to drop three dress sizes when I should have been aiming to just be healthier.

    Alone in my bathroom, I stripped off all of my clothes. I stood naked before the mirror and looked at myself. I mean, really looked at myself. I wanted to see my body and acknowledge what I didn’t like. I felt that by doing this I could see the real me and finally accept who I am, flaws and all.

    Here’s what I saw: My body is not perfect, but it is certainly not bad, either.

    Regardless of its flaws, my body has withstood many challenges: I gave birth to two children, I ran a half marathon, and I can rock the thirty-minute circuit at the gym like nobody’s business. I also have some pretty cool tattoos, and even though I am no super model, I actually think I look good naked.

    When I thought about it, I realized my body was actually pretty awesome.

    It was then and there that I decided I needed to take my friend’s advice: accept my body for what it is. Sure, it would be cool to have rock hard abs or to look like a girl on the cover of a fashion magazine, but by comparing my body to some ideal, I am overlooking what is truly great about me.

    And so I quit my weight loss program, and as soon as I did, I felt amazing. No more feeling guilty about what I did or did not eat that day, no more hating myself on weigh-in day (no more weighing myself, period!), and no more telling myself I am not thin enough.

    I will still make strides to be healthy (regular exercise, healthy portions, fruits and veggies), but now it is just to be healthy, not to lose thirty pounds or look like a super model.

    My experience in truly facing my insecurities and consciously deciding to accept myself, my whole self, and nothing but myself, was truly enlightening; and it was freeing.

    I challenge you to do the same. You don’t have to literally get naked, but definitely do so metaphorically. Strip away your impossible expectations and look at the amazing person you really are.

    The next time the mean bully in your head tells you that you aren’t smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough, or thin enough, challenge what you are hearing. Change your story. Instead of comparing your “behind the scenes” with everyone else’s “highlight reel,” yell back at the bully and tell him or her you are awesome because you are you.

    It doesn’t matter what size you are; you are still worth loving, so be kind to yourself and start accepting your little imperfections. You might find that once you begin accepting those things you think you dislike about yourself, those flaws are actually pretty great. And you are pretty great, too.

  • Do You Feel Stuck, Overwhelmed, and Dissatisfied?

    Do You Feel Stuck, Overwhelmed, and Dissatisfied?

    “Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.” ~Andy Rooney

    I was born and raised in Louisiana, where food, booze, and fun are the three most important things in most every social situation.

    I had my license at fourteen, my first drink at fifteen, and I knew the owner of the local drive-through daiquiri bar by name. (Miss Billy, in case you were wondering.) It wasn’t out of the ordinary. We all drank a lot on the weekends…who doesn’t?!

    In college, when my parents were going through a divorce, I discovered boxed wine and how to make grilled cheeses on my roommate’s mini George Forman grill. So, like many college kids, I would come home drunk at three in the morning and eat five grilled cheeses.

    Then came the job on Wall Street, where food and alcohol were just part of the territory. Meet clients for drinks. Bond over a fancy dinner. Drink more at the bar after dinner. Eat. Drink. Repeat. Take a load off. Decompress. You get the idea. Life is intense. Period. No question about it.

    Life can be overwhelming and scary, and it can feel like too much to deal with on some days. At times, it can feel easier and quicker to pour another glass of wine, or go shopping, or keep ourselves “busy,” or work nonstop, or eat a pint of ice cream than face the intensity of life. 

    We keep going because we don’t know what will happen if we stop. It can be petrifying to think about how out of sync our lives are sometimes. What would happen if we stopped for a second? Would the lives we have created just crumble around us?

    It was a lot easier for me not to feel how out of alignment I was when I was working on Wall Street because everything looked good on paper, and I really liked certain aspects of my job and life.

    It was also a lot easier for me not to feel that the business I built last year wasn’t exactly what I wanted. It can be easier to ignore the failing relationship, the friends that don’t make you feel good, the job that’s sucking your soul, and so on.

    You might not know what it is, but there’s something that doesn’t feel right. And most of us stay stuck in the dissatisfaction of where we are because we don’t know what to do with those feelings.

    We get caught worrying about figuring it all out and having all the answers. When we don’t know how to change things, we convince ourselves that there’s no way, so we ignore the whispers. And in order to deal with the fact that we’ve ignored the whispers and that our lives sometimes feel okay but aren’t totally great, we pick up something to help us feel better.

    We process the feelings by not actually processing them at all because we never learned how to feel our feelings. Many of us turn to a “safe” solution like wine or food. I never did drugs; that wasn’t my thing. I never had a gambling problem or a shoe addiction. But I did love wine and food. They became a comfort. They became a ritual.

    So this is my story: I was raised Catholic in a Lebanese family in the South. I’m a success-driven, high-achieving woman.

    We drink and we eat; that’s just what we do. And there is nothing wrong with any of that…until there is.

    There’s nothing wrong with drinking wine, eating chocolate, shopping online late at night, or pouring your heart into work you love. What I’m saying is that these things can be dangerous if you use them to cover what you don’t want to feel, or to fill a void in your soul.

    Many of us know there’s something more. We’re ready to feel aligned, purposeful, and driven, but we don’t know how to do that.

    We don’t know what the “something more” is, but we can hear it calling to us.

    I had to quit filling the void with food and wine last year in order to finally find my “something more.” I had to really look at the range of emotions I was feeling, write about them, and allow them to be present, without making them bad or wrong.

    I had to notice my fears and not run from them. I had to learn the difference between thoughts that were helpful and those that were just old programming that I needed to release. I had to learn to notice my thoughts as visitors, not as invited guests. I had to learn that I had a choice in every moment.

    I touched a deep, dark, raw, and beautiful place within myself. I have come out on the other side of this journey more aligned, more purposeful, more driven, and more alive than ever before. This is my one life, and I am now choosing to live it with intention.

    I have a purpose in this lifetime and I need to be an open channel to do the work that I feel inspired to do.

    You can create a sense of purpose too, but you have to be willing to let go of the old and embrace the new.

    Are you willing to say yes to your path even if the road is dusty and dark?

    You won’t always know the answers. You won’t always know “how.” But if you are willing to say yes to the whispers, the road will rise to meet you and your direction will unfold. You must first say yes.

    My life without using wine or food to cover feelings is richer and more abundant and fulfilling than I ever imagined possible. I am free. I am aligned. I am driven. I am in love. I am happy. I am soulful. I am light. I am radiant.

    More than anything, I am here to show you how to access the same connection to your true self so you can show up and do the work that inspires you.

    Try these five steps to get you started.

    1. Ask yourself, “Do my heart and soul feel completely full?”

    If the answer is no, are you willing to say yes to finding your “something more” and to walking your path?

