Tiny Buddha

Tag: perfection

  • The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    The Power of Starting Small and Not Needing to Be the Best

    Start Now

    “Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.” ~Robert H Schuller

    I have tried for so long to build a meditation habit. Seriously, it’s been one of my biggest goals for more than a decade.

    And I’ve tried really hard. I’ve read books, I’ve taken classes, I’ve made accountability charts, I’ve set SMART goals; I’ve done it all.

    Sometimes, I’ll fall into a good rhythm, and I might make it onto my mat three or four days in a row. Then sometimes, three whole months will go by without me managing to do it at all.

    So what gives? Why can’t I make it happen? What am I doing wrong, after ten years of trying?

    I decided to dig deeper into what was happening inside my poor little monkey mind that might be hindering my progress.

    It took me by surprise when I realized that no matter what my practice has actually looked like over the years, whether I’d been totally diligent or utterly neglectful, there had been one constant the entire time: I’ve always felt like I needed to be the best at meditation.

    Yep, that’s the phrase that actually popped into my mind, word for word, when I tried to unpack what was going on: the best at meditation.

    I know what you’re thinking: What does that even mean? How can you be “the best” at something like meditation?

    And let me tell you, I know how dumb it sounds. Meditation, by its very nature, is about not having attachment to such things as results or outcomes. I mean, it’s about being in the moment, not about getting an A+ rating or a bunch of gold-stars.

    And yet I felt like I needed to be awesome at it. To be better than others. To bypass beginner status and immediately step into the category of “expert.”

    I kept getting this image in my head: me, perched perfectly still in lotus position, the dawn sunshine on my face, wind blowing gently in my beautifully beachy hair, my outfit crisp and white, and my face a perfect vision of peace and tranquility.

    (Never mind that I am not a morning person, that the lotus position gives me pins and needles, that my hair is more bushy than beachy, and that I don’t even own any crisp white clothes.)

    When I dug deeper, I realized there was a follow-on thought from my attachment to this vision and my need for achievement: If I couldn’t be awesome at meditation, if I couldn’t achieve perfection… there was no point.

    That was my unconscious thought pattern.

    Which was why I always aimed for ridiculously long sessions; if I didn’t have a full thirty minutes to devote to it, what was the point?

    It was why I was so disappointed if my mind wandered; if I didn’t give an A+ performance, what was the point?

    It is why I’d feel like a failure if I didn’t do it first thing in the morning (even though my late-night work sessions made that completely impractical); if I hadn’t done a dawn session, what was the point?

    And it was why I would get so down on myself if I missed a single day; if I couldn’t keep a perfect score card, what on earth was the point?

    All in all, it’s no wonder I haven’t been able to make this habit stick. At every step of the journey, I’ve been psyching myself out of making any progress by expecting supreme, utter perfection.

    In the past, this type of thinking has reared its head in other areas of my life too: if I can’t go to the gym for at least a full hour, there’s no point, right?

    If I can’t eat 100% healthy for the rest of the week, I may as well write the next few days off, yeah?

    And if I can’t fit in a long, uninterrupted stretch of writing time, there’s no point pulling out my notebook at all, amiright?!

    Thankfully, over the years I’ve become aware of these perfectionist tendencies, and have developed a few mental strategies and ninja tricks to overcome them. (Don’t have time for a full gym session? Do half an hour of power yoga in the lounge room instead. Revolutionary, huh?)

    But it’s taken me oh-so-long to realize that I was also doing it in my meditation practice; that I was letting my pursuit of perfection hold me back from inner peace.

    Now that I know, I’m trying to let go of all expectations on myself when it comes to gettin’ my Zen on. In fact, my meditation sessions these days have been pared right back to the simplest, most achievable, most non-perfect thing I could think of.

    Want to know what that looks like? (Prepare yourself for the profoundness!)

    Two minutes of meditation, every one or two days.

    That’s it.

    And, if I haven’t managed to pull it off during the day, I do it in the shower at night, just before I go to bed (yep, standing there, suds and all, with not a lotus position in sight).

    It’s minimal, it’s manageable, and it’s achievable. It’s also effective for quieting my monkey mind and giving me the tiny pockets of peace and stillness I crave so much.

    I’m now on my fourth week of this new approach, and I’m happy to report that by releasing my expectations of perfection. In fact, by embracing the fact that I am going to mess up, and by giving myself some wiggle room and a short-cut to get around it, I’ve actually been more mindful in the past month than I’ve been for a really long time.

    And I’ve definitely ended up with more time spent on the mat through these little baby steps than when I was aiming for giant, dramatic leaps.

    It’s been an eye-opening lesson, and one that I’m very grateful for.

    So now I want to ask you, dear one, are you letting perfection hold you back from achieving something you really want?

    Could you cut yourself a break and aim for “okay” instead of “awesome”? It might sound counterintuitive in our culture of comparison and perfection, but the results might just take you by surprise.

    Start now image via Shutterstock

  • 10 Things to Stop Doing If You Want to Be Happy

    10 Things to Stop Doing If You Want to Be Happy

    “It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.” ~Dale Carnegie

    There was a time when I didn’t think I could ever be happy.

    I felt alone. I felt confused. And I felt overwhelmed.

    Luckily, that all began to change when I started looking inside. I discovered how I was the cause of my unhappiness.

    And I discovered what stood between me and enjoying life.

    Here are ten of the things I discovered:

    1. Neglecting yourself and your needs

    One of the biggest things was that I was ignoring what was right for me. I looked outside for the answers.

    I looked to friends and society to tell me how to live my life. It was too painful to discover what I needed, so I gave away my power and hoped that would solve everything.

    It didn’t.

    Eventually, I realized that no one really knows how to live a happy life. Some seem confident, but they don’t really know.

    Even the happiest of people go through dark times. When I began noticing what I felt drawn to do and what felt right for me, things began to change.

    It happened slowly. I wasn’t confident at first, but I began to listen to my inner GPS.

    2. Ignoring your inner GPS

    As I began listening to myself, I saw that I had an inner guidance system within me.

    I didn’t call it that then. It communicated with me through feeling. When something was right for me, I felt peace, joy, and curiosity inside.

    When something wasn’t right, it felt lifeless, dead.

    I began to see that trying to figure life out logically didn’t work, because my mind couldn’t foresee the future.

    The heart is what I would call my inner GPS. It nudges me through life, one moment at a time. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I’m on the right track when I listen to my heart.

    3. Resisting darkness

    Life contains both dark and light.

    It sounds counterintuitive, but when you embrace the darkness, you open the door to the light.

    I’ve gone through some dark, depressive periods in my life. I used to resist them, a lot. Today I do it less.

    I know that it is through these dark times that I learn the most. I dive inside. I breathe it all in, and I notice what it is that’s making me quiver with fear.

    I investigate my internal reality and stay in the present moment.

    This is hard to do when I’m feeling down. I want to run away to food, movies, games, books, and anything but the darkness.

    But when I dive in, I see that the darkness is nothing but a virtual reality created by me. I look at the fear of not having enough, and I see that what I’m afraid of is a thought I choose to entertain.

    4. Saying ”no” to the now

    The more I try to escape the present moment, the more miserable I am.

    When I stay right here, right now, even the most ordinary tasks become extraordinary. Washing the dishes feels alive.

    But if I try to exchange the now for a future paradise, I live in a present hell.

    Being in the now, for me, is simply about noticing what’s here, right now. As I write this, I hear my fingers tap-tap-tapping away on the keyboard.

    I notice the hum of the electronics on my desktop, and I feel my body on the chair.

    And above all, I feel my feelings fully. I’m feeling a bit anxious as I write this. And that’s okay. It’s normal to feel anxious.

    5. Being afraid of making mistakes

    If I am afraid of making mistakes, I assume that I have something to lose.

    I also assume that there is a perfect way of doing something.

    Yet, I cannot know any of this. I don’t know if making a mistake helps me grow (which it often does). And I don’t know if making a mistake is the perfect path for me.

    You see, we live in our heads. We manufacture a reality that we then believe is real when it’s not.

    A hundred years from now, my mistakes won’t matter. What will matter (for me) is how much I loved and how much I enjoyed life.

    I’m human. You’re human. We make mistakes. That’s okay, as long as we’re honest with ourselves.

    6. Aiming for perfection

    I try to be perfect because I think it’ll bring approval from others, from you.

    And that approval will make me feel loved and feel good about myself.

    Yet, the act of trying to be perfect means dismissing myself. It means not loving who I am right now. It means not doing what I can with what I have.

    I have an image of what perfect is, and it always seems to be out of my reach.

    I’m striving to feel better, but the only thing I manage to do is to feel worse in this moment. When I notice the scam of perfection, I return to the present moment.

    I breathe. I do my best. And I follow my heart.

    This applies for staying in the present moment as well. I’m not in the now all the time. I try to accept whatever comes.

    7. Chasing happiness

    I often fall into the habit of chasing happiness.

    But to me, it’s more like I’m avoiding my feelings. I feel bad, so I want to be happy. I create an image of a future where I’m happy, and I long for it.

    I want it now.

    I think to myself, ”If only I had that, I could be happy.”

    Yet, that thought is the one keeping me stuck. The wanting happiness snatches me out of the present moment.

    When I let go of wanting to be somewhere else, I notice what’s right here. Sometimes it isn’t what I want, but even what I think I want is another thought.

    Each thought that says I need something else is an opportunity for me to stay in the present moment.

    8. Trying to control life

    I don’t control life.

    I control my reactions and actions but not much else.

    When I try to manipulate life, people, and places, I end up exhausted. It’s not my domain. It’s not up to me to control outcomes.

    All I can do is follow my heart, my inner GPS, and see what happens. I am a passenger in this body, on this blue planet of ours.

    I am here to experience both the good and the bad. I am here to learn and to grow. To cry and to laugh.

    9. Putting off your dreams

    Dreams are scary.

    It took me two to three years to muster up the courage to write about the things I truly wanted to write about.

    I was afraid of what you would think, what you would do. I was afraid of failing, of succeeding, of everything.

    Eventually, I realized that I could give in to my assumptions or I could take the next step and see what would happen.

    Luckily, I took the next step. And you know what? Nothing bad happened.

    I wrote. I told people about my work. My audience grew. And years later, here I am. Here you are, reading my words.

    My dreams began with one step, and so will yours.

    Stop waiting for a grand opportunity and notice the doors that are open now. It might only mean starting a blog that has ten readers or writing in your journal. But start somewhere.

    And start before you feel ready.

    10. Trying to fix others

    I used to think it was my responsibility to fix others, even if it meant forcing them to see things my way, and it compromised my happiness and theirs.

    I now let people travel their own path.

    You have mistakes you need to make. You have experiences to collect. I am not going to stand in the way of that.

    If you come to me for help, I will help, but I will not force my truth on you.

    I cannot control life, and I cannot control you. When I see that life will take care of itself, I have no need to control you.

    This has been especially hard with my loved ones, but I’m learning. I’m improving every day.

    There is no fixing, because I do not know what perfection is. If we are here to experience life, then perfection is experience.

    There are no mistakes, no blunders, and no pitfalls.

    There is only this moment.

    —

    There are many things I’ve learned during my life, but one of the main things is that we tend to take our thoughts too seriously.

    We tend to take life too seriously.

