Tiny Buddha

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  • How To Stop Being A Slave To Your Emotions

    How To Stop Being A Slave To Your Emotions

    Emotions

    “I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” ~ Oscar Wilde

    Would you describe yourself as emotional?

    Do you feel like your mood can change instantly according to what happens in your day?

    Then you may be a slave to your emotions.

    Being an emotional person and leading with the heart can both be great qualities. Leaning into our feelings allows us to be more self-aware and helps connect us to others. But if we allow our emotions to dictate how we live our lives, it can lead to anxiety, depression, and even have a negative impact on our health and relationships.

    As an empathetic person who feels things deeply, I have learned this lesson the hard way.

    It took me many years to grasp the concept that all emotions stem from thought. As a young woman with low self-esteem, I didn’t realize that my negative self-talk and sensitivity to others’ opinions were having a profound effect on my emotions and moods.

    After years of faulty thinking about who I was and what I had to offer in life, I found myself in my doctor’s office clutching a prescription for anti-depressants. My emotions had officially taken control of my life.

    At the time I had no idea that each negative thought was having a compound effect on how I viewed myself and my life.

    The older and wiser me has learned to be very aware of my emotions and to check in with myself on several levels before allowing them to have the final say.

    Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned over the years to help me manage my emotions rather than allowing them to lead the way. 

    Validate your emotions first.

    When you find yourself riding the wave of emotion, it’s important not to dismiss those feelings. Emotions can be a lot like unruly children in need of attention. Once we validate them, we allow them to be seen and have a voice.

    Feeling our emotions is an important part of life; it’s what we do with them that can create problems.

    For example, if I’m feeling bored, sad, or lonely, I tend to turn to food for comfort. This usually doesn’t end well. As I gain weight I then feel even worse because now my self-esteem suffers. Leaning into my emotions instead of numbing them with food has been a huge part of my process.

    When we validate our emotions, we become more aware and accepting of them, and we begin to understand where they come from. It’s only in this place of awareness that we can see what power they may hold over us. 

    Be aware of your triggers.

    If you know you struggle with specific emotions, such as anger, jealousy, or fear, try to become aware of the circumstances that trigger them.

    In my own life, I have learned that I often feel angry when I am disrespected or unappreciated. So if I ask my kids several times to do something and they ignore me, I feel anger beginning to rise inside.

    Not too long ago I would have given in to the emotion and started to shout, whereas nowadays I’m able to tune in to the preceding thought—they don’t respect me—recognize that it isn’t true, and avert the anger. 

    Awareness is power; it gives us the control to choose how we respond.

    Always remember that emotion is derived from thought. If we find ourselves experiencing strong emotions, it’s helpful to examine the thoughts that preceded them. Then ask the question, are these thoughts based on truth, or my perception of the truth? 

    Write it down.

    One of the biggest tools in helping me deal with my emotions has been to write them down. I have been journaling daily for about three years now, always asking questions about my emotions and trying to dig beneath the surface-level thoughts.

    If I feel at the mercy of my emotions, I’ll ask a simple question in my journal, such as, why do I feel so overwhelmed today? From there I can work back through the sequence of events and thoughts that have led me there.

    I will then ask a positive action question to engage with another emotion, such as, what is one positive thing I can do for myself right now?

    If you don’t have time to write, try to at least ask the questions.

    Take responsibility.

    How many times have you told someone that his or her actions made you feel a certain way? For example, “You made me angry when you were late.”

    It’s true that other people’s words and actions affect us, but we also need to take responsibility for the emotions we feel in response to those words and actions. No one can make you feel anything; it’s always your choice.

    So often the reactive emotions we feel are based on our own perception of the truth, and on the things that matter to us. Being late may be one of your triggers for anger, but for someone else it may be their norm and no big deal.

    Consider also that people act a certain way based on many influences that differ from your own, such as culture, upbringing, beliefs, and life experiences.

    Take time away.

    When you’re strongly connecting with a negative reactive emotion, it’s important to take time away from the person or situation you are reacting to. Never act on strong emotion. Wait until you are feeling calm and have given yourself time to rationalize and think. Only then should you act. 

    Even if the emotion is a positive one, it can still lead you down a destructive path. How many times have you done something you later regret in the name of love?

    Create your mantra.

    It’s easy to say, “Take time away,” but hard to do in the heat of the moment. If I find myself beginning to anger and I’m not able or quick enough to remove myself from the situation, I try to connect with my mantra. A mantra is just a word or short phrase that helps you become aware of your emotion and not be controlled by it.

    The word I use is “soft” because I associate this with a gentle temperament. For you it may be something completely different, depending on the emotion you are most reactive to.

    Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you are not your emotions—you have the ability to decide if they lead you or if you lead them.

    As you build awareness and learn to recognize your triggers, you will become increasingly savvy about when your emotions are serving you well and when you may need to take charge of them.

    Emotions image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Trying to Fit In and Finally Belong

    How to Stop Trying to Fit In and Finally Belong

    Puzzle People

    “Perhaps home is not a place, but simply an irrevocable condition.” ~James Baldwin

    It’s normal, isn’t it?

    Wanting to be accepted. Longing to feel at home. Hoping for that reassuring up-nod from the universe that says, “You’re one of us. And you get to stay.”

    So you try to fit in wherever it feels right. You get the job everyone approves of. You marry the person you’re supposed to. You say yes most of the time. And you’re as good as you’re supposed to be.

    You’ve jumped through every hoop and worn all the right masks, but it seems that all your efforts still aren’t good enough. You’re sick of trying to fit in. You just want to feel like you belong the way you truly are.

    I know what it’s like to ache for belonging.

    After six years in a convent as a teenager, I decided it was time to try life on my own. But when I stepped off the plane back home in Memphis, I didn’t feel like I was “home” at all. I was a complete stranger. Nothing seemed to fit.

    I was no longer the girl of fourteen my parents had sent away. But I certainly wasn’t the competent woman in her twenties that I now appeared to be, either.

    The convent where I had spent my youth never thought to give me a transition plan. They didn’t give me medical coverage. Nor did they give me a housing allowance or an education voucher. All they gave me was an orange sweater and a pair of jeans that were too big for me. I set out and had to wing it all on my own.

    Nothing could prepare me to rejoin a world I had never lived in. But even though I was short on book smarts, I picked up pretty quickly on all I needed to know to fit in. I learned that people don’t like you using their stuff. I discovered that men like a woman who’s up for anything. And I found that I got prettier when I drank.

    Acting how I thought I had to be only left me cheated and mistreated, with no friends and way too many hangovers.

    All I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were. To land on something familiar. To get my bearings. To feel at home.

    I had a long way to go . . . but I finally got there. Not to the address I left when I was fourteen, but at home with myself, which is where I always belonged.

    What Does It Take to Truly Belong

    Everybody tries to fit in because they desperately want to feel at home wherever they are. But fitting in will never get you home. Fitting in is about trying to adapt to a world that’s not your own. You don’t belong there.

    Belonging is about inhabiting the world as the real you. And the hard reality is that you’ll never fit in where you don’t belong. Here’s what it actually takes to truly belong where you’re meant to be—even if you don’t seem to fit in anywhere.

    1. You have to rock the boat.

    For the longest time, I hid the fact that I’d been in a convent. It was a complete embarrassment to me. I thought I would never be accepted if I led off with, “Hi, I’m Anne. I was in a convent.” It was scary being the black sheep, so I kept it a secret.

    But living like my whole life never happened became exhausting for me. I finally just rocked the boat and talked about it.

    Nothing shocked me more than the reactions I got. People thought I was trying to convert them. Or worse, recruit them! They stopped using profanity every time they saw me. They retorted with stories about crusty, old nuns hitting them with rulers in school. One guy even told me, “You’ll never be nasty enough to be with me.”

    When I rocked the boat, some people who were on board fell out. Surprisingly, though, the people who loved me never went away. And at last I felt completely at home in my own skin.

    Trying to fit in only molds you into what you think other people want to see. Stop trying to force yourself into someone else’s skin. Only when you can truly be the person you enjoy being can you finally belong where you’re meant to be.

    2. You have to build your dreams, not someone else’s.

    My first job out of the convent was typesetting at a print shop for $7.25 an hour. I was ecstatic. But I quickly learned that career climbing the “right way” meant I had to make more money. So I settled for being an executive assistant, a biologist, an editor, a music teacher, an environmental educator, and a whole lot more besides. I was rich, but I wasn’t doing what I truly wanted to do.

    I love to write. And inspire. And empower people. I can get a salary anywhere, but I don’t feel at home unless I’m doing what I love.

    Fitting in makes you an expert at doing what other people want. Stop trying to be accepted where you’re not allowed to fulfill your own desires. Belonging is all about actualizing your potential. You will always belong where you can follow the dreams of your heart.

    3. You have to forget the “cool people” and find your people.

    I was a bit of a good-time girl when I got home from the convent. Not because I was having such a great time, but because I was trying to fit in with the ones who thought they were. They were the cool people, and the cool people needed me.

    I felt worthwhile when they needed me to be their arm candy. I felt accepted when they needed me to bring the party favors. And I felt necessary when they needed me to be the designated driver.

    Funny thing, though. They didn’t need me when I wanted to be alone. They didn’t need me when I hung out with insightful people. But more and more, the insightful people started feeling like my people. They didn’t want a thing from me. They didn’t need me.

    They already treated me like I was important and acceptable. They convinced me that I was already necessary and worthwhile. They simply wanted me to grow and thrive. And I felt right at home with them.

    When you try to fit in with everybody who wants a piece of you, you open the floodgates to drama and neediness and negativity. And that stuff consumes you. Stop hanging out with people who consume you. You belong where people support and nourish the better parts of you.

    4. You have to make “me first” your mantra.

    I started out as a crowd-pleaser. It was so much easier to follow along and tell people what they wanted to hear. I fit in best when I said, “You come first.” It was all about them—whatever they wanted to hear and whatever they wanted to do.

    But fitting in with the crowd only made me lose myself. I finally got tired of bending over backwards for everybody else. I got sick of putting myself last.

    I knew I had opinions. I knew I had a voice and my own preferences. I knew that I mattered. So I began living that way.

    Fitting in makes you lose yourself to please the crowd. Stop putting everyone else before you. Belonging means that you matter just as much as anybody else does. Only when you know that you count enough to come first will you finally feel at home.

    5. You have to know that you’re already okay.

    When I got home from the convent, dating was a nightmare. I felt like I had to keep moving forward just to keep pace with everybody, like I was in some kind of race I never signed up for.

    “You’ve got a boyfriend! When are you getting married?” So I got married.

    Then it was, “You’ve been married three whole months! When are you having kids?” So I tried to have kids. But I couldn’t. Then all I heard was, “When are you visiting your doctor again?”

    In reality, I was done. I wanted kids, but after six years of untreated health conditions I was unable to. And I was devastated by this. I felt like I should keep trying because everyone was pressuring me to. But living like everybody thought I should only made me believe that my life was empty.

    So I decided to fill myself up with what I wanted. I mentored kids in foster care. I tutored young adults in math and science. I ran a music program for mentally challenged high-schoolers. After a while, I didn’t even need to get pregnant. There was no need to run that race. My life was full. I already had the prize.

    When you try to fit in, you let imaginary standards measure when you’ve arrived. And you never, ever get there. Stop looking outside yourself to see if you’re pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, or rich enough. You will always belong where you know that you already are enough.

    Time to Feel Completely at Home

    Want to know the truth about belonging?

    It takes courage to belong. It takes bravery to show up in your own skin.

    It’s easy to fit in. It’s easy to blend in and hide your outrageousness.

    And it’s also the easiest way to lose the precious parts of you.

    You deserve to be seen. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be known for the real deal that you are.

    Stop taking the easy way out. Stop trying to fit in.

    The best place in life is where you’re already okay.

    Come home to you. It’s where you belong.

    Puzzle people image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stay Calm in Frustrating Situations (Even if You Have Zero Patience)

    How to Stay Calm in Frustrating Situations (Even if You Have Zero Patience)

    No Stress

    “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha

    Uh-oh, you did it again.

    You fell into the same trap as last week.

    Perhaps someone was driving in front of you going 20 in a 55 mph zone, or maybe you received terrible customer service and couldn’t get your refund.

    So you snapped and lost your temper.

    Whatever the reason for your explosive reaction, you haven’t yet found a way to keep control and remain calm.

    Becoming impatient and losing your temper is sort of like smoking cigarettes. Sure, one or a few hundred won’t kill you.

    But compounded over time it’ll secretly damage you from within by alienating yourself, negatively influencing your kids, and indirectly pushing your spouse or close ones away.

    Despite your situation being a big deal, you may not know where to begin to fix it.

    You feel powerless to control it, so you continue sweeping it under the rug.

    How I Unknowingly Inherited and Cultivated an Unwanted Trait

    For most of my life and practically all stressful encounters, I’d become frustrated and lose my temper. I didn’t realize I was subconsciously “practicing” negativity each time I did that.

    I was acting out an unwanted behavior repeatedly, over and over to the point of mastering pessimism.

    I displayed an objectionable outburst for every resented encounter.

    Practice makes perfect, after all. And ultimately, I perfected being negative.

    Sigh … an unwanted skill so simple to obtain.

    My dad learned it from my grandpa, I learned it from my dad, and I’ve unintentionally passed it on to my two little daughters.

    My impatience infected my family. This endless cycle needed to end.

    For years, my family stuck with me no matter what, and my guilt coaxed me into trying to finally put a stop to it all.

    I tried many things over the years to conquer my impatience—everything from meditation to conscious laughter—and while these methods might help others, they didn’t really work for me.

    So I struggled trying new tactics—until I found what worked.

    Through a lot of trial and error, I’ve finally conquered it with the following techniques:

    1. Curse if you have to.

    We all know cursing is a bad habit to begin with, but we need to start somewhere, especially when reacting to situations that set us off.

    The moment you instinctively curse, take that as your audible cue to immediately inhale deeply. Visualize negative energy purging from your body as you exhale.

    Repeat a few more times to generate a feeling of calm and control.

    It can be hard to quit cursing cold turkey, so allow yourself to curse, notice when you do, and then use breathing exercises to calm yourself down.

