Tiny Buddha

Tag: plans

  • 5 Lessons About Change I Learned from Moving to a New City

    5 Lessons About Change I Learned from Moving to a New City

    “You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control how you deal with it.” ~Unknown

    I recently moved to Florida, a decision thirty years in the making.

    Growing up in Haiti, I always longed to return to a warm climate. I remember being on our layover in Miami when we first moved to the States and thinking, “Why don’t we just stay here?” Moving to Boston at ten, the cold rain was a shock, and I’ve been dreaming of Florida ever since.

    Here’s the thing about dreams—they take time, and life sometimes gets in the way. I stayed in Boston for college, built a career, and raised my daughter, and every time I thought about making the move south, something else needed my attention.

    When my daughter graduated from high school, I felt the time was right. So I handed in my resignation, let our landlord know that we would be moving out, and started planning our move to Florida.

    You might be wondering, “Did you really move just for the sunshine and palm trees?” Well, yes and no. Those are wonderful (especially after decades of Boston winters!), but the truth is, it goes much deeper. It’s about finding a sense of belonging and reclaiming a piece of myself that I felt I lost along the way, reconnecting with the warmth that reminds me of my childhood in Haiti.

    Leaving Boston wasn’t easy. The friends, the routines, the community—I had built a life there. It was a terrifying decision. There were nights I lay awake wrestling with doubt, but deep down, I felt it was right.

    Reflecting on the move, here are five lessons it taught me, which I hope you can relate to.

    Lesson 1: Embrace the unknown.

    The fear of the unknown is usually one of the most daunting parts of any major life transition. And for me, moving to Florida was no different. I had to leave behind everything familiar to enter a world of uncertainty.

    I spent thirty years building a comfortable life in Boston. But comfort can be a double-edged sword—it can keep you from exploring and from finding new parts of yourself.

    During one of my first morning walks in Florida, I noticed how different everything felt—the air was warmer, the pace rather slow, and the faces were all unfamiliar. It hit me then: I was truly starting over.

    But it also reminded me of when I first moved to Boston from Haiti as a child and how different everything felt back then. Just as I adapted then, I knew I could do it again.

    Yes, the unknown can be scary, but growth happens when you embrace it—when you open yourself up to new experiences, people, and places.

    You have to be willing to explore, to try new things, to make mistakes and learn from them.

    Lesson 2: Plans don’t always work out.

    I’m a big-time planner. I love having everything mapped out, knowing exactly what’s going to happen and when. So, before our move, we knew where we were going to live, what college our daughter would attend, and how we would adjust to the new city.

    But life had other plans.

    We faced unexpected challenges—delays, changes in schedules, and problems we didn’t see coming.

    For example, right before our move, the moving company that had agreed to transport our belongings, cancelled at the last minute. I remember standing in the middle of our packed-up living room, filled with hundreds of packed boxes, and feeling utterly overwhelmed. How could something so important go so wrong at the last minute?

    In the end, we scrambled to find an alternative. When we finally did, the new company was delayed by several days, leaving us in limbo with everything packed but nowhere to go.

    So here is the thing—no matter how perfectly you plan, life has a way of throwing you curveballs. I had to accept that plans don’t always work out and that being adaptable is what really gets you through when things don’t go as expected.

    Lesson 3: People handle change differently.

    One thing I have learned about change is that everyone experiences it differently. We each have our own perspectives and our own ways of processing and reacting to what’s happening around us.

    My daughter was a bundle of nerves and excitement, stepping tentatively into adulthood, balancing her part-time job with college orientations and a whole new social scene. My husband, usually the rock, struggled to adapt to our new surroundings and missed his after-work routines and his usual grocery store.

    As for me, I was managing the logistics and emotional toll of the move, trying to keep everything on track—all while running a business still in its foundational stages.

    What worked for us? Regularly checking in with each other.

    It was powerful to ask—and really listen—about each other’s well-being and how each of us was dealing with this move. Taking the time to understand and connect with each other made all the difference.

    Lesson 4: Find your anchors.

    Amidst all the uncertainty and chaos that comes with a big life transition, finding things that ground you (I call these anchors) becomes your lifeline. These can be routines, habits, or places that give you a sense of stability when everything else is in flux.

    For me, journaling has become that sacred anchor. It’s my time to slow down, be present, and listen to myself. Every morning, I grab my journal and simply ask:

    “What am I feeling right now?”

    This one question opens up so much for me. It’s not just writing things down—it’s about connecting deeply with myself. It helps me embrace all the newness here in Florida, from the excitement of fresh starts to the occasional twinge of missing what I’ve left behind.

    Lesson 5: Don’t forget to laugh.

    Mistakes happen, especially during a big move.

    Like the time we realized we had packed essential items in the wrong boxes. We tore through boxes at midnight, finding only kitchen utensils and winter coats. We ended up using towels as makeshift pillows.

    We were stressed, tired, and frustrated beyond belief. But then we laughed about it.

    In moments of frustration, finding something to laugh about can shift your perspective and remind you that even in the most chaotic times, there are moments of joy and connection.

    Take a moment to think about these points.

    • How do you handle change? Do you find yourself trying to control every aspect, getting frustrated, or using humor to cope?
    • What unexpected changes have you faced recently? How did you adapt, and what did you learn about yourself in the process?
    • How do you support the people around you at times of change? Remember, you’re not the only one experiencing change; those around you are, too.

    Change is inevitable, but how we handle it defines our journey. Embrace the unknown, support each other, and don’t forget to laugh along the way.

  • Why Many of Us Chase Big Dreams and End Up Feeling Dissatisfied

    Why Many of Us Chase Big Dreams and End Up Feeling Dissatisfied

    “A dream written down with a date becomes a GOAL. A goal broken down into steps becomes a PLAN. A plan backed by ACTION makes your dreams come true.” ~Greg Reid

    We all have dreams, some of them really big. And if we are serious about achieving these dreams, the next logical step is to set a goal, make a plan, and start taking action.

    But we are missing out on one very important step in the dream-creating journey.

    This step is one that has taken me, personally, two decades to come to realize. And my first clue came from my kids’ bedtime story book, of all places!

    Down in the depths of the ocean lived a sad and lonely whale who spent his days searching and searching for the next shiny object, never feeling complete or fulfilled in his quest for more. Then one day, stumbling upon a beautiful reef, a clever little crab stops him and asks:

    “You are the whale that always wants more. But what are you really wanting it for?”

    We seem to spend our whole lives setting goals and planning out our dreams, but we rarely stop to ask ourselves what we want these things for. What do we want the new car, job, promotion or house for?

    If we stopped to think, and if we were really honest with ourselves, we would all have a similar answer. Because our goals and dreams often boil down to the same underlying human need for significance: to feel good enough, valued, validated, accepted, loved, or worthy.

    Most of our goals are essentially attached to our need to feel good enough in the eyes of others and ourselves.

    The Missing Step of Having an Unattached Goal

    Having an unattached goal is the missing step in our dream-living process. It is such an important step for two simple reasons. When we have goals that are conjoined to the need to be good enough, we can only end up with one of two finish-line photos:

    • You on the podium with the winning medal around your neck, but looking around at the next shiny medal to chase, not fulfilled by your achievement.
    • You not crossing the finishing line, with an “I’m a failure” sign around your neck, left with an even bigger hunger for validation and self-worth.

    Cease the Endless Quest for More

    Just like in the children’s book The Whale Who Wanted More, a typical pattern is to chase goal after goal, finding that we are never satisfied for long and continually hatching plans for the next shiny object to chase.

    It makes complete sense when you realize that these goals are forged together with the need for significance, acceptance, or validation. Because if we don’t fill those needs first and instead use our goals to meet them, there is no car, house, promotion, or partner that will. And we will always be looking for that next thing to meet those needs.

    Cease the Self-Sabotage

    Self-sabotage was my MO for many years. Just like an ironsmith beating his flame-red metal into shape, I had beat and bent my purpose so that it would fulfill what I lacked in self-worth and what I secretly craved in acceptance and validation. I would be enough only when I achieved my purpose-related goal.

    And here’s the kicker—I not only needed to live my purpose in order to fulfill my need for significance, I also had to swim against the undercurrent of feeling like I wasn’t capable of actually doing it.

    The fear of failure was so real, because if I failed at this I wouldn’t get the validation and worth that I needed. So any time I felt like failure was in sight, I would give up and hatch a new plan to reach my purposeful goal, and in doing so, sabotage my own path to it. My way of seeing the world had become: better to keep the dream of a possibility alive than have the reality of failure come true.