    I think that if I make a mistake, my dreams are ruined. But when I see the assumptions behind that sentence, and when I see that my dreams are a figment of my imagination, I am liberated.

    I remember that all I have to do, all I can do, is follow my inner GPS.

    I can only do what excites me, and life will take care of the rest.

  • Why People Who Embrace Their Imperfections Go Far

    Why People Who Embrace Their Imperfections Go Far

    Man with raised arms

    “A beautiful thing is never perfect.” ~Proverb

    I was having a conversation with a group of friends that I meet up with occasionally, and my friend—let’s call her Sarah—started talking about perfectionism.

    She said that people used to describe her as a perfectionist and she’d wonder what they were talking about because, according to Sarah, she couldn’t do anything right.

    And then one day it dawned on her that her perfectionism was rooted within the idea that if she couldn’t do something perfectly, she wasn’t doing it right. So she had best not do it at all.

    I can relate to Sarah. I spent the majority of my childhood and many of my adult years running away from my gifts for complete and utter fear of failure.

    And the fear of failure seemed so physically debilitating that I would just quit doing stuff before even giving myself a chance to get really good at it.

    Generally, it was the stuff I loved that I would quit doing, too. Because I equated loving doing something with huge risk of failure, leading to me not being able to do that thing—that thing, so to speak, that I loved.

    And ultimately this would lead to self-doubt, embarrassment, and low self-esteem. The horror, right? I genuinely thought that the insecurity came from not being able to do things well.

    I never considered the possibility that insecurity was the culprit, leading me to make decisions not to do things that I couldn’t do perfectly. Which meant that at the end of it all, I didn’t really do anything of interest for many years.

    I started playing the piano when I was three years old. I’m classically trained and I wanted to be a concert pianist. My parents gave me lessons, bought me a beautiful baby grand piano, and encouraged me to keep playing.

    I played, and I played well for years. But then eventually when I was a teenager, I gave it up because I felt like there were so many other pianists my age who were so much better than I was.

    Of course this was all in my head—musical ability is entirely subjective, but it didn’t matter. It was enough to make me stop playing.

    I did the same with drawing, painting, writing, sewing, etc. I even started my own jewelry line in elementary school using macramé, beads, and inexpensive knick-knacks from the hardware store.

    My peers loved my jewelry and I actually sold my stuff at school. You know, for candy money and Choose Your Own Adventure books. I gave that up, too.

    I wasn’t good enough. An aspiring jewelry designer who, at eight years old, just was never going to make it in the fashion world. Oh, what a dark and dreary future. Sigh.

    And when I was done surrendering all of my talents in an effort to be, I don’t know, perfect, I found myself completely aimless and miserable. But I ran with it. After all, now that I had nothing that I needed to be perfect at, I couldn’t disappoint anyone, right?

    Such freedom in that! Except what I failed to recognize at the time was that I was disappointing the only person that mattered, and that was myself.

    About four years ago and some change, I decided to give up some bad habits. Some of these included drinking and partying. But most of what I was determined to give up was the “perfectionism.”

    And it’s funny because that’s not what I would have called it prior to that conversation with Sarah, but that’s precisely what I was giving up. So that I could go on with my bad, imperfect self.

    The moment I made the decision to give up the perfectionist mindset is the moment that I started to follow my dreams. I traveled to Bali, Indonesia, and started my own jewelry line—an island-inspired line that’s overflowing with meaning. It’s beautiful, and it’s me.

    I began writing about things that I feel passionately about, I picked drawing and sewing back up and I started playing the piano again. This time I’m learning how to play jazz and it’s so much fun.

    These are all things that nourish my soul. How absurd that I would deny myself these pleasures—these gifts of mine.

    I spent obscene amounts of time partying, took a very slapdash approach to college, worked dead end jobs that I had no genuine interest in, remained in bad relationships for way too long, and the list goes on and on.

    The idea that life could actually be fun while doing the things that I love, and not doing them perfectly, was just unfathomable. And yet here I am on this brand new pursuit of anti-perfectionism, thoroughly enjoying it.

    And on this journey, I’ve learned a few very critical things that have profoundly altered the way I approach my life.

    Try not to compare yourself to others. I wish someone had drilled this into my head when I was younger. Or maybe they did and I just wasn’t paying attention. Drilling averted.

    Still, it’s suicide for your dreams. Keep in mind that no two painters will ever paint the same, no two pianists will play Mendelssohn’s Songs without Words the same, and no two entrepreneurs will build the same business, no matter how similar.

    The finished product is always going to be perfectly imperfect and entirely unique. And beautiful.

    Even if you think you’ve failed at the things you’ve set out to accomplish, I challenge you to look at those “failures” from a different perspective. You’ve created something—something where there was nothing. Maybe that supposed “failed” something taught you how to do that thing a little differently the next time.

    Or maybe you just had to try that thing one time to know whether or not it was the thing for you. And maybe, just maybe, that thing that you think you failed at was a source of inspiration for somebody else.

    So, you see, there’s really no such thing as perfection, as it were. It’s simply about having new experiences that enhance our lives and make us feel good.

    Embrace your imperfections and you will go far. You’ll probably enjoy yourself a whole lot more in the process, too.

    Man with raised arms image via Shutterstock

  • Do You Think You Need to Be Perfect to Be Accepted?

    Do You Think You Need to Be Perfect to Be Accepted?

    Hiding Behind Hood

    “What you resist, persists.” ~C.G. Jung

    There it is: Perfection, Eureka!—the holy grail of achievement, like an elusive mirage in the middle of a desert or that pesky little pot of gold we are always hunting for at the end of the rainbow, purring with all of its possibilities, protection, and promise.

    Yet, despite its charm and the value we tend to assign to the trait, as well as on those who possess it, perfectionism ultimately leads to the same destination. In striving for perfection, we may soon find ourselves disappointed, dissatisfied, and even sometimes, knee-deep in suffering and denial, like I did.

    What does it really mean to be perfect? To do things perfectly? To be a perfectionist?

    For me, perfectionism is best described as a constant striving—the sense that you or the circumstances in your life are unacceptable as they are. This also goes far beyond a healthy desire for excellence or improvement.

    The chance to do more and to be more consumed me. And ultimately, the chance to become the living, breathing, endlessly disciplined and carefully retouched image of my actual self was just too tantalizing.

    It seemed to offer me the ability to control the circumstances as well as the people around me, shaping them all and living life according to my own terms and conditions.

    We are often taught that along with perfectionism, and its corresponding high level of accomplishment, comes an automatic sense of admiration, security, certainty, and predictability—all acting as some sort of insurance or safeguard against the painful, frustrating, and seemingly unavoidable irritations and nuances of our day-to-day lives. 

    What I realize now is this: I longed to be admired by all, yet truly seen and known by none. For me, perfectionism became a way to mask all those less-than perfect, too different or undesirable aspects of my self.

    Growing up, I felt fundamentally different from my peers, which at the time, translated to feeling inferior and never quite fitting or blending in. I had decided I stood out like a sore thumb.

    Being biracial and heavily influenced by my Peruvian culture growing up, I remember longing to fit in or to be more like those around me—to watch American television shows, to listen to American music and radio in the car, and to eat American food every night for dinner.

    At school, I desperately hoped to fit in and be accepted, but despite my best efforts, oftentimes, I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

    I did not understand then that what made me different actually gave me insight, depth, openness, compassion, and the ability to empathize with others.

    I longed to push my differences deep down, far enough that I could just about convince myself that they had actually vanished, and that I was victorious.

    Later on, my obsession with perfectionism and its illusion of control took up most of my time, consumed my mind, yet left me riddled with feelings of anxiety, depression, unworthiness, shame, guilt, and several increasingly unbalanced and unhealthy relationships in its wake.

    It was never enough. The harder I tried, the more I felt sure I was failing, and the pain inside grew stronger. I came to better hide my true self, feeling ashamed of the parts that did not measure up.

    I had already decided I was unworthy, because I was simply too bossy, too sensitive, too shy, too fearful, too quiet, too reactive, too emotional, too unfocused, too messy, too raw, and entirely too quirky. I was too imperfect as I was.

    In being so judgmental of myself, it is no wonder that this critical perspective began to spread and apply to everything and everyone around me.

    Once I am perfect, or closer to perfect, we find ourselves thinking, I will finally be that much closer to being able to truly and wholly accept and love myself. At last, I thought, I can be safe, decidedly removed from all judgment and ridicule—no longer vulnerable or ashamed.

    I was no longer forced to see and accept things as they were—the good and the bad, all braided together into one and, always already beyond the span of my control.

    The incessant worrying, people pleasing, and the constant search for external validation through the approval of others all culminated in the implosion of a four-year romantic relationship that I had been doing just about everything in my power and beyond to maintain—even at the expense of my overall well being.

    This was my misguided attempt to ensure everything appeared seamlessly and seemingly picture perfect for everyone around me.

    Nights spent crying and mornings where I could not bring myself to get out of bed, I knew I was drained and broken down. I could not keep pushing forward and denying myself, and I could no longer disguise or deny the chaos lurking only inches below the perfectly polished façade.

    I had been denying my true self, my needs, my wants, and my feelings to the point where they became unintelligible to me. In fact, I am still working to decode, understand, and listen to them.

    But I do know this much: What I was craving more than anything was to be seen and accepted for who I was—without all that extra effort and perfectionism piled on top.

    I wanted to belong, to be desired, and to be loved for who I am already. And I was looking for that stamp of approval outside of myself and from others.

    When I looked around me, all I could see were my unrealistically high expectations mirrored back at me. The seeds of expectation and subsequent suffering had now firmly taken root.

    With reality on one side and my demands and expectations on the other, I found myself bridging the chasm, clinging to both sides, exhausted, and using nearly every last bit of energy in my reserve to unsuccessfully close the gap between expectation and reality.

    The solution: complete and total acceptance of what is—of your present set of circumstances: self, feelings, wants, and needs, for better or for worse.

    Here is the key: you don’t have to be happy with or even have chosen your present set of circumstances in order to acknowledge them or to simply see them as they are in their unfiltered state.

    Not you, nor your circumstances, nor the people in your life need to be perfect (or even any different than they are at this exact moment) in order for you to accept them.

    You can accept uncertainty, and you can accept that sometimes, temporarily, you may not be feeling happy, and you might even be feeling pain inside. Allow it. Feel it. Listen to it.

    The reason this is possible is because everything changes—all circumstances and feelings are constantly rearranging, changing, and forever in flux. Nothing is truly permanent, fixed, or secure. And perfectionism does nothing to change that.

    To accept means to see and to acknowledge what is—with brutal and unflinching honesty. It means seeing without resistance and reserving the desire to control or to change what you see. No more hiding from or resisting reality.

    Fortunately, this is the foundation for genuine and enduring self-love, self-compassion, and being truly grounded and in touch with your true self. This in turn, becomes the most natural way of authentically being able share boundless and replenishing love and compassion with others.

    Hiding man image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Tips to Embrace Imperfections and Bounce Back from Mistakes

    3 Tips to Embrace Imperfections and Bounce Back from Mistakes

    Happy Woman

    “There is a kind of beauty in imperfection.” ~Conrad Hall

    Back when I was a teenager, I was kind of a perfectionist. Or, well, I wasn’t really a perfectionist—I was actually a “fake” perfectionist.

