Tiny Buddha

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  • We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

    We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

    Woman with Open Arms

    “We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving…Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” ~Alexander McCall Smith

    We all know the importance of giving. In fact, it feels rather nice to give to others; we have all experienced that warm glow in the stomach when we do something thoughtful for another person or exchange kind words. To make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.

    But sometimes, do we get so caught up in the giving that we forget to receive? And in doing so, do we give too much?

    I have always been a people pleaser.

    My parents were divorced when I was five years old. It was a complicated situation, one that I didn’t fully understand as a child.

    My sister and I grew up with our grandparents, having contact with our dad during holidays, while the contact with our mum dwindled down to nothing.

    I hadn’t realized until recently that my five-year-old self felt completely abandoned by my parents. We never talked about the situation as a family; feelings were not something you shared, so they stayed bottled up.

    I grew up with the belief, deep down, that my parents left me because I wasn’t good enough.

    As a consequence, I tried my best to be as agreeable as I could to everyone around me. This meant having no opinion, going along with what others wanted all the time, not communicating my needs, and trying my best not to upset anyone.

    Then maybe, I would be good enough to love. This was pretty exhausting.

    I developed OCD for a period of time, frequently staying in the bathroom for hours, performing hand-washing rituals until my hands were raw and brushing my teeth until my gums bled.

    If I performed these rituals, bad things wouldn’t happen anymore. My granddad, who developed terminal cancer, eventually gave up his battle to the disease after a long period of suffering, and the rituals stopped.

    Instead, I sunk further into depression.

    As a result of my negative thinking patterns and my deeply held beliefs, I fell into a series of damaging relationships.

    Just wanting to be loved, by them, by anyone, I desperately tried to make things work with guys who were either not right for me or, more often than not, emotionally unavailable. I was replicating the relationships that I had known from my childhood.

    Relationships are equal give and take, not the constant giving that I had developed in the hope of making people love me back. Instead, ironically, this pushed people away.

    The thing was, I was desperately looking for love, when deep down, I didn’t like let alone love myself. Secretly, I believed I didn’t deserve to be loved. I wasn’t good enough for anyone; what could I offer to anyone?

    I would sleep with men early on in the relationship, figuring that giving my body was the only thing of worth that I could offer.

    It all came to a head when yet another relationship failed. Each time, the other person ended the relationship, which dealt a blow to my already fragile sense of self-esteem.

    I’d slide into depressive episodes with scary frequency, when I would cry constantly, finding it a mammoth task to even just get out of bed, having no interest in life and isolating myself from people.

    Then one day, I had serious thoughts of ending my life. It was then that I knew it was time to change.

    Reaching out and receiving the help I needed was the best decision of my life. I spoke to my GP who referred me on to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy counsellor.

    This time, I was completely honest about what I was feeling; I told them about the suicidal thoughts, about not wanting to be here anymore so I wouldn’t feel the constant pain.

    It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was able to tell them everything. I have had counselling before, but it hadn’t been right for me. Like most things, you need to keep trying until you find what speaks to you.

    CBT, which challenges negative thoughts, helped me to realize that I was automatically thinking negatively. It showed me that my thoughts were not fact. I started to understand about my deeply held beliefs, which colored everything I thought.

    Above all, it showed me that I actually had needs and wants; there were things that I wanted to do with my time and not just go along passively with other peoples’ decisions.

    In giving all my time and attention to others and not taking the time to receive back from them, I was hiding from the fact that I didn’t feel I was worth other peoples’ efforts.

    I was hiding from myself that I had deep-rooted issues that needed to be dealt with—and that I needed people to help me to do this.

    There are a few things that I have learned through therapy:

    1. Show yourself that you are worth caring for by starting to care for yourself.

    A tendency of people pleasers is to give relentlessly without a thought for themselves. Take time for yourself, pamper yourself—do something kind for yourself each day.

    2. Allow others to help you when it is needed, and don’t be scared to reach out.

    You can start with small things, like asking a friend to pick up a parcel for you when they are passing the shop.

    3. Surround yourself with people who help make you feel good about yourself.

    I’m so lucky to have an incredibly supportive and loving sister who listens to me and helps when times are tough as well as good. Spend as much time as possible with people who reinforce your self-worth, not bring it down.

    4. Say “no” occasionally.

    It’s important to assess what your needs and wants are and communicate these with people. Saying “no” sometimes does not make you selfish; it means you are taking care of yourself, and you will attract more respect from others as a result.

    5. Keep a positive journal.

    Note anything that happens that makes you feel good—positive feedback from a boss, a kind word from your friend, a compliment from a stranger—and remember to accept these, not dismiss them.

    6. Think about what you want from life.

    Think about what makes you tick and therefore a more contented person, able to receive from others.

    I’ve discovered my passion for photography, which has built up my confidence and therefore lessened my need to please people all the time.

    7. Don’t be scared to have an opinion.

    Occasionally, we really don’t mind either way. But if you do genuinely have an opinion on something, don’t be scared to speak up. People want to know the real you, not someone you think they want.

    —

    I am working through this journey of self-discovery, and no doubt, always will be.

    I am learning to accept the good things that people do for me and the kind words they say. I’ve realized that you don’t have to be perfect for people to love you. You don’t have to constantly give for people to want to spend time with you.

    I am enough.

    For the first time in my life, I’m devoting the time and attention I normally would reserve solely for other people to myself. You don’t want to forget about others, but you also don’t want to forget about yourself.

    In doing so, I’m building up my sense of self-worth and becoming more able to accept love from others. And just maybe, I’m also letting that other person feel a warm glow in their stomach too.

    Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock

  • Radically Accept What Is Instead of Labeling it “Good” or “Bad”

    Radically Accept What Is Instead of Labeling it “Good” or “Bad”

    Peaceful Woman

    “The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” ~Tara Brach

    I was in the heart of my Ph.D. program when I received the diagnoses: OCD, depression, and binge eating disorder.

    It explained a lot, of course. All those years of anxiety, self-doubt, and intrusive thoughts were not normal after all. Eating to the point of gaining forty pounds in a few months was foreign to most people.

    I wanted an explanation. Why me?

    I had done everything right: I made a decent living, I was kind to everyone, and I was presenting my scientific research at international conferences. Why was I being punished?

    I turned to my past and looked for an explanation—something I could pin the blame on. Was it my parents? Had years of moving from place to place as a military child scarred me?

    What about my peers? Those uncomfortable years of being teased and bullied for my grades and general good-girl behavior must have led to this.

    Perhaps I was to blame? Had I overachieved my way to a mental health breakdown? Had I failed myself?

    Those first few months of therapy were the most difficult. I was forced to face all these questions and more, digging into my past and present with both fervor and hesitation. What if I didn’t like the person I found underneath all these layers of expectations?

    As I stripped away the beliefs I held about myself, I watched as my worst fears came to life. It appeared that I was to blame after all. I had allowed myself to take on everyone else’s feelings about me and make them my own.

    My self-identity was a conglomeration of things I had been told over the years. I was smart, I was capable, I was good, I was bossy, I was sweet, I was stubborn, and I was so many other adjectives.

    There was nothing inherently wrong with these descriptors, particularly the positive traits, but I didn’t necessarily relate to all of them.

    My family saw me as “a sweet girl,” when I felt more tart than saccharine.

    People told me I was book smart, when I knew that I was a good mix of both academic intelligence and common sense.

    Some who were uncomfortable with women in power called me bossy, when really I was assertive.

    I had brought this breakdown on myself, I thought. How could I have let others define who I would become? Why was I so weak?

    It was around this time that one of my therapists introduced me to the idea of radical acceptance.

    It’s a concept based in Buddhist philosophy that is used by psychologists to help their clients heal and accept challenges in their lives.

    Rather than encouraging us to decide whether something is good or bad, as we often do automatically, radical acceptance encourages us to simply accept that things are.

    We have a tendency to apply labels to things. In my story, I had been labeled as smart, an overachiever, a worrywart, and other things. In turn, I labeled my newfound mental health situation as a misfortune, a major obstacle, a life changer, and other (mostly negative) things.

    Imagine how much more freeing it would be to live a life apart from labels! The key to this mindset, of course, is to realize that your feelings about an event do not change the event itself.

    Let’s say you got into a car accident. You may feel angry, hurt, frustrated, and many other emotions. Those are all valid feelings, and you have a right to experience them.

    But your anger won’t undo the accident. The accident happened. The accident is.

    Let’s take this one step further, however.

    After the accident you become angry that you have become frustrated. How could you allow yourself to get worked up over something that you can no longer control?

    You can also attempt to radically accept your feelings.

    Your emotional reactions are natural, and it’s counterintuitive to get worked up over what you “should” be feeling. What you are feeling is neither a bad nor a good thing, it simply is.

    What situations might you apply radical acceptance to in your daily life?

    • You wake up later than you planned to.
    • Your cat throws up on your new rug.
    • You fail a test that you prepared for extensively.
    • Your partner overdrew the checking account.
    • You didn’t get the raise you were expecting at work.

    Imagine accepting each of these events as something outside your control and training yourself to not get worked up over unexpected circumstances.

    This is not an easy task, and it will take time to incorporate the practice into your daily life. Be gentle to yourself.

    —

    I dropped out of my Ph.D. program after my first year of therapy. My journey into my brain showed me that I was heading down a path that others had set for me, one that I had not bothered to ask myself about.

    This major change in my life was labeled by others. To outsiders, I was a quitter, I couldn’t handle the pressure of academia, and I was not living up to my potential.

    But for me, this was simply a change. It was neither good nor bad, it was merely different.

    Since my mental health breakdown, I’ve experienced a lot of changes, both in my life and in my career. Some of them have been good changes, and some of them have been bad.

    But I don’t allow myself to fall into that black-and-white thinking as easily anymore.

    I have learned to own my story and my circumstances, and I love myself more because of it.

    Change can be good; change can be bad. But, most often, change simply is.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Pushing Yourself: 10 Crucial Steps to Avoid Burnout

    Stop Pushing Yourself: 10 Crucial Steps to Avoid Burnout

    “I actually think burnout is the wrong description of it. I think it’s ‘burn up.’ Physiologically, that is what you are doing because of the chronic stress being placed on your body.” ~Richard Boyatzis

    Some years ago, when my mother told me that a friend of hers had experienced burnout, I didn’t really listen. Actually, I didn’t want to hear about it. I even felt irritated because she felt sorry for people who got burned out.

    My opinion was that they were just being ridiculous and exaggerating.

    It was an excuse, supported by a medical certificate from some doctor they knew well, so that they could stay home, plant basil in the garden, drink tea, and read good books in front of the fire. They were simply lazy folks who just couldn’t be bothered working.

    Some lessons are learned the hard way. Others, really hard. A last few change you for life.

    For me, burnout was life-changing; it turned my aggressive skepticism into factual knowledge. Almost annihilated by the beast of burnout, I’ve recovered, humbled and grateful to be alive.

    The other day I sat down and flipped through my journals from the past years. It was overwhelming. I felt so heartbreakingly sad for myself, for what I’ve put myself through.

    There was page after page of me worrying about alarming issues and symptoms I was experiencing, for a period of several years. There were lists of points I raised with my doctor, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He kept saying the same thing over and over, but it was impossible for me to take it in.

    He said, “Be careful, Mrs. Torneryd. You have all the symptoms of a textbook burnout.” My answer was always the same: “I cannot get burned out. It can’t happen to me; I’m not that type of person.”

    Some of the points from my diary:

    • When in bed, I can’t remember if I’ve brushed my teeth.
    • I feel panic while driving; other cars are getting too close to me.
    • My skin is a mess, and my hair looks dead.
    • I’ve experienced three double-sided pneumonias over the past eleven months.
    • I have constant ringing in my ears.
    • Even when I sleep, I don’t let my head rest on the pillow.
    • I wake up around twenty times per night (cramp, sweat, pee).
    • I feel pressure over my chest, and I can’t breathe properly.
    • My heart is very often offbeat.
    • My intestines are destroyed; I look eight months pregnant ten minutes after every meal. I even pooped myself in the super-market—with no premonition.
    • My gallstones are stuck in the bile duct, requiring surgery.

    I was in a constant state of “I can’t do this anymore,” but there was nothing major I could change for instant relief. It was a combination of circumstances: the aftermath of bad choices, my workload, and my competitive character.

    Every part of me—body, mind, and soul—was desperate to stop the life-drenching feeling of having nothing left in me to give or take from. I was wasted, worn-out, and destroyed.