    You’re ultimately aiming to replace your expletives with calming breaths the instant a stressful situation arises.

    It’s advisable to curse when alone—not at others or around those who might be offended (such as parents with children).

    2. Do not walk away to cool off.

    Instead of walking away to cool off, do the opposite and face the stress head-on by training your brain to “visualize calm” at the moment the stress occurs.

    I found that walking away is like a pause button. It only delays the inevitable but doesn’t fix the root of the problem. I wasn’t reprogramming my brain to react positively when the stimuli occurred.

    So for me, visualizing calm was my baby daughter sleeping; for others, a waterfall may do.

    When losing our cool, we snap without thinking.

    By forcing yourself to visualize calm the moment the stress takes place, you are essentially diffusing it as a potential trigger.

    You’re nipping it in the bud before it escalates.

    3. Fight stress with more stress.

    Creatively think of another stressful situation that’s ten times bigger than the one you have now, then juxtapose them to realize that your initial stress isn’t such a big deal anymore.

    These two stressors should be related to each other for this to work.

    So what’s worse: being late for a job interview, or getting into a mangled car wreck because you were tailgating?

    4. Learn to love your enemy in less than sixty seconds.

    Instead of becoming irate toward the person you feel has wronged you, visualize a loving family member, a caring friend, or anyone close to you in their place instead.

    Imagine for a moment that you’re driving to work going the speed limit when all of a sudden someone going half your speed abruptly cuts in front of you, prompting you to slam on your brakes.

    If that were a stranger, you would lose your mind in a heartbeat.

    But you can change the whole dynamic. If it were your mother, you would relax in a second and be thankful you didn’t accidentally hurt her.

    You’ll feel an overwhelming sense of peace and accomplishment when you can throw your ego out the window and care about a total stranger.

    And what if the person you’re frustrated by is a family member? For me, this one’s easy. I think of one caring act they have done for me in the past.

    5. Apply the asteroid scenario test.

    Simply put, if an asteroid hit Earth and life as we know it was about to end, you’d have a choice:

    Would you really spend your final days stressing and worrying about something you have absolutely no control over?

    Or would you be happy with your loved ones with whatever time you have left?

    Extreme situation, I know, but you need to decide and move forward.

    Learn to ascertain what you cannot control and acknowledge this with unwavering acceptance. Then focus on positive steps you can control instead.

    6. Accept criticism gracefully.

    By accepting criticism without malice, you are neutralizing any tension and strengthening your poise under pressure. You can think of it as psychological judo by redirecting someone else’s verbal attacks away from you.

    Yes, you will feel hurt and angry, and you’ll feel the sting afterward. That’s completely normal.

    But instead of retaliating impulsively and getting into a heated argument, remember that you can either leave this unstable mess as it is or you can add more fuel to the fire and make it bigger than it already is.

    Choose wisely and pick the lesser of the two evils.

    No matter what situation you face, know this fact:

    You have the power to make a choice. Never, ever give that power away.

    Don’t waste your precious energy on things that accomplish absolutely nothing.

    I’ve Finally Arrived

    It’s quite an achievement: I feel closer to my family than ever.

    I gradually see my daughters “unlearning” how to be impatient. They followed suit without being aware of it.

    It’s a work in progress, but pleasing nonetheless.

    It’s simply amazing how others absorb your warm energy.

    I communicate so much easier with my loving wife too. Of course, we do have minor quibbles here and there, but we don’t have any sarcastic sharp-tongue arguments now!

    Everything feels healthy and balanced.

    Start Small in the Right Direction

    Engaging in stress is a daily ritual all of us fall victim to with absolute ease.

    Make a conscious effort to catch yourself if you falter.

    Wait too long and you risk boiling it over. It’s too late if you’re already worked up.

    And if you’re dead-set on knowing you’ll fail, you will. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    So take a stand.

    Make an effort to change for the better each instance you feel something simmering from within you.

    Use perseverance as a vehicle to your destination.

    Your family, everyone close to you, and your own happy life are waiting for you.

    No stress image via Shutterstock

  • Imagine Living a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From

    Imagine Living a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From

    Happy Man

    “Instead of wondering when our next vacation is we should set up a life we don’t need to escape from.” ~Seth Godin

    I was a senior human resources professional at the biggest company in New Zealand. I had a great team of people, a flash company car, and got to stay at the posh hotels and dine at the nicest restaurants.

    I was paid more than I thought I’d ever earn, I had a house overlooking the beach, and got to vacation at some fantastic destinations. My life had all the hallmarks of success from the outside, but inside there was a hole in my soul.

    I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I left school (or even a decade after), but I was taught what success looked like—a high salary, job security, a fancy title, and the higher up the ladder you went, the better. But my experience didn’t really fit this model.

    I’d had a feeling for some time that the corporate world wasn’t for me.

    In the morning I struggled to put on my work shoes and dress for the office, preferring to be bare foot on the beach in my shorts.

    I hated being stuck inside. Some days I’d never get to go outside my office. It just didn’t seem like me, but it paid well and every time I got promoted people would tell me how great it was.

    Eventually I had enough of climbing the ladder, pretending to be important, checking emails at 10pm, attending back-to-back meetings, commuting in city traffic jams, and sitting for hours in front of a computer screen, my phone constantly going.

    I would sit in meetings talking about strategies and adding value while looking outside, daydreaming of where I’d rather be.

    I was exhausted, unhappy, and I kept getting sick. It wasn’t so much the stressful job that tired me; the really exhausting part was pretending to be something I wasn’t, committing to things that didn’t matter to me, and selling out on my values and purpose.

    The further I climbed, the more I earned, and the more successful people told me I was, the unhappier I became. I had a full bank account but an empty soul. I thought there must be more to life than that.

    When I told people I did not find my job fulfilling, they looked at me like I had two heads.

    “Why would you expect it to be? It pays the bills; that’s its purpose. There isn’t anymore.”

    For a moment I thought maybe I wasn’t being grateful. I was lost in the cycle of wanting more; perhaps I was looking for greener grass? There was only one way to find out, so I took the leap, quit my job, and walked away.

    Many people thought I was brave for making the decision to leave such a good job without any qualification to do anything else and no other job to go to. Many more thought I was crazy.

    But I’m not the only one. Lots of people are now choosing to put their health and quality of life before work and seeking balance. We are beginning to wake up to the fact that it’s important to live our values and spend our days doing things that matter to us.

    Of course, you don’t always have to quit your job to achieve this. There are those who are happy in their work and love what they do, and if that’s you, I salute you.

    For those yet to find that, don’t panic. Think about what you’re good at, what makes you tick, and what you enjoy the most and begin to bring those changes into your life.

    We can all feel trapped in our day jobs, whether it be for the perks, the status, the career progression, or just the need to pay the bills. These are all forms of security, and it’s one of the reasons we spend so long in jobs we can’t bear.

    There is a natural fear of the unknown, a new job, having to retrain, the need to pay the bills.

    A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Whether it’s updating your resume, meeting with recruitment agents, looking at home study courses, budgeting your finances, or sitting down and setting some goals, the key is to make a start.

    Taking a risk into the unknown is scary but also liberating. We are motivated and excited by change, but at the same time it can send us running back to the things we know. It’s all too easy to find excuses to put off making a change and stay where it feels safe.

    We perceive security in our pay checks and the things familiar to us, even if they don’t make us happy, but as Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.”

    I did this for years. Every time I was forced into a change of job I would tell people, “I might try something different this time and do something I really enjoy,” but the call of the familiar pulled me back to the corporate world (not to mention the money I needed to pay the rent and the fact that I wasn’t qualified to do anything else).

    I used to spend my days looking forward to long weekends and vacations. Now I have a life I feel I don’t need to vacate from.

    When I left the corporate world I spent my new found freedom learning to be a yoga teacher, living in Ashrams, and undertaking meditation retreats. I can now put that knowledge and my passion into what I do every day.

    I feel like I help and inspire people, although it’s not all butterflies and rainbows; I earn less, have to get up earlier, and sometimes I don’t know when or where the next job is coming from. But my work is part of my life now rather than an inconvenient interruption to it.

    It keeps me fit and healthy, I get to travel and meet like minded people, and for the first time I feel there’s a purpose and reason to what I do, and it’s a wholesome one.

    I firmly believe in the mantra “Do what you love and love what you do and you will be successful.” I always wanted a job you could turn up for in yoga pants and a hoodie and the best of all, you don’t have to wear shoes!

    Happy man image via Shutterstock

  • Dealing with Verbal Attacks: 6 Ways to Take the Sting Out of an Insult

    Dealing with Verbal Attacks: 6 Ways to Take the Sting Out of an Insult

    Man Yelling

    “Pain can change you, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a bad change. Take that pain and turn it into wisdom.” ~Unknown

    Sometimes other people’s words can stir up very painful emotions in us.

    Do you remember when you felt so disempowered by someone’s remarks that you froze on the spot and couldn’t think of anything to say back to them?

    Or maybe you did say something, but it was so lame that you wished afterward you’d kept your mouth shut and just sucked it all up.

    This happened to me recently when I was helping someone and, instead of gratitude, I received verbal abuse. I learned a valuable lesson from it that I would like to share with you.

    When Words Make You Speechless

    As part of my job, I provided home care for an elderly lady, and from day one I had a feeling we would clash.

    She was eccentric, quick to judge, and unafraid about voicing her opinions. Being a timid person, I always tried to avoid conflicts with such people.

    One seemingly unremarkable day, as I was finishing my duties at her house, I began to engage in small talk with her. I was stunned when she replied out of the blue, “You are so stupid! Your whole being, and the way you are!”

    Within a split second I was swimming in negative emotions, so shocked that I literally froze in my tracks. I stood there in disbelief, unable to say a single word, wrapped in embarrassment and shame.

    Then came the internal chatter. “How could she be so insensitive? Does she realize how hurt I feel? I should say something back, but I just can’t think what.”

    From deep pain to personal empowerment

    I walked away that day vowing never to feel so weakened by someone’s statements again.

    I went over this episode in my mind, looking for answers. Within a few weeks, I no longer felt hurt. Instead, I had developed a new perspective—I needed this experience to resolve something within myself.

    I have had similar incidents since then, and my reaction is now completely different. I’m freer and stronger.

    You can be, too.

    It can take a while, but determination and conscious effort will bring you the gift of a new perspective, just as it did for me.

    Taking the Sting out of Insulting Words

    Being verbally abused hurts. It’s perfectly natural to react defensively—but once the initial shock has worn off, here are six ways you can turn your reaction into something positive.

    1. Allow yourself to ruminate in a healthy way.

    It’s normal to replay upsetting events in your mind to get a handle on them. Done right, introspection is a valuable device for personal growth and empowerment.

    Thoughts and images from a hurtful episode will pop up time and again as long as it still bothers you. So instead of suppressing them, allow them to surface. Observe them—but without obsessing and getting stuck in a mental loop.

    Then, each time memories of the event surface, ask yourself if you are ready to let go of the shame that accompanies them. Think of this process as using an eraser; every time you rub away, the pain will start to fade and soon only a faint mark will remain.

    2. Identify the other person’s (possible) motive.

    In situations like this, convincing yourself you’ve done something wrong can be an automatic reaction.

    Although you’ll never know for sure why someone gains pleasure from dishing out verbal abuse, you can make some educated guesses. Unless the person is a total stranger, you’ll have some understanding about them and you can figure out if they are intentionally malicious or just thoughtless and not worth wasting your energy on.

    But don’t just rely on your own intuition—get a second opinion. Be a detective and quiz mutual acquaintances. They’ll likely share similar stories, and might even add insights that will help relieve more of your emotional burden. (This is not gossip—it’s for your own peace of mind.)

    When I spoke to friends about my experience, I heard nearly identical tales of how this woman had bullied and intimidated others. I knew that bullies are usually suffering themselves, so these stories confirmed to me that she had acted from a state of pain herself, meaning that her words were not true reflections of me.

     3. Turn the spotlight inward.

    To better prepare yourself for the next time you are insulted, spend a little time reflecting on why you are so affected by the words of others in the first place. What beliefs do you hold that contribute to your reactions?

    Think about how, in the heat of the moment, you are so swallowed up by emotions that you can’t think clearly. What creates this storm inside you?

    For me this answer took a while, but I now think it was about pride—I felt my identity was under threat. I was attached to the idea that everyone should treat me kindly, so my world was shattered when someone didn’t.

    Upon reflection, I figured I’d do myself a favor if I didn’t expect to be liked by everybody and instead embraced the possibility that conflicts might occur.

    What beliefs do you hold that might be counterproductive to your emotional wellbeing?

    4. Know what words really are.

    Another thing I learned on this journey was that words by themselves are not harmful. It’s the meanings they carry that make them powerful.

    Imagine having a conversation with someone who speaks a different language than you. Nothing the other person says to you makes sense. You look at them blankly, trying to piece some meaning together out of the jumble of sounds you hear. It wouldn’t matter if they were cursing or flirting—you wouldn’t know the difference.

    So why is it that once you are aware of what these words mean, they have the potential to hurt? At some point you learned to associate words with meanings, but in reality they are just sounds. It’s up to you what you make of them.

    5. Own your vulnerability.

    Open your heart to the possibility of being wounded by others’ words. Life is never a smooth ride, and sometimes other people will hurt you with what they say. They may even render you silent when you’d rather stand up for yourself.

    Remember that a small bump in the road doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you have to hide. Accept that you sometimes won’t have the courage to act, but you can change over time.

    The key, I’ve found, is slowly opening up. Share your true self with others. The more you admit your ”imperfections,” the more others will respect and accept you. Talking things over with friends, family, or even someone neutral makes you more human and relatable.

    As researcher, author, and speaker Brené Brown has said, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” Therefore, to prove your shame wrong, go out there and talk about it. After a while it will diminish and go away.

    6. Resolve to speak up next time.

    All this insight can help you deal with past insults, but what about the next time someone verbally attacks you? After all your reflection and internalizing the importance of bravery, will you be ready to stand up for yourself and fight back?

    Sure enough, I didn’t have to wait too long for another round of insults by someone else. She was big, bold, and brash.

    This time the stakes were higher—we were in the company of other people whom I knew and respected. And this woman didn’t just aim a word or sentence at me; it was an entire barrage of accusations intended to undermine my persona.