    2. Once you’ve said yes, become aware of how you numb and check out (wine, food, work, etc.).

    You don’t have to get rid of these things, but can you notice when you reach for them?

    3. Recognize your fears without stuffing them down or making them wrong.

    It’s helpful for me to write down my fears without trying to solve them. Something like “I’m scared of…” and then just write for a few minutes.

    4. Remember that the feelings won’t kill you.

    You might feel awesome in the morning and horrible two hours later. Thoughts and feelings come and go. Remember that they don’t define you. The real you is the stillness underneath it all.

    5. Have faith.

    This is a journey. Your path will unfold. Trust that once you say yes, all you have to do is keep your eyes open for the clues. You will be guided if you keep showing up and saying yes.

  • Your Job Doesn’t Define You, No Matter What You Do

    Your Job Doesn’t Define You, No Matter What You Do

    “I’ve learned that making a ‘living’ is not the same thing as making a ‘life.’” ~Maya Angelou

    When I started working toward a life of freedom a year ago and dared to set my sights on my dreams, I never imagined I’d be where I am today.

    However, if you took a snap shot of my life three years ago, you’d have seen a different person. I was a career woman, a high flyer, rising quickly from an office manager to the head of human resources for a fast growing, successful business, going from strength to strength.

    I was living the dream, earning more than enough money to make sure I could buy whatever, and I’d finally become a success at long last!

    Yet today, the story is the complete opposite. I am a cleaner. I work part-time seven days a week, cleaning and clearing up after other people. I work for minimum wage and I work physically hard every single day.

    Who I Thought I Was

    I thought I couldn’t get a better job, a better position in life, or a better chance to show the world that I had finally made it. I was earning substantial amounts of money, getting to travel the world, and buying whatever I wanted.

    I thought that if I could just make it somehow, and prove it to everyone because I was working in London fifty hours a week, that I’d get the respect I’d always deserved. I was completely and utterly defined by my career. Without the job, the status, and money I’d be nothing a nobody, and who wants to be that?

    So, what happened?

    I quit. One day I just decided that it wasn’t for me. It was too stressful; it was life-numbing work, killing me from the inside out. I knew I no longer wanted to work for someone else’s dreams. I was tired of working hard, on the verge of becoming mentally unstable and feeling utterly miserable.

    I realized that what I did as a job wasn’t what mattered. What mattered was the fact that I was happy, that my purpose went a lot deeper than sitting behind a desk, with my head in my hands wondering what the hell I was doing and why.

    The Journey Began

    Once I’d started on this journey, I knew there was no going back because I’d never be satisfied. So I began searching for what really made me happy, what I loved to do, and how I could use that to serve the world.

    I wanted to contribute, to make a difference, and inspire others to do the same. It was like a light had finally been switched on in my brain. I realized that life was what I made it and I didn’t have to do what everyone else was doing. I could try something new, step out of the ordinary, and live an extraordinary life.

    The thing was, however, I had no money. When I’d quit my job, I’d mounted up a lot of debt. My credit cards were maxed out, and the money I did have I had to use for bills, rental payments, and to pay off those debts.

    I became very scared and anxious, as I wanted to follow my dreams and search for what mattered; yet, I still needed to live. I wasn’t about to go backward, so I had to admit defeat; I had to get a job, a menial one, something that required little attention or time that would still paid the bills.

    So I became a cleaner.

    I won’t lie to you; it wasn’t easy. For so long I’d been a high flyer. I was proud of being known as a success and loved being able to afford anything I wanted. Then here I was, a failure, the type of person I felt sorry for and could never imagine being.

    I had become someone I never wanted to be. I was embarrassed to admit it to people, but at the same time I knew I had to do it. Financially, it took the pressure off. It also gave me the freedom to do what I loved during the day, and most of all, it allowed me to rediscover my dreams and work toward them.

    Your Work Doesn’t Have to Define You

    It took me a long time to realize that my work didn’t have to define me. All that mattered was that I could pay my bills, which was the only reason for doing this. The fact that everyone else saw me as just a cleaner didn’t mean a thing; they could think what they wanted.

    I was the only one who knew the truth. I didn’t have to justify myself to anyone anymore.

    It was so liberating.

    Of course, there are down sides. I have days where I get so exasperated, so frustrated that I have to do this job. I get a little down and disheartened, but each time those doubts pop into my head I instantly turn them into something positive.

    So how can you deal with these down times when you’re doing something that isn’t your dream?

    Realize it serves a purpose.

    Remind yourself why you are here, why you are doing this job, and what you are getting out of it. Remember there is a reason for it, and that reason is to pay the bills, the rent, or buy food, and that’s it.

    It’s not that you are a cleaner, or a garbage collector, or whatever you decide to do while you work on your dreams. You are a planner, an achiever, and you are courageous enough to do what has to be done to make sure your dreams happen.

    Be grateful.

    Seriously, this is the most important thing you can do. When I get down I remember that I am so lucky and grateful for the fact that I can do a job, get paid for it, and still work on my dreams.

    If I had a nine-to-five job, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today because I’d be too tired. I’d be too comfortable with the money, the work, and the easiness of it all, so I’d probably stay stuck.

    Sometimes it’s good to be doing this kind of work, as there’s something you really want to get out of. It will motivate you so much more in that way. So always be grateful for having this opportunity.

    Keep cheerful.

    Whenever I go into work, I see all the office staff looking down and depressed. I remember what it felt like to be stuck behind a desk all day doing work that did little for me. So I make sure I am cheerful.

    I spread a little bit of light around me because I feel so lucky to have gotten out of the rat race. If I can make other people see that cleaning isn’t who I am, it’s what I make of it that matters, then perhaps I can inspire others to do the same.

    I hope these will inspire you and keep you on the journey toward your dreams and purpose in life. It’s so important not to let what you do affect who you are. Some people will only see you for what you do, but those people don’t know what you know.

    Always feel blessed and honored to be able to follow your heart and have the courage to go after what makes you happy.

    If you are like me, you are very lucky indeed—and if you want to follow your dreams, begin today before it’s too late!

  • The Stage of Grief You’ve Never Heard of But May Be Stuck In

    The Stage of Grief You’ve Never Heard of But May Be Stuck In

    “Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

    Since I was a little girl I have believed in the power of wishes. I’ve never missed a first star, a dandelion plume, or load of hay (load of hay, load of hay, make a wish and turn away) to express to the universe my deepest desires.

    When I was fifteen and my dad was at the end stages of cancer, I would wish on the first star, not to save him, but to plead a peaceful end. Since my oldest son passed away very unexpectedly in October of 2010, I have made hundreds of wishes to remember every detail I can about the boy who was the other half of my heart.

    In the three years since Brandon’s death, I believe my wish to keep his memory alive have been answered by learning to turn my “whys” into “hows.”