    Even so, I just kept going, repeating to myself, “When you’re down and out, there’s always 20% of your strength left” (a quote from martial art trainer). And I kept using my remaining strength over and over again.

    People talk about “hitting the wall.” I hit that wall about five years ago—full speed, head first.

    Since then, I’ve been forcing forward through concrete, screws, electric wires, and bricks. Then it happened: I made it through that thick wall, only to realize that on the other side was nothing but a fathomless, evil black hole. I fell until I crash landed, and then there was nothing left of me.

    On the 17th of February 2014, my body collapsed. I had my first full-blown panic attack, immediately followed by a second one.

    At first, it felt like my spine muscle cramped. I tried stretching and rubbing against a door post, in vain. I couldn’t breathe properly.

    My lungs started pumping frenetically, and I could do nothing to stop it. It felt like I was suffocating. I seriously thought that I was having a heart attack and would die. Eventually, I passed out.

    I finally accepted the message my body had been trying to communicate to me for years—I needed to make monumental changes in my situation, then and there, or I would lose my sanity, at the least.

    For the first four weeks of my sick leave, I did nothing but sleep. It was not by choice. I simply collapsed—on the sofa, my bed, and even on the floor. I just couldn’t stay awake.

    After the sleep marathon came sadness. I felt so incredibly sad, alone, and abandoned. I felt betrayed by society and my employer.

    When I didn’t feel any more sadness, I started my healing journey to peace and acceptance and began reading self-help books. Every day I made an effort to rescue myself.

    Eventually, a shift took place. Step-by-step, I built myself a ladder, careful not to go back to the wall I’d fallen out of, and I started to see the light at the top of that horrid black hole.

    You don’t need to push yourself to this point—not if you follow these steps to avoid an imminent burnout:

    1. Accept your limits.

    It is not admirable to push yourself when your body and mind beg you to stop.

    2. Clarify major energy thieves and avoid them.

    Limit your contact with people who drain you, make hurtful comments, and complain. Pay your bills on time. Clean your home so you feel calm there, not stressed and surrounded by chaos. Eat fresh food and spend less time distracting yourself with technology.

    3. Value yourself first.

    Fear of rejection is also self-rejection; stop worrying about others’ opinions.

    4. Get support and perspective.

    Trust someone close with your feelings and challenges.

    5. Ask for help.

    It actually feels quite wonderful to receive.

    6. Make choices that are good for you and make you happier, healthier, and stronger.

    Get enough sleep to keep cortisol (the stress hormone) levels down, and don’t skip breakfast!

    7. Get twenty minutes of sun every day.

    This gives your body the Vitamin D it needs to function properly, though you can also get it from a supplement.

    8. Get low-impact exercise three times per week.

    When we exercise, the brain releases the “happy hormone” endorphin.

    9. Don’t push yourself too far for the sake of progress.

    Strive to improve, but never push yourself if you feel it’s hurting you.

    10. Never ignore your intuition.

    Listen to your body and do all you can to be kind to yourself.

    Obviously, burnout is not some fake thing lazy folks pretend to have so they can stay home from work.

    It is a force that can knock you out completely, making it difficult to deal with the simplest of tasks, like taking a shower or cooking a meal; and almost impossible to handle normal things, like leaving your home, shopping for food, and answering phone calls.

    I officially apologize for all my previously judgmental thoughts on this area.

    You don’t get burned out because you’re too weak. You get burned out because you’ve tried to stay strong for way too long!

  • The Value of Following Your Dreams When They Don’t Make Money

    The Value of Following Your Dreams When They Don’t Make Money

    Child Pilot

    “The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.” ~Unknown

    Five years ago, in a move I wasn’t sure was so brilliant at the time, I quit my career at a rapidly growing ASX-listed financial services organization, packed up my life, and flew to Thailand to pursue my love of scuba diving.

    I thought I was just going for twelve months, that I’d get it out of my system then return to Melbourne and settle down—get a job in the not-for-profit industry, buy a house, maybe get married and have kids, save for my retirement…the usual rite of passage. My unleashed spirit had different ideas.

    When you answer the call to adventure, you never know where you will end up.

    I fell in love with an Italian man, completed my Scuba Diving Instructor course, and spent the next few years splitting my time between Australia and Thailand.

    When our relationship ended, I returned to Melbourne “to be sensible,” to try and put down some roots and figure out, once and for all, what I was meant to do with my life.

    I returned to work with my former employer, but fifteen months later, when I was still trying to figure things out, the universe gave me a divine kick up the bum; I was suddenly and unexpectedly made redundant.

    Instead of finding another job, again I answered the call to adventure. Ten weeks later I was in Canterbury, England following the 2,000-kilometer Via Francigena pilgrimage route to Rome, living a dream.

    When I returned to Melbourne to integrate all that I had learned on my pilgrimage, my bank account had dropped way below my comfort level and the job market was really slow; employers didn’t seem to appreciate my unconventional life that appeared as (well-explained) gaps in my CV.

    Living in suburbia, I started to compare my life to my friends who were getting married, having kids, and buying houses. I looked at my dwindling bank account balance, ten-year-old car, and unpacked bags of clothes—the sum total of my life. I began to panic.

    From my economic studies, I know the opportunity cost of walking away from my career five years ago to follow my heart into adventure is close to a million.

    As a financial planning professional, I know that the longer you delay buying a house, the more you have to pay and the less achievable it becomes. And the longer you delay saving for retirement, the more you have to save or the longer you need to work.

    These are the realities of living in our modern world, where money is the common form of value exchange and it costs to live—to put shelter over your head, food in your belly, and clothes on your back.

    Acutely aware of this, I promised myself I would never ruin myself financially by living unconventionally. I feared that was exactly what I had done.

    As I walked those 2,000 kilometers alone, I discovered the quiet voice of wisdom that speaks up when I ask it for guidance, or it decides there is something I need to hear. In that moment of panic, it told me this:

    “Your net worth is not your life’s worth—don’t confuse the two.”

    Your net worth is not your life’s worth. There was instant relief in those words.

    My choices may have “cost” me a million, and my net worth may be a small fraction of that, but the real value of my experiences over the last five years transcends physical currency. The sights I have seen. The blessings I have received. The moments I have witnessed.

    Diving in the ocean with sharks and manta rays, watching a volcano erupt, crossing the Alps and the Apennines alone on foot, dancing ecstatically in the rain at a dance party in India, caring for street dogs and orphans, muddling through French and Italian conversations with locals, and watching the sun die a vibrant death hundreds of times.

    These experiences have transformed me and, because I am changed, affect the lives of those whose paths I cross like ripples on a pond.

    In a world that requires us to earn money, the popular pursuit of purpose these days is by offering your skills, talents, and abilities to earn money doing what you love—that is, to create a business outside of the traditional corporate environment and make that your purpose.

    But what if your dreams are not the type that will earn you money? And what if following your dreams requires that you walk away from a high-paying career, or that you spend your savings or forego buying a house so that you can live your dream?

    Often misconceived as selfishness, honoring and doing what transforms our inner selves is a way of being of service too; everyone who comes into contact with your ripples will benefit from that change, directly or indirectly, known or unknown.

    In this way, the return on investment from following your dreams is infinite, larger than you can ever quantify or know while you are in human form.

    But what about the cost of not following your dreams?

    How will you feel at the end of your life if you don’t give your dream a go? How will you feel living in a big ole house with plenty of cash in your bank account and very healthy retirement savings, but with your neglected dreams fading away in the corner?

    I know that one day, when I am old and dying, I won’t regret the things I never had, but I will regret the moments I didn’t seize and the adventures and growth I never experienced.

    I know that every time I have followed my heart and answered the call to adventure, even when I wasn’t sure where the money was going to come from or how it was all going to turn out, life has shown me that it will support me. It will support you, too.

    Although it might never be reflected in your net assets, follow your heart and your dreams, focus on growing your life’s worth, not just your net worth, and no matter where your life takes you or what your external wealth looks like, you will be truly en-riched.

    Child pilot image via Shutterstock

  • We Can Choose to Let Go, Stop Suffering, and Find Peace

    We Can Choose to Let Go, Stop Suffering, and Find Peace

    Peaceful Woman

    “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I’ve called it my “Epiphany Bubble,” and it might be hard to believe, but it’s my true experience.

    I stood on the lawn of our city’s hospital. The sun was shining down on our group of grieving parents. My belly was big with my third child, but my heart was still heavy with grief from my second.

    Jonathan. I’ve never personally known anyone whose entire life was surrounded by compassion and love, like every minute of his twelve-and-a-half hours in my arms.

    Although the summer of 2000 was a long, painful journey through terminal pregnancy, Jonathan had blessed my life in countless ways. I just hadn’t yet understood that.

    Our hospital had this gathering a couple times a year. Parents who grieved babies would come, enjoy some cookies and punch, and chat with other moms and dads who were coping with loss.  

    At the end, we always did the same thing—write our baby’s name along with dates of birth and death on a white balloon.

    As I wrote “Jonathan 9-21-2000 – 9-22-2000” on my balloon, I smiled a little just at the joy of writing his name. I gave my belly a gentle touch and said a little prayer for my next little boy.

    Then I looked to my left. There were three women standing together, quite distraught in tears, comforting one another. I, of course, knew why they were crying, but I was curious.

    I was curious about the dates. When I looked at their balloons, I saw dates reflecting years prior. Six, seven, eight years earlier. My heart sank. I wondered, “Do I have to be in that much pain years from now? Does this heartbreak never end?”

    And that’s when it happened—my epiphany bubble. I suddenly felt as though I was in my own space, and that the world had ceased to spin. Everything outside of my bubble was blurry, and everyone seemed frozen, when I realized…

    I have choice.

    I stood for a few moments more, and the bubble vanished. But its effect on me did not. Something now stirred within me—a determination to really heal, let go, and be genuinely happy again.

    At home I began to wonder about choosing how to feel about life and how to perceive all that I experience on my journey. I started to seek within.

    Through journaling, praying, and meditating, I felt a shift. I sensed guidance. I glimpsed a bit of inner peace.

    Some of my wonderings were a bit surprising, but I gave space to let them unfold. Rather than judge, I allowed them to come to me without logic. I also resisted the teachings from my childhood, which would have stopped them from showing me a new way to perceive Jonathan’s life.

    I wondered, maybe Jonathan is a guardian angel. Perhaps he will protect and look after his big sister, Sydra, and his little brother who has yet to take his first breath.

    I smiled a bit at imagining my sweet Jonathan, from some other place of being, guiding and loving his siblings.

    I wondered, perhaps Jonathan was meant to leave this life at a very young age, and perhaps this could have happened in a variety of ways.

    Would I choose for his life to be very short, spent in my arms, and surrounded by love and compassion? Or, would I choose to have more time with him, but risk something worse—have him be a child who I’ve heard horrifying stories about, children who are abducted and hurt?

    I felt a bit of trust at realizing that I don’t know how it all works. Life, death, and all the days between and following are a mystery, really. Maybe his life was exactly how it was meant to be, or perhaps it might have been more tragic.

    I wondered, could it be that Jonathan was my son for this short time to teach me?

    I reflected on the months we spent together—when I learned he was terminal, my decision to carry him, the long nights, the quiet moments, the countless tears and prayers, the painful delivery, and the hours I had him in my arms looking into his beautiful eyes three times.

    I relaxed a bit realizing all I had learned. I was a strong woman, someone who was willing to give all I had to another, a woman who remained hopeful and optimistic amidst a very difficult time. I was a woman who sent prayers and love to other pregnant women, asking that they not suffer as I was.

    I wondered, could Jonathan’s life have served purpose beyond me, our family, and my understanding?

    I thought about all the people who had surrounded Jonathan with love and compassion before and during his life. I recalled the many people who came to his memorial service, each saying how deeply he had touched their heart.

    My trust deepened. I knew Jonathan’s life, however brief, served purpose. He was a blessing, a sweet, little blessing, to many people, and I was the lucky woman who was honored to be his mom.

    Grief is nothing to be rushed. Throughout this time, I was gentle and patient with myself, honoring all my emotions, not pushing through them or stuffing them in the secret places of my heart. By doing so, I was better able to deeply heal.

    Grief is also nothing to cling to simply because it’s familiar. Although the journey had many twists and turns, and I needed to allow it to show its way, it is worth the inner work to let go and find peace.

    It is not just grief where we have choice. With all our life experiences—every emotion from anger to joy, from love to fear—we can choose.