    I waited until we were in private. Then I said my piece with real force and emphasis. The end result? She never treated me like that again. And I grew enormously in my own eyes.

    You can do this, too.

    Reclaim Your Inborn Power

    We were all born with a perfect system to take on life’s challenges, be that running away from a tiger or standing up for ourselves.

    If you believe you’ve lost the ability to stand firm in the face of insults, it’s never too late to get it back.

    You’re perfect as you are now, warts, vulnerabilities, and all.

    So don’t let a little wobble like someone’s words throw you off track. Take it in stride and remember they are just sounds that you are giving certain meanings to.

    Because insulting words don’t just have the potential for hurt. They also have immense power to change your life for the better.

    The question is, are you ready to use the verbal attacks of others as fuel for personal growth?

    I was a timid person and I did it—so I know you can, too.

    Man yelling image via Shutterstock

  • You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

    You Can’t Make Someone Love or Commit to You

    “It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on.” ~Unknown

    When we’re deep into something it’s hard to see clearly and to hear advice from others. It’s hard to focus on a solution when we are consumed with the problem.

    It’s the difference between playing and watching a game of chess. It’s so much easier to see checkmate when you’re not the one playing the game.

    That’s what happened to me for the last five years.

    I spent every breathing moment consumed with a man, unable to listen to those who watched me struggle. I spent five years doing everything I could to try to force a man to love me, and in the process I forgot how to love myself.

    For five years I chased. I begged. I cried. Nothing seemed to work. He would come around when he wanted sex but would push me away when he got his fix. It was a never-ending cycle of depression and humiliation.

    I destroyed my reputation and slaughtered my dignity with my crazy behavior, and I still couldn’t understand why he would treat me with such little care. But how could he not? I treated myself with so little love and respect, why would he treat me any different?

    Still, I couldn’t stop. I was afraid that if I did he would forget me. For five years I lived in fear of losing someone I deeply loved but never really had in the first place.

    And then I got pregnant, in the midst of the chaos and passion that was our on-and-off relationship.

    Everyone around me pressured me to have an abortion. I knew they were worried about me, but it just wasn’t for me. I don’t know if it was because I was carrying a child from a man I had loved for so long or if it was guilt, but I just knew I had to keep our son.

    And even though my ex’s only consistency in life was his pattern of not raising his children, I blindly believed he would raise our child. While everyone told me he was going to bail again, I vouched for him. I broke off friendships and I fought with those who dared to accuse his character.

    I was wrong.

    From the moment I told him, he made it clear that he wasn’t going to come through for me. He hurt me during the most vulnerable time in my life. Then months later he told me he loved me.

    We did this back and forth game throughout my entire pregnancy. It felt like an eternal emotional tug of war. It was draining. It was humiliating. It was hurtful. But every time he left I chased him because it was the only thing I knew how to do.

    I chased him out of fear.

    I chased him for me.

    I chased him for our son.

    I chased him for the home and family I had built in my mind for so many years.

    I chased him out of embarrassment for how others would see me. The possibility that people would think I wasn’t worthy enough for him after I got pregnant was more than I could handle.

    And most importantly: I chased him because I was emotionally sick.

    Although I was able to pull him in a couple more times after my son was born, only to be pushed away weeks later, I still held on to hope that one day he was going to wake up and realize he loved me. And the three of us would finally be a family.

    That never happened, of course. My son and I never got that family. And I now know we never will.

    I think the hardest part of this five-year ordeal was accepting that my perspective of reality was just a fantasy I had created in my mind.

    For the longest time I held on to this idea of love and my ex. I put him and our connection on a pedestal. I idolized and worshiped every part of him.

    But when he blocked me from his life, leaving our son fatherless, that pedestal came crashing down, smashing every dream and every good feeling I had for him.

    It was hard to walk up to my friends and say, “You were right.” It was even harder to come to terms with the reality that he is less than perfect.

    Part of me hates myself for holding on for so long. I could have saved myself years of heartache and gallons of tears if I had just accepted that I couldn’t make him love me. Instead, I spent years questioning over and over why he couldn’t.

    I spent another year trying to force him to be a dad.

    If only I had tried harder. If only I had been nicer. If only. If only. It took me years to accept that his actions had nothing to do with me. Just like my uncontrollable behavior and emotional instability was beyond him, his actions were about him and him only.

    He had his first two children in his early twenties. He then had his third child with another woman in his late twenties, and then he had our son in his mid thirties. Four children. Three different women. Three different sets of circumstances and times in his life. All the same result.

    It was never about my son and me. There is nothing I could have done. There is nothing I could have been. The result would’ve been the same: him out the door. Or more precisely, him kicking us out the door.

    He is now in love with someone else. As expected, a baby-free someone else. And he is committed to her—which proves that when a man wants to commit, he will commit. There is no need for us to beg and chase him.

    If a man is not committing to you, or your child, he just doesn’t love you.

    It might sound harsh, but that’s just the way life is.

    Loving someone who doesn’t love us back, or even worse, someone who loves someone else, is the most painful thing in the world. But the most important thing we can do for ourselves is accept that certain things are beyond our control and take responsibility for the things that are.

    We need to listen to that inner voice that tells us we deserve to be loved. And we need to accept that some people will never love us, no matter what we do.

    The grief and the pain will eventually pass. And this will open the door for us to find someone else who will truly love us and give us everything we wanted with our ex.

    But first we have to give up hope. It will never be the way we want it to be. That person you’re waiting on won’t wake up one day and realize they loved you all along.

    Giving up hope is the hardest part of moving on, but it’s the most important.

    We can’t complain about someone hurting our feelings if we keep letting them. We can’t complain about someone mistreating us if we keep coming back. And we can’t complain about wasted time if we keep walking in circles.

    If I had spent the last five years putting the same amount of effort into myself as I did chasing, controlling, and trying to get my ex to love me, I would have been president of the United States by now.

    I will never get the last five years back. It was a lot of wasted time and it was a lot of wasted effort.

    Wasted time is wasted life.

  • Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    Stop Beating Yourself Up: 40 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    “To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    If you’re anything like I used to be, your inner critic packs a powerful punch.

    You’ve got a vicious voice bad mouthing you for much of the day. And when it’s in one of those moods, wow, are you going to suffer.

    It’s no wonder you feel small, disappointed, and ashamed of who you are.

    It’s the reason you lie in bed at night feeling like a failure, convinced you’re a nobody, certain you’re a serial mistake maker.

    It was exactly why I used to just lie in the dark, a lot. Most days in fact. Not sleeping, not even thinking, just lying.

    I was forever longing for my life to go away. I’d gotten so good at beating myself up that each day seemed to present more opportunities to fail, to feel insignificant and never good enough.

    Alone in the dark, I could pretend that all my problems disappeared and that I was free of the stress. I could make-believe that the pressure had evaporated.

    You see, I’d taken on one of those jobs, one of those supposed leaps up the career ladder. But hell, being the head of a college department turned out to be a bad life choice … given my oh-so critical inner voice.

    Every day added to my imagined portfolio of failures. Every day blew another hole in my smokescreen of having any confidence in my ability. And every day, I became more fearful of being exposed as the ‘fake’ I believed I was.

    I felt like I was constantly aching yet feeling numb at the same time, which became too painful to bear. I dragged my shameful self into the college and quit. I left my entire library of books on the table along with my resignation.

    Four years on, even though I’d tried to move on, even changing countries, I still felt the same. No more confident and no less self-critical.

    That’s when I learned that even if I hadn’t packed any belongings, I still took a devastating amount of baggage with me. Even worse, I’d allowed my inner critic to ride passenger.

    That voice—that mean, vicious, ever-present voice—had to go if life was going to be worth living.

    Consciously and patiently, I set out to understand why this self-critical person had become such a huge part of me. I learned how to recognize and counter the habitual negative messages and destructive behavior patterns. I learned how to beat my inner critic, for the most part.

    And now it’s your turn.

    Because it’s time you felt free from the pain of constant self-criticism as well. It’s time you finally stopped beating yourself up over everything you say or do. And it’s time you were able to breathe, smile, and be pleased with yourself, just as you are.

    How? With one simple, small action at a time.

    Some of these ideas will speak to you; some will shout. Others will only mumble. Try a handful that grab your imagination. Add in others from the list over time as you learn to build them into an inner-critic-beating habit.

    1. Keep a self-praise journal.

    Pocket-size is best. Each time you feel pleased by something you’ve done or said, jot it down. Flip through the pages every time you feel your critical voice starting to pipe up.

    2. Write a positive self-message.

    Use a permanent marker and inscribe it on the inside of your shoes.

    3. Diminish your inner critic’s power.

    Repeat a negative thought back in a silly voice.

    4. Update your Facebook status:

    “Happy to be me. Work in progress.”

    5. Send yourself a loving text.

    Keep it, and re-read it often. Appreciate yourself.

    6. Add a positive self-message to an image.

    Put it on your phone and laptop.

    7. Draw a caricature.

    Give your inner critic a silly feature that makes you laugh. Stick it on your fridge.

    8. Make a face or blow a raspberry.

    At your inner critic, not yourself!

    9. Visualize your inner critic.

    Imagine it as an evil gremlin squatting on your shoulder. Each time it speaks up, turn and flick it away.

    10. Look in the mirror.

    Smile and compliment yourself on one quality or trait you like.

    11. Keep a list of self-forgiveness quotes.

    Or sign up to receive daily emails from Tiny Buddha.

    12. Write a list of qualities others like about you.

    Keep it in your purse or wallet.

    13. Write a list of qualities you like about yourself.

    Add it to your purse or wallet as well.

    14. Remind yourself: 

    “No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.” ~Unknown.

    15. End each negative thought with a positive.

    For example, “But I’m human and I can learn not to make the same mistake,” or, “But I have the power to change this.”

    16. Jot down one thing you’d like to be better at.

    Then take one tiny step toward that.

    17. Remember “not good enough” doesn’t exist.

    “I don’t know a perfect person, I only know flawed people who are still worth loving.” ~John Green

    18. Ask yourself why you think you should be good at everything. 

    We all have our strengths and weaknesses. Concentrate on your strengths.

    19. Find one thing each day to reward yourself for.

    Make it something you truly look forward to.

    20. Apologize to yourself.

    Do this every time you recognize self-criticism (tell yourself you’re sorry out loud if you can).

    21. Ring someone you haven’t spoken to in ages.

    Tell them how much they mean to you. The best way to feel better about yourself is to make someone else feel better.

    22. Remember that self-hate is not an option.

    You’re the only person you can guarantee you’ll be in a relationship with from birth to death, so learn to love yourself.

    23. Remember there’s no shame in messing up.

    You’re trying to do something, grow, and contribute.

    24. Break the cycle.

    Admit you made a mistake and ask, “Now what can I do about it?”

    25. Look at a mistake or “failure” in context.

    Will it really matter in a week, a year, or ten years from now?

    26. Recognize that you make fewer mistakes than you think.

    You just criticize yourself repeatedly for the same few.

    27. Drown out your inner critic.

    Put on your favorite feel-good music.

    28. Stop trying to do too much.

    Strike one task from your to-do list that won’t stop Earth from revolving if it isn’t done.

    29. Reflect on how you’re only on this planet for a short time.

    You can either spend it beating yourself up and being miserable or learn to love yourself and be happy.

    30. Stop focusing on the one thing you got wrong.

    Focus on the many things you got right.

    31. Recognize the good you do for others.

    The more you beat yourself up, the less good you do.

    32. Keep a daily, written tally of positive self-messages.

    Increase this by at least one each day.

    33. Physically pat yourself on the back.

    Do this for everything you’ve done well this week.

    34. Look at a satellite image of the earth.

    Realize that you are an important part of this amazing creation.

    35. Realize that over six billion people in the world don’t care.

    Only you care that you made a mistake.

    36. Think of a fun, positive adjective.

    Adopt this as your middle name so that every time you criticize yourself by name, you’ve described yourself in a positive way.

    37. Buy a houseplant.

    When you tend it remind yourself you need this much love and attention.

    38. Note down kind words from others.

    Write them on slips of paper and keep them in a compliment jar. Dip into this whenever you need to counter a negative self-message.

    39. Halt a negative self-thought.

    Use an act of self-care. For example apply hand cream, or give yourself a neck rub.

    40. Stop comparing yourself to others.

    Remember Dr. Seuss: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You!”

    Stop Beating Yourself Up Once and for All

    Beating yourself up leaves you feeling horrible.

    All that constant self-criticism is exhausting. It leaves you aching inside.

    Small, simple actions can bring great leaps in breaking this negative cycle—for good.

    Let these ideas speak to you. Pick the ones that shout loudest.

    Defeat self-depreciating thoughts you’ve heard over and over with conscious, positive acts of self-compassion.

    Stop letting your inner critic overpower you. Fight back with self-love.

  • 9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

    9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

    “The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

    The end of my marriage was a life-shattering event that rocked my world and made me question my existence.

    My breakup led to a full existential, spiritual, and personal crisis.

    After putting the pieces back together, I feel like I’m ready to love again.

    It took me a long time to feel open to another relationship because I was stuck in the past, replaying the story of my former relationship over and over again in my mind.

    I also held a set of disempowering and limiting beliefs that prevented from moving on.

    Some of the sabotaging thoughts that I had to confront included:

    I’m broken.

    I thought a severe heartbreak led to a permanently broken heart. The wounds were so deep and heartbreak so heavy that my ability to love someone else was broken forever.

    No one will ever love me again.

    After my last breakup, I thought I was done. I felt rejected by one person but it felt like that one person represented all women and I wouldn’t find someone else. Ever.

    I have nothing to offer.

    I believed my heart muscle was used up and my capacity to love was depleted. I felt like there was nothing I could give to anyone else because I had given everything I had.

    There must be something wrong with me.

    I believed the harsh comments my ex made about my character, shortcomings, and behavior made me an unworthy person. There must have been something wrong with me because she knew me so well. I’m no innocent bystander here; I said my share of hurtful words and am sorry for them.

    I’ll find the same kind of person again.

    I believed a future relationship would bring more of the same struggle and pain. I’d continue to attract someone like my ex or find myself attracted to someone like that again. Once again, we’d have the same kind of fights and challenges.