    Asking “why” isn’t one of the official stages of grief, but maybe it should be. Anger and denial get all the attention, while getting stuck in the “why” freezes you in your tracks and prevents any opportunity for growth or movement toward healing.

    Not being able to let go of needing to know “why” forces you to focus on the rear view mirror. It keeps you in the past and prevents you from living in a way that honors the person or thing you have lost.

    It’s in my nature to ask why. “Why” can be a powerful question that leads to clarity and progress. It can also be a roadblock in the one-way traffic of life.

    Life doesn’t come with reverse, only neutral and various speeds of forward progress. “Why” firmly plants us in neutral, and that’s where I was in the months after Brandon’s death.

    I obsessed over the “why.” My brain whirled at sonic speed looking for it. I assumed if I found the “why,” I would find comfort and would be able to pick up the pieces and move on. I came up with elaborate theories of why Brandon died.

    Brandon was home on leave from the Army when he passed away, but was scheduled to be deployed within the next few months. I spun that into my favorite “why theory,” that dying at home saved him some horrible combat death in Afghanistan.

    It made me feel better, briefly, but I was still left with the bigger question that would never be answered—why did it have to happen at all?

    “What’s your why?” has become a motivational catch phrase. I remember seeing an inspirational quote on Pinterest after Brandon died, with a picture of a scantily clad, fit chick with “What’s your why?” typed beneath her sculpted abs. I shouted at her in the quiet of my room to eff-off—my “why” died!

    “What’s your why?” sounds absurd to the grieving person, and it’s not comforting!

    Not only had my “why” died, I also found myself pleading with the universe for the explanation to “why this happened. “Why” is a question with no answer when it comes to loss. “Why” offers more questions than comfort.

    Another word that isn’t included in the official grief process, but again, I think it should be, is “how.” “How” explores possibilities. “How” shines a light into the future. Exploring “how” to live a life that honors the memory of my son made my wishes come true.

    After realizing being stuck in “why” would never ease the pain of losing him, I began to realize that how I live the rest of my life is the outward manifestation of my son’s spirit.

    It is the only way anyone will ever get to know my son, and the only way I can keep his memory alive. If I continued to live in the “why,” I would diminish his memory, but by living in the “how” I magnify his memory by my actions.

    It doesn’t make the grief go away; rather, it ignites my grief as a powerful vessel for change.

    My “how” is manifested in cultivating a life of adventure and using radical self-care to ensure that I have the energy to embrace a life that reflects Brandon’s best qualities.

    It is a labor of love for my son that I embrace life, take risks, be courageous, pay it forward, and act in a way that makes people ask what I’ve been smoking. My actions are how I keep the memory of my son alive; it is how my wish has been granted.

    If you or a loved one is stuck in the “why,” let it go—it simply doesn’t exist. It’s time to live in the “how.”

  • The Most Powerful Way to Resolve Conflicts in Relationships

    The Most Powerful Way to Resolve Conflicts in Relationships

    “The heart is like a garden: it can grow compassion or fear, resentment or love. What seeds will you plant there?” ~Jack Kornfield

    I was all set to float effortlessly through life on a cloud of peace. I was trained mediator, had a Masters Degree in Peace Education, led workshops on constructively managing conflicts, and had a lifelong interest in creating interpersonal understanding. Yet, here I was, ready to wring his neck.

    I’ve found it’s always easier to help others solve their conflicts than it is to deal with your own—there’s none of that pesky “emotional intensity” or “personal baggage” getting in the way.

    People sought me out for help with their conflicts, but when I felt attacked or threatened, it was suddenly a whole other ball game.

    When we first started dating, I found that there were things that my husband would do or say that left me feeling really upset, and my responses definitely weren’t constructive. Embarrassingly, my go-to was “the silent treatment.” Sigh.

    Logically, I knew better. More importantly, I had spent years building the skills to do better. So, why wasn’t I using what I knew?

    Simple answer: I didn’t want to. All the skills, knowledge, and tools in the world mean nothing if I lacked the intention to use them.

    So, then the next obvious question is: Why didn’t I want to?

    In conflict literature, there’s a term called a “retaliatory spiral.” As humans, we have a tendency to retaliate to hostile behavior with an even higher level of hostility, thus escalating the conflict.

    Furthermore, even if neither person wants an escalation, each one feels entirely justified in their response, based on how they were treated. It’s the same principle as giving someone “a taste of their own medicine,” and it leads to conflicts that spiral out of control, becoming harder and harder to resolve.

    Clearly this kind of behavior is destructive, yet we’ve all done it at some point and have probably felt pretty justified in doing so.

    See, some kinds of conflict threaten our sense of self. The fact that another person seems to have the power to hurt us makes us feel weak, unstable, and unsafe.

    In order to defend this sense of self and feel stronger, we may attempt demonstrate our own power to hurt them back. Mature? No. Helpful? Definitely not. Kind of understandable? Yes.

    Personally, I hated how vulnerable I felt when my husband did something that hurt my feelings. I felt scared that he had the power to make me feel so upset.

    Giving him the cold shoulder felt like a way to hide this “weakness” and assert my own power to hurt him. It also was a way to protect my ego, because by not talking things out I could avoid challenging my current belief system, thus maintaining the belief that I was right and he was wrong.

    So even though I had all the hard-earned communication and conflict resolution skills I needed to work through the problem, create increased communication, and build understanding, I wasn’t going to use them; creating increased understanding and connection wasn’t my intention. My intention was to defend myself. So that’s exactly what I did.

    The problem was that by focusing on defending myself, I was basically putting all my energy into avoiding what I didn’t want—pain and suffering—instead of into creating what I actually did want. Deep down, I wanted way more than simply not getting hurt, but I wasn’t working toward it.

    What I desired was a relationship of trust, honesty, and openness; one where we each had the courage to share what we were really feeling, and would listen to one another with an intent to understand rather than judge. One where we would have compassion for each other’s failings and work to strengthen one another (even when we were upset) rather than tear each other down.

    This was the future I really wanted for us, and I knew that my current responses to our conflicts, while easy and comfortable, weren’t going to get us there.

    So I started to shift my intention. Instead of having it be about protecting myself in the moment, my intention became to respond to conflicts in a way that would set a foundation for the kind of beautiful future relationship I envisioned.

    It was only then that I was able to start putting all my conflict resolution knowledge and skills to use.

    That isn’t to say that it was easy. Actually, it was hard, especially in the beginning.

    It required me opening up when I felt most vulnerable. Moving toward, when I wanted to retreat. Taking responsibility for my part, when I wanted to dump the blame on him. Trying to listen with compassion when I felt frustrated or fed up. But, with a clear intention in mind, I did all these things and more.