    Allow me to explain: I put on the perfectionist persona. I acted and behaved in a certain way so that everyone (including both my fellow classmates and teachers) thought and believed that I was the perfect student when I wasn’t.

    Everybody thought I was the student who got straight A’s, was a bookworm, was involved in every extracurricular activity that ever existed, never got in trouble in school for anything ever, and was an overall stellar student.

    Though some of those things were kind of true—I mean, I was involved in a lot of activities and I never did get a detention ever—I was very far from a stellar student.

    I didn’t get A’s in middle and high school; I mostly got C’s. I certainly wasn’t a bookworm; I hated reading all this fiction stuff I was told to write book reports on.

    The truth of it all was that I was really stellar at one thing: faking my own perfection. I had mastered the skill of being seen as the perfect, most stellar student in order to hide my own shortcomings.  

    I was trying to hide that I wasn’t so great at studying and getting good grades. I was trying to hide that I did, in fact, get in trouble every so often.

    I was trying to hide my own imperfections. I was terrified that the world would see that I had weaknesses and inner wounds. I feared that others would know that there were tasks that I was not good at or just flat-out could not do.

    To this day, the fear of others seeing my imperfections is still an issue to some extent. Like the fear of judgment that comes up whenever I make a typo in an article or whenever I give a presentation and accidentally mispronounce a word.

    My inner critic still likes to creep in and try to debilitate me from moving forward.

    Whether we are a child trying to avoid bad grades or an adult who is trying to write the perfect book, we are all struggling with accepting our own imperfections.

    We are all on the journey of hindering the voice of our inner critic and allowing our true selves (imperfections and all) to be seen.

    Here are three ways that can help you create a habit of accepting your own imperfections:

    1. Focus on utilizing your strengths, not your weaknesses.

    Many of us grew up societies where we were told we have to really focus on strengthening our weaknesses. If we weren’t great at math, then we got the idea that we needed to spend more of our time and energy strengthening our abilities in math.

    Though there are benefits to strengthening our weaknesses, it can really cause a blow to our self-esteem and motivation to focus on them. We can develop the idea that just because we are not good at this one thing, then we are a failure.

    So ask yourself: What things am I really good at? Is it music? Languages? Writing? Speaking? Physics? Identify what things come natural to you and make it a goal to really enhance your gifts so you can be the best that you can be.

    2. When you mess up, say to yourself, “I am beautiful!” Then write down all the ways that you are beautiful.

    Let’s get real here: Whether you are doing something that is your strength or your weakness, at some point or another you are going to mess up.

    The problem, however, is that when we do mess up, many of us shut down. We stop trying, and our inner critic starts telling us how we are not good enough.

    Next time you mess up when you’re doing something, say out loud, “I am beautiful!” Then get out a sheet of paper and write down ways that you are beautiful. What are the good things that you do for others? What are the amazingly beautiful qualities that you have?

    To enhance this even more, make it a habit to do this same thing when someone else messes up.  See someone trip over their words during a speech? Remind yourself that they are beautiful, and why. See someone make a typo? Remind yourself that they are beautiful, and then write down a quality that they possess that makes them so beautiful.

    We are all connected, so by sending other people love when they expose their own imperfections, we will give ourselves space to heal as well.

    3. When you mess up, just keep going.

    For many of us, the problem is that when we mess up, we just stop working. We get so caught up in the belief of “I am not good enough” that we stop ourselves from moving forward.

    I struggled with this constantly when I took my very first watercolor painting class two years ago while I was living in Korea. Over and over again I found myself making a small error, getting all worked up about it, shutting down, and basically just wanting my art teacher to do it for me.

    Over time I gradually learned to just let it go and keep going. I ultimately developed and strengthened my skills by setting the intention to keep going regardless of any errors I made along the way.

    So, whenever you do mess up, whether that be using the wrong brush for that one stroke, saying the wrong thing, losing something important, or tripping over your own two feet, just brush it off and keep on going.

    Breaking down, stopping, and worrying about it doesn’t allow us heal and transform. Accepting the mistake and continuing to act does!

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • Why Life Is A Lot More Fun When We Stop Trying to Be Perfect

    Why Life Is A Lot More Fun When We Stop Trying to Be Perfect

    Friends Having Fun

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    “Oh, my god,” she said, “I forgot to shave my left leg!”

    That may not sound like a particularly dramatic announcement, but Jenny and I were sharing a seat on the chartered bus taking our senior class to the beach for “Senior Cut Day” a few weeks before graduation, and her discovery horrified me.

    An unshaved leg, it seemed to me at the time, was scandalous in the extreme.

    Had it been me who forgot to shave, I would have kept my sweats on all day rather than display my embarrassing imperfection.

    Jenny, on the other hand, not only shared her faux pas with me, she then announced it loudly to the entire bus. She laughed about it, and invited everyone else to laugh, too!

    I was appalled.

    I was also fascinated. That someone could intentionally draw attention to her imperfection, and laugh about it, was mortifying, yes, but also intriguing…

    It was hot at the beach that day. My well-shaved legs were bare, but I had forgotten to pack a T-shirt, and because I was self-conscious that my belly wasn’t perfectly flat as a pancake, I kept my sweatshirt on over my bikini.

    Rivulets of sweat rolled down my torso, but heaven forbid I put my imperfection on display!

    Jenny, meanwhile, spent the day laughing, playing volleyball, splashing in the waves, quite unconcerned about her hairy left leg.

    Can you guess who had the better time?

    You might think that this experience would have taught me something, but in fact, before I finally began to let go of perfectionism and ease into becoming myself in all my flawed, imperfect glory, I spent decades flagellating myself for not being perfect.

    Somehow I believed that I couldn’t be lovable if I weren’t perfect, so I was caught in a vicious cycle: aiming for perfection, failing, then beating myself up for the failure and goading myself on toward perfection again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    Throughout my teens and twenties, in pursuit of the perfect body, I was plagued with eating disorders, kept carefully secret so as not to reveal my flaws to the world.

    In college, nothing less than an A was acceptable. The pure joy of learning took a back seat to striving for the perfect grade point average.

    Meanwhile, in relationships I hid my true self behind a mask, fearing that nobody would love me if they saw the real, flawed me.

    Amazingly, I did find a man I could be myself with, but when we decided to get married, I was the quintessential “Bridezilla,” completely focused on planning the perfect wedding.

    My obsessive pursuit of perfection helped me stay in denial about the fact that, although we loved each other, the relationship was built on a shaky foundation.

    During my marriage I discovered a love for making art, but the joy I experienced when creating was soon overtaken by misery, because nothing I made ever felt good enough. Eventually it seemed easier not to create at all. I became paralyzed by perfectionism.

    I could say that it was the very public “failure” of my divorce that started me on the road to accepting myself. Or that it was the college classes in Feminist theory, which helped me overcome my eating disorder and start to accept my body the way it was.

    In fact, I see self-acceptance as a long and winding journey, composed of thousands upon thousands of teeny, tiny baby steps, over the course of an entire lifetime.

    Baby steps like the revelation—thanks to Jenny on that high school bus ride—that it’s possible to laugh at yourself, and even draw attention to your flaws, and that this may be a more comfortable way to deal with them than trying to hide them all the time.

    Baby steps like the gradual dawning that instead of beating myself up, I could forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps, and that responding with self-compassion was a much more pleasant way to live.

    Baby steps like the epiphany that making ugly messes at my art table is infinitely more fun and satisfying than making nothing at all (and that often what I deem “ugly” at first, appears less so after some time has passed!)

    Gradually I untangled the false belief that only if I were perfect would I be worthy of love and happy.

    Letting go of the attempt to be perfect took a long time. At first it felt like a dishonorable surrender, like giving up and “letting myself go.” But when I thought about the people I loved most in my life, I realized that of course not one of them was perfect.

    I realized that the people I love being around the most are those who accept themselves as they are, who are comfortable in their own skin. Why should I expect anything different from myself?

    Little by little I began to deprogram myself. In fact, I intentionally embraced imperfectionism, and discovered, much to my surprise, that the more I allowed myself to just be me, the happier, more serene, and more content I became. And the more attracted other people were to me, too!

    There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement, but the truth is, none of us is—or can even hope to be—perfect. We may pursue mastery, excellence, improvement, and be challenged by the pursuit, but insisting on perfection can only lead to self-disgust and unhappiness.

    The only thing we can ever really hope to be perfect at is being our flawed and wonderful selves.

    If you’ve been stuck in a perfectionist spin cycle, what’s one thing you might do to press the pause button?

    Giving up on being perfect is hard. The work of becoming yourself is hard. The payoff, though, is truly amazing, and you’ll continue to reap the benefits for the rest of your life.

    Friends having fun image via Shutterstock

  • The Path to Freedom: Stop Controlling and Defining Yourself

    The Path to Freedom: Stop Controlling and Defining Yourself

    The Path to Freedom

    “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” ~Albert Einstein

    I had drawn a line so deep in the sand about who I was.

    I was certain I was on my way to becoming a better version of me.

    And then.

    Water rushed in, softening that line, revealing that I was part of something much bigger than I saw myself to be.

    Something much bigger than I could control myself into.

    So many children grow up with circumstances far out of their control. Awful circumstances, such as divorce, alcoholism, drugs, and abuse. My home was full of tremendous amounts of love, laughter, and care; yet, I too had my own share of less than ideal circumstances that I longed to make better.

    I never could.

    By the time I was a teenager, I had a fair share of obsessive tendencies, mostly revolving around keeping things perfectly neat and organized.

    Things got profoundly worse when a high school friend began to love me in a way I couldn’t return.

    This situation amped up my need to control greatly.

    I took the organizing, cleaning madness to a neurotic level. This, of no surprise, was also one of the ways how women in my family before me demonstrated how to gain control where we had none.

    Fast forwarding just a short bit, I was in love, married, and making the decision to have our first child.

    Love, adulthood, and motherhood gave me the ability and strength to began to dissolve some of these lingering controls.

    Nonetheless, motherhood also gave me new reasons to gain control.

    I now had a little being to care for, and my lioness self was driven to do it beautifully; perfectly.

    New control took hold.

    I started eating all the right foods, simplifying our life to the basics, and bubble wrapping ourselves in a safety net of health. 

    I began doing all the “right” things and looking down on anything not all natural.

    Fast forward again.

    I miscarried with my third pregnancy.

    This came as a ridiculous surprise, as I believed I was doing it all “right,” and took much pride in my first two conceptions, pregnancies, and births.

    After I went on to have a third child, I began to look around and realize how many labels I had given myself: stay-at-home attachment mother, homebirthing, homeschooling, breastfeeding, vegetarian, yogi, all natural, simple living.

    I began to look around my beautiful, crunchy, progressive town we were now calling home and taking a look at how many labels others had given themselves.

    How we were defining ourselves by what we did, not who we really were.

    These labels help(ed) to the extent that they give us an identity that informs our choices and invites our surroundings.

    Yet, I couldn’t help but notice that they also gave us limits and set us firmly in the center of a vortex, where we were in and others were out.

    With these realizations, I began to unravel and dissolve this need to control myself to perfection. I began to realize that I was being held hostage. By myself.

    I began to peel away the hardened layers that I had built and began to allow the light that lived beneath to come out, intuiting my way back to the sacredness and simpleness of who I am.