    The Question That Opened My Eyes to My Attached Goals

    I lived for twenty years under the guise of a pure purpose, a burning flame to help others. And though that was very much part of my drive and work over the years, it was subtly intertwined with the need for recognition and “becoming someone.” And it had slowly and silently transformed into a shackle for self-worth and significance.

    About a month or two after reading that bedtime book to my children, I heard a question that split my tug-of-war rope in half; a question that left my goal on one side and my self-worth safely on the other. It gave me the separation, distance, and freedom I needed to be me and to go after my goals with no emotional agendas, just pure passion and purpose.

    And the magic question was:

    If you don’t get what you want, what would that mean about you?

    When I first heard that question, my answer came so quickly:

    I’d be a failure.

    It seemed like a simple mathematical truth to me: don’t achieve my life-long goal equals failure. What other answer could there possible be?

    As it happens, there is only one right answer to this question. And it wasn’t the one I gave. The right answer sounded simple. There was nothing complicated about it, but it just didn’t sit, settle, or disperse in any way. It just kind of hung there in front of me, just waiting for something to happen.

    And something did happen, about a week later.

    I was running through my typical pattern: the way I would always approach my purpose-related goals and how, after seeing and concluding that nothing would ever come from my efforts, just give up.

    But that day, I suddenly remembered the question, if you don’t get what you want, what would that mean about you?

    And more importantly, I remembered the right answer:

    Nothing.

    Yes, you read that right. The right answer is nothing. Not getting what you want changes nothing about who you are. You are still you.

    You are still worthy. You are worthy, whether or not you achieve your goal. When we tie so much meaning and worth to what we are trying to achieve it becomes a huge block. And we end up chasing that goal or that dream for all the wrong reasons: so that we don’t feel like a failure; so that we feel loved, accepted, and recognized.

    Your goals do not complete you. You are complete whether you achieve them or not.

    When you truly feel that not getting what you want means absolutely nothing about you, you know that you have an unattached goal. And when you have an unattached goal, you are free to go after it without those typical self-sabotaging patterns and to enjoy achieving your goal when you reach it.

    A dream written down with a date becomes a GOAL. A goal broken down into steps becomes a PLAN. A plan backed by ACTION makes your dreams come true.

    But a dream unattached to your self-worth is the real dream come true.

  • Are You Sick of Waiting, Wanting, and Wishing for a Better Life?

    Are You Sick of Waiting, Wanting, and Wishing for a Better Life?

    “Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another.” ~Walter Elliott

    I often find myself impatient with the pace of my progress. Waiting for my life to move forward can sometimes feel like I’m watching paint dry.

    There are so many moments when we feel like our life is at a standstill. This is generally where I double down with my intensity. I hit it with everything I can. The crash comes soon after from the inevitable violent collision of my mind, body, and spirit as they’re pushed beyond their limits.

    The idea of having to wait for anything is a first-world problem. The thought that your cat’s costume might not arrive in time for Halloween is enough to bring some people to tears. Just thinking of Mr. Whiskers having to go out as a plain ol’ cat is a bloody crime.

    And that’s waiting for a cat costume.

    What about that book you wish would just write itself?

    What about that scale that still shows you being forty pounds heavier than you want to be?

    What about that bank account that still isn’t bigger than your credit card bill?

    These are not things we want to wait for. We want the juice without the squeeze.

    We’ve grown so impatient with the idea of waiting for results that we act like moving slowly is a poison to progress. We default to believing the antidote is a shot of intensity straight to the veins. But all that gives us is further frustration, anger, guilt that we’re not doing enough, and the feeling that we need to push harder.

    It’s such a horrible way to approach life. Especially since the only finish line comes when you take your final breath. And I don’t know about you, but I’m in no rush to get there early.

    It’s exhausting even thinking about that period of my life when I wanted to write a book, lose forty pounds, and stop feeling broke. Not a day would pass when I wouldn’t be consumed by feelings of doubt and hopelessness. I should have been pushing out diamonds with the amount of pressure I was putting on myself.

    That struggle led to a life-changing aha moment for me. I realized that there are two ways to approach making progress. You can hit it hard with intensity. Or you can set a long-term aim with consistency.

    Which of these do you think is sustainable for making progress?

    Think back to the children’s story of the tortoise versus the hare. These are lessons worth revisiting for their simple and profound principles on approaching life.

    We all overestimate what we can accomplish in a day, but we underestimate what we can accomplish in a year with steady momentum.

    How do you write a book? By establishing a daily writing habit.

    How do you lose forty pounds? By moving your body every day and eating less than you burn.

    How do you get out of debt? By making a daily choice to spend less than you earn (and invest the difference).

    You’re not going to write a book in a day, but there’s a damn good chance you’ll have one in a year.

    You’re not going to lose forty pounds in a day, but you could in a year.

    You won’t get out of debt in a day, but you’ll set a trajectory for wealth creation that lasts the rest of your life.

    How different could your life be a year from now if you committed to something that’s important to you?

    Sit with that idea for a moment. Soak it in.

    What would it feel like to hold that book in your hands?

    What would it feel like to look at that scale and see the number you want to see?

    What would it feel like to be debt-free and investing in your future?

    I’m serious. Feel it. Wait till you get goosebumps.

    That is peace of mind, relief, and a sense of fulfillment tied up in a bow on Christmas morning. That is the realization that you can have almost anything you want in your life if you stay disciplined with your priorities. That is the power of consistent daily habits.

    There’s a saying about hope not being a strategy for change. I do believe hope is a beautiful emotion. But I’ve seen myself get stuck for years waiting, wanting, and wishing for a better life. Hope didn’t give me a way out because it left me at the mercy of my current circumstances.

    Writer Lu Xun said, “Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.”

    This is the power of action and putting one foot in front of the other.

    Every action you take is a vote toward the person you want to be. The more we align the things we do on a daily basis with the person we want to become, the more fulfillment we feel in the little things that get us there.

    What do you wish you could change if only it didn’t feel so hard? And what could it mean for your life if every day you prioritized this change and did one small thing to work toward it?

    Make the decision to commit to a simple daily habit that reflects the person you want to be and the life you want to live. When you do this, you’re deciding to take back control of your life. You’re deciding to give yourself a better future. You’re deciding that you matter.

  • 4 Reasons to Let Go of the Need to Plan Your Future

    4 Reasons to Let Go of the Need to Plan Your Future

    “No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living in the now.” ~Alan Watts

    I went to college a little bit later in life. Because of that, people often mistakenly believed I was operating on a specific (and somewhat urgent) timetable—as though I was running to catch up with the rest of the people my age.

    However, I was already in a career I loved (teaching yoga) that supported me financially. For me, going back to school was mainly about enjoying the process of getting an education without any pressure to get it over and done with.

    As it came time for me to graduate, I frequently got asked, “So, what’s next?”

    I never quite knew how to answer this question, and to be honest, it always made me a little bit uncomfortable. Mostly it made me uncomfortable because I could sense others’ discomfort with my answer, which was: “Nothing’s next.” People seemed to bristle at my reply and worse, give me a list of reasons why they thought it was risky not to have anything lined-up after I graduated.

    Even though their reactions weren’t personal, and for the most part, didn’t really have anything to do with me, the truth was: I was still insecure about making my own way through life and taking the path less traveled—which in this case was teaching yoga full-time and not making any concrete plans for the future.

    People clearly thought I should go out and get a “real” job (as if teaching yoga didn’t qualify as a real job). Another yoga teacher even asked me if I was going to get a “big girl job” when I graduated. Ouch.

    It seemed as though everyone expected me to launch into a new career or go on to higher education, and in spite of myself, I subconsciously agreed that perhaps I should just make a nice solid plan for my life.

    The problem was A) I already had a plan (which was not making any plans) and B) up until that point, my whole life had been spent making plans, and that hadn’t worked out so well. Over-planning had led to a lot of wasted time and energy. Plus, it had become readily apparent that life doesn’t always go according to plan (and thank God for that!).

    While plans aren’t in and of themselves bad, and they can certainly help lend direction to life, equally, I found it was generally in my best interest to leave things wide open to possibility, and here’s why:

    1. Planning tends to solidify life, and life is simply not meant to be frozen solid.

    Cliché as it may sound, life is a lot like water, and making plans is like placing a whole lot of logs and rocks and other obstructions in life’s way—it clogs up the current. Plans create resistance, and life is usually best when not resisted.