    Now, looking back, I’m so glad I did.

    Today, one of the things my husband and I most prize about our relationship is the way we communicate with one another, especially during conflicts. We do all the things I had envisioned when I first set my intention, and I feel a huge sense of accomplishment in knowing that this was no accident, but something we consciously created.

    Intentions can be conscious or unconscious, but everything you say or do will be based on an intention.

    We all have a lower self that operates mainly from a place of fear, weakness, and limitations; and a higher self, one operating from a place of love, strength, and creativity. Before engaging in a conflict, I recommend setting a clear intention that is aligned with your values and the desires of your higher self.

    Here’s some questions I ask myself in order to do this. I call it the “Where, Who, What, How” model.

    Where is my focus? Is it short-term or long-term? Is it based in love or fear?

    Who do I want to be? What kinds of qualities do I want to embody?

    What do I want to create?

    How do I want others to perceive or describe me?

    —

    What’s helped you work through conflict in your relationships?

  • Learning to Speak Up: You Deserve to Meet Your Needs

    Learning to Speak Up: You Deserve to Meet Your Needs

    “Ask for what you want. Give other people the opportunity to say ‘yes.’ Stop saying ‘no’ for them. “ ~Roger Ellerton

    I never realized until very recently exactly how hard it’s been for me to speak up for my needs. To ask for what I require and want. I honestly don’t know how I’ve navigated through life.

    Let me rephrase that: I’ve managed life by being very passive, ignoring my own desires. Then that small grain of resentment would build into frustration, and I would explode.

    I became a fiery and angry woman. I expressed my needs in a destructive manner, ranting and raving and writing emotional emails and text messages. It’s no wonder people didn’t take me seriously or listen!

    “Tammy’s having a freak out,” they’d say, or “Tammy’s in a mood.”

    This only compounded my anger and frustration.

    What a vicious cycle I was living. Inner peace was difficult when I couldn’t ask people for what I required. I’m not talking about needs like asking for the salt across the table. I’m talking about emotional needs, financial needs, and needs in the workplace and in relationships.

    If I was speaking up on behalf of someone else, that was easy for me. It just wasn’t easy for me to express my needs.

    This revelation about this pattern has become crystal clear over the past few weeks, and more so the past few days.

    Hubby and I have renovations being done, with a big monetary investment. The tiling was not acceptable. There were big gaps. Some were not aligned properly. Some were jutting out over others. It was not flush. It was not up to our expectations or in alliance with the money we paid.

    Something had to be said. I work from home, so I’m the one to communicate our dissatisfaction. A fear came over me. I felt physically sick. I didn’t want to hurt the tiler’s feelings.

    He’s a nice young man and is very pleasant to chat with. However, the work wasn’t up to standard. How could I say this? My goodness, how my stomach churned, and my head began to ache.

    I didn’t have time to be passive (which is my normal pattern—to let things slide). This is a building site, and if I wait, it will be much too late, and we’ll be stuck with shoddy work. I had to speak up.

    This broke my lifelong pattern of suppressing my emotions, needs, and desires. With no anger, resentment, or bitterness built up, my communication was much more relaxed, loving, and friendly. I was able to write initially and then discuss our concerns in a very amicable and approachable manner.

    Although I was nervous and anxious, time restraints forced me to take immediate action to remedy the situation. What a beautiful lesson from the universe.

    Needless to say, because I was able to bring up our issues and concerns lovingly at the moment the problem arose, they were resolved quickly. Can you imagine if I’d waited until I was so angry and upset that I exploded?

    Can you imagine how the people would have reacted if I fell into my usual pattern of waiting until I crack? I know from experience that it would not have been friendly or helpful. It would have spiraled out of control, with everyone feeling negative and horrible.

    What insight for me! I never realized my issues came back to me being unable or unwilling to speak up for what I needed.

    I surmise this comes from observing my mother growing up, who is a meek lady who’d much rather go without or put up with stuff to keep the peace. I also observed my father, who is volatile and more aggressive in nature. If things go wrong, his first reaction is anger, with a lot of swearing and cursing.

    Neither of these is the best model for coping with life, so I’ve developed my own way, which hasn’t served me well.

    The universe has given me a clear and concise lesson. It’s one that I’ve had many times over and failed to learn. The amount of incidences I can reflect upon and link to my inability to speak up for a need that wasn’t being met is staggering. Thank goodness the universe is patient. I’ve grappled with outbursts for years.

    I know I will overcome this issue. I will speak up lovingly, at the moment something is annoying me or not serving a need. I also know that the universe will provide me with many occasions to put into practice my newfound wisdom just to show me how far I’ve come.

    We are all capable of speaking up, and even the meekest person must learn to do it.

    When you suppress your true feelings, they don’t disappear or go away; they transform into something else. For me, they transform into explosive anger. Other people’s suppressed emotions manifest into depression, anxiety, or some other physical illness.

    A dear friend of mine gets mouth ulcers when she’s holding back her true opinions and not voicing them. It’s not healthy to “keep the peace” at all costs, and why should you?

    You are worth it, and you deserve things to be right for you. Speaking up for your needs does not make you a difficult person. It means you respect yourself and know that you deserve better than what you are receiving.

  • How to Stop Hurting When You Feel Like You’ve Been Wronged

    How to Stop Hurting When You Feel Like You’ve Been Wronged

    “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.” ~Christine Mason Miller

    Several months ago my partner’s father (we’ll call him D) verbally attacked me. A couple weeks later it happened again, except this time it was more aggressive and more personal.

    When I calmly told him that his behavior was unacceptable, he became angry and spent the next several months using every tool in his vast arsenal to put space between my partner and me.

    And for a while it worked.

    Suddenly I found myself constantly obsessed over the confrontation, playing it back in my head like a bad movie that wouldn’t quit. I was sad all the time over the continued aggression, as well as the loss of the illusions I had unconsciously subscribed to. (“But we’re a family!” and “It’s supposed to be different than this!”)

    Most importantly, though, I found myself removed from the happy, joyful person I was before. Instead, I was consumed by feeling angry, wronged, and resentful, seemingly unable to climb out of the hole of alienation and anger.

    We all want to be accepted, seen, and loved, but it’s hard to feel any of those things when we’re too busy feeling victimized or picked on.

    There’s no doubt that my partner’s father was out of line and that his behavior was disrespectful and hurtful, but there’s also no doubt that I allowed myself to be affected by it.

    We’ve all heard that nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what we need to know, and now that I’ve learned my lessons, I can tell you about some of the ways I was able to move past the anger and hurt:

    1. Remember that people who seek to make others miserable are miserable themselves.

    Most of us couldn’t imagine consciously attempting to tear down another human being through our words, and that’s because most of us are not in a place of such deeply rooted despair and self-loathing.