    I traded eating perfectly for eating good enough. I traded practicing yoga for enlightenment for practicing yoga for movement and connection with my body. (Lately I don’t practice yoga at all.)

    I quit the relentless worry that nearly everything had a horrible consequence, including chlorinated pools, birthday parties without organic homemade cakes, sugar, reusable diapers, and cell phones.

    I quit judging myself for falling short, and started understanding that joy, memories, and a damn good time fills you with something that the “right/healthy” choice can kill in you.

    Because, you see, when you decide to no longer be a person defined by all the conscious and mindful choices you make, you gain something remarkable.

    You gain access back to your intuition that can only get lost when you are always trying to lead the way.

    You gain access to the ability to stand with the shadow parts of yourself instead of running away from them.

    You gain access back to presence and the ability to be in the moment, in the joy of experiencing the moments in front of you, without worrying if you are somehow failing yourself.

    You gain an understanding that these things that you are labeled by are choices, not definitions.

    And you gain access to the freedom to live this life fully, undefined.

    Traveler walking image via Shutterstock

  • 6 Effective Practices for a Peaceful, Positive Mind

    6 Effective Practices for a Peaceful, Positive Mind

    Woman in Garden

    “To ensure good health: eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.” ~William Londen

    We often focus on nourishing our bodies, with fitness and nutritious food, and forget that to function at our optimal level and experience overall well-being, it is equally important to nourish our minds.

    Years ago I wasn’t doing either, and eventually I got stuck, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Physically, I had low energy; mentally, I was not growing; and emotionally, I was bored, resentful, and lost passion for life.

    Life became a monotonous routine. I got lost in playing “safe” and remained in my comfort zone, which started limiting my potential to live the life I wanted to experience.

    Things became stagnant and I knew something had to change to feel alive again, so I looked for ways to change my mindset, to help me move past my negative self-talk, and to find the courage to take action.

    Once I started choosing activities and thoughts that nourished my mind, it triggered me to turn up the love for myself.

    I started seeing my habits shift to eating better, incorporating more physical activities into my life, and being more open to take risks. I was able to live from a more peaceful, fearless, and creative space.

    What Is Nourishing Your Mind?

    Nourishing your mind is feeding it with positive, compassionate thoughts that support you in taking action to create the life you want.

    We often hear people say, you are what you see, you are what you eat, and you are what you think. Our life mirrors back the energy we put out.

    Why Is It Important?

    Your body and mind work as one.

    Nourishing your mind is a critical component of living a healthy, empowering lifestyle. It impacts your body systems, your behaviors, and how successful you are at creating the experiences you want in life, because everything stems from your mind.

    When you nourish your mind, the thoughts you create trigger chemical responses in your body that help increase your happiness, lower your stress, and allow your body to function in homeostasis.

    By checking in routinely to ensure your mind is aligned with your core values and what it is you want to feel and create in your life, you are able to choose your thoughts from a place of deliberation and clarity. This generates more peace, health, and happiness.

    Below you will find the practices I have continually applied to maintain a nourished mindset before the mental weeds start to grow out of control.

    Practice #1: Breathe.

    Many people underestimate the power of breathing. The act of breathing consciously allows us to inspire vitality and expire what no longer serves us in life. It’s the constant that represents our life force, and it influences all aspects of our body, mind, and spirit.

    It is also a tool you can use to “check in” and recalibrate what’s going on in your body and what’s happening in your life. It refreshes your mind and brings you back to the present.

    When you slow down and pay attention to your breath, it quiets your mental chatter and creates room for you to tune back into your essence, while your body benefits physiologically. As yogis often say, “Perfect breath equals perfect health.“

    Practice #2: Follow what makes you happy.

    Tune into what tugs at your heart and makes you happy. When you follow it and allow yourself to bask in the feelings of happiness and fulfillment that result, your mind will consequently feel lighter and more positive.

    Stop searching for happiness and stop trying to conform and meet others’ expectations. You only get lost in the process of trying to please everyone else, when the only constant you can control is you.

    Practice #3: Talk to yourself like you would to a friend.

    Practice being kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. By instilling loving and non-judgmental thoughts in your mind, you allow yourself to experience more pleasure than pain.

    I remember a time when I had to host and record a conference call for my coaching group, as it was part of the curriculum requirements. After the call, I realized I didn’t log in properly as a host and failed to record it.

    Instead of getting angry with myself for being a careless, forgetful idiot and letting my group down, I asked myself what would I say if it happened to another group member.

    I knew I’d say it’s okay, things happen. Look at it as a technical learning experience. We all enjoyed the call and came out with new ideas and perspectives and you did a great job leading it.    

    Now, doesn’t that sound nicer than if I was to beat myself up?

    Practice #4: Ask powerful questions.

    When we experience conflict in our lives, instead of making assumptions, take responsibility and ask powerful questions. Get the facts. See things from a different angle, and spin it into a positive perspective.

    Instead of thinking why is this happening to me again? Ask what do I want to change? What can I learn from this? What has to happen for me to feel good about the outcome?

    Our perception creates our reality. Reflect on what can be done and what you can control to influence and create the outcome you seek. When you are willing to take responsibility, you will be freed.

    Practice #5: Challenge your thoughts about failure.

    Oftentimes, failure is what stops us from taking action to better our lives, because it has a negative connotation attached to it, which fuels our mind with fearful thoughts.

    When you change your beliefs about failure, it can nurture your mind and allow you to take steps to achieve what it is you seek.

    Not trying is failure. Exercise your right to live a full and purposeful life.Give yourself the opportunity to create and experience the life you desire.

    If you fail, similar to Thomas Edison, you’ve simply learned “10,000 ways that won’t work.” This takes courage and contributes to your learning and growth, which is what feeds our energy and vitality for life.

    Practice #6: Embrace your imperfection.

    We are not perfect, so stop trying to be. The sooner you are able to accept your imperfections, the sooner you’ll be able to get out of your head, and the sooner you’ll be able to rock your authentic self.

    When I travel, I challenge myself to bust out what I know in the local language when meeting people or asking for help. Most people appreciate the effort, and are often more willing to help out and engage in conversation.

    In the process, I am improving my language skills little by little, having a good laugh at times, and if I’m lucky, I may experience and meet some really interesting and fun people.

    When we seek to be perfect, our mind tends to be on alert to ensure all the i’s are dotted and the t’s are crossed. Our body gets uptight and our mind gets lost in the worry. It gets exhausting and stops us from allowing lightness and joy to come into our lives.

    So, if you are trying to be perfect somewhere in your life, ask yourself, am I already doing the best that I can? Am I trying to be someone else’s perfect vision? If you answer yes to the questions, I encourage you to let it go for your peace of mind.

    Remember, when you feed your mind with nourishing thoughts, your body also benefits from it. So find and apply what works for you, and see your life shift in the direction you seek with greater clarity, courage, and confidence.

    Woman in garden image via Shutterstock

  • It’s a Great Day to Make a Mistake

    It’s a Great Day to Make a Mistake

    Why are we so terrified of making mistakes? Why are we killing our creativity and curiosity with our desire for efficiency and conformity?

    Today is a great day to make a mistake—and here’s why that’s a good thing.

  • Accepting Imperfection and Making Peace with Our “Piece in Progress”

    Accepting Imperfection and Making Peace with Our “Piece in Progress”

    The Traveler

    “Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ~Unknown

    I’m back in New York City after touring for the last five years as a global musical scientist.

    My international and domestic sonic experiments took me all over the world to exotic lands and faraway locales.

    I climbed the Inca Trail for four days straight while combating altitude sickness, learning how to speak at low capacity oxygen levels (imagine Darth Vader), and hemoglobin adaptation became my mantra.

    I also wrote and recorded a number one single in Copenhagen, Denmark. Likewise, I traveled to France, Finland, Russia, and Spain, as well as several national stops: Austin, Texas, DC, Boston, California (twice), and Hawaii, to name a few.

    I even lived with a Costa Rican family and became a real ‘tico’ in San Ramon. Furthermore, I discovered a floating village in Cambodia, talked art science shop in Singapore, and had the backs of my knees lit on fire with moxibustion in Koh Samui, Thailand.

    Sounds glamorous, but in all that life spice the one consistency was myself, and let me tell you, you can really get to you.  

    As wonderfully liberating and bohemian as it was to pick up and play from country to country, from foreign foods, cultures and languages, to random rules, regulations, and rites of passages, it also became a constant struggle to perfect the adventures.

    Naturally, practical fears ensued: How would I finance myself on the road from tour to tour? What would happen if I couldn’t understand the language? How would I be able to reach anyone in the middle of the Amazon?

    But the worst mind chatter came from my own self-doubt: How is this record manifesting given the fact that I have a unfamiliar, makeshift studio instead of my usual recording space? Is this one gigantic failure?

    Does anyone understand what I’m doing or what I mean? Can anyone hear those ambient birds behind the vocal and piano line? Is there even a piano at the next stop? Wait, why am I doing this again? What is a musical scientist?

    I was obsessed with perfection, particularly as it related to my work, and it was starting to take the fun out of my experience.  

    As an artist/scientist hybrid, I usually feel balanced between the creative and logistical, but the need to perfect my experiments started to weigh on the childlike, free, and non-judgmental parts of myself.

    I was striving for my work to be a huge success upon initial conception instead of letting the manifestations of failures become the real magic in process.

    It was during my time in Singapore while visiting a friend that I developed a perspective change to help me combat this uber desire to micromanage my situations.

    With eighteen hours on the plane to think, I began to imagine that we all have a life pie with slices representing certain parts of our life. For instance, each sector could be divided into finance, love, health, relationships, career, and so forth.

    It dawned on me that the majority of the folks I met and had deep conversations with on my travels shared stories of their imperfect piece(s): “I lost my job,” or “She dumped me,” or “I come from a messed up family.”

    It was often easier for people, myself included, to dwell on the missing segment, the piece that didn’t match the others, and focus on trying to tweak the weak.  

    The pattern I recognized was that no soul’s life pie was ever completely maximized, at least not at the same time. There’s always a “piece in progress.” Maybe one, two, perhaps even half the pie didn’t look like the rest.

    I visualized a life pie like a leaky faucet. As soon as you fix one of the spouts, the pressure adjusts to the other side, and pretty soon you’re exhausted trying to Band-Aid all these pressure points.

    I’m reminded of my favorite tale, “The Story of The Golden Buddha,” by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen.

    To paraphrase, approximately 300 years ago, the Burmese army planned to invade Thailand.

    Thai monks had an incredibly gorgeous golden Buddha statue within their monastery and wanted to protect their treasured possession during the attack, so they covered the statue with dirt, clay, and sticks.

    As the Burmese pressed into Thailand, they killed all the monks, but left the precious Buddha be, as it was disguised.

    During the mid 1950s, the monastery was relocated to make way for city developments, and as the monks began moving the Buddha, the clay began to crack and fall to the floor. Only then, after all that time, did the gold underneath begin to shine.

    To me, the tale’s a constant reminder that we, like the golden Buddha, spend too much precious time cloaking ourselves with mud in the form of societal coding, personal pressures, and expectations deeply fixed in fear.  