    2. When you’re looking for a specific outcome, you’re often not looking at anything else.

    A whole world of fantastic prospects could be surrounding you, but when you have on what I like to call the “focus-blinders,” all you can see is what you think you want, and nothing more.

    3. This one’s sort of an addendum to number two: We might miss out on opportunities.

    For the most part, people are inclined to think they’ll recognize opportunity when it comes knocking, but it’s been my experience that opportunity comes in all shapes and sizes, and it might easily be missed (or severely delayed) if we’re expecting it to look a certain way.

    4. This last one might be the most important, and it’s that over-planning can cause us to overthink and end up second-guessing or compromising ourselves, as well as our values and goals.

    I’ve learned the hard way (on more than one occasion) that having a plan and sticking to it like glue can be a fast path to rock bottom.

    All those years ago, when I was on the eve of graduating from college and on the verge of having a major planning relapse, I looked back at my life so far and could see that everything had always worked out in one way or another, and often in ways I could never have orchestrated (or predicted) myself.

    While the future certainly looked intimidating from where I was standing, I had the sense that I could trust things would continue to work out. Even if I wasn’t the one carefully planning everything out.

    The story we tend to tell ourselves is that if we don’t make plans, then nothing will happen. And if we’re not in control, then things might fall apart.

    But the gentle truth, which is actually the glorious truth, is: we’re not in control, anyway. Not fully. And that’s such a lot of pressure to take off your shoulders. Even if you don’t plan your life down to the last detail, things will still happen. Opportunities will still show up.

    Phew, it’s not all up to you!

    That doesn’t mean you can’t also have some idea of where you’d like to go—there’s nothing wrong with having dreams and goals. But there’s something to be said for staying open instead of being rigidly attached to a specific outcome.

    That compulsive urge to plan comes from the urge to avoid uncertainty, a protective instinct that’s literally hardwired into our biology. Planning is a powerful impulse to minimize risk and ensure our continued safety and security.

    However, if you can find a way of making peace with a future that is largely unknowable, and also recognize that unknowable doesn’t automatically mean bad, it will help soothe that part of your brain that instantly wants to launch into planning mode.

    Ultimately, real security doesn’t come from the outside—from making plans or holding office jobs or earning Master’s Degrees. Real security comes from within.

    The most control we can exercise is to keep on doing the next right thing, taking steps that move us closer to the center of our Self, and living our lives in a way that reminds us of who we are.

    I still occasionally fall under the spell of planning, but every time I get wrapped up in the false sense of security planning offers, I come once more to the realization that life simply does not function according to my made-up agenda (no matter how well-crafted).

  • You Aren’t Stuck in Life: Commit to Change and Get Started

    You Aren’t Stuck in Life: Commit to Change and Get Started

    “The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” ~Mark Twain

    We all have big dreams, big goals, and big ideas on what we think our life should look like, or how we think life will end up.

    Some of us meticulously plan out our lives, envisioning and letting ourselves daydream as we think about all the stuff we’d love to accomplish. I’d wager that our plans include some pretty big things in life that would make us feel pretty proud.

    The problem is, a lot of us have trouble reaching the potential we’ve set for ourselves. Time kind of flies by, and we end up looking back and wondering what went wrong.

    Well, one reason stands out like a sore thumb: We never really get started doing the things we truly want to do. We’re all guilty of it, and that includes me.

    I’ve cooked up dozens (literally dozens) of ideas or things I wanted to try over the years. How many did I actually try? Far less than dozens; let’s just say the ratio isn’t exactly working in my favor.

    Now, as time has gone by, I’ve been able to explore more of them. But as you know, some of them got shelved for good. I probably don’t even remember half of the things I wanted to try and never did.

    Why did I not try? What was the reasoning behind it? Why did I lack the forward motion necessary to at least attempt something and see if it sticks? I, like you, are fully aware that not everything we do will end up being a calling in life. But you won’t know until you give it a shot.

    To help you better understand this idea pertaining to a lack of motion, one must take a step back and realize that life, in a very big nutshell, is a series of decisions and actions. These two components are crucial for our self-growth and success in life and unfortunately are not mutually exclusive.

    Without making a decision and following it up with action, we could spend our entire lives stuck in the exact same place.

    If you make a decision but don’t take any action, not much will happen. On the other hand, if you take a bunch of actions without any decisions driving them, you’ll aimlessly float around.

    Being stuck in the same place or floating around aimlessly sounds torturous, doesn’t it? It is, and a lot of people must be living real-life nightmares. I had to wake up from my own years ago.

    Good or bad, where you are in life at this very moment is a reflection of all the past choices you’ve made. Some of us will read that and smile, maybe even give ourselves a little nod of appreciation if it’s good. On the other hand, a fair number of us will probably have a hard time digesting it.

    If you aren’t quite where you thought you’d be, I’d like to start by just saying that it’s perfectly okay. Most of us aren’t really where we thought we’d be, and we’re still giving it our best shot.

    There are generally two reasons you aren’t at your “ideal” place. A small chance is that life gave you an obstacle course with things completely out of your control; in other words, life got in the way temporarily. But there’s a bigger possibility you aren’t where you thought you’d be: you just flat out didn’t pursue something. And it was likely out of fear.

    In other words, you didn’t really ever get started.

    The Good And The Bad News

    Let’s start with the bad news: You never got started, and now you’ve wasted some valuable time moving toward your goals. Your life isn’t really playing out like you thought it would, and you feel somewhat stuck with your current habits, lifestyle, relationships, career, and other things.

    Pause for a moment and take a deep breath, as this might have hit closer to home than you’d prefer.

    Good, you’re still with me.

    Now let’s transition to the good news, because it’s actually really good:

    You’re never stuck, and while the best time to start something was yesterday, the next best time is now.

    You, yes you, have the ability to create the life you want, but it requires you to make moves. And while you may have fallen short previously, it doesn’t mean you will fall short going forward.

    Here’s the bottom line: your past does not dictate your future. Your past habits and lifestyle do not have to determine your lot in life.

    The Idea Behind Starting

    You’ve probably heard the quote “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Well, it sure is true. Because really, is anything built in a day?

    Was your house fully built on top of a piece of land in a day? Was that skyscraper completely erected in a day? Did you apply for, interview, and start working at your job in the span of twenty-four hours?

    Things take time to build. Let’s say you’ve been wanting to switch careers because your soul has been sucked completely dry. You planted the career switching seed a while ago, and you’ve been letting it marinate for far too long.

    Yet you haven’t made any moves, and in the meantime, nothing has changed. Does this sound familiar? I found myself in this exact position years ago. I was miserable at a job I didn’t enjoy. I wanted to change, but I got scared of the unknown and didn’t make any changes.

    Years passed by before I got a kick in the pants and decided to take a change. It took getting laid off, but it was the best thing that happened to me. I decided enough was enough. It was time to ultimately change my entire career, and also start exploring other smaller avenues on the side.

    But unfortunately, I didn’t really know the one thing I needed to do professionally in order to be more fulfilled. I knew what I didn’t want to do (hello old career), but I also didn’t know what I wanted to do.

    I began formulating. Writing goals. Crafting some business plans. Attending meetups and networking around areas I found interesting. It was through this meetup that I came across a three-month program being offered in a particular field that I had once tinkered with in high school, but walked away from.

    And voila, I am now in my new career. You can put the pieces together, but I took a leap and joined the program. Fear and all. I was scared, but now I am in a field that is 180 degrees from my previous one. And all it took was attending a meetup. Funny how life works.

    Self-doubt and fear are the two biggest barriers in our quest to make moves. A third, and less talked about one, is pure overwhelm: seeing where you are and looking where you want to go leaves you exasperated.

    This is where movement comes into play. You take steps, however small, toward your visions and goals. You make sure you’re moving forward.

    And here’s the cool thing: The force that you apply, in other words the actions you take, can be extremely small and still produce positive results. This is the idea of micro-movement.

    What does this mean? If you’re scared to make a move because you’re overwhelmed by the end result of where you think you need to go, it’s really important to realize one big thing: your collection of small steps equals big results.

    No one takes a leap of faith and accomplishes life’s biggest goals in the same breath. Life rewards those who take consistent, measurable action, while enjoying a dose of patience and commitment.