    There’s no one out there for me.

    After my last relationship, I came up with a mental checklist of values and traits I wanted in a future partner. I believed the exact person I was looking for likely didn’t exist, and that meant there was no one out there for me.

    I’m a failure.

    I had failed in picking the right partner before and failed in the relationship. And I had failed in a few other things as well. In fact, my beliefs caused me to believe that I was a failure in all parts of my life. And as a failure, I wouldn’t be able to meet anyone new. Who wants to be with a failure?

    Love is too painful.

    After my painful, soul-crushing breakup, I would have preferred to walk through a lion and tiger-filled African safari than get into another relationship. I wanted to play it safe and not take a risk on love again.

    It’s dangerous to be vulnerable.

    In my last relationship I’d put myself out there, revealed almost everything about myself, and placed my heart in another person’s hand. I’d been as vulnerable and open as I could be with my previous partner. But now, after heartbreak, I didn’t want to be open or vulnerable again. I wanted to build large walls to protect my heart so I wouldn’t have to bare my soul again.

    As you can see, I dealt with a full can of worms of negative thoughts and disempowering beliefs.

    If you have similar beliefs because of a breakup, you know that it’s virtually impossible to meet new people and start over again in your love life.

    Here are nine ways to set aside your limiting beliefs and open your heart to a new relationship.

    1. Recognize your limiting beliefs and know that they stem from your past experiences.

    You only believe these things now because of what happened in the past. Beliefs are based on your subjective experience; they can be changed or seen through a different lens.

    2. Remind yourself that the past doesn’t equal the future.

    What happened once can be seen as a teaching experience so you’ll know what to avoid in the future. You are wiser now; your past doesn’t have to repeat itself. You can grow from failure and disappointment.

    3. Challenge every limiting belief you have about relationships.

    When you think a disempowering thought, like “all relationships lead to pain” or “I’ll never find love again,” challenge it. Come up with reasons why those thoughts are not facts.

    If you look around you at friends and family, you’ll find strong relationships that work. Relationships that are filled with commitment, love, kindness, and mutual respect.

    You’ve also likely experienced positive and love-filled relationships in your life. Remind yourself of what’s possible in a loving and wholesome relationship.

    4. Spend less time focusing on your heartbreak and the negative beliefs you’ve developed because of your past.

    Focus more on yourself. Take care of your health by eating better and exercising more. Be more compassionate toward yourself by taking more time off and getting more sleep. Commit to becoming the best version of yourself by working on your confidence, overcoming your fears, and following your dreams.

    Do work that brings you joy, surround yourself with supportive people, and create a zone of positivity around you.

    5. Strive to live more in the present moment by letting go of thoughts about the past.

    When thoughts and feelings about the relationship come up, don’t cling to them. Acknowledge that your mind is pulling you back to the past and wants to drag you through a cycle of pain and sadness.

    Simply acknowledging what your mind is doing will help you be more conscious of its tricky ways. Watch those thoughts pass by like clouds passing in the sky.

    It will help to focus on the task at hand. If you find your mind drifting back to the relationship, just come back to what you were doing before your past popped up.

    6. Look for love all around you.

    What you focus on tends to show up in your life.

    If you look at pain and struggle in the world, you will see more of that. If you search for heartache and loss, you will find that.

    If you keep focused on doing work you love, spending time with people you love, and engaging in activities you love, you will be in a much better place to invite romance into your life.

    7. Become more loving and kind to yourself.

    Become the kind of person you desire to have a relationship with. Work on the qualities that prevent you from being the kind of person you’re capable of.

    In order to become more loving, I had to let go of the ego, anger, and resentment that clouded my life.

    I had to take stock of my life and reflect upon the way I showed up in my relationship. I also had to take responsibility for my shortcomings .

    I realized that I had to reign in my anger, check my controlling behavior, and wash my ego with more love and compassion.

    8. Cultivate more positive views of love.

    Try affirmations, meditations, journaling, and other practices to help you shift your beliefs about love. Interpret events that happen to you through a new framework of love—not the old framework of heartbreak.

    When someone calls you or wants to take you out for dinner, think in terms of the possibilities of a new relationship, not all the things that can go wrong.

    Instead of thinking “here we go again” with new circumstances in your life, remind yourself that you have the opportunity to show up more wisely and with a more open heart.

    9. Find the courage to be open to love again.

    Take small steps to trusting someone, sharing with someone, and opening your heart to someone new. If you’re overwhelmed by the gravity of a new relationship, take it slow and build trust in that person over time.

    I’ve come to learn that relationships can be our greatest spiritual assignments. Even if the worst happens, you’ll be growing and learning as a person.

    A broken heart can lead to an open heart. And an open heart is fertile ground for a stronger and deeper love.

    It’s not too late to set aside your resistance to love and your limiting views of relationships to find the person who’s just right for you.

    Do you have lingering negative beliefs about love? Please share them in the comments below and let me know what you’re doing to work through them.

  • 9 Ways to Help Yourself When You’re Going Through a Hard Time

    9 Ways to Help Yourself When You’re Going Through a Hard Time

    Depressed Man

    “Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    After my father had a stroke, it became too difficult to manage our family’s convenience store, so we decided to sell it. We spoke to several buyers, but a couple was most interested—the same couple who had originally sold us the store years earlier.

    In December 2012, in the middle of the transaction, my father was manipulated and our store and retirement savings were snatched away.

    They convinced my parents to transfer the store space’s lease over to them before selling the business. So we were illegally occupying someone else’s space.

    The landlord sent legal notices and bills to clear the space. We tried to work out a deal with the couple, but it was of no avail.

    I spoke to a lawyer and he said there was no case and that this was a deliberately hatched plan from the outset.

    Long story short, we were faced with two choices: give the store to the couple for peanuts, or clear the store and take our belongings elsewhere without compensation.

    We decided to clear the space, pack all our inventory and belongings, and dump them into our garage at our home.

    My parents could barely open the garage door, and we didn’t know what to do with the stuff. Should we find another location and start our business afresh? Or should we just close this chapter completely?

    I was filled with anger, bitterness, and pain, but I held it in.

    Bills piled up. My brother and I struggled to pay our mortgage payments every month.

    I channeled all my anguish into my work and staying afloat. When someone in my family talked about the situation, I brushed them off and avoided the topic.

    One night in February 2014, I cried. The tears wouldn’t stop. Something had changed in me.

    It was like my heart had to do an intervention and tell me: You have got to stop and feel your pain. You can’t keep going this way.

    I want to share how I finally dealt with my inner demons and shifted to a place of inner peace and acceptance. If you’re going through a tough time, this may help.

    1. Stop assuming the worst.

    After my experience, I noticed that I jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst about everyone, so I made it a point to acknowledge when someone was nice to me, whether it was a loved one or waitress.

    I also tried to be kind in return. This helped me open my heart again.

    It’s tempting to assume the worst when you’ve been wronged, but seeing the best in others will bring out the best in yourself.

    2. Challenge your beliefs.

    I heard the word “struggle” many times throughout my childhood. My father and mother said it frequently. It was ingrained in their consciousness, and as a result, in mine.

    After this experience, I decided to adopt a new belief: that I was meant to prosper.

    As cheesy as it sounds, I hung up I am a winner posters on my bedroom walls. I read stories about normal people like me who transformed their lives.

    I signed up for a life coaching and transformation program. All these things helped me create faith in myself so I could start to live a more inspiring life.

    You don’t have to do the same things, but in your own way, you can start to shed your limiting beliefs and support yourself so you can prosper too.

    3. Turn inward to heal inner wounds.

    I wish I had done this right after we lost our family business, but I was too busy analyzing and strategizing, trying to make things work.

    I felt I had to shoulder all the responsibility and hold my family together, so my emotions remained in my body energetically for some time.

    One day, I wrote down what had happened from my perspective. I put all my feelings on paper and I didn’t hold back. In doing so, I helped myself embrace my emotions and begin the healing process.

    Be honest about how you feel. Dive in deep and fully acknowledge what happened.

    4. Stop pushing.

    I remember when my father had a stroke; even then, I was busy making phone calls from my office, dealing with our employees, and managing our store. I would have intense, nervous, frantic, fearful conversations with my mother.

    I would become angry and scream at her and my father. I was constantly pushing and in action mode. I couldn’t let go. That need to control and push became even stronger after we lost our business.

    I clung on tightly to relationships, money, people, and things, all from a place of insecurity and fear. I was afraid I would lose them.

    But when you let go, you make space for what is truly right for you. You learn to not tie your self-worth, happiness, or identity to external circumstances.

    5. Practice saying yes to your desires.

    I wanted to pour myself into my work. I also thought that struggling and living this way was the norm. I was used to suppressing my desires.

    If I wanted to relax, I didn’t allow myself. I drove myself crazy with ways to make things better for my family. But the truth was, if I couldn’t find inner peace, there was no way I could help my family.

    I learned that I had to be connected to myself in order to be more present for my loved ones. It started with embracing little things. If I wanted to have tea and read a book, I did just that. If I wanted a hot bath, I took a nice, long hot bath.

    I used to think that I couldn’t do these things if my external world wasn’t great.

    But surrendering to these seemingly tiny moments brought me solace when chaos ruled my external world.

    Don’t wait until you have everything figured out to be good to yourself. Be good to yourself and you’ll be better able to figure things out.

    6. Stop feeling guilty.

    During this challenging period, we all screamed our throats off and made each other feel guilty. It was a vicious circle.

    The only way I could make lasting changes and move on with my life was to stop feeling guilty.

    I focused on the present moment. In doing so, I was able to forgive my family and energize myself. It rubbed off on them because slowly but surely, I noticed my family started to remove themselves from this guilty frame of mind, as well.

    Even if you could have handled things better, let go of the guilt. You’re doing the best you can, and you’ll do better if you feel better.

    7. Stay solution-oriented.

    When things spiraled out of control, my family and I saw everything as a problem. We developed the attitude that whatever came our way would be difficult.

    We became afraid of waking up in the mornings, couldn’t sleep well at night, and couldn’t enjoy time with each other. In other words, we expected the worst. But this is no way to live.

    We had to shift to a solution-oriented frame of mind. So when things didn’t work out, I stopped dwelling in self-pity. I tried to look for solutions. If I couldn’t find one right away, I just let myself be.

    Trust that answers will come at the right time. It’s easier to cope with hard times when you trust that the Universe has your back.

    8. Turn to others for help.

    During this time, I confided in my best friend about how I was feeling. Last year, I decided to enroll in a transformation program and had a therapeutic life coaching session.

    These steps helped me support myself.

    Don’t bottle up your emotions. Talk to your loved ones, friends, and even consider working with a life coach or therapist. You don’t have to go through it alone.

    9. Foster a positive mindset.

    I had lots of thoughts about revenge, but these only caused me to feel bitter.

    I realized over time these thoughts weren’t going to do me any good. I had to shift out of them. They didn’t go away right away, but I accepted them without judging myself.

    Then, to shift into a more uplifting state of mind, I immersed myself in things I loved like writing, meditating, journaling, eating, and spending time with friends.

    Negative thoughts will come, but they will also go if you let them. Instead of judging yourself for having these thoughts, focus on what you can do to create a more positive state of mind.

    —

    If you’re going through a challenging time in your life, keep your heart open. This won’t last forever, and you will get through it!

    Depressed man image via Shutterstock

  • The Beauty of Being Different

    The Beauty of Being Different

    Fish Swimming Against the Stream

    “We must never be afraid to be a sign of contradiction for the world.” ~Mother Teresa

    I’ve felt like I was different ever since I was in elementary school, when my personality started to settle and I came to realize I didn’t look, think, feel, learn, or act like my peers.

    Back in the eighties and early nineties it seemed that there weren’t many labels to catalog people by, but still I knew I was different, and teachers and classmates made sure I knew it. “Freak” or “weirdo” were two of their favorite names.

    In current times there would be many labels to identify me with: ADD, ADHD, dyslexic, depressive, and antisocial, among other medical terms. Socially, there are many other labels to box me in: problematic, troublemaker, weird, crazy, and dramatic, among others.

    Labels seemed to be used to put me into boxes so shrinks, teachers, and the world could try to understand me.

    The world tends to see what is different as something ugly and wrong, as if anything “abnormal” is something needing to be fixed.

    If I were to see myself through the eyes of the world, I’d be frightened to look at myself in the mirror.

    As the years went by the bullying didn’t stop. Everyone knew me by a thousand different names, except the one my mother had given me. I didn’t mind; I actually preferred for them not to use my name. I didn’t want them to taint it with their harsh voices.

    In high school, I wanted to have friends and be a part of something; I wanted to feel like I wasn’t a freak. I tried really hard to fit in, but trying to be something I wasn’t became emotionally draining.

    My father could see this and told me, “Ducks fly in flocks and eagles fly alone.”

    I didn’t want to be an eagle. I wanted to be a duck, because they had company.

    I started smoking to fit in with the “cool” group, dating boys I wasn’t even interested in (it was what girls my age did), and I learned to laugh and keep my mouth shut when I saw any injustice being done.

    I once screamed and burst into tears when I saw one of my “friends” kill a bee out of fun. I couldn’t understand how someone could take away the life of such an innocent being intentionally.

    After being bullied for my reaction, they started calling me “crazy” and so… what did I do? I started killing bees.

    I loathed myself. I had turned into this person I didn’t like for the sole purpose of “fitting in.” But at the same time I hated what I was, I hated being oversensitive, stupid, a daydreamer, rebellious, and sad.

    I wasn’t happy with my physical appearance either. The body I had at twelve years old remained the body I would have for the rest of my life—extremely skinny and no curves.

    People, assuming I had an eating disorder, would thoughtlessly say, “Eat something. Skinny girls are not pretty.” It was just my anatomy, different to that of the voluptuous Mexican bodies women have in this part of the world.

    Then, a boy came my way. We became good friends, and because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings and lead me on, he asked if I could pretend to be his girlfriend.

    Marcus was gay. He couldn’t stand the idea of being different and showing it to the world. He needed a fake girlfriend to take home to his parents, to brag about to his friends, and to walk around town with, showing he was “normal.”