    But, by accepting these self-perceived shortcomings as part of the bigger picture, we realize that we each have our own labyrinth as we go through life. This is how we learn life’s lessons, slowly revealing more of our golden uniqueness.

    If we obsess about perfection, we’ll just stay stagnant and idle instead of moving forward with our pieces in progress, allowing them to be part of the journey toward self-realization.

    Even the gravitationally bound system consisting of stars, dust, and matter that constitutes our universe has endless imperfections, such as windstorms, black holes, and galactic hurricanes.

    If we, as humans, are living in this totality of existence rooted in chaos, we can only expect to mirror it. Understanding that there’s nothing wrong with us for having imperfect life pies can help us make peace with our piece in progress—and ourselves.

    Photo by Matteo.Mazzoni

  • How to Stop Feeling Inadequate and Embrace Your Imperfect Self

    How to Stop Feeling Inadequate and Embrace Your Imperfect Self

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    As I sit in bed typing this, all cozied up with a hot cup of tea and my fuzz ball Maestro relaxing at my feet, I feel happy and at ease.

    I scan the room and see a couple of stacks of laundry that need to be put away. I recall that my daughter’s toys are still strewn across the house because I didn’t feel much like stopping to pick them up prior to my retreat to writing, my happy place. I realize that I have an inbox full of emails to answer. That can all wait.

    Sounds kind of normal, right? But, for me, this maintained mellowness in a sea of what could be perceived as chaos is a pretty big deal.

    You see, I’m a recovering perfectionist. There was a time in my life when uncleaned messes, unanswered emails, and other various untied loose ends would have gnawed at my very core and robbed me of my peace until I finally cried mercy, giving them the attention they demanded.

    But at some point I realized that the stacks of certificates and awards collecting dust inside a drawer in my perfectly clean house weren’t doing much for me. In fact, they were only temporary fixes to fill the voids of my spirit, as I desperately avoided being completely honest with myself and opening up to my truth and vulnerability.

    I would take on one project after the other and work myself to the bone until they were executed perfectly.

    Putting in more than fifty hours a week at the office and hitting the gym six days a week was, once upon a time, my norm.

    I remember days of changing my outfit a dozen times before leaving the house and then doing fifty sit-ups for good measure. The voice in my head was telling there was room for improvement, to reach perfection.

    I hid behind my straight A’s in school, my top sales awards as an employee, and the recognition and accolades I fought for as I dove head first into my entrepreneurial adventures. They were my mask, my shield.

    What’s wrong with all of that, some might ask? The pursuit of excellence is a good thing, right? Aren’t hard work and dedication admirable traits? Yes, and no.

    Following your passion and making a difference in the world are certainly high up on the list of things to do for a happy life. But, when you are coming from a place of lack instead of a place of love and when you get so caught up in the end results that you totally miss out on the journey, that’s a recipe for burnout and a life unfulfilled.

    So, what is the difference between perfection and excellence? It’s quite subtle, actually, but they feel very different.

    Perfect feels constrictive, judgmental, painful (especially when the mark is missed), and is fueled by feelings of lack, of wanting to be accepted and liked. Excellence, on the other hands, feels warm, honorable, accepting, and is fueled by feelings of love and pure intentions of being in service and becoming a little bit better version of yourself each day.

    When you come up a bit short of excellence, you still win. When you strive for perfect, you’re never quite good enough. It’s like being in an abusive relationship—with yourself.

    Simply put: In the pursuit of perfect, we miss out on much of the beauty around us in our everyday lives. Nobody is actually perfect, so it’s really like living a lie. The truth is buried under all the “perfect” walls that we put up.

    Perfectionism is a cozy little blanket we try to wrap ourselves in. But, while we trick ourselves into believing it is keeping us safe and warm, in reality, it’s just a shield to hide what’s really going on inside.

    Becoming “mommy” six years ago was the catalyst in my life that finally helped me to see past my crutch.

    I believe that our actions are our strongest teacher, and I didn’t want my daughters to learn through mine how to torture themselves and feel inadequate by striving for the delusional ideal of being perfect.

    Plus, it feels pretty amazing to just relax and enjoy the journey of life moment by moment. Basking in my children’s laughter, sharing with them my presence and genuine goofiness. No outside validation or approval required.

    If you can relate to this at all and are ready to peel back some of your own layers, here are a few things to think about. These really helped me along my road to accepting my perfectly imperfect authenticity.

    1. Remember: You are enough!

    Ask yourself this: Whose approval are you after, anyway? You don’t need to impress anybody! Think about it. What does outside approval even get you? Other people think you are cool? They give you the “thumbs up”? You’re living your life in a way that somebody else agrees with? Hmmm.

    Well, at the end of the day, if you are not living your own truth and doing things that are in alignment with your own soul’s calling, then you will be left feeling unfulfilled and always grasping for that outside validation.

    Instead, remember this: Everything you need is already inside of you. Learn to drown out all that outside noise and just celebrate your unique beauty. A good self-check is to ask, “Am I doing this for the cause or the applause?”

    2. Perfection is an illusion.

    There is simply no such thing. We’re not meant to be perfect—by design, humans make mistakes. (Otherwise, we’d be called robots).

    We all have good days and bad days. Plus, one person’s definition of “perfect” can be completely different from the next. So, why act like a crazy person and give yourself a hard time over something that is delusional? Stop the madness!

    3. Think “Wabi-Sabi.”

    No, not the spicy green horseradish-like stuff you eat with sushi! It’s a Japanese aesthetic that describes beauty as imperfections. It celebrates cracks and crevices and other marks of time. Yes, it is, in fact, our imperfections that make us beautiful. Embrace them.

    4. Consider: What is the impression you want to leave on the world?

    In pursuit of perfection, we can seem aloof, despondent, closed in. It’s because by being so focused on the end result, we put some serious blinders on and miss out on beautiful connections with others. People will much more closely connect with your truth (especially the right connections for you). No need to hide. Let your soul shine!

    5. There is pure joy and love in truth and vulnerability.

    Allowing ourselves to be real and vulnerable is not always easy. However, living a life hiding from our true identity is even more painful.

    Living your truth means embracing and accepting all aspects of you—bumps, bruises, and all. This is, after all, the meaning of life. Unlock the potential of unlimited happiness in your life by letting go.

    Our existence here on earth is too short to live it under the neurotic premises of doing everything perfectly. Throw caution to the wind, embrace your imperfections, celebrate your authenticity, breathe in each precious moment, and give vulnerability and acceptance a try.

    You might just discover the glorious freedom that exists within, underneath the “perfect” armor.

    Once you peel back all those layers and discover the breathtaking beauty of self, you might even find yourself tilting your head back toward the sky and allowing a giant smile come across your lips. You are home. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy. Namaste.

  • How to Stop Stressing About Being Perfect (So You Can Enjoy Life)

    How to Stop Stressing About Being Perfect (So You Can Enjoy Life)

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    I finally learned I wasn’t Superman.

    It was a hard concept for me to grasp. You see, I was always the good child. The one that did everything without complaint or supervision. I was the one who didn’t need help in school, who knew how to plan, who did the chores without having to be asked twice.

    As I grew older this idea that I was “the good child/person” grew. My grades had to be perfect. My work had to be perfect. I had to interact perfectly with everyone I met.

    Needless to say, this drive to perfection caused me a lot of stress. Stress to the point that I was literally pulling my hair out. I know you see that on cartoons and things, but it happened to me for real.

    I didn’t even know I was doing it until one day I looked in the mirror after my shower and saw a bald spot. I had combed over it for so long without even consciously realizing it was there.

    I knew I had to do something after that. I had to change something. I wanted to just give up. After all, if I couldn’t be prefect, then what was the point of it all?

    I cycled into depression, but even this depression did not lessen my drive to be perfect. I made it look like I was doing fine. I went to work every day, did my home things, and even interacted on a superficial level with those around me.

    After a while of this hollow existence, I started to become angry. Why did no one see I was hurting? Why was there no reaction to this change?

    I slowly ground to a screeching, sputtering stop as circumstances in my life piled up: the death of a family member, the illness of another, my car getting totaled, my job on the edge.

    Boom, boom, boom. One right after another.

    Nothing was perfect now, and I could not see any way to make it perfect. It was hopeless, all of it.

    So, at last, I gave up on being perfect.

    At first, it seemed strange to me. Leaving things unfinished. Doing things halfway. Not going out of my way to make everything seem okay. I thought the world would fall apart. But it didn’t.

    Other people took up the slack. Things that I thought were vital went undone without consequence. Not working at 110% did not make the world come crashing down around my head.

    Hesitantly, I started to look around. I started doing things that were fun for me instead of things that needed to be done. I said no when people asked for help. I left dishes in the sink and trash in the can. I ate out instead of cooking. I ate what I wanted and not what I thought was right. I watched TV when I wanted and slept when I wanted and didn’t worry about what I should be doing instead.

    And you know what?

    It was okay.

    Shockingly, there was little difference in my life between working hard and enjoying it. Little difference to others. However, it was a big difference to my mental health. I discovered I could do more with less. Less work, less stress, less perfection.

    I could enjoy life without being perfect.

    I am not saying that my change did not cause conflict. My family was not pleased with the sudden upsurge in their workload. Those little things I always did were now undone. If they wanted it done they had to do it themselves.

    The little things they took for granted suddenly became scarce and my ever helpful and always consistent presence became something that had to be requested rather than relied upon.

    It was empowering to say no. To be out of touch. To be enjoying myself without guilt or stress.

    I found out that I could now enjoy and even look forward to things that had previously stressed me out. That every experience was not a chance to screw up but a chance to learn something new. That doing new things was good, even if I wasn’t good at them at first.

    It’s great to strive toward excellence, but it’s not worth stressing about perfection. If you’d like to take a page from my book and learn to enjoy being imperfect:

    1. Accept that perfection is unreachable.

    No one can possibly be perfect; that is what makes us human. However, you have to not only accept that you will not be perfect, but also be happy that being imperfect makes you different than everyone else. Being perfect would make everyone identical. Our imperfections are what make us unique and special in this world.

    2. Say no.

    When you are trying to be perfect, it’s hard to tell people no. You want to make them perfectly happy. You want to be the perfect spouse, sibling, or friend. However, taking on more and more things does not make you more perfect or even a better person. It only makes you more stressed.

    Saying no is not only good for your mental health, but it is good for others as well. Many times people will have to deal with their own issues, which will make them grow into stronger human beings. If you had helped them, they would not have had the chance to grow.

    3. Try new things, even if you fail.

    Being a perfectionist, it’s hard to get the guts up to try something you have never done before in the fear that you will be less than perfect at it. However, that’s the fun of trying something new! You get to learn and grow and become more than what you were before. Staying stagnant is not healthy for anyone. Embrace your mistakes and learn something new.

    4. Let some things go.

    We prioritize things that are not really important. Will you remember doing the dishes, or having fun with your friends? Will you remember filing, or having a great conversation with your coworker?

    When you learn to let the unimportant things go, you have more time for what really matters. You also have more time to do what is fun for you instead of only doing what ‘needs’ to be done.

    5. Prioritize what makes you happy.

    Life is more than work and chores and making it through one day after another. If you feel like you are working and moving but never enjoying or accomplishing anything, you may need to take a step back and reevaluate what you are doing with your life.