    Putting All The Pieces Together

    Most people have an idea of some higher-level goals they’d love to accomplish in their lives. Be it personal, health, finances, career, relationships, or all five, every single one of us has fallen victim to overwhelm and the paralyzing nature of fear.

    But a few things are happening in your favor.

    Namely, the universe is here to aid you in your dreams and desires if you let it.

    It just requires a few things:

    • A decision made internally to change
    • A desire to take the steps required
    • A realization that micro-movements forward are perfectly normal
    • Actually making moves
    • A dose of patience and commitment

    Then, the laws of motion will help you take care of the rest because you’ll have built movement and momentum.

    You aren’t stuck in life. You are capable of making a lot of power moves.

    The key is just getting started.

  • When You’re Busy Looking for Happiness in the Future

    When You’re Busy Looking for Happiness in the Future

    Man Looking Through Binoculars

    “You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop. Seek the wisdom that will untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being.” ~Rumi

    It seems like there is so much busyness in the world today. When was the last time you stopped to focus on your breath and to truly settle into the moment?

    When we’re busy, we don’t always prioritize these precious moments of full presence with our own aliveness.

    Being busy can become like an addiction, an urge that drives us compulsively. But what are we really looking for in all those things that keep us busy?

    A friend recently told me she’s been busy for four years renovating her house. Now that it’s almost done, she doesn’t feel what she thought she’d feel. “It’s just a house, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like a home.”

    I’ve found that the circumstances we think we want aren’t always what we truly want; we want the feeling we perceive it will give us. We believe changing our lives is going to give us a sense of completion or happiness.  

    For many years, I had a vision of what my perfect life would look like—as if that picture of happiness was a destination.

    I spent my life chasing a sense of freedom. I stayed unhappily busy in a career that promised financial security so I could eventually do all the things I loved in the future.

    I was busy assembling an idea of happiness, but every time I got something I thought I wanted, I felt unsatisfied.

    When I established my career, I then looked for “the one” romantic relationship. When I got that, I felt happy, but I always felt I needed more to complete my perfect picture.

    I once heard it said that there is nothing wrong with ego, it’s just looking for love in all the wrong places. I was looking for freedom and completion in my circumstances.

    When you’re looking for love in your circumstances rather than in who you are inside, right now, in the present, you experience your life like a shell. Just like a house, it’s empty on the inside.

    You might have experienced it for yourself when you worked hard toward a goal but it didn’t give you that feeling of completion or satisfaction when you achieved it—and if it did, it was temporary.

    As soon as I realized I was chasing happiness in the future, I stopped. I radically started living for the now. I followed my heart into a new business, out of old relationships, and into new adventures moment to moment.

    Every time I acted on my heart, I felt an immediate sense of love that was different from what I felt when I made choices for love in the future.  

    Searching for completion in your circumstances is, in a way, looking for your sense of self in them.

    There have been times when I’ve gotten lost by misidentifying what I do with who I am.

    If you derive your sense of self or boost your idea of happiness through your life circumstances—your job, your financial security, or your relationships—it’s going to be painful when those things change form.

    The key is to stop making any of your circumstances mean something about who you are.

    When you find your sense of self in the wholeness of truly living for the now, you free yourself to occupy any life shell. Your contentment comes from who you are, which has nothing to do with what you do, what you have, or what you’ve accomplished.

    You can accomplish great things in this life. But when you know yourself at the depth of your being first, you don’t pursue goals to complete yourself; you pursue them to express yourself in the world, because you feel a love for expression as an extension of your love of life.  

    There is nothing wrong with being busy, but it can distract you from the love that’s already present in who you are at a level of being.

    It’s in moments of silence when I’ve laid down the chase for change that peace has found me, where I have wanted for nothing except just being alive. Happiness happens when you stop looking for it.

    So what are we all really looking for? I believe we are looking for ourselves in our hearts, the one we already are and always have been. I believe we are looking for a state of being—love, that feeling of happiness for no reason.

    Here is how we can find it:

    1. Slow down.

    Pause. Recognize why you’re busy and see if you can do less. Embrace the discomfort that comes from stopping and notice what you are avoiding by being busy. Be willing to sit in that discomfort.

    2. Stop focusing on externals.

    Stop pursuing goals with the idea that you’ll be happy when you achieve them, and put that energy into connecting with your heart. This will relieve the need to fix, improve, or change things out of fear.

    3. Know what matters to you.

    Ask yourself what’s truly important for you in your life. If you were going to die in one year, what would you do in your remaining time?

    4. Do what makes you come alive.

    Find the things that move you in your soul and create those experiences that touch your heart. It’s one step at a time, moment by moment.

    Be willing to turn your life upside down if you need to—get radical—and find support from those who also live by the movements of their heart.

    Man looking through binoculars image via Shutterstock

  • Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize When Your Goal Seems Far Off

    Keeping Your Eyes on the Prize When Your Goal Seems Far Off

    Woman Looking into the Distance

    “Doing your best means never stop trying.” ~Unknown

    As a teacher, the summer season is special, sacred time when I recover from a busy school year and prepare for the next one. The bonus is that I also use the time as a personal blank slate to be as productive as I can be in the other areas of my life that got neglected when all of my energy went into teaching.

    June began with a long list of goals and a meticulously planned schedule for every day and hour of the week. I had big eyes and high hopes about what I’d accomplish. I thought I would definitely finish that novel I had been working on for ages.

    And then I became pregnant and none of it materialized as I sank into a pit of nausea and chronic fatigue. I couldn’t believe all of my plans were falling apart.

    In my “normal” state I’m a productive person who extracts a great deal of personal self-worth (for better or worse) based on the progress of my to-do list. Once I was pregnant I wasn’t able to continue at the same speed.

    I couldn’t believe the injustice of it all. I felt like a complete loser, and it was a difficult, never-ending process trying to forgive myself.

    In life, we inevitably encounter obstacles that are discouraging and make our goals feel unattainable. It doesn’t have to be pregnancy—it could be illness, a new job, a relationship, unexpected stress, an overextended schedule—anything that diverts our attention away from a goal.

    Often the obstacles in our path can be temporary, momentary glitches. Other times they are more complex and formidable and can threaten to delay us indefinitely.

    We have to be able to objectively assess the roadblocks and step away from our emotions in order to identify a new route and keep moving forward. We must always, always move forward, even if it’s at a snail’s pace. It’s a lot easier said than done.

    After months of hating myself for not writing, not exercising, not doing the chores I used to do with efficiency, I had to sit back and strategize. I got tired bemoaning the failure of my plans. There came a point in time when I realized I just couldn’t accept defeat.

    The first step was to embrace the idea that it’s okay to have a change in our path as long as the destination is the same.

    We can all start off with the best-intentioned plans, but inevitably life gets in the way. When that happens we have to be able to go back to the drawing board and think of new ideas to keep moving forward.

    I’m back to writing. It’s not much, but in light of the fact that I feel like a giant slug, work full time, serve on three different committees, and oh yeah, I already have two small children, I feel okay with the progress I’m making. I feel confident that when the time comes for me to re-calculate a new route that will take me to my destination faster, I’ll be able to do it.

    Many people mistakenly think the path to achieving our goals is supposed to be direct and easy, and consequently when they encounter the inevitable detour they don’t know what to do, and their unanticipated disappointment undermines their momentum.

    In reality, achieving our goals has more to do with our determination precisely in those moments when the universe gives us every sign that we should give up. Those are the times when we have to force ourselves to keep moving forward.

    We have to calibrate our expectations and become creative with our strategy, embracing the inevitable ebb and flow of productivity. In a world where nothing is ever perfect, we have to settle for fighting for our very best and turning challenges into unforeseen opportunities.

    When I have to re-think my strategy, this is what I do:

    1. Nurture your desire.

    It’s easy to lose focus of our end-goal, especially when something unexpected is thrown our way. Despite any obstacles, it’s important to keep your desire alive and well. If you’re spending your time criticizing yourself, try to re-frame the situation and channel your energy into something positive that will move you forward.

    If you find yourself losing enthusiasm, do something to rekindle your desire. Sometimes something as simple as reviewing your goals on a regular basis is enough to spark a renewed sense of interest.

    2. Take time for yourself.

    I’m the worst at this, but at the height of my morning sickness I tried really hard to embrace the idea of kicking back with my feet up and indulging in something relaxing. I did a lot of reading, plowing through several Stephen King books that I never usually have time for. Now that I’m back in “work” mode, I appreciate the time I had to read for pleasure.