    I had a very hard time understanding the hurtful things D said to me, and for many months I insisted on making it about my own inadequacy and wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him.

    This went on until I came to understand that a person who is so accustomed to violence from within does not know how to function without creating external violence as well.

    Understanding this does not excuse the action of the aggressor, but by recognizing the source of the aggression, we can choose to extend compassion and understanding rather than returned aggression and venom.

    2. Just do right.

    As D’s attacks continued to get more and more violent, my partner’s family began to push me to appease D in order to smooth things over. The thing about this approach, however, is that although smoothing things over would’ve been expedient, it wasn’t exactly right; and as such, I didn’t want to do it.

    I wanted to hold out. I wanted to insist upon better treatment, yes, but mostly I felt the need to stay true to myself and to uphold my own moral standards. As author Maya Angelou has said, “Right may not be expedient, it may not be profitable, but it will satisfy your soul. It will give you the kind of protection that bodyguards cannot provide.” And, of course, she’s right.

    Part of freeing ourselves from the anger and resentment that surrounds negativity is to not allow ourselves to be altered by negativity. We may experience great external pressure to “go along to get along,” but, at the end of the day, it’s more important to act in a way that you can look back upon proudly.

    3. Set boundaries.

    It may seem like an oxymoron, but it is possible to establish and maintain compassionate boundaries. I couldn’t completely walk away from D because of his proximity and relationship to my partner, but I could make it very clear that I would not accept such attacks in the future.

    By making our mental, emotional, and physical space into a safe harbor, we can carefully control what is allowed to enter our hearts and minds.

    We might not be able to transform the person trying to harm us, and indeed it is not our job to do so, but by insisting upon the creation of a safe space, we make the tiny spot of earth upon which we stand a better place and consequently, we render ourselves less available for hurtful attacks in the future.

    4. Stay calm; stay true.

    I had to fight to stay calm many times during the months following D’s attacks. Part of me wanted so badly to return venom, but looking back, I’m glad I never did.

    As we all know, it’s easy to lose our heads when we are faced with an intensely emotional situation, especially one that feels like an assault on our dignity. But returning aggression for aggression ultimately does not serve us and, indeed, only serves to fuel the fire of the aggressor.

    The best thing we can do when we feel overwhelmed with intense emotion is to transport ourselves mentally to a place five years down the road, look back at the situation, decide what type of action would make us proud in the future, and then act that way.

    Getting angry might feel like a release in the moment, but that’s a false sense of righteousness. It’s better to state your truth quietly and calmly and remove yourself from the situation. By doing this, we refuse to allow ourselves to be transformed by the intensity of the emotions; instead, we act in a way that allows us to feel good about our actions, which is the first step to healing from the initial hurt.

    5. Only do the work that is yours.

    One of the toughest lessons I learned is that I couldn’t “fix” the situation, because the situation involved a lot more than just me. I wanted my partner to protect me. I wanted his family to respect me for standing my ground. I wanted a lot of things, and I made myself crazy trying to get them for months.

    It was only after I realized that I was waiting for someone else to “fix it” that I was finally able to let go.

    I realized, finally, that if I was going to feel safe and respected and loved, it had to come from within.

    If the boundaries were going to be set, I had to be the one to set them. If the safe space was going to be created, I had to be the one to create it. If a demand for better behavior was going to be made, I had to be the one to make it. Furthermore, I had to be the one to behave better.

    So, I started actively chasing the things that made me feel happy and safe: I invested myself fully in the beginning steps of a career that I love. I spent more time with friends and my family. I cooked huge meals for nobody but myself. I read ravenously. I went to therapy. I took long walks. And this is where the healing came from.

    It’s inevitable that other people will hurt us. We can’t avoid it, and we don’t even need to understand it entirely; all we need to do is learn to take care of ourselves when it does happen. We cannot change the actions or perceptions of other people, but we can change how we respond to them.

    We can choose not to harbor anger and resentment; we can choose to forgive and to walk away. We can focus on the things that make us feel safe and happy and devote ourselves to nurturing those relationships and hobbies.

    We can use the negativity of others to become stronger, happier, and more complete. We can rewrite the ending.

  • Overcoming Excuses and Believing in What You Can Do

    Overcoming Excuses and Believing in What You Can Do

    Sunrise Acrobatics

    “Your belief determines your action and your action determines your results, but first you have to believe.” ~Mark Victor Hansen

    I still remember how I felt crossing the finish line after my first 10K race. I was elated. I felt like I could conquer anything.

    I realize that for all you marathon runners, 10K may not seem like a big deal. But for me, it was monumental. Up until the two years prior to running my first race, the only running I did was in gym class (and only after trying anything I could think of to get out of it).

    But somehow, one of my good friends convinced me to give it another shot. We enrolled in a “Learn to run” class. I have to admit, I felt pretty embarrassed taking a class that promised to teach me how to run. Shouldn’t I already know how to run?

    But I showed up and I participated. For the first “run,” we practiced running one minute, then walking for two minutes. I thought I was going to die. Running for one minute felt excruciating. It wasn’t that I was out of shape. I went to the gym regularly. I tried to take care of myself.

    But running—that was totally different. It felt impossible. Unachievable. I wanted to quit. I was not a runner after all. Why was I even doing this? What was I trying to prove?

    But somehow, I found myself showing up for the next run. And the next run. And the next. Each time we added an extra minute of running, and less walking.

    As we reached five minutes of running to one minute of walking, I had an epiphany. Running five minutes felt challenging, no question there, but I realized that it felt just as challenging as running one minute did. In fact, it felt exactly the same; I had to push myself in exactly the same way to run five minutes as I did to run one minute.

    As we worked our way up to running ten minutes straight, I realized that this strange phenomenon was still true. Running for ten minutes felt just as hard as running for five minutes. Or, if I switched things around, running for ten minutes was no harder than running for five minutes.

    This switch completely changed everything. I had started out believing that I wasn’t a runner, and that running was too challenging for me. After all, I struggled to run one minute straight. Now, just a few weeks later, I was running ten minutes straight for a total of five kilometers.

    I realized the power that my thoughts had over my abilities, and how by taking small steps to push myself outside of my comfort zone, I was able to completely change how I thought of myself.

    I no longer thought of myself as unable to run. I was now a runner. And as long as I continued to stretch, there was no limit to what I could do. I pushed through and ran my first 10K race the following year.

    I don’t want to pretend that the whole process was easy, or that there weren’t challenges along the way. Each time I came to a plateau, I had to really challenge myself to go just a little further until that new place felt comfortable.

    I learned to celebrate the small victories along the way. I learned that running really is 90% mental.