    Being stressed all the time is no way to live. Instead, try to enjoy your life. Prioritize those things and people that make you happy.

    Stressing out about perfection is a useless endeavor. Perfection is impossible for us, so why do we make ourselves sick over it?

    I have learned to abandon perfection and focus on enjoy life every day. This has greatly reduced my stress, increased my happiness, and made me the kind of person I would want to be friends with.

  • Stop Aiming for Perfection: Can You Let Good Enough Be Good Enough?

    Stop Aiming for Perfection: Can You Let Good Enough Be Good Enough?

    Ready to Receive

    “Good enough is the new perfect.” ~Becky Beaupre Gillespie

    The music started. Pachelbel’s Canon in D on harp and flute. I was supposed to enter the room near the end of the piece.

    I knew there were fourteen sets of four measures each, but in my nervous state I quickly lost track. I picked a random moment in the music that I thought might be near the end (surely I’d been waiting forever already), opened the door, and walked in.

    Then: BAM!

    The door startled me by suddenly slamming shut behind me. Oops… That was not supposed to happen.

    Thus started my recent wedding, with the bride oh-so inelegantly slamming a door.

    Then, uh-oh, I heard my dad stumble over a note on his flute. And when I got to my designated spot by my groom and our officiants, I realized—oops—I had entered way too early. We all had to stand there awkwardly while the piece played on for what seemed like ages.

    Twenty years ago, at my first wedding, this stuttering start probably would have horrified me. This time, thank goodness, things were different.

    Instead of being horrified that my perfect day was being ruined, I just beamed. My heart swelled that my parents, who get so nervous playing for a rapt audience, were the ones sharing their music with us. I giggled as my groom and I mimed flirting with each other while the music played, and everyone else laughed along.

    All the “mistakes” were part of the fun and specialness of the day.

    Twenty years before, when I got married the first time, I was a card-holding Perfectionist with a capital P. I sought out the best string quartet, the best photographer, the best caterer, the best florist, the best makeup artist.

    When my custom-made gown (made by the best seamstress) didn’t turn out exactly the way I wanted (read: perfect), I feared the world might end.

    Oh, yes, I was one of those brides. I admit it. The sad fact is that I was a perfectionist about the wedding because some desperate, scared, insecure part of me unconsciously believed that if the wedding were perfect, maybe it would somehow fix my flawed relationship and make it okay.

    If the wedding were perfect, maybe my life would be good enough.

    As you may already have gleaned, from the fact that there was a second wedding, this isn’t how things worked out.

    That first wedding was perfect. Or, at least, darn near close to it. And this, not surprisingly, did nothing to save what was ultimately a doomed marriage.

    Yet for years I still hid behind a perfectionist mask, believing that if I only showed my shiny highlight reel with the world, and never revealed the messy, broken, confused, imperfect self underneath, somehow my life would be good.

    It was the continuation of a lifetime of perfectionism.

    When I was in school, happiness seemed to depend on getting straight A’s.

    As a newlywed, happiness seemed to depend on the perfect, beautiful home.

    Then, as I started exploring the world of art and calligraphy, and gradually grew a small business from my creative work, happiness still seemed to depend on keeping up a shiny, perfect front.

    I did my best to hide my flaws and mistakes. And as my marriage disintegrated, I focused even more intently on achieving perfection in my work.

    But of course, true perfection is not possible, so all of this seeking of happiness through perfection only left me miserable.

    I became too scared of imperfection to try anything. My creative flow dried up.

    Who can create anything when only “perfect” is considered good enough?

    I suspect the ultimate collapse of my marriage played a big part in getting me on the road to recovering perfectionism. A divorce makes it very hard to pretend to the world that everything is perfect.

    And once you acknowledge that you aren’t perfect, that your life isn’t perfect after all, you no longer have to keep up the charade. Suddenly, it becomes acceptable to simply be you, in all your glorious imperfection.

    Letting go of a lifetime of perfectionism is not easy. Like recovering from alcoholism, I see it as an ongoing pursuit, and I consider myself a recovering perfectionist.

    Now, though, instead of aiming for perfection, I intentionally embrace imperfection. I proudly call myself an Imperfectionist with a capital I!

    I’ve learned the hard way that when I wait until something is perfect before I can try it or share it with the world, I stay permanently stuck in perfectionist paralysis.

    Whether building a website, learning to sing, asking someone out on a date, broaching that difficult conversation, putting a new product on the market, or anything else, the only way to move forward in life is to allow yourself to be imperfect.

    Plus, embracing imperfection is just a kinder, gentler way to live. I haven’t given up on my quest for excellence, but I’m a strong believer that going for “good enough” leads to a lot more happiness than going for “perfect.”

    This was certainly true when, twenty years after my first wedding, fifteen years after that “perfect” marriage ended in divorce, I said “I do” a second time.

    This time around, instead of seeking out a passel of the best wedding vendors, we aimed for “good enough.”

    I knew that the marriage was the truly important thing, while the wedding was merely a small entertainment we were doing because it gave us pleasure, and because it gave our families pleasure, which in turn gave us pleasure.

    Freed from my perfectionist paralysis, I even wrote a song to sing at the ceremony, as a surprise for my new husband. I’d started writing it a few years before, but had never managed to finish. Perhaps I’d been trying to make it perfect?

    Now, though, I had a new goal: not a perfect song, but simply a complete song—a good enough song.

    I also had a deadline, and deadlines are magical things, especially when combined with imperfectionism.

    I did complete my “good enough” song and I surprised my groom with it, right before our officiant officially declared us married. Like my dad on the flute, I was a bit nervous. My voice wasn’t the absolute best it’s ever been, and I messed up one of the chords.

    And you know what? It was perfect.

    Where can you let go of “perfect” in your life, and replace it with “good enough”?

    Photo by AJ Leon

  • 7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

    7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

    “We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene

    Sometimes I am really terrible to myself, and I relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am.

    On an almost daily basis, I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved, or that I’m not living up to my full potential.

    There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of money, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever.

    Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, I seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about myself.

    I get stuck in my head and allow my inner critic to completely tear apart my self-esteem until I hate myself too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep.

    The other day, while I was beating myself up over something I can’t even recall at the moment, I read a comment from one of my blog readers telling me that one of my posts literally got them through the night. Literally. And if that one simple word was used in the intended context, this person was basically telling me that one of my posts saved their life.

    I get comments like these on a pretty regular basis, and they always open my eyes to just how much I matter, regardless of my inner critic’s vehement objections.

    Such comments also open my eyes to all the things we beat ourselves up over that don’t matter—like whether or not we look like a Victoria’s Secret model in our bathing suit, or whether or not we should stop smiling if we’re not whitening our teeth, or whether or not the hole in our lucky shirt is worth bursting into tears over.

    Lately I’ve been trying harder to catch myself when I feel a non-serving, self-depreciating thought coming on. And I may let these thoughts slip at times, but that’s okay because I’m only human.

    While my self-love journey is ongoing, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m tempted to be mean to myself:

    1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too.

    We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not.

    When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through.   

    2. Your mind can be a very convincing liar.

    I saw a quote once that read, “Don’t believe everything you think.” That quote completely altered the way I react when a cruel or discouraging thought goes through my mind. Thoughts are just thoughts, and it’s unhealthy and exhausting to give so much power to the negative ones.     

    3. There is more right with you than wrong with you.

    This powerful reminder is inspired by one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.”

    As someone who sometimes tends to zoom in on all my perceived flaws, it helps to remember that there are lots of things I like about myself too—like the fact that I’m alive and breathing and able to pave new paths whenever I choose.

    4. You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least.

    This was a recent epiphany of mine, although I’m sure it’s been said many times before.

    I find that it is most difficult to accept love and understanding from others when I’m in a state of anger, shame, anxiety, or depression. But adopting the above truth really shifted my perspective and made me realize that love is actually the greatest gift I can receive during such times.  

    5. You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.”

    One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot feel fully satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are.

    Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying.

    6. Focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come rather than how far you have left to go.

    One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the hell-bent need to “get it right.” We strive for perfection and success, and when we fall short, we feel less than and worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that working toward our goals and being willing to put ourselves out there are accomplishments within themselves, regardless of how many times we fail.

    Instead of berating yourself for messing up and stumbling backward, give yourself a pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have.     

    7. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself.

    Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or lovable.

    I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself—regardless of who you are and where you stand, and even if you know you want to change.

    You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.

  • Be Happier with What Is by Letting Go of How Things Should Be

    Be Happier with What Is by Letting Go of How Things Should Be

    Embrace the Moment

    “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” ~Ralph Marston

    Have you ever been stuck and felt like you’re spiraling around the same space over and over? It’s just like Groundhog Day.

    Every day, you have new intentions about how it will be different only to be left with the same hollow feelings at the end of the day.

    You feel sadness for the dreams of what could have been and maybe even what should have been.

    At forty-five I found myself unexpectedly in this place, stuck like my feet were almost tied to the ground. All the usual ways of getting through it weren’t working.

    I couldn’t run away from it. I couldn’t push through it. I couldn’t go around it. I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there.

    It just was there. It wouldn’t budge.

    I felt overwhelmed and burned out, and no books, courses, or friend’s advice seemed to have an effect.

    I just kept coming back to the same point of inertia, always left sitting on the edge of my power.

    I had this nagging doubt that as a coach I should know better and somehow be exempt from the stories of resentment, blame, self-criticism, imperfection, and failure that chattered away in the background of my mind. As if I shouldn’t have a low mood because surely I should have figured this one out by now.

    They say the only way out is through and that was definitely true for me.

    I reached a point where I just had to be in the center of my experience and be with the vulnerability that I was so desperately skirting around the edge of.

    It happened by chance while I was on an early morning run with the dog.

    It was a fresh, crisp autumn morning, the kind where the blueness of the sky just takes your breath away. My feet were soaking from the wet grass and I was struck by how warm the sunshine was on my face.

    I felt the impulse to stop running, sit down on a bench, and close my eyes. I followed my breath and imagined that I was breathing in the sunshine through the top of my head, down into my body, and then out down through the soles of my feet. Then, I reversed it.

    I sat doing this, and suddenly out of nowhere an image came up. It was a life plan that I’d written many years back when I was stuck in my last corporate job and trying to figure a way out. 

    It was on one piece of paper and it had my ages moving up to the age of sixty (anything beyond was considered bonus), alongside my husband’s and kids’. There weren’t many specific landmarks other than the when the kids would take their exams and some dreams I had to run my own business.

    What struck me as I saw this image in front of me was how perfected it was.

    There were implicit assumptions that I could suddenly see clearly displayed in front of my eyes. There I was through all these ages, the perfect earth mother, always patient, creative, consistent, kind, and loving. 

    I was a role model holding down a career, coaching, writing, running a successful business, and making a difference in the world. I juggled and balanced with grace and ease. I was a gorgeous wife who looked great, handled all the household stuff without complaint, and was still able to be a sexy goddess.

    I never lost my temper or argued. I travelled and adventured through life, felt good about myself, and experienced peace and happiness.

    I was perfect in every way and got things right all the time.

    Staying with the breath I noticed that I felt really emotional. The emotion was sadness, and for once I allowed myself to be with it. I just sat with my dog sitting next to me on this bench, in the middle of nature, with a mixture of sunshine and tears on my face.