    Allowing our heart and mind to wonder, taking time to feel it all without judgment, and seeking within for the path of letting go, this is the way to embrace all of life and peacefully enjoy the now.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    Confident Pose

    “Kindness in words creates confidence.” ~Lao Tzu

    Does your life feel like an endless experience of struggle and stress? That while you have moments of reprieve, they are transient and short lived?

    It may be that the problem lies with your confidence—in your belief in your ability to bring about successful outcomes when you experience challenges.

    For many of us, our attitudes toward ourselves continually undermine our confidence.

    That was my experience for most of my life. My confidence was dependent on how I felt I was doing.

    If I did well, I felt good. If I struggled, I lost confidence very quickly.

    It didn’t seem to matter how many times I succeeded, doubting myself was just one slip up away. And I was exceptionally hard on myself when I failed.

    So I drove myself harder and harder. I overworked. I was determined not to feel that awful feeling of not being good enough. So I read, studied, and experienced. My confidence was always on the other side of the next book, course, or program.

    Until I burned out.

    I couldn’t keep up the pace. And I’m so grateful for that. Recovering from the health difficulties that come with burnout required that I change the way I was relating to myself and challenge the basic assumptions that I was making about what I was capable of.

    I had to pay close attention on a minute-by-minute basis to the choices I was making and my self-talk. How was I treating myself? How did I respond when I made mistakes?

    Most of us have been taught to have conditional confidence. We can feel good and confident when things are going well, but we struggle to keep motivated when things are hard. We are hard on ourselves when we slip up. We are critical, judgmental, and harsh.

    So we up the effort. We overwork, over-prepare, needing to keep ahead of the possibility of failure that we imagine is just around the corner.

    We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.

    Changing our attitude toward ourselves is the key to building confidence that is not dependent on external signs of success. An unshakable confidence that allows us to be resilient in the face of adversity and to trust ourselves enough to keep taking the next step, even when circumstances look dismal.

    Imagine that you could go through life trusting in your capability, in your ability to meet the challenges in a way that could bring about a successful outcome.

    What a relief that would be!

    Instead of trying to control the world and avoid failure, you could take risks and stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone. When you made mistakes (which you inevitably will as part of the growth and learning process) you would pick yourself up quickly, acknowledge yourself for your effort, and make any changes that we needed, based on your new learning.

    And you would keep going.

    Life would be full of possibility and hope.

    So how can you do that?

    Changing your attitude toward yourself is essentially about changing habits. So it requires patience, attention, and effort.

    Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, believes that changing from self-criticism to self-compassion is the key to resilience in the face of challenge.

    People who respond to themselves with compassion are far less likely to be depressed or anxious, and they have greater confidence in their ability to succeed.

    Self-compassion involves three components:

    • Being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical
    • Framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience
    • Seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems.

    How to Become Kinder to Yourself

    1. Start by noticing the way you speak to yourself.

    Especially when you slip up (in your eyes). Increasing your awareness of existing patterns is an important first step. Don’t be tempted to skip it. Most of us want to rush ahead and make changes instantly.

    2. Gently start practicing a different response.

    This may seem a bit silly at first, depending on how deeply entrenched your critical and judgmental response is. Mine was very well practiced, so it did feel awkward for a long time. But do persist. Even tiny changes can make a huge difference to how you feel and what you are able to do.

    3. Surround yourself with kind and supportive voices.

    Sometimes when you are stuck in a judgmental pattern, it can be very hard to make changes in the moment. What I found worked in these times was to have someone else hold that voice for me, so I would spend time with someone who embodied kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance.

    4. Practice, practice, practice!

    Change happens with the consistent efforts made over time, not the big once-off attempts. Stay with this; it will make all the difference in the long run.

    This is the path to unconditional confidence. Put in the effort. Pay attention and develop new ways of relating to yourself. Surround yourself with encouraging people who can help you remember your intention.

    Confident pose image via Shutterstock

  • How to Take Care of Yourself When You Feel Like Shutting Down

    How to Take Care of Yourself When You Feel Like Shutting Down

    “Displace the pain. Put it in a camera, in a story, in a poem, in a song, in a lover, in a canvas.” ~Unknown

    As an aspiring mental health counselor, I’m a huge advocate for self-care. I think it’s extremely important to educate people about the benefits of taking the time to nourish our souls and to give ourselves some TLC.

    I have several go-to ways I like to take care of myself, from practicing yoga to immersing myself in nature to writing to taking the time to mindfully apply my favorite lotion.

    I find myself engaging in these activities on days with good weather and when I’m generally happy.

    Lately, however, I’ve noticed that it’s during the times when it’s hardest to think about self-care, whether our schedules are jam-packed, we are going through a difficult time, or we just don’t feel our best, that self-care is critical. 

    It’s easy to want to do fun activities or be nice to ourselves when life is looking good, but it’s much harder to have the energy or desire to take care of ourselves when times are tough.

    But isn’t that when we most need to be our own best friends and supporters?

    This all became even clearer to me when I received devastating news not too long ago. My childhood dog, Maggie, had passed away from kidney failure at fourteen years old. My desire to cook a nice meal for myself, write in my gratitude journal, or work out went right out the window.

    All I felt was numb, and all I wanted to do was to fade into the couch and cry.

    As human beings, when we experience a grief reaction or a trauma, it’s natural for us to freeze, feel numb, or to want to retreat and isolate.

    While I believe it’s crucial that we listen to our bodies and give ourselves time to grieve, express ourselves, or react however we need to during that time (as long we aren’t causing damage to ourselves), we must also advocate for our healing and well-being.

    I’m not saying that this is easy by any means, and this process is different for everyone. It might even seem foreign, unnatural, forced, or even impossible at first to think about doing activities that are fun or require energy when we are in a state of crisis or disarray.

    As humans, we’re hardwired to want to stay in our comfort zone, but that’s not where the growth happens, nor where our optimal levels of health and happiness reside.

    Since Maggie’s passing, it’s been hard to get myself to do even basic things, such as eat full meals, and it’s been difficult to go about my day knowing at any moment I could start crying uncontrollably.

    Although it’s still very fresh, I could feel myself beginning to slip into a place that wasn’t healthy or beneficial to my well-being. I wanted to be careful not to let myself be completely overcome by the grief of losing her.

    I was thinking about how I could let myself express the emotions of heartbreak, sadness, and emptiness yet still find a way to take care of myself. The first thing that came to mind was writing.

    I’ve always been a writer at heart. My pen and paper (or these days, laptop) have gotten me through some pretty dark and challenging times. I knew that the self-care I needed at that moment was to open up a word document and just type.

    When I allowed myself to get lost in my writing, I found that my heart felt a little lighter.

    Self-care doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, and it isn’t just one thing. For some it might include booking a full day at the spa, while for others it might be much more low-key. The awesome part is, no matter what type of self-care you choose to participate in, you will receive the full benefits.

    If you’re not sure where to start and you’d like some helpful strategies, look no further. I’m no expert, but I am committed to practicing self-care. 

    Here are some tips and ideas that have been helpful for me:

    1. There is no right or wrong way to “do” self-care.

    Before you truly begin incorporating self-care into your life and feeling the benefits of it, it’s natural to wonder if you’re approaching it right. The good news is: There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care, as long as you’re doing activities that contribute to your level of happiness or sense of well-being.

    Allow yourself to be led by your intuition of what you need.

    Practice disabling the part of yourself that wants to censor yourself or question the quality of the activities you’re doing and the work you’re producing as you’re engaging in self-care.

    If you’re writing, for instance, you can edit it later. If you’re dancing, let yourself be guided by the rhythm of your body rather than your brain trying to keep perfect time or form.

    2. Incorporate some form of self-care into your daily routine.

    You might not always have the time or energy to do a full workout or practice your favorite self-care activity, but you can find little ways to take care of yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Even just a five or ten-minute practice can make a huge difference.

    For example, as you are waking up in the morning, take some time to repeat with confidence a positive mantra or affirmation that coincides with your goal or intention for the day. Or set aside a short window of time for deep breathing or a walk in nature. Little things can make a big difference.

    3. Consider the Wellness Wheel.

    As you begin to integrate self-care into your life or work to maintain the strategies you’ve already implemented, think about the several different types of wellness (physical, emotional, spiritual, social, intellectual, environmental, occupational).

    Take the time to understand which self-care activities are connected to the different types of wellness. This might help bring things into perspective.

    There may be times when some parts of your wheel seem more plentiful than others. If you find yourself stuck or lacking in a specific area, you can work to nurture those parts of your wellness wheel, but you can also feel grateful for the parts that are blossoming.

    4. Inform others about your self-care practices.

    If your self-care means unplugging for a day and others are going to want to contact you, you might want to let them know that you’ll be out of reach and explain why.

    It might be difficult for some people to wrap their heads around it, or you might receive some pushback (remember, change is hard). People may be used to you always being available, but for others this could be a chance to understand your needs better and hopefully provide encouragement and support.

    It might be a challenge to get into a groove with your self-care if you’re just beginning, so talking to family or close friends about the changes you’re making might spark something for them as well.

    Maybe your friends have wanted to make similar shifts, and they’d like to try it with you. Rather than hearing complaints for taking five hours instead of five minutes to answer a text, you might just inspire them to unplug too.

    5. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t forget to celebrate successes.

    Just like any change you’re trying to make in life, it doesn’t always happen immediately or all at once, but rather over time.

    If you experience a self-care setback, such as falling out of a new practice, being overcome by grief, or not dedicating as much time to it as you’d like, try your best to be gentle with yourself and use positive self-talk.

    On the other hand, if the positive changes you’re noticing seem very small, try your best to remember to celebrate your efforts and the changes you are seeing. With positivity and commitment, you’ll notice the changes might begin to get bigger, and they might last longer too.

    Self-care isn’t meant to be a quick fix to make all uncomfortable emotions disappear, and it won’t replace the difficult recovery processes we must go through when we endure trauma, experience extreme loss, or work to get out of a rut that we’re stuck in for whatever reason.

    It can, however, help us take the pain we feel and soften it, or channel it into strength or something beautiful.

    Self-care can help us feel a sense of happiness, gratitude, hope, and healing.

    So, have fun with it! Experiment so you can see which types of self-care suit you and your lifestyle. If you feel yourself getting stuck, listen to your mind, body, and intuition—they know you the best.

  • 20 Tiny Changes That Can Completely Overhaul Your Life

    20 Tiny Changes That Can Completely Overhaul Your Life

    “It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

    Ever felt down in the dumps, absolutely sure that you wanted to transform your life but no idea where to start?

    About three years back I stood at that intersection.

    I’d spent years earning one advanced degree after another, until I landed myself a job that paid well but the stress level was so high that I had little room for anything else.

    I’d married a wonderful guy whom I’d fallen crazily in love with, but our relationship had slowly, almost without our knowledge, spiraled downward until it seemed like all we felt toward each other was anger and disdain.

    After years of trying, we had a beautiful little girl, but she has such a strong-willed, determined personality that we clashed on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, and I was ready to pull my hair out.

    Every moment at home, someone was yelling, sulking, or seething.

    Something had to change. I wanted to make things better. More peaceful. More “normal.”

    Except, I had no clue where to start. Or what to do. Or how to make the transformation that I so wanted.

    I started trying anything and everything. A few things stuck. Many didn’t.

    Slowly, a pattern started to emerge: Big, massive, overzealous changes almost always backfired and led to disillusionment and disappointment. Small, tiny shifts in attitude, on the other hand, had a huge cumulative impact.

    I still remember one period where I’d decided to not yell at my daughter, no matter what. I’d decided to become a positive parent and as such, be supportive all the time.

    If you’re a parent, you know how this is going to end.

    I managed to hold it in for all of three days or so. And then, suddenly, on some minor provocation, I let loose. All the dammed up irritation and frustration just came flooding out, while my daughter stared at me in utter shock and fear.

    This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! I actually felt worse now than earlier!

    I didn’t want to give up. So I kept trying.

    As one attempt after other failed, I got more and more disheartened.

    Finally, almost in desperation, I decided to focus on something else entirely—since I seemed incapable of not yelling, maybe, I thought, I can figure out why my daughter behaves a certain way and then try to prevent that situation altogether.

    Suddenly, something magical happened.

    The more I stepped into her shoes, the more I understood why she acted like she did. And the more I understood her reasons, the less I felt the need to yell.

    For instance, she wasn’t just defying me when she refused to wear a jacket—her toddler brain just couldn’t grasp that it was cold outside.

    So instead of asking her to wear the jacket while we were still at home, where it was warm and cozy, I’d wait until we got out and the cold draft hit her before asking her to wear the jacket. And most of the time, it worked!