    We were teenagers, and our self-esteem was determined by the acceptance of society.

    He knew how I felt for being different and not being able to fit in. I had a different mindset and he had a different sexual orientation. It was in our differences where we found a unity that forged a beautiful friendship.

    A few years later Marcus found the courage to “come out.” His parents supported him. He lost many friends but made new ones and could be entirely himself around them.

    There was no more pretending. He found acceptance within his heart, even if the world around him shamed him. He became comfortable within his own skin, and that to him was happiness.

    I came to understand that the criticism came, not because we were wrong (we weren’t horrible human beings), but because we were different to them (society). In their mind, their way of thinking and acting was right, so anything that navigated away from that was wrong.

    It was their limited mindset that created in them an inability to accept other people’s differences. But that wasn’t our problem; we weren’t what they saw.

    Our problem came from the fact that we had given them the power to control our self-esteem instead of finding that acceptance and love within ourselves.

    As more years passed, experience taught me a deeper understanding about my place in this world.

    I came to forgive and love myself because I was never ugly, stupid, antisocial, or psychotic, as the world saw me. I felt like that because I was looking at myself through their eyes instead of my own.

    Even through university I had to deal with the stigma of being considered stupid by my peers, for having bad grammar and spelling mistakes. To them my intellectual capacity was determined by my writing skills instead of the content of my writing.

    Fortunately, professors admired the intellectual content of my papers and the different perspective I had for connecting the dots and analyzing issues. I graduated top of my class, because dyslexia is not a disability; it’s a different perspective to what ordinary learning offers.

    ADD or ADHD have never existed in my mind. I simply block out lame and boring lectures I’m not interested in, and when I find myself in an environment I dislike, my mind travels away to the beautiful world of my imagination.

    I am selective with my friends, not antisocial. I don’t wish to surround myself with people that undervalue me or with whom I don’t feel comfortable.

    I am not a troublemaker, but I refuse to stand by while I see any injustice being done. I am not rebellious; I just refuse to follow rules that go against my values. I’m not dramatic, I am passionate.

    Yes, I cry a lot. I was born crying and I’ve never stopped. However, it is not because I have chronic depression (I have battled depression and it is a term I wouldn’t use lightly).

    It is because I am oversensitive, and even as a child I could see what people rarely saw or simply didn’t care about: corruption, poverty, injustice, and cruelty, among other issues. This affected me profoundly, and still does. I am empathetic toward others’ suffering.

    I wasn’t a duck, and even if being an eagle can be lonely, the view from the top gives life a wider perspective and a deeper understanding. Although my journey hasn’t been entirely lonely, it is definitely a less traveled one.

    I’ve met wonderful people with whom I can be myself, and even if I don´t have thousands of friends, I have a few who are worth the world.

    Different is what I’ll always be, because I don’t match with the preferred educational, economic, religious, and social systems that want to shape me into a predesigned mold that I can’t fit into.

    Everyone wants you to be what is best for them, not what is best for you. Wanting to please everyone and be what is socially acceptable stole my personality away.

    However, by accepting myself, I came to realize that I am absolutely beautiful. Not because I am better or worse than anyone else, but because I am exactly what I am supposed to be.

    Everyone is different in some way or another, but only a few dare to show it to the world. The majority try to fit into a mold that is too tight to feel free in.

    Marcus is feeling incredibly comfortable in his amazing homosexual being. He has a wonderful partner and they have recently adopted a beautiful baby girl.

    Once I asked him, “What would you like her to be when she grows up?

    He replied: beautifully different.

    Fish swimming against the stream image via Shutterstock

  • How to Smile More Every Day (Even if Life Isn’t Perfect)

    How to Smile More Every Day (Even if Life Isn’t Perfect)

    Smiling Girl

     “A smile is happiness you’ll find right under your nose.” ~Tom Wilson

    I smile a lot.

    In fact, yesterday I smiled eighty-seven times (I counted).

    These aren’t fake smiles. They’re big, toothy, open-mouthed grins. And they’ve become a regular feature of my everyday life because I’ve been overcome with an immense happiness.

    Everything I see, touch, breathe, and taste brings me delight.

    It’s totally spontaneous and outrageously fun, and I want to share with you how it’s done.

    What I Smile At

    It could be the subtle texture of construction grating.

    It could be the way a flower pops out of the background at an unforeseen moment.

    It could be the way the sunlight glints off the window in the early morning.

    But the thing that’s powering all these smiles is very simple.

    Gratitude.

    Most people smile when they get something.

    We all like to smile when we receive a compliment, a surprise visit from a friend, or a big paycheck.

    In other words, we’re happy when we receive a direct benefit.

    But the way I see it, I’m the direct benefiter of everything happening around me.

    The caw of a crow, the taste of a mandarin orange, the sound of a truck passing.

    All of these things have made me smile today. I receive all of these things and am glad because of them.

    So how can you smile more?

    It’s simple really.

    Be grateful for everything in your life.

    It’s amazing what positive effects we experience once we begin to say, “Thank you!” for everything.

    Thanks for the gift of life. Thanks for a delicious meal. Thanks for the smile of a stranger.

    But the weird (and powerful) change I invite you to make is this:

    Give thanks for even the seemingly negative things that come into your life.

    Illness, pain, and loss are some of the most powerful teachers we have available. They reflect back to us the ways in which we need to grow. They show us the power that’s within us.

    And they show us that life is incredibly precious.

    For a few years I was in a really dark place. No home, no friends, no money. I slept outdoors in unfamiliar towns. I ate food stolen from dumpsters. I went days without talking to a single soul.

    There were frigid nights when I would sleep in a construction site. I would curl up in the cab of an unlocked bulldozer because my body heat could warm the tiny compartment just enough to sleep a few hours before the crew came in at 6AM.

    I was low.

    But I appreciate this experience because it gave me fortitude to live anywhere. I no longer worry that I’ll be able to survive without food or shelter, because in tough situations, you get creative. You get resourceful. And you stop being afraid to ask for help.

    Pay attention to the smallest details.

    Right now I’m staring into the red of my ceramic coffee cup and just smiling my ears off. It’s too perfect not to.

    But the coffee cup isn’t really just red.

    As I look closer, I see infinite shades glancing off the glaze.

    It’s reflecting the candy-cane stripes on a packet of sugar lying in the dish.

    It’s reflecting a page of notes I’ve got in front of me.

    And it’s following all the laws of light and shading, showing its brightest fire-truck vermillion face to the sun on one side, and a shadowy, murky maroon on the other.

    Truly a glorious thing.

    These details of experience are accessible to us everywhere, and they show us that no two things are alike.

    Even things that we find offensive are opportunities for thankfulness once we begin to appreciate their details.

    Plastic bottles on the street or decaying fruit, for example.

    They all contain such marvellous detail that when you stop and pay attention, you can’t help but smile in thanks.

    Write down your blessings.

    Thousands of great things happen to us every day but we only seem to remember a few, while we remember most of the dull, unfortunate, or painful things that happen to us.

    That’s not our fault; it’s just the way our brains are wired.

    But we can overcome it.

    That’s why it can be helpful to keep a notebook to jot down all the great things that happen to you daily.

    Reflect on it when you’re feeling down. You’ll notice that even on your lowest days, things happened that touched you, that blessed you.

    Don’t forget them!

    Look at what is, not what isn’t.

    Every time I look around, I think, “Wow, I’ve got a great life.”

    I don’t have a lot. And yet, I live the happiest life imaginable because I’m looking at what is, not what isn’t.

    Oftentimes we get caught up in worries about the future, giving substance to our negative thoughts.

    We think, “If only I had a bit more money to pay the bills.”

    “If only I didn’t have to worry about these aches and pains.”

    “If only I had a little more time to spend with my family.”

    Life isn’t the fantasies you have in your head—it’s what’s happening right now! All the great things around you are yours.

    The sunshine hitting your face.

    The smile of your kids and grandkids.

    The exhilaration of going for a run and feeling your blood rush about in your marvellous arms and legs.

    That’s all for you. And it makes me smile.

    What made you smile today?

    Smiling girl image via Shutterstock

  • 9 Tips To Tame Your Temper: Anger Management Made Easy

    9 Tips To Tame Your Temper: Anger Management Made Easy

    Angry Women

    “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” ~Mark Twain

    I am in serious danger, and I think you might be too.

    I am in danger of becoming a grumpy old person. I get angry easily. I operate on a short fuse, ready to snap or explode at the littlest thing.

    I could blame it on a combination of genetics and environment. My father seems to have only two moods, and one of them is angry.

    He is like a volcano and can explode at any moment. And I don’t mean he’s just cranky or that he yells.

    No. When he loses it, he really loses it. Emotionally and physically.

    He tenses every muscle in his body, clenches his fists, sticks his jaw out, and says things like, “Eeeoourgh!!!”

    He is a fireball of white-hot fury. Irrational, unreasonable, and perverse.

    As a child, I never knew whether I would be hugged or hit. I desperately wanted his approval and love, but often I incurred his wrath.

    As a teenager, I learned to fight back, yell as loudly, and be as demanding as he was. As an adult, I learned two key components that comprise anger.

    There’s the emotion that can envelope you in a moment, instantly causing you to become irrational and almost uncontrollable. And there are the situations or environments that have the potential to lead to anger, if we let them.

    I could let anger rule my life, but I refuse to do that, damn it! So I employ some simple anger management techniques instead.

    I am still in serious danger, but with these tools, I think I’ve found a way out.

    1. Follow a process.

    Create a process for managing situations that often trigger anger. When someone does something that upsets you, take a deep breath and trust in the process.

    One process I use to express my feelings calmly is to describe the behavior and explain my emotional response.

    So, I’d say something like, “When you yell at me, I feel hurt and upset,” or, “When you behave this way, I feel really angry.” It helps identify the problem and my emotions. It also helps me feel in control and prevents me from resorting to useless, blaming behavior.

    2. Tap it out.

    Try a little tapping, or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT is a healing tool that helps reduce deep emotional responses so we can manage our lives more calmly.

    The whole EFT process includes a tapping routine and a mantra, but I find a simplified version just as effective.

    When you feel an intense emotion, just use your first two fingers and tap your collarbone until you feel calmer. If you start tapping quickly and then gradually slow your rhythm, you’ll find yourself calming down.

    Sometimes, when I feel like tensing up and yelling, “Eeeoourgh!” myself, I go to the bathroom and tap until I feel calmer. Then I can handle the situation rationally.

    3. Think about your belly button.

    Centering is a super-simple technique that even a child can use. All you do is focus your mind on your belly button, or rather, just a smidge below your belly button.

    As you focus, tense those muscles and draw your belly button in toward your spine. If you’ve done any Pilates or yoga, you’ll be familiar with these deep abdominal muscles.

    Doing this exercise is truly calming and empowering. It puts you in a state of calm control, so you’re less likely to react and lash out. I sometimes close my eyes for a moment and focus on my belly button. When I open my eyes and continue centering, I can operate more calmly and coherently.

    4. Lighten up.

    Anger appears when we’re frustrated, but if you stand back from the situation a little, you might see it’s quite ludicrous. Not always, but often. Before you blow your stack, stand back and see if you can find something silly about what’s happening.

    I remember being frustrated by an organization I worked for when they arranged a breakfast for us to discuss strategies to improve our work-life balance.

    They wanted us to get up hours earlier than usual and spend extra time with our colleagues so we could talk about ways we could spend less time with them. How ridiculous!

    5. Practice daily calm.

    We can experience anger and frustration almost daily, and the more we experience it, the more it becomes our way of operating.

    When you commit to practicing daily calm, you counteract the anger. You practice something much more beneficial to your health and well-being.

    This doesn’t have to be hard. Just spend a moment or two doing nothing, whenever you can. Sit quietly and realize that you’re doing nothing, and see how calming it is.

    6. Get curious. 

    The next time you find your anger rising, divert your energy into curiosity. Get really curious about the other person’s perspective.

    Keep asking questions until you fully understand the other person’s opinion. Once you do, you’ll be in a better position to discover a solution that suits everyone.

    Recently, my daughter was extremely trying, and I saw red. I drew in my breath, preparing to yell at her. But somehow, in the split second of inhaling, I thought, I just need to follow the process.

    Instead of yelling, I reflected her feelings to get to the bottom of why she was behaving so poorly. I got curious about the cause of her behavior, and together we created a solution to the problem.

    Instead of an angry interaction that would rip our relationship apart, we had a truly productive, useful talk that brought us together.

    7. Hug a tree.

    If you feel yourself spinning out of control with anger, you can become grounded by literally grounding yourself. Hug a tree, lay on the ground, or sit with your back to a large, solid oak.

    Connecting yourself to the ground in this way will make you feel both physically and emotionally supported, calm, and stable.

    Grounding strategies help you detach from strong emotions. They help you gain control over your feelings so that you can get back in control.

    If you need a more portable strategy than an oak tree, try putting a small stone in your pocket. When you start feeling overwhelmed by emotion, reach into your pocket and focus on the stone—notice its texture, size, and temperature. This action focuses you on reality and stabilizes your emotions.

    8. Close the argument room.

    There’s a Monty Python skit where Michael Palin pays for an argument in the argument room. We often do the equivalent of asking for an argument by starting discussions that go nowhere or pushing our opinions onto people who don’t want them.

    We should always ask ourselves if going into the argument room is worth it.

    When my father rants, I often let him go. I don’t want to engage with him because I’d be entering the argument room, and for what? I’d end up cranky and frustrated, without achieving anything.

    9. Look beneath the anger.

    Anger is often a secondary emotion that masks the true feelings beneath it. The next time you feel angry, look inside and see if your anger is masking another deeper emotion.

    If you can discover the underlying emotion, you can address the real reason behind your emotional response.

    Think about the last time someone cut you off when you were driving. The moment it happens a chill of fear runs through you, and then it’s quickly replaced by frustration and resentment.

    Or, consider the last time you were running late and someone seemed to be delaying you. Underneath your anger may be self-loathing regarding how you didn’t prepare better, guilt for making someone wait, or fear of the consequences of your late arrival.

    Anger is the secondary emotion.

    The Truth About Anger

    It’s a powerful, all-encompassing emotion.