    The most important piece of this whole experience, however, was learning that I was unknowingly placing restrictions on what I can accomplish. Where else had I decided I “just wasn’t good at that”? Where else was I failing to push myself out of my comfort zone?

    Now, as a business owner, I can see the same process repeating itself. I’ve exposed myself and my work for everyone to see. I’m vulnerable. I wonder if I have what it takes. I come up with excuses for why I can’t show up, just like I did in gym class.

    But this time I know that I have conquered this mental crap before, and I can do it again. It’s not easy, but I can push myself—take those small steps each day—until I reach my goals. I can celebrate the small victories along the way. I know that it is 90% mental, and I’m ready.

    I would invite you to take a look at your life and ask yourself where you’re not showing up fully. For me, this shows up as excuses and stories that I tell myself and others when I feel challenged. It shows up as self-made boundaries that keep me feeling small and safe.

    It isn’t until you begin to recognize your own sabotaging behavior that you are able to start shifting your beliefs. Once you start believing in yourself, you’re able to take those small steps forward that previously felt overwhelming or insurmountable.

    Pay attention to the stories that you are telling yourself. These are the stories that become your reality. These are the stories that have the potential to write your future.

    “Believe in yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Have faith in your own abilities, work hard, and there is nothing you cannot accomplish.” ~Brad Henry

    Photo by Zach Dischner

  • A Simple Way to Avoid Hurting Other People

    A Simple Way to Avoid Hurting Other People

    “Don’t let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace.” ~Dalai Lama

    The most straightforward advice I can suggest to make real concrete changes in your life is to practice causing no harm to anyone—yourself or others.

    Try it for a day. Or two. How about a week? You will probably find that it’s harder than you think. Before you know it, someone has triggered you, and either directly or indirectly, you’ve caused harm.

    I am a successful psychotherapist and conscious woman, and I’m also committed to transparency. No more hiding behind the therapist’s veil for me. The one that projects enlightenment and hides the truths of being human.

    With that said, I happen to be a bit controlling. Take a moment and imagine yourself at a Twelve Step meeting. “Hello. My name is Carrie Dinow, and I am addicted to control.”

    It’s really helpful to get to know the ways you cause harm, much like you would a lover in the early stages of a romance when every part of you wants to know the other. You definitely want to get to know your own inner ‘others,’ the pained shadow parts of yourself that can live buried below the surface.

    The ways we cause harm can show up like fifty shades of grey, so the more intimate you can be with your own particular expression, the greater chance you have to let go. Like being overly invested in how many men join my husband’s camping weekend.

    The most obvious expressions, of course, appear as control, blame, withdrawal, and lashing out. With a little gossip and lying on the side.

    What is your harm of no choice?

    You’ve heard the fairy tale about the toads. It involves a princess who, when angered, would start to say mean words, and toads would actually come out of her mouth.

    How many times I have said to myself, “Do not say a word. Keep your mouth shut. It will only cause harm.” Despite our good and sincere intentions, most of us wrestle with our own toads. I know I have.

    I find that I am just like the Buddha—as long as I’m alone. It’s a lot easier to keep my mouth shut when it’s just me, myself, and I. Add a husband (even one of the best ones on the planet) and highly persistent daughter (the love of my loves), and all bets are off.

    The other night my daughter was extremely persistent, keen on getting her way. My husband, who is a revered psychotherapist—adolescents being his specialty—wrestles with his own blaming toads. In the past, his toads would trigger my toads. And faster than you can say Jackie Robinson, we are consumed by a plague of harm.

    So what are the ways for holding our seat, and for making sure the toads of control and blame don’t fly out of our mouths? The one I have found most impactful of all is to just shut up. No matter what, don’t scratch the itch. That’s all! Mmmm….

    That’s one reason I meditate. To court my inner toads and free me from my learned drug of no choice—control. It’s profoundly humbling to sit with my own thoughts, and to sit with an itch and not scratch it, without an escape clause.

    The practice of returning over and over to my breath allows me the choice of whether or not I stay attached to this addiction. When conflict arises or tones don’t meet my approval rating, I have more of a choice of how I want to react.

    Letting go of this lifelong relationship to control allows me to tolerate others’ behavior. No longer a feather in the wind at the mercy of someone else’s emotional breath, my need to escape the scene when things don’t go my way seems to be calming, mostly.

    After many years, meditation has become my new drug of choice. It offers me a chance to pause so I can actively engage in letting go of my control which, in my household, reduces the harm. The benefits are a lot like cooking with Teflon; things don’t seem to stick as much.

    What does it take to change the habitual response and to keep your mouth from spewing poisonous toads? To begin a different practice with yourself? One that honors letting the moment pass without responding to it?

    Most of us could use some basic tips on on how to loosen the grip on our well-ingrained habits of striking out and blaming.
 Each time we lash out with aggressive words and actions, we are strengthening the toad pool. And, the internal scoreboard can start to look like Anger 10, Patience 2.

    In the game of life, we can become easily irritated by the reactions of others. However, each time someone provokes us, we have a chance to do something different, to tend to our own reactions. Either we can strengthen old habits or we can take a moment to pause.
 That’s what it takes, a big fat pause.

    Did you know that patience is the antidote to anger? Learning to pause can help us develop our patience. When we begin to pause instead of retaliating, even if it’s only briefly, we are starting to loosen the pattern of causing harm.

    Have you ever noticed that much of the suffering comes from the escalation from that one moment when someone comes at you with a tone or says something that hurts your feelings, or has an opinion you absolutely don’t agree with? It’s what we do with that one moment to the next that can imprison or free us.

    Each time the toads escape us, we escalate our aggression and solidify our harm habit, which makes it a bit more difficult to calm the waters. If we learn to sit still with the restlessness and the sensations of anger, we can begin to tame and strengthen our mind.

    If only we could pause. Give it a try. No harm done.

  • More Is Not Always Better: Being Grateful for What Is

    More Is Not Always Better: Being Grateful for What Is

    Gratitude

    “It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratitude that makes us joyful.” ~David Rast

    Every New Years Eve I make a list of resolutions that I never keep up with and it just makes me feel guilty every time I don’t. Lose ten pounds, get more involved, go to the gym, develop better relationships.

    Every year I aspire to be more, do more, get more, never living within the present moment.

    My stress to do more comes into play in every aspect of my life. The stress of joining more clubs comes from the competitive environment of school. I am in constant stream of uncertainty. How do I find the balance, solitude, and the calmness in life? 

    I traveled to Puerto Rico with my family for last Christmas. I found that I had been thinking about the semester that lied ahead and what I was going to do to rise above my peers, although I was already involved in four different student organizations and was doing great in school.

    As I sat on the beach, in paradise, on New Year’s Eve, I couldn’t help it. I was starting to form the list I had visited and revisited year after year.