    It was as if I had deciphered a secret code.

    Now, instead of trying to stop yelling, I started to make a conscious attempt to understand her a little more, and with each little effort, I was automatically yelling a little less.

    And you know the best part?

    Quite without our knowledge, the relationship between my husband and me started to change, as well. I was suddenly snapping and yelling at him a whole lot less, too. And in turn, he started being kinder, gentler, and more the person I had fallen in love with.

    Even in the dog-eat-dog culture that was rampant at my then workplace, people responded with reciprocal kindness and goodwill. And I, in turn, found it a whole lot easier to be a better co-worker.

    It was a beautiful, virtuous circle.

    It’s been three years now. I’ve been focusing on making more and more of these small, tiny changes and they have been paying off big time. Our home is a whole lot more peaceful. We enjoy each other’s company a lot. My relationship with friends is richer. Life is good.

    I still have ways to go, but the change, the transformation that I was seeking, is happening.

    Toward the end of last year, in a moment of quiet reflection, I listed some of the small shifts in attitude that have helped me so, and others that I seek to practice in the New Year.

    I’m sharing them with you here in the hopes that they may help you make the transformation you might be seeking.

    1. Less Anger, More Understanding

    When we can understand why the other person acts the way they do—whether they are three years old or thirty—the need to yell automatically starts to diminish.

    2. Less Complaining, More Gratitude

    When we look at all the wonderful things in life, the things that don’t go well start to seem trivial.

    3. Less Blame, More Guidance

    When we get hurt, it is instinctive to want to make the other person “pay,” but if we can guide the person to fix the situation, things are more likely to get better sooner.

    4. Less Judgment, More Wonder

    We are all unique, different, and a wee bit crazy in our own way. The best way to counter the urge to be judgmental is to cultivate a sense of wonder at each person’s uniqueness.

    5. Less Resistance, More Acceptance

    The more we resist something, the more it persists. The more we accept it, the less it bothers us.

    6. Less Shame, More Vulnerability

    Shame is a deep-seated fear that we are not enough. Yet, it’s a fact that none of us is perfect. When we accept the imperfection and embrace it, the tight grip of shame starts to loosen up.

    7. Less Fear, More Action

    We cannot reason with fear, especially the irrational one that stays in the head. The best way to make change happen is to take action and keep moving forward.

    8. Less Comparison, More Contentment

    Our life seems like a drag when we compare our “behind-the-scenes” with the highlight reel of someone else’s life. Focusing on contentment kills the need to try to keep up with the Joneses.

    9. Less Will Power, More Habits

    It’s scientifically proven that we have a limited supply of will power, and the more we exert it, the less we have for future use. So whenever possible, turn things into habit, limiting the need to use will power.

    10. Less Guilt, More Communication

    We all make mistakes. Communicating how badly we feel and figuring out how to fix things will keep guilt from gnawing away at our happiness.

    11. Less Obsessing, More Balance

    Embrace all shades between black or white, and the need to obsess on the extremes starts to shrink. Particularly helpful for recovering perfectionists like me!

    12. Less Competition, More Cooperation

    Come at things from a place of abundance and seek intentionally to cooperate, and the fear of competition starts to melt right away.

    13. Less Stress, More Fun

    If there is one thing we can learn from kids, it is to have fun. Ever notice how few kids are actually stressed?

    14. Less Greed, More Generosity

    Finding joy in giving is the perfect antidote for a case of the gimmes.

    15. Less Distraction, More Rest

    Seriously, make getting a fixed number of hours of sleep each night a priority, and distractions like social media and television will automatically stop killing productivity.

    16. Less Bitterness, More Forgiveness

    Bitterness only hurts the person carrying it. Forgive those who hurt us and move on.

    17. Less Control, More Flow

    Some things are simply out of our control. Learning to go with the flow helps tone down the urge to control.

    18. Less Stubbornness, More Openness

    What if we are wrong some times? Being open to accepting failure and constantly learning makes life so much simpler and beautiful.

    19. Less Expectation, More Patience

    Start small by delaying gratification with little things. As we learn to be more patient, our expectations of how/when things should turn out start to relax as well.

    20. Less Ego, More Humility

    Easier said than done, but the more easily we can say “sorry” and “thank you” (and really mean it), the less hold ego has on our life.

    —

    What has your experience been? Have you also experienced that small, tiny shifts in attitude can result in huge transformations? What are some of the small changes you’ve made that have resulted in a life overhaul?

  • Connecting with Your Peaceful Self to Overcome Fears and Worries

    Connecting with Your Peaceful Self to Overcome Fears and Worries

    Man with palm tree

    “Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real.” ~Unknown

    It was an ordinary school morning in a busy European city. I seem to recall it was spring, as my memories store the feeling of awakening after a long winter.

    I was seventeen and getting ready to go to school. Following my standard morning routine, which included eating my meticulously assembled breakfast, I walked to the tram station.

    The city I lived in at the time was situated in a beautiful valley, and the tram ride offered a trip to the hub of the city. My high school was downtown in the historical part of the town.

    I loved walking to the tram and even more, I enjoyed walking from my final tram station to school.

    There was something different about walking in the middle of old buildings that always gave me the feel of spaciousness, grace, and often mystery. It was such a striking contrast from the modern and mundane apartment buildings in the newly built subdivision where I lived!

    The city transport experienced some chaos that morning, as the typical short wait time between trams turned into almost a half hour.

    My tram station was really crowded, and I felt lucky I got in. As I stood in the tram that spring morning, looking outside the windows and barely noticing the grey high-rise buildings, little did I realize what this morning would bring for me.

    It seemed like an unusually busy day, and because of the delay, every tram stop had a huge crowd waiting at the platform.

    After five or six stops, the tram was packed like a can of sardines. I watched people at the stops nervously looking toward us, “the lucky ones inside,” as they likely contemplated how late they would be for school or work today.

    I really wished this ride would be over soon.

    The tram started moving toward the downtown area. It is quite a steep hill downward into the valley. This stretch of the ride was the most fascinating for me, as the green area framing my view just zoomed by like a wide line painted by a massive paintbrush.

    I felt lucky to be by the window and having breathing space in front of me instead being squeezed in the middle of the crowd.

    The green space, however, moved incredibly fast this morning, as if it was just flying by. Then I registered a sudden jolt.

    After that, it was very quiet. In the midst of this silence, all of sudden I heard a voice asking for help. It sounded quite frightened as it repeatedly asked, “Please help.” Who is saying this? I wondered.

    If you ever experienced no connection to the concept of time, this was it. After I heard the same voice a few more times, I came to a surprising realization. It was mine.

    This voice was coming from my body, yet I felt I was a completely peaceful self, compassionately watching someone who was frightened.

    Later on I realized the tram derailed and flipped sideways. I was saved and physically unharmed because I was on the “lucky” side of the tram.

    I continued the journey called life, but something unlocked inside me. In fact, I was “haunted” for years by the experience of my “peaceful self,” which had listened to my scared physical self.

    Needless to say, I continued to live my life for a few decades very often identified with my scared physical self but always wondering about my peaceful self.

    Who am I really? Who was the part of me that heard my voice?

    Fast forward many years, I encountered the presence of my peaceful self once again. Luckily, this time it wasn’t in an accident.

    After years of hard work establishing myself as an immigrant, learning a new language, and creating financial stability, I decided to end my job and step into unknown and uncertainty. I didn’t know how I was going to earn money; I just knew what I did before wasn’t part of my life’s purpose.

    My body shriveled with fear. My mind was racing with thoughts about my bleak future and losing everything I had ever worked for. Not only that, but this could have meant I wouldn’t be able to help family members that I had previously helped out financially.

    I remember it was a bright sunny day and I was in the office with my boss. The glass windows in the corner of the building surrounded us and lit up the space.

    I felt I was bathing in light. I was literally not able to speak. My mind kept saying: You can’t do this! And then it happened again. I heard a shaky voice saying: I decided to quit.

    Have you ever felt your chest opening up? In this moment, I felt as if a cave opened inside my heart. A wave of calm spread through my body. My peaceful self was there, watching and observing my scared self. I cried tears of relief.

    These days, I don’t even question my peaceful self. I just trust it’s with me everywhere, holding its arm around my shoulders and whispering: Trust. You are going to be okay

    And as I embarked on a life time journey of meditation reconnecting with that peaceful part of myself, I repeatedly remind myself that I am simply able to watch my frightened physical self.

    And so can you.

    Whenever you feel stuck in life and full of fear or desperation, remember that the big, real part of you is simply the peaceful observer that can watch the physical self. It can watch the fear, sadness, or anything that arises inside you. And it will watch it with love and compassion.

    We often experience pain when we associate with our thoughts and believe that we are our mind and our emotions.

    Do you have a thought that frightens or worries you right now? Simply say to yourself that you are noticing that thought. Say it at least five times until it feels more and more distant. Now you are coming much closer to being your peaceful self.

    My reconnection with my peaceful self brought so much more freedom to my life, and I believe it will bring freedom to your life too. Visualize it holding its arm around your shoulders and telling you: Trust. You are going to be okay.

    Man with palm tree image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Live a Balanced, Happy Life with Fewer Regrets

    4 Tips to Live a Balanced, Happy Life with Fewer Regrets

    Life Balance

    “Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.” ~Thomas Merton

    Balance has become an ever-elusive thing these days. The onslaught of technological breakthroughs, aimed at making life easier, has given way to a societal expectation that we are available around the clock.

    This has bled into our careers, where our employers have ever increasing expectations that we can do more in less time. We have 168 hours in our week to sleep, work, rest, be with our loved ones, and pursue personal interests.

    Unfortunately, the majority of people in the world today complain that they aren’t able to keep up with the competing commitments that steal much of their precious time.

    It’s no longer enough to contemplate how this happened and talk about the “good ole days” when life was easier and the days were longer.

    We need to identify what balance looks like for us (as it differs from person to person), work on regaining some of our time, and find more balance so we can truly show up and be present in all the different areas of our lives.

    My wake-up call about my imbalanced life came when I lost my best friend to suicide a few years ago.

    When you experience a sudden loss of this magnitude, you most certainly find yourself in a place of deep contemplation and restructuring. I recognized my own mortality in a way I hadn’t before.

    As a result, I had to do some housekeeping in order to get my life “up to snuff,” so I took an honest and meaningful inventory of all the different parts of my life.

    I looked at the people I was spending my time with, the activities I engaged in, and the places I dwelled. I asked myself if these people, activities, and places were feeding my soul, supporting my journey, and providing love and support.

    It was through this inventory I realized how out of balance my life was. It’s also how I came up with the action plan I am sharing with you now

    1. Start with a values inventory.

    You want to sit down, grab a pen and a piece of paper, and list all of the values that are important to you. You’ll also want to put them in order of importance.

    Some of my top life values include happiness, love, fellowship, integrity, and spirituality. It’s important to note that your top values are defined only by you and carry their own power and placement in your life.

    For example, I define spirituality as my connection to, and relationship with, the source of all things. I honor that value through daily meditation, prayer, and my efforts to make the world a better place through my work and my charity fund. I also honor that value by ensuring I live a life full of generosity, gratitude, respect, and compassion.

    2. Look at your life domains and identify the imbalances present in each area.

    When I speak about life domains, I’m talking about self, career, relationships, and community.

    Self: This domain includes you, your time, your interests, and your self-care.

    Career: This domain speaks to your current job and your employer.

    Relationships: This domain speaks to your loved ones, both friends and family.

    Community: This domain speaks to your participation in your local community (volunteer work, belonging to a religious or spiritual institution, coaching your child’s little league team, etc.)

    Again, you want to grab a pen and a piece of paper. For each of your four life domains, identify what the ideal balance would be. Be detailed in your description of each life domain.

    For example, in the relationships domain, identify those people you would want to see on a regular basis. What frequency would you like to see them and under what circumstances? What would you need to do in order to make that happen?

    You should also weave in your top values to better understand how they should support your efforts in each life domain.

    For example, I would talk about the importance of my value around love and how it plays out in the relationship domain. I would write about my choice to surround myself only with kind, loving people who support me and I support in return.

    The goal here is to create an ideal vision of balance in each domain.

    3. Write about the current status of each life domain.

    If your life domains are imbalanced, write down the details surrounding the imbalances and what you’ll need to do to get them in alignment.

    For example, if your career domain is imbalanced because you’re working too many hours for a demanding supervisor, think about the steps you’ll need to take to regain your balance.