    Well harnessed, it can drive us to achieve great things. We can use it to fight injustice, increase confidence, and create focus. Think Erin Brockovich, Alanis Morissette, and Steve Jobs.

    But it can also ruin our relationships, damage our reputations, and make us hard to love. Think Naomi Campbell, Mel Gibson, and Charlie Sheen.

    That grumpy old person we talked about? Their anger is unchecked, and it’s become a front.

    A way of interacting with people. A mask to hide behind.

    And no one can live a great life if they’re hiding.

    It’s far better to have the courage to face the world, and your problems, head on. To discover what’s really under that anger, and address the true problem.

    The next time you feel your anger flare up, you can hide behind it, or you can dig deep into self-reflection and deal with what you find.

    Which will you choose?

    Angry woman image via Shutterstock

  • You Are Broken, Let Me Fix You

    You Are Broken, Let Me Fix You

    Mosaic Face

    “To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~Sven Goran Erikkson

    Let me fix you.

    You really should try not to be so sensitive, Leah. The world is sometimes a difficult and upsetting place, but you shouldn’t let it affect you so much.

    Let me fix you.

    You know, you really ought to spend more time with people, Leah. It’s not good for you to be alone so much.

    Let me fix you.

    You know, you really shouldn’t make such quick, spur-of-the-moment decisions, Leah. It’s not good to do that in life and you’ll end up regretting them.

    Let me fix you.

    You’re so young, Leah. You should be out dancing and dating and having fun, not sitting home alone with another book.

    Let me fix you.

    You need to be more realistic, Leah. I know you have big dreams for your business and life, but it’s not secure. We all have to do work we don’t enjoy, it’s just the way things are.

    Let me fix you.

    Thank you for trying to fix me. Now let me tell you this…

    Let me tell you…

    My greatest strength is empathy. I feel others’ feelings as if they were my own. Their pain is my pain. Their joy is my joy. I cannot help but cry sometimes and I cannot hold the tears in, as you would like me to, nor wait for a more convenient moment.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My sensitivity is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    I am an introvert and a thinker. Introspection is in my blood. Long periods of time alone are a joy to me. Where others might feel lonely, I feel replenished.

    I ponder, I reflect, and I muse over the thousands of dreams and ideas that are always in my head. I’m filtering, planning, connecting the dots and making sense of the world around me

    Please don’t try to fix me. My thinking is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    I am a woman of action and I do not like to wait. Once my mind is made up there is no turning back. Where others might be stuck in indecision, I have moved ten steps ahead. My life is in motion and I am creating in the real world the dreams I have in my head.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My ability to act is my gift.

    Let me tell you…

    The future is beautiful to me. I see all that is possible and all that I want to create. In vivid colour and in high definition it appears to me. Whilst others see all that is wrong and the reasons why not, I see all that is right and all that could be.

    Please don’t try to fix me. My dreaming is my gift.

    You Are Not Broken

    For the longest time, I thought I was broken. I thought I had to change myself. I thought I had to behave differently. I thought that my way of being wasn’t the way of being. I wished I were someone else.

    At school my reports went like this:

    “Leah is a wonderful student but she’s too quiet and needs to speak up more in class.”

    In my nine-to-five office jobs it went like this:

    “Try not to be so sensitive, Leah. It’s not good to let people see you cry at work.”

    And when I handed in my notice, it went like this:

    “You can’t go through life making rash decisions like this, Leah,”

    And even now, almost three years into my journey of creating my dream life and business, it goes like this:

    “We believe in you, Leah, we really do, but don’t you think it’s time to look for a more secure job?”

    Everyone, everywhere, throughout my life has been ready with advice for me on how I should be.

    Over the years, not knowing any better, I tried to bend myself to their suggestions.

    I tried to be less sensitive. I tried to hold my tears in. I tried to be less impulsive and less impatient. I tried to spend more time around people. I tried to tame my dreams.

    But when I tried to do all these things, all I felt was pain and it didn’t make anything in my life work better the way people told me it would.

    Finally, thankfully, today, I see the truth.

    There isn’t and never was anything to fix.

    The very things that others told me were my faults turned out to be my greatest strengths and my most beautiful gifts.

    When I finally saw and embraced them as such, I was able to begin creating a life that encapsulated everything that I am instead of constantly struggling and trying to be something that I was not.

    It’s true for you too. There is nothing to fix.

    If you find yourself surrounded by people telling you should or need to be different, I hope these three short notes will help you let go of what they’re telling you and to embrace instead what is truly special about you.

    1. You are not broken, faulty, or defective.

    There is no right or wrong way to be. Each and every one of us makes sense of the world differently. The way you are may be different to those around you, but that does not make your way of being wrong.

    Instead of trying to bend yourself to their suggestions, take note of what the people around you say you should be like. There is a very good chance that they are pointing the way to your most special gifts and the things that make you uniquely you.

    2. Use your unique gifts to create a life you love.

    When you recognize, understand, and accept your personal strengths, you have the opportunity to consciously and thoughtfully craft a life that is in alignment with those strengths, instead of trying to squeeze yourself into a mould you won’t ever fit into.

    I didn’t see it at the time, but the pain I experienced in my office jobs were clear signs that I wasn’t where I was meant to be. The roles I was in didn’t value my biggest strengths and work often felt like a battle against my very nature.

    By seeing, understanding, and accepting my own personal strengths and gifts, I have been able to create a business and life that allows me to freely be all that I am. You can do the same.

    3. Forgive those who try to fix you.

    Remember that those who are telling you to be more like this or less like that—it’s not their fault. They, too, are filtering everything through their own set of unique gifts. Go easy on them; they’re just doing their best, like the rest of us.

    Listen to what they have to say, take anything that feels useful but go ahead and drop the rest without a second thought.

    Let me tell you this, my friend…

    There is nothing to fix and nothing to change.

    It is in those qualities that others might find difficult to accept that you will find your power.

    It is in the acceptance of those qualities that you will have the opportunity to not only create a life that feels right for you, but to have the greatest positive impact on the people and world around you in this short and precious life.

    You are a gift to the world. Just as you are.

    Mosaic face image via Shutterstock

  • If You Want to Be Happy, Do This First

    If You Want to Be Happy, Do This First

    Happy woman smiling

    “When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself.” ~Paulo Coelho

    Someone once asked me if I was happy.

    The question confused me because it didn’t really seem like something I had a choice in.

    I had two parents and wonderful siblings who loved me deeply. I was smart, a good friend, and had opportunities many people throughout the world didn’t have. I never worried about being hungry or safe. What else was there?

    Unfortunately, growing up semi-privileged doesn’t prevent us from developing fears and insecurities.

    Though there was laughter and creativity in my early life, I was too busy deflecting judgments and attacks to feel okay in my own skin.

    People would tell me to smile, so I learned that something was wrong with me if I wasn’t smiling.

    Someone told me I had a big nose and hairy arms, so I discovered my body was not up to my peers’ high standards.

    I often felt misunderstood or unseen for who I really was.

    As I got older, I dated men who made me feel good about myself. They loved me, with my big nose and hairy arms. They also had just enough problems to keep me busy avoiding myself.

    Somewhere in midst of trying to show them they could be anything, I lost myself entirely.

    I didn’t actually feel comfortable in my own skin. I judged my words, my actions, and my thoughts constantly. I did the same with others. I was always trying to figure “it” out. I don’t think I even knew what “it” was back then. I do now.

    “It” was happiness. I wanted to figure out how I could stop running in place. The present moment was never enough for me.

    I was always going to be happy when I had a new roommate, my boyfriend changed, I signed up at a yoga studio, my Mom saw things my way, or I was making more money. The now, for me, was completely inadequate, and I was always reaching for some future event to make it better.

    Throughout my twenties, my life began to transform, but it was just two years ago when I hit the climax. Three things happened all at once:

    One, I fell in love with a man who showed me unconditional love; two, I became conscious of the fact that I was in relationships with people who were no longer serving me, and I left; and three, I discovered breathwork, the most powerful tool in my life.

    The first thing, unconditional love, gave me the safety to see the truth about myself.

    Because I was always in relationships with men who needed me to be there for them, I had developed a habit of hiding from my own needs. This relationship allowed me to feel safe so I could finally focus on myself with the support of someone who loved me deeply.

    The second thing, leaving unhealthy relationships, showed me I had the strength to choose what is best for me.

    There were clear signs that I was engaged with people who were manipulative and felt they knew what was better for me than I did. Walking away from relationships that I had put so much energy, trust, and love into was challenging, but ultimately liberating.

    And the third thing, finding breathwork, transformed my life in the deepest way possible. Breathwork was my tool to accept myself.

    At the time I couldn’t fathom how breathing could make any sort of significant change in my life, but this particular type of breathing was powerful. It helped me get out of my head and into my heart. It helped me see the truth about myself and life.

    Through a two-step deep breathing process in a safe and guided environment, I was able to release limiting beliefs and past traumas. Breathing deep into my belly and then into my chest, I was able to bring my awareness into my body.

    It’s a healing practice that has a life of its own and didn’t require me to do anything but breathe.

    Each time I practiced I felt myself let go a little more until I was grounded into a healthier relationship with myself and the people around me. On many occasions breathwork has helped me feel the emotions I was hiding from, see the truth about my life, and know that everything is perfect as it is.

    Because I was always in my head, I was a very analytical person, always seeing what was wrong and how I needed to fix it. When I learned to accept myself, I was finally able to relax and enjoy simply being.

    And through accepting myself I learned to love myself. Not all at once, but it happened gradually. It’s probably still happening. But the eyes I see myself through now are full of funky daisies and hand drawn roses. Way better than red pen edits and negative graffiti, let me tell you.

    I am happy.

    If you’re unsure if you’re happy I have to tell you, you’re not. Happiness, to me, is not a state. Sometimes I’m down. Sometimes I’m up. Happiness is my relationship to life.

    I am happy in my life. I am happy in my skin. I am happy with the body I have. I adore the people in my life. I am blessed. I am grateful.

    The hunt for happiness is exhausting. I was always trying—trying to be knowledgeable about one more thing, trying to do this better, trying to make my business more successful. Everything revolved around reaching.

    Now, I sit back. I smile. I can let life unfold without needing to control it. I can enjoy each moment for what it is.

    There is naivety around happiness and healing. There’s this idea that we shouldn’t get sad, that we should be able to cope with every situation perfectly, and that we are only going to go up from here. That hasn’t been my experience.

    I have days when I’m depressed. But I know my feelings are fleeting, so I can embrace them and let them be what they are.

    I have grown and learned tremendously about myself.

    I have been willing to answer the tough questions honestly.

    I have been willing to show up and see the truth of myself. That means times get hard. Sometimes I get a little lost. That’s why I have my practice. That’s why I have support.

    This is what life is. It’s up and it’s down. It’s high and it’s low. It’s happy and it’s sad. And I love it all.

    I can’t reject the bad because it’s part of life. I embrace it and accept it. I break through the stories and limiting beliefs and show myself love and compassion. And that is how I am happy.

    So, if you want to be happy do this first:
 be willing to see the truth of who you are right now.
 Release judgment and accept everything about who you are right now.
 Show compassion for the parts of yourself that are difficult to bear. Begin to show yourself love.

    Rinse and repeat.

    This life is far too precious to wait another moment to be happy.

    Happy woman smiling image via Shutterstock

  • The Art of Pain: Why the Dark Times Make Life Beautiful

    The Art of Pain: Why the Dark Times Make Life Beautiful

    Couple on the Beach Painting

    “In each of us lie good and bad, light and dark, art and pain, choice and regret, cruelty and sacrifice… No one can live in the light all the time.” ~Libba Bray

    Happiness, and the quest for it, is not all it’s cracked up to be. What I mean is that I think we’re making a mistake in reaching only for happiness, lightness, good days, and good moods.

    I think that we’re restricting ourselves.

    We’re fishing in an ocean of emotions, looking to only reel in one or two kinds, throwing back the ones we don’t want without even noticing how shockingly beautiful they can be in their strange, confusing way, much like the fascinatingly mysterious fish of the deep sea.

    There was a long time in my life when I wanted happiness, so I avoided pain. I wanted to call myself brave, so I didn’t admit I was afraid.

    In my search for joy, I pushed away the other emotions I didn’t like, thinking I’d be left with only happiness.

    But something was still wrong. I wasn’t full. By denying myself the plethora of emotions and feelings we, as human beings, are supposed to experience, I was only connecting with myself on a surface level.

    I spent many of my days trying to achieve a persistent state of peace and happiness, and I wasn’t being honest with myself.

    How could I just be happy when my heart was broken in two? When my own dad wouldn’t talk to me anymore? When I was uncertain and afraid of the future and the path I decided to take.

    Yet all I wanted was happiness, and I kept pushing away anything else I felt that wasn’t “good.”

    It took me a while to realize that I didn’t feel like myself anymore. And that was because I wasn’t. I was pretending to be a flat placard of peace and joy, which isn’t very real, is it?

    I realized I was robbing my soul of all the emotions and feelings and desires it should have.

    Every feeling and all the changes we go through become precious when we realize they are all necessary, and they create contrasting beauty in our lives.

    Would you rather be happy, or would you rather be full inside?

    Happiness is fleeting. It flits in and out of our days like a bird, singing a beautiful song that we want to revel in all our life, for one moment while the sky is blue, not to be found on the days with dark clouds, heavy winds, and gray skies.

    But fullness—that is deep in our soul. When we have that, it never leaves. Fullness encompasses everything. It’s what allows us to be fully human in all the raw, real ways.

    We need the contrasts that fullness, not just happiness, provides us. How else can we know true joy if we have never known sorrow? How can we feel and trust the deepest kind of love if we have never felt heartbreak?

    In art, this is called chiaroscuro. It’s the play of light and dark within a picture, the idea that you need dark shading on one side in order to notice where the light is supposed to hit on the other.

    I believe that art reflects life.

    I think that by suppressing emotions we don’t like, such as fear and uncertainty and pain, we are taking away the shading of our own image. We’re denying ourselves the beautiful picture that needs the contrasts and shadows in order to be complete.

    Sometimes, two seemingly conflicting emotions can fit together and coexist. Have you ever felt that? Maybe you have pain inside you that you suppressed, and suddenly another person finds a way to gently bring it to the surface.