    About five minutes passed and I felt a shift. I had an intense clarity that what was keeping me stuck was the tightly held grip I had on how I believed it all should be.

    The perfected image that I was holding for my life that was causing me to push against who I truly am. The incessant push to keep improving myself and be anything other than who I actually am.

    You see, my real life is messy and very imperfect.

    As a mother I’m spontaneous, which often means I’m not consistent and I prickle and get impatient when we don’t attend to the routine things, like homework or tidying up. I get frustrated when it feels like everyone else is making demands and my needs don’t feature.

    I often feel like I’m caught in a system where I believe my girls need to be children, discover their passion, and follow their own light spots; but they’re in a school system and culture that believes and reinforces that you need to be above average in everything and learn information that feels irrelevant to them.

    I want to praise but I catch myself criticizing when it all piles up and I feel overwhelmed.

    I know I open and close my heart in my relationships, and I’m only just beginning to get my head around this whole notion of unconditional love.

    Our house moves from being neat and tidy to disorganized and cluttered.

    One of the most regular arguments is about where the car keys are and why there’s no petrol in the car and how there’s no time to fill up on the way to drop the kids at school!

    These two images—the perfected and the reality—were where my struggle came from.

    Every time I bumped up against the perfected image of how I thought I should have been as opposed to how I am, I got twitchy and self-sabotaged by being self-critical and creating my inertia. 

    It was easier to reach to be anything other than who I am because it reinforced the old familiar story that I am not enough as I am.

    It’s this insight that helps me to release and let it go.

    What’s left in its place is the reality of my imperfection.

    I now see how my desire to be perfect has me lose the very thing that I’m seeking, which is to feel happy and at peace with myself.

    The real work, my soul’s work, is to stand in the center of myself and open up the vulnerable part of me that’s scared I really am not enough to make the difference I want to in the world.

    The part of me that reaches to be shinier, bolder, smarter, and any other “er” that could help. The part of me that worries I repeat patterns and don’t get it right as a mum. The part of me that so desperately wants to be enough and perfect, which has me react against others that display the perfected image I think I should be. The part of me that feels scared and alone and so separates rather than leans in.

    To listen to my soul calling requires me to begin the work of self-acceptance and self-compassion and change my old story of not being enough.

    It requires me to let go of needing my work and life to look and be a certain way, and instead be present to how it is now and what wants to unfold.

    What I did on that day will improve my tomorrows because I learned to open up my vulnerability, lean into the emotion, be with it, and see it as guidance.

    The sadness was there to move me and as soon as I stopped avoiding it, I could hear its wisdom.

    Your vulnerability is your biggest permission slip to change your tomorrows. It’s the doorway in to what you’re seeking. It doesn’t make you weak. It gives you strength. It helps you see your limiting story and find your empowering one.

    Photo by Hartwig HKD

  • Why Screwing Things Up Is Crucial to Your Well-Being

    Why Screwing Things Up Is Crucial to Your Well-Being

    “Where there is perfection there is no story to tell.” ~Ben Okri

    Somehow I’d gathered my courage and volunteered from the audience during a local improvisational theater show. And before I knew it, I was up on stage with the troupe, being welcomed, supported, and seamlessly gathered into the scene in a way that only professional improvisers can do.

    I left the stage high as a kite from the adrenaline rush, returning to my seat and enthusing to my friend that I wanted to start taking improv classes right away!

    What I didn’t realize until I was several weeks into my first class was something I have since accepted as a truism:

    Improv theater is basically boot camp for perfectionists.

    A group of which I am a card-carrying member in good standing.

    In class, I understood intellectually that I was supposed to relax and go with the flow, but I didn’t know how to actually do that. All my life I’d learned to do the exact opposite—to prepare thoroughly and know exactly what I was doing whenever I went into a new or challenging situation.

    At first I managed to fake it, mentally choosing a few potential characters and situations before every class so that I could appear to be spontaneous in a pinch. Clever me! I was always ready with a funny line or interesting story.

    The problem was, I was also always stressed about it.

    At first I chalked up the rapid heartbeat and shallow breathing to the rush of performance, until I found myself obsessing after class about what I could have done better. Wondering where I could have been funnier, or reached deeper to bring out more poignant emotions, so that I could make sure that everyone liked me and thought I was a fantastic improviser.

    It was okay for everyone else to be fallible, merely human. I had to be better. In fact, I had to be perfect.

    Like so many perfectionists, I’d internalized the message that my self-worth was based on what I did, not who I was. And if what I did wasn’t good enough—well, then, obviously neither was I.

    At its heart, perfectionism is rooted in feelings of shame and inadequacy.

    Those of us who suffer from it are afraid that we’re not worthy of being respected and loved for our natural, unedited selves. There are many reasons why this happens, but the consequence is that we always feel the need to justify ourselves and our actions.

    We also feel we must prove ourselves, over and over again; we’re never good enough just as we are.

    Talk about a recipe for depression, stress, and burnout.

    A 2008 Psychology Today article titled “Pitfalls of Perfectionism” states, “[T]he biggest problem with perfection may be that it masks the real secret of success in life. Success hinges less on getting everything right than on how you handle getting things wrong.”

    What if we really got that?

    What if we practiced the pursuit of passion rather than perfection?

    When we are very young, everything is play. We don’t worry about failing because we’re so excited about trying. As kids, we haven’t yet learned that we’re supposed to think of ourselves as being on trial before the world.

    Think back to the first time you rode a bike. Or jumped off the high dive. The thrill you felt probably far outweighed any curb-slamming or belly-flopping you might have done.

    You didn’t do it perfectly, but you had a blast making the attempt. And because you had so much fun, you did it again, and again, until you improved. But improving wasn’t the goal. The fun was.

    That’s why it’s so important for us all to mess up once in a while. We must re-learn what we knew as children—that screwing up is not the end of the world. That we can recover, and keep trying, and get better.

    We must learn failure resiliency. We need to know deeply, not just mentally, that we can always bounce back.

    And maybe even have some fun in the process.

    If your sense of security comes from trying to be perfect, or even just “the best”—king or queen of the hill—you’ll be disappointed either when you never get there, or when you do and some newcomer knocks you off your throne.

    In other words, if your sense of self-worth is synonymous with your performance, you will never feel safe.

    Now what happens if you allow yourself to appear fallible? A few pretty nifty things:

    • The intense pressure is suddenly off. You can relax a little. Or even, with practice, a lot.
    • You now have room for improvement. If you score 100% right from the start, how can you ever hope to do better than that?
    • People will not expect 100% of your effort all the time. Now you’ve got some leeway when you’re operating at less-than-normal capacity for any reason.
    • People will feel more connected to you because they’ll feel you’re one of them, not up on top of (or trying to climb) some kind of pedestal.

    Now please understand that I’m not arguing for deliberate mediocrity here. I’m not saying that you should be lazy, or that you should stop setting and striving toward goals. That’s probably not in your genetic makeup anyway. After all, here you are reading a life-improvement blog, right?

    What I am saying is that if you can surrender your need to appear so relentlessly perfect (to yourself as well as others!) then you’ll be able to loosen up and enjoy the ride a whole lot more.

    When you leave perfectionism behind, you also get to define success and happiness by your own internal measurements rather than society’s external benchmarks.

    Granted, this takes practice. A lot of it. You can’t shuck all of your conditioning with a single shoulder-shrug.

    But you can gradually learn through experience that it’s okay to be imperfect—like I did on the day that I finally froze up in front of my entire improv class.

    I ran out of stories. I choked completely. Everyone stared at me, and I couldn’t come up with a single thing to do or say. I got dizzy; I felt my face flush and my pulse pound. I finally looked up, helpless, convinced they all thought I was a loser.

    “Sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m out of ideas.”

    And my entire improv class responded, as one, in the way we’d been trained to do from the first day. When a scene or offering flops, everyone throws their hands in the air and lets out a celebratory whoop, as if to say, “We screwed up, and it’s okay!”

    There I was, convinced that because I wasn’t the perfect improviser I expected myself to be, I was a failure. Then I dared to look up from my feet and out into the audience at my classmates.

    They all smiled at me, threw up their hands, and yelled “Whooooo!!!” at the top of their lungs.

    And in that moment, I understood that I was fine exactly as I was.

    Just like you are.

  • Why Accepting Your Imperfections Is a Gift to the World

    Why Accepting Your Imperfections Is a Gift to the World

    Holding the Earth

    “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

    Being yourself seems like it would be an easy thing, right? Just be! But when you’re someone who has lived their life seeking the approval of others constantly, it’s not such an easy thing.

    You have to attempt to move past years of trying to appear this way, wondering if people will judge you if do that, or doing your best not to cause waves and avoid conflict.

    When you don’t fully understand who your “self” is, it’s pretty much impossible to actually be that person. 

    I didn’t realize just how deep my desire to please others went until very recently, after a couple of very deep soul searching years.

    I saw how automatic it had become for me to try to be what everyone else wanted me to be. Even when I “liked” a page on Facebook, I thought twice about it and wondered if people would judge me for it.

    I wanted to appear a certain way to people. I wanted to appear like I had it all together, that I was “perfect.” Most importantly, though, I didn’t want to appear disabled.

    If I liked all of the “right” things, if I was cool, if I was funny, if I was pretty, and wore the most stylish clothes or had my makeup done just right, then maybe people would notice all of that instead of my muscular dystrophy and the limp that came with it.

    Maybe they wouldn’t notice the difficulty I had going up stairs. If I fell, maybe they wouldn’t judge me because they would see I was awesome in so many other ways.

    Trying to be everything to everyone is one of the most exhausting things. It feels like that toy that a lot of us used to play with when you try to fit the shaped blocks into the correct corresponding hole.

    I was the triangle constantly trying to fit in the square hole. 

    I honestly don’t know how I even functioned sometimes in my twenty-plus years on earth with the weight of that on my shoulders. Worrying so much about what people thought or hoping they liked me and having no real sense of my own self.

    From friends to coworkers, to dates or boyfriends, I was always trying to please everyone else but never thought to try please myself first or embrace who I really was.

    It never even occurred to me that it was okay if some people didn’t like me, or if I didn’t have all the right clothes or that I wasn’t physically able to do all the same things that my peers could.

    I didn’t realize that it didn’t make me any less worthy or valuable of a person if someone didn’t like me or if I wasn’t “perfect.”

    That if a guy wasn’t interested or someone didn’t want to be my friend, that it didn’t mean I was ugly or worthless or needed to fix something about myself.

    I didn’t realize that trying to fit myself into everyone else’s perceptions and society’s perception of “normal” was denying everyone and the world of all my gifts and who I really was. That my disability made me special and gave me a platform to try and help others all over the world with disabilities too.

    That it gave me such a deep capacity for love and empathy that I wouldn’t trade for anything.

    I couldn’t see that people don’t love each other because they’re perfect. They love each other for everything, including the flaws. 

    In fact, I think we love each other in large part because of our flaws. Because we are all human. Because we make mistakes. 

    Our imperfections and our differences are what set us apart and make us unique. When have you ever heard someone say, “I really like that Jackie. She’s just so perfect!”?

    Not caring what other people think and just being is something we all struggle with in one way or another.

    Something I’ve found to be very helpful for connecting with myself and just being is a kind of a brief meditation. Whether I’m driving, at work, on vacation, or just sitting at home, I try to take a few moments each day where I just sit, stop what I’m doing, take a deep breath in, and silence my mind.

    I focus on the blood flowing through my veins or the way my breath feels when I exhale. I just let myself sit there in silence for a few minutes and just enjoy being in my skin, my body, and my spirit. As small as it may seem, it really helps to calm me and get me refocused on myself.

    Learning to embrace yourself and shut out the need to people please or be what everyone else might want us to be is hard and it’s not something that can be an overnight change.

    But learning to accept all of the parts of yourself, including the ones you may not like, is not only the greatest gift you can give to yourself, it’s the greatest gift you can give to the world around you too.

    When you stop caring so much about what everyone else thinks of you and start becoming you, it’s then that you can truly offer the world the most.

    You offer it you in all of your wonderful and unique glory!

    Photo by Jason Rogers

  • 10 Ways to Start Living and Loving Life Now

    10 Ways to Start Living and Loving Life Now

    Hands in the Air

    “I never want to arrive. I love the ride.” ~Coco J. Ginger

    This is what life should be, a wonderful journey of living and loving each moment.

    I was born in India to a loving, caring family. My mother and my grandparents gave me the world. They kept me hidden from the truths of life and, therefore, life was sweet, as I felt like the most loved child in the world. Now after 38 years of existing (not living) I reflect on where everything went wrong. Why have I felt so lost, broken, and regretful?

    I came from a successful business family. My father started his business at a young age and worked to make it a success.

    He involved his brothers so they’d have direction and goals in life. One day they went on a business trip to South of India from the North, and that was the last time my mother saw the love of her life.

    My father died of food poisoning at the age of 28. My father’s brothers threw my mother out of the property while she was pregnant with me, at the age of 25. One minute she had the world, and the next minute her world turned upside down.

    My mother was fortunate to have her parents to take care of her and support her during this traumatic time. Six months later, I arrived.

    My mother found a purpose to live, and her only focus in life was to give me the world. I always did well in school with studies and sports. My mother’s hard work, love, and dedication were paying off until the next phase in life.

    When I was 11 my mother and I moved to UK so I could further my education and be a success.

    The journey for both of us suddenly got tougher. My mother is highly educated, but due to lack of support and confidence the only jobs she was able to find were working in restaurants, cleaning dishes and cutting vegetables.

    It used to hurt me to see my mother work so hard, and I felt helpless that I could not do anything. I never saw my mother feel anger toward people and life, which I could never understand. She just got on with life, and her only focus was providing for and taking care of me.

    Schooling in the UK was tough because I didn’t have any friends and was seen as an outcast because I came from India. I was laughed at every time I opened my mouth because of my accent.

    I made a decision to keep quiet and stay hidden so the world would not see me. Anytime I had to face an issue, I ran to my mother and she took care of everything.

    I was growing up living a life of regret as I was indecisive, lacked confidence, and had no direction or goals. The only thing I wanted to do was to feel good from within and be happy.

    Even when it came to getting married I was not sure of the choice I was making. I married someone because her relatives sold me a story of how she was going to bring love into my family and take care of my mother when she’s old.

    My wife was exactly the opposite of the picture that was painted to me. She was abusive, aggressive, and made our lives hell. But I was never strong enough to make a decision to get out of this mess, as there was a child involved.

    Every time I thought about walking out of my marriage I felt guilty, thinking I may ruin my daughter’s life. My mother and I felt like prisoners in our own home, where we were shouted and dictated to for many years.

    After three and half years, one day my wife decided to walk out of our lives.

    Initially, it was a shock. But then I started seeing this as a blessing, as my mother seemed comfortable in the house, my daughter seemed happy, and I was able to sleep at nights without being verbally abused.

    This was the turning point in my life. I realized I needed to be tough. I needed to learn to make decisions by myself. I wanted to start living and loving life. 

    I realized as amazing as my mother is, I did not want to become a mirror image of her. I wanted to be strong and stand up for myself. Being passive and dismissive is not something I wanted to be.

    I now know what it means to live and love life. To me, it’s not traveling from one country to another and never facing reality. It’s about dealing with reality and holding the belief that no matter what happens, I can deal it.

    My living and loving life journey has just started. The lessons I’ve learned are:

    1. Let go of perfection.

    If each day you are running toward perfection, you are running toward failure. Instead, just try your best and feel good about it.

    2. Deal with it. 

    Don’t ignore it because it’s tough to deal with. Deal with the issue first, as the issues you find difficult are the most empowering when conquered.

    3. Realize that everything stems from your thinking. 

    Your thinking generates emotions. Emotions generate actions. Think positive and live positive.

    4. Do something fun each day. 

    Do something every day that will energize you, whether it’s dancing to music with no care in the world, running in the rain, or seeing friends and having a blast. Whatever it is, just do something that makes you feel alive.

    5. Don’t procrastinate.

    If you feel it, just go with it. The more you procrastinate, the more you are digging a hole of confusion.

    6. Make a list of things you want to achieve that will make you feel happy and alive.

    For me, the first thing was to share my story on Tiny Buddha. For years, I’ve read amazing stories from people who have inspired me, and I always wanted to share mine, but could not find anything positive to write. That has changed now, and here I am.

    7. Build a network of like-minded positive people.

    We are who we spend most of our time with. If we have a network of positive friends, that will help us to live with positivity.

    8. Just breathe.

    When things seem tough or confusing, take a few seconds out. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and remember the powerful you who can deal with anything.

    9. Repeatedly ask yourself, “What is the worst that could happen?”

    Put things in perspective when you’re paralyzing yourself with fear, and then you will realize you can handle whatever is coming.

    10. Be grateful.

    Stop thinking about what you don’t have. Instead, be grateful for what you have.

    This time will never come again, so live it and love it.

    Photo by Katelyn Fay

  • Imperfection Is Lovable and You Are Enough

    Imperfection Is Lovable and You Are Enough

    “You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.” ~Brene Brown

    We are all perfectly imperfect just as we are.

    Yes, it’s true. Sometimes hard to believe, but always the truth. Believe me.

    I’ve always recognized that I am a perfectionist.

    I was the little girl who wanted to know how to play the piano at my first lesson, how to roller blade the first time I tried, how to do the splits at my first gymnastics class.

    I’ve always wanted to do it right the first time.

    On the one hand, I appreciate my intention to do and be my best at whatever I do, but on the other hand, I see how this mentality has often paralyzed my efforts and prevented me from daring and learning to be brilliant.

    The one practice I’ve committed to in my life, where I’ve been willing to be less than perfect and continue to embrace each day, is yoga.

    The meditative quality, the healing breath, the invigorating movement all resonate with me and remind me to just be where and who I am, in each moment.

    It’s been fifteen years now since I began my yoga practice in an effort to release the tension in my neck that was triggering chronic headaches during my first year studying at UCLA.

    I felt transformed after my very first yoga class and just knew that I would grow and expand with my practice.

    In the beginning, most of my transformation was physical—feeling more relaxed, open, energized, and flexible. In recent years, my practice has guided me to expand my perspective, and I find myself open to understanding life anew.

    I’m discovering new ways of being and of seeing the world.

    Just two months ago I had a revelation.

    I was communicating with a life coach who is an incredible listener, endeavoring to understand why I was constantly feeling challenged in my relationship with my husband. Together, we realized that I was creating the same expectations of perfection for him as I had carried for myself since childhood.

    A memory surfaced: me, around twelve years old, sharing my report card with my father.

    “Why are they not all As?” he questioned unapologetically.

    I glanced at my grades, noticing that I’d earned six A’s and one B+, and said, “I did my best.”

    “I expect all A’s next time,” he firmly instructed.

    “I’ll do better,” I submissively acquiesced.

    And this stuck. The need to do better than my best. The desire to be better than myself. I wanted my father’s approval. I wanted my father’s love. I wanted my father’s attention. And so, I worked even harder and earned a 4.0 GPA each semester.

    But you know what? It was never enough.

    I never felt enough. I never could earn the love and attention that I desperately craved from him. 

    I needed to look within myself.

    Now, some twenty years later, I’m still struggling with my tendency toward perfectionism.

    This insight is life changing: A chance to understand myself better. A reflection of how and why I choose to think and act the way I do. An opportunity to acknowledge that I’ve associated being perfect with being lovable.

    Now, without judgment or criticism for myself or my father, I have the choice to change.

    I can choose to shift my perspective and tell a new story. I choose to embrace a new truth…

    Imperfection is lovable.

    With this knowledge, I see my relationship with myself and with my husband, my children, my family, my friends—with life itself—in a new light.

    We are all imperfect.

    But who wants to be perfect anyway? How boring that would be!

    The most fun is in the growing, in the expansion, in the learning and becoming ever more who we are.

    I release the compulsion to be perfect, to constantly achieve, do more, handle every task on my to-do list immediately.

    I allow myself to be more present, to be in the moment, to remember what matters most: love.

    I can let go of always doing and instead let myself be. I can stop rushing around handling tasks, and allow myself to stop and smell the roses with my daughters, kiss my husband, call a friend, stare in wonder at the beauty of our universe.

    I am worthy of love, I know I belong, I recognize my life has meaning, and I give myself permission to take it easy and just be me.

    I embrace this truth:

    I am good enough. I do enough. I have enough. I work enough. I love enough. I am beautiful enough. I am smart enough.

    I am enough.

    Can you say this to yourself and really mean it? Practice. Notice how it feels.

    With this new perspective, everything blossoms.

    I allow myself to make mistakes without being judgmental.

    I give others space to be imperfect without being critical.

    I allow myself to be me.

    I allow myself to love myself just as I am.

    I allow myself to love others just as they are.

    Whenever I begin to lose focus of this reassuring truth, when I start to feel overwhelmed by all the “shoulds” and judgments in my mind, I sit in stillness in my meditation space.

    I read the words I’ve etched on my chalkboard wall:

    I am enough. Surrender. Live and let live. Imperfection is lovable. Be human.

    Immersed in the sensation of my breath, I choose to focus my mind on these powerful truths. Soon, I relax into the comfort of knowing that all is well. And I begin again the journey of self-love and acceptance.

    I am grateful for being where I am, for all the wisdom and love so many gracious and kind people have shared, and for the powerful practice of yoga that encourages self-awareness and growth.

    I am grateful for the opportunity to recognize the perfection in our imperfection and to use this wisdom to infinitely improve my interactions with the people I love the most.

    Our minds are powerful. Our thoughts are powerful. Our love is powerful.

    Let us choose to focus on the good, appreciate who we are, share our love unconditionally.

    Let us remember that we are enough.

    Let us embrace our value and know we belong.

    Let us always remember that our imperfections are lovable.

    Can you practice loving yourself and others unconditionally today?

    Every beautiful journey and inspiring transformation begins with an intention and moving in the direction of where you hope to be.

    Wishing you ease in loving and freedom to be just who you are.

    Be human. Be perfectly imperfect. Be you. Just be.

  • Perfection: A Short Film About the Pressure to Achieve

    Perfection: A Short Film About the Pressure to Achieve

    We push, and strive, and struggle, and succeed, and then want more of that. More of people approving of us. More of people expecting things from us, and us proving that we can deliver. We consent to play the game, to be our best or die trying. What would happen, though, if we decided to stop playing?