    Maybe it’s talking to your boss about getting you some help or working fewer hours. If your work environment isn’t conducive with this type of dialogue, maybe looking for a better job is a consideration.

    If some of your life domains are in balance, write about the steps you are committing to in order to prevent them from being compromised. It’s important to be clear on your approach to living, and maintaining, a balanced life.

    4. Begin implementing the changes you want to see in a realistic and bite size manner.

    You want to focus on one domain at a time, and tackle one change at time. Pick a domain and implement your first change.

    Once you have grown comfortable with this change and it is now part of your “new normal,” you can move on to the next change.

    When you have implemented all of the changes in your first domain, and reached the balance you desire, you can move to the next domain. I would suggest starting with the easiest changes first.

    Start to build momentum with the changes that will help you create more balance right away. Maybe that’s turning off your work computer at 8:00 every night so you can be with your family, eating healthier, or committing to visiting your parents every Sunday morning.

    These are small changes that can have a big impact on your life!

    —

    At the end of the day, this is all about you living a regret-free existence. Later in life, you don’t want to look back and feel regret for neglecting certain parts of your life (children, health, career aspirations, etc.) because you didn’t take the steps necessary to make things better.

    Balance isn’t easy to achieve, but it is well worth the effort. Make a commitment to find your balance today!

    Life balance image via Shutterstock

  • Why We Feel Stuck in Life and the Secret to Dealing with It

    Why We Feel Stuck in Life and the Secret to Dealing with It

    “It is the way we react to circumstances that determines our feelings.” ~Dale Carnegie

    We’ve all felt like we’re drowning in mud.

    You feel stuck, worthless, and confused.

    You want to move. You should. You have to. But you can’t.

    And then it evolves into anxiety, fear, and overwhelm.

    But what if—just what if—being stuck isn’t the problem, but how we perceive it?

    The Truth About Being Stuck

    Every year, I have periods where I feel “stuck.”

    Yet when I look closer, I see that “being stuck” is a label I give to a natural part of life.

    It’s a time when not much happens. The anxiety comes when I think it should be otherwise. I start to force myself to work, to come up with ideas, and to make things happen.

    And when I don’t get anywhere, I call it being stuck.

    So, what is being stuck except the way I perceive life?

    As I write this, I’ve been in a stuck period for the last few months. The difference is that I struggle less, because I’m beginning to let it be.

    Why We Get Stuck

    You get stuck when you think you should be something you’re not. When you think life should be different than it is.

    I know I’m trying to force myself to do something when words like ”should,” ”have to,” and ”must” enter my mind.

    When I relax and surrender to this quiet period in my life, things seem okay. I see that I can’t control life. I can only notice what life brings to me.

    The Secret to Being Stuck Completely

    Being stuck is like quicksand. The more you try to get out, the deeper you sink.

    My mind wants to push, control, and manipulate. It stems from insecurity. I want to be secure, be loved, and be remarkable.

    I think that if I could just control life, all would be well.

    It’s not until I face reality that things begin to lift. Here are three things I do:

    1. Give up.

    When you’re stuck, surrender to being stuck.

    I notice the thoughts and feelings within me that say that I’m stuck, and that something is wrong.

    If I stay completely in this moment, there is no being stuck. There is only the label of a situation—a label that I’ve invented based on what I think my life should look like.

    When I notice all this going on, I breathe a deep sigh of relief.

    But that doesn’t mean that the feelings go away. I might still feel the anxiety, but it doesn’t have a death grip on me anymore.

    I can see the play of thoughts. I can surrender to what comes.

    And I still fall into resisting, but I’m getting better at letting it be what it is. I’m getting better at enjoying being stuck.

    The funny thing is that when we enjoy being stuck, we’re not stuck anymore, because being stuck was all in our head.

    2. Enjoy yourself.

    There’s always something you feel drawn to do during these periods. You’re not completely stuck, not in every area of your life.

    Right now, I’m reading books. I’m playing with my son. I’m watching movies and TV shows (the British version of Sherlock is amazing).

    And on occasion, I’m writing articles like this, expressing what I feel.

    I do the work I need to do. But then I let myself have fun.

    It’s easy for me to feel guilty during this period because I feel like I’m not doing enough. But I’ve learned to see that I’m doing the best I can.

    It’s another example of getting stuck in the story that I tell myself.

    I am who I am. I’m doing what I can do. That’s enough.

    And right now, that means doing less. The tide will shift soon enough.

    The same is true for you. Do what you can, but go easy on yourself.

    3. Write.

    At times when I feel truly stuck, I write.

    I don’t have a system or structure. I get a piece of paper and I write. I like to write by hand, the old fashioned way. It seems to clear my head more than writing on my computer.

    What I do is write down everything going on in my head. No censoring. No looking back.

    I let everything come out, especially the nasty bits.

    The more I do this, the more I notice repeating patterns. I see how I want to change what is, and how futile it is.

    The more aware I become, the more these things fall away.

    When you truly become aware of what goes on inside of your head, you start to let go because you see how you create your own suffering.

    My Biggest Mistake

    When we resist what is, we suffer. That’s true for anything in life.

    When I try to change what is, I poison myself from the inside out.

    But with time, I’ve learned to see my resistance as a sign to relax. To see that I can only do my best with what I have, then it’s out of my hands.

    There’s no pushing needed. Life lives itself through me, because I am life.

    I am not separate from anything or anyone. I am this planet. I am the stars. I am you.

    I sometimes wonder why we think we are not supported in life. We come into this world through a womb, where we’re supported.

    The trees in the forest are supported. Yet we believe we’re the exception. Are we? I don’t think we are.

    We just think that life should look different than it does. But the fact that life isn’t what you think it is shows that you’re wrong.

    Let Things Be

    Whether you feel stuck for a week or for a year doesn’t really matter.

    You do the best you can with what you have.

    But something I’ve noticed is that the longer I’m stuck, and the more I surrender to it, the more I learn when I come out of it.

    It is the darkest periods of my life that have taught me the most about myself.

    I’ve learned that life isn’t all about accomplishing things. Sometimes it’s about resting and letting things be.

    These periods are no different than the seasons. There’s sun. There’s snow. There’s light, and there’s darkness.

    Once you let it be what it is, things change because your perception changes.

    But beware of making this another thing you have to do. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself be completely stuck.

    And let yourself fight it, because you will.

    It’s all good.

  • How to Know If You’re with the Right Person

    How to Know If You’re with the Right Person

    Couple Silhouette

    “Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” ~Walter Anderson

    I’m not actually interested in telling you if you’re with the right person. I’m interested in you discovering who you really are. If you’re not in the right relationship, you probably shouldn’t try so hard to make it “work.” Sometimes the right thing to do is walk away.

    But the big gap here is in the knowing. The knowing if it’s right or not. The truth is that you don’t actually need somebody else to tell you what the truth is. In fact, that’s the last thing you need.

    What you really need is to uncover your own truth so you can live according to it.

    If you’re not sure if your partner is for you, then you’re living in your head. You’re ignoring your truth—the deep part of yourself that is screaming at you to leave or to stop fighting or to open your heart. Whatever your truth is, it’s inside you and it’s dying to be heard.

    Relationships are tough. I totally get it. The songs of heartbreak tell the stories of our human weakness, and I’ve cried to many of them.

    The deeper untold story is that we’ve lost ourselves. We don’t live in a world where we’re taught to look inward to resolve ourselves. We look outward to fulfill ourselves, a feat that leaves us defeated time after time.

    I have discovered that when you live according to the deeper truth within yourself, you become happy in circumstances you never thought you would have been happy in.

    Maybe you’re single or divorced or childless or on a new career path or living in a new town; you’re somewhere, and you thought you’d be somewhere else.

    You thought that trying to control the outcome would result in your happiness. The irony is that the things we think are right for ourselves are often the things that are holding us back from discovering what is actually right for ourselves.

    I once shared a depth of love with a man in a way I’d never experienced before. Circumstances beyond our control ended the relationship. We did a back and forth thing—a few times. Then we really let it go; we both believed it was over.

    After months without words we reconnected and discovered that the profound love between us still remained. But there was a deeper truth we each recognized within ourselves. Even though we shared this beautiful connection, love, and respect for one another, we wanted different things.

    I wanted to experience depths of intimacy that he didn’t feel capable of at that time. So we parted ways once again. Respectfully. Gracefully. With love. And it doesn’t mean it was easy. But it was right, and we weren’t confused about it because we both knew ourselves.

    You see, the love that we’ve become accustomed to is not actually love. Our desire to possess another doesn’t come from love; it comes from fear. And that fear comes from a lack of confidence, a lack of self-love. 

    The desire to control things and manipulate them to satisfy our ideal outcome does not come from love. It comes from the fear of letting go, the fear that things aren’t going to turn out the way you want them to.

    Maybe you’ve misinterpreted your fear for love. You give it to your other in desperation. It’s missing the genuine gift of heart, the fully embracing warmth of love that is timeless and boundless.

    Love knows you do not own another, and rooted in this love you do not want another to ever be your possession. What you want for them is the greatest life offers up to us. You want for them to be whole, to feel love, to be honored by themselves.

    True love wants movement. It wants to share and rejoice. It expresses diversely. We don’t all mesh in the same way. We’re not all for each other.

    So how do you know if you’re with the right person? The answer is that you have to know yourself. Sorry, but this is the hard work of love. 

    It starts with you. This is your job: Know yourself. Be happy with yourself. Love yourself.

    It’s not your job to give what you don’t have or to take on the impossible burden of fixing someone else.

    When you lose yourself in another, when you confuse their problems for your own, when you deny another the freedom of pursuing their soul’s journey, you do a great disservice to two incredible human beings.

    Only when you know yourself will you be able to know if someone else is right for you.

    When you know what it feels like to be in tune with your core, your essence, your spirit, your whatever-you-want-to-call-it, your soul will scream out YES! or NO! when you’re with another person.

    Your soul will respond ferociously.

    It’s already screaming now.

    The question is: Are you listening?

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Releasing Labels: Be What You Love, Not What You Do

    Releasing Labels: Be What You Love, Not What You Do

    Happy and free

    “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” ~Brené Brown

    I thought I was supposed to have a shiny job, the kind that makes people envious at cocktail parties.

    We had moved with my husband’s job again. I think it was move number six out of nine and we were over at a friend’s house. There were people I didn’t know there, and I could feel myself avoiding them in case they asked “the question.”

    The question was “So,” (pause to look at drink), “what do you do?” My brain used to do flips when people asked this. I thought it translated into something like “Is speaking to you of any value, or are you nothing very important?”

    I spent the party around the edges of the room, feeling shy and apologetic that I didn’t have a job, a title, a label.

    I was paying a penance for my new status, which seemed to be “wife of my husband” rather than a person in my own right. I was worried that they would judge me for my lack of label and think the highlights of my day were a spot of light dusting and some mindless daytime T.V.

    “I am a teacher in a prep school” was a totally respectable, “yes, I have a pay packet and meetings on my online calendar” answer. Then the other person would usually exchange their respectable answer.

    I cried in the car on my way home from the party. The pressure of having no label made me feel that all the others were bottles of fine wine (like champagne) and I was a bargain basement vino with a lot of sediment.

    I could see that we wouldn’t really learn very much about each other. So I am now wondering what questions I could ask to, you know, actually get to know someone.

    Here goes:

    What is most fun in the world for you?

    What song sings your tune?

    Oh no, they’re already sounding like chat-up lines, aren’t they? Do we only let people really know who we are in casual flirtatious situations? Is there no place for this in the everyday?

    I need to try again to suggest a way around this so you don’t get to the end of this post thinking, “Oh no, Tiny Buddha is not about cheesy chat-up lines; it’s about eternal truth. What’s up with this writer?”

    Right, new way of getting to know people, part two, or getting to know people 2.0. Okay. So we’re at a party and I have never met you, and that’s a shame, because you read Tiny Buddha and we could talk about all sorts of Tiny Buddha stuff.

    I’m brave. I am not hiding in the corner. I am ready to meet you (best unfreaky smile). Hi, I’m Deborah. I don’t think we have met before. (Oh no, the smile was freaky after all!)

    Then we start a revolution of introduction. The new rule is: (please pass this on so everyone gets to know the rule) you say a list of things you love and that you are crazy excited about, and you let that beautiful, joyous, unapologetic list circle around your essence.

    Yes, you are right, it still won’t fully express your utter fabulousness, but it is a better start than “I am a prep school teacher/lion tamer/accountant.”