    This was the first time I had spent New Year’s with my family in a while. 

    We enjoyed a fancy dinner of steak and wine and fine desserts, the conversation poured openly as the four of us enjoyed each other’s company. I had missed these times as I was away at college and these moments became few and far between.

    We decided to skip the fancy party the resort provided and went back to our room instead. We watched from our balcony all of the guests in fancy dresses, possibly pretending to have more fun then they actually were having.

    They snapped pictures for Facebook and Instagram, showing everyone at home what they were missing. I asked myself, “What is this all about?” 

    As the thought danced around my head, there came the countdown until the New Year. Ten… nine… eight… I looked around at my family and everything I needed was right there.

    Seven… six… five… I didn’t need to add more to my resume, I didn’t have to join more clubs, I didn’t need to stress about what the future may hold.

    Four… three… two… It finally hit me all I needed was one… One thing on my list: to be grateful. 

    Fireworks started to go off over the water. As I looked around at my family and we wished each other a Happy New Year, colors collided and clashed in the sky, the crackles and booming shaking my light heart.

    We are told about appreciating the moment and being truly grateful, I have read countless books about it; however, I never fully grasped it until this very moment. It authenticated what it really meant.

    I was overcome with a sense of comfort and gratitude for everything I had been given in the past year. I had overcome a rough time and I had not allowed myself congratulations for that.

    I had not been able to see clearly all of the things I had been blessed with, like my wonderful family, my great friends I had made at school and the friendships I had kept from home, and especially my health, which had not been the greatest the previous year.

    That is when I made this promise to myself.

    As I watched the fireworks and looked at the loving faces around me, I remembered that in one the books that had changed my life the past summer, it was suggested to practice gratitude every day.

    Make a jar and put one thing you are grateful for in it every night before you go to sleep. That is what I did when I got home; I painted my gratitude jar, along with one for each member of my family.

    Every night I scribble down something I am most grateful for. Sometimes I am grateful for time spent with family, other times I am grateful for my extra ten minutes of sleep in the morning, and sometimes I am grateful for a night out with friends.

    We have so much to be grateful for and so much to honor within ourselves. We just need to take the time to do so.

    Photo by Yoga4Love

  • Releasing Negative Beliefs: How Letting Go Sets Us Free

    Releasing Negative Beliefs: How Letting Go Sets Us Free

    Free

    “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” ~Andre Gide

    I have walked on water.

    The frozen wasteland known as Chicago had kept me inside, wary of the intense cold that was breaking records that particularly frigid winter. But after interminable snow days, I began to feel like a caged animal that needed to break free.

    I woke early one morning, overcome with the urgent need to connect to something living, something wild. I wrapped myself in countless layers like the kid in The Christmas Story and ventured out into the urban tundra. I felt compelled to walk to the beach that was a few miles from my house.

    An eerie, otherworldly feeling washed over me as I walked, achingly aware of the stark, endless whiteness all around me. The world itself felt as it was hung in frozen suspension and apprehension. Everything seemed to be hushed in reverence.

    When I reached the shore, I was hyper aware of the need to maintain a safe distance from the water, but I felt compelled to get as close as possible.

    As I moved forward across the frozen sand, I tried to gauge exactly where the land ended by using various items as points of reference—a fence, a wooden bench, a recycling bin. I inched my way toward the lake until there were no more reference points, and then became as still as the land beneath me. Or what I thought was land.

    I looked down at my feet and realized I was standing on a frozen wave, not a snow covered sand dune as I originally thought. I had walked out too far. I could both hear and feel the movement of the wave beneath my feet.

    I felt a juxtaposition of fear, exhilaration, and an overwhelming sense of weightlessness. My first instinct was to run, but I wasn’t sure of my footing. I was terrified that if I shifted my weight too quickly, I might fall through. I had no idea how deep the water was where I stood.

    At that moment I zeroed in on my true purpose for coming to the water. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a little bag filled with small strips of paper like confetti. On each one I had written something I wished to release from my life.

    • The fear that I will never find the type of love I want and need.
    • The commitment to being alone.

    I opened the bag to the wind, letting the belief-covered papers flutter out over the frozen lake. I did this quickly because I sensed the danger to my body on that unstable surface, and the danger to my heart if I held onto those stories a moment longer.

    With my task completed, I gingerly walked back to solid land. I let out a deep breath and knew so much had been released with those papers still floating on the wind.

    That moment on a frozen lake taught me a few very important things about surrender.

    • Surrender is about vulnerability and receptivity.
    • The opposite of surrender is resistance and control.
    • And it all comes down to fear and trust.

    I realized that my heart had become like that lake. A living thing that is supposed to flow, constricted by a lack of warmth and space into a frozen and dangerous place.

    One of the ways we keep our hearts frozen is by holding on to negative beliefs. These beliefs may be seem like they are about others or life in general. Usually, however, they are based on our perceptions. Negative beliefs are born from our wounds and stories.

    Eventually, every life experience becomes colored by these beliefs. Everything we see, say, do, and even feel is filtered through these limitations, judgment, patterns, conditionings, and doubt. The sad and scary part is that these beliefs tend to hide themselves in our subconscious, making us think that we are acting from free will.

    We may not even be conscious that we are holding on to negative beliefs.

    Unconsciously, we begin to nurture our negative beliefs without even being aware that we are doing so. We feed them and help them grow by giving them energy. We affirm them by attracting experiences that validate their existence. This becomes a vicious cycle. Holding on to negative beliefs justifies our need to be right.

    Many of us hold on to our grievances and emotional scars with fierce protection. They become like badges of honor.

    We think that without our constant vigilance, the memory of our wounds or broken hearts will be forgotten. We believe that we are some how “honoring our personal story” by holding on. If we do not act as the constant “keeper of our wounds,” our suffering will have been in vain.

    But spring must come if life is to flourish again.

    We must allow our hearts to thaw. We need to frequently evaluate our belief structures and release the stories that no longer serve us.

    Releasing our attachment to our personal histories doesn’t invalidate the emotional pain we suffered. It doesn’t mean that the defenses and barriers we erected to protect ourselves weren’t based on a real need for self-preservation at those times. Instead, it means that we assimilate the lessons we have gained from the experience while loosening its ability to control our lives.

    Just like the coldness and bareness of winter allows the Earth to rejuvenate, and ultimately makes everything stronger, so too do our personal winters allow us to access our depths. Every wound makes us stronger as we heal it, and gives us greater access to our power.

    Letting go of beliefs puts a great responsibility on us. If we connect with our personal power we must give up the illusion that we are victims. We can longer view ourselves as passively vulnerable to the whims of others. We now must take responsibility for how our life unfolds.

    This realization is a lot scarier than standing on a frozen lake.