    That person and their kind eyes bring warmth to your heart, even while the pain is being laid bare.

    Happiness can fill your chest and sadness can well in your eyes until they are entwined in a beautifully poignant harmony. This is chiaroscuro in its most desired form—the shadow contrasting with the brilliant light, creating a depth and fullness that couldn’t be reached any other way.

    Don’t ever think that being so paralyzed by fear you don’t know how to take a step, or feeling angry and betrayed, or sobbing while your heart is in shreds, or feeling lonely or confused or uncertain or whatever you feel, is wrong or not good.

    It’s your shading, your shadows, making up the complete, beautifully exquisite image of your soul and your life.

    Couple on the beach painting via Shutterstock

  • 4 Tips to Help You Choose When You Have a Lot of Passions

    4 Tips to Help You Choose When You Have a Lot of Passions

    Choices

    “Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown

    When I first quit my office job in 2012, I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life. My idea bank was at zero.

    But for a full year after leaving my job, I committed myself to exploring and doing the things I’d always been too scared to do.

    I took acting classes, traveled, volunteered on farms, started a blog, learned about a more sustainable lifestyle, and was initiated into Reiki.

    After a while I realized my problem had spun a complete 360. My idea bank was full to the brim and now, far from being frustrated at my lack of ideas for the future, I was confused and overwhelmed at the number of choices I had.

    I had countless ideas for what I could do with my life, and I didn’t know where to put my focus.

    Did I want to pursue Reiki and help others in the way it had helped me?

    Did I want to become a coach?

    Did I want to save the planet by devoting myself to environmental causes?

    Did I want to move to a farm, live in a community, and grow veggies?

    Did I want to start walking holidays in the Lake District?

    Did I want to become a private French tutor?

    Did I want to pursue acting?

    Did I want to open a coffee shop? A Vietnamese coffee shop, to be precise…

    Looking back, I see that much of my confusion could have been eliminated early on if I’d have known some of the things I know today. It’s such an incredibly frustrating place to be, being passionate about so many things and not knowing which to choose. It often results in choosing nothing.

    Today, I’d love to share with you some ideas and exercises that helped me sift through the confusion of all the things I was passionate about and to find a way forward.

    1. Begin with the end in mind.

    In his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey advises that we “begin with the end in mind.”

    The idea of beginning with the end in mind means knowing your destination in advance so that you can more easily make the choices and take the steps necessary to get you there. When you begin with the end in mind, your daily actions are aligned with your bigger vision.

    Beginning with the end in mind, at its deepest level, literally means looking at the end of your life.

    What do you want to be remembered for? What do you want people to say about you when you’re gone? What would you like to have changed in the world? I absolutely recommend reading Covey’s book and working through this in detail.

    But right now, for today, let’s take beginning with the end in mind at a level that will help you gain some clarity on which of your passions to pursue.

    Really think hard and in detail about the life and lifestyle you want to create for yourself.

    Where do you want to live? Do you want to be location independent? Do you want to sit at a desk or be outside most of the time? Do you want to spend most of your time with people, or alone? What time do you want to get up? Go to bed?

    For example, I was clear that I wanted 100% location independence, and so creating a local Reiki practice would have made no sense.

    I wanted complete control over my schedule, so opening a Vietnamese coffee shop and having set opening and closing times would have been far from ideal.

    If you don’t begin with the end in mind, you can end up creating a life that you don’t really want.

    2. Know your values.

    When I first left my job, I really had no idea what it meant to “know your values.” But over the last couple of years I’ve seen how essential knowing your core values is in creating a life you love.

    When it comes to choosing one passion among many, just like beginning with the end in mind, knowing your values will really help you gain some clarity.

    As an example, one of my most important values is freedom. I want to have freedom of location, freedom of time, and financial freedom.

    Knowing my most important values allows me to constantly make decisions in alignment with the life I want to create and that are ultimately going to make me happier.

    If I value freedom above all else, there’s no way I’m going to tie myself down to a coffee shop.

    If you’ve never thought about your real values, now is a great time to start. Here are a couple of questions to get you started. If you can find a friend, coach, or mentor to ask you these questions, that can also be really helpful.

    Think of a single moment in time you remember being especially rewarding or poignant. 

    What was happening? Who were you with? What was going on? What were the values that were being honored in that moment?

    Maybe you recently took a trip and remember feeling blissfully happy while looking out at a beautiful sunset. In this case, perhaps you value nature, peace, or serenity.

    Repeat this exercise with several other moments that you can remember and draw out as many value words as you can. If you’re struggling to find the words, I recommend checking out this article.

    Think of a single moment in time you felt angry, upset, or frustrated.

    What was happening? Who were you with? What was going on?

    This exercise will often lead you to suppressed or unmet values.

    For example, if I think back to my old job, I remember being really annoyed at having to figure out my holiday dates around thirty other people in the office. Why couldn’t I just go when it was best for me, when I wanted to go on holiday? My value of freedom was being totally crushed here, and it really made me angry.

    Get the idea? Go ahead and give it a try.

    3. Understand that you can still be passionate about something, even if you’re not getting paid for it.

    One of my biggest stumbling blocks and frustrations over the last couple of years has been the misguided belief that I must turn all my passions into a business.

    I had an irrational fear that by picking one, the others would disappear from my life forever.

    But that’s simply not true. Your passions can still be your passions even if you don’t get paid for them.

    I still practice Reiki on myself and others, and that’s enough for me. I don’t need or want to turn it into my business.

    I can go grab or make a cup of Vietnamese coffee whenever I like. There’s really no need for me to open a coffee shop, especially when it’s not in alignment with the ultimate life I want to create.

    I grow veggies on my home balcony, and that fulfills my passion for being connected to the earth and wholesome, healthy food.

    The thought of letting go of turning some of your passions into your future work can feel really painful. It’s so important to understand that you can still have them in your life even if you pick another of your passions to pursue professionally.

    4. Trust that things will fall in to place.

    Finally, at the end of the day, you’ve just got to have a little faith and trust in the whole process. Sometimes things can seem as clear as mud. And that’s okay. Your only job is to keep taking small steps each day. The path will unfold and become clearer as you go. Enjoy the journey.

    Choices image via Shutterstock

  • Remember This Before Judging Someone Who Annoys You

    Remember This Before Judging Someone Who Annoys You

    Judgment

    “We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behavior.” ~Stephen Covey

    It happened again! A different place, a different person. But again, I was outraged! How could I let it go this time?

    I was driving home from work, excited about the weekend. As I looked in the rear-view mirror, a bulky four-wheel drive gradually came closer. Next minute, it was right behind me. Another tailgater!

    I sped up to shake it off. It stayed with me. I tapped the brake to tell the driver to back off. He came closer!

    I was beginning to fume. As I was considering my next move, the car turned off. It was gone. I was left angry, fuming, and worked up.

    This happened quite often. But would I ever learn to let it go?

    Have you learned to let it go?

    Many of us are doing our best to learn to be a better person—be kinder, more accepting, and more mindful, for instance. But when it comes to being less judgmental, it seems that we have a knee-jerk reaction that takes place on its own accord.

    It’s true that a certain part of it is due to conditioning and triggers. But if we begin to understand exactly why we judge, we can make space for acceptance and peace with others.

    When we are annoyed or upset with someone, it can be explained by the fundamental attribution error. Attribution is when we try to understand the causes of behavior. The problem is that we make errors when we try to make sense of people’s behavior.

    Simply put, when we see someone doing something wrong, we think it relates to their personality instead of the situation that the person is in.

    “What a jerk!”

    “How rude!”

    “That is so inconsiderate!”

    So how can we let it go? If we acknowledge our attribution errors that are judging personality alone, we can contemplate the situation. In my driving incident, perhaps this driver never tailgates. Maybe he had just been sacked at work, or had an emergency at home.

    Wouldn’t you be more understanding then? I should have been, but I never put this idea into practice in my life.

    But one day, I was driving to work when up ahead I saw a car slowing down for no apparent reason.

    “Okay, what’s going on here?”

    I was ready to place my attributions: “What a turkey…. How selfish… You are just a… a….”   … I stopped. It was an L plater. A learner. Oops.

    I swallowed my outrage. I shut my mouth. I stayed calm and understanding.

    And then it hit me. Aren’t we all L platers—in life?

    I knew that the person in front of me was an L plater learning to drive. The only difference with everybody else in the world is that we don’t know what they are learning.

    What was the tailgater learning about when he was on my tail? What were the teenagers learning about when they egged my car on Halloween? What was I learning about when I reacted?

    We all have struggles. We all have a past. We all have a reason for who we are today. It just can’t be seen like an L plate can.

    When people hurt you or do wrong, they are simply making mistakes and learning in their own way to get through life—the best way they have learned to do so with the life they have been given.

    As I drove away from the L plate driver, I decided to respond to people differently. Whenever I felt like judging, I would imagine they were wearing a shirt with a big L printed on it.

    Learner. Learning life. Making mistakes. Taking wrong turns. Getting lost. Moving forward. Getting stuck in jams. Even writing the darn thing off at times!

    It seemed that I had figured it out. I finally began to understand things a little bit better.

    I encourage you to give it a try in your own life and see how it helps overcome the need to judge others. You too will begin to realize that L platers are everywhere.

    As I drive home from work a few weeks later, I reflected on the fundamental attribution error.

    But then…

    It happened again!

    A different place, a different person.

    And this time…

    I let it go.

    Woman with scales image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    10 Things Happy People Do to Stay Happy

    “Here’s a little song I wrote. You might want to sing it note for note. Don’t worry, be happy.” ~Bobby McFerrin 

    I was one of those people that when asked what they want in life, would say, “I just want to be happy…”

    In my past, I suffered from debilitating depression. There was a period when getting the dry-cleaning and buying toilet paper was difficult enough.

    So, I made it my mission to study what happy people do to stay happy, then I started doing what they were doing. And my happiness increased until I became one of those people I used to be envious of.

    Here’s a list I use now on a daily basis as a reminder to increase my happiness:

    1. Give yourself permission.

    Permission to be who you are; permission to laugh big, to cry when you need to, to fail brilliantly, to make stuff; permission to fall apart, breakdown, and get back up again; permission to be different and unique; permission to go too far and reach your dreams.

    2. Don’t take yourself so seriously.

    Hold yourself with a “light hand.” Laugh at your foibles with amusement.

    When things get tough or stress arises, lift your shoulders with an “oh well…” Know that it’s never as big or life devastating as your mind thinks.

    Happy people trust that whatever glitch happens will work itself out.

    They give a “Ha! Ha!” and a “So what? Who cares? Big Deal! Why not?” when met with resistances.

    3. Don’t self-ruminate.

    I remember a friend of mine from Mississippi saying, “Lynn, when are you gonna’ stop starin’ at your own belly button…?” (Insert: Southern drawl.)

    I learned happy people don’t fixate on themselves and their problems. They don’t over-analyze the issue du jour.

    When they start to get stuck on a problem or in their head, they put their attention on something else.

    I remind myself to not have to have it all figured out: Get outside. Go back to your work. Plan something fun.

    4. Don’t compare.

    Comparison has been compared to a little death. When we compare ourselves to others, we harm ourselves.

    Happy people know that they’re no better or less than another person. Someone will always be at a “more evolved place” and someone will always be “less-evolved.”

    Note to self: Be concerned with only how to do your best and that’s all.

    5. Make adjustments.

    When something isn’t going your way, when your mood dips, or when you feel “off,” stay curious and self-aware. Fine-tune the energy in your body by making adjustments.

    If you eat something that makes you feel poor, why eat it? Pay attention if that glass of wine the night before makes you feel crappy in the morning or that slice of pizza made you bloated or that ice cream caused you to crash, losing your focus and energy.

    When you’re feeling stuck or heavy, take a walk, do something different than your normal routine, meet up with a friend.

    If feeling anxious or stressed, tune-up with extra sleep, meditation/yoga or a hot bath…

    6. Be of service and know how to take care of yourself.

    Happy people want to give back. They have plenty to share. They volunteer, take time out to help a friend, offer to connect people to others for their betterment, and aren’t in need of getting anything back.

    Commit to service but also stay aware of how to take care of yourself. When your energy gets depleted, remember to not give away to the point that you lose focus on your own emotional/mental/physical/spiritual health.

    Have loving boundaries to care for yourself so that you have more to give.

    7. Choose uplifting friendships.

    When we have friendships and conversations that are uplifting, supportive, and loving, with people interested in our betterment, we are on a faster track to our own enlightenment.

    If you hang out with someone and don’t feel great afterward, see less of that person and seek out other friendships.

    Know which friends increase your happiness and nurture those relationships.

    8. Be less interested in being happy and more interested in your peace of mind.

    I used to think happiness was about being totally ecstatic. In order to balance out my feelings of hopelessness and depression, it seemed natural that my goal would be to be maximally blissed.

    But with all the highs there’s a low—we eventually come down from it.

    Remember not to get attached to the highs and focus more on experiencing peaceful aliveness.

    When your life is at peace, there’s a relaxed balance; and the chances of sustained happiness and contentment increases.

    9. Use your senses.

    As they say, the ordinary is extraordinary.

    Happy people receive pleasure from enjoying the simple joys in life, and usually they’re connected to our senses. This subtle awareness creates significant moments of happiness.

    I discovered the pleasures I receive in the:

    • Warmth of a teacup in my hands on a cold winter day
    • Taste of a square of dark chocolate melting on my tongue
    • Dance music in my cycle class that wakes me up
    • Smile of a stranger on the street
    • Aroma of my favorite essential oil and when people say, “You smell so good!”

    Continue to mark pleasant sense experiences in your mind and carry them throughout your day to increase your spirits.

    10. Don’t make your intimate relationships the end-all-be-all.

    I used to think the person I was in a relationship with was there to give me my happiness rather than increase it.

    Happy people understand that those they are in relationship with are an “addition to,” not a completion of them. They live full lives so that at the end of the day they have so much more to share.

    A loving reminder: Don’t rely on your partner to shift your moods, heal you, or fill your empty spaces. And remember it’s not your responsibility to do that for your partner either.

    Support is an important part of relationship. We’re there on the bad days with compassion and a loving embrace. We’re there on the good days to cheer them on.

    But mostly, we rely on ourselves to give that to ourselves. We trust that our partners can wrestle with their own demons. We offer space for them to discover their own happiness, while we focus on creating our own.

    What might you put your focus on to continue to increase your own happiness?

  • 5 Crippling Lies About Forgiveness (and the Truths That Set You Free)

    5 Crippling Lies About Forgiveness (and the Truths That Set You Free)

    “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim.” ~C.R. Strahan

    It’s not fair, is it?

    Getting hurt. All over again.

    It wasn’t so bad forgiving them the first time. You rose to the occasion. You became the bigger person. You tried to move on.

    You thought you had to. After all, they did ask nicely.

    You just knew you’d be BFFs again and go right back to, “Let’s go for Jamba Juice!”

    But it didn’t go down like that, did it?

    No BFFs. No Jamba Juice. Not even a check-in text.

    You put it all on the line and forgave them. Now they’ve let you down again, and you can’t help but think it was the biggest mistake you ever made. And on top of it all, you can’t stop wondering why it all happened to you.

    I used to wonder that too.

    When I was fourteen, my mom sent me away. She thought it would be nice if there were a nun in the family. And I was going to be it.

    I had never been further than my Mamaw’s house. I had just shaved my legs for the first time and gotten my room back after the toddlers moved into the new add-on.

    Now, I’d be sharing a room with three other postulants over 1,100 miles away—sleeping on used hospital beds. In silence. For six years.

    My life, as I knew it, had ended.

    I wasn’t allowed to spend holidays at home. I never got another birthday present. And for six years, all I wore was a homemade blue habit with a plastic collar I had to scrub with a toothbrush.

    But then I got out. And my life ended all over again.

    Where do you fit when you don’t fit anywhere? I didn’t know anyone. No one knew me. My little brothers and sisters were all teenagers by then. My dad had married the woman he’d had an affair with. And to top it all off, my mom wouldn’t let me come home.

    I just wanted to move on. I thought forgiving everyone would make it okay. Forgive my family for giving me away. Forgive the nuns for going all American Horror Story on me. Forgive the Catholic church for expecting me to make up something to say in confession every week. Forgive my parakeet for dying while I was gone.

    The more I told myself to stop being angry, the angrier I got. The more I tried to let it go, the more it haunted me at every turn.

    After six years, I should have been an expert at forgiveness. But in reality, I was as clueless as a homeless kid trapped in a grown-up twilight zone.

    In the end, forgiveness actually became my ultimate game-changer. But only after I saw through the lies people led me to believe.

    Can You Trust Everything You Believe About Forgiveness?

    There’s a whole lot of noise out there about forgiveness. And you know what noise does? It chats up your Inner Victim and distracts you. The louder the noise gets, the quicker you need to call in your Inner Skeptic. Because some of the noise is nothing but big, fat lies.

    Lying to yourself while you forgive someone is worse than not forgiving them at all.

    If you want to open your heart to freedom, you must open your eyes about forgiveness. Here are some crippling myths about forgiving that leave you victimized and the truths that will set you free.

    Lie: When I forgive, I have to forget what happened and move on.

    Truth: Remembering how you got hurt empowers you to forgive and create the life you deserve.

    When I got home, I tried to forgive my mom for making me grow up isolated and alone. I thought I had to forget that I’d never been allowed to talk to a guy who wasn’t a relative.

    The one awkward time I got asked to dance at a happy hour, I freaked out and started picking an imaginary bug out of my drink. Right then, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into that cup and float around with the ice cubes.

    Acting like the convent never happened was like walking through a minefield with my eyes shut and a great big target on my back. When you forget, you don’t know how to navigate. When you can’t navigate, you fake it.

    Faking it is not forgiveness. Faking it does not set you free and keep you safe.

    That’s why it’s important to remember. Remembering what happened gives you a compass for where you want to be. It lets you go easy on yourself while you design how it’s going to be from now on.

    Remembering how I was kept isolated told me that I didn’t deserve to be lonely any longer. Once I knew I could surround myself with loving relationships in my life, I was open to forgiving my mom.

    Honoring your reality lets you build the life you deserve and empowers you to forgive.

    Lie: Forgiveness wipes the slate clean and gives them another chance to hurt me.

    Truth: Forgiveness doesn’t invite you to get hurt again. Forgiveness empowers you to teach others how to treat you differently.

    Forgiving someone takes a lot of honesty. Honesty about yourself and how you deserve to be treated, and honesty about the one who hurt you and how they’re inclined to act around you.

    You don’t cause the way someone else acts, but you can invite them to act differently with you. If they don’t want to play nice, you get to change the way you show up around them.

    When my brother texted me that they all changed their minds about picking me up at the airport, I got frantic. It was Christmas. Mom’s house was an hour away. And all the rental cars were taken.

    When you trust people to be exactly who they are, you can adjust your expectations of them accordingly.

    I told my family that I wanted control over my travel arrangements and would get my own room and join them for dinner.

    The long drive gave me time to think and see them honestly after they let me down. Right then, I decided that I wouldn’t rely on unreliable people any longer. Suddenly, I wasn’t expecting them to rescue me. And I was able to forgive them.

    Forgiveness lets you see your offender honestly and puts you in charge of how you’re treated.

    Lie: I have to forgive someone or they won’t heal and be forgiven.

    Truth: When someone asks for forgiveness, they want their own peace back. And that’s not even something you can give them.

    One of the biggest truths I learned is that forgiveness heals me. I can’t do someone else’s healing for them.

    The only time my mother ever asked me to forgive her was late at night, in the privacy of her own living room, at the bottom of a bottle of Sandeman’s Port.

    “Will you forgive me? For everything?”

    “Sure. Yeah. Of course,” I’d say. But next year would only find her crying at the bottom of another bottle. I wanted her to be happy. But I couldn’t go there for her.

    Setting people free to walk through their own darkness is the truest test of your own freedom.

    Lie: I can’t forgive someone who doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.

    Truth: Forgiveness doesn’t give others what they deserve. Forgiveness gives you the only chance of ever getting what you truly deserve—your freedom.

    Freedom means you let go of hurting and decide to take the good stuff for a change.

    Letting yourself feel better takes a lot of trust. Trust that there’s enough good stuff out there for you. Trust that even if the bad guy gets some, there’s still always plenty for you.

    My early phone chats with Mom always ended badly. She’d start in with, “Remember when you guys used to—” And I’d cut in that, “No, Mom. I don’t remember. I never lived in that house. I was in a convent.” As soon as she’d come back with, “Well, I hope you don’t think that was my idea!” the F-bombs would hit the fan.

    I thought I never could forgive her if she wouldn’t admit all that happened to me. Truth is, I don’t think she’ll ever understand all that happened to me. And eventually, it didn’t matter. I stopped waiting for her to deserve it and just gave myself the good stuff anyway.

    Forgiveness isn’t about balancing the scales of justice. Forgiveness is about attaining your own freedom along the way.

    Lie: I can’t forgive until I know the reason this happened to me.

    Truth: You may never know the reason anything happened. But you can create your own reason for everything that happens now.

    What happened to you wasn’t fair. But “why?” is a question you could be chasing to your grave.

    Why torture yourself trying to make sense of what didn’t make sense? You already suffered through what actually happened to you. Why keep feeding the story with endless possibilities of terrible endings?

    I wasted a lot of time wondering why. I wanted it all to somehow make sense. If it wasn’t my fault, it had to be somebody else’s. Because what’s more pointless than thinking that I sacrificed my entire youth for absolutely no reason at all?

    Finally, I gave myself my own reason. I needed a reason to live now.

    If I was going to live, I was going to love living.

    The day I gave myself a reason to live was the day I stopped looking for the reason my youth had died.

    That was the day that I became free.

    Freeing yourself from the burden of “why?” sets you free from an eternal blame game with no end in sight.

    How to Break Free Once and for All

    Can I get real with you for a second?

    We’ve all got an inner victim. Our own personal champion of lies and no way out. And it needs us to believe it.

    Here’s the thing—lies get bigger when you believe them. But so does the truth.

    Stop pointing fingers at the lies you’ve been led to believe.

    You are not a victim. You are strong. And free. And powerful in your truth.

    There’s not a thing standing in your way.

    Set yourself free already! Take the good stuff for a change.

  • 5 Questions That Will Help You Focus On What Matters

    5 Questions That Will Help You Focus On What Matters

    Focus on What Matters

    “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~Mary Oliver

    Let’s get things done.

    If you’ve ever read any books or articles about productivity, you’ve heard this phrase. It’s one I used and made a part of my life for a long time. More recently, I’ve discovered there’s a better and more disciplined way to work and to live.

    It’s called essentialism, and it means getting more of the right things done.

    According to Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, an essentialist removes the trivial and focuses on what adds value.

    They make smart decisions about how to spend their time, energy, and resources because they understand this is the best way of contributing more to the people in their lives, to their families, and to society.

    I’ve discovered five important questions that are helping me make progress toward getting more of the right things done.

    And I want to share them with you.

    1. Is this activity adding value to my life?

    Since I was a child, I played and loved video games. When I was in my mid-twenties, I even reviewed them for a popular entertainment website. The website didn’t pay me, but I didn’t care. I enjoyed gaming, and I was able to keep the games after I wrote my reviews.

    After a year or two of this, I felt a shift in how I approached games. Instead of looking forward to playing the next AAA title or blockbuster release, I began to dread the tedious missions, the walkthroughs, and inevitable write-ups.

    To my great shame, I wrote negative reviews of games I’d only played for an hour or two before selling them.

    One morning, after staying up late gaming the night before, I woke up and realized I was wasting my time and energy on something I didn’t enjoy. I emailed my editor and told him I was done. Then, I sold my games and gave my console to my son.

    I’m not making a case against gaming; instead, I share this story as an example of how we value our time differently as we grow older.

    2. How am I going to fill my glass?

    Consider your entire day a glass:

    You can fill this glass first with important activities, or big rocks, such as spending time with family or working on projects you’re passionate about. Then, you can fill the glass with non-essential activities like answering email or watching television—these are like grains of sand, and they will settle around the big rocks in your day.

    However, if you fill your glass with non-essential activities first, there will be no room left for the big rocks in your day.

    Every night, before I go to bed, I ask myself what I want to fill my glass with?

    My answer is almost always the same: to write.

    Unless I act, these grains of sand will fill my day and leave no room for writing. However, if I make a conscious decision to write, these grains of sand settle around the big rocks in my day.

    I’m not going to lie and say I fit writing into every day, but when I do I feel lighter. And if I write first thing—even if it’s just a journal entry—I don’t have the inevitable moment when I sit on the couch after an exhausting and demanding day and think, “Oh no, I still have to write.”

    If you’re not a writer, you still have big rocks in your life. They could be spending time with a loved one, meditating, or exercising. Your grains of sand could be commitments you’ve made to others that aren’t adding value to your life or passive activities like watching the news or reading social media feeds.

    Decide on your big rocks before you got to bed, and you will wake up and fill your day with what matters.

    3. What clutter can I eliminate?

    Two years ago, I lost a dream job. I was unemployed for six months, and spent a lot of this free time figuring out what matters most to me and reading about minimalism.

    It felt like something I could get into, and when you’re unemployed, you need something to get into.

    Minimalism is another name for essentialism, and the quickest way to get started is to eliminate material goods you don’t use, need, love, or depend on.

    I sold my laptop because I prefer writing using my desktop computer. I donated every book to charity that I promised myself I’d read but had no intention of doing so.

    I got rid of every item of clothing that I hadn’t worn during the past twelve months. And, I deleted almost all of the unwatched films and TV shows on my hard-drive and cancelled subscriptions to various online services.

    Did I do this because I had free time on my hands?

    Perhaps.

    Later on, when I found a job, I thought of buying a new laptop and replacing the clothes I’d given away. But I found I didn’t miss any of these things.

    Eliminating clutter gave me more space, more time, and more room for the big rocks in my life.

    If you want to eliminate some of the clutter in your life, McKeown offers this advice:

    “If I didn’t already own this, how much would I spend to buy it?”

    4. How do I protect myself?

    To be an essentialist is to protect your physical, mental, and spiritual health. Each of these three areas represents one side of a triangle, and if one is under stress, the other two will suffer.

    Here’s how I protect myself:

    To look after my mental health, I expose myself to new ideas through challenging books and record ten ideas every day based on these books. This practice keeps my brain active.

    To look after my physical health, I run up to twenty miles a week. This practice helps me work through stressful problems, and it gives me more energy for other areas of my life.

    To look after my spiritual health, I try to meditate for an hour a week, and I write regular journal entries about what I’m struggling with and things I feel grateful for.

    I find this practice exceptionally difficult, but taking a step back from the trenches of the working week helps me quiet my monkey mind. It helps me sleep better at night. And then I can return to whatever I’m doing with a renewed vigor.

    5. How often do I disconnect?

    Several years ago, I went on vacation to a campsite in Italy. There was no immediately available Internet access at the campsite, and I wasn’t able to check my phone and my feeds or read the news whenever I wanted.

    On the first day of this trip, I felt disconnected and behind. My hands kept reaching for the email app on my phone even though I knew I didn’t have access to the Internet.

    After a day or two this habit died, and I began to enjoy these disconnected few days away from home. I took one lesson home from this holiday.

    Being constantly connected kills my opportunity to escape, to enjoy a vacation, to spend time with the people I’m with and even to focus on my work.

    It’s been a while since I’ve gone a week without email, but I’ve removed the email app from my phone and only check it at predefined periods during the day. I’ve also disabled as many notifications as possible on the devices that I use. And I regularly work without being connected to the Internet.

    If you take regular time out to take care of yourself, you will be better able to focus on what matters

    Live Your Wild and Precious Life

    An essentialist avoids spending their time on tasks they can say no to, on people they should say no to, and on compromises that aren’t worth making.

    They are committed working on what inspires them, on what they’re talented at, and pursuing their contributions to the world.

    I’m still working on becoming an essentialist and eliminating the trivial from my life. It’s a difficult practice and one I fall way from often, but the five questions I’ve shared with you help.

    I know now that anyone can choose to live their wild and precious life the way they want.

    We just have to decide what matters.