    So do your bit, share the revolution of introduction. Then you get to be what you love rather than what your HR manager/business title says you are—and you get to meet people who are a whole lot more interesting.

    Happy and free image via Shutterstock

  • 70 Ways to Make Others Feel Special

    70 Ways to Make Others Feel Special

    Finger Art

    “Be the person that makes others feel special. Be known for your kindness and grace.” ~Unknown

    There is someone in my life that has an extraordinary talent for making people feel special. I would call him out by name, but he’s a fairly private person, so we’ll just call him “E.”

    It’s not that E makes people feel that they are somehow greater than others. He recognizes what’s special about everyone he encounters, and through his attention, kindness, and generosity, brings out the best in them.

    He doesn’t do this through grand gestures, and not with expectations of receiving anything specific in return.

    He does it because he enjoys making people feel good, and because he sees the good in them, he knows that they deserve it.

    In a world where it’s easy to focus on ourselves—our goals, our desires, and our plans—there’s something inspiring and, well, downright special about anyone who makes it a priority to truly see and acknowledge the people around them.

    I haven’t always done this well. Sometimes I’ve been too self-involved to shift my focus outside myself.

    But with help from some special people who’ve seen the best in me, I now know that every day—no, every moment—I have a new opportunity to do the same for someone else. And you do too. 

    How do you make someone feel special? 

    Pay Attention

    1. Stop what you’re doing and look directly into their eyes when they’re talking.

    2. Make a note of their likes and preferences so you can recommend joint activities you know they’ll enjoy.

    3. Recognize when they’re feeling down on themselves and say, “I think you’re awesome, and I hope you know it!”

    4. Compliment them on their appearance, especially if it’s something others might not recognize (like a small weight loss).

    5. Praise them for a job well done—especially if it’s a tiny victory that others might not think to acknowledge.

    6. Let them know what you find interesting, rare, or admirable about them.

    7. Take an interest in their hobbies and passions, and give them a chance to light up in sharing why they enjoy them.

    8. Compliment them on their skills as a parent or their thoughtfulness as a son, daughter, brother, or sister.

    9. Start a conversation with, “It’s really amazing how you…”

    10. Say, “I want you to know you make a difference in my life. Thank you for being you.”

    See Potential

    11. Tell them you believe they can achieve their dream—and why.

    12. If they don’t have a clear dream, recognize and acknowledge their skills and talents.

    13. Ask them questions to help them uncover how they can leverage their strengths to make a difference in the world.

    14. Encourage them to go for something they want but are scared to pursue.

    15. Comfort them after a failure or misstep and let them know it isn’t representative of who they are or what they’re capable of.

    16. Ask them to teach you how to do something to reinforce that this is something they excel at.

    17. Offer to teach them something you know they’ve wanted to try, and let them know why you think they’d be good at this.

    18. Give them something to help them get started on their dream—like a journal for an aspiring writer, or a design book for someone interested in fashion.

    19. Tell them you want to be the first one to buy their product or service when they inevitably start making a living off their passion.

    20. Give them a hand-made card and write inside what you see in them.

    Give Generously

    21. Give your time—to listen, to support, or to just enjoy each other’s company.

    22. Give them a job referral and say, “You’re the first person I thought of when I saw this—no one could do this job as well as you!”

    23. Give an introduction to someone they’d enjoy knowing—and introduce them with a compliment (i.e.: This is my good friend Avery, who’s a fantastic chef and one of the funniest people I know).

    24. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming they’ve done something thoughtful or insensitive, remember their goodness, and let them know.

    25. Give them your approval—nod your head when they’re talking and commend their thoughts and ideas.

    26. Give them space to work through thoughts and ideas out loud, even if you’re tempted to bring the conversation back to yourself.

    27. Give them credit for something they were right about.

    28. Give them the opportunity to shine in front of others when you’re tempted to dominate the conversation.

    29. Give compassion when you’re tempted to judge, and let them know what you admire about the challenges they’ve overcome.

    30. Give them your honest opinion and say, “I value you too much to tell you anything but the truth.”

    Be Affectionate

    31. Give them a hug when they’re feeling down, and hold it just a little longer than usual.

    32. Give them a playful nudge when joking around to show you’re tight like that.

    33. Literally pat them on the back when offering praise.

    34. Squeeze their hand when they’re anxious.

    35. Cuddle up to you partner instead of maintaining distance on the couch.

    36. Offer to give a massage to someone you know would be comfortable receiving it.

    37. Actually kiss someone on the cheek instead of giving an air kiss.

    38. Hold hands with your partner when walking outside (or, if you have friends who enjoy holding hands, go for it!)

    39. Sit comfortably close together to show you’re not avoiding physical connection at all costs.

    30. If you know they don’t enjoy too much affection, give them a handshake when greeting them to show you understand and respect their preferences.

    Share Yourself

    41. Share your fears with them to let them know you’re not afraid to be vulnerable with them.

    42. Share your feelings with them and let them know you value their guidance and support.

    43. Share your honest opinions instead of censoring yourself to show them you’re comfortable enough to be authentic with them.

    44. Share your dreams with them and let them know you appreciate their advice and encouragement.

    45. Share your resources with them—especially if they’re scarce—to show they’re worth the sacrifice.

    46. Share something you cooked for them to show them they’re worth the effort.

    47. Share your spirituality with them, and invite them to join you in practicing yoga or going to church.

    48. Share a secret with them to show them your trust.

    49. Share something that will become an inside joke between just the two of you.

    50. Share something you value with them to show them you value them more.

    Do Together

    51. Invite them to join you in doing something important, like picking out something for your partner’s birthday.

    52. Ask if you can help with something important they’re planning to do.

    53. Plan a surprise event for them, either to celebrate a tiny victory or just because you care.

    54. Invite them to something that will be a bonding experience, like a spa day or a sporting event.

    55. Buy an extra ticket to something you know they’d enjoy, and offer it to them.

    56. Ask them to join you in doing something regularly, like joining a bowling league, and let them know why it would be way more fun with them there.

    57. Include them in a group event to show you consider them part of the gang.

    58. Ask for their input in planning a group event to let them know you value their thoughts and ideas.

    59. Devote a weekend day or night (or both) to spending time together instead of squeezing them in for a quick lunch.

    60. When you’ve been busy, say, “I haven’t had much time lately, but I miss you! When can we get together and catch up?”

    Be Together

    61. Invite them to sit around with you, just to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

    62. Ask them if they’d like to enjoy the outdoors with you, whether that means lying in the beach in the summer, or drinking hot chocolate near a snow-covered window in the winter.

    63. Ask them if they want company when they feel drained after a long week, to show you don’t need a formal plan to be there for and with them.

    64. Offer to come over, while they’re home, so you can be an extra set of eyes to watch their kids.

    65. Sit in comfortable silence instead of needing to fill the air to show you’re comfortable enough to do this.

    66. Offer to stay with them when they’re sick, just in case they need anything.

    67. Invite them to join you in a technology free day—one without any distractions from simply being, together.

    68. Ask them to share their favorite way to relax on a day off, and then ask if they want to do this together.

    69. Invite them to join you in meditating. (If you don’t meditate, invite them to try it with you, at home or in a group environment.)

    70.

    I left the last one intentionally blank for you to fill in. What do you do to make others feel special, and what makes you feel special when others do it for you?

    Finger art image via Shutterstock

  • How To Be The Best Version Of You A Lot More Often

    How To Be The Best Version Of You A Lot More Often

    Happy Woman

    “In chaos, there is fertility.” ~Anaïs Nin

    Are you a calm creature in your yoga class, then you get home and yell at your kids?

    Do you ever read a really inspirational book or blog and think, “Yes! That makes total sense, and I’m going to start doing that!” Then life gets busy and it never quite happens?

    Do you ever feel like you’re two different people living in the same body? Saying one thing, doing another?

    Me too.

    For the past fifteen years I’ve been a self-development junkie.

    I’ve read tons of books and I’ve attended courses and loads of amazing workshops. These covered everything from parenting to time management, relationships to getting organized, healthy eating to setting up a business, plus anything to do with spirituality and personal growth.

    All of these have inspired me with an array of fantastic ideas—but often they remained just ideas, floating around in my head without any action plan behind them.

    On the mat at my local yoga center I was the calm, peaceful, positive soul I craved to be. Yet, when I got home and re-entered my chaotic reality, it felt like just a temporary illusion.

    I was straight back to my grumpy, irritable, impatient “other self.”

    What was wrong with me? How could I be so Jekyll and Hyde?

    How could I more consistently be the “me” I loved being around?

    I was writing in my journal one day when I began to list the qualities I show when I’m being my best version of me.

    • Kind
    • Lighthearted
    • Playful
    • Calm
    • Relaxed
    • Positive
    • Present

    I knew what brought out the best in me—yoga, inspiring workshops, running in nature, laughing with friends, dancing my socks off, getting stuck in an amazing book.

    Then I listed what the poor version of me looks like.

    • Irritable
    • Impatient
    • Snappy
    • Short-fused
    • Negative
    • Mind spinning in overdrive!

    I asked myself, “What brings out the poor version of me?”

    • Feeling overwhelmed, with a lot on my plate
    • Too much on my mind, trying to figure things out in my head
    • Rushed, running late
    • Tired
    • Not enough “me” time

    And it occurred to me that, since I know what brings out the worst in me, why not look at each of these things and find ways to make them happen less often?

    I realized that I needed to get a handle on the day-to-day “running the show” stuff.

    To tackle overwhelm and having too much on my plate, I began to take a deep look at my time management. I learned how to say “no,” to delegate, and to structure my days better.

    I began to prepare for success by meal planning, laying clothes out for myself and the kids the night before, and always thinking one step ahead about what I’d need to take with me before going out the door, so I could feel calm and confident that I wasn’t forgetting anything.

    I began to feel less rushed. I was on time.

    Then I got back into a regular journal writing habit. I also had weekly scheduled brain-dumps to get things out of my head and onto paper so I could figure things. I crafted step-by-step action plans to get organized and on top of everything that needed doing.

    Instead of spending my evenings slumped in front of the TV or scrolling mindlessly on my phone, I started having regular candlelit baths and getting into bed earlier, curled up with a good book.

    It was the “me” time I always craved but never thought I had space in my day for. And I was consistent with it. I was finally implementing a lot of the great things I’d read about (hurrah!), and I felt the best version of me coming out more often.

    Once I got on top of the logistics, I felt less stressed and overwhelmed. It was easier to be more mindful and present. I began a daily practice of checking in with myself, asking, “How am I feeling?” listening to the answers and using them to guide me.

    After a lifetime of telling myself “I’m not a morning person,” I began to wake fifteen minutes before the children and used this quiet time to write in a gratitude journal or meditate using an app on my phone.

    It’s helped me stop being so cranky at breakfast and send my kids off to school peacefully, and with love.

    It took recognizing what brings out the worst in me to turn things around. It didn’t happen overnight, but by taking baby steps in the right direction I got there.

    Now I’m able to be my best version of me in my everyday life—not just on the yoga mat.

    If you want to be your best version of you more often, write your answers to the following questions:

    I feel like my best version of me when…

    How I feel about myself when I’m the best version of me…

    It’s easier to be my best version of me when…

    I’m a poor version of me when… 

    What can I learn from these insights? What new habits can I create to make it easier to be my best version of me?

    Inspired actions I will take this week:

    1.

    2.

    3.

    Share in the comments below: What brings out your best and worst you? What can you do to bring out your best self more often?

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • The Best Christmas Gift Ever: Finding Blessings in Challenges

    The Best Christmas Gift Ever: Finding Blessings in Challenges

    Smiling Gingerbread Man

    “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach

    Recently, I began reflecting on a time in my life I hadn’t thought about in a while.

    I began remembering the time when I was five years old and staying with my great aunt and uncle, because the town my mom and I lived in was under siege and unsafe.

    Our town was experiencing some of the heightened turbulence that became quite common in many towns and cities during the Lebanese Civil War, which lasted from the mid-seventies to the early nineties.

    Having the opportunity to stay with my great aunt and uncle for a little while was a treat because they lived in an area that was a bit safer.

    However, I was still uneasy, because my mom could not stay with us due to work commitments.

    Though she would visit us as often as possible, that Christmas she ended up being stuck at her workplace for days longer than she had intended because the route between us had become unsafe to travel.

    This would be the first time in my five years that I would be without my mom for Christmas. Of course as any child would, I cried over it a bit, and eventually was assured that everything would work itself out.

    Christmas Eve arrived, and my great aunt and uncle invited all their friends and family over to celebrate. I had honestly never seen anything like it before! All the food, the music, the people, the tree, the multi-colored wrapped presents—it was sensory overload!