    To truly open our hearts, to truly wield our power, we must be willing to participate in life.

    This requires both owning our part in situations and allowing experiences to unfold as they will. Accepting others’ actions and emotions without making them fit into some box as a hero or demon. And especially releasing our mental constructs about how life should be, what we should or should not be doing, and how other people should interact with us.

    Releasing expectations and resistance is one of the most empowering acts of life. Resisting what is can be emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. We get stuck in patterns that begin to define how we interact with the world. And even though they are painful, because they are familiar and usually hidden, we can stay stuck for years.

    I had developed many of my beliefs to protect myself after a series of breakups and broken hearts.

    I convinced myself that believing I wasn’t worthy of love was safer than opening myself up to the possibility of love. If I never opened my heart to anyone, I would never be disappointed or have to experience the excruciating pain of heartache.

    I was keeping myself lonely and cut off from life. Trying to protect myself from pain, I was actually constantly hurting myself more.

    When I finally relaxed enough to let go of my old beliefs, my life began to flow with greater ease and grace.

    I walked out onto that frozen water because I needed to have a close encounter with life. I needed to let the primal elements cleanse me of my outmoded ways of being.

    I went beyond the fear and conditioning because, finally, being alive mattered more than being comfortable. Now I recognize that I must trust that life will always provide the situations and experiences required for my evolution. And that surrender is the only way to be free.

    Photo by Andi_Graf

  • Making Your Passion Your Career (Despite the Naysayers)

    Making Your Passion Your Career (Despite the Naysayers)

    Painter

    “Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become.” ~Chris Hadfield, astronaut

    As a kid, you put zero thought into doing what you loved.

    You simply played, not knowing that your future self wouldn’t play that much at all. Work was serious business.

    When I was in kindergarten, our classroom had a block center, a board game shelf, a home center with dolls and a play stove, a drawing center, and a sand table.

    We naturally gravitated to the area that was most fun, with no thought about what would look good on our future resumes or college applications.

    As far back as I can remember, making up stories, writing them down, and telling them to anyone that would listen were my favorite activities.

    Fast forward to high school, then college.

    It’s Time to be an Adult

    Others told me that writing and art were lovely little hobbies, but I needed to choose a real career, something that would make money. I looked around to see what the other kids would do, trying to spark an idea. If it wasn’t writing, I was clueless.

    I never thought of asking, “Why not?” Why couldn’t writing be a career? I just accepted that a job or career had to be something you made a realistic, intellectual choice about, and not one that came from your heart.

    And I wasn’t the only one who received messages like this. I heard Oprah say that as a child she was asked what she thought she would do as a career.

    She said, “Well, I like talking to people.”

    The person responded, “Well, you can’t make money doing that.”

    7 Failed Careers Later

    Years later, after I was told I couldn’t make a career out of writing, I ended up with a resume that was four pages long and days that were like a yearlong run-on sentence.

    I plowed through job after job, staring out the windows and riding the trains I hated to jobs I hated even more. I did a good job at most of them and earned a nice income.

    I was a school secretary, lifeguard, pre-school assistant, mortgage processor, office manager, dance teacher, and a few others I can’t remember. I taught sewing classes and even started two businesses thinking that being my own boss would solve my empty feelings.

    It didn’t.

    A Return to Love

    Then I reached a turning point and realized I needed to go back to doing what I loved and make it work somehow.

    I had a week off work and found myself writing from morning to night. I felt my headaches lifting and a sense of peacefulness developing. I submitted an essay to a local newspaper. The publication didn’t accept it, but I didn’t care.

    I knew it was time to make my passion my day job, and here is what I did.

    The next time I was asked what type of work I did, for the first time in my life, I answered, “I’m a writer.”

    I began to read everything I could about writers and bloggers who wrote for a living, how they did it, and how they transitioned from other jobs. I wrote daily because I loved it.

    No worries about publication or earning money from my passion, just pure unadulterated love. I decided not to lose hope no matter what.

    I responded to an online ad for writing work and got the gig. Though I was only writing a few blog posts for $25 each, it felt like a million dollars.

    So my kids started wearing their cousins’ hand-me-down clothes. I held my breath as I tightened my belt until I could barely breathe. The fridge had the bare basics, the electricity got shut off once, and the car got towed and it was a pain to get it back. But I managed.

    I took a course on writing, joined a business mastermind group, and worked with a mentor on writing during the mornings. I worked evenings and weekends to support myself.

    I was writing at last.

    Do you recognize your passion? Not hobbies or things you like doing for fun sometimes—the one thing that rises above all. Think back to what you loved to do as a child, what you gravitated toward for no reason other than fun, and you will find it.

    Are you ready to say yes? Turn your passion into a career one step at a time with the following tips.

    1. Tell one stranger.

    Even before you’re working at making your passion your day job or income source, go ahead and tell someone that you’re a _______. (Fill in the blank). At any chance you get, do it again.

    2. Obsess over it.

    Move your passion from the back burner of your mind to the front. Think about it every chance you get if you’re not already doing so. Read about people who have successfully transitioned into the work you want to be doing.

    3. Do it for love.

    Whatever your passion, forget about making it into a career until you spend enough time reveling in the absolute joy of doing it. Paint, write, dance, take photos, carve wood, whatever it may be for love and only love.

    4. Hope above all.

    Decide that you will never give up hope.

    5. Shout it out loud.

    Put an ad out or tell people that you are willing to do some work in your field of passion for pay or for free.

    6. Wear the tightest belt ever.

    Pull. Tight, if you must (if funds are an issue). I hate this part, but there’s no getting around this. See where you could take some funds from one budget and put it toward a course or mentor so you are not doing this alone.

    One person inspires another. If you are already pulled tight, reach out for a mentor or learn from free resources and YouTube videos.

    7. Forget “Easy does it.”

    Easy doesn’t do it. Period. You’ll face challenges, and resistance from yourself and others. Do it anyway.

    Goodbye Naysayers

    Whoever told you that you couldn’t turn your passion into a career had better sit down, because you may be on your way to doing just that. The girl with the pretty voice from the Bronx, the English writer on the train on welfare, the guy with the alcoholic step dad that became President.

    And now you.

    Stop Looking at the Odds of Failing

    The odds against successfully turning your passion into a career and making money from it seem so overwhelming. So stop looking at the odds.

    The longing of not doing what you are meant to do catches up to you, and it becomes like a faraway lover that you dream of, that will never return.

    The power is in your hands to make it happen day by day, and to blow the naysayers a kiss from the podium. Every moment of the journey is, in fact, an end result in itself.

    You will glow from internal approval, even if the money doesn’t come as fast and as much as you would like.

    Reclaim the act of doing your passionate work as your career, as if happiness depended upon it.

    Because it does.

    Photo by Garry Knight