    We will always have the valleys and peaks in our lives, and although we want to be on top, it’s important to take the time when you are stuck in the valley to relax, rejuvenate, and strategize your next move. It will only make your journey back to the top more successful.

    3. Re-evaluate your goals.

    Halfway through my summer of disappointment and after a lot of denial, I finally realized my list of goals weren’t going to materialize. They were unrealistic for me at that moment. It’s difficult to admit to yourself that you can’t do something.

    When I was ready to embrace the reality of the situation, I sat down and listed what I knew I could handle. I reminded myself that something was better than nothing as long as I was doing my best. Then, I added a little bit more to the list to challenge myself but at the same time make it manageable.

    4. Chunking.

    As a teacher I love to teach my students the concept of chunking. When confronted with a large task or assignment, an effective strategy is to “chunk” the assignment, doing a little bit at a time. This will increase your chances of successfully completing the task and also doing a good job at it.

    Prior to my disappointing summer, I was writing 1,500 words a day. I had hoped to write 2,500 words a day. Today, I don’t have time for either of those goals and settled for a manageable 500.

    As I find myself able to handle more, I know I can always move up or down in my personal quota, but for right now my “chunks” are a realistic measure of something I can reasonably accomplish. While challenging yourself is never a bad idea, you shouldn’t set yourself up to fail.

    5. Log your efforts.

    One way to help yourself see the “big picture” is to keep track of what you do. I have a small journal where I log my effort each day on a particular project. By the end of the month I can see on paper what I’ve accomplished and it serves as a reminder that I am moving forward even when it feels like I’m not.

    6. Celebrate.

    Taking the time to celebrate means you are taking care of yourself. You are the most important vehicle in accomplishing your goals and as such you should treat yourself with love and respect. When you’re making progress, big or small, never forget to take the time to celebrate your efforts.

    At the end of the day you must be your biggest fan. Put one foot in front of the other and keep walking forward, but don’t forget to pause and celebrate the small victories throughout the journey.

    Woman looking into the distance image via Shutterstock

  • Turn Dreams Into Plans

    Turn Dreams Into Plans

    Turn Dreams into Plans

    Source

  • When Things Don’t Go As Planned: Transform Disappointment into Action

    When Things Don’t Go As Planned: Transform Disappointment into Action

    Deep Thought

    “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” ~James Joyce

    I’ve had a bit of experience with disappointment. I got very motivated to change my relationship with it when I was in my twenties and starting my acupuncture practice.

    I knew it would take time to build my client base; what I didn’t realize, or more likely was in denial about, was that a very effective way of doing that was by arranging public speaking gigs. I absolutely hated public speaking. Big disappointment.

    I also didn’t consider how much work running a business really was. I had to talk to supplement vendors, deal with the landlord, make sure the copy machine was working, learn new computer programs, do the laundry, and on and on.

    I wanted to do acupuncture! I didn’t want to vacuum the floors and call about the errors on the phone bill! I realized pretty quickly I had to learn how to reassess my feelings of disappointment or I wouldn’t have the gumption and energy to continue on my quest.

    Having the tenacity to overcome disappointment is a necessary skill. Some disappointing experiences are unavoidable. Sometimes that engaging person we meet at the coffee shop doesn’t call, or the job we were a great fit for is offered to someone else.

    These things happen, and generally we can roll with it.

    However, with larger scale disappointments, or recurring disappointments, it’s great to have a strategy to transform that “down” feeling into motivated action.

    When we feel disappointed, it’s easy for us to slow down, to say, “Why bother?” and to allow ourselves to get knocked off our trajectory. The following steps can help shift our viewpoint and revamp those feelings into action.

    1. Explore your original expectations surrounding the goal.

    If there is disappointment, then there was expectation. So what was our initial expectation? The answer to this is sometimes surprising…

    Once that’s fleshed out, we can ask ourselves, was this expectation realistic? Was it well thought out? What was motivating the desired outcome to begin with? Did we do the steps that one might reasonably expect to do to experience this desired outcome?

    These can be hard questions. At times we’ll find our expectations are very reasonable. Other times, not so much. It can be tough to break down our desires, which are largely driven by emotions, in this logical manner.

    However, it’s a great practice that can help us to explore our expectations more deeply. It helped me to recognize that my initial expectations about having my own business were idealistic vs. real world.

    2. Make a decision.

    Armed with the information we’ve gathered from the previous set of explorations, it’s time to decide how we want to proceed.

    Our decision will fall into one of three categories:

    We can continue on in the same vein after the desired outcome.

    This would be a great route if we’ve decided that while, yes, it was disappointing that our favorite boutique doesn’t want to carry our new jewelry line, there are other cool shops in town we can approach as well.

    We can change the route we will take to reach the desired outcome.

    This can be the most complicated decision, depending on the outcome. We may realize we don’t have the training required to get the job we’d like, hence it being offered to someone else.

    We still want the job, so it may be time to look into continuing education or an unpaid internship to gain more experience. The outcome will remain the same, there’s just a bit of recalculating required to get there.

    We can change the desired outcome altogether.

    This is not about experiencing defeat or throwing in the towel. Rather, sometimes this type of deeper exploration will help us to further refine what our desires are.

    For example, I have a friend who wanted to go back to school for a degree in childhood education. After applying to several programs and being turned down, despite a great application and transcripts, her disappointment was pretty evident.

    I suggested these steps to her, and through personal question-asking she came to realize she didn’t want to go back to school at all. The key was that she wanted to work with children, so she decided to change the focus of her current profession, physical therapy, so that she specialized in working with kids.

    3. Install some new expectations.

    While the second step may have seemed like the last, don’t skip this third one!

    Regardless of which of the three types of decision we make, we want to make sure we toss out the old expectations and replace them with new, updated, and perhaps more informed (or more realistic) versions.

    If we have never jogged for exercise but want to start, setting a goal to run a 5k in six months time is more prudent then planning on a marathon. Making dinner for a friend when we are first learning to cook is more sensible then attempting a five-course dinner for 12.

    Keeping our incremental goals levelheaded while we dream big is a great way to reach those dreams.

    It’s common for successful people to describe their journey as a long series of minor and major obstacles, infused with a few glorious moments of achievement. Their ability to withstand disappointment, reassess their route, and continue on their road is an incredibly important part of their success.

    What disappointments have you overcome in your life and how did you grow from them?

    Photo by Shayan USA

  • 5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Meet Your Goals

    5 Steps to Overcome Fear and Meet Your Goals

    Standing on a Bridge

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” ~Nelson Mandela

    The world can be a scary place.

    As we go through our daily lives, we face many challenges, and often these challenges can bring about fear. We may fear the loss of something, or perhaps the lack of fulfillment. We may experience fear when going on a job interview or a first date.

    The greatest challenge with fear is that it can hold us back from achieving our goals, but it doesn’t have to.

    Over the past six months I have let one fear hold me back from achieving the one thing I feel I wholly deserve. I’ve had a fear of not meeting my soul mate.

    After being single for nearly six years, I felt a sense of loneliness and a desire to build a relationship with someone.

    I turned to online dating last fall, a method I tried for over eight months. I was able to meet many people and enjoyed dinners and walks with potential mates, but nothing ever developed past two dates with the same individual.

    After many dates that didn’t lead to anything long term, I felt deeper fear, sadness, and a loss of hope.

    I came to realize that my desire to meet the person I would potentially spend my life with had manifested into a fear that drove away any hope of building something real and lasting.

    Dating began to feel like a chore, and it became unenjoyable. For love to happen, I had to overcome my fear and enjoy the time I spent meeting new people.

    I believe in the power of intention. But in setting forth an agenda, we must learn to let go and have faith. Things may not happen when we want them to, but often a delay is the result of greater things at work.

    Wayne W. Dyer wrote in The Power of Intention, “if we focus on what’s ugly, we attract more ugliness into our thoughts, and then into our emotions, and ultimately into our lives.”

    Intention is related to fear because if we can trust our own intentions and allow our minds to focus on the potential positive outcomes, we will face less fear in most situations.

    It’s easy to let fear play a part in our daily lives. I’ve had many opportunities to face my fears lately, but I knew little about overcoming them. Alas, I learned several key facts that have broken down my fears and allowed me to focus on achieving my goals.

    These five techniques will help you overcome fear in your daily life:

    1. Start small.

    Fear comes in many shapes and sizes. Facing it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture.

    My fear of living life alone created immense challenges. “I’m going to grow old alone,” I once said. Deep down, I knew this wasn’t true, but my mind had saturated into a restricting fear around the worst-case scenario.

    I broke down my anxiety into smaller, more manageable pieces. Instead of wondering how I could meet my soul mate, I thought about how I could make new friends instead. By focusing on meeting new people, I have increased my odds of reaching my goal without the anxiety and pressure of finding “the one.”

    Instead of focusing on the end result, I can now focus on more manageable goals.

    No matter how large or small your fears may seem, scaling down to a more manageable size will be beneficial. Slowly step out of your comfort zone and begin moving towards your goal.

    2. Have faith.

    While achieving your goal may not happen on your preferred timetable, it is important to have faith that time will bring success. Trusting that achievement is not only possible, but probable will help soften your fears.

    Think back to an event in your life that may have seemed bad at the time but allowed for certain circumstances to occur that brought about a greater and more wonderful event. That’s proof that the world is not against us but is indeed working with us.

    3. Write it down.

    Making a list of your fears is a great way to work through them.

    Writing in a journal has been very helpful for me to overcome my fear of not meeting my soul mate. I have written about particular dates I went on and how the meetings made me feel.

    I’ve found it useful to write down a fear and then describe on paper why I feel I have it. This task has been essential in helping me chart my progress and list what I have learned in the past.

    Writing has allowed me to accept that things are evolving, even if they don’t seem that way—which brings me to the next important technique for overcoming fear: acceptance.

    4. Accept what develops (or doesn’t).

    When I was using an online dating service, every first date felt like a blind date. Profiles only went so far in explaining other individuals’ personalities. I had to accept the fact that the first date might not lead to a second and that he might not be “the one.”

    I had to accept that I couldn’t force a relationship, nor could I force the timing of true love.

    The Dalai Lama said, “If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.”

    5. Let go.

    Letting go can be one of the greatest challenges to overcoming fear. At times, we hold on to something because we feel it empowers us; however, holding on only weakens us.

    Once we have accepted what may or may not develop, we need to detach ourselves from the outcome. Letting go of our fears allows us to focus more on the present moment and less on the fear itself.

    —

    After following these techniques, I no longer have a fear of spending my life alone, because I know and trust that there are great things ahead. Now I can enjoy meeting new people and going on dates without fear.

    Photo by Geraint Rowland

  • 5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be

    5 Questions To Ask Yourself If You’re Not Where You Thought You’d Be

    Thinking

    “Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” ~Rumi

    When I left high school, I had no idea about what I wanted to be when I “grew up.” I still had no idea when I left university. There wasn’t anything in me that really burned to be a doctor, a translator, a lawyer, or an artist, for example.

    I was a bit of an all-arounder and wasn’t really 100% focused in any one direction. I always thought this was the curse of completing an arts degree (namely French), where in many cases you can go in any direction you choose, but what if you have no idea?

    I think what I was always quite sure of is the feeling this unknown career would instill in me.

    I remember speaking to a career counsellor and saying something about wanting to be a powerful woman who wears suits, has some kind of semi-important title, and spends a lot of their time getting the train between Paris and London for business meetings.

    As soon as I said it, though, I felt hollow and instinctively knew that that wasn’t me. This is what all my friends were signing up for, and I was torn.

    Do I follow what I’m expected to do and go for the lifestyle, or do I dive back into the crumbling well of not knowing what I’m doing with my life?

    After a lot of soul searching, I decided to move into high school teaching. I could still be involved in all things French, have some kind of semi-prestigious role, and make a difference. (The suit was optional, though).

    That “business woman” feeling I’d wanted translated quite well into teaching. I felt wanted, important, needed, useful, and creative, like a fountain of knowledge creating an impact where it mattered. But something was still missing.

    After feeling empty, fed up, and like I was sacrificing my well-being at the expense of my career/search for a particular feeling, I knew I still wasn’t in the right place.

    I then went through a few years of relentlessly comparing myself to others and where they got to in life. My friends at university seemed to be settling into jobs that were made for them. They were making good money and climbing the ladder.

    Why couldn’t I do this? Why didn’t I want to do this? It wasn’t supposed to be like this. What the hell was wrong with me?

    The last few years after moving from the UK to Australia have marked something of a transition for me. I feel that there was a reason I was meant to move to the other side of the world: I came here to follow my own path.

    I was meant to come to Australia to stop comparing myself to my university friends, to stop feeling that I’d let me parents down, and to be really secure in myself and not myself in the eyes of others.

    Away from this, I became incredibly interested in holistic health and nutrition, spirituality, healing, and meditation—a far cry from the powered up business woman ideal I was originally aiming for.

    I am in no way where I thought I’d be when I school.

    I’m pretty sure that if I told people what I was doing now (writing and training to be a healer), they’d be quite surprised. Trust me—no one is more surprised than me. But I absolutely love what I’m doing and I’m so passionate about it. I’m incredibly grateful that I’ve found my “thing.”

    If you’re nodding your head furiously at anything I’ve written and feel like you’re not where you thought you would be, I invite you to think about the following questions.

    1. Is it really as bad as it appears to be?

    Okay, you might not have the salary, but is your job progressing the way you want it to? Do you have steady income? Do you like your colleagues?

    If you really drill down into “dream” jobs, there’s always something people don’t particularly like doing, but generally it’s okay. They don’t call them “jobs” for nothing!

    2. Are you putting unnecessary pressure on yourself?

    Whether you’re recovering from an illness or setting up your own business, it can be terrifying and can often feel like you’re never going to get there. Remember to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.

    Take time to step back and look at what you’ve achieved so far. If something’s worth doing, it’s worth taking time over and really pacing yourself. A bit of patience and a sprinkle of hope, and you’ll get there.

    3. Whose expectations are you fighting with—yours or someone else’s?

    I suddenly realized, after years of comparing myself to other people, that I was doing myself a huge injustice by making myself feel inferior to others.

    As much as I wanted to blame society, the government, or my parents for not being where I wanted to be in life, I realized the expectations I’d placed on myself were incredible.

    Even if I were as perfect as I’d envisioned, I still wouldn’t be happy. The same goes for expectations laid down on you by other people—they’ll never be happy with where you are either.

    That’s when I realized I had to let it all go. These herculean expectations were energy zapping and weighing me down, so I released them.

    4. What can you learn from the situation?

    Everything happens for a reason. Are you underselling yourself at work? Are you spending time on things that really light you up?

    The big lesson for me was learning to be myself and be okay with that. I learned that my talents and skills are unique and that at the end of the day, people want and remember you for you, not for your job.

    5. Is there anything you could do today to move you closer to your ideal life?

    Once I thought about all the time I’d wasted wishing I was higher up the ladder, more glamorous, or more athletic, I wanted to do something right away that would make me feel like I was moving the right direction for me.

    If you’re constantly berating yourself for your fitness, go to the gym. Want to eat healthier food? Cook healthier food. It’s simple. Often, we sabotage ourselves as an avoidance tactic. Nobody can do it for you but you.

    There’s no time like the present. Your dream and goals are just waiting for you to run toward them with open arms. All you have to do is say yes.

    Photo by mrhayata

  • 4 Lessons on How to Find the Right Direction in Life

    4 Lessons on How to Find the Right Direction in Life

     

    “Life’s blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed by the fire of enthusiasm.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

    “Something just doesn’t feel right,” I thought to myself as I walked into my house after a long commute from work, being greeted by my exhausted spouse, who was trying to manage the kids after putting in a long day at her own job.

    Work hard, save money, buy a house, and live happily ever after. The formula I grew up with didn’t seem all that great anymore. Was it broken? I mean, I worked at a good job but felt as though I was meant to do more.

    My stress and anxiety were heightened by the increasing uncertainty in my career, the unpredictability of events, and the complicated, fast nature of life, especially over the last few years.

    I became stuck, frozen, and paralyzed by the chaos of life and work I felt all around me.  

    With no reasonable approach apparent I stood still. Examining my life, overthinking all the various life paths in front of me, presented a scary picture. Each path looked worse than the other, inhibiting any possible action I might take.

    As I was spinning down this spiral of anxiety, my life stagnated and I just felt hopeless.

    Then one day, I took an unexpected trip that changed my life and led me down an unpredictable path, where I learned, adapted, and grew to understand myself better. It also led me toward a life purpose that was neither grand nor perfect, but it seemed to fit. It just made sense, and I discovered it by chance.

    Or was it by chance?

    Breathing fresh air into a stagnant soul, I felt alive again, traveling on a road despite the uncertainty existing around me.

    Over the last few years, through my journey of trying to figure out which path to follow, I learned a lot about those factors that led me to ultimately discover what I think I’m meant to do.

    As a result, I am currently in the middle of a major life change, going from a twenty-year corporate career to being an author, speaker, and career counselor. While I am not sure how the next few years will go, I am at last open to new possibilities.

    Here are four lessons I learned on how to find the right direction in life:

    1. Stop overthinking.

    So much of our stress and anxiety about the future stems from all the analysis and thinking we do as adults. We ask ourselves all sorts of questions. I recall countless nights lying awake, entertaining ideas, and wrestling with my soul. I tried so hard to figure out where I would end up that I often felt defeated before I even began.

    But all the overanalysis got me nowhere; it just burned more time.

    The reality is that no matter how smart we may be, we cannot predict the future. Things are moving so fast and we’re so interconnected that it is impossible to predict where you’ll end up five years from now.

    You just don’t know. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing, because you will not be basing your choice of direction on a forecast that’s likely to be wrong.

    You’ll be making your choice on what’s really important to you, right here and right now, not tomorrow.

    By recognizing and ultimately accepting the unpredictable nature of life, we can stop overthinking and overanalyzing, and start living more in the present moment. This helps to open the mind up to the possibilities of today.

    2. Try anything. Do something.

    When you take action and start doing things, you begin to feel better almost immediately. Instead of thinking about some far-off place in your head, full of uncertainty, you will be working on something that is really certain: your actions.

    So many times, I got caught up in the chaos of life and was consumed by it, until I realized that, while I cannot control what will happen tomorrow, I can control the actions I take every single day.

    That’s the real beauty of life—knowing that you have absolute control over each of your thoughts, words, and actions.

    And by trying, moving, asking, engaging, experimenting, and walking forward, you are one step further than where you were yesterday. And you just never know where that one step will lead you.

    3. Follow your inner voice.

    I used to feel that if only I knew more, I would be able to make a better decision about the direction I wanted to take in life. But as I dug deeper trying to get more information, the hole got so deep that I found myself buried.

    Confused and overwhelmed by so much information, some of it conflicting, I just didn’t know what or whom to believe.

    Then, I just let go. I let go of all evidence and started following my gut.

    I took chances; I took small steps walking forward in the dark. I stumbled, fell, but got back up and went in a different direction. Then again, and again, and again. As they say, the first step was the hardest, but I eventually found my way, not because some data point on a career chart showed me which way to go, but because I started to trust my inner voice.

    Sure, it was often wrong, but it got better eventually because I was out there doing and learning—not sitting and waiting.

    4. Believe in yourself.

    When I first started exploring new opportunities to find the right direction in my life, I found myself overwhelmed by the competition. There were so many others just like me trying to do what I was doing.

    Turning to my friends didn’t offer any respite, because, instead of encouraging me to try new avenues, some of them brought me back to where I began. “Why don’t you be more pragmatic?”

    With such seeds of self-doubt sown within me, it took me some time to recover my momentum. It was in the positive voices of so many others, in blogs such as this, in videos, and in social media, that I found encouragement to keep at it. It felt like these voices were talking about me.

    And in that positive lens, I found the light inside of me to bring forward the resiliency that until then had lain dormant.

    No longer suppressed by someone else’s ideas of the way things “ought to be,” I continued on my newly discovered path. The more I focused on my own voice and the voices of encouraging friends, the more I grew to believe in myself.

    Although for some, finding the right direction might require the journey of a lifetime, I do believe there is one direction in which we are all meant to go: forward.

    By taking small steps each and every day, putting aside overthinking, and realizing that you have everything you need deep within, you can find the right direction in your life. And while it may not be the direction you expected, it will work out just fine.

    Photo by katiaromanova

  • Are Your Expectations Setting You Up for Disappointment?

    Are Your Expectations Setting You Up for Disappointment?

    “Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” ~Alan Watts

    For a long time, I felt like I was standing on a riverbank just watching the water of life go by, too scared to jump in and play. I was waiting for the perfect current to come along that I could ride all the way to the completion of my intensely detailed life goals.

    I didn’t want to move until I felt like success was guaranteed and I was certain it was the “right” thing. Life was flowing, and I wasn’t doing anything. You can never be certain about the future.

    Around this time, I graduated engineering school, and instead of feeling excited and free, I felt like a large weight was dropped on my shoulders. I had a lot of expectations to meet, all of which were self-imposed.

    After all, I had an engineering degree. By the world’s standards, I was bound to be successful, get a great job, and make money.

    The thing is, I couldn’t shake the feeling that the path of engineering in the traditional sense was not right for me. I also couldn’t seem to function with the weight of these expectations. I got depressed, frustrated, and disappointed with myself for not pursuing engineering right way.

    I expected myself to be successful, which eventually escalated into expectations of perfection in all the areas of my life.

    One day, I was on a walk with my dad and he said to me, “Amanda, you just have to jump in the river and swim! You might wash up on the shore of the riverbank a little ways down, but at least you’re moving. Plus, you never know who or what will be there on the shore waiting for you. Just jump in and stop trying to set expectations for the future. Jump in and ride whatever current looks good now.”

    That’s exactly what I did. Instead of focusing on what to do, where to go, and how I was going to accomplish everything I thought I wanted in life, I focused on releasing the expectations I had about it all.

    I focused on what I wanted to and could do now. I finally jumped in. 

    The following are some tips and lessons I learned while making the transition from expectation overload to the lightness of exploration.  (more…)

  • 10 Steps to Create Lasting Change in Your Life

    10 Steps to Create Lasting Change in Your Life

    Free

    “Our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world as being able to remake ourselves.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

    From time to time I read my old journals. When the moment strikes me, I choose a journal at random from my bookshelf.

    This time it was the beautiful green and gold one my mom had given me in what must have been September of 2010, because the writing chronicles my life from September 20, 2010 to January 1, 2011.

    Basically, it is my perceptive exactly two years ago.

    I had just started my second year of grad school and I was a month into my internship at an outpatient drug and alcohol rehab facility.

    I loved what I was doing and I was really good at it. With conviction, I had found my passion.

    During these documented months of my life, I was also:

    • Catching myself being “in my head” and too hard on myself
    • Feeling angry with my parents after identifying the residual effects of the parenting I received, and then forgiving my mom for not understanding how to foster my spirit
    • Exploring my birth chart, seeing a psychic (or two), and using meditation and Dan Millman’s ideas to find my life purpose
    • “Practicing” with men and dissecting the happenings of all my past romantic relationships
    • Recognizing self-sabotage and self-deprecating tendencies and making an effort to change my self-talk (what I say and how I converse with myself when alone)
    • Beginning to understand that my thoughts affect my behavior, which impacts the circumstances of my life
    • Learning how to love myself, faults and all, and how to be my own partner so I know how I want a man to treat me
    • Practicing presence—trying to stay in the moment
    • Asking myself the hard-to-answer questions that I had previously been skilled at avoiding. Example: Why is my heart closed-off?
    • Investigating vulnerability, yet still feeling unable to attempt it in any real way
    • Trying to set personal goals
    • Starting to have close, meaningful relationships with intelligent, curious, and motivated women for the first time in my life
    • Acknowledging guilt I felt about making my life what I want it to be
    • Struggling with verbal communication and assertiveness—what I needed to say to people in my life
    • Starting to see what love really means—the action, the verb, instead of a noun             (more…)
  • Letting Go of Stress Around Your Goals: 4 Tips to Help You Relax

    Letting Go of Stress Around Your Goals: 4 Tips to Help You Relax

    “Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising consequence of letting go.” ~James Arthur Ray

    I have always been a bit of a control freak, and if I’m not mindful, it can suck the joy out of my work and my passion.

    I like tasks done a certain way, which means I don’t always do well when it comes to delegating to others and can end up overextending myself.

    I want things to be done on my timeline, which means I may feel a need to micromanage tasks I have delegated to decrease the potential for delay.

    And I sometimes feel a need to know where things are going, which means I often need to remind myself to stay open to new possibilities.

    In short, I like to feel that everything is going according to plan—my plan—so that I leave very little to chance.

    Chance can be a scary place. It’s the realm where things could go wrong because you didn’t steer, compel, or manipulate them to ensure that they went right.

    It’s the place where anything could happen because you weren’t clear or pushy enough to make things happen as you visualized them.

    It’s a space where things are unpredictable, random even, where you don’t feel you have a say or a choice.

    These are things I’ve thought before.

    If you have a controlling instinct like I do, it can be difficult to ascertain when you’re being too heavy-handed, causing yourself stress in the process, and when you’re simply being proactive and taking responsibility for your life.

    It’s a thin line between empowering yourself and taking your power away.

    On one side, you know you’ve done your best but accept that other factors contribute to your outcome; on the other side, you cause yourself immense anxiety trying to foresee and eliminate those factors.

    It can feel terrifying to simply let things happen, particularly when the stakes are high—when you care about something so deeply that it feels like a piece of you.

    But ironically, trying to control things can actually limit their potential.

    Imagine you stood in front of a flower all day, trying all kinds of fertilizer to push it to grow faster. In addition to trying too many things, minimizing the effectiveness of any one, you’d essentially rob it of sunlight while casting your overbearing shadow.

    The fear that it might not grow would all but ensure that outcome.  (more…)

  • I Don’t Have to Be Perfect: It’s the Leap That Counts

    I Don’t Have to Be Perfect: It’s the Leap That Counts

    “A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.” ~Proverb

    I’m a “recovering perfectionist.”

    I make perfect plans. At times, when I’m really working on my plans, I forget to live my actual life. Because I’m planning. Perfectly.

    I had my first strategic plan when I was ten.

    “Be a really, really good girl. Then, when you are sixteen, borrow the car and say that you are going to Drug Fair to buy hairspray. Instead, drive the fifteen minutes to your daddy’s house so that he’ll want you back.”

    A year later I had to revise my first strategic plan. My alcoholic father died.

    Here was the second plan:

    “Now you’re all alone.” (Which wasn’t true, by the way. It just felt that way. Anyway, back to the plan.) “Now you’re all alone. Be perfect.”

    In the first plan, I just had to be “good” to be rescued. In the second one, there was no rescue.

    I needed to be perfect.

    (Perfectionism Myth #1 Perfection will keep you safe.)

    That plan ‘worked’ for a while. I had started playing the flute the year my father died. My great grandmother told me not to cry and upset my mother. That was okay. Perfect people don’t cry.

    (Perfectionism Myth #2:  Perfection is a way to manage hard feelings.)

    Perfect people practice. (more…)

  • Fuel Your Dreams with Simple Daily Habits

    Fuel Your Dreams with Simple Daily Habits

    “A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.” ~Proverb

    My name is Katie and I am an over-planner. I spend way too much time laying out meticulous plans as if they were exquisite bejeweled gowns. I spread them across beautiful handmade notebooks, trim them with pink and green headings and sub-headings, and step back to admire them when I’m done.

    They are tomorrow’s plans. Each one more stylish, more elaborate, more organized than the last. Each one the perfect plan. But in reality, not one of them is. Once the latest plan has been printed or pasted or posted, I grow weary of it and want another.

    I’m addicted to perfecting my plans, but not actually executing them.

    This repetitive crafting of the next best laid plan has me caught in a time warp where I’m forever looking ahead, forever color-coding the future, forever laying out a decorative path that I don’t have time to explore because I’m too busy planning and perfecting.

    My perfect plans are nothing more than plastic-sealed sofas no one ever touches or perfectly manicured rose gardens no one ever smells.

    They are an illusion, they are excuses, they are busy-makers, they are attempts to control the chaos, and they only succeed in helping me avoid the real work of digging and pushing and acting and living today, not tomorrow.

    Maybe your plans feel this way too. Do you find yourself planning and organizing and researching and preparing, but never really getting down to mastering anything except planning?

    You could be like me—a bit of a perfectionist, a slight over-achiever, a touch bossy, a tad of a control freak, but I bet you are a whole lot more than that. You’re also likely a soulful human being with dreams and goals and a desire to live purposefully and joyfully.

    If so, here’s a new plan of attack that just might get you out of your perfect planning rut. Choose a simple, heartfelt habit and do it every day. Don’t worry about being perfect or doing everything all at once, just repeat this habit each and every day.

    Today, I will walk the dog, grab a coffee, then come home and write a few pages of my novel. Now there’s a good plan—a plan that I can do today and maybe even repeat tomorrow.

    Maybe I’ll end up getting in shape, feeling good about life, and finishing that book I’ve been writing. (more…)

  • How Planning Less Can Set You Free

    How Planning Less Can Set You Free

    Feeling Free

    “Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

    Normally my girlfriend and I have a routine for Saturday mornings:

    She goes to yoga at eleven AM and then heads into Central London to do a small amount of shopping, and perhaps visit a museum. I might get up, do some writing in the morning, tidy the flat, and then take a dance class at 1PM. These are routines we enjoy, or at least enjoy most of the time.

    Last Saturday we spontaneously decided to do none of that.

    Instead, we went for a walk along a local canal towards central London. It was a mild, hazy morning, with calm water, seagulls, ducks, joggers, quiet, and sun.

    We left the canal and visited some inner city churches and their second hand markets, offering cheap coffee and large, silent spaces.

    We finished by visiting two different specialty coffee shops. At the end we sat in the second and best, with sun streaming in through the windows, feeling calm and content.

    As opposed to our normal Saturdays, there was a natural flow to the morning—perhaps better described as an evolution.

    Every decision was spontaneous. Every decision felt natural. Every moment was savored.

    I could have spent an hour planning our “intimate time” down to the last degree—but would it have contained the joy and peace that naturally flowed that day?

    This is increasingly how I am practicing living my life: with a minimum of routines and plans, allowing the present moment to dictate the future.

    I try to stay in touch with the process of becoming. In doing this:

    I don’t want to knock routines completely. They can bring richness, happiness, and comfort. For example, I cherish my early morning coffee grinding. (more…)

  • The Future Is Completely Open

    The Future Is Completely Open

    “The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” ~Pema Chodron

    This quote reminds me of the song “Into the Great Wide Open” by Tom Petty. I play that song in my yoga class a lot these days. I love the freedom in it, the expansiveness, the hope.

    My future is completely open and I am writing it moment by moment.

    Phew! This feels good!

    For a long time, I thought my future was pre-ordained.

    My dad died at 38 when I was 8. What was I supposed to think besides this is when we die: at age 38.

    Today is my birthday. Today I turn 37.

    I was never able to visualize my future.

    People would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up and I couldn’t answer. Nothingness on my end. Blank stares. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a morbid kid; I just saw a black cloud or fuzz or nothing when people asked me questions regarding any moment beyond the present. And yet, I was not present. It was a conundrum to say the least.

    But you are such a great writer, Jen. You should be a writer when you grow up, Jen.

    Nothing. Couldn’t imagine it.

    Stop talking to me about my future. I already know what will happen and it doesn’t involve me writing.

    I didn’t know what exactly happened when you turned 38 except: you didn’t exist anymore, so how in the heck was I going to be a writer?

    I got a little older and a little wiser, and yet still, I couldn’t plan for anything. People would ask me what I was doing for the summer and I would have a panic attack.

    I had a very hard time being able to imagine myself beyond the chair I was sitting in.

    It was like I had a crippling fear of planning a future, any future at all, because I knew what was in store for me. I didn’t know when my time would come, but I knew it was in my genes.

    I realized that I had a deep core belief that happiness was taken away from you.

    Or let me rephrase: from me.

    So why would I want to plan anything when it would be taken away from me? When my future was already written? My dad died at 38 from a stroke and I sat by on the sofa waiting for him to come. Instead they brought a box of Dunkin’ Donuts. (more…)

  • Tiny Wisdom: On Perfect Plans

    Tiny Wisdom: On Perfect Plans

    Green Buddha

    “A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.” -Proverb

    Tomorrow always seems like a safe bet for action. Then you’ll be ready to get started, or get serious, or get over it, or get on with it. Tomorrow you’ll finally set your plan in motion instead of shaping it into something just right. You’ll take the offer, the plunge, or the road less taken tomorrow, when you feel sure.

    Tomorrow can become a moving target while todays pile up and expire.

    Sometimes we need to be patient, but oftentimes we use it as an excuse to wait for something that will likely never come. Today is our chance to act. We might not always know precisely what to do, but we can trust that we’ll figure out as we go if only we get started.

    Of course that comes down to whether or not we’re willing to trust in our abilities. What do you need to start today, and if you don’t trust in yourself, what can you do to change that?

    Green Buddha image via Shutterstock