    It was as if magic was happening right before my very eyes.

    I remember sitting quietly in the corner trying to make sense of everything I was seeing, because up to that point it had always been just my mom and me, celebrating on our own in a much less extravagant way.

    After warming up a little bit to the guests, I sat down at one of the longest dining room tables I’ve ever seen, even to this day.

    “Are you going to start eating, child?” one of the guests sitting next to me asked.

    I nodded, and she filled my plate up with foods made up of exquisite colors, flavors, and textures, the likes of which I had never experienced before. I can remember actually pinching myself to make sure I was not dreaming.

    Later in the evening, we heard sounds outside of the front door that resembled bells. The adults all started to clamor and make a big spectacle to encourage my great aunt’s daughter and me (the only kids there) to get excited, because someone very special had arrived.

    We then heard loud knocks at the door. It was Santa Claus!

    In Lebanon, Santas look less like American Santas with a white beard and jolly face, and more like a Halloween character, because they wear a plastic Santa Claus mask

    I remember being frightened of this Santa, but one of the adults in the room assured me he was safe and friendly. I was still a little hesitant, but soon warmed up to him.

    Now that Santa Claus had arrived, it was time to open up the shiny, packaged presents. I think there must have been more than a hundred presents under the tree.

    One by one, Santa passed out all the presents. Everyone sat in a circle, and everyone opened their gifts, one person at a time.

    It was such a lovely sight to see each person receiving their gifts. And it was especially fun to see my cousin, who was the same age as I was, so full of joy with each present she opened.

    It was also funny to see how impatient she would get, because she had literally received forty to fifty gifts, and had to wait her turn to open them.

    As the last present was opened, I felt like I was in a euphoric, almost dream-like state after all the joy I had witnessed.

    While I was in this state, one of the adult guests turned to me, and with what seemed to be a particularly loud voice, asked, “Where are your gifts?”

    I remember explaining to him that my mom and I usually drew pictures and sang songs as our Christmas gifts to each other, but that she was at work right now and would be coming back for me soon.

    I also shared that I was happy just watching others celebrate, because I had never seen such magic before.

    The guest looked a little confused by my answer, and then announced to everyone what had just happened: that I was the only one, and a child, mind you, who had not received a gift.

    Although I now know that the guest meant well, his announcement shifted the energy of the room from one of joyful celebration to one of utter silence, where all eyes were looking at me with sympathy.

    The adults’ comments poured in: “Oh, how sad!” and “I feel so bad for him!” while others asked me if I was okay.

    I wasn’t really sure why everyone’s behavior had changed so quickly, but I do remember wondering if something was wrong with me because of what had just happened.

    A few adults hugged me and said things like, maybe I needed to be a better boy in the coming year so that Santa wouldn’t do that again.

    And then came the comment that I now consider one the greatest gifts I’ve ever received.

    “You’d think this child was invisible, the way he was forgotten!” one of the adults stated.

    In that moment, I excused myself and walked to the bathroom, while still keeping a smile on my face, as though none of the comments and behaviors in the room had fazed me, even though inside I felt quite the opposite.

    As I think back now, I really admire how that little kid in me was able to keep it together the way he did.

    While in the bathroom, after processing through the embarrassment I had just experienced and feeling sorry for myself, I remember having a deep inner sense that one day when I was grown, I would understand why all of this had happened.

    Flashing forward to present day, I wondered why this specific memory kept coming up in my awareness.

    Was it because of the holidays? Why had it not come up much before? So I meditated on it, and asked the Universe, what purpose did this memory have in my life, at this present time?

    Within about a minute, I received the following message:

    “Because of this and several other similar experiences you have had in your life, where you were made to feel invisible and as though you did not exist, you received one of your greatest gifts in life. You received the gift of compassion. Not to be mistaken with sympathy, which you personally experienced on that Christmas Eve, where all the guests felt sorry for you.

    “You received the gift of being able to connect with the true essence of a person, where you know only wholeness resides.

    “If you notice, you have since made it your greatest priority in life for others to feel seen, heard, acknowledged and understood for who they really are. So although your gift that Christmas Eve didn’t come in a shiny wrapped package, you truly received the greatest gift of all.”

    After receiving this message, I instantly felt a joy rise up in my being and felt as though I was lit up like a Christmas tree. An epic healing had just taken place within me, and a full resolution had been made.

    Looking back, that Christmas Eve really did bless me with one of the greatest gifts one could ever receive. It led me down a path to where I was able to connect with people on a heart-to-heart level. What a gift! For that, I am forever grateful.

    I share this experience with the hope that you too are able to recognize the gifts you’ve been blessed with, even if they were birthed during times of great challenge.

    As you look back over this past year, you might be wondering what gifts could possibly be hidden inside times of loss or struggle.

    But there is always a gift. A journey of physical pain can lead to knowledge about healing. Financial hardship can lead to an understanding of true abundance. An emotional loss can lead to the realization that love is something we create within ourselves.

    Whatever challenges you’ve faced, take a moment and ask yourself, “What gift have I gained from this experience?”

    You may have many gifts that lie unseen, waiting for you to claim them. Tap into the wisdom that will show you those gifts.

    I know there are great blessings there, waiting for you to open up and receive them.

    Gingerbread cookie image via Shutterstock

  • How To Change The Past By Changing Your Thinking

    How To Change The Past By Changing Your Thinking

    “The most positive action we can take about the past is to change our perception of it.” ~Deepak Chopra

    Death didn’t happen quickly like in the movies.

    A compassionate nurse set the tone and gently guided us through the ordeal. Mom, Dad, my other brother, and I spread out so that one of us held each of Chris’ hands and feet with a person at his head. Time passed in slow motion.

    In horror, I watched for more than an hour as his breathing abated, with the pauses in between his raspy, strained breaths becoming longer and longer. I fervently sent him love and light and wished him peace as I watched the scene unfold through my tears.

    Chris’ lips were chapped and cracked from breathing oxygen through a mask for weeks. A piece of skin on his upper lip fluttered with each breath, but in the prolonged pauses between breaths, it lay still. Each time the skin went inert, I thought, “This is it.”

    But he would take another shallow breath one more time until the flap was frozen and his chest motionless forever. Putting a stethoscope over his heart, the nurse said, “It’s awfully quiet in there.”

    It was New Year’s Eve 1995. After two years of rapidly declining health, Chris, my brother with the wicked sense of humor, flawless taste, and the ability to make me believe he was invincible, succumbed to AIDs at the age of thirty-three.

    In the years following his death, I numbly went on with my life, like I was supposed to, like I had to. Being the mother of two beautiful, energetic young boys, there was plenty to be happy about and thankful for, but I only grew more depressed as the gruesome scenes of Chris’ sickness and death played on an endless loop in my head.

    As time passed, Chris became a distant memory, like a book I knew I’d read once but couldn’t quite recall. I knew how the story ended, but the details were blurred behind a cloud of hurt.

    Over the years, the highlights reel of the ugliness from my eighteen-year marriage and divorce got equal mental airtime along with the drama from a subsequent tumultuous three-year relationship.

    Eleven years after that New Year’s Eve in the hospital, I found myself a depressed, divorced, single mother with no idea who I was or why I was here.

    I couldn’t find anything resembling the strong, smart, feisty sister Chris had loved. In a pill-popping stunt, I tried to commit suicide, which only made things worse—much worse—resulting in a serious brain injury and losing custody of my boys.

    While healing from the suicide attempt, I realized that I had been torturing myself with the painful memories. I was doing it to myself! While this point may be apparent to some, it was a huge “aha” for me, and I also realized that if I was doing it, I could stop it.

    Yes, Chris died and went through a horrible illness. Yes, there were many messy times from my marriage, and hurts from the following relationship. All of it really did happen—no denying that—but I was the one keeping the pain alive and bringing it into the present.

    It really boiled down to making the decision not to do this to myself anymore.

    Because of neuroplasticity, the scientifically proven ability of our brains to change form and function based on repeated behaviors, emotions, and thoughts, the more I dwelled on the sad memories, the more I reinforced them.   

    “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This saying, from the work of Donald Hebb, means that synapses, the connections between neurons, get more sensitive and new neurons grow when activated repeatedly together.

    Our brains also add a subjective tint to our memories by subconsciously factoring in who you are and what you believe and feel at the time of the recollection. The act of remembering changes a memory. So, as I became more depressed and hopeless, the memories became darker.

    But the good news is that the reverse is also true. Neural connections that are relatively inactive wither away, and a person can consciously influence the process in a positive, healthier way. I made the memories stronger and more painful, and I could make them weaker and more loving.

    Through mindfulness and meditation, I learned to become aware of and take control of my thoughts and mind. By realizing my subconscious influences and consciously choosing which ones I allowed to have impact and intentionally inserting new ones, I changed my past.

    Not literally, of course. But by pairing more positive thoughts and emotions with negative memories and feelings and modifying my perspective about past events, I changed their role in my present, which, in turn, altered my brain and life for the better.

    The goal is not to resist painful memories or experiences and grasp at or try to force positive ones instead. That’s almost impossible and leads to its own kind of suffering.

    In his book, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, Rick Hanson writes:

    To gradually replace negative implicit memories with positive ones, just make the positive aspects prominent and relatively intense in the foreground of your awareness while simultaneously placing the negative material in the background….

    Because of all the ways your brain changes its structure, your experience matters beyond its momentary, subjective impact. It makes enduring changes in the physical tissues of your brain which affect your well-being, functioning and relationships.  

    If your head is filled with painful memories of the past, I want you to know that you can change this! I did.

    I certainly still remember Chris’ tragic illness and death, but I choose to focus on the times we laughed so hard that we got the “gigglesnorts.” I prefer to see him on the dance floor working up a sweat. I recall how much he loved me and that adored feeling I had when I was with him.

    I even view his death differently now. Instead of feeling the horror and shock of that night, I can now feel the love and support for him and one another in that hospital room.

    In any life, past and present, there’s always going to be pain, joy, and everything in between. Your experience of your life and your brain are shaped by what you choose to focus on. You can torture yourself with the past or choose better feeling thoughts and memories.

    It really is that simple. Simple, but not easy.

  • 3 Tips to Help You Stop Saying Things You Regret

    3 Tips to Help You Stop Saying Things You Regret

    Woman with hand over her mouth

    “If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind.” ~Buddha

    I initially saw this quote and, in true ego-first fashion, thought of my kids: this’ll be perfect for them. I’ll put it up in the kitchen as a regular reminder to stop pestering each other.

    But then, something a bit deeper poked me gently. Riiight, just for the kids, is it? You’ve got this mastered, then. I guess my true self is not afraid to use sarcasm when it needs to.

    My true self was right (as it always is). When I began to think about those small regrets that plague my running thoughts, so many of them came about because I didn’t adhere to the Buddha’s sage advice.

    Here are a few examples that spring to mind:

    The times I’ve blurted and blathered random nonsense to other parents while waiting for my kids to appear at the school gate.

    The times I’ve made a negative comment about someone.

    The words I’ve chosen when pestering my kids to get things done.

    All my many miserable rants about the usual annoyances in life.

    When I thought about it, I decided there are common themes to the things I say which I later regret. They usually fit into one of three categories:

    • I speak to avoid the discomfort of silence.
    • I speak to unload an ego-driven thought.
    • I speak with negative emotion like frustration or anger.

    Let’s drill down to see where each of these breaks one of the precepts of speaking only good words.

    I speak to remove the discomfort of silence.

    So many times I’ve been in the presence of people when there is an uncomfortable silence and I am desperate to break it. But why? And is it really uncomfortable, or is that just me?

    Inevitably, I end up speaking things that may well be true and kind, but are certainly not necessary. And I end up feeling like a blathering fool.

    Speaking just for the sake of speaking doesn’t help. And sometimes it can hurt, if I’m speaking in a rush, without thinking. So, the next time I’m standing with someone and conversation isn’t flowing, I will always stop myself and ask: is this necessary?

    I speak to unload an ego-driven thought.

    By ego-driven, I mean a thought that makes my self-image feel bigger and better. Gossip fits well into this category. Or bragging. Complaining about a negative situation is another. (Because in the complaining, I’m pointing out what everyone else is doing wrong.)

    If I speak these thoughts aloud, I usually do so with someone I can trust, like my husband, but that does not make it better. Vocalizing something negative about someone else always makes me feel worse, even if I can trust the person I’m sharing it with. It’s just not worth it.

    I speak with frustration or anger.

    This one’s a bit more nuanced, and often comes down to tone. Even if the words themselves are true and necessary (such as: “because you dilly dallied over breakfast, we’re now going to be late for school”), they are not kind. The unkindness often comes through in the tone, if not the words themselves.

    As usual, sage advice seems so simple but is not at all easy to put into practice!

    Here are some strategies to try:

    1. Breathe.

    Take a moment for a conscious breath before speaking. It’s an imperceptible pause, but it allows you the space to consider your comment before it is spoken. Not only does it give you space for second thought, it can somehow magically reframe the situation.

    I’ve found that noticing the simple miracle of breath can cause me to see the current situation in a completely different light.

    2. Respond; don’t react.

    There is a huge difference between a thoughtful response and a knee-jerk reaction. Often, the knee-jerk reaction is fueled by subconscious anxieties.

    Enabling yourself (via #1) to have a thoughtful response means taking control of the situation and not letting your subconscious run your life.

    3. Reflect.

    Use the lapses in judgment when you’ve said something regrettable to consider why you responded the way you did.

    The trigger is usually only half of the problem. It’s worth considering what in ourselves, deep down, was irritated enough to strike back. Being aware of these personal vulnerabilities is what contributes to tremendous personal growth over the long run.

    Ideally the transformation would occur at the level of thought, so words would never have to be checked at the door, as it were. Oh, to have only true, kind and necessary thoughts!

    Until then, this quote is going up on our fridge as a regular reminder for me to tick all three boxes before speaking. I’ll take it one day at a time. (Heck, one hour at a time!) If it rubs off on the kids, all the better.

    Woman holding mouth image via Shutterstock

  • 51 Ways to Feel Happy in 5 Minutes

    51 Ways to Feel Happy in 5 Minutes

    “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” ~Buddha

    For the longest time I lived in the future.

    I had a grand list of all the big things I wanted to do…

    Build a multinational company, become a philanthropist, go on long vacations all over the world with my wife, have a big house with a lovely garden…the list goes on!

    It’s great to be ambitious, I still believe that.

    However, the more I made plans and worked toward my ambitions, the more I reinforced a concept within my mind—that the present is not okay. 

    “Who I am, where I am living, what I look like, how much money I have—none of it is enough for me to be happy now.”

    I had made my happiness conditional on my success, on the “big” things in life.

    One morning, after finishing my Tai Chi session in the park, I noticed a lovely bed of flowers. I had been going to that the park for months but had never noticed those flowers before.

    Being the goal-oriented person I am, I was focused on perfecting my Tai Chi moves. So focused, that I had forgotten that one of the key purposes of Tai Chi is to be more in the present, to be satisfied with life.

    That’s when I realized that my ambitions were blinding me to all that I already have in life.

    I asked myself: Can I be happy with what I already have now, be happy with the little things in life?

    I began to consciously make an effort to realize how beautiful my life is, to be aware of the little things that make the present moment special. We all experience such moments every day. We just don’t notice them. We let them pass by like strangers on an elevator exchanging polite smiles.

    Rather than just smile, I started to give those fleeting moments a hug. I really began to live them.

    I became happier, my energy levels rose, and I became more productive. I stopped worrying about my business—my grand plans for the future!

    My mind still has a habit of flitting between the past and the future, but sometimes it takes only five minutes to bring it back into the present moment, to just feel happy.

    If you are wondering how to do that, try one of these tiny ways:

    Enjoy Nature in the City

    I used to feel like heading out into the lap of Mother Nature every other weekend. Then I asked myself, how could I enjoy nature right in the city?

    1. Watch the leaves fall on a windy day.

    2. Wake up early and listen to the silence.

    3. Look at the clouds and try to find shapes and maybe even faces.

    4. Listen to the birds chirping.

    5. Check out some breathtaking photos on National Geographic.

    6. Watch a butterfly flutter away.

    7. Listen to the thunder on a rainy day.

    8. Sit on a park bench and enjoy the greenery.

    9. Walk barefoot on grass.

    Be Grateful for What You Already Have

    There’s so much in life that we take for granted that many can only dream of. Let’s remember how fortunate we are when we experience these ordinary moments.

    10. Enjoy drinking a glass of water. Eight hundred million people in the world do not have access to clean water.

    11. Be grateful for the food on your plate. Over eight hundred million people do not get enough to eat.

    12. Be grateful for the people in your life.

    13. Just be grateful that you are alive.

    14. Think of ten other things you are grateful for.

    Bring Out the Child in You

    How difficult is it to regain that carefree nature of childhood when you are older? Go ahead, do something silly and have a good laugh!

    15. Read an Archie comic book.

    16. Blow soap bubbles.

    17. Catch snowflakes with your tongue.

    18. Take a walk in the rain.

    19. Lick a fast melting ice-cream.

    20. Practice your Kung Fu moves or air guitar in front of the mirror!

    Enjoy a Hobby

    Do you have time for hobbies? I used to feel that I didn’t, until I figured that a hobby does not require half an hour a day. Five minutes is enough.

    21. Play a song on your guitar (or any instrument).

    22. Listen to a song you love. (Keep a playlist in your phone).

    23. Better still, sing aloud.

    24. Learn a new dance move from YouTube.

    25. Capture an urban scene with your camera phone.

    26. Read your favorite part from that novel you really love.

    27. Read a new book for just five minutes before you go to bed.

    Take Care of Yourself

    You might be giving time to your work, your ambitions, and your family. Are you taking good care of yourself?

    28. Exercise for just five minutes—skip rope, jog, do five pushups and squats. Exercise releases endorphins, which make you happier.

    29. Relish a delicious serving of fruits.

    30. Pen down your thoughts in a journal.

    31. Tidy up a corner of your house.

    32. Meditate for five minutes.

    Love Yourself

    Before I felt that I had enough in life, I had to love myself enough.

    33. Think of five things that you love about who you are as a person.

    34. Every night before going to bed, think of at least one thing you achieved on that day, however small or insignificant it might seem.

    35. Give yourself a hug. (It works.)

    Do Something for Someone Else

    Giving creates a feeling of abundance like few other things do.

    36. Feed a stray dog or cat.

    37. Help a neighbor with an errand.

    38. Help out a coworker with your expertise.

    39. Send flowers and a card to that relative you haven’t spoken to in years.

    Connect with People

    Work was an excuse for me to not find time for my loved ones. Does it really take much to cherish these relationships?

    40. Call a friend and say hello. (Don’t text!)

    41. Cuddle with your partner in the morning.

    42. Call your parents.

    43. Remember a happy moment with your loved ones.

    44. Forgive someone for a small offense. (This makes it easier to forgive people for the big offenses.)

    45. Apologize to someone.

    46. Look at old pictures that bring back memories.

    Indulge Your Senses

    No, you don’t need to go to a spa!

    47. Slowly sip a good cappuccino.

    48. Listen to the sound of an ocean track (on the internet).

    49. Sit in the sun (on your terrace or backyard).

    50. Light aroma candles or incense sticks, like lavender or lemongrass.

    51. Feel the wind in your hair as you drive.

    None of these things are grand or profound, and that’s the whole point. I now believe that life becomes happier and so much more special if we start to enjoy the little things.

    There are, of course, times when I still worry about the future. That’s when I just go ahead and do something on this list. It usually doesn’t take me long to realize just how lucky I am, and I stop worrying.

    What other tiny ways can you think of to feel happy in just five minutes? What will you try out today?

  • Being Grateful for the Ordinary: The Life We Have Is Enough

    Being Grateful for the Ordinary: The Life We Have Is Enough

    Woman with Hands Raised

    “If we do not feel grateful for what we already have, what makes us think we’d be happy with more?” ~Unknown

    From time to time during my schooling years I’d be asked to identify my role models. I always chose someone who’d changed the world in a big way—Martin Luther King Jnr, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi.

    I never looked within my own life for role models. I had lovely parents and great teachers, and still, I was always looking well beyond what was right in front of me. I was always striving for something more, out there, beyond my own life.

    As I reflect back, I see the dissatisfaction that this bred. I see how little I valued myself and by extension, my immediate surroundings. Somehow it all seemed… not good enough.

    People and experiences that were far away from my hometown seemed so much more important and exciting.

    It wasn’t until I started keeping a gratitude journal that this really began to change. I started the journal because I was depressed. Not sad—can’t-get-out-of-bed-or-even-talk-to-anyone depressed.

    It would hit me on and off over the years, and the only coping mechanism I had at the time was to hide in my bedroom and breathe through the long and agonizing hours, waiting for it to pass.

    A gratitude journal was the first tool I had to help me shift the fog. I would start very simply with the breath. I’d express gratitude that there was breath in my body (although at times I wasn’t even grateful for that).

    Then I’d be grateful that I had a home and a bed to rest in while I recovered. I would then build from there in an attempt to find at least five things I was grateful for that day.

    I wrote in that gratitude journal for a good couple of years before I started to see significant shifts in my perception of life. It was a slow and gradual process, but with each list I subtly turned my focus away from the world outside and toward my own life. Eventually, I turned my focus within.

    As I began to value myself and my life more deeply, I also valued those around me more. I stopped judging them or dismissing them as unimportant.

    I stopped thinking that there might be better people to be spending my time with or emulating, and I started appreciating the people who were right in front of me.

    Eventually, that brought me to appreciate my favorite role models of all time; a small handful of yoga students that I used to teach in an outdoor space by the ocean each Friday morning.

    The students were all women and they were all over the age of fifty.

    Although I’m sure they had very full lives and many reasons not to get out of their comfortable beds each Friday morning to do yoga, they would show up week after week, no matter the weather.

    Some had injuries, some were recovering from illness and some were simply not as strong as they once were. It was this fact that most impressed me. 

    When you’re young and ably bodied, it’s not overly challenging to do something like yoga. Your body is reasonably supple and your muscle tone hasn’t atrophied with the passing of time. As you age, it’s easier to find excuses—arthritis or a bad hip, the onset of an illness, or injuries in your back or knees.

    There’s a saying in yoga that the most difficult part of the practice is doing the practice. I’ve often found this to be true in my own life. It’s even more challenging when it’s dark outside and rainy and cold, and the alternative of staying in bed is right there in front of you.

    But here were these women—perfectly ordinary, everyday women—making choices that made them extraordinary.

    Every week they were the embodiment of the wisdom I’d learned through my gratitude journal; that with persistence and in small gentle steps, lives are transformed.

    Those beautiful students came every week on faith and on trust. They worked hard to build upper body strength and flexibility.

    I saw each of them giving it their all, and although I didn’t know them outside of the classroom, I knew that they understood the value of commitment, the value of continuing even when things are tough, and most of all, I knew that they were brave.

    After class I would watch them swim in the ocean (no matter the season).  They would swim and then they’d have breakfast together. Over breakfast they’d share stories about their lives.

    Watching them, I realized something else about these women. They were women who knew how to build community around them. They weren’t isolated and lonely; they were a part of something. 

    They’d found a place to come together, to connect with themselves, to connect with nature, and to connect with each other.

    In witnessing the simplicity and authenticity of this weekly ritual, I felt a deep gratitude that I’d been privileged enough to be both participant and witness.

    I realized too that my gratitude journaling days had come full circle. That gratitude was no longer something I needed to draw from the depths of my being as a means of abating depression, but was instead a living, breathing everyday experience.

    And in that moment there stopped being somewhere to go and someone to admire who was better, more accomplished, more intelligent, or more influential than me. There was, quite simply, the world and every living being within it.

    All teaching through their actions and all learning through their interactions. All role models to one another and for one another. In that moment there was no separation and no isolation. There was only oneness, and it was all home.

    Taking steps toward change can be so much simpler than we realize. We can start by noticing what’s around us and finding something to be grateful for in that.

    We can stop looking far away for role models in the recognition that we’re surrounded by teachers everyday, and they’re showing up as our friends, family members, colleagues, and neighbours.

    We can stop trying to force change to occur immediately and relax into the realization that change occurs through repetition and commitment—by continuing a practice (such as a gratitude journal) even when we’re not sure if it’s making a difference.

    And we can remind ourselves that we always have a choice. We can choose to be a victim of our life circumstances or we can choose to build on what we have right in front of us.

    My students could easily have stayed home, focusing on what their bodies could no longer do and what they felt they’d lost.

    Instead, they chose what they could do. They could show up. They could build community. And in so doing they declared in actions rather than words, “We are enough. This life is enough and we are grateful.”

    I couldn’t think of a more appropriate prayer to guide us each and every day.

